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r1poutmygvtz · 23 days ago

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longgg ramble/vent/whatever's on my mind, idk man i'm tired and should probably schedule another therapy appointment soon

also this is kinda just all over the place, idk my thoughts are kinda scattered rn for some reason

(tws: mental health talk, sh, suicide attempts, od mention, ed, body issues, weed + alcohol talk, medicine misuse, childhood abuse, pet + family death mentions, possibly more idk if i missed one lmk and i'll tag it and put it up here)

my mental health right now is so fragile i don't understand, like obviously i know i'm depressed, i've been diagnosed for nearly two years now but i should've been much earlier, maybe that's why it got so bad, i don't even remember why i was diagnosed tbh, i think it was my first time back after like a year and a half maybe two years of not being in therapy and obviously a lot of shit happened, in that time that i went without therapy i tried to kms three times, had an alcoholic phase, and got addicted to weed

it was also sometime around my birthday i believe, which would make sense on why i got diagnosed, im always super depressed around my birthday, i mean i was expelled on my 13th, my great grandma died the day after my 14th and the day after that i tried to kms and that was the most traumatizing one and it took me over 2 years to be able to take the meds that i od'd on again without freaking out, i was literally so high i can't even remember my 15th, 4 days before my 16th i graduated (horrible for me, i had a panic attack everyday leading up to it for like 2 weeks straight) and 2 days after that my cat that i had since my 12th birthday died, so there's literally nothing enjoyable about my birthday and it feels more like a curse than anything

anyways, i've been the same since i was like 8 or 9, i was depressed and dreamt/wished i would die or get seriously hurt, maybe i just wanted my dad to care about me for once or maybe i did really just want to die, im not sure, i can't really remember my childhood, my therapist says i most likely have ptsd from the abuse which would explain the memory gaps and dpdr (depersonalization & derealization for those that don't know, the derealization is confirmed by my therapist btw just not the depersonalization but that's probably only because i didn't bring that up)

i think the most fucked up part is the fact it took me 16 years to find out the abuse was also physical, i spent the entire time before that thinking it was only verbal towards me and my siblings but i guess not, also apparently all the times me and my sister went to my neighbors/aunts house was because we were hiding from my dad, i thought we just went over to watch cartoons because we didn't have them at home, idk it was just weird for me to find out 7 years after it stopped, it doesn't really bother me all that much tbh my dad was already dead to me and i've been mostly no contact with him for almost 3 years now

also speaking of me as a kid, that's when a lot of my problems started, i was 9 almost 10 for the dpdr and 8 or 9 when i started hating my body, sh came in later tho i was like 10 or 11 when that started, i actually remember being like 9 and writing down everything i ate on a piece of paper, and when i was 10 i kept a notebook full of what i weighed in the morning and night and would see the difference in it, i also vividly remember asking my mom how many calories were in something from mcdonald's and she told me i was too young to be asking that so i just kinda stopped after that which obviously ended up coming back, i mean just look at my account

anyways yea i just hate how back and forth my mental health is, one day i could be doing great and think i'm amazing and unbelievably pretty and smart and ill try to better myself by getting sober and staying clean, then the next day i'll hate myself and consider going back to taking my meds throughout the day just so i was loopy and hardly able to process anything

tbh i do miss it a lot, i started back when i was heavily addicted to weed and would take my meds when i couldn't smoke, actually i used to take melatonin a bunch throughout the day so i could just pass out if anything happened that i didn't want to deal with (literally anything at all tbf) but that started to not work as well as i wanted so i turned to my meds, i'd take my nightly dose (50mg instead of the 20mg i was supposed to take) at like noon and would be loopy until it was time to actually take it, i didn't do it much tbh, my sisters bf caught on after the third or fourth time because i had just met his family for the first time that day and their dog tried to bite my face apparently and i didn't even react (didn't even realize it happened tbh) and he asked what was up with me and i told him bc i've known him forever, anyways yea he yelled at me to knock it off and went on about how it's gonna kill me if i kept doing it, so i did it like once after that and it's been months since i've done it again

it's kinda funny tho, those meds actually could've killed me regardless, i was supposed to take them three times a day but only really did once at school and i still got a bunch of the more serious side effects because i wasn't supposed to smoke while taking them but obv i did bc i was addicted, like breathing was hard, i nearly fainted all the time, my appetite was nonexistent, my heart was starting to mess up, like i literally thought i had a heart attack one day because the side effects were that bad and my mom and sister started looking up symptoms of POTS because that's what the side effects looked like, anyways i got taken off those months ago but i still have them somewhere and i'm fighting the urge to find and take them just so i have no appetite and so i'll sleep through the day

i think that's really all idk, there's more i was gonna say but i can't really remember plus this is already super long jfc, i don't expect anyone to actually read this, i just wanted it off my chest and i don't really trust talking to many people about this kinda stuff

#gvtz #gvtz life #gvtz vents #gvtz rambles #tw mental health #tw pet death #tw family death #tw child abuse #tw childhood trauma #tw ed #tw sh related #tw sui attempt #tw overdose #tw alcohol #tw weed #tw addiction #tw medicine misuse

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and-claudia · 1 year ago

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Against All Odds pt.4 (Joel Miller x fem! reader)

Time skip

WARNINGS: ANGST!!!!!! Mentions of abortions, arguing

General Warnings for later on: The main story will have an age gap between Joel and the reader (Reader will be 25 once we get to the main storyline), this will also be your warning that it will eventually be an x pregnant reader (if that's not your jam, I'm sorry) there is also going to be more graphic/trigger parts later on so please always to be sure to read the warnings BEFORE reading. This story will also be 18+ and TO BE ON THE TAGLIST YOU CAN NOT BE AN AGELESS BLOG (i do actually check that) also there first hand full of parts are all prologue so Joel won't actually be in it for a bit

Wordcount: 4200+ (I am so sorry it's so long)

Taglist Sign-Up (read my rules carefully before filling it out)

It’s crazy how three years of being happy and in love can come shattering to the ground with a two-word sentence.

“I’m pregnant.” The words seemed to be echoing in the small living room of my and Joel’s apartment.

He stood there. His expression was unreadable. I was debating on if I should repeat myself or just wait it out. I chose the latter. It felt like time had slowed as I stared back at him waiting anxiously. At this point, I would be happy if he would even just yell at me to get out. Anything seemed better than this deafening silence I was being forced to endure.

A heavy sigh.

Okay, good. We’re getting somewhere.

Then he turned and began pacing, running his fingers up through his hair, then wiping his hands down his face as he tried to process what I had said. I stayed quiet.

“How? How did this even happen? We’re always so careful.” He said.

“I mean not every time. Ther-”

“No. I’ve been careful. I know damn well I have been. Maybe you haven’t.” He cut me off with his suggestion.

“I know you’re not implying that I’ve cheated on you, Joel.” I said, clearly hurt, “There have been plenty of times where we weren’t. I mean hell if I had to guess this probably happened on my birthday. We definitely were not careful then. So don’t you dare try to accuse me of cheating.”

I felt a wave of relief when he stepped forward and pulled me to him. I hadn’t realized that tears had begun falling from my eyes until I could see them staining his shirt.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m sorry, ‘m just shocked. It’s okay. Don’t worry, we’ll get it taken care of.”

His words made me pull back but not completely out of his arms, “What do you mean?”

“We can get you an abortion pill, I know they still have those. We’ll get one and take care of this.” He explained.

“No…” I shook my head, “I don’t want to do that Joel… I mean I know this wasn’t planned but I’m honestly kinda excited about having our own little family.” I admitted.

“Sweetheart… I just, I can’t do this again. It’s been so long since I’ve been around small kids, let alone a baby. Shit, it’s been 30 years since I’ve held a baby probably, longer than you’ve been alive.”

That made me step away from him. At first, I thought he meant he couldn’t do this again because of what happened to his daughter. I wouldn’t blame him for that at all. He hadn’t talked about her again in the three years we’d been together, not unless he was waking up from a nightmare.

“So you don’t want this baby because you don’t want to have to start over again?” I asked, disgusted for even thinking that was going to be his reasoning.

“I mean it’s just been so long since I’ve done this.”

“Okay, so? I’ve never done this, hell, Joel, I’ve never even actually held a baby! I am 25 years old and I’ve never held a baby let alone raised one! I was also the youngest in my family so I know literally nothing about raising a kid. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want this baby any less.”

He reverted to silence once again. I couldn’t take it. I needed to get out of here.

“You know what? It’s Wednesday, I was supposed to go to the market earlier… I am going to go now. Do whatever the fuck you want to here. Pack your shit, hell pack my shit, kick me out. I don’t care.” I said, walking over to the kitchen counter to grab my bag and the money we set aside for food at the market.

“Take your gun.” He called to me.

“I am.” I snapped as I grabbed it and tucked it into the top of my jeans before letting my shirt cover it.

When I got to the market there weren’t that many people there thank goodness. I went over to the vendor that always has potatoes and was surprised to see that he still had most of his produce there considering it was pretty late in the day.

“Not selling this week?” I asked as I walked up.

“Nope. Not at this price.” He said, clearly not happy.

“I’m sorry. Give it a week though, they will be coming back next week when they realize how much they need them.” I tried to reassure him.

“Let’s hope. Here is your bag.” He said, reaching down to grab the bag he stashed for Joel and me.

We’ve helped him out with various things and this was how he paid us for it. I finished getting a few other things but took my time heading back to the apartment. When I got there, Joel was passed out on the couch. When I went to set my stuff down on the table I wasn’t too surprised to find the decanter of homemade moonshine half empty again, nor was it a shocker that there was a baggie with a couple of pills left in it. I just sighed and grabbed them both to put them away. When I came and saw what else was left out I was a little confused. Joel had gotten the maps out of their hiding place in the floor. I decided it wasn’t worth my time asking about now, not that I’d be able to wake him up anyways. Ever since his brother went radio silence on him he’s been a wreck. Instead, I put away the food I had gotten at the market and decided to just go to bed.

The next morning when I woke up I heard two voices and I didn’t even have to guess who it was. I knew it was Tess. I quietly made my way over to the closed door, careful not to make my presence known just yet, and listened.

“Trucks no good without the battery. And if I don’t get to Tommy soon, he’ll die out there.” I heard Joel say.

What? Joel hadn’t mentioned anything about going to find Tommy. I continued to listen. From what I gathered this had been in the works for at least a little bit. They had a battery lined up for them but got screwed over.

“We’ll get our money back and get the battery.” I heard Tess say to him.

I finally opened the door making them turn their attention to the sound. They both froze when they saw me.

“You’re leaving, together?” I asked.

“Shit.” He mumbled.

I turned around and slammed the door. I was beyond hurt. He wasn’t even going to tell me. I needed to clear my head, so I quickly got dressed then went over to the window before climbing out onto the fire escape.

I wasn’t sure how long it had been but I continued to sit out there cross-legged. No tears fell, I didn’t have the energy for that, I just simply sat there thinking. Eventually, I heard the window slide open behind me but made no attempt to look at him.

"Yn, come inside. You know it's not safe on that thing." He said gently.

"Oh. So suddenly he cares." I said bitterly, “Thought you would have already left by now.”

"Yn, I've always cared about you, always will." He said.

"Bullshit."

He sighed. I could hear him getting up and sitting back down on the windowsill. He didn't say a word after that. We stayed in silence for a few minutes before I spoke up again.

"I thought my age didn't mean anything to you. I thought it never mattered that I was only 25." I said.

"It doesn't." He said.

"You're such a fucking liar, Joel... you told me that you couldn't do this again. That it had been over 30 years since you held a baby since you've raised a newborn. 30 years, longer than I've even been alive. Clearly, subconsciously my age has been an issue for you." I said finally turning to see him hanging his head down.

He didn't speak up again.

“We’re you going to tell me?” I asked referring to his plan to go find Tommy.

“I was.”

“When?”

“Last night, but then you blindsided me with-”

“I did not blindside you. I wasn’t expecting this either… so does this mean we’re done?”

“I don’t know, like I said I can’t do this again. I think we just need to sit down and have a serious conversation about it all. Maybe this trip will give us both the time to think everything through and we can talk about it when I get back.” He suggested.

“When you get back?... I’m goin' with y’all.”

“Yn, no, you can’t.”

“Why?”

“You’re pregnant, you don’t need to be traveling all the way to Wyoming.” He tried to sound reasonable.

“What do you care? You don’t even want the baby. Now move, I need to pack.” I said, standing up.

He knew it was no use arguing with me once I made my mind up it was made and I was going to stick to it. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t pissed that I was going.

I grabbed my bag and threw in what I would need before tossing my gun in on top. Joel had already left the room and was getting the rest of the supplies together out in the living room. Lucky for Tess, we usually left the QZ from mine and Joel's apartment so she had stashes of supplies with ours so she was able to pack hers as well. Once we were packed we devised a plan. Well, they did. I didn’t know the details and Joel was being petty not telling me them and Tess was following along. All I knew was that we’d go into the old subway tunnels to come up through the bottom of the building where their guy that had their money and truck battery should be.

“Alright, come on, kid.” Tess said, slinging her bag over her shoulder.

“I’m not a fucking kid.” I snapped.

“Damn, someone is not happy today.” She said, walking out the door.

I grabbed Joel by the sleeve of his denim shirt to get him to hang back for a second.

“Have you told her yet?”

“No.”

“Good. Don’t.” I said.

“Hate to break it to you but she’ll find out eventually. Can’t hide it forever, sweetheart.” He shot back.

“I know. And when I am ready to tell her about my baby, I will.” I said before letting go of his arm and following Tess out.

The walk to the access point of the abandoned subway tunnels was quiet. When we finally made it to the building, the doors had been re-chained and locked once again. That had never deterred us before, it definitely wouldn’t do it today. Joel cut the chain and we were in. We took a second to get our guns and flashlights out. I had never liked going through the tunnels before, they were dark and damp and smelt like mildew. I wasn’t entirely sure if the smell had actually gotten worse since I had been down there or if maybe it was because I was pregnant but it was almost making me gag.

And the deeper we got, the worse it smelt. I was half tempted to just turn back around. But I had a point to prove, I wouldn’t give Joel the satisfaction of leaving me here. When I heard Tess say she found the way out I was relieved. Once we got through the door I stopped in the small entry area as Tess went on ahead.

“Joel, can you grab my water for me, I feel like I am going to puke?” I asked, trying to keep myself from puking, the air in here wasn’t nearly as bad.

“I told you, you shouldn’t go with us.” He said but still stepped over to grab the canteen from my bag.

Before he got a chance to grab it though we heard Tess yell. That caused both of us to spring into action and follow where she had gone, guns ready. When we made it around the corner we saw no immediate threats, but as my eyes scanned I saw why she had yelled.

Fused to the wall was, what used to be, a person. Their body was completely taken over by the fungus.

“It’s dead.”

“No shit, Joel.” I said back.

“I know, I just wasn’t really expecting it.”

“Was he not here last time?” I asked and she shook her head.

“You think he came down here after he was infected?” Tess asked.

Joel was quick to respond with, “Maybe down here is where he was infected.”

“I’m sure we’re fine��” I said trying not to dwell on that idea too much.

“Yeah, let's just keep moving.” Tess said, turning and leading the way once again.

We finally made it to a sketchy-looking ladder. Tess went first, then me, and lastly Joel. As we climbed Joel made a comment about the construction of the building itself, something about it getting updated in the 80s or something. Despite the fact I didn’t always know what he was talking about when it came to construction, I always loved hearing and learning about his old interests. Tess cracked a joke teasing him about his construction-nerd comment, which made me smile slightly. We climbed a little bit higher before Tess got off the ladder.

It was a small landing with only a single door.

“This should lead into the hallway.” She said as she went to push it.

“Is it stuck? Or is something blocking it?” I asked after it didn’t budge.

“What the fuck?” She asked, shoving it again.

Then the smell hit me.

“Okay, I know y’all have got to be able to smell that.” I said.

“Yeah, it’s gunpowder.” Joel confirmed

We all scanned the area around us for its source. Then Tess found it, seeping up from under the door was a stream and pool of blood. She shoved the door a little harder and was able to move the body that was slumped in front of it.

When we made it through I was shocked. There were probably at least half a dozen dead people. Beside one of the men was the truck battery. I didn’t know much about cars, but I did know one that corroded wouldn’t have worked.

As if to confirm my thought Tess spoke up from where she was squatting down beside it, “Well, the battery’s no good.”

“Do you think he knew?” I asked.

“Oh yeah. He knew, and he still tried selling it, twice. Greedy motherfucker.” Tess said as she stood.

Just as she finished speaking we heard something further up the hall. Joel wasted no time, bringing his gun up and going in pursuit of the sound. I was right behind him, my own gun raised as well.

“Stay back I got this.” He said quietly over his shoulder.

“What if there is more than one?”

He gave no answer and just continued down the hall. We rounded a corner and there was someone trying to help another person up off the ground. Before we got close enough to them the door to our right swung open. I stepped back in time, but Joel didn’t react quickly enough. Someone lept out of the now open door, knife in hand. Joel threw them to the ground quickly and pointed his gun at them. It was then that I realized it was a kid, couldn’t be older than 15.

“Joel?” The lady down the hall called out.

I turned my attention back to her and brought my gun up to aim it at her just as a precaution.

“Marleen?” Joel asked back.

They know each other?

The lady, now known to me as Marleen, checked on the girl who said she was fine. But then she went to grab the knife she had lost after getting thrown to the ground by Joel, but he quickly stepped on it blocking her from being able to.

Marleen then called the girl’s name, Ellie, to get her attention. That’s when she noticed that Marleen was hurt. She had just finished reassuring her when Tess joined us.

“So this is who Robert screwed us over with?”

The two of them continued a small banter as my attention went back to the girl. I saw her reach for the knife again. Joel quickly turned to point his gun at her.

“Don’t.” He warned, causing Marleen and the person she was helping to bring their own guns up to point them at him.

“Not at her!” Marleen said firmly, as Tess and I both aimed our guns back at her and the person with her, “Point it at me.”

I stole a glance at Ellie, her hands were raised and she looked terrified. Joel slowly took his aim off her and brought it back to Marleen.

“No offense,” She began, “Our reason for needing that battery is much bigger than yours. Tommy is just one man…” She paused to gauge Joel’s reaction, “It’s our job to know things.”

“To know things.” Joel repeated, “You’re the same cause that caused my brother to turn against me.”

“Okay, Joel.” Marleen said as if they have had this conversation before.

Marleen’s friend finally spoke up, “That was a lot of gunfire.”

“That means FEDRA will be here soon.” I added, knowing we needed to get the hell out of here.

“I know.” Marleen said quietly as if she were deep in thought about something. She sighed before speaking up again.

“We were going to move Ellie out of the QZ tonight. But now we won’t make it anywhere, not for a while at least… So, now I’m thinking, you’re gonna do it.” She said.

“What?”

“Like hell we are.”

“I’m not goin’ with them!”

Me, Joel, and Ellie all spoke at the same time.

I turned to look at Tess as Joel did the same, “Tess we don’t have time this.” He said.

“Who is she?” Tess asked, ignoring Joel.

“For you, consider her cargo.”

“We don’t smuggle people.” Joel said to Marleen.

“There is a team of Fireflies waiting for her at the old State House. I know what’s out there. We were going with an entire squadron for that very reason. Now I don’t have that, and I don’t have a truck with FEDRA closing in. All have now is you. And I know what you are capable of… For better or worse.” Marleen said.

I glanced down at Ellie as she spoke up, “What are they capable of?”

“You don’t want to know.” I said quietly to her, shaking my head slightly.

“You get her there safely,” Marleen continued, “and they’ll give you what you need. Not just a battery, but the whole thing. Anything you need. I swear.”

Joel stayed silent as he looked back at Tess and me. I glanced between the two of them waiting for one of them to make a decision about what we were doing. Tess finally nodded for Joel and me to step away with her so we could discuss.

“I don’t think I trust her.” I said once we stopped.

“Neither do we, but she seems desperate.” Tess said.

“A Firefly vehicle usually means stuff repurposed from FEDRA which would give us a better-than-decent chance makin’ it to Tommy. The second we hand that kid over-” Joel got cut off.

“Y’all can talk it through but keep in mind I am bleeding out still.” Marleen called out to us.

We waited a moment before Tess turned back to them.

“Okay so here’s the deal. We’ll get her to the State House. But we will not hand her over until we have been given everything we want. If not, we kill her, there and then.”

I wanted to protest that plan but before I could, Marleen said it was a deal.

“Really? That fast?” Ellie asked.

“I was thinking the same thing.” I mumbled to myself.

“You are all that matters. Go grab your bag.”

It took her a second but she got up and went back into the room to get it. When she got back I let her go ahead of me, following Tess with Joel at the rear of our small group. We walked through the rain back to the apartment. When we got there Joel handed Tess the key to unlock it. She did and held it open for Ellie, I followed behind her. Then Tess was closing the door.

“Keep an eye on the kid, Joel and I need a second.” She said.

“Seriously? I can help plan!” I yelled through the door.

I could hear them discussing which route we take and Bill and Franks. With a sigh, I turned to Ellie.

“You can go set your bag down.” I said, nodding her over to the living room.

I waited by the door for Joel to come back inside. He eventually did and went straight to the couch.

“What’s the plan?” I asked.

“Kill time until it’s dark, then leave.” He said matter of factly.

“Kill time? What are we supposed to do?”

“Figure it out.” He snapped before closing his eyes.

“Just don’t talk to him right now, Ellie. He’s in a bad mood.” I said.

“Clearly.” She said making me laugh a little.

“You like card games?” I asked, grabbing our deck off the shelf.

“Yeah.” She smiled, walking over to the table where I had already sat down.

We played for a bit before I told her I was going to take a short nap before it got dark and advised her to do the same. I went to mine and Joel’s room to lie down on the bed there.

I wasn’t sure how long I was asleep for, but I was being woken up by Tess.

“You comin’ or what? Get a jacket, kid. Come on.” She said.

I quickly got up and went to grab my jacket but hesitated. I wasn’t sure how long we’d be out there. Hopefully not long but if something goes wrong and we’re away longer than we expect, I didn’t want my jacket not to fit when I start showing so instead, I grabbed one of Joel’s older ones and threw that on. When I walked out wearing it Joel gave me a weird look.

“That mine?”

“I couldn’t find mine, let’s just go.” I lied.

“You’re still coming with us?” He asked.

“Oh my gosh, yes, Joel. I am going. Deal with it.”

And with that, I left the apartment.

We made it out and passed the patrols. Then we made it outside of the walls, but we weren’t in the clear yet. They had patrols on the wall. Tess was leading our group, then Ellie behind her, then me, then Joel. We had just about made it when we failed, trying to sneak past a footguard taking a piss. I felt a wave of panic but then when he realized who we were and didn’t just shoot us I felt a little better.

“Get on your knees!” He kept yelling at us.

“Just do it.” Tess said, getting down.

I followed her lead, no need in making this difficult. Joel and Ellie followed as well.

“Look, you let us do this run we will split the cards with you.” Tess tried to bargain but it wasn’t working. He had us facing away from him and was about to test all of us for infection. I still hated getting this done. Tess went first as she continued to try and sweeten the deal with him. When he got behind me, Joel reached over to grab my hand to give me some comfort, knowing I hated this, but I pulled it away quickly just as the device pricked me. Then he went on to Joel, who also tried to negotiate a better deal for us to be let go, he wasn’t biting. He got to Ellie, but to everyone’s surprise, she whipped around and stabbed the guard in the leg. As Ellie stood I was quick to get to my feet to stand in front of her as the guard aimed his rifle at her.

“Get out of my fucking way!” The guard yelled.

“No.” I said firmly.

By this point Joel had gotten up and was now in front of me, “We can fix this!”

“Move.”

It all happened so fast. One moment Joel was in front of me blocking me from the rifle, next he had tackled the guard to the ground and was beating the shit out of him. There was nothing I could do besides watch.

“Hey, guys!” Tess yelled getting mine and Joel's attention.

She held up the device the guard was using to test us for infection. It was lit up red. Ellie tried to argue that she wasn’t sick. I tuned out her and Tess arguing and just looked at Joel waiting for him to react. The sound of sirens broke me from my trance.

“We need to get the fuck out of here. Now!”

taglist: (if you filled out a form and aren't on this list that means either a) your blog is not coming up in the searches so I am unable to confirm that you are 18+, or b) you did not follow my rules for being tagged in this fic)

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greatcheshire · 2 years ago

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i think you've alluded a few times to the weird food situation you had in your upbringing, so i was wondering if you ever talked at length about that? if not, would you be comfortable saying like, what the heck was up with it? if not thats totally fine, i know it's probably a tough subject, but i will admit i am intrigued.

I believe I've talked about it before, but probably through scattered posts and what not, so I don't mind explaining it! If anything just so I have something to link to when people ask lol

CW: abuse I guess? Idk if this counts for abuse or not but just for safety's sake

Basically I wasn't really exposed to a lot of food as a young child. Like I was a picky eater at a young age, which isn't that unique, but my mom wouldn't pressure me to step out of my comfort zone at all and try anything else (vegetables, bread, most food) and instead resort to whatever I already liked. By the time I was five, this had evolved into my mom rarely, if ever, cooking anything for me and my sister, with her often just getting me fast food nuggets or me having to cook whatever a five year old could easily make and would want to make (aka a lot of microwave pizzas, dinosaur nuggets, hot dogs, and mozzarella sticks. She would give me Twinkies for breakfast, though, as they were "a source of bread so they're healthy"). As a result of this, even if I did want to try new foods, I was often unable to, as they weren't in the house or not something I could easily prep or understand myself.

This evolved once again around the time I was in middle school when my mom had me placed on a very restrictive diet in order to present a legal case for the court regarding my custody, treatment, and physical and mental health. She worked with my doctor at the time to put me on a diet where the only restriction was I couldn't eat anything over 7% saturated fat, which quickly showed to be a flawed system, as it meant I could eat as many cookies as I wanted but wasn't allowed a single yogurt cup. As part of this diet, my mom basically refused to buy any food for me that wasn't cinnamon rolls or Ritz crackers dipped in ranch dressing. So for a few years, so long as I was at my mom's, I was eating either cinnamon rolls or Ritz with ranch for three meals a day, minus the days I could sneak out and secretly use money to buy myself lunch somewhere. I remember one time she had me take a glucose test (where you have to fast and then get your blood drawn every hour for, like, 8 hours) and refused to get me anything real to eat afterwards so I chugged a few Vitamin Waters and ate Ritz crackers with ranch dressing in the hopes that it would help the woozy feeling that comes with having so much blood drawn after fasting.

When I was 14 my mom died and I was now living with my dad full time and at this point my palate began to expand, mainly due to my stepmom encouraging/pressuring me to try things that weren't just chicken tenders, cheese sticks, hot dogs, or pizza. However, I wasn't fully out of the clear yet, as my dad is also a picky, meat and potatoes kinda guy. So while I was trying more and more foods, it was a lot of stuff like pork chops or ribs or brisket or steak. Still good things to try! But not a lot of variety, especially for a family that doesn't eat non-American foods except for Taco Bell and doesn't keep fruits or vegetables in the house. Furthermore, I also had the point where despite being a teenager, being kept away from so much food for so long made me sort of averse to even breaking that barrier. Why try bread at this point when I'm 15 and know that I don't like it? What if I have it and it's gross? What if I finally do try lettuce and it makes me sick? Even when I did try things, a lot of it tasted so differently from what my tastebuds were used to that it was hard to learn to actually like it. This is something I still struggle with, to be honest: how to determine if I actually don't like the taste of something or if's just a new taste I've never experienced before.

It would kinda stay stagnant like this until I was 19, just finishing up my first year in college and about to go into my second. And as we all know, college is the time for discovery and experimentation, which in this case meant trying bread. I don't know why I started branching out into more foods then. I think I had just gotten so tired of eating the same thing every day, especially now that I was on my own in a dorm, that I wanted to at least try some new things, especially if I had a dining hall I could just grab things from. I still didn't explore THAT much, if I'm being honest with myself, but from that point on, at least I started to eat bread and burgers and sandwiches and wasn't totally adverse to the idea anymore.

My food exploration kinda slowed down in my later years in college, mainly because I didn't have the dining hall plan anymore and was low on cash and, well, when you have so little money, you're going to stick with safe food choices because if you spend $10 on a new dish and you hate it, well, guess you're out of dinner money now. But thankfully this year, through friends and travel and my own volition, I've started trying more and more things, trying to adapt to a "I'll try whatever" mentality (unless it has nuts in it because wow I hate nuts so much). It took a while, and I'm still learning and dealing with things, but I've come to realize that I don't need to fear food anymore, and now that I have my own place with my own income, I can purchase and try whatever I want to and don't have to worry about any outside pressure one way or the other. It's been a struggle. But it's getting better.

I hope that clears things up! I'm sure there's probably still questions and maybe this doesn't make sense at all but I hope fills in some gaps, at the very least.

#CW: abuse #i think idk #also #food post

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holedaemon · 2 months ago

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Ass Respect 2

Saturday, myself and Ari (@freakpatrol) finished up Mass Effect 2, after less than a week of playing. We played for idk, a little bit.

My friend Dylan put it well: Mass Effect 1 is one of those games you'd see in a "learn to make video games at DeVry University" commercial. It's clunky, inaccessible, and a slog.

Mass Effect 2 is smooth, accessible, and fun. Genuinely one of my favorite games ever.

THE GOOD PART 1: GAME MECHANICS

So far, Mass Effect is iterative. Each game takes the last and builds upon it. I don't know the history of development, but it's clear that Bioware saw the issues in the first game and went "hey, let's make this better." For instance,

The game is more accessible. Menus are easier to navigate and much more comprehensive. Shit makes sense. Things are actually explained to you, you aren't just left to guess how things work, or where you're supposed to go.

Following the theme of iteration, stuff that was lacking in 1, has been improved upon:

In the first game, there was only one minigame that was used for everything. It was basically just frogger; get your little arrow to the center of a circle, avoiding the obstacles that send you back to the start. It got to be annoying after the 1,400th time you did it. In 2, there are two distinct minigames mostly used for hacking/accessing technology and areas. The first is a match-the-symbols game, pretty self explanatory, the second is a code-matching game, where you match blocks of text with what's shown in the legend. They're not perfect but they're SOOOOO much better than what we had before.

Next: the star map. The galaxy is a big, expansive place. Before, you kinda just clicked on a system, went there, scanned a couple of planets for collection quests/resource gathering, then went to whatever planet your mission was at. Now, you actually have to travel to different systems manually. You pilot your ship between systems, using up fuel to do so. I wasn't super keen about it at first, but it grew on me. The overview of the galaxy also shows you your active quests, which is super nice.

In the same vein, the resource gathering is much more in depth. Before you could click on planets and sometimes would have the option to scan them for stuff. It was very shallow. In the sequel, you can scan pretty much every planet; it's a minigame in itself. Right-click and drag along the globe to find pockets of resources, then click to send a probe down to collect them. You can find element zero, palladium, iridium, and platinum. Each can be used for different kinds of research, which is used to upgrade you, your gear, your squadmates, their gear, and the Normandy. It's much more fleshed out and actually pretty fun. To Ari's dismay, I would sit and suck those planets dry looking for shit.

Also extremely important to mention: the side missions. They're SO much better now. Rather than going to some prefab & shooting enemies, each one is actually fleshed out and substantial. THEY ALSO GOT RID OF THE MAKO!!!! NO MORE OF THAT STUPID ASS CAR!!!! NO MORE TRYING TO SHIMMY YOUR WAY UP A MOUNTAIN FOR 20 MINUTES!!! IT'S GREAT!!!!

One minor thing I appreciate is that you don't loot inventories for items anymore. You mostly just pick up credits, resources, and ammo, which is much preferable. The inventories full of crap back in 1 were jarring and really took you out of the game.

That reminds me: ammo. Before, you had infinite ammo, your gun would just heat up with each shot, and if you filled the meter, it would have to cool down. Well, they ditched that in favor of ammo pickups. Enemies drop ammo, or the pickups will just be placed around the map. Apparently this was a controversial change, but I like it a lot more than before, it introduces a new challenge.

Along with ammo are your powers. They really made biotics a viable thing here. They're fun, they're powerful, they can really kick some ass if you use them correctly. I didn't make much use of them, but I appreciate the work that was put into improving them.

Just a few more things. I promise I'm almost done.

Overall, the game felt a lot more difficult. I felt substantially weaker; shit would tear through my shields like they were nothing. Bioware also did away with medi-gel, kinda. You still have it, but it's exclusively for your teammates if they go down. To regain health, you have to take cover. This made it a lot more challenging, I couldn't just spam heal in the middle of a battle, I actually had to strategize and hold positions. I like it.

The last major improvement they made was to the squad AI. It was actually worth a damn now. Squadmates would actually get kills and it was glorious. It didn't leave me feeling like I was totally on my own like before.

Also they got rid of omni-gel, but I don't think anyone cared.

THE GOOD PART 2: THE WORLD

Ohhhhh my god the world. It really hit me just how much better the atmosphere and level design was when we got to Omega. It's in the terminus systems, which are systems that are ungoverned by the citadel and the council. Omega is basically the citadel for crime lords; it's a dirty, slummy neighborhood on an asteroid. If you know me, you know I'm a sucker for settings like that (read: see Dorohedoro), so I LOVED Omega. Anyways: the world. It's so much more alive!!! When you touch down on a new location, everything really hits you all at once. There's people to talk to, places to go, things to see, it was great. The ambience was so much more potent; there's always some conversation going on in the background. The levels themselves were much less linear feeling, you could really explore & go anywhere. It wasn't like the citadel in the first game, which was so annoying to traverse.

The most important part of any world is its characters and Mass Effect 2 did not disappoint. In terms of races, it was mostly the same with a few newcomers: like the Vorcha. They're cool gremlin-looking dudes that slum around Omega & work in merc groups. There's a lot of prejudice towards them unfortunately. They're regarded as dumb vermin by pretty much every other race. People hate them more than they hate Batarians. It sucks cause they're actually pretty cool!

Speaking of Batarians, we got to see them a lot more, too. Unfortunately not in better conditions than the previous game; still mostly depicted as mercs, terrorists, and slavers.

There was also the Drell: anthropomorphic lizard guys. We only saw.... 2? Your squadmate, Thane, and his son. They're apparently near extinction. :( Their home world was destroyed, somehow, and they were taken in by the Hanar. Their relationship with the Hanar was symbiotic, the Drell lived on their planet and in return, as put by Ari, they do anything for the Hanar that "required having bones."

Another cool race we saw ONLY ONE OF, were the Yahg. The only one we saw happened to be the Shadow Broker. He was cool & tough, not much to say about him, but I liked him a lot.

I also wanna briefly touch on the enemies in the game.

The big bads were the Collectors. A race of bug-like aliens that were very elusive. In reality, they're actually Protheans that've been cultivated and genetically modified by the Reapers. Much like the Keepers on the citadel. Cool dudes.

Besides the Collectors, you were blasting mercs, which I loved. There's three distinct groups: the Blood Pack, the Eclipse, and the Blue Suns. Each group comprised of different species, with their own gimmicks.

The Collectors also had some new creatures in their ranks. Among the Husk, there were Scions. Scions are cool, grotesque Husk-like abominations. I like them a lot, but don't get me wrong: they SUCK. I died SO MUCH TO THEM. They have this long-range shockwave attack that's nigh impossible to dodge. Absolute bastards.

As for your teammates, a lot of newcomers, but some friendly faces too. Most notably Garrus. I love Garrus, he's my boy. We fucked. Tali also came back, I'll talk about her more in a bit.

Anyway, among the ranks were:

Miranda - total cunt. The Ashley of Mass Effect 2. Absolutely miserable to be around. I didn't speak to her unless I had to.

Jacob - Polite soldier type. He was cool but I didn't really care about him.

Mordin - MY PROBLEMATIC FAVE. He's a crazy, fast-talking, oldhead Salarian. We found him on Omega working on a cure for a plague that was going around. First and foremost, he's a genius scientist, but he also has combat training & can hold his own. At one point he sang a Salarian sea shanty, and then another time he was like "hey Shepard I saw that you moved your eyes in a funny way, btw I don't wanna fuck." Totally awesome dude. The thing that makes him problematic is he, well, modified the Genophage to be more effective. He quite literally sterilized the Krogan further and committed genocide. As the story progresses, he shows some remorse for his actions. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Mordin.

Thane - the aforementioned Drell that you encounter. He's a master assassin- really cool dude. Very calm & collected; prays to different deities before every kill, I dig it. He's also dying, that sucks. Love my boy Thane.

Samara - an Asari Justicar, which are highly esteemed warriors in their culture. Almost like ninja monks. They pretty much have immunity from any legal repercussions. They live by the code, an ancient set of scriptures that basically tell them to kill anyone that sucks or tries to hurt them. Samara is, as Ari put it, "the most autistic woman in the galaxy." She's awesome, has a really tragic backstory. We killed her daughter.

Jack - Oh Jack. She's a high level biotic that was experimented on as a child by the terrorist group Cerberus. Tortured for most of her early life in a facility you go back to and blow up with her. She's a volatile bottle rocket of anger & angst, ready to explode at a moment's notice, and also the hottest woman in the galaxy. You can't romance her as fem Shepard, which is a fucking TRAVESTY. I love Jack so much.

Zaeed & Kasumi - not even worth talking about.

GRUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is your Krogan squadmate for the game. Bred in a tank by the late Dr. Okeer. He's grumpy and ready to kill anything that moves. He was born literally yesterday & I would die for him. For his loyalty mission you take him to TUCHANKA!!!! THE KROGAN HOME WORLD!!! It's a fucking disaster of a planet, it looks like every level from a late aughts military shooter. But guess who you can fucking see there??? WREX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you chose to save him on Virmire, he has since returned home & become the leader of his own clan: the Urdnot. The Urdnot are the dominant clan on Tuchanka and are trying to reunify the planet and its clans. My boy Wrex is delighted to see you. He's really thrived on Tuchanka, becoming a very stoic leader, but very visibly happy.

A lot of the Krogan you encounter on Tuchanka are mean to Grunt because he was tank-born. But not Wrex, the old merc sees right past this & welcomes Grunt to try his might in the rite: the ritual that Krogan perform as they enter adulthood. The rite is basically just a tower defense game, culminating in fighting a Thresher Maw. If you succeed, Grunt is welcomed into clan Urdnot. Grunt still chooses to tag along with you in your mission, as you are his Battlemaster. He really comes to respect you over the course of the game, I love to see it.

Tali'Zorah - It's Tali, baby. She's back. She's finished her Pilgrimage & is working for the Quarian fleet. I specifically wanted to mention her because her loyalty mission is actually really cool. After her recruitment, Tali is called back to the Quarian fleet, having been accused of treason. You see, after her mission on one of the former Quarian colony worlds (where you save and recruit her), she sends deactivated Geth parts back to the fleet for her father to do research on. Due to the research being done, this backfires, the Geth are reactivated, and kill the entire ship, including Tali's father. We learn this during the hearing, and everyone is shocked. As a way to clear her name, Tali & Shepard go to the ship the Geth are on and clear it out. I really like this mission because it adds a lot of depth to the Quarians & their culture. I loved seeing the Flotilla; the architecture of the old, second-hand ships they travel the galaxy with. Meeting more Quarians was a delight too. Easily one of my favorite races in the series; their conflict with the Geth is complicated & tragic, and I'm eager to see how it plays out.

AND FINALLY....

LAST BUT NOT LEAST....

THE MAN OF THE HOUR....

MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE COMPANION...

LEGION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - PERHAPS THE COOLEST COMPANION EVER, BESIDES WREX..... I didn't know of his existence until he was introduced. Ari was very careful not to tell me about him, and I'm thankful for it. I love him so much. Legion is a Geth. A true Geth. One that is not following the Reapers. It turns out, the Geth we've been fighting for the last few years are actually a faction of "heretics" that broke off from the main group. The main group are still peaceful & reclusive. I really, really, really love this twist because it adds so much more depth to the Geth. It gives them reason to be, more than just a fodder enemy for the Reapers. It makes them more complicated. The Geth are vilified across the galaxy & the reason AI have become illegal, but they're really just misunderstood. During Legion's loyalty mission, you are tasked with destroying the heretics. Except you have a choice; you can destroy them, or save them & rewrite the code that's made them submit to the Reapers. It's a morally ambiguous mission- I took the latter route, opting to save them and rewrite them. It feels wrong to do that, but it's better than genocide... Anyway, yeah, Legion: absolute favorite part about Mass Effect 2. Everyone is hesitant to have him aboard the Normandy, but he rocks & I would die for him.

THE BAD

That was a lot, if you've gotten this far, thanks. I have a lot less to say about the game from here on out, as it's a really fun and good experience. But as with anything, there's always some bad.

These aren't even necessarily super bad things, just stuff that irked me. Primarily:

Stability - the game's a lil buggy. There were weird animation errors & at one point I crashed entirely. Ari was also unable to play in windowed mode for some reason, which made watching me stream a pain, since they had to watch on their phone. They're gonna get a second monitor here soon, though. 👁️

UI & Controls - extremely nitpicky, but, a few times, dialogue options and weapons in my wheel would switch around. I don't really know why, but it got me a few times. The bigger thing was the controls on the galaxy map: if you pressed escape, it would kick you out of the map entirely. Very annoying.

The DLC - I'm not really sure what all was DLC, because it was included in the legendary edition of the games. But the DLC characters, Zaeed and Kasumi, were fucking nothing. Just empty husks of characters, lacking all depth & interesting story. I did their missions for completion's sake but they were fucking stupid.

The final boss - SUPER SUPER COOL CONCEPT!!! It's a fucking Reaper shaped like a skeletal human, it was so awesome looking, but the fight itself was underwhelming and lacking. I did it in a single try. Literally I had more trouble getting to it than fighting it. You basically just shot its weak spots until it died.

Weapon mods - they got rid of them!! I thought that was a bummer, I liked the customization they offered in the first game.

All in all...

Mass Effect 2 is a fantastic game. Easily a contender for one of my favorite of all time. The world, the characters, the story, it's all fantastic. It really took the basis the first game left & expanded upon it in such a cool way. We've since started 3, and I'm already thinking "oh this is not nearly as good as 2."

Thanks again to Ari for playing it w/ me. It's nice to actually experience and enjoy games again. Having a partner to go through it with has made it 10 times more enjoyable.

The one last thing I have to say about the game is that I really enjoy how everybody calls you Shepard exclusively. At one point, during a conversation with Liara, I thought to myself, "wait, what's Shepard's first name?" That's when I remembered, I named her Obama. Obama Shepard. Ari laughed at me.

Again, if you read this far, I appreciate it. I'm sure once we've finished 3, I'll have even more to say.

With Love,

Obama Shepard

#mass effect #spoilers #ari #ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #games

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saratinz · 2 years ago

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Maneater (Chapter 7)

pairing ➩ Ex!Bucky Barnes x Promiscuous!Reader (College AU)

series warnings ➩ drinking, asshole!Bucky, enemies to lovers, exes to lovers, love triangle, smut, slut shaming, cursing

chapter warnings ➩ cursing, slut shaming, mentions sex

synopsis ➩ Y/n explains her past.

word count ➩ 700

“It was my freshman year, and I bright-eyed and bushy-tailed my way into becoming the go-to math tutor. I had passion and drive, and I still do, but it was different. I had innocence, hell I even had my virginity.”

“Wait, what?”

“For your own sake, I’m just going to pretend you never asked that.”

“Thank you.”

“I know it’s surprising, but yes, I didn’t lose my v-card until college. I guess this is sorta my slutty origin story. Let’s get back on topic. Bucky Barnes was the new promising player, and I had my eyes set on him, and only him. He was failing calculous, so I got called in. When I say I fell for him, I mean I fell hard. I chose to ignore his arrogance and fuck-boy behaviors. It was all mild flirting and stolen glances between us. But one night, the mutual attraction became more, we had our first kiss. It was sweet, and it gave me hope. When we went on our first date, he won me the ugliest stuffed animal from a claw machine. Even though it looked like a sloth on cocaine, I loved it with all my heart.”

“James started to feel like home to me. Just his essence invited me to vent about whatever was on my mind. I just knew in my heart that I wanted him to be the first guy to have sex with me. So little by little, we started doing more stuff. And eventually we had sex, and I realized that I really liked it. Everything was perfect, or at least that’s what I thought. Little did I know, he wasn’t completely faithful. He never cheated, but his heart wasn’t 100% set on me. He started to eyeball my best friend at the time. Her name’s Natasha and she was equally beautiful, funny, smart, and experienced. From my understanding, they would hang out alone, just to talk and get to know each other. Eventually, he figured out that she was everything he’d ever dreamt of. I thought I was in this fairytale romance, one that people would envy. But one day, he just dumped me. There were signs, but I was too in love to notice. After he broke up with me, I was a wreck. I started drowning myself in booze and guys that didn’t give a shit about my wellbeing.”

“I had to watch as my first boyfriend fell in love with my best friend. I tried to be okay, but I felt like I was suffocating every time I saw them together. I started to get a reputation as the campus slut. Pretty much anyone could have sex with me if they just gave me a bit of attention. You can watch movies and listen to songs about this shit happening, but until you actually live the nightmare, you have no idea how you’ll react.”

“So, what happened to Bucky and Natasha?”

“She cheated on him actually.”

“Kinda seems like he got what he deserved.”

“Y’know what Peter, I am really starting to like you.” He give a bashful smile in response. “When they broke up, I finally felt a sense of relief. My alcohol and dick consumption started declining. After a year of feeling inferior to every pretty girl I saw, I realized that I was worth something. I didn’t need guys for validation, I just wanted them for pleasure. During sophomore year I stopped caring what anyone thought of me. That’s how I ended up, well, me. James reacted the same way I did, using sex to drown the pain, and he has never had a girlfriend since. And Nat, well, the slut-shaming got so bad that she transferred.”

“Anyway, this year I fucked myself over. I fell for a guy. I got scared of him, and wound up having sex with Bucky twice. Thinking back I see all these obvious signs that Steve wasn’t what he seemed. Hindsight’s 20/20 I guess. Bucky knew that he was using me, hell, he was the one who suggested it. So I can say with full confidence that Bucky Barnes does not love me, and maybe he never did. But everything with him is over now, thank god. I’m done with that prick.”

Previous chapter / Masterlist / Next chapter

taglist:

@cjand10, @afraidofshrimp

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #steve rogers x reader #steve x reader #college au #enemies to lovers #exes to lovers #love triangle #angst #bucky barnes smut #steve rogers smut

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xsunnysucculentx · 2 years ago

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newbie

part 2 to meeting task 141!

summary: you have a sparring session with ghost, soap and könig

warnings: reader smokes, has tattoos/piercings, mentions of guns, violence content warning: none

pronouns: she/her

a/n: thanks for the support on the last post, im happy you liked it ehe~ well, back at it it again with a new post, enjoy!

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"sparring session!" price announced loudly and you looked up from your breakfast. "you too, newbie"

"yessir" you said and started gathering some stuff from the other guys and put the trays in the cart. "thank you!" soap shouted from across the cantine and put the straw of his apple juice between his lips. you were glad that you were already in your sportswear, because the men left almost immediately after the call from price. you quickly followed them because the sparring sessions weren't in the gym, but in a hall, which you could've never found by yourself.

you were four people, ghost, soap, könig and you. even though könig was part of KorTac he still trained with the 141 sometimes, soap explained to you earlier. ghost opened the door to the hall and you were apparently the first group to enter a session. you just kinda hoped that the guys would go easy on you. and you hoped that you wouldn't be partnered up with könig, he's taller than ghost and you don't want to underestimate any of them. "how do your sparring sessions work?" you asked as the guys started taking off their jackets, vests, whatever they had on, leaving them in tank tops and ghost and könig wearing their masks. "we usually train all at once, but we didn't want to overwhelm you the first time you're here. basically we just 'fight' against each other and thats it, last one standing wins." könig said and crossed his arms. you nodded and put your hair up in a ponytail. "no music?" you looked at the ceiling of the hall, which reminded you of your high school P.E. hall but with softer floors, and spotted a few speakers. "you dont need concentration?" ghost seemed to be raising an eyebrow and you shrugged. "multitasking i guess, lieutenant" you almost never trained without music, gave you main character vibes. "we can try, im open to something new" soap said and pulled out his phone. "any recommendations?" "dunno" you said seriously, forgetting every song you've ever listened to. "just put something on" ghost grew impatient. he hated wasting time if there was clearly something to do. soap handed you his phone and you put your gym playlist on, knowing there were no embarrassing songs in it. "five laps." ghost said and started running, followed by the other two. you hated running with your entire heart and pulled a grimace. you may be strong, but your stamina wasn't the best. as a sniper you didn't need to have it, after all. you noticed falling behind the guys with your short legs and picked up speed. their jog was a full on sprint, but you knew that you had a significant advantage in combat. you finished your lap last and put your arms on your knees, catching your breath. 'i need to stop smoking' you thought and took a deep breath. "you alright?" soap asked, dude didn't even look like he was full on sprinting the last three laps. "yeah yeah im not used to running at full speed for so long" you inhaled and pulled your ponytail tighter. "that was full speed?" he joked and you shot him a death glare. "you two" ghost pointed between könig and you. "partner up, soap and i will be the other team" you looked at könig, who gave you an apologetic look and you nodded before taking your hoodie off, leaving you in an oversized black t-shirt. "i'll be gentle." könig promised and you chuckled. "no need dude, i can handle myself." you just didn't expect ghost and soap to be watching for a moment. "we'll see" könig got into position and you did the same. ok maybe you did underestimate his height. mans was towering over you like almost two entire heads. 'i can handle myself' you repeated in your head. ghost looked at your arms, noticing the patchwork style tattoos. some butterflies, flowers, those famous hands from some portrait. you looked like you escaped a pinterest picture. not that he knew what pinterest was. obviously. "oh god" you yelped as könig launched at you and you put your hands up right in time. you heard escapism playing faintly in the background and you looked at könig. think of it as a game. you had the advantage of being small, you could easily climb on his back. you just needed to know what the best tactic would be. könig launched at you once again, but this time you used his calf as a 'ladder' typa deal and jumped on his back, motioning a knife with your thumb against his throat and jumping off. "i can handle myself" you said and smiled at him. "not bad" he nodded and you bowed a little. "thank you, thank you" ghost looked indifferent, thinking könig just went light on you. "pair up" he said to könig and soap, wanting to test your skills himself. 'yeah no fuck that' you thought. königs statue was slimmer than ghosts, and you didn't really feel like taking ghost on. grave started playing and you put your fists up, signing that you were ready. no, ghost looked intimidating, for sure. but you looked death right into the eyes, one little ghost isn't gonna hurt you. "it's about to get interesting" soap said to könig and you asked if he could turn the music up a bit. you launched first this time and ghost duck under your fist, ready to strike back. you jumped back, no time planning your next step because ghost was already on his way to throw you onto the floor. you wanted to step aside gracefully, but tripped over his feet and almost face planted the floor. he held your arm, holding you back from the floor and you looked back. "you'd be dead" "no! that wasn't fair! your shoe laces are too long, i tripped!" you gasped and ghost let you go. "könig said last one standing wins and im clearly standing." soap shook his head with a chuckle and könig leaned against the wall. you felt like it was just some kind of setup to see how good you really were. "all right then." ghost shrugged and grabbed your arm, kicking your leg from under you. you reacted quickly, standing on your other leg for support, freeing yourself from his grip. you tried to use the same tactic on him as you did on könig, but ghost reacted way quicker than you anticipated. you stepped into air instead of his thigh and were a little wobbly for a second. this would go on for ever if you wouldn't come up with a plan. 'if you cant beat them, confuse them. and then beat them.' the words of your mom sounded through your head and a light bulb went off on your head. "i bet you like crushing girls with them thicc daddy thighs" ghost stopped in his motion, giving you the perfect moment to jump and kick his knee in, making him kneel onto the floor. just as you were about to celebrate your victory, you felt a hand swiping both your feet from the ground, making you fall. "what the fuck" you gasped and ghost came into your field or vision. "never heard my thighs being described that way" he said in a monotone voice and held a hand out to you. you grabbed it and got pulled up, nodding admiringly. "i was this close" you put your index finger and thumb as close as possible together without touching them "to winning. they are my witnesses." you pointed to where soap and könig were, but they started their own sparring session. "fuck." "i've won."

könig left a little detail out. it wasnt "last one standing wins". it was more of a "looser plays the wrecking doll for takedown combat techniques”

and obviously, it was you. you stiffly stood next to ghost, looking at the men who you didn't know and who were definitely not in the 141 task force. day four on this base and you'll already loose all dignity those men had for you. if there was any to start with. some of them had a pitiful look in their eyes, some were literally looking at you like they didn't expect any less from a woman. "alright" prices voice was loud and clear, the chatter immediately stopped. "we'll go through three techniques today, i want to see them perfected by the end of the week." "yessir" came back and you mentally prepared yourself for the embarrassment that was about to come. "before you begin, it's important to know how to take down your enemy without any weapons. your body is your weapon, your mind its strongest component." price continued and gave ghost a slight nod. "ghost will demonstrate with newbie. watch closely." oh god, this is the end there was literally nothing to worry about tho, ghost is just gonna throw you against the floor. nothing more, nothing less. "-to catch your enemy off guard" you heard price say before ghost grabbed you firmly, twisted your arm and lowered you to the ground forcefully. his knee was on the small of your back, his right hand holding a pistol immitat and his left both of your wrists. "wasn't ready" you mumbled and tapped the floor. you got up after ghost took his knee away from your back. "you alright?" he whispered and shot you a side glance. "no worries, im tuff" you whispered back and looked at price, who signed to get on to the next technique. this time, ghost faked attacking your right leg, grabbed your left one and pushed you on the floor, putting his knee on your belly. you noticed that he tried not to put too much weight on you and you met his eyes. your felt your cheeks flush up, its been a while since someone pinned you down. the men starred at you after ghost helped you up and got ready for the next strike down. he grabbed your arm, turned around and threw you over his shoulder, trying to throw you on the floor as carefully as possible. you left out a defeated sigh and sat up, legs crossed. "nice work" you commented and looked up at him. "start training!" price said loudly and the men started pairing up and repeating the techniques ghost showed them. "im going out for a smoke" soap announced and your arm shot up. "i'll go too!"

#ghost x reader #ghost call of duty #ghost #ghost mwii #soap #gaz mw2 #price #könig

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sniffanimal · 3 months ago

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it's really weird trying to find space for myself in online autism communities that I've basically just stopped trying

I don't really "fit in" with other adult diagnosed/late diagnosed autistics because while I was 26 when I was "officially on my medical record diagnosed" it's been kind of an open secret my whole life? like I've known I was autistic since I was 8 but it wasn't really anything a doctor said or did anything about. I don't even remember how I found out, if I ever did. I've just like, always known I was "on the spectrum" or whatever growing up. so it's not like "ohhhh autism explains so much!" kinda feeling most late diagnosis circles have when they discuss stuff, like everything about me has always been informed by the fact that I'm autistic.

and so surely you'd think I'd fit in with other early diagnosed adult autistica, except those tend to, online, be grouped into either previously-diagnosed-aspergers-people or caretakers of people who are not afforded an online presence. and the former tends to stray into aspie supremacy a lot ("I'm not like eating crayons or whatever I'm just some guy who likes airplanes a lot ok?") and I shouldn't have to explain why the latter can be equally exhausting

and plus in my day job I'm often in a position where I have to advocate for autistic teens who are just learning self advocacy in the first place, so I'm super picky about what kind of autism circles I run in. while I guess I fall into the caretaker category for work, I'm also autistic myself.

and online, god forbid I talk about the fact that I'm medium support needs. the fact I have a degree and live away from family obfuscates that, but I also don't/cant drive and require lots of small interventions through my day to be functional in public (lots of lists and visual reminders, avoiding triggering things, heavy rehearsing and pre planning things that are upcoming, sensory interventions, PT, etc). I may be hyperlexic (I've been speaking in full sentences since I was like 18 months old and can talk circles around anyone I know), but that verbally =/= functionality. someone who is completely nonverbal could get through their days easier than me!

but no one wants to talk about how autism is a spectrum in the broadest of senses. I like the salad bar metaphor, but I think there's even better ones. maybe autism is like getting dressed.

assume everyone wears clothes. some people wear clothes they're most comfortable in at all times. some people can wear formal wear for a little while but will eventually get uncomfortable and put on comfy clothes. some people wear suits or fancy dresses every day because it brings them joy. some people wear under wires and lacy G strings because it makes them feel good regardless of how it sensory feels, and other people can't even fathom wanting to wear them because of the sensory feeling, and in either case no one will see what you're wearing because it's underwear.

okay maybe this metaphor only makes sense to me, but the idea is that everyone is putting on different articles of clothing every day. Some days the clothes are comfortable (sensory needs met, able to participate in social gatherings fully, using AAC, having access to comfort items and preferred topics), and some days the same clothes could be uncomfortable (too quiet today, same social gathering is overwhelming, iPad is dead, no one wants to talk about Pokemon). Or maybe you're wearing the wire bra (loud rock concert, crowds, people smoking, had to take an Uber pool because your car you usually drive broke down so plans changed), but someone else can't fathom that experience being tenable at all. Maybe they wear a sports bra and cotton undies (staying in predictable settings, practicing ordering at restaurants, stinking to self soothe, wearing earplugs, not embracing spontaneity) but other people might find that unsexy (socially inappropriate). Sometimes we might put on costumes like a ball gown (spend weeks preparing for a trip, going over itinerary and lists and watching videos to prepare and ensuring you will have space and time to decompress and calling ahead to the venue to check and double check and making sure your friend is okay driving the whole way and renting a car that's the same model you're used to driving in and wearing the lotion with the smell from home so that the new car won't smell as different and ) because you know you'll look cool as hell while you're wearing it, but that the sweat pants and cotton undies are waiting for you after. And sometimes while you're in the ball gown you carefully constructed, you realize you know what fuck this and have to strip down to your bloomers! and everyone hates when you do that because they expected you to wear the ball gown all night

I was going somewhere with this post. but anyways. I'm autistic and it's exhausting to be one online so I just look at funny images instead of trying to build community

#badger rants

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transienturl · 5 months ago

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you know on the one hand. I think the projects on @addons that I work on are rather beautiful, that they're full of elegant solutions to interesting problems that I take pride in my contributions to, and I've obviously spent an objectively excessive amount of time on them. which are all things that contribute to them feeling rather substantial to me.

but on the other hand I do occasionally find myself explaining to someone who isn't an xkit user what I spent five hours working on on whatever day it is, and it's always like, well, you know, it does stuff like, uh, it can put an icon next to people's usernames when you follow each other? and, and such. and when I put it that way it sounds like the kind of thing one would code in an afternoon? you know?

(of course it's not actually hard to reconcile these things; I know that we spent the better part of an afternoon figuring out how to make those icons align flawlessly at any zoom and font size in both the post header and blog card modal, and another one making them have tooltips when you mouse over them and ensuring that the tooltips localize into your tumblr UI language. xkit rewritten is kind of like "okay but what if instead of making it like an afternoon hobby project you did it like it was made by the best web developers in the world." turns out that's not that hard when the project owner is in that category and the other dev will spend four hours per PR to kinda look like they are.

also I guess we do pull data out of react internals. that is a pretty significant thing that we do. like I understand where I'm coming from here but we very much do pull data out of react internals. go code that in an afternoon I dare you. disclaimer I can't take any credit for that bit; maybe I'd have figured it out in three years, idk—I don't think it'd have occurred to me to try, is the thing. anyway I did do a fair bit of hooking up to make it faster so that's a thing I guess.)

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strwffy · 6 months ago

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i’m really angry at everything and anything lately. it’s just all political stuff, and self stuff ig

i had a friend, who isn’t my friend anymore since i unfriend her. for political views and such.

first of all, for some contexts:

a couple of years ago, 2019, i think? i came out as pansexual on twitter and also to my close friends only, and my sister. today, idk if i define myself as pansexual anymore, im more like, hey i’m queer.

i’m, today, questioning a lot of things. i wonder if i could be asexual, but also, i’m questioning my gender identity.

that friend i had, i knew her for 5 years. met in college and all. we had the same views politically, and just on everything tbh. i can’t be friends with people who don’t share the same political views, especially if it’s about human rights and all. so yeah, i did came out to her, at the time about me being pansexual. she was very supportive. in her discourse through the years, she even was a trans ally.

but, more than a month ago we met and she basically told me she was transphobic (she didn’t use that term tho) and that she is a gender critical.

i was very shocked by her sayings, and she said that she wanted to tell me because she knew that subject was important to me. i’m not gonna lie, i wanted to cry in front of her at some point, bc hearing her just hurt.

after 2 hours of honest debate, she said that we should keep on with our day bc we aren’t agreeing but that she wanted me to know. i told her that i was shocked and that it was very transphobic.

i came back home, thinking about that conversation for a month. and, i guess i was very naive. i thought that if she change her mind maybe i can debate more and she could actually understand, yk?

so, i made some research to debunk every shitty and fake things my "friend" said, and i linked her everything and blabla, it took me like a week of full reading on the subject and all. i was mentally very tired tbh. i sent my message, and we didn’t even debate since she didn’t want to lol.

to make it "short", she didn’t want to debate bc she won’t change her mind. and that she felt sorry if she hurt me with her words when we met. but that she still want to be friends and that she thinks we could actually stay friends.

it’s funny, because years ago i went to a shop to buy a book about trans identity and gender identity, when i was with her. she didn’t question it, and i didn’t say anything. i just felt like i could buy these stuff without explaining or whatever because it WAS a safe place to me. because i thought she was safe.

so, during my confrontation with her, i told her about me questioning my gender identity, about how i trusted her. about how could i be friend with her when she is against trans people, isn’t an ally, and also how can she be friend with me if one day i do a coming out.

it really hurt to read her saying that, she kinda knew i was questioning my gender identy, because at that moment, reading all her bullshit, i knew she just wouldn’t see me for who i am if i ever came out as non binary or anything actually.

so yeah, i am not sad about unfriending her actually, but i’m just really, really fucking mad since then and i can’t get away of that feeling. and now, while questioning my gender identity, i keep hearing her voice saying shitty things, and it hurts, it’s very hard.

#lgtbqia+#queer #lgbtq #lgbt

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warren-keplers-funk-band · 2 years ago

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can we talk about how much more daddy quaritch is in the new avatar??

both literally and figuratively i guess hAH

now, listen, let me explain myself!! i know he's a raging annoying bastard asshole but like- actually no i cannot explain myself. that's just who i am ig i look at a man who is actively trying to decimate a whole species, is burning down people's homes and killing beautiful wildlife and i'm like babygirl <3 why you do this to me

god i genuinely don't know what happened i had like no strong feelings about quaritch in the first film past him being a vaguely amusing if unorginal villain but dAMn,, idk what kinda direction they gave stephen lang in this one but he was like 500% more attractive what is wrong with me

and like honestly he was the highlight of the movie for me because i was incredibly dissappointed by the writing and plot, but the image of a band of na'vi bodies in full camo and sunglasses and military buzzcuts combined with the ponytail was so fucking ridiculous that i actually enjoyed myself.

also sidenote,, the colonel and his goons being brought back, while enjoyable, is genuinely some of the stupidest shit i have witnessed in mainstream cinema. you expect me to believe that they put an easily replaceable (as proven by the fact that he was already replaced) dumbass military leader and some of his dudes into bodies of an alien species they fucking hate- because, what, the colonel wanted revenge against jake?? that's enough reason to grow him a fucking, as established, super expensive alien clone backup???? sure. yeah. ok. if they have the technology to grow alien clones can they not just grow human clones??? man idk. sure. it was to infiltrate jake's camp. whatever.

anyways yes quaritch was incredibly fucking hot in this film and i blame it 50% on the fact that he's now a CONFLICTED FATHER??? yes absolutely sign me up that's my type

like sure i high key hated how patriarchal this film ended up being with so much importance being placed on fatherhood, as well as them forcing some connection between spider and quaritch when they literally didn't know each other bUT putting all that aside- i live for!! bastard psycho characters!! going soft!! against their will!!

spider asked him not to kill the na'vi woman and he didn't???? uhuh yes. spider was being threatened by neytiri and quaritch actually faltered??? gave up his hostage, his advantage against jake?? absofuckinglutely yes please

like i hate where the sentiment came from, but i love that it's there.

i was half expecting a quaritch redemption arc when spider was teaching them the language and how to fly ikran and all that- after all, jake did say that the problem with pandora was loving her too much. honestly, it could still come, fingers crossed oml i'd fucking perish, quaritch actually realising pandora is beautiful, quaritch redemption??? pls like he is stuck in this body now whether he likes it or not he's not remotely controlling it, would it take that much for him to start getting convinced??

obviously he has to die, he's going to die, he's committed too many crimes against the protagonists to live bUT even more internal conflict??? deathbed apology??? paternal instincts winning over revenge????? dying to save spider??? please please mr cameron i'll pay anything to watch babygirl get fucked over emotionally it's what i live for

HE'S SO HOT

sorry this was a mess i just needed to get it out there i love my annoying bastard i have some sort of a complex probably

little meow meow, fucked ass bitch love him love him with all my heart

#overall yes i hated the film but i have many opinions and i will subject you to them you can't stop me #he's just so #rAGH #idk there's genuinely something wrong with me #was giggling squirming kicking my feet in the cinema #he's so annoying #oml #anyways #rant #pointless essay #miles quaritch #avatar 2 #review???#not really #maybe i'll write something more comprehensive #we shall see #long post #avatar the way of water

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oasisofgalaxies · 1 year ago

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Hi! I saw you were looking for song recs. Can I have some more details about the force quit AU so I can tailor song suggestions better, please?

YES OF COURSE! Fair warning this is a long boy post so be warned SLDFKJ

ok so basically the Force Quit AU is a generation loss au that is a bit self indulgent so bear with me here :D! The self indulgent bit is the addition of another character, Marvin! They are an ex stage hand and set designer for Showfall that was able to escape the company's mind control. They now work from inside the company to help others escape, including Ranboo and his friends. I've taken this little detail for myself and labelled it as Marvin's doing. So basically hes a little helper

ANYWAYS! Force Quit follows canon pretty closely until around the end of The Choice. I have two ways this could go and I havent really decided on which i like better so I'll cover both!

Option 1 is that Marvin sneaks into the control room/heart of the facility as the voting is occurring. Before Hetch makes the call and pulls the metaphorical trigger to box Ranboo, Marvin comes up from behind Hetch and knocks him clean out with a length of pipe. Marvin then gets Ranboo down from where he is stuck and they both run like fucking hell. Both make it out of the facility.

Option 2 involves a little bit of context on some of the ideas I have about Showfall and the Security monsters specifically. So personally I call the Security monsters Taskmanagers! I think its fitting to name it after the computer program.

Additionally, you know Hetch's line where he describes the motionless Showfall employees? He says this: "My best guess is they were once people, and then something moved in and kinda repurposed them to be.. yknow, whatever the company needed."

So I took this and RAN. I came up with a concept that there is a stage before the Taskmanagers we see in Genloss. I haven't come up with a name for them yet. They arent really a "larval form" but more of a base form. Showfall either made a deal with some entity or experimented enough to create these creatures made out of wire and a tar-like substance. They use analog technology as "shells", sort of like hermit crabs. In addition they feed off of electrical signals.

I don't think that they're actively malicious, the company just uses them in an awful way. Anyways the employees will start out as normal people working their jobs. The masks have some filtering and control capabilities but no where as strong as Ranboo's mask since it's not directly connected to the body.

This can change though if the employee discovers something they shouldn't have or if Showfall just wants to do it. An employee can go through a process called "rewiring." There are several degrees to it ranging from a mild degree which involves the process of physically wiring the employee to the mask. This continues until the highest and final degree which is a full rewiring. A full rewiring is when an employee is offered to one of these little wire creatures. The creature, when prompted, will take the employee and inhabit their body. They will feed off of the brain's electrical signals and give Showfall direct control over the host's actions. There is usually no going back from this. This is also inspired by the scene in The Choice where Ranboo stabs an employee and wires come out instead of blood!

For Taskmanagers specifically I think they are originally the result of a botched Full Rewiring process. The host and wire creature did not react well and in turn created the Taskmanagers who are dangerous and actively hostile. Showfall, after accessing damages, realized they could purposefully trigger this botched creation and use them to their advantage, thus creating security.

SO, after that long explaination, onto Option 2! Sorry there's no easier way to explain this, trust me, I've tried.

So Option 2 involves Marvin somehow befriending a "defective" wire creature. Or, alternatively, befriending a defective Taskmanager. I really need to work on a name for the tiny ones gees- Anyways Ranboo is rescued here more by.. uh. Brute force rather than stealth. Here, before Hetch can pull the trigger, Marvin and the wire creature bust through a door or wall koolaid-man style and rescue Ranboo. Admittedly this option makes less sense but I'm still including it because I had the visual of the box beginning to close on Ranboo but two GIANT wire-y hands catch the two sides and WRENCHING it back open. I dont know thats just so cool to me I love big monsters!

Regardless of how the rescue goes, Ranboo escapes and is outside the facility. Marvin in hesitant to join him because of their ongoing mission to save as many people as possible. And Ranboo upon hearing this explains that Sneeg and Charlie are still trapped in there. Marvin is hesitant to believe either of them are alive but Ranboo begs them to at least check. Marvin agrees and returns inside the facility, leaving Ranboo with an address for a place he can spend the night in as well as a small two-way communicator.

Marvin enters back into the facility and discovers that both Charlie and Sneeg are alive. Charlie, however, being wounded by a Taskmanager, has some electronic bits placed into his abdomen. I am working on a design for him at the moment but here's what I'm using for inspiration:

A green liquid-cooled PC. Please have fun drawing your own conclusions while I work on his design LSKDJF

Sneeg, while attacked by security, was not wounded enough to require any replacement parts. He just has a couple of large scars on his torso. The real damage was done during The Warehouse where he was "reset." When Sneeg was reset, he gained awareness of everything Showfall was doing. He could see the cameras and he knew none of this was real. But this comes at a detriment because while he now has an immense amount of "behind the scenes" knowledge about Showfall, Showfall has the ability to completely control him. I'm unsure if this denotes a full rewire or if Showfall is using some experimental remote technology.

Anyways when he was revived after being attacked by the Taskmanager in The Choice, the revival process messed with what the reset did to his mind. The connection between him and Showfall is a little glitchy now. He still has insider information but sometimes he can accidentally trigger a meltdown where he believes he is once again on stage in Showfall. This either manifests itself as that panicked state we saw him in during The Warehouse where he was given the wrong hat OR how apathetic he was immediately after being reset. His perception of reality is distorted as well. Sometimes he can almost predict something before it happens, almost like a sixth sense.

Ok so where was I?? Sorry I took a hard left into infodumping territory. I mean I already am infodumping but i did EVEN MORE! LSKJDFLSKDF

Anyways the AU from here, in short, is saving each member of the cast! Charlie and Sneeg stick with Ranboo and form their little trio. I'm not sure where Niki, Austin, Vinny, and Ethan fall in the AU yet but I do want them to be rescued as well. I just don't know if they will be in the main group after or not!

Ok hopefully that was coherent and not a boring read! But yeah thats the Force Quit AU I love this thing to death already its been occupying all of my waking thoughts! Yay :D!

#sorry for how long it is but alas . it is how it is SLKJFDLSKFJ #nebula rambles #nebulas notes #genloss #generation loss #look at my au boy

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numetaljackdog · 8 months ago

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what i'm listening to 3/2024

spot.//yt

Limp Bizkit - Pollution: got this played on my local radio station bc i got connections

DC Talk - Jesus Freak: i have become OBSESSED with this christian rap rock (kind of) band. couldn't explain it very well myself but i think they're really fun and super silly. i've been listening to this particular song for quite some time now but it's only recently that my full obsession has developed and i've been getting other people roped into it too..... i'm just spreading the good word 😁

Whitechapel - The Saw Is the Law: had this one stuck in my head something FIERCE these past few weeks. just that crusher chorus line is so fucking good, I never was a huge whitechapel fan but they go hard when the mood is right. played it at work and everything

The Smiths - Bigmouth Strikes Again: cumming all over myself i love the riff and the melodies and there are some real good lines despite very few lyrics overall... admittedly that squeaky chipmunk harmony is pretty goofy but when the rest of it is so good who even care.

Faith No More - Midlife Crisis: i like this one more and more every time i hear it. a friend of mine introduced me to this and it's been stuck in my head relentlessly ever since. also definitely goofy as fuck but i love the kinda hardcore-type vocals mike patton throws into the verses, especially in the live version and the big swelling bridge. a song like this makes me get why people talk about faith no more as "proto-nu metal" or whatever..... fred durst would do some shit like this <3 also got this played on the radio station

Butthole Surfers - Cough Syrup: i don't like this band as much as i wish i did, though i've certainly got plenty more listening to do. def some stupid lyrics here bc it's the butthole surfers but i actually really really like "i can't talk so i guess i got nothing to say." something about that one

Third Eye Blind - Jumper: it's back! i think i've expended all the words i have about this already but man what a good little pop song

Breaking Benjamin - Skin: great example of how enjoying breaking benjamin is more about hearing the loud guitars and the unique syllabic experience of ben's weird as hell enunciation than it is about anything original or lyrical. what the hell is this song about i don't know. but it bangeth mightily. this also stands to represent that i and mine have been listening to a fuckton of bb lately

Elliott Smith - Cupids Trick: a dear friend of mine has put me on that elliott smith shit fairly recently and i think this is my fav from either/or... the riff so good and it's catchy and has a really dark punchy sound compared to the rest of the record (which is also real good! but just different)

Gorillaz - Cracker Island: heard this on the radio a ways back and instantly came all over myself and said "omg who is this is this the new sound of the summer????" and then looked it up and saw that it was a band i already know that's been around for decades ^_^ but it's just a banger and they found one good hook and punched it up to 11!!

Kittie - Eyes Wide Open: KITTIE BACK???? and with a rager O_O <me when my eyes are wide open. lol. not much further commentary here i'm just excited for the new record and i hope it's good and not bad

Enon - Window Display: my experience continues of getting into this band at the pace of a tortoise or perhaps a snail. p sure this is like the biggest song from them and. it good! they just have a tastey sound and i like the vocalist's delivery

Lamb Of God - Redneck: been on some metalcore shit too and like groove metal and shit and it hardly gets better than lamb of god. i feel like i haven't often properly appreciated them but what a consistently banger band. and this one just has some cool catchy parts that have been in my head since like high school. JUST! ONE! TIME!!!!!

Insane Clown Posse - Halls Of Illusions: my friends and i have been indulging in what we're calling "fucked up friday" which sometimes includes icp as a soundtrack. still want to listen to the full album with people at some point. but anyway i never took too too much notice of this track until a friend put it on and i realized how good it is. and frankly kind of saw-coded w it

Drowning Pool - Tear Away: kind of not great but the chorus glued itself to me. sort of the death toll of nu metal giving in to the way of the post-grunge ballad but man this vocalist was damn solid!

Victoria Monét - On My Mama: proof that i haven't completely exited the pop listening sphere. i still got todd. go watch the top ten of 2023 for a review

Rai Panesar - I Don't Give a Shet (IDGAS): okay this is a stupid joke song. i think. but i like to imagine it's sincere. like i like to imagine the dude that made this thought it was actually pretty cool and had fun making it. i'm scared to find anything else out about him bc it might ruin this hope that i have

Theory of a Deadman - Rx (Medicate): SUCKS. but kind of fascinating. how the fuck did theory have a hit in like 2017 or whenever this came out. by making a hip hop country rock song about doing drugs. oh okay

The Revivalists - Wish I Knew You: adding this alongside cigarette daydream in the canon of "indie band has relentlessly catchy pop hit that i listen to a bunch and attach memories to but actually think kind of sucks ass." i heard this in a restaurant a while back and went omg it's crazy by gnarls barkley i love crazy by gnarls barkley despite not really having very strong feelings about crazy by gnarls barkley but well these are the things we think to ourselves. so i kept waiting for the part where he goes does that make me craaaaazayyyyyy.... but it never came!!!! every chorus would just end on nothing and then move on to the next verse. i got edged by this song until almost the very end where i finally figured out what song it actually was and then got that stuck in my head but i'm still bitter! motherfucker! and also i don't like their band name. what exactly are you reviving 🤨

#*char noises*#talking pop #finally got this damn thing out

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one-coming-is-enough · 1 year ago

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Brother, you are going to be the best King this Universe has ever seen. It's quite evident in almost everything you do, actually.

Are you aware of that? I do hope you're aware of that.

Thank You! I'm going to try My best.

If I succeed, well... I think that's the point of Me? i can't really take credit for My own self just doing stuff I was supposed to do in the first place.

And if I don't... :/ I hope I don't disappoint everyone. They all have a lot of faith in Me.

Even You.

Um. It's. Yeah. It's really, really nice to know that even the former Severity of Judgement is, um. Has. Faith? In. Me???

Because. Nobody is certain. Really certain. How it's all. Gonna.

Well. If I'm ruling Hell. Um. And I'm also ruling 1/3 of Heaven like I am now...

That's 2/3 of Heaven I am not ruling. Mother kept those parts for Herself.

So, Christian Heaven (this is a VERY broad definition of Christian here, folks, we take a lot of "I guess I believe in something" people because their understanding of "something" is still "Heaven/Hell/monogamy/forgiveness/Santa Claus Is Important Somehow." I can't sue him for breach of contract because technically he fulfills his part of the bargain that way -- and I'll tell that story, it just pisses Me off so much it'll take a minute) is not warring with Hell for, like... The first time ever.

Yeah. It'll take a while to sort it out, but as of now they're both under My leadership, so a fight would be a huge conflict of interest for everyone involved.

Jewish Heaven is... They're not fighting anyone. It's like a luxury cruise liner. There's an endless buffet, there are gaming rooms where you can play whatever games you want with your friends and family, there's even talent shows and beauty pageants (we had to keep it to participation trophies for the kinder, because the kids don't care if they win first place as long as they all get the same amount of candy for participating, but grandparents would turn it into fucking Valhalla for their bubbeleh if you let them).

The angelic presence there is minimal. They're basically Janets, if you know from The Good Place. Occasionally one of the big names will drop by for a meet 'n' greet day and to crown a winner for something, but I think it's just when they need a break anyway.

The Muslims who get into Heaven are all pretty chill people, fortunately. The murderous zealots do get into Hell, like every other faith beneath our tent, but it's kinda pleasing how fast a lot of them catch on once they realize they're not getting what they thought they would. I guess when your afterlife is that concretely described, you have a pretty solid metric of whether you did the right thing or not.

Don't get Me wrong, the angels who serve their Heaven are willing to throw down. Some of their humans might, reluctantly. But the majority of them up there are going to remember that the jihad of a well-reasoned and well-stated argument is always the first resort, before defensive violence. They will try to explain to the demons why they should stop fighting. And their angels will be backing them up going, "You better agree with my homie or my sword is in your brain before you can finish saying the 'O' in 'No'."

But. My slice of Heaven is full of some of the worst shitheads in the world who repented right before they died, but... Didn't fully understand why they were repenting. Their brains just went, "If I make myself feel 'bad' about my 'serial ritual murders' and tell Jesus that I feel that way, I can get into a Better Place."

I agreed to let a lot of real shitbags into My slice of Heaven, is what I'm saying.

And a lot of them do not understand why killing and horrible violence is wrong to do to people, and have only recently managed to come around to "They might have been nice to you one day if you hadn't killed them."

It's a work in progress, and I try to keep them away from the people I'm providing permanent positions as "consultants and entertainment" to (so they don't get pushed into the veal lots once they're done perfecting themselves) so they don't, like... Decide to torture George Frideric Handel for fun. They just practice on each other.

But yeah there's a whole fuckin holding area of deeply pious sociopaths who love Me more than anything else Up There.

*sigh*

Look what happened with the zombies, man. I'm really worried this is gonna blow up in My face spectacularly and something terrible will happen again because I was a naïve idiot.

That happens to Me a lot.

I mean, look what happened with...

*gestures at all of Christianity from Paul's conversion on the road to Damascus to the present moment, in which hardcore Christians pray that Donald Trump will nuke Iran to bring Me back once I get him back in office, which I'm actively trying to make not happen as hard as I can*

Yeahhhhh.

Good intentions, but I'm. I'm wearing a cheerful hand-knitted sweater to My reception as Ruler of Hell, at which I will gently suggest that it might be fun to build safe dwellings for tiny, vulnerable little birds that are known to eat harmful things.

I'll be relieved if I'm not immediately murdered in fifteen hundred ways simultaneously, because I can take it but it's still painful.

Most likely scenario is I am laughed at until everyone pees their pants, and then they leave, and Muriel is there to offer some kind of cheerful encouragement and Saraqael says something wry about how I was a dumbass.

I'm emotionally prepared for either of these two scenarios.

I just have no other good ideas for introducing Myself.

#good omens rp

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