#not even sad abt the gender dysphoria

[kruxton]

"hello teacher i am batman!!!!!!!!! look i made this costume-" "haha i get it youre catwoman!!!!" "what no im not. im batma-" " OHHH WAIT!!!! YOURE BATGIRL!!!!!" "no- IM BATMAN" "haha how silly. you cant be batMAN. youre batGIRL. what a cute batgirl costume."

[nervocat]

NO NOW I'M SPIRALING

[dogfags]

rambling abt hating myself for being trans

I fear I will never get over my deep seated shame for being trans & severe internalized transphobia. it's probably my biggest problem I have going on mentally lately. and it will probably only get worse in the coming years with the political state of this country. it's almost like everyone screaming violent transphobia at trans people and taking away our rights to expression and transition will have a negative effect on our mental health.

idk. people think I am so confident in myself bc of the way I present and im absolutely not. I am filled with a deep shame for my transness that permeates every facet of my life. I don't even hate my body or have much physical body dysphoria anymore. it is just the sheer fact that I am trans. and I can never change that. I will always be trans. I will always have this secret to hide. I will always be at risk in public gendered spaces. and even just the general public now. i don't even really have genital dysphoria, most of my dysphoria is social now that I've transitioned to the point of passing. but I still feel that I'm easily clockable. people default to they/them for me quite often. I have to assert that I'm "just a guy" when asked my pronouns and they still question it. it sucks bc I LIKE being androgynous. I LIKE feminine expression and makeup and interesting outfits. in a vacuum, I look the way I've always wanted to, gender presentation-wise. but when I go in public I just have this deep sense of shame for the way I look and present.

and it's so present everywhere. obviously the internet is a cesspool of disgusting individuals but I get hate online about my appearance almost every day, mainly on Instagram bc I'll leave comments on other posts and people will reply and say inflammatory shit to me. and it's always something like "of course you look like that." it's hard to just ignore when it's happening constantly. like yeah man I look like a raging faggot queer. sorry! what do you want me to do about that like I hate myself too but I can't help the aesthetics and styles I'm into. I think if I dressed like a normie and took my piercings out and got a boring hair style and color I'd find myself grotesquely ugly. when I'm alone in my house, I feel so good about myself all dolled up like a goth drag queen. but I almost never go out in public like that, and I NEVER go out like that alone. im too fucking scared. like that time we made the stupid decision to walk through a neighborhood at night to the gay club and a truck of drunk cunts followed us screaming slurs at us and it was terrifying.

idk. to me my gender and my presentation are intrinsically linked. I know not everybody feels that way but telling me that my presentation doesn't equal my gender doesn't help me at all bc my presentation is a representation of my gender identity to me. that's why I'm a hairy faggot with a gay curly mustache and wear cunty outfits. I NEED to present the way I feel inside, and I feel like a drag queen. and as a trans man people don't fucking get it. bc why would you transition to a man just to dress up like a huge raging faggot in glitter and makeup?? they don't get that masculinity can be so many different things and look so many different ways. I feel in my heart like I'm just a cis gay man but obviously I'm not bc I was born with a coochie. it would just make more sense for me if I was cis. even if I was a cis woman I think I could pull that off better. but I tried to be a cis woman and that shit was boring and sad and made me suicidal.

there is no real conclusion to this. just hate being trans

[dandelionandkrindle]

posting this here under a cut instead of on r/trans where it probably should be (but i can't stand reddit), in the vague hopes someone can give me some kind of advice.

so my gf is currently transitioning and has basically told me that she doesn't feel like she should be dating anyone while she's experiencing intense gender dysphoria and related depression. she's just started hrt this month but probably won't be able to afford and schedule her surgeries for another couple of months at least. she's also not publicly out (just to friends and family but her family is....not great about it) and i know she's scared to be out because where she currently lives isn't a safe country for trans people (which is like an oxymoron but some places are Worse y'know).

we're still in contact but she's slowly shut down more and more and thinks that she's dragging me down or holding me back from being with someone better (even though i've assured her that's not the case). i've always been super affirming regarding her appearance and that helped initially but it's at a point where she just doesn't believe me and then she feels bad for that. she also completely refuses financial help and says it makes her feel like a burden etc. right now i'm just sending the occasional supportive text, i don't want to smother her, but i do worry she'll cut me off completely out of some misguided idea that i'm better off without her.

i've been educating myself as much as possible on transitioning and dysphoria, i wrote her a list of things she might like to try even just at home like femme outfit ideas, hairstyles, makeup tips etc. things that might give her those more euphoric moments. i've sent her flowers, bought her 'feminine' gifts, talked about braiding her hair, going shopping with her etc. all the stuff i know she's sad she missed out on from being closeted. but it's really hard in a long-distance relationship to help her in a more material way. she won't be able to move until the end of this year at least and i guess i'm scared abt what might happen in that time.

i told her i'm happy to wait, months, or years even, until she feels ready to be with me. it doesn't matter because it feels like i've been waiting my whole life for her, what's a couple of years compared to that. i just don't know what else i can do in the meantime, short of getting on a plane and being there for her irl for a few days or a week at least but she completely shut that idea down and i know she's scared that i'm not going to enjoy being with her in person especially when she hates herself so much right now.

which is ????? to me. she's so sweet and kind and she's said the most insanely romantic things to me, she's clever and funny (my lil comedian fr) and she looks like a fucking model LIKE it's honestly incomprehensible that a girl like this calls herself trash. but at the same time, i know from childhood trauma and years of depression/suicidal ideation how easy it is to hate every part of yourself to the point you wish you were never born. and that makes my heart ache for her so much and makes me wish i could help even more. i just feel like i need direction, am i doing the right things could i be doing more is being here for her enough. i just don't know.

[wellthatwasaletdown]

I've read hilarious tags to a tweet (that was posted on tumblr): Don't think Harry Styles likes dressing like that. Looks miserable in pics. Probably is like hey man can I wear a suit or something. maybe a big t-shirt Pete Davidson gets to wear big stinky shirts. And his handler is like nah you're a fake gay guy gotta wear fake gay guy clothes

The tags (and some replies): -he exists so straight people can be allies without actually being allied to any queer people /hj -Hey yeah the issue is not that he isn't wearing ""man clothes"" the issue is that he looks like shit and it feels incredibly performative to everyone except you fans. -the issue is that his music is bad. if he was putting out bangers no one would gaf how he looks. You know who never got this kind of reaction for wearing a dress? kid cudi. cause man puts out bangers -its what happens when you only achieve level of solo fame by being part of a wattpad ship -I just saw you rb the diamond jumpsuit and he looks so uncomfortable it gave me sympathetic dysphoria. Like legitimately he looks like he's desperately closeted, but like for cishet people. He looks like want transphobes think we do to people. Like those shitty alt right political cartoons of like 'in 2030 everyone will be forced to be queer at gunpoint'. Lazer sniper sight glinting off his diamanté encrusted extra nipple -sure he's fighting gender norms but the gender norms are winning -he looks like a very boring conservative man's idea of a gay man. Like whatever he's made some good music and he seems like an alright person. But I cannot find it in me to be happy for him. He looks manufactured -Literally like you look at the photos of 70's glam rock stars and like. Not only are they rocking it but they seem to be beyond comfortable in it in that 'this is me' way. Styles looks as if he'd kill for a pair of khakis and a hoodie -Dude the logic around Harry has fully switched. First it's 'oh no management isn't allowing him to be gay' and now it's 'omg he's acting gay only because his pr team told him to -Why do Harry Style stans try to suck your eyes out of your skull if you criticize him? Celebrity culture makes me wanna self immolate lol I am saying that's just him trying to be more special than his designated bland pop singer for straight girls niche


Said in a server last night he looked like he just came in straight from a cke binge. Then said he looked like that hairy pink dancing creature with that silver look 😭 
He just always looks like sht man…you're rich. I know you can afford to challenge gender roles and dress well Wearing the ugliest rompers w his nips out just aint cutting it


LMAO he looks SO sad in the diamond jumpsuit people have been comparing it to their pre transition pics

-fake pretentious c*nt. *untalented -he really is just some guy being forced to be a gay icon mf showed up looking like a batman villain -Nah i was directioner and harry biased then and he always dresses like that. But yeah i agree his stylists and producers say for him to exaggerate and pretend he is the modern david bowie when in fact he is just a boyband soloist lmao hes in my top 5 on spotify for the past million years TWO THINGS CAN BE TRUE

-if 2021 target pride collection was personified.

-this is exactly how my 62 y/o mom talks abt him lmaoooo. Liike she HATES him she thinks he’s a total phony and finds him an insult to the lgbt community#best ally tbh gotta love her

-I've literally been saying this like he’s just doing this for the money but for how long 😭😭 -ite transtrender but for gay people

-ok. there was this huge ass paper thing full of his new cd in the middle of my favourite record shop. Making the already small store even more cramped. so fuck him#there you go i <3 being a hater

-he’s literally not gay. if he was i’d become homophobic

(Sorry if some of them are too rude, I have hard time discerning bc I don't speak to many people on the internet and don't know fully what's the proper etiquette)

.

[burning-sol]

yeah i feel like i have to put this post under a cut. cw for talking about ed in relation to kian stone

i hate that i stare at kian stone and am always thinking to myself "that guy got an ed" but i dont feel like i can say it aloud because i dont wanna make ppl uncomfortable. but like i cant be the only one, right? someone else definitely taken a good look at that guy and had the exact same thought as me.

i dont even know how to talk abt it. its so sad. kian loves when people are just themselves, he's always telling people they're perfect just the way they are. he loved becky just the way she was. he loved rand just the way he was. he loved rolan just the way he was. but as much as kian wanted to embrace the message he was trying to put out there, there was always the nagging negative voice in his head telling him he needed to look a certain way. it didn't help that he was already dealing with gender dysphoria.

kian is such an open book usually but it was one of the few things he couldn't admit to anyone. he would rather pretend everything is fine and normal than admit he spends an unhealthy amount of time agonising over his own appearance. over what he eats. it's humorous but also deeply depressing that kian would rather you find his stash of pornos than his magazines with tips and tricks to get the perfect body. and he can't help it but there's times where he sits alone in his room, no one else around, and just cries to himself because he can't look the way he wants to.

everyone considers kian stone attractive and fun but he himself can't look in the mirror because he is constantly agonising over how he looks. also insert issues of him pulling out his own hair and picking at his skin.

[thymechaos]

alright gotta get the rest of this off my chest, so here are the cliff notes of the essay i was yelling at my wife from the bathroom at 5:30 this morning

1. obviously this is where he meets zoro’s trauma from patriarchy and cisnormativity coming the other way.

zoro has also seen that this shit kills. like sure they said it was an accident, but the bystanders at the funeral literally point out how fucking WEIRD it was that kuina would be be carrying those swords down the stairs for no reason. so either it was an attempt to pull a sabo and get the fuck out with those swords, or - more likely, because swords don’t fucking unsheathe themselves that easily and a skilled fighter would know better than to carry an unsheathed blade down the stairs, or indeed to unsheathe it at all unless in combat - the harm was self-inflicted. was it suicide, or a horribly sad reaction to the implied dysphoria in the previous scene with zoro? who knows, but his friend died regardless.

so he sees sanji acting all weird around women and he’s instantly like wtf is wrong with you, why can’t you just treat women as people, don’t you know the harm you are doing? he sees someone who makes a big show of not raising a hand to women, and treating them as perfect paragons who can do no wrong, and what he hears is kuina’s words about being inherently weaker, the resentment at the perceived pity, that helplessness in the face of a life inevitably diminishing.

meanwhile sanji is faced with the obvious disdain from a tough guy who fights with swords and he’s instantly defensive. because yeah, this is how the world works. men like zoro look down on him because just like his brothers and father, they think he’s not a Real Man. if he backs down, he'll be a target, he'll be weak again, he'll be right back where he started again and he does not want to.

obviously they get to know and respect each other and learn that it's not that simple, but not until the dynamic is firmly established, and they're both too proud to actually acknowledge that they were wrong abt each other.

2. and then luffy. oh god luffy. another guy, so he's wary, but then this unhinged little ray of sunshine instantly zeroes in on his art, his passion, the thing other men either disdain or see as mostly utilitarian... and he unreservedly tells him how good it is. there is no condescension, no pretense, no grudging acknowledgement that he's not too bad for a useless brat, because god forbid men just compliment each other. just wow, you're so fucking cool, your skill has incredible worth, your dream is precious and important, I see your kindness and your caring, and I want you.

for the first time, another man takes the part of sanji that he has tried so desperately to protect at all costs, the part that matters most to him despite being devalued and underplayed at every turn, and he says that this? this is exactly what I've been looking for.

poor man didn't stand a chance.

3. sanji's fucking sister. a perfect portrait of a woman who plays along with patriarchy in the desperate hope of being spared by it. she projects a persona that lands right between a tradwife and Not Like The Other Girls. she laughs along with the cruelty, she embodies everything they want her to be, she gives up her agency in return for safety. she shows kindness through the mitigation of male violence, not by openly rebelling against it. she hates it and it hurts her, but since she feels powerless to stop it, she might as well benefit from it.

4. related to this, viola. no fucking wonder sanji unflinchingly believes that she is in fact a victim, that she does need help, even though she immediately went “PSYCHE, i was playing you, get wrecked”. because he’s met his fucking sister and he can recognize the coping mechanisms.

5. gender, man. it’s complicated. because all this is obviously related to his reactions to people who challenge the gender binary. and yeah there are some Choices made in the writing there that are not always fantastic, bc oda is confused but he’s got the spirit? but also… haha we literally see Iva weaponize dysphoria in a fight, we see the baseline for how a cis dude reacts when suddenly forced into a woman’s body. sanji’s reaction is… not that. like even before they know wtf is going on or if there is EVER going to be a way to reverse it? he doesn’t show the SLIGHTEST discomfort, not even a little bit. he’s unequivocally delighted, it’s the best day of his fucking life. make of that what you will.

6. bro no seriously, the queer coding. like they hide him away and pretend he’s dead? and then they let him leave provided he never shames them with his existence? and the found family? and the LITERAL REJECTION OF A HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE IN FAVOR OF THIS FOUND FAMILY? the sheer ROMANCE of sanji being told that he has to come back; that the feeling, kind, caring person he is at heart is integral not just to his own dreams, but to luffy’ was well? What The Fuck.

i am not okay. i’m never going to be okay again. this shit is in my brain and in my emotions and i can’t deal.

i just can't believe that oda fucking create sanji, a stereotypical ladies man who simps to an embarrassing degree for women while having his hackles comically raised around everyone he perceives as a man - and most notably butting heads with the more obvious ~manly man~ of the crew. haha, classic anime running gag, the kind that gets obnoxious at times but still makes you laugh.

AND THEN, like a billion chapters later, motherfucker steeples his fingers and goes "soooooooo... what makes a person Like That?"

and the answer is that he grew up in fucking Toxic Masculinity, The Kingdom. the answer is that he was always Different, in a way other guys instinctively perceived as weak, and that made him the target of visceral scorn and violence. the answer is that he was sensitive, sweet, caring, nurturing - feminine-coded traits which are only valued by patriarchy insofar that they're performed by women in service of men. the answer is that in a kingdom comprised almost entirely by violent men, the only ones who were ever kind to him, the only safety he ever had, were a girl and a woman.

so cooking is for women and servants, it makes you less of a man. only women will ever really value you for your passions and dreams. women are also actively hurt by the way the world works, they are unsafe unless they comply with men's violence, and you have to protect them.

(men will always know what you are, and they will hurt you if you let them.)

and even after he leaves... at baratie he is cherished and respected, but even that is an extremely masculine environment. we don't talk about our feelings, we don't let our guard down, the only love is tough love. when he tries to express his artistry and express himself through his cooking, rather than just filling orders and making money, he gets mocked.

so here is a man who will not raise a hand to a woman, because he rejects the masculinity he was raised with and refuses to become yet another man subjecting women to violence. he is desperate for women's attention and affection because it's SAFE, it's the only kind he can trust. other men are potential threats and must be treated as such. he must at all times be snarky, tough, Not Feminine, because to be perceived otherwise is to be powerless, to be hurt.

like y'all. the queer coding of it all? the overtly feminist themes? the active rejection of toxic masculinity and the way it's shown to be directly tied to imperialism? what the fuck.

[intergalactic-chameleon]

gender stuff once again

SOOO ive finally come full circle and am now considering hypothetically one day getting top surgery (if not just breast reduction) and maybe also going on T at some point.

literally about a year ago when i was discussing gender with my roommate at the time, she asked me if i would consider getting top surgery after i told her that i was going to get a binder just to “try it out” and see “how it feels.”

i thought abt it, but told her “no, not really” because my boobs had never rly bothered me before and they made me feel “more like an adult” (im really short and tiny and would occasionally get mistaken for being a teenager rather than someone in their twenties, so my boobs were often the one age indicator for people). besides, they also made me feel attractive - i had long, wavy hair and taking topless photos of myself was a hobby of mine because i just looked fucking good. ultimately, my tits, which have always been somewhat disproportionally big (i think im a 34D), helped feel me more feminine and sensual as i grew up. though i definitely had a hard time trying to find cute tops that fit me and give me enough support sans bra, i still built a good wardrobe of interesting feminine clothing that i really enjoyed.

but despite all of this, i still wanted to try out something different. at the time last year, i had only just begun to think about being more transgressive with my gender presentation. i had realized that i wanted a shorter, boyish haircut (specifically to look like steve harrington) and kind of started to wear less feminine clothing overall. i also was discovering how attracted i was to men in an undeniably queer (ie. faggy) way, which further propelled me to explore masculine identity even more.

anyway, i was prolonging ‘the big chop’ until after my sister’s october wedding, so i began to grow my facial hair out in order to grow more comfortable with gender non conformity. and to my surprise, my mustache became very noticeable and at some point i realized that i could genuinely grow a little baby chin beard. ofc, by the time of the wedding, i shaved all that off, but went right back to growing it out.

then, the big day: i got my first ever short cut in january. it was shorter than i was expecting, but i immediately felt something shift. i started to feel a lot more confident and got tons of affirming compliments from loved ones about how well it fit me. i also finally felt comfortable enough to dress more “masculinely” and my facial hair didnt make me feel ratty and unkempt anymore; it just fit.

in the coming months i continued to feel more confident and expressed myself more openly around my peers. additionally, a lot of my trans peers started identifying me as trans (which was honestly very validating because i kinda felt like i couldnt loudly identify as trans unless other ppl saw me that way). thus, ever since i’ve been thinking about myself as a trans person and continuing to develop my identity around that.

however, now that ive been actively presenting more masculine/andro for about 6 months now, ive now run into several things about my appearance that i kinda struggle with, such as my height, my shoulder width, my small little arms, fussing with my hair, and of course, my chest. and so i now have this conundrum where im not necessarily experiencing intense gender dysphoria that leaves me feeling depressed, but i have this voice in my head that’s just like “hm, yknow, it’d be nice to maybe not have my tits” bc i’d really like to show off my chest / torso but my tits are so big that it’s distracting !!! and if im binding then i cant rly show off anyway…

so tl;dr: my tits dont make me hate myself but they’re getting on my nerves bc i feel like i’d be hotter without them but that doesnt feel like a good enough reason to gather all the resources needed to obtain a reduction/removal !!!! i also get sad thinking abt how pretty n feminine i used to look and how getting my tits altered (and/or if i went on a low dose of T) would make it hard for me to “return” to how i used to look … idk. how do i find out what i truly want for myself….

[xumoonhao]

now that im an adult and am over a decade removed from some of the Worst years of my childhood/adolescence, i genuinely did experience so much gender dysphoria. like whyd i have to go through that at such a young age!!! i was a child

[sureuncertainty]

being nonbinary really fucking sucks sometimes, and other than the fact that we’re cooler and sexier than everyone else, it’s kind of a bum deal :////

[ironmandeficiency]

a para i work with decided to go out of her way to tell me how much she doesn’t like my haircut

[shaftking]

https://pixiedustystuff.tumblr.com/post/694135282936758272/tw-trans-issues-body-dysphoria-and-bad

if u havent heard abt what this is refering to: basically hunter schauffer commented "!!!!" on a transmed post about how dysphoric people should be the face of the trans community instead of nondysphoric enbies (which. duh) and got a Ton of backlash because those types cant stand not being the center of the conversation

anyways- i hate this idea of like "middle upper class white trans women are the only ones who would ever need to transition, and theyre actually shitty terrible greedy people for not wanting to hsve to pay the whole thing out of pocket!!!1!1!1" like holy shit that was such a stupid as take i could barely finish the whole thing💀 its also so infuriating that these people genuinely dont consider the people that literally "unalive" themselves every fucking day because their dysphoria is that severe but they cant put themselves into thousands and thousands of dollars of debt. its just so self centered and idiotic that they cant even manage to consider how many lives would be saved if actual dysphoric trans people could safely transition because theyre too focused on making sure every nondysphoric assigned gender presenting enbie on this planet is palleted to 24/7

I think I heard something about this, yeah.

The fact that these people are seemingly incapable of stepping back and realizing that people who are actually struggling, which includes trans people who have or are receiving medical treatment, should be the focus and not how they’ve decided to stack the progressive pyramid this particular day of the week.

It’s really sad to me that what is basically a milquetoast take from less than a decade ago from a trans person who knows what it’s like to live and be out as as trans is being taken as this radical attack by people who very clearly need to understand that they are the problem.

It reminds me of that Blaire white clip from a few (?) years ago where she was on a trans interview panel and the moderator was putting the feelings of some sensitive nonbinary person as their priority while shutting down Blaire who was just stating objectively that she didn’t think that calling yourself nonbinary made you trans.

Guess I’ll have to pull out this classic again:

[neon--nightmare]

How can a parasite devoid of all true emotions, only capable of emitting false personas taken from culture, consider themselves any gender identity?

Just because he has been called a he, and they have been called they, it doesn't define any gender. Sure, he can mean male, but they is used to define when you're unaware of someone's gender, so you use it to be respectful; it does not denote gender.

It is actually kind of disrespectful to people who are transgender, given that a "funky colourful skeleton" suddenly meaning transgender is rather offensive.

b. bro. I’M trans. i’m literally transgender, nonbinary transmasc, and have identified as such since i was ten or eleven? i’ve been diagnosed w gender dysphoria, i’ve been on T, and i plan to get top surgery in the future! I’m trans. (ofc those things aren’t necessary to be trans, but this is for my credibility on your end)

i say fresh is trans because he’s a very personal character to me, so i project that on him, and it makes me happy. i wasn’t born yesterday, man, i know the issue w the entire ‘nonhuman = nonbinary’ thing, bc, again, i’ve IDed as nb for almost ten years, and i would have when i was even younger if i knew the label existed! i wasn’t the one that created fresh or made the decision for him to be explicitly NB/agender, but it’s very personal to me as someone with the same label, so i’m reclaiming it. putting the rest under a readmore bc its long, and this ^ was the most important part imo

to me, it’s like someone who very closely identifies with mewtwo talking abt mewtwo being nonbinary. is mewtwo completely nonhuman and divorced from the human concept of gender? yes! but actual nonbinary people can see themselves in him, even with the negative connotations (that, again, has been a big issue in media for decades,) and reclaim it for themselves. it’s different than someone who isn’t trans or nb calling an alien or robot character nb, because we have the genuine lived experience, and if it makes us happy to do so, especially with such few nb characters in non-niche media that ARE actually human/aren’t some boy/girl fusion, i, personally, don’t see much of a problem with it.

i don’t joke about fresh being nonbinary because he’s a ‘funky colorful skeleton,’ i do it because 1. he’s a character that’s been explicitly identified as agender, 2. i’m agender and 3. he’s a character that’s very, very very personal to me, and it makes me happy to project my experience on him. obviously, he’s not trans, he’s a body-hopping parasite. but it’s something that brings me comfort and makes me happy, man, and that’s why i talk abt it, not bc hes the pinnacle of agender or aroace representation. (which, im also aroace! triple a, etc.)

it’s like how i personally project a lot of my autistic experiences on him, because even though he was never designed as autistic and it would be very harmful if he WAS, i see a lot of myself and my own experiences of completely missing social cues, not being able to truly understand or guess why others react the way they do to things so you come up w 1000 scenarios in your mind to ‘prepare’ before every conversation, and how once hes able to feel it leads to immense constant anxiety, the way letting urself actually feel is so so overwhelming and even tho it’s not healthy its easier to just bottle! was it intended to be that deep? no, but i still reclaim it, bc im just some guy on the internet who likes fresh way too much.

(I’m assuming you came here from my dumb fresh iceberg post, he is actually capable of more than anger and fear after loveball, he can feel joy, love, sadness, but he crushes all of it down because 1. allowing himself to feel those things will get him killed and replaced! by someone better. 2. he has extremely negative connotations with letting himself feel after a series of extremely traumatic events, (somethin else that’s also very very personal to me, and why loveball has been so important to me for years, but that’s another story i’m not goin to go into, esp not here!) especially since it would just lead to a future of horrible breakdowns and 3. his lifestyle and sense of purpose relies on not feeling. on convincing himself he’s still a hollow shell. in his mind, it’s his purpose, it’s the reason he was created. and if he ‘falls’ to the level of all the people he mocks and manipulates for feeling, than what is he?) fresh presents himself as an empty shell, even to himself, but after loveball, he isn’t. but he needs to be, so he lies to himself and tells himself that he’s fine. fresh doesn’t believe he deserves any kind of kindness or redemption. he can’t understand any of it directed at him. hes not just an empty shell or reflection of his surroundings, but he WANTS to be. bc its easier man! it’s less painful! but he cant go back to what he was!

ironically, to me, hes a very human character, while also being so fundamentally alien, he makes sense to me. ofc im not sadistic and i dont purposefully torture people for a living, but! hopefully this makes any sense. i didn’t pull any of this out of nowhere, and i can grab receipts off the top of my head if u need them bc i have so much pointless fresh lore memorized down to the wording (like how i remembered the wording for one of the asks was agendered instead of agender, it’s that bad. i have the Burden of knowledge)

[kitzbin]

so basically hi, i’m nat. i’ve been having some major dysphoria and it isn’t going to well especially since it’s mixed in with my depression and anxiety. i’ve been trying to research what i’ve been feeling lately and i don’t know what to do because i always try to reason with myself and convince that i couldn’t be that. i’ve been struggling with myself for a bit, but now that i’m in school it’s hit harder.

i came out as non binary like maybe half a year ago, and i’ve been having thoughts like i want to be a boy who falls in love with another boy, i want to like a boy like i am one and i want to experience everything as a boy. i already dress more masc, and not fem anymore. i don’t even wear makeup anymore because i feel trapped and it doesn’t feel like me. i used to objectify myself and be hyper feminine because i wanted to be seen and wanted i guess lol. i honestly just want to look like a boy and be one, but i also feel like maybe i don’t fit that criteria. like i don’t think i’m valid, and that if i use he/him it’ll sound weird for me. i’ve been searching up trans masculine and i think i might fit that but i don’t necessarily feel comfortable using he/him either, maybe because i’m not used to it? i also don’t get offended when people misgender me, but it does get a little sad for me, like i have to accept it. at the same time, maybe i’m actually gender fluid, but i don’t really feel like a girl but i still want that to be apart of me? anyways, please help, i need some advice or have someone to talk to abt it.

[dughole]

putting under the cut bc its too long..... .. ,...,. please share opinions and thoughts and opinions i am struggling.

does any other trans ppl like closeted or otherwise feel very alienated by ppl who r nb but it’s unclear whether they consider themselves trans or not. like obvi understanding if ur trans is an intimate process and it’s one that no one else is entitled to, but like, none of us lives in a vaccuum and regardless of whether ur experiencing interalized transphobia or ur just a bigot like - ur still affecting other ppl? i am having the problem of. there r people in my life who r using indicators of transness via their pronouns - but, they turn around and say really horribly physically transphobic stuff/they date someone who says those kinds of things/won’t call them out on it until another trans person does/they turn down active opportunities to be referred to by the correct pronouns by their family.. like these ppl can’t even say the word trans, or they can’t even like. be nice to me if they know i am trans. like i came out to an ex friend in order to tell them they were being transphobic towards myself and my ex, and they just .. stopped talking to me despite promising they were going to consider how badly their biases contribute to like. transphobic violence. and they don’t even make themselves open to criticism for transphobia most of the time like. r y’all having problems with that. like with cis nb ppl or otherwise. am i evil for feeling very bad and confused by that kind of behavior. like. i do not think these ppl r lying or scheming and transness isn’t defined by pain and i hate the stupid idea of “transtrenders” like that’s fake and who knows where these ppl will end up knowing abt themselves like it’s not my job to determine that. like, I will believe what you tell me about urself full stop and I am not going into it with skepticism. but. i am.. still having problems. like u r trying to detach urself from the gender binary but u r also asking people what’s in their pants and violating my sexual experiences bc of the trans aspect of them. and associating penises with ur sexual trauma to the end that u r making really shitty comments abt trans ppl in ur life. help. like it is starting to get to a point where ppl in my life will come out as nb while refusing to touch the concept of transness w a ten foot pole and i feel. alienated and sad instead of connecting with them on like, oh you also feel very alienated and disconnected by ur agab. like i feel like. this is a problem and a trend but it is hard to identify bc its nebulous like. this may not apply to u and ignore it if it doesn’t but if u R cis i think you should like. know u r cis and know what that means. and obvi like, being cis is a complicated thing too like bc a lot of ppl experience gender legitimization! and bc the line between cis and trans is blurry sometimes, but like! i feel like. everyone is responsible to know how they wield the biases that r inherent to society, like r u wielding it inwards at urself or at other people.. like maybe whether or not u know or consider urself cis is whatever but u should know if u r trans or not for the sake of urself and others. I do not know. transmedicalism is evil and im someone who has a very complex view of my tr*nsness esp. bc i am closeted in many parts of my life and im not in a safe circumstances. but like, i guess i do feel alienated by ppl who r using the same langauge as me but also, like, actively harming me and ppl i love, and like, make me feel weird for wanting surgery and to look different. like i dont think, transness is defined by dysphoria, its fucked up to think that!!!! is what i am saying making sense.!!!! I feel like ive seen similar thoughts expressed by other trans ppl like many trans women hav been like. guys i know ur all for "dont assume peoples genders its fucked up and bad" but also, when a trans woman presents femininely and like. isnt presumed a woman under those same guidelines by other queer ppl at best it makes them feel insanely unwelcome in their own community and at worst it actively gets them killed or assaulted like. problems !!! i am struggling to know how to talk about this

and i feel like it is just in my head.. am . i . crazy. am i hateful and evil and projecting.

[transxfiles]

y’all i cannot express in words how excited i am for the new lumberjanes show to come out. 

i know a lot of folks on tumblr are hearing abt lumberjanes for the first time through the news tv show, but it’s based on a bunch of comics by lgbt creators, and those comics have helped me work through so much difficult stuff, and i don’t think it’d be a stretch to say that lumberjanes (and the current fandom around it) has actually saved my life. 

lumberjanes is a comic about a bunch of girls who go to a summer camp and solve mysteries and fight monsters and just hang out together and are best friends, and i love it so much. right off the bat, two girls are lesbians in a loving, healthy, caring relationship. the camp director is a butch lesbian. another girl is trans and her arc has nothing to do with being trans - she’s just one of the girls, and she’s trans too, and it’s part of her identity but she never experiences suffering around it. later on she helps a young nonbinary character realize that they’re nonbinary, and then the nonbinary character gets to join the girls at camp, and they’re so much happier there. there’s an entire section of panels about pronouns, but it’s juts a casual discussion, where one girl says, “what’re pronouns” and another says, “oh, they’re just words we use to describe ourselves, like ‘he/him’ and ‘they/them’ and ‘she/her’” and then the nonbinary character says “i'd like to use they/them pronouns please” and everyone accepts them. there are so many characters of color. there are so many diverse family groups (something we see in an arc where all of the parents get to visit their kids at camp for a day) including a girl who only has a mom, and a girl who has two dads, and a girl who has a mom and a dad and whose abuela lives with her family, and big families and small families and lots of siblings and only children. 

and lumberjanes is so sweet. it’s complex and well-written and absolutely hilarious, but it’s also so sweet and kind and soft and reading it feels like being hugged and handed a plate of homemade cookies. it’s about friendship and the complexities that entails. the entire motto fo the camp the girls go to is ‘friendship to the max’ and the story reflects that. and the girls get to be loud and goofy and wacky and wild, which is something we don’t see a lot in media. and they get to be soft and scared and sad, too, and then they get to grow from these experiences, and they get to learn and explore and be free. and that’s something i'd never really seen before, not represented in such an honest way. reading lumberjanes set me free. i found these comics in early middle school, when i was going through a really hard time both socially and with my own personal identity. i live in the bible belt, and i go to a school that isn’t accepting of lgbt kids at all. i'd recently been outed to my grade as lesbian by one of the girls in half of my classes, and in the meantime i was also dealing with my own personal gender struggles, specifically waves and waves of dysphoria that i was having a hard time understanding and defining, because i knew i didn’t want to be a girl or a boy, but i had no idea what that meant, and i had no idea that there was a third option, or a fourth option, or a fifth option, or thousands of options, because i didn’t really get the fluidity of gender, yet, and i didn’t understand that i could apply it to myself. but then i saw the characters in lumberjanes, i saw girls who loved girls and were proud of it, so incredibly proud of it, i saw kids who were realizing they didn’t identify with the gender binary and that they didn’t have to, and i do truly think that saved me. because there was a time when i was considering just ending it because i didn’t understand. and then i read lumberjanes, and it saved me.

and those are just the comics - the current fandom surrounding them has been so loving and caring and supportive of me ever since i joined it. we’re small - there’s only maybe forty of us, and the number of us who are actually content creators is so much smaller. when i first joined the fandom, we only had maybe twenty fics on ao3. now we have 93. i’m proud to say i’ve written fifteen of those, and i'm so, so happy to have found and talked with the people who’ve written the other 78. last year, when i started engaging with other lumberjanes fans online through tumblr, discord, and even the ao3 comments section, i was going through a really difficult time at school. it was my first year in high school and it was like the homophobia and transphobia were amped up to 200%, and people who i thought loved me left me, and so many of my closest friends had to leave the school to save themselves, and i felt so incredibly alone. so i said “fuck it” and i made a discord account and i started talking to some people i’d spent years admiring from afar. i spent hours goofing around with them, discussing fan theories and fanfiction and working through my personal life with them by my side. now, i consider them my friends. and i’ve picked myself back up again. i've figured myself out, for the most part, and i've got new friends and i’m staying in touch with old ones, and school is still awful now and again, but i have people who have my back. they saved me, and i don’t know if they know it, but they did. this fandom saved me. i love them so much. 

now, the lumberjanes show is coming out, and i'm so incredibly excited. the comics are niche. they don’t reach as many people. i know so many kids who are intimidated by comics, but don’t really know where to start, or who want to read them, but are scared their parents could find them. i understand that struggle. hiding a book is hard. you have to look for a space that you know no one can get to, under a bed or in a closet or in plain sight, with the cover of another book slipped over it. and so often, the risk isn’t worth it.

but hiding a bootlegged file of a tv show? that can be so much easier. 

i'm so excited to hear that noelle stevenson and possibly even other lumberjanes creators are going to be working on this show. i think that it will change lives, like the comics changed my lives. lumberjanes is a story about girls loving adventure, loving mysteries, loving each other. it’s beautiful and positive and uplifting, and in my case, lifesaving. i urge you all to please check out the comics. you won’t regret it. and please, support the show. 

i, for one, cannot wait to see it.

EDIT: you can 100% reblog this if you want to, whether you’ve read the comics or not!