#nothing like a good reassurance
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gonna admit uhh vicagent is the only ava ship so far that i feel ""safe"" posting on this blog.............. do any of you looking at this want me to post other ava ship stuff orwhat please PLEASE LET ME KNOW PLEAAAAAAAASE
#alan becker#animator vs animation#ava#ava victim#ava agent#ava vicagent#vicagent#sorry i jsut really like victims dress.um#nothing like good ol yuri before bed!#or yaoi#whatever#āanyway lilac wdym by the caption??? are you scared topost specific ava shipstuff or what??ā#yeaah sorry its jst. sometimes people hc different thingsregarding the hollows and cg and i want to appeal to them but i also like....ships#like some hcs have cg as related#samething with the hollows#to clarify. i headcanon cg as close buuut not in a sibling way nor romantic way thougb i will do shipart for the funny#same headcanon thing with the hollows.kindof. MAIN point they arent exactly related besides tco and tsc (this is also in the hc sure)#uuuuguhghgh what do i doooo#ISANYONE EVEN READING THESE TAGS siiigh#why am i ranting in tags anywayIN A POST ABOUT GAY STICKS#ijust hope someone is seeing this and willsay anything about this somehow. please reassure me please#what was i doingOH YEAH#woah ships!!#lilacsart
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Not the kids. You can't kill kids.
#goodomendsedit#goodomensedits#goodomenssource#Good Omens#Aziraphale#Crowley#tusermyra#userfra#crowleyanthonys#tusermich#my gifs#fixing the one thing that really truly bothers me about the writing of a companion to owls#because any feelings about the mere existence of the pre-fall scene aside aziraphale invoking the angel crowley once was makes no sense her#because nothing we are shown of pre-fall crowley impacts this scene because pre-fall crowley doesn't (yet) care about the humans#he is devastated for the stars and the universe but not the humans but you know who is? the demon who takes a moment to reassure an angel#that his protection of the first two humans was the right thing the demon whose first reaction upon hearing of god's plan to drown humans#is to go 'not the kids. you can't kill kids.' the faith that aziraphale has in crowley very specifically in this very moment#according to what we've been shown in the show should not be build on the angel he once knew but on the demon that he now knows#and i understand that that line is there to show that aziraphale then understands that pre-fall and post-fall crowley are still the same#but like. if that's your message then write a scene where the continuity is actually between pre-fall and post-fall crowley lol
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the loumand divorce is a prime example of why it is important to match not only the freak, but also the vibe. a proper, bona fide obsession requires both
#interview with the vampire#louis de pointe du lac#armand de romanus#armand iwtv#iwtv#you can't just put toxic bottoms together and expect them to have a good time. you need a toxic top as well#there's a guy who wants nothing more than to be comforted and another guy who wants nothing more than to be excited#of Course louis is gonna call armand beige and boring#of Course armand is going to fuck with heads and cling to a status quo he doesn't even like. he can't escape it without reassurance#one of them sees violence as proof of passion and the other is never violent#it's doomed from the start regardless of whatever attachment they have to each other
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had a really incredible moment this evening. went to my campus art market where one of my friends was selling the tank top i'm wearing - another friend bought it for me and i'm so overjoyed to have it. usually a fit that leans more Traditionally Masculine feels like a costume but tonight it just felt deeply correct and honest and warm. took the opportunity to take some indulgent little pictures because i do not think i have Ever looked more like myself. so happy.
#im like. slowly gently exploring butchness & ... what it means to me & ... trying to release the idea that it requires Masculinity....#ive always felt pretty disconnected from masculinity as a whole but i'm starting to find points of entry that resonate really deeply#& along with that is like... esp when it comes 2 kink & leather & butchness - which r not intrinsically related but to me they r connected#theres this idea that like. i'm taking myself too seriously. and that nobody's gonna take me seriously. and that i'm too little too young#that im like#obviously inexperienced and a joke and failing and looking stupid .#but ... realized recently that . that's really just the trauma talking#and that i can just like. try shit out. and notice how it feels + what comes up#and then try it again if i so wish#and nothing i try has to be permanent or defining ... and that like . my desires and comforts and joys and needs Should Be Taken Seriously#soooo much of my like. impostor syndrome . has to do with worrying that im not doing it right when compared to other men#but like.... most of the kinky men / leathermen i see are 35+ and cis .#of course im not doing it like them .#so . looking to the queers i know. especially my fellow transmascs as well as lesbians . for like. reassurance and inspiration#has been very healing . & good for my heart & my soul.#:)#yeah .#i think i gotta go read butch is a noun. ... yeah#goodnight :)#speak#materialization#ok2rb
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i forgot how weird people get sometimes when you add minnie to clemvi situations :/
#she is NOT a threat to their relationship. she is barely a blip on the radar#shes literally just here to cause problems#vi makes it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that clem is her top priority she is so disgustingly painfully in love with clem its embarrassing#like girl i never doubted you for a second dw š#but its like people want to see vi hate minnie.. like they cant grasp that shes moved on without her saying she hates her or smth#all the conflicting feelings are just so narratively juicy :) some people cant appreciate this it seems#and then theyll use it as an excuse to say clemvi sucks like okay everybody pack it up#people projecting their insecurities perhaps? (i know the answer)#and like even a captured vi who was manipulated into trusting minnie ends up getting her eyes burned out for it#like they both went down there but only vi got hurt?? and separated from minnie? hm interesting#clem fighting her own trauma of trusting the wrong people with vi continuously reassuring her nothings changed she loves her#clem would appreciate that. i definitely think shes fighting jealously demons but is just good at pretending she doesnt care#she makes too many Faces about it for me to think shes casual about the whole thing#but i think after their conversation in the dorms in ep3 clem isnt worried anymore. and vi proves she can trust her again and again#THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH theyre disgusting its disgusting :)#minnie isnt a threat to their relationship shes just a threat to their lives :)#twdg#it speaks
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i survived the movie premiere and i only had a few sightings which is very good but . i feel like i just got beat up. in an alleyway idk there is no other way to describe what i'm feeling rn. the movie was about just some guy who quits his lame cashier job and then struggles to find a job he actually likes (me). who loves to watch movies, who loves to go to a cinema and who prefers to sit in the last row and who wants to eat popcorn (me)(since this was an estonian film he was talking about THE exact cinema i go to btw)(there are so many other cinemas here). who wanted to go and study something creative but then just.. didn't (me). who does nothing all day long (me). who feels like every opportunity has already passed and that it's too late to really pick up anything now because it's just way too fucking embarrassing (me). who feels like he has nothing to offer (me). and who feels like he's just an interesting "hello" and nothing more (me).
extra (me) points for when he and his girlfriend went to hang out with her father and then after it he went "i think it's amazing how well you get along with your dad" . as if that isn't something i have said .. countless times beforeššš
#there really were some scenes that made me want to cry so badly lmao it's so embarrassing#him and his gf were having an argument and she said how she can't depend on him at all#and that he doesn't do the things she asks him to do even though he doesn't do anything all day long#btw the gf was actually really really nice she gave this cute speech to him at the end#which made him feel better#like she reassured him that he IS interesting and that she doesn't think the world has ended and that it isn't too late#and that he isn't a failure#all of that good stuff#i did not feel better thoughššš#like yeah that's#literally me#nothing#i'm listening to the challengers soundtrack while crying this is so funny actually#seeing my literal classmates' names in the titles did not make any of it better either lmao#they're all doing things#things they love#i have to hype myself up to go the fucking grocery store#mayor of loserville#lol#cw vent
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with all these gaston crackships/rarepairs that are coming out lately it would be so fucking funny if he had a flig with all the main characters (ambar, nina, simon... hell luna too if you want) and they all know it except matteo
#mf would feel so betrayed once he finds out#and not because he's jealous or anything - or maybe yes (they kinda have a vibe between them if you get what i mean)#mainly because his best friend didn't tell him#gaston would 100% use āyou didn't askā with a shit-eating grin while shrugging his shoulder#he would have the time of his life making fun of matteo reaction lol#and matteo would also lowkey be insecure (understandable because gaston was probably a better boyfriend for all those people [real])#[from here on i'm gonna yap but like... YAP - get ready]#type of flings/situationships/whatever i think he had:#LUNA/GASTON : [barely a fling/ a kinda relationship (?)] - them just trying it out for the hell of it#they had a lot of fun and it strengthened their friendship#they never talk about it unless they're sure that they're by themselves#gaston sometimes reminiscences about it in front of others(to make luna panic/embarass)but in such a vague enough way that they don't get i#it always comes off as them play-fighting#it either happened before he and nina got together (which is what i'm running with for this post) or they did it after she left#because they were the closest to her and were the only people that could understand what it meant to lose nina#(luna also dated her in the past by this point)#GASTON/NINA: [literally canon and one of the main ships] so i don't have to explain it i guess#GASTON/SIMON: [was a āthey were all in their feelingsā during those moments - kind of deal]#that scene i reposted the other day is a good way to pinpoint when they started to actually eye eachothers /put a start to what they had#it ended two or three months later - don't know who put an end to it between them#but it wasn't a problem because they both had something else they wanted to focus on more - they're extremely chill about this#GASTON/AMBAR: [kinda the same - got to know eachother when they were kids and became extremely close (even tho it took A BIT since#even if gaston came from a good family ambar was still as standoffish as now (and also a bit shy even if she wouldn't admit it)]#gaston was the one that did the first step#at that point ambar actually never stopped to think about dating in general but especially him#but the idea of losing him as a friend for something so stupid as a relationship terrified her#he reassured her that whatever happened nothing between them would've changed#which was real but also not really#they ended up breaking up a year and a half later and became a bit awkward around eachothers for a bit (mostly because of ambar)#they're still cordial with eachothers
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Btw I love ur yuusha sm
HFJKDLJ HI THIS LITERALLY CAME NOT LONG AFTER THE LAST ASK AND IM ALSO JUST
you've been around since i started posting about yuusha and jamil if i recall correctly??? even still if not, your tags/comments always make me happy ajfdklsajf
it's always so motivating and i REALLY appreciate it so THANK YOU SO MUCH I'M REALLY GLAD TO HEAR YOU LOVE HER šššššš
(*throws this here too as a thanks*) (they're purely platonic tho)
(kalim insisted on taking a pic with her) (jamil just always third wheels them)
#so many happy feels this weekend thank you so much ;;;#hfnfdnsfnsd it was nerve racking posting my oc x canon in the beginning bc for me there's just an inherent shame behind it š#but everyone is nothing but nice and supportive#it's always a surprise to see my yuus get acknowledged specifically ššš#it makes me happy that they're liked#my silly little guys#and a lot of other people share their oc x canon as well and it's just so fun and reassuring to see#it also makes me love yelling about other people's ocs and their ships#im grateful to have a nice experience here so far š#it's been years since i threw myself into a fandom that I've hyperfixated on#and i hope to continue doing this >:3#gonna start gathering these asks/comments they're just good vibes in general :333#[āā¦ chatting#-ā§ my art#(š) yuusha#(š) scarashackle dish#-ā¦ā]
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my interpretation of plushie is that their (might use it/its?) personality is noticably affected by being drawn to be a toy. they're happy to be dragged (comfortably) around a lot, mostly unmoving to the point that most onlookers wouldn't assume they're alive. they're mute and can communicate only with simple body language (and also clinging to people they agree with). they'll occasionally disappear and return with broken toys, shiny objects, and weird things in general. sometimes they show up in strange places. they would be a mascot horror antagonist if they weren't loved (but in a humor genre, they like to surprise people).
i could see that...... i like that :]
i do think Alan is very worried by this at first (he ofc has very bad experiences with treating sticks like toys) and is a little bit protective initially just because Dear God This Is Literally The Worst The More He Thinks About The More He Realizes This Was A Terrible Idea. but once the CG proves to be responsible and he finds out Plushie doesn't mind too much, he nervously allows it. it fortunately turns out okay even though Alan doesn't really like the situation
#tommy's foolery#i love the idea of him using it/its. i think it also uses he/him tho? based on nothing but Vibes#also i do feel like seeing how he acts about Plushie changes chosen's perspective on him a little at least#they're the only one who actually knows the context behind him being so nervous about this#it's. in a way very reassuring? knowing that he knows what he did and is determined to not let it happen again#(even though chosen trusts the CG to be good about it)#and even though he did. draw another stick. he is determined to not let the OTHER thing happen again#i love these headcanons though#tommy's stickmen tag#tommy's aus#selkie sticks au#tommy's stick!alan
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odd thing to bring up after i talked about how i'm finally trying to write for myself and not other people, but because i start and don't finish so many projects...i'm honestly not even sure where to go? i'm feeling a bit stumped atm, so if anyone has something in particular that they're interested in seeing from me, please lmk.
obviously i'm trying to only travel down paths that i want to, but as i look at my pinterest boards and all the projects i've started, all the styles and respective universes i'm cobbling together, i'm finding i am very interested in exploring all of them, so my stomach hurts, my head feels funny and my heart is a little confused. i'm feeling lost and as you are all my sunshines my only sunshines, the very same way i appreciate the warmth you provide me, i'd also love a guiding light.
thank you for all your support.
it is extremely precious to me.
-uncle nina
#nina speaks#it's an odd thing to go from wanting to do nothing#to wanting to do everything#but bc i have so many asks many of which date months ago#i am honestly not sure what at present to explore#again i am trying only to do what feels right so i may cherry pick and choose what to invest my creative energies in#depending on what inspiration sparks#but if you find my stuff on your mind at any point#if you could possibly please let me know what you would like to see i'm extremely curious as to what thrills you#you also might not be presently interested in anything regarding me and my work it's been a long time#i wish i had tried to covert and hone this kind of discipline and structure when people were super excited about stuff#either way it's all good i'm not looking for reassurance just if anything is burning the back of ur mind it'll help me#like i really actually am interested in all of my stuff haha i just started so much complex stuff i should really start#sticking to one thing and try not to dizzy myself#does that...make sense? i feel a little crazy
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;; āļø
#I donāt know where to talk about this so here I am ahhhhhhh anyway Iām worried that he doesnāt#want to talk to me anymore/ which is hopefully me being overreactive#and I donāt think I came off clingy at all I really hope I didnāt and I havenāt been texting him a tremendous amount also because#Iāve been waiting for him to text me back sometimes?#and idk maybe he was busy yesterday and doing things but hhhhhhh god#I hate being nervewracked by this stuff especially after feeling SO happy and grateful#and just like overwhelmed with emotions#the last text was a question I sent last night and nothing now and yet Iām a total loser#he deleted/hid his bumble profile so thatās a good thing right? because heās not interested in anyone else#but Iām paranoid about a crash after that high about not being able to have good things#and I just need the reassurance that itās okay and he does like me#because heās flying away soon I think next weekend and he was the one who said we should hang out again#before he leaves#anyway this is what the inside of my head looks like right now. sad and nervous and anxious and needy and unsure#personal
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I keep trying to write an update and then being embarrassed about it and feeling like Iām trauma dumping on people by updating and I just..I know itās on me to manage my crap, I know. I am trying (not very well but Iām trying) and itās justā¦I donāt know. I donāt even know.
#please know i have thought about hospital but hospital would#genuinely make it worse (like I cannot even tell you how much worse)#i think Iām legitimately justā¦having a trauma reaction on top#of a jewish trauma spike#and dentists and having to move (I may have cleaned till I shook today also my arm#does not look great#i feel like i donāt actually verbally have the words#(i have tried not engaging i have tried engaging they both feel awful)#(hashem i donāt know would you even embrace me would youā¦)#(itās not a meds thing (I take meds for mdd and I know what that looks like and this isnāt it)#(itās hard to explain the difference between CPTSD and like a panic attack or a depression)#(except that I feel like Iām so so tainted and not in my body or if Iām in my body Iām in my body somewhere else#abuse cw#i didnāt ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered#this will disappear probably#UGH#(i am seeing my therapist tomorrow i just..i know i need to reach out to)#(to like my current landlords and ask if I could just pay for a cleaning service to come in)#(i know i need to be like āunfortunately my CPTSD is Fucking Terrible Right Now and I need)#(just a bit of grace apologies)#(i do not want my parents to know i do not want that)#(aside from the fact that I am already a burden to them anyway)#a stupid flop of a person i am crying thinking about how i had plans for kids and a wife and travel andā¦Iām nothing#(everyone else is something Iām not I donāt deserve grace lbr)#it keeps running through my head how many people i thought loved me want me dead#and itās like I can fake it so well#(i donāt know I may be like sending words to people)#to run through the steps of not being alone#iām truly sorry i am always not taking accountability and playing the victim and clinging to people#to get reassurance i donāt deserve that its a good person it isnāt it isnāt a person
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Hopsital š
#iām ok i promise#Iām out now#Iām feeling fine now#and feeling a lot less worried about things#just a doctor telling me my ekg isnāt abnormal and whateverās happening isnāt causing any damage is reassuring#and I have some good drugs now that if nothing else are gonna help me sleep like a BABY
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oh. oh no. all those very emotionally intelligent tags on my recent post are about to make me cry
#there is something very cathartic in being reassured that there's nothing wrong with you#if you have difficulty seeing the person that has cause you and your family so much pain as a monster#like you can see that what they did was terrible and will cause emotional scars for everyone#but there were also good moments#and moments where you remember them fondly#and its very refreshing to be reassured that its okay to have complex feelings about this#rather than just shunning the person out entirely#i need to lay down
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#^farmerās market goat :)#vent post#I feel bad posting vent posts so I try to have good pictures/screenshots for them skskskd#disclaimer that Iām okay but also this is above tumblrās pay grade. I just need to yell into the void about it#health stuff is taking a sudden downward turn and Iām stressed about it#Iām fine#but weāre considering getting genetic testing to check for vascular Ehlers Danlos#which is. concerning.#thatās the one you donāt want#āhalf of people with this condition will live to at least 48ā reassuring. thanks.#like. Iām FINE right now but kind of having a little existential mortality crisis over having to consider it as a possibility#it might be nothing or something else. weāre just talking possibilities. but I donāt like that weāre seriously discussing vEDS#idk. hopefully in a few months I come back with an update and itās nothing/something else#Iām not gonna just keel over but itās not a fun time as you get older#again. Iām fine right now. itās probably just my anxiety. but I need SOME sort of outlet#and on tumblr nobodyās pressured to respond. I donāt really want a vent discussion or anything#just need to get it out and move on with making appointments and pushing fluids#but everything is okay right now. Iāll make appointments. Iāll discuss medications and testing. Iāll make lifestyle changes where I can.#itāll be fine
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I need to talk a bit less online I think. good for everyone involved
#like for one I get screamed at by very silly people a lot. for two I talk about some shit authoritatively when I should not be doing that#anyway nothing is wrong I just need to change my posting ethos. focus it a bit u know#this is not me begging for compliments or reassurance either btw like itās all good
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