#not weird but just not rly like myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

turian · 7 months ago

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the egg cracked and then i did a decent job of refurbishing it and got some fabergé shit going but i kept acting like the egg was cracked without really noticing i was doing it and then after years of this i was like "oh shit hey this egg right here has cracks in it. someone cracked this egg and then tried to cover it up. wtf. i clearly had nothing to do with this tho"

#the fact that there r examples of ppl irl also assuming i was a man now #cause it was def a thing online before but.#shout out to that one barista #i feel like i also do this thing tho where i act kinda weird tone wise #not weird but just not rly like myself #when i first meet people #because to me masking is sort of tied with performed femininity maybe idk

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ciderjacks · 4 months ago

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therapy

#personal #vent #comic #im fine rn btw im just reflecting #Working thru all my issues alone is starting to feel like a larger task than its worth though #I was able to largely deal w one big trauma recently after 4 years and I was rly proud of myself for that bc I did it alone #So Like I’m not even saying I can’t work thru my issues by myself #But like. Maybe I shouldn’t have to yk #Like the truth is I like myself a lot and I don’t like watching myself suffering as weird as that sounds #So maybe I need to take initiative for once instead of putting myself thru awful shit waiting to work it out #But also I’d have to talk to my parents bc therapy isn’t cheap and I’m still on their insurance afaik #And everytime I’ve talked to them about therapy it’s been like this 😭 they don’t deal with emotions well at all #And there’s never a good time to bring it up

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grossillygirl · 4 months ago

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ik this sounds weird because like my body is "attractive" but im not used to guys finding me attractive. religious upbringing combined with growing up in a place where all the boys were white and i experienced racism i just assumed i was very unattractive 😭 like i thought i looked deformed it was bad

and now i realise like im beautiful and i dont dress in hoodies to cover up my body anymore and like i wear makeup cus i believe that i have beauty in the first place to accentuate. and anyway, its like. i find it do surreal when a guy is genuinely attracted to me. like theyve seen my face, my figure, and they hit on me???? What. The hell. ITS SCARIER WHEN ITS WOMEN CUZ IM LIKE OH MY GOD UR MKRE BEAUTIFUL DONT TALK TO ME. yk?

so anyway yeah i just am struggling to process that people might find me cute? or pretty or anything???? like idk it's insane to me i didnt think it was really possible. but its started to become like "ok they only rly value me cus of how i look" and thats sad LMAO so like polar opposite to before😭😭

its crazy how whej my mindset changed.. i genuinely started to look better. my skin is better, i have better day to day interactions, im nicer to myself, I actually do grooming which makes me look better, i have the confidence to wear clothes that compliment my body etc. im rambling so much but idc 😭 i constantly am thinking about this

I ALSO realised that when ppl can tell im insecure, they jump at the opportunity to worsen it. when im confident, i genuinely attract nicer ,kinder, uplifting people. si yeah anyway im done

#i used to think i was so ugly that ehen a guy liked me i would think “ik he likes me 4 my brain cus everything about my appearance is ugly”#and my logic would be well he has to be a rly good guy then cuz theres no way hes attracted to me #LIKE WHAT #I SWEAR DOWN I GREW UP AROUND SO MANY HATERRSSSSS #its nice having a sliver of confidence 😭😭#im not being conceited btw but its just weird. i no longer an self deprecating.. i see value in myself? mind boggling #interesting thoughts

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murdleandmarot · 9 months ago

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The gang’s all here!! They’re on the case!! And there’s no ghost that they wouldn’t chase!!!!!

@mysticalcats’s Foxglove, @toki-toro’s Chaumet, @emimii’s Clownaire, and my own Bluebelle :)

#this was indeed the project I was working on lmao #WHY DID THIS TAKE 17 BILLION YEARSSSSSS #I actually rly like how the actual paint turned out #ESPECIALLY FOR FOXGLOVE SQUEEEEE #he looks so cute….and I got all the colors mixed for Chaumet #watercolor oc painting: 1 #back paint neck pain headache pain: 0 #no but sketching this took such! a long! time!#I just straight up could not get foxglove and bluebelle right it was maddening #but I persisted and I beat the odds‼️‼️ Yipee‼️‼️#I love all of these guys so so so much I’ll prolly never stop thinking about them #please never stop talking about your ocs ever #and I am working on being coherent about Bluebelle as we speak!!!!#I got an idea and now I’m trying to make my brain not be mean about it #literally just chanting to myself ‘YOU! CAN MAKE! IT AS WEIRD!! AS! YOU WANT!!!’#shoutout to my fairytales throughout that ages book for inspiring me #100 points and a drawing of your choice if you can figure out the story Bluebelle’s backstory is based on lmao #ANYHOW #I just be rambling in these tags I perhaps need to calm down lol #I LOVE YALLS OCS FOREVER AND EVER!!!!#clownaire was literally perfect from the start I NAILED his pose first try and then he was very supportive the rest of the way through #live laugh love 🫶🫶🫶💐💐💐🩰🩰🩰#next up: Jemima painting!! with two special guests!!!#oh shit those are a lot of tags uhhhh I’m done now i promise 🫶🫶#cats the musical #cats musical #cats oc #jellicle oc #sorah’s silly scribbles #(also the text right under the drawing are a Scooby doo song LMAO it’s called Dig It Scooby Doo it’s insanely catchy)

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chiimeramanticore · 4 days ago

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waow

#before anything else i must warn this is going to be. unorganized thoughts mostly #in the last year or so ive tried to regain confidence that i am in fact plural and am not just faking it #or mistaking other symptoms for DID. shake off the denial y'know. as is so signature for this damn disorder #a diagnosis probably wouldnt even make me feel more sure lol. and also getting diagnosed for this specifically is like #the final boss of psychiatry to put it lightly lol #but when it quiets down in headspace ur always gonna feel like. maybe its over. whatever that was #it was just me and brandy for a while #but guess who had a godawful night and then a godawful morning and split a new alter ‼️‼️🔥🔥🔥🔥#he hates it here! he might hate me for creating him! im not sure !#hell im not even rly sure if im juno or brandy rn lol. my mind is just so messy today #i woke up.. when did i wake up. like 9:30 i think and its 1pm now and i haven't gotten out of bed #i don't even remember all that time passing . i couldve sworn its only been like an hour. two at most #on the one hand this has all been kinda terrible and mentally exhausting but at the same time. hey cant say im faking now LMAO #the other hand is brandy. the other hand is absolutely brandy. i am tired lol #im only posting this here so i can just like. process it i guess #ive had a weird time finding an outlet to just spew random thoughts into since leaving twitter so. sorry #idk if anyone's expecting this of me but i always kinda feel like i need some level of professionalism on this account #keyword some. i know this is tumblr #but idk if these very open posts are. annoying? weird? uncomfortable? entertaining somehow?#i know I know theres no point in worrying abt how others percieve you . knowing that hasnt stopped me from doing it lol #i dont remember where i was going w this. maybe i didnt have a goal in the first place #idk if you read this far i dont rly need u to act like u didnt see it cuz like. wouldnt have posted it otherwise #but idk why i am posting. idk what i want out of anyone who has read all this #maybe just. interact w this post in some way idk. it's actually kinda grounding for me if you can believe it #bleghh im thinkin of cheating on my weed break just to treat myself after all this. weed + a long walk would fix me

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stardial · 8 months ago

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You're super cool and if they don't have a crush on you that's their loss. You deserve someone who is endlessly grateful to spend time with you. Someone who's desperate to be with you. Accepting anything less than that is beneath you

WELL. idk i’m actually fine w most ppl not crushing on me? i can get all these things out of a rly nice friendship too <3 i’m specifically hoping this One person is crushing on me because they’re incredibly fun to flirt with

#i think generally like. i just wanna be friends w ppl and if i also happen to find them hot maybe have a little sex #the one relationship i AM in rn. the one w rama. is only able to be as intimate as it is because we always primarily treated it like #a friendship where we just happened to also have sex? and at some point we’d just gotten so close to each other that it was virtually #indistinguishable from a relationship #any time i’ve properly dedicated myself to trying to have a romantic relationship w someone it just Has Not Worked cuz #i’m probably just a little bit aro. it always just exhausts me and i act weird n stupid #sorry this isn’t rly what the ask was abt but i’ve had a LOT of thoughts on the subject recently #asks

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marsixm · 1 month ago

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let myself get a little weird and sad yesterday and now im depressed about loneliness again, but its so crucial to remember im not? lonely? first of all, and also a lot of the people ive known who have that Number One Soul Mate Bestie On The Phone 24/7 thing going on with a friend or partner, surprise it all went down in flames bc it was terrible the whole time and only sustained by one persons soul being crushed most of the time

#obviously not saying all close relationships are like that #one of my good friends has a friendship like that and they really are just really that compatible #and i do hold out hope to have a good one one day #its just me reminding myself not to get all depressed and weird just because i saw someone on the phone #bc loneliness is better than emotional abuse !!!! 100% of the time!!!!!!!#rly i just wish i was married but i dont like anyone i know lmfao #im a holmes without a watson. a spock without a kirk. aka just some weirdo in an apartment with a job and too many hobbies hes not doing lo

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luck-of-the-drawings · 9 months ago

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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING

#cw blood #luckys original content #ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG #also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project #FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD #SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter #and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do #THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG #i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then #i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that #ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours #so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time #i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly #and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more #but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho #we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange #yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but #she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that #i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated #i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others #AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG #IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES #MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL #LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU #AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES #ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU

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hopecomesbacktolife · 4 months ago

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thinking of rereading the entirety of HoME again. for my health

#‘for my health’ says the woman who has been struggling so much she’s barely read a book in the last half year lmao #silmarillion #(eh close enough)#tolkien #personal #also because I got so viscerally appalled when someone the other day tried to claim that ‘the second age has a lot less written about it tha #n the first age’ like I beG YOUR PARDON LMAO WHOMST #clearly someone hasn’t read unfinished tales 🙂‍↔️ clearly someone hasn’t read the entirety of HoME 🙂‍↔️#and like obviously idc idc I’m not a completionist truther read as much or as little of a fandom as you want enjoy what you want etc.#but when I went ‘oh there’s actually a lot in unfinished tales and in the home! it’s rly fascinating and fun and some of my favorites have y #ou had a chance to check it out ever?’ this person rly had the audacity to say they’ve ’read some of the unfinished tales’ like hm. somethin #tells me I don’t believe you lmao #I have never once in my life heard someone call. unfinished tales. the book. titled unfinished tales. ‘the unfinished tales’ like lmao what #anyways. it’s okay to admit you haven’t read something babe I was actually gonna recommend a few parts of that book and HoME you might enjoy #but 💋 okay then 💋#also normally I’d give ppl the benefit of the doubt but this person is Like This TM a lot and always has to outdo others & im over it lmao #but also also anyways. I am not immune to the HoME rereleased editions with that gorgeous artwork they are calling me and I am weak to #resist their siren song 😭😂 they’re so beautiful but each set of like 3-4 books (some have 3 some have 4 and the last one also has an index)#are like. over $100 each lmao ripppp.#I do own a few of the HoME but I don’t own all of them and. aaaaaa I need a complete reread #13 yo me 🤝🏻 late 20s yo me : going ‘hmm life is crazy maybe I need to immerse myself in the obscurent most dense Tolkien lore I possibly can #and yknow what. we’re so right. we’re so right #the history of middle earth #unfinished tales #and that conversation. as weird and posturing as that person was being. did get me reminiscing about my HoME obsessed days and I was like aw #I should revisit that :)#sometime self care is rereading 12 volumes of obscure lore about a fictional world with no one to talk with it about #anyways home my beloved. unfinished tales my beloved. love those books #obviously OBVIOUSLY I love the silmarillion and LOTR and the hobbit and beren and luthien etc etc ad infinitum as well! ofc! I just. I love #all of them ♡ hehe ♡

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cimicherrychanga · 4 months ago

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i wish i wasnt so deeply self conscious about everything i enjoyyyyy i wish my most indulgent fantasies didnt all boil down to 'what if someone just UNDERSTOOD me on matters i never actually talk about and felt the same way about things'

#shut up dave #every time im having too good of a time just vibin by myself i inevitably do a 180 n get sad #bc the evil rama in my head is like thats weird and not allowed stop that #okay ive had a solid cry since writing that last tag im less fucked up now. ig i do have this one friend who gets me there...#i could talk to them...i could. try molding them to my needs.......#(<-sounds rly bad when i say it like that. this is because i am a vile fiend.)

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fraternum-momentum · 1 year ago

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I CANT I CANTTTTTTT I WILL LITERALLY EXPLODE RJIKNHGKRSBKFUCKNHJHFBNJEA JFHBAEJHBFJHBHBHBHBHBBAZHJDBAJHDBAJKHBDJKNA????A//////!?!!!!!!!!??!!???!?!?!??!! I CANNOT I LITERALLY NOT THE CAN I CANTTTTTT RAUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

#⚠️WARNING⚠️TAGS R SUPER FUCKING LONG I NEEEEED TO RAMBLE ABOUT LOVE AND DEEPSPACE I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS #SUGGESTIVE ART? NSFW? LITERAL GODDAMN PORN? LIGHT WORK NO REACTION #POV ROMANTIC OTOME GAME SHIT WITH THE TINIEST HINT OF SPICE??? I CANNOT ITS TOO MCUH I ITS AUGHHH IM JNUHJHFUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK #IM LIKE FUCKING PLAYING THIS GAME WITH A HAND COVERING MY EYES WHILE PEEKING ITS TOO MUCH #I AM LOOKING AWAY EVERY SECOND IM NOT STRONG ENOUGH FUCKUNGBHGJGHJHGHGBJJH #I HATE HATE HATEEEEE (not rly) IT WHEN THEY GET NEAR U ITS AUGH ITS SO WEIRD I PUT MY PHONE FURTHER AWAY FROM ME OUT OF EMBARASSMENT #SOMETIMES I LOSE MY IMMERSION AND GET SELF AWARE AND THINK TO MYSELF THIS IS SO FUCKING WEIRD... THIS IS WHY I DONT PLAY OTOME GAMES DUDE #like no hate to otome games its just way too much for me i get way too embarassed abt playing them its def a me thing #ok first of all the combat is p ok actually it reminds me of pgr and hi3 altho i like pgr better :] (lee my beloved)#i did burst out laughing when i found out abt it cause i thought it would be like mysme and its just visual novel shit but its really okay #also i did a bit of thinking as to why i dont find the charas super appealing & its cause theyre obv manifactured to b 'the perfect guy'#like you know how pugs were bred to be cute but end up deformed and stuff? yea kinda like that #im not saying theyre deformed but thats the vibes im getting #deformed pug vibes #the jp vas are pulling thru though #ALSO I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF GACHA pleaseee i alr play hsr + gi + /occasionally/ pgr and stopppp i hate the gamba aspect of the games #AND IM NOT JUST SAYING THAT BC I DIDNT GET THE CARD I WANT #.................. OKAY SO MAYBE I DIDNT GET WHAT I WANT THE POINT STILL STANDS #i like them (reluctantly) all so far ? idk no one is rlly my fav yet tbf im still at ch. 2 so..#theyre all cute ig zayne is nice maybe i dunno i like his shoulders......? hes very cold tho cause haha ice powers #i call him elsa in my head #xaiver is also nice? hes cute? hes sleepy n shit #rafayel is kinda goofy? aloof? but in the 'she's so crazzzzzzzzzy! i love her!' way (look it up if u dont know) and im not super into that #hes the one whimpering though so it is what it is #overall i think ill keep playing until i get the card i want ill also prolly play it on my laptop instead cause its super laggy on my phone #idk how ill deal with the combat part tho but thats a problem for future me lolol #okay yea idk if anyone is still reading this but i dont want my irls to know that im playing this game so here we r #idk why im using the tags to ramble its way more fun like its more casual i think #OKAY YEA BYE #frambling...?

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skitskatdacat63 · 7 months ago

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Painting 🖼

#need to draw for myself more lmfao #i wish i felt this comfortable using saturated colors like this in other art but #its difficult #i feel like i can only do it w original art #AAAAAGGHHH I LIKE THIS ONE A LOT #im rly proud of the clothes. very leyendecker to me #its weird how much i like the pink considering i never use hot pink 😭😭#its just very fitting for this idk #also i was gonna draw a different outfit #but before i knew it i sketched 1700s stuff 😭😭 i cant help it #its too perfect yknow....#also funny anecdote i must tell you #when i was in middle school we had to do an assignment related to the monkey's paw #and one of the questions was like: whats a wish you cna think of that doesnt have any possible caveats #and mine was: oh i wish i could draw ruffles well!!!#and here i am. however many years on. STILL FUCKING WISHING I COULD DRAW RUFFLES BETTER #theyre okay in this. but i force myself to draw them a lot bcs theyre still difficult as hell to me #well anyways. personal art wooooooo. cause i need to force my brain back into drawing for myself mainly #well actually i always draw for myself bcs every piece is pretty esoteric #but my brain is still like: notes??? does anyone even care???#catie. i care. your own self cares <3 #catie.art.

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grossillygirl · 3 months ago

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Gluggrugbrug

#i feel so weird cuz he does offer to get me things + help me out #but i do not know how to accept or how to know if he reallt means it or if its like “im offering politely but i don't wanf u to accept fr”#and he did explicitly say hes not just being polite+ he rly wants to help out #and told me to put his card onto like my phone 😭😭#BUT HOW DO I NOT FEEL EVIL #but like i rly woild appreciate it cuz im zo broke rn🧍🏽‍♀️#but i dont want him to think im a weirdo freak yk?#like hes told me he doesnt think that but what if he cant forsee that he will think that if i accept?#YOU KNOW??????#anywayyyy #glugluglug #i have anxiety about literally so many things #i might have to accept cuz fr im gonna need an air fryer to feed myself from 🧍🏽‍♀️

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eschynite · 5 months ago

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Maybe I'm projecting and being hopeful but I mentioned to M that I don't even get to shit by myself in peace lmao and I feel like something clicked for him. Bc I was like hey, at least you get private bathroom breaks at work (noncombative). And since then he's been a lot more acquiescent when I ask if I can nap and stuff

#he's never rly said no he just used to be like 'well whaf if i want to nap' like in the early parenting days #which evolved into 'yeah i guess'-type responses #lately he's more like 'yeah!' like his tone is less. whatever it was before #same with any requests i make in general like if he'll put e down for bed and stuff #idk my weird episode epiphany thing i went through last week has me feeling much less patient and self-questioning #it's just a fact that constantly asking myself if i'm being considerate enough of others has done nothing for me #like it hasn't even improved my relationships.. i don't really have any lol #like i'm done biting my tongue bc idk if i've properly considered their perspective.. i end up blowing up at minor things as a result anyway #like it makes me a worse partner fr #i also really feel like i've been putting daggers thru my own spirit by doing this for so long #like i need to stop troubleshooting my existence like 'what if i conform this way' 'what if i conform that way'#here's what if: you will be profoundly unhappy and no one who you love will truly know you #this is such a tangent off what i started talking about but basically i'm done reflexively wondering #every time i feel wronged disrespected etc. if actually i'm the one in the wrong. it really is reflexive #the way m's mom responded to me setting a boundary was a wake up call like apparently she just read into what i was saying too much #so hypothetically it wasn't the boundary she was angry about but how she thought i set it #but like i don't have any time for you if my extremely sincere and straightforward communication isn't good enough for you #like i'm not going to be understanding of your inability to take me at face value we didn't both fuck up. You did #and that's how i'm going to act. like You fucked up. yk

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puppppppppy · 1 year ago

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#UAUHGG im havung oc thoughts. plaguing myBRAIN. i can feel my heartrate spiking holy shit #ok so. i rly wanna touch up presto and shuffles story without scaring myself out of it by overthinking it. esp the implications of #them having animal features and what they would eat. as well as worldbuilding character dynamics setting background characters ugghh.#constantly have to tell myself its just for fun. basically theyre rival magicians who keep their identities secret and fuck it up in #the funniest way possible LMAO. they rent the same apartment and the landlady accidentally gives it to both of them without them knowing #so they end up walking in on each other out of costume and have this weird tension around not revealing each others identities despite thei #borderline malicious rivalry. blackmail may or may not be involved i havent decided yet #they DO consider backing out of tenancy but they decide not to so they can make sure they dont reveal each others identities #thats the idea but its really abstract bc i dont have a direction or writing in mind. they just rattle in my head like spare change #other stuff i have rn is. they both consider each other a copycat and they have the same skill level of magic #but they have different styles and techniques theyre just too focused on outperforming each other to notice #presto likes to make people laugh so they probably include gags and impossible feats. shuffle is more elegant and focuses on #smooth movements and dangerous stunts. i want to make that reflect in their costumes but its hard bc stage magician costumes tend to stick #to suits and capes.. so idk. then maybe side characters like the landlady and other tenants but i havent given em much thought orz #i really should practice with concepts because i have a bad habit of making everything similar to the first try so its frustrating #and i suck at writing characters. but im doing this for fun so im trying not to get hung up on whether its generic or not #yapping #stares at the floor. maybe i should make a carrd for my ocs #oc talk #presto #shuffle

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phagodyke · 1 year ago

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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....

#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space #like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else #other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh #to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn #i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding #and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt #unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow #and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation #abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol #and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever #and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress #i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes #like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up #a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl #ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs #im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo #.diaries #zzzzz

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