#nothing to say for myself once again
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Trouble Looks Good On You
It happens like a fever dream.
The first time Steve gives Eddie a swift smack on the ass, itās obviously just an old jock habit thatās stuck with him. It wasnāt meant to have Eddieās knees going weak, or turn his blood hot under his skin, or give him a brand in the shape of Steve Harringtonās hand, orā Nope, because Eddieās not even into that.
But then, it happens again.
Or, Steve keeps accidentally awakening Eddieās new kinks.
Chapter 4 on Ao3
#nothing to say for myself once again#steddie#eddie munson#steve harrington#steddie fic#steddie moodboard#steddie fic rec#steddie fanfiction#tlgoy#rueswriting
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#iasip#NO MISSES IN SEASON 5. NONE. PEAK ERA SUNNY#honey nd vic vinegar?? 'ill back u up man' roadtrip?? frank suicide arc?? frank INTERVENTION arc?? dee waitress jealousy??#'o shit thers stickers' love letter??? da maniac/desert grape/birds of war?? kitten mittons?? MACDEN BREAKUP?? DENNIS SYSTEM??#DEE DRENCHED HEAD TO TOE IN BLOOD?? CHARLIE AND MAC BODYPAINT/I CHUG DICK/IDIOTS SAVAGES IDIOTS IDIOTS?????#NOTHING BUT BANGERS im abt to rewatch it all right now wtf thinking abt its getting me riled up#currently watching resident alien on my friends suggestion nd saw him say this abt s5 law & order nd was like ME ME ME ME ME XACTLY ME#same season nd EVERYTHING my dude i get u#also th double layered inside joke w myself here cuz of charlies obsession w law & order so he'd get him too#'describing an episode of law & order n full detail is not a story' once again ME WITH SUNNY LMAO#(triple layer if we wanna count rob nd charlie literally being on L&O nd th reason bhind th jokes n th first place)#[humming law & order theme song]#ok im done#shitpost#resident alien
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i'll show you funny.
cw: tickling, fluff, gender neutral reader
summary: you tickle zoro. that's it that's the post lmao. watched a compilation of zoro laughing pre timeskip and sort of lost my mind kjldfjsl. pls enjoy my degeneracy
āSooooā¦ you really donāt have any weak spots?ā
You poke the swordsmanās side as you lay next to him in bed, morning light falling over you both like a warm blanket. Zoro grunts, but otherwise remains still. Heās still shirtless from the night before, and his tanned skin glows slightly under the sun.
āNo. I donāt.ā
His stomach quivers slightly when you brush your fingers across his tight abs, but still, his expression doesnāt crack apart from his furrowed brows. He does flinch a little when you poke him in the muscles, though, and you hear his voice straining as he stifles a noise that sounds suspiciously like a suppressed giggle.
āNot even one?ā
āI said no. Now stop poking me, damn it.ā
You ignore his warning and try something different. Your fingertips trace a path up his side, then back down again with slow, gentle strokes. He visibly shivers and grabs your hand.
āEnough.ā
His voice is low and menacing, but you refuse to let him intimidate you. Youāre determined to see him crack, craving the softness he keeps so well hidden. You wondered what his unrestrained laugh sounded like, if it was loud and booming or quiet and reserved. You wanted to see a genuine smile, a crack in his armored demeanor. And most of all, you wanted to know if your strong and steadfast Roronoa Zoro was secretly very ticklish.Ā
Although one hand is trapped in his firm grip, your other is free to roam. You rest it on his stomach and quickly spider your fingers all over, catching him off guard. He gasps, this time a little louder, and his voice is much more strained than before. Like heās really struggling to hold back.
You evade his hand when he tries to grab it again, burrowing into his underarm as a struggle ensues. His arms shoot down to his sides, only serving to trap your hand in place.Ā
This time, you actually hear it. A tiny little giggle. When you stop and look at his face, thereās an expression of slight panic in his wide eyed gaze.
āOh, my god...ā
āHey, don't-!ā
His hold on you weakens as you attack his underarm again, and when you pull your other hand free of his grasp it joins in on the other side. Zoro rolls around, grins with furrowed brows, desperately tries to force back his laughter. You have to give him credit. Heās got an iron resolve.Ā
But within a few seconds, the fight is over. His smile stretches wide, his eyes squeeze shut, and he throws his head back as his laughter rings through the room.Ā
Itās nothing like you expected.
Itās loud. And goofy. Full of joy, like a childās. His smile is bright and cheerful, a stark contrast to his typical frown. And to you, it was music. You couldnāt get enough. You start laughing, too, thoroughly enjoying yourself as you tickle him to pieces.
He squirms around frantically as he cackles his head off, thrashing his limbs in a futile attempt to escape. You can tell heās holding back his strength as best as he can, making sure not to hurt you despite how much youāre tormenting him, but after a few seconds he decides he's had enough. He grabs both of your wrists, pins you down underneath him with a tight hold. The tables have turned, and now heās the one staring down at you with mischief in his eyes.
āWait, hold on!!ā you plead preemptively through giggles.
āYou think this is funny, huh?ā he pinches your sides, sending you into hysterics. "I'll show you funny."
As he gets his revenge, you still canāt help thinking that it was all worth it.Ā
#zoro x reader#tickling#lee!zoro#ler!reader#minors dni#one piece fluff#dont look at me lmao#once again i have nothing to say for myself#shoutout to cafekitsune for the dividers and banners!! u fr holding it down
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So fucked up that obimaul is a rarepair. What do you mean not everyone is obsessed with enemies to lovers with a Force connection, where one side is completely obsessed with the other who barely acknowledges him (but is just as affected)
#hm i should make an original post tag#obimaul#like. say what you want but obi-wan saw a random dathomirian zabrak and immediately went 'maul?? alive??'#he DOES care about maul he just doesn't actively seek him out like maul does#post prompted by this song that makes me think about Maul in his crime lord eraā all the luxury of the world within his reachā#but none of it satisfies him because what he really wants is to find (and kill) kenobi#'another night up in the best suite; everything's gone wrong alreadyā my body admits; dreaming so high the floor is the limit;#once again i got lost.. [...] another night i give myselfā top of a skyscraper; i'm the king of the worldā dreams for rent;#and when i look at myself i sigh with a low voiceā 'i don't feel bad i just feel nothing''#(<- song is sĆ£o pauloā 2015 by jĆ£o)#it's a song about feeling dissatisfied with the life of fame because there's an emptiness he can't fill with sex drugs or luxuries#and from the context of the album it's likely he's thinking about a past lover he's still not over#so. imagine with me.#i might make something out of this. maybe.#but like. posting about songs that make me think obimaul thoughts. not very productive. almost no audience.#... and while making this post i've been attacked by yet another song with a very obimaul words#'lie to meā run from meā we swear it doesn't countā in this way of oursā but it's not because i hate you that i can't kiss you anymore'#<- pilantra by jĆ£o and anitta
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i dont know what the plan is now, i have never had a plan for anything, but i dont want to delete the previous posts bc it feels like im trying to sweep things under the rug or act like they didnt happen
#ganondoodles talks#personal#i wish it was easier to know when to stand my ground and when to see i am wrong or when to ignore things#i am a chronical self doubter so even for the most obvious things when someone talks against me theres a moment i am hit with doubt#someone could tell me 'ganondorf is actually a perfectly true representation of all arabic people at once (somehow)'-#and i will go 'wait is he??' no hes not you idiot you know it isnt you spend alot of time learning about it the fuck#if it werent for those horrible scary (rare-not online) meltdowns i think how easily i am to doubt myself and be influenced by others is-#-what makes me feel the most childish#idk if thats an autism thing or just a me thing#even when theres a belief or opinion that is cemented into my brain unchangibly i still doubt if its right or if i am allowed it somehow#its such a contradictory thing again. easily influenced and made to doubt myself but also immovable .. even on dumb things#like theres nothing that can change how i feel about totk but i still doubt it anyway#what if i am wrong and an idiot and everyone saying the opposite of me is actually more right?? (still doesnt change opinion but doubt tm)#also can tumblr plese stop recommending me suicidal tags when i type 'what if' in here???????????????#i am trying to get OUT and AWAY from that as far as possible i dont find it funney hehe#(and i dont think i typed any of those phrases before)
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there are so many things that i could do so well,,, if only i could like.actually do them
#ok to rb or comment on if anyone wants to ??? i just want to ramble a bit#this post is about everything at once and nothing in particular but also very much about my art career wtf#i miss school already.having structure and clear immediate tasks to focus on and surrounded by people who i can tell myself can understand#like id still be feeling the raging imposter syndrome and self hatred but then at least i can still bury myself in schoolwork and#tell myself that its the best that i can do at the moment and i make excuses to forgive myself undeservingly for not doing more#back home with same old people into same old habits and i am once again 14 hiding in my closet writing edgy poetry plotting murder and#trying to ignore the yelling downstairs and trying to convince myself that its not my fault but at the core of it all it really is isnt it#and out of sight out of mind its harder to convince myself that i am still loved or worthy of it or even capable honestly#and craving the academic validation hearing someone say that what comes from my mind has any value at all any real meaning#and maybe then im still just trying to fool myself because what i want is for someone to believe im capable because i cant do it for myself#craving someplace i can distance myself from being who ive been all my life and guilt for not wanting what ive been lucky enough to receive#ok going to stop before i incriminate myself even more#prob will delete later but if i forget to haha hi#greenbean talks to plants
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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now Iām off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because theyāre insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they donāt let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didnāt have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so ā¦ ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but Iām in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, Iām going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isnāt the first time theyāve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. Iām genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because Iām so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because youāre telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, yāall share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then donāt fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because youāre just constantly making shit worse on people since you canāt seem to not fuck around with these meds and not āloseā scripts. fuck out of here.
and Iām pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and Iād still have to walk my ass to one of the ATMās nearby because they donāt accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. š«
I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while Iām laying on my fucking side, Iāve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon theyāll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, Iām nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and Iām moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.
Iām just. I give up.
this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just ā¦ not exist ā¦ for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now š« š
#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive#half a fucking ounce shouldnāt cost me $250 ā¦ā¦.. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ā¦ā¦..#but I donāt have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it š« #nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass#NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know Iām being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone#but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and Iām fucking over it.#plus Iām the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed Iāve got her#all because she couldnāt afford it so I said Iād cover it and she never paid me back. Iāve bought her at least a grandās worth of weed#just over the last couple months and sheās never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one#like ā¦ā¦ā¦ I donāt expect it. I give if I have it. but you canāt even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no#leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another āfriendā because they donāt even OFFER to be considerate#of course Iād say not to worry about it but it doesnāt even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it#like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but canāt reimburse me for anything IVE paid for#oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because sheās always fucking broke somehow#and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you canāt play that you donāt have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks#towards YOUR weed that Iām buying every once in a fucking while when Iām already paying for everything fucking else#Iām so angry and I know Iām being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when youāre tripped off your meds cold turkey#and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and arenāt so bitter when youāre let down š« š« š« #because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and Iām just.#I actually fucking give up. I donāt even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense#I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too#I just. I just canāt fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when Iām off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control itās going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted#to those in my body so I wonāt feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest#and thatās fucking bullshit. Iām going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since itāll take that long#fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. Iām self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because itāll be in THEIR best interest#for me to do so when I canāt control my mind like this. Iām so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and Iāve only been off them for two days
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i don't go to kingdomed hearts. but xiggy bardust strikes me as a campy retail worker who's been at the job for 18 years and knows about all his coworkers' marital issues. he gives off the impression of being a grumpy cunt but he'll cover your week one fuckup without hesitation & show you the lever on the soda machine to get free drinks
100000000000% TRUE this ask was fact checked by real xigbar scholars. literally defined by knowing everything about everyone's shit. spying on everyone. his japanese catchphrase is a reference to this as a pillar of his personality. he heard it from someone who heard it from someone. in the manga he reads gossip magazines
also i have 1 trillion thoughts about "xigbar is a dick but less of a dick than the fandom makes him out to be" but i'll keep it short. in 358/2 days, he acts like a dick to roxas but definitely in a way that reads more to me as "goofy weird uncle" than actual cruelty. dad on a road trip vibes. there are multiple cutscenes where he saves roxas's hide. he is also the only one of the top 3 highest ranking Organization members who never once misgenders xion, even in private conversations with just him and the other two!
so absolutely yes. weird middle aged coworker who knows everybody's business and is less of a dick than he appears to be.
#hiiii briar šššš!!#i will say. that part of the extended version of the ''he is less of a dick than he seems to be'' rant is#''if he *does* care about roxas and xion in some way why doesnt he do more to help/stick up for/support/reach out to them''#i believe there are compelling answers to that question. but still not answers that put him in a very flattering light!#so its not just ''hes actually a sweetie pie who did nothing wrong''#augh i am once again having to REALLY restrain myself from just. dumping every thought i have about his characterization#anywayyy thankyou !!!!#kh#asks#xigbar scholarship tag
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It's Pride Month! How would Pep and the others celebrate?
(Happy Pride month!!!
We will get into how the others celebrate pride later, but this would technically be Pep's first pride, and he's still figuring that out!
(Spoiler alert: He'll be queer in some way, bc everyone here is, hehe)
#ooc post#tower didn't really have the concept of sexuality and gender so it is all pretty new to him!#and even before then as Bruno he didn't really know#sure he married a woman but he sure wasn't hetro hehe#she wasn't either but I am getting ahead of myself again!#it's also still march in the story and I need to hurry UP#or I need to be nicer to myself I am doing my best!!!#well I say that but I haven't worked at all today and played cotl instead jdjsdjasd#I'm sorta having a break but once I announce I am having a break#I will want to work again immediately bc my brain is weird like that#so if I don't know I'm having a break I will be having a break and not burn myself out do you understand me?#it is okay if you do not#I got very off topic but yeah!!!#everyone is queer and there is nothing that can be done to stop this!!!
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Anyone have any easy (cheap) dinners when you feel like shit and donāt want to do anything?
#I was hanging out with a friend for a bit#and I was doing fine#but then for some fucking reason once we parted ways my mood just DIPPED#so so so soooOooOoo duuuumb#anyway#trying to figure out some sort of easy cheap dinner that I can make#I really donāt want to go out again#(1-nothing sounds good 2-Iām broke and feel like Iām wasting money and 3-donāt wanna go by myself lol)#depression is kicking my ASS lately#and Iām trying to fight back by making food or doing something good for myself#but everything seems to be in my way#gotta figure out something to make then I usually get decision fatigue cause wtf#also literally nothing sounds good anymore Iām just sick of food tbh#then I gotta go shopping for shit cause we have nothing at my place#which is going to take all the little energy I have#and Iām not going to have any energy to actually cook#cause even if I do cook Iām gonna have to clean up and do dishes after#and like???????#how do people do this on a regular basis#Iām having trouble just surviving and people are cooking and taking care of themselves just fine#rant over#probably will end up just saying fuck it and getting something to eat outā¦.. again š#shut up rosie
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NOW I HEAR YOUR VOICE EVERYTIME THAT I THINK IāM NOT ENOUGH
#but literally like#thatās exactly what happens now#AND I FANTASIZE ABOUT A TIME YOUāRE A LITTLE FUCKING SORRY#LIKE???? is there NO guilt?!?! i have to live with the grief and you get to be fucking happy#āi deserved to move onā āyou think it was easy to move onā IDGAF you still moved on??????#YOU ONCE CALLED ME FOREVER NOW YOU STILL CANāT CALL ME BACK#the FUCK happened to loving me always????????? through thick and thin???? i never stopped fucking loving you despite what i was going thru!!#all i feel now is fucking shame and disgust for myself because didnāt i fucking say?????? didnāt i fucking say you were gonna leave me again#and you swore you never would again!! then wtf happened!!!#you couldnāt handle my trust issues with you and i just know you hated me for not getting over them#i literally can never trust anyone ever again i am never trusting anybody with my fucking heart again EVER i canāt do it anymore#AND I JUST CANT IMAGINE HOW YOU COULD BE SO OKAY NOW THAT IM GONE#literally youāre fucking okay and in fucking LOVE with SOMEONE ELSE i am literally fucking NOTHING to you anymore#you always have and will ALWAYS find love in and with someone else and i never will again#the possibility of being with someone again literally disgusts me i am not doing it ever again#āyouāll find someone else eventuallyā i am NOT like YOU who always finds someone else i literally have NEVER found anyone else since you#i am literally and have never been enough and you donāt care#v#belle speaks
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hey girlie itās me, sam winchesters gay lover, your mootie š„°š„°š„° i just wanted to let you know, that your tags on the post about that wincest video are based and i agree with every word, hashtag slay couldnāt agree more i loved reading your essay in those tags heart ā¤ļø
omg thank you!!! i'm basically only capable of talking in essays whether people want me to or not, unfortunately
i just have a lot of feelings on this topic and the whole "canon or not canon" argument is weird to me; the themes are pretty darn clear in supernatural (it is NOT known for its subtlety) so idk man. they don't have to kiss to be canon. and they don't have to have a romantic relationship to be canon either. how many times do they get into relationships with other people only for it to be treated as cheating/betrayal/abandonment, only for them have to give up that relationship in order to reaffirm their devotion to their brother
that's just what the text says. i'm not under any kind of delusion that they have some secret sexual or romantic relationship, but that doesn't change that sam and dean are each other's most important person regardless of that. which is really awesome imo, that romance isn't treated as more important than whatever horrible thing they have with each other, and that they don't have to consummate their relationship with romance/sex in order for it to be the most important one they have
(and of course there's romantic/sexual subtext, like parallels and metaphors and misunderstandings and jokes, but to me that just provides a solid foundation for presenting this relationship between them as the most important even though it's not romantic or sexualābecause this language of romance is the only one we know, really, when it comes to writing important relationships between characters. it's the only one we know in our own personal lives, to a large extent. so you use the romance/sexuality to symbolize the actual bond they have. which is so much worse lmao)
anyway i think spn is fairly unique in this way because of how no other relationships can really ever stand parallel to the one they share; even in other shows that center male friendship, romance is allowed to coexist with brotherhood. for sam and dean, it's not, and that becomes a point of tension and conflict and resolution many, many times over the course of the show. so like yeah!!! just because it's not romantic or sexual doesn't mean it's not canon, in the sense that their relationship is the point of the show, and it is the most important relationship they have. they chose each other above all else, every single time. yknow, it's "the epic love story of sam and dean" and all that
#ask#sorry. i did not intend to write another essay about this#but as i said i am only capable of talking in essays. my apologies#to be honest the only reason i have so much to say about this is because i have seen some truly baffling takes about what sam and dean are#and every time i see one i have to sit here and think about it. like how did you arrive at that conclusion. what are you watching#mostly in terms of like. people saying sam and dean are not weird and codependent and enmeshed with each other#that's just blatantly not true because again. this show is about sam and dean and their relationship. textually subtextually metatextually#the concept of even having to defend their relationship as canon is as confusing to me as having to defend umm rubysam is canon#or something#like it happened. they were together in canon. we saw them have sex. you can't say rubysam isn't canon because it's right there#same thing with sam and dean. the difference is the nature of their relationship and the fact that i guess people don't want to like#think of it as canon when it's not romantic????#it's such a no-brainer kind of thing. like the fact that i'm sitting here trying to explain myself is embarrassing me bc it's like#no shit sherlock#but again the only reason i am thinking about this so much is because i keep seeing people trying to deny or downplay their relationship#in the first place#which is BIZARRE to me#like idk i don't see people trying to deny that ummmm fuck. killua and gon hxh aren't canon friends#that they don't even like each other#wow i'm seriously rambling. apparently i have more to say about this topic than i originally conceived#idk man i get people are uncomfortable with incest but the point is that it's like. not. their canon-ness is not related to incest#they're just insane about each other and they are each other's most important person. they are more important than romantic pursuits#the uniqueness is that it trumps all other relationships and cannot coexist with any others. that's what's so canon about it#it's not just friendship. it's not just brothers. it's not just husbands. it's everything and nothing and so much more all at once#shrugs. sorry for rambling AGAIN#i hope i'm making sense here#supernatural#wincest#spn posting
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God I'm so fucking annoyed how come she gets to treat me however she likes and then gets to say she didn't mean it?????
#have u considered not constantly comparing me to ur abusive husband who hit u??????#since i was like 8 its really fucking weird#like who in their right mind tells their child theyre naturally destructive just like their father and then says ohhhhh but i didnt mean it#are u fucking insane#doesnt help that i look like him too everyone tells me that#and now she acts like me raising my voice once means she needs to walk on eggshells around me wtf#what about how u treated me from ages 13-16#freak#i cant believe this shes treating me like im some scary stranger as if shes not the one with full financial control and that im this horribl#person go kill yourself omgjdjsjsjwjwwhwhhw#fuck u#last year was the worst year of my life and that was wholy bc of u you showed me what place i really have in this family and that it was not#hing. how is sveryrone so ready to throw me away??#yet everyone else gets to say shes sooo proetctive and loving fuck off you wouldnt even tell them youre treating me badly diedie diediediedi#i want to cut so bad bro#but i promised myself i wont so#i mean i dont even have any way of gettibg blades so whatver#just remembered her reaction to me cutting#nothing. yeah absolutely no reaction. i thought the worat thing that could happen was her gettjbg mad at me again but no#i realised there was somwthing worse. she just straight up doesnt care#useless mother#im fine w u treating me like shit ive accepeted it that i have no place in anyone's life unlesss i hive into this but at least#at least stop trying to confront me like this#just let me rot in peace#i really dont want to do this anymore#any time now she'll ask me if i was pretending to cry so i wpuldnt have to go out w her now#as if that isnt insulting#and then she'll say i wasnt trying to be rude!!! as if she hasnt always treated me like none of my feelings r real. i only ever overeact. ok
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% ŃŠµŠŗŃŠµŃŠ½ŃŠ¹ Š“Š½ŠµŠ²Š½ŠøŠŗ Š»ŠµŠ²Ń ŠŠ Š§ŠŠ¢ŠŠ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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Ever since I was a little girl I always knew I wanted a butch twice my size to call me a good boy
#it hasnāt happened yet but I think it will fix me once it does#Im not much of a boy or a girl or anything and I gave up trying to put a name on it. but I really like that phrase#its weirdly pleasing and I wish I had more situations where I could call myself thatā¦. sigh#I noticed that whenever I do smth like look both ways before crossing the street or hold the door for someone#I find a little voice in the back of my head praising me like wow!! good job!! youāre such a good boy!!!#idk what that says abt me but im not complaining. I am a good boy#I hope everyone is having a good week!! and if not I sincerely hope it gets better and the weeks to come#im updating my blog again for fun ^_^#so far Iāve updated my header icon and text color but since im on the bus rn I might go back and change things when I get home#I also saw someone walking across campus wearing nothing but a t shirt and shorts in -15 Celsius weather#yapping
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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