#nothing feels right anymore
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my heart is a wasteland.
#nothing feels right anymore#I’m losing my fucking mind#I keep being attacked by memories and feelings#it’s fucking relentless#i need out#out of this place i’m in#out of the situation i’m in#out of the feelings I hold#I need out of it all#before I fucking kill myself#it’s so exhausting#there’s not a soul there#the one person who keeps me calm and sane and okay is nowhere to be found#and I don’t blame them#being around me is probably draining#I’m never good enough#I never will be#because I’m nothing#and I have no one anymore#I break everything i touch#it all dies in my hands#and now my heart is desolate and barren#there’s not a drop of life left in it#I keep breaking down#eventually there will be nothing left#but maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be#I don’t know anymore#…#personal#my post
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I don't really feel right about celebrating Pride Month this year. It doesn't feel right with everything happening around the world.
How can we celebrate when millions of people are being murdered and their rights are being stripped from them. Their homeland being taken..
I won't tell someone not to enjoy Pride. Because that goes against everything we've been fighting for.
But, for me, it doesn't feel right.
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sad: falling out of a hyperfixation
tragic: watching your beloved friends and mutuals fall out of the hyperfixation while you're still in it
#oughhhhhhh#this is about the dca fandom but also about every other strong fixation ive had over the years lol#i know it's normal and inevitable esp for less popular works or minor characters with little canon content#and there's nothing wrong with smaller communities of course those rock#but there’s just something special about getting into something at the same time as a lot of other people all at once#and existing in this chaotic fandom space that's just bursting with creativity and passion#i've been in fandom spaces for as long as some of you have been alive and i've only come across that sort of unbridled joy like#a handful of times at best#it's just a heartbreaking feeling to see real lightning in a jar fandoms like that wither away as people drift away#(understandably so!)#anyway don't mind me i'm just having thoughts#musing about fandoms past as well#that i too eventually moved on from but remember fondly even if im not active in anymore#also my music just aint hitting right so im just sitting in silence which makes me more Contemplative(tm)
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lizzie design but i did it before the second episode and am now wanting to add parrot attributes
#my art#ldshadowlady fanart#lizzie ldshadowlady#wild life smp#wild life fanart#trafficblr#i truly just dont know what im doing with my style anymore#I think its the eyes. i dont have a specific way i draw them so i just kind of do it differently every time#and since the eyes are such a focal point it makes the entire thing feel very different even though i draw everything else-#-the same way i always do#im in that mood that makes youwant to punt your artstyle into oblivion#i want it to be weirderrrr. more stylized and expressive. get funky with shapes and colors.#it just feels so boring to me right now#its such a problem i just cant stick with a style. i love everything but nothing feels like its really mine you know#uuueueueugh
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bug doodles so i can say i drew something
#oc#original character#alien oc#artists on tumblr#art#aliens#sketch#nyx#having a rough month creatively. and mentally. like a really really rough month. but i'm tired of saying that too#i made like three things this year i was excited about and that's it. where did the fun go. im supposed to enjoy it right#if i dont enjoy it then what is the point !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of anything !!!! i dont enjoy Anything anymore even !!!!!!!!!#why is it already august. almost september. i dont even remember most of 2023 let alone 2024.#i got no drive to draw let alone to push through a drawing when it gets challenging or doesn't turn out right. i barely drew this month#just kinda hated everything. nothing is fulfilling#IF IM NOT HAVING FUN !!! THEN WHAT IS THE POINT !!! WHAT AM I DOING IT FOR#more and more i consider taking a hiatus from art. but what the fuck else do i do with my time then. what if i never come back to it#i got a list of stuff i could draw but either i try and i dont like it or i sit there and wonder why even bother because i wont enjoy it#guys im tired. im so exhaustingly overwhelmingly depressingly fucking tired and i feel no joy in my art#or videogames. or anything.#i need to go to bed
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One of my biggest pet peeves is the justice league being labelled as " The Avengers of DC" and its like. No? The avengers are law enforcement. The Justice League are volunteers
#its like -- captain america is the staple of US military and Superman is a public servant#the one avenger member who has no bounds or legal obligation is tony and its bc hes rich. you could argue that he actually lost#autonomy when shield recruited him because like. protection isn't necessary tied to 'good.' the avengers protect the planet bc sure#its what they believe in and feel like its their duty and yada yada but ultimately they're self serving and most of their#help is accidental. i say most of bc we've seen they abstain from getting involved unless they have a common interest#with dc its like. you have these people in a position of privilege (having superpowers -- which gives them a spot of advantage to ppl who#dont have it) who do the right thing because they WANT TO. and they can stop at any time because nothing stops them.#they COULD say 'yeah you're on your own. we don't really care anymore. duces!' but they Dont.#because through its many flaws dc realizes that goodness isn't only a choice -- its a responsibility#theres probably better ways to say this but. alas#batman#superman#wonder woman#green arrow#aquaman#the justice league#tjl#justice league#dc#dc comics#text#text post
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[OLD ART ALERT] A COLLECTION OF SCENES FROM THE GILLIONS CATSCRATCH ARC THAT BROUGHT ME GREAT JOY. i love fishy chips especially when its just gillion being delirious and violent and hostile
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi riptide#jrwi riptide spoilers#JUST NOTICED A MILLION MISTAKES FUUUUUUUUCK BUT WWHATEVERRRRR IF I STARE AT THIS ANYMORE IM GONNA HHUURRRLLL#SO I REALLY LIKE FISH AND CHIPS RIGHT. IVE BEEN IN LOVE W THE SHIP EVER SINCE THAT NAT 20 KISS#BUT I THINK I SHIP IT WRONG. OR LIKE. I AM CORRECT BUT EVERYONE SHIPS THEM DIFFERENTLY#THE FISH N CHIPS I SEE EVERYWHERE ELSE IS SO FLOWERY AND SWEET AND ROMANTIC. AND THATS NICE! THAT STUFFS NEAT#but gillion and chip would NEVERRRR enter anything similar to a romantic relationship. chips too damaged and gillions too uninterested#I LIKE MY FISH N CHIPS ONE SIDED AS FUCK#bc 2 gillion chip is his best friend in the whole wide world but hes also kinduvagross little man that took him a MINUTE to really warm up2#but to CHIP gillion is this powerful and gorgeous and heroic paragon of destiny and his best friend in the whole world who will#bring about the eschaton. 'i didnt believe in destiny until i met you' until i met a champion radiating with a light thatll alter the world#OHH REMEMBER THE FIRST ICE ARENA?he was so mad.still probably shaking from the ordeal.NEVER had he felt true divine radiance CLEAVE through#his SOUL like that.do you remember that moment in the forest w the bugs. an alien from the ocean; lacerating the land w lightning#when the realization flickered in chip for a moment.that the thing standing before him was more powerful than he could ever fathom#remember when grizz mentioned that the nat20 kiss was the 'best kiss chip ever experienced'. that has nothing to do w this. where was i.#LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT. BUT HEY. I THINK at the beginning chip absolutely knew that gill was smth grand n powerful n scary#when gillion revealed what exactly the prophecy was;chip got defensive and mad.sure he was sleep deprived but OOH. HES SCARED!#he believes gillion too! he believes that his destiny is to eradicate either the sea or land and that scares him!#but then he gets past it bc ultimately he trusts his bestfriend gillion so so much. he fuckin loves this dude.#he would throw himself intothe path of fire for this dude. he would boat across the ocean for this dude.he would build arenas for this dude#even if this dude will end half the world.even if this dude wields the power and the obligation to eradicate him at any second.#even if this dude is going to throw himself into harms way for his own comrades.even if this dude is just going to sacrifice himself.#one way or another one shall die for the other.these self-sacrificial bastards click so well with eachother!!#chip believes his body is best used to pave roads and gill believes his body is destined to pave prosperity.WHATEVER!!#i really love their dynamic!! they care for eachother so much!in MY heart tho. the icing on the cake here is the fantasy that chip is#just a bit more In Love w gillion than he realizes. like this powerful fish guy is HOT and PRETTY and KIND and FUNNY and LOYAL and STRONG#but gillion would never rly feel that same sort of attraction towards chip. its just not rly his thing. aroace as fuck man.#thats how it is in MY little heart atleast. and i sit here and play w my touys in my brain n i explore my silly lil one sided fish y chips.
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the absolute last and final scene we get from gojo is a depressing conversation about how people are gonna forget him when he's gone .... okay
#i need gege to know that hes a dogshit writer and nothing he did was ever right. how do i send this man hate mail#bakma bana#whatever. i gave up long ago anyways#i dont even feel anything for jjk anymore#jjk 271#jjk leaks#jjk spoilers#jjk#gojo
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@val-the-bun you are Evil. You are evil putting this in my inbox.
More were-harpy Vaggie but it's sad now and everything HURTS (copy pasted here bc the format in the ask got effed but i refuse to suffer this alone)
val-the-bun asked:
And then, of course, *the trial happens*.
And *the absolute shit timing of the fallout*.
Charlie is too stuck in her own spiral while vaggie just... Tries to hole up on her own (her usual 'nest' was in their suite. But she didnt want charlie to have to deal with her).
Charlie is curled up on vaggie's side of the bed, buried in blankets while she questions if anything they had was real.
While vaggie is in agony for the first time in three years since she'd started changing. Every fiber of her being wants to call for charlie. Yearns for that safety... but instead she bites her tongue and just curls in on herself, alone in the room she hastily barred shut. ~~She deserves this. To be alone.~~
Not sure which hazbin is the one to hear vaggie's pain and tries to check on her (let's go with angel and husk).
The hasty barricade she put on the door isnt enough. Not when the others are trying to force it open.
Vaggie tries to scream for them to go away. The last scrap of clarity she has before that warning turns into a predatory *shriek*. Vaggie's monster form tears apart the already falling barricade, and bursts into the hall.
'WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!'
'Fuck if I know, just run! Angel, hurry up!'
Vaggie is *tearing through the halls*, jaws snapping after Husk and Angel. They manage to hit the lobby, Husky grabbing Angel and flying like his life depends on it.
Meanwhile monster vaggie leaps after them... *right into the chandelier*.
Charlie hears the sound of that distant, shattering crash down below, and she *realizes*. Suddenly those painful worries have to get shoved down as charlie bolts out of their room.
'Please dont hurt anyone. Please, please, *please...!'*
Charlie's heart sinks as the shadows around the hotel start to writhe, and radio static fills the air.
'My my, what a surprising turn!'
Vaggie is *shrieking*, thrashing against shadowy tendrils as she tries to claw at Alastor.
'Now now. *Stay down*'
A rap of his cane, and vaggie's practically being crushed into the floor.
'What the fuck is wrong with you?!'
Husk is holding Angel back, looking away as Alastor starts to raise his hand. He cant watch this...
'Let her go.'
Alastor freezes when he feels the tip of an angelic spear under his chin.
There, standing at his side, in her full demon form, *is Charlie*.
'Ah, miss Charlotte. Lovely to see--'
'Let. Her. *Go!'*
For a moment, everything is quiet except for the sounds of vagging struggling, her talons digging into the floor. She's bleeding, golden blood pooling on the lobby floor... *And dripping from the claws on Alastor's hand.*
'Oh, very well. Good luck!'
Vaggie is snarling when Alastor lets her go. She starts getting ready to pounce when Charlie steps in front of her, spear in hand. Vaggie starts backing away, looking less like a predator and more... *like a cornered animal*. Her whole body seems coiled to run away as she keeps backing up, snarling and shrieking more in warning than anything else.
'Was it a lie?'
Vaggie shrieks at her, swiping at the air in the hopes Charlie would stay away.
'When you told me you didnt know what this was, was it a lie?'
Angel starts to step forward, but husk grabs his arm.
'Just let them do this...'
'Did. You. Lie?!'
Vaggie backs right into the wall, feathers flaring with a hiss.
'Was any of it real?'
Charlie can feel the tears on her cheeks. But what she wasnt expecting was to see tears in Vaggie's eye... Even as she snarled, and shrieked, and snapped her fangs, she was crying.
Charlie presses forward, Vaggie raising up over Charlie with a hawk-like screech, talons lashing out... But they dont connect, her talons *trembling* as they stilled inches from Charlie's face, her own spear aimed at her chest. Vaggie's eye is wild and afraid, but Charlie can see the *pain* there, too. She let out another shriek, closing her eye like she was bracing for the inevitable...
#hazbin hotel#vaggie#charlie morningstar#chaggie#were-harpy vaggie au#you are so rude for this and that cliffhanger you're a mean. mean. chaggie shipper look what you did to them#it's Yummy#angel and husk STILL being scared for hapry vaggie right after she's chased and tried killing them#ripped my heart out by the way#OR I THOUGHT IT DID#UNTIL CHARLIE POINTED VAGGIE'S OWN SPEAR AT VAGGIE#'When you told me you didnt know what this was#was it a lie?'#FUCK YOU#FUK YUUUUUUU#princess of hell and the murder angel bird monster she's been cuddling and keeping in the hotel meant to save sinners#and she's DARING vaggie to hurt her#(she's protecting their friends)#(she doesn't want alastor to hurt vaggie-)#would it work? those talons brushing charlie's face#vaggie's not a sinner. she's the thing that kills them#could she kill charlie? (charlie what are you DOING-)#oh she needs to find out doesn't she#she needs to Know#when vaggie's most angelic self is backed into a corner with a spear at her chest and no hope of hiding anymore#a spear held by a hellborn demon#what will she do?#(nothing) (nothing to charlie)#charlie you are loved by the most violent bloodthirsty part of heaven#how does it make you feel
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hong kong miku,,,
#hopping on the trend jumpscare i’m from hong kong surprise#i haven’t seen that many hk mikus around#lowkey chat i think i kinda ate with this one#however i will say i am coloring in the dark so if any colors look off that’s why#and also i haven’t opened this program in literal months i jumped straight into this no warmup no nothing#miku is what pulls me out of art block apparently i was locked in for 5 hours STRAIGHT#someone needs to teach me how to paint properly holy#not sure how i feel about the bottom left one but that was a quick one anyways#i am from hk originally but i haven’t been back in years so i have no idea about the culture other than food and mirror#OKAY let me explain the context#street food is a big thing in hk and quick and easy things like fish balls egg waffles and like siu mai and wonton noodles are popular#back then people really would just squat down on the side of the road or right in front of the shop to eat it and go#but i don’t think anyone does that anymore city life and all that#ohh i should have done instant noodles breakfasts god i loved those#if anyones from hk if you go to the causeway bay mtr station exit that leads up to the big road near sogo. do they still sell siu mai there#that shit was BANGER i remember asking for them all the time#a good majority of parents in hk would get their daughters ears pierced as a baby something about them not feeling as much pain idk#that’s just what i was told#i used the neon for her friendly standard greeting cause i wanted to incorporate the neon signs somehow without actually drawing a whole bg#lots of neon signs in hk. i heard they had to take them down cause of light pollution which is sad but understandable#everyone got their shoes from dr kong. at least when i was younger they did#boy band is self explanatory. i heard they’re really popular my mom listens to them#oh i had her messing with her shoes cause hk people move FAST. you stop for one second and you get shoved#so like a fun little allusion#gave her black roots just for fun. she is violating every school uniform code possible#this is all based off of my memory by the way so like. anyone who knows this better than i do hit me up#hatsune miku#miku from my culture#jellos scribbles#i haven’t tag yapped in so long welcome back my love i missed you
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i use dissociation more than anything i’ve ever learned in my 10yrs of therapy
#actually bpd#bpd problems#bpd vent#actually borderline#actually mentally ill#bpd fp#bpd#bpd shitposting#bpd favorite person#bpd mood#dissociation is my favorite coping mechanism#that and avoidance#i love avoiding my problems until i can’t take it anymore and have a full blown breakdown about it#it’s easier to go through life ignoring everything that’s bothering you until it all just explodes one day#idk maybe that’s just me tho#right after every breakdown i feel like shit tho cuz i usually freak out everyone around me but i don’t know how else to cope#even tho i’ve had 10yrs of therapy nothing else worked for me#so dissociation it is babyyyy
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yeehaw or smth
#jjba#jjba fanart#jojo's bizarre adventure#jojo fanart#jojos bizarre adventure#steel ball run#jjba part 7#jojo part 7#jjba steel ball run#sbr fanart#jojo sbr#jjba sbr#sbr#jojo steel ball run#steel ball run fanart#johnny joestar fanart#johnny jojo#jjba johnny#johnny joestar#gyro zeppeli#gyro zeppeli fanart#jojo gyro#jjba gyro#gyjo#<- could be interpreted ss platonic or romantic i dont really care#dont know why this was so difficult nothing was looking right#still feel like it could be better but if i touch it anymore im going to lose it
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(abt my last ask) thank you for the answer, your understanding of charas is trully stellar!
I wanted to ask, what's your take on recovery!au (unless you intend to cover it in your fic)? In the universe, where Jimmy happens, but the crew somehow survives. Everyone is traumatised, Anya is pregnant, Curly is disabled (could he even be able to afford disability aids? Pony express in no more, would they even be paid a sufficient compensation?). There is also a question of p*lice investigation (or whatever agency is responsible for space crimes), even more trauma... Man, it's bleak.
-💀
I like them sad but for emotional and physical recovery reason rather than all the actual legal stuff that would ensue.
I like when Swansea relapsing is explored and Daisuke losing a little bit of his light. I am clearly a big supporter of Anya and Curly remaining close friend after but I think exploring the unhealthy dynamics of the trauma bond they’d develop should be played with way more. I think it’s a bit annoying when people are on the nose about Anya telling Curly he should’ve done more, especially when he’s struggling through recovery.
I feel like people really want her to be a character to rub salt into wounds, just to give her something cathartic, but it’s just OOC for me. It’s not a kindness thing but I don’t think she wants that sort of guilt to stay with him like that? He did not do what Jimmy did, he could’ve done more to stop it but she would not intentionally try to direct what she can never take out towards Jimmy at Curly. At least when they all make it out. This is not to say she doesn’t think he shouldn’t have any remorse but she understands that no one else could have foreseen Jimmy crashing the ship or getting that bad.
I like when it gets psychoanalytic in fics with the crew. Talk about Curly finally opening up on details on how he and Jimmy were friends, have the others realize how bad Jimmy was to even Curly, not a lot of people realize that they don’t know how Jimmy was to him. Have Anya be angry and snippy, have her worry she’s becoming like Jimmy even though she could never be like him, it’s that fear though, that she is owed that cathartic release and may take it out on others in some selfish subconscious desire to reclaim control for herself. Have her actualize-herself, is med school the only option? What does she want now? Does Swansea divorce his wife, give up on the life he created because he was just following the path of a good man, one he didn’t believe? Or does he stay and use the time he has left to make it something he believes in. How is Daisuke? Is he more mature or does he lose a little light? What are his new aspirations if any? His relationship with his parents?
Ultimately, I think a recover au should really focus on just them actually getting to know each other and filling themselves. So much of their interactions were likely based on coworker dynamics first. With that out the window they are now people who can’t really move on from each other but need to move on in life.
#ngl I’m a baby and do like recovery aus where jimmy dies and Curly is injured but not as badly#mainly because the theme of characters not getting what they desire both as like a reward and improper punishment hurt#like that should’ve been Jimmy in the damn cockpit like again wtf is wrong with curly cause he was just no fear or plan willing to risk his#life like again he would’ve eventually done the right thing and had to live with the guilt of not doing it sooner cause mans effectively#killed himslef with that stunt idk he’s an odd white fellow#I want Anya to be happiest in these aus because no one talks value the fear of becoming like ur abuser in a way like she’d be stuck on so#many ways he affected her and not know if she was like this before or he brought it out of her like would she feel like she gave curly to#him to abuse the bruises has to be obvious to a nurse did she really think they wouldn’t get into the med bay#was she being merciful to curly or not caring anymore like Jimmy wouldn’t? it’s not fair to her to have these thoughts#her attempts at doing the right thing were not misguided by selfish delusions but god she thinks they are for a bit Polle haunts her in a#different way as she realizes none of this was her burden and it shouldn’t be anyone else’s#idk post aus are fun but I just hate when people make it about punishing a character or overly pessimistic like damn get rid of that fix it#tag if nothing is resolved and everyon still wants to die 10 chapters in im trying to cry tears of relief i will be back for chapter 11#mouthwashing#ask#💀 anon
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MORE HAPRER PLEATHE HES SO FINE
youve asked this at such a good time because i had just had a harper design explanation idea and i wasnt sure if i should make it or not:
#im sorry i didnt do something more serious i tried to thats what ive been doing for the past since you sent this ask but. i couldnt#im sorry but feel free to send another ask and itll take me longer to get to it but ill draw something serious next time promise#my art#asks#harper the doctor#dol#anonymouse#sorry its not my usual style for this blog#just couldnt get it right with the other things#i also had to make like 4 new brushes because my old ones didnt feel right anymore#sigh. such is the life i lead#because i do think the side bun is cute but i do Not think harper would settle for that if there wasnt a good reason#my reasoning is that. harper cant tie their hair#please clap#im trying to find what this looks like though but i cant#but i swear one of these panels looks exactly like something ive drawn before#i just cant put my finger on it#maybe it was a sketch i deleted or something i have no idea#EDIT: found it it was a sketch on whiteboard my friend took a screenshot of#i dont feel right putting this in the dol tags because this is literally nothing. something that only applies to my design of harper#but i do want to keep my blog sorted :(
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How much would it cost to see post lov Loudspeaker with all of his scars? I have shiny rocks and seashells
Doesn't take much to convince me to draw Loudspeaker. But give me your coolest rock.
#horikoshi give mic scars challenge#make him cooler >:(#if i had the rights to mha I'd make the Loudspeaker au canon I reckon it'd really add some excitement#I don't keep up with the show any more I only pay attention when Mic is doing something#If he dies I'm going mental because there is no reason in the plot for him to die. I think Horikoshi kills off characters#just for shock value sometimes#like Midnight#done being annoyed. chill again now#his burns were originally supposed to be hand shaped but that was really hard to draw#did anyone notice in the showdown comic that his hair gradually flattened so it wasn't in the Loudspeaker style anymore#to show his return to the light#or did i illustrate that for nothing#i feel like it's not as effective if I just tell you I did it but whatever#imagine if you were in class and your teacher made you analyse the Loudspeaker au#bnha#hizashi yamada#present mic#villain!mic#loudspeaker au#im going to dekaianime do you guys want anything
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me: haven't posted regularly for a while. also me: convinced that everyone on this site hates me for this reason. the whole world: *barely noticed I ever existed *
#still not sure about this#the way I miss this site but also I feel like I don't have nothing to say anymore#even use others people beautiful words it's difficult right now#I don't know what I feel#It's like I have so many words inside myself and they are trying to come out in some way but it's too much all in once#so in the end they are useless and incomprehensible#I'm very chaotic even while I try to explain my feelings#I'm so sorry#ignore me
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