#oh god i am tired
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AT LAST , I HAVE FINISHED MY ART PIECE
So yessss , i finished my drawing of Chef Vee @sl-vega up them fics (smells good) and i have to admir a few things:
1. I haven't made a full rendered drawing in MONTHS
2. The entire drawing is just rendering i literally did a sketch in one layer and then did everything else in another layer (yes everything in 1 layer)
3. It was defently a matter of "trust the process" cause i liked the outcome
4. Lastly , the next drawing will be of their majesty @slay-anon (probably gonna insert myself lol-)
Anyway , this was the result ,hope you like it Vee!!<3
#oh god i am tired#finally finished my semster#probably gonna look up some refrences and do the slay anon art tommorow
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wahoo finished this in time for superbat week day 5: tired dads!!
#superbat#superman#batman#batfam#superfam#bruce wayne#clark kent#dcu#dc comics#kara zor el#conner kent#jon kent#damian wayne#dick grayson#jason todd#tim drake#barbara gordon#cassandra cain#stephanie brown#duke thomas#my art#mine#oh my god i am tired just like they are these two have too many children!!!!!!!!!!!!!#yes i am stretching the definition of children but consider this:#i wanted to draw kara and barbara and steph and whoever else is technically-not-actually-their-child
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to anyone missing my writing please know i am also missing my writing
#about me#long span depression episode#plus tired#plus family issues#I'm looking after myself but I do miss just being able to get the words down#writing#right now I am also ill so that sucks#but hey#got an autism diagnosis a few months back which explains so much#oh god 10k notes
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"but why do you even ship them-" IT BRINGS ME JOY AND WHIMSY!!!!!!!
#sonadow#kerdly#capsei#valgrace#superbat#hijack#revalink#sidlink#shellshocked#leosagi#bagelbites#tenrose#god i am so tired#also i'm just noticing that most of these are mlm ships??? i'm not fetishizing them i swear but wtf is up with that#for some reason literally every wlw ship is leaving my mind#um. um. OH#harlivy#karababs#uhhhh#wow it should not be this difficult to think of women#suselle#bubbline#zelink#okay i think that evens it out a little bit#“bUt LiNk IsN't A gIrL” stfu
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it's here! the cow base!! it's done!!! EASILY the biggest base i've made so far, and i'm really really proud of it!! now............................... go forth and bring more beautiful cow furries to this beautiful earth
#also uah. i always say this but reblog especially so appreciated#i need my bases/patreon/kofis to carry me this month as much as possible bc i wanna!! catch up!!! and i cant catch up if i keep taking on-#more work to make rent!!! rauurugh#BUT. more happily joyful smile. cows!!!! oh my god cows#i am a little tired of looking at this canvas but im rlly rlly proud of myself for getting it done. and theres a lot of options! :0D#my art#furry#fursona#cow#base#p2u#kofi#bovine#cattle#highland#fat#fatfur#chubby#top scars#female#male#nonbinary#adrogynous#idk what to tag. how would u categorize this. i just made body types none of these are labeled as female or male in the actual base#make a cow. do it now#anthro
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trans guy needs help
[26/11/24] hiii I'm Kacper, a 24 yr old trans guy whose life just keeps falling apart. I'm behind on bills and the most important ones rn are £170 and £450 respectively which is money I straight up do Not have. My work is still not giving me the best shifts and I'm getting stressed the hell out cus I'm consantly teetering on the fear of homelessness, which I'd rather not go through again. I also need some spare money for groceries on top of that so uhm. uh. fuck my life!
P-PAL > HERE KO-FI > HERE
#im SO TIRED OF THIS OH MY GOD I HATE ASKING FOR MONEY#but like tf am i to do#ntm i STILL need root canal
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Happy womb escape anniversary @cakesmelons !! Your getting old !! Anyways I dunno if this is a great bday present I just associate u with Dreamtale so that's what you get anyways I think I signed a contract with the devil one way or another because I am. Dying. And have been dying through the process of creating this. Anyways hope ur having an incredible day !! I am now to go to bed
Oh and the bonus; me taking you to some timeline where nightmare kills dream<3
#cakesmelons#Dreamtale#oh god not the tags#sans au#utmv#undertale au#lord save me#dream sans#nightmare sans#sighs the strong physically and the strong mentally#a great pair of brothers truly that I wish could just sort their shit out because oh my god you two r pathetic#UwU#it's been a while since I've put a watermark on my pieces....#Guh dream is so pretty#I recognise I am tired because now my thoughts are all fluffy
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phinktober day 11: ur fav AU
i dont rlly do AUs so i just drew them how i wish they would dress xo
(dan’s tats r carnations and snowdrops and phil’s r roses and honeysuckle. for no reason 🤗)
ALSO bonus version w makeup bc i couldn’t pick <3
#soz copied caption from twt i have been drawing for 7 hours straight i need to drink water eat something take a piss and a shower and sleep#no braincell rn#goodbye it is wine time#hope yall like this idfk what people what these days other than ship art but im not doing that so sorry no knights fucking for you#just me making them look like me bc i’m a narcissist etc#god i am way too tired to be yapping rn i have no filter whatever ABYWAY HASHTAG DANIPHIW#art2 and craft2#dnp#phanart#dan and phil#daniel howell#amazingphil#dan howell#phil lester#phinktober#punk edits irl come back to me please#i’m missing a fkn hashtag i just know it whatever i don’t CARE im TIRED i have eaten nothing but half a jar of picked today i feel so goblin#idk why i tunnelvisioned w this piece it’s not even that good or detailed LMFAO#actually the tattoos were a BITCH and also made me sad bc of my whole failed tattooing career etc#OH MY GOD WHY AM I YAPPING SO MUCH SOMEONE EUTHANISE ME#good NIGHT !!!!!!#pickles not picked btw but i’m not retyping all of that#now i’m sad bc i’m out of pickles and it’s 10pm and everything is shut:( hate my stupid gay life
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some death mark sketches! somehow I missed the death mark 2 announcement trailer entirely??? belatedly, I’m excited to see that daimon will be showing up in dm2 🥳
#death mark#I am too tired to fight autocorrect on their names right now so I will add those tags in the morning#stop…..changing daimon to daikon…please………..#anyway. he’s my favorite guy. I want to feed him. soup.#I feel like this character was made to push every button in my brain like oh my god hello#kazuo yashiki#shuuji daimon#daimon shuuji#yashiki kazuo#spirit hunter death mark
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Every time someone in this godforsaken fandom says "I think we've talked about misogyny enough" I want to hit them with a hammer. No we haven't.
We haven't even talked about the deep "Ruikasa&Akitoya Vs. literally everyone else" imbalance enough but imagine all of the people that get pressured into writing specifically for male/male ships simply because otherwise they won't get any appreciation.
Yes it's a cowardly thing but when you see Ruikasa having over 4000 fics and Ichisaki having like 5 in total obviously you're going to be discouraged. Obviously you'll be biased into creating Ruikasa instead of other ships.
And as someone who depends on appreciation in particular to do any work at all obviously that's going to have a lasting consequence. Some people spend 4 hours crying in front of a screen just for 3 people to like their work and leave, it's understandable if they lose passion for creating at all, you guys killed them.
It's even in how we handle m/m ships. You go into a fic that's tagged Rui&Tsukasa(platonic), someone in the comments always goes "okay but when do they kiss". You go to an action-packed longfic, someone always ends up going "okay but when do they kiss".
Fuck you guys. Actually. This is a silly piano tiles game about Hatsune Miku, we should be one of the MOST CREATIVE fandoms in history and somehow people still get mad over two boys not kissing immediately after getting introduced. It's so fucking difficult being a content creator in this fandom because you always end up having to take the same route. They meet they tease they kiss. End of story. "Oh you're doing something "lame" instead? -1 kudo. Bring me my yaoi next🖕"
#mine ☜#project sekai#pjsk#pjsekai#prsk#to the people that made 90% of the content of a specific ship. you guys are doing god's work. thank you guys.#every time someone posts a mmj or a l/n fic without including other units an angel grows their wings back.#this is about me btw. this is me taking my fucking anger out because Ruikasa has made me have writers block 2 times now.#FOR MONTHS. “oh this is a cool idea it would showcase their dynamic well and be a good character analysis to match” “kiss scene whennn”#“*flips table and leaves*”#guys i wish i could be stronger but this is it for me. i am so fucking tired.#obviously Ruikasa is a good ship obviously you can like whatever you want you're free to write and read about boys kissing and being sweet#I won't stop you you can do what you want forever. but god fucking dammit.
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cannot believe i gotta say this but please don't follow me if you're comfortable selfshipping with canon racists. i don't care if you headcanon them as otherwise, because if their racism against a real group of people is a key facet of their character (much less incredibly important to the telling of the story that this character is a racist) then i do not wanna see it. this is not the safe space for you
#jay's jots#vaguepost about someone f/oing a hugely anti-romani character in the tags. i'm so fucking tired man#THIS IS ABOUT NAZI F/OS TOO WHILE WE'RE HERE STOP FUCKING F/OING CANON NAZIS#NOT AN INVITE FOR DISCOURSE BTW if you come in my notes to rebuttal this you're getting blocked#''but austin you have problematic f/os'' sorry i don't view unrealistic horror villains on par with realistic levels of racism#i don't wanna fucking hear it this is the line i am drawing. i don't care if they aren't real#you can in general find interest in characters like that especially bc it's good to deconstruct how bigots act and whatnot#but you don't have to f/o them??? you don't have to f/o every character you think is interestingly written??? oh my god???#a note on this reminded me to write here that i turned off rbs for my own sanity#getting people mad at me for having a boundary when this post broke containment was NUTS
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i can't just emphasize how important stella is as a friend for both jentry and michael. she is the "earth" to jentry's "fire" and to michael's "water"—sharing both of their traits while also having distinct ones of her own that is able to balance out the both of them at once.
even her "powers" being the only one not revolving around supernatural abilities go along with her as the "earth" that they both need to be stable. she represents the "normalcy" that the both of are able to get & feel despite their connections to the supernatural. she's sympathetic enough to get to the both of them but also can act as the voice of reason and an organizer to keep them both grounded.
in a sense, her pushing michael to a future that many others defined for him contributes to her as a symbol for "normalcy" because of how that's reflective of the negativity that comes with social norms, and how in the context of michael's story that was what "normal" meant to him.
jentry & stella becoming friends while one of them has a crush on the other's former partner subvert social expectations about how you should go about and feel about those scenarios. jentry reaches out to stella for her to organize and process the thoughts she has, then for some moments they bond while jentry is able to forget about what being "normal" is like without powers for some time.
without her, the two of them (especially jentry) would have a harder time to define what being normal means to themselves due to the lack of having moments that don't involve the supernatural or constant self-doubt and mourning. she helps them break down social norms as an attempt to gain control over their lives through positive (jentry & stella) and negative (michael & stella) relations.
i'm sure the writers internalized stella's importance. although that plan for her importance was not fully delivered to the audience because stella definitely could use some more depth to her character and her importance is brushed aside at various points of the story, but the potential in the dynamic between jentry/stella/michael and what stella means for the both of them is soooo interesting to me. especially because the show definitely needed an "earth" character— someone who represents normalcy after michael as a symbol for jentry's story has a shift & someone who is able to keep them grounded after the supernatural becomes intertwined in the both of their stories
#oh my god ive been talking about this show like multiple times in a row. i bet everybodys tired of me now (im tired of me too)#after this i am definitely going to stop with the posts (i hope)#also if you cant tell i loveeeee stories that expand on “elements” when it comes to symbolism and stuff#sunny's thoughts#stella is just so likeable man!!! despite her partially being a “safe” character for the writers to write#jentry chau vs the underworld#jcvtu#stella jcvtu#jentry chau#michael ole
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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ghost!ghost wip
#wip#ghost!ghost#ghostsoap#soapghost#ghoap#soap x ghost#ghost x soap#cod fanart#fucking finally#my bad ghost!ghost enjoyer lol#wanna ramble here no need to read#big depressed for the past few weeks and busy as heckkk#had to socialized with people a lot#and be sad#the negative energy was strong bc someone died#also i know i said i'm gonna disappear but it's just a mindset thing really#as if mybody is not gonna do that just to spite my own self#like oh you wanna rest??? NUH UH#it's strange but it worked so here i am#and i did some jounaling??? writing a diary thingy??? pouring my heart out into it kinda#good for my mental bc it's relieving and made me forget of my woes#i'm sad still but it's manageable now#the tired feeling won't go away though#sorry for complaining and being the way i am#thank god for ghostsoap my sun and my moon
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Killua and the Power of Wishes
Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.
As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.
One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.
Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.
Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.
Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.
To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.
I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.
Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.
What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.
[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]
This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.
When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.
Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.
[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]
It's such an innocent, simple want.
And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.
In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:
Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."
Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)
Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."
And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!
So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.
10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.
Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.
It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.
Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).
"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"
The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.
Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?
Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.
[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]
Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.
And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.
This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.
It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.
[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]
I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.
However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.
Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.
[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]
I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.
But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.
Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.
[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]
Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?
Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.
[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]
Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".
I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.
...holy shit, kid.
[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]
And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(
What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.
In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.
Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.
[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]
Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.
Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.
They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:
As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course
Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo
I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.
Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.
The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.
So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.
Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.
It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.
Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.
Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]
Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.
Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.
Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.
And Alluka tears into him for it.
[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]
You tell him, girl.
Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?
"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.
Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.
And neither should Killua.
[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]
It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.
Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.
And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]
...she doesn't even have to think about it.
I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.
#oh my god this was supposed to be a brief write-up what happened 😭#ugh i feel like this is a bit of a mess and there's infinite other little points i could've made or elaborated on or interpreted differentl#but i'm so tired lmao#anyways tldr fuck you illumi you suck#killua is a snarky little shit but he also has so much love in his tiny body and i think we should appreciate him forever and ever#this also accidentally turned into alluka and nanika appreciation. i love them#nanika sweet angel i love you so much i hope you get all the head pats in the world#ghhh i'm so scared this doesn't make sense anymore i've been working on it for almost a week#hunter x hunter#hxh#hxh meta#killua zoldyck#call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective.#storyrambles#also that one scene where gon turns to look directly at killua and tells him he has fun being with him makes me jdfhbvsdjfbvh#he's so intense about it i start laughing. no wonder killua basically just went ??!?!?!?! and like. leaned back because i think i would've#done the same lmaoooo#it's very sweet though :')#argh. gotta post. i need to stop hesitating. let's go.
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HOLY FUCKING SHIT IM GONNA EXPLODE
#limited life smp#pearlescentmoon#bigb#what is your tag babygirl#mcyt#life series smp#trafficblr#OH MY GOD I AM NOT OKKKK#THEY JUTS CAUSLAUUYA MADE MH IDEAL TEAM IM GONNA EXPLODE AHHFEUGFUDW#AUGHWGDHWGDGWUDGWU#UAGHAGHAGHAGHAGHGHAGHGAHGA#im not ok#also haha coloring who she????#also im to tired ot be funny i had no good text sorry#uhm#i need more peopel to go craz about them please#it was just tthe most vibe jsut the whole thing#also hey bobbleheads are back!!!!#your wellcome;)> the 7 people who follwoed from that era#anyhow#song fro today is still dirty mouth but also chandelier by#will paquin#had to look that up#anyhow '#!!#i feel alive#i just they it is so good please#my art
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