#not some shell of myself
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#i have some money saved up.#I was thinking I would quit my full time job and get a part time job instead#it’ll be about 20k by the time I’m ready#I think instead of getting a part time job#I will instead take a razor to my wrist#vertically instead of horizontally#and I’ll leave that 20k to my parents#there is no point in me continuing on in this world#I can’t keep working at my job much longer#and if I quit and use up my savings#that’ll just be a waste#I have no intention of starting a family#I have no intention of having sex ever again#I have no friends#I have no ambition#I just want to disappear#I have flashbacks of writing suicide notes in class back when I was in middle school and high school#flashbacks of when I would stand in front of our stash of cleaning supplies and wonder if any of these would actually kill me if I drank#them#memories of myself sleeping with a bottle of bleach under my pillow#memories of my therapist back in high school referring me to a psychiatrist and then offering me pills#pills#that I never took.#I wanted to stay myself#and I want to die as myself#not some shell of myself#.#why has this been such a painful life..#I’m inclined to think I did something horrible in a past life#maybe that’s why this has been so hard.
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DONT REPOST THIS thanks
#home#mine#turning reblogs off and taking it out of tags for a while#i might just delete it#it feels fucking dehumanizing none of you were here nobody knows what happened in these walls#even the people who live there now who probably trashed the place#neither did the people who took that grand piano out in pieces#none of you will ever understand how much i lost when they took me from here#that little girl is dead shes fucking dead and im living in some cruel imitation of her#and every time ive tried to kill myself its been so i could go home again#but i cant ill nevet go home shell never go home home isnt real anymore#r
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Initial drawings of that old man… I literally, I haven’t finished reading the book of bill yet!!! I had to stop and take a break for a week to feverishly draw fanart of myself petting fords floofy hair and giving him attention and shit…!!!! The urge was too great….!! I’ve literally. I had a crush on this guy the instant he was first REVEALED in the show, but I did not have the artistic prowess to draw good looking old men back then… but I do now… thank god… thank fucking god
#gravity falls#ford pines#stanford pines#self ship#self insert#si x canon#it me#doodles#I got a haircut! so my hair looks different now.. as haircuts tend to do lol#anyway… yeah… I LOVE HIM… GRAHHFJH#the confirmation that he rlly is just sad and lonely and insecure and craving attention and validation#OHH FORD BBY.. WE R THE SAME#like… ghghg i loved him already just w his prickly nerdy outer shell but knowing more about the vulnerable center is GREAT. ITS AWESOME#also hes a smart nerdy guy who can do science and expirements and shit which is ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS FOR A CHARACTER TO DO#u kno im all about scientists….#I couldn’t draw ship art back then 1 cuz I didn’t kno how to draw old men and 2 cuz I was like 13 lol… which would have been wierd#but I’m an ADULT NOW. GET OVER HERE FORD#also it didn’t even rlly cross my mind TO draw that stuff cuz even tho I did love ford#self ship and x reader sorta stuff was not NEARLY as popular back then.. like I specifically remember it like. booming in popularity#at some point. but being pretty rare before that. anyway. thank u passage of time and trends and new gravity falls book for introducing#me back to fictional man I love. so I can now draw myself smooching him and shit#hell yeah.#13 is probably not actually correct I do not remember exactly which year fords reveal was in…#but I was probably older then 13.. but still#the point remains lol.#also omg. the bit in the book w the goth moth. ‘ur probably into this sorta thing right?’#I AM INTO THAT SORTA THING FORD. thank u book of bill for being written specifically @ me. the immersion it’s great.#like ur so right ford I AM edgy and goth how’d u guess that tee hee. eyelash flutter#aLSO PLS IGNORE MY FINGER BEING IN FRAME IN THE LAST PIC. I was drawing in a tiny bound sketchbook#so I had to hold the paper down to keep it flat. and. I didn’t feel like censoring my fucking. pinkie finger out of the image
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I miss being an artist. I genuinely haven't had the passion in a year and it's killing me.
I especially miss making SDV art...if anyone has art suggestions, prompts, headcanons...hell even discord servers for SDV please tell me.
#i just miss being creative and free#went from a 10k follower artist who made hundreds in comms to some shell of myself#im going crazy#the depression has been hard man. all of this has been hard. i just really miss the old me who was creative and happy ig#sdv#stardew valley#sdv shane#sdv elliott#sdv harvey
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a doodle of a design for everly that i decided to be extra with
#my art#unprepared casters#courting disaster#more of a big sketch and a different brush/style than usual but i wanted to be sketchy and my main rough one wasnt the vibes i was looking-#-for. you know how it is#anyway it was asked on the patreon discord if they had set looks and amelia said that itd be fun if everly looks different everytime but ha#soft lavender eyes all the time#so like dont feel beholden to my interpretation- i cause im not gonna myself lol#some things ill keep the same. eyes ofc and i think ill keep the tooth and the beauty marks/spots but who knows how shell look next :]
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Super sexy me is so sexy I accidentally set off the fire alarm while baking pie shells for my pumpkin pie. And now I don't know if I should've even baked them in the first place. But well. Too late now 👍
#speculation nation#i am not a fucking baker so something always goes wrong when i make these pies 😭😭😭#but i am craving my grandma's pumpkin pies... i gotta bake them myself if i want them rn...#see the thing is ive previously bought pre-baked like. graham crusts#but i was like 'that crust sucks lets get a different thing'#so i got tbis dough shit that i put into pans. the box said to bake it. and so i was like ok cool#then as they were in the oven i looked at the pumpkin pie recipe for starting the filling#and then saw that it says 'unbaked shells' and so 😥😥😥😥#but too late now and it worked fine with the graham. and well. the filling is what i care about the most.#the crusts are just an excuse for having pie filling.#anyways i did set off the alarm. i think it's bc the oven was on so hot#the box says 450 which is hotter than i ever usually do. the pies themselves ask for 350#so well i turned the oven off and i have the microwave fan running#which oh yeah the fucking handle to my microwave fucking broke. it fucking broke.#i think i'll duct tape it or smth lol. microwave itself works fine still. and i dont want people in my apartment.#it's just the bottom part but it sure did just. splinter off. that shit is Broke broke.#and i scared the shit outta my cats And me with that damned alarm. and now i am just waiting.#calming down some. chilling the crusts. soon i will resume making the pie filling.#it's not like it even takes much time i am just. Nervous now.#i wanna let the oven cool off more b4 i have it going for like 45 mins lol#the crusts are kinda ugly. one of them is inflated on the bottom. these pies r going to be disasters.#so long as they still taste good......thats what i care about the most...#maybe my crusts will end up nuclear... if that happens tho ill just eat the filling out of the crust... its fine... ill be fine...#😭😭😭😭😭😭 why is everything so hard
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i miss kaneki
#jack.speaks#my art#forcing myself to do at least 1 little drawing a day to get used to this and see how i feel about stuff#csp is SO much fucking better than krita tho holy shit#way more intuative and easy to use and the ui is actually useful#i probably will end up shelling out the money for a full liscence#still dont know how i wanna structure this as a buisness and exactly what i wanna make and how i wanna sell it but#those are later me's problems#this week me just has to get used to making shit on the daily again#might start some gesture sketches tomorrow those always make such a huge difference as warm ups#bugs tw#also if any uses csp and has brush recommendations pls send them my way!!#i dont know what i like yet so im just taking recs so i can try out as many different things as possible
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Behold, my blog's namesake--LIVEEEEE 😍🤩🔥
God seeing the TDCC boys live again after nearly 12 years was incredible--not the best vantage spot being a floor and several feet away from the stage but the immaculate vibes were all the same 😌 Such a nice mix of their tourist history in music i need to throw up soon, they were so goooooood
#[adding my selfie tag for now while i keep this pinned for a bit lol ->]#ore no kao#my pics#two door cinema club#tdcc#terminal 5#nyc#now i can talk#and this being my mantra for years of trying to break myself out of my shell to some good success#the mantra is now 'tAKE BACK YOUR WONDERFUL LIFEEEE'
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Babe, based on what kind of shows and movies I already like, what kind of anime would you recommend for me? I wanna start watching anime and I have no idea where to start
Despite the fact that it's gonna 2 years since our mutualship I can't really think of an anime to watch based on what you like (that's on me I suck at vibe checking tbh) but I can give you a place to start. For example, the hit anime Death Note
#i'll be honest i haven't watched THAT much anime myself but...yeah a fair amount#you should go for studio ghibli movies. princess mononoke and the tale of the princess kaguya are my personal favourites#makoto shinkai movies like your name and suzume you might like too#and some other shows like little witch academia that one is super underrated#guys. should we expose rav to the horrors of jjk yet#also i rrally like akira ghost in the shell and alita battle angel#i really really hopes this helps!#asks#rav!
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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#ghost in the shell 1995#ghost in the shell#motoko kusanagi#just blue i gotta do a an appreciate post for major at some point cause i love her#retro anime#90s anime#1995#random this took me like ten mins to do#i'm in a better state i'm gonna force myself to sit up for the rest of the day though!
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oh fuck. oh no. im gonna have to learn a way to somehow bake the shell texture material for frontiers aughhhh
#soda offers you a can#hghng okay i did some Investigating on his forces model to see how they made the fur there#and it's pretty much done with a single image texture#it's i guess a kind of shell texturing if you will but it effectively just overlays an image multiple times#instead of doing it The Usual Way(TM)#im not quite sure how i'd really go about baking this thing even because of the way it's built??#like i understand the premise it uses and i think having like a grid of the different levels of the fur could work#that i then organize the UVs onto to get the same effect#it's the part where im supposed to figure out how to get that grid for myself that's the hard part#also it's been ages since i've baked anything i gotta relearn that too ughh
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Blusters in, flusters out (Patreon)
#Doodles#Wander Over Yonder#Emperor Awesome#Commander Peepers#Yet again some light Eyesome - at Least on the friendship side of things <3#Drawing Awesome's big smile-laugh was so fun ahh ♥ His mouth and teeth shape with his gums showing! The fact both eyes are hidden!#His hand grabbing his chest lol ♪ I was thinking the way Chris Evans laughs haha#And then pulling a ''Cute'' on Peeps hehe <3 He's said that before when he's being mean! (Though I like to think he also meant it lol)#He probably thinks cute is lame :P But cute is cute! Girls can be cute Peepers can be cute dolls can be cute! Cute runs the gamut!#I am so pleased with the little blush hashmarks where Awesome pinched him haha ♪ He is So pissed#It seems like Watchdog eyes can be touched - lightly - or at least they can choose to touch things with their eyes open#Biting/licking tends to be a closed-eye activity but Peepers has been seen drinking with his eye open! It's interesting#I think it'd probably be uncomfortable but not painful - I dunno whether to think of Watchdog eyes as being more or less moist haha#If they're more then they'd have a thicker mucus membrane to protect them - almost like frog skin?#But if it's less then it's almost more like plain skin itself - self-hydrating but thicker#I guess it comes down to what parts of the eye are actually ''eye'' lol - maybe just the iris? Though veins are visible in the sclera!#And they do clearly have eyelids and the ability to blink so they need flexible smooth-moving opaque skin on top :0 Not like a shell haha#Their helmets - Peepers' especially - act more like a shell which is very cute :) I love Peepers' ridiculous ''widows peak'' haha <3#Feel free to imagine the rest of Awesome as him leaning as far back as possible as he walks away lol#Kicking myself quietly for going with ''Napoleon'' rather than ''Bonaparte'' I think it would've flowed better and been a bit more clever#How does he know who Napoleon Bonaparte is and what he's referring to? Counterpoint what the hell is ''Bon Appétit'' - Wander & Peepers#Lol#Gone as quick as he came#He'll be back in no time to bother him again haha
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i relate to peter parker because i’ve had six crushes this year alone
damn son save some for the rest of us!!
#sci speaks#i think i've only ever had one crush in my life. wilding. i wish i fell in love easier. it feels wonderful.#oh the people with hyperactive hearts...#i wish i had felt this way at some point when i was younger. it kind of felt like my heart wasn't fully developed yet.#holds my heart in my hands. why were you such a late bloomer. why didn't you feel more things earlier on.#i'm kind of sad that i didn't have teenage crushes or anything. i feel like i missed out.#is it because nobody around me was appealing. or is it because i was too busy on my own planet.#i think i wasn't really close with a lot of people when i was younger. i kind of never came out of my shell.#so nobody got close enough to me for me to like them.#not that it's necessarily how it works. but it takes a lot for me to get there with somebody i think.#i think a lot of the relationships i've been in i'm still To This Day not even sure if i actually liked them back in that way.#squeezes my heart in my hand. why are you so fussy.#i wish i had more experiences under my belt. i really do. but also i don't want to be in situations that are uncomfortable either.#and i don't want to just be there for the sake of it.#lies on the floor and stares at the ceiling. i don't know what i want.#is love the answer?#i don't know. sometimes i want it more than anything. but it's such a ball-ache to get. sometimes you think you're better off without it.#i wish i knew what i wanted. i think i just want to be brave enough to find out.#why do i ramble so much in my tags. it's like tumblr is my therapist or something.#i'm feeling weird about myself lately. just kind of a little tired. i don't feel bad. but kind of perpetually low-energy.#like i never have the time to do things that make me happy. and when i do get the time i don't have the energy.#is this what it's like to live in this world. i need like. a year's break from work. i think.#i need like a year-long vacation. i need a gap year. i need a year to live life.#i wonder if it's financially viable. i think i'd eat through everything i have if i did that. but.#you can get money back. you can't get your time back.
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I'll put this under a cut and also don't read the tags if like... talk about what might be disordered eating habits or like.. struggling with food/eating are an issue for you.
I drink my tea and I try not to think about it, I eat my dinner and I try not to think about it, I worry that I've been trying not to think about it too much (despite calculating every meal and snack as carefully as I can with some exceptions for special occasions, which haunt me like regretful specters) and so I've Fucked myself, So I think about it, Everything in my brain starts to scream and, despite being hungry, I don't want to eat anymore or ever again, because clearly everything Bad and Dangerous, doubly so if it's Tasty and brings me Joy and if eating isn't Enjoyable then what's the fucking point? and I'm starting to think there Are no Good Foods Anyway, everything's going to add to the blazing pyre that Will kill me (It's a manageable disease that thousands if not millions of people live with, if it even develops, but it is still very dangerous and that frightens me) and I have no way of keeping track of what's happening inside my body or knowing if I'll ever not feel frayed and stressed and anxious (which affects my work and my art, which is the biggest most heartbreaking theft in all of this) or be able to enjoy a nice meal ever again and then I Spiral Spiral Spiral and Spiral, and then I realize I need to be up at 5am and I keep eating dinner and trying not to think about it.
#monster noises#I want to be clear this has nothing to do with any sort of self-induced diet or restriction or anything#and is very specifically a medically enforced change that I've just been... struggling with#I feel like I wasn't left with enough information or resources or an open line of communication#but when have I ever been?#i was too shell-shocked in the doctors office to say anything about it#I'm trying really hard not to develop disordered eating patterns of thought or behaviour#but it's so scary#and some of it I can't seem to help.#I have an notepad that I keep Food Math on#knowing what I know that feels like a Thing That Is A Bad Sign If You Have#the mental gymnastics I have to do and the Time I waste trying to get myself to eat a piece of Bread is astounding
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From @fiyr-cap 's suggestion I drew Arche from Tales of Phantasia for pose and composition practice! Luckily I had played most of the game so I'm familiar with her character.
I wound up getting a little lost in her hair near the end of her ponytail, I feel like I wasn't quite sure what to do with it. But picking a pose for being on a broomstick was a little harder than I thought it would be. It was good practice.
#my art#tales of phantasia#arche klein#they also recommended kim from disco Elysium which i have also played that game#i couldn't think of a pose that I immediately wanted to do for him though so I went with arche#some of her references are widly different than others.. especially in how poofy her bangs can be#its like i'm a chick trying to break out of the shell of art and yet i find myself still in the shell hhhgrrr
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