#no trauma details just mentions
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the amount of times ive seen links being used incorrectly to supposedly "support" someone's argument about this is kinda insane (in particular about ramcoa/oea being fake, but also for some political claims separate from DID communities)
its either an invalid link, doesnt support or connect to the claim theyre saying, or the actual link /literally discredits/ their claim.
some people must not read their own links, and might choose the first things that pop up if they do a vague search. i bet they either think someone will be lazy and take their word for it, "because theres a link, so obviously its legit?", or they genuinely believe things to such an extent that their perceptions of realty are so twisted they interpret things in misconstrued ways.
people either dont have good reading comprehensions, or are banking on others not taking time to verify the contents of their links and if it actually supports their claims. im more inclined to think its the latter.
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this is something im passionate about actually, advocating for people to verify information online when educating themselves, or purchasing products and services of various health fads in particular too.
read links! check out multiple links, not just a couple. verify sources! learn the differences between commentaries, case studies, and research studies. how to see if a study is flawed or biased. learn how to narrow down searches and which search engines are best for certain topics, etc.
(and if you know how and/or are able) when looking up political information, use a VPN so you can see things your country might block from you (censorship and propaganda, etc.)
i know, in the us, i remember being taught that wed got a law making censorship and propaganda illegal ("were so much better than all the other countries who lie and hide stuff from their citizens, you can trust everything we tell you." type of vibes), but it was never taught that that law was removed/changed and censorship and propaganda became legal again. and you WILL get different information about us history, war crimes and acts, and current political things when you search from another country, vs from in the us.
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sorry this totally sidetracked a bit. but basically, thank you so much for putting time and energy and effort into such a nicely organized and properly linked post.
and seriously yall, read links! learn how to differentiate quality info and untrustworthy/unverifiable info when online. make what stance and belief you want, /after/ you are exposed to quality and accurate info.
The Giant "Is RAMCOA, now OEA, antisemitic?" Debunk
Here's the last version. This one is... wow.
So here's the thing, this has taken me way too long, so here's the format:
- A summary of my point.
- A ramble about my point written forever ago.
- All the possible talking points discussed or debunked
You can just scroll to the bottom until you see "DEBUNK" if you really want to.
I'm tired. No one has time for this bullshit. This post isn't formatted the best--that's what I get for doing this on mobile. Take it as it is, the links are all included.
The ISSTD (the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation) and the OEA (Organized and Extreme Abuse) sig (special interest group) are not rooted in antisemitism. The "facts" against the ISSTD are twisted and unclear, and they aren't meant to help Jewish people or survivors. They discredit the ISSTD and the trauma basis of CDDs (complex dissociative disorders).
The Satanic Temple (TST) and Grey Faction (GF) aren't just protesting medical malpractice.
They believe that the DID diagnosis is the malpractice.
They believe that CDDs are a fad created by and from the panic of the 80s, that it's PURELY iatrogenic in nature (caused by therapists, iatrogenic is a specific arm of the fantasy theory) and therefore any proof that DID exists and is rooted in trauma is seen as some kind of direct insult to them. As if DID being real means that Satanic Ritual Abuse (SRA) must be real, and SRA has always been, and always will be, an attack on TST.
They believe that SRA and Ritual Abuse (RA) are one in the same (good thing the ISSTD renamed it :) ), and that SRA cannot be separated from other conspiracy theories like MKUltra.
TST be like:
Alt text: a meme photo from The Office saying "They're the same picture".
The rumors and claims that you see talked about primarily come directly from a letter by The Satanic Temple and Grey Faction, written in 2019 to try to have the ISSTD's Continuing Education certification revoked. This is where the resurgence starts and what got lights on all this.
They (that is, TST and GF) seem to believe that this letter played a part in the name change, claiming that it scared the ISSTD.
For some reason, the CE certification thing seems to really stand out to GF and TST, and they can't quite keep their story straight about what the issue is-- whether CE Learning refused to accredit any courses on "mind control" (they didn't, the ISSTD created their own system for CEs and stopped hosting on CE Learning), or whether it's just because they're attacking a therapist who gave a mother -- that would go on to kill her son -- some resources, and decided that meant she should never practice ever again (because they're angry that the ISSTD implied that they're using the tragic case for their own gain, the drama between these two groups ffs).
The letter, the name change, the rise of QANON, and finally, the resignation of GF leadership, would result in what we're seeing today.
Grey Faction and the TST are the root of every over-exaggerated rumor you hear, and this post intends to prove that.
It's not so much about debunking every claim -- because yes, bad things happened to a lot of people during the panic -- so much as an attempt to arm you with more information about the topic or situation. That way, you can make your own decision about whether the claims hold up to scrutiny and support a narrative of antisemitism and conspiracy within the ISSTD, or whether TST and GF continue to push their own agenda and the same dozen lies from over 3 decades ago during a time of societal uncertainty.
Not everything you read is accurate and true, and this entire situation highlights the need for media literacy and investigation.
So let's go.
Summary:
So, all of these talking points can be DIRECTLY linked back to GF/False Memory Syndrome Foundation (FMSF), and them alone, they're the origin.
You can't spout those points and say, "But don't trust Grey Faction."
Those are the things you can't trust about Grey Faction.
You can't say that they're right about, and the source of, all of these things, but wrong about implanted memories, because ALL of their content is a story that leads UP to the existence of false and implanted memories, in support of TST and discrediting their relationship to the panic.
There's no other conclusion.
They only care about putting the TST in a better light, even if that hurts survivors.
And we know they don't care about Jewish people, because the TST is openly antisemitic.
The below is a direct quote from Lucien Greaves, massive TW for antisemitism:
Like, I think it’s okay to hate Jews if you hate them because they’re Jewish and they wear a stupid fuckin’ frisbie on their head [correct term: yarmulke or kippah] and walk around [and] think their God’s chosen people, but it’s not okay to hate somebody [‘born of Jewish blood’] just because their parents were stupid fuckin’ Jews and wore stupid frisbies on their head and thought the Jews were God’s chosen people […] Not everybody of Jewish blood is okay with me, it depends on if they follow the Jewish, uh… […] Satanic Jews are fine.
My ramble:
You don't get to pick and choose what to believe when it comes to Grey Faction. If their claims about the ISSTD being the instigators and maintainers of the satanic panic is true, then they must ALSO be correct about false memories.
They can't be a trustworthy source for some things and not for others, because these concepts are intertwined completely.
False memories and the idea that the ISSTD is filled with conspiracy theorists that still believe in SRA go hand in hand. Iatrogenesis, implanted memories, hypnosis, and coercion. They believe all memories recovered in therapy are false. The recently dissolved FMSF focused on all forms of abuse, getting involved in murder cases (testifying on the side of perpetrators to discredit witnesses and victims by proving that memory is unreliable), rape cases, and of course, incest cases (I tried to find a good link to put here, just google Elizabeth Loftus testifies). TST and GF are solely focused on DID and the ISSTD, but the idea is the same.
According to GF, memories of abuse, especially ANY form ritual abuse, are fake and implanted, and anyone who supports recovered memories are SRA conspiracy theorists, AND THE TST DOES NOT DO THE SRA. They are very, very adamant about this.
Do you see how this works now?
They are also the source of the claim that the ISSTD and RAMCOA are antisemitic, despite being antisemitic themselves.
No, seriously.
On the Psychological Projection of Antisemitism by Satanists
Doug Mesner (Lucien Greaves, Satanic Temple) Anti-Semitic Rant
I highly suggest giving this a read if you want to know more.
I contend that GF and TST are antisemitic (see above) and trying to shift attention, and are keeping the panic alive on their own (see below)
I'm going to elaborate with a disjointed ramble
Grey Faction can't be trusted because everything they do and say has the ultimate end goal of proving therapists implant memories of abuse in their clients. See my last post about SRA and the memory wars.
Like, if Grey Faction is correct about all their assertions about the ISSTD and its members, then they must ALSO be correct about false memories, because those ideas are completely intertwined
Alt text: A gif from Ralph Breaks the Internet with Ralph saying, "One cannot exist without the other."
And yet, the same people telling you that RAMCOA, now OEA, is antisemitic will also tell you not to trust Grey Faction and that they're not a reliable source
Alt text: A screenshot from a reblog, stating, "reminder that the Grey Faction sucks." For context, Morlock has been posting that RAMCOA/OEA is antisemitic.
Which is it?
We know, for a fact, that "false memories", as presented by Grey Faction and the False Memory Syndrome Foundation, are not nearly as black and white as they would have you believe. This article is going to be a fantastic starting point to understand what exactly FMSF, TST, and GF are arguing about memories, and the ISSTD counterarguments. It's a very long read, but well worth it.
Recovered memory therapy is the hot topic here. Grey Faction would have you believe that the ISSTD still practices this therapy to this very day.
Alt text: A gif from Are You Afraid of the Dark. A teen throws powder into the fire, setting the scene for a spooky story.
They don't.
Grey Faction's proof FOR false memories is the ALLEGED and SUPPOSED behaviour and words of the ISSTD members under fire.
Despite the numerous allegations of TST and GF misquoting and twisting quotes. You'll see this later.
These are the same stories people are repeating now, in support of the relation between RAMCOA, now OEA, and the satanic panic, and therefore antisemitism.
Lucian Greaves was literally told at one point that medical malpractice can be fought without attempting to discredit DID and his response was basically, "How?"
Hopefully this link works (you'll need to be logged in to see), but if it doesn't, search Lucien Greaves' interactions with TheRingsSystem on Twitter for a truly enlightening experience on how this motherfucker interacts with the world.
DOES NO ONE ELSE SEE THE PROBLEM HERE?
The Debunk
Before we start, I want to look at the type of lies and twisting that we're going to see, give you an example of what to look for. I came across this article while I was making this post.
ISSTD Exposed: A Culture of Conspiracy, Grey Faction
This is more about the ISSTD's CE credits and the name change. This line in particular caught my eye, because for once it had a link.
Numerous threads mention “Satanic ritual abuse,” usually abbreviated as “SRA.” Michael Salter, on the Board of Directors of the ISSTD, in one comment refers to “SRA” as an “insider term” that should be avoided when talking to “outsiders.”
Oh, ominous.
Given the opportunity, I'm going to look and see what really happened.
Let me paraphrase. A very awkward, potentially troll student account asks about the origin of the term mind control. She then goes on to describe how she's terrified of using this language around outsiders, as it'll destroy her credibility with its supernatural and conspiratorial background and create barriers in the conversation.
Michael Salter responds that the term originated during the Cold War along with brainwashing and is very outdated, and no, it's not received well outside of RAMC Specialist Circles. He tells her organized abuse is the better term and goes on to explain that organized abuse is a general category for sexual abuse involving multiple perpetrators, that includes practices such as ritual abuse, child exploitation material and mind control. He says, "We see a spectrum of ritualistic or controlling behaviour in organised abuse - ritual and torture is sometimes present, but often not, and it occurs in many different ways and at different levels of severity."
I speak directly with police and policy makers about the kinds of torture that we see in organised abuse, including the intentional inducement of dissociation, but I would never use the term "mind control" with non-specialists. It's associated with movies and television more than "real life". At the same time, it's a useful shorthand amongst people who specialise in RAMC and we haven't found a good substitute for it. It would be good to develop a more contemporary vocabulary I think.
This comes back.
The thread then goes on to discuss other options for terms and "soft exposure" through media being the connecting language that allows clinicians to communicate with a general audience, and bad/inaccurate representation in media and online. Another clinician responds that she agrees with Salter, explaining that she doesn't want other providers or their clients to misequate media depictions to real life.
Michael responds to her about an ongoing research project looking into the perception of the term, talks about differences around the world in the view of the terms, and discusses pedophile and other "cult-like" organized crime groups. That's about as close as we get to any mention of conspiracy theories or satanism.
They talk about whether it's better to choose terms that confront the horror of the experience, or if they try to conceal that horror with a more generalized term.
Tara Tulley, who we talk about below, makes an appearance to say that most people who contact her about RA only know SRA, and it's an incredibly inaccurate depiction of organized abuse. Tara says that she's struggling to get people to separate RA from SRA, and to change the terms they're used to.
Michael finally says:
Thanks Tara - agree that we should use the terms that people are comfortable with and understand. It's just that "insider" terms like SRA and RAMC are translating poorly to "outsiders" like law enforcement, other mental health contexts. I guess we just have to be mindful of our audience.
Remember what the complaint was. Go back. Read the actual thread from the ISSTD yourself. And then reassess.
Nothing about the ISSTD thread was inappropriate or hinted at conspiracy theories. It was actually an incredibly productive conversation for everyone involved. It really painted the picture that everyone wanted to separate old SRA ideas from the reality of organized abuse, or RA, as it was most commonly known.
In fact, it explains the exact thought process behind the usage of the terms and how they actually apply in the world. Like how its handled with police.
Because yeah, police kind of suck at handling and believing these kinds of claims.
Mostly because the TST won't let it fucking die. They won't stop equating it.
So here we are, with
Michael Salter, the conspiracy theorist.
Let's look at some of these claims directly from the horse's mouth and see where they come from.
There's now a second post, too! Exciting!
I want to start with the ONLY point I agree with.
Ritual abuse and satanic ritual abuse are inherently linked terms.
Which is why it's now called OEA.
Keep this in mind. We're arguing about something the ISSTD already addressed and fixed. RA and SRA are too closely linked for comfort. So they renamed it.
Back to that horse, though. This horse is different from other horses because this one believes that the abuse itself is real. Most don't, which is always a red flag.
This saves me from having to prove that, at least.
Starting from the top of post 1:
Alison Miller? Quack conspiracy theorist loses her license.
ISSTD Therapist Loses License Following Grey Faction Complaint
Alison Miller has turned in her license as a result of a Grey Faction complaint
Alison Miller was retired at the time of their complaint. There's no license to hand over. She hadn't practiced in years. GF claims, very boldly, that they are the reason her license is suspended, and they are the ones continuing to push this ridiculous lie.
Source: Grey Faction
George Bergen's claims against Colin Ross (and others, because Ross is not named in several of the filings).
Links to an affidavit from 1997. Bergen a member of the False Memory Syndrome Foundation. In fact, HE CREATED AND RAN THE CANADIAN MANITOBA BRANCH. And he's kind of racist against native people. Fuck that guy.
Bergen is filing the affidavits on behalf of his wife's sister, who committed suicide in 1986. There's VERY little information on his wife and the suicide, but it's important to note that his wife left him before he filed and has never retracted. He even writes about her as, "my estranged wife who has not (yet) retracted."
Just something for thought. I think there's some shit we don't know about here. Anyways, the case was tossed out. We touch on this again in the second post debunk.
The second link is... oh. Wow. Grey Faction and The Satanic Temple themselves.
Doug Mesner is one of the many names of Lucien Greaves, the antisemitic asshat mentioned above. He runs The Satanic Temple. He's also the one who posted and hosts the affidavit package. He helped Bergen write it.
It's getting kind of funny that the openly antisemitic person is accusing other people and things of being antisemitic. It's almost like a racist is attempting to divide marginalized communities into hurting each other using soulless buzzwords. How weird.
Source: FMSF
Braun and his license.
The link is to psychsearch, owned by Ken Kramer. He's wild. It's always funny to me when he comes up.
So, Braun did lose his license after the case of Patricia Burgus (not to be confused with Bergen above), but it's important to note that Burgus already claimed to have 20 personalities when she met Braun. He didn't give her MPD or implant memories.
For this, you need to use your imagination a bit. Braun and Burgus met in 86. She was his patient for 6 years, as the panic started and blew up. At the time, the purpose of the ISSTD was to quickly develop urgent treatment guidelines, which didn't yet exist. These doctors were flying by the seat of their pants. Yes, mistakes were made, but the ISSTD has always acknowledged that. These were unprecedented events, and no one knew what to do. The ISSTD members of the time took the stance that their clients, often children, were telling the truth.
It's not implanting memories if you're asking your client to elaborate.
Please remember that we don't know what happened in all of these cases. It is, unfortunately, more likely that clients came up with these stories themselves, and were encouraged by the therapists asking for more information.
Braun was not convicted of any wrongdoing, it was a settlement case paid out by the hospital's insurance company. Braun wanted to go to trial to disclose the transcripts, where SHE makes the claims. She even said in an interview, “It fit in with everything else [Braun] told me I was saying in therapy."
Braun would then go on to lose his license again for over prescribing medication in another case.
Source: Grey faction supporters twisting truth in a case that can't be disclosed due to confidentiality
Salter and the tunnels
Let's see what Salter says (PDF)
The findings of an archaeological dig at the McMartin preschool site, which uncovered recently backfilled tunnels and ritual articles in accordance with the children’s disclosures, came too late to counter the momentum of the backlash (Summit 1994a).
It's interesting that he cited something there. Hmmmm. I can't actually find the paper but I did find a FANTASTIC summary of it. Summit references an archeology report that was released in 1993 that found evidence of tunnels, which turned out to be something else unrelated. The revelation came to light in roughly 2002.
The paper by Salter was published in 2008, long before he became involved with the ISSTD. He was likely still in school when he wrote that short piece, and he doesn't typically include it on his CVs. I wonder why.
I also want to look at this.
It's really important because it talks about how believable the surveyor's report was and why so many fell for it.
Salter has never spoken of the tunnels again. We talk about Salter again in post 2.
Source: Grey Faction twisting truth for two decades
Tara Tulley?
What's linked is a consent agreement between Tulley and the board of licensing, hosted on the TST website. Much like Braun, this is a case of the board and licensee agreeing not to go to trial. Within the agreement, Tulley disputes the facts against her but understands that this is a quicker resolution for all parties.
The main issue actually seems to be her application for renewal not being filled out correctly, and Tulley explains that she didn't realize the investigation was active at that point.
But yeah, I'll admit, Tulley is a weird one. Very weird.
Source: Does Grey Faction have nothing better to do?
George Greaves?
I can't get this link to work. He was only ever a member of the ISSTD for a single year around 85 or 87. He was more involved in Ridgeview than the ISSTD. He lost his license in 94 and never really surfaced again. Why are we talking about him? Are we trying to say the ISSTD is terrible because of very short run-ins with shitty people?
Source: Grey Faction sure does like talking about him considering how long ago that was and how little he was involved.
Francois Saculla?
WAS NEVER INVOLVED IN THE ISSTD, YOU FOOLS. He attended the APA's MPD workshop in 79. Ohhhhh, scary. Get it right.
Source: the horse only
Eileen Avani?
In the linked consent order (again, like Braun), Avani doesn't admit fault, and the board actually accepts her explanation and proof that she wasn't actually offering services or treating the roommate.
It's frustrating, because this document doesn't actually talk about Avani not reporting trafficking or anything. I can't actually find any information on that. Where did the horse get those claims?
I'm genuinely asking, because even Grey Faction doesn't make that claim. I feel like people are just playing broken telephone with links.
Avani was assisting someone who had been trafficked in childhood. There was no duty to report, and she was passing the client along to and assisting another treatment provider.
And that's post 1.
I HIGHLY urge you to google each of the above names followed by ISSTD, and just take a glance at what comes up.
(Spoiler: it's ALWAYS Grey Faction, you'll be hard pressed to find anything that isn't directly GF, or citing them in their own article)
Jfc, okay, post 2, which is from the horse's friend.
This one is so much longer and annoying.
To start, again, the ISSTD came together to handle the surge in cases, seek support from other clinicians, and to develop treatment guidelines. The panic started BEFORE the ISSTD. The Chicago clinic opened to take the huge numbers of people claiming to have MPD, amid the growing satanic panic. The ISSTD didn't come into existence and then all these cases appeared. Patients from across the WORLD, already claiming to have MPD and memories of SRA, were being referred to the newly opened clinic, created to TAKE THIS SURGE IN PATIENTS.
The panic started in 1980, after Michelle Remembers was released, and the ISSTD formed in 84, not 83 as stated by the horse's bff.
But where did we get 83? From Richard Noll, star child of the FMSF. I talk more about him further down.
Spiegel, Kluft, Braun and Miller all responded to this article, calling it inaccurate, but because the article keeps getting posted and pulled, it's hard to find originals.
So did Frances, and we all hate him.
There are so many claims in this post that are uncited, and by the time you finish the articles, you forget what you were fact checking. I don't know where the claims about SRA in the DSM come from, because it's not in the article linked.
I mean, the link even goes so far as to speak positively of Braun and his changing mindset.
Many psychotherapists who have been vocal about a supposed epidemic of sexual abuse by well-organized satanic rings have grown more cautious of late. "There's clearly been a contagion, a contamination of what people say in therapy because of what they see on TV or read about satanic ritual abuse," said Dr. Bennet Braun, a psychiatrist who heads the Dissociative Disorders Unit at Rush-North Shore Medical Center in Chicago.
This would imply that Braun got better about all this over the years. If that's the case, why are we still saying he believes all that?
I'm starting to get the feeling that no one is reading their own links
But that's Braun, what about Colin Ross?
Ross was never found guilty or convicted of malpractice, as the horse's friend claims.
Ross has been named in several suits, but never convicted. Ross is the most vocal about what a confusing time this was, how hard it was to tell fact from fiction, and how hard it was to balance dis/belief with neutrality.
And of course, we link directly to Grey Faction about the eye beams. You might be surprised to learn that Ross has a sense of humor and entered a paranormal contest. It's really not that fucking deep, people.
More about Alison Miller, who says that Grey Faction is twisting the truth.
I don't know why they threw in Neil Brick without a single citation. Oh, wait, yes I do. Their only source is Grey Faction, and Brick talking about his experiences. Like fakeclaiming.
Michael Salter, this time they admit only Grey Faction is talking about it and there's no other sources. See above.
I'm not commenting a single Wikipedia link, and these people should be ashamed for including them.
Tara Tulley, see above, no she wasn't.
George Greaves, see above.
This is so repetitive, they all say the same fucking things, and it's all wrong and skewed the same way.
The way Grey Faction wants to present it.
The wording of the next paragraph is SO telling.
The ISSTD has annual conferences, each being either recorded or documented, several of these being notably controversial. In 1988 they aimed to verify cannibalistic satanic cults who participate in human, specifically child, sacrifices, this was investigated and then debunked by the FBI.
Almost like, they talked about something to get more information on it, and got that information.
How dare they.
From 1990 to 1998 ISSTD conference guest panelists had been accused of being Satanists if they portrayed any skepticism towards the connection between DID and SRA; this is documented in several instances. (No link, An Interview with Frank Putnam, Part II." ISSTD News)
Are you saying you couldn't find a link to support you? Or are you saying that you couldn't find an interview with Putnam II? There you go. I highly suggest actually reading this to see what he ACTUALLY says. This is the line that got me. "I was accused of disrespecting victims." I think these arguments are being framed way more negatively than they should be. I don't think this was about upholding SRA conspiracy theories, so much as balancing skepticism when faced with patients' claims. It ignores that Putnam HIMSELF was called a satanist.
Clearly not everyone within the ISSTD held the same beliefs, so I'm not sure what people are hoping to prove here.
The horse's friend then goes on to link to the TST, saying the only source of the claim is Grey Faction, and it's just the TST talking about a Grey Faction letter.
TST owns Grey Faction. Never forget that.
NONE OF THESE LINKS ON THE TST SITE WORK, I'M GETTING SO FRUSTRATED
We're linked to a letter by Evan Anderson, Grey Faction leadership that would resign in 2024 because of how much the TST was inserting themselves in Grey Faction and trying to control their actions. With Anderson gone, Greaves is now in charge.
Anderson said,
I ignored a lot for the sake of the campaign. I no longer can. I can recognize a witch hunt, a budding culture of paranoia and conspiracism.
Hmmmm, interesting timing.
Already we should be calling bullshit, just because of how stupidly hard it is to find ANYONE other than Grey Faction talking about it.
The horse's friend then goes on to incorrectly state that the FMSF started because of the ISSTD, which is wrong. The future members of the FMSF were pushing false memories in the 70s. Read this post. (This is where you can find more information on Noll's associations with and support of TST.) Their claims exist outside of SRA. They want to discredit ALL survivors.
Then they finally go on to say that they tried not to use only Grey Faction as their source, but did they achieve that?
FUCK NO.
Every single reason cited for why RAMCOA, now OEA, is antisemitic, and for conspiracies existing within the ISSTD comes directly from Grey Faction, and happened DECADES AGO.
But don't trust Grey Faction.
WHICH IS IT, THEY CAN'T BOTH BE TRUE
Do you have any idea how many members are part of the RAMCOA/OEA sig? And we keep talking about the same 6 or so people, and theories and thoughts from over 40 years ago that those people DON'T ACTUALLY STILL BELIEVE. I think this post by TST might put the TST's and GF's goal best.
According to The Satanic Temple’s spokesperson, Lucien Greaves, “We are very happy that the board moved to revoke the license of Tara Tulley, but Tara Tulley is only one member of the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation, an organization largely comprised of mental health professionals who subscribe to bizarre and harmful conspiracy theories that some of them impose onto their clients, burdening the mentally vulnerable with crippling, fearful delusions, and propagating destructive QAnon-like paranoia. It is our position that the mental health profession should do more to rid itself of this embarrassment and ensure that those licensed in the field adhere to empirically-supported clinical practices. It is our position that the ISSTD should lose all professional standing, and they should not be allowed to administer Continuing Education Units to professionals who attend their conspiracist lectures.”
The OEA sig is one of 12 that the ISSTD runs. In 2022, there were only 29 members of the OEA sig, and it by no means includes all of the members of the ISSTD that work outside of OEA. Other sigs include acute care, child and adolescent, creative art therapies, eating disorders, neurodevelopmental disabilities, EDMR, and vicarious trauma.
None of that matters, though. The TST and GF want to see the ENTIRE ISSTD burned to the ground.
The timing of this surge in RAMCOA talk coincides with the TST/Grey Faction rift, as Greaves and his chronic online-ness took over.
And what is Greaves? A racist, a man whose sole goal is to silence survivors, and an ISSTD hater.
Knowing a good deal more about the situations above, go back to that original letter and reread the complaints.
#tw oea#tw ramcoa#tw tbmc#no trauma details just mentions#tw cults#tw ritual abuse#tw antisemitism#links#education#believing and supporting survivors#legit tw for the antisemitism though#im not jewish and that was really hard to read
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Curly not immediately punishing Jimmy for assaulting Anya is something I don’t think a lot of people are viewing in the complex context for Curly as the superior to both of them and closest confidante they had.
Like I am in no way saying he didn’t under react or fail Anya by not being harsh or direct with Jimmy but it really is the case that he really couldn’t. Imagine being stuck in such a confined space with very little areas to genuinely hold someone if they commit a crime. It’s not like this was an event that occurred before they departed or that they have easy communication with The Pony Express to ask for how to proceed when something like this arises. Not to mention, Jimmy’s relative power in relation to Anya as the co-pilot and second in command, he has the knowledge and access to do something to her had Curly directly punished him in this setting.
They were also Curly’s friends. It’s not just the case of him mediating something between his subordinates but people he is personally invested in don’t want to see spiral further in Anya’s case while also not wanting believe his friend go that bad in Jimmy’s actions. They were both suicidal and Curly putting Jimmy’s stability first is both out of bias but also the fact he’s aware at some level Jimmy is a danger to himself and others if not constantly placated. Combined with the fact he was in denial or just not piecing together what Anya said it’s hard to say what he buying time for and what he had treat as urgent. This isn’t even saying he doesn’t care about Anya but he’s not going jump to the worst conclusions about his friends even if part of him acknowledges the evidence saying so. It’s a complicated thing but he’s still human and needed to process it on top of trying to keep a ship that already took on a lot of water from further sinking, metaphorically.
I just personally think that while Curly failed Anya, it was a scenario where there wasn’t much he could do to the best thing by her safely and like Jimmy, we are underestimating what a good leader would do in a very fragile and tense situation like he was in. By the time he may have been ready and had a plan, things were much too late.
#like in my one Anya still respected Curly after he didn’t punish Jimmy so I assume he still respected her or reassured her he’d do something#it just was never enough because sadly Jimmy just needed to be removed from the ship and that’s not possible#cause no matter what Jimmy was going to do something stupid to fix it and Curly had to be thinking of a way to avoid that but also trying to#play the subjective role of friend and objective role of captain with two of the people he is currently closest with#not to mention how he’s a big picture guy and it’s not an excuse but those little detail and subtle behaviors are probably lost if the big#picture looks fine still and he admits he’d drive himself crazy trying to look for it#like weirdly Curlys character is only seen through the people he tried to protect and we judge him on his failures but we don’t get too much#on his insights directly as Jimmy is unreliable and he tries hard to be gentle with Anya#personal note is I don’t think Curly underplaying Anya’s trauma is a guy code protecting my bud thing but more a flaw in his personal#character in where he just wants everything and everyone to be ok in the end and taking responsibility that isn’t his to bare like he can’t#make up for what Jimmy did but he tried and that’s the problem really cause he’s just used to actually fixing it for him and it’s the case#this is the one thing he really couldn’t like I think he’s a good guy but he’s trapped in his and a bunch of other peoples worse moments#anya mouthwashing#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#mouthwashing curly#curly mouthwashing#mouthwashing anya#jimmy mouthwashing#captain curly#nurse Anya#mouthwashing spoilers#rape tw#suicide tw#also last thought is how he like also was being emotionally drained by Jimmy constantly like Anya and his relationship with Jimmy parallel#each other in such a way that both him and Anya warily follow the words of the others abuser because they fear the physical or emotional#repercussions if they don’t like her not being able to really tell curly what happened and then curly not being able to do the same and how#jimmy assaults and dehumanizes both when they are no longer a service to him like god they are more adjacent than Jimmy and Curly like Curly#messed up in a already messy pile Jimmy mad it into a dumpster fire in a landfill they are not the same
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I fear that Alfons's route will be just as emotionally taxing as Elbert's and I'll miss using my tickets in time just like I did in Elbert's route because my brain's had enough emotions and miss finishing the mission board again
#hoping the sylvatica specialist sees this and lets me know how much I should prepare emotionally#rambling and cw for mentioning the fictional SA in the tags#like... dark content rarely bugs me. I consume it all the time#But Elbert's route effected me a lot more than I thought it would and I don't think anything's ever made me feel like that#to the point I can't really put it into words#just because of the subject matter (the servants) and how very well it and his discomfort was portrayed#And I did see the content warnings for Elbert's route from fans. I had a strong idea of what his backstory was like and I was right#and it still hit me harder than any fictional media I've consumed#I just want to know if I should expect something worse or on the same level or not as bad#because some details I've noticed are making me worried#specifically in Between Two Villains when Elbert said Alfons was assisting the doctor and we already know what the doctor was willing to do#and I don't think Elbert is the type of person to come up with a cover story#ever since Elbert's route I tend to assume the worst possibility for a backstory/trauma#so yeah I really want to be able to finish the route panel mission this time#but I don't know how much to emotionally prepare or how to emotionally prepare#ikevil#ikemen villains#ikevil alfons#alfons sylvatica#elbert greetia#ikevil elbert
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*squeezes aine this time*
Read my Yandere! Dottore fics first (⁎⁍̴̆Ɛ⁍̴̆⁎)
Chemistry ๑ Magnum Opus
So @ainescribe decided to surprise me with more Darling fan art, this time of Dottore’s Assistant!! *sobs* I love it so much 。゚(゚´ω`゚)゚。
Once again, feedback will be in the tags. Thank you so much for enjoying my writing, Aine <3
#feedback#fan art#ainescribe#AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE ( ;∀;)#THE FACT THAT YOU DREW THIS?? AND SO SOON?? give me a moment. i need to cry happily#fun fact aine has made jokes about assistant and 'dead-eyed desi trauma' so my first thought when seeing this fan art was#'wow you can rlly see the desi trauma in her eyes' xD i say this both jokingly and seriously cuz AHH HER EXPRESSION!!#it's hard for me to describe visual art + techniques but you did such a good job at depicting assistant's emotions#is it bc of the thicker line art used for the eyes + eyebrows?? the lil eyebags/ creases under her eyes?? the uneven shading for her irises#all of that combined with her jaded facial expression and body language?? idk but just know that i love this depiction of assistant#especially since her emotions are an important aspect of her character design (to me at least)#moving on i love your original design for her. once again it's always interesting to see how my readers imagine and depict my darlings#and the way you drew her including the pose and design....she looks like a character from an animated show or visual novel!!#just put her name. caption. and dialogue on the side then she's ready to be romanced. 100% the fan-favorite character <3#i rlly like how you drew her hair!! it looks very fluffy and voluminous (sorry idk many terms for haircare either)#the scar is an interesting detail. makes me wonder if she got it before. during. or after the akademiya?? from an expedition/ experiment??#either way. ohohoho the potential....i imagine the scar serving as a lifelong reminder to assistant of what she has sacrificed for her#scientific curiosity and career. not to mention that the scar is located on her FACE which is 1) the body part most crucial to a person's#identity 2) makes the scar difficult to ignore. to the point that some people may recognize assistant's face mainly bc of her scar#poor assistant. at least dottore is one to appreciate such traits. i can see him administering first aid or lovingly tracing the scar......#moving on to her uniform. i love that it's practical but also stylish in its own way. a perfect balance methinks uwu#the patterned lapels. the lil brooch. the leather armbands. the fatui symbol. the tucked shirt and high-waist pants.....aaaahhhh i just#love these small details!! and it does look like smth which a fatuus would wear on the job~#i think that's all i have to say on assistant!! once again. thank you thank you THANK YOU FOR EXPRESSING YOUR LOVE FOR MY WRITING AND MY#DARLINGS!! it means the world to me and i'll always cherish our rambles and brainrot <3#dottore x reader#yandere dottore x reader#yandere fatui harbingers#fatui x reader#genshin x reader
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Scalpel and gel working, along with guidelines for both incisions and excisions! With this there's now 4 tools, so my next step will be to implement the tool wheel for smoother tool switching. Also, the scalpel's collision detection can skip over things if you move it too fast. Gotta fix that tomorrow.
#original#trauma center#trauma center recreation#with each day i get closer and closer to a full proper operation#it's not a perfect recreation#for example there's no way to miss on the opening incision#and i mentioned on my main that the gel has way too many little details to its behavior#this is good enough#i already said that tomorrow is the tool wheel#but after that comes sutures#and i'm 75% they're going to be hell to implement#both creating the thread lines and checking to see if they're intersecting the wound#gel was hard to make because of all the little details and all the numbers i had to adjust to make it feel right#and it STILL doesn't feel quite right. too many puddles too quickly#but i must remember the mantra: good enough#i say that but i spent like 20 more minutes after i started writing this just to make the gel disappear faster after it touches a Thing#oh yeah and i actually managed to get the gel sound perfect i think!#the trick that instead of looping it i play a second gel sound overlapping the end of the first one
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random firewatch au detail that has basically no impact on the story unless you want to psychoanalyze fw!grian even further than i did as the author, but it's very intentional that i always refer to both of mumbo's parents but only grian's mom. did i give him daddy issues? i guess so, but not in a way where i really deeply examined the implications as meaningful to the story. it was just a detail i stuck with from the beginning as a way to keep fleshing out the story's background subtly. the idea behind grian's dual citizenship was always that he was born in america to an american dad and british mom, and that his mom moved back to the UK when he was very young since she wanted to be closer to her family. perhaps his dad didn't go with them? or perhaps his dad did, and then later they split and he went back to america? whatever the cause, grian never even mentions his dad in the story, and it wasn't because i intended him to be dead (because that would have come up in a story about grief) if you get me
#i have no idea why but i normally HATE thinking about cubitos' parents in like. normal mcyt settings sjlfjslkfjs#if i'm writing a hermitcraft-setting fic i'd rather have them all just spawn into the world fully formed than dealing with their parents LO#but in a real-world au it made more sense for the characters to mention their parents occasionally#i just similarly didn't spend TOO much time worrying about it because it was not really the focus#everybody's relationships with their family is a bit less important here than their relationships with their Friends here you know?#i also think that ivi inspired this a little because somewhere early in the fic she was like hey what Made grian react to things like this?#like what experiences in his life primed him to react like This to the story events?#i was like. oh yeah.#cause i normally approach writing grian from the perspective of watcher!grian#but normally him on hermitcraft or life series AFTER he escaped them and it's more of an old trauma that informs his present actions#with firewatch au there is like....none of that pretext. there's no context that he might have had other trauma in life?#but i WAS writing him like that. out of habit. and i'm not saying he DID have prexisting trauma in firewatch au#that's very much something i haven't bothered to flesh out because it's in the zone of things where my time was better spent elsewhere#but i will say i think i only starting doing the one parent detail AFTER ivi mentioned this lmao#i mean. if the guy's got abandonment issues it probably explains a lotttt of his fear of giving up on Mumbo. just sayin'#hc_firewatch_au
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ouch.
[ID: a digital drawing of an original, stylised Flatland character named Atlas.
Atlas is a white isosceles triangle with one eye, a large bushy eyebrow, an eye bag, navy limbs and a tail with a V-shaped tip.
He is posed with his knees bent inwards, his right arm bent up at the elbow with his hand held down, and his left arm held down at his side. His tail is curled up to his right side. He has a shocked expression with a red, orange and yellow star-shaped cataract. There are chunks taken out of his top and bottom right corners that are bleeding, as well as red outlines of a gash across his eye and two on his left side.
The background is black with a bright yellow star behind Atlas.
End ID].
[ID: two grayscale digital doodles of Atlas done in reference to the ‘about to get a haircut’ meme separated by a white line.
In the left image, Atlas has no scars or chipped corners and has a round pupil. He is smiling and there is Snapchat text underneath him saying “about to go to work wish me luck”. The background roughly resembles the interior of a car.
In the right image, Atlas has his scars, chipped corners and star-shaped cataract again and is staring down with a devastated look. The background roughly resembles a hospital bed.
End ID].
+ the og
[ID: a screenshot of the “about to get a haircut wish me luck meme”. On the right is a photo of a man with curly light brown hair sitting in a car with the above quote written in Snapchat’s text across his face. In the left photo is the same man, but with much shorter hair and a shocked expression. End ID].
#exhibit A of what happens when you try being a nice person in Flatland#want to support your friend during his panic attack ? no. severe physical and mental trauma for you#i keep forgetting atlas was just a generic isosceles before he got beat tf up#like who is that#that’s not my boy#where’s my guy#flatland#oc#atlas huntsworth#tw scopophobia#tw eyestrain#tw gore#tw blood#also btw giving him irene’s eye shape. mamas boyyyy#bc if i don’t mention this minute detail rn i’ll forever forget to#will the circle be unbroken
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god the announcement of hnk (houseki no kuni/land of the lustrous) has got me in shambles,,, i haven't read the chapters after the 10 000 years hiatus so i gotta catch up (actually I'll probably re-read the whole thing)
‼️rambling incoming‼️
imo, hnk is one of the best series for deep psychological analysis,,, it had such a deep impact on me when i first read it (like 3 years ago) and still remains in my top best/favorites series 🥹🥹 i could ramble abt it for so long,,, the process of one losing bit by bit the parts of themselves and replacing it with something else (both physically and metaphorically) in an endless need to help others, but also as an own selfish wish to become better than who they used to be. Then looking back, and realizing things were so much simpler back then, and mourning that past self. (The fact that all of this revolves around their self-hatred and the belief that they're worthless is just. It's so heartbreaking to me. They've become so desperate for affirmation and yet still keeps getting hurt, by others and by themself too.)
i have too many feelings about the manga 😭😭 im losing myself to the brainrot, help-
#leaf yapping#hnk#any hnk fans here?? 🥺🥺#I MEAN IT WAS PRETTY OBVIOUS THE SERIES WAS GOING TO END SOON ANYWAYS#god I still remember the infamous 2 years hiatus#all because ichikawa got a ps5#i have so many thoughts on so many characters#rutile...ghost quartz...diamond...yellow diamond...antARCTICITE...CINNABAR??? CAIRNGORM???? 😭😭😭#and last but not least. lets not forget our endlessly suffering protagonist. gods sacrifical lamb.#IM NEVER GOING TO SHUT UP ABOUT PHOS‼️‼️#this series made me so mentally ill...like i was already mentally ill but it made me worse#i rewatched the anime recently actually and it made me super emotional 🥹🥹#ichikawa. when i catch you ichikawa.#THE TRANSFORMATION PHOS WENT THROUGH IS SO INSANE ACTUALLY#ur telling me the silliest little guy is now...some imposing shapeless deity figure???#lets not forget about when [spoiler incoming]#they lost their legs. then lost their arms. then lost their head.#then got destroyed and slowly reconstructed into a horrifying mix match of broken pieces#not the mention how they get shattered by the alloy when they have a mental breakdown#WHICH IS SUCH AN INSANE DETAIL BTW???#the way they just. fully physically break down to pieces. from inside of themselves. when their mind is spiralling.#i think their portrayal of ones trauma is so interesting#ANYWAYS IM STOPPING MY RAMBLING FOR NOW
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we need to re-normalize just saying "not really your business now is it?" when asked wildly personal questions from complete fucking strangers out of nowhere
#like if someone is demanding details about your trauma#or demands to know if you're dysphoric because you've mentioned that you're trans#or really anything at all you don't feel comfortable broadcasting to an infinite amount of strangers#then you do not *have* to give that information#like you can if you want to and you're comfortable with that#but bar sending anon hate which you can stop by turning anonymous asks off#they can't really do anything to *force* you to share that information#it is perfectly okay to just say ''that is not your business'' and that's it#you don't even have to reply at all if you don't want to#they can't *make* you#you're okay
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I do sometimes find it really annoying that most of the things I do right now are At Least tangentially related to a trauma I lived through.
I am living in a university dorm right now, it's a very typical thing to do, but most people return to their family home during the weekends and only really stay in the dorms because they have classes in the week and having to go from their home to the classes, especially the 9 am classes, can be heavy if they live somewhat further away. I stay in my dorm the entire week. For Reasons I don't want to go back to my old home for longer than half a day to drop my laundry and leave with clean clothes, some food and a chat with my mother. I wouldn't feel good doing so anymore, but mentioning that is weird because most people (except internationals because going to a full on other country just for the weekend, every weekend, would be a bit dumb) return to their home (My dorm feels more like home to me right now than my old house did btw).
When I say I stay in my dorm people are somewhat confused, as it on its own already implies that something must not be that good at the familial home for me to not go there for the weekends. By the simple fact I don't go back it's already implied there is something wrong, and it's true, there Is something wrong, but I can't just start explaining the whole thing, it's not really appropriate for most conversations, and I simply don't want to open up about this part of my traumas. So I just have to quickly and very blatantly brush off that fact and the unpleasant implications to continue the conversation without making it awkward and it's so annoying.
Most of my weird trauma responses at least have the added thing that if I don't verbalize them nobody will really notice. I am good at hiding them, I kinda had to, but this dorm situation is such a blatant sign of something Weird (and not the good kind) that I cannot hide since my actions on their own imply a situation already.
I am somewhat good at dealing with all of these issues, brushing off The Problems is a typical part of normal conversations, but it does get frustrating sometimes when I get severely affected by something traumatic, and it's The Only reason that my problem happened, but I cannot talk about it in casual conversations because of how heavy and intense it is. I have to vaguely mention The Horrors (They Are Complex) and move on before I make my conversation partner uncomfortable. It happened when I had to miss a class because of a severe relapse in my mental health, it happens every time I mention I stay in my dorm the weekends, it happens whenever I get too jittery and weird because of stress (I don't even always know Why I am stressed) and I just cannot explain anything about the cause because it's too heavy for most people to hear. (I do understand that fact, it makes sense you're not going to tell classmates casually about the horrific stuff you went through in your personal life, but it fucking gets annoying when it is fully related to a situation and I have to Shut The Fuck Up anyway.)
It's just frustrating to me that I have to deal with all these Weird Things because of trauma, and everyone sees them, but I cannot explain where they come from truthfully because of how much they are. It's in this weird middle state where people See I am weird hurt, but they don't Know why. I do things differently for reasons they can assume are unpleasant, but I cannot ever truly explain everything to them.
#morningcries#yeah late night frustrations as I just thing about all my friends and such going back to their homes and the occasional somewhat awkward#Lull in a conversation whenever I say I don't return to my kot (so Every time I say that)#Honestly having such a shit childhood really set me apart. But not in a good way#I am weird in many ways. All related to traumas I had and I can't relate to most people#I don't want to return to my home. I don't know what I feel about my sister but it sure as hell isn't a normal sibling relationship.#I have severe attachment issues and fucking cut myself when I was 14#This mutilation fucked up my brain in the long term too as I now just crassly mention them Like That. They don't mean anything to me anymor#School left me a lonely hurt mess filled with anger and resentment. I had no friends left during my last year there. I had no friends when#I began university. My childhood was horrible and I now have to build something new from the shattered pieces I have left#Some people do help me but in a way my childhood is and always will be lost. I can't relate to what most people got to enjoy#Yes some small moments I do. I went on vacation and stuff and it was fun But somehow something always showed up to make the memory taste ba#When I talk about my past I always have to choose very specific small stories and shave off every negative detail and the grander (bad)#Context
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You thought I forgor, didn't you?
Ha! Detective character sheet be upon ye!
[click for higher resolution]
I wrote a lot (sorry) so it's not a terribly traditional character sheet. I just started thinking about this detective and then Didn't Stop. Meaning when it came time to display the information I was like "Ah. how am I going to fit this."
More details and fun stuff under the cut!
I did a -2 to 2 scale for the traits with zero as "neutral" or "average" bc I thought the comparative %s of the polls looked worse and were harder to grok at a glance.
I tried to include the comments from the notes as part of his description and backstory <3 (mostly in the flop era lol).
I hoped a lot of people would click vanilla extract as a show results button, so that I could take it differently and make Shivmei vanilla scented! And you did :) He loves vanilla flavored and scented things, which is why he smells like that. It is both a blessing and a curse.
Fun fact: what took me the longest in all of this...designing sleuths scarf. Scarf was tied with sharp features for the second most trait, so when I imagined this detective, I imagined the scarf, and the scarf that popped into my head was so pretty I desperately wanted it. Cue hours of research and designing my own fabric print patterns (though it's canonically embroidery that's too hard for me lol). I saved a file with just the flat print w/o the fabric warp or cut-offs in the scarf if anyone wants it. It's a cross between a damask, ikat, and ogee, with some Moroccan influence.
Ah and there I go writing a lot again...
Also, I did one of those bag contents sheets for fun :3
(I named the sidekick Leon via the Behind the Name random name generator, and when I instantly got the name of my favorite knight of the round table, I knew I was going with that one.)
Look up "design a detective" on my blog for the polls that caused this!
Now all that's left is to write a story about our collectively designed detective :D
#design a detective#detective#mystery#new oc#character sheet#fictional detective#hal rambles#i'm mildly obsessed with this character now#y'all voted for a lot of trauma so i felt like i had to give sleuths traumatic backstory#(a very brief overview of it - i have A LOT more details in sleuths dedicated word document)#it's just really brief mentions but i'll trigger tag just in case:#tw abuse mention#tw domestic violence#tw child abuse#i didn't want the traumatic backstory to be too heavily inspired by my own so i went with something i've heavily researched instead#i started writing out a whole thing about it in these here tags but i decided i probably shouldn't#anyways i don't plan on including too much abt it in the story itself other than how it affects shivmei within the duration of the mystery#so like. it's going to affect their beliefs and worries and they have some trauma/ptsd symptoms#but i'm not going to be like *wavy fade out affect* when shivmei was a child....#ok enough about that#i didn't do a full sheet for the sidekick bc i basically just know his character archetype from the polls#but dw i WILL flesh out that character. and probably make a sheet for my own reference. I'm just not going to post it#leon carries shivmei's bag bc shivmei can't carry heavy things :)#it's one of the many consequences from you all making physical ability his LEAST trait out of everything#which personally is what i hoped would happen#thank you for fulfilling my intent without knowing it
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I decided to rewatch a random episode of WTNV for no particular reason (except me wanting fo watch WTNV and being caught up with the plot so I can't just go for the next episode) and ended up with episode 56 Homecoming and I have thoughts!
My major one is that the fact this episode states Cecil visits his mom during Homecoming while impliying Abby doesn't and for me this says some interesting things about them and the Palmers familial dinamics.
#wtnv#welcome to nightvale#wtnv ep 56#cecil palmer#abby palmer#i like to think that next homecoming Cecil either went see his mom by himself or brought Carlos#but either way Carlos was out of the desert and saw how the meeting was affecting Cecil and how his childhood stories were messed up#so Carlos talked Cecil into not going meet his mothet again#instead on homecomings Cecil visits Old Woman Josie#i also like to think Cecil did mention to Abby he was going to visit their mother the first time he did as an invitation#but without truly inviting her because the palmer sibblings have a complicated relationship#and Abby laughted before stopping and looking at him sad and going you're serius#she hugged him once and they never talked about it ever again#but he understood he shouldn't try to invite her and she understood she shouldn't try to convince him not to go#i do think Steve asked as well when Steve went to see his dad#and Abby just brushed it off without much details#because by Matryoska we can see Abby didn't tell a lot to Steve about her childhood#that and Steve has the inverse Cecil situation#the whole town loved kid Cecil except his mother who was the most important one anyway and so he grew up heavilly traumatized#while the whole town hated young Steve except his dad who was the one that really mattered and Steve still got trauma but less#Steve cannot truly understand parental abusive as he had a great dad and is a great dad and he admits it#because Steve is mature and the best#so he invited Abby to go with him and they could meet each other parents#and he realized that Abby was purposifully not going to the met her mother part but accepted it#and didn't force at all#because he is a good husband#sorry I'm a Steve Carlsberg fan#episode 56 is also the episode where earl segments started so get ready for a lot of coments on it#also this is Cecil's depression arc and it shows#abby is right you cut toxic relatives
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Redid my Crepus design might redo some of the others but anyways he has an actual wolf pelt now and he can use it like a hood
#not like anybody would really know otherwise before#I don’t even think I mention his hood like at all in the main story#I’m over 60k words in it and I just forget to talk about little details like that#my bad but in my defense my thoughts are focused elsewhere#like on the trauma#solace chained au#solacespades art#cau crepus#loz au
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wanna bash my skull in this is the STUPIDEST fucking project and my time could be SO MUCH BETTER UTLIZED holy shit
#im crosschecking small details for 3000 fucking matters bc a team fpund small discrepancies in a HANDFULL OF ITEMS#like why not just update as you find errors instead of making me do THIS#plus im only here like 10 hours a week and im too damn GOOD for this project not to toot my own horn but like fr#i like the lady who assigned me the task so i dont wanna bitch abt it but DAMN#i wanna fucking cry#NOT TO MENTION#like half of the cases are abandoned or allowed so LIKE!!!!! whats the POINT#whatever the fuck#head trauma /
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i dont believe in any higher power or things necessarily happening for a reason but its. actually insane how im spending a second year of my life thinking a whole lot about twenty one pilots and dan and phil at the same time, the first time being 2016. and like, how im comparing the two years
2016 was when i first began isolating myself, it was the beginning of the end yknow. a lot of things changed back then and not really for the better
and this year im trying my damn hardest to end that, to fix the stuff i caused starting back then
how much i dont feel like how i used to anymore mentally
also how far ive come in my queer journey as well, i didnt even concieve me of being trans back then lol (i wont put the picture here cause its so unserious but i LOVE that one meme with jesse pinkman and the caption is "girls fetishizing mlm and then 5 years later they look like this" like. THAT WAS ME)
idk, its just like... thats so weird, wow. just how things came together. i just keep reflecting on this stuff so much lately just cause like... i might actually get to live my life. i know i said it before but i really did think my life was over, that i fucked it up all cause i was a teenager going through so much that i was completely unprepared for, some things that no one couldve been prepared for. i did my best with what i had, but what i had was crumbs.
and now i really have a chance. i really have a chance to actually be a person again. thats so fucking scary but its also amazing. theres a whole world out there and i want to be a part of it so badly, and i dont quite know how i will be, but at least ill have the option
so yeah, 13 year old me thinking a lot about twenty one pilots and dan and phil simultaneously, and now 21 year old me doing the same thing. its like im still that kid, and yet not at all. i wish he knew everything that would happen, but i know he had no way to.
#my post#personal#also the way that dnp came out as queer between then and now. something something growth something uhh the world goes on idk#also twenty one pilots later came out with my most favorite song. choker. like i love that song#none of this even really mentions the trauma i went through then and now but i dont want to talk about the details of that publically ever#but comparing when that started and now is also wild#im still on the uphill battle when it comes to that though. i need to talk to my therapist about it but its. so terrifying#i mention that mostly because: next semester makes me think about it. like the way the car stuff is like flashbacks and stuff idk#ive talked a lot about next semester. i also love backslide so much. 'i should have loved you better. do you think that nows the time?'#idk man i could say so much. its just so weird. also like my ENTIRE journey liking VT and being in that fandom#but that... is also something i dont want to talk about lol
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Deleting stupid replies instead of arguing with someone on the Internet... Perhaps this is a sign of maturity...
#one of these days im gonna make a post detailing why i think the idea that Everything that goes on in the nibelhiem flashback is just Zack#is kinda dumb to me bcuz it feels so obvious to me that its both made of shit zack told cloud And cloud's own wish fulfillment#as well as the trauma and j cells and all that just straight up making him Forget zack#LIKE even after he Remembers Zack's existence in rebirth he immediately slots that into his current understanding of the incident#that being: i was a super cool soldier who fought alongside Sephiroth and now also my best friend zack bcuz he was there too#LIKE THAT FIRST FIGHT ALONE KINDA PROVES THIS IDEA TO ME#cuz that scene of soldier!cloud looking at Sephiroth in awe has who is clearly trooper!cloud behind him making the Exact Same Expression!!!!#by this point in cc zack didnt have the same level of hero worship for Sephiroth that cloud did HE WOULDNT BE LOOKING AT HIM LIKE THAT#fuck i got kinda heated here#i just dont get Why youd wanna reduce the whole flashback down to It Was Entirely Zack The Whole Time#bcuz in my mind its much more interesting and says sooo much about cloud for it to be both fact (zack) and fiction (cloud)#not to mention that trooper!cloud isnt even There for certain scenes so its kinda absurd to imply that he'd have a perfect understanding of#events he Was Not Present For
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