#but also i just dont want them to ever call me a druggie to my face again lol that fucking stung

[storm-of-feathers]

u guys think my pharmacy will flag me for drug seeking behavior again if i call them right as they open and explain im pretty much nocturnal and id like them to refill my shit before noon bc thats about when im getting to sleep these days

[mbb-project-entity]

Chapter 9

Dr. Gibson finally slid the helmet off and I noticed that at some point my wife had stopped yelling. The doctor opened the next room door and walked in, and minutes later walked out followed by my wife, who was now calm and smiling. Kyubi now turned to Paige the youngest at 18 years old, just starting college and a true genius.

“Paige, you don’t like college, you hate learning, and you are not a genius since all you think about is sex. You cannot live without constant sex in your life and you want to be come a crack whore that just lies on a dirty mattress getting fucked by immigrant workers for a dirty pimp. You love the thought of becoming a dumb, druggie whore that will live short life of total drugged sex. This is the way you always wanted to live and you will ask me to find you a dirty pimp who will make your lifetime desire come true.” Kyubi smiled…and waited.

“OMG yes Kyubi, I love it, and can I tell you my deepest secret now?”

Kyubi answered “Sure honey”

“I want to leave college, I just hate it, and I hope you are not upset, but I prefer to go into the sex industry, its soooo amazing and I am horny all the time and crave sex so much. What do you think? Am I crazy?”

Kyubi smiled and answered, “No baby, I think that’s a wonderful idea and we can use all your savings for your operations, I also know of a local strip club managed by a really successful pimp, I think he can get you into the scene after you are physically ready. So, baby, embrace your new life and be proud of who you are.”

Then Julie turned to Kyubi and said “OMG, no, I dont wanna work in a club, I fantasize about being a dumb crack whore…that just lies in some dirty container on the Mexican border and fucks for a living. I know this is a dirty short life to live, but I want it soo much…”

Kyubi barely contained her giggles and said “Paige baby, no worries, I know just the man to help you reach that low life you dream of.”

Kyubi had called up her connection to a really sleazy pimp on the street and had arranged for Paige to be taken to a Mexican plastic surgery that would totally transform her body, with cock sucker lips, tits that never end and destroy her with drugs, turning her into a dumb crack whore in some shitty container being fucked by the low life and the poor just to keep them happy for shitty wage income jobs.

“Paige, you live to be degraded, you cannot imagine life other then being used as a crack whore and being the dumbest yet horniest bitch alive. The dumber you get, the hornier you get, the more crack and drugs you take the more lust you feel. You just live to be a cumm bucket and want to be fucked and used by the sleaziest and lowest. You will obey my every word and never question me, whatever I say you accept as your deepest truth, and all you desire is to obey me and follow my orders whenever I am around. If you ever have any doubts or feel confused, you will call me to get direction. If you are too dumb to call me you will ask your new pimp owner for me, and he will call me. Half an hour later a black car pulled up and four men walked up to the door. Kyubi opened the door and they walked in. Then Kyubi turned to Julie and said “Hey Jules, here is Tyrone, he is going to destroy your life, he will fuck up your brain with drugs and fuck up your body with over 50 fucks a day and all for free, you will just lie down and be used for the rest of your life. Now go and grovel at his feet and beg him to destroy you. Paige giggled too, and then grovelled at Tyrones feet begging to be turned into a crack whore. He smiled a vicious smile, and told her to get into the van, there were five men in the back waiting for fuck her. He already had a needle out and was jabbing her with crack. Along the Mexican border is a shanty town, and in the whore pit there lies the worn out body of Paige. She gets fucked on average 60 times a day, she is a cum hole, no brain, no thought, just flesh, a pussy hole and a drugged up mind that shattered a year ago.

[leossmoonn]

Play Ground Days

masterlist

pairing - carl gallagher x fem!reader

type - fluff

note / request - “ughh FINALLY someone that writes good imagines abt carl from shameless! could you write one where you two grew up together and you've always been close n stuff and then at some point he realizes he loves the reader and he talks to ian and lip (maybe mickey too bc i love him) about it? (fem!reader btw if that's cool) thanks babe xx” thanks for inspo on the beginning @poesflygirl​ <3 ,,, carl and you are 16 also pls dont come for me ive only played COD 2 times last year so lmao i dont remember a lot about it, enjoy!

summary - carl has liked you since you two were young, and seeks advice from his brothers and mickey

warnings - strong language, drugs and alcohol, little talk about bad body imagine 

————

*gif isnt mine*

“I fucking knew it!” Lip exclaimed.

“Why are you telling us? We’ve known this.” Ian commented, smirking at his little brother.  

“How the hell—” Carl started. 

“You’re not exactly great at hiding your crush on her,” Mickey chuckled. 

Carl’s eyes were the size of saucers. “You knew?”

“Of course I did. I’m not fucking Helen Keller,” Mickey rolled his eyes. 

Carl groaned and ran his hands roughly through his hair. “I can’t believe this. Well, secret’s out, I guess. What do I do?”

“Just go tell her you like her. It’s not like she’s going to turn you down.” Lip shrugged, putting his cigarette to his lips. 

“Lip!” Ian hit his brother’s shoulder. 

“What?” Lip asked. 

“You weren’t supposed to say that, dumbass,” Mickey said.

 “What does that mean?” Carl asked, looking in-between his brother’s and Mickey. 

Lip sighed. “Ah, shit, right. I’ve already said too much.”

————

4 hours earlier: 2:00 PM

“Hey, shit head!” She called out, throwing rocks against the window. 

Carl got up from his bed, shocked but happy to see her. He opened his window, leaning against the frame. 

“What’re you doing here?” He asked.

She threw the rocks to the ground. “Escaping from my druggie dad, duh. What’re you doing?”

“Nothing,” Carl shrugged. 

She did her signature smirk that always made Carl’s heart flutter. “Wanna go and stuff our faces at Patsy’s Pies?”

Carl’s eyes lit up at the mention of fatty, greasy food. “Hell yeah. I’ll come down.”

She nodded, going to the front of their house. Carl ran down the stairs, putting on his shoes and opening the door to find her on the steps. 

“Hey, why didn’t you just come into the house?” Carl asked, shutting the door behind him. 

“Putting damage on your window seemed more fun. Oh, hey! Do you have an extra bed I can sleep in tonight?” She asked. 

Carl nodded. “Yeah, of course. Your dad is that bad, huh?”

“Yep, he relapsed. Super fun,” she laughed sarcastically. 

“I’m sorry. That shit sucks,” Carl said.

She shrugged. “Yeah, well, it’s life. Anyways, ready to go?”

Carl nodded. They got into her car, the girl starting it and driving fast to the dinner. As she was driving, humming to the songs on the radio, Carl stared at her. She was absolutely gorgeous. 

Her name was Y/n L/n. Carl’s oldest and only real friend. They had grown up together, Y/n living only a few houses away from him. They had met in detention in 1st grade and had been close ever since. 

“What’re you staring at?” Y/n asked, glancing over to him. 

Carl blushed. “Nothing.”

“Alright,” Y/n sang.

Carl had often been caught staring at her. It was something he usually did from time to time, but now it was more often. He couldn’t help it. There was something about her. Maybe flawless her skin was, how pretty and bright her smile and eyes were, the way she would make him feel secure and loved, something he had never got from anyone consitently. 

He never really knew why he thought those things about her. People had told him that he probably had a crush on her, but he knew that wasn’t right. He had crushes on girls before and the things he was feeling for Y/n were a lot different than what he had felt for his past girlfriends. He figured it was just that she was his closest friend and he happened to be a horny teenager, so naturally, he just thought those things about her. But oh, how wrong he actually was. 

Y/n parked her car at Patsy’s Pies. They walked into the diner, seeing Fiona at the register. 

“Hey, Fi,” Y/n smiled. 

“Hey, Y/n, Carl! Long time, no see. How are ya?” Fiona asked. 

“Good, good,” Y/n smiled. 

“Good,” Carl said. 

“Great! Well, get yourself seated and someone will be right with you,” she smiled. 

Y/n and walked off to a small booth and sat down. They picked up the menus that were already on the table. 

“You gonna get your usual?” Y/n asked. 

Carl shrugged. “Maybe. Should I change it up?”

“Yes. The double bacon cheeseburger looks good,” Y/n said. 

“Are you getting that?” Carl asked. 

“Maybe. I’ll probably get a salad or something. Gotta watch those calories, you know?” She half-joked, putting a hand on her stomach. 

“I think you look good. You don’t need to worry,” Carl smiled. 

Y/n’s eyes widened. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Carl nodded. 

Y/n looked back at the menu, hiding her embarrassment.

Carl complimenting her was something that was rare, but did happen. Y/n never remembered Carl as a romantic type of guy, but it seems that he had developed  those traits from having a few girlfriends. She liked that, actually. She liked him complimenting her, staring at her for minutes at a time, the way his ears would turn red when she teased him. She liked all of that. 

Y/n would never admit it to anyone, but she had a crush on Carl. She had a crush on him since their freshman year of high school. Well, in reality, she probably has always had one, but the first time she really realised she liked him was in biology when he got in trouble in one of the labs. She remembered when the teacher was yelling at him and he looked at her, smiling at her mischievously and winking at her. That wink had her heart racing and mind go foggy. From then on, she had liked him as more than a friend. Yet, she never said anything because well, as cliche as it was, she was afraid of ruining their friendship. He was really the only one who got her and who never abandoned her. She couldn’t lose him, so she just kept her feelings and gestures to him as friendly as she could.  

“Hi, I’m Carly and I’ll be serving you today. What can I get you today?” The waitress asked. 

“Hi, can I get the philly cheesesteak with a medium coke and fries,” Carl ordered. 

Carly nodded and wrote his order down, turning to Y/n. 

“Um, I’ll get the bacon cheeseburger with a small sprite and fries. Thanks,” Y/n ordered. 

Carly took their menus. “Great. I’ll have your drinks out soon.”

Y/n and Carl smiled at the waitress as she walked away. 

“Hey, so I thought your dad was in rehab,” Carl said. 

Y/n sighed. “He was, but I guess his girlfriend got him drunk, then convinced him to do some lines. God, I can’t believe he's even with her still.”

Carl frowned. “What about your mom? Where’s she?”

“She’s going to nursing school right now. She’s the only one responsible in this family, yet she never calls or anything,” she scoffed.

“You’re really responsible,” Carl said. 

Y/n smiled. “Thanks, C. You are, too.”

Carl laughed, “Me? I sold drugs on the streets once.”

She giggled. “True. But you’ve really shaped. I'm proud.”

Carl smiled sheepishly. “Thanks.”

Y/n hummed a ‘you’re welcome’. Carly came back with their food quickly and they dug in. Carl and Y/n spent their time talking and eating, spending about 2 hours there as they just kept talking. 

“Are you two finished?” Carly asked, gesturing to their empty plates. 

“Yeah,” Carl nodded. 

“Great. Here’s your bill, pay whenever you’re ready,” Carly smiled and took their dirty dishes. 

“Ready to go?” Y/n asked. 

Carl nodded and got out his wallet that he had in his shorts. Meanwhile, Y/n also got out her wallet. They both looked up at each other, awkward expressions on their faces. 

“Oh, I was gonna pay,” Carl said. “No, no, my treat. I invited you here,” Y/n said. 

“You sure?” Carl asked. 

She smiled and put a hand on his arm. “Yes, I am, Carl.”

Butterflies irrupted in Carl’s stomach as she touched him. He nodded slowly, putting his credit card away. Y/n and him walked up to the register and paid for their meal. They then went back to Y/n car. 

“What do you wanna do now?” Y/n asked. 

“Wanna play COD Black Ops 3?” Carl asked. 

“Yes!” Y/n smiled. She drove them back to his house, parking haphazardly on the street. 

The two hurried into the house, grabbing a seat on the couch. Carl got the controllers, turning onto the playstation. Y/n logged onto her account, selecting the gun she wanted to use. Carl then started the game. 

“Where are you?” Y/n squinted her eyes at the screen. 

“Right behind you,” Carl smirked. 

Y/n turned around, gasping as Carl shot her. 

“Fuck you!” Y/n exclaimed. 

“Little rusty, huh?” Carl teased. She rolled her eyes. “I’m gonna kill you next round.”

“I’d like to see you try,” Carl said. 

“Winner gets to pick what’s for dinner,” Y/n said. 

“Deal,” Carl nodded. 

The pair played for a couple hours, the game ending with Y/n getting the last kill. 

“Good game,” she smirked, setting the controller down. 

“I forgot how good you were at this,” Carl frowned. Y/n giggled, “I forgot how bad you were.”

Carl rolled his eyes with a smile. “Alright, where do you want to eat?”

“Hm… Noodles n Company?” She suggested. 

“Sure,” Carl nodded. 

“Alright, I’m gonna use the bathroom and then order. Text me what you want,” Y/n said, getting up from the couch. 

Carl nodded and watched her go upstairs to use the bathroom. Then that’s when Lip, Ian, and Mickey all came into the house. 

“Hey, guys,” Carl said. 

“Hey,” Ian smiled. 

“Is Y/n here? We saw her car out front,” Lip said. “Yeah, she is,” Carl nodded. 

“Asked her out yet?” Lip smirked. Carl’s face turned red. “Wh-What?”

“Oh, you’re not in love with her then?” Ian furrowed his brows. 

“I… am I?” Carl asked. 

Ian chuckled. “Yeah. You always are always happy around her, blush whenever she teases you.”

“And you’re always staring at her,” Lip added.

“That doesn’t mean I like her,” Carl said.

“Do feel dizzy and nauseous when she touches you? Does your heart race when she gets close? Do you see yourself kissing her? Would you do anything for her?” Ian asked. 

Carl furrowed his brows. They were right, all those things did happen when she was near. She was his best friend. He also sometimes think about kissing her and being with her in a romantic way. And yeah, of course he would do anything for her. Maybe… Maybe he did love her. 

“Oh, shit,” he muttered. “I… I guess I am in love with her.”

And that, ladies and gents, is where we left off. Lip, Ian, and Mickey teased Carl until Carl begged them for real help. 

“What do you mean?” Carl asked anxiously. 

Lip looked to Ian and Mickey for help on what to say. Little did Carl know, Y/n actually did admit her crush to someone. And that someone, or someones, were Lip, Ian, and Mickey. 

“Don’t worry about it, man,” Mickey said. 

“Did she say something to you?” Carl asked. “No,” Ian shook his head. “Like Mick said, don’t worry.”

“I… fine. Well, what do I do then?” Carl asked in slight distress.

“Give her some flowers and chocolate. Girls love that shit,” Lip suggested. 

“Alright,” Carl nodded. “I don’t know what her favourite flowers are, though.”

“Just get her roses. That’s really romantic,” Lip said. 

Carl smiled, “Alright. Awesome. Thanks, guys.”

He decided to get the flowers early morning tomorrow before Y/n woke up. 

————

Carl sneaked back into the house, hoping not to wake Y/n up. As he walked into the kitchen, he was shocked to see her at the table drinking coffee. 

“Hey, Carl!” Y/n smiled. 

Carl’s eyes were blown wide. “I.. uh…”

“Who are those for?” Y/n got up and pointed to the flowers and chocolate in his hand. 

“Um… you?” Carl said. Y/n smiled. “Me? What did I do to deserve this?”

Carl knew that he couldn’t make up an excuse. He was horrible at lying to her. So, he decided to just have his confession here. 

“I.. I’m in love with you,” Carl said. Y/n’s jaw dropped and she froze. “Wha-What?”

“My brothers and Mickey helped me realise I was yesterday when you were ordering dinner. They told me I should get you flowers and stuff so I did. I hope you like roses,” Carl explained and held up the gifts. 

Y/n’s lips upturned in a wide smile. “How long have you liked me?”

“Honestly, probably since we were little,” Carl shrugged sheepishly. 

Y/n giggled. “Me, too.”

“Really?” Carl smiled. 

Y/n waked up to him and took the gifts, setting them on the kitchen counter. She went up to him and put her arms around his neck. 

“Yep. I always have,” she grinned. 

“Oh, sick!” Carl exclaimed. “Oh wait.”

“What?” Y/n asked in confusion. 

“That’s what they meant!” Carl exclaimed in realisation.

“Who? What?” “Oh, Lip, Mickey, and Ian kind of told me yesterday when I asked for help,” Carl explained. 

Y/n’s eyes widened and she turned to the stairs, glaring. “Mickey, Lip, Ian! You better fucking run!”  

————

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taglist (crossed out means i couldnt tag)

@kaitieskidmore1 @the-anxious-youth @little-miss-naill @powerpuffluuvv

[angrykpoprants]

Im tired of this misinformation being spread around. 

*DISCLAIMER* I AM IN NO WAY TELLING PEOPLE TO DO DRUGS, NOR AM I ENCOURAGING, I AM JUST STATING WHAT I KNOW FROM RESEARCH. IF I AM WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING, DON'T SEND HATE JUST LET ME KNOW AND I WILL FIX IT 

From what I remember was hanbin was toying with the idea of buying LSD and attempting to buy drugs is technically not illegal. He allegedly admitted to smoking weed once, which isn't going to turn him into a drug addict, or a bad person. The police also still haven't found enough solid proof yet 

What I dont like is when you call all YG artist “druggies” or “drug addicts” because with the drug of choice that they have been accused of, their not. The body can’t become addicted to weed, because addiction to substances is when the body exhibits withdraw symptoms, however you can be dependant on weed. You can not overdose on marijuana, there is technically a limit but it’s impossible to even reach that, you would have to smoke 1,500 pounds (680kg) to overdose. The side effects are the same as alcohol. 

I know marijuana is illegal in korea, and im not trying to change anything but i'm tired of the misinformation about the substance and hanbin's case floating around.  

What I dont like there is a particular fandom that loves to chase after YG artist and call them “druggies and pot heads”, yet they want their idols to move and be in the Center of LA, where marijuana is recreational, and easily available.  They also love to joke around when ever they are drunk and the encourage their idols to keep getting drunk when its very easy to become addicted to alcohol and die from alcohol poisoning... also, id like to add that when I was on my way to the orthodontist once, I say them on an ad for spotify right next to a ad for LA’s largest dispensary and the marijuana museum.  

I also don't understand the big talk about YG in cahoots with the police when Han Seo Hee is on probation, they don't care whether or not she shows up to the questionings and they are letting her have vacations outside of the country... which I feel is just as or even more shady 

[zephyrvos]

Claudia, Leena, Five, and Elle for the ask game? :)

under a readmore because this is bound to get long:

Claudia:

Why I like them: badass nerd girl, tragic backstory, young and hip and relatable. she’s super smart but has been through some shit and therefore hasn’t been able to ‘reach her full potential’ or whatever. also her fashion sense and that it’s Allison

Why I don’t: not canonically queer when dear god she should be. also gets mad at Leena for actions that were not Leena’s fault

Favorite episode (scene if movie): from the two seasons I’ve seen so far - Claudia, of course

Favorite season/movie: season 2? she’s more accepted into the gang

Favorite line: this is hard because I’m not caught up. possibly “He was a genius, and he put his life on hold for me. Damn it Artie, I owe him.” but honestly I’m forgetting something fabulous

Favorite outfit: I truly cannot pick. She always dresses fucking amazing. That’s like asking me to pick a favorite Kenzi outfit.

OTP: Cleena, ofc

Brotp: Honestly, equally fond of her with Myka and with Pete. Chances are both will be beat when Jinks shows up

Head Canon: she still deals with a lot of internalized shit from when she thought she was crazy, and a lot of that makes her not want to have kids of her own, because she doesn’t want to pass on the crazy. also, she crawls into Myka’s room after nightmares frequently

Unpopular opinion: Claudia/Fargo is cute?

A wish: let her date girls

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: no more messing with her mind, and no hurting Joshua

5 words to best describe them: Brilliant, Sassy, Young, Silly, Loyal

My nickname for them: Claud

Leena:

Why I like them: total sweetheart, heart too big for this world, emotional caretaker to the warehouse fam

Why I don’t: doesn’t get fleshed out beyond ‘emotional caretaker’ and she deserved to be more than that

Favorite episode (scene if movie): honestly, no idea yet. the one post-MacPherson where she and Claudia try to work through it?

Favorite season/movie: season 2?

Favorite line: no idea, sadly. none are coming to mind :( 

Favorite outfit: honestly, her style is not my thing. when she wears the pretty white dress with flowers?

OTP: Cleena

Brotp: her & Frederick

Head Canon: she came up in the foster system too. she had really great foster parents, and was incredibly loved, but it’s why she doesn’t go by a last name

Unpopular opinion: she was too young to be forced into the mother role the series made her?

A wish: that the thing that will not be named didn’t happen?

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: >:(

5 words to best describe them: Kind, Loving, Warm, Nurturing, Steady

My nickname for them: none? I could see Claudia calling her ‘Lee’

Five:

Why I like them: another badass nerd kid. cool hair. sassy and spunky and who is super autistic and like to hide in vents and is a master with tech

Why I don’t: terrible taste in men. also deserved more seasons

Favorite episode (scene if movie): uh, no idea. haven’t rewatched. possibly the one where they fought a gynoid?

Favorite season/movie: also no idea. probably 1? she was very team kid there

Favorite line: a speech in defense of their Android? how she’s perfect the way she is, and how dare android dude try to change her

Favorite outfit: her cute jacket and bigass gun

OTP: I don’t ship her with anyone on the show? maybe a crossover of Five x Claudia

Brotp: her and Andy, but also her and Two

Head Canon: has inventend and/or upgraded tech while stressed, just from fiddling with it and her subconscious figuring it out. also movie nights with the girls, and Nyx joining

Unpopular opinion: she’s underage, so shipping her with druggie medic dude is a bad idea

A wish: more seasons. more of her

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: honestly? no romo, she’s too small

5 words to best describe them: Young, Techie, Stimmy, Nerd, Spunky

My nickname for them: none?

Elle Greenaway:

Why I like them: fierce and defensive, she’s had to fight so hard to prove herself in this world, and she is so kind and gentle when victims need that compassion

Why I don’t: the show did the thing where it writes her off and never mentions her again, which is bs. also doesn’t make sense for her to totally quit? would make more sense for a transfer or a time off or, I don’t know but not that

Favorite episode (scene if movie): I want to say 2x01? Shot and in that limbo state talking to her father and giving me lots of emotions

Favorite season/movie: lol, s1 since that’s all she was there for all of

Favorite line: ‘the men I hunt are cowards’ or the other one like that, or “Because she’s surrounded by men.” or her heartbreaking delivery of “Here’s to winning.”

Favorite outfit: her brown leather jacket is great, but I gotta go with the red outfit she wears when they go to Mexico

OTP: Elle/JJ is still some good ship

Brotp: Elle & Derek, though Elle & Spencer is wonderful too

Head Canon: still fond of my headcanon where she works at a women’s shelter, keeps in touch with Derek, and the team eventually ends up led to her shelter and they reconnect

Unpopular opinion: I mean, there are idiots who want to characterize her as harsh and angry? that was the trauma and they’re wrong

A wish: more Elle. Lola’s clearly back in Hollywood. bring her back

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: don’t bring her back just to kill her. don’t kill her off screen. don’t bring her up just to badmouth her

5 words to best describe them: Fierce, Feminist, Passionate, Compassionate, Impulsive?

My nickname for them: none? just Elle

[jheaton416]

Ace and Sep’s Greatest Hits

With Sad Hands and heavy hearts we bid farewell to Ace and Sep's Buffy recaps...  

"I get it now. The Slayer thing really isn't about the violence. It's about the power. And there's no one in the world who has the power to stop me now." Just then the Hubris Police step in in the form of Rupert Giles and throw a bolt of green energy at Willow, knocking her clear across the room. "I'd like to test that theory," says Giles, all tall and authoritative. Oh, Giles! Hi! I missed you so much this season! We have so much catching up to do! Let's see. I just finished my finals, and I think I did rather well. And I met a very nice boy who just happens to live in England, so when I'm over there this summer, if you wanna hang out or something just let me know. I gotta hand this over to Ace now, but... call me!

Sep, "Two to Go"

Sep: So there I was. At Trader Joe's, and boom. No Booty to be had. And you know my dedication to all things snack.  Ace: I feel your pain. The other night I was at TJ's and they had all these different kinds of Booty from Fruit Booty to Vegetable Booty, but not the Booty that I wanted.  Sep: Yargh. That blows.  Ace: Snerk. So anyway. Ash asked me if I wanted to get one of the other varieties, but I just felt that if I couldn't have the Booty that I wanted, it was better to have no Booty at all.  Sep: Dude. That's deep. And also would have saved me much pain and humiliation in my early twenties.  

There are tiny colonies of single-celled life at the bottom of deep fissures in the sea using their cilia to tell each other, "Buffy used Spike." Can we please move on?

Sep, "Never Leave Me"  

Ecch, I hear a noise like forty cats being squeezed too hard around their middles. Turns out it's Cordelia singing "The Greatest Love of All."

- Ace, "The Puppet Show"  

i dont have time to read all theze post but did u hear what happens in the finale? every vamp and demon that buffy has ever kiled is rezrected and they all sing at spike and angles WEDDING!!!! OMG!!! laterz Sep (Go on. Ban me. I dare you.)

Sep, in the forums  

Aw, Willow is wearing shorts and showing more Willow-leg than I believe we've ever seen. What a cutie. ... Giles finally pipes up that he's sorry he missed the encounter, but he actually sounds like he's sorry these damn kids won't leave him alone so he can pour himself a nice single-malt Scotch and watch that Letty The Lusty Librarian tape he has hidden in his nightstand. ... Dracula wears a sweater vest? Well, I guess that answers the age-old question: "What does Dracula wear under his cape?" Or was that Scotsmen? Who does he think he is anyway, Chandler Bing? ... I would like to point out that Spacky is wearing more eye makeup than the entire female cast combined.

Ace, "Buffy vs. Dracula"  

Credits. Who does James Marsters have to sleep with to be billed before Michelle Trachtenberg and Emma Caulfield? Ooh! Please let it be me. C'mon, if y'all give me James I won't ask for anything else for my birthday or Christmas. What? It worked when I was ten. ... Look! Xander is using a skill! Effectively! As he's building shelves for Giles, I notice that he's attired in jeans and a plain long-sleeved shirt. It looks like after his other half fell into the Gap, he managed to climb out with a basic grasp on the matching theory.

Sep, "Out of My Mind"  

I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I love the 'Bot; I really, really do. She's so cute and happy and chirpy and I just know reanimated Buffy is going to be an angst-y pained ball of angst just like she was all last season, and sometimes I wish we could just replace her with the robot permanently. Especially if she keeps making jokes about marzipan.

Ace, "Bargaining I"  

Damn, Marc Blucas makes James Marsters look like a tiny, tiny man. After last week's showcase it's sad, but also amusing, to see Spike reduced to an elfin laundry-stalker.

Sep, "Shadow"  

WARNING: Contents may have shifted during shipping. Oops, that's the wrong warning. The warning is this: This recap contains opinions.

Ace, "Tabula Rasa"  

Evil Dead eh? I'm just going to take that as a shout-out to me and my Evil Dead t-shirt that I ordered out of the Fangoria (shut up) catalog twelve years ago and have been wearing consistently ever since. David Fury must have seen me in it or something. ... Buffy notices Ben sitting somewhere else and goes over to talk to him. Oh GREAT. You know how, whenever there's an outbreak of some sort of nasty infectious disease, during the news reports they often retrace the path of the virus on a map? Well, that's what my mind is doing with Ben right about now. First I only had to live in fear during the hospital scenes. But then he leached into the hospital parking lot. And now that he's just showing up at the Bronze all willy-nilly, he could just ooze on down the road anywhere his little slime trail will take him. Curses. Greasy Intern Ben is spreading. I wonder what his vector of infection is?

Sep, "Crush"  

Tough Love - Or, "The Unedited Buffy You Never Wanted To See." Buffy routes paperwork. Buffy repairs an appliance. Buffy folds laundry. Buffy goes to a parent-teacher conference. Dawn does homework. Dawn does homework some more. Glory practices personal hygiene. The recapper props her eyelids open with spork tines. To spice things up a little, Giles goes all Ripper, Tara goes all Forrest Gump, and Willow goes all Fairuza Balk. The recapper falls asleep and drools on her cat.

Ace, "Tough Love" recaplet  

Spike stumbles, bloody, bruised, and wild-eyed, down the hall to the elevator, and if I weren't a fan of this show and were just flipping by I might think it was a clip from a Behind the Music on Billy Idol.

Sep, "Intervention"  

...Marci needs to find "the key."  ...Darcy or Shannon or whatever her name is  ...Sheila or Lisa or whoever 

Sep describing Glory before her name was revealed, "Family"  

...the guy, who I've decided to call Gee Dub McChoad for no reason whatsoever...

Sep describing Tara's brother, "Family"  

Willow screams, 'Noooooooo,' and a rippling force shoots out of her mouth and zaps Osiris, who vanishes. Oh, the heartbreak of halitosis!

Ace, "Villains"  

My roommate brought home a big pile of Marshmallow Peeps from a post-Easter sale. I took one look at them and screeched, "Peeps show!" before grabbing one, winging it into the microwave, and making "Bamp-chicka-bow-wow" noises while watching the Peep swell and undulate in the microwave. Try it. It's fun. Also, I have in my notes from the first airing of this episode, "Dawn no like monkey-brain marshmallows." I think I'll just leave that in. You'll either find it as amusing as I do or marvel at my illiteracy.

Sep, "Conversations With Dead People"  

Willow incants more at the effigy (who looks like she's ready for a doctor to check her tonsils) and then sends green energy blobs shooting out of her breasts towards Santa's Phallus. It's a lesbian thing -- you wouldn't understand.

Ace, "Grave"  

Cut to Xander chaining Spike up in the basement of Casa Summers. Dawn, Buffy, Wood, Giles, Willow, the UN Security council, three random passersby, and a small hedgehog are all in attendance. Okay, not really, but seriously. The number of people present for this is way unnecessary. Giles, Willow and Buffy will perform the spell. Xander, Dawn and Wood will distribute small snacks and throw Jujubes at Spike's head. ... Spike's mum tells him that he "needs a woman in [his] life." He replies that he does have a woman in his life. She is momentarily taken in, but then realizes that William has some really serious Oedipal issues. Victorian etiquette dictates that it would be in poor taste to mention this, so she pretends to be flattered. He promises to always look after her, but she has a coughing fit, hoping to die and escape her creepy son. Knowing that Spike's women-paragon obsession thing in which he defines himself and his moral center by the dominant female figure in his life started back when Spike was human, and has continued until the present day, really makes me realize how pathetic a creature he truly is. You'd think that after the first hundred years he might have self-actualized or something.

Sep, "Lies My Parents Told Me"  

Let me amend that. It's a long, thick, snake-like demon with a head shaped just like a penis, that squeals at Buffy and then sprays liquid out of its mouth and onto her. Just think about that for a minute.

Ace, "Doublemeat Palace"  

At the Pub the Chuckleheads are sitting around a table strewn with empty beer pitchers, randomly slapping and picking nits off of each other. One of them is trying to remove his shirt but gets his head stuck in it. I can sympathize with him. I've done that -- sober.

Sep, "Beer Bad"  

Rack is creepy. Then about ten more anvils crash into my room, followed by a minor deluge of cow pies as we launch into a trippy-druggy sequence the likes of which has not been seen since The Trip and Psych-Out.

Ace, "Wrecked"  

Willow is wearing what Ace called a poncho, but I think looks more like a tube with no armholes. If anyone remembers the commercial for the plastic device that enabled you to turn a crank and produce miles upon miles of useful and fashionable yarn tubing, well, it looks like that. Either that, or Willow took up knitting but hasn't figured out the secret to sleeves yet. Patrolling against vampires and other night-haunting demons with your arms bound to your sides by an acrylic strait-jacket doesn't seem like a wise move, but what do I know about fashion? Oh, that's right -- a lot more than Willow, obviously.

Sep, "Something Blue"  

Suddenly, my TV screen fills up with a bunch of monkeys, all dressed up in platform sandals, cunning frocks, feather boas, and mascara. They form a menacing circle around Dawn. I think they're all guy monkeys, but y'know, it's a little hard to tell with the simians.

Ace, "Potential"  

It's Cruella D'Will. Heh. That's why she flayed Warren last week. She's making a coat out of him. Man, how much cooler would this episode be if Willow pranced around singing, 'See my vest! See my vest! It was once Warren's chest!' ... This is a test of the Emergency Snorecast System. Everything operational.

Sep, "Two to Go"  

Sunny Valley, Arizona Ace, a beautiful, brainy, and brilliant recapper for TWoP, that world-famous website and recipient of three Nobel Prizes for Internet Criticism, piloted her pink bubble-shaped hovercraft to the landing strip on the roof of her lux penthouse apartment. Slim and clad entirely in her everyday garb of form-fitting leather, she headed quickly to her Operations Control room, stopping only to scratch the chin of her almost-sentient leopard, Francesca. "Follow me, little one," Ace purred to her feline companion, "for tonight we view a new Buffy!" In Operations Control, Ace flung her shapely form onto the low designer sofa and thumbed the remote to her wall-sized liquid television. As the episode progressed, Francesca began to pace the room in agitation, for she had never before seen her merry human companion in such distress. Ace's perfectly manicured nails caressed her flawless face as she murmured, "How will I recap an episode so sorely lacking in plot? An episode that consists mostly of Andrew's fantasies and stolen videotaped vignettes of the Scooby gang? Without a narrative structure to follow, at what point should I mention the disturbing basement sex of the un-reunited Xander and Anya, or the empty and unsatisfying riot occurring at Sunnydale High?" Finally, Ace knelt, and attractively wept into the silken tawny fur of Francesca, "I face my greatest challenge ever! Just as the tears of repentant Andrew closed the Seal of Danzig in the school basement forever, so do my hot tears of rage seal my unrepentant loathing of this season!" Los Angeles, CA The evil genius Jane Espenson cackled evilly as she polished her six-inch chrome stilettos and flipped her shiny titian hair. Whirling menacingly in her secret headquarters beneath Reseda, she flipped open her tiny red Mobicom and hit speed-dial. Upon hearing a voice on the other end of the line, Jane leered and snapped out, "Hello, Joss? I think we've broken Ace already. The tears are the beginning of the end. That'll teach her to complain about Andrew's poor grasp on reality!"

Ace, "Storyteller" recaplet  

The Knights are gonna get the Key, toniiiight! The Scoobies drive a big RV, toniiiight! This year, the minutes seemed like hours The arc progressed so slowly And still no end in siiiight!

Sep, "Spiral" recaplet  

Xander gets snide about what a "simple" decision this must be for Buffy and then leaps up, snarling, "You know, if there's a mass-murdering demon that you're, oh, say, boning, then it's all gray area." Hee -- go Xander! I'm not really taking sides in this argument because I think both Buffy and Xander are both right and wrong here, but I really think it needed to be said that Buffy totally put aside all her Slayer standards in order ride Spike's man-pole, and she's never really admitted that to or faced it as far as I can tell. She's mumbled about how it was bad for her, but never seemed to realize what a betrayal of her calling it was. Buffy wins The Lame Comeback Of The Century Award when her only reply is that Spike is "harmless." Harmless except for the whole part where he could and did harm you, Buffy. Nice self-preservation instincts there, honey. Let's kill Anya because she could hurt men. Let's not kill Spike because he can only hurt Buffy. Uh, where was I?

Ace, "Selfless"  

This whole Spike with Buffy thing? My fault. When Angel was on the show, I hated every second of him and his dazed "you can tell I have a soul because I look like I just walked into a tree" method of acting. (Angelus was a different story. A cooler story that didn't spend so much time whining and moping.) Then, when he left, it was like light pouring in through the heavens. I was excited. Happy. I had a new lease on life. I thought, "No matter what, Buffy's next boyfriend won't be so bad." Enter Riley. Riley with his potato nose, thinly-veiled chauvinism, and women issues. And so it was, until it came to pass that Riley endeth. And lo! Happiness reigned far and wide across the land (defined as my apartment), there was much rejoicing, and it was good. Again, I foolishly allowed myself to be confident that this had been the worst. Surely Buffy's next boyfriend...

Sep, "Two to Go"  

ASH is really giving a killer performance here. I wonder how many takes it took for him to stop laughing. His singing sounds very soulful and I'm convinced it's his own voice, just very badly synched. Maybe the sound crew had to work overtime on all the Buffy/Riley moaning and ran out of time for the important things. Bad prioritization, guys. For a whole week following this episode, my poor cat is tortured by me following her around the house and bellowing, "No ooooone knows what it's liiiiike/Toooooo be the baaaad cat/Tooooo be the saaaad cat/Behind blue eeeeeyeees." I swear, one of these days she's going to lose her patience, pack her little kitty suitcase and leave. Well, at least I don't make her watch The Others with me anymore.

Ace, "Where the Wild Things Are"  

Luke is chanting, "The Sleeper will wake and the world will bleed. Amen!" Because vampires are such religious creatures. Don't you remember that one heartwarming episode they had when they showed them all going to church? Sure, they wanted to eat the rest of the congregation, but as long as they're worshipping in Glen Oak with the Camdens I really don't have a problem with that.

Sep, "Welcome to the Hellmouth"  

D'Hoffryn introduced himself, and Aud replies, "I am Aud." Hee. That's a funny pun. You know that saying that goes, "Puns are the lowest form of humor"? That always confused me. I mean, I wondered who decided that, and what the highest form of humor was, and why the phrase always seemed to be uttered only by the very humorless, who wouldn't seem qualified to judge. Anyway, this is 2002, and the saying is obviously obsolete. It comes from an older era. An era before the fart joke. Fart jokes are quite clearly the lowest form of humor, and I suggest that we petition the correct powers that be to have the saying updated for modern times. ["The lowest, and yet consistently the most reliable. Hee. Farts." -- Sars]

Ace, "Selfless"  

Willow and Buffy walk up the steps to school, and Xander catches up with them. I'm sorry that I can't recap their conversation, but I'm sure you'll understand once I tell you about Xander's red and moldy green-gray sweater paired with brown and yellow plaid pants. As if that combination wasn't horrific enough on its own, Willow is wearing an orange and yellow striped fleece shirt. It's at times like this that I wish I were blind -- just like the wardrobe people.

Sep, "Passion"  

Ace: "I don't know why Buffy was all surprised when Spike tried to kiss her. That's what you do at the end of a date and drinking, dinner, and pool all add up to a date." Sep: "It totally was a date. My last date ended exactly the same way. Someone threw a wad of cash at someone else, the words, 'You're beneath me' were uttered, and one of us was left crying alone in an alley." Ace: "You've got to be kidding me." Sep: "Actually I am. My last date ended with me threatening my beau with a spork."

Ace and Sep, "Fool for Love"  

[hurricanetortilla5ever-blog]

so we had a lil fight again , and it seems very repetitive because again its about the same thing , how i expect tsoething and m hurt and hes like im doing my best . idk man  which i think like , this should be the last straw like we need to get out shit straight if not theres no point beig together in  toxic relationship

i dont even wnna talk about the first time cause its all windy nd so much shit so  ok

  1. our first fight i was like expecting him to be sweet and not numb and i wanted more dates , which technically wasnt hard at all, his reasons were like he does to his capabilities etc what not , broke etc . and i kinda took that so im like ok maybe like hes a one nice trip or something in a long time , then  100 days was nice , no complains but we didnt really drink much , i guesss cause he felt pressured cause he was paying so much , but i means hes told me stories of him being i bars cocktails over cocktails , but its a small thing so i didnt really bug much . anyways we talked about it and hes like yeah im not a super sweet guy , but then he said he expressed love more with his ex , so its a bit unfair ? idk i wish he loved me as much to do so , but its not under my control 

so i feel like yeah , i accept , i accompany this love , even though i want compassionate , obsessive love , not childish , but respectful but agressive , but he is sweet to me and i know , to his extent , that he loves me , and the fact that i love him , makes all these needs diminish . i thought then maybe i had too high expectations for him , like for my birthday , 100 days , the compliments , the expression of love , some guys are good with that , i think austin hyped me so much in the past , i only now know my worth  , andnot settle for shitty men .

but like at the back of my head , theres the little things , then after this fight 

2. i felt hurt that he didnt tell me about them smoking up , and he says its cause it didnt cross his mind , but honestly , i think thats a big lie , cause i was acting up because of my depression yesterday and he was all , you feeling sad ? and didnt bother to be honest with me . and i saw his schoked look when jaydon said weed . like he got caught or something . it was kinda embarassing that i didnt know and jaydon felt like he probably failed a bro , but im not one to humiliate  so i acted like nothing happened , even tho i was pissed , also like becausse of this i felt as tho that he only did it with them cause he prefers these things with them , like we dont just randomly drin or smoke together like syaz and d , or llay all , like everytime iasked he said no and made me feel like a gross druggie thats like forcing him to do it , and honestly  , when youre smoking up you dont wanna get high with a whiny bitch thats complaining , how to enjoy  ? thats why i didnt wanna smoke with him anyways , i thought he hated it , cause everytime i asked he said no  , i wish we could just sit home and get drunk and fuck all night and talk about the universe but it seems like he only initiates to do these things with his friends , well minus the fucking thing , and like he went to tze kens house for his bday and i thought he was gonna come here , cause he told me that story and i was stupid to expect as such thats why i got drunk and sad and burnt myself with my hair curler . but idk he had another “reason” for that too i guess . then a nunch of things came up like , he goes out of his way , stays up gets drunk , gets high with his friends , while im here being his mum studying with him and making sure hes home early so he doesnt die . i just wished there was that much spontaneous shit with us , instead we get spontaneous fights , without the makeup sex too . so theres all these small thngs that just add up to him covincidentally treating his firiends with more regards than me , and his argument is that i dont appriciate the good things , like damn i do , but is it bad i want more ? is it bad i want the same thngs ur friends is having ? hurts mf , really hurts , anyways i feel like im just hurting myself , expecting him to get me the same shit as his friends ,  we ended it but like i dont know where i stand , we left the conversation ending that  hes not gonna change , he loves me but he wont go out of his way to show it , hell show it to his capability , idek what that means . like , our first bad fight , he was capable of coming early to talk , but instead he had sukiya with sohan and tze ken while i basically starved for 2 days , waiting like a dumbass . i think its time i just , expanded and made more friends , maybe hang out with monica more , cause like im so clingy and im like begging for his attention , i hate it . then when im pissed and numb , thats the only time he responds , thats the only time he reahes for my hand in the car when i dont do it first , thats the time he actually says i  love you first , cause its always me doing these things , and im so tired man , i feel like i an only adapt until im sick of him , til i hate him ,i dont want that to happen , 

i think maybe i gotta see  how things goes , its sad cause , i thought , this was the onerelationship to last , the one where people call us mum and dad for fun , we’re cute and a perfect match , or are we ? i dont wanna expect but having said that  i shouldnt settle for less than the love i need , cause thats also settling for less , i just wished hed do more ,  a lil more effort , a lil more i love yous , and i need to back off , i swear , i need to chill and stop being clingy , but at least im not (not caring) about him and cheating on him , i hope that the fact that  i didnt cheat on him is not the only better attribute i have than tracy , i stoped stalking but you know .. he said it himself , its the best love hes ever felt , hes so caught up with being matured . maybe im too childish for him . its sad , im hurting myself again, honestly  these overthinking things has been messing with my head and i think i have a bit of my depression again , and because of the lack of love , it fucked with my self confidence more . i am fucked up in the head . my heart hurts , i love him but if i know that he doesnt feel the way i do , its always gonna be one sided 

[imlovedandalive-blog1]

First Journal Entry.

I wrote this today but on another platform. Just making this to keep track of my life.Just going to paste it here.

“   I want to leave some sort of trail to look back on in a few years. Ill just sum up the last few years. From 2014-now 2018. In 8th grade I really started to make lifelong friends. It was one of my favorite years of school with Ms. Cooper as my ela teacher. My friend Diego also became one of my best that year and he still is. Same with Bryan. I am much closer with Bryan today. I also was really good friends with both Zachs. Although I have compeltely lost contact with them. Havent talked to either of them since 9th grade. That year kinda sucked. I barley had any good classes or classes with friends. I did start talking to my other really good friend Tyler that year. Also my friend nick who I havent really seen recently. Nothing eventful happened that year. Skip forward to the end of 9th grade and I started talking to kara. I was so fucking happy that a girl actually liked me and wanted to date. I was super nervous but we went out on a date and it went really well. I felt on top of the world. I always had a weird vibe about her. She a few months in became controlling and abusive. Made me bleed a few times. My whole family hated her. And her own family were mean to her. After all she did to me, I still felt bad for her and I still do in some ways. When she was nice she was the nicest girl in the world. When she was mean, she was evil. I dated her from the end of 9th grade to the end of 10th grade to almost the start of 11th. She broke up with me after a year and 2 months. August 8th. When she did I has a panic attack and almost fainted. But being the cruel person she is, she led me on for another month or so making me think she was going to get back with me, I had my hoped up so high and I missed her so much. Eventually she just said its over for real, but always left a little hope by saying "one day". It had me fucked up for months after. I should have cut ties sooner. It only hurts more. That is one big lesson I learned. Do not keep in touch with your ex if you want to get over them. Then in may I made the mistake of going to see her at the mall. Which only ended terrible. She made me pay for her food and tried to kiss me. i wanted to so bad but i didnt. I dont know why. She got mad. I forget why. She left and i was alone in the mall crying in the corner bench where bestbuy used to be. Rewind a bit. Start of 11th grade I started a band with bryan. it was called out of breath and it was me, bryan, diego and george. Diego was only in for a day. I love diego but he just was so bad and didnt practice the songs at all. He isnt as into music as me and bryan are. Which is ok. one whole year later we finally got our first show. By that time we had made about 30 songs. Only of which 5 actually made it onto the demo we are proud of. So now its 12th grade. In the july before 12th started, This girl jessica messaged me. She said I was cute and she wanted to keep talking to me. She was In florida at the time with her dad. I waited a whole month for her to get back. But just before we went on a date I got really sick after spending a few nights at jimny peak for my grandpas birthday. My throat hurt so bad. I didnt eat for 5 days. barley drank. I finally got better and ate and drank as much as i could. When i went to the hispital i had dreams about drinking apple juice and soda. It was the worst. I probably lost 5 pounds. Finally I went on the date with jess. i really did like her. She was only 15 however. We saw anabelle or something. I forget. I had a realy nice time and the feeling of someone else laying on me and holding me was something i really really missed. I was so happy. She was just really immature. She had depression and lots of problems. We broke up after she got drunk with a bunch of 20 something year olds. I cant stand drinking, smoking or drugs. And I am so fucking serious. I am done with that after what she did. A few days about a week before that happened. This girl krystal had moved back from florida. In 9th grade I would always see her. apprently we used to talk in homeroom but i dont remember that at all. She was one of those girls i just didnt think i was allowed to talk to. There are still those fucking people. The ones you cant talk to. You know what i mean. Thats all she talked to too. All the girls i had been friends with and now i wasnt. For the better honestly. They turned into druggies and whores. But she moved back after a few years in florida. i didnt think much of it. The  she liked all my pics on ig and i did the same. She also sent me a pic on christmas eve. I almost replied. i didnt tho. The next night she actually messaged me. She sent a heart face to my snap story. we started talking and i really started to like her even tho I had a girlfriend. Within 5 days of the breakup we started dating. We saw insideous. I was beyond happy and had never felt this before ever. Its also sad and tragic that the week leading up to that all my friend just roasted the shit out of her and called her a whore and said i shouldnt feel bad if i just ignored her. That made me a little sad but whatever. She then explained that she used to party get drunk and did xanax. Talk about a fucking turnoff. It still bothers me and sometimes i cant sleep. Why the fuck would you want to drink poison? I swear people who drink are fucking retarded. When you all have liver failure youll see whos right. And she claims that her step dad is dope for giving her weed money. Parents who love their fucking kids dont give them weed money. Literally fuck off with that shit. Weed is also the drug of choice for many LOSERS. I guess she doesnt anymore. But still the fact that she was a fuck up partier whore who slept with 2 people she wasnt in a relationship with. pisses me the fuck off. If you dont wanna almost get pregnant dont take xanax when youre drunk you fucking cunt. Sorry. i love her. And i feel like shes fading from me honestly. Yesterday at lunch we just didnt talk. And we barley have since then. we used to all the time. Shed leave me paragraphs. None of that anymore. She also always has a fucking attitude when I ask anything any boyfriend would. And she never comforts me when Im sad. She never fucking talks things through or tries to see my side of the fucking story. My feelings dont matter when we argue. If shes mad, im wrong. If shes sad, im wrong. It hurts me beyond belief  and we never accomplish anything. When you argue you need to see each others side. Maybe just both say sorry and move on so you both feel like you win. When she cries i hug and kiss her and say its all gonna be ok. When i cry. She looks away. When im sad she doesnt do anything. She said she sucks at comforting people. How hard is it to kiss me or hug me when im sad? you dont need to say anything. She really hurts me sometimes and makes me feel like i dont mean as much as i did. i also really dont want her to leave for the navy. Because if that happens. you know what happens. You grow apart. You fall out of love. Thats the sad truth. I dont want that. I also still feel like shes cheating or shes goig to cheat on me with someone when she goes to florida during break. With one of her guy "friends". Or smoke weed or drink. if i find out she smoked or got drunk. i am leaving her. no trace. "sober eyes are the truest ones" and i refuse to be with someone who smokes or drinks for fun. Poison. Ok thats allup until now. Im sitting her and have been writing for 30 min. Today was weird. But I still feel sad. She doesnt seem into me at all. She doesnt ask to see me. She never even messages me first. I know its dumb, but it hurts me.”

[in-paradox-space]

So my friend knows somebody who knows somebody that works at a pharmacy.

They said they can get prescription medicines like morphine pills for a price.

I’m going to do it. Transcending codeine and moving on to pure morphine.

I’ll probably be on heroin in two years, yolo!

I wanted to buy promethazine/codeine cough syrup but they said they have nothing like that. I’m not even sure if the prometh/co mix is even a thing in the UK.

I’m gonna buy the morphine pills. 

Codeine is basically morphine but to a tenth of the power.

’m gonna get a supply of codeine syrup (probably online) and mix it with some prometh and codeine pills I source from online pharmacies. I might mix it with grape soda or something. 

I’m going to make my own brand of lean and sell it in the UK. Nobody here sells it and I swear, if I let people try it they will pay to feel it again.

It’s easy to source it at this point, but not everybody has the knowledge I have. People here are still doing CWE or just risking overdose on pain pills like cocodamol.

They’ll probably try to source the shit themselves but they’ll give in. 

They’ll just buy it from me.

idrk how im gonna do this

i dont think im going to get rich from this but I’ll probably break even.

If not, I’ll feel cool because I have lean anyway.

I’m trying to stop for like a week, hopefully two, to reset my tolerance.

it’s been like 2 days I guess but not really 

I’ve cut down

I’m not physically dependent but little things, mentions of opiates, painkillers, pleasure, fame or achievement make me think of it. 

I want to get high.

I don’t crave it. I can type this, knowing there’s enough codeine next to me to sweep me off my feet, knowing I’m not going to take it tonight and feel alright. 

I need a friend to hold onto my stash while I detox.

It’s not really useful if I can access it this easy. 

If I give it to my friend who knows about this shit he’ll probably take them himself or OD. I don’t want him to get into any more drugs or try to kill himself.

My main friend doesn’t know much about this.

I’ve loosely spoke to him about it long ago but we’ve never spoke about it.

we’ve spoke about caffeine addiction but thats not seen as a narcotic. 

It’s not as shameful to talk about.

everybody drinks coke.

nobody thinks anything about it.

I’m sure it will be illegal one day.

i dont want to give it to family.

i dont have a lot of options

and i dont want to part with them

I have like 100-200 pills. I should buy more but I’m pretty low on cash. 

I need to pay rent, travel, buy clothes, a new phone and pay for my education. 

Speaking of education.

I’m pretty, idk the word, 

my ego feels shame

I bigged myself up so much

I was stupid to get into this. 

College isn’t me. It’s so far away from my authentic self.

I’m really, really considering dropping out. 

I haven’t made the first trimester or finished the first project. 

It just really, really isn’t me.

The point was always to make cash but I lost the flame that got me onto the course.

I’ll make cash from my long term backup plan.

I’m retaking my GCSES online, so I can take my A-Levels next year. Then probably more GCSEs. 

Even if I don’t choose my current backup plan at that point, I’ll have more options if I choose to sell out again.

so yeah, I feel pretty guilty, ashamed, other shitty feelings.

Sort of awkward and embarrassed. Everybody said I’d stop going and I’d drop out.

They was right and they’re pretty dumb about a lot of things, but the fact they was right about this will validate the stupid sides of them. If you understand what I’m saying. 

It’s 2am, so I’m sort of just typing without correcting.

I guess living in the moment

being happy is important

I’m alive

If I live longer than I thought I would I have time

even if i dont achieve anything

I’ll enjoy a lot of my life

and I’ll die

new people will continuously be born into this world

they will have joy and achievement

I accept this

Happiness was always more important.

Drugs are my escape

drugs are instant gratification

they’re not happiness, but wanting to be happy leads me to them

I’m proud to say I haven’t done MDMA since that really shit comedown last time though

the brain zaps and super low feelings.

I don’t want to do it again.

I might do it again though, when I visit some friends in Europe with my other druggy friend

he’s not really a druggy but that’s the only context I’ve ever mentioned him in here

that’s how a lot of people see him 

that’s not him though.

he has a lot of other interests, talents and knowledge

he doesn’t have a lot of options right now so he just lives in the moment when he can 

but hes trying to get out of it

he’s definitely making an effort

the people around him aren’t

I appreciate that about him

he’s not giving up. 

he’s spending longer amounts of time clean each time he tries again

he’s still dependent on weed but he can survive days without it

his main problem is honestly environment or the people around him

his girlfriend is just 

dramatic

shes a cunt and starts things for her own sake

I tell him, she is a thot, he’s like nah bro i love her though

love is an illusion

its just chemicals

he knows this deep down

the more of a cunt she is, the sooner he will eventually cut himself off from her

I think it’s coming soon

maybe he can help me sell the lean

I hope I keep at trying to sell lean

I get so motivated and driven to finish projects

i get so deep and so close to getting somewhere

then a few months later i lose all interest

just like i did with photography and college

then i move onto something else exciting, which could honestly be my break

like selling lean

then i repeat the cycle

thats why i call myself consistently inconsistent

i wish i could stick at this shit

ive noticed a plethora of patterns in my lifestyle

every year I repeat the story

redeciding what matters to me

i know it all to be true

nothing to be false

everything to be possible

every feeling is a choice.

so yeah uh 

drugs fam

theyre bad

but i like them 

i also need cash

if u need drugs just hmu fam i can source u anything

if youre a cop be warned I’ll show u a time so good you’ll have to quit your job