#not to sound incredibly suicidal but idk how much more i can take

[stonedopossums]

at least I only work 5 hours today

[wilcze-kudly]

Suyin wasn't "coerced" to commit a crime, neither did she want to take herself out of the situation. She wanted to get her friends out of paying for their crimes because she's spoiled and entitled.

She didn't "have" to travel the world, she was sent to family members to take her away from a criminal and endangering environment, and she decided to escape because she's too much of a pick me girl to stay with the so called family "that didn't show her affection". To be honest, you speak of her as some kind of adult avatar-styled Rapunzel, instead of a teenager who deserved to be reprimanded.

She did turn her life around, and kudos to the creators for showing that. No one can say that her story and background is boring by any chance.

She, however, is not the most likeable character out there to a big part of the fandom, but I seriously doubt someone is taking it as seriously as you seem to do. Just chill.

Istg this happens almost everytime I post something mildly touching on the fact that Suyin deserves compassion too. Though you may be the same anon who blew up my inbox a while back so it might just be you.

I've always found the disdain we have for "troubled teens" upsetting because usually, when a teenager "acts out", there's more of a reason behind it that just "ooh they're spoilt or entitled".

[Trigger warning for self harm and suicidal ideation mentions]

Like, I was a very difficult teen back in the day. I argued with my parents, even got into physical altercations, skipped school, ran away from home at night. I was also going through a severe depression, dealing with a shitton of childhood trauma, cutting on the regular and making multiple attempts on my life. Hell, if my parents had brushed me off as "a kid who needs to be disciplined" I probably would've killed myself at 14. It doesn't excuse me for punching my dad in the stomach when he was just trying to stop me from running away into the night but it doesn't mean I didn't deserve help.

[End of Trigger Warning]

These two things can be correct at the same time. Suyin can have done a shitty thing that deserves reprimand and that she needs help that she seemingly had to find on her own. But like, guess which of these two is almost exclusively focused on.

And I mean, it's totally not like the Avatar fandom has a habit of expressing extreme hate towards young girls (especially young girls of colour) making sub optimal choices or just beind "annoying". I've just never seen that before.

Suyin grew up with Toph, who Lin herself has described like this:

Suyin : No, no. My children are a blessing. Lin: Yeah, mom used to say that too, but she never meant it.

Which btw, still an incredibly hillarious thing to say in front of Suyin's children: "Hi kids I'm your aunt Lin and your mother is lying about loving you"

While Suyin has, as a child, expressed doubt that Toph would even care that she's skipping school. And as an adult, she has described her childhood with Lin as "competing for their mother's affection" and still has doubts whether or not her mother is happy with how either of them turned out.

Hell, even though Su and Toph have been said to have made up, Toph still maintains a heavy layer of distance between them, seemingly dissappearing for years at a time!

It's honestly sad how Suyin hugs Toph and puts up statues of her everywhere in Zaofu and yet Toph still just fucked off to the swamp when Opal was probably less then ten and did not contact them.

I mean, sounds like there's not a lot of motherly affection going on there, dude. Idk what to tell ya. We know there were no fathers around either.

And Lin was also a victim of this environment, so I don't really want this to come off as me blaming her for the way she acted towards Su. But Lin is hardly what I would call affectionate.

So of course Suyin would put so much stock in her relationships outside the house. And her friends happened to be fucking criminals fucking hell. And of course Lin, being a kid too did not know how to approach this situation properly, so she inadvertently just pushed Suyin closer to them by insulting them and making her feel defensive.

Because that's what all fucking teens do. The internalise things, they rely on their peers to form their perception of things and they want to be independent. So when someone, especially someone who isn't a parent tries to control them, guess how they'll react? They dig their heels in. Especially a teen like Suyin who has virtually no reason to listen to her older sister other than a vague "I know better than you" type of vibe which really pisses teens off. That's like the time when talking down to them is the worst thing to do.

And fuck off with saying getting arrested and screamed at by your sister in the middle of the road isn't a stressful situation that you wolud wanna get out of. Lin punched a car so hard it dented! (Especially that Lin has already been confirmed to use her status as a police officer against people she has a vendetta against, like when SHE TRIED TO THROW PEMA IN JAIL FOR STEALING HER MANS like how tf did we brush over that)

What I always find interesting in this scene is the front that Su puts on in front of Lin, which slips up a few times, particularly when Lin can't see her expression. Because Suyin is, of course being a fucking brat and taunting Lin, but you can clearly see that she's stressed out.

Suyin also describing the reason she helped her friends as a getaway driver is something I find interesting:

Suyin: I didn't steal anything. I just drove the car. I owed my friends a favor. It's not a big deal.

Of course she's scared and minimising her involvement but the usage of "owing her friends" could very easily imply her not exactly being too hyped about this, as well as her insistence on not stealing anything.

Because the thing about Suyin is that, especially in the flashbacks, we see her only in Lin's PoV. We don't see her relationship with her friends, what led up to the robbery, anything. Which makes sense, because the flashbacks are supposed to be Lin's. But that means we're viewing Su with the inherent bias of Lin, who clearly has an agenda against Su.

Lin clearly blames Suyin for Toph leaving policework, despite us later seeing how burnt out and cynical Toph was about being a cop. Its more likely that Su's arrest was a wake-up call for Toph, but she left due to the buildup of stress and disillusionment and Lin, who has been idolising her mother and her mother's career blamed it on Suyin in her head.

Hell, even they made up, Lin still immediately pivots to accusing Suyin of being involved in the Red Lotus' attack. Despite the attack placing Suyin's life, the lives of her sons and the lives of her guards at risk and Suyin going out of her way to thwart it.

And Suyin's life is just a fucking mess after this point like: betrayal by close friend, daughter kidnapped by terrorists, anarchy in the kingdom, leaders of 2 foreign governments trying to pressure her into subjugating the people in the name of a monarch she doesn't support, betrayal part 2; child boogaloo, the country she lives in being declared a dictatorship, city under literal siege, threat of attack in 24 hours, the fucking Avatar doing fuck all to help, a desperate attempt at assassinating the leader, getting caught and placed in questionably humane restraints, having to watch her daughter be forced to flee, PUBKIC HUMILIATION, the arrest of her non combative son and husbandd, INHUMANE JAIL CELL...

Do I need to go on? Like the moment the Krew came to her gouse her life just started to fucking fall apart its actually kinda hillarious.

And calling Suyin a "pick me" is just... unfounded? Who's she trying to get picked by? Her mom who doesn't love her? Girlie just wanted a family she literally said so in the show, put your listening ears on, babes.

I understand that Suyin isn't the most likeable character to people. I can understand why they dislike her. She can be annoying, hypocritical, rash, the poor structuring of the episodes around her and Lin makes it so she gets unearned favour from the writers etc. People who like Lin and Kuvira, two extremely popular characters in the fandom have an easy villain in their faves' lives if they just tweak Suyin a bit.

But that doesn't mean I'm obligated to dislike her too or that I'm not allowed to post about her in a way that doesn't allign with the fandom's narrative of her. You're not obligated to read it, hun, you can block the #pro suyin beifong tag if it makes you that upset to see me

I want to appreciate parts of Suyin which aren't highlighted by the fandom and I'm allowed to do that. Just because it doesn't fit with your clearly overtly negative opion of the character well, tough luck. And hey, I gladly take the opportunity to talk about Suyin, but I've also made a ridiculous amount of posts around har and have probably addressed almost every single fandom complaint of her at some point so I'm starting to get a little tired of repeating myself lol.

And I'll be the first to admit, my own teenage years probably heavily affect how compassionate I am towards Suyin, particularly in her younger years. But I know how much people hate "troubled teens", how little compassion thet are given.

The narrative that if a misbehaving teenager just gets deisciplined and reprimanded enough they'll stop being "spoilt and entitled" or acting out is wrong and harmful. It hurts tons of teenagers by not getting them the help they need and it would've fucking killed me.

Also hun, I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I tend to use hyperbole a lot. I'm a dramatic bitch. Like did you also think I was serious when I said I'd shoot myself if I saw another ad for Amazon's shit lotr wannabe show?

Tbh everytime I get an ask like this I vaguely consider doubling down and commiting to the bit of being the fandom's "Lin Beifong hater". Though I feel like a lot of people wouldn't realise its a bit and think I actually hate her for real lol.

[eddiegettingshot]

this might sound deeply weird but i feel like buck is a bpd coded character?? i say this as someone with bpd. fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, reckless behavior (this can also include risky hookups, the stuff buck does on calls, etc), mood swings, even a bit of a temper. suicidal ideations and self harm are also pretty common. tw for self harm but i used to actually do that for my mom’s attention in high school. buck begins in some ways felt like looking in a mirror.

now bpd is actually much more of a spectrum than people realize (my case is pretty mild and im in recovery personally) and i see a lot of myself in buck, especially with how he tends to fuck up and then overcorrect and how he behaves in ways that are meant to make people stay but actually end up causing them to leave

theres a lot of misconceptions about bpd though, especially being that we are always abusive people who cant have stable relationships. those cases are definitely out there but many do still lead pretty normal lives once they get help!! i have many stable friendships (even funnily enough my best friend of 7 years like buck) but avoid dating because its a trigger for me. 704 DID very much remind me of some of my more erratic behavior before i was diagnosed and medicated — doing stupid shit for someone’s attention because even though i do understand people can have other friends, im convinced they’ll leave me anyway.

i really doubt theyd ever address it this way because bpd can be an INCREDIBLY taboo thing to talk about for a lot of people (ive lost friends for just mentioning the diagnosis) but i find it so weird to see how people kind of ignore buck’s behavior. i love him and i love that he has flaws and how i identify with him, but as a person with this mental illness i still WANT people to call me out on my mistakes and allow me to learn and grow from them. that’s why ive kept my friendships, especially with my best friend, and thats why i like buddie so much. eddie doesn’t just tell him what to do but calls him out on things and allows him to correct himself. that’s what i think is healthy

idk if this is a strange take or not but as a person with bpd i really identify with him 🤷‍♀️ and as someone with bpd i think the tommy stuff is still him continuing the pattern. i hope buddie does happen, though. itd be really nice to see someone identify with end up in a healthy relationship (also eddie is my favorite character and i want that for him too because he deserves it. especially with the trauma he’s been through) i think its nice to see characters that are so deeply fucked up in so many ways just be there for each other. not try to fix each other, but to sit there with them in their mess. to break down the door and sit with them while they cry and then help them patch up the holes later

anyway sorry for the novel lol i hope you have a good day hima and enjoy the episode tonight!!

i agree that it would be surprising for them to actually diagnose him like this on the show but i certainly think it’s fair to approach his character with this lens especially if you see so much of yourself in him. i don’t think this is strange AT ALL and i totally see what you’re saying!

and you’re so right. my favorite part of buddie is that they’re both fucked up and love each other for it. thanks for taking the time to share this with me 🤍🤍🤍

[g0rechan]

741-741

That’s the number you gave me when I was posting similar things like your last post.

Use it.

I love you. Ik this sounds parasocial but idc. You’re my only friend. I have no friends irl and chatting and vibing with you online has got me through incredibly difficult times for me. I was so lonely and still am, I had strong urges to commit suicide but you got me through it.

Please, use it. You’re an incredible person who’s funny and pretty and creative.

Call me a parasocial bitch all you want but I really want you to get help.

I did, I did call that number. I cried so hard and -aside from the time my dog died- it was genuinely the first time I’ve cried in such a long time.

I’ve been in such a dark place for god knows how long. It’s been so damn stressful and insane. The only thing preventing me from killing myself is friends, my art, fashion, and the events I get to attend with people. I love hanging out with friends, it distracts me from all my worries and all the bad that I know about.

I didn’t start feeling this way until I had to start adulthood with no preparation whatsoever and worry about paying bills and break my back to put a payment on my car that shouldn’t even be that ridiculously high (seriously, fuck capitalism).

And my parents tell me that I need to get over it bc I’m an adult and that stress is a part of life and that I’m not mentally ill, I’m a spoiled brat. Like WTF?! Yeah ik life is stressful, but I’m not allowed to be stressed??

I’m sure they were just as stressful as I am when they started adulthood. Especially since my mom was a fucking teenager when she had me and had to work jobs while my father was attending night school at the time since he had to drop out to support his family.

Ig they just don’t remember? Or maybe because they’re both in the upper middle class quadrant that they feel like they’re so much better than people who are struggling- Yes, I still live with them but I can’t consider myself as part of their family with how fucking irritatingly unhelpful they are.

I wanna go back to who I was as a teenager. Not caring, loving everyone… not being the bitter, angry, vindictive bitch that I am now. Before I used to be so happy when others were happy, but now whenever I get a manic episode and I see, like, idk a rich person or rich and upper middle class kids who didn’t have to grow up in poverty like I did, I feel bitter. Like, physically. I can feel it building up inside me and spewing into my mouth.

And once I get out of my episode, I feel so fucking stupid. It’s so childish and terrible, the last time I felt this way was when I was like, what? 12-13?? I’m like, “cmon, Miliani. Really?”.

I tell myself I should be happy, I have many friends and everyone is always telling me I’m so pretty, and artistic, and so many boys and even girls have crushes on me and try to get me stuff for free sometimes.

And I’m upset because, what? I don’t have money?? One minor thing that won’t make more of a person if I did??

… I don’t want to be rich. I just want to be financially comfortable. That is fucking all. And if I can’t be financially stable, I’d at least want people to care. I want people to understand.

I also just wanna have a connection with my mommy again instead of her being angry at me. I want to just be happy with what I have.

It sucks bc I can feel happy sometimes, but the bad thoughts always come back. It’s like my brain doesn’t want me to be happy. I talked to the suicide hotline and they recommended that I’d see my school counselor to get free accommodations for getting a proper mental diagnosis…

Overall, I don’t hate myself or my life. It’s just mental illness and the stress of this new stage in life is taking an absolute fucking toll on me.

I’m just glad that I finally know the root cause of my problems now instead of attacking myself and others in blind rage.

I’ll help myself, like I did with you. I feel good that I was able to help you through all the sad and stressful things in your life.

As of now, the thoughts are gone. They’ve come and gone all day, everyday. I know the thoughts will come back but til then. I want to strive to be the best version of myself. I want to learn to love and again. I want to be that caring, selfless, sweet girl again. And I know I can do it, with the help of friends and therapy.

When I learn to love myself, I can learn to love others again.

Thank you.

[drabbles-mc]

After Hours

Carmen 'Carmy' Berzatto & F!Reader

Whumptober 2022: No.31 A Light at the End of the Tunnel- Comfort

Warnings: 18+, language, smoking, grief/mourning, mental health, mentions of suicide, family deaths

Word Count: 2.8k

A/N: I trulyyyy cannot believe I made it to the end of Whumptober. A fic a day. Love it. Anyway. I wrote this fic in particular for me more than anyone else. It hits incredibly close to home.

A/N pt2: Shout-out to @narcolini and @garbinge for being my cheerleaders this whole month and listening to like??? Every thought that has popped into my head lmao. You two deserve medals. 🤝🏻💖

The Bear Taglist: idk how much i'm going to write for this series but if i do and you want to be tagged, let me know!

The two of you made your way down the steps of the church together. The door had barely shut behind him before Carmy was pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket. He placed one between his lips and was about to tuck it away before he thought better of it. Glancing over at you, he held it out to you in a silent offer. You knew that you probably shouldn’t, but given everything that was going on, you figured it wasn’t going to be the end of the world.

You let him light it for you when you reached the bottom of the steps. You tucked the hand that wasn’t holding onto the cigarette into the pocket of your jacket, and he mirrored your actions. The air around the two of you was thrown into a haze of smoke for a moment as the two of you stood there in silence.

You cleared your throat as you tapped the ashes off the end of your cigarette onto the ground. “Wanna grab coffee? Or a bite?”

He raised his eyebrows, a little surprised by the offer. But he shrugged, nodding. “Yea, yea sure. Got a spot in mind?”

You chuckled, shaking your head. “Figured I’d leave that to you. I don’t want to pick the wrong spot to take the chef to.”

A tiny smile curled his lips before he took a drag off of his smoke. “Fair. Come on,” he nodded towards the crosswalk, “I know a spot a few blocks away.”

You walked side-by-side. You thought it was going to be weird walking together, not saying anything, but it wasn’t. The cigarettes were enough of a distraction, the fleeting streams of smoke passing between you putting just enough of a barrier as you walked.

Carmy stopped outside the front door of a restaurant that was definitely closed. All of the lights were off. He snubbed his cigarette out on the ground, crushing it beneath his shoe. You were about to say something when you heard the jingling of keys as he pulled them out of his pocket. He sifted through the ones on the ring until he found the one that he needed, putting it into the lock on the front door.

He’d flipped a few of the lights on, but most of the place was still dark. You were sitting awkwardly on one of the stools at the counter, waiting for Carmy to reappear with coffee. You had tried to reassure him that you really just asked to grab coffee or food as an opportunity to talk a little more—it wasn’t a request for him to start actually working. You figured he’d done enough of that all day before he even turned up at the meeting.

He reappeared with two coffee mugs held in one hand, and two plates balanced on the other. Your eyes widened at the slices of chocolate cake he was bringing out. You weren’t sure what he was going to come back with, but this was better than whatever you had been trying to think of.

“Holy shit.”

He chuckled as he set the plates and mugs down. “Good—was hoping that would be your response.”

You eagerly picked up your fork and dug in. “You make this?”

He shook his head. “No. My one chef here, this is like his fuckin’ thing. This and donuts.”

“Donuts?” You couldn’t pretend that you weren’t interested.

“Yea,” he took a sip of his coffee, “Come back when we’re open and you can be his taste-tester.”

You nodded as you took another bite of cake. “I just might.”

Things were quiet between the two of you for a minute, the only sounds were the clinking of your forks against the plate and your coffee mugs against the counter. Every now and then you’d look at him as he stood on the opposite side of the counter from you. He was leaning onto it, bracing his forearms against it. You thought about telling him that he could take a seat on the side next to you, but something told you that he wouldn’t. That’s not what he did here—he was always moving.

“So,” he broke the silence as he scooped more cake onto his fork, “are you, what, my fuckin’ sponsor now?”

You chuckled, shaking your head as you took a sip of coffee. “I don’t know, do you want me to be your fuckin’ sponsor?” You paused, looking at him as you each watched for the other’s facial reactions. You toyed with the mug in your hands. “I just, I don’t know. Just felt like there was more to say?”

“Baring my soul in group wasn’t enough for you?” he joked.

You laughed, shaking your head. “That’s not what I said.”

He nodded. “Right. Well,” he gestured with the fork in his hand, “this place says it all.”

You smiled. “It’s a nice addition to the trauma-dump. Adds extra flavor.”

He fought the urge to smile, instead just taking another bite of the cake on the plate in front of him. He tried to drag it out for as long as he could before he finally looked back over at you. “Your turn. You know all about me, but I don’t think I ever heard you talk at any of those meetings.”

“Well,” you leaned, bracing your arms almost the same way that he was, “maybe if you had showed up a little sooner, you would know all of my shit too.”

“Sorry my brother didn’t die on a convenient enough timetable.”

You laughed. “Siblings never do. It’s really fucking inconsiderate of them to be honest.”

He paused. “That why you’re there too? Sibling shit?”

You nodded. “Mhm. Been about…” your voice trailed off, “It’ll be three years tomorrow.”

Carmy’s eyes widened, “Shit.”

You chuckled, not because it was funny but because what the fuck else was there to do? “Yea.”

“I’d ask you about it, but I don’t want to take away your possible talking points tomorrow.”

You laughed, rolling your eyes. “It’s not like I’m writing it all out like a fucking commencement speech. I don’t,” you shrugged, “I don’t even know if I’m gonna go tomorrow.”

“No?”

You toyed with the little bit of cake that was still on your plate. “It’s different every year. Last year I went. It was nice. I talked but I didn’t say what day it was or anything. Didn’t really matter, you know? She’s still dead all the other three hundred sixty-four days of the year too. Year before that I didn’t even get out of my fucking bed to brush my teeth, let alone go to a meeting.”

His tone was hushed, “Fuck.”

You let out a quiet, sad laugh, “Yea.” You shook your head. “Fucking middle child.”

“You? Or your sister?”

“My sister.” You took a bite. “I’m the youngest too.”

“You really know how to pick the people you don’t sponsor, huh?”

You laughed. “Like a sniper I sit and wait in the back of those meetings waiting for the perfect target.”

“And then you don’t sponsor them?”

You smiled. “And then I don’t sponsor them.” You paused for a moment, trying to turn the conversation back off yourself. “I know this place comes with a lot of fucking baggage for you,” you gestured around the seating area of the restaurant, “but I think it’s…it could be good for you.”

“My fuckin’ stomach ulcers that are coming back beg to differ.”

You smiled at that. “You’ll be stressed enough for ulcers no matter where you go.”

“Got that from three monologues at meetings?”

You nodded. “That and the fact that you look like you maybe wash your hair once every two weeks and get more than four hours of sleep a night at about the same rate.”

He shook his head at you but didn’t argue. “Fuckin’ sniper.”

“Fuckin’ sniper.”

“What about your sister?”

“What about her?”

He shrugged. “What was she like? You know, since I’m a few years behind on the stories.”

You smiled. “Coming in mid-series, Carmy?” You chuckled, shrugging. “She was, you know,” you paused, “she was the worst sometimes, to be quite honest.”

He choked on his coffee for a moment, not expecting that response. He looked surprised and amused and unsure of how to reply to that all at once.

It got you to laugh. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. But, I mean, it’s true. I love her. I love her so much. I would’ve taken a bullet for her. But we weren’t, you know, we weren’t those siblings that were best friends. We didn’t have a sibling group chat where we would text all the time. The three of us didn’t do weekly dinners. We didn’t party together or whatever the fuck siblings do.”

“Siblings do that?” he asked with a quiet laugh.

You shrugged, smiling. “Apparently.” You paused. “But yea. I mean, she was smart, you know? The kind of smart where she didn’t even have to fucking try. Which was infuriating for me personally, if you were curious,” you chuckled, “She could’ve done anything that she wanted. She could just…focus on something until she was great at it. And it never even took that long. Baking, drawing, photography, writing, you name it. Everything she did, she was good at. Fuckin’ annoying.”

There was a small smile on his face. “I bet.”

“She used to decorate cakes, actually.”

He perked up slightly at that. “Yea?”

You nodded. “Yea. Didn’t leave me a bakery or anything, thank god,” you laughed, “but that was her thing. She was good at that too, in case you were wondering.”

He chuckled. “Of course.”

It was quiet between you for a moment before you said. “We didn’t really start getting along until a few months before she died.” You noticed the way that Carmy stilled on the other side of the counter, hands motionless as he listened to whatever you had to say next. “Like I said, it’s not like we were best friends growing up. I always loved her, but we definitely didn’t always like each other, you know? Things were finally getting better and then, you know, she killed herself. Which, you know, rude,” you chuckled.

Carmy’s eyes widened as he shook his head, but he couldn’t help but to let out a laugh too.

“Like I said,” you took the last bite of cake on your plate, “inconsiderate.”

“Would you rather you didn’t?” he asked.

Your brows furrowed in confusion. “Didn’t what?”

He hesitated, like he regretted saying it but it was too late to take it back now. He raked his hands back through his hair. “You think it would’ve been better if you didn’t start getting along again?”

“Not to sound like an asshole,” you prefaced your statement, “but given what you’ve said about you and your brother, I don’t think there’s really a good position to be in with it. I think the only thing that would make it better is if they didn’t kill themselves.”

“That feels…obvious.”

“It is,” you gave a weak smile.

“I didn’t go to his funeral.”

You nodded. “I get it.”

“Did you?”

“We had a wake. We cremated her so there wasn’t a burial or anything. I went to the wake, though. I thought I was gonna cry, or be a whole mess or whatever, but I wasn’t. I cried once. Everyone else was crying a lot though. My mom said I didn’t have to go if I didn’t want to.”

“You wanted to?”

You shrugged. “I didn’t not want to go. But I mean, come on, you know what it’s like. No one wants to do anything when it comes to their brother or sister dying. It’s not…it’s not a good gauge.” You paused. “You regret not going?”

He shook his head. “It’s not gonna make him any less dead. He…he doesn’t care that I wasn’t there.”

“Yea. It all feels kind of useless, huh?”

“Most of it, yea.”

You toyed with you nearly-empty coffee cup, spinning it between your palms. “I like this.”

“What?”

“Being here. I don’t know, it’s better than sitting in some diner or something somewhere where other people can hear you.” You paused. “Most people don’t like when I make Dead Sister Jokes.”

“That’s because they don’t have a dead sister.”

You pointed at him from across the counter. “Exactly.”

“Does it get less shitty?” he asked. “Do the meetings actually fucking help?”

You shrug. “They help, yea. But it’s more than the meetings. You gotta, you know, you gotta do the fucking work. Grief sucks. Having other people who get it is nice. You can say flippant things like we do that other people would gasp at because how could you say that about them they’re dead. But you gotta feel it. Meetings are only a few hours of your week. You live with yourself all the fucking time.” You took a sip of your coffee. “The feelings don’t get smaller. You just, you know, you grow bigger around them. The grief is still there. The pain sucks just as much now as it did three years ago. But I have more breathing space around it now than I did back then.”

“Was really hoping you were gonna say some shit like, ‘yea five more meetings and you’ll be good to go’,” Carmy said with a quiet laugh.

You shook your head with a smile. “You got a lot of legwork to go before that. Can’t fast-track it. You…you know about that, though.” You saw his brows knit together and your smile grew a little wider. “What? I listen. All the work you did before you got here?” you tapped the surface of the counter. “Same shit.”

“It’s not the same shit.”

“It is. It sucks. You’re gonna lose sleep and throw up and lose track of hours. It’s going to feel like it’s your whole fucking world sometimes. And it is. But it isn’t. The work is constant and it’s thankless and infuriating. But you can’t stop doing it.” You paused. “You seem like a glutton for punishment. You’ll be fine.”

“Real fuckin’ reassuring,” he said with a chuckle.

“It doesn’t have to be terminal,” you motioned back and forth between the two of you, “We’re proof of that.”

“Or it’s gonna take more than three years to kill us.”

You laughed, nodding. “Or that, yea. Guess we’ll have to wait and see.” You paused, using your fork to point at his plate. “You done with that?”

He smiled slightly, sliding it across the counter to you without a word. You didn’t say anything as you tucked into what was left of his piece. The stillness of the restaurant around you felt calming in a way. You knew it probably wasn’t really ever like this once there were other people there. You wondered if Carmy ever stayed here off-hours to enjoy the peace and quiet of it. You wondered if he was even capable of enjoying it.

“You had mentioned that you were a chef,” you said as you corralled the crumbs left on his plate, “but I never thought about where.”

“This is it,” he said with a nod.

“So if I come back during the day, you’ll be running around back there yelling and screaming like a chicken with your head cut off?”

He laughed. “Yea. Me and everyone else.”

“Who’s everyone else?”

“Come back and you’ll see,” he said as he swiped up the forks and empty plates. He was disappearing back into the kitchen again before you could even try to pry or crack a joke about it.

Neither of you said it, but you both knew that it was time to go. You could’ve stayed and talked the rest of the night away, but the reality of it was that you both had lives to get to when the sun came up. Very different lives, but still.

“Does it get less weird,” Carmy asked as he put his jacket back on, walking towards the door as he spoke, “getting to know people in the opposite fucking order than you’re used to?”

You laughed, knowing exactly what he meant. “Yea. But the tradeoff is that the more time that goes on, the weirder it gets getting to know people who don’t know this stuff about you.”

“Hell of a way to break the ice,” he said as he locked the doors again.

You shook your head with a smile. “Yea, it breaks it for sure.” You took a deep breath as the two of you stood, each of you debating on how to say goodbye. That was another thing that never got less weird no matter how much someone knew about you. Your hands were tucked safely in the pockets of your coat as you said, “I’ll see you around?”

He nodded. “Yea, for sure.” He paused. “Think you’re gonna go tomorrow?”

You shrugged. “Don’t know. I’ll see how I feel in the morning. Either way,” you nodded towards the door, “I might come back for one of those donuts you mentioned.”

He chuckled, tucking his chin for a moment against the cold night air. “Alright.”

“Later, Carmy.”

“Later,” he offered up another small smile before you turned and started down the sidewalk.

[vintagemulti]

Stage Three: Bargaining

parings: peter parker x reader, thor x platonic!reader

part one , part two , part three

desc: peter’s sudden death leaves you with more than just a hole in your heart; his incomplete bucket list

warnings: death, mentions of death, grieving, heights? idk, mentions of suicide, suicidal thoughts and ideation, crying

a/n: yeah this one kinda broke me im not gonna lie. if you or someone you know feels suicidal please reach out to someone you trust and please get some help. you are so so loved <3 also, sorry this is kind of short. i like the style?? it’s building up for the big finale i swear

masterlist

watch the sunset from the brooklyn bridge

You read it again, and again, and again, trying to trick your mind into just accepting what the rules were and following them.

No, you said to yourself. This was one to do alone.

Because that’s all you were.

Alone.

Alone without your parents, alone without Peter, completely and utterly alone.

How could things ever get better? The one person who you truly valued was ripped away, before you even got the chance to spend forever with him.

The thought caused another tear to fall as you walked from your apartment to the bridge. You didn’t care how long it took, or how much your feet hurt and bled. This, for you, was a one way trip.

You had never meant to get suicidal. Actually, you weren’t even sure that was the right word for it. Suicidal meant you wanted to kill yourself and die, right?

You didn’t want to do that. You just didn’t want to live, and suicidal was the closest thing to describe the feeling.

The sun was slowly falling, and as you got closer and closer to the bridge, your feeling of hopelessness, that nothing you ever do will ever be good, got stronger and stronger.

Because how could anything ever be good again? Peter was gone. Gone forever.

You had felt his skin, how cold he was. How cold - compared to the usual heat of his flushed cheeks and bright brown eyes - everything about that room had been.

Your regret for going into that room was so strong. It felt like every day, you woke up and you were still in that cold room, watching Peter die over, and over, and over.

Nothing would ever be good again.

Not since the colour had drained from his eyes, not since the colour had drained for the entire world.

You found it funny - that everyone walking past you had lives, had happiness. How? How could the world still be spinning and life still happening all around when Peter - sweet, kind, handsome Peter, had been ripped away.

So no, you were not suicidal.

It just had to stop.

——————————————————————————

Visiting the Brooklyn Bridge was something on your bucket list, too. It was a date idea, actually. That Peter could take you two up there and you could have a night spent people watching and just loving life.

Loving life. You longed to love life again. But you couldn’t. Nothing would make life worth living.

Balancing yourself wasn’t difficult, not in your state of mind. Although you had never even been on the bridge before, you knew exactly where to put your feet and exactly how to stop people from noticing what you were doing.

It’s incredible, you thought, how absorbed everyone is in their own life that they don’t even notice what I’m about to do. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with humanity. Maybe we all need to look up, and stop that girl from jumping.

For a moment, you stopped, completely still, waiting for someone to stop you.

But no one came.

No one called out to stop you, no one even smiled at you on your walk that day. No one would come.

So you carried on, letting your body take you right to the edge. Perhaps you were so well balanced because you didn’t care if you fell or not.

The sound of cars below got louder and louder, until you could almost here the radio station from every passing car. Crazy what you can do when you think you’re about to die.

Death. You sighed, not just with your breath but with your entire body - a human sigh, allowing yourself to completely let go and make the drop.

Death.

Death never came.

Looking down, you saw the East River swirling underneath you and suddenly - for the first time in days - your eyes focused and your thoughts slowed.

You couldn’t.

You couldn’t do it.

Jumping seemed so unbelievably terrifying in that moment, such an opposite from what you wanted, that you could scream. You could scream and cry that you wanted to live.

Because you did.

You couldn’t die without finishing the bucket list - hell, finishing your own bucket list.

The fear of death overcame you so quickly that you didn’t even realise what was happening. Your hands shook, eyes pooled and throat went dry.

Nothing about where you were was ok. Nothing about this was what-

“Peter wouldn’t want this,” a voice came from behind you, speaking your thoughts.

Normally, you would turn to see who it was, but considering your balance was faltering, you stiffened. You recognised the voice anyway.

“Y/N, please.” MJ yelled, over the traffic and over the fear in her own voice.

“I know.” You called back, eyes filling up with tears.

“Please don’t do this.”

You shook you head. “I- I can’t. I can’t jump.”

You think she let out a sigh of relief, but you couldn’t quite hear her. “Can you get back across?”

“I think so.”

As it turns out, getting there was a lot easier than getting back. It actually blurred together, everything from walking to the bridge up until sitting on MJ’s couch with a hot coffee in your hands.

Death.

That’s what death does, you supposed.

Maybe one day you’ll go back to the Brooklyn Bridge, and watch the sunset. Maybe you’ll remember it that time.

And maybe, just maybe, next time you go to the Brooklyn Bridge and try to jump, you’ll hear Peter - screaming out from the unknown, pleading for you not to jump.

He must have pleaded hard, because MJ - who only saw you because she was visiting a friend in Brooklyn - seemed to hear him screaming. Screaming in the form of a gut feeling and ringing in her ears. She seemed to see him, pulling you back from the edge and telling you not to jump by making it a little colder and the wind blowing a little harder.

That was your mistake, really. Thinking that no one came.

Peter came. He came and he held you upright, keeping your balance so you wouldn’t leave before your time. He came and he called for help, knowing someone would look over and see what was happening. He came for you.

He was there. He would always be there.

[thegrandromantic]

it took a long while to get to it but i’m finally ready to analyze the second half of kamoshida’s palace/ann’s character introduction.

i really love how before you even know she’s going to be a party member you get little snapshots of her day to day life. joker seeing her get picked up by kamoshida and the depressed look on her face as she gets in the car is an especially subtle piece of dialogue-less storytelling that i think works amazingly well, even if the scene is easy to gloss over when you discover the palace like 2 minutes later.

all of her conversations with shiho are EXTREMELY VERY GOOD and i LOVE the way shiho reacts to her abuse. it’s so realistic that she seemingly doesn’t want to “cause trouble” or anything by making a stink over it, she’s too scared of what the consequences would be. the whole first palace in general is an exceptional examination of the kinds of reasons people stay in abusive situations. when someone has that level of power over you it can feel impossible to overcome without facing even worse consequences from society at large.

i really begin to feel shiho’s despair and despite the fact that we probably only get to see her around 2-3 times before her suicide attempt it still manages to provide such an incredibly strong motivator to change kamoshida’s heart. like before that event, the player still feels uneasy about what theyre about to do. there are seemingly tons of unknown risks, even morgana isn’t sure if you might accidentally end up killing him. but once you see what he’s done to shiho you realize that this man is a monster and no one can stop him but you.

the way joker handles meeting ann officially is also one of my favorite moments in the game. up until he overhears her phone call at shibuya, joker knows next to nothing about ann except what he’s heard from rumors (most of which are unfounded) so he theoretically doesn’t even have that much reason for concern yet. but hearing her sounding so distressed was all it took to ignite his compassionate spirit to reach out and offer support. at first i was a little put off by how the game has you genuinely chase ann through the subway to sort of “make” her talk to you but again i think it shows the kind of fear and distrust that abuse can put in a person’s heart. it’s perfectly reasonable for ann to think joker is just some creep eavesdropping for more dirt on her since that’s mostly how her classmates and the rest of society have treated her. no one actually listens to anything she SAYS, just what other people say about her.

anyway i always pick the joker line “let’s go somewhere safe” because god that just immediately washes me with such a sense of safety and comfort in a highly emotional scene. the way ann suddenly opens up when she realizes joker is like… actually listening to her? is so meaningful and i feel like it even perfectly takes advantage of joker’s status as a near-silent protagonist. so many people in the world just need to be heard, they have so much to show of themselves and so much to offer the world but no one takes the time to sit down and just LISTEN to them without throwing baseless assumptions and accusations on top of what they’re saying. the fact that joker even makes her feel safe despite all the horrid rumors flying around about him really emphasizes this point. your honor Hes Just A Very Good Boy you see. people can’t help but open up to him because he has the heart to listen and to show that he genuinely cares.

anyway stumbling back into the castle and having ann almost immediately awaken her persona is rad as hell of course. i don’t really have as much to say about her transformation scene as i honestly feel it could’ve been handled a bit better. idk what it necessarily is about the scene but something about it doesn’t hit quite as hard as ryuji’s for me. i do appreciate that the main thing that pisses her off enough to awaken her persona is shiho instead of her own suffering because thats something i can really relate to. when you care so much about someone, seeing them suffering or in pain can feel so much worse than anything you’re going through. but idk. i think it’s probably her costume design and the way the game does the tropey anime thing of her being uncomfortable in her skintight over sexualized costume while male characters (morgana 🙄) just like drool over her which like… can’t be making her feel any more comfortable lol. also it’s just strange to me that a persona, a reflection of her rebellious spirit and all, would give her an outfit that she wasn’t comfortable with? it feels counterintuitive to the game’s themes a bit and is just kind of a jarring tone for her awakening.

uhhh let’s see the only other big important scene coming to mind rn is when they fight shido. i loved this boss’s conclusion, seeing ann genuinely struggle over whether or not to kill this man is so powerful. like genuinely i think she’d have been in the right to just kill him. ultimately the world probably would have moved on and might not have even found out she did it. but she simultaneously shows the compassion her character is built on while still getting the well-earned retribution she deserves for all the horrible things kamoshida has done. this way he has to LIVE with his mistakes which is in so many ways worse than a simple death could ever have been for him. it’s one of the more interesting (albeit dubious) themes the game has to offer. i like the concept of people paying for their bad actions NOW instead of in some possible afterlife or just by dying at all. it just kind of falls apart conceptually when you consider that the justice system in real life so rarely deals out actual justice and that kamoshida possibly could have gone on leading a normal life even. like the game is unafraid to tackle systemic injustice through characters like shido and events like the huge police raid at the beginning but like suddenly we trust the police to give out punishments to the people whose hearts we change? idk it doesn’t Quite add up but like i said i can still appreciate the narrative complexity it adds and it’s a nice concept.

overall though i adore ann and her intro to the game. it beautifully sets up how passionately she cares for her friends and the lengths she would go to avenge someone who she knows has been wronged. seeing joker comfort her in the cafe is genuinely one of my favorite conversations you have for the whole game. (although i’m kind of biased so i maybe like joker in the scene a tiny bit More than i like ann even but that’s just because joker’s my blorbo lol)

[bigwriterenergy]

YANDERE JOESTAR / READER

anonymous asked: “May I request a yandere Johnny headcanon If you have too many request and doing commission Please ignore this and take care of yourself ☺️”

omg thank you so much for this message ... it would be an honor to answer your request!! :)) i love to write for you all ... . i really do ..... thats why i love having my inbox open 24/7 so even if i dont like .... answer it .. . .. you can still get it out and onto the page you know? idk like if yall ever need to come into my inbox and just need to put something to words and for someone to read it, i’m always here. regardless of whether or not its jjba related. lmao sorry im kind of rambling but this comment just touched me ;v; thanks again for the request and i’d love to write for you. :)

i also want to direct y’all to @dear-yandere​! her yandere johnny is absolutely chilling! wonderful characterization :)

yandere johnny is absolutely pathetic. he’s incredibly skilled in manipulation and ensuring that his darling is absolutely entangled in his trap.

i absolutely adore the precedent set by vani tbh. her yandere johnny is an asshole and an absolute awful human being and my characterization is similar. 

my yandere johnny uses the pity he could rouse from his darling and runs with it. he belittles her. he criticizes her. the omission of kind words is just a part of his charm, she’ll convince herself.

more often than not, he’s giving her a dull expression and a completely emotionless disposition. if anything, she’s his human punching bag. whenever he’s mad at the world, he uses her to express it.

“you really expected me to do that? just who do you think i am, woman?”

though, if she ever were to leave, he’d be quick to use every manipulation tactic in the book. threats of suicide and hopelessness, thrown casually into the air, as though he were talking about weather or something in passing. somehow, she always remained right back in his fingertips.

“if you leave, what are you gonna do? who would love you? who would love me?”

this also extends to her friends and family. he makes an effort to disconnect himself from all conversations involving around them. he knows that if they start planting seeds of “oh, johnny’s a manipulative bastard, you should leave him” it’ll erode the darling he’s already curated for his desires.

he wants you all to himself and finds enjoyment in belittling.

he projects a lot onto her. all his failures, all his insecurities, they sadly all go to her.

yandere johnny is is very sexual. when he first became paraplegic, i don’t think he was very inclined to search for partners. i do think once he has someone to exploit and prey on, he’ll rediscover his libido. 

giving little regard to whether darling is in the mood or not, johnny will often begin sweet talking to accompany his more sensual touches. she will just be so surprised to be treated so nicely that he can say anything remotely romantic and she’ll be more inclined to put up with him.

while johnny is not my worst yandere, i do think he’s higher on the list for being one of the more emotional damaging.

“johnny ..” his lips felt like slime against your clean skin. each lingering touch only seemed to heighten annoyance and frustration. this was the third day this week he had attempted to descend upon you; the familiar, heavy sound of steps from behind carried much weight. they rang in your ears and were comparable to the shrill sound of shattering glass. 

you felt his anterior press into you from behind. his heat proved to have an opposite effect; the chill that ran through your spine revealed just how disgusting you thought his touch was. the kitchen sink where you were stationed at held your eyes. the suds that collected near the rim of the drain seemed far more interesting than whatever excuse johnny had to justify his force. 

“what?” his voice was low when ghosted over the shell of your ear. his breath was warm and comparable to fog, muggy and humid in quality. the fingers he trailed along your waist eventually pulled down to the front of your hips. his pelvis pressed hungrily against the plush of your posterior. his palms pulled you back, ignoring the brief yet futile resistant you may have presented him with. “you sound upset with me.” he made an observation. his words settled into your conscious and pulled breath from your lips. how right he was.

your stiffness should have told him all he needed to know. your reluctance should have been enough. but instead, his mind chalked up your rigidity to a familiar coyness. how demure you were .. regardless of your reservation, you had a duty to him. his blue eyes took in the sight of your nape. an almost animalistic wetting of his lips proved all the carnal desire that raged in his mind. he’d get you one way or another. 

he always did.

“hmph, ya know ..” he murmurs, as though such behavior proved your negligence to him. “i know a whole lot of girls that’d love to be in your position.” the route he took was a familiar one. you could even imagine the taut-jaw grimace he’d wear as he spoke such horrible words. your pruned fingers grip onto the metal of your sink. you almost scowled. the brief silence increased the weight of his words. you felt his hands leave your figure. wasn’t it what you wanted? so why did it feel so wrong? “maybe i’d oughta pay them a visit.” why did such words wound you? the familiar, burning pain in your gut spurred your movement. he almost smirked. you were too easy to stir.

turning to face your husband, you’d note the lack of emotion to his features. his predictability meant that he shouldn’t have been as shocking, right? your lips pursed. the perfect way in which his blond hair fell had lost its, once, novel magic. you gazed into the dark, determined eyes of johnny joestar and saw all your failures. even without speak, you still felt his oppressive influence. his expression soured under the scrutiny.

you kissed him. your lips met in a confused hurry. the sooner you dealt with his irritating virility, the sooner he’d quiet down. 

he played you like a fiddle.

[faebriel]

ok ok I'm insane and couldn't pick one so have two (no need to answer both if you don't want to)

“You talk to him.” Not kindly, but he does.

“I’m used to him,” he shoots back. “I’m the only person who is.”

That makes Niki feel something, some uncomfortable tug in her chest. She mentally kicks herself. It’s not jealousy, she reminds herself, because despite the near-cliff jumping and the long nights without food and the nuclear fallout that has punctuated her last few months, being jealous of Tommy would be the least reasonable thing she’s allowed herself to be, maybe ever.

“You don’t believe me,” Tommy says flatly. “You never - eugh.” He cuts himself off with another ragged sigh, running a hand down his face. “Look, Niki, it’s - we were all together in Pogtopia, right? But I was there first. With him. And you didn’t see the start of it, it was horrible, and I’m glad no one else saw the beginning of it either but it was still just so shit and he kept saying all these terrible things about Tubbo and Fundy and you and,” he takes a shaky breath, “then, when I died, I saw him.”

Her breath catches in her throat.

Well, the voice in the back of her head whistles. If you were still wondering about all this afterlife bullshit, if you want to know where you’re going after your third life, here you go.

and

“You didn’t even - this isn’t about L’Manberg, Wilbur!” Niki shouts.

And then he stops, breathing hard, and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say.

“What else is there?” he asks.

Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut, her chest, her shoulders, chilled down to the bone. With slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes, sitting in her throat, threatening to spill over into a sob. She swallows - to keep her cool, to stay calm, to keep it together -

And then, something in her chest just snaps.

“You said you’d come back for me!” she cries, and her voice hitches on the lump of tears at the back of her throat and god, she sounds absolutely pathetic. Wilbur’s face softens immediately, which somehow just makes her feel even worse. “In Manberg. When Schlatt put me in prison, and you and Tommy were in Pogtopia, you said you’d break me out when it was safe. I waited for weeks , Wilbur. It was… it was horrible.”

“Niki…” a kaleidoscope of emotions flicker across his face, and he seems unsure which to settle on. “We got you out though, right? After the festival.”

“You looked for the button first,” she says quietly, and he stills.

Her sniffling sounds embarrassingly loud against the quiet background of night.

thank you sm!!! i’m gonna put these under the cut because they got a little long sorry (tw for discussion of suicidal ideation)

to preface: tommy is kind of the accidental but incredibly necessary invisible support beam for niki and wilbur’s making amends in bitter. niki cannot accept wilbur’s actions and apology without first acknowledging her own actions and making steps towards an apology, because otherwise it kind of falls flat? in that ending scene niki finally gets what wilbur is feeling and wilbur finally gets that someone else knows how he feels (it’s not perfect 100% yet, but…. that’ll get explored later)

onto the actual snippet! “tommy talks to wilbur - not kindly, but he does” was very important to me! tommy has stuck by wilbur ever since pogtopia, but the tragedy is that he is not equipped to deal with wilbur’s issues, and it shows. wilbur’s first stream after revival depicts this really clearly, where tommy tails wilbur around the whole time but insults him, is still stuck on calling him the villain, physically fights him at some point, etc. on one hand this isn’t healthy but on the other hand tommy is actually around, which is more than can be said for basically any other ally wilbur has had on the dsmp, maybe excluding his dad, who literally killed him lmfao.

this whole issue is exacerbated by the fact that tommy believes that he is the only person who properly understands wilbur, the only person who gets what happened to him, and feels like wilbur is generally his burden to bear. he failed to stop wilbur from both 1. hurting other people and 2. killing himself after the pogtopia-manberg war - and he doesn’t trust wilbur not to do either of those things again, so he’s stuck hovering around wilbur while wilbur is inadvertently setting off his own trauma and feeling responsible for any way he might fuck up and hating that but not wanting to leave. tommy’s memory isn’t perfect and he isn’t a perfect narrator, what he remembers from pogtopia the most were the scariest parts and that’s understandable but it means he’s holding wilbur to the worst expectations of behaviour (and he does so very vocally). the others showed up later, sure, but in tommy’s eyes he’s the only one who saw wilbur’s descent, and by the time they showed up wilbur had already changed irreversably. tommy tries to rationalise this by splitting the ‘different wilburs’ apart from each other in his head (he does this in canon too - there’s one quote from like late 2020 where he says he and tubbo need to keep on going for who wilbur used to be, not who he became, even though they’re,, the same person), and no one challenges that perspective, so he just keeps doing it even though it’s not healthy for him or wilbur.

and then limbo happened and, oh geez, THAT didn’t help jhfaskjjfsa

tommy is on a bit of a knife edge with niki in this fic. niki’s in this state of “ok, he’s annoying whatever, i’m moving on”, but all tommy knows is that she tried to kill him that one time, disappeared off the face of the map, joined a book club with two people who definitely do not like him, and now is just acting weirdly mellow and polite. she is not someone he wants near wilbur bc what the fuck is she gonna do? what is he gonna do? who knows. he’s frustrated that niki doesn’t seem to acknowledge how he’s feeling (especially bc once upon a time she would have been someone he trusted to acknowledge them - they were friends, they fought together) and he’s taking a big step by telling someone about his concerns here, especially bc tommy doesn’t really like talking about them at all. he wouldn’t be saying absolutely anything to niki if he didn’t truly believe she should stay away from wilbur, even if he’s wrong about him. (sometimes i think i write tommy as a little too emotionally mature here but it all goes out the window when wilbur’s brought up. idk if that balances it out)

ok onto niki: this is the first she has actually heard of limbo! she’s only just come around to the fact that resurrection is possible at all. death is kind of a touchy subject for niki both in general and re: wilbur in the fic - she’s coming off of a period in her life where suicidal ideation was, uh, a big thing (whether you want to read that into canon or not is subjective, that’s just the angle i went with in this fic). the sudden existence of a life after death, miserable as it is - and whether she really believes in such a place, when it only exists in tommy and wilbur’s words - that is a lot of information for her to absorb all at once. death is a weird connection point for tommy and niki here, coming right off of the fact that they’ve just acknowledged each other having those problems - tommy, out of, yknow, altruism, would very much like to keep niki out of that place, and niki is quietly reckoning with the fact that that is where she would have sent him. the concept of limbo from the perspective of a character with no experience of it, even secondhand, is so interesting to me like what kind of eldritch location would you feel like you’re living in asghjkl

(also - i gotta be honest the jealousy angle here but mostly when she’s talking later about dream not deserving wilbur’s companionship kinda came out after this post came across my dash while writing. whoops /j)

-

fun fact, this is the very first snippet of bitter that i ever wrote! all the way back in may!! this is like the moment of the fic - it's where the miscommunication that niki and wilbur have been having is shattered entirely - and so sticking the landing was uhhh kinda important to me lol.

wilbur's entire being in this fic is basically consumed by L'Manberg - he equates his self worth to it entirely. in his eyes, everyone (rightfully) hates him because of what he did to L'Manberg, because L'Manberg was corrupted and he himself with it, etc. niki tries to tell herself this, and while it definitely does form part of her issues with him, it was the betrayal that causes her this much pain - that he seemingly brushed her and their friendship off entirely when he supposedly left her for dead in manberg. because here is what we as the audience know: wilbur couldn���t leave niki in trouble when he heard her life was in danger, even when he was trying to find the button (pretty much the only thing he sees himself as having left at this point) and so he returned. here is what it looks like from niki’s perspective: wilbur told her to wait in manberg until it was safe to come to pogtopia, laid the place with TNT, went to blow up the place, and only returned when he couldn’t find the detonator (and then the first thing she saw him do in pogtopia was encourage the pit behaviour but that’s not what we’re talking about asdfgh). that is massive miscommunication and it’s been brewing between them for months - to make a quirky little reference to the title, niki has been carrying that anger with her so long it's gone bitter. it was never just about l’manberg with niki - not that anger, not her and wilbur’s friendship (hence the little flashback earlier in the fic, bc niki’s relationship to anarchism and statehood or statelessness juxtaposed with her friendships with wilbur and eret - she loves l’manberg bc she loves wilbur, but she loves eret too and those national ties don’t undermine that - is Real Interesting to me) - so when wilbur asks what else there could possibly be (because in his mind, what else could she have bothered staying around for?), she just fucking breaks.

“Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut...with slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes” - prose discussion time! heat and cold are two big throughlines in this fic - particularly for niki, cold is what she is. admittedly when i started with it i mostly wanted to subvert hot = angry and cold = dead but i kinda ended up enjoying this take on it for what it is instead of just as a subversion (also i like the idea of revived people running hot, their bodies r working hard to keep em going). she’s holding onto her feelings and refusing to deal with them, she’s frozen over. descriptions of cold are key to niki’s mental state throughout the fic - cold weight on her chest, feelings of frostbite when she and wilbur hug the first time, ice cold water during the dinner scene, waking up in the cold flat, etc. this was an attempt at describing a more visceral feeling of like, when you’re really mad and you can just feel the adrenaline running through your veins. always felt more cold than hot to me. when she starts to cry, the facade she’s been putting on is finally thawing out and cracking the ice she’s buried her feelings under. (also gives an excuse to write warm comforting hugs towards the end /hj). it’s a loss, it’s catharsis, it’s a whole mess.

and ofc this is all news to wilbur and he feels terrible, because as unintentional as it was, he really really hurt her - because the destruction of l’manberg fucking sucked but above all else wilbur hurt the people he loved because they loved him so much and not in spite of it, because they cared about him so deeply and his death was a massive blow to them. this hasn’t even dawned on him, because how could it? he respects deeply niki (lowkey respects her opinion more than his own at this point) so he has to listen, because it’s niki (“and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say” - because he does), and what she says fucking floors him. in his eyes, he failed her by putting her in danger and then by destroying her home - the idea that she valued him and their friendship so much flies entirely over his head until this moment, and he is forced to re-evaluate the mindset that has motivated him since… basically since pogtopia! the way i write wilbur is like… yes, he’s one of niki’s closest friends and he’s more aware of her insecurities and issues than most (which is why he does always take the time to listen to her, etc) but he does over-idealise her a bit. tbf, i think he does to some extent with everyone (calling tubbo strong on the anniversary stream, for example). also the fact that he really wasn’t around for niki’s lowest moments as a character! he still thinks of her the way she was in l’manberg - confident, steadfast, respected - and this moment shatters that for him as he realises exactly what effect he and his death had on her and everyone else, not just by his actions, but because they loved him and cared for him so deeply.

sorry that this got horrifically long!! and thank you so much for sending snippets in <3333

[oasisofpassion]

bro you gotta tell me more about that fic you mentioned in the tags of that reblog that sounds like smth id like bro idc about what fandom it is i just wanna read it

oh bad news I worked on for two years and then never wrote it lol.

BUT I DID WORK ON IT FOR TWO YEARS SO I CAN SURE INFODUMP! WARNING: VERY LONG RANT INCOMING!! Like... incredibly long. I can't stress to you enough you can take your time reading and responding to this because it is that long. The word count is in the thousands.

fic contains: mentions of abuse, rape, trafficking, body horror, gore, suicide, basically just... a shitton of angst. like so much angst, dude. not all of these are in the first part but they will be in subsequent parts.

Ok, idk what you know about DBH so I'm just gonna give this a quick preface by just explaining all the important parts to the fanfic.

Basically DBH is some anti-racist game that failed at being anti-racist, somehow. Probably because David Cage wrote it. Also something about it takes place in 2038 there's technological advancement and androids and the androids do this deviation thing where they suddenly get the ability to Make Choices and Feel Emotions.

1. Zlatko

Zlatko Andronikov is some villain guy in the original game that you have to pass through in Kara's storyline to know about where they need to escape to—Canada. He also takes androids and does one of two things; resets them (erases their memory, basically undeviates them) or he makes them absolutely fucking horrific.

Like truly horrific! They're actually quite tame compared to their concept art, and many of them—not including this one—have been badly burned. Apparently androids don't feel pain canonically but everyone ignores that because it's fucking stupid.

2. Connor

Connor's your obligatory Autistic-Coded Nonhuman Character because he spends most of the game as a robot who doesn't understand The Human JokesTM, sarcasm, and the like. He also deviates very late in the game. Obviously this is game has like 40+ endings but for the purposes of this you only need to know that he deviates. Also his story was objectively the most competently written because David Cage literally didn't have too much influence in it. The actors for the main duo, Bryan Dechart (a twitch streamer who played Connor and is seriously the most wholesome man ever. He made some videos with Jacksepticeye.) and Clancy Brown (Yes, Mr. Krabs Clancy Brown who played the Old Grizzled Alcoholic Detective character Lieutenant Hank Anderson/Connor's father figure or husband or best friend depending on who you ask) wrote a lot of the story by seeing the script and saying "Fuck this lol."

Here is a picture of Bryan Dechart and his wife Amelia. It shocked me to find out at the time of writing this that Bryan Dechart is older than Philza Minecraft. What the fuck. Also during my looking through videos for this, I realized I had forgotten how fucking attractive this man's voice is. I want to steal crumbs of his gender from under the table like a starving Victorian child working for the rich family above me.

Actually all of this was just unnecessary gushing. Connor's a cop. He gets thrust into a shitty position by the Evil Corporate Overlord (DBH is also anti-capitalist! And it actually did an OK job at that one so) CyberLife, the company that created androids. He gets the fantastic job of Most Advanced Prototype CyberLife Has Ever Created who Hunts Down The Defective Deviants With The Detroit Police Department. In canon, this causes a shitton of political discourse, because the unemployment rate in the US is already in fucking shambles due to CyberLife's androids being dirt cheap (seriously they're under 10k USD) and preprogrammed to do certain tasks that make it easier for business owners to buy androids rather than hire a human workforce. He deviates because of all the deviants he hunts being like, actual fleshed out people who feel real fear, his buddy cop Hank learning to no longer be racist, and him starting to tangle with his own emotions as well.

Another thing about Connor: He likes dogs! He can also pet Hank's dog when he goes to visit his house. That's not important but it's nice to know.

Also he canonically uses puppy dog eyes. Like. People would joke Ha Ha Yes He Probably Uses Puppy Eyes On Hank and. And it was canon. They didn't have to headcanon it, it literally happened. And the kicker? It fucking worked. It is exceptionally difficult to find the clip, though. Like. Really hard. I've been looking for like ten minutes and I can't find shit. It happens in the chapter The Nest when Connor just stands around doing jack shit and Hank tells him they gotta skedaddle before he "dies of an asthma attack," but Connor makes him stay because idk fatherly instinct or something.

3. The Jericrew

Markus, North, Simon, and Josh. North is the only one with any personality. She is my second favorite character in the whole game. Markus and Simon had homoerotic tension and they were originally supposed to have a romance path but David Cage is homophobic so he made Markus and North date. I kept this in the AU because I think North deserves nice things, and Markus is a nice thing. Josh is a pacifist. North wants to kill people (this is because she was a victim of sex trafficking who killed her rapist and escaped. She believes that violence is the only way humans will understand their message. Markus, at least for these purposes, decides if he's gonna die he's gonna die a martyr and continue to be robot MLK.). Simon is a Markus simp. He literally has no opinions on Markus. Practically everything you do will up your relationship with him. He is fucking in love, I swear. In one of the endings he is literally North's replacement if she dies and Markus gets shot and has to have someone come save him. I'm sorry but "Our hearts are compatible, you have to take mine" THAT IS FUCKING FRUITY AS HELL.

4. RK900

Okay. This guy is 100% fanon. Like. His character showed up for 30 seconds in one ending you have to try to get. He stood there looking pretty and didn't say a word. Usually in fanon he's portrayed as Hot Tall Sexy Burly Stoic Big Dick Sex God because the fandom is really horny and he is somehow the second person in the most popular ship (reed900, they literally have a movie, uh, i think the ship's a bit problematic though, for a few reasons). In this fic though I decided to make him kind of a nervous wreck lmfao. The most popular names for him are Nines and Conan (I like Nines though so I went with that). Also we didn't even know that Nines is taller or more muscular than Connor but we assumed so based on pure vibes.

OK. SO IF YOU ALREADY KNEW ALL THAT OR IF YOU READ IT ALL: HERE'S THE AU!

Now, I've forgotten a ton of this AU. I think it's been exactly six months since I've thought about this story. I have forgotten a scary amount of it, but trust me, in its prime? It was amazing.

Basically, it was... four years after the events of the game? 2042. Lots of found family shit. Connor and Hank are PURELY vibing, especially with Connor's jobs with the Detroit Police Department + working with the Jericrew. Uhh. Yeah basically Connor, Hank, and Nines are all roommates who all support each other. Mutuality or whatever. Hank's a recovering alcoholic, Connor is... a lot, actually, he is so much, he has so many issues, especially after he gets home, but that's later, and Nines has just some major fucking anxiety issues. Sumo is a dog. He is happy all the time because he is a dog except when his family goes to work then he's sad.

Connor reads textbooks for fun. He's a big Knowledge Enjoyer and has a crippling astronomy hyperfixation. Did I mention I projected my ADHD onto him? I projected my ADHD onto him. He has ADHD. Don't ask why he can have mental disorders because he's a robot and that wouldn't make sense, yes they can, and because I said so.

Then, one day, something happens I literally don't remember I think he gets hit with some sort of Robo Blow Dart in his back neck port. That gets explained later though. He was on a bus. So he gets kidnapped! Cool.

He's taken to Zlatko's mansion, which looks a little something like this:

and gets put in a terrible cell full of android guts which looks a little something like this:

(I was like 100% I had more screenshots than this but apparently not. It's so hard to get a screenshot of these cells though because they are just that dark).

So yeah! He's not very happy about this.

Oh, and fun fact: androids have the ability to communicate across long distances. Like, they're walkie talkies.

Not Connor! Zlatko broke that shit so he can't call for help.

There are three other androids with him who are also get a very similar treatment Connor is about to endure:

Harry

Faith

and Iris

So ya! They're all pretty fucked up. Harry was a military bot, Faith was a maid, and Iris was a sex robot. Harry and Faith are the only straight couple ever except for maybe Phil and Kristin. They have a child, who Connor has actually met before, so it's like... pretty imperative they get out.

But remember that Robo Blow Dart?

That's permanently in him now. It's in all of them. And it's controlled by the big bad villain... Zlatko.

So any chance of escape could just be stopped by him hitting a button and knocking them all out, and they wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

Also, Connor's like. Kinda fucked up as well.

Some time later, idk, we meet BEST BOY EVER.

ENTER G R E G O R Y

THINK WE CAN TELL ON HOW MUCH EFFORT I PUT INTO HIS HEADSHOT BASED ON THE OTHERS WHO MY FAVORITE IS, BECAUSE HE MEANS ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING TO ME.

Alrighty, here's what you need to know about Gregory for now: He's 5'6 (this will become funny later), very quiet, a little bit curt, but all the same a very sweet man who is just trying his best so that everyone under his care doesn't go fucking crazy. His hair goes down to his ass and he has a bunch of tattoos. He's also my favorite. Have I told you he's my favorite yet? He's my favorite.

He is just as under Zlatko's thumb as the other androids. He has been in Zlatko's possession for about... eight years, if I remember correctly. He was born in 2036 and wasn't alive for long before Zlatko snagged him and reprogrammed him to do the snagging for him (He's actually a canon character and is the trash bot who tells Kara and Alice where Zlatko lives). After Kara and Alice left taking FUCKING ROBODAD (his name is Luther he's not important to this story but he means absolutely everything to me) MY BELOVED with them, Zlatko took Gregory to go be like, his helper, and fill in Luther's place. So Gregory gets to help with Zlatko's surgeries and food and such. He doesn't leave the house.

Ever.

Except for one time. I'll get to that later.

Gregory and Connor have this sort of, like, rivalry. Gregory's pretty used to running the house and how it functions, and it irks him a bit that Connor just waltzes in his fuckin house and starts bossing people around as if he owns the place. Part of this is because Gregory resigned to his fate a while ago. Like, he's pretty sure he's gonna be stuck in this endless loop forever, but there is absolutely no way he's killing himself, lest someone take his place and abuse the androids under Zlatko even more. He is their last defense, and he is not trusting anyone else with the job.

Another thing? Gregory's got a bit of a silver tongue. He knows exactly what he needs to say, how he needs to say it, and when. It comes from years of experience of working with a volatile piece of shit who does drugs and gets off to torturing innocents he knows feel emotions. How I know he knows it? It's his whole fucking business model. Also he's a bit of an artist. Just a tad. He likes to do the draw. it's his coping mechanism.

That's really all you need to know for the exposition/inciting incident.

Let's get into the real plot now.

Um... I don't remember it.

I. I don't remember the real plot.

Because there were so many different fucking arcs I had to juggle. So some shit is gonna be kinda fuzzy, especially with the trio (Harry, Iris, Faith) because I'm gonna be honest... I did not focus on them that much lol was too busy with the main duo Connor and Gregory.

Alright, here's the second most important character in the entire fic:

Emerald. Except I'm getting way too lazy to draw now so.

Emerald is like Gregory 2 except they're allowed to leave the mansion. Emerald is the key to everyone's fucking escape. Emerald and Iris are dating.

Emerald is the mansion security guard. They watch all the security cameras. This is important, because as far as Zlatko knows, all the money he's paying them is going to keep them bitches STORED.

Not gonna happen, though. Not on Emerald's watch.

Connor starts spitballing ideas to escape.

Nobody likes this.

Especially Gregory, who, by the way, is absolutely scared shitless of Zlatko. There's a reason for this! There are so many reasons for this. Holy shit, I cannot even tell you how many reasons there are for this.

Some shenanigans happens. Eventually, they do some wacky shit and manage to do Something?????? All I know is that the trio is out of commission, not dead I don't think they were, Connor is unconscious for a bit and Gregory's just. Fucking having a panic attack I don't know.

Little bit later Connor wakes up and we're introduced to BEST GIRL. BEST GIRL EVER.

ANDROID BEAR!!!!! Her name is Aurora and I love her and she's the best thing ever.

THIS IS GETTING REALLY LONG AND IM GONNA SPLIT THIS UP INTO PARTS SO THERE'S THE END OF PART ONE!!!!

[wkemeup]

Tw // suicide mention

Hey, I'm pretty new to mcu writing and idk you seem like a wise person (no pressure lol). There's this person that follows me and reblogs my stuff so me being me had the urge to stalk their blog. And idk their blog is very personal and they post a lot of things about their life and it's bad. Like I want to reach out to them and help them but again idk if I should cause they're more than 10 years older than me. And I don't want to intrude in someone's personal life. All I do atm is try to make my replies v funny, hoping that it might brighten up their day. It's not my place to just go to them and be like "Hey why are you posting about depression and talking about killing yourself. Do you want me to help?" because again they are a parent going through some issues whereas I'm just a kid in college. I'm aware it's not my place to interfere but I just keep on checking their blog every day to see if they're okay because I'm so scared. Ahh idk.

I'm sorry for the rant, I should not burden you with my stuff and it's totally cool if you don't wanna answer this. I love your work sm.I hope you're doing alright and take care!!

I love the whole theme around you guys thinking I'm 'wise' because I definitely feel like chaos most of the time lol.

Let me first day that I don't think it matters how old you are when you're looking for comfort or seeking it out. I'm 27 and while someone who is 17 won't know or understand a lot of the specific struggles I have gone through simply because of life experience, it doesn't mean that there still isn't value in being heard, listened to, and supported.

Sometimes people post personal things on here for the sake of just saying it aloud, but if I'm speaking from my own experience, when I do it - I'm looking for validation and support. It's not always conscious. Like sometimes I'm just like - I need to write this out and just put words to how I'm feeling and post it because then it makes it real. But it's the replies I'll often get that make such a difference and make me feel less alone and supported.

It sounds like you clearly care about this person, so I would message them directly (not in an ask) so they have the opportunity to reply privately. You could say something like, 'hey I've noticed your posts and I just wanted to check in to see how you're doing. You don't have to reply to this if you don't feel comfortable, but I wanted to make sure you knew you're not alone and I'm here if you ever want to talk.' Mention that you care about them and you have always appreciated their reblogs - so they know they have a positive impact on you.

They may or may not respond, but I think just the knowledge that someone sees the way they are feeling and makes the effort to reach out and say I hear you and I want you to be okay is really powerful.

Honestly, even reaching out by starting a whole different conversation could even be helpful. Maybe talking about how much you appreciated their reblogs and just build some kind of rapport that way before you bridge to checking in on their posts later? Whatever you feel more comfortable with. But I think regardless - don't let your age hold you back. I think it's incredible kind that you want to help so badly. Support is meaningful no matter who it comes from, even if you don't identify with their particular struggles. You can still be there for them.

[headofhelios]

Ok I am a single follower but I like hannibal tv but would enjoy ur movie thoughts I like some of the books too and have been meaning to get around to the movies 😳😳

OKAY I'M EDITING A READMORE ONTO THIS LOL I REALIZED THATS SOMETHING I CAN DO! so now my incredibly waaayyy too long answer abt my thoughts on 2002 will is under there. apologies bc this is less "movie thoughts" and more "2002 movie will thoughts" but well thats how the chips fell

GOD okay sooo for the record i am reading the red dragon book and am like 7 or 8 chapters in and full transparency im not like. enjoying it lol. the book pisses me off with its misogyny (all the women in it are either dead or it feels like you're supposed to think theyre Selfish Bitches or theyre just there for like. bizarre and uncomfortable sexual moments like the guys talking abt that woman in the elevator, or that one part of mrs. leeds diary which is like. i guess could be there to Show Her Humanity or whatever but 1. there are more ways to do that 2. the book doesnt seem particularly concerned with her humanity considering she's barely even given a first name and so far the novel hasnt seemed to disapprove of how will thinks of her as a possession of her husband) and its inconsistency with will's most important character trait or whatever (he's so intensely, extremely empathetic towards EVERYONE, even serial killers, which makes him really good at finding them! and he can never turn this off, to the point where every time he has a conversation with someone, he ends up mimicking the way they talk, even if he tries to stop! but also he never empathizes with the victims or HIS OWN FUCKING WIFE? HELLO? so it really feels less like "extremely strong empathy for everyone that he cant control" and more like "he can empathize with serial killers extremely well and also other people if we want to Make A Point in one scene instead of letting the point show through the whole book") BUT UHHH ANYWAY. MOVIE THOUGHTS. THE MOVIE THOUGHTS YOU ASKED FOR COMING RIGHT UP!

okay this is what i am worried will either 1. draw annoying tv will graham stans to my blog like flies or 2. end with me being hanged in the town square BUT. it must be said. i prefer 2002 red dragon will graham to tv will graham. and quite frankly? so far? i think 2002 red dragon will graham is better than book will graham. i cannot lie.

my reasoning: because 2002 will actually empathizes with more people than serial killers and his boss! y'know! like you'd assume someone with constant extreme empathy would! the difference between the first scene with molly in the book vs in the movie are SO striking to me now that i've read that part of the novel. in the novel he seems very... rough, i guess, and like he doesnt care about molly's worries. he doesnt seem to see things from her perspective, which especially feels like a kick to the gut because MOLLY! SEES! THINGS! FROM! HIS! PERSPECTIVE!!! she literally empathizes with him more than he does with her! what the fuck! MEANWHILE in the movie, he does seem to care about her. his assurances that he wont get too involved seem like assurances rather than him trying to get her off his back. he hugs her and tells her he loves her and i actually believe that yeah, he loves her, he knows she's worried about him, and he wants to comfort her and ease her worries. and the victims! AGAIN such a stark difference to me! in the book, will is like... uncomfortable empathizing w the red dragon, of course, but he doesnt seem to empathize with the victims all that much, ESPECIALLY not the women. he doesnt care about them. he sees them as possessions belonging to their husbands and its so fucking gross. despite already suspecting that the red dragon chooses families based on the women, he decides to waste time focusing on the husbands as a way of "asking permission to look at [their wives]." what the fuck? meanwhile in the film, he feels for the victims so much that he can barely even say that the kids were shot in bed! when he watches the tapes, he focuses on the women! because that's his fucking job!!! and we see him empathizing with them! wow!!

siiigh okay im gonna stop talking abt the book vs the movie now bc again im only like 8 chapters or so deep. but now we come to tv will vs. 2002 will, which is admittedly gonna be more subjective and part of that it bc i cant remember a whole lot of specifics from the show bc my memory is Very Bad. but anyway

let's get the shallow stuff out of the way. yes i prefer ed norton's face to hugh dancy's. call hugh dancy "gender" or whatever have your fun i support you and your right to call any blood covered man a gender but by god is that not even REMOTELY my experience. next shallow thing to get out of the way: ed norton's line delivery is like music to my FUCKING ears compared to hugh dancy's i am so sorry. like the jokes about will shaking like a damp chihuahua before taking 5 minutes to stutter out "he's killing them....... On Purpose, jack." are funny and all but christ i had SUCH a hard time watching the show bc of that im not lying. literally hearing 2002 will just say "he's not keeping them. he's eating them." nice and quick, matter of factly is better than well im actually gonna end that sentence there but you get the idea. like YESSS you little blonde bitch get to the point i love you!!!

OKAY NOW less shallow points but also less uhh idk man i just dont remember a lot of hannibal. but basically: after seeing how caring 2002 will is, i'm kind of... idk i'm just so over tv will and how abrasive and harsh he is in comparison. like i fell in LOVE with how vulnerable 2002 will is, how he feels like he cares deeply about the people around him (and honestly... idk i cant remember a moment in the hannibal tv series that made me feel the way i felt when 2002 will can't say "the kids were shot in their beds". it's like... yeah this is a guy who feels so deeply for everyone around him at all times. i believe that.) and i just dont remember getting that same feeling from tv will. i have been gently spoon fed the most excellent chocolate pudding and everything else in my memory is just a snack pack. i guess tv will has those moments (what comes to mind is when he brings gideon to hannibal's house and is crying and he says "please dont lie to me") but idk they just didnt really do for me what 2002 will does. and then their scenes with reba! wow! i rewatched the tv version after watching red dragon, bc the film version made me tear up, meanwhile the tv version i barely remembered and i wasnt sure if that was just bc of the different mindsets i was in while watching them or what. and ok i just rewatched the tv version again and like... yeah. it's the wills lol. i LOVEEE tv reba SO much she is giving everything in that scene!! she sounds so like... broken, both bc of dolarhyde's apparent suicide and bc of finding out who he was + what he was doing, she sounds so fragile and guilt ridden! she's amazing!! but will. idk. tv will's delivery just seems... idk this feels dumb to say but it sounds like writing. i admittedly LOVE the line "people who study this kind of thing say that he was trying to stop because you helped him." and his delivery there is good. but between tv "you didnt draw a freak, you drew a man w a freak on his back" and the 2002 version, the 2002 delivery seems more genuine while the tv delivery sounds rehearsed. idk overall the 2002 version of that conversation just makes me feel more? its like. idk i can feel the 2002 version gently holding my heart while the tv version is a scene that is nice in h/nnigram gifsets or w/e.

umm ok this is already suuuper long and my brain is getting a bit mushy so i'm gonna start wrapping it up lol. i'll probably compare book will and 2002 will again after i finish the book, and then i miiight rewatch hannibal, or at least parts of s3. but right now my thoughts are basically: book will is a fucking dick who has an easier time empathizing with serial killers than with his wife. tv will is a nothing girl after being so completely catered to + also idk he doesnt have the same fragility that i want from my wills now. and 2002 will is my little caramel apple. he has this delightful vulnerability and feels like he cares so much and empathizes with more people than serial killers and his boss and 4 people in a diner for one scene! 2002 will made me care about will graham! which is honestly kind of a feat!

[dylanhawth]

[ LORENZO ZURZOLO, CISMAN, HE/HIM ] shh ! DYLAN HAWTHORNE, the TWENTY year old SECOND year ANTHROPOLOGY major from HARTFORD, CT is known as a TOURMALINE  around here. HE was invited to join because HE PUBLISHED A COLLECTION OF SHORT STORIES ANONYMOUSLY THAT GARNERED A BIT OF FOLLOWING AND RECENTLY STEPPED FORWARD AS THE AUTHOR, and now, they’re here to stay. HE reminds me of THE NERVOUSNESS OF A FIRST KISS, LEAVING SECRET MESSAGES IN LIBRARY BOOKS, DRIVING AIMLESSLY WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED DOWN ON A WARM SUMMER NIGHT WHILE THE RADIO HUMS A PLAYLIST CURATED FOR YOU BY YOUR BEST FRIEND.

[ big ass bio ] | [ connections ] | [ pinterest ] | [ playlist ] 

ooc. 

omfg hello. i can’t tell you how excited and happy i am to be here. i was too nervous to apply for the last three months but i decided to stop being a Coward and just try. im SO happy to be here, it’s the highlight of my week tbh lmao. anyway i am mar, she/her, 24, est. i live in nyc and all i do is visit the planetarium and cry. i’m so fucking bad at these so im just gonna LIST things and hope you get the vibe. i am a pisces sun, scorpio moon. i prob have a napoleon complex a little bit lmao. my favorite social media site is goodreads and i get rlly sad when my friends rate books i love poorly dfljskdfs. i can touch my tongue to my nose. i eat a lot of persimmons. i have a favorite rock at my local park that i visit a lot. idk dfskjls. i’m v friendly tho so pls hmu. i send a lot of memes, and love making meme edits for the chars so im rlly sorry in advance if you guys hate that. 

01.      basics.

NAME.   dylan h. hawthorne. ALIASES. dyl, hawth.   AGE.  twenty. HOMETOWN. hartford, ct. GENDER.  cismale. PRONOUNS.   he/him.

 02.      appearance.

EYES.   green. HAIR.   brown. HEIGHT.   6”0 BUILD.   lean. BIRTHMARKS   /   BURNS   /   SCARS.   a birthmark the shape of australia on his left thigh. TATTOOS.   n/a. PIERCINGS.   n/a.

03.      habits.

ALCOHOL   ?  socially. SMOKING   ?  socially. HABITS.  fidgets in chairs. cracks knuckles and back often. nervous laughter. chewing on pencils. talking to his plants. dogearing books. staring off into space and applying chapstick for a prolonged period of time. getting overly competitive about boardgames. stress cleaning. carries a book in his bag always. night owl. incredibly impatient when the internet is slow. creature of habit when it comes to menus, orders the same shit over and over again. LIKES.   feeding the ducks at the local pond. the smell of the earth after a rainstorm. the way music sounds coming from another room. kissing. watering his plants. inside jokes. making wishes in fountains. discussing a recently finished book with someone. making handmade cards for friends on their birthday. fireworks. coming of age films. packages wrapped in twine. jogs. the way friday nights feels when you’re with someone you love. the feeling you get leaving the movie theatre. DISLIKES.   being late. having too many coins on him. coffee with no sugar. when people speak loudly in the library. doing laundry. handshakes with too much squeeze. receiving voicemails. untidiness. golf. charles dickens. lectures with no student input. hot weather. confrontation. being caught in a lie. losing his umbrella. people who cheat during games. rainboots. bad table manners. humidity.

04.      personality.

MYERS-BRIGGS.   infp. ENNEAGRAM. the helper. ZODIAC.   pisces. TEMPERAMENT.   melancholic. ALIGNMENT.   neutral good. ARCHETYPE.   the lover. POSITIVE.   empathetic. sensitive. intelligent. charismatic. easygoing. gentle. loyal. passionate. romantic. humble. supportive. gregarious. playful. diligent. NEGATIVE.   deceitful. gullible. finicky. naive. obsessive. perfectionistic. secretive. timid. possessive. weak-willed. indecisive. cynical. indulgent. summary: basically, dylan is a love starved, people pleasing nervous wreck. big ass nerd who wants to be everyones friend, wants to be liked SO BAD. very charming and charismatic, comes off as fairly confident and comfortable at first. is able to make everyone feel loved and like they’re the most important person in the world, however lacks a backbone. is both romeo and juliet, and just as dumb as both of them too. 

05.      hc’s.

dylan was a football player in high school, believe it or not. he was rather good at it too, which is sort of jarring considering his pacifistic nature. however, he DID land on someone incorrectly at some point during his senior year, and broke their wrist. he quickly abandoned the sport altogether because of how guilty he felt. 

touched on this briefly but dylan really… loves indiana jones lmao. like, it’s quite ironic given his absolutely inability to be a badass, and lack of suaveness. however, he admires indy’s lust for adventure. he also was obsessed with the mummy as a kid. both of these were incredible sources in his very irrational decision to sudden anthropology. however, he does really love and admire anthropology. his favorite ethnography is the spirit catches you and you fall down, which makes him cry like a little bitch every time he even thinks about it. 

he’s the second oldest, but he is also baby. he is SUCH a big momma’s boy. he misses his mom so much. he writes to her often, and of course calls her even more. despite being six-foot tall, he still goes home and rests his head on his mother's lap, falls asleep as she runs her fingers through his hair. he often tries to find native english plants and flowers to press, and mail back to his mother in the form of bookmarks. has nEVER STEPPED ON A CRACK IN HIS LIFE, BABY.

just leaves a shit ton of notes in books in the library. some are riddles, some are poetry, some are commentary on the book, some are doodles. just depends on how he’s feeling for that book. he doesn’t tell anyone he does it, but he’s waiting for someone to connect the dots with his handwriting and writing style. 

speaking of plants, his room is basically a big greenhouse. he has so many plants, and takes serious care of them all. he has a little humidifier in his space for them, marks down when he waters what plants, and has a label maker to label them all with a name. they are all named after shakespeare characters. 

dyl is a doodler, so much so that he contributes to the school paper as a cartoonist. his cartoons are usually just random thoughts he has, but sometimes they get political and he works marxism into them. (this man loves marx.) 

[ suicide implied tw, death mention tw ] he dresses like a victorian boy in love with his roommate who has recently died of scarlet fever and in his mourning, plans to disappear in the bog by the school by mysterious circumstances and become a ghost that haunts the college with his lover. like lots of gray and slacks and ties ands ties and sweaters, lol. also he has glasses that he never wears because he can never find them! catch him squinting in your classroom because he can’t see SHIT. too shy to ask you for your notes though, doesn’t wanna inconvenience you! but when he’s Out on the Town®, he fucking wears like, tacky patterned shirts that are expensive but ugly. someone please help him. 

all about fun socks! he loves owning socks that have dumb little images on them. if you get him a pair of fun socks, he’d absolutely go nuts. his entire week: made. 

he leaves his roommate limericks when he senses they are sad. tapes em to the bathroom mirror or leaves them in the fridge. also loves buying people presents. tiny ones. like haunted looking things from second hand stores, or your favorite chocolate. also is the sort of friend that has EVERYTHING in his bag, in case someone cuts themselves or has a headache. can be a bit of a mom himself. it’s the little things, y’know? 

prob still in his emo phase. listens to way too mcr to not be lmao.

eco-friendly king, will not stand for you not recycling. 

if you will allow him, he will attempt to have a secret handshake with you. he’s a child. is dying for someone to memorize the parent trap handshake and indulge him. 

cannot sit still in a chair. fidgets an excessive amount, the bobbing of his knee and the squirming around. it just never ends. 

bi. that’s the hc.

he’s a little bit in love with everyone he meets if you couldn’t tell, and it’s fucking disastrous. 

he is based loosely off: patroclus ( the song of achilles ), ponyboy curtis ( the outsiders ), laurie laurence ( little women ), eduardo saverin ( the social network ), remus lupin ( hp ), oliver marks ( if we were villains. ) 

( @opalsmedia​ )

[i-am-the-balancing-point]

scary, candy and scream?

ayeeee thankies! 🥰 super cool choice of questions

Scary - Whats the scariest thing that has ever happened to you?

there are a few things but even though I felt insanely stressed at the time I am not sure if they are really scary “enough“ to “qualify” for this..? if someone else said this to me I would absolutely fucking reassure them that pain and fear are ncredibly subjective and not a competition tho. still… no idea what the right response would be.

what immediately came to mind was a few weeks ago I was in the car at night and some idiot just swerved right into our lane, then back into theirs. they didn’t hit us bc we luckily hit the goddamn breaks first but fuck??! like idk if they were drunk or a child but they continued to drive like an absolute bastard, constantly swerving left and right. then, like 400m farther, some pos comes at us at an insane speed. IN A ONE WAY STREET. like?? that was not the scariest thing of my life but still stuck.

while thinking about the answer something a little longer ago came up though. when I was 18 my parent, the one who raised me, I live with and who I am still on speaking terms with, almost died very suddenly. it was an insanely close call. I think I am somewhat trying to repress that (also because I would have literally been so fucked had that actually happened. not only in terms of not being able to support myself as I was incredibly ill back then and still in high school, being left with heaps of paperwork I didn’t know how to handle, rather important family history I didn’t know about, most of which I still couldn’t get information on to this fucking day, but also because fuck! how do you deal with the unexpected untimely death of a parent? how do you do it when you are barely legally an adult and are currently more focused on surviving yourself than on anything else? shit my parent might be useless in some aspects and might have hurt me badly in others but we are still deeply connected and really dependent on each other…)

Candy - What's you favorite candy to get when you would go trick or treating?

trick or treating is not really a thing where I am from so I never got to enjoy that but we do something comparable in my home country where children go from door to door with cute little lanterns, sing songs and are rewarded with candy in return. this is something I did every year when I was a child and it was one of my favourite holidays 🏮 I loved those mini milk-chocolate bars with cookies inside and always was most excited about receiving those as a treat! cue my shock when I found out you can get them year-round at Aldi when I was a little older :’)

as for north American candy I think I would have loved Snicker’s and Sour Patch kids!

Scream - Do you like watching scary movies? (Horror, gore, slasher, thriller, etc)

cw for suicide mention and talk about severe depression

Gosh, absolutely! I used to be obsessed with horror, especially slasher when I was in my early and mid-teens. (Very hot but uneducated take: at the time I was very very VERY depressed and extremely suicidal for years – it’s pretty much a miracle I am still here – what probably saved me that I was so deeply depressed and exhausted to a point I didn’t care enough about literally anything to actually kill myself. almost simultaneously I developed as much of a hyper focus on horror films as was possible, given the circumstances. my guess now is that this was also me trying to make myself feel something again, other than maybe the pain that managed to break through the numbness occasionally. okay, re-reading that now sounds like a desperate attempt to appear edgy but it is what I genuinely theorise is part of what attracted me to the genre.)

I still enjoy slasher, especially the classics, but I like watching thrillers much much more now. I really love the guessing and the suspense!

My favourite Halloween movies of all times are Trick’r’treat and Fun Size tho :3 I know, the latter is not scary but I am just so in love with it and I want more ppl to know about it. I will religiously watch Nightmare on Elm Street with my parent every october too.

–send me a Halloween ask–

[coffeebeannate]

Nate Watches Things: A Saga

Or in this case, one thing. One thing that was far too long of a thing, but such a bizarre venture that I felt rather compelled to put an actual review of said thing together.

Why? Because I can and because others HAVE to experience this..this journey. A nice lil journey called Die Pfeiler der Macht/ A Dangerous Fortune. And I watched it solely because Luca looks cute in Victorian clothes, and I was intrigued by the gifs.

Curiosity has always been such a great human motivator, eh?

And..guys. I just. I don’t know what the 3-4 hours (it’s two movies, and I took a couple days to watch it) WERE, exactly, but they were..a thing? I know that it’s based on a book by Ken Follett and that this production is German. Despite being based in England. 

Oh, and Luca’s character Mickey Miranda, is uh, Spanish. Make of that what you will.

So the summary is this:

A shocking secret behind a young boys death leads to three generations of treachery in this breathtaking saga of love, power and revenge, set amid the wealth and decadence of Victorian England.

And no it does not do this thing justice whatsoever.

Review under the cut. It’s too long *again, two movies here*, and I took far too many screencaps of this absolute wtfery, and uh, it’s probably better suited for a real-time live blog but nah. You can have this instead.

Some images under the cut are NSFW because nefarious boning is a key point in this..thing.

SPOILERS. So many spoilers. This thing is a spoiler fest. The caps have a very obvious Luca bias, I know why we’re here everyone. Hehe. There’s also some triggering stuff in this thing, so be warned there too.

BEHOLD:

So, a point I want to make is that the costuming in this movie is LEGIT. If absolutely nothing else works? Note that the costuming absolutely does.

The opening credits are very nice, Luca’s very pretty, this cap serves purely to showcase that because I’m a very serious man doing a very serious review.

Pretty.

So the beginning is..confusing. We have a girl, Maisie Robinson. (Around 10-13 here?) Her father is very poor and it’s her and her two siblings. He works for a man who is part of our main characters, the Pilasters?  and they run this bank. The head of the bank commits suicide, since they’re having financial troubles and he cannot repay his workers. He pens a note to his young son *under 12 at this point*, Hugh. 

Hugh never finds out about this letter, but anyway. At the moment, it’s 1866. Maisie’s father was one of those employees. Destitute, he leaves Maisie to..raise her siblings, and goes to America.

We never hear from this man again.

Hugh goes to live with his aunt (Augusta/Augustina?), uncle Joseph, and cousins, Edward and Clara.

THEN IT’S 1877 (we jump ten years)

Maisie’s two siblings have died, and she has a daughter, Rachel now. Who is also dying. This movie is very keen on people dying. I’d also like to point out that there is like, endless plots all happening alongside one another, and it took me until mid-way into part two to even really grasp what the main plot is.

The movie has a LOT of bank talk as well. I cannot express this earnestly enough, there is SO MUCH bank chatter. SO MUCH. This thing does not have to be as long as it is but again, bank stuff.

Anyway, the one plot is that Maisie is from the poor area, she’s had a horrible life and has struggled from day one. She’s in a constant battle with Hugh, and they argue a lot. A lot. (They like each other, they met as kids, but they’re from very different worlds. Hugh has money, she doesn’t, but Hugh has suffered as well and basically it’s your normal class struggle social commentary thing).

Maisie and Hugh in 1866, as kids, after Maisie’s father left for America. This is the funeral for Hugh’s father. So that’s the theme I mean.

Anywho.

Back in 1877, this is Samuel *left*, Joseph *middle* and Edward. The Pilaster’s get marched into work like they’re freaking army Captain’s and not just rich ass bankers. Imagine saluting your CEO. At work. Outside of the military. WHERE IS THIS A THING? Maybe this was a thing in Victorian England I have no clue I’ve certainly never come across it in my studies. Ffs.

Anyway.

So while all this is going on, there’s this man that wants to marry Maisie. 

And his name is,

(That’s Rachel, Maisie’s daughter). Anyway, Solly here loves Maisie and wants to marry her. But Maisie loves Hugh, and neither of them realize this yet. Solly is a himbo and we mostly like him, but stay tuned because that doesn’t stick. Sorta. Depends on how-

Nevermind I’ll just keep going.

ANYWAY, more plot.

Here’s Edward again, doing drugs, being gay, and overall..useless. Edward is..Edward is kind of like a person who would make an interesting wall decoration. Fun enough to look at, but utterly freaking hopeless, and useless, and so dumb. Just so dumb. This character is given the substance of ash fault. Kinda like, only vaguely solid enough to be entertaining. Kinda.

I don’t know guys, BUT LOOK!

It’s his good old pal Mickey! And he’s slapped Edward awake out of his drug coma (okay he grabs his face and shakes him rather than slapping but given how much slapping happens in the rest of this movie I think I can be forgiven) and he has PLOTS.

Mostly it’s his dads plot, but it’s a plot. A very devious scheme and he needs our favourite wallpapers assistance!

(Sorry Edward, but it’s true)

So keeping in mind that the ‘theme’ of this movie is bone-and-soul crushing sadness paired with periods of intense chaos and insanity that  you never see coming, our plots continue to thicken.

What Mickey means here, is that Edward’s family denied Mickey’s father what he wanted *weapons deal*, and beat the crap out of Mickey in a carriage. But that’s fine that’s fine Mickey is not deterred! BECAUSE.

*sigh*

So.

OK.

This scene.

Remember what I said about how this movie goes from being incredibly boring to so off the walls bonkers without actually WARNING YOU that it is going to do this? Yeah.

Edward, you see, really does not ‘do’ women. He’s gay. He’s extremely gay. Edward’s mother wants him to marry Florence Stalworthy for idk rich people reasons.

So..Mickey. Uh. Mickey’s solution is..this.

What is this, you ask??

Fuck if I know.

Anyway, no, uhm. This is a brothel. So (not) pictured here (I can’t post the scene on tumblr guys we have a ban) is Edward on a couch across from mask-and-feathers MIckey and this tied down woman, with another woman who is not tied down. And this is Mickey..showing Edward..how to.have sex with women. Apparently. Sort of. His lesson falls very flat. It is not a good scene, Mickey’s ‘instructions’ get increasingly louder, and he at one point makes this noise that sounds like a Joker laugh.

It is...it’s something.

(Also note there’s some extremely uncomfortable, misogynistic name-calling on Mickey’s part here..so yeah).

Oh, and it doesn’t convince Edward. At all. IMAGINE.

Around all this time, the Hugh/Maisie/Solly plot is also ongoing. And that also encompasses bar fighting (bare knuckles boxing and wrestling I think? And gambling)

Hugh has gambling debt we’ll get back to this. (He’s also obsessed with getting Russian bonds into the bank, again, the banking plot losses me a LOT)

So meanwhile, Mickey meets up with Edward’s mother.

But why Edward’s mother, you ask??

Well. *sigh*. Something I didn’t mention earlier is that Mickey likes Ed’s mum. A lot. A lot a lot. Mickey wants to take that woman to town and then some, is a very basic way of me putting it and-

Fuck it. Mickey wants to bang Ed’s mum. BADLY.

(She’s not opposed either, at all)

So their little scheme here is that Ed’s mum wants Ed to take control of the bank, but with the father-in-law alive, that’s not going to happen. So they’re plotting to take down the next person in charge who would succeed said father in law, (Samuel) who is in a relationship with the secretary mentioned above, Michael.

Yes, another GODDAMNED PLOT.

(Samuel is fairly unpleasant like all of these people, so I don’t feel that bad for him. He also kinda treats Michael like garbage, and is called out for this by Joseph later in the movie)

So the scheme here is to get rid of the father-in-law, and get Ed married. Cake walk!

(Also, while ALL THIS is going on, Mickey’s got his own mini-plot about doing these things for his father, the weapons and stuff but we don’t actually find out about the main goal of that whole thing till the end, you’ll see)

Oh, and since we’ve not had a good dose of ‘WHAT THE FUCK’ lately, Solly proposes to Maisie with an honest-to-god Alice in Wonderland party.

Yeah.

Meet the Mad Hatter! He’s a guide, he says nothing. Other people are in costume too, but you know-I have enough caps as it is.

So anyway, Maisie and Solly get engaged, Maisie and Hugh meet up at some point and bang instead. 

And while that’s happening, Edward is convinced by Mickey to marry Florence.

So he does.

Lookit this shit faced smug ass grin.

(Also ahead is Samuel again, and Hugh)

BUT THEN the bank finds out about Hugh’s gambling debts. So he leaves. Taking his cousin Clara (Edward���s teenage sister-at her insistence) to the USA. And just like Maisie’s dad, another man abandons her for the States.

So the father in law is still alive, so! 

It’s murder time.

Perfect wedding time event yeah?

So Mickey murders the father-in-law. (He jumps on him, suffocates him with a pillow, gets caught by Augusta and then they do this..weird ‘tensely make the bed thing’)

Murdered.

And then, exactly five seconds or so later..

Nothing like some murder pre-boning with the dead guy two feet away amiright?

Anyway at this point I was just:

And yelling at my ceiling. Not pictured.

I was a Hannibal fan and I STILL went !?!?!?

END PART ONE.

Part two starts out in 1912, and then cuts back to 1882. So in this messy timeline, note it has been six years since part one. And Hugh is married now to Nora, an American singer, and Clara is older and pregnant. (Father is never determined, but he’s a married man and that’s why Clara didn’t stay)

SO the three of them are returning home. Maisie and Solly have a son, David, and Maisie is depressed and distant, so Solly is the one who spends all the time with David. He’s shown as a legit good dad and it’s quite cute watching them.

(The kids Hugh’s, btw, he and Maisie both know this, Hugh does not, it’s revealed dramatically later but we still have so many plots)

Edward and Florence are childless. Edward doesn’t sleep with her. Everyone knows this.

(At this point I kept asking myself when this would end, I cannot stress how LONG this thing feels at times)

So Hugh and Nora meet up with Maisie and Solly, and they chat and there’s more love plots, more bank plots and a masquerade party where at some point Maisie thinks a little girl at the party is Rachel (who died in the end of part one, sorry!) and there’s a fire and Maisie and Hugh make out and Nora and Solly are both upset and it’s a whole thing.

Samuel now does something of a side business that’s unspecified with Michael, and pregnant Clara is being persued by the only man who might be a good match for her (she’s not keen on getting married. But he’s also..really old.) PLOTS.

And Mickey and Augusta are..still a thing. And Edward being chlidless is becoming an issue. So what is the solution dear friends??

*BANGS HEAD INTO A WALL*

Why the fuck not.

Absolutely flawless! Eddie will NEVER notice.

SO with this plan in motion, Mickey sets out to seduce Florence, Eddie’s neglected wife. He starts in a church, and I have to admit, this one line he gives is quite funny.

“I don’t go to church.”

Cannot begin to imagine why.

Also, around this time is when we get the infamous scene about how he fcked the wives of the three men and then made the guys suck his dick one by one. I didn’t cap that since it’s in gif form, but yeah.

Hugh and Solly and Nora and Maisie are still having their love issues. And there is still bank stuff as all this is going down.

But while on his Florence quest, we see Mickey beat up a guy who was abusing a small boy, and Florence see’s him do this as well and:

He looks so baffled. 

‘Me? GOOD? I really don’t think so.”

She’s also holding a baby, and he gives the infant this face:

“Eugh, what is that?”

He also finds her in church again at some point and comes alongside her like this:

”Sup? Whatcha prayin’ about?”

Anyway, while doing all this, he’s still having some issues. He needs Eddie’s signature for a bank transfer (for his father, his father’s plot is STILL a THING) and so it is time to seduce someone ELSE. This time it’s Edward. This won’t be hard. Edward wants him so bad you could probably see it from fucking space.

Mickey is well aware of this.(I don’t think it’s one sided either, he looks at Edward all wide eyed half the time, but he’s so manipulative it’s hard to judge).

Actually me right now tbh.

So that’s this followed by the infamous gif set.

Edward takes him up on it.

‘Come along my dear there’s nefarious boning to be done’.

Absolutely vital screencap below (which is the most we get anyway and I didn’t cap the line about the freaking signature because fuck plots over nice images okay)

Vital

Anyway Edward gives him the bloody signature. And then Mickey goes along to talk to Augusta. But at this point Mickey is very much beginning to unravel. His goal seems to be more centralized to finishing whatever long ass convoluted job his father has been making him do for the last six years (possibly more tbh) and he’s sort of done with everything.

And Edward see’s this exchange. Le. Oof.

SO! IN BETWEEN ALL THIS. There’s some party where there’s drama and then basically Nora..willing gives up Hugh so he can be with Maisie and Solly just..I don’t even know, single dad for life and all. Edward knows that his family has basically been doing shit all around him, and Mickey STILL seduces Florence. He has her meet him outside that night at two am and they get together, but when he’s with her he kinda has these doubts but she wants him anyway so they bang.

Yeesh.

AFTER that there’s Edward again, because Edward knows shit is up, Mickey goes to a room to grab a bag and see’s Edward there. He tells Edward goodbye, but Edward pulls a gun. Mickey just...drops the bag, tells him to shoot. Edward doesn’t, instead he turns the gun on himself and then Mickey shoots himself in a chair.

Yeah.

DEATH! SADNESS! REMEMBER-THIS MOVIE LOVES DEAD PEOPLE~!

At some point in all this, Augusta goes to her daughter, Clara, apologies for being an absolutely evil mother for her entire life and then the movie sort of begins to wrap up.

Maisie and David were going to leave for the States together, but David wants to stay with Solly, who well DID raise him despite him being Hugh’s kid. So Maisie and Hugh are alone and David lives with Solly and the Pilaster bank has discovered the ACTUAL FREAKING PLOT OF MICKEY’S DAD AND THE ENTIRE BACKGROUND THING. Which was this:

THIS DIDN’T NEED TO BE ALMOST FOUR HOURS, GERMANY.

SO Hugh lets the mob inside. We don’t see what happens after that, but Augusta comes in to tell Joseph Edward shot himself.

Lots of sadness.

So the movie ends in 1912, with David and Hugh meeting up. David never saw Maisie again *she’s deceased now, as is Solly.* they talk, there is some moral lesson or something about love. The goddamned end.

OOF.

SO overall?

I don’t know.

It’s a movie. It has a script and plot and..it was put on screen? The costumes are legitimately amazing. They might be the best thing about this thing. But it REALLY feels like Ken really wanted to make a movie about banking, noticed that’d be boring and tried to make it spicy.

It’s so bizarre. So depressing. So many people are horrible. So many bad things happen. So much slapping, so much weirdness. There’s nothing happy in this thing. Not one. The so called ‘good’-ish ending falls flat amongst a sea of depression and I re-iterate, IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE SO LONG.

I distinctly recall lots of clock watching at times, wondering how I could POSSIBLY have more to go. It then goes so completely off the rails that you just don’t know what is happening and it’s just WEIRD.

At times that weirdness makes it fun, but overall it’s really not great. I probably would never rewatch it, and I can say that it’s an uh, experience in movie-watching.

A good one? I don’t know. But an experience, none the less.

[redxblueihateloveyou]

This is a personal opinion but from where I see it the Given movie and the anime itself definitely was... something that I would question because somethings just.. didn't make sense to me. The development of the Characters were either super fast or super slow and it made the pacing really really weird for me idk. But I do think that a huge reason so many people love the Given movie is because of the fact that when you compare Given to OTHER JP BL animes, there's very very slight improvement in terms of the story itself of Given. Is the story poorly executed? Fucking hell, who the hell is going to say no here. But is it better then some of the JP BLs out there? That's depended on how you view BL to be. For a lot of people things like Super Lovers or Hitorijime My Hero are super unbearable to watch because it's "problematic" (which honestly okay, you do you BB) which then leads them to look for BL animes that DON'T have such "themes." Leading them to actually liking things poorly executed but just "not problematic", Given for example.

Given is “not problematic”? Debatable.

Their first kiss was right after Mafuyu finally had a courage to sing a song about his ex who commited a suicide. ???

Problematic doesn’t only mean stuff like “he’s underage”. What about using someone to get over your grief or getting into a relationship with someone who is still not over his ex death and is vulnerable at the moment? Is this suddenly “not problematic” bc they’re same age and he haven’t pushed him into a wall in throws of passion?

To me it’s not even about the fact if it’s problematic or not (it’s rarely not tho, no matter what ppl think), it’s about whether its believable and feels genuine or not. It depends on many factors: situation, characters past, traumas, etc, etc. It depends on the story and how you write it.

Change some stuff and it’s gonna be a completely different thing. Make it like Uenoyama only hugged Mafuyu after the song, even tho he wanted to kiss him, but knows that it’s not the right moment. Make Mafuyu heal first, make Uenoyama be in his own angst that he loves Mafuyu so much for example, but cares about him recover more, so he doesn’t expect for it to go somewhere, then he tries to date someone and Mafuyu first starts getting out there, when he feels like he can start trying again. Someday he gets sick and Uenoyama cancels his date to take care of him even tho it’s nothing serious and then the realization comes. Make Mafuyu kiss him first and take the first step. This would’ve changed everything so much. He should’ve made the first step when he was ready, this would’ve felt so right. Uenoyama kissing him after that song is just.. it feels, I was like ehhhmmm.. weird?

Seeing someone saying that Given is a masterpiece is hilarious to me. The fact that it includes heavy themes like suicide, doesn’t make it a masterpiece, esp when it’s handled this badly. Once again, if you pick such thing as a base for a love story, do it right then, not in a “bibbidi bobbidi boo” kind of thing. 

BL or not BL, any relationships, it depends on whether you watch it and it feels plausable or not. 

For example, if Yuu says that he can’t live with Mika, my tongue won’t even twist to call it “unhealthy” or be like “dude why”. But if some high schooler in slice of life anime who has a caring family tried to end himself bc his two weeks friend left him, I would’ve yelled “bitch go see a doctor”. 

Depending on the story you can sell some feelings or not.

Nezumi and Shion are also problematic according to ppl’s logic these days. But I 100% believe they’re each other’s true loves. Only 11 episodes and it’s sold.

In Given I didn’t believe it. Bc it’s ridiculous, ok? It wasn’t the right place or time to start this relationship. It is not a new love story, it’s just a sad story. 

Given movie is slightly better compared to other japanese BL? Why would you offend Sekaiichi Hatsukoi, Uragiri wa boku no namae, No.6 and many others?

Also better where? They kept the same old “’stop, i don’t want to’, but he did it anyway” stuff AND on top of that the story sucks.

The way he used him knowing very well that he was unrequitedly in love with him for so long is so disgusting that it leaves a much grosser feeling than many yaois combined. You’re saying “it’s slightly better” bc they’re of age or don’t have an age difference? I don’t get it. It somehow makes everything better?

No, thanks. I’d rather watch Onodera sleep with Takano in high school with them being genuinely into each other and it going great than whatever happened in the Given movie. I don’t care if they’re both 18 there, it made me feel bad.

I didn’t feel bad, when Wei Wuxian thought “why the fuck didn't I have sex with Lan Zhan back when I was 15? I've really pissed away all my days, haven't I?”. I wonder why is that.

Like what you’re saying here is that their opinion on BL is so low that they automatically would give it 10 out of 10 bc it’s slightly better than smth that they find “unbearable” to watch? What kind of evaluation is that exactly? Maybe also let’s compare each anime to “boku no pico”, then everything will look like a masterpiece.

Like excuse me for the fact that when I watch some shonen-ai and yaoi, I judge it the same way I judge any other genre and any other relationships (hetero or gay) in animes. On a scale whether I care or don’t care, whether I believe that they love each other or don’t, whether it’s a good story or not. I don’t get what it means “it’s good for yaoi”. It’s just not good. This movie is trash, I mean, the relationship in it is trash. Who the fuck cares gay or not gay. Trash relationships are trash. Bad story is a bad story. Whether it’s a bad gay story or a bad hetero story, I don’t give a shit.

The reason I’m more into boy on boy ships is because I love the relationships there more than relationships in most heterosexual couples. My fav hetero ships are either “from hate/attraction to love” stories like “gone with the wind”, “anastasia” or “pride and prejudice” or stuff like “equals without pink goo, who only see each other and don’t need no one else and would die for each other, epic soulmates” like Richard and Kahlan. In anime 99% of those fit bromances, not romances. Like I don’t find Midoriya/Uraraka appealing at all for a reason that “she said ‘hi’, he blushed as a tomato, now they’re supposed to be each other’s romantic interests” is not what I find romantic. I find romantic the fact that Todoroki is forever devoted to Midoriya bc he knows he’s amazing and is not afraid to say it; and he’ll always be there for him when he needs him, no matter what it is, him just sitting there crying, some villain trying to kill him or if he’s too late out ther grossery shopping. Uraraka most of the times doesn’t even care where he is.

Most hetero romantic animes, I just find ridiculous, too cheesy and unrealistic and I’m not ready to watch 50 episodes for them to hold hands. I’m not in that age and I also never found things like this romantic before either. Stuff like Kisa/Yukine, when you meet someone, find him attractive, wanna fuck him, then fall in love accidentally.. yeah, that’s understandable to me. Stuff like Takano/Onodera “I was an naive idiot in high school, but now life made me a sassy bitch and I can’t open up to people as easily” also yes, relatable. 

When you’re turning into a tomato bc someone said “penis” and think holding hands will take your virginity or smth, that’s not my thing.

So when I watch BL, I expect more, not less. So if it’s bad, I just say it’s bad, I’m not gonna be like “hmm... unproblematic... then 10/10″ like what? 

1stly, even “little mermaid” and “cinderella” are problematic. 

2ndly everyone is so focused on purity these days, like storyline don’t matter at all. It’s like any great love story is automatically trash if they have age difference. Any trash love story is great, if they don’t?

Let’s then also rate “Dororo” as 1, bc it’s like 24 episodes of them falling for each other while she’s 11 and he’s 16. Wow, such gross relationships they have during the whole story. Doesn’t matter that she grew up at the end of the last episode, the whole anime she’s a child. And let’s rate Noragami 0, bc 2000 years old perverted Yato is into 15 year olds.

No one has to fuck asap (heck even in the same hella problematic “Super Lovers” you talk about, Haru refused to fuck Ren even tho he was 17 in s2 and wanted to fuck another guy) and the rule “you can only fall in love after 18″ doesn’t exist. Also underage is not BL thing, it’s all anime thing. It’s time to shut it already. There are zillions of age gap couples out there who are great. Hyakkimaru waited for Dororo to grow up, it’s fine, seriously, they love each other in the right way, he didn’t want to fuck her when she was 11, okay? They did love each other tho already then. Pls excuse them for that.

3rdly, some relationship that ppl here call unproblematic are 20 times more problematic, than what they call problematic.

4tly, why the heck it’s like couples who have an amazing character and relationship progression, who love each other to death and will do anything for each other, ppl go: “wow, at the very beginning, he grabbed his wrist, he needs to go to jail”. Meanwhile a relationship who has no base, no story, no logical progression, no anything are “yes, best love story in the world”. Yeah... who cares if it feels like it’s all been pulled out of an ass and doesn’t make sense, very healthy tho.

It sounds lately like if most ppl here had two stories in front of them and one would be about two men who just met and the next day one proposed and they lived happily ever after and 2nd would be some complicated incredible story with a natural progression of the relationship, but they yelled at each other once, they’d be like “1st is better”. Well, not to me, no.