#😭😭😭😭😭😭 why is everything so hard

[not-so-local-lesbian]

I accidentally just wrote a mini essay in the fucking reblog 😭 I’ll just take out the first paragraph and rearrange the rest in order if I never need a personal essay I guess…

Holy shit this is what I basically said in a cover letter I had to write for a school project! (I want to do this for a living)

We’re taught from a young age to recreate how we think to fit the same system of everyone else. When we are shown a shred of acceptance for fundamentally thinking differently, it astounds us because we aren’t being forced to think in a harmful and sometimes genuinely painful way.

It may not seem actually painful to use a different system, but it is. It mentally hurts, and it can end up physically hurting because I am literally fighting against myself.

Autistic coping is accepting that you have a different system and allowing yourself to explore what that may be. It means treating yourself with kindness, patience, and with the understanding you deserve.

It is not fucking easy. It is however, worth it. You are worth the effort you are giving to yourself. You are worth the effort others will give.

(If you ever need some tips, I can try to help!)

(Story time!! Technically this is first, then it goes to the paragraphs after the “holy shit this is”)

I also said this to my friend who was struggling to do an assignment, and he cried. Told him I’d help with the assignment, He showed me the VAGUE instructions, and I said: “well, I guess you could do ___________, but there isn’t that much structure in their wording, which is why that way is really vague and confusing. Is this why a no?”

He said yes. I gave him the way I did it, and I explained it. He said: “ I can’t do spreadsheets and it doesn’t work for me, but it kind of makes sense, and I’ll just try it out and it’ll be fine!! I’ll use it. You’re already trying to help me, and I don’t want to just say no to everything and make it hard.”

After hearing that, I told him: “We won’t use the spreadsheet. If it doesn’t work for you, that is completely okay. I suggested the spreadsheet because that is how I formatted it in my brain in a specific, all be it tedious, way to work with those vague instructions. I worked with my way of thinking/autism instead of working against it in order to make the assignment less excruciating and painful. I want to help you. Giving you a different way that doesn’t help you, even though it helped me, isn’t helping you. I want to help you find a way to work with yourself instead of against yourself. You aren’t being difficult, lazy, or uncooperative. You asked for help, which is a sign you are trying. You aren’t being lazy. Hell, you just wanted to go with a plan that didn’t work for you to make it easier on me, despite me being the one trying to make it better for you. You aren’t being difficult. Also, uncooperative is far from the truth! You told me what you found confusing, a bit of why, that the spreadsheets don’t work, and a bit of why they don’t work. That’s a lot of cooperation if you ask me. Continuously working against your way of thinking/autism isn’t going to help you. Sure, you can do it the other way, but it’s harmful and excruciatingly painful. I want to help you work with your way of thinking, yourself, and your autism. If we try a thousand ways, and they all don’t work, that’s okay. We can try another way. I quite literally want to help people with disabilities, autistic folks especially, allow themselves to find and think in their own way for a living. I’m so glad you’re letting me help you”

He said he never heard anything like that in his life. He literally cried.

I said it in the last post but I’m going to say it again because it’s important so LISTEN UP!!!!!

COPING WITH AUTISM ISN’T ABOUT FIGHTING YOUR AUTISTIC TRAITS!!!!!!! IT’S ABOUT LEARNING TO WORK WITH YOUR AUTISTIC TRAITS IN A WAY THAT ISN’T HARMFUL TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

[amphitriteswife]

Savior

Source: lookism chapter 526

Pairing: child Jonggun x Child reader

Warnings: forced child marriage, bad home situation.

Genre: angst

Note: sorry that it’s so long😭 and i might make a pt2

Do not read if you’re uncomfortable with any of these themes

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‘Hi. We’re engaged by the way.’ Meeting you for the first time was quite the experience. Jonggun himself often found himself thinking as to why he was engaged in the first place, and why it was with you. Most of the time you didn’t have any filter and simply only did things for your own amusement, he had never been to your estate before in northern Japan. At first he thought you were annoying and sassy, but over time you became the only person to actually reach out to spent time for him. Not because he needed to do something but simply because you wanted to see him. Jonggun found himself enjoying your company, in a way you reminded him of Haruto. He felt like he could say anything without getting punished for it. With you he could feel a sense of freedom, even if it was just a little. You had been wanting to reach out or pay a visit after it had been revealed that some of the smaller clans had been wanting to overthrow Shingen, but Jonggun jad advised you to stay put for a while and wait until he reached out first. So you had been waiting..and waiting…

‘They want to kill me.’ You had waited for a signal from Jonggun, but seeing him in a state of panic and desperation wasn’t something you’d thought you’ll see. ‘What are you talking about?’ You asked him, trying to move your way out of the guards grasp. ‘My lady, if they find out you’re even in contact with the young master you’ll be in danger too! The headmaster has given us orders to not let you get through.’ The news of Shingen passed away as the headmaster of the Yamazaki clan was big news, even reaching the streets of northern Japan, but even so. What did the death of Shingen have to do with them trying to kill Jonggun? And to add up to the problem, the fact you were now in contact with Jonggun brought your own clan in danger. There was a lot at stake in this situation, and the Yamazaki’s are fast. Who knows when they find out that Jonggun had been in contact with you? You’d probably be one of their high suspects too. You couldn’t help but contemplate the situation carefully, your eyes casting downwards onto the floor. The best course of action was to cut ties with him, it was the best and effective way in order to protect your family…but what about him? He never had someone to fall back into, he just lose his father who had shown him just a fraction of love he winked so hard for, his mom is now with his uncle and they’re trying you get rid of him… ‘buy me some time.’ You told the guards sternly, it was against the wishes of your own father.. someone who sold you to the Yamazaki clan in the first place to clean up his own went doings against them in the past. Both guards hesitate for a moment they weren’t exactly keen on letting you put yourself and the family in danger, but at the same time it was no surprise of you felt for the young master. Well…the now dethroned young master.

Finally the two guards let you go. Only with the promise to not do anything reckless and not be out too long as the headmaster would get suspicious. Taking Jonggun’s hand you let him to a secret part of the garden, one where the camera’s couldn’t quite catch you yet. Jonggun followed you closely, his eyes looking to the grass. It had been a long time since he smelled the scent of fresh grass and plants, it took him a long way to come here all the way to the estate. Yet he couldn’t help but feel selfish. He was putting you in danger. He didn’t want that, he didn’t want you to suffer because of him. He hated making you feel like this, but ultimately he also hated the fact he was the one to cause this in the first place. ‘Tell me everything.’ You whispered to him, the newspaper only revealed the ‘passing’ of Shingen and nothing else, not why Jonggun is on the run. Jonggun hesitated a lot, but eventually spilled everything to you, how his dad passed and the fact that Shintaro was now the headmaster…as well that his dad seemed to care about him after all. From the way he spoke it was clear that his head wasn’t used to parental love and couldn’t understand why Shingen tried to save him instead of himself. It disheartened you to realize the fact how he hasn’t felt love ever since he was brought into this world, the concept of love itself seemed foreign to him. After hearing all of the things that happend you hugged him very tightly, your arms wrapped around his torso that was clothed with a hoodie. He never wore hoodies before not matter how cold it got. ‘I’ll help you okay? Try not to get caught, i’ll find sometimes. I promise.’ You told him, hugging him even tighter. Jonggun seemed se be stunned by the hug and didn’t really hug you back. Only after a little while did his arms droop over your form and did he lay his head on your shoulder. ‘Please don’t go..’ it was a soft and rather pleading sound, never in a million years did you expect him to utter such words much less in such a tone. ‘I’m not going to abandon you, don’t worry-’ ‘Miss! The headmaster is searching for you!’ The moment was cut off by the whisper like yelling from the guards. Eager to make sure no one got in trouble you gave Jonggun a quick kiss on his cheek, his cheek was cold and a little wet from the watered plants. He put a hand on his cheek where you kissed him and looked at you. ‘I’ll be back.’ You gave him a quick nod before quickly coming out of the bushes to ease the situation…yet when you returned, Jonggun had vanished from where the two of you had met earlier

It took you quite the convincing each time of your father to actually let you go outside since the Yamazaki’s had actually reinforced their watchful eyes on you. During one of the times you once again roamed the streets of the underworld the smell of smoke filled your nostrils. Was this what Jonggun saw before he arrived at your estate? This wasn’t living. The amount of teenagers here was surprising but you couldn’t help but think that most have their reasons for being here or turning to this kind of lifestyle. After having searched the area where Jonggun was supposedly to help last seen you let out a sigh and turned to walk back where you originally came from, only to hear the faint familiar voice of someone. ‘Are you searching for my son?’ Somi park questioned you, her voice was flat and stern, no emotions regarding the situation for her son or you…or herself. Her eyes didn’t hold any emotion nor light in them either. You didn’t answer her and instead brazed yourself of the possibility of the man next to her doing something to you. ‘He’s not here.’ The man beside her told you, lighting up a cigarette placed in between his teeth. ‘But if you’re fast enough, you might just find him in time when you arrive in Korea.’ So he went to Korea?..you felt a mix of emotions. You were glad that he was finally going to be save and able to start again. But at the same time…you never got to say goodbye. He didn’t even tell you that he was leaving the country….you would’ve gone with him if he asked you, no hesitation. One could argue that you the both of you didn’t have anything to lose but that was simply not true. Perhaps he didn’t. But for you everything was at stake…because he was your everything…

Thank you for reading 😔🙏

[inktopuck]

the secret of us | luke hughes social media au (pt.5)

pt. 4

Liked by elblue06 and others

yournamelastname so much peace and so much love ❤️

pookiehughes LMAOOOO QUINN IN THE REFLECTION

43hughes quinn blink if you're being held hostage by couples

Liked by yourfriend2

hughesbowl the airforces???? do you need any more confirmation??

yourfriend2 your smile makes me so happy

yournamelastname you make me happy

yourfriend2 ohhhh he's gonna get jealous!

2 days ago

Liked by yournamelastname and others

snoopy43hughes he looks so fucking hot (like if you agree)

luekhughes Y/N pls 😭😭

ellen4prez zero chill anymore she gives 0 fucks

hughesbowl what do you mean luke's gf liked this 😭😭😭

three days ago

Liked by hughesbowl and others

bunnyupdates WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE GOT HIM TO DANCE

cr0sby87 who)???

pookiehughes THAT'S LUKE HUGHES

cr0sby87 oh... idc

livelaughslaf so out of loop what do you mean snoopy hughes has a gf now??? and she got him acting goofy?

trevorzebras more important question: why is captain lexapro fanning himself

5 hours ago

Liked by bunnyupdates and others

pookiehughes lmao remember when jack included this picture in one of summer dumps.........that's actually Y/N's house

cauf13ld this is... kinda creepy

hughesbowl well she has great taste

50 minutes ago

Liked by yournamelastname, _quinnhughes and others

l_hughes06 i was told to say... bumpin' that?

ellen4prez LUKE HUGHES THE FIRST TO HARD LAUNCH???????? IN THIS ECONOMY??????!

yournamelastname ohh that sounded very BRATTY

jesperbratt oh you got me a drink?

jackhughes oh he's been seized by the girls

_quinnhughes #bratsummer

43hughes what does quinn hughes know about brat summer?

yournamelastname everything

yourfriend2 you're welcome

hughesbowl oh my god it's oVER

10 minutes ago

[sickficideas]

i just love to imagine that dazai cries when he has a high fever... someone (probably chuuya or kunikida) is with him and it worries them so much. just think about it ✨️

You're soooo right anon 😭😭 Dazai who is so sick that he has very little control over his emotions is so special to me because he tries so hard to keep things to himself and use a facade to cover up his real feelings, so Chuuya or Kunikida are both immediately concerned by the sight of tears in his eyes 😭 they never know why he's crying but they know he hates feeling incapacitated like this, he's really sensitive to everything when he's sick and it's all worse the higher the fever is 🥺 the imagine of either of them with a hand on his warm cheek and trying to tell him it's okay and he just needs to relax and try to sleep some...😭😭💔

[sinful-lanterns]

Yay! Shalom not only pops a boner but also gets to breed sugar baby!reader! She’s going to be so smug when the baby is born

YAYYYY! Imagine the SMC celebrating the fact that Shalom finally got hard 😭😭

They give her a cake and everything and everyone is just happy that Shalom is feeling better. As a treat, they let Shalom breed Sugar Baby! Reader in one of the private rooms. With the exception of a very jealous Coquelic because dammit, why did Shalom have to get hard when Coquelic couldn’t anymore >:(

[teruwasright]

Bro your words are so beautiful I couldn't have described Teru better- fr will never regret following you bro- your takes and art are so good and the fact that you actually GET Teru is so hard to find and idk- I love your art and posts bro- the way you explained everything is SO GOOD and just- beautiful???? Seriously I couldn't have said it better man 😭😭

Sorry adhd so I tend to ramble- Teru's greef and sorrow is never upfront just like him- he loves so deeply that it's his downfall and biggest weakness and I've always believed in this...

His biggest weakness is how deeply he cares and loves- he might not care about everyone (said by him) but he would sacrifice his life for almost anyone just bc it's his job- it's sad but true in his character- and if the person he's sacrificing himself for is especially someone he loves he wouldn't hesitate at all-

"as long as everyone is ok then I'm ok" type of character fr- and that's exactly why I love him sm... it might not seem like it but Teru's never been selfish or heartless- I feel like that's one of the reasons why he doesn't want Kou to be an exorcist- the exorcist life isn't built for big haerts...Teru had no choice but to hide his to protect it but he wanted to make sure Kou and Tiara had a choice...

I'm rambling sorry- I could talk about Teru for hours honestly TwT

Can we acknowledge how tragic of a detail this is? In ch114?

The fact that Teru views Kunishige (shrine grandpa) as the only one he can rely on despite how their relationship is at-best frenemies and at-worst hostile is downright devastating.

Reason #1: Teru and Kunishige’s relationship is predominantly negative.

In ch79, gramps was making jokes about threatening Teru’s livelihood and while Teru later joined in to counter, the comment was clearly in bad faith — an attempted power play to exert control over Teru and his flippant behavior. It’s a baseless threat stuffed within the carcass of a joke: “your family needs us — show respect.” Teru’s an instigator for sure, but he’s not the adult in this situation.

Point #2: Kunishige has done little to deserve Teru’s faith as an individual.

Shrine politics aside, gramps was beefing with a teenager and snitches on him to his dad! He pulled the “I’m telling Dad on you” with Teru’s OWN FATHER pushing 90 — like DAWG.

I don’t fault gramps for reporting the Red House incident given his past experiences or its history, but it was the professional choice — not the kind one. It doesn’t indicate any affection towards Teru nor resemble how you would treat a child you would go out of your way to support. Teru clearly has an adverse reaction to his father. He’s off-put by the idea of contacting him in ch79 and canonically views his father as absent and not someone he can expect help from in ch114. Not over Kunishige at least.

Yeah, gramps puts on the Santa suit per Teru’s request. That in itself is an undeniable act of kindness. He does care and I don’t doubt that he is there for Teru. But it’s not enough to deny this fact:

Conclusion: The only person (and adult) Teru feels he can rely on doesn’t treat him very well and won’t protect him from his father if it meant going against his shrine duties. A bottom of the barrel choice because it becomes unnervingly evident this child, Teru, as early as 14, grew up having no one else. He chooses Kunishige over his own father, family members, friends, teachers — everyone.

And Kunishige doesn’t even like him.

[orcelito]

Super sexy me is so sexy I accidentally set off the fire alarm while baking pie shells for my pumpkin pie. And now I don't know if I should've even baked them in the first place. But well. Too late now 👍

[abnomi]

been trying to get back into animation

original gif below ^^ teehee!

[flowerakatsuka]

" just know that i'm always here for you, okay? "

i'm finally finishing up my s2 rewatch and getting to the 24th episode awoke a beast in me. so i wanted to make a fake screenshot based on some of their lore that takes place during that episode. i think they'd end up having a heart-to-heart moment since kuroba went through similar struggles after their grandfather's own hospitalization...

also have a bonus doodle bc i need to even out the balance between serious & goofy with these two.

[scificrows]

Okay, my brain refuses to think about anything other than Murderbot, so I looked at every use of the word "friend[s]" in TMBD and... created some pie charts. Normal human activities.

Some Thoughts™ I had while putting this together (under the cut):

In All Systems Red, Murderbot notes that the PresAux crew are all close friends (twice! and goes on to explain their internal relationships which I think is very cute). This is pretty much the only use of 'friends' in ASR, except for when Murderbot says that SecUnits can't be friends with each other.

It seems that this may be one of the first times Murderbot has ever really been around a group of friends before? Murderbot notes that this is not the norm for its contracts and admits that the fact that they are all friends and the way they interact with each other make it actually enjoy that contract (before!!!! the hostile attack, so it already enjoys this contract before they start seeing it as a person etc ghghhhh). [Inference: Friendship seems enjoyable.]

The first character that calls Murderbot its friend is ART in Artificial Condition. Murderbot immediately refutes this (and then goes on to call ART its friend to its clients for the rest of the book). [Inference: Maybe ART is Murderbot's friend. And maybe that is... agreeable]

Rogue Protocol has more than twice as many instances of the word 'friend' as any of the other novellas. Why? Miki. Friendship and its implications for non-humans are a central theme because Miki is friends with everyone. Murderbot initially scoffs at the notion that Miki and Miki's humans are friends. At the end of the book, after witnessing how desperately Don Abene tried to stop Miki from trying to save them, and her grief after its death, Murderbot has to admit that she had in fact been Miki's friend. [Inference: Humans can be friends with bots and can sincerely care about them]

In Exit Strategy, Murderbot tentatively uses the word "friends" for its humans for the first time (several times actually). It questions whether it can actually call them its friends or not and later realizes that it had been afraid what admitting that the humans are its friends would do to it. At the end of the book, Mensah tells Murderbot the PresAux crew are its friends, which is the first time a human has directly said that to it (at least on-page). [Inference: Humans can and want to be Murderbot's friends]

In Network Effect, Murderbot seems to be more habituated to the word 'friend', confidently calling ART and Ratthi its friends, like it is no longer just trying the concept on unsure if it fits. There are many instances in which other characters refer to MB as ART's friend or the other way around and Murderbot's humans refer to Murderbot as their friend several times. Generally, there seems to be less hesitancy, because yes, all of them are Murderbot's friends, why wouldn't they be. [Inference: SecUnits can have friends. This SecUnit has friends. They care about it a lot.]

Conclusion: The Murderbot Diaries tell the story of a construct that does not seem to consider the possibility of friendship for itself and is fine with that - until it accidentally starts caring a little too much and suddenly more and more people annex it as a friend (ew) to the point where it can no longer deny that this is happening and has to begrudgingly admit that yes, it has friends now and maybe that is actually not a bad thing.

[clonedchaos]

I forgot to post this here, but I doodled Inky in my lecture notes with 0 reference bc I was bored 🥲. People in the Bendy discord seemed to like it, so here it is!

He do be smiling. Little creature >:3

[bungobble-my-balls]

WAIT SIGMA WAS ONLY A PAGE IN ATSUSHI'S STORY

BECAUSE ATSUSHI IS A BOOKMARK AND THE BOOKMARK MOVES AS THE STORY GOES ON

BUT SIGMA WAS BORN FROM A PAGE, AND ONCE THE BOOKMARK PASSES A PAGE IT DOESN'T GO BACK

THEY MET ONCE FOR A SINGLE CHAPTER, A BRIEF IMPORTANT INTERACTION, AND THEN DIDN'T SEE EACHOTHER AGAIN (FOR NEARLY FIVE YEARS IN OUR TIME NOW). ATSUSHI CONTINUED WITH THE STORY BUT SIGMA STAYED WHERE HE WAS (DEALING WITH DOA AND FYODOR BALONY)

SIGMATSU ANGST SYMBOLISM?? IN MY BUNGOU STRAY DOGS??!!??

[fumifooms]

Makima, devils and self-fulfillment

Dumping some Makima and CSM thoughts after a part 1 binge bc I think about her forever and ever. I’m sure I’m forgetting some devil lore, feel free to correct what i get wrong/what’s been confirmed. On the table of contents there’s why & how Makima got fixated on Chainsaw, her revealing liking for the country mouse and discussion of her nature & emotions & desires. Was the scorpion doomed to be a scorpion?

The most of this post was thought of during a conversation with @saccharineomens and I don’t think it makes sense to jump into the spiral it sent me on without first laying down the interesting groundwork theorizing she did:

"Thinking about how makima herself wants to be deified. I wonder whether she recognizes the difference between Love As Worship and the love that Aki, Power, and Denji had. She says she wants to help humanity by having Chainsawman eat the “bad” devils, but why does she want to help humans? Because she was ordered to by the Prime Minister? No, her drive seems much more personal than that, it seems like she teamed up with the PM for contractual reasons. (In the most recent chapters we see governmental members wanting certain devils to be eaten, too. What was Makima’s relationship with them? She’s too independent to just follow THEIR orders, she’s Control.)

So is she wanting to better humanity for the accolades, or out of the goodness of her heart? She sees the big picture. She sees any small sacrifice as worth it for the end result, and she’s ruthless. Perhaps she thinks that a more sedate human race would be easier to control? But Makima doesn’t loathe humanity. She never acts like she sees all humans as lesser. She loves humanity’s creations, like good food and movies. She just wants Good Things all the time

She says she prefers the country mouse BUT adds a story where she helps exterminate country mice like vermin. She likes the simplicity yet rejects the idea of being simple. Makima the complex individual you are"

~

The story itself seems to prefr the country mouse. Well- it strikes a balance, shows that a risk to live good & fully can be very worth it, but still that stability over ambition is preferable, proning having a simple happy life over fame, a simple job instead of a dangerous one, etc etc. And I do find Makima’s answer on this so so interesting, she prefers the country mouse, but this preference isn’t out of affection or sympathy but because of how relaxing it feels to exterminate them when they cause problems.

Order satisfies her. Her order satisfies her. She likes the action of rooting out disorder. Maybe this is the devil part, like how Power especially wants blood and drinking it, I feel there’s an itch to every devil, and for Makima it’s a very rigid world view/morality/standards & making things follow her rules and submit to her order.

And maybe this is why she’s attached to humans too, why she felt it was worth it to stick with the government- because devils are chaotic by nature (it’s a whole plot point that hell is essentially a free-for-all battleground for example), meanwhile humans are the species that universally rule Earth with systems they invented and instilled. They made then enforced rules, complex and intricate webs of them. She feels alienated amongst devils but she understands the humans’ need for an orderly organised society, and now she wants to be part of it. Control and conquest require social dynamics after all, requires civilizations or groups. War is chaotic while peace is, well, peaceful— Makima resents her sisters for being death, famine and war, things that throw the world in such chaos. She wants a world of perfect order, no matter how much collateral damage there will be if the end result is control.

This is even more interesting if you consider that yes, Makima is untouchable of her own design, she deifies herself with her omnipresent amount of control and the sway over others that she seeks and encourages— There is this urge to dehumanize her for it, that yes, she is the devil of control and that means she was never going to be any different, have any more feeling be any less uncanny. And I love part 2 so much for this, because it shows us the war devil and the famine devil and we see how frankly uncharismatic with poor self-discipline they are, Nayuta too, and it helps us realize just how much Makima’s success was self-made.

She admires Chainsaw Devil, the Hero of Hell, because he had his own code and his own rules and he made Hell, the chaos pit, submit to them unfailingly. Wherever he goes he decides what he does and what happens to the people he encounters but does so consistently, he has his mechanism and his rules that he always obeys, and he fulfills them every time. It’s still a mystery the why of Chainsaw Devil’s behavior back then and how it works exactly, maybe Pochita left hell because he was tired of these rules he lived by like chains, but still, he was a servant to his code. Makima would have been glad being killed and eaten by Chainsaw Devil because it’d have been becoming part of his design, his conquest, his domination, she’d have been part of that —his— order. Through her death she would be shaping his world and be part of a conqueror’s making history. Like how she appreciates the country mice that die for the sake of order. Like how sacrifices must be made to herself, like listing the name of every person whose life was lost to the Gun Devil— All for the ~greater good~, for her vision for the world. Conquest always thinks its reasons are justified.

And she does mention with the country mice thing that she goes out to a friend’s farm every year! She has a human friend?? That she visits yearly and she genuinely likes it?? Ultimately she lives a busy city life because of her goal and drive and her urge & satisfaction with overseeing shaping the world herself, but part of her, like so many characters including Angel and Aki and Reze, wishes she could live a slow peaceful country life. Moviegoing and dogs and mice in a farm- Wouldn’t it be so much simpler if Makima could find fulfillment and happiness in being a farmer, in keeping control of her own farm, getting satisfaction from exterminating vermin and expertly getting everything right, the right crops grown at the right time on the right soil? Here, too, in a way it’s trying to have full control of an ecosystem, but her goals would be easier to achieve and better, without ceaseless sacrifice or much pressure. But Makima wants grandiosity and her goal does matter to her on a fundamental and moral level, she does think she knows what’s best for the world, and with the power to change it why wouldn’t she strive to? Visiting the farm is just a break, just something she does in fall to help out and just in time to see the vermin extermination. It calms her, then it’s back to actual work.

In capitalism, even the one at the very top of the ladder is ultimately alienated from others and often unsatisfied by their lifestyle, always wanting more and more power because surely that’s the extra edge they must be missing to be content— like how Makima thinks she wants to dominate Chainsaw Devil instead of being his equal. And she says it herself too, she likes humans the way humans like dogs…….. And she keeps so many dogs :( Makima prefers the country mice because they’re calming to root out, maybe because she usually mainly deals with city mice. It’s very easy to equate humans to the mice in this allegory because it’s pretty direct and she’s already likened humans to lesser animals compared to her. She’s self-isolating by design for her design but she still craves relationships and contentment, and the dogs are the embodiment or her want for bonds and occasional simplicity because there is no possible ulterior motive, no way they tie back into her wider plan. They’re her personal life— something that feels so alien when speaking about Makima. Personality and individuality and likes and preferences and friends they visit every year. She likes how easily she can train a dog and how they become putty in her hands, at her beck and call, how much they love her and how much she enjoys their love. How simple and straightforward and easy it is. She keeps them because she likes being loved by them and loving them, and she’s gotten and raised so many. A conqueror always wants more and more and more, is never satisfied.

Devils and agency

Like Power the blood devil wanting blood and having a fixation on drinking it like with Denji’s, or how it was shocking that the violence devil was pretty tame and nice and how he himself theorized it was because he was a fiend and possessing a human body… There’s something to be said about nature vs nurture with the devils. The way they reincarnate and always embody their fear makes it seem categorically like nature, that they always always end up fulfilling the role they were named after and born to fill… Outside influence they’re helpless but to conform with. Like the humans accepting their spot in the social ladder and the shittiness of their living conditions and job under capitalism. Makima craved being equals with someone despite being the control/conquest devil, Angel Devil despite claiming to be a devil who likes to see humans dying was haunted by their deaths and wanted to avoid ones like Aki’s. The Ghost Devil being ironically haunted by Himeno, seemingly helping Aki in her memory out of… Lasting affection? Or maybe it was less about being haunted itself and more about it recognizing how Himeno haunted Aki, and acknowledging that, with the memento, paying her respect to the ghost of her. It’s Angel Devil’s devil nature that makes him like human suffering, so then is it his angel nature too to still care about their deaths? Is there truth to this or is that just personality, just our confirmation bias haunting every part of their identity like it might in their own view of themselves too? We do know different reincarnations of devils do have different personalities after all.

Yoru, war devil, is the most interesting one when talking about the nature vs nurture debate with devils. There is how through her we see the perhaps the most the consequences of a devil stopping being feared— we see a horseman for a concept as universal and horrifying as war be reduced to some bird who needs a contract with a human to have any power even just on the situation when meeting Asa. And through the story we get to know her better, and it becomes clear that her goal is fueled in good part by simply wanting to be remembered and respected through fear. Liked, validated, seen a powerful. But what is more isolating than war? Or control? We also see Nayuta accepting others’ house rules. If part 1 shows perhaps the futility of running away from the truth, with Denji’s memory, with escapist coping mechanisms, with passivity and denial under a corrupt system and with abusive relationships- running away from your own feelings and from the reality of things and from all that you are, more complex than simply human or devil or both or neither— part 2 builds upon the theme of cult of personalities, the chainsaw church, etc. The apocalypse is coming, but this celebrity superhero might save us all, or doom us all uh, dunno. The hero of hell reliving the cycle of pressure from responsibilities and expectations, maybe the part will end with Denji running away like Pochita did~

But yes, on the reverse, I think Famine is a very interesting example of how a devil’s namesake may be more innate than coerced by circumstances. One would think that a famine devil would only like inflicting famine upon others, not being famished itself, but Famine has a bottomless stomach that can never, ever be satisfied, sated. I struggle to find a psychological explanation for this, except that maybe instead of her being hungry it’s her feeling empty when she’s not eating, tasting and having that high sensory experience that releases serotonin in humans, sort of like drugs? But I do take this as a step towards the compulsion theory overall, feels like a reach in the consistency otherwise. And compulsion does not mean it’s something that they like nor that it’s something that they fight against, pretty neutral, just a nature that nudges you towards one path. Maybe it’s even just their go-to for entertainment. Maybe it’s the only thing that makes them feel right and whole. But still the debate remains, what is it, a compulsion or an urge or an itch or an active desire or a conscious chosen want? Does it change anything in practice?

And because of all of this earlier, devils being self-fulfilling prophecies with their role is not in unsignificant part nurture, because doing their atrocities is how they stay remembered— feared, powerful, known— hell and devils are a very isolating place and breed after all, and we do see devils can want companionship. Existentially, it’s their purpose and how they justify their place in the world, in the terrifyingly vast and unknowable cosmos.

We still know so little of what makes Chainsaw Devil so special, why his carnage is so self-controlled. Despite a chainsaw maybe being possibly one of the most "nature" thing you can be— a tool to cut things, a human tool that can be helpful for many things, something to be wielding by another at their judgement on what they decide, but mainly something to cut, a tool suited for carnage, to hurt and to destroy. A blade with a toothed chain, spinning around and around and around endlessly on the same road at the same pace. Such a…. Innately circular concept. And yet the Chainsaw Devil is his own, not driven by an urge or by chaos but his very own brand of order, his own unique assigned purpose, a "if you call i’ll come running to help" policy equalizing everyone. He chooses to withhold his destruction and interference otherwise, and then he chooses to be used. If it’s a choice, of course.

Maybe this is what inspired Makima so much, that Chainsaw Devil could decide what to make of himself despite expectations or innate role. Because even Hell he decided & managed to subjugate under his will and whim, with a precise vision and process. When Chainsaw Devil acts like Denji or is defeated, Makima clicks her tongue and loses her admiration and respect. Makima admired and liked Chainsaw Devil, but only as long as he matched her great image of him in her mind, as long as he followed he rules for what she thinks he should be like. She admired him for his unrivaled self-made success, but once he stepped out of that to truly embody self-fulfillment and agency, disappearing from hell to live on his own road at the beat of his own drum… Well. Surely that was a mistake she has to correct. However their second battle ends, the better conqueror will have prevailed and she’s happy about that, all in the spirit of domination and subjugation.

Imo Makima’s biggest tool, similarly capitalism’s most helpful effect for its own purposes, is complacency. Resignation and passivity helps uphold the system and go along the flow of the will of the people in power. Aki and Reze go along with orders even when knowing their job is trash, etc. In Angel Devil especially we see him go along with the flow uncaring about anyhing, and we discover it was in part due to Makima taking away memories that motivated him. If every devil decides this is just how things are and how things should be that’s what they’ll continue to be and do mindlessly, not pursuing a better life like Chainsaw Devil and Denj and not seeking to change the world like Makima. I think even Makima veils herself to a lot of things, she doesn’t like to think deeply about some things, like her desire for connection, or how making bad movies disappear is strenuous and unsustainable and requiring sacrifices at best— how her judgement is as subjective as anyone else. How liking the country mouse and her friend back at the farm and her dogs could be not devoid of sentimality. Wanting bad movies erased is her one biggest show of selfishness, of pettiness and individuality, it’s about her tastes, simple as. About how she can have tastes, and cry seeing a scene of people hug, and want things that aren’t logical, her ideology and mind twisted into a pretzel to avoid acknowledging that she doesn’t live and breathe purely for the mission she’s made a single-minded robot out of herself to accomplish. Nayuta is assertive and selfish and loud, Makima is manipulative and strategically both for her goals and for coping hollow.

Everything in her plans and goals she says is for the greater good, necessary evil, manufactured happiness the way she’ll have decided for people— and that’s the thing isn’t it, like with War, it’s the crack that shows it was all truly about herself after all. Her self-made deification still had the flaw that a self made it. Makima is not omniscient, and it’s not Chainsaw Devil the not-so-fellow-kindred-soul conqueror who gets the best of her, but a city mouse, a dog, someone she would have never thought to respect, Denji.

[tragicotps]

Asriel Belacqua + his biggest weakness aka Marisa Coulter

[displacedbias]

Are they joining this year's gala? :>

you bet they are!!!!!!!!!

[Open for gala interactions! Both writing and art >:3c]

[litrallytyrus]

rewatching the tyrus storyline and kira wanted tj so bad it’s embarrassing like she was really throwing herself onto a boy who was clearly giving major heart eyes to his boy best friend right in front of her . like omg she didn’t give a fuckkk she was like i can change him 😍 and she was so wrong like nobody has ever been more wrong