#no you don't get it. i've been trying to write it for a MONTH
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Huh. I've been trying to read Legends & Lattes for like... a few months now. And I'm a fast reader! I don't dislike it, it's not unpleasant to read, but it's true that I never felt the urge to read it. I've never had that "gotta see what happens next" feeling. I figured it was just because I've been burnt out and tired and not really in the mood for reading, but all of the above... Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
On the one hand, I find a lot of books have too much tension for me, and it exhausts me. You need a break sometimes, and a lot of stories really lean hard into the constant cliffhangers in every scene, so you feel like you have to keep going or you can't let go. (Or, well. That's how it affects me, anyway.) Too much tension is stressful, and my threshold for what constitutes "too much" is probably lower than most people.
But it's true that Legends & Lattes basically has... almost no tension at all. I'm less than halfway through it after all this time, and I feel no compulsion to keep reading, because... well, it doesn't really matter, does it? It doesn't matter what happens next. Probably things will turn out fine, given the whole "cozy" genre. There has yet to be a problem that isn't solved within one or two chapters. If I stopped reading right now and never went back, and the characters and the story remained exactly at that point forever, it would be fine. Nothing is unresolved. Less than halfway through the story, nothing is unresolved.
I feel like the author is trying to emulate the vibes of one of those lo-fi music to bake cookies to or whatever playlists. But you can't write a story that functions like that. That kind of music is nice to put on the background while you're doing something else, but you can't put a novel on in the background. You have to focus your attention on it. And the whole point of that music is that you don't pay attention to it. It just fills the air while you focus on something else.
Trying to write a novel with the vibes of a lo-fi background music playlist isn't going to get you a compelling narrative. There has to be some kind of engagement there. And yeah, it doesn't have to be high stakes, but there has to be tension. Something needs to remain unresolved until the end, otherwise why keep reading?
I'm gonna have to give Yield Under Great Persuasion a go, I suppose.
Cozy Fantasy and Why It Doesn't Work
I think I am among many who feel like they should love cozy fantasy and have found it an incredibly lacking genre.
This newly branded "cozy fantasy" genre that has taken readers by storm since 2020 and while it is new that books are now marketed as cozy, the genre itself isn't new. Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones is a great example of the genre before it was labeled and also how to make it work.
Cozy fantasy is defined by many as fantasy with low stakes. Fantasy aesthetic but less sword fights. On paper, it sounds great. But the execution has been less than stellar for readers like me. The lack of physical stakes has also impacted the emotional stakes of these books, creating forgettable characters with boring problems. As a romance reader, I find this frustrating. Romance is known for being a predictable and formulaic genre, the now defunct Romance Writers of America defined romances as needing happy endings, a term romances have continued to follow. Yet these romance texts manage to have low physical stakes (how to date your neighbor, how to confront your toxic friends, etc) while still maintaining high personal stakes that keep readers invested and begging for more. So I was initially confused why cozy fantasy authors struggle to write texts that connect to readers like me.
I think I have found the answer which is the genre is just here for vibes. It is all about aesthetic, not even worldbuilding that fantasy is known for as most cozy fantasy I read have so many problems as soon as you ask one question. It is hard to acknowledge that a genre that is pitched to work for readers like me doesn't work for many of us. Especially because occasionally there is one that works beautifully to my taste.
I often say my favorite cozy fantasies that are more contemporary are short and visual, which I plays into the idea of the genre being an aesthetic. The Bakery Dragon by Devin Elle Kurtz is a good example because it is a simple story that is given the perfect amount of pages and gorgeous visuals without dragging on when the message is very clear and easy to understand. Books like The Phoenix Keeper and Legends and Lattes have absolutely nothing for me, their very clear message hitting the reader over and over so the readers don't miss it and focusing on the aesthetic of worldbuilding rather than the reality of the fantastic elements within the world.
I guess my point is. . . I realize this genre isn't for me since I have realized it is more of an aesthetic than anything. .. .but I want it to be. Should I let it go and put my efforts elsewhere? Or should I keep exploring this new trend and find the hidden gems?
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Do you know if there's a chance that someone just... Can't do magic? I feel like none of my spells work despite trying different methods and advice, I've never been chosen by a deity like most practicioners seem to be, I feel like there's something I'm missing fundamentally that means I just can't make magic. How can I check, so I stop giving myself hope and then having it crushed?
Perhaps a bad faith take, but I doubt most practitioners have been chosen by deities. I am of the opinion that many people believe they are supposed to be chosen and then use very lax systems of omen reading to justify that such-and-such god is claiming them.
Over the years, many people have asked me for help getting their spells to work, or solving such-and-such magical blockage.
And unfortunately, just about every time, the end result is that the person really has not done as much work as they think they have done, and they are still more or less on square one (or square zero) of practice.
Here are the sorts of questions I would ask you if we were chatting about this:
Focus
What specific school of magic are you trying to learn? "Witchcraft" and "magic" are not schools. Are you trying to learn Traditional Witchcraft? Lodge Magic? Chaos Magick? Appalachian Folk Magic? Dianic Wicca?
Out of the school of magic you are trying to learn, how many books have you read about it?
Out of those books, how many of them focused on actual technique and theory? As in, explaining the magical theories as to why this system works the way it does.
Do you have a clear understanding of why this magical system works the way it does? Can you describe it to me?
Within the magical system you have chosen to study, is there a clearly laid groundwork for what practitioners are supposed to have to do before they are valid/initiated/adept within this system? If so, have you achieved all of those requirements?
How many months of ongoing study and practice do you think is reasonable until you are ready to move to a new school of focus?
Learning Plan
Witchcraft is a complex and variable skill that, like writing a novel, requires a working knowledge of many diverse skillsets.
What is the specific goal you are working towards at this time? "Getting a spell to work" is not specific enough. "Casting a prosperity spell that is able to generate small amounts of cash, gifts, or benefits within a 2 week period" is the type of thing I mean.
What is your lesson plan to achieve that goal? An example might be, 1) read a book on prosperity magic, 2) study and research 5 accessible plants related to prosperity, 3) learn an energy raising technique, 4) learn how to charge correspondences, 5) learn how to add correspondences to candle spell, 6) learn magical timing techniques.
Even if you do not have a lesson plan, can you name the top 3 things you have been actively practicing to try and become a better practitioner? Examples might be energy raising, visualizing techniques, talking to spirits.
Once you formulate a lesson plan, ask yourself how many hours you think is reasonable to spend on each step. If you don't think you've ever successfully raised energy before, do you think it's fair that you might require 10 hours of practice learning your first energy raising technique before you can do it?
Could you explain to me the steps you believe are required to perform magic? Include how many hours you've spent practicing techniques applicable to each step.
Practice
Think of magic as being like learning to close a restaurant by yourself. You must be experienced in all of the stations, and have in-depth knowledge about the standards required. Do you also have such experience and understanding when it comes to your own craft?
Outside of reading and study, since the start of your practice, how many hours of concerted effort have you put in trying to perform magical techniques? This includes energy work, casting spells, sensing energies, divination, talking to spirits.
Write a list of each specific magical technique you have tried to learn. Not just "energy work" but, "Earth-roots grounding visualization to raise or balance energy into the planet." "Gathering energy into the lungs and exhaling to release excess energy." "Trying to contact the spirits of tarot cards." Be very specific. Next, write down how many hours you think you have spent practicing each technique. Which techniques have you spent more than 10 hours practicing, even if that practice is across years?
Write down every spell you ever remember trying to cast. How many are there?
Of all the spells you've tried to cast, are they from a wide variety of intents (such as prosperity, protection, luck, binding, conjuring), or are they mostly one type (e.g., prosperity)? Write down how many different kinds of spells you've tried to cast, based on intent. Have you practiced at least 5-10 spells in each category?
Technique
You've asked me, so given the way I do things:
How long does it take you to cast simple spells? Do you think it might be reasonable to expect that casting even a simple spell could take 30 minutes or more?
When you work spells, how long does it take you to raise energy? This can also include hours/days spent finding objects/ingredients of natural power. Would you say that you spend at least 10-15 minutes raising magical power for every spell that you cast?
When you work spells, how do you imprint/program energy? How do you stamp it with your intent so you know it's going to do what you want it to do?
When you work spells, how do you deliver them to their target? What techniques and methods do you employ to make sure they can get to where they need to go?
Before you cast spells, how much divination or investigation do you perform to make sure the spell will be effective for your purposes? Even a perfect screwdriver will fail where a hammer is required.
Do you use traditional techniques like aligning your spells to planetary timing, gathering taglocks, casting circles, or calling quarters?
Hygiene
How often do you perform self-cleansing? Otherworldly grime can obfuscate magical power.
Have you ever cast, or had others cast for you, unblocking or unbinding spells to help open the roads of your power?
How often do you engage in managing your personal energy? For example, centering/reclaiming exercises to pull escaped energy back into yourself, or energy gathering exercises to build up personal power.
Resources
Of the people you are asking for magical help, are they all a part of the same group who carry similar worldviews and would tend to suggest the same advice?
Of the people you are asking for magical help, how many of them are able to affirm that they are mentors, teachers, spirit doctors, or consultants qualified to help people with the problem you have?
Do you have a group you can work with to practice skills, such as energy charging and energy reading?
When you cast spells, do you have someone you can send photos of the spellwork to, so they can try to perform readings or diagnosis on what's actually going on?
Reality
Have you chosen a start date for your practice (such as, "I've been a practitioner for 2 years,") but in reality you have only tried to practice magic for a very limited time (say, 1 or 2 months out of that period)? If so, is it possible that you are comparing yourself to the success of a practitioner of 2 years, instead of a practitioner of 2 months?
Does the kind of magic you believe in dictate that rigor and technique are required to achieve results? Or are you more working in the "visualize and believe" arena?
Are you comparing your successes to people who are telling the truth about their practice? Is it possible people you are comparing yourself to are not using rigorous self-assessment when they calculate their own wins?
Are you comparing your successes to people who may have been practicing for decades or more on intensive paths, or who have spent thousands of hours honing their practice within a single area?
Are you being realistic about what actual success looks like? For example, casting a protection spell, something not protected against happens, and then deciding that because something bad in general happened, the entire protection failed.
Anyway Anon, to actually answer your question: no, I don't believe some people just "can't do magic." In very rare circumstances, some people may have serious blockages or entanglements going on that must be resolved before they can do magic. Others may require less intensive spellwork like unblocking to clear the way (like idk, maybe granny prayed over you in the crib that you'd never get involved with all this evil occult stuff).
It's my experience that almost everyone who thinks they can't do magic, if they were being very honest with themselves, would have a hard time coming up with actual lists of things they have done to try to be better at magic; they have perhaps practiced for a handful of hours across several months; they are not learning core skills (like energy work, divination, or trancework); and they are not working off of tried-and-true systems, but are rather setting up camp at the intersection of every possible shortcut (clear quartz, rosemary, and roses are universal substitutes; you don't have to use any physical tools or ingredients; visualization is the same as energy raising; intent is all you need; traditional methods of targeting such as obtaining taglocks are irrelevant; casting a circle is irrelevant; magical headspace is irrelevant; building and consecrating of holy areas such as altars is irrelevant; astrological timing and places of power are irrelevant; going to great lengths to obtain or preserve power is irrelevant).
The other 3% of people pissed on a fairy tree when they were kids and need to spend a couple of months working with a mediator to rectify their relationship with the spirit world.
Do feel free to DM me, if you like.
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An Angel on the Ice
A/N: happy @acotargiftexchange to you, @duskandcobalt! I'm your Secret Santa, finally here with your gift! I had so much fun getting to know you and your love for this wonderful couple. I'm so so sorry I made you wait till the very end, I've been busier than I expected. BUT!! I have a second little surprise coming for you in the next few days (probably on Christmas day). I came up with the idea while writing this fic, but I didn't know how to include it here, so it'll be a little drabble on its own. Without further ado, here's your gift. Enjoy! And congratulations for guessing what Az's surprise was!
Pairing: Azriel x Elain
Summary: Azriel takes Elain to the Illyrian mountains for a romantic surprise.
Word count: 2.9k
Warnings: fluff, fluff, FLUFF
The cold winter air hit Elain in the face as she stepped out of the little art shop and onto the street.
The snow that had fallen during the night still coated the cobblestones, blanketing everything in a thin layer of soft white. It had brought along the cold, so freezing that her wool hat did little to warm her.
Azriel followed her outside, a wing already curling protectively around her, drawing her closer to his side. Except he was carrying the bags full of the presents they'd bought for their family, and she was still walking a couple feet away from him.
“You know, you don't have to carry all of the bags,” she said, reaching out with a gloved hand to relieve him of some weight. “I can hold some.”
He moved his hand further away, out of her reach. “I know you can, angel,” he said with a soft smile. “I just don't want you to. You're cold. You should keep your hands in your pockets.”
“I'm wearing gloves,” she pointed out, though she didn't try to grab the bags again. She knew Azriel wouldn't let her. “I'm not cold.”
A small dimple appeared on his cheek as he smirked at her. Even after months together, Elain's heart skipped a beat at the sight, her fingers twitching at her side with the urge to touch it and place a soft kiss there.
“Then why are your nose and cheeks red?”
She rolled her eyes, a smile playing on her lips. “My sister was right. You Illyrians really are overprotective mother hens.”
Yet even as she said it, her hands slid back into the pockets of her coat. Azriel's smirk grew at the movement, but he didn't comment.
“We have to earn that title somehow,” he said instead. Elain laughed, and his smile became softer. “Let's go home.”
Home. There was a time when she'd thought the Night Court would never be her home. Only three years ago, it had felt impossible. Turned Fae against her will, shoved at a male she didn't know or want, with powers she had no idea how to control, and a broken engagement on top of it all… she'd felt hopeless.
But as she'd learned how to accept and navigate her new life, Azriel had been there to help her through it. Something had slowly changed between them, a feeling that grew inside her until she could no longer pretend it wasn't there. But acting on it had led to a denied kiss in the dead of the longest night of the year. A broken heart, that feeling of hopelessness again, and then the explanation, the argument with Rhysand, the rejection of her mating bond.
Elain stole a glance at Azriel. Just a Winter Solstice ago, he had told her it had been a mistake. And now here he was, carrying their bags full of presents, on their way to the small house they'd bought a few months ago.
“You're staring, angel.”
She couldn't help the smile that blossomed on her lips. “You're just so beautiful to look at.”
She knew the effect the words would have on him, but by the Mother, she would never get tired of the way his cheeks turned a slight shade of pink. It was visible even now, when they were already reddened by the cold. It happened every time she called him beautiful, and it was one of the many things she loved about him.
“How many presents do you still have to buy?” she asked him, changing the topic to make him feel more comfortable. If they were at home, she might have teased him about his blush, but not in public.
“Just a couple,” he answered, the flush already disappearing from his cheeks. “But I know what I'll get them. The only one I miss is Cassian.”
“You can always get him beef jerky this year too,” she joked, avoiding an ice patch on the cobblestones.
Azriel glanced at her. She knew he was making sure she didn't slip on the street. Overprotective mother hen, indeed. Yet she immediately stepped back into the warmth of his wing around her.
“I might, actually,” he finally replied, no hint of joking in his voice.
She turned her head to look at him, her brow furrowed. But he looked completely serious. “You can't gift him beef jerky, Az! Two years in a row at that.”
“Why not? He likes it.”
Elain shook her head in disbelief. “Because he's your brother. You always come home with a new present for me, but you can't think of anything different for your brother?”
Azriel smirked. “I'm not in love with my brother, angel.”
It was her turn to blush now. She knew he loved her, of course. They'd said it before a thousand times. But Azriel had his own way of saying it when she least expected it — reminding her whenever he could, catching her off guard and making her heart beat faster every single time.
“You know that's not what I meant,” she mumbled. She preceded him up the few steps to their front door, her fingers stiff even inside the gloves. She fumbled with the key for a moment before she managed to turn it in the lock.
The warmth of the living room welcomed her inside, the smell of the bread she'd baked that morning still lingering in the air.
“It can be difficult to come up with something new and different after five hundred years,” Azriel said as he followed her in. He set the bags down before turning to face her. “You'll see.”
Elain took off her gloves, then her hat, his words swirling in her mind. “You know, it used to scare me,” she mused. “The thought of having eternity in front of me.”
Azriel watched her carefully. “But now it doesn’t?”
She shook her head, stepping closer. “No.” Her arms wrapped around him, and she rested her chin on his chest, tilting her head up to look at him. “Because now I get to spend it with you.”
His throat bobbed. She was the one who'd caught him off guard this time. At a loss of words, Azriel buried his fingers in her hair, angling her head so he could lean down and capture her lips in a kiss that left her dizzy. The kind of kiss that usually meant they would take things up to the bedroom. Or whatever nearest surface they could find.
But he pulled back instead. Elain's heart was already racing in her chest, and she was rising on her toes for another kiss when he spoke again.
“I have a surprise for you.”
She stopped, lowering herself onto her feet. “Winter Solstice is still a week away.”
With the holidays nearing, he’d stopped getting her little gifts out of nowhere. He said he wanted to wait because everything had to be perfect this year. Their first Solstice together.
“It's not a present,” he replied. His hand slid from her hair to her cheek, and she had trouble focusing as his thumb brushed her lip. “It's something I want to do with you. I wanted to wait till Solstice, but now it just feels like the right moment.”
Elain could only nod. “Okay,” she whispered.
His chuckle was a low rumble that resonated deep in her chest. “What happened, angel?” he asked softly. “Where did your voice go?”
“You're… distracting me.”
It took her a moment to snap out of it, to find the strength to step back and let his hand fall away from her face. But she didn't miss his smug grin at her admission.
She cleared her throat, trying to clear her mind as well and focus on Azriel’s surprise. “What do you want to do?” she asked as she reached for the first button of her coat.
Azriel's hand gently caught hers to stop her. “Keep it on,” he said. “We need to go back outside.” At her curious look, he added, “I want to take you to Rhys's cabin.”
Well, that was certainly a surprise.
“Rhys's cabin?” she repeated, even as she slid her gloves back on. “Why?”
He smiled, offering her the hat she'd hung on the coat rack. “It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you, angel.”
“Right,” she chuckled. She made sure to grab a warm scarf as well this time before silently offering him her gloved hand.
Azriel took it in his larger one, and then they were winnowing out of Velaris and deep into Illyrian territory.
The first thing Elain noticed was the cold, her breath forming a faint puff in the air. Then she took in the snow that covered everything, white and bright under the afternoon sun.
Azriel's hand tightened around hers, and he guided her toward the cabin just a few yards away. The snow reached their calves, and never before had Elain been so glad to be wearing boots.
“I'm starting to question why you brought me here,” she mumbled, struggling to wade through the snow even as she followed directly in the path his footsteps left behind.
“I'm sorry, angel,” he replied, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. “I promise it'll be worth it.”
He glanced over his shoulder at her, sizing her up as if he was pondering picking her up and carrying her to the cabin. But a few more steps finally brought them to the door, and he ushered her inside.
Her breath caught as she looked up.
Every wall was covered in paint, drawings in a style that she immediately recognized as her sister’s.
“Are those…?”
Azriel nodded, a faint smile on his lips. “Yes. Feyre painted them.” He let go of her hand and pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head. “Wait here. I’ll get what we need.”
Elain watched him disappear down the hallway, wings tucked tight against his back. She sank onto the couch, admiring her sister’s artwork all over the room, its colors adding warm to the otherwise bare place.
Azriel was back in a matter of minutes, two pairs of shoes in his hands.
As he walked closer and took a seat next to her, she noticed the thin blades attached to the soles. She frowned even as she accepted the pair that he offered her. “What are these exactly?”
He was already working on swapping his boots with the new ones. “You’re asking a lot of questions today,” he quipped with a smile. “Put them on, angel. They’re Mor’s, but they should fit you. You’ll find out what they're for soon enough.”
Elain let out a dramatic sigh, hiding her own smile as she leaned down to take off her boots. “You’re lucky I love you, Shadowsinger.”
Azriel’s eyes softened. “I never once doubted it, angel.”
When she was done, he helped her stand, giving her just enough time to balance herself on those strange boots before he winnowed them again. She instinctively gripped his arm to steady herself as they reappeared on the shore of a frozen lake. She looked around, her eyes searching the snowy expanse, but there was nothing in sight expect the white mountains.
Before she could ask anything — despite knowing how slim her chances of getting a straight answer out of Azriel were — he stepped back. Right on the icy surface of the lake.
Elain gasped, expecting the ice to give way beneath him and send him plunging into the freezing water below.
But nothing happened. The ice didn't even creak under his weight. Azriel simply stood there, a smile on his beautiful face, and extended a hand toward her. “Come join me, angel.”
She hesitated, glancing down at his feet. Though she was standing on the same thin blades, she wasn’t moving, and she wasn’t entirely sure she wouldn’t fall flat on her face if she tried to step forward.
“Why are we stepping on the ice?” she inquired, hoping to buy herself a little more time.
“We're skating,” Azriel explained, finally giving her an answer. To demonstrate, he glided backward a few feet, his wings flaring slightly to steady him before he slid back toward her. He gracefully stopped right at the edge of the lake. “You should give it a try.”
Elain didn't move. He made it look so easy, but who knew how many times he had done this before? He also made wielding a sword look easy.
“You won't fall, Ellie,” he reassured her, as if he had read her mind. He reached out with both hands. “And even if you do, I'll be here to catch you. I promise.”
She might not trust herself, but she trusted him — trusted that he would always be there to catch her if she fell. So she took his hands and slowly set one foot on the ice, then the other.
Azriel smiled at her, his fingers firm around hers. “That's it, angel. We'll take it one step at a time. Just bend your knees a little and follow my lead.”
She did as he asked and when he moved back, he gently pulled her along. Her feet glided over the surface of the lake, leaving faint lines behind.
He gave her a few instructions, guiding her further from the shore, never letting go. Slowly, Elain became more confident, more stable on her feet as she got used to the movements. It reminded her of a dance, one that could be elegant and beautiful when someone was skilled. She made a mental note to tell Nesta about it later.
“Where did you learn to do this?” she asked. Azriel was holding only one of her hands now, and they skated side by side. Still slowly, but they had gained some speed. “It doesn't seem like a typical Illyrian activity.”
Azriel laughed. It was that beautiful, deep laugh he reserved just for her. “You're right. It's not.” His laughter softned, but its warmth lingered in his voice. “It's common in the Winter Court. Viviane taught Mor a few centuries ago, and she taught the rest of us.”
He slowed them to a stop, shifting to stand in front of her. “I never thought I would, but I took a liking to it.”
Elain smiled up at him. “I think I like it too.”
“I thought you might.” He brought her hand up to his lips, placing a kiss on her gloved knuckles. “Want to try skating on you own?”
She thought about it for a moment, then she nodded. “Alright. But don't wander too far, okay?”
Azriel's smile was bright and soft. “Never, angel.”
He let go of her hand and moved a few feet away from her. At first, she faltered without his grip to steady her, but she quickly adjusted, his earlier instructions echoing in her mind.
For every step she took toward him, Azriel moved further back. Elain felt like a child learning to walk, her movements awkward but growing more confident with every push of her foot. Soon, gliding over the ice came naturally. And Azriel was always there, his hands outstretched to catch her if she fell. But she didn’t.
When he stopped and she reached him again, his hazel eyes were bright with pride and love. “You did it, Ellie.”
“Yes,” she replied, already intertwining their fingers again. “But don't let go of my hands again.”
Azriel's brow furrowed. “Why? You did great. You didn't even stumble.”
“I know.” Elain smirked, unable to hide her own satisfaction from her little accomplishment. “I just want to hold your hand.”
His expression softened, and a smile spread across his lips. That adorable dimple appeared once again, and with it came back her need to kiss it. Damn skates, she couldn't rise on her toes with those on.
“I will never let you go, angel,” he promised.
And he didn't.
Elain had no idea how much time they spent on that lake. It was just him and her, lost in the snowy mountains in the middle of nowhere. The silence was broken only by their laughter and quiet words. It felt as though they were the only two people in the world, free from worries and duties, lost in this moment, in each other, in a love born from quiet understanding and gentle touches.
The sun was setting by the time Azriel came to a halt, wrapping his strong arms around her. “We should probably get back,” he murmured, his voice soft as if to preserve the moment. “It's getting late.”
“And cold,” she added. Without the warm sunlight, the already cold air had turned into a freezing bite. Her scarf and hat didn't help much, and even Azriel's warmth couldn't stop her gloved hands from stiffening.
“We could take a hot bath,” she suggested. “Or I could make us some hot chocolate and we can cuddle in front of the fireplace.”
Azriel smirked, mischief sparkling in his eyes. “And losing the chance of seeing your gorgeous body? I think I'll choose that bath, angel.”
Elain's cheeks turned a deep shade of red. “I… didn't mean it like that.”
His face fell slightly as worry creeped into his eyes. “You know we don't have to do anything if you don't want to, angel. I'm sorry if I assumed—”
She cut him off with a soft smile. “Az, I just hadn't thought about it. I'd love to take a bath together.” She cupped his face with her small hands, her voice barely above a whisper. “Take me home, Shadowsinger.”
His arms tightened around her, and he winnowed them away without another word, her laughter echoing in the now-empty glade.
dividers by @tsunami-of-tears
General taglist: @mrsjna @navyblue-eternity @paintedbyshadows @highladyandromeda @starswholistenanddreamsanswered @azrielsmate3 @mollygetssherlockcoffee @mirandasidefics @tinystarfishgalaxy @cynthiesjmxazrielslover @anarchiii @readinggeeklmao @anneas11 @azrielslittleslut @lilah-asteria @aaahhh0127 @lorosette @azrielsrealmate @pey2618 @mellowmusings @k8r123-blog @daughterofthemoons-stuff @minnieoo @saltedcoffeescotch @georgiadixon
#acotargiftexchange#azriel#elain archeron#elriel#azriel x elain#elriel fanfic#elriel fluff#azriel shadowsinger#acotar#a court of thorns and roses#sjm#sarah j maas#fluff#acotar fanfic#fanfiction
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Hello hello !! This is Aspen. As one of the people who came upon the post that is the center of the current conflict, I thought I'd come forward.
I was scrolling through my FYP when I came across this post. I read through it out of curiosity, but this particular part made me stop in my tracks.
— from @childrenofcain-if, this post.
You see, this part has strong similarities to a book I'd read only a few months ago and loved dearly.
— The Raven Boys (The Raven Cycle Book #1)
It has such similar beats. Character A accusing Character B of being condescending, or trying to make them feel stupid. Character B lashing out and saying practically the exact same lines, just a little remixed, in response. I didn't want to jump to conclusions, but I didn't want to just ignore it, either.
Even more concerning, there was no mention of the Raven Cycle anywhere at all. There was no attempt to credit the source this snippet had so clearly been 'inspired' by. (and that's another argument that i won't get into for now, because the lines between inspiration and straight up copying can blur real fast.)
I don't hold nearly enough knowledge about the incidents that happened in the past to truly comment on it, but I've heard concerning things regarding @/childrenofcain-if and plagiarism. The PJO if I've aside, actual people have voiced actual concerns about the 'what lovely bones' and 'IT'. That compounded with this latest thing only serves to make things more suspicious.
And @/childrenofcain-if's responses don't serve to inspire confidence.
It took him several reblogs to come right out and admit that that certain snippet was taken from The Raven Boys. Why didn't he come right out and say so in the first place? Why didn't he credit them if he was aware that he was taking that quote? Immediately going up in arms and trying to make someone look bad for accusing you of plagiarism when they hold actual pieces of evidence — instead of logically explaining why such a thing occurred and your reasonings behind them — is far from the powerful clapback you may wish to present.
Plagiarism is plagiarism and the way you, author, handled this does not inspire confidence at all. Perhaps that was a snippet that wasn't in the official game at all, but are people really wrong for thinking that you would plagiarize in the official game as well? The snippets we write outside of the game are still supposed to be our works, aren't they? They're something we're supposed to take pride in. Whether those snippets were 'official' or not, they were still written by you, and you represent the face of your official game.
When you plagiarize, no matter if it was official or not, people will notice.
And attacking those same people for having the gall to point them out won't fool anyone with working critical thinking skills.
Ciao, Axel! I've been following this project for a while now and really like your work. I just wanted to drop in here and tell you that the recent surge in hate asks may be from group chats and discord servers where people are very hateful towards interactive fiction authors.
I'm not in them personally but my friend is and she told me that's probably where a lot of the asks come from. There's you, Amy, Morgan, 13Leagues, and a lot of other authors that they do this to almost on a weekly basis. My friend has since left the server because it was getting more about hating on these authors than discussing interactive fiction.
I can share some username with you in PM if you need them, my friend was a lurker and got as much of the information as she could before leaving.
i’m so confused by this, ngl.
so they don’t like me or these authors, like concerningly so, but they still take the time out of their day to check our blogs on a regular basis, read everything we write, type up hate comments for us to read and enjoy? something is not clicking here cause why do they sound like obsessed exes?
i appreciate the heads up, dear bonnie, but i don’t need the usernames. their actions are already so pathetic that it gave me a good laugh lmao.
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Sims In Bloom: Generation 2 Pt. 111 (Making Progress on the Case?)
Conrad gave Malcolm's video to a tech at work the next day, and while they worked he updated the police chief. "I'm sure it's him. When the video comes back, we'll know."
"The precinct still won't send you to George Brindleton's villa in Sulani until the video can be analyzed, Gordon. I know how badly you want to get there, but you can't take any more of this investigation off grid. You've got a lot of nerve getting Judge Morrison to rush a warrant on a Landgraab. I don't care how well you think you know him."
"I'm sorry, Chief. I've been getting a little desperate to solve this one, and because he's a Landgraab, I knew you'd tell me to hold off if I asked for permission first."
The chief rolled her eyes. "One of these days your instincts might fail you, Lieutenant, and all that risk you take won't have reward."
Two officers entered the room after a knock at the door. "Lieutenant Gordon, we brought in someone you're going to want to talk to. She says she's an ex-girlfriend of Rafael Bonilla."
Immediately, Conrad knew who he meant. Melissa Ramsay. He'd found old social media posts from a deleted account with their photos. He found her in the police database, subject to an outstanding warrant after a bust Rafa had also been involved in when they were sixteen, and had put out an APB on her almost a year ago.
He entered the interrogation room, and she looked at him nervously in her orange jumpsuit. "I wasn't trying to avoid arrest. I thought it was all over, I swear. I was only there that night because I loved him. I didn't do anything."
Conrad could relate to her predicament. "I'm not trying to reopen an old case against you, Miss Ramsay. Your record after the bust is clean. But it's rare for someone who becomes their high school valedictorian not to continue to university. You've been harder to track down than most who have nothing to hide."
"I don't know what you want from me. I work in a flower shop. I can give you the name and number for my boss."
Conrad nodded, letting her write down the information. "When's the last time you spoke to Rafa Bonilla?"
"I don't remember."
"A few months ago. That's the last time I spoke with his sister, Ximena. And you might not know this about me, but over a decade ago, I loved her like you say you loved Rafa. So you don't forget."
"Maybe I didn't love him enough."
"You loved him enough to be there that night."
Melissa frowned. "We finally broke up three years ago and I haven't seen him since."
"Do you have any idea where he might be, or who he might be with?"
"I don't know. After the bust we didn't talk about his work, but it was always the problem between us until I finally left."
Again, Melissa's story rang true to Conrad's experience. "Did you know he's wanted by San Myshuno PD?"
She nodded. "I had nothing to do with those busts, either."
"I know that, Miss Ramsay. Do you think Rafa's on the run?"
"Maybe he finally got away from his sister. He knew she was dragging him down, but he didn't know what else to do with his life so he did whatever she asked. They had this loyalty that he couldn't shake. I begged him and I tried to deal with it for years, but finally I had to accept that she won and I walked away from him."
"If he ran, where would he go?"
"I really don't know, Lieutenant. He didn't talk about what he wanted to do because he thought the cartel was his only viable option."
"Has Ximena tried to find you since Rafa went missing?"
She shook her head. "She hated me so much, I don't think she's spared a single thought for me since Rafa and I broke up. She never wanted me around to begin with."
Conrad gave her his card and let her go, asking her to call if either Bonilla happened to reach out after so long. He hadn't learned enough from Melissa to justify a work trip to Sulani to find Rafa, but if Melissa was telling the truth, he'd been given valuable insight into Rafa's mind.
Ximena thought Rafa was happy to work at her side, running drugs and weapons for the cartel. But maybe the reason Ximena had been no real help in the search for Rafa was that she truly had no idea where he was. Maybe he'd been in hiding for years - from his warrants as well as his vicious sister.
He was beginning to get excited - the end of this very long tunnel might finally be in sight, but his run of luck couldn't last forever.
Frowning, the young officer who worked on his video approached him toward the end of the day. "I'm sorry, Lieutenant Gordon, but the facial recognition software couldn't pick up enough of the man's face in the video recording to confirm a match with Rafael Bonilla."
Conrad sighed. Though it felt he'd taken two steps forward and two steps back, forced to keep looking for evidence connecting Rafa to Sulani and the Brindletons, he still felt as though he was on the right track.
He returned home to his family that night, finding Ash and Lavender in the kitchen with a book.
"Give Twee, Dada! Pease?"
Lavender crossed her hands on her lap and smiled, melting any possible opposition. Not that he ever turned down a chance to read the kids a good story.
Heather gave Gord a bath while Conrad read, getting the kids ready for bed before a freshly-shampooed Gord bounded up the stairs to say good night.
"Nigh-nigh Go-dee," she said, patting his head gently as he leaned in for a nuzzle. "Go-dee wet!" She laughed wildly and wrapped her arms around him. "Lovey!"
Conrad's gorgeous family was a constant reminder why it was so important he find the Bonillas and move forward with his picture-perfect life. ->
<- Previous Chapter | Gen 2 Start | Gen 2.1 Summary
Gen 1 Start | Gen 1 Summary
#sims 4#sims 4 gameplay#sims 4 screenshots#sims 4 legacy#sims in bloom#ts4#ts4 gameplay#ts4 legacy#ts4 screenshots#sims 4 story#ts4 story#legacy challenge#sims legacy#ts4 legacy challenge#gen 2#brindleton bay
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i have chapters 3 and 4 of "sandalwood and ozone" ready, but chapter two absolutely refuses to be written, so i'll release the chapter in sections T.T
#wtf is life#the whole fic was inspired by a specific section that's ALREADY written. i'm DYING to show you guys#no you don't get it. i've been trying to write it for a MONTH#crying. screaming. throwing up.#pls.#sandalwood and ozone#varadeva#salaar
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Also, every time somebody asks me to update a fic that's been updated within the last two months, I push it down the mental list on fics I have to work on, because it's clearly getting too much attention. 😐 It's not even on purpose. It's an automatic thing my brain does to prioritize, because—shockingly— turning any hobby into an obligation sort of kills all the joy it might provide. Any will to work on it goes ✨poof✨, and then I open up a whole different WIP and work on that instead if I feel up to writing that night. It's one thing to come up and say you like something about my work and share parts you like with me, or ask for clarification, or ask whether or not I'll cover specific topics or ideas, but it's a whole other kettle of fish to ask for an update as if I've somehow missed a nonexistent deadline.
I'm not a content creator. I'm not trying to maximize reader retention or audience exposure... I'm a hobbyist. Don't get weird about it.
If I haven't updated something in months, it's usually because I haven't written any updates for that something in months. I'm not, like, hiding fic from you. I write what I want to write, when I want to write it, when it occurs to me to do so when I have time. I'm not obligated to finish anything. I'm not making money off of this— it's probably illegal for me to even try? I'm not making adsense or whatever imaginary partner program would be involved with Ao3; I'm not trying to make clout or get super popular. In fact, having my posts blow up on other pages has actually decreased my motivation entirely and made me want to nuke my blog and ao3 account! 🙃
So, like. Sorry you have to wait for the free work I'm doing and sharing freely with the internet? 🤨 I know that it does suck to wait, but relying on me to be consistent was kind of your mistake. I never promised anything of the sort in the first place. Fanfic authors that do keep to schedules are being very, very nice to you, and assuming that every author is going to do the same is a standard you're largely going to be disappointed by quite frequently.
#*chews a wad of bubblegum and blows a bubble*#also this is about 0 of you on tumblr#no tumblr person has done this to me#faer nonsense
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huh
#ok look i have so many things to say right now#i thought i would be happy to hear the news about his next project but#first of all i feel like a goddamn fool because i've been repeating for MONTHS that the warriors was just a rumour#that's literally what he said in one interview#and i was genuinely happy because i wanted him to write something original#not a fucking adaptation#honestly he can do better and we all know that#second of all a concept album doesn't sound bad but BUT#“major pop stars” my ass#what the actual fuck are you trying to tell me#i wanted a broadway show with broadway stars#i don't want pop stars#i might know what that means and i guess we're gonna get that collab with taylor but#this is#wow i have no words#i am so fucking disappointed#first the lion king which i already said i had mixed feelings about because it's just another disney project#now this#i was honestly expecting something original and spectacular#i kinda... hate this sorry#don't know gonna post this anyway#as my duty#i also want to know what everyone else thinks#am i the only one who's just deeply disappointed?#i'm so sad right now#maybe i'm just being overdramatic but#ugh#lin manuel miranda#lmm#boy you got me helpless*
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wanna toss a little note out there to everyone who's still waiting for me to reply to their dms — i see you, i love you, i promise i still really really want to talk to you, and i'm sorry if it seems like i'm ignoring you and have been since... fuck, october? i'm not, i want to reply, i'm just. struggling enough to just exist rn and socializing in any capacity is extremely strenuous for me and i simply haven't got the spoons for it atm. can't even get myself to function properly, let alone open discord akjsdsdkj i'm so sorry, i'll get back to all of you eventually. tysm for wanting to chat with me and for having such patience with me ;~; ♡
#i feel bad!!!! writing & being on the dash but then not replying to messages!!!!!#but i'm like. just now starting to fully accept that i think i'm deep in autistic burnout on top of being depressed as all fuck.#so i'm trying to be kind to myself i'm trying to not get overwhelmed by all these things i need to/should be doing.#i'm just. taking it slow. ...extremely slow. snails are speeding past me ok that's how slow#i will get back to you. hopefully soon but i've been saying that for like a month now so aksljfhds#idk. i'm sorry!!!! i love you!!!!!#i know i don't owe anyone anything but i still just. want y'all to know ok ;~;#don't want anyone to think i've lost interest bc i honestly haven't i just literally can't handle much atm askjfds#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.
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i love your fics and the ideas you describe for the ask games. i'm especially fond of your takes on the rarer pairings and i always smile when i see your posts in the ship tags <3
and don't stress too much about not posting anything, real life is important and participating in fandom should be fun, not something you have to force yourself to do. god knows fandom burnout is real, especially if you feel like people are expecting something from you. just keep doing what makes you happy :)
ghgfhgjhkjhjhg this was so sweet, thank you so much! i *love* talking about rarer rarepairs, especially if it gets other people to ship them too. the popular ships are fun and all, but i truly love spreading rarepair propaganda.
that's very reassuring, thank you <3 i've loved everything i posted here so far and have not felt pushed to post anything i haven't enjoyed, but sometimes i forget i can like. use this blog for whatever i want and not *just* headcanons/fics/mets/etc lol. and i also forget i don't have to rush myself. it's annoying to want to write and either not have time or not have the words work. i used to run a fandom blog in my teens that got very large and felt like a chore and i was so stressed about the need to perform and the numbers and all of that. like if a fic didn't do well i saw it as a personal failing and forced myself to write popular headcanons just for the numbers game. was not fun or sustainable in the long run and i think it contributed to me no longer having any taste for the ship i primarily wrote for. so for too long i treated existing in fandom like a job lol. i've mostly gotten it through to myself that this is a space for me, but i occasionally forget when i'm so caught up in all the things i want to get to for this blog. my to-write list is a mile long and i need to be bonked with a paper towel roll, i think. so it's very kind of you to say this bc the reminder is nice <3
#necrotic answerings#kindly praise#this was *so* sweet anon wtf#i'm not naming the blog i used to run#yes it still exists#and it's not hard to find if you really hunt my digital footprint tbh. i don't hide my main blog#both this blog and that blog are mentioned on my main so you could find it if you looked i'm not hiding it just also not advertising it#at my height i had about 4k followers over there#which in tumblr numbers for the ship i was writing felt like a lot to 15 yr old me#overall enjoyed it but *man*. it did get rough trying to game the system#bc generally even now when i'm writing a fic i *know* how it's going to preform#i've been surprised a couple times but typically#the combining factors of the ship's popularity and the concept's appeal to popular headcanon make it easy for me to parse out#and tbh it doesn't bother me anymore. like i know if i write say timcass or jeantim#it will not preform like jaytim will#and i'm okay with that#i write timcass bc *i* want to write timcass#so yk. i'm having fun#i just forget i can be more “low effort” on the blog too#esp bc i gained followers far quicker than i expected#i've had this blog for barely two months and i almost have 200 followers#made me shooketh i tell you.#i expected this to be yelling into some kind of void.#i wanna do something to celebrate hitting 200 but i'm unsure what#maybe i'll save it for 250 idk#anywhore.#ty anon i'm going to staple this ask to my forehead <3
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Magenta 😟
#I've had cognitive impairment from covid before but not to where i feel intellectually dumb when i write#my college papers and my writing projects dont sound like “me” as of late#its very bare bones and doesn't have the descriptiveness or humanity i normally give#like i see the scenes or what i want to say in my head#but what i type aint matching up#and yeah i naturally get into slumps like that but this is like that slump x 9000#I'm kinda scared this round might've given me brain damage#havent been feeling all the way like myself#but i also know too that covid takes a while to heal from and of course theres long covid shit which ive dealt with before#im just frustrated guys#i feel like within the last 3 to 4 months i finally healed from my last bout of rona#and i get it again and im back to square one#i just want to write and feel okay with it and not feel so stuck just trying to come up with a basic sentence#seriously even writing basic shit is hard right now#it took me a week to get 5 pages on duality#and im used to churning out at least 10 pages on my projects at minimum every couple days to a week#man give me chronic pain anyday but don't take away my mind and the freedom that comes with that#sorry guys im feeling sad#i know i gotta give myself time but im impatient#i hate how right before i caught covid again i was gonna get my flu shot and an updated covid vax#wish i could've avoided this crud#having weird chest shit too#was a heart thing now its gerd now its potentially back to a heart thing#im tired#i need a hug#i love you 🫂💙#magenta is my vent word
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Should make a pain killer that actually kills (or even touches) pain
#not that I have access to ultra hardcore stuff#but even when I had... pretty sure it was vicodine for my wisdom teeth; it didn't do a thing for me#cbd based stuff seems like it maybe helps; certainly does more than nsaids which do nothing for pain (great for inflammation though)#but I just... I'd really like something that actually makes my muscles and joints feel like... good; unpain#I'm sure it would be classified as addictive whatever it was but like... fuck man... I just want to not hurt#I can't tell if I have chronic pain cause... I kinda forget to pay attention when I'm hurting a lot of the time#I'll just... kinda realize I've been hurting bad all day and just not really focusing on it#and I also don't know how often it happens; if it's once a day or once a month or what; not great at noting that stuff down#but man... I don't even like most meds; so many meds either do nothing for me or make me feel like shit#like... benedril? however you spell it; someone gave me some once said it would help me sleep... help me be awake feeling like ass more lik#but like... love to see if muscle relaxants actually like... relaxed my muscles; but you get it; you get why I'll never be able to try it#though honestly I think therapeutic massage might help me a lot#but my doc says that really only gets authorized by physical therapy and... well for me physical therapy is useless#cause I forget to do the exercise; like it's me failing a physical therapy; not a probably with physical therapy#if I ever think I can keep up with it I'd love to try physical therapy for my back again; but I don't want to waste all my chances at it#not when... I descriptively didn't do it when I was in it before; I'd never remember to do any of the exercises#anyway; bonus story from when I was in urgent care when the infection came back (that's still never been solved)#I tell the doc 'last time it tore open a drainage hole it was the worst pain I've ever felt'... cause it was#I said 'I'll need something a bit stronger than an nsaid cause the nsaid did nothing but cut inflammation last time'#she's like 'don't worry; I got you'... wanna guess what she gave me? a newer nsaid#it didn't do shit; I was just lucky and it wasn't as painful... maybe the old drainage hole tore open easier this time#but I didn't even take the nsaid she prescribed; so I'm gonna say it wasn't that med helping#like I get it; you don't want to give opioids... and would it shock you to know that wasn't what I was looking for either#there's gotta be something between nsaid and fentynol man#...well... maybe the cdb has almost got my muscles... hurting less at least; only taken all this time I've been writing#they still hurt for sure... I don't know... get tired; you know?#mm tag so i can find things later
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.
#y'all my anxiety has me spiraling as of late because it just feels like my whole life is falling apart at this point#i got fired from my job a couple of months ago and i've been scrambling to try and find a new one#i work part time at a store i really love but it pays shit#and i've had all of these interviews and no one wants to hire me and i just feel unhireable at this point and it's hard not to despair#and on top of that i'm struggling with my self esteem again#i know i'm not ugly per se but i'm struggling with feeling confident in the way i look as a big girl#and all of my old insecurities are rearing their ugly heads and i want to cry just thinking about it#and i feel like such a failure right now even though i know that life has its ups and downs but my stupid brain just won't chill#and i don't really have any friends in the area because they all either moved away or didn't live here to begin with#and i'm tired of living at home because of my stupid student loans and not being able to afford to live on my own#i have one person i hang out with and we just met and i don't want to scare them off because they're a great friend and person#and i just feel like i'm never going to meet anybody who's going to love me the way i want to be loved because of my looks#also because it's me. and i feel like i'm so flawed as a person that no one will ever fall in love with me#and i've just been feeling really alone lately and i'm trying to do things to make me feel better but it's just so HARD right now#and i love writing because it gives me a chance to explore some of my feelings and it's something i genuinely love to do#and i'm sitting here waiting for the day things start to get better. and i know we all joke and i'm gonna sounds so dumb for saying this#but i feel like i was meant to be famous? or do something great idk and it's something everyone has always told me#and idk if my feelings of inadequacy are because of that or what but i'm scared that my life is going to mean nothing in the end#anyway this was a lot and you can pretend like you didn't read it. i just wanted to write some of my feelings down
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#*beep* oh. hey. guess you're sleeping? maybe you're at work. or out with friends. i hope wherever you are it's good#or that it's getting better. i really do#i'm not good. but you knew that already. otherwise why would i be leaving this message?#sorry. i just need to talk for a bit i guess#cause it's like. every day i write a hundred posts and every day i delete most if not all of them#and i could not tell you why#this is my blog after all. my words and thoughts go here#but also. this is my third place. and i can't lose that#isn't that crazy? i can't lose the handful of notes from reblogging other people's posts#the idea that somehow i'm constructing myself in the cut and paste instead of doing something myself#and i do try to make posts of my own. but nothing's ever worth posting. i don't even let it rot in the drafts. it's just gone#and i try to think about what would stop me from doing this#which inevitably brought me here - what would i be doing if it were fifty years ago#and i think the answer is i'd be calling someone who used to care and blowing up their answering machine#and i think about old answering machines. the ones that need a tape to record the message#does dora just re-record over the tapes that harry fills?#does she trash them? i'm guessing she doesn't listen to them#i won't tell you what to do with this message. i'll spare you a call to action#it's not like a diary would fix this. i have a diary. i've been keeping one regularly for months now#i think i want to be perceived but i refuse to speak unless spoken to and i will not reach out on here unless i'm being a kindly anon#and when i talk irl it's all broken disjointed subjects without predicates#it takes such effort for me to talk that people stop asking me out of kindness. but there's still thoughts i haven't said#thoughts that don't need to be said. we don't *need* another person rambling on about whatever random fandom topic or half-assed scribbles#i tried making serious art and meta posts for like four years across different fandoms#it's all gone now. as is most of my poetry. lotta things i don't know or care to know#and i can't bring myself to do that again. esp if that's not why you're here. so like. it's easier just to remain quiet?#because. i know people *can* understand. but it takes effort#and i can't guarantee a return on investment. i don't know if the cost of teaching me how to talk again is worth it#god i want to infodump but that was beaten out of me. the need is still there but i can't. it hurts#idk. things are good and then things are bad and on the whole they're good and getting better
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posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh
#god i am trying so hard to just have fun and be myself#but when i do that i'm immediately a strange outsider creep#and since i can't really mask my version of masking is just not talking and then obviously you don’t find any joy in fandom spaces either#i will always be a shitty unlikable freak no matter how much i pretend otherwise. it was obvious from the start that getting involved in#fandom spaces was a fucking mistake. it's always a mistake because you're some laughing stock at best and a horrifying freak at worst#i don't blame people for not liking me i've realised what an awful person i am long ago#but it's always so hard witnessing something like fun social groups from the sidelines knowing you'll never be a part of it#this is why my mental state has been deteriorating so severely in the last few months. that Realisation once again nothing fucking changed#i know it's stupid to get so upset over fandom but it's only a pattern for me#i stopped trying to be friends with people when i was a teenager because it hasn't worked a single time#this attempt at integrating myself into the wotr and bg3 fandom by sharing my shit was just one mistake#gortash/zeke is so different from anybody else’s work and i wish i could find joy in something that it isn’t fucking deranged but i can’t#like yes it’s just fandom bullshit! gortash/zeke is a fucking oc x canon ship! why am i getting so upset over it!#i love writing them. i’ve never been this happy writing anything. and it’s entirely indicative of a common pattern in my life#when i earnestly share parts of myself/things i’m passionate about people get creeped out. and honestly? rightfully so#i would leave the discord servers i’m in because it’s fucking crushing me dude. this is so petty but i’m so jealous of what you people have#but in one i am server owner and i don’t want to just dump that responsibility onto someone else and then dip#and in the other two i’m not sure anyone would even notice that i’m gone but i still worry about being rude#though i’m not entirely sure i didn’t get invited to one of those just so people could laugh at me. idk probably just being paranoid but i#it’s been gnawing at me#ok no if i’m being this vulnerable on tunglr.com i can also say that part of me staying is also still having the hope that i could fit in#one day. logically i know it won’t happen but it’s nice to have hope sometimes#watching you all from through the window having fun like a creep#so yeah. i’ve always felt like this but it’s been rapidly getting worse with my failed attempt at the bg3 fandom#idk just been crying non-stop for the last few hours. went through an entire pack of tissues in an hour it’s very disgusting#they’re all lying around me as i’m typing this like a pillowfort of snot lmao#so yeah. idk. if someone could come over and lobotomise me that’d be nice. orin where are you when we need you most#i never had any friends irl so i foolishly gave this a shot. i’m sorry#also doesn’t help that i can see someone dropping me for people that are easier to be around in irl rn#it just hurts because it’s always like that. someone you are around when you have no other option at best. not even that sometimes
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btw not to be annoying but I'm in a huge drawing rut right now and almost everything I've made the past few weeks feels like garbo to me so if anyone has any X Reader requests from medias on my F/O list you want done, now would be a great time to send them in
#proship please interact#Proselfship#Proship selfship#I have a few I've been drafting and deleting and redrafting for a bit now#I'm back and forth on motivation but I think I'm done drawing for the season#We'll get back to it in the new year for the next two months let's just write#I get a lot more confidence from requests that gain reblogs than just writing for me myself and I#Don't get me wrong I love writing for me myself and I it's the cornerstone of this blog#Make what you want to see in fandom and do whatever you want forever kind of thinking#But oh my god when someone else thinks my writing for a specific character is good and wants to read more and reblogs it with tags and stuf#Literally nothing fixes me faster#Sorry to pull like two selfishes in a row in the main tags#I feel like I'm on a lot of shit lists for asking people to move the 'stolen from an anti' into the tags#I don't apologize for that but I saw some posts fdkgjkdf plus I kicked people from my server for low reason recently#I DO apologize for that a little bit#ANYWAY these tags are weird sorry#I'm gonna try to write some things that's been in my ask box for a year now and see where that goes#Sorry for the selfish in the main tags I'm really off my game rn
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