#ok i will stop vent posting. its just.
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Having. the most sickening realisations ever about myself tonight actually. throwing myself into the ocean etc
#i'm okay (?) and its not actually sickening or like. shouldnt be probably but it is to me i'm actually tbh a little nauseous#and i don't want to think about anything ever again#it's fine i'm fine i'm doing so god damn well#z talks#not horse game#ok i will stop vent posting. its just.#man *stares out into the ocean like a horse*
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🦈2
#even tho it was so hard for me. ofc when u can only communicate via the internet so much is lost i think... sm extra things u need to be#more secure kinda? like physical presence does a lot on its own#but yeah.. ok i actually wrote more but u can only have 30tags per post and safari on ur phone does not tell u when it's stopping so half o#what i wrote just disappeared ._. i cant rmbr what i said... and i mean this is just for myself to vent but grr im so annoyed#yeah just that he was sm more patient than i realized. i just was in the start of learning how to live w my avpd#i wasnt able to do a lot. even if i wanted to. he helped me sm to uncover things in myself to start that thing within me#i just desperately wish i had found him earlier and that i've been this far along in my anti avpd limitation abilities.... truly wish that#so im trying to accept it and just think bc i dont have a choice :') i've never wanted anyone like this and that just is how it is#i will always love him simply bc he is who he is#he's so so cool and amazing to me in so so many ways. and i always loved just how he talks and communicates bc it resonates w me#and there are simply sm details i just adore. but yeah... i probably shouldnt think abt that? i feel like.. it isnt my place to think abt i#but it is what it is but it hurts so incredibly much. will i ever be able to let go of him? the love i couldve experienced? the wonderful#person i couldve been with? will i be able to stop thinking abt all his great qualities and how much i wish he was mine? and all the things#wanna do and talk abt with him? he's just.. he just is .. i cant describe it. it feels like more than just earthly love...#maybe i sound insane or too intense or dramatic or smth but.. it feels so much larger than everything#so i struggle sm with letting go bc i want to touch him and i want to love him and i just want to be with him and experience everything w h#but that isnt my place. i know... why.. have i only ever felt like this w him... what do i do with this?? am i crazy? am i going insane? is#there smth wrong with me?#he is worthy of everything and he is so so wonderful but is there smth wrong w me for being so..#for having love that actually truly is all consuming? what is this... it's scary. esp when i cant unleash it. it's like a wild beast i have#to learn how to tame. and i want to be able to find mutual love too. but i cant force anything. will the universe grant me that?#i cant imagine myself ever being able of letting go of him but if that is what the universe has planned then..#ok im actually starting to sound intense and weird and idk O.O i think i think too much#.. it hurts that i wont get to do all of the things and talk abt all the things i wanna do w him. i'll never get to hug him...#if i could ask for only one thing it'd be one hug from him....#maybe is ound crazy but with all my disorders and feeling disconnected from the world.. and finding someone that makes me feel tethered#and safe and real.. and having to let go bc it just wasnt meant for me... why is the universe so cruel.#in the end i care abt him so much i just want him to be loved. i want him to finally feel loved.#someone else.. someone else without avpd can do that for him. i want him to be oh so so loved and .. yeah.. :(#i wish i couldve loved him as he deserves but .. its not my place. not my place... all i want is to hear his voice and live in his arms
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good news for all my haters: im not coming back. not properly. i think social media and being around ppl in general is destroying me so im gonna just focus my energy on other stuff
ill probably still be a little bit active occassionally but for now i think il just stick to posting art etc. im moving to sheezy.art (which is down for maintenance rn but opens for registration again on fridays!) bc the energy there is much nicer for me.. but ill still post on here and insta. im also gonna be working on building my own website again!! so bookmark it and maybe some day itll have cool stuff on it.... :]
#idk ill see how this goes but ive been like lurking here for a couple days and every time without fail it makes me feel shitty#may not be a permanent thing but i have a couple safeguards in place now to stop me from getting sooooo bad. i think#i deleted all the apps off my phone. which has helped a lot esp deleting insta for reels#and i actually made another blog for like if i ever go Cazy again. for like vents and stuff . altho if im not on social media at all it#shldnt be a prblem#i wont share that but u can ask for it if u want. tho unlikely ill post for a while idk#for the record my neocities has like nothing on it rn. its essentially a series of tests from when i started last yr#and got nowhere lollll.. but im hoping to have a lot of fun with it soon#lol this whole thing is a little stupid. and i feel bad but just know its all my own fault. my own issues etc#its happened b4 itll happen time and time again i think. so im just gonna part ways w it#from now on if im gonna overshare it has to be in a lengthy edited well written blog post !!!!!!!!!!!#oke. bye#i do actually have smth to post later on my rnm blog but whatevaaa#oh ill start up my queues again too
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ummm
#im so fkn anxious now#what if he has seen some of my vents.... and i hurt him even more#it's just that i ... i dont know#i even made this blog to vent on here and not on my main#idk why i cant stop#bc i actually have ruined several connections by doing that. so why cant i stop?#anyway now im so fkn anxious bc what if hes seen my vents#ive been doing extra extra bad lately and i even stopped checking my notifs#which makes me post even more freely bc now idk if someones mean or not like i just dont see it#but im also scared that smth bad happened to him#and that he got hurt again#bc i dont want that i truly dont#i want him to be ok and happy#so now im so anxious that hes hurt and upset with me#or that hes doing super bad#lowkey i'd rather have the 1st bc i want him to be alive and keep going and be ok#but im so scared that hes mad or upset with me and i just dont#have the bravery or strength to look#but what if its urgent?? and smth i cant wait several days with???#now i understand why he didnt reply quick lol... im such a bad person#i shouldve been understanding with that.. god im such a mess i keep fucking up and hurting everyone's that close to me#but im not looking bc im scared but that makes me so fkn anxious i wanna cry
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> Vacher created this drink after discovering the effects of Primordial Seawater after being diluted with normal water. He manufactured and marketed it to fund his experiments, earning a lot of money through doing so.
> Vacher was an adventurer from Snezhnaya who traveled to Fontaine.
> Marcel, real name Vacher, is a quest-exclusive NPC that appears as one of the main antagonists in the Archon Quest Chapter IV: Act II - As Light Rain Falls Without Reason.
With all due respect, Genshin, can we fucking stop mostly using Snezhnayans as main antagonists in Genshin storyline and keep making Traveler have 9/10 people be a damn villain? This is getting very damn old. 'From Snezhnaya' and ofc I see negative connotations next to it or affiliation to it.
Hi, so, if I'm ignorant about this forgive me I'll catch up on the story quests this week.
I had to rant in tags. pls don't read if you don't want to hear rus-tatar's thoughts on representation of snezhnaya across the story AGAIN. i look back on remun's post and scream internally all over again.
P.S. I understand Harbingers are supposed to be the villains, Tsaritsa, yadda yadda but if Tartaglia's quest showcased Snezhnayan's culture in a better light, Genshin can get its shit together and write Snezhnayan NPCs better with some more quests to expose bits and pieces of their WARMER culture. They CAN give us more NPCs who can show doubt, concern, be friendly to others, try to help out. There are TONS of ways to do that.
#sorry im finally catching up on genshin storyline and the annoyed sigh and groan i let out is insane#makes me want to reblog remun's post again about how genshin continues to villainize every single person of snezhnaya and only showing#how they're the baddies and making everyone forget about the other parts of snezhnayans#when was the last time we've had an ok representation of snezhnayans? during the island and klee rerun i think#man been years#ofc we've got all nezhnayans as only villains (9/10 a snezhnaya traveler meets is a villain tbqh at this point)#never gonna stop saying how ganyu's quest was straight up fucked up#anyways yeah some rant on my side#negative tw#i say this writing a russian mafiosi yes but i wrote zarina for years and GENSHIN CAN MAKE SNEZHNAYANS BETTER#AND BRING UP THE FAMILY TIES LIKE IN TARTAGLIA'S QUEST#AND THE MIRROR MAIDEN WITH HER LOCKET WITH HER FAMILY (BROTHERS)#OR THE SNEZHNAYANS AT THE NORTHERN BANK WHO WE ALL SHIPPED FOR YEARS TO GET TOGETHER#like my god. please.#like lbr the anti snezhnayan agendas that appear in some people's minds is so fucking bad like you can see through their behavior#and its so upsetting. i will NEVER stop bringing this up because i've been a victim of stereotypes#i've been a victim of bad publicity of my culture and its just getting on my nerves#rant cw#vent cw#lets not forget how infuriating memories of zhongli's and ganyu's quests specifically that got me to be upset#because in BOTH of their quests snezhnayans were fucking awful#AND IN GANYU'S QUEST THE SNEZHNAYAN LITERALLY DID FUCKING NOTHING HE'S STARVING AND HE GOT BEATEN UP BY TRAVELER AND GANYU#WITHOUT BEING ASKED SHIT#oh lord anyways if zarina is very adamant about her stance on snezhnayans it's supported by game portrayals#thanks it's not just her being petty she has reasons to be#based on how game showcases others' views on snezhnayans she WAS fucking bullied when she joined#she WAS verbally abused by other students or even other graduates who thought she was with Fatui#because thats how fucking real that is and it HURTS and I PRAY SNEZHNAYA WILL BE DONE CORRECTLY#BECAUSE THIS SHIT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT AND I KEEP GETTING EXTREMELY WORRIED...
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rapidly approaching my 21st birthday is hard and weird but not for any normal reasons thats for sure
#not a vent post im just rambling in the tags#theres 4 main factors at play here.#firstly theres Society n all that telling me 21 is a Special Biethday!!! you'll be old enough to legally do adult things!!!#secondly theres the fact that i love being alive and celebrating it this shit rules like fuck yes i get to keep living hell yes#thirdly theres the fact that i kinda dont actually care. like its chill. ive reached the point where a birthday is a cute lil tradition#i dont gotta go wild with it and dont feel the need to treat it differently than any other day#but also the 4th thing which is 21 is yet another age my doctors told me id never get to see so like this is A Big One#so this is actually hard as hell because fundamentally i dont care that much n dont have strong emotions BUT FUCK DUDE WHAT IF BIG CELEBRAT#constantly sitting here going hehe yayy its my birthday soon cant wait to hang out with my friends and then go back to normal life#while also going I NEED BIG PLANS I NEED HUGE PLANS I NEED A CELEBRATION OFF THE WALLS OH FUCK OH GOD#it doesnt stop being funny. i dont even know what kind of big thing id do anyways#mom said i couldnt go to moterey bay aquarium too much money and that was my only idea#ive been thinking about this for weeks and have come up with 0 other plans#'we gotta do a huge party' ok then come up with one then dumbass#oh noooo guess ill have a nice time at home just like any other day oh nooooo#guess my 21st birthday will be unspecial. darn. anyways
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what if instead of messaging me in the middle of the night about your stupid fucking girlfriend and your stupid fucking problems with her you actually act like my fucking friend and message me like how you message everyone else in our group
#bye ignore my venting bigger problems what fucking ever#im sick of her ass she only messages us for us to help her with her fucking girlfriend problems like we arent even friends atthis fckn point#and i love her shes so funny whatever but god shes literally the worst because i just want to be friends i dont fucking care ab her goddamn#selfish ass gf thats shes obsessed with. be obsessed tell me about it but cant we be friends ab other stuff too#we used to be her 'favorite friend' cause we shared so many interests and we hung around what fucking ever but fuck that right#get a gf and just use us to help better yalls relationship without even telling her you're sharing her private msgs w us huh yeah sure#what fucking ever im so done with this bitch and i cant even get my contacts out cause i have long nails and im js poking my eye#AND SHE WOULD NEVER BE SORRY if our friendship fell apart she would tell everyone i was jealous of her gf or what ever i literally dont care#she was like an older sister before i dont get why getting a gf would have to change shit like ok good for u but what ab us#what about me its not even fucking fair like is it that hard to keep up w ur friends?? NO its fucking not#taking me so long to write a post bc im still fucking helping her with her stupid dumb selfish idiotic gf omfg#just BREAK UP i literally dont fucking care just leave her if she makes u unhappy its literally online tf is she gonna do to u nothing omfg#why am i the one being punished when shes the one with the stupid dumb gf that hates her and herself i dont fucking care i js want m friend#and i cant tell any of our mutual friends cause she dont do that to them its js me so itd be like im being dramatic#and like shit i guess i am but i dont care atp thats all she ever talks to me ab like ok i get it i helped u but stop jfc#but if i said that we'd never talk again bc what fucking ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cause im just dramatic whatever#if u cant resolve these simple problems of communication on ur own then maybe u shouldnt be in a relationship idk js my thoughts! die#sry the 1 person who knows what xactly i mean is asleep and im so tired of getting late night msgs being like hii can u help me SHUT UP#id love to help if we were actually still fucking friends but we arent so js leave me alone bruh#post#nickpost#will delete in morning my mom keeps telling me to put my phone down bt i need 2 say smfh 2 some1#i hate change i hate slight differences in my normal day to day i hate everything i hate not having smth to rely on i hate change i hate it#sry im alg now im js sick of her ass js leave bruh#nimbhe my moms yelling im tired anyway i need to js isolate myself forever no problems if im on an island alone#living my best life in the shade drinking idk water or whatever and just talking to myself bc who even needs friends right!!!!!!!!#its 11:11 make a wjsh#adding more cz whatever im deleting this ltr anyway#its so clear where i stand with everyone cause its always close but not close enough friendly but not friends and i guess its the same w her#bye im out of tags etc whatever nobody matching my freak ever never comfortable in any friendships
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someone tell me why people would rather just not talk to me for the chance i might talk about something i like
#vent post#ig??? not really its funny but tagging vent just in case#but no like fr it feels like no one could give a fuck less about what i life and each time i talk about something i like#ppl either change the subject immediately or just ignore me/go silent lmao#i kinda wanna just like stop talking about things i like would that make me bareable to be around?#ok ig this is a vent idfk i don't actually vent often#anyway back to youtube and popcorn
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#venting in this blog as it has less than 100 followers but#it makes me so sad to see some corners of the tolkien fandom feel like#they have to resort to AI “art” to depict their characters#ive observed some used to pay for loads of commissions and now its all AI#i get that its free and that people would rather not draw if they feel they dont have the talent for it#its a chore for me too sometimes i get it!!#and then they post it on various art and fic sites and im like#shaking them by their shoulders pleading for them to stop#if you need to use it for help with character design when your hand isnt skilled enough to like#siiighhh i get that ok fine#but then just use it as a reference and try your hand at it#i complain sometimes when im doing art but it really is a thing of beauty and inner peace when you can make something with#your own hand#even if its bad to some peoples eyes! but then you gain the valuable skill of blocking out the haters
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Having people you care about who are suicidal while you're not suicidal is truly a special torture I think I want to go back to wanting to kill myself im gonna throw up
#vent post#it's just. knowing theres no quick fix or surefire solution because there never was for /you/#it feels a little hopeless yknow? like what can i do really? how can i singlehandedly restore your faith in the world?#how can i stop your body from causing you constant pain?#i literally cant. and im not good at handling the fact that i cant do much#doesnt help that last time a friend tried to kill themself i sorta didnt see or didnt take note of the warning signs#now someone is letting me see all the warning signs it's setting off the 'THIS IS WAY WORSE THAN LAST TIME ALARMS' and idk if thats true#but its really putting me on edge about it#for forever i was used to knowing people who want to kill themselves but dont ever take action to do it#which is miserable and terrible but it's not particularly scary#PLUS doesnt help that by coincidence i was remembering other horrible miserable things that happened after my friend tried to kill themself#and my brain loves to imagine what mjght happen if they /do/ try to kill themself. what I'll do when i find out. whay ill do if they succeed#i dont really want to think about it but we're thinking about it i guess#hey isnt it kinda funny that my parents /still/ dont know my friend tried to kill themself that night#and i got yelled at for being antisocial while i was sobbing and sick with grief and unable to get out of bed#oh im gonna throw up. anyway#dont mind me im mostly ok#feeling a little sick but i can manage
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I love when I'm talking to someone and someone else who I don't know like that butts in to ask a really personal question that informs the conversation they are not a part of
#joked to a coworker that shes gonna get in trouble for breaking dress code and ahe asked abt my shirt#and i said i have a special exception and was gonna leave it at that and tell her abt it later when ppl werent around#and my fucking old supervisor who was literally demoted for being bad at their job goes 'whats your special exception'#first of all who was talking to you. not me#so i said i am disabled and constricting clothes cause discomfort and they said 'why don't you just buy plain shirts'#BITCH WHO ASKEDDDD. first of all they do not pay me enough for that second of all they should just comply with the fucking ada#so why are they interrupting my fucking conversation to ask about my clothes#im just too tired and frustrated and stressed for this. theyre lucky there were people around or i would've lost it probably#lol when an ex coworker decides its ok to share what you post on your personal blog with people you still work with#if any of you are looking at this post again stop. leave my blog. its incredibly inappropriate to share a private blog without permission#i don't tell anyone at work about my blog for a reason. this has been my blog/diary since i was 12 years old#i say things on here I wouldn't say irl because this is where i vent thoughts that are harsh. please respect my privacy#and stop fucking snooping on me. thanks.#and please do no not mention anything you saw here to anyone ever. including me.
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no but like what the fuck
#vent post time!!!!!!!!!!!!#like ok so i graduate and then what#i move? to a different province? and i learn to teach kids? and then what#and then i teach kids???#what if it doesnt make me happy#like the thought makes me happy now#but what if i get there and it doesnt#or what if it stops making me happy#am i just like doomed to keep making new batches of friends every 4-5 years? will there always be awful people amongst them?#i didnt...think id make it this far?#like i know thats dark and stupid but like i didnt and now im just kind of making very brief one to two year plans because i dont know what#to do and that scares me. like graduating is terrifying because i dont know whats next#like no matter where i go even if i stay here it will be intrinsically different#and i dont want to stay here because its safe or because i know this place because i dont want to get stuck here#maybe im just scared of growing older? i dont know man#idk. living with anxiety is hard.#like i know it'll b ok but its scary. and it never stops being scary.#its ok for now because i still have a year left
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this is genuinely... so funny to me. like the hilarity of copypasting rational tweets. i'm literally right. it's not even a funny copypasta because it's literally just. objectively correct. it's a criticism of twitter culture and that makes it funny to you because...... god forbid you actually have empathy for other people. caring is for losers if you're on twitter dot com, you have to be snarky and funny at all times.
#moots & friends keep sending me shit and im just like. lmfao this is embarrassing for YOU guys. i stand by everything ive said actually.#i'm sorry you think trying to have a genuine conversation about harmful behaviours is cringe#you consider yourself an activist and will retweet every fucking post abt current events#but you can't actually be bothered to make a positive change in your own life.........#the fact that most of them stop responding after they realize im not going to freak out and give them something emotional is very telling#it's not even like most of them disagree they literally just want to make fun of me for...... caring. like ok. weird hill to die on idk#im at the point where im considering privating my tweets just so i dont continue to get ppl responding but#i think its important that ppl can see my responses. because i stand by them and clearly other ppl do too#theres been a lot of mixed responses but a lot of people have actually ended up agreeing with me after some back and forth#which i appreciate. i didnt want to start fuckin. twitter drama. but like. ill take it#i dont interact with sunnyblr at all so i think this is a good opportunity to potentially change at least a few ppls perspectives#and if youre too far gone to the point where you think that someone caring about perpetuating homophobic rhetoric is funny#i. dont really want to interact with you anyway lol. get better soon xoxo#last post about this on here im. putting this to rest.#ada speaks#genuinely disgusting how many of these ppl will say shit like. ppl are dying. like... yeah. what are YOU doing to help.#retweeting a donation link or someones random carrd doesnt do shit actually. performative armchair activism.#same ppl tweeting vapid shit while acting like theyre above engaging with me on this#i was venting about people qrting glenns old tweets with stupid shit because it was clogging my tl actually lol
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hhhhhhhh
#bruh. i had so much in my savings. and 700 dollars. SEVEN HUNDRED. went to my brother#are you fucking kidding meeee#im not a stingy person. i like money but im not greedy but are you kidding me. and most of it wasnt even for anything important#can this guy please just get employed and stop mooching off of me X) would be greatly apprrciated#bc i need money too???#and literally i was sketching when he took it out of my hands and gave it to my grandma HELLO#i love my grandma but like X) maybe not when its literally in my fucking hands please#and shes flipping through it from the beginning brooooo just. give it back#my brother seriously does whatever the fuck he wants and im the one always taking care of everything#im doneeee let me relax for once 😭 im on break and ur literally making me do all this shit and stressing me out#and next week my parents will be gone and he mooches off of them too i'll have to do EVERYTHING my god#ok whatever. whatever#vent post#aricouldyounot
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on one hand the mature thing to do is ignore petty drama that people are creating. but on the other hand, people misunderstanding the situation and misconstruing things you said is really upsetting. so i guess i will just say this and not concern myself with it anymore: you don't have to share anyone's interests in anything but if you want to be friends with them it would be nice if you could at least be respectful. and like, you don't have to interact with anything about their interests at all. but if you ignore them unless they're talking about something you like, that isn't real friendship. and if someone says hey, the things you are doing are hurtful. if you continue doing them, i don't know that i want to be your friend anymore, and you freak out & blame the other person, and they stop being your friend... thats just someone setting a boundary & following through.
like. idk what to tell you, if every time i interact with you i leave because i feel bad and belittled, i don't really have any motivation to continue doing so. and like, if you don't like anything about me, then what's the loss to you even? maybe just go on with your day instead of making posts about how im terminally online or whatever.
#like actually i am hurt at the loss of a friendship but also this isn't a one time thing#and it isn't the first time we even stopped talking over it.#idk why i don't learn my lessons literally my ex was the same way#& its funny bc you guys hate each other#ok im sorry for vague posting i know its terrible i just needed to vent
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Ily paracetamol ily ibuprofen you make life manageable
#text post#vent#kinda?#idk#im just in pain rn and had to go in a whole anxiety inducing quest to get some paracetamol in me at half 5am#also dw im ok#my legs just for some reason randomly decide to hurt every now and again#usually its not too bad if i catch it early and pre-emptively take some painkillers#but when i cant take it right away- or just dont notice it it can get bad#i guess#i dunno#i cant tell if im over or under selling how much it hurts#ik that even at the lowest end if the pain spectrum it stops me from sleepint lol#shoutout to antihistamines too#miracle workers for hay fever#not so much for insomnia but great for hay fever
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