#not saying it's bad if u dont bc again thats Me. i just feel like im not using it good enough if i dont | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

skunkes · 6 months ago

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#a doodley #i had to make this blue so tumblr would stop hiding it from the dash #anyway no caption this happened 2 hrs ago #im happy abt my surgery but it and other things this year keep beinging conversations like these up #and i cant handle it at all.#everything my dad tells me just makes me feel worse and not bc its anything bad but bc I Feel Bad #like the conversation then continued to him being like no dont cry im just saying i wpuld have wanted to #quit my job decades ago and set aside money so I wouldnt be struggling as much now but that didnt happen #and i just dont want that to happen to you guys :)#so we have to support u so that your life is what u want it to be #and i cried even more bc what do u mean. thats so sad. ur a person and u were a child and baby once and ur gonna die #and you always almost cry when u talk about your mom who passed away decades ago #and your brothers that passed away #recently and im going to be your age and still sobbing bc i miss my dad. just like i have been prematurely crying about since i was 7 #the other day my dad asked my mom if i cried a lot when i was a baby/kid and my mom said no and then my dad #said that when i Did cry it was so severe he thought i would ''drown in my own tears''#bc i could never stop. like. thats still true today. ive been crying on and off since then #i think i mentioned he's just been telling me stories about his life lately and it further fuels this. i get so sad. im sorry your life was #like this. i dont want to die i dont want you to die im sad im sorry im sorry #im scared. im never going to see you again. how horrible. how horrible #i cant enjoy my day today bc every day is a day closer and i get sad

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jrueships · 6 months ago

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he looks like a predator lowkey

DAMN i mean 😭 damn,

tbh, not to get preachy or smthin, this is just my personal onion, im not the biggest fan of 'i always knew smthing was wrong with x' or 'he always looked like a creeper to me' / 'gave off those vibes' bcs i kinda feel like it diminishes survivors' .. surviving. And gives off this sense of 'as long as you look out for These Static Qualities that All Fucked Up People have, you will be SAFE' thumbs up quota kinda thing,,, which is very dangerous and way too broad for an unfortunately worldly and everslipping issue in society. SORRY ANON, i just wanted to get this off my chest and thot this was a good opportunity, it's just my personal probably underrated thots

#the most fucked up things abt truly fucked up ppl is sometimes not even being able to tell theyre fucked up #until irreversible shit happens #like before the giddey event my only opinion on him was he gave off american psycho vibes and in appearance #when the stuff came out abt him tho i was like damn that crazy #i dont wanna turn a coincidence into a sole cause tho bcs thats slippery #esp with a poc as the person of possible predatoration (this shit is NOT a word LMFAO WATEVER)#and this is NOT me saying only white ppl can be predators or smthing stupid like that #like the ones with the dahmer cut and the glasses and jakcet or whatever #bcs again that just lowers ppls guards and raises them at maybe inopportune times sometimes #but with esp poc appearance criticisms are very much eggshell walking bcs it's easier for Very damaging stereotypes #and just bad thot processes in general to follow them #in general #like i know when i was younger i was always avoidant and quiet to white girls who tried to approach me bcs i didnt want ppl making Bad joke #abt us just bcs *i* know bad (like BAD bad. not just white ppl love mayo jokes or wtver lol) ideas create those opportunities #and also i read a lot (i liked fictional better but read some history too) and also looking like. yea. u know #i knew #just in general... unfair assumptions create unfair actions/opportunities #try to be avoident of that in general.. even if u feel 'justified' sometimes thats just personal!#personal feelings should be specified as personal juust in case u know. it takes 2 seconds to safeguard #bcs not a lot of survivors get justification or Feel justified in surviving and #idk man #anyways #gets off my soapbox and shrinks ten feet

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opens-up-4-nobody · 4 months ago

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#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music #which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad #its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading #papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot #i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages #and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc #i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this #works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab #have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier #so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break #myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take #the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me #so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester #i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt #my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just #at the end of the line and it sucks #unrelated

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piratadelamor · 2 days ago

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its a bit weird that i know both of my boyfriend's exes personally and even weirder that we all look like each other because he really has a type and there's the fact that his first ex shows up all the time on my instagram and his second ex is weirdly obsessed with trying to keep contact with him even though she was the one who left him for someone else (on december 23rd !!) and she stalked me on ig and she's friends with my roommate and like. this is my first time not being my partner's first gf so it's my first time dealing with ex gfs and it's all just super weird to me

#idk how to explain there's a bit of jealousy yes but mostly its just a weird feeling that i cant really explain #why are they both so close to me this is so unnecessary kfndkf #i think its a big green flag that they're both pretty and both very interesting people #and i cant say if them looking a lot like me makes me feel more or less insecure #bc yeah i sure am his type but am i enough like am i more or less than them (type of shit i think when im feeling insecure)#but in the end they both broke his heart and left him for someone else #i think what makes me mad is that they really did break him and i found him in pieces and watched as he picked himself up little by little #as we started dating and falling in love with each other but i know and he acknowledges that there are parts of him that broke forever #and the fact that they had these parts that i will never have because of them is what fucks me up sometimes #but at the same time he's grown and changed a lot and there are new parts of him now that they never saw and never will...#its not a competition i know but its really hard not to compare myself sometimes specially when theyre already so similar to me like #the comparison is already there its automatic kfndkdn u cant look at the three of us and not realize that we look like each other a lot #anyway #i think its more about my desire or my fantasy of having him all for myself #or of wanting to feel like im special and unique and not just another one??#its so dumb because its obvious that i am and he makes it very clear to me all the time #but thats it. i'm dumbbbb #im not even feeling bad rn i just saw his first ex again (she goes to the same hairdresser as me lol) and these thoughts came back again #so i wanted to vent #i think i deal with all of this pretty well but knowing how to deal with these feelings and thoughs doesnt mean they dont occur at all #ok im doneeee

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tohrus · 3 months ago

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welp . due to "unforeseen" circumstances, imma have to leave my toxic ass household :D

#like lolllll who is surprised #i just didn't think i'd potentially have lesser of a relationship w my sibling bc of it #but it is what it is #idk what it is about male-centered women standing behind their man when they're manipulative violent assholes #but again - how can i really blame a victim like i get it ig ur in a hostage situation yourself babe #anyways. idk where my dad got this bat from but i got it in my room just in case someone wants to put their hands on me again #mind you - my situation is literally so easily solvable but bc these ppl are stubborn ...#like. the entitlement is crazy idk #like u want me to be down in the basement with YOUR kids that u neglect and don't even watch #and get mad when i set ground rules for them to follow? which is cleaning up after themselves???? oh brother #like you would think you'd wanna be down here to monitor ur kids but nooooo #they literally want the room upstairs and it was *decided* before we moved in (i didnt even have a chance jdksks)#and they want it bc they want to be far away from their own kids as possible.... like yalls actions are shitty.#imagine if i did ts to them where I have kids - I have them near you - and I DO NOTHING to parent them . thats a frustrating situation for #anybody i feel like ??#and before we moved - i DID have the upstairs like woopty doo ig nicer ofc and they were STEADYYYY trying to get me out of that room #(mind you - i have lived there since i was 12/13 and they came wayyy after)#like ... r u kidding me lolololol u want authority so bad over a basement ur not even in anymore #like mind u im not trying to overstep and be their parent ? ik im not . im just their auntie #its just so wilddddd to me they dont see how silly this is?#like maybe im wrong ? but having ur kids stay downstairs when ur upstairs was already off to me. like bffr u want them kids out your face #and u tryna pass them off to me and it's not subtle. but then get mad when i say smth abt behavior OH BROTHERRRRR #but anyways. the straw that broke the camels back was the fact this ngga spit on me. AND then put his hands on me. like omg???#i wanna break his shit so bad w this bat but chile....that is not productive and that is not me #but the rage i have omgggg. i wanna cus its like?? fuck you. ur literally an ABUSERRR idgaf about ur feelings btch.#chatter

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apathyfairy · 4 months ago

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me at 13: by the time im 30 i will probably be married and maybe have a kid but for sure i will be living in my dream city and have my dream job. and also a lot of money

me at almost 30: i think i will treat myself to a corn dog this weekend

#i want a corn dog so bad rn #ngl u guys im actually really struggling with turning 30 at the end of the year lmao #not lmao bc it really is bothering me which is so stupid i know I Know #but. and i know we're All struggling with this. but it's like god i have done nothing with my life #like fr. everyone says that but i literally have done nothing. ive never had a real 9-5 ive been freelancing since college #and tbh i guess that's not a bad thing? but self worth wise i feel like a complete loser.#but ive just made one mistake after another and i know that's what your 20s are for and u know what this is my tags and im not going #to keep contradicting myself i feel like shit bc i feel like shit and ive wasted my whole life thats that #i just feel like such a sham like i cant believe this is what 30 is like i on god feel like im still a teenager #not in a carefree kind of way OBVIOUSLY. which i never was anyway. but i just ?? feel like that #scary fucking episode of rugrats where tommy and chuckie become their dads and they go to work and theyre so fucked up bc #well theyre babies and they dont know anything. and even the fact that i just referenced rugrats to explain how i feel lmaooooo #relationship wise well u guys know how that is. and i truly couldnt care less about what people think about me not being in a relationship #ever and tbqh i dont give a fuck anymore either like. and here i go bringing this up again. but after my ex im like ok life truly is so #short fr i dont even care like anyway. anyway. the point is there is just no reality whatsoever where i pictured my life where i am now #once again living with the abusive relative i moved across the ocean to get away from.#no love life to speak of. fr dont care but god wouldnt it be nice to be loved fr.....#no career. living in a state i hate with all my heart. barely surviving money wise. which is everyone rn but #if i had known 10 years ago this would be my life i would have honestly killed myself.#like if i knew it would all turn out like this i wouldnt have moved i wouldve just fr killed myself and i wish i did lol #to be fair. i didnt see myself living past 18 but like. i just thought something would have saved me by now

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lolikirlia · 4 months ago

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tbh ppl are kindof mean

#maybe idk maybe its my fault but its likee every time i talk to ppl on tumblr ever they promise thier nice and different a hundred times but #like in one day thier like they get super mad at u if ur not there every day and thier likee #like u say u dont feel comfy sending pics of u bc of things thats happened and thier like ok i wouldnever ask u to bc we r friends #and like the next day they ask and ur likee i dont want to and they get really mad and ask again and againg and again and again #and then u feel bad and u do maybe some of what they want and they jsut want more or try to make u #and idk. i like to talk and make friends and talk about Stuff but i feel rlly bad when i say i dont wanna an ppl get mad #so im likee idk if i will wanna talk here anymore and i been avoiding it and stuff alot for like long times #but also like i like th people i talk to alot besides that and im not like like no fun or whvtever #and its like maybe im the one being mean rlly but idk like #like i dont like to make ppl sad esp when were like friends #just stresses me and makes me not wanna talk here #soo if i dont talk here again thats sorta why #ig #ill probbably still look at posts and stuff sometimes but idk for sure if i will talk so much

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storm-of-feathers · 6 months ago

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u guys think my pharmacy will flag me for drug seeking behavior again if i call them right as they open and explain im pretty much nocturnal and id like them to refill my shit before noon bc thats about when im getting to sleep these days

#and waking up after they close #also: theyre closed on saturdays now #idk why but my best guess is they only have one actual pharmacist and state law says they need at least one day off a week #and girlboss demanded saturdays. as she should tbh i cant even imagine her workload #which is why i feel so bad ab calling in the morning to ask for a Fast refill but also maam please my sleeping schedule is fucked #and u have my sleeping medications. i beg u-#funny enough the other two meds (one of them is a much stricter schedule) did refill already and refill early #but ig thats bc i got shorted on the last refill so they figure im out #and now i am but i had to ration like hell #but also i just dont want them to ever call me a druggie to my face again lol that fucking stung #i didnt work so hard to get over other addictions to get that for a medication im actually prescribed and need. fuck.

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phagodyke · 7 months ago

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for such a supposedly major fan of the national I sure mishear a lot of their lyrics 💀

#i thought sea of love started 'when you say you love me jump/how am i supposed to know'#but its not jump its joe. who tf is joe idc the lyric doesnt work as well when hes in it #also later on theres a repeated bit that i thought goes 'angel sorry i hurt you but they say love is a virtue dont they'#which makes SENSE bc angel virtue etc. but its not angel hes saying 'hey joe' THIS GUY AGAIN????? GET OUT UR RUINING IT FOR ME 👉#i know what the correct lyrics are in my heart. even if the band themselves dont <3 #also in anyones ghost i thought he says 'i dont worry abt u' but its not its 'i dont want anybody else' STOP MUMBLINGGG #that one does make more sense tho matt berninger loves to sing abt how bad he wants whoever he just broke up with #every album has at least one track with a line like that #listening to a lot of anyones ghost lately....#me when i have a hole in the middle where the lightning went through it told my friends not to worry....... been there girl #YOU SAID IT WAS NOT INSIDE MY HEART IT WAS!! YOU SAID IT SHOULD TEAR A KID APART IT DOES!! DIDNT WANNA BE YOUR GHOST!!#i havent listened to much of the national the past 2 weeks thats how u know i was Truly in mental anguish #now im back on listening to an album of theirs every morning i feel like myself again 😚#anywayyy.. sitting outside work in the sun enjoying my last fresh air for the next 8 hours.... they dont even let me out at lunch 😔#happy friday everyone we'll get thru today 💪💪💪💪#.diaries

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skunkes · 6 months ago

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getting into painting after a lifetime of drawing stupidly will have u searching shit like how to automatically and immediately learn lighting and rendering and shading and how to draw a room/perspective in 5 seconds or less like hurry up i have shit i want to draww

#talkys #BUT I CANTTTTTT idk how to draw 🫶#everyones just going to have to smile and grit their teeth and the 26 year old man being unable to conceptualize perspective #i have a cow al i want to paint.....#the thing is i dont even like rendering genuinely whenever i see a fully rendered digital piece im like this #would have looked better as just flats imo LOL i like blocky simple lighting but cant even do that #but i feel its weird to use paint and NOT fully use it for layering and rendering ykwim...#not saying it's bad if u dont bc again thats Me. i just feel like im not using it good enough if i dont

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louismygf · 2 years ago

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girls when they just finished watching aotv