#oh man im sad lol
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#oh man im sad lol#i just cleaned out my following#unfollowed about 200 people who've been inactive for years#i found so many old friends i havent spoken to in forever#people whose names i cant even remember#people who dont have links to other socials#i hope everyone is doing well :( i miss you
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I don't know what this is all I know is that LimL Joel makes me really emotional
#I know he has a tendency to go deranged on his red lives but idk something about him beginning to lose it after Jimmy died and killing Grian#joel smallishbeans#smallishbeans fanart#trafficblr#Again its his red life shenanigans but... If only Jimmy had known how affected someone was by his death. I'm choosing to believe this#and him then going out like a sad pathetic wet cat even with Grian's sacrifice... He really deserves a win one of these days lmao please#Also I cant stop thinking about how Jimmy wouldn't have left him. Grian was sensible to and most players probs would have#Joel really does become a lost cause so its fair and Grian did still care (and went to say goodbye as well as sacrifice his time for him)#But Jimmy would have stuck by even if Joel were in this state (and they'd both get themselves killed pathetically but)#And Joel having shown such genuine care for Jimmy and concern over his limited time... man anything w Jimmy makes me so emotional lol#I love them so#oh Ig about the art itself. I dont like it but hey thats how it tends to go when you try smth new. And no shame in trying#but if one person likes this then yayy I will still feel accomplished and happy#Im looking at this again and hey its not that bad actually yay I love to approve of my own art. self love hell yea#tubby art
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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I LOVE HIM SOOO MUCH
#i cant believe ive been converted within two days#literally watched a couple videos of him and was bit with the white man bug#gale dekarios#bg3#doodles#oh you hate gale bc he’s too easy to romance? have you considered that he has big sad brown puppy eyes and a big hairy chest??#upper right corner is my tav btw#these two are SOO BASIC LOL IM SO EMBARRASSED#they are just two plain white men#but#i love them so muchhh uhgghgg melts into a puddle like a witch
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#steven universe meme#dungeon meshi#adventure time#fionna and cake#dungeon meshi laios#simon petrikov#aashi doodles#and heres my 2 cents#the things i get up to in the middle of the night damn#I MISSED DRAWING SIMON WOW#it took drawing him again to be like oh my dear sad old man how i missed you#also lowkey been wanting to do some dungeon meshi doodles but theres already so much good stuff out there so im just enjoying the meal lol
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personal growth is crazy because it seems like nothing has changed until you're crying because you don't want to die. you learn something about yourself that ten years ago would have actually killed you, and now you're thinking about what you can do to heal and make peace with it. nothing may have changed to you, but to the person you were however long ago, you are the "it gets better"
#guy who's very proud of how well he's handling things rn lol#anyways personal time:#but idk man i kinda remembered smthn from my past n#like. if it wasn't for how much effort i've put into my mental health n coping skills#n my support network now#idk id be in a much worse place.#so i'm gonna forgive myself for not really sleeping last night#n having a hard time with my bpd feelings n emotions#because fuck man! i'm doin really good actually!#growth doesn't have to be oh man i'm never ever sad anymore#it's just. idk i don't cry because i Wanna die anymore#sometimes i have an intrusive thought of suicide#and it makes me cry because i DONT wanna die. and i know those thoughts are not good or needed#but i'm not gonna beat myself up for having them. i'm just gonna be patient n gentle w myself#n give myself time#n everything will be okay(:#bc it is okay! it's in the past and i'm safe now. and i wanna make other people feel safe too#growth starts w baby steps. n that's why it's so hard to recognize in yourself a lot of the time#it goes slooooooowly. for me at least lol.#mine#despite everything i am happy because i know my life now is one i love (: and one im actively trying to better for myself
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this is your sign to PLAY MR RAINER'S SOLVE-IT SERVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#PLEASE its genuinely SO GOOD. i love it so much#though hello charlotte changed my dna mrsis is my favorite etherane game#idk man i just connected w it way more like. it made sense to me#which is funny cuz i still dont understand ANYTHING that happened in that game. I HAVE NO IDEA I DONT KNOWWWWWWWWWWW#which is ALSO funny cuz thats ALSO why i resonated w it so much.#“oh he doesnt know anything hes just like me for real” -> doesnt know anything that happened in the game#i dont think this will make sense for you unless u played it lol#it left me feeling empty after i finished it just like signalis#like i felt like i was looking at something. an event? something happening? but i had no context nor anything to know why or what was reall#happening#though it still made me feel things. does it make sense??#they made me feel empty BECAUSE i didnt knew/understood what was happening . but it was horrible and heartbreaking and i was sad and it was#worse because i didnt know why i was sad. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE???????????????? IM GOING INSANE#i was going to write more but i lost the plot this doenst make any sense#im sad af man for reasons unrelated to this#anyways
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i like to believe that aegon iv and daeron actually look very alike but no one notices bc of the weight difference but daeron remembers when his dad’s face was skinnier & they were twinning and every time aegon is like “i bet your bitch mom was cheating on me” daeron is like “you’re not even angering anymore as a parent you’re just annoying to me now”
#dream dynamic is that convo from that 70s show where eric goes ‘i made you bald YOU MADE ME SKINNY’#aegons like ‘i’m fat now bc you stress me out’ and daeron is like ‘WELL IM A NERD BC U STRESS ME OUT SO WHAT NOW OLD MAN’#this post brought to u by the fact that i never really thought my grandma looked a lot like my uncle but (slight sad curveball here) they#both had cancer before they died & lost a lot of weight in their faces. and suddenly it was like oh.#oh you actually do have a lot of the same features lol#he just like has his dad’s build & coloring while my grandma was v short & pale
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Febhyurary Day 3: Dream or in this case, perhaps Lucid Dreaming
If this is a dream, then it is a good dream.
Most of Rian's dearest friends in the same room, talking and laughing together. His heart's desire. It never had a chance to happen while they all still lived.
#yes this was lowkey an excuse to make my own scion outfit for ysayle LOL#i tried to mimic the way cutscenes are shot in-game and i?? think i did okay??#this is missing a shot or two that i forgot to take and im MAD but oh well too late#rian's love for his friends and their love for him makes me sad#alas. three of the ppl in this scene are dead and rian's friendship with lyse is ruined beyond repair#poor bastard. someone get this man some antidepressants STAT#rian ashbrooke#febhyurary 2024#gpose#ffxiv#the au ra woman is his childhood friend from radz-at-han btw#mariko iteya
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my dads never beating the masumi arakawa kin allegations why the fuck did he say to me 'i was like both your mother and father when you were growing up' ???????????
#snap chats#this coupled with my dad just offhandedly being like 'i used to want to be a girl growing up' .... bonkers#he's not wrong tho like before my mom drove him off like an evil witch he really did everything for us#i regularly say i dont have a mom so i mean. my dads free to take the title too ig LOL#hes goofy as hell tho he also has a chronic condition of loving my mom so much. excpet my mom sucks a lot unlike akane#i dont even know why he does .. we regularly talk bout how cringe she is/was but he'll always be lke She Wasn't Always Like That#WELL SHE IS NOW OLD MAN you already blocked her number JLAKRWJFLAKJ#he makes me sad whenever we talk bout her cause he just has so much love for people when he shouldnt 💀#oh but yeah. in case it wasnt obvious i hung out with my dad today :]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] best day EVER I GOT JOLLIBEES#AND MY DAD GOT ME A CUTE LIL GIRAFFE BRACELET VLAEKJVLEKJVLEKJ i cant escape kirins#he keeps giving me bracelets i sound lke a maraca when i shake peoples hands now#ok bye maybe ill doodle something#jk im making tea. again. i had tea.
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dreamily sighs and screams
#getting emotional about ben because im never normal about ANYTHING in my life ......#just hdgjdfg UHFDGF WAH#hes so special to me....... probably why the colour green means so much to me... why its always been a fav colour of mine for who knows how#long#i like red too... obviously.#but like#he is so special to me. like i said. hes so special to me and i get ridiculously happy#i forgot how happy he makes me....#genuinely forgot how comforting this fandom is..... its so comforting#whys gushing on here so scary. i dont know. it makes no sense.#ughhhhhh#i mean ive been thinking about fanon a lot i love fanon so much it is so special to me#found family trope fr#but like sometimes i think how people treat fanon him and it makes me so sad :(#or maybe im remembering it incorrectly#but theyre always so mean to him .... or make him this comic relief character in fics#like yeah!!! he is REALLY SILLY!!!!!#but we forget hes a trickster!!!! he likes playing devious means to others!!!!!#hes so smart to me i dont know!!!!! he goes through your electronics!!!! he can mess with your files!!!!#honestly he can probably do more than that im just jittery with nerves lol#but oh ok guys. lets just make the coolest guy ever just be the comic relief gamer instead ok man. whatever.#i like the fact fanon depicts him as a gamer thats fun i love that so much :)#BUT STILL HDUGJFGFHFG#HES SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT IM GOING TO THROW MYSELF INTO ORBIT#hes so special to me. hes the worst guy ever when he wants to be. he probably has attachment issues. hes just a silly little guy.#hes everything to me#<- i wish i can remember more and more about him but i cant#all i know is i remembered cleverbot and how you could “interact” with him through it and it made me so ridiculously happy ;-;#of course i know now it was people just playing around and hoping to get something out of it BUT ITS NICE TO THINK ABOUT#sorry hes the most fascinating character to me in the entire world
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I know I'm valid in my feelings but afdbdbdmdbm still trying to tell myself it's nothing (bc what can you do but move on) when I share smth n it gets no reaction from ppl I wanted to hear from TT
#makes me overthink so i have to tell myself its nothing#like. my writing was sfw. it was soft even... Mostly. not the rui fic. the dove was alive and healthy.#so its like. Oh. maybe its my fault for sharing the link to my blog? where i have a big warning on the front ^^; and they dni bc that#maybe they saw the fic links n then clicked the blog itself n saw my pinned?#honestly probably not which is why i have to tell myself im overthinking and its probably nothing#its ok to be sad no one responded to fics u were proud of and thought they would like but dont overthink it#i sent it late and it was immediately buried under art that someone sent right after me#and fic is more time consuming/less easy to react to than art and thats probably thw only reason why#ughhh idk man. im just a little disappointed bc i hyped myself up enough to be brave and that it would be ok to share my fic blog#:') it's ok the tags on my fics make me happy already#thoughts.ddz#ignore me lol
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@dancehallcrasher tagged me for 9 movies I first watched this year! I actually watched more movies than usual and loved all of these ones specifically I hope I get to watch more <3
#crimson tomes#literally all of these movies own if you havent seen any of them id reccomend them dor sure#im sure. most people have seen fight club LOL but i hadnt very good indeed#ofc a lynch trifecta if you havent seen much of his stuff try blue velvet first im obsessed with it#followed by mulholland dr and lost highway. i still need to see inland empire and i might watch the dune movie or wild at heart too just cus#requeim!!! man...i <3 you forever the only thing is jared leto and they shouldve kept harry and his mom jewish#the eyes of my mother is so eerie and sad not much straight up horror this year but this one....yeah#memento was so good too i love murder msyteries and goinf back like oh fuck i get it now#brick was fun :) kind of a silly little movie i like how everyone talked in it#waking life is so interesting def falls into expeimentsl artsy shit but its gorgeous and so facinating its all animated! crazy shit#anyway yaay anyone can do this also i dont know many people who watxhed movies but i <3 tou movies#next ones we gotta see are inland empire perfect blue crash dead ringers n i personally wanna see event horizon and videodrome among others
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SEASON NINE FINALE WAS WILD. I HAVE MANY MANY THOUGHTS. WHAT JUST HAPPENED. A FUCKING ROLLER COASTER FOR SURE
#theo.txt#I DID NOT REALIZE DEMON DEAN WAS NOW#DESPITE KNOWING THAT YEAH HE LOOKS ABOUT THAT AGE OR WHATEVER IN THE SCREENCAPS IVE SEEN#WHEN I TELL YOU I CHEERED AT THE END WHEN I REALIZED WHAT WAS GOING ON!!!!! i love crowley pulling some bullshit at the last minute. classi#king of hell shit#and in the end scene where it's just mark sheppard's stellar monologue and the EYELID NOISE... chefs kiss that got me so hyped for s10#i do think this finale got me really interested to see what s10 brings generally#AND DOESNT ROWENA SHOW UP THIS SEASON?? WE LOVE TO SEE IT IM EXCITED#rip gadreel though he was an interesting character. sad he had to die just to prove a point and blow up a cell. but a fitting end ig?? :(#i also loved cas's plan at the end though with the angel radio thing. get his ass lol#but also god i felt so bad for him. can the narrative give him a fucking break. he is trying his god damn best#the curse of free will and the curse of loving. painful but you do it anyway. castiel when i get my hands on you#also if i am not mistaken... the shot parallels to sams first death with deans death... we cry#IS SAM JUST GONNA BE ALL ALONE NOW?? I ASSUME CROWLEY TAKES DEAN WITH HIM?#OH NO 😭😭😭 SAM BABY IM SO SORRY#not that he doesnt always have a rough time but he has a particularly excruciating season. someone give this man a hug#i feel for him very deeply#'i lied' 'ain't that a bitch?' got me. i hate them. SOOOO brothers.#anyway#AAAAAAAAUGH#also why was metatron the worlds number one destiel shipper at the end of the season here im DEAD. MULTIPLE pieces of dialogue hes like 'yo#did it all for HUMANITY... for your ONE HUMAN of CHOICE... the HUMAN who motivates you...' JUST CALL HIM A SLUR WHY DONT YOU#im dead#idk what the general community thoughts are on that episode but i did enjoy it. wild fucking ride from start to finish#s9 wasnt my favorite and definitely did not hook me in the second quarter for some reason. def was not as compelling as like s7 for me but#the points that i liked i really enjoyed#loved sam resorting to summoning crowley. he wants his ass dead SO bad. i think sam deserves the world after the shit he was put through#this season#anyway overall. i am gnawing on the walls and pacing around my room at incredible speeds. what is UP with this show.#man.
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on one hand completely ignoring your emotions is soo good for my mental stability and productivity but man i miss staring at the ceiling and listening to sad songs on loop
#idk if depression is the right word but yeah that author was right you become comfortable in your sadness you start loving it because#it becomes such a defining part of you#if i don't engage in any bad habits throughout the day i start to feel so uncomfortable and wrong and unfamiliar#that i crash and do something old me would've done again :(#the bounce back time has significantly improved tho so that's a relief#also lol who am i kidding pms will come soon im sure#but anyway#i physically can't listen to waiting room rn i listened to the opening notes and it was like#like a dam about to burst#so i just closed the gate very fast#i can't be sad rn because then i will feel lonely and then i will miss people and they won't miss me and ill cry the gasping for breath#i don't know what to do with this emptiness in the middle of my chest crying#man i hope this doesn't have any long term consequences#also i hope one day being good feels like me again and rotting in bed becomes unbearable again#i used to be so active like not physically but idk just like engaged with life more#curiously excitedly#well there's no going back now but i do hope i find a good balance#i was reading normal people and kinda rerealised that woah this sadness will always be a huge part of me. you only get#one childhood and. welp it got too real too relatable#i hope i don't turn out like her every self help book ive read says kids follow in their parents footsteps but god i hope not#this is why boys will always be so scary to me#future seems so bleak sometimes like not my 20s they'll be fire im sure but after that. am i even capable of being loved long term?#if the person who knew me the most well can move on from me in a flash. well then. i don't have anything more to give this is all#what has this post even become oh god. whatever. ill keep trying to be smarter first interesting second hopefully lovable will follow
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I may not be authorized to have lob corp character options given I've only read at best 30% of the story and only because of me watching playthroughs while I play but also I need everyone to give more of a shit abt Lisa right now she's literally the best one objectively because I said so
#rat rambles#shes also just genuinely rly well written and shes made me cry#like Im not particularly interested in reading through most lob corp stuff right now but I will regularly rewatch her core meltdown scenes#and while I also dont plan on reading lor stuff the fact that I know she ends up alone in that game fucks me up so bad#like godddddd tragic siblings my absolute beloved#I dont forgive her for being blond but at least shes not trying to be a lil edgelord like wendy lol#I cant say shes evading the tboy cringe allegations though give her a couple years we'll see#but yeah Im sure that angela would have a death grip on my mind if I ever got into project moon stuff#I may not know a whole lot abt her but she and carmen combined fit into just about every character archerype I always fall for#oh and you can bet your ass I would be making carmen and olivia parallels in my mind as I read#which would then backfire because then I'd start thinking abt jackie and ayin#and then Id be sad that ayin and carmen arent doomed toxic yuri 😔#well they could be if you belive hard enough but I do not believe in ayin sorry#the real question in life ofc is if carmen is a lesbian or a gay man
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