#not really but i wanna be able to find this again
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sev def lays on top of u whenever she makes u mad until you stop being mad
ASDJFPWEWFPJD:LDF this is so fucking funny and cute
men and minors dni
the first time it happens, you and sevika are in your first real fight of your relationship.
sevika had stood you up on a date, only to show up on your doorstep five hours later bloodied and beaten.
the simultaneous sting of rejection mixed with the heartbreak of seeing your love in such rough shape resulted in you angrily patching sevika up in the bathroom, ranting at her as you tended to her wounds.
"b-baby, you know i've got a crazy job. sometimes i come home bloody. some nights i won't be able to come home at all. and you should know by now that i wouldn't fuckin' stand you up without a good reason."
"i know that sevika, which is why i'd fucking appreciate it if you could send a fucking messenger to me next time you gotta bail on our plans! i thought you were dead in a fucking ditch somewhere!" you cry.
sevika blinks, seemingly not having considered this point yet. "oh." she says, her heart breaking a bit as she realizes how worried you must've been. you're always worried about her; pouting when you find new bruises on her body and giving silco dirty looks when he's been treating her poorly, and sevika knows how hard you work to accept her lifestyle and job-- but she can only fucking imagine how scared you must've been for the few hours where she was missing. she'd die if she thought something happened to you.
"did you hit your head at all?" you ask, glaring down at your girlfriend while your hands gently move her head back and forth, studying her pupils.
"no."
"good." you grunt, dropping your hands quickly and angrily packing up the first aid kit. "i'm going to bed. you need to take a bath-- you stink." you spit, storming out of the bathroom.
sevika blinks, the full gravity of her fuck up hitting her-- and then she rushes after you.
you're cursing her out under your breath and slamming drawers as you change into your pajamas.
sevika cringes, desperately trying to think of a way to get herself out of the doghouse. "baby--"
"i don't wanna hear it, sevika. not tonight."
she gulps, and then does the only thing she can think to do.
in three big strides, sevika's pushing you onto the bed and collapsing on top of you. you squeak, then start to squirm underneath her.
"what the fuck are you doing!?" you ask.
sevika shrugs on top of you. "you're angry at me."
"...so!?" you squeal.
"so i'm squishing you until you love me again." sevika says.
you can't help but giggle, smacking her shoulder. "i still love you, jackass, i'm just mad at you."
"so i'm squishing the mad out of you." she says simply. you laugh, your anger slowly melting away at sevika's sweetness. "i'm sorry. really. i didn't-- i didn't even think of how scary that could be for you. i-i'll send someone next time i gotta stay late. i promise."
with the easy way you melt underneath her after that, sevika starts laying on top of you anytime you argue after that, too.
you bitch at her about how she's always letting food crust on her plates in the sink-- she lays on you.
she skips her dentist appointment and gets a cavity and you're pissed when you find out-- she lays on you.
she spoils the end of the book you're reading on accident, and, you guessed it-- she's laying on you until you finally sigh and forgive her.
it's nice. sevika always uses the time on top of you to figure out her words-- figure out a proper apology and something to make it up to you. you like the pressure of her body on top of you-- it helps the firey anger inside you disperse and it's reassuring to know that even when you're pissed at her, sevika's gonna stay with you.
plus, most of the time your arguments end when you start running away from sevika, insisting she don't lay on you this time, and she chases after you, both of you forgetting your grievances to giggle and chase each other around the house.
taglist!
@fyeahnix @lavendersgirl @half-of-a-gay @thesevi0lentdelights @sexysapphicshopowner
@shimtarofstupidity @chuucanchuucan @badbye666 @femme-historian @lia-winther
@sevikaspillowprincess @emiliabby @sevikasbeloved @hellorai
@glass-apothecary @macaroni676 @artinvain @k3n-dyll @sevsdollette
@ellieslob @xayn-xd @keikuahh @maneskinwh0re @raphaellearp
@iamastar @sevikitty @mascdom @nhaaauyen
@mirconreadzztuff22 @veoomvroom @lushh-s3vik4s @katyawooga @lesbodietcoke
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favorite fic? of yours and in general
I don't feel like picking and choosing between my own fics so instead I wanna share some fics written by my fellow yandere writers (some of which I may have shared in similar asks in the past but idc I wanna share them again):
from @hypnoswrites:
Chrollo vs a blacklist Hunter (I really enjoy how fast and how easily Chrollo was able to handle that situation, from cleaning up the body to controlling reader)
Illumi uses a needle on reader (love the way poor reader's mind is addled in this one and how easily she disregards the violent scene due to Illumi's influence. love the ending as well, it's so chilling)
Uvogin x reader x Franklin (two big men - my greatest weakness❤️❤️❤️)
vampire Razor (idk how to summarize this one accurately there's so much going on and I love it all so much)
apocalypse AU with Pakunoda (Paku my beloved❤️❤️❤️)
from @ddarker-dreams:
Chrollo's birthday (love me some Greedy Chrollo)
third party recognizes reader while she's out with Chrollo (poor reader tried SO hard to keep the guy away AND keep Chrollo appeased😭)
aftermath of Chrollo's darling being kidnapped (all of the conversations that Lock's readers have with Chrollo are always great to read but this one in particular sticks out in my mind and I love it)
Feitan's darling runs away (THAT FUCKING ENDING OMG)
Scaramouche's darling distracts him (I know next to nothing about Genshin Impact but I really enjoyed this fic❤️❤️❤️)
from @cherrysha:
ABO Uvogin (this fic lives in my head rent free)
Uvo's darling has a nightmare (there's something scary about how Uvo is so violent in trying to find her and how it contrasts with how gentle he is after. the anxiety she feels from her nightmare which then turns into comfort when he has her in his arms)
reader tries to kill Hisoka (poor reader😭)
god AU with Franklin (I love love love the buildup to Franklin's true reveal in this fic. how Franklin's presence is there within the temple once reader visits, but it's only when she finally collects the proper materials that he appears for real before her. plus the addition of reader possibly being in danger if she fails at the task he's set for her. there's a lot of buildup and dread in this fic and I love it)
Meleoron x reader (this fic is just cute as hell and I need to share it)
from @after-witch:
Feitan saves reader after she's been kidnapped (I've definitely shared this one before but that isn't stopping me from sharing it again bc this fic is amazing from beginning to end❤️❤️❤️)
one night stand with Feitan (I just love the way reader and Feitan end up connecting and how reader being herself is enough to make Feitan decide that he wants to keep her)
vampire Chrollo x reader (this is another fic that has so much going on that it's hard to get all of my thoughts on it out. it's just such a fun read and I love The Lost Boys vibes)
Chrollo's patience runs out (just Bastard Chrollo at his finest)
Uvogin retrieves his darling (in these kind of fics you just KNOW that Uvo will be getting his darling after they run, but it's always a wonder as to how that happens and what Uvo's reaction will be)
from @absolute-flaming-trash:
Hisoka buys his darling a gift (using bungee gum as a LEASH omg)
Hisoka looking for his soulmate (I really liked this version of the 30 seconds soulmate au❤️❤️❤️ it was interesting plus it offered more opportunities for reader to annoy Hisoka lol)
Chrollo and kidnapped reader (poor reader😭)
Illumi punishes reader (😳😳😳)
Mahito asking about love (anything with Mahito is generally fucked up due to him being.... himself. but this one had some moments that were kinda cute. like the description of Mahito laying on the bed reading a magazine, or the way he's described looking at reader. but all it takes is for one word and the mood feels dangerous again. also it's currently raining rn so reading this fic feels appropriate)
#fic rec#it was hard to limit myself to favorite fics#but I didn't want to list the entire masterlists of all the authors lol#if you haven't checked out these blogs please do so#:D
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a moment of vulnerability
SYNOPSIS ✶ "nothing haunts us like the things we don't say." –unknown
PAIRING ✶ ateez x 9th member! male! reader
GENRE ✶ ot9 au, angst to comfort
WARNINGS ✶ trauma, deadbeat father, death
YINGLES' NOTE ✶ guess who's back after almost half a year lamaoaooa
it's practice time once again. you've- well, all of ateez have been darting all over the place from the company to interviews to music shows, and you haven't been able to catch a break.
you desperately want to calm the raging sea in your heart, but the other members have it hard as well, so what benefit would it bring if you were to vent and rant to anyone of the members?
not to mention how composed hongjoong and seonghwa has been, you can't fall behind them, you just can't.
so what you plan to do is just get it over with, hurry up with practice and go back to the dorms to finally rest on your nice and fluffy pillows.
"... and three, four and five- wooyoung, you're supposed to be over here." you mark blankly as you point to the left side behind you where an empty space was.
"oh, crap- sorry noona, i can't seem to get these steps right..." wooyoung chuckles dryly, trying to lighten up the mood despite your stern and unmoving expression.
"no, i feel you. noona, don't you think you should slow down a bit...?" san offered, not wanting to touch a nerve. "i agree," seonghwa piqued, "maybe we should take a break first, i think you need one too m/n."
the man smiled gently as the members all went over to the water bottles and began to drink their beverages. you tapped your feet against the floorboard and bit your nails, they've already became rough and callous from how much your teeth has been abusing them over the weeks.
"hyung? i just wanna ask-" yeosang cuts himself off when he sees you sweating profusely and lips becoming paler, "h-hey, you okay?" his face contorts into one of worry.
you came back to your senses before clearing your throat, "sorry yeo, what's— what did you need?" you ask again. "as i was saying..." yeosang begins slowly, though his expression holds one of worry and suspicion.
practice, shows, recording.
that's all you had to get done under this month, it's only started but you can't seem to relax. it's only three simple words but somehow you found the actions more complex and annoying. you also can't seem to focus on yeosang's question.
you began to sweat again as your heart rate sped up, why were you feeling so stressed? why are they all lounging as if we're on vacation?
you couldn't wrap your head around it, and you couldn't calm your raging breaths either. as yeosang waited for a response, his tongue darts out to wet his lips before he asks once again, waving a hand in front of your face.
the action makes your head spin even more. you wanted him to stop, your mouth opening and closing but no words come out. you felt a migraine slowly come but you just weren't able to find your voice.
suddenly you slap his hand away, the loudness of the skin collision makes yeosang shocked, along with the other members who turned their head upon the sound.
and for a moment, it was silent. everyone had the same thought running through their heads, including yours. 'he has never raises his hand against any of us.'
"fuck- sorry yeo, are you okay...?" you ask nervously as you reached out, only for the man to pull further back, the action alone makes your heart break, but further when his soft eyes stare at you in fear.
hongjoong steps up and pats yeosang's shoulder as his stinging hand falls to his side awkwardly, "hey, what's going on?" the man asks, not really able to comprehend the situation as of now.
your mind drifts back to an instagram reel you saw a few nights ago. 'the abused becomes the abuser', 'the manipulated becomes the manipulator'.
was that possible? were you really evolving- no, devolving, into him? that wretched man who clung to your blood like a parasite, the man that made you worse and better than you ever were before.
your fa- "hey m/n!" hongjoong snaps a finger in your face, bringing you back to reality. "what's going on? you okay? do you need something?" the bombard of questions makes your head spin.
you stumble back and hold onto the rail, surprising all the members as you began to pant, hand going to hold your head from your swirling thoughts.
stress, anxiety, worry.
stress, anxiety, worry.
stress, anxie- wait, are you even breathing? could you breathe? god, the air in here is so stuffy — the practice room was smaller than you imagined now that you looked at it seriously.
ugh, your stomach was churning really badly. did you even eat enough this morning? no- i mean how could you? how could you possibly stomach food when you're having a panic attack?
panic attack...?
you dry heaved before your hand comes up to cup over your mouth, eyes scanning the now blurry members who were slowly coming closer before you rushed out of the practice room and threw up in the middle of the hall by the wall.
you slid down on your knees your breakfast and all the bullshit you ate from yesterday hits the ground, leaving your stomach empty, just like your head now.
you wiped the spit from your lips and swallowed, the bitter taste of barf filling your tongue as your face cringes and mind swirling.
upon seeing the figures of your members rushing towards the hallway, your eyes gave out before you passed out onto the ground.
enveloped in darkness, you saw a silhouette of a woman, your mother. you could always recognise her from anywhere, not because of the pink she always adorned — well, maybe. but you could never perfectly describe the reason why.
everyone's always complimented how similar you two looked, and you always became happy when that comment came.
you wanted to be just like her — so you grew out your hair, changed your personality and acted in line. that wasn't the real reason, but it was what you told your members.
maybe it was because deep in the back of your mind, you knew the blood of your deadbeat father ran in your blood, and that there was a possibility- even if it was 1%, that you would end up like him.
you hated the revelation, so in your delusion, you changed yourself, not for the better, but not for the worse either. still, you didn't know.
blood determines nothing. that is a fact itself with the way your father acts and treats you. in his eyes, you are nothing but scum. despite holding the family name and are able to pass the bloodline, he hated you and you never knew why.
though as you grew older, the more he'd raise his hand at you and hold violence as a more superior solution than anything else, that was his way, and you hated it to the bone.
your position now as an idol determines nothing either, it's not guaranteed. no matter how good of a company you come from, a little slip up could let decades of hard work spill down the drain.
just like your little hoobae seunghan, poor boy. he had so much waiting for him just to get thrown out last minute, you weren't sure why but you felt it would happen to you eventually.
maybe because it has happened to you already — not in the exact same way, but gosh did it leave the same traumatic scar it probably left seunghan too.
you wanted to become a writer, a famous one at that. you found comfort in the little letters you'd write on your notebook, creating different stories and scenarios that filled your heart with ease.
your mother was supportive and loved to read some of the short fictions you'd let her read. always giving you that sweet pat on the head and telling you how proud she was.
you looked up to her, amazed at how perfectly she held herself, despite the familial environment your father put you guys through.
but you found out she wasn't as strong as you thought, when she killed herself in the summer of 2012, when you were only 13 year old.
after then, you stopped writing all together. her words suddenly becoming empty when you thought back to it; if she could lie about her feelings, she could lie about her words too.
you never realised, but the pent up hatred for your mother was never hatred in the first place. you only ever felt guilty for not being mature enough for her to express her deepest feelings to you, even if you were only 13.
suddenly, your eyes shot open as a tear rolled down your temple from where you laid. you glanced around the room and recognised it to be your own, with an iv drip connecting to your arm.
before long, jongho comes in with a glass of water and almost drops it when you wake up. he places the glass down gently before sitting at your side.
his eyes are full of worry as they dart all over you, thinking about what to do or say. "jjongie..." you started, though you let out a few coughs at how dry your throat have gotten.
jongho immediately helps you sit up and drink the water, downing the whole glass in one go, almost making the maknae crack a smile if not for your worrying condition.
as he placed the glass down, the man sighs. "...are you ever gonna tell us what happened back there?" he asks slowly, almost sounding ashamed that's the first thing he says to you since you woke up.
but you only blinked before turning to stare up at the ceiling, "eventually, yeah— but what day is it?" you ask instinctively, feeling as if along time had passed.
"it's been a day..." the man replied with a gulp, remembering how fearful all the members were when the doctor says you'll be resting for a while.
you hummed and opened your mouth to speak before your door practically breaks down with the way wooyoung rushed in with tears in his eyes.
"HYUNG!" the man-baby exclaims as he kneels by your bedside and wails on your lap, "oh my god, you're alive!" he cries like a baby as yunho flicks his head, "hey don't jinx it."
a tiny smile graces your lips as you gently ran your fingers through the man's hair, bringing his ever-lasting comfort, just like how your mother has always made you feel.
in just a second, all the members have successfully poured into your room like roaches. and as you caught yeosang, he comes closer at your silent message.
"are you still hurt?" you ask slowly as your free hand caressed the back of his hand, where you'd slap. you knew it didn't hurt, the man could carry two of you without breaking a sweat.
but you just felt like you should ask — you knew mother would've asked if it was here, and the thought alone makes a small smile creep up your lips.
"i'm okay, but are you?" he asks as he takes your hand in his and squeezes it reassuringly, "i think so." you chuckle, suddenly feeling so warm just with the upbeat chattering of your members.
you sigh shakily before bringing yeosang close and hugging the man in your arms. you gently raked your fingers through his hair as your eyes watered.
"hyung's sorry, i never meant to hurt you..." you whispered shakily, the guilt of that painful face yeosang made a day ago making your chest tighten.
the man simply smiled shyly and hugs back, nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck as he replies in a muffled voice. "it's okay, noona. i know you didn't mean it..."
hearing the common nickname of 'noona' makes you release the breath you didn't know you were holding as you sniffled gently before kissing the man's temple.
mingi chuckles, "guys, look at yeosang blush." wooyoung raises his head from where his tears stained your lap before he snorted, "he's bright red!"
yeosang blushes harder and yanks himself away from you in embarrassment. "am not! your eyes are redder than mine, you're the one who's crying like a little kid."
you smile upon the familiar scene of the boys bickering and bantering amongst each other, it's refreshing, seeing your members so relaxed and happy.
hongjoong sitting at your side catches your attention before you turn back towards him with a kind smile and he smiles back, what a captain.
"you don't have to tell us what's going on, but just know that we're here for you if you ever need us." he marks before grasping your hand and intertwining your fingers without anyone noticing.
"even though i'd like it to be only me," the man jokes, making you snort softly, "everyone else here loves you just the same, so don't keep everything bottled up."
a sudden laugh leaves your lips as the members go silent, turning to watch you with curiosity as you laugh your heart out, warming their hearts as well.
'if only mother was surrounded by this much love back then, maybe she would've been able to see me grow into the writer she hoped i'd become.'
©BRRRKDSLEK 2024
#brrrkdslek 📁: oneshots#brrrkdslek 🖇️: 9th member m/n#ateez fanfic#ateez x reader#san x reader#seonghwa x reader#wooyoung x reader#hongjoong x reader#jongho x reader#yeosang x reader#yunho x reader#mingi x reader
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"What happens at the Théâtre stays at the Théâtre."
#interview with the vampire#iwtv#louis de pointe du lac#claudia#armand#the vampire armand#I AM SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP#season 2#my stuff#not really but i wanna be able to find this again
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you know when you're holding a snake but they wanna GO so they keep worming forward but you keep replacing your hands along the length so now you're both on a conveyor belt to nowhere
#unfortunately zizz jabbed me in the ribs like HEY REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU DREW GIANT SNEKUMO?#and i said no but before i slept that night i had to draw a big snekumo#so here we are again. in Easily Influenced Land.#i find the snake trying to escape grasp thing pretty amusing#like... is the snake REALLY terrified? wouldn't they be able to slither out of our grasp quite easily if they wanted?#or are they just curious and they wanna explore?#because every time i see a handler with the snake doing the infinity belt#doesn't seem like the snake's truly committed to escaping#like... they're kinda not about it but they're more annoyed than anything#i like to think that because i don't want to imagine Human Hands as SO powerful that they can subdue a fleeing snake#by just. switch hand#that's an unfairly big advantage humans have over scared snakes if that's the case LOL#nu carnival kuya#nu carnival yakumo#yakuya
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im rereading one piece (i'll watch certain arcs too as i get into OP again)
and man i forget how much i loved the baratie arc especially seeing how luffy and sanji first interact... "i refuse your refusal!" is so good and while bickering like an old married couple, they both yell at gin simultaneously i love them so much
#and i find the old art style really charming too!!#and it's just so nice to see luffy's adventure from the start again and knowing how far he's come#i cant wait to watch my fav arcs though!!#oh and this one filler arc i think is after skypiea? idk theres a lot of filler eps i wanna watch#and i just know i'll adore the straw hat crew even more#BUT im sooooo not ready to read marineford again 😭#genuinely ace's death mentally scarred me and i Kind of want to try watching it#but i dont know if i'll be able to handle it animated or even voiced#thats what im most scared of#but the asl backstory has a lot more content in the anime#which is one thing i look forward to most#idk man but i am. mentally preparing myself#ANYWAY#lusan#one piece#luffy#sanji
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"Took ya long enough," Surge said as Sonic came out. "Thought you would've just told Whisper to take it easy and get out here right away to solve this shit. Whatever, let's just find Lanolin and see what she wants us to do." The tenrec wasn't sure what to do about GUN, though was sure Lanolin already was doing something to try and get them to back off. Best to find her first and ask.
"Well, from what i gathered someone had shut down our servers and system. Knowing GUN it was most likely them so I can return the favor. My stuff was never hooked up to The Restoration's systems so it should be running. As long as I can get to it that is." Kitsunami wasn't sure what parts of the base had been cut off, though as long as he can get to the barracks he can reach his stuff.
"That'll piss them off, though having it at the ready ain't a bad idea. If they decided they wanna get forceful then we cut them off from their home base." Surge knew Sonic didn't want any fighting to break out, though if it did keeping them from asking for backup would be good. "Drippy, can you work with him on this?" The tenrec asked motioning to Tails.
"...Fine, I guess. I'm not happy about it." Kitsunami didn't want to be anywhere near Tails, though if Surge asked him he could handle it. The fennec turning his attention to the vulpine. "You'd better not touch any of my equipment." He didn't trust the other not to try and go through his files or various equipment, even if the logical side of him said there was no reason for him to snoop around his stuff.
"Easy Drippy, just relax a bit." Surge then looked at Tails. "Just, keep a few feet away from him or something." The tenrec was sure it went without saying Kitsunami still had Starline's programming in his head to hate Tails, even if it wasn't as bad as it was before seeing as he was allowing him to help. "Come on, let's head outside and find Lanolin." The speedster then dashed off.
===========================================================
"Hey, try not to worry about GUN, okay? Sonic and Surge can speed blitz anyone of those chumps. I'm sure Kitsunami and Tails are already coming up with a super brainy plan. Lanolin's out there too along with Belle. I'm sure Amy has shown up too." Tangle wished she could grip Whisper's hand back to try and put her at ease. The only thing she could barely move was her tail.
"Not to mention if things go crazy crazy then you're the only one here armed and able to defend here. Unless the doc can get me up and running quickly." Tangle would put her attention on the doctor now.
"At least I'm hoping you've got something to let me move again. I'll be honest doc, not being able to move really sucks. I also got a major itch on my nose and it's just killing me here." Tangle was hoping that was the case so she could help if need be, and the itch was making her lose her mind.
The Wolf remained silent as the other's discussed her own well being and she knew it came from a good place. But if they needed her, hurt and in pain or not she'd always be there for them. She was trained to deal with pain and how to manage her wounds. She effectively had multiple burns over her body and the little Violet wisp was resting on her head feeling responsible and, rather depressed because it got her hurt. But Whisper didn't blame them she practically did it to herself. She knew she couldn't use wisps without her body getting wrecked by it.
Whisper was about to stand up ready to go back in the field but, Tangle's words made her falter. The doctor giving her a glance over from where he stood though she could only assume it was a judgmental stare. She did want to help but also she didn't want to worry Tangle. Yet her stubborn nature as a soldier bled through as she still grabbed her rifle and stood up, despite the hesitation she could still shoot and that was enough to provide cover for the others.
The Snake pushed his way into the room and gave Tangle a long stare at her request.
" She's in obvious pain if that's what you want me to say, but i could tell you lot you were about to fall apart and you'd still march into danger with your head held high. "
Altiss gave Tangle a long stare
" She should stay... but having cared for my share of soldiers in the War i can tell you none of you ever listen to me. But i get why, so you won't her me badger you about it... "
He tugged high calorie energy bar from his jacket and offered one to Surge and Sonic with a steady gaze. Showing that on some level he understood how there bodies required more energy then any normal person and all that speed burned through there calories like wild grass fire. This was his way of trying to help balance there energy levels and keep them healthy.
" ... Someone has to play the Hero... i suppose that falls to you two. Try not to be to wreckless... i can only stitch so much of you back together... and You miss Whisper, sit... you aren't going to do anyone any good in your condition..."
Sonic took the bar curiously as very few knew why he ate so many chilidogs. It was packed with calories and kept him moving without burning his body out. He wasn't sure Surge had the same issue, though he guessed it was possible? he bet the Doc made that assumption based on his physiology since Surges was mostly unknown.
" Doc's know best, besides between Surge and I, if GUN does try anything they are in for a bad time. I'm honestly hopin' it don't come to that! besides i bet Amys already on her way back... and the Chaotix ain't to far away either... push comes to shove we'll be fine. Sorry to bug ya doc--- an thanks for the pick me up. "
He turned but paused to give Tangle a smile as he had always thought those two were a cute couple.
" Yo, Ring Tail! Get better quick ya hear? Miss havin' ya bouncin' around already! Alright gang let's bounce, and let the doc do his thing! "
Whisper had slowly sat back down when the Doc pointed out how hurt she was. She didn't want to worry Tangle either, but she did feel like she was letting everyone down. She placed her hand on blue until she heard it was GUN causing issues which made her blue eyes snap open. Her history with GUN only made her nostrils flare as she watched the others leave. She hated this... she hated being hurt and worse...
She had a bad feeling about all of it...
#atangledfate#Surge the Tenrec#speed of lightning brawler#Kitsunami the Fennec#nervous shaking water#Tangle the Lemur#dangerous adventurous lemur#rp#ic#IDW Sonic
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Updates on me! Still doing alright and still trying to figure out a new tablet I'd like. Haven't even found time to doodle much between all the running around I'm doing but still! I'll hopefully be able to draw again soon! Here, have a recent messy trad doodle I did for someone!
Also been going golfing! Okay maybe I'm not the one golfing, but im keeping scores while driving the golf cart! Definitely super good at score keeping and don't get distracted at all!
#my art#sketches#just rambling#WAVING AT YALL!#Im not used to being so busy but its been nice to be up and around!#even started going to the gym!#its been a blast!#im doing well even if Im not able to draw much#i miss art tho#i wanna draw Wally again sometime#or even doodle Gangle! Gangle beloved I love her augh#Shit some sun and moon doodles sound fun rn#oh but i digress! Im doing very well still!!! hopefully will find a balance eventually where I can run around and still draw#I really need a portable tablet. ipad mayhaps. i found a wacom one i was looking at too
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i dpnt want to go hoooome
#i miss drawing but thats it#talkys#at rainforest cafe we had a really nice funny upbeat server#who ended up chatting with us and saying he is 26‚ was FINALLY able to leave home from his home state (not Texas)#to be here (Texas) and he gets to be out of the closet and stuff and its like I feel this could be me too like I Get It. ive been having Fun#being away and chatting with strangers and such#i want to be away...my voice being hurt today had me dreaming about being on T again#bjut also i rly dont know its hard to see a future myself even now that my friend is continuing to help me find it ykwim#like as a kid i never looked forward to any of it. puberty high school driving college career#i thought id get over driving once i Got There but ive been driving and all i can think of is how i wasnt born to drive at all. i hate it#idk how i cld survive away from home if the driving is so difficult. the driving we did today was so stressful. i cld not have maneuvered#it at all. idk. i wanna live away but idk that its feasible and even when it seems more feasible (employment out of town) it doesnt#(the driving. the living. the sustaining self and making sure he eats the maximum 1 meal per day. the Fear. ykwim)
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will forever have a soft spot for chloe cause yeah dawg i get it we can try to avoid becoming attached out of the overwhelming fear of being abandoned again but miserably fail together
#she's not the best person ever#but no one is#and i'm not excusing a lot of her actions#like the way she acted when kate called max will always leave me biting my fist out of frustration#but people love to just stare at the surface n focus on the parts of her that aren't great#n don't bother to wonder what got her there#the part that jumps to conclusions and does things out of pure selfishness#and that part that doesn't really think things through...#like shooting that damn bumper#but i GET IT#putting so much trust and love into people just to have them disappear on you especially if you dont know if its intentional#not getting closure can do SO much damage it's not even funny#n it legit can just make you feel like an idiot when you look back like#why did i try so hard just to end up alone#like this girls life went downhill at the age of 14#she just like me fr 😭😭😭😭😭😭#no but#it's hard not to feel like the worlds against you#even at the end she acknowledges that she's been selfish#SO#i don't like believing that she chooses to be this way yknow like#i truly think that she believes acting like a hardass all the time is the only way she'll be able to get by anymore#she lost her dad n then max n then tried again with rachel and then lost her#i'd be fuckin insane too#girl just doesn't wanna be hurt anymore#there's better ways of coping and acting but overall i get where she's coming from#n ill always save her bc i genuinely believe that she deserves a second chance#to live her life and find happiness again#life is strange#chloe price
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🏩🧸🎀🪞
#i just wish i didnt care so much about how ugly i am...#i DO have an ugly face.. wide and round and big and the top of my head is too small and narrow#it just looks so so so weird#and im always uglier than everyone else. and i will always be uglier than their ex and uglier than their next and uglier than the other#girls they like. it will always be that way.#i will always always be ugly#i cannot change this face. i am stuck with it.#people will always be mean. ppl will always tell me how ugly i am. that's just how it is#a fact of life. no matter what i do this is how it is#and therefore i wish could just live with it...#even if i am ugly.. this is my face and im stuck with it#so i want to no matter what mean thoughts everyone else have about me#i wanna just be able to grow accustomed to my face. find comfort in its ugliness#i wanna still just be able to take selfies or wear makeup or accessories without /feeling/ like im not allowed to simply bc everyone else#sees me as ugly.... bc like yeah.. but this is still my face and it is all i've got#no one will ever find me pretty. no one will ever think im the prettiest girl in the world for them#thats fine. that really hurts but i cant blame anyone bc i AM ugly. but i want to just be able to live in peace#and do what i want to do regardless of everyone else's opinions...#so what if i am an ugly troll trying to play dress up??? i know my place#i will never be the princess. and i would never ever think i even could#so then just let me know my place and be an ugly swamp troll and have fun in peace#but i keep seeing my face and feeling so sad#bc again and again all i can think abt even if i learn how to live with it#i will stillnever be a pretty girl someone can fall in love with..#and i think abt how small and tiny and round and cute faces those girls#they like have... how theyre so pretty and cute in ways i could never be#it doesnt matter how much i love or whatever is inside my heart.. im too ugly to even look twice at#but pls universe let me just be able to live with it.
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Should make a pain killer that actually kills (or even touches) pain
#not that I have access to ultra hardcore stuff#but even when I had... pretty sure it was vicodine for my wisdom teeth; it didn't do a thing for me#cbd based stuff seems like it maybe helps; certainly does more than nsaids which do nothing for pain (great for inflammation though)#but I just... I'd really like something that actually makes my muscles and joints feel like... good; unpain#I'm sure it would be classified as addictive whatever it was but like... fuck man... I just want to not hurt#I can't tell if I have chronic pain cause... I kinda forget to pay attention when I'm hurting a lot of the time#I'll just... kinda realize I've been hurting bad all day and just not really focusing on it#and I also don't know how often it happens; if it's once a day or once a month or what; not great at noting that stuff down#but man... I don't even like most meds; so many meds either do nothing for me or make me feel like shit#like... benedril? however you spell it; someone gave me some once said it would help me sleep... help me be awake feeling like ass more lik#but like... love to see if muscle relaxants actually like... relaxed my muscles; but you get it; you get why I'll never be able to try it#though honestly I think therapeutic massage might help me a lot#but my doc says that really only gets authorized by physical therapy and... well for me physical therapy is useless#cause I forget to do the exercise; like it's me failing a physical therapy; not a probably with physical therapy#if I ever think I can keep up with it I'd love to try physical therapy for my back again; but I don't want to waste all my chances at it#not when... I descriptively didn't do it when I was in it before; I'd never remember to do any of the exercises#anyway; bonus story from when I was in urgent care when the infection came back (that's still never been solved)#I tell the doc 'last time it tore open a drainage hole it was the worst pain I've ever felt'... cause it was#I said 'I'll need something a bit stronger than an nsaid cause the nsaid did nothing but cut inflammation last time'#she's like 'don't worry; I got you'... wanna guess what she gave me? a newer nsaid#it didn't do shit; I was just lucky and it wasn't as painful... maybe the old drainage hole tore open easier this time#but I didn't even take the nsaid she prescribed; so I'm gonna say it wasn't that med helping#like I get it; you don't want to give opioids... and would it shock you to know that wasn't what I was looking for either#there's gotta be something between nsaid and fentynol man#...well... maybe the cdb has almost got my muscles... hurting less at least; only taken all this time I've been writing#they still hurt for sure... I don't know... get tired; you know?#mm tag so i can find things later
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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once a gluten free ramen becomes available in stores it's over for all of you bc i will be ascending
#pls i haven't had ramen in over a decade pls someone make this already#I did research in gluten free forums and apparently the best gluten free ramen is something#I'd have to order online and it's like $25 for a pack of 5. i want that dollar garbage shit everyone else is getting#and i wanna be able to buy it from regular grocery stores#dude there's so many foods i miss that still don't have a gluten free equivalent#you know how hard it is to find gluten free donuts?#there are no gluten free cheese crackers that come CLOSE to goldfish or cheese-its#and every time i magically find something at a store i haven't had in forever#(spring rolls. mozzarella sticks. a decent mac'n'cheese. gluten free veggie burgers)#the store STOPS CARRYING IT#anyways this started off as a joke but now im really frustrated again#celiac posting#text post
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Consider this an amuse-bouche.
#interview with the vampire#iwtv#armand#louis de pointe du lac#claudia#santiago#the vampire armand#season 2#video#SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP LOSING MY FUCKING MIND#my stuff#not really but i wanna be able to find this again
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semi-heavy adhd vent tw 🫢🫢
personally of the opinion that the worst thing about adhd is the subtlety. we joke abt how obvious and silly it is but its barely visible 95% of the time.
& u spend your whole life not knowing if the mental struggle you have doing basic shit is what everyone deals with or if something's wrong. even when you KNOW you have adhd and even have it TREATED you STILL don't know if you're having a normal amount of obstacles.
i've been on meds for two years now and i just spent a whole fucking summer semester not sure if i was having adhd burnout or if my meds weren't working or if i was actually just being lazy. i think its all three, but who knows! and now i have a final tomorrow that i have to pass and i dont know if i can because i could barely fucking do any work all semester.
this happens like every year/semester but this one particularly stings cause it was supposed to be really good this time!! lots of free time, one class to worry about, the best nd-friendly note-taking system i've ever used, lots of flexibility, and friends to spend time with. it was even a science class!! chem, not bio, but better than non-science, right? but apparently, the only way i can ever stay motivated and on the ball is if im chained to a super-stressful and merciless schedule. so i have to choose between my long-term success and my mental health!!
i don't envy neurotypicals for the weird fucking ways they operate sometimes but good lord fucking jesus it sounds nice to be able to do things. i feel like a loaded gun with a busted trigger; i have all these amazing ideas and well-thought-out schedules and all the passion and desperation to follow through, but my brain and body just. won't. do it.
#vent#adhd#im really freaking out ngl but i will pull through because i HAVE to#i did the math and as long as i get like a 50 on this test i will almost definitely pass#but i'd at least like a -B#im just trying to find a way to be productive without destroying myself#cause i tried the insanely busy routine in the spring semester of my senior year of highschool and it worked!!#but i was sickly and exhausted and losing weight and everyone but me noticed#i kinda promised my friends not to do that to myself again#god i hate having adhd sometimes FUCK#i keep telling myself im only 18 and i'm still figuring out my adhd and unlearning the habits i learned growing up to survive#and that a lot of people do stupid shit and struggle in college even WITHOUT adhd#but omg how long is it going to take until i can rely on myself#im really scared im never gonna figure it out and i wont be able to do the things i wanna do#i just wanna sit in a lab all day and research cells or some shit man!! put me in a room full of bugs or worms or something!! jesus!!#this isn't the fun witty adhd stuff i like posting about but hey at least my brethren out there will be able to relate :)#adhd student#adhd struggles#adhd mood#adhd problems#neurodivergent#neurodivergent student#college#stem student#buggie's nerd stuff
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