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itsdrawingmen · 2 months ago

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We need to talk about Zen.

Every character in Mystic Messenger is a tragic one, and the Casual Story trio is often disregarded in that respect. But there is one character for whom I’ve hardly seen it explored at all. Maybe it’s because his route sucks such major ass, or because he’s honestly a bit of an asshole, misogynistic, homophobic, and ableist; or maybe it’s because his trauma is only briefly, fleetingly mentioned, as he and his friends refer to it, and then quickly brush it aside.

Zen Ryu, beautiful, stupid, and self-absorbed, is, on the surface, a perfect comic relief character, a beloved himbo, brash but well-intentioned. And I think this wonderful actor has been playing that role so well that he has fooled everyone, including the fandom.

Some character exploration and the uncropped art under the cut.

It’s no secret that Zen’s selfishness is nothing but a coping mechanism, masking a deep-set fear of inadequacy and paralysing self-doubt. It’s stated explicitly by Ray in Another Story, and it’s pretty evident from the way Zen is quick to worry there’s nothing more to him than his looks.

It’s obvious where he got it, considering how his mother treated him and his passions, and how his brother turned his back on him when he needed him the most. But there are more things I haven’t seen discussed anywhere, and I have a lot of thoughts and headcanons, and simply questions, so let’s start from the very beginning.

It’s made very clear in Zen’s route that his early life was… well, horrible. As early as kindergarten, he started getting singled out for his looks. Strangers kept staring at him and wanting to touch him, which bothered his mother.

Instead of getting on their child’s side, little Hyun’s parents tried to convince him he was ugly, to ‘humble’ him. It’s said that they just wanted him to be successful and to have a stable, secure life. Well, good intentions pave the road to hell, as it’s said. What they got as a result was a child who was harassed and stalked at school and in the streets with no one to confide in but his brother, who didn’t explicitly dismiss it, but still made light of it.

A little interesting point:

Make a note here of the ‘protection’ line, because I will get back to it later.

Anyway, whatever small support and understanding little Hyun’s brother provided him with, it wasn’t meant to last. Zen states that their parents treated them so differently they effectively separated them.

When he entered middle school and found passion for music, what his mother saw was her son turning to a precarious road and basically undermining his future. When she tried to convince him his dreams were stupid, Hyun’s brother took her side, leaving Hyun without the last person in his family who supported him. So little Hyun ran away from home, and thus began the story of Zen.

And here is where things get interesting. Zen left home when he was in middle school. A middle schooler in South Korea is anywhere between 12 and 15 years old. And a person living on their own must eat something and sleep somewhere. But here’s the catch: you can only rent if you are at least 19 (I’m assuming, Korean-19, so 18), and you can technically work part-time jobs starting at 13, but you need parental permission for that. And for any full-time job you must be 18. And this is the first big question with no easy answer: how did little Hyun survive after he left home? Where did he live, and what did he eat?

We can assume that for a while, he stayed with his friends, whom he for some reason tried to hide from his parents.

However, it would have been problematic for him to make it a long-term arrangement. If his friends were teenagers like him, their parents would be likely to tell his family where he was so that they would come collect their son. And if the friends were older and employed, it’s doubtful they would be well off enough to host a dependent long-term, unless there was something sinister going on. So the question remains: where did he live and what did he eat?

He mentions part-time jobs and extortion as sources of income, he worked night shifts to make ends meet, and there are also the mysterious 'bad things' that we will get back to later. But there are more variables here than just money.

Well, as far as I can tell, the answer to that is right here:

And now, I want you to stop for a moment and think about what this implies.

A child in his early teens (I like to assume 13-14), and a very pretty child at that, with a history of harassment that was never addressed, let alone stopped, finds himself on the street (at this point, we can presume: homeless and hungry). And he catches the eye of gangsters. Perhaps it’s my fresh experience watching ‘Banana Fish’ speaking (definitely not, I've had this conviction basically since I saw 'bad things' mentioned), but I want to really ask you: what do you think gangsters are likely to do with a beautiful and vulnerable young boy, besides use him for petty crimes Zen admits on the screens above? What 'bad things' could he have been forced to do to survive?

This admission by Zen himself doesn’t help my train of thoughts at all:

Of course, this is said in the context of exploitation at work, but given the gangs and the ‘bad things’, one can’t help but draw a connection.

Besides, this is where that screen I told you to take note of comes into play. Zen says that after middle school, he understood what his parents were trying to protect him from, essentially what dangers being pretty entailed. It couldn’t have been the usual harassment that he had been facing since kindergarten, he would have understood that by then. Another interesting point is that for someone with a gangster past, Zen is suspiciously gender nonconforming in his looks, and mellow in general demeanour. Yes, he’s rough around the edges, he’s homophobic, misogynistic, and foul-mouthed, but he isn’t really violent. Someone who used to fit in with gangs, especially as a youth, I would think, looks and acts differently. And this all takes me to a very grim conclusion: I firmly don’t believe that a good-looking and vulnerable child with no support network and with a history of harassment survived in gangs without being molested or sexually exploited once.

But let’s not delve into my headcanons and continue with the facts we have. These bits and pieces that come together to form a picture of Zen’s teenage years already paint a pretty morbid picture. But he made it big, became an actor, and left it all behind, and he’s happy in the canon timeline, right? Right?!

Wrong.

The most obvious thing is the contents of Zen’s fridge, which Jaehee points out when she goes to see him.

It’s referenced many times in the game, Zen lightheartedly says he often skips meals and in general eats pretty badly, and I think even V refers to it. And it’s easy to chalk it up to his insane diets and the expectations of his body and looks that he has to maintain to stay in the industry. Or, if you are a little like me and like to assume the worst, you can also attribute it to Zen’s borderline self-harming workaholism. But I think there’s a little bit more to it, and the key to it is actually where Zen lives.

I remember being a little confused as to why everyone was surprised that Zen lived in a semi-basement.

But I didn’t give it much thought, after all, semi-basements seem to be cheaper here as well, and Zen’s flat looked pretty nice on CGs (if extremely beige). And it wasn’t until recently when I was talking to a colleague about his friend sharing her experience in Korea that I learned that semi-basements were actually a signature dwelling of the poorest, and seemingly a clearly understandable trope for a Korean. Those semi-basement apartments are often at risk of flooding, which is apparently a well-known fact, and also why they’re supposed to be banned as residential quarters. And, of course, Zen is quick to tell everyone he likes that place with poor ventilation and little sunlight, because it’s Zen, after all. He has that working class mentality because he’s cool, and he likes underground apartments and old tech.

But it seems that the picture of his present life is also pretty grim. Now, I’m not in South Korea, and I know little about how theatre actors are paid there, but I can tell you what I know from several actor/actress friends here in Ukraine: theatre actors aren’t, unfortunately, paid shit. Even the ones you recognise and talk about, working in cool popular theatres, drop over half of their salary to rent a shitty apartment, and are left wondering what they’re going to eat. So it seems pretty likely to me that Zen’s empty fridge, old computer and mp3 player, daily subway commute, and semi-basement apartment all point to one simple fact: he’s simply poor.

And to make it worse, he seems to be extremely lonely.

I’m pretty sure he also mentions isolating himself when he’s feeling bad, but I can’t seem to find screenshots for that anywhere.

All that said, when the fandom looks at Zen, they see a self-absorbed himbo, the ‘don’t kill yourself you so sexy aha’ type of guy. And he is, and I think he’s hilarious, and I’m the first one to laugh at him tbh. But when I look at him for a little longer than a second, I see a young man who has been harassed to hell and back starting as early as kindergarten, who never graduated from school, who ran away from home in his early teens, worked multiple jobs, and still had to resort to crime to make ends meet. I see a young man who was once a vulnerable teen at the mercy of gangsters, who had to learn that all help comes with strings attached. And I see a young man struggling silently with poverty while maintaining a facade of a glamorous and charming actor.

And I think the charming actor has fooled everyone.

#god he breaks my heart #i have extensive headcanons about his teenage life in gangs #and i will talk about them to whoever asks #zen mysme #zen mystic messenger #mysme zen #mystic messenger zen #hyun ryu #ryu hyun #mysme #mystic messenger #mysmes

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manicpixiefelix · 8 months ago

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head, heart, hand. {Felix Catton/Reader/Oliver Quick}

Part 17.

Summary: Learning little things, and big things, on these summer days. About each other, and how the world sees you all, in the garden, in the family room, in hindsight, in the study late at night.

{ masterpost }

Need to Know: They/Them. Explicitly NB Reader. FWB!Reader/Felix. Reader is from a well off family but has pretty much been adopted by the Cattons.

Warnings: reader, felix, venetia, and oliver getting high in the garden together, some degrading language (kind of a given any time venetia and reader are in the same room at this point), heavy discussion about the reader's parental trauma/neglect

A/N: 5812 words. i think i cast venetia in a bad light sometimes which i feel bad about because i love her to pieces, and she and the reader love each other very much its just that she's gotten used to being arguably too verbally prickly with them in order to rile her brother up mostly, and she forgets (and maybe i do too) what that looks like from the outside. anyways, just for absolutely no reason whatsoever, have you ever looked up what different flowers mean in flower language? much to think about.

TAGLIST IN COMMENTS!! // TAGLIST ALWAYS OPEN ! (just message or comment to be added)

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Venetia rolls her joints with little hearts at the end where the filter would go if it were simply a cigarette. It's a trick she learned during what she calls her 'gap year', what Elspeth calls her 'grand wine tour of Europe', and what Felix and Farleigh have recently started cruelly referring to as 'the year Venetia inspired a TV show'. While you do think it's mean, you also quietly agree that Billie Piper bares a striking resemblance to the young Catton woman in the ads you'd seen for Secret Diary of a Call Girl. Cruel implications is all you would say on the matter, not that either of the boys had been game enough to say it to her face.

But the thought floats through your mind in this moment, taking just a moment to admire the way she's expertly curled the paper before you bring it to your lips. She watches you with that smile that tends to intimidate others, sharp and mean and hungry, sharp gaze on your lips as you inhale, lips remaining sealed as you offer the next hit to Felix on your right. Venetia's focus follows the joint, straying from you to admire the way her brother takes a hit before he too passes it on to Oliver.

Felix muses to no-one in particular about how long it's been since he'd been out here to the Fairy Ring Garden, but only gets a response from Oliver, and a strained one at that as your guest holds smoke in his lungs as long as he's able, muttering that it's beautiful. Sitting on the grass in the morning sun, you squint at the iPod in your hands, trying to choose some music.

Venetia suggests Amy Winehouse. Felix calls his sister tragic under his breath, to which she flips him off. Still, it's the best suggestion you've got so far, so moments later, the singer's rich vocals warble out of the little, portable speaker you'd plugged into the headphone port.

"Good dog," Venetia says with a particularly mean sneer in her brother's direction as she takes the iPod out of your hands to place it on the grass, replacing it with the joint you'd all been passing around once more. Out of instinct, you place your free hand on Felix's chest, telling him that whatever reaction he was going to have really wasn't worth it. Venetia rolls her eyes, "boo, you whore," she snarks, laying back on the grass.

"I'm taking the rest of this as compensation for emotional damages," you hold the joint between two fingers, telling Felix to just roll another from the kit still sitting in the middle of the impromptu circle the four of you had made. Much to both yours and Felix's surprise, Oliver moves too quickly to let him, rolling with the air of someone who'd seen it done often without having done it himself.

Both you and Felix watch him for quite a while as he stumbles through the task like a baby deer taking it's first steps. Things are getting fuzzy and warm around the edges already, and you're caught up in watching the way Oliver's hands work.

"Why 'd you put up with her?" Oliver asks bluntly, frowning at his work. Venetia's indignant 'hey' goes otherwise ignored by the three of you and it takes a long moment for Felix to respond.

"She's my sister?" But in his confusion it sounds more like a question, talking about Venetia like she's not even there. But Oliver stops, and finally looks at him; he offers a rather sad looking, clearly unfinished joint, not as an offering but as a silent request for help. Felix takes it and tries not to look too endeared by Oliver's failed attempt as he fixes it.

"Not you, Felix," Oliver, after a moment, looks away from Felix, right to you, eyes wide and earnest as he watches you take a long draft of your own joint, now burned well down. His gaze makes his intentions clear, but still he offers, "she's mean to you too." Too, like he'd pointed out about Farleigh all those months ago.

"They like it," Venetia scoffs at the sky dismissively, but Oliver refuses to acknowledge her, even if Felix takes a moment to scowl at his sister and her constant, casual degradation of you. But a slow, amused smile spreads across your lips in the moments that follow, you can't help it.

"I love that you worry about me, Ollie," you sigh almost dreamily. Clearly not expecting that, you have the pleasure of watching Oliver blush with surprise, "you're so fucking pretty, Ollie," you add, though you're pretty sure you couldn't have stopped yourself from saying that out loud if you tried. He blushes harder, while Felix and Venetia both try and stifle their giggles; you take another hit, tilting your head just a little as you look at him, analysing him. Finally, when you ask his favourite flower out of seemingly nowhere, Oliver seems like he can't function under your gaze like this, and chooses to lay back in the grass, mirroring Venetia.

"Darling, you're such a lightweight," Felix snorts, speaking from the corner of his mouth as he holds the rerolled joint between his lips as if intending to light it. Before he can flick the lighter on, however, you take his chin gently in hand, guiding him to you, pressing the still-glowing end of your own joint to his unlit one for several long seconds, until his caught successfully.

When you and Felix join your companions in laying back on the grass, you do so together. His arm is around you, coaxing you to lay with your head on his chest, beside him under this perfectly blue sky.

"Why would you want to know something like that?" Oliver's voice reminds you he's there only moments later.

"Because their robot brain needs to know everything about everyone at all times," at least Venetia sounds fond when she chimes in, even if her words aren't exactly the most complimentary.

"You're lucky you're pretty, Vee," Felix cuts in with a casually cruel tone; you can feel the way he twitches with irritation, "because you have so few other redeeming features."

"I am pretty," Venetia agrees airily, pointedly ignoring his insult, "you're such a darling brother, Felix," she adds with painfully sarcastic faux-sweetness. Felix's only response was to sigh with incredibly loud disappointment, while you tried to stifle your giggling, caught up in the sensation of him tracing abstract patterns up and down your arms, and the idea that you could count on the ever-relaxed Felix Catton to always come to your defence. Had this been the case for years? Over a decade? Yes. Would it always make you a little bit giddy to think about? Almost definitely.

"And it's not like I'm wrong," Venetia finally broached the silence once more, "as if they don't already know our favourite flowers," she points out, before making a rather insistent noise. You bark at her command, it seems - those cheerful little yellow ones on the inner ring of flowers - dismissive, but the sound of her scoff has you correcting yourself, suddenly feeling a sting of shame and not quite knowing why.

"The chrysanthemums." The other three echo the name of the flower, one right after the other, all taking turns to turn it over in their minds and mouths as you almost burn your fingers finishing off your joint. As if trying to prove yourself, you add, interrupting them all, "Fi's are forget-me-nots."

Felix seems surprised to agree, like even he'd forgotten that detail about himself, or perhaps forgotten that he'd shared it with you, while Venetia's laughter has turned fond and knowing; it's a little condescending too, like she'd expected as much from you, but you try not to dwell on it. It's Oliver's voice that you focus on, endeared as he quietly murmurs the name of the flower to himself, like he can't quite believe something as soft as Felix having a favourite flower.

"Now I'm curious, Ollie," Felix finally speaks up, and you hear the grass shift beneath his head. He must be turning to look at the man in question, "do you have a favourite flower?" He pauses for a moment, "or is this one of our weird things, like wearing cuff-links to dinner every night?" He tries to play it off, but there's those notes of self consciousness that you're surprised he often gets when talking about tradition around Saltburn.

The grass near Oliver rustles, but your comfort overrides your intrigue to watch him.

"I think it's fox... Something?" Oliver says after a moment, "my favourite flower," he clarifies, "I haven't put much thought into it," he admits. You hum thoughtfully before asking if it could be foxglove. He confirms as much before going quiet.

There's a lull that follows in which Felix asks after Farleigh's whereabouts. Farleigh should be here, your hazy mind immediately chirps, you love Farleigh! Venetia sighs, sounding incredibly put-upon to be explaining that Farleigh was in the computer room, obsessing over his ex-boyfriend's MySpace updates that he'd missed lately. The ones about the tour.

"The guy from that Broadway show?" Felix asks with vague interest.

"No, his ex-girlfriend is touring with that Broadway musical, that he knows about, that he at least pretends he doesn't care about," Venetia corrected, "the ex-boyfriend is that one from that band, the one who wrote that song about him that got nominated for that award?"

"Grammy," you supplied automatically.

"Right," Venetia barely acknowledged you, "anyways, he's on that big, American tour with all those tragic, emo bands that are a big deal, which is apparently news to our dear cousin."

"Is that the one we were all talking about getting tickets to a few months ago?" Felix asks after a moment of silence, patting you on the arm as if his words weren't enough to get your attention. You hum in confirmation.

"I think so; The Warped Tour, we were going to make a vacation of it in LA this summer," you sighed rather forlornly at how the idea never got off the ground, "it was Anabel's idea -"

"- God, she's always been such a groupie for those kinds of boy-band-types -" Felix mutters derisively under his breath as if he hadn't spent the better part of two semesters inviting her to his dorm to listen to him play guitar knowing full well she'd practically be on her knees at the very suggestion. So of course you ignored that aside to finish your explanation.

"- except she turned around and said she hated the line up, when really she didn't want to admit her passport expired and she couldn't be bothered with the paperwork for a new one -"

"Actually," Oliver chimes in, though you're not sure if he was adding to the conversation, or if he'd even been listening, "when I was a boy I got to go to this botanical garden that had all these fancy flowers usually from the rest of the world." Oh. Flowers again? Sure. "There were these ones that got flown in from Australia, and I couldn't help thinking that they weren't worth it to fly all the way over here from Australia. Too long and curly and pointy; pretty, but not the kind that..." something about the way he speaks about the experience, about the flowers, it catches in your mind; Australian, long, curly, pointy, pretty, you tried to commit to memory, "that's worth spending your time on." He clears his throat and his tone seems almost forcibly lighter, "foxgloves are prettier, wouldn't you think? Yeah..."

Silence hangs between you all for several long, pensive moments.

"What colour were they?" You ask softly.

"Foxgloves?" Oliver knows you don't mean the foxgloves. He asks anyways. Everything always for the sake of the act, the pantomime of propriety.

"No."

"Red."

There is no more that needs to be said in the moment, but later you will be grateful when the details stick through the haze of your memories. Through the quiet, Venetia mentions how she misses the purple pincushions, how sweet and strange they were, and how cruel you have been to order the gardeners to prune the flowers before they can ever bloom.

The mere mention of those purple fucking pincushion flowers sours your mood; your one regret amongst your garden, a conceit to Felix that even he wishes he could take back knowing now how much you'd end up hating them. It's been a year since a single purple pincushion has bloomed in your garden, and you've been down here at least once a day all Summer, meticulous, pruning the bulbs yourself with much malice aforethought. Part of you is so filled with fury in this moment that you consider going over and uprooting the plants by hand right now, but Felix's arm around you, Felix's chest, solid and warm beneath your head, Felix's steady heartbeat in your ear, he grounds you.

For now you must simply remain content knowing that none of Eddie's precious, purple pincushions will ever bloom upon the grounds of the Saltburn Estate again.

"Venetia," expression pinched, you address her with far more coldness than you think you've ever directed towards her before, "shut up."

You don't remember when exactly during the day you asked Duncan to fetch you all the botany-related books in the house that made mention of plants native to the Asia-Pacific region. Knowing yourself, and knowing Duncan, however, you're not surprised by the small, neat stack you find the following evening on your desk in the lilac study.

While you fully intended on continuing your trend of wearing something provocative and continuing the pantomime of propriety with Oliver as the two of you had been doing each night for almost a week, Sir James raises the suggestion of a family movie night instead. Felix whines when Venetia and Farleigh champion the suggestion of a scary movie, and pouts when they bully Oliver into agreeing with them.

"Don't ask them," Farleigh groans when you're called upon for your opinion, "they're just going to say whatever Felix said but in a different voice," he rolled his eyes. You and Felix both choosing to flick little pieces of cantaloupe at him from your desserts does nothing but strengthen his argument.

Nobody thinks to ask Poor Dear Pamela her opinion, sitting at the end of the table, looking less than thrilled by the suggestion of The Ring, so everyone else decides that you and Felix are out numbered. On the way back to your rooms to change out of your dinner clothes, Oliver tries to apologise, and Felix tries to pretend that it's fine and he's just putting it on for Venetia and Farleigh and that he absolutely does not have the temperament of a rabbit when it came to anything scary. He is, of course, lying. But Oliver doesn't realise that just yet.

Venetia, always invigorated by a social triumph such as this, and never one to let a well-earned moment of joy pass her by, tucks her arm in Oliver's as the family meets back up in the living room. The moment is not missed by either you or Felix, who both glower at her bold display of affection as she ignores you and pulls Oliver onto the sofa. The large, plush armchair next to the sofa, with it's wide, low arms almost fits both you and Felix, though it's more of a token gesture than anything. No-one is surprised when he pulls you into his lap less than ten minutes after the film begins, arms around you and watching with his chin on your shoulder, ready to hide his face against your shoulder at a moment's notice.

When the film ends and the lights come back on, Venetia finally notices how you and her brother are sitting, and opens her mouth with malicious intent in her eyes.

"Watch it," you warned her before she could say any choice, disparaging remarks, "remember who's kept you off of What Not To Wear the past six years," you remind her; Felix, giving you a little squeeze, levels a smug smile at his older sister over your shoulder. Venetia closes her mouth, expression immediately turning.

"I can't believe they're still making that show," she spits, stalking from the room. Farleigh, finally getting up and stretching, follows her out at a far more relaxed pace.

"I can't believe they're still fighting Y/N to put you on it."

With those two having left, Elspeth and Pamela both give you curious looks, Elspeth asking if it was true. You confirmed as much with a blithe shrug, finally getting to your feet.

"Years ago one of the hosts was trying to track Ven down after seeing her on a red carpet and word got back to dad - or, well, his assistant at the time - and he remembered that I'm pretty close with the Cattons," you gave a humourless smile, offering Felix your hand to help him up from the sofa, which he gladly took, "however Ven was deeply offended when I asked her if she wanted to be on the show," Felix let himself chuckle at that, while Oliver was taking longer to stand, strange look on his face as he listened to you with surprisingly rapt attention.

"And they've been, what, continuing to ask after her even though she's said no?" Elspeth frowned, but you sighed, shaking your head.

"No, apparently Ven sent in a particularly rude letter despite me informing them of her refusal, and now dad's assistants seem to think I'm her agent and I get a call every time the show is threatening to add her photo to a montage of worst-dressed celebrities."

"Didn't she freak out when you refused to get an episode pulled when they actually did it?" Felix snorts, to which you rolled your eyes.

"That's why dad's assistants keep calling me, because of how she reacted to that episode."

You do feel a little bit bad for Venetia in this moment, when you see the resigned disappointment in both her parents' eyes at the story. The rest of you do finally filter out at this point, all heading back to your separate rooms. The walk is quiet for the most part, except for when Oliver, who'd been looking as though he was ruminating very hard on something, looks to you.

"Y/N, what does your dad do for work?"

You know and hate that Oliver sees the moment in which his question makes you uncomfortable, no matter how much you try to not let it, nor how desperately you try to hide it. Shrugging as you desperately shoot for casual, you sigh.

"I'm pretty sure your guess is as good as his," you say blithely, so casually evasive that Oliver doesn't really think to call you out on it before you get to your room. But after you and Felix wish him good night and head into your room, you close the door and slump against it with a heavy sigh. Felix lets you have this moment of respite to yourself, quietly moving about the room, getting ready for bed.

"Do you think they'll even show up?" Finally Felix breaks the silence, and you just make a vague noise, "to the dinners they told mum they'd be at," he clarified after a beat.

"Probably," you muttered, dejected at the prospect as your mind wanders to the couple who reluctantly created you.

"They asked about you," you admit to Felix quietly. From what you can hear, he stops, "mum, specifically," the memory of the phone call with your grandmother burned bright in your mind; it wasn't particularly recent, had happened at the start of your last semester, but you'd kept it to yourself for so long. You'd tried to disconnect yourself from it, tried to take solace in your grandmother's fury on your behalf, but you feel your face heat up with your own anguish, "asked how you were and if you were still living in 'that beautiful house with the Reubens and all those royal portraits'," voice trembling with both heartache and resentment, you slide down the door, tears welling even as you had your eyes squeezed tightly shut.

"Nan sounded so angry when she told me," you whispered, knees drawn up to your chest, "I've never heard her like that; she made it sound like she yelled at mum for- for- for ages -" you feel when Felix settles down beside you, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you close. This is when you finally break, when you finally let yourself cry, whimpering, "but I bet mum just hung up on her the minute she felt like the fucking victim."

Felix isn't the one who needs to be apologising right now, but part of you knows you'll never get one from the people you crave it the most from. Still, he apologises with his lips against your temple. You know your best friend well enough to know his heart is breaking for you, and fuck you wish you had been strong enough to push back this breakdown, but you couldn't -

"She asked for you by name, Fi, full name," you sobbed curling up in his arms, burying yourself against him in your misery, "they haven't spoken to me or about me in eleven years; they haven't even said my name- they've acted like I don't exist to everyone - everyone - even to my own grandmother for eleven years!"

There's no easy sleep that can be found after a revelation like this, but Felix, even after he manages to drift off, is unwilling to let you go, unwilling to let you feel even the slightest bit alone for the rest of the night. It continues through the next day, even as you assure him you're fine, that you're glad for his comfort but that you've overcome the despair that had hit you so tremendously last night. It's not even much of a lie.

You spend the day with the family who'd taken you in without hesitation, and feel a swell of pride within you as you hear Oliver comment enthusiastically on the Palissy plates Sir James had always loved dearly. You yourself vaguely recall the plates getting a page to themselves in the very book you'd gifted Oliver about Saltburn, so you were glad to see him putting it to good use.

A little white lie about how deep Oliver's love for Palissy genuinely was really wouldn't hurt anyone. Honestly, it was worth it for just how brightly Sir James' eyes shined at one of Felix or Venetia's friends finally taking an interest in his antiquities like that.

But all day, Felix was never too far away. Not that he was incredibly obvious about it, at least not from anyone else's perspective, but you could tell. Quietly, you were grateful, even if you were still trying to convince the both of you that you were okay. Something about being able to just lean back and know he'll be there in times like this, times where you need him to be there but don't know how to say it out loud, is a comfort you never want to take for granted.

You want to thank him but it gets caught in your throat. But standing on his balcony as the sun sets, sharing a cigarette, you take his free hand for this one, quiet moment. Your voice is full of affection, full of thanks, full of love, too much for you to even look at him, focus kept on your hands, your fingers laced with his.

"My Felix."

"Always, love," he kisses your forehead.

That night, the only time you are without him is when you end up in the lilac study, wondering if Oliver will even show up after last night broke the tradition. Either way you'd use the time to continue to go through your botany books on the hunt for red, curly, pointy, Australian flowers. You keep seeing bottle brush but something in your heart said it wasn't right. However long you'd actually spend perusing the books tonight would depend on if you had company.

But eventually Oliver does choose to darken the doorway with that hungry-eyed stare you've never seen in the light of day, and you take your time with noticing him. Tonight you're lounging on the cream sofa in one of Felix's shirts, not even bothering to do the buttons up; you've pulled it mostly close for a pass at modesty, considering the only other thing you're wearing is underwear.

"'re you seducing me?" He sounds amused; you're surprised by how quickly he cuts to the chase, but you try not to let it show.

"Is it working yet?" You turn another page of your book before you finally look up, playing almost at boredom. Oliver, barely visible for the lamp light, the gallery beyond him nothing but shadows, huffs a laugh at that, and for reasons you can't quite understand, he drops his gaze. He breaks the moment, the rules of the game. Oliver doesn't look away, he never has before.

"You trying to get me in trouble?"

"Depends on what you consider to be trouble," your smile grows wider as you carefully set your book to the side, fixing your intrigued gaze upon Oliver properly, "perhaps I'm saving you from trouble." In a sense, the more nights you can get him to spend here with you, the less he's falling prey to Venetia's planting herself beneath his window you're sure she's doing, just as she had with Eddie a year ago. At least this time you've learned.

"I think you may very well be the trouble," Oliver looks up, just in time to see your wicked, delighted grin.

"Then I am definitely trying to get you in trouble," you don't even hesitate before firing off the inuendo, smiling wide and proud at your own quick wit. The sight of Oliver's very genuine smile and laugh catches you off guard too; it'd been so long since you'd seen it, you forgot how taken you were with him when he lit up like that. Then, as the laughter died down, Oliver walks in, he sits with you, lets you lean against him.

"You've been saying a lot of..." he hesitates, turning to you. Oliver wears a strange, lopsided smile, but from the corner of your eyes you see something reserved in his gaze as he takes in the sight of you in this moment, "generous things about me." He's too close to miss the way your breath catches. Venetia and Farleigh are dirty fucking snitches, "'s alright-" he tries, but there's clearly some kind of reservation in his voice as he staves off your stammered apology, "knew what I was getting into, didn't I?"

With Oliver's arm around you, you can't help but wonder aloud -

"Did you?"

"I thought I did," he admitted softly, and you tipped your head onto his shoulder, then you feel him shift, feel his lips on your forehead and voice soft, "I think I thought I'd be alright anywhere if I was with Felix." For reasons you try very hard not to think about in this moment, Oliver's words sting.

"Oh," it almost gets caught in your throat; your traitorous heart sinks in your chest for just a moment. Except Oliver gives you a squeeze, holds you tight as he seems to realise his mistake.

"Of course you're a given," it almost salvages the moment, and of course you feel as though you have to act like it does, but there's something tight and unfamiliar balling up in your chest. "Felix loves you," Oliver sounds almost wistful, words coming out more like a faint breath, but perhaps it's this strange new feeling in your chest that makes him harder to read in this moment.

"He loves you too, Ollie," you tell him, forcing yourself to inject some levity into the moment. This time it's you who moves, who turns your face to Oliver, forehead against his as you muster up the warmest smile you can manage, pressing against him, making a show of overwhelming affection, "we both do," of course, your tone says, obviously.

And Oliver actually giggles at that, so it must work. In the next moment he's pulled you into his lap. It's so easy for you to readjust, to fit in his arms, in his space, against him, like it's where you were always meant to be.

"Is that you talkin' or Felix talkin'?" Oliver asks finally when you've got your arms settled around his neck, "I don't mind, I'd just like to know."

"What 'd you mean?" You ask, curious about the wording and it's implications. Oliver visibly hesitates, though he seems more embarrassed for whatever was about to come out of his mouth than anything else.

"Speakin' with Venetia made me realise how little I actually know about you," Oliver says carefully. Almost immediately your expression sours, and a long, exasperated sigh is pulled from you, "she's a deeply confusing woman, isn't she?" He adds almost like an afterthought, and you barked a quiet laugh.

"That is a very kind way of putting it," you offered diplomatically after a beat, before letting go of Oliver and leaning yourself back against the arm of the sofa, considering your next words carefully. His hands come to rest on your stomach, but you're surprised when he does up two of the buttons of Felix's shirt, providing you with a little more modesty. Then, his hands come to rest on your stomach and thighs, warm and unmoving.

"You're a deeply confusing individual yourself," Oliver pushes softly, "when I think about you too much, I realise there's not much to think about, least nothin' you've told me," and you hum noncommittally, looking up at the ceiling. The next words that escape you are from a script you'd thought was long buried.

"Yeah but that's kind of the point; I'm not really meant to matter, or be looked at, or thought about -" the words seem to shock even you, eyes going wide as you look to Oliver. The intensity of his stare has your heart hammering against your ribs as you try to back pedal, "sorry- that's not- I mean- sorry, that's really not, anymore that is -" you didn't even believe that anymore, right? Your place in the world as impressed upon you by your own parents for the first ten years of your life. Surely having spent more time by now with Felix and the Cattons than you ever had with them was enough to rewrite a good deal of the cruel way in which you'd been hardwired.

Oliver reaches out, caressing your cheek with that confident smile he only ever seemed to wear when the sun couldn't see him. He tells you that you matter, with absolute sincerity. Then, expression lightening to something fond, even teasing, he warns you not to let Felix catch you talking like that, that his love for you was the kind that would have him throwing a parade just to prove that self-doubt wrong. It was a nice mental image, if only for a moment. You, Oliver, Felix, not necessarily a parade for you per say, but a mess of colour and joy and music in the city, together and happy and -

"I don't know if you'd want that," Oliver's grin is fading, and finally you sit back up, let yourself be wrapped up in him as he continues to trail his fingers across the edge of your face, down your throat, across your collar, "but then again Venetia thinks you don't even know how."

"How what?" Voice barely more than a whisper, you know he can feel how quick your heart's beating, his hand flat and warm on your sternum.

"How to want for yourself, 'least not anything outside of Felix," he keeps his gaze trained on his hand, heel of his palm pressing firmer just over your heart, "which is why I asked; you said you loved me, is that you or Felix talking when you say that?" And finally he looks at you. That tight, sharp feeling in your chest spikes when he meets your gaze. He looks so earnest, so open, so ready for either answer.

But you stand, leaving both yourself, and Oliver's lap cold, but hoping your smile is warm enough compensation. Except you can hear in his voice that he believes Venetia; she'd confirmed what he'd suspected, it's what he left unsaid the night you'd slept with each other. The only thing you wanted was so easily met; to be wanted, and seemingly content with nothing more outside of Felix. A contented sycophant, easy to please and happy to be used; you knew the world was happy with this being your place in it.

And the more you think about it, the more you think Oliver is too.

"Of course it's Felix," you tell him what you're almost certain he wants to hear. No need to scare him off with the expectations of your own feelings on his shoulders. Oliver watches you for a long moment, simply observing as you smile wider, and hope that it comes across as adoring, "which means of course I do love you too, that's a given, Ollie." The sharp discomfort is scraping at your ribs, more painful with each word, hollowing out your chest moment by moment, so you bid him good night, unable to bare the conversation for much longer.

"Just one favour, by the way, if you could," you add by the door. He makes a noise of intrigue, but you can't even bring yourself to look at him. It'll be another just person looking at a placeholder while they're waiting for Felix to be ready to love them back. Usually you don't mind. Usually it's enough and you can still enjoy their company and have your fun. But they aren't Oliver Quick, "just... please refrain from properly fooling around with Venetia? I know I sound like a hypocrite but," you take a deep breath, smiling wide enough that you don't even have to see Oliver, "it kind of goes back well beyond just you."

The next morning, stopping into the study before you head down to breakfast, you intend to collect the book you'd finally found those red flowers in. Top of your pile, you'd left it open on the very page. But you find that someone has turned the page. Scabious, in full bloom, mocking you, surely.

The botany book lay like a bitter seductress on your desk, left open, pages spread and staring up at you; purple fucking pincushions.

#felix catton x reader x oliver quick #felix catton x reader #saltburn x reader #saltburn imagine #felix catton imagine #oliver quick x reader #felix catton x y/n #felix catton x you #oliver quick imagine #oliver quick x y/n #oliver quick x you #oliver x reader x felix #head heart hand fic #venetia catton x reader #venetia catton imagine #manic writer

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pessimisticpigeonsworld · 11 months ago

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Rhaenyra and Motherhood

Motherhood is an integral part to Rhaenyra's character, both in the show and the book. So many of her actions are based on her children and her legacy is carried by her sons Aegon III and Viserys II. However, her antis are obsessed with removing motherhood from her character or claiming that she was simply a bad mother.

Rhaenyra's motivations throughout the Dance were driven by her love for her children. From the loss of Visenya fueling her desire to reclaim her throne to Joffrey's death causing her to return to Dragonstone. Even before the Dance, Rhaenyra's desire to protect her children was part of her motivation for marrying Daemon so quickly.

Despite these facts, Rhaenyra's antis always want to portray Rhaenyra as a selfish woman who doesn't care about her children and only wants power and to get laid. They blatantly ignore how Rhaenyra loves her children so completely.

Rhaenyra raised Jace to be someone even Mushroom agreed would be a great king. He was kind, intelligent, protective, a good military strategist even at fourteen, and a skilled fighter. Even though the show decided to give many of his attributes to Aemond, he's still a good man and much wiser than his older uncles. He was also respectful towards women and had a good relationship with Baela.

Lucerys was greatly loved by Rhaenyra, in the show she calls him her sweet boy. She raised Luke to be a kind and brave boy, he was respectful to Rhaena and had a sweet relationship with her. He was protective of his siblings and just wanted to make his mother proud.

Joffrey was a brave boy, perhaps too much for his own good. He wanted to defend what was left of his family, which led to his untimely death. But in life he was loved by his siblings and Rhaenyra and she was fiercely protective of him.

"Nor would she suffer to be parted from Prince Aegon, her last living son...day and night the boy remained by her side like a small pale shadow."

Even though the show hasn't yet given us any stills of Rhaenyra and Aegon the Younger, we know a lot about their relationship from the book. After the deaths of her other children, Rhaenyra held Aegon closer than ever. He grew to be a good king, despite his severe PTSD. He was firm with his advisors, stabilized the realm after the Dance, strove for peace, visited the sick, and tried to bring back dragons using magic. The only reason he isn't remembered fondly is because he wasn't happy or interested in kissing up to the lords.

Due to Viserys' age at the time of the Dance and his subsequent separation from his family, we don't know much about his relationship with Rhaenyra. But we do know that his disappearance was greatly grieved by her and that he was very close to his brother Aegon. Regardless, Viserys was a good king and such a skilled politician he was compared to Jaehaerys himself.

Visenya may have been stillborn, but she was greatly loved by Rhaenyra. Rhaenyra's only daughter, she was mourned greatly by her parents and it was her loss that helped spur Rhaenyra in her desire to reclaim her throne.

Motherhood is one of the key aspects of Rhaenyra's character. Her trauma revolving around the tragic death of her mother makes her love for her children and happiness as a mother even more compelling. She was at her happiest when she was able to live with her beloved husband and children unbothered by the Greens. She deserved to reign with her children around her. Their loss destroyed her emotionally and removed any hope Aegon and Aemond had for mercy from her or her faction.

Even though the misogyny of Westeros prevented her from being remembered as a true queen, her children are still fondly remembered. It's through them her legacy and final victory over the Greens live on, and the Green stans hate that so they try to remove her connection to her children. But their efforts are as useless as their favs, as Rhaenyra's legacy is alive and well in ASOIAF through Daenerys and their beloved usurper and his bitch mother are only remembered as war mongers and power hungry thieves.

#rhaenyra targaryen #team black #anti team green #house of the dragon #asoiaf #jacaerys velaryon #lucerys velaryon #joffrey velaryon #aegon iii targaryen #viserys ii targaryen #baby visenya #queen rhaenyra #daenerys targaryen #anti rhaenyra antis

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btr-rewatch · 5 months ago

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Big Time Rush Fandom lore from back in the day

The fandom during the years the show was on was booming with constant content being churned out, especially fanfics. Most of the BTR fanfic community knew each other and formed collective headcanons and lore that were then spread and picked up by the rest of the fandom (ie tumblr). I had only just recently discovered online fandom spaces at the time, so I didn't contribute fanfics or anything (which is good because I was young, and they would have been terrible), but I did absorb a good deal that stuck with me. Thought it might be fun to share. A lot of this might still apply today but truth be told, I don't really know much about the current fandom headcanons. I'm still learning things as I continue to interact with people on here! Also! Idk if anyone currently in the fandom was around during Miss Fenway's reign, but she was the Queen of the BTR fandom and most "famous" of the fanfic community. A lot of the headcanons adopted by the fandom started with her and were quickly picked up by others.

Kendall • Pretty much unanimous agreement that his father was a deadbeat who had walked out on the family very shortly after Katie was born. This explains why there is ZERO mention of him in the show, no family pictures in the background that hint at a father still being in their lives, etc. He caused them a lot of pain, so they erased any trace of him. • Some people took a little bit of a kinder approach to him, where he was a genuinely loving dad when Kendall was very young, but then things unraveled, and he ended up leaving. • He was big into hockey, which sparked Kendall's love for the sport. • Lots of sad fanfics involving Little Kendall dealing with his parents deteriorating marriage and being forced to "take charge" once his dad left. • Also agreement that he likely dealt with a decent amount of anxiety and very clear abandonment issues, along with a hero complex. • Naturally, Kendall was very often the focus of intensely angsty fics. He was always being pushed to the limit, ignoring his own issues, sacrificing himself, etc until he reached his breaking point.

Logan • Prior to the airing of Big Time Moms, it was generally headcanoned that Logan's mother had died when he was very young, and he was being raised by his father. • It was also headcanoned (in the fanfic-sphere at least) that Logan's dad was an awful person. Don't ask me how this came to be because I don't actually know. All I remember is discovering fanfiction, reading fic after fic of Logan's dad being horrible, and going, "Huh, I guess that's a thing." • Logan's dad ranged anywhere from being a raging workaholic who totally ignored & neglected Logan to being outright abusive. • The main reason Logan threw himself so hard into school and being "smart" was so his father would notice him. It did not work. • Because of this, the fandom headcanoned that Logan was pretty much "adopted" into the Knight family from the moment he befriended Kendall. Mrs. Knight is the one who raised him and gave him love, and so he and Kendall grew up as brothers. (Several fanfics even had Logan be officially adopted into the Knight family at some point) • If there was an award for most tortured character in BTR fanfiction, Logan would have won hands down during the 2009-2013 fanfic era. This guy was put through the wringer! He was always experiencing trauma. When he wasn't being emotionally scarred by his dad, he was dying tragically or losing an arm in a shark attack or getting brain damage or being kidnapped. Logan suffered constantly lol the poor guy.

Carlos • He likely got the best, most lighthearted side of fandom headcanons and probably suffered the least in fics. Largely because he's Carlos, and nobody wants to hurt Carlos. • From a big, loud, happy family. Definitely the healthiest, most stable upbringing of all the boys. • Babied and loved so so much by his parents. • People had different ideas regarding the actual makeup of his immediate family, but most people headcanoned him as the oldest and only boy, with 3 or 4 much younger sisters. • His father was often written as having a special bond with Logan. I remember a trend in fics where Logan called Mr. Garcia "papa" and looked to him as the main father figure in his life. • It's still assumed that Carlos has a serious case of ADHD, right? Because that was a given back in the day. James • Honestly, I remember the least amount of James lore. Let's see... • Only child • Uses his superficial exterior to hide the fact he's deeply insecure • Actually feels everything so deeply that he has to pretend he doesn't care to avoid getting hurt. This was used to many fic writer's advantage. • Loved by his parents, but they don't show it well, and he grew up feeling disconnected from them. And that's about all I've got!

I should dig back through my old list of bookmarked fanfics at some point and make a post of the ones that were my favorites.

#big time rush #btr #kendall knight #james diamond #carlos garcia #logan mitchell #miscellaneous

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bonefall · 7 months ago

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PLEASE make Whitewater be the one who kills Weaselkit. It would be so (tragically) cool, like just thinking about it reminds me of other amazing BB scenes like the Elderberry and Ferncloud scene but on a smaller, background character scale. It would also be a cool parallel type thing to Spiderleg who attempts to kill his son during the same battle. Obviously Spiderleg and Toadstep don’t personally care about the death of a non-Thunderclan kit, so it’s not like they would be aware of the other family murder happening, but WE would know. And we would be shitting our pants. (I’m a sucker for generational trauma and parents failing to protect their children in fiction please mister bonefall)

I HAVE to do it. It fits too well. It's absolutely shockingly tragic and horrrible. Hell opened up and Owlclaw's worst nightmare came lunging out. I have so many thoughts.

Owlclaw has had a whole life dealing with the neglect and abuse he went through, taking it out on others as a bully, and it's only now seeming to get any better

Mentor Oakfur being even more of a parent to him than any other apprentice he's had, knowing Owlpaw needed it.

Whitewater had FINALLY died. It hurt like nothing else, because in spite of everything he loved his mother... but he was FREE

And maybe she was, too. Maybe in StarClan she could watch over him, perhaps now with distance her memory can be something positive.

There was a time he might have wished suffering on her. But he's going to be a dad, now. He's learned that holding onto grudges never seems to do anything constructive.

He started his new life with Pinenose, still in their honeymoon phase. They're a young couple and everything is moving fast, they're welcoming two little twins.

Weaselkit and... Happykit. He still thinks it's silly, but he said it as a sardonic joke because he couldn't think of a good name and Pinenose beamed. How could he burst her bubble?

He has NO idea that his mother didn't ascend to StarClan. Shes doonstairs. He's daring to assume the best, and she's embracing the worst.

She doesn't need long to be completely onboard with Tigerstar's scheme. She didn't even need a discussion with Hawkfrost. The only reason StarClan would throw her down here is because there's a problem.

So, she'll put it right.

The IMMEDIATE validation she feels seeing Harespring training in the Dark Forest is intoxicating. They ARE cursed!! One of them already found its way here!

(AND the spawn of that damn TRAITOR, Crowfeather. The bastard who betrayed Mudclaw's coup.)

Harespring started training here out of curiosity, and a speck of heresy to be totally honest. He wanted to know his biofather, Mudclaw, and StarClan couldn't be all that wonderful if it would allow his brother Kestrelflight to be forced into the Cleric's den so young.

But NOW, having met Mudclaw and hearing his side of the story, and now WHITEWATER landing here as well...

...he has never had stronger faith in StarClan before. Mudclaw was horrible enough. Whitewater is unhinged.

There is no doubt in his mind that these two belong here. The sad stories are outweighed by cases like these, so in his opinion, there SURELY must be things he doesn't know about innocuous cats like Houndleap and Featherwhisker.

He hates coming here, every moment he's trapped with one of his bioparents is a moment he wishes he was spending with papa Torear.

Harespring betrays the Dark Forest the minute he has a chance to. But it doesn't stop Whitewater.

Weaselkit's death happened so fast and they were so young that Happykit can barely remember it. Was it after Dustpelt crunched? ...he thinks it was during.

I can't imagine Happykit will be told about Whitewater until he's much older, but... he knows Weaselkit's death is what drives the wedge between his parents

(Of course that's too simple to be correct. Happy's smart in the way that you get when you have to grow up quick, but still a kid at the end of the day. Owlclaw backslid into old, destructive ways. Pinenose can't handle him and their child and her grief at the same time. They were a young couple to begin with. It shattered like glass.)

I'm not sure who dealt with Whitewater during the Battle of the True Eclipse, but she is definitely double dead. Part of me wants to make it Spikefur, Pinenose's next mate. But Owlclaw dealing with his mother a minute too late, after FINALLY finding peace with it all, is also gut-wrenching.

#BB!Whitewater #BB!Pinenose #BB!Happyface #BB!Owlclaw #Better bones au #Battle of the true eclipse #Botte #BB!OOTS

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wholoveseggs · 12 days ago

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How I look camping ⛺️ your page everyday waiting for you to post… like your writing is so good and I’m so obsessed with it. 💜 But about Kol and I guess the other Mikaelson boys (minus Finn),, they’re all scary in their own ways.

With Klaus he’s scary because of his rage and his plans,, you can immediately tell when he’s angry because he makes it known through his throwing things and shouting.

For Elijah, he’s calm and collected and that’s what makes him scary, you don’t know how he’s truly feeling or going to react because he hides it so well. I don’t remember the exact scene but it was in the originals I believe where you could like see the rage on his rage and that too is scary because he’s so angry in that moment that he isn’t even attempting to hide that rage.

For Kol (my love), he’s a wild card, a loose cannon. He can be violent but he can also be gentle as seen with his relationship with Davina. I just think his personality is so fun and intriguing. There is absolutely no reason for a vampire, an original at that to be using a baseball to beat people but he does just because he can?? does this make me crazy?? maybe a bit?

a common misconception i see a lot is when Kol is undaggered and Klaus backs away from him. this is for two reasons… yes, i believe Klaus was nervous of Kol being awake again because he knows his brother is a loose cannon but also because it meant that the others were likely awake as well and perhaps he could fight one of them but he definitely couldn’t find all of them at once.

no matter though because both Kol and Klaus can admit that Elijah is the “scariest” so your love wins that contest~ 💜

Hello again darling camping anon! I have so much to say on this subject.... like SO MUCH. So buckle up.

I think the fundamental difference between the three of them is how they react to and experience control. It's simultaneously an emotion, a situation and a choice. And something that all three of them couldn't really have growing up.

They are all victims of domestic violence, and each one is dealing with it differently. (And not in a healthy way at allllllllll. They absolutely continue the cycle of abuse...)

First we have Klaus, (The iconic little shit that he is)

He clings to control like a lifeline. Being the most helpless as a boy, he has always felt that if he was stronger, had more power, he could keep those around him safe. He believes that the only way he can feel safe is if he's in control. So, in his mind, any time someone takes that from him, they are actively trying to harm him. He will fight for control over everything and anything. His family, his city, his art and (most importantly) his life. His need to control the narrative around him and keep his secrets, is born out of the trauma and fear that his father instilled in him. His rage is born out of his own sense of helplessness.

Joseph Morgan does an excellent job of conveying that pain. Klaus is always a bundle of anxiety and panic and fear, no matter how he's acting. He's hyper vigilant and constantly looking over his shoulder, waiting for someone or something to try and control him again. It's why he clings so desperately to control, because he never wants to be made a victim again.

Second we have Elijah, born after the loss of Freya. I've always viewed him as a tragic character, who seems to be nobody's favorite in the family, but also the glue that holds them together. He's burdened with being the adult in the room. I can imagine that Esther's grief and guilt around losing Freya sort of imprinted on to him. She probably saw him as a replacement for the daughter she lost, putting all this pressure on him to be perfect, while simultaneously giving him no agency to be his own person. His entire childhood was spent either protecting his siblings or taking care of his mother's emotional needs. (This also applies to Finn, who i'll talk about later)

His relationship with control is nearly equal to Klaus'. He's always been a peacemaker, the level headed, calm brother. Always trying to bring harmony between his siblings. And while he has a much different way of expressing his feelings, he is a victim of the same violence that the rest are.

But, what makes him the scariest is the fact that his anger is silent. Elijah doesn't show his emotions, he represses them. And then when his control snaps, it's like a damn bursting. You don't see it coming, because he's so good at hiding his anger (& all of his other feelings). But when it's there, you feel it. And it's terrifying. Because his anger is fueled by pain and a lifetime of having to be strong. It's a glimpse at a deep well of pain that you realize he has been hiding all along.

Daniel Gillies absolutely nails this simmering rage with his eyes. Somehow that man can convey every single emotion without saying a word. When he looks at his family, or a person he cares for, there is this warmth and kindness. But when he looks at a person he is angry at, a person who has hurt someone he cares about, you can see the light almost dim, and his eyes will become cold and dark. You can feel the danger and rage in them. It's a delight to watch.

Third we have Kol, who is a complicated and messy character. Kol was born into a family that already had a system and a hierarchy, and he was pushed aside and ignored. Nobody's favorite, nobody's first choice. He grew up angry and frustrated, feeling unloved and unheard. He looks to his older brothers and their relationship with control, and takes the proverbial baseball bat to it. If they couldn't love him the way he needed them to, then he would make sure that they would at least remember him. So he becomes the black sheep, the outcast. He's wild and chaotic, doing whatever he can to get attention. He doesn't really care about control, because he never had any growing up. I have always viewed his bloodlust as an allegory for addiction. His response to the violence of his youth is to numb the pain with the rush of adrenaline and power. To take from others what was taken away from him.

His rage is the loudest and the quickest to come to the surface. He's not one to stew, he's quick to fight and fast to burn. Which is why his relationship with Davina is so good for him. She loves him the way he needs, and rightfully calls out his bad behavior. As gross as it sounds, she's kind of the mother figure that his actual mother never was. (IM SORRY I KNOW ITS VERY FREUD OF ME .... BUT AM I WRONG????)

I'm not going to bash any acting... But I think Daniel Sharman captures Kol much better. His complicated relationship with death, control and magic is portrayed beautifully. Especially the scene where he is dancing with Davina before he dies. It shows real growth on his part, no longer the baby brother, no longer the victim and the victimizer. In that moment he's the protector, trying to shield his girl from grief. And it always makes me tear up ...

(This scene always makes me laugh, I truly believe Elijah is the funniest character)

And last, we have Finn. Who I love to make the butt of the joke here on this blog. But I do have a few things to say about his character.... Which is.... He isn't really a character. But an object.

They drag the poor man out to show the audience what bad thing can happen to an original. First with his death in TVD, teaching everyone about the white oak stake and sirelines. Second in TOG with Lucians deadly bite. He's just... Not written to be liked.. and it's never really explained why they kept him daggered for 900 years.

And with Finn... there is no control or lack thereof, because he has no agency. And his rage comes from the fact that he is a man out of time, with no one who cares about him.. And it makes his character all the more sad and pathetic.

They make him this bitter, angry villain. Trying to kill his niece, and they never justify exactly why. I think fear of Dahlia is a piss poor excuse. I would rather he lean into revenge for being daggered than trying to hold onto his righteous nonsense.

(But lets be so real here... its because the writers didn't want to give him any depth. They didn't want us to get overly attached, so they could use him as a low-stakes original vampire that demonstrates the actual deadliness of a weapon or person)

But!!!! Yusuf Gatewood is the absolute GOAT and his portrayal of Finn and his rage is just delicious. He almost reminds me of like a rabid preacher, the way he spits out his hatred and bitterness. But it's so fun and I enjoy it every time.

Anyways.... Sorry to hijack your message lol.. I just love to psychoanalyze crazy fictional men!

#lissa responds #elijah mikaelson #kol mikaelson #klaus mikaelson #finn mikaelson #tvd #the originals #tvdu #vampire diaries #the vampire diaries #meta #camping anon

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juniperhillpatient · 5 months ago

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I have to go to work but first I have to say something to else about that movie. The reason Lucille’s tragedy works SO well in the end is that she was offered an escape & she doesn’t take it & her reasons make so much sense but it’s still so sad.

The movie kinda had a moment for me when Lucille says “you promised you’d never fall in love with someone else” & Thomas responds “& yet it happened anyway” where I thought - oh. How disappointing. I still would’ve enjoyed the movie if it was left at that but it would’ve been so much shallower & Thomas at that point would’ve lost any & all remaining sympathy from me.

To murder & plot & manipulate against innocent people - against a precocious & clever & likable protagonist like Edith Cushing who has lost SO much already & only ever wanted to be Seen - to commit heinous murders against people who genuinely Did Not deserve it - that all becomes sympathetic & tragic if not excusable when you realize it’s for love. “The only love Thomas & I ever knew was from each other in these rotting walls, hiding.”

Thomas & Lucille only ever knew violent rotting desperate love - of course they did horrific things to protect each other, to stay together. It’s awful but it’s sympathetic & tragic. It’s all they ever knew.

If Thomas simply turned on Lucille after ALL that after murdering their OWN CHILD & other women that we can presume deserved it no more than Edith - the ONLY thing that redeems him is that it’s all over love for Lucille & now he’s betraying her? And for what? He lied to Edith’s face time & again & gaslit her about being poisoned. He held her as she sobbed over her father’s corpse when he was part of his death! For me that was the end of any possible sympathy I might’ve had for Thomas which puts a significant damper on the emotional complexity of a movie about toxic love & entanglements if one of the central characters has lost ALL my investment.

But then….. then Thomas offers Lucille an out & you see that he’s only trying to escape the rotting walls of Crimson Peak & his trauma & he wants to offer it to her too & it’s too late & we all know it - I think even Thomas knows it - but he’d rather die trying than give up.

“We could all be together.”

“All?”

Thomas must know that it’s too late for that if it ever was an option (I don’t think so) & Lucille’s horrified reaction says it all. That was never a real option but he has to try.

Edith would never consider it & Lucille certainly wouldn’t. But Thomas tries. He offers Lucile the ONLY chance at redemption & a happier future he can see & she rejects it & if it weren’t for that the movie might feel senselessly cruel toward Lucille to me in a way that leaves behind a bitter taste but instead - because of that offer & the subsequent violent rejection - I think the tragedy is absolutely delicious.

In the words of Edith Cushing - “Ghosts are just metaphors for the past.”

And Crimson Peak is the tragic story of a family that could never & will never escape the past & the fact that that’s a choice - that the option to at least try to escape was always there - is crucial to making that impactful. The emotional crux of a well written tragedy will always be this tiny horrible inkling of an idea that maybe it didn’t have to be that way. But of course it did.

#crimson peak

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starzzmissthesun · 4 months ago

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Hey guys, I feel the need to go into more depth about a post I made a while ago because I feel like some of y'all didn't get what I meant, and I see so many takes just like what I'm about to talk of. Ok, so I've been seeing lots of posts recently about bartylus being one of three things; fwb who don't actually have feelings for each other, being ex's, or 'the third thing'. I mean if you believe these things, no hate or anything to you, to each their own, but just listen to what my perspective is of this. I'm mainly making this post because most of the things I see in the bartylus tag are from the POV of those three things, it's annoying to see when there are people who actually ship them.

So for one, I really don't think they could have that romance and the physical aspect without having any feelings for eachother. I mean, think about it. They are truly best friends to no end, they love and see eachother different than everyone else. This is true in SO MANY fics and takes on them, no matter who they're paired with. They already act like an old married couple, so they would eventually catch feelings (if not already). I understand lots of people say that they could, just because its more of a trauma bond and being with someone you trust. I agree that they have been through a lot together and trust each other more than anyone, but I also think that it would turn into something more. Being so close would definitely make it hard to separate and see the line between their physical relation and how they feel for each other.

And my next point, which was what my og post was about, they couldnt be exes, especially if they were in love. The first thing is that they DO love eachother, you wouldn't date your BEST FRIEND if you weren't. I mean really, those two loved their other friends, they knew what it was like to love a friend platonically. If you are so used to being punished and criticized, you would have to be very aware of how you feel about people/recognizing the differences(this goes for both of them). Especially when you think about the social repercussions of them being gay in families like that, but also the way their families are so opposite that they would probably get in trouble for even being friends. They loved eachother a lot and would not just, get over each other. When you have something so special like that and remain best friends, its hard to fall out of love, especially if its not that long from them stopping that they get with other people. What even would change about them other than who they kiss? I feel like every time they were with their respective partners they would catch each others eyes every once in a while and think this is wrong. The kind of love they would have for each other (even if you believe this platonically) would be made of devotion and loyalty and reverence. They couldn't just get over each other, where would all of those feelings go? They just disapear? They turn platonic? No, they would stay, something so intense wouldnt just go away. What could they want that they couldn't find in each other? I mean back to the whole it being nothing more than the m being secret and because they trusted each other, i mean doesn't that just speak to the love they have for each other, which brings me to the point of them unable to be The Third ThingTM.

The third thing is the trope people use for tragic characters that were never just friends, but never quite romanitc. But the thing is, they both could never be casual about eachother, they hold each other so close and so sweetly, especially as a first (last and only) love, they would never let go. @dolcevitaaa26 made a post about this, and also said a big part of the trope is that the reason it's not quite romantic is because it's not enough, there's something missing. But, like i said, what could be missing/not enough in a relationship that is built upon true understanding and acceptance? They couldn't be vague, not with that person SO IMORTANT that theyd keep in their lives forever. And they would, if they didn't have each other theyd never stop thinking about each other. Even if they were Just Friends, they are each other's Person in every aspect. They understand each other in a way no one else could. How could you lose that person? How could you not hold them so close to your chest that you merge, that you are one? They are inseparable, it is indistinguishable where one begins and the other ends. They are definitely unique and different from what anyone else has, but in a way that would be perfect for eachother, it would be romantic if anything.

I mean all of these things given, especially the fact of being something so perfect for eachother, would be put before anyone else. If youre going to have them have exes within your ship, because at th end of the day ship what you want to, don't have it be with eachother. I just say that because the implications of that feel the same way of people making james date lily after reg dies, reg and barty wouldn't get over eachother. It's fine if you see them as totally platonic, but make them platonic, because they are not casual people, they couldn't be in between for each other. And do you reall want your ship to have one of them still loving another? Just some food for thouhgt. I could say more, but this is already too nonsensical and long.

#bartylus #starkiller #regulus black #barty crouch jr #marauders

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eroguron0nsense · 7 months ago

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Doflamingo, Love, and Arrested Development

This is mostly just me paraphrasing other Doffy metas and comments I've made but I kinda feel like the real tragedy behind Doflamingo's warped psychology kind of gets missed by people who focus more on his trauma in and of itself and get lost in discourses about having sympathy for characters despite their complete lack of morality and disregard for everyone (perfectly possible), or whether Doflamingo has any redeeming characteristics or genuine concern for anyone or anything outside of himself (he doesn't).

Doffy's story is fundamentally a tragedy, but not because of his childhood traumas or how drastic and painful they are; plenty of One Piece characters experience severe abuses or incomprehensible loss, but they're ultimately stories of how to find hope in the face of the incomprehensibly traumatic, or the salvation/redemptive power of love. Even characters who don't necessarily see their goals fulfilled (see Fisher Tiger, Pedro, Ashura Doji, EGGHEAD SPOILERS etc) aren't fundamentally tragic ones in the way that, say, Ace is, in that they die having fulfilled their goals to the best of their ability and knowing that people will carry on where they left off, even if they don't get to see the liberation they hoped for. Rosinante's story isn't a tragedy because he dies satisfied that he's given hope to someone he loves deeply (and to some extent tried to make amends for some of the guilt he clearly feels for participating in an institution that ruined that child's life).

Doffy, on the other hand, is a never-ending downward spiral from day 1. He was indoctrinated by evil people from birth and never has it addressed (his parents, for all their talk about living more simply than the Celestial Dragons, NEVER actually say "slavery is bad" to Doffy when he asks them why they don't own people any more and I have my own theory on why), who then suffers unbelievable trauma and has his sense of loss–both of his "birthright" and his innocence/ childhood–weaponized for evil. And he spends the rest of his life in this semi-permanent state of arrested development and violent entitlement. He can't have the station and privilege of the Celestial Dragons to... own slaves and live in luxury, so he builds a kingdom where HE reigns supreme and everyone who crosses him is killed or enslaved as a toy. His mother dies and he kills his father, so he assembles a cult-like "family" to try and compensate for the one he's lost/destroyed, but he doesn't and likely doesn't know how to love them in any meaningful way beyond being possessive of them and seeing them as extensions of himself (e.g. he's willing to kill anyone who makes fun of Pica because no one's allowed to antagonize his "family", but he also orders Monet to do a suicide bombing in Punk Hazard, and he's willing to sacrifice one of them for the eternal life surgery, etc). I think that might be why, even though he should know Corazon has every reason to hate and fear him, he's still so eager to take his brother in when they reunite as adults–he shouldn't trust him, and he eventually comes to suspect him of treason, but he's desperate to have a family and Corazon is emblematic of something he wants but can never have because he's a cruel stunted person who knows nothing but entitlement and violence and cannot process the idea that anything has value or merits selflessness and sacrifice.

Everything Doflamingo does is defined by trying to replace or compensate for the family and privilege he was "supposed" to have, but he doesn't love anyone or even understand how real love works because he's been taught to have no regard for human life and all he knows is that love = absolute servitude, that his interests are ultimately more important than the wellbeing of his "family" members, and that betrayal means death. And far be it from me to sympathize with a fallen aristocrat's deranged revenge power fantasies, but it does demonstrate how oppressive institutions inevitably deprive their own beneficiaries of some of their humanity, and consequently fuck them for life. Doffy craves genuine affection and has had his capacity for it permanently stunted by his former class station and indoctrination.

This craving for love combined with an inability to actually feel it in any meaningful way factors into why he's so obsessed with Law, who he kept hardcore projecting onto in the flashbacks and who he expected to turn out just like him. His brother chose Law over Doflamingo and even his undercover mission out of love, and for all his traumas and hangups, Law can find his own crew and friends who he cares about, and he's able to live on and find meaning even after losing EVERYTHING because Corazon genuinely loved him enough to die protecting him. Doffy, on the other hand, is doomed to a loveless, misanthropic, cruel existence where he tortures countless people to compensate, but he can't replace what he's lost and he'll never find it. It's not what Corazon would have wanted, but Law fighting for and honouring Corazon's memory in everything he does enrages Doffy, who will never be able to understand why they cared for each other so deeply, and why both of them are integral to his downfall.

#one piece #trafalgar law #straw hat pirates #donquixote doflamingo #donquixote rosinante #corazon #one piece meta #dressrossa

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erisweekofficial · 3 months ago

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Today we are celebrating the Amazing @the-darkestminds! 🤩

If you've ever wanted to dive into an Azris fic, we SUPER recommend her fic Autumn's Shadow which you can read on tumblr or ao3. This fic features enemies to friends to lovers and is so achingly soft!!

Definitely read this fic if you love stories that balance sensuality with tenderness and also feature a super unique plot full of mystery 👀

Read more to learn why @the-darkestminds started writing for Eris and what to do if Eris gets sick!

Would drew you to creating content for Eris? And especially for Azris other than any other ship for him?

I have the most fun writing for characters whose stories are largely untold. Angst/pain/hurt are my favorite themes to write and Eris fits into that mold well for me. There are no shortage of characters in the acotar universe with traumatic backstories, but to me Eris feels particularly tragic. We know he’s abused by his father, has likely been forced to wear a mask for his entire life. He cares about Lucien but is unable to show it in any open, meaningful way. He clearly cares about his Court and people, and yet he's treated like a supervillain by the main characters of the series. I think he’s extremely lonely. He doesn’t have an inner circle or a family he can trust. There’s so much to work with when it comes to his backstory because it hasn’t yet been written, which makes it extremely fun to fill in the blanks, specifically the events that shaped him into the male he is today. A lot of room to write about his pain and suffering. lol Because of this, I think he pairs well with Azriel’s darkness. They may appear completely different on the outside: Eris is snarky, bold, well dressed, vibrant, etc, whereas Azriel is brooding, quiet, always hidden in the shadows…but I like them together because they both have an inherent darkness to them. They’ve both known suffering. In my mind, they are able to draw each other out of it with lots of tension and passion.

How do you choose which scenes or moments to focus on?

Again, I have the best time writing angst and pain, so I try to focus on scenes that depict how his suffering has shaped him as a character. We’ve only been told snippets of his past, so I like to fill in those gaps and try to portray what his suffering might’ve looked like. I decided to write one fic for Eris Week that focuses on when his childhood trauma first began, and another oneshot depicting his grief as a grown male. I swear I love him!

What role do you think fan interactions play in your creative process?

A HUGE one. In fact, the only reason I ended up posting the first chapter of my azris fic was due to the lovely @unanswered-stars expressing interest and asking to be added to a tag list! I absolutely love getting feedback on what I write and it motivates me to keep going. I’ve had people share their thoughts and theories, ask questions and wonder about certain elements of the story that in turn have given me ideas for later chapters. Their support is everything and I am a much better writer for it.

Eris is sick! What are you doing to help him get better?

Calling Azriel

Also: Can you give me a name for one of Eris's brothers? And also for one of his dogs?

One of Eris’s brothers is named Jasper. He is the second oldest after Eris and is featured in one of my Eris Week fics. One of his hounds is named Sol. Eris acquired this hound shortly after Lucien was forced to flee to spring and wanted something to remind him of his youngest brother.

#eris vanserra #azris supremacy #azris fanfic #eris creator highlights #pro eris vanserra #high lord eris #autumn court #eris acotar

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scoobydoodean · 8 months ago

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Everyone (besides the Braedens) is so annoying about Dean in 6.01. In a way, he's almost treated like some sort of exotic animal by other hunters—"the hunter who got out" is considered an impossibility in the hunting world—both from a moral perspective, and from a trauma perspective.

Bobby keeps repeating "You were out" when Dean gets mad at him and Sam for keeping Sam's resurrection a secret, and while there is obviously a loving angle in Bobby wanting Dean (someone he views as a son) to live a long life, the secret is so unapologetically cruel in the face of Dean's grief that Bobby's actions also suggest more personal motivations. This, along with Dean's demand "Good for who?" when Bobby insists he made the good choice, almost lends itself to the idea that this wasn't just about Dean. It was about something Dean symbolized for Bobby. Dean was living proof that hunters could get out, and have families, and live long lives, and this probably soothes something in Bobby as someone who lost his wife tragically right after an emotional betrayal. In "Death's Door", Bobby is implied to have had a vasectomy he never told Karen about. He was the child who ruined everything he touched according to his abusive father, and decided never to have children because of it. Bobby still grieves losing Karen, and he grieves what could have been if he hadn't let his dad get in his head. Like Bobby, Dean is also a person accused of having a corrupting touch, and Bobby is very aware of Dean's self-worth issues (2.22) and I think sees a lot of his own emotional hangups in Dean. So I think it's possible that for Bobby, seeing Dean get to be happy is something Bobby needs... for himself in a sense? While being something he wants for someone he loves, it also just... soothes something inside him, symbolically and personally.

Other characters don't react so positively to Dean as a symbol representing hunters being able to get out and overcome the tragedies that generally bring them into the life to begin with. The Campbells immediately look down on Dean for not being a hunter anymore, treating him as a greenhorn, suggesting he was never meant for the work they do (his features are too "delicate"), poking around his house like it's a zoo exhibit. Sam also joins in, mocking Dean for having golf clubs.

Samuel feigns sympathy, saying he "gets it" because Mary wanted out of the life too, but it's just a little carefully placed pathos before he launches into giving Dean the same speech Mary was likely subjected to repeatedly, telling Dean they need all hands on deck, that he has a responsibility but would rather "play golf" (which is really what shows most that Samuel has zero understanding of why Dean or his own daughter wanted normal lives).

Sam also completely switches up on Dean by the end of the episode, going from justifying keeping his resurrection a secret because Dean was happy, to saying that Dean can't be normal and should return to hunting because he's putting Lisa and Ben in danger by being with them. Of course, soulless Sam flip flops because he doesn't actually care about whether or not Dean is happy. He was going through the motions of wanting Dean to be happy because he thought it was what he should want based on his memories, and he didn't have any emotional need for his brother and therefore no reason to bother him or care that he was grieving someone who was alive. But the moment he saw Dean display the heart of a hero, rushing to try and save his neighbors when all hope was lost, he saw something that he thought would be useful—someone with a heart who might make the "rules" of how to conduct himself more clear. Dean then seemed like a useful asset.

#6.01 #season 6 #pk rewatches spn number ?#do i look like a ditchable prom date to you?#dean and bobby #samuel #the campbells #mary #dean and guilt #the very touch of you corrupts #dont objectify me!

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inbarfink · 1 year ago

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Apparently some Ace Attorney fans don’t like this Plot Beat in the PLVSAA game? Like, they feel that it disrespects Phoenix or puts in on a lower rung of importance compared to Layton? But I really disagree, I have some other issues with PLVSAA, but this moment? That’s a perfect Phoenix Wright moment that shows a real understanding of his character and his appeal.

Because Phoenix Wright always shoves his nose right into the center of stories where he was not supposed to be in. That’s what he’s been doing since the beginning.

Just look at the plot of the very first game! It’s all about Manfred von Karma and his Big Ass Weirdo Grudge against the whole Edgeworth family all two of them. In many ways, even if the AA narrative doesn’t typically use that framing - Manfred is kind of a Storyteller in a way, creating the Story of Miles Edgeworth’s tragedy and patricide.

And in that ‘Story’, Phoenix was a minor character at best. He was just an ordinary kid who knew Miles for a few months in fourth grade, He’s not tied in with the Family Drama, he doesn't have any obvious special talents or anything. From any outsider's perspective on Miles' whole life, there's no reason to think his 4th Grade Best Friend would by in any way Important for anything but Tragic Flasbacks. But Phoenix put himself into that narrative. For him, Miles’ kindness and friendship for these few months of childhood are just as important as anything in Manfred’s Story.

He got himself into law and shoved himself right into Miles Edgeworth’s story despite how ridiculous it all is. And so, even as Manfred disregarded him as just yet another unimportant interchangeable Defense Attorney to be crashed under his heel - didn’t even remember his name and face- Phoenix was still the one to defeat him. Even as Manfred left the courtroom still cursing Edgeworth’s name - Phoenix has made himself, by choice, into the Hero of that Story.

Miles and Maya would be Main Characters in anything related to the DL-6 mess whatever they’d like to or not, it’s just tied-up so heavily into their life and their traumas. Phoenix is the one who chose to be a Main Character in that Story.

And that’s something that kind of repeats with a lot of the narratives Phoenix gets into. Because he’s, like, the one AA character without a Dramatic Backstory outside of the Class Trial, Phoenix is usually either playing backup to the real main characters of the narrative - or once again, making himself the Main Character out of sheer determination and love and desire to help others and choice.

And doing it again in PLvsPW, establishing that he and Maya butted into both the Storyteller and Darklaw’d Stories just because they were both driven and curious and kind and wanted to help Espella so bad… that’s just perfect, especially for a story all about Stories that’s just perfect.

The thing that I keep thinking about is the few times AA has Stories that are definitively about Phoenix without him butting in or stumbling into someone else’s Story. ‘Justice for All’ is one, but it doesn’t really have a Grand Overarching Narrative. It’s more of a Phoenix Wright Character Study via a series of vignettes. The AA game that really has Phoenix at the center of a Story is ‘Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney’.

To continue the PLvsPW metaphor, AJAA is really the game between a bunch of rival Storytellers - PLvsPW had Arthur Vs. Evelyn, AJAA has Kristoph Vs Phoenix. Kristoph weaved a Story with Phoenix’s downfall at its center - and Phoenix waited until he had the chance to return the favor. I mean, I dunno, maybe my metaphor is a touch stretched but… Hobonick really is the closest thing to the Storyteller in the mainline AA games. The final AJAA case is almost literally him ‘designing’ a trial for his own purposes.

And the interesting thing is how controlling and railroading he is as a Storyteller figure. For someone who’s based his own entire damn life on defying the Stories and plans of others, he really does not let his own ‘Main Characters’ - least of all Apollo - that same sort of metanarrative agency.

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cyndraws · 11 months ago

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Kaishin secret santa 2023

This is a Kaishin roleswap au for @blueamphibians! I hope you enjoy this art + my ramblings on the au underneath. Because of course, I couldn't just leave it as one piece of art haha (ehem please buckle in for preparation)

Many thanks to @dcmkkaishinevents / Mack for hosting this event, it was super fun participating and interacting with the community <3 <3 As a side note, I would absolutely recommend it to others who are considering signing up next year. Everyone is very friendly!

(Hey Blue, I had more art planned but unfortunately many things came up. But I hope you enjoy this anyways! I might draw some more for you later ^-^ Thanks so much for this prompt <3 <3)

Edit: I have decided that now you will receive a completed arts + ramblings + some WIPs behind the scene hahahaha https://www.tumblr.com/cyndraws/737208478471487488/kaishin-secret-santa-2023-extras-basically-wips?source=share

AU ramblings under the cut (ngl it's a lot):

Random details and notes that don't really fit anywhere. Mostly about the fanart:

Kaito is 1 year older than Shin and is taller than him

This scene is set over the Haido City hotel. In the distance you can see Shiriyomi Trust Hotel (can't full recognise it behind Kaito but I assure you I drew it lol), Tokyo tower (easy to spot) and Roppongi Hills Mori Tower (Just behind Shin on the right, the one with the lights in a --u-- shape) Main reference: https://www.detectiveconanworld.com/wiki/Haido_City_Hotel

I was also screaming at the Kaishin pic in ED70 throughout this LMAO.

Kaito breaks through Shinichi's mysterious KID persona in this drawing and Shinichi shyly reveals his face behind the mask. Kaito then produces a blue flower, claiming it matches Shinichi's beautiful eyes (he's also the one who bred it)

Kaito has extra pockets sewn into his uniform to carry more tricks. This wasn't really necessary in canon, but here, Kaito has to be prepared to investigate at any moment.

Lmao help me render hair *stares at Kaito's* Cool effect but not quite right. I need to go experiment later.

Kaito/Shin getting shrunk (aka Conan situation) never happens in this au. But Haibara and the other victims are still around. Haibara still lives at the professor's.

Background:

Yusaku was much more entangled and involved with Toichi and his fight with the Black Org. Side note but in this au, Snake is from a division of the Black Org

As a result, they both end up being killed during the fateful accident. Yes, both Shinichi and Kaito are there for it. They were going to be introduced to each other on that day, but well,,, we can see the way it ended.

It wasn't well known that the Kuroba and Kudo family were close at all. Extra vigilance was taken after the funerals to ensure their safety. Their families parted ways for the better or worse after thsi event.

Yusaku's and Toichi's friendship/rivalry included collaborating for some heists, having a second secret base in the Kudo mansion, and Yusaku donning the Night Baron costume... even if he was just hidden in a car and sending information to Toichi via an earpiece lol.

After their husbands' deaths, Yukiko and Chikage meet up occasionally and travel together in secret.

Shinichi:

Shinichi never became a famous detective. The years after Yusaku died in the tragic accident, Yukiko and him tried their best to move on with varying success. Shinichi's dream to become a famous detective never came to fruition.

This was because for various reasons including not having Yusaku's guiding hand to develop Shin's detective skills, was only being taken to crime scenes for a year, and of course the trauma.

After avoiding detective work as much as he could (well considering that he's still a corpse magnet), Shinichi finally starts to dig through his memories. From then, he uncovered a strange inconsistency with the logic of his father's death and starts to obsess over the idea that it was a murder.

Shin painstakingly and slowly investigates in the shadows with his *ehem* admittedly rusty detective skills and chases after the very little crumbs left by the organisation. What he uncovers is that the accident wasn't one at all, but premeditated murder by an encompassing third party.

Shinichi finally finds a lead to,,, Jii Konosuke. This takes quite a few years, and Shinichi is 15 when he confronts Jii.

Jii reveals everything after Shinichi's deduction and also mistaking him for Kaito. And such Shinichi is brought into the fold. Shinichi also makes up his mind to take on the KID mantle, greatly sympathising with the fellow teen whose father was also involved.

The years after Shinichi uncovers the truth, he learns many skills such as disguise, acting and magic from Jii and Chikage. However, his magic skills will never be on par with Kaito's.

Shinichi in this au has more acting and disguise skills from living with his mother. She passed this skills onto him, and they bonded over it to recover from their grief.

When Shinichi is 17, he officially takes on the role of KID. Chikage permanently locked the KID cave in the Kuroba house, and the KID cave settled in its new home in the Kudo mansion. Inside the second base previously used by Toichi and Yusaku.

Shinichi as KID:

Well, he's just as dramatic as Kaito in canon, but it's a different kind of dramatic. Shin is more of a mysterious and cryptic phantom thief and wears a menacing Night Baron mask. He overall speaks less, and when he does, he says a lot of dramatic lines. Like in theatre almost, with plenty of double meanings.

He takes on a lot of aspects from the Phantom Lady and Jii's interpretation of KID.

And also, I was inspired by the Black Knight, Shiragami in canon, and AngelicSentinel's fantastic fic, Heart of Eternity. I guess you could describe it as more theatrely, cool and princely. He's still very athletic (laughing at Shinichi being Tarzan as Shiragami)

Unlike Kaito, Shin's notices often involve cryptic riddles. It satisfies Shinichi's puzzle loving side and adds to his mysterious reputation.

It's funny to me how Akako's 'Demon of Light' moniker is still accurate haha

Shinichi investigates a little in the shadows and is overall a touch more hot-headed than Kaito KID

He uses a lot more gadgets to cover for his lesser magic skills. He's still learning though! A lot of them are references to Conan's and KID's in canon. Between Jii and Agasa, he gets a lot of them haha. This includes:

Mask/monocle -> voice changer, mask to cover for poker face, zoom and night vision, tracker, microphone and radio, gas mask.

Transmitter/microphone -> button stickers, bugs in general, cufflinks. In some cases, a camera but it must be asked for first. Shin uses these to cover for Kaito's doves in canon.

Wristwatch -> Clock of course for his heist times, tranquilliser, emergency flashbomb (KID has one in canon too)

Shoes -> jet powered rollerskates (equivalent to skateboard). Of course, Shin still kicks things but it looks more to take down the occasional criminal, trigger emergency traps, and more. He doesn't kick often because it doesn't really suit the image of KID + it's a unique skill to have.

+ other usual KID gadgets -> smoke, flash, sleeping bombs, grapple gun, hang glider, etc.

Kaito:

He's still an aspiring magician

Since there's a rising amount of cases in Beika, Kaito gets recommended by Nakamori because of his magic skills. The idea is that his knowledge of magic tricks will help uncover the criminals' tricks... Well this includes basically all cases lol. It works though! And the news of Meitantei Kaito starts to spread.

Kaito falls in love with the dramatics and triumphs of figuring out a criminal's trick. He starts to get called into Beika every time a case is discovered. One different to Shin is that Kai gets called to the cases instead of the cases coming to him.

His detective persona is like KID's in canon - flirty, dramatic, confident, charming, a bit of a pervert, and a classic showman's personality. Aoko is sick of it hahaha.

Kai's deduction show is very dramatic. He uses flashy magic tricks to reveal evidence and tricks, and uses his magic to take down criminals.

This includes his acrobatics, trusty card gun and traps he set beforehand. I like to headcanon that Kaito invented his cardgun first before integrating into KID. Kaito's cardgun includes the normal sharp cards (Kaito uses it to pin down criminals with their clothes, cut ropes, etc), tranquilliser laced cards, smoke and flash bombs. And also sleeping bombs but he uses it vary sparingly because even that toes the law a little too much... Megure is exasperated but the criminals are taken down quickly without much harm so he lets it slide

Kaito also follows in the spirit of dubious investigation. He changes his voice, uses his doves to spy on others, uses disguises (very very rarely), and is noisy overall.

Kaito and Hakuba:

Has a detective rivalry with Hakuba.

Hakuba still thinks, even in this au, that Kaito is KID. After all, Shin's profile is very similar to Kaito's. Kaito vehemently denies it but acts like a KID fan around Hakuba to annoy him. He isn't really though, citing KID's magic to be third rate, but he is still intrigued.

Hakuba offhandedly slips in wording and insinuations to Kaito's huge annoyance. You can imagine them bickering at a crime scene while Megure is just Too Used to this.

Much later on, when Kaito learns Shinichi's identity, Kaito tells Shinichi's about Hakuba's warnings. So Kaito is kinda a messenger between the two. Despite Hakuba being annoying, Kaito knows he can trust him.

~ Other character interactions:

Shinichi and Kaito:

Shinichi is still a corpse magnet. So he encounters a case, calls the police, and escapes as fast as he can after giving a witness statement. This is partly to avoid the awkwardness of meeting Megure and the police officers (he hasn't met them since his father died), as well as his new night job.

This results in the most frustrating yet amusing situation where Shin and Kaito miss meeting each other for quite a few years. Shinichi is busy hurrying off while Kaito is called to the scene and busy listening to the details.

Quick sketch I may/may not fully finish in the future:

Description: Set in suburban Beika. Shinichi is at the foreground, looking at his watch and worrying about meeting Jii on time. Meanwhile, next to a police car, Megure merrily discusses case details to Kaito. Kaito is glancing over to Shinichi in curiosity while keeping an ear open. He has his hands in his pockets. Behind Megure, the scene has police tape barring entrance.

Kaito thinks KID is a third rate magician but can appreciate the dramatics and mysteriousness. He is Intrigued. This leads to a meeting later on. Kaito uses his connection to Nakamori.

Shinichi is of course startled by Kaito's namedrop.

... Sorry no more details/plan about their meeting. It's definitely a dramatic face off though.

Regarding Shinichi's identity reveal, I was playing around with the idea that Snake is there, threatening the two at gunpoint and sneering over the '"lovely family reunion between father and son". It would definitely spur Kaito to grill Shin for more details

Shinichi and Hattori:

Hattori hears about the "Meitantei of the East" and goes off to meet him and challenge him to a deduction battle. He doesn't know how to contact him, so he goes with the strat of wandering around Beika until he runs into a case. He figured that with the high rate of cases being reported, he's eventually run into Kuroba ,,, yeah hahahaha Thats his entire plan

Luckily for Hattori, his detective luck exponentially multiplies with Shin's and a scream runs out. As Shinichi is reporting the crime and tried to head off, Hattori slings an arm around his shoulders to stop him from sneaking off.

Hattori loudly greets him as Kuroba despite Shinichi's insistence that "No, I am NOT Kuroba, please get your arm off me". Insert much scepticism from Hattori.

Even after they part ways, this isn't the last they see of each other. Hattori keeps wandering around Beika while running into Shinichi. They eventually become friends huhu.

Shinichi and the Detective Boys:

The Detective Boys admire Kaito a lot. Obviously they've watched the news reports on TV. So when they see him at the park playing soccer, they glomp him HAHAH Poor Shinichi

At this point I think people mistaking Shinichi as Kaito can be a running gag. The Detective Boys keep annoying Shinichi and even attempt breaking into the 'Edo house' to see the ghosts... Shinichi is still not happy. And also, when they visit Haibara, they're basically next doors so Shinichi's never going to get them out of his life.

Despite the annoyance, he eventually becomes fond of them and takes on the big brother sort of role.

When Kaito and Shinichi get acquainted, they take the DB on outings a lot. The DB is very fond of Kaito-nii-san and Shinichi-nii-san.

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