#HES SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT IM GOING TO THROW MYSELF INTO ORBIT

[cherrylight]

dreamily sighs and screams

[bittywitches]

All Yours (Grayson Dolan Fanfic)

A/N: I’m so sorry I can’t really tell what this is anymore I just. Needed to finish it. This is absolutely way too long and prolly bad but here you go :)

Basically it’s just Grayson getting super duper jealous and paranoid of how close his girlfriend and Ethan are 

Hope everyone’s doing well. Love you guys <3

Word Count: 4.6K

“E you’re literally kidding me right now.”

“Bro it’s literally true you’ve been here the entire time you have EVIDENCE!”

“OH MY GOD ETHAN your life was not going to shit because of mercury being in retrograde! That makes no fucking sense!”

“HOW can you say that-“

“Do you know what retrograde even IS?”

“Y/N y-“

“Shut the fuck up im trying to educate you. ‘Mercury being in rEtRoGrAdE’ is just us seeing mercury’s orbit from EARTH-“

“Dude-“

“LISTEN YOU DUMBASS it’s SCIENCE we’re just OBSERVING another orbit while we are ALSO orbiting around the SAME THING-“

“BRO I-“

“Grayson tell him he’s a fucking idiot!”

“HOE he’s literally the one who found the store to buy us those stones!”

She whipped her head around in shock with a slight undertone of disgust. “GRAYSON!”

Grayson looked up from his phone. “Do not drag me into this.”

“Grayson you fucking dUMBASS-“

“Baby-“

“PLEASE tell me it was a joke. You were just committing to the joke.”

He went back to his phone.

“GRAYSON PLEASE-“

“Y/N THERE’S NO OTHER EXPLANATION FOR HOW SHITTY THIS WEEK HAS BEEN-“ Ethan exclaimed.

“Oh I’m gonna-“ she jumped off the couch and lunged towards him, ready to pounce, but Grayson grabbed her waist to hold her back. 

“Honey you have got to chill.”

“It is not my fault that Ethan can’t understand BASIC TENTH GRADE SCIENCE-“

“JOKE’S ON YOU I NEVER WENT TO TENTH GRADE-“

“You FUCKER-“

“BABE CALM THE FUCK DOWN!” He yanked her back, and she fell back on top of his chest.

“Can’t you open your mind for one second Y/N-“ 

“E stop instigating her!” He said, trying to keep a growling Y/N locked in his arms.

“It’s a COINCIDENCE! It’s a  scientific phenomenon that happens with lots of satellites in space but has no relation to Earth or us whatsoever and has NOTHING TO DO with your SHITTY WEEK ETHAN! You are just incredibly unlucky!”

“Okay babe you’re actually scaring me maybe turn the rage down a bit?” Gray asked, trying for a soothing tone.

“And you on the other hand! Are you stupid? Are you literally stupid Grayson-“

“BABY-“

She bent down and bit on his arm and he yelped , letting go more out of surprise than in pain.

“Y/N WHAT THE FUCK?” He rubbed his arm and pouted at her.

“Everyone who lives here is a FUCKING IDIOT!” She yelled, storming out of living room and into the kitchen.

A few seconds pass.

...

“You’re not really mad though, right?” Ethan said quietly after clearing his throat.

Y/N walked back into the living room, now holding a bag of potato chips. “Nah, I’m just bored and wanted to argue.”

She plopped herself onto the couch next to Ethan and smiled at him, and he rolled his eyes, but it got a laugh out of Grayson.

“So we cool?” Ethan eyed her warily. 

“Of course,” she laughed, then pecked him on the cheek. “I just thrive on dysfunction.” She popped a chip into her mouth.

“Yea she’s right about that..” Gray mumbled from his seat, still staring at his phone.

“Shut up, asshole.”

“Bitchass.”

She laughed. “I love you.”

“Love you too.”

“So you do think our shitty week was because of mercury being in retrograde.”

Her laughter stopped when she turned around to look at Ethan. She blinked. “You’re kidding, right?”

“What? You just said-“

“Yea because I thought you were joking-“

“What? I wasn’t-“

“Oh my god don’t get me started-“

“LETS JUST WATCH THE MOVIE!” Grayson shouted, throwing his phone onto the counter.

Y/N snorted. “Jeez, Gray, it’s like you want us to stop fighting.”

“Yea, no doubt this is definitely turning you on right now.” Ethan wiggled his eyebrows, and Y/N spat from laughing so hard as she doubled over.

“EW what the F-” Gray screamed.

“It’s okay, you can be honest with us. It’s not your fault you’re into weird shit.” Y/N howled from laughter.

Grayson rolled his eyes. “Of course you two only stop fighting if it’s to make fun of me. I see how it is-“

“Bubba stop wallowing and start the movie!” Y/N threw a pillow at him, and it landed smack in his face.

“Nice shot.” Ethan remarked.

“Thank you, good sir.” She gave him a high five.

“God, this is one of those times I wish you guys weren’t friends first.” Grayson groaned, grabbing the remote and turning the TV on.

“Hey man, the one time I make a friend on my own and she ends up being your girlfriend. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me, dude-“

“Don’t start with this shit again, E-“

“I mean I basically got you your girlfriend, you technically owe me bro-“

“Shut the fuck up E!”

“Excuse me,” Y/N interjected, shoving Ethan’s shoulder. “You didn’t do shit, okay? I honestly probably just got unlucky and ended up meeting you first instead of Grayson.” She smirked.

“Wow, okay, first of all, fuck you-“

“I'M PUTTING THE MOVIE ON!” Grayson shouted.

“Damn, baby, what’s got you in a bad mood today?” Y/N giggled, and Ethan snickered along with her. They constantly got into tiny fights about nothing just for fun, and it was what made their friendship so interesting. But they knew when to stop fooling around, and it seemed like now was one of those times.

Gray sighed. “Nothinggg, I’m just tired.” It wasn’t nothing, but he was tired. He kicked his feet up into the sofa and leaned back against the pillow. Ethan has already draped the big fuzzy blanket over him and Y/N.

“Baby..” Grayson whined. “Come over here. I wanna cuddle.” 

“But it’s so faaar..” Y/N groaned. “And I’m already so cozy.” She smiled at him sweetly.

Grayson couldn’t help but feel warm and fuzzy from the look she gave him, but he was still disappointed. He slumped his shoulders and turned back towards the screen.  “Whatever..”

“Aww, Baby, don’t be like that, then you’ll make me feel bad.”

“Jesus you guys are adorably disgusting.” Ethan cringed at you both, and Grayson groaned.

“Why, thank you, kind sir.” Y/N said, grabbing the blanket away from Ethan then scurrying over to Graysons sofa, making his eyes light up.

“Hey! I was using that.” Ethan grumbled.

“Sorry, it’s needed for cuddles which is more important than your lonely ass.”

“Why are you so mean to me?”

“Because you always forgive me right afterwards.” She gave him a cheeky grin, and he scoffed at her.

She turned to Grayson. “Okay, scooch over, you attention whore.” 

“Hey-“

“I looove you.” 

Grayson rolled his eyes. “You’re lucky I love you too.” He shimmied over, letting Y/N crawl over him so she could nestle up close into his chest. Grayson then threw the blanket over both of them. She laid her head in the crook of his neck, and pressed a kiss there.

“You’re not mad, right?”

He looked down at her, wary. A little, he thought. “No.. why?”

“Dunno..” she shrugged. “Just feels like you are.”

“Well, I’m not.” He said, not with much enthusiasm. He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“Would you two stop whispering and start the movie already?” Ethan said, putting his feet up onto the counter. 

“Yeah, yeah, okay.” Gray reaches for the remote, and started the movie.

...

“There’s no way!”

Grayson groaned, finally waking up to the sound of chattering voices and giggling.

“He’d never do that.” He heard Y/N’s voice say. 

He grumbled, rubbing his eyes, but then noticed that he couldn’t feel the weight of Y/N on top of him. He cracked his eyes open and found her missing from his arms. He then turned to find her sitting back over on the couch, next to Ethan.

“You don’t give him enough credit.” Ethan said, grinning. 

“I’m not saying I blame him! It makes sense that he wouldn’t.”

He couldn’t explain it, but Grayson felt some sort of anger bubbling in his chest. Why did it seem like every moment he got with Y/N was being stolen? Was he no longer able to just fall asleep with his girlfriend in his arms? Did Ethan always have to be the one he saw instead?

“What’re you two girls giggling about?” He growled, throwing the blanket off of him as he sat up.

“Look who finally decided to wake up.” Y/N said, turning away from E to face him.

Grayson sighed. He couldn’t beat around the bush anymore, so he asked the obvious question. “Whatre you doing over there, baby?”

“Well, you fell asleep halfway through the movie. And you just looked so cute... I didn’t wanna wake you up.” She smiled at him, that familiar twinkle in her eye.

Gray tilted his head at her, unsure what to make of it. How did she always end up doing something sweet so he couldn’t stay mad at her?

“What are you guys talking about?” He asked again.

“Y/N was just telling me about this sex position you won’t try.” He snorted.

Grayson closed his eyes. “Please, dear god, tell me he’s joking.” He opened them again and looked at her.

She laughed, getting up and seating herself down next to him. “He’s joking, bub.” She gave him a side glance. “We were actually just talking about whether or not you’d give up your work for me.”

Grayson blinked, then turned to Ethan. “Are you trying to make me lose my girlfriend?” 

He laughed. “No, we were just talking about the podcast and stuff, and she said how she’s never seen you as happy as you are doing that kind of stuff with anything else. To which I said, you’d give it all up in a second for her.”

“Okay I’m not confirming or denying anything-“ Grayson pressed a hand to Y/N’s cheek, “-I love you,-“ he added, getting a smile from her, “but I don’t feel like you’re in a position where you can make that kind of comment while I am unconscious and unable to defend myself.” He directed back at Ethan.

“Baby, relax.” Y/N took his hand from her cheek and pressed a kiss against his palm. “We were just talking. I just said that there’s no way you’d just give up on all of this. On everything. And that makes SENSE.” She said to Ethan. “No relationship should demand that you give up anything that important to you.”

“Right but I’m just saying-“

“Ethan maybe just shut up.” Gray interjected. “Just a little. Just shut up.”

Y/N laughed again. She cupped Grayson’s cheeks, turning his face towards hers, and pressed a quick kiss against his lips. “Sorry, Baby. Didn’t mean to make you all flustered right after you woke up.” She giggled.

Grayson sighed, but smiled. “Sometimes I wonder if you’re worth all this embarrassment.”

“No, you don’t.” 

“Yea, you’re right. I don’t.” He grinned.

“Okay, it’s getting too cute again. I’m going to bed before I puke.” Ethan got up, making a gagging gesture with his finger. “Gnight.”

“Night, E.” Y/N said, laughing as he walked out of the room.

“God, I thought he’d never leave.” Grayson pulled Y/N into his arms and kissed her face all over.

She giggled, pushing his face away. “What are you talking about? You literally just woke up.”

“And I was expecting to wake up to my girlfriends pretty face, not his nasty one.” He snuggled his nose into her cheek as she rolled her eyes.

“What’re you talking about.” 

“I’m just saying that I don’t mind it when he’s not here to steal you away.”

“Steal me?” She finally got his face off of her and she looked at him, crossing her arms. “the hell is that supposed to mean?”

He gave her a mixture of a sigh and a laugh. “Nothing, babe.”

“Grayson.”

“Yes, Baby.” He pushed her hair back behind her shoulders.

She swatted his hands away. “What is that supposed to mean?”

He shrugged. “I’m just saying that when I fall asleep with my girlfriend in my arms, it isn’t the best feeling waking up to see her giggling with my brother.”

She sat up abruptly, almost knocking him in the face in the process. “What?”

“Nothingggg, never mind.”

“Grayson-“

“I love you,” he said. 

“Ok we can’t keep saying that to avoid stuff!” She jabbed at him.

“I’m not avoiding anything, baby girl.” He wrapped his arms around her and pressed a kiss to her forehead. 

Y/N hesitated. “Bub...”

“Mmm.” He bent down and pressed a kiss to her lips. She held him there, as if she was testing him for something. But she couldn’t seem to figure out what. 

They broke apart, and Grayson sighed against her lips.

“I hate that E had to meet you first.”

“Why?” She pulled away just enough to see his eyes.

“Because-“ he stopped, and breathed out. “Because I didn’t get to have you for as long as I could have.” He decided to say that instead, while pressing his forehead against hers.

“You have me now.” She said.

He smiled. “Yea...” he pulled back from her, a wistful sort of look in his eye.

Do I, though? He thought.

Grayson shook his head, then laid back on the couch, putting his arms back behind his head as he breathed out. He felt Y/N weigh down on his chest, propping herself up on her elbows as she looked down at him. She stayed like that for a while, watching him breathe and stare at the ceiling. He wanted to know what was running through her head, but he kept his eyes closed, knowing that if he did look at her he’d feel jealous all over again.

He hated the very idea of him being jealous in the first place. It was icky and weird, and quite frankly disgusting. What was he supposed to be jealous of?

Ethan.

He pushed that thought way, just thinking about it making him queasy. What the fuck was he thinking? How could he be jealous of Ethan when Y/N was his girlfriend? Sure, they were friends first, and yes that pissed him off to no end, but that’s all it was. They were just friends.

Right?

No.

Grayson brought his hands up to his eyes, somehow trying to rub the thoughts out of his head. He let out a loud sigh. 

Why did she have to be like this? It’s not like he had a problem with her being close with Ethan. He loved that, and he always wanted his partner to have a good relationship with his brother. Ethan was super important to him, and he wanted both his love and his brother to be in his life. And that’s what he got, so he should be lucky right? He should be happy at the thought that the three of them could just hang out and things wouldn’t be weird.

Yes it would.

No it wouldn’t.

They spend too much time together.

No they don’t.

She probably wants to be with him instea-

“Woah- okay.” Grayson mumbled, opening his eyes fast to pull himself out of his spiral. That went too far way too fast. He peered up at the ceiling, trying to concentrate on the blank white colour and clear his thoughts.

He felt Y/N shift on his chest, probably in response to his small outburst, and he prayed that she wouldn’t say anything. He waited a second.

Two.

Three.

She didn’t make a sound, aside from her soft breath. He relaxed.

This is Y/N. his girlfriend. The girl he loved, and the girl he was quite sure loved him the same way. Nobody else. Just him.

You sure?

“Fuck!”

“Baby, are you okay?” She finally said now, pushing herself up off of his chest gently to look at him with furrowed eyebrows.

“Yea, princess. I’m fine. Just.. a headache.”

She titled her head at him, a worried look in her eye. “You sure?”

You sure?

“YES!” He said a little too loudly, making her jump a little. “Yes, I’m sure.”

She peered at him with a look of unease, but she dropped it. He seemed tired, and she didn’t want to push him. However, she could tell there was something running through his mind, and it was bothering him.

His face looked pale for the first time, and it freaked her out. His eyebrows were all furrowed, and he just felt dark and unsettling.

“What’re you thinking about, bub?” She finally said, unable to keep wondering.

Grayson coughed. What was he to say? 

“...You.” He finally decided with, trying for a playful smile, but his eyes still seemed tired. Uneasy.

“Is that so?” She laid down, bringing her arms down flat on his chest and resting her chin above them. “What about me?”

“Just you.” He brought a hand up to brush a hair out of her face, and this time she let him. “Your pretty face.”

Just for me.

“Right.”

“And your sparkling eyes.”

For no one else.

“Mhm.”

“And your stupid little smile that literally makes me want to squeal like a little school girl.” He said now, a little frustrated, but making him realize once more that this was still Y/N. the girl he had fallen for, and loved with everything he had.

“Aw, I make you squeal like a little girl?”

“Constantly.”

“That may be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

“Shut up.”

They both breathed out, their anxious sighs mingling with one another. 

Grayson felt Y/N drag her finger across his chest, stopping abruptly right before touching his hand.

She knows.

Knows what?

Knows that you don’t trust her.

He took her hand in his, grabbing it tightly and pressing it against his chest.  

I do trust you.

I do.

It was like he could feel her smiling against his chest, and suddenly he relaxed once more. He rubbed her palm with his thumb, glad he could find something to focus on. It was as if she felt the same way, because he felt her place her head down against his chest. He closed his eyes once more, lining his breath up with her soft breath. His other hand found its way to her lower back, now gently rubbing up and down, the way he did whenever she couldn’t fall asleep.

Just fall asleep.

...

“Shit.”

Grayson stirred from his sleep, awoken by the sound of Y/N’s quiet voice. 

“Mmmbaby, s’that y-?” He went to sleepily grab Y/N’s waist, but sort of shook himself awake when his arms landed flat against his waist. 

He wanted to yell. “God, again with this shit?” He grumbled, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you.” Her voice made him pull his arms away, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness. He finally recognized his girlfriend’s shape standing next to the sofa. He then saw the spilled water at her feet.

“What are you...” he glanced back up at her, and she ran a hand through her hair.

“I got thirsty. Didn’t wanna wake you...” She sighed. “But I couldn’t see in the dark, and I knocked into the stupid coffee table and spilled it all.” She rubbed her eye with the back of her palm and pouted.

Grayson reached for his phone, picking it up and squinting as the bright light shone in his face. 

It was 2am. 

He turned the flashlight on his phone on so he could see where the water had spilled. Thankfully, none had gotten on the carpet. He placed the phone down and sighed. “My clumsy baby.” He got up off the couch and carefully walked over to her, stepping over the puddle of water. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and kissed her on the forehead. “Okay, I’ll get the mop. Go to bed.”

She smiled. “Love you.”

...

About fifteen minutes later, Grayson quietly shut the door to his bedroom, and saw his girlfriend sitting up in his bed, her head laying against the backboard, and a pretty light shining over her face from the table lamp. Her eyes seemed a little glazed, as if she was about to drift off, but smiled and sat up when she saw him enter the room.

“Why aren’t you sleeping?” Grayson asked, getting into bed next to her.

She shrugged. “Didn’t wanna fall asleep without you.”

She laid her head on his shoulder, and sighed. “I know we kinda say it all the time, so it’s kinda almost lost meaning at this point, but…” she tilted her head to look up at him. “I really do love you.”

Her hand rustled under the blanket to find his, and their fingers intertwined. “A lot.” 

Grayson’s eyebrows furrowed. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Nothin’.” She said, reaching up to kiss his cheek. 

“Well, whatever it is, I like it.”

Grayson pushed her back down onto her pillow and kissed her while she giggled against his lips. 

She pushed him back by his shoulders, giving him a funny look. “I’m just trying to show my appreciation for you.”

“So am I.” He pressed a kiss to her lips again, and this time she didn’t stop him, her hands finding their usual place at his jaw and neck. 

When they pulled apart, she kept his head in place, pressing their noses together. “You’re amazing.”

“You’re weird when you’re tired.”

She pecked his lips. “It’s strange that you use the word ‘weird’ instead of ‘affectionate’.”

She let go of him, letting her arms fall on top of the blanket. She stretched, and let out a yawn. She pushed him down onto the mattress, and laid her head in the crook of his neck, her arm against his chest.

Grayson leaned back, just watching the view in front of him. His wonderful girlfriend, falling asleep next to him, in his bed. Hearing her breathing as she drifted off to sleep, her chest slowly rising and falling as she began to dream. It was everything he wanted. 

Then why was there that nagging voice still in the back of his head?

This isn’t real.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

She’s faking it. 

What?

All of it.

What is wrong with you?

She’s pretending.

No she’s not.

She is.

She’s not.

She is.

She loves me!

You sure?

…

I have to be sure.

“Y/N…”

“Mmm?”

“Tell me the story of how you met Ethan.”

She looked up at him with a weird look. “Why?”

“Just ‘cause.”

“..babe?”

“I just wanna hear it.”

“But you already know that story.”

“I know..” He stroked her hair. “I just wanna hear it again.”

“Baby what is going on with you?” She pushed herself up off of his chest to look at him, sitting up now.

“Okay, fine. Just tell me what you really thought when you saw him for the first time.”

“What?”

“Were you really just trying to be friends with him?”

“Bub-” 

“Or did you want something else?”

“Grayson!” she shoved at his chest. “What is wrong with you?”

“Baby please.” He grabbed her arm. “Did you want him, ever?”

She flung his arm off of her. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Just tell me!” He yelled, impatient and worried.

She blinked at him in astonishment. “Okay, so what if I did, huh?”

His heart sank. “Don’t play games with me, Y/N.”

“So WHAT if I DID, GRAYSON?” she was shouting now too, no longer caring about keeping her voice down so not to wake Ethan. 

“Don’t fucking say that.”

“Why would that even matter? I’m not with him, am I? I’m with YOU!”

“Y/N-”

“Grayson, please....” She put her face in her hands. Rubbing her eyes with her palms. “What is wrong? Do you have a problem with me?”

“What? No! I-”

“Then why are you doing this? Why are you acting like a jealous freak? Do you not trust me? Do you not believe me when I pour my heart out to you? When I say that I love you?”

“I’m not jealous-”

“Yes you are!” She threw her hands up in the air. “I’ve never said anything about it, because I didn’t want to. It’s weird, Gray. And especially today! What do you have to be jealous of? Do you not want me to be friends with Ethan? Is that it?”

“No…” His fingers raked through his hair. “No.”

“Then what, Gray? What is it that you want from me?”

She paused. 

“Do you not want me?”

His eyes widened. “What the fuck are you talking about?” He wrapped his arms around her aggressively, burying his nose into her shoulder. “You are all I’ve ever wanted.”

She sighed. “Bub…” she gently pushed herself away from his so she could look him in the eye. “No. I’ve never had feelings for Ethan. He’s my friend. My really, good friend that I care a lot about. But I don’t feel anything towards him like what I feel towards you.”

He gave her an exasperated sigh. “Then what did you really think of Ethan the first time you met him?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary! I just thought he was a nice person that I’d like to hang out with.”

Grayson gave her a weary look. 

“Babe, I don’t understand. You say that you trust me, but if you did why would you act like this?”

“I don’t know, Y/N! It’s not like I want to! It’s just- you guys are so close. And I’ve just never seen Ethan be that close to someone other than me, and, I don’t know, okay? It just. It just freaks me out.”

Y/N cupped his jaw. “Grayson.”

“Yea?”

“You know what I thought the first time I met you?”

“...what?”

“Wow. I didn’t know it was possible for someone to have a twin significantly more attractive than they are.”

Grayson blinked, but then almost spit all over her, doubling over in laughter, completely forgetting about the seriousness of the situation. Y/N couldn’t help but giggle as well, glad to see him smile.

“Shut up.” He said after controlling his laughing. “Don’t lie.”

“I’m dead serious.” She chuckled. “My hands were all sweaty the entire time, and you know how I kept completely falling off the track while we were playing mario kart?

“Mhm?”

“That’s cuz I was staring at your reflection in the tv screen.”

“Shut UP!”

“I swear to god I’m serious!” she laughed. “And after I gave up to let you guys play and I was just on my phone, I was actually imagining us making out.”

He grabbed her face and kissed her, surprising her, but she relaxed in his arms. When he pulled away, he said: “You are so good at lying to make me feel better.” 

“I’m not lying!”

“Mhm.” He kissed her again, wrapping one arm around her waist while the other held her neck firmly. She moaned against his lips, holding his face in both hands. When they pulled away, they were out of breath.

“Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little bit.” She smiled. “But the point is, I love you. Nobody else.”

Grayson sighed. “I love you.” He pressed his forehead against hers. “I’m sorry.”

“You should be.”

“Hey.”

“What? You should.”

He rolled his eyes. “Fine. You’re right.”

He kissed her forehead. “I’m really sorry. I’ve been a huge dick.”

“You sure have.”

Then her nose. “I was an idiot to be jealous.”

“Mhm.”

And then a peck on her lips. “I love you. So much.”

She grinned. “I love you too.”

“Promise me one thing?”

“What?”

“You’ll always be mine?” he asked, his lips grazing against hers.

She smiled at him. “I’m all yours.” she said, then connected their lips once more.

[themadauthorshatter]

YO!

Hi! 😊

I don't know about you guys, but I think it's time to catch up with our dear friends in the Toppat!Charles AU.

Part 7 was SOOO long, and I will try to pack in as much as I can without excluding an outro.

LAST TIME ON THE TOPPAT!CHARLES SHOW: (Old timey 1920's reporter voice) Terrence Suave escaped the CCC in order to find Henry and convince him to help break Reginald Copperbottom out of The Wall. Although their attempt was successful, Dmitri attacked and almost killed Henry, who was saved by his father at the last minute. Meanwhile, Charles is getting used to his place as leader, even if the reception is a little frosty.

(Back to normal) Of course, if you want the FULL background, here are the previous parts:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

With all that out of the wag, LET'S GET BACK INTO IT!!!!

CRAZY JUMPCUT WARNING, IT'S ABOUT TO GET CRAZY!!!

We open on the Toppat orbital station as Charles and Right get an emergency call from Burt: there's a broadcast coming from Earth that's just for them.

On Earth, Henry holds Reginald by his arm, tight enough to keep a hold on him yet loose enough to not bruise. So far, all they have is white noise, but a thumbs up from the general in the next room tells them that this is working.

On the orbital station, Charles and Right watch the white noise as well, but do hear a voice, wven though it's extremely garbled.

"-Arles? ...Righ- ...Man? -You hear m-?"

Back in Earth, Henry clears his throat and tries again.

"Charles? Right Hand Man? It's Henry Stickmin. Can you hear me?"

It takes a minute or so that feels like forever, but the feed becomes clear and shows Charles and Right standing side by side, Charles annoyed as all hell and Right being smug. Neither see Reginald yet because Henry is holding him just out of the camera's sight.

"'Ello again. Miss us already?"

Henry glares into the camera and signs with one hand.

Already knowing sign Charles translates, "Barely. I have a present for you, though."

Henry nods and pulls Reg into the fame, and Right's smug face drops INSTANTLY.

Reginald's time in The Wall has inded taken its toll. His hair, despite regular washing, is still insanely greasy and messy. His moustache is messy too from no time being given to care for it. He's thin, too, thinner than Terrence Suave is, thinner than CHARLES. (For context, Terrence has only lost fifteen pounds, though the augmentations make him tremendously heavy, Charles has lost about twenty-seven pounds, and Reginald has lost nearly forty pounds since his imprisonment.)

Reg gasps at seeing Right, especially the augmentations that follow Right's emotions as he leans forward and closer to the screen.

He pulls out of Henry's grip to try to get closer, even though there's a screen and millions of miles between them.

"Reg!"

"Right Hand Man!? You're alive! How!?"

Right's smile of relief turns to a snarl as he turns his attention back to Henry.

"You son of a BITCH, Stickmin!"

Henry pulls Reginald away from the screen and signs again, Charles translating for him.

"'Eye for an eye. If you want him back...'"

Charles is silent as Henry keeps signing for a little bit, giving a location to meet him.

He only glares at Henry, extremely offended.

"He wants to meet in the desert. The one close to the CCC headquarters. Where we arrested the previous leader."

Henry nods.

Right is about to speak, but Charles steps in front of him and pushes him back.

"And if we don't agree?"

Henry points a finger gun at Reginald, though the threat is pretty reluctant in his eyes. 'Execution.'

Right a mini panic and Charles smirks, especially when Right cuts in.

"Fine! Deal! We'll meet you there tomorrow! Just don't hurt him!"

Henry nods and signs, 'Tomorrow.'

With that, and a few moments of tense staring with Charles, the transmission ends.

Henry sighs and signs to the general and Ellie from behind a window, 'Now we wait.'

"What's your plan now?" Galeforce asks. "What're you going to do?"

Henry makes a rectangle with his hands and then a sort of "opening-closing" gesture.

'Box.'

ON THE TOPPAT ORBITAL STATION!!!!

Charles is roaming the halls, examining portraits of past clan leaders. He hasn't gotten his own yet, but neither has Right. He's mostly looking at Randy Radman.

"That one was one of the best leaders," Right muses from Charles's side. "Got it worse, though. 'Ad a fist fight with gold gun right there." He points to Terrence's portrait. "Knocked 'im out where he stood and made 'im fall into a propeller, back when we used the airship. I remember 'ow 'e laughed afterward. Thought 'e lost 'is marbles. Reg and I 'ad to clean 'im out a few days later."

Charles is silent when Right finishes, only coughing a little bit. After about a minute, he speaks up.

"Guess you're done with me?"

Right shrugs. "As much as I like you, I like Reg a little more."

Charles clenches a fist as Right continues.

"I'm getting 'im back and no one's stopping me. Sorry, kid, but I'm givin' you back. You've been 'ere long enough."

Charles fights the rage boiling inside of him and forces a smile. "I thought you'd kill me when I overstayed my welcome."

Right smirks back. "I like Reg even more alive. Thought crossed my mind from time to time, though."

Charles nods and leaves, claiming he's going to say goodbye to the room and cell he was in, finding some closure there.

Right looks over to Reginald's portrait and gets a sorrowful look on his face as he places a non-cybernetic hand on the painting.

"Soon. Sorry it took so long, Reg."

Back with Charles, though, he storms into his room and has an Aaron Burr "Your obedient servant" brooding moment.

He's been kidnapped, starved, beaten, tortured, and forced to join the Toppat Clan, he has pneumonia and needs to use eye drops, and now he's just being tossed around like a hot potato?

You can see why something like this would piss him off.

Unlike Henry's leadership, however, there's no one to back up Charles.

He gets to his room and throws his hat at the window and trashes his room.

After he's done and has worn himself out, he spots a gun on his desk and smiles, the greatest plan forming in his broken mind

If that's how you want to play, let's do this.

BACK ON EARTH!!!!!!

Henry is chilling in a box that can hold him comfortably, thinking out a plan of escape should the meeting go wrong.

The execution threat on Reginald seemed to work wonders, but there could be a chance Right backs out on this deal and holds on to Charles, just one of the possibilities that could happen. Ellie and Terrence will be joining them for the hostage swap, another precaution in case shit hits the fan.

Speaking if Terrence, Henry gets a knock from the outside of the box and he pops out to see his father giving him weird eyes.

"Guess... THIS is your plan?"

'It might be, if all goes wrong.'

Terrence shakes his head. "Knowing that poodle, he's not giving you any trouble, not with his master on the line."

Henry looks away from him and shakily nods.

"How're you feeling, by the way? Your hand getting better?"

Henry checks his hand, which is in a cast, and nods. 'Yeah. Just needs a little bit to heal.'

"Good." Terrence lightly smacks Heney on the head. "Smart thinking, by the way. Taking on the warrant on his own turf."

Henry winces and signs, 'It gave you guys a chance to get away.'

"And almost got YOU killed. Try saving your friend after that."

Henry nods. 'Thanks.'

"Can't let the warrant kill you before me or Bill."

The two share a smile and prepare for the meet at night.

With Reginald, he tries to make himself presentable for when he sees Right and the clan again, pinching color into his cheeks, trying to fix his hair and style his mustache by hand, and trying to dewrinkle his clothes; he has standards.

When Henry and Galeforce walk in, the general saying grouchily, "Once we get Charlie back and get you back to the clan, don't expect us to keep letting you all off the hook."

"I need time to rest myself after being locked up twice. Don't go flattering yourself."

They get some handcuffs on Reginald and get situated in a helicopter or carrier of some kind and fly off to the desert.

TIME JUMP BROUGHT TO YOU BY EIGHT HAND MAN BEING SOFT FOR REGINALD!!!!!

Charles and Right are already waiting when they see the government, Terrence, and Henry arrive with Reginald.

Ellie, Galeforce, Terrence, and Henry approach, Reg trying to hold back a smile when he sees Right in the flesh. Galeforce feels an emotional gut punch when he sees Charles, but business first.

"Evening, gentlemen."

"General." Charles says with a tip of his head; he is not wearing his top hat. "Good to see you're doing well."

Right grimaces at Terrence Suave, who gives a smirk to his fellow cyborg.

"Mr. Suave."

"Right Hand Man, old friend. How've you been? You look good. Get any new updates?"

Henry clears his throat as Ellie chides, "Focus."

Charles's gaze softens on Ellie, apologetic. "Hey, Ellie."

Ellie is quiet for a second before replying, "Um... Hey, Charles. We're here to take you home."

He hardens again, his face a mix of stoicism and anger. "After he wanted me gone, he suddenly wants me back?" He asks as he gestured to Henry.

Henry looks at the ground and shrinks under Charles's gaze, his sign barely seen. 'I'm sorry.'

Charles scoffs. "All you criminals are the same: When things don't go your way, you'll use anything and anyone you can to make it go your way."

Henry shakes his head. 'I never wanted this to happen. I made a deal with the CCC to be here, just please come back.'

Charles's angry dace breaks into shock.

'I'm sorry I didn't take the shot. I'm sorry for everything you went through, and I'm sorry I couldn't save you earlier. Please just come home.'

Right hides a smirk, Reginald gives Right, 'Really? Overboard, much?' eyes, Ellie and Terrence fight tears, and Galeforce clears his throat.

"Come on, Charlie. Let's get you home."

Charles doesn't respond for a second and remains still before gesturing to Reginald. "Let him say 'hi' to his right hand man first, then we can go."

Reg and Right are both surprised by this, but Galeforce complies, taking off Reginald's handcuffs.

Reg and Right run toward each other and meet in a very warm, tearful embrace, one with crying and one running his fingers through the other's hair, one that makes Henry and even Terrence smile; say what you will, these two make a cute couple.

In this moment, Henry notices a slight movement from Charles.

The former pilot smiles widely, teeth bare, eyes bloodshot and wide, and tears streaming down his face as he pulls a gun out from his coat and takes aim.

With a lurch, Galeforce, acting purely on instinct, goes for his own gun in his belt, Ellie backs away(Charles is one hell of a shot and she doesn't want to learn that again), Terrence reaches for Henry, and Henry darts toward Charles.

"NO!"

BANG!

MAN! Don't you just love cliff hangers? Leaves you right on the tips of your toes and gets you askimg the serious question: "WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!?"

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this post and I'm so sorry this took so long to post; I won't get too personal, but where I am right now isn't exactly the best for a creative mind. Hopefully that changes soon, but time will tell.

Any way, I hope you all enjoyed this part. I'm so glad I can do an outro thing for this one!!😂😅

[postcards-to-home]

Split Seconds: 2019

Amongst the dozen or so strangers around me I sit nuzzled between rows 6 &8. Philly lies some 10,000 feet below. The engine purrs softly with each flutter my eyes drift effortlessly towards stillness under the perpetuating night sky.

In dreams I see the faces of those I’ve met haphazardly in my travels. The students I bond with over memories of cheap wine and late-night thrills at Manly corso; the elderly who sit and chat with me about their grandchildren and medical procedures; even the uber drivers who share their love affairs found from words with friends. It’s the everything in-between crisscrossing the unconscious mind.

My new life I remind myself is in constant motion and so must I be. Zig-zaging terminals I curse under my breathe, praying to the lord for an on time departure. With my best friend in tow, my dingy gray suitcase, my day is a constant uphill battle of avoiding my ankles and slow-poke people.  A love affair in the constant throws of “F*ck my life,” & “ I have the greatest job of all time,” (said no one ever).

Mentally I was trained for this. Laughably this entire year I have captured a total of 3 weeks combined training from the two firms I have been employed by- and I can say I think I’m doing A-ok. My 1st job out of college I learned its okay to decide if something is or isn’t right for you. Its 100% okay to move on too- and fast, if a better opportunity arises. It also taught me the value of obtaining strong leader figures in the office. Not necessarily how to be a manager but how to observe what works, how to engage with others effectively and ultimately how not too.

Mistakes are inevitable.

On my very 1st business trip to Hunt Valley, Maryland for whatever reason a conversation was provoked among an older gentleman and I and we chatted the entire way. Come to find out this sharp older gentleman was once the CEO of a hospital in the capital district; a professor at USC and was heading south to see family. The value from this conversation will always be intangible. It was  the 1st time in my professional life I was able to speak not only about who I am as a person, But I  had someone engage in a conversation with me for no other reason than pure interest, and in a non- creepy way. We spoke of antiques, my on again/off again ebay career and content of college curriculum. He explained he managed a young Entrepreneurs group on campus and worked with students to gain shareholders in their startups.

Before we departed ways he said , “Thank you for the lovely chat, I feel deeply that you will be successful one day with whatever you choose to do. You should feel really proud of yourself with hat you’ve accomplished.” (Paraphrased)

It was his words that propelled me into an orbit of motion, setting what would be the tone for the year. In that moment I etched realization into my mind that my abilities generate power I never was aware I held. There was my small voice-heard and admired. Channeling it to engage the right audience became possible after that.

I left my 1st job after just 6 months. Without any regrets.  I sincerely miss mid-day banter with some of my co-workers, but thankfully we still stay in touch.

The road leading to my departure was a rocky one. Still living at home, thankful for my parents gratitude and safe haven I couldn’t help but feel left out of the mix from my peers. While they rounded of  their senior years I was strapped to a desk sifting through excel spreadsheets. In no way did I ever want to back track into the college scene, making money is and always will be exciting. But doing what I was doing, well not so much.

I accepted a position as a Regional Manager for the institution I studied abroad at as many of you have recognized. I am sincerely thankful for the support received throughout this half of my journey this year. I travel, I meet with students both future and former, I do paper work sporadically and I idle at my desk when necessary. It has forced me to both think outside of the box as well as use my voice as the ultimate creative outlet and driving force for success. My soundboard-everchanging day to day.

Through my position I’ve managed to make student’s dreams come true a reward I’ll never take lightly. Its become my daily excitement to hear from students their own excitement about their journey ahead, even having the smallest footprint on their pathway to success has become gratifying in its own respects. Then there are my travels, though sporadic they have led me to meet old friends from my own time studying abroad and new friends alike.

The entire essence of meeting people has opened doorways never thought possible. The most delightful part of 2019 has been meeting others and hearing their own words of insight and stories they too long to share. Spending more time than intended on park benches with near strangers discussing their time in an indigenous tribe in brazil is just scratching the surface of my amusement. It’s a small victory for the once shyest little girl ever.

As I write this it has been 1 full year to the day since I have graduated. In that small span of time I celebrated the New Year in Iceland with two of the most important people in my life, Nick & Jay. We managed to survive Iceland in January, watch the fireworks at Hallgrímskirkja church on New Year’s Eve and not throttle each other after every petty argument, including the 20 minute screaming match that included phrases with “fiber one brownies” and “stupid , useless bitches.”

And then there was Australia. After visiting for the first time in a year in a half my heart felt fully mended. The winters chill couldn’t hold me from breakfast by the beach or wearing my heels to dinner with friends. Being reunited with people who changed my sense of self left that full circle feeling. Yes, quite literally I could have floated into the sun. That is until I had to venture home yet again and my whole world felt displaced yet again. I will live here one day I said outloud, despite what my dad whispers to my mom, “that will never happen.”

Even jay, My bestfriend came to Oz and fell in love with my world.Our trip in November couldn’t have been anymore magical. We soaked in the sun on the beaches of Noosa heads, swam in exotic Tea Tree Lake feeling rejuvenated and watched the sunrise at the Sydney Opera House. Skipping through the Royal Botanical gardens smelling flowers I knew life was grand. Nicole Reine was the Queen on the moment, just like my name says. To have jay wander through the castle I lived and Worked in let nothing but utter giddiness in me. Christmas came early and we couldn’t have enjoyed ourselves more. I will live here one day, felt firmer.

Some of my favorite moments were those sitting in the shed with loved ones after their returns from long journeys: Nick, Tommy, Grace and Emily. We all sat and shared stories from far away places as our minds melted to mush, the sun setting lower in the sky and the colors over Willard mountain fizzled from golden hues to cooling colors of the night sky. The small talks lingered near the kitchen table not on or next to but just around, the dogs lied close by, fading to sleep on the hard wood floors mom never could keep quite clean. It’s the comings and going that are hard to keep up with. But those moments always end as quickly as they come.

It’s a strange thing to realize the moment you leave your childhood home it will never be exactly how you left it. The stars you won at an arcade in Myrtle beach and hung on your ceiling will eventually come down. The color of your walls once chosen with excitement, will be painted over with fresh shades of cream your mother likes. And the emptiness of what once was but never will be, will swallow you whole. I realized this sad feeling creep up as I lay on my empty bedroom floor with my mom and dad huddled tightly around a pile of buttons. Not justa a pile but a ginormous, 40 pound pile of buttons once held safely in their jug, now shattered sharply amongst us. That’s what happens when you leave. Everything shifts, and somethings just can’t handle that. But I sure am sad about that jug of buttons, it was a lifetime labor of love collecting them.

There’s no jug of Buttons in our house on Center Street and im beginning to feel okay with that. Gramma’s blue oriental rug keeps our living room feeling nice and cozy. A small reminder she would have adored the space Jay and I call home.I can almost picture her now tinkering with my knick-knacks on the shelves, just ever so slightly so we wouldn’t notice. Marissa comes and goes as she pleases and the porch never does stay dirt free. I now see why mom’s kitchen floors never could stay clean. Its not Herrington Road but I’ll take it

[the-lost-girl-in-the-tardis]

Everything And More

Pairing: The Doctor x reader. Not specifying which Doctor. 

Type: Platonic

Warnings:None

Song: I see you- Missio

AN: So I hope you enjoy this. This is the first, well first Doctor who fic i’ve posted online. This was a spur of the moment thing so please don’t be to mad at the short length. I hope that this helps you all in some way. Let me know what you think and hopefully I can figure out the tags for the Doctor Who fandom.

I dug the heels of my hands into my thighs as I gazed into the space before me. The sky was kissed with a thousand and one stars. Little flecks of white splashed against a black background.Then there were a few that were close enough for me to be able to see the planets orbiting them. The Doctor had told me that one day we would see them. When the ground was a little more green and the sky a little less blue. 

I resisted the urge to reach my hand out in an attempt at a mock caress. The artist in me wanted to capture each and every swirling galaxy and shooting comet into a canvas. To smear a brush against the nothing-ness it holds and make a universe all my own.

Maybe then I could see myself as a little more than nothing.

I could hear the steady thrum of the Tardis behind me. The slow breathing like sound accompanied by a mechanical beating. It throws me back into a time from when I was little and I had fallen asleep against my fathers chest. Between that steady thrum and the site before me. It helped with alleviating my anxiety. Quelling any fears I may have had that day and brought with it some company.

The Doctor came sitting down next to me wiping his hands with an already greasy cloth. The only reason why I have been able to sit here was because the Tardis needed some repairs. The poor girl had gotten hit on a particularly nasty adventure that had included, but was not limited to, a talking shoe, a bad hallucination, and giant fusion cannon. Which of those were real i’ll never know. The Doctor pocketed a few tools before he glanced over at me. A faint smile spread across his face as he looked out into the scene before us.

“What has you so quiet today?” I shrugged my shoulders and folded my hands into my lap.

“Nothing. Nothing important anyways.” At that he frowned. For some reason the Doctor hated it when I said anything about me wasn’t important. Be it what I was doing or how I felt about something. Never understood that bit. Normally when I told people that it was nothing they would leave it at that. But then again, maybe that’s what the problem was. Everyone would ask you how you were feeling. Maybe why you were acting differently than normal. But that was it. It’s a ‘‘polite’‘ thing to do. Such as saying hello to that stranger or a ‘have a good day’ to a friend. No one really cared or would want to listen. So it’s just easier to say ‘it’s nothing’ and leave it at that.

Except for him. It was never left at ‘its nothing’ or ‘im fine’. I’m still not sure on whether or not I liked it. For one it helped get my emotions out. On the other hand it left me feeling vulnerable before a man who could do anything he wanted with this information. Be it helpful or harmful. The only one who knew what truly went on in my head when all was quiet around me.

“Now don’t say that. That’s right up there with the no running off rule. No shoving stuff off. Now.” He shoves his shoulder against mine lightly. “Tell me what’s going through that mind of yours.” I fiddle with a ring on my finger. Twisting and turning the thick piece of metal out of nervous habit.

“I..I.” I fumble with my words. I never have been good at explaining how I feel. But, to be honest, I’m more afraid of what he’ll do when he finds out about the thoughts running through my head. Will it make him leave me? Will he think less of me? 

Will the Doctor call me sick as well?

I don’t think I could tell you why I care about his opinion so much. Maybe it has to do with the fact that he’s absolutely brilliant. Seemingly un-flawed in every way. This was the man that had saved hundreds. He was the man those looked up to, put faith and their hope into. 

And then there was me. Stupid, frumpy, anxiety filled me. The one who got looked over. The one who was forgotten. The one who would always break down in their room after a bad adventure. I really and truly wasn’t much of-

A hand catches the bottom of my chin and turns me to look at the Doctors face.

“You always worry away at the ring when somethings bad.” His hand comes up to cup the side of me face his thumb softly rubbing just bellow my eye. “Please. Let me help.” But why? I took in a sharp breath of air and began to cry.

“M’sorry. M’sorry. Sorry.” My shoulders heave up and down as I began sob my fingers dig into my legs as I try to grab onto something. Anything to hold me down onto this world. Within the Tardis.  

The Doctor pulled me close to him and placed a kiss on the top of my head. His arms wrap tightly around me as I grab a hold of  his jacket. Gathering a fist full of the fabric into my hands.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. Do you understand Y/n? Never will you have to apologize, least of all to me.” He pulls back and cups my face forcing me to look at him. His eyes were intense and his lips were pressed tightly together. Little worry lines made home on his forehead and in the creases of his eyes. “You, my dear, are everything and more. Don’t let those thoughts over take you. Don’t let them win. I know it can be hard to fight then off, oh believe me I know.”  He wiped away the tears still spilling down the sides of my face.

“Don’t you see Y/n? This isn’t something you have to do alone. I’m here. I’m always here. The Tardis is here for you to. She cares. She knows.” I broke down all of my sorry’s dying before they could reach past my lips. 

“I know you feel small sometimes Y/n. I know you feel forgotten and lost. But you’re. Wherever you may go, however old you may get. I’ll always be here. So please, don’t cry. You are everything and more to me. It breaks my hearts that you think like this. So please. Let me fix it.” 

[bladekindeyewear]

Boots Reads Homestuck Epilogue(s) Part 15 - Candy Page 34

==>

John finally decides to let the relevance of his story end, and enjoy that he’s made at least some of his other friends happy with his choice.  Time to read Page 34...

VRISKA: Pfft, yeah, wh8tever. I’m basically Immortal, bitch.

Preeeetty sure you’re confusing yourself with one of your parents.

Pff, actual healthy kismesis with a Tavros?  Wow, we’re getting all sorts of redemption by not-really-Vriska proxy here.

HARRY ANDERSON: he’s always getting all weepy whenever i talk to him anyway. HARRY ANDERSON: i don’t think i could have taken another round of him choking back tears while apologizing to me about “what happened with me and your mother, harry.” HARRY ANDERSON: i mean, god. he’s not even fucking DRUNK when he does this. HARRY ANDERSON: that might actually be the most embarrassing part.

.......

Okay, having grown up with a father who suffered from serious depression and would break into tears embarrassingly easily, uh.  I can relate?  But also fuck you, that’s inconsiderate.

--Dammit, new Vriska is catching wind of old Vriska.

Vriska and (Vriska) both start shrieking at a pitch John’s only ever heard one time before. It was a sound that once accompanied the end of everything. A sound once heard the night he dreamt in anime.

Oh that’s brilliant.  If the entire Candy arc ended here it’d be great, though I know it’s not quite over yet.

==>

...Oh shit, we actually get to see what happens immediately next.

Interesting introspective thoughts!  Or, trying her best NOT to be introspective and failing.

Oh my god, SHUT UP Gamzee.  Vriska, just kill him already??

PFFF HE SENT A PIC OF IT TO KARKAT :D

Pfff.  Yeah, Vriska, TRY and ignore what just happened and how it was almost entirely your idea.

(Vriska) is so furious, she has no way of pinpointing the exact moment her intent stopped being intimidating him into silence and started being guaranteeing his silence, forever.

Thank FUCKING goodness, PLEASE kill him.

YAY he’s dead! :D  (Even though he’ll probably revive anyway because bullshit.)

Heheh. NOW we get a cross-Vriska heart to heart.

==>

Alright, a bit more John moping.  Man... this Candy section is a whole lot easier to swallow AFTER Meat than I imagine it would have been before.

.....heck.  EITHER of these epilogue branches are really fucking hard to swallow the first time around without the other’s context.

Oh huh, it’s his house from the Medium then?  Relocated and stuff?

Jake, hm.  Is Jake going to try and leave his son with John like that failed kidnapping in reverse or?

Jake snaps the elastic on his pair of red underpants. It’s the only thing he’s wearing.

Oooookay then.

JAKE: She had a certain way she liked me kipped out and well, i didnt want to bring anything that belonged to her when i left. Nothing she er, might miss. TAVROS: You took me,

Jake winces.

TAVROS: And,,, you took you,

Jake’s wince deepens.

Oh, so that’s what this is!  Jake fleeing with his son from an abusive relationship.  About gosh darn time.  .....geez, how bad did it get for JAKE to finally muster the gumption to do that himself after all these years???

Jake is one whole wince now

I know THAT feeling.  Or at least feel like I do.

John you dedicate your life to keeping this child happy

JOHN: it’s just been kind of a rough forever.

:C

JAKE: Maybe you should blame me? JAKE: Maybe i need someone to blame me. For once. JOHN: ...huh? JAKE: I think im starting to realize that ive been going through life with the mindset that nothing has ever really been within my control.

YES.

This is how Vriska broke Tavros way back in the comic, by constantly denying him agency.  Jake’s been battered down the same way too, and it’s not too late to pick up the reins.  He’s already DONE that by finally leaving his genocidal wife.

There’s a bit of Page of Hope-yness to this whole disastrous Candy timeline, come to think of it?  People fulfilling others’ desires out of obligation constantly, doing what they think others want?  Roxy, Jake, Dave and Karkat... all fucked over at the aggressive whims of more active folk, rolling over when they really shouldn’t have?  Or in Roxy’s case, her CHARACTER basically SHOULD NOT HAVE IN THE SLIGHTEST?

JAKE: Havent you ever wanted to let someone make the tough choices for you?

Huh.

Or maybe he is doing exactly what Jake has always done. In a certain light, isn’t ascribing all this mess to some unconscious influence he might have had over the metaphysical shape of reality just a way to brush off his simpler failures as a man and a father?

Yes.  You can act and change this too, John.  You almost did with the kidnapping before!  Go and take down the new Batterwitch.

Hm, Hopey thing?

JAKE: John. JOHN: yeah? JAKE: Take my hand. JOHN: what? why?

Oh shit.  Are they going to be able to FIX some of this BS with some sort of hopey thing??? :D  Probably too much to hope for but still!

Being flung from Jake’s orbit of Hope and Change

Pffff.  Had to throw in an Obama didn’t you.

...Oh.  Oh wow.  Oh we get to figure out what the fuck was up with Roxy all this time.  Oh boy.

JAKE: So what if it doesnt change anything? Wont it matter to your family to see you care? JAKE: Wont it make you feel better to try?

:D

Heheh, Hope aspecty stuff.  The ability to believe that something matters even when you “know” it doesn’t.

==>

...Yeah, it’s pretty easy to relax on a dead Gamzee.

Oh cool.  These Vriskas are alike enough to bond!  New Vriska is still in her teenage unbalanced go-for-it stage, and old Vriska has been knocked down a peg by the clown incident, putting them on a close enough level to not want to instantly disown each other, unlike old Vriska and ghost Vriska.

VRISKA: The Mayor’s dead, dude.

HOW did the Mayor die?!??  Did I just FORGET that from the end of Homestuck or something??

(I mean, probably.)

Callback to the clouds in that first Jade dream John had.

(VRISKA): Or may8e the truth just makes me kind of nervous. VRISKA: What “Truth”? (VRISKA): Don’t tell him I said this, 8ut, I think John is just an extremely powerful 8eing. Even when he sucks. (VRISKA): And he certainly does appear to suck in this reality. (VRISKA): And yet, the uneasy feeling is there. (VRISKA): It’s a vague feeling I’ve had in the 8ack of my mind for a long time, 8ut it really hit me when I was talking to him earlier. (VRISKA): It’s distur8ing to think a8out that much power 8ottled up in one stupid nerd who’ll never understand it. VRISKA: What Power are you even talking a8out? VRISKA: Like, lame Wind Powers? (VRISKA): No, I mean... (VRISKA): The power to shape reality. Even without intending to.

FUCK did he really cause all this??? Even the Roxy shit?!???  D:  D:  D:

It’s being left vague but it IS sounding like John was actually RIGHT about all that stuff.  FUCK, if the “villain” who messed up Roxy is actually just John’s subconscious...  :C

Even if the epilogue ends right here, though, with John about to call Roxy, I can imagine it working out, though.  It’s on a right enough track there.

(VRISKA): I’ve spent so long caring so much a8out what other people thought of me. Mainly that they saw me as important, or making a “difference.”

Mhmm mhmm.  Light n stuff.

Yeah, realizing that importance isn’t ALL that’s “important” is really, um.  Important.  Ahem.

Hm, other Vriska, that smile had seven pairs of dots, not eight.  :?

(VRISKA): The POINT is, I was so mad at her. (VRISKA): That happy ghost version of myself, who was free of everything. (VRISKA): I was pro8a8ly mad 8ecause she got to 8e who she really was, without stressing a8out it, which is something I never felt like I was allowed to have.

Indeed.

(VRISKA): I guess I mean there’s someone specifically I fell out of touch with, who it feels like I’ll never see again.

Too bad, only ghost Vriska got her reunite with ‘Rezi.  :P

(VRISKA): On some level I knew she was right. She was happy and honest with herself. And that’s what made her... (VRISKA): A version of myself who was actually worthy of someone I cared a8out.

Yyyep.  As I said.  :)

VRISKA: You’re just talking a8out The Girl You 8linded that one time, aren’t you? (VRISKA): Ummmmmmmm.

Heheh.  Yeah, you’re not going to hide that sort of thing from your sharp near-clone.

Oh cool!  She gets to see all those messages and feel turboguilt or something.

...oh shit.  Is a message going to actually get to her?  It-- oh shit.  Didn’t Terezi have her phone buzzing in her pocket and ignored it in the end of Meat or something?  Or at SOMEONE did and I thought it conspicuous but it didn’t get addressed in that side of the story and-- FFFFuck is she eventually going to see it or??!  D:

She’s GOT to have seen it before running all the way off with villain Dirk, right?? D:

==>

Okay.  You seem to be thinking clearly, Roxy.  What’s going through your head? Give us some answers.  Don’t fuck this up too much, John.

but she knows by now that it’s not her job to make him happy. That was something she gave up on years ago. But wanting to? That feeling is still as fresh as it always was.

FUCK was this all just a placid feeling of obligation to make John happy for all he did to ensure victory or something??? D: D: D:

She’s still working through what she feels about distancing herself from Jane

Yesssss

If he’s truly about to be real with her for the first time in forever,

Gosh fucking DARNIT John, you could have fixed all this DECADES AGO if you had a real talk with her ONCE!!!!!

ROXY: the more i thought abt it the more i figured holdin on to that one thing made me lose out on some other shit ROXY: u might relate JOHN: haha, you got me there i guess.

:c

JOHN: i’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how things got to be like they are. JOHN: i guess i’ll just come out and say it. JOHN: i completed fucked up your entire life. JOHN: i’m not going to pretend like there are two sides here. it’s my bad, totally. JOHN: like, not just what happened to our marriage, though it’s also true that that’s completely my fault. JOHN: but even before that... JOHN: i think i fucked up on just this massive, fundamental level, and it’s what i did— JOHN: or, well, what i didn’t do— JOHN: that caused every stupid bullshit thing about the way this world is.

...Huh.

That may not actually be true, and Roxy might be about to prove how self-absorbedly reductive that is.

ROXY: oh nah ill stop u rite there my man

Okay YES.  If this wasn’t him, then SET HIM THE FUCK STRAIGHT.  :D

She knows more than he does, and she doesn’t need to hear it.

TELL US TELL US TELL US

YES TEAR INTO HIM he’s wanted that for so long stand up for yourself and tell us what the fuck happened and why

He’s been looking at her, really looking at her, and she doesn’t want to blink, just in case that shatters it.

Yes because he was looking for the real Roxy that would call out his BS

JOHN: i used to be so angry that you wouldn’t tell me what you really thought, before. JOHN: not like i wanted to FIGHT fight, but like. JOHN: i’m just not used to this flavor of roxy. ROXY: hm ROXY: sounds to me like u just disproved ur own hotshot theory then genius JOHN: huh? ROXY: you wished i was one way the whole time we were married ROXY: but i wasnt

YES!!! Yes his theory’s disproven!  He never WANTED Roxy to just act that way, he wasn’t the cause of this, I was hoping for that!  :D

ROXY: i was bad at standin up for myself then and im learnin to be good at it now

D:

That’s....... sad, if that’s the explanation.  But it’s better than mind control I guess.  :(

JOHN: but... JOHN: you were never like that before i... ROXY: dude ROXY: where tf do u get off trying to decide what is or isnt me being “like me” enuff ROXY: do u think ppl stay the same their whole damn lives or what

Oh wow.  Now Andrew’s slamming SLAMMING of fanfics.  He’s saying “who are you to know for SURE that they wouldn’t act that way”??  That’s pretty good.

ROXY: i like the way things turned out just fuckin fine ROXY: so maybe u could stop wastin precious eternity thinkin ur so special that its ur fault everyones not perfectly happy

:’)

Mhmm, and they’re free from the heroic design arcs or what have you.  Or... were, until Dirk tore them back in again.  Tossed aside their fucking victory with his selfish... ugh.

Mhmm, Roxy’s the perfect person to explain that not being in a canon, Light-filled timeline isn’t really a bad thing.

ROXY: i just do things the best way i think to do em and then shrug n hope it works out?

Roxy thinks about time and the spirals of choice that hang just outside her periphery, and the vertigo grows.

Good advice, and hm.  Maybe there’s some Void sight kind of playing into this as well, making it easy for her to get paralyzed by indecision and she’s had to learn to work through it.

...Ooh, that was a really cool non-binary gender diatribe in the narrative text.  That’s some nice stuff.  I felt like that was missing from the Meat side, glad we got it here at least.  :D

JOHN: there’s literally nothing to do but keep moving forward. JOHN: i may as well not be a big fucking downer about it if i don’t have to be.

Thank goodness.

YES, JOHN SHOWING HIMSELF STRAIGHT-BACKED FOR HIS SON!!! :D

Man, I wish my dad had done that instead of all the other shit he did.  At least he’s dead.  :)

(Here’s a hint in case you’re wondering why I was relieved when my Dad offed himself.)

But that’s off topic.  Let’s wrap up this epilogue already!!

==>

Page 39... only three or so pages left, right?

Pff, Karkat’s keeping them safe.

Heheh, more shitty Liberty statues.

Heheh, using them for weapons caches.

Gosh I hope they actually love each other and are mostly happy.  Jade seems happy, at least.  :(

Dammit, there go the doubts.  He wouldn’t have had those doubts with Karkat. :C

He’s standing in the Oval Office of the White House.

Oh heck yes.  Please tell me...

And over there... is something he doesn’t quite recognize. It doesn’t seem to fit in. He steps closer to investigate, wiping away at the layers of moss and dirt to reveal a surface he most certainly does recognize. It’s a transportalizer.

YES

Dave doesn’t waste any time. You don’t find something like this in the Oval Office and start agonizing over whether or not to use it. He steps on the platform, and in a blink his surroundings are completely different. The centuries of overgrowth are gone, and he appears to be in some sort of crypt, boxed in by walls of smooth, golden stone. At the far side of the room, something is hanging on the wall, encased in a sort of display. It’s a mounted god tier costume, about the size an adult male would wear. He recognizes the symbol. It’s the same one Jake used to wear when they were teens. It is the symbol for Hope.

HELL FUCKING YES

YES OBAMA

OBAMA: Hello, Mr. Strider. OBAMA: I’ve been waiting a long time for you to show up.

Dave’s jaw hangs open. The legends have been confirmed. As well as several key headcanons of his. Without thinking, he drops to one knee and bows his head.

DAVE: m... mr president DAVE: its an honor sir

Man, forget my past stomach clenching.  Forget my hesitations, my turbulent emotions, all the ups and downs the various facets of these Epilogue chapters have given me.  THIS is the best.  THIS makes it all worth it.  This is the best thing to have ever happened, and if I ever feel any regrets about ANYTHING that transpired in the Epilogues, I’ll feel infinitely better the moment I remember it gave us THIS.

The most beautiful scene I’ve ever witnessed.  All my liberal, economy-ranting hopes and dreams confirmed.  It’s glorious.

OBAMA: Come on now, Dave. We can’t be having that. OBAMA: I’m nobody’s king. I’m a democratically elected representative who took an oath to serve his country and his people. People like you, Dave. OBAMA: If anything, I should be the one bowing.

OBAMA.  I MISSED YOU OBAMA.  I CAN HEAR YOUR VOICE THROUGH YOUR TEXT AND ITS SO COMFORTING AND UPLIFTING

DAVE: mr president what i mean is im a huge fan of yours and i hope this doesnt sound fucked up but on some level i feel like ive been waiting my whole life for this moment?? OBAMA: I know, Dave.

Yes, yes you have.  Yes, we can.

OBAMA: Most people thought I was gone. But I was keeping an eye on events. OBAMA: Wouldn’t miss it for anything.

I, too, would like to have the feeling that Obama is still out there, keeping an eye on things.  Watching, smiling... providing some last background of Hope as things seem so temporarily sour.  That feeling would be amazing.

...I mean he’s still alive IRL, sure, but not Obama watermark smiling lovingly from the sky or anything like it should be.

Yes, back to reading.  Back to this glorious, definitely canon moment.  The moment we learned that Obama was with us the whole time.  :’)

DAVE: sorry if this is nosy but if you didnt die when you disappeared then how did you die OBAMA: Most of that is classified, Dave.

Pfffffff  :D

OBAMA: When I was a boy living in Hawaii, on my thirteenth birthday I was visited by a mysterious stranger. OBAMA: He was an older man with a mustache. Kind of a corny, old-fashioned, adventuring type. He tried to convince me we were related. Of course, I thought he was full of shit. OBAMA: To this day, I’m not sure about that. Maybe he was. I didn’t think much of his tall tale at the time, but what did pique my interest was his story. OBAMA: He was voyaging all over the Pacific looking for a mysterious island, which supposedly had all the answers he’d spent his whole life searching for. OBAMA: During his travels, he set up outposts all over the ocean to help with his search. Such as one near where I lived as a boy. The outpost had a laboratory, an archeological dig site, a network of underground tunnels, the works. OBAMA: One time, I snuck in there and did some exploration of my own. Somewhere in the maze of underground ruins, I found a transporter pad, just like the one that brought you here. OBAMA: It sent me to a new realm. A place they called the Medium.

Grandpa Jake of Earth A, thank you SO much for bringing us this gift.  The gift of Obama.

OBAMA: Hey, why don’t we take a walk. You’ll have a chance to collect yourself. And there’s something I’d like you to see.

:O :O :O

I am shivering with anticipation.

Ah, leave it to Obama to help Dave with the final steps of his character arc.

OBAMA: Are you sure that’s all he is, Dave?

FIX THINGS OBAMA!!!! :D :D :D

Wait, what if Obama can turn things into an actually legitimate DaveKatJade?  That would be a miracle only a god of Hope could pull off.

OBAMA: I’ve had my share of doubts about all that, just like any other man. OBAMA: And I’ve had plenty of the same kind of struggles as you, Dave. DAVE: wait DAVE: you...

Obama nods, smiles wistfully. Dave arches his eyebrows high above his shades. They stare at each other, and in the look they exchange, they seem to say all that needs to be said between two grown men on the matter.

:’)

OBAMA: Believing is the key to understanding the truth underlying the words, the truth underlying the ideas they represent, and the truth underlying who we are as individuals. OBAMA: The power of belief, the power of Hope, that’s what endows that which is intangible, ephemeral, or uncertain with a sense of reality. OBAMA: It brings focus to the insubstantial, the mirages of the mind, the multiplicity of what is possible, of what could be, and isolates it—concentrates it—to turn it into that which is. OBAMA: And the result of that, Dave, is what we call truth.

I didn’t think we’d be learning more about the Hope aspect straight from the mouth of Barack Obama.

OBAMA: He taught me about many things. Combat, philosophy, life, love... DAVE: love??? DAVE: hold on are you saying DAVE: that...

PFFFFFFFF :D :D :D

OBAMA: She’s settled happily into the specific. That’s her path now. OBAMA: All of you have embraced that life, in this safely sequestered version of planet Earth. OBAMA: All of you until now, Dave. OBAMA: This is why you’re here. OBAMA: I believe you’re ready to wake up. DAVE: ...

:O

...this is suddenly possibly going to be getting slightly sad isn’t it.  D:

--Oh shit, so THIS is where Davebot came from.

How is he going to break things off with Jade though???  D: D: D:

...Oh my GOSH he’s just going to suddenly vanish and abandon her isn’t he.  D:

...alright, merging with his other selves, et cetera...

It defers to its greatest knight, risen anew.

Yeah that’s nice but am I supposed to pretend you’re going to say goodbye to Jade offscreen or

--ah that’s why the bot didn’t have shades, gotta use the genuine Stiller ones

==>

Page 40, and the start of this sounds a lot like the Postscript.  But we’re getting more this time, thank god.

ARADIA: when i watched as everything broke apart ARADIA: and got swallowed up by the black hole ARADIA: which is where i ended up too ARADIA: that black hole... ARADIA: thats basically you right JADE: yes. ARADIA: and when you speak of your brother ARADIA: thats lord english JADE: yes. ARADIA: and hes dead JADE: not just yet.

Oh shit.  John’s final blow didn’t kill Lord English did it.  Alt!Callie is going to strike the very last killing blow herself isn’t she.

JADE: lesser beings have so much trouble perceiving divinity in the uncanny.

Divinity?  Like, Lollipop-style divinity?  I mean, I guess this IS the Candy branch...?  But what made this so “perfect” to begin with?

JADE: this world, unlike the canonical horrors from which it is hermetically insulated, will always fail to meet the combined criteria for truth, relevance, and essentiality that would endow this realm with any real gravity. JADE: its own naturally occurring supply of gravity, rather than the artificial supply i have given it. JADE: as such, what transpires here is characterized by experiential frivolity. JADE: physically, it is cordoned off by the black hole’s event horizon. it is safe. untouchable. JADE: inescapable. ARADIA: that sounds ominous

Oh.  So this outside-of-canon timeline-verse whatever that Candy takes place in is like a trap?  For Lord English to be trapped in forever, inside not just his OWN story like we thought before but into a place where he’ll be forever irrelevant, while, like... the “Prince” and others following him for pursuit or camaraderie reasons manage to escape somewhere even different?  --No wait those people are OUTSIDE this place, in the “real” timeline/universe of Earth C. So Dirk’s destination is somewhere completely different; oh, and alt!Callie is the only one with the power to escape the black hole, to bring Davebot and Aradia with her back to quote-unquote “canon” or the closest thing to it to bring bastard Dirkbro down.

Or... something.

JADE: one could describe it as a phantasmal projection confined within my horizon. JADE: it was created by a choice that made it possible for that horizon to expand infinitely, to consume infinitely. JADE: and since that choice could not coexist with canon events, this place manifested to here to support its consequences. JADE: if this world were capable of anything either essential, relevant, or true in some stable combination, then it would perpetuate a corrosive paradox. JADE: as such, insulation from what is out there, and the inescapable well it rests in, is what protects all it holds inside. JADE: and since i am the embodiment of the black hole in which it rests, JADE: i am the one protecting this world.

Oh huh.  So when we saw alt!Callie creating the black hole out of the Sun, she was actually using John’s “choice” and his timeline split to engineer the paradox that drove that singularity’s expansion?  And so she’s going to be the lord and safeguard of all that is Non-Canon, and also seek to guide the heroes trying to save what IS Canon?

Hm!

JADE: physical destruction is one thing. JADE: obliteration of the entire canvas for all of reality over a given cosmic span is another. JADE: and yet there are even more insidious forms of destruction and subversion of life to consider. JADE: methods that are difficult to grasp for those on your plane.

Yep, destroying Heart.  Destroying Soul.  Destroying the uniqueness that drives individual agency and choices, and suborning people completely to your will and ideals without their consent or choice.

Hmm....

JADE: but longer stories have the power to draw consciousness into them. they possess arresting and hypnotic qualities which can be used by their tellers to alter the awareness of the listener.

Yep, like a biased narrator with their claws on the > prompt for characters.

JADE: i brought to your attention that the story you were listening to had a speaker with a specific identity. JADE: and where there is an identity, there can also be an agenda.

Yep yep.  And by commandeering the story to his own agenda, Dirk’s been robbing everyone of a fundamental right to their own existences.

JADE: this is the sort of corruption i now must dedicate my existence in this new body to ending once and for all.

Heck Yes; returning the narrative to as objective a speakerless-ness as can be attained or simulated, and divesting the bias from agenda’d narrators that can wrest all control from the participants in a story, enslaving them and making them the author’s puppets instead of true to themselves as characters, people, etc.

--Oh my GOSH, was Dead!Jade eating the remains of Lord English at the end of that Postscript???  She was, wasn’t she?  :D :D :D

That’s pretty fucking awesome.  And a pretty fucking fair fate for him to get cannibalized by his sister.

JADE: consume his body. JADE: absorb his essence. JADE: and then using this host, i will generate enough power to move beyond the staggering pull of the event horizon encasing this world. JADE: a prison of my own making, which can be escaped only through the supreme unification with my other half. JADE: it is crucial to the cosmos that i succeed. JADE: the prince of heart has to be stopped.

:D :D :D :D :D

Pretty awesome!  A decent setup to a story that probably shouldn’t be told, the implied sequel that Meat invites up or whatever.  And... oh phew.

Oh PHEW.

OH FUCKING PHEW. HOLD ON.

So.  The very last line of the epilogue, the last bit:

The hole leaves behind an absence in the sky so calm that continuing to call it a sky wouldn’t seem to do it justice. It’s a perfectly neutral expanse into which anything one can imagine might be summoned. And for a while, anything was. But not anymore. Where the hole gaped just moments ago, there now exists an imaginary line.

Above this line resides all that matters. Below exists all else. Never again the twain shall meet.

Okay!  :D :D :D

So, when I read that last line, I was INCREDIBLY disheartened.  I thought that Andrew was declaring that canon would never interfere with anything again, that this was the FINAL WORD on Homestuck and everything to do with it as far as canon was concerned, and that Dirk’s crimes and such would forever go unresolved and left to the imagination.

But that’s not what the line meant.

What’s INSIDE the singularity, and thus “under” the imaginary line, is everything non-canon, all the possibility and fanfiction and dead ghosts and such who are trapped in this safeguarded realm alt!Callie created to protect them, away from the influence of any future plot danger beyond the mundane issues they create for themselves.

And what’s OUTSIDE the singularity, above the line, is canon.  A canon which actually continues, and which this line doesn’t necessarily cut short.

I don’t know if Andrew will ever continue this nonsense, maybe to show me a Rose who’s actually happy as a robot or something?  But... er, that’s not the point.  The point is that even though the story “isn’t over”, it’s left so it CAN continue, so that the final state of these ISN’T a permanent cliffhanger to be left forever unfulfilled intentionally.  I’ll still be traumatized by the state some of these characters are left in, until Andrew maybe possibly chooses to resolve some of this nonsense with later content, which he probably won’t.  Heck, this actually might be easier for him to create a new work with, given how much baggage has been left behind on old Earth and in the singularity, so all you have is a much relatively smaller cast of characters on a chase to wherever Dirk is planning to go?  But, like.  When I read that Postscript, I stopped believing anyone I saw suggesting we’d get anything after this.  Any sort of work of... you know... continuing, er, Homestuckiness from Andrew, no matter what it was.  But even just... leaving it open even if he isn’t going to DO anything about it, and having that final line NOT be an aggressive cutoff?  Is just nice.  Nicer, anyway.

And this singularity is kept safe for us to enjoy ALL of the old stuff, the multitude of possibility that the in-singularity version of Roxy glimpses out of the side of her eye.  That--

Oh my Gosh.  THAT’S also what the final line means.

Above this line resides all that matters. Below exists all else. Never again the twain shall meet.

Homestuck fanfiction is now COMPLETELY FREE FROM CANON.

Within this singularity, nothing has to stay true to absolutely every underpinning of the earlier comic.  Nothing has to make sense.  Nothing has to be narratively consistent with anything else, though it’s obviously more enjoyable if it is.  Truth, essentiality, and relevance may all be FLEXED as much as any individual fanfic writer needs to!  And... and earlier, before this epilogue.  When we would get Snapchat stuff of the story on Earth C.  And even before that when all we had was the ending flash.  There was still a FEAR on many parts that there was more to canon that Andrew wasn’t telling us, that whatever was in our imaginations about what may have happened was “wrong”, that any fanfic you wrote was liable to be disproven formally.  But that’s not the case anymore.  Because with that line, with alt!Callie sealing off this realm and taking just a last few soon-to-be canon-impactors out of one of its timelines, Andrew has left ALL of the earlier trappings of Homestuck, of Earth, of all these characters and ghosts and fragmented possibilities, permanently free from canon influence from the rest of time.  Meaning no Homestuck fanfic that takes place in this singularity-granted realm may EVER be busted by Andrew’s future work.  He’s done what he first aspired to do when he declared all fantrolls in existence canon.  He’s finally “killed the author”.  He’s made the very FACT of an author an enemy, to be pursued in its own canon story outside of all this.  He’s set EVERYTHING free.

Wow.  So that’s what all the point of all this was, huh?  :D

Let me read the last few pages of Candy anyway.  Where was I again?

Oh, about to click the last page.  ==>

Oh my GOD.  This Postscript is about the end of MEAT, where the Meat Postscript showed us the end of CANDY!!!  :D

Let’s hear where this shit is all going!  I’ve been wondering what realm Dirk is actually heading towards to try and start fucking up.  Reading...

...Oh, okay.  I thought I glimpsed someone mentioning something about Rose “doing Dirk’s laundry”, and I thought I just missed some narrative comment on laundry made when Dirk took Rose out of the apartment on that final trip out to Jake’s for a spaceship?  But I guess this was the scene they were talking about.  Fuck you, Dirk.

One of her more reckless shipmates chipped a tooth trying one, despite repeated warnings to stay away from the stuff.

So Terezi IS there?  And probably received that final message from Vriska to think about.

It’s a stray ruby slipper. The other is about ten feet away, down the hall. No sign of their owner anywhere.

Yep, that’s definitely Terezi.

...Oh cool, Rose’s body isn’t quite dead?  She could be returned to it or a souped-up version of it if she’s ever brought to her senses outside Dirk’s corrosive influence.

A new planet is within sensor range. She studies the millions of statistics all pouring in at once.

They’re heading for a planet?  Somewhere else in Universe C?

It’s an M-Class planet. The right size, right age, right distance from the sun. There’s no advanced life yet. It’s exactly what they’ve been looking for all these years.

Shit, a NEW planet?  For all this shit to go down on?  Maybe I don’t need to see what happens next, that sounds potentially a little boring.  The future adventure this story entails COULD just be implied and never followed up on.

Once the new race has established

What race??? Human, hybrid?? It’s not TROLL, y’all would have brought Aradia if that was the case, right?  Or is this why there are tons of trolls in Universe C that Caliborn and Calliope’s parent trolls got to incinerate ages later, seeded across planets by these assholes?

The ones who get the chance to play what will arguably be the most important session in the history of Sburb?

Ahhh.  Okay.  So this may INDEED be something interesting, something worth seeing.  A new session, one where Dirk is the villain, Rosebot is enthralled, and old heroes are on their way to help see him thwarted.  Along with the mystery participants of a session we’ve yet to see.

Enough time goes by that she begins to wonder if he’s asleep. But no. It’s just the irritated silence of a man who knows he isn’t currently dressed well enough to attend to something important.

DIRK: Are my fucking pantaloons ready yet?

Yeah, fuck you and your anime pantaloons straight in the Yaois, Dirk Smartass.

Okay!

So that’s the end of the epilogue.  BOTH epilogues.  And... I like it.

I don’t know why.  I mean it was all excellent before, and my stomach’s still a BIT clenchy, but I like it now.  I misinterpreted things from the Meat ending, and now everything... everything makes a little more sense.  Some things seem resolved, others earned...

And... in a way I feel like I could actually oddly accept, even if there’s never anything that touches on this ever again...

It doesn’t seem “over”.  :)

[toby-stephens]

MAY 2018 : TOBY NEWS

‘LOST IN SPACE’:

By May 16th, it was pretty much confirmed there would be a Season 2 of ‘Lost in Space’, confirmed on 20th by Netflix twitter.

‘SUMMER OF ROCKETS’:

Also confirmed was a new BBC 2 cold war drama, ‘Summer of Rockets’ to star Toby alongside Keeley Hawes, Linus Roache & Timothy Spall.

This six-part series is set in the UK during the Cold War period of the late 1950s, a time when the UK, like much of the world, was dealing with the threat of international espionage and nuclear armageddon.

Filming has begun in and around London and Oxford, and it will be screened sometime in 2019.

The story will be Poliakoffs personal insight into this period and is set against the backdrop of Britain testing its first hydrogen bomb.

Executive Producer Helen Flint, a long-time collaborator with Poliakoff on productions such as Close To The Enemy, Shooting The Past and Perfect Strangers, said:

This piece set in 1958, is hinged at the pivotal point of world history where the past and future are pulling in equal strength and human beings, young and old have little control over the eventual outcome.

IN TOBY’S OWN WORDS:

On “Lost in Space”:

“I think they have been very respectful to the original series, but they smashed it out in their own way.  The thing is, one cant’ be overly reverential to these things because otherwise, you’re just remaking exactly what was already made very well.”

“I think John’s just trying to find his place within this family now. The idea is that he was confronted with the situation of his family going away and him never seeing them again unless he went along. Now that he’s come along for this ride, he’s trying to find his way back into the family, how to relate to his family, how to relate to Maureen, and how to work things out.”

“In my case, why I think it is fun and why I think it works is there’s something timeless about the original idea. The Swiss Family Robinson, obviously, is the original idea of a family in jeopardy. It follows the trials of that family, but also the emotional trials of how they overcome their problems and their weaknesses, because they have to confront them and overcome them.”

“That was then taken into ‘Lost in Space’. In the first iteration of that what worked is that you’re looking at a regular family and their problems, but in this extraordinary situation. It’s hundreds of light years away from earth in a space ship and on a planet, but they’re having the same regular, everyday problems of any other family. The irony of that is that dynamic is really fun. What we’ve done is we’ve updated it, so rather than it being this pristine, apple pie, American family, its a modern family with all of its dysfunctions.”

“We know every family has dysfunctions. There is no ideal, pristine family, and the Robinsons are one of those families. Just a normal family that everybody can relate to, but it’s in this extreme situation and you still get the ironies of watching a family deal with each other and their own problems in the way every family does that you can relate to, but in this extraordinary back drop of being on a planet thousands of light years away. I think that that trend still works and its fun.”

“The only reason to do something again is if you feel that you can say something to a new generation of people and you can do it in a totally individual way. You’re just taking the kernel of the original idea and re-doing it, but for now.”

“We can’t replicate what was done in the original show. It just wouldn’t work now. The tone of it is very different although it still retains some of the fun aspects of it, the comic stuff that goes on there, the light touch. I don’t think we could repeat what that show became.”

“I think the original pilot episode is much more akin to what we’re doing. As the series went on, it became if you’ll forgive this phrase campier and campier. It was almost like a sitcom, but in space. I just don’t think that that would work now. So, we’ve made it into something that is lots more for todays generation.”

“I think it’s really great that they did a gender swap. It’s actually a genius stroke because you cannot replicate what was done with that character in the original series. But Parker Posey is such an individual performer. She brings to it her own sense of wackiness and fun.”

"That is a reflection of what the original character was, but it’s very much its own thing, and I think that’s absolutely right. If you cast a man in that part, they would feel this pressure to replicate what was done in the original series, a moustache-twirling villainous kind of thing. I think it just wouldn't hold water now and it would just seem sort of arch.”

“In other words, I think what Parker Posey does is so much her own thing, and as it goes on, you realise that it’s a much more nuanced character in that there are reasons for her being the way she is. I like that you can get the fact that she is horrible and does terrible things, but at the same time, she’s a real and complex character.”

“I don’t have any interest in doing that at all. I love earth. It’s a beautiful planet, and I think, going to Mars, although it looks amazing from aerial photographs taken from orbiting satellites and things like that, and I’ve seen documentaries about it, but I think it’s a desolate, dangerous place, filled with radiation. It would be too dangerous going there, and so arduous.”

“I think that is one of the things that we show. There is a warning to this. The idea that we can trash this planet and then move on to another planet somewhere else, that there’ll be some other Goldilocks planet that we can go to, have it and trash that one, and then just keep on moving on, its crazy. We have to look after the planet were on. I’m all for space exploration, but I wouldn’t want to do it myself because I’ve got kids and a family and the idea would be terrifying to me.”

“The planet is presented to an audience initially as, ‘Oh, it’s so great. It’s got oxygen, so they can breathe. It’s similar to the Earth.’ But then as you get further and further into the drama, you realise there are more and more hostile things about this planet that are dangerous and there are reasons that there are storms with diamonds and deserts. There are astronomic reasons why this planet is like that, which then become apparent. Then they realise that they have to get off it. This isn’t somewhere where they can just set up their colony.”

“It is aspirational to me in that it’s about people trying to be better, in the best way that American shows and films sometimes do. When it doesn’t work, its because its super sentimental and glib.”

“This is about people who find themselves in jeopardy, but also they’re in jeopardy in their personal relationships, in the way that they relate to each other, and it shows how they overcome their own problems and weaknesses. They all do that in a very real way, so I think that’s aspirational.”

“Also, one of the things in watching this, the kids are so bright and so capable, especially the girls. One of the things I would like my daughter to get from this is how strong and capable the girls are, and how intelligent they are. They’ve worked really hard to be that way.”

“It would inspire me, if I was a child, to want to work hard and to want to be like that. Look, I’m not saying that TV should be life changing. It’s entertainment, but if it, along the way, inspires kids, or reflects good qualities, aspirational qualities, without lecturing people or being sentimental, I think that’s good. I think ‘Lost in Space’ does that to a certain extent, in a way that family shows should do, in a gentle kind of encouraging nurturing way, rather than patronising.”

Source: parade.com

“When I discussed it with Zack Estrin he was like, look, this is not an apple pie family. This is a family that is full of great people, but they’re damaged here. The relationship between the mother and father is dysfunctional. They’ve padded it, and it’s in disrepair and that’s part of the drama. Are they gonna be able to figure things out? How do they relate to one another? It’s an estranged father, who’s been away fighting wars and stuff like that, and he has become disconnected from his kids.”

“It’s just not very dramatically interesting to have a family thats always kind of fine. I mean, it’s dramatic enough that they’re in this life-threatening situation, but you add to the drama by saying they don't really know how to relate to one another and there’s this whole family dysfunction that they have to work out as well. And are they gonna work that out?”

“There’s something disingenuous about them being a family that’s perfect. Not only would it be dramatically boring, but it’s also just not true. We know anybody who has a family knows that it’s not perfect and that people make mistakes. But the thing is that these people, like everyone, are just trying to do better. And I think that that is something everyone can relate to, whether you’re a kid or you’re an adult.”

“One of the things that I really love about the show is that it’s aspirational. This family, they are, they’re people who are trying to be better and do good and to survive. And so it’s very, in many ways I think its a very cognitive show. And all these relationships in the end, while they’re complicated they are part of this. And we need that kind of, I think we need the kind of show like that because theres a lot of really depressing shows out there, which are fantastic and amazing, but they’re really depressing. And this is one has a really positive message and a kind of affirming message.”

“To be able to do what they wanted to do with this show, to kind of make it as magical to kids now as it was when it originally came out in 1965  it takes an organisation like Netflix that can throw enough money at it to achieve that. The kind of wonder and the kind of adventure. The scale of the adventure that they’re going for.”

“I think what I really loved about it was the kids are really intelligent. If I was a kid watching this I would go, I want to be as intelligent and as capable as that child. Im gonna work harder in school. Im gonna really try and work hard at math. That’s great as well. So I like that, the fact that the kids, to some extent, end up helping out the adults. Its a nice dynamic.”

“The kids need that adventure and the fun. But then the grown-ups who are watching the show need to care about these people as well and enjoy the show on a different level. So we were kind of like, that part of the show is for the grown-ups. For them to relate to these people and to identify with them. To go, I know what thats like. I know how difficult that can be sometimes."

“I really love working with Molly. We actually had a lot of dialogue early on, both together and with Zack Estrin, about just figuring out exactly what their relationship was. Because when we were talking, we were both like, This marriage has to seem real to people; otherwise people just aren’t gonna care.”

Source: indiewire.com

“One of the relationships I though was really quite clever is not between Will and the robot, but between John and the robot. The fact is the son chooses the company and protection of the robot above his own father.”

Source: thetimes.co.uk

“If it’s going to be a family show, then the families have to recognise themselves through the screen. We had to present normal families, and modern families are all complicated.”

Source:  dailynewsegypt.com

“There's this sort of thing of, ‘Oh, why are they together on this thing if they’re separated?’ It’s like, If you don’t take me with you, I’ll never see my family again. So theres that reason for him being there”

Source: io9.gizmodo.com

“They sent me the script and I was dubious, at first. I said, ‘Lost in Space’? They’re reviving that?! They tried to do that with the film, and it didn’t work. And then, I read the script and I actually liked it. The thing I liked most was that they were pitching it at such a great level. It was sophisticated enough for adults to watch and really get something out of it, and yet it had this fantastic adventure quality. What I really liked about it is that the kids are intelligent and its aspirational. If I were a kid watching this, I’d be like, I want to be that bright and that capable. And it doesn’t get ridiculous. They pitched it at the right level. And I felt that Maureen and John were real people. I like the way that they were written and I liked the fact that it was a relationship in trouble. They’re trying to figure out how to get along and how to deal with not only this extreme situation that they’re in, with extreme jeopardy and the terror of that, but also figuring out how to work things out between themselves. Thats what sold me on it. They seemed to be a family that people can relate to because its not some apple pie family that just doesn’t exist. They’re fallible human beings, who are trying to be better.”

“Like most kids, they’re all completely different from one another, and they have different strengths and weakness, just like normal kids in a family. It’s about how you cope with that. All of those different dynamics that happen seemed real to me, they're just in these extraordinary circumstances.”

“It’s brilliant! It’s one of the reasons that I love doing what I do. You can do something so entirely different, not only in its context, but also in its whole feel. I had done ‘Black Sails' for four years and it was a really tough journey for me. I know it sounds slightly pretentious, but I really was wrung out, by the end, by the whole experience. It was an amazing experience, but Ive never worked that hard, in my life. There were long days with extreme conditions, filming in South Africa, and you had to go from massive physical set pieces to doing intense dialogue scenes. You’d go from one extreme, of being beaten up physically, to another extreme, of being beaten up mentally. So, when this came along and I started doing it, it was a relief to me. With ‘Black Sails’, Flints journey and options were narrowing down and it was inevitable, what was going to happen to him. With ‘Lost in Space’, it seems to be opening out. Its about people trying to survive and trying to be better people and fighting to be alive. Flint had a death wish. After four years, that was really dark. It’s just a really nice juxtaposition to ‘Black Sails’, which I miss, enormously, but it felt like I was on holiday with ‘Lost in Space’. Although, like any job, ‘Lost in Space’ had its own pressures, but they weren't the same pressures that I experienced on ‘Black Sails’.

“His relationship with the kids,  that was a wonderful journey for me, as an actor. I really enjoyed playing that. As the season progresses, the robot becomes this surrogate father and protector for Will, who’s physically frightened. The irony is that Will has this father who is very brave, and who’s gone off on done all of this fighting in war, and he’s very capable, himself, but he’s nervous and frightened. So, the robot becomes very protective of him, but at the same time, threatens John. His son has to go to a robot to get what he should be giving him, and thats painful for him. The realisation that he's missed out on an enormous amount of his kids childhood and not being there for them, and trying to make up for that and connect with them again, is a very moving thing to play.”

“Initially, John is very distrustful of the robot. It’s a real problem because you need the robot in this extreme situation, since he seems to be able to help you, but at the same time, what is this thing goes berserk? You just don’t know what he's going to do. And as the show goes on, you realise that there are more reasons for him to distrust this thing. The whole thing is a great journey. All of that is really fun to play.”

“The biggest learn for me, that I’ve never had to do before, was doing all of that spaceship acting, sitting in the pilots chair and knowing what all the buttons do. That was such fun. While you’re doing it, you’re going, What am I doing?!, and then you have to remember what you used the buttons for, the next time. Being on a spaceship, throwing yourself around, I had a blast. You have to pinch yourself, once in awhile, and go, What am I doing?!”

“Yeah, the spacesuit was pretty uncomfortable, I have to say. One of the things I most enjoyed about the shoot, because it was so refreshing to me, was working with the kids. One becomes a bit jaded. Its easy to fall into saying, Oh, this spacesuit is so uncomfortable! But when Max Jenkins is jumping around going, This spacesuit is so cool!, it’s so refreshing. It’s so refreshing to be around that enthusiasm. It’s infectious. It was so great having the kids around because it just made you realise how lucky we were to be doing what we were doing.”

“We had a little bit of rehearsal time, but it was just a little bit. Max is such an easy kid to get to know. He’s just so open, and his parents are adorable. We couldn’t have lucked out more with the children that we got because they’re really great kids. They’re really open, really friendly, really open to having a great time, and up for learning. That just makes things so much easier. Im assuming that things can go very differently. We were incredibly lucky. All of us just really got on well and working with them seemed very natural. There didn’t seem to be any process that we had to go through. It just happened very quickly.”

“Molly and I spent a lot of time with Zack Estrin, talking about their relationship. If this isn’t a real relationship and a real family than nobody is going to care. The relationship has to be real without being depressing or sentimental. It has to be something that people can relate to. Especially because this is a family show, grown ups have to watch this, so it has to be sophisticated, as well as incredibly fun for the kids. We need grown ups and parents to be able to relate to Maureen and John and their problems and aspirations. What made it really great fun for me was working with Molly because she’s such a great actress, and we have that back and forth, both on screen and off. Their relationship feels like these are real people. Whats kind of funny is that the romance of the whole thing is really them. They’re the romantic couple. You want them to figure it out because they’re good people. If we’re lucky enough to go again, it will be interesting to see where they take John in Season 2. The other thing that I really enjoyed was working with Max and exploring that relationship, which to me is very real. I spent a lot of time away from my family, filming in South Africa, so I knew what it was like, being away from your family for a long time and feeling slightly out of place when you come back into it and trying to figure things out. I could really relate to that relationship, between John and Will. My son is about the same age as Max, but maybe a bit younger.”

“Interestingly, I would say that he creates the strongest bond with his son. He works out a lot of stuff with Maureen, but the greatest distance he covers is with Will. The last four episodes are really lovely, for me. John is also a slow burn. You don’t really get to know him that well, for awhile. It takes awhile to figure out his agenda, and whats going on between him and Maureen. It takes a long time to figure him out, but once you see what he’s trying to do, the last four or five episodes are really nice. It really is a journey for him. He does things wrong, but it’s because he’s clumsy. He doesn’t quite get it right and he misjudges things a bit. He’s too tough because he’s used to giving orders to people. Hes an army guy, so it’s all about training and execution for him. He has to relearn what empathy is, and how to deal with these kids without being this grumpy soldier.”

“Yeah, my kids did come, a couple of times, and they got on really well with Max, Mina and Taylor. And Mollys son came to set. It was really nice. It felt like a very family-oriented show, and they all hung out together. It was a really nice feeling and very relaxed.”

“Molly and I were quite adamant that the stakes had to be real and the threats had to be real. As an actor, the only thing you have is your instinct and your imagination. Those are the two main tools that you use. I didn’t really enjoy putting myself in that situation, where you are the person and your kids are under threat, but you had to give it that intensity. Of course, if it was real, I probably would have died. I would have had a nervous breakdown within an hour, but these characters can manage it. Obviously, one has to imagine what that would be like.”

Source: collider.com

“I was seven years old when ‘Star Wars’ came out. That just kind of blew my head off. ‘2001’, ‘Blade Runner’. All of these, all of the stuff like that. This is the one genre I completely expected to be in.”

“The character of Captain Flint, who I was playing, was a very nihilistic character that was on this kind of tragic course toward death. So to get something so polar opposite was really fun. It just sort of ended up being the perfect antidote to having done something like ‘Black Sails’.”

Source:  indiewire.com

"The thing I admire in John is that he is somebody who knows that he has got it wrong, and he's trying to put it right. Not only for his relationship with his wife, but individually, his relationships with his children. He's trying to not only save their lives, but he's also trying to do the right thing. And I think that's what I really like about this series, is that it's something that is aspirational without being sentimental. It's about people trying to be better people and trying to do the right thing."

"I think that that's something we kind of need right now, because the world is really depressing at the moment, and things are really frightening. You watch TV and a lot of it is really depressing--and brilliant--but pretty much depressing. And I think what's nice is you can get lost in the adventure of this, but also these are people who are trying to be better. And I think there's something uplifting about watching that."

Source: gamespot.com

"Will is quite insecure, his confidence is not great”

Source:  digital spy.com

On inequality in Hollywood:

"I think the movements are great. I am a parent of two girls and I have a wife who is very passionate, and I want a change for them, my wife and for all our friends”.

"I can only sympathise with and support the movement. Change needs to happen and it is mad that it has taken so long”

"It is a correction. It is really needed at the moment. Being a parent of two young girls, I am really excited about a show that has two young girls who are represented as incredibly capable, strong, smart, and sassy.”

"It is really great that there is a show which is showing that. I am excited for my kids to watch that and excited for the whole generation of kids to watch those characters and aspire to be like that.”

"There are moments which are light. Also, what is fun is that it is taking the domestic situation essentially and putting it in space.  So, there are these situations that occur and every parent or child will recognise... They have either been through that or seen them. But it is this extraordinary situation where they are million of years away from Earth which makes it different.”

Source: business-standard.com

On ‘Summer of Rockets’:

“It’s great to be working with Stephen Poliakoff again after such a long time. I loved working with him on ‘Perfect Strangers’; he’s such a unique and original voice in British television. It’s also good to be filming something back home in the UK for the BBC. It’s been a while.”

Source: deadline.com

OTHERS ON TOBY:

Maxwell: “I’ll never forget going up on top of the glacier. My scenes with Toby where we were walking in the snow, weren’t green-screen we were on a real glacier! We had to take a one-hour and 45-minute ride on a snowmobile to get there.”

“It was cold but sunny, and Toby didn’t think of getting sun protection. The following day, he had sunburn above his eyes and under his nose, and the glass of the space suit charred half his face.”

Source: entertainment.inquirer.net

[ace-of-sspades]

Okay okay so I finished this in class the other day somehow. And due to the lack of sleep and emotional toll of having to pause a crime thriller every five minutes as to not get caught watching this in class, I could not process my thoughts.

First off let me just say it was good, like I have not stopped thinking about it in three days, please go watch this show.

Im not going to review the show but I am going to tell you what it reminds me of.

- Broadchurch obviously, same depth, same dynamics. It’s broad church with Chris Evan’s instead of David Tennent and I told my therapist this and he said “sounds like an upgrade” that’s not relevant but I found it funny.

- Twilight but partially the blue washed out filter, if you liked that vibe then man you’ll love this show. Also Chris has the perfect eye color for all the moody washed out close ups, god damn

- The song Happier Than Ever by Billie Eilish. Particularly the “yOU mADe mE HaTE ThIS cITy” idk it’s relevant to the plot in a way.

- The book Orbiting Jupiter, this was read aloud to me in 7th grade and I could not tell you the plot but the vibes are the same.

- The movie 8th grade directed by bo burnham. Idk it nails adolescence in the same way, like definitely realistic pretrial of a 14 year old

- Oh and the mom and sons performance were both very good. The son gave me male version of Wednesday from the Adams family vibes and the mom was very Winona Rider in Stranger Things.

So yeah if you like any of that (or Chris Evan’s obviously) please give it a watch.

Now for the actual substance of this post because we all know I didn’t watch this show for the plot.

First off the dad theory, I’m going to chalk this up to circumstance. I have not been tried for murder but I have been close to the death of someone I didn’t like and so I think I just related to the son a little too much for comfort especially in the first few episodes. No shade to my dad or anything

Okay now that that’s out of the way. HES REALLY FUCKIN HOT. The problem is the only thing I can discern for certain is I am very intensely aesthetically attracted to him. And it’s not that it doesn’t go any further it’s just that I do not know how to relate to those feelings. Like I have no desire to be in his wife’s position here, and the only way I can even entertain the idea of physical attraction is to just turn off who I actually am and be fem!reader, ya know. And so does it really count as sexual/romantic attraction if I can’t picture myself in any sort of relationship. Like yeah he’s pretty and yeah I want to kiss him to some extent but anything beyond that I am no longer me. Do I like him in a gay way? Maybe? It doesn’t fit quite right, and maybe that’s some internalized homophobia but here’s the real mindfuck

In any situation where he is interacting with people I want to be him. And like I know that is vague but I mean like, I know I do not want to date someone with anger issues but as someone who feels really angry a lot I wish I could handle it in the same way his character does. Get it? Like god I wish I could wear a long sleeve muscle T that shows off massive biceps and I wish i could then grab a crow bar and go threaten my families stalker on the street. But alas that appearance is not feasible for me nor would that action be perceived in the same way. And I wish I could have the same energy when I’m upset, not that I want to grab someone by the collar and throw them against a wall but also I really wish I could do that in the same confidence and inherently masculine way he does in the show. And here’s the really confusing part. If I was a parent I relate much more to the “I’d do anything for my kid” father figure that Chris plays in this show. Like idk I’ve always pictured myself as a dad rather than a mom and this is just like seeing a portrayal of fatherhood and going “YES, that’s exactly it”. I know it’s trivial but I wish I could have the relationship with my emotions that he does, like he only cries at the climax of the show but I’m cursed being an angry crier, and would be breaking down every second in his position.

I’m not saying I want to literally be Andy Barber, I’m saying I relate to the very real human emotions at the basis of the show and I relate to the want to act on those emotions in the way he does and it’s frustrating that I’ll never attain that perception even remotely close due to my appearance and the way society views me.

TL;DR help I am still confused but also pls watch this show it’s so good.

Someone stop me I’m about to go on a Chris Evan’s binge just to figure out why I find him so god damn pretty. Defending Jacob, Knives Out, Snow Piercer, anything I can get my hands on because I can not for the life of me figure out why I watch several hours worth of edits of him on a daily basis. Am I attracted to him? Do I want to be him? Only time will tell at this point.

[tombombadilcankickyourass]

SCREAMING INTO THE VOID--my thoughts on the last 8 months of my life as written in insomnia induced moments of mania....

1 MONTH (JANUARY)

Today marks a month, and im still not ok. I miss him. I love him and I wish I wasnt so set on marriage. If I could get over that, we could have been happy. Everybody keeps telling me to get over him, its been a month, you should be fine. but hes my best friend. He knows everything. He knows about my uncle beating me and my foster brother molesting me and my father being in prison and that I have a juvenile taste in books and movies, and that I get nightmares when im not with him. He knows more than anybody else in my life ever has. He knows the things that I would never tell my parents, or my sister. He knows everything. How am I supposed to just be friends with someone who knows everything? And how am I supposed to not be in love with him anymore? He has been the sun I orbit around for the last 3 years. I cant go back to seeing him on a regular basis. I dont want to talk to him and have to avoid saying certain things. I dont want to be talking to him and not be able to reach over and touch his face. I dont want to text him not not be able to send I love you. I cant handle it. I feel like im always on the verge of crying and I always feel like im about to have a panic attack. I dont know how im supposed to deal with it. I try to avoid thinking about him at all, but I cant even do that. I feel like I need a holiday. I need a few days in a hotel where I dont have anything to think about or worry about and just cry and figure out who I am without him. Its not fair. He can just go back home and hang out with his family and his friends. But I ave up my family for him. I knew that my family would freak out if I told them that I had sex with him. Or that I lived with him. Or that I dont believe in their God anymore because of him. But I gave up the security of my family for him, to be with him and he will never understand what I gave up. I gave up my beliefs, my body, my heart, and my comfort to be with him. I gave up everything. And now im alone with my cat, crying myself to sleep, on the few night s that I sleep at all. Im going to break soon and I dont know what that means for me when there isnt anybody to think of when I have the break down. I cant stand going to work everyday knowing that im going to come home to an empty bed again that night. I feel like running away and never coming back. I feel like hurting him. I feel like hurting myself. I feel like I want to scream and cry and I just dont know how to handle anything right now. I don think ive ever been depressed this bad in my entire life. I dont know what to do. Im drowning and I cant see the surface of the water anymore. I dont know what to do anymore.

3 MONTHS (MARCH)

Its been 3 months since you left. I still think about you and miss you. But I've come to terms. I think im becoming my own person. I realize how much I used you as a crutch. Im growing up. I'm embrasing myself. My geeky my cosplay my shows. Im not gonna take shit from anybody trhis time.Ive been through a lot of shit in my life. You know that. But I finally feel like ive come into my own. I go go to work every day, and hate every second but its my decision. I have a roommate. He keeps to himself. He seems nice. I dont worry about having him here. I've started dating again. I have a tinder. Ive been out with 3 people. I think that I might like one of them, but he's ignoring me. Im better then that tho. I know that im gonna find a guy who is head over heels for me and will do all the cheesy shit that I hate everyone else for. I have all of my posters up and I keep everytging pretty much clean. That was never something we were good at together. Im not in as dark of a place as I was 2 months ago. Im still depressed of course, that doesnt go away, but im not in that horrid black evil place where I just want to die any more. For the most part im happy. I spend too much time on my computer, and my phone waiting for texts that never come, but im also doing projects and just little things to keep me busy. I still dont go outside, but its still a bit cold. You know how much I hate being cold. I know that you come home from florida soon. I dont think that im going to try to see you. I saw your sisters the other day. It wasnt as weird as I thought it would be. I hugged both of them and asked about the family. Ive done pretty well advoiding contact with sylvia and pauline and bethany. I always used to run into them but im doing all my shopping at winco. I hope when you get back we dont end up there at the same times. Im listening to music again, and I dont hate y0u anymore.

8 MONTHS (AUGUST)

Its been 8 months and im happy. I have another cat now, her name is maggie. I see you from time to time and I dont feel anything when youre around. Im finally coming to terms with who I really am. Im a biromatic asexual female. Im dating a girl, but that isnt serious. I love my new job, that I got in june. I have a new roommate who I get along with fabulously. They are an agendered person and I adore them. They work at an all natural grocers and make me eat decent food. I still have my dark days, I always will, that was never about you, but im not cutting any more and my scars are faded. Of course, you never knew about that anyway. Im drinking more beer and less tequila and whiskey. Which I think is probably good, because of the lower alcohol content. Im wearing what makes me feel good and I dont really care what other people have to say about it. I feel like ive been through hell this year but im evolving and becoming a person that I can be proud of being. The year started with us breaking up, and my world was destoyed. Then, I did the tinder thing for awhile, needing the physical comfort, then, I got a roommate who I hated but was in desparate need of for the money, then I quit my full time managerial job at the bakery, for a part time position at a bank. Then my grandmother died, completely unexpectedly, and my roommate moved out. Then when I got back from my training classes in Vancouver we found out that our branch is closing.     But I finally feel like this year is going to turn around. I have a good roommate, 2 cats, they are giving me 40 hours at the bank and I dont have toxic people in my life. Im building my own little broken family of queers and oddballs and I dont feel completely empty. Im finally realizing that I dont need anyone else to get by. I can survive whatever the Powers That Be throw at me. I AM ENOUGH.