#no matter how much i work im always behind
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I Mυʂƚ Mαƙҽ Yσυ ƚԋҽ Pҽɾϝҽƈƚ Mσɾɳιɳɠ
┆ꜱʏɴᴏᴘꜱɪꜱ - "you have a hard time accepting help, your boyfriend toge is nothing if not patient."
ᴍᴏᴠɪᴇ ꜱᴛᴀᴛꜱ: ★ Starring: Toge I. x Gn! Reader ★ Run Time: 1.4k ★ Genre/Warnings: [Rated R: Drama/Comfort] not much tbh, mentions of injuries/blood, comfort, angst, i skimmed thru quickly and im pretty sure its gender neutral, toge uses sign language ★ older work !!
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it was late- way past midnight. yet inumaki was still awake, pacing around the common room of jujutsu tech. you hadn’t come back yet. having been sent on a mission earlier this evening you should have been back already.
it’s not that he thought you weren’t capable of taking care of yourself. he knew you were more than capable of that. but it was already so late and you should be back. inumaki let out a groan of frustration, combing a hand through his hair as he stopped his pacing.
realizing that staying here would eat him alive until you got back, he decided he would go take a stroll outside. with hopes that the cold air would distract him enough, he quietly walked down the halls. it was quiet, typical for the school this late at night, and dark as well. but one light caught his eye.
the door to the clinic shoko usually worked in was open just barely enough that the sliver out light that came spilling out was enough for inumaki to notice. his eyes widened as he thought of the worse, speed walking towards the door,
“ah- shit-,” a hiss came from behind the door, following a long string of curses that inumaki immediately recognized to be coming from your mouth. with a shaky hand he pushed the door open, walking inside with his heart beating in his ears.
there you were, sitting on top a stool as you tried to give yourself stitches. you were biting down hard on the collar of your shirt as you tried to get the needle through with trembling hands. inumaki’s eyes only seemed to bug out even more at the state you were in. there was a dark spot on the side of your shirt that was only getting darker. dried blood under your nose and on your lips. your legs were shaking sporadically and he could see tears forming against your lashes. the gash you were trying to stich up wasn’t too big, but it hurt like hell and you knew it would need to be closed manually.
when you finally noticed inumaki you couldn’t bring yourself to move your now pounding head to look at him. you were also hoping he would leave, not really wanting him nor anyone you know to see you in such a state of what you thought was pure weakness.
but inumaki either didn’t get the hint, or didn’t care. circling around to look at you head on you saw his eyes plead with yours. you were always so good at understanding him just by his expressions. and while inumaki was always grateful for that, you in this moment hated it, now feeling like you could physically see the unwanted pity he felt for you.
he hovered over you for a while, not entirely sure what to do. but when your hand spasmed, causing you to cry out, it was like his instincts took over and he immediately grabbed your wrist. he held onto it tightly and it took several moments for you to even muster the strength to move your head to look at him.
you felt embarrassed- weak and inumaki trying to help was only making you feel worse, no matter how irrational it was. you glared at him, tugging your hand away from him.
“you cant just give yourself stitches,” his face was full of concern as he moved his hands to communicate with you. but you ignored it, reading your hand again to try once more. but he stopped you again, swiftly taking the needle from you and throwing it on the tray by your side that was already filled with other bloody needles from your other attempts at stitching yourself up.
“leave me alone,” you scoffed, reaching out for the tray. inumaki was quicker than you, snatching the tray off the table and walking it to a counter while he shot you a look. “oh fuck off,” you groaned loudly, staring daggers into him while he set the tray aside. despite the rudeness on your part, his expression stayed gentle as he walked back over to you.
“you should call shoko,”
“no i should not,” your response was quick and your voice was defensive. “i’m not calling shoko at almost two in the morning,” although inumaki didn’t think it was the best idea, he nodded, having easily been able to tell what type of state you were in right now. he reached for a roll of gauze, getting ready to wrap it around the gash on your arm. “don’t touch me-,” you snapped, causing inumaki to jump slightly at your tone. “i can do it myself,” you mumbled, snatching the gauze from him with a weak arm.
you clenched your jaw as you began to wrap your wound, feeling inumaki’s eyes on you the entire time. you tried not to let the events that unfolded a mere hour ago plague your mind. the horror and death you witnessed this night being the worse you’ve ever seen. but you couldn’t cry. you had to be strong. all of your other peers have seen and done so much and they are able to hold it together. so you needed to do the same. you felt a tap on your shoulder and jumped. the sudden movement causing tears you didnt even know were forming to fall down your cheeks.
“y/n what’s going on? what happened? what else hurts?” inumaki was frantic while signing, frustration bubbling in his chest at the fact that he couldn’t just speak. his rapid fire of questions alongside your crying started to overwhelm you.
“stop-,” your voice was harsh, shaking your head as you hastily finished tying the gauze before hurriedly trying to hop off the stool. “just fucking stop and leave me alone- i dont want your pity,” you stood on shaky legs as you tried to wobble out of the clinic, the urge to hide away practically consuming you at this point. inumaki could feel his eyebrows pinching together as he watched you stand on trembling legs. he felt himself hurting for you and wanting to help you anyway he could.
“you can’t walk,” he let out a frustrated sigh as you ignored him and tried to take another step forward. your knees almost instantly buckled under you, and within a few moments inumaki was holding you securely to his side with your arm strung over his shoulders. in this moment you wanted nothing to scream and cry and push him away. but when you felt his arm around you and saw the patient look on his face, you felt yourself started to cry once more.
inumaki was quick to bring your head to his chest. cradling your head against him, he kept his other arm around your waist, holding you close to him as sobs wracked through your body. you grabbed fistfuls of his shirt as he tried to sooth you with soft hums.
at some point the two of sank to the floor as you desperately clung on to inumaki. your mind felt blank as you let out all of your bottled up feelings in the form of tears. he smoothed his hand over your hair, rocking the two of you slowly. eventually your crying stopped and you let go of your vice grip on his shirt. your sniffling was quiet as you pushed back against him. you kept your eyes on the ground as he helped you stand back up.
“i need to go lay down, i’ll make it on my own,” your voice was hoarse as you tried to walk off on your own, already feeling more embarrassment and shame than you even thought was possible. you felt inumaki’s hand tighten on your waist in opposal but you shook your head. “inumaki let me go i’ll be fine,” he looked at you with desperation and concern in his eyes as he reluctantly let go.
“you could barely even walk to the door,” he was quick to step in front of you, blocking off the door and not letting you try to walk the halls to your dorm room.
“inumaki let me go-,” he shook his head vehemently, already moving his hands to try to reason with you. “inumaki please just leave me the fuck alone i dont want your help-” you shouted at him, your voice cracking slightly at the end. you felt bad when you saw inumaki’s face dropped but as soon as he moved out of the way you were stumbling out.
he watched you walk out, eyes glassing over while he tried to figure out what he was doing wrong. why wouldn’t you let him help you.
inumaki blinked rapidly, trying to keep himself from crying as he walked you disappear down the hall. then with a final sigh he stalked back off to his room, knowing he wouldn’t be able to sleep while knowing the state you were in.
i hope you enjoyed !! reblogs/comments are very appreciated <3 ʟᴏʙʙʏ ﹕ꜰɪʟᴍᴏɢʀᴀᴘʜʏ 𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃
#inumaki x reader#inumaki x you#toge x reader#toge x you#inumaki toge#toge inumaki#inumaki angst#toge angst#inumaki comfort#toge comfort#inumaki toge angst#toge inumaki angst#toge inumaki x reader#inumaki toge x reader#toge inumaki jjk#inumaki toge jjk#inumaki jjk#toge jjk#jjk angst#jjk comfort#jjk x you#jjk x reader#gn!reader#comfort#angst#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#ac.drama#ac.comfort#ac.toge
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#i haven't cried in so long so i guess i was due for a good sob#i am sick#and tired#and so so done with dealing with my own brain#no matter how much i work im always behind#i cant keep up with dishes and laundry and school work#i cant just keep trying harder cause it doesnt work#but its my only option#and its so insanely frustrating to realize that i will never get better#i will forever be sub-par#i will always be struggling to get normal shit done#i will never be able to keep track of appointments or remember important information#all the skills and knowledge i work hard for will disappear instantly the moment i stop focusing on them#i hate that i appear functional because im not and no one will believe that im genuinely incapable of staying on top of things#time will keep slipping by me and i wont ever be able to attain my goals because my self-discipline is never enough#i hate my brain and im tired of fighting a disability thats never severe enough to warrent pity or aid but makes life harder all the same
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it's so damn sad that i have 500+ of you and no one gives a shit that i am curled up on the floor crying holding my old stuffed cat because it's the only thing that hasn't left me and trying not to have a full on break down and jump out a window, but you will just at the chances to correct my shitty behaviors the moment i even momentarily fuck up. suck my dick/not a threat. jesus christ
i am tired. take what i say tonight with a grain of salt. i can't type due to the fact every ounce of liquid in my body is pouring out through my eyes while i try to convince myself life is worth living.
#kairying in here#im so tired#im so exhausted#i feel like im gonna pass out but my body keeps shaking#i feel like everything i do gets criticized and im so sick of it#let me be a person. let me say shit and regret it on my own god damn terms#do not point it out yes i know what i said what fucked up but i do not care#i am angry. i am tired. i am hurt. and if i hurt you well then maybe you deserve it#because you probably hurt me#you people hurt me so damn much#not all of you#but the ones who know who they are know who they are#of course they're all pussys and have me blocked#dumb fucks#deciding to ghost me and leave me for dead after multiple exhausted work nights telling them how much they matter#bullshit. absolute bullshit. you can't care about anyone without them giving you the finger and leaving you#why do i always need to be left behind?#why am i so undesirable that everyone fucking leaves me?#fuck you. fuck all of this shit#fuck this fuck you tumblr#i give up#im done#i quit. i give up. you win. i am a bad person#i am egotistical and rude and i do not take accountability for my actions#are for you fucking happy?#are you glad that ill be dead by tomorrow? that you'll never need to see my fucking face again?#you win. congrats. you get the honor of seeing me bitch for no one to hear#im sick of this. of all of it#my friends are gone. im “too negative”. fuck that#fuck that and fuck you. go eat shit
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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#i need to stop doing this. but i just. i.....#.....I'll probably fall asleep minutes after i post this#so if you message me about it and i don't reply that's why#but i just#............fuck I'm trying so hard#it doesn't seem to matter#no matter how much i get done or accomplish it's never enough I'm always ten steps behind where i need to be to even reach net zero#not even the point of making progress. the point where i can so much as rest#I'm so tired. im so tired. nothing i think of works nothing i try is ever the right thing#i know from the outside looking in i may not seem like a burden i may even seem like an uplifting person to be around#but I'm a burden.#i am. I'm not self deprecating. it's a fact. it's just a fact.#as i am now i am a resource sink and i need too much help and i can't really be independent#and yet i don't really have a choice#so at present whoever i live with (currently my husband) gets stuck taking care of me because i just fall short in so many ways#.....i can't do anything right#nothing i do seems to matter. i can't.... i can't do anything#fuck#I'm just repeating myself I'm almost certain but#...............why can't i have a decent idea for once#all this confidence and i just keep fucking up anyway#worked so hard on being confident in myself that i don't match up to my own expectations now#i#.............fuck#everything hurts so badly#I'm so tired#....I'm so tired#....................if anyone happens to live in Minnesota and wants to just. come shoot me dead hit me up#im too much of a coward to do it myself
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sometimes its hard to think my art will really reach enough people to fulfill my dream
#im so behind#and such a...mediocre artist lmao#im best at digital and even then apparently that isnt good enough#i dont know how to actually use any other art mediums i dont step out of my style comfort zone#i dont draw every day at the speed of light with a new piece all the time#which i dont think is a bad thing necessarily i blame capitalism and what consumerism has become on that one#idk even tho i do like my art and think its underrated it doesnt rly matter cause#i dont rly have an audience#its so discouraging when years ago my older shitty art got so much attention#and now that im at a place where my art is good to me i dont get seen AT ALL#im just down#and whining#cause i dont have the time or energy or means to be a full time artist#and its because no matter what ive always done in the past i can never seem to get further#i cant be a full time artist i need to work a dumb normal job just to barely make ends meet#i could go on about this forever and how bad it makes me feel but its 7 am and im not on it
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#hey tay anon im just gonna respond like this. i feel u!#im not a fan but im intrigued by some of her work so then i rabbithole a little bit now and then and i get the appeal#and always what makes me let's say chill about things is the separation between a public persona and the real human behind it#and we wanna see the real person if were a fan. of any musician any celeb#or were a fan of the TM which is totally fine to indulge in that like its the whole point right.#actually in reality its always a little bit of both. anyway so like that helps me to not be affected too much by the shitty stuff#like i believe that ppl of this status (like tay having built fame on the kinda songs she has paired with the image of trashing exes)#write about things that are true to them - at least in core feeling or in little details - and have an image that fits it and go for max#exposure. and i think everybody involved just know its just bs and says little to nothing about the actual human whose face is used for#that image. like harry and the sex symbol status like sdklfjsldk#i feel like in the end the only thing that matters is that the reach said image gives is how many people can be affected by the music.#makes them feel things. gives them something that can put words and sounds to their own lives. and she does that very well
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i read posts like this and i’m overcome with RAGE like wtf is wrong with white ppl. i’m sorry y’all are actually afraid of ppl w different accents doing their jobs????? fucks wrong w yall huh
not only are there no bad languages there are also no bad or annoying dialects
#i once told this neighbor of mine how much i love pippi longstocking (as y’all like to call her) and he goes#they changed so much of it bc back in the day the father was the king of niggers#UNPROMPTED#and i went home and told my sister: whatever i say or talk about white ppl always have to talk about the rascism that changed behind it#and how whatever i say in their head translates to some rascist thought or smth they knew of that was rascist#and why were they so obsessed w us when we literally say nothing bad ab them no matter how many fucked up things they’ve done#and that in turn reminds me of that tweet that goes for every unbothered black or poc that’s minding their biz is a white person in their bz#or thinking of them#like why was their history only talks of dehumanizing us when we’ve literally never even spared a thought to them? when all we care is to#work and get a better life for our family but they’re so obsessed and only ever talk about how evil and animalistic we are#IM FUCKING TIRED NAN
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dont mind the vent in the tags
#i am just exhausted#shit was really bad and then it was getting better and my job in food service sucked every bit of humanity from me#if you ever worked in food service and havent become a misanthrope#respect. i mean it#im currently on sick leave bc whenever i came home i was filled with such an indescribable rage and it literally wouldnt stop until hours#after i got home. but this also means ive lost every real life contact outside my family except for one. and thats someone i met on a dating#app. i have never had many friends and for a few years i havent any irl#right now i know i should rest because in theory i know i deserve it but i also cant sit around doing nothing#and i feel like just resting isnt something im allowed to do#ive hurt so many people. never on purpose. but i have#and ive been trying not to crucify myself for it but its so fucking hard#ive tried to keep going. ive tried focusing on whats good in my life#but the more im left to my own devices the more i realize that my life is so fucking empty#im stuck and everyone elses world keeps turning and everyone is so occupied with their own shit and#i dont know how the world has space for me anymore#there are people i loved so much and#i just dont understand why i am the way i am at this point#i cant help but feel like nobodys actually listening to me. like the only people listening are the ones too far away to ever hold me#i feel like all my life the world has been behind a pane of glass i cannot penetrate no matter how hard i try#ive tried tools ive tried hammers ive tried tears ive tried my bare fists ive tried running into it#and all i am to the world is a stupid adorable butterfly so full of potential jt hurts. i am sick of being “so full of potential”#i am sick of being told to keep trying when all i get in return is a slap in the face#everyones world keeps turning and mine only does when i am doing things that do not fulfill me or bring me joy#why cant my life be as full and joyful as that of others? why cant i have what everyone else has?#it has always felt like there was something deeply wrong with me. not because i think there is but because everyone else has been doing#their damndest to convince me of it. and i am so fucking tired - why does the world treat me like i am unimportant#vent tw#cw vent#vent cw#tw vent
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on one hand, I am EXPONENTIALLY busier at work. on the other hand, I'm so busy that I don't have time for some of the things I use to do, like overshare
#aka im literally too busy to talk#i was really stressed about it for a while but you know what. i am working LITERALLY every second i am in this building#i am always doing SOMETHING and will always have something else to do if someone offers to help#therefore they cannot get mad at me. it doesn't matter that i am a little behind at all times because i am always working#i struggled for a long time with oversharing (both bc i was talking too much and bc i would get into conversations*#*where it would be weird if i refused to answer or gave a vague answer)#but now we have a pretty much brand new staff most of whom i dislike anyways#so i can finally live my stoic no talking no expressions no oversharing dreams#and i WILL learn how to clock my brain out of work mode. i don't mind being busy but the stress isn't allowed to come home w me#i might literally pavlov's dog myself with an alarm that goes off ONLY when its time to be Done With Work#so that my brain learns to associate that sound with the Thank Fuck I Get To Leave emotion#🚬😔
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having to restrain from saying anything when my dad dares to say that men get paid LESS than women. in what world. are you out of your fucking mind old man.
#ow.err#IN WHAT WORLD ARE MEN PAID LESS THAN WOMEN.#like. i shouldnt be surprised he said that bc he watched and/rew t/ate and jo/e rog/an so like. of fucking course he'd think that.#but like dude. you have no idea what youre talking about.#and there is NO WAY im gonna even try to tell him otherwise bc he is. loud. yk.#im just gonna. leave that there. bc its not my responsibility to 'fix' my parents as much as id love to try.#its just not my responsibility. and itll prob just end in me getting screamed at anyways since they wont listen to me or anything i say#cuz im still a kid in their eyes ! ! ! !!!! ! ! so cool ! ! ! ! ! !#almost 20. father doesnt think i know how to wake myself up w/o being woken up by someone else.#SO INSULTING BTW. i always get up on time. no matter what. nearly 20 and he thinks im a fking child still#both my mom and dad do but my dad does it in an 'underestimating' me way and my mom does it in a 'tries to overly coddle me' way#you know? i dunno. i dunno. i wanna move out but money is so fked rn. and idk how to do like. anything. so im just...#gonna do my classes and try to get a nice job and save up for awhile before i actually move out to my own place#im also kind of scared bc idk if ill have the. will to care for myself once i move out. like im worried ill just let myself die#sso. things to. work on before i get out of here i guess. but the thing is this environment will not let me heal. ahhh !!!!!!!!!#the only way out is through!!! through and scared!!!!!!!!!!!! tmrw marks the start of my life potentially starting to change. for the bette#but still changing. and oh man. im very nervous. its scary#cuz like. i didnt think id live past like 12 ??? so to be almost 20 and very behind on 'adult things' is. scary?daunting?#it all almost feels unreal. like im reaching a part of my life i never thought id actually reach. it feels like ive been living on#borrowed time since 12 so now im like. damn i have to live dont i. i have to actively make this life worth living now#some days i still worry itll be my last but ... im just gonna try to take it one step at a time. its all i can do.#be as prepared as i can. and take it one step at a time. i clutch onto the hope that my life will get better#and i clutch onto it with an iron grip. because damn it. it has to get better than this. it has to.#wow this got derailed. oh well my poast my rules.
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Hi! Im usually too embarrassed to send requests but- maybe Ambessa with assistant reader? Whose so sweet and awkward and tries her best to help and follow ambessa around- (if it's not too much reader is from the undercity and worked hard to try and be were she is now)
HER LITTLE ASSISTANT
Ambessa x f!reader
Synopsis: You never fully grasped at the fact you had been chosen as Ambessa’s personal assistant, a simple girl who had climbed high from the Undercity. But now that you had the chance, you weren’t gonna give it up, no matter how nervous you may be.
Request: Anon 🤍
The Medarda estate in Noxus was every bit as imposing as its mistress. A sprawling fortress of crimson stone and black iron, it loomed over the city like a sentinel, unyielding and proud. It was fitting, then, that the woman who ruled within it was just as formidable.
You were not.
Trailing behind Ambessa Medarda as her assistant, you often felt like a tiny sparrow struggling to keep pace with a hawk. She strode through the halls with her characteristic confidence, her long strides and the sharp clink of her armor an unrelenting tempo you scrambled to match.
Your arms were laden with reports, a satchel bouncing awkwardly against your hip. You’d learned early on that Noxian efficiency left no room for mistakes, and as someone who’d clawed their way out of Zaun’s undercity, failure wasn’t an option.
“Keep up, little one,” Ambessa called over her shoulder, her tone teasing yet commanding.
“Yes, ma’am,” you chirped, nearly tripping as you hurried to close the gap.
She stopped abruptly, turning to watch as you skidded to a halt in front of her. Her sharp eyes swept over you, taking in your disheveled appearance and flushed cheeks.
“Well, I did not mean keep up by falling,” she chuckled, a smirk tugging at her lips. “Just breathe.”
“I—yes, of course,” you stammered, clutching the reports tighter. “Sorry, Lady Medarda.”
Her brow arched. “Ambessa. You’ve been working for me long enough to drop the formalities.”
“Right. Ambessa,” you repeated, though the name felt far too intimate on your tongue.
She seemed satisfied and gestured for you to follow. “Good. Now, let’s see if you’ve organized these reports properly.”
Ambessa’s days were relentless, filled with strategy meetings, inspections, and commanding the loyalty of those around her. You followed her through it all, your hands busy with ledgers and maps, your mind spinning as you tried to keep up with her sharp wit.
Despite your nerves, you’d started to notice small things about her. The way she rolled her shoulders after a long meeting. The faint smile that tugged at her lips when something amused her. The occasional soft glance she directed your way when she thought you weren’t looking.
She wasn’t cruel, not to you. Stern, yes. Intimidating? Always. But there was a softness to her that you suspected few ever saw. It was in the way she ensured you ate during long days, how she subtly slowed her pace when she noticed you struggling to keep up.
And sometimes, her touch lingered just a moment too long.
Like now.
The two of you stood in her private study, the soft glow of the hearth casting flickering shadows across the room. You were handing her a report when her fingers brushed yours. It was the barest of touches, but it sent a jolt through you.
“You’re trembling,” she remarked, her voice low and teasing.
“S-sorry,” you stuttered, quickly pulling your hand back.
She chuckled, setting the report aside. “Relax, little one. You’ve done well today.”
Her praise was rare and precious, and you couldn’t stop the warmth that spread through your chest. “Thank you, Ambessa. I just want to make sure I don’t disappoint you.”
Her expression softened, and for a moment, the weight of her armor seemed to lift. “You could never disappoint me.”
Like the others, the following days brought more of the same: relentless work, fleeting touches, and a growing tension that neither of you addressed.
Ambessa was always close, closer than necessary, you thought. When reviewing maps, she would stand behind you, her breath warm against your ear as she pointed out key locations. Her hand would sometimes rest on your shoulder, firm and reassuring.
It wasn’t inappropriate, but it was enough to make your heart race and your thoughts spiral. Did she even realize what she was doing to you?
One evening, as you prepared tea in the estate’s kitchen, Ambessa entered unexpectedly. You jumped, nearly dropping the kettle.
“Ambessa! I didn’t hear you,” you said, clutching the counter for support.
“I noticed,” she said with a smirk. “What are you doing down here?”
“I—well, I thought you might like some tea. You’ve been working so hard, and I just…” You trailed off, your cheeks burning.
Her expression softened, and she stepped closer. “That’s thoughtful of you.”
You swallowed hard as she took the kettle from your hands, her fingers brushing yours again. Her touch lingered, warm and deliberate.
“You’re too kind, little one,” she said softly, her gaze locking with yours.
Your heart thundered in your chest. “I just want to help.”
She smiled—a rare, genuine smile that made your knees weak. “You do more than help. You keep me grounded.
The tipping point came on a quiet night, weeks later. The day had been exhausting, and you were both in her study, the fire crackling softly as you worked through a final stack of documents.
Ambessa set her quill down, leaning back in her chair as she regarded you thoughtfully. “You’ve worked hard today. Come here.”
You hesitated, unsure of what she meant.
“Don’t make me repeat myself,” she said, though her tone was more amused than stern.
You approached her cautiously, standing awkwardly in front of her chair. She reached out, her hands settling on your hips as she guided you to sit on the edge of the desk.
“Ambessa?” you asked, your voice barely above a whisper.
“Shh,” she murmured, her thumbs brushing small circles against your sides.
Her touch was firm yet gentle, grounding you in a way that made your breath hitch. Her gaze was softer than you’d ever seen it, and the tension that had been simmering between you for weeks finally broke.
“I’ve been patient,” she said, her voice low and intimate. “But I can’t ignore this anymore.”
You blinked, your heart pounding. “Ignore what?”
“The way I feel about you,” she admitted, her honesty stealing the air from your lungs.
Your lips parted, but no words came. She cupped your cheek, her thumb brushing against your skin as she leaned in slowly, giving you every chance to pull away.
You didn’t.
When her lips met yours, it was soft and tentative, as though she was afraid of overwhelming you. Her kiss was surprisingly gentle for someone so strong, her touch careful and reverent.
You melted into her, your hands finding their way to her shoulders as the world fell away.
When she finally pulled back, her forehead rested against yours, her breath warm against your skin.
“Tell me I’m not wrong,” she murmured, her voice laced with vulnerability.
“You’re not,” you whispered, your voice trembling but sure.
She smiled, her eyes holding a tenderness that made your chest ache. “Good.”
She slowly leaned back in, allowing her lips to ghost against yours once more. “Then let me continue to show my love for you.” She breathed before her lips captured yours again.
A/N: kinda mad I made this so short, but I hope it’s okay!!
#ambessa x reader#ambessa x you#ambessa fanfic#ambessa medarda#ambessa arcane#arcane ambessa#arcane fanfic#arcane#lesbian fanfic#lesbian#fluffy fanfic#fluff#sweet and spicy fanfic#sweet and spicy#sweet fanfic#sweet#fanfic#fanfic writing
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hi, i ireally love your work and i don't know if you've answered this before but, what kinds of studies do you do or how did you learn color theory? i wanna get better at rendering and anatomy but im having trouble TT TT
Hi! Long answer alert. Once a chatterbox, always a chatterbox.
When I started actively learning how to draw about 10 1/2 years ago, I exclusively did graphite studies in sketchbooks. Here's a few examples—I mostly stuck to doing line drawings to drill basic shapes/contours and proportions into my brain. The more rendered sketches helped me practice edge control & basic values, and they were REALLY good for learning the actual 3D structure behind what I was drawing.
I'd use reference images that I grabbed from fitness forums, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, and some NSFW places, but you could find adequate ref material from figure drawing sites like Line of Action. LoA has refs for people (you can filter by clothed/unclothed, age, & gender), animals, expressions, hands/feet, and a few other useful things as well. Love them.
Learning how to render digitally was a similar story; it helped a lot that I had a pretty strong foundation for value/anatomy going in. I basically didn't touch color at all for ~2 years (except for a few attempts at bad digital or acrylic paint studies), which may not have been the best idea. I learned color from a lot of trial and error, honestly, and I'm pretty sure this process involved a lot of imitation—there were a number of digital/traditional painters whose styles I really wanted to emulate (notably their edge control, color choices, value distributions, and shape design), so I kiiind of did a mixture of that + my own experimentation.
For example, I really found Benjamin Björklund's style appealing, especially his softened/lost edges & vibrant pops of saturated color, so here's a study I did from some photograph that I'm *pretty* sure was painted with him in mind.
Learning how to detail was definitely a slow process, and like all the aforementioned things (anatomy/color/edge control/values/etc.) I'm still figuring it out. Focusing on edge control first (that is, deciding on where to place hard/soft edges for emphasizing/de-emphasizing certain areas of the image) is super useful, because you can honestly fool a viewer into thinking there's more detail in a piece than there actually is if you're very economical about where you place your hard edges.
The most important part, to me, is probably just doing this stuff over and over again. You're likely not going to see improvement in a few weeks or even a few months, so don't fret about not getting the exact results you want and just keep studying + making art. I like to think about learning art as a process where you *need* to fail and make crappy art/studies—there's literally no way around it—so you might as well fail right now. See, by making bad art you're actually moving forward—isn't that a fun prospect!!
It's useful to have a folder with art you admire, especially if you can dissect the pieces and understand why you like them so much. You can study those aspects (like, you can redraw or repaint that person's work) and break down whether this is art that you just like to look at, or if it's the kind of art that you want to *make.* There's a LOT of art out there that I love looking at, probably tens of thousands of styles/mediums, but there's a very narrow range that I want to make myself.
I've mentioned it in some ask reply in the past, but I really do think looking at other artist's work is such a cheat code for improving your own skills—the other artist does the work to filter reality/ideas for you, and this sort of allows you to contact the subject matter more directly. I can think of so many examples where an artist I admired exaggerated, like, the way sunlight rested on a face and created that orange fringe around its edge, or the greys/dull blues in a wheat field, or the bright indigo in a cast shadow, or the red along the outside of a person's eye, and it just clicked for me that this was a very available & observable aspect of reality, which had up until that point gone completely unnoticed! If you're really perceptive about the art you look at, it's shocking how much it can teach you about how to see the world (in this particular case I mean this literally, in that the art I looked at fully changed the way I visually processed the world, but of course it has had a strong effect on my worldviews/relationships/beliefs).
Thanks so much for sending in a question (& for reading, if you got this far)! I read every single ask I receive, including the kind words & compliments, which I genuinely always appreciate. Best of luck with learning, my friend :)
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Sunshine and Midnight Rain
Luke Castellan x Apollo kid!Reader
word count: 851
summary: Luke castellan and the daughter of apollos love story
a/n: “remember who the enemy is” IM TRYING
Luke Castellan held your heart since the day you met, and you held his.
You arrived at camp a few months after Luke. You were one of the lucky ones, claimed within an hour of being there. Your godly father is Apollo, god of poetry, the sun, music, narcissism, idiocy, stupidity, all that. You had assumed the gods would act superior to all, no matter if they were or weren’t. But Apollo was on a completely different level. You didn’t know why he had taken such a liking to you.
“You remind him of himself,” Your half sister, Kayla, had told you, “an archer who never misses, healer who fixes every wound, gifted singer, and somehow picked up the lyre in a day. And yet, you still ask why Apollo loves you the most?”
“I wish he wouldn’t,” you twirl the golden arrow he gifted you.
“y’know, that hermes boy has been staring since the moment you stepped foot here,” she smiles, nodding to the tan boy sitting on a picnic table.
“Great, more attention,” you keep your sights on the boy, lucas? Luca, maybe?
“His name’s luke castellan,” kayla says, ah luke, that’s it.
“He’s handsome,” you say matter of factly.
“Don’t trust those Hermes boys, all they do is lie,” Kayla leans back and rolls her eyes.
“It’s a good thing I play the lyre.”
——————
“You’ve got a great shot,” a deep voice says from behind you.
You’ve been at the range for around an hour, it’s 4:30, you always practice when no one else is around.
“The whole reason why I come out here this early is so i can be alone,” sure, it sounds mean but you swear you’re not trying to be.
“Sorry, once I see you it’s hard to look away,” you’re not looking at him but you can tell me has the biggest smirk on his face.
“Funny,” you tell him bluntly.
You set down your bow, keeping the arrow in your hand, and sit on the nearby grass. He lays down beside you, you follow his lead and put your hands behind your head.
“That arrow, it’s like it’s made of the sun,” He says amazed.
“A gift from dear old dad. No matter how far I shoot it’ll always come back. Supposed to be a sign of his love or something. But I think he just constantly wants me to be annoyed by him,” you inform him possibly too much.
“Most people would be grateful if their godly parent cares that much,” he says.
“It’s different with Apollo, there is no such thing as true altruism with him,” you bite your inner lip.
“I get that, I’m just tryna say- Hermes never showed up for me, and I'd kill to just have him tell me he cares,” His eyes furrow.
“Guess we both have different priorities,” you smile.
“Opposites work best don’t they?” He smiles back.
“Isn’t it opposites attract?” You wonder.
“Hey, your words, not mine,” he laughs.
“That one’s Orion,” You point up at the constellation.
“He was always my favorite,” he adds.
“Mine has always been Cassiopeia, but you can never see her over here,” You look back up at the sky.
“That one’s Taurus, and then Sirius below, and Gemini above,” you point each of them out.
Even though he hums in acknowledgment his eyes are locked on you.
“You’re staring, again” You mention.
“I told you I can’t help it, especially when you glow like that,” he reaches out and touches your face.
You reach out and grab his hand, running your fingers against his slender digits.
“I’d like to be a constellation when I die, maybe my father will fulfill that wish,” you say to him.
“That’ll be my last wish too, we can lay in the stars together.”
——————
It’s been a day since Percy Jackson came to Camp Half-blood. It just so happens to be your favorite day of the year, capture the flag. You have led the archers on the blue team for years, you’d say you’re doing well for what you’re given. Besides your siblings in Apollo the rest of the kids weren’t as gifted in archery.
As the first conch shell blew you were preparing for your mock-battle. Annabeth in charge of the plan and Percy, Luke with company, and you with the archers. You knew you could, no- would win. The archers took the trees, helping stray company from the skies.
“Today feels like a winning kind of day?” Annabeth asks luke.
“I’ll see you on the other side,” He smiles.
“Luke!” You pull him aside for a moment.
You cup his face the best you can through his armor. “You don’t get hurt okay? I don’t feel like healing anymore wounds from you. Understand?”
“Oh but I love to see you healing” he holds your hand and smirks
“Archers! Move out!” You call your team, eyes still locked with his, smiling.
“so… you and her?” Percy asks the taller boy.
“how could I not? She's perfect. I mean, I genuinely believe I could live without the sun if I just had her.”
And maybe, just maybe, he could.
#luke castellan#luke castellan x reader#luke castellan x you#percy jackon and the olympians#percy jackson#pjo#pjo series#percy jackson x reader#percy jackson x you#percy jackson x y/n#pjo x reader#pjo x you
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independent contractor
joel miller x f!reader (one shot)
fully inspired by this post
warnings/tags: no outbreak au, no sarah mentioned, but we can always pretend she’s at collage or something, infidelity by reader(reader’s hubby is an asshole), contractor!joel, age gap (late 20s/mid 50s) , masterbation (m), smelling of panties(?), sexting, oral (receiving), p in v (unprotected- don’t do that!!) general smut so children leave!! mdni 18+
word count: 6.1k
a/n: i understand not everyone is going to dig the infidelity thing so i get that, if you are not into that please just scroll on, thank you :)
* 。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆ 。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆
It was a beautiful dress but damn if it wasn’t complicated, the back had all these complicated buttons and clasps to hold it closed. You had managed to get yourself into the thin fabric but just as you needed your husband to close the dress, he had conveniently disappeared. He had been dressed for the party for a while and had been running around the house trying to organize the vendors. It was all for some charity thing he was throwing through his company. He was the CEO of some big company that even after 5 years of marriage you still didn’t understand. Something to do with finance? Maybe.
“Hon? Are you up here?” You huffed as you realized he was not in ear shot. Your husband had a habit of doing this, leaving right when you needed him in favor of something he needed.
You can now admit to yourself that the marriage you were in was a little rushed. Ok, maybe more than rushed. You were engaged within three months of meeting and married in less than a year. The first year of marriage was amazing, he would shower you with gifts and trips and practically worshiped the ground you walk on. It now felt like he only did this to rope you in. He began to take multiple long ‘work trips’ every month and you soon found evidence of an affair (or multiple). Once, there was long hair all over his clothes that was definitely not his or yours along with red lipstick smudged on a white shirt. Was he not even trying to hide it or did he just not care?
You had always told yourself that ‘you’d never be with a cheater’ and you wouldn’t fall prey to men who used women. Well, after a quick marriage, that you begged your parents to go along with, you felt like you had nowhere else to go. Your parents would not be happy and would surely find a way to blame you, and all your friends were also his. So, you kept your head high as your husband did as he pleased. You were now a forgotten trophy on the shelf he felt didn’t need polishing anymore. So you did as you pleased, with his money. One of the things you liked spending his money on was renovations to the house that you were usually alone in.
Currently, you were renovating the other side of the house to become a library/craft area for yourself. The contractor was actually at the house doing a walk through before the party got started. He happened to hear you calling for your husband from down the hall and came to your rescue.
“Sorry to disturb you ma’am, I think he went downstairs,” he was looking down when he first walked in, probably to make sure you were decent. What a gentleman.
“Of course he did, uhg,” you fumbled with the clasps behind your back and failed to make a difference.
“I can go get ‘em for ya?”
“No that’s ok Joel, thank you,” Joel Miller, one half of Miller Construction. He had been so great from the beginning, knowing exactly what you wanted for the library, seeing your vision immediately. He was very much the southern Texan gentleman, ‘yes ma’am, no ma’am’, no matter how many times you told him you hated it. “and please, Joel. I’m not a ma’am.” Your smile drew his eyes up.
”My mama would kill me if she heard me call ya’ anythin’ but, ma’am,” he stepped into the room, already coming to help even with your refusal. “I’m more delicate than ya think, im sure i can handle some buttons,” he came up behind you in the mirror and his soft touch on your shoulder blade made you inhale. You held the dress against your chest making sure he had room to fasten the small clasps. You caught his gaze in the mirror that was fixated on the dip in the front of the dress.
He matched your smile.
His surprisingly nimble fingers secure every last fastening and it feels like you can hear your own heart beating out of your chest. It had been a long time since you were looked at the way Joel was looking at you. He was a handsome man, big and rugged but soft in his features. He had these deep brown eyes that you could get lost in and lips that would make a nun blush. He was affecting you in ways your husband hadn’t done in years, he was turning you on. A complete stranger was turning you on and you didn’t really feel guilty.
Did that make you a terrible person?
You know what, fuck it. Your husband cheated and left you alone in life, you were entitled to some flirting every now and then.
“There ya are darlin’,” dear lord, his voice. The deep southern drawl made your panties wet.
“Thank you… Joel.”
”Enjoy the party,” watching him walk away was the hardest thing all night, aside from having to laugh at all your husband’s bad jokes all night. All night your mind was occupied by the sexy contractor.
~
It had been about a week since the party and the library reno was well underway. Joel and his team, including the other half of Miller Construction, his brother Tommy, were working tirelessly. In that last week your husband had been in and out of the house at weird times. On this particular day he left early in the morning without saying so much as a word to you. You used the day to mope around on your phone or read but what kept stealing your attention was the attractive contractor.
His team wasn’t around so the house was truly empty, the quiet was starting to drive you mad. As you wandered up the winding staircase, you found a sweatshirt draped over the railing. That damn husband, he leaves shit everywhere. Without thinking much of it, you threw the hoodie on as you found the library under construction.
The sweatshirt smells like sawdust and something distinctly man. That's different from what your husband normally smells like. The thought of him buying new cologne for some mistress almost made your blood boil, if you truly loved him anymore it would.
The library was really starting to come together, the plans on the table laid out the new shelves and built in table being put in and you dreamed of the days you would spend in there. The rest of your day was spent inside, no husband in sight so you did what you wanted, camped out on the couch with snacks galore and bad tv. Your husband eventually came home, after midnight, to find you passed out on the couch. You were roused by him, he woke you to send you off to bed. He used to carry you.
“Hey, get to bed, it's late… New hoodie?” Your eyebrows narrowed and you looked at him confused.
“What? It’s yours?”
”No it's not, I don't work at ‘Miller Construction’…” his tone felt like sandpaper against your skin. Also, have you been wearing Joel’s sweatshirt this whole time?
~
You wore it almost every day. Refusing to even wash it, it would get rid of the smell. The smell of him. It was like a drug, anytime your husband left you alone in that big house you wrapped yourself in Joel.
The rumble of the engine told you someone was at the house, but the deep southern drawl was what told you it was Joel. You felt giddy, like a girl with her first crush. You were already wearing the sweatshirt because you were expecting him today. He was leading his team of guys up to the library, telling them what to get started on. You made your way up there, under the guise of greeting Joel and asking if they need anything. In reality you wanted to see his reaction to you wearing his clothes.
“Morning Joel, you guys need anything?”
His eyes nearly popped out of his head. He noticed right away, scanning the hoodie and his gaze set your skin on fire. You felt your cheeks heat up as he stepped closer, the air was thick with tension and you immediately felt the mood change. His lips curved up in the corner slightly as he lowered his voice.
He looked handsome as always, the salt and pepper in his beard and hair was somehow very attractive to you. He was older for sure but you’d be lying if you said that wasn’t part of the attraction.
“Nice sweatshirt you got there…,” you could practically feel his heart beating just inches from you. “Miller.”
You had to strangle down a breath hearing his voice drop an octave like that, teasing you. This was real… Joel Miller, your contractor, was flirting with you. And you liked it, a lot. Not only the blatantly wrong flirting but the fact that your husband could come home at any time. It was making your skin flush with arousal and it felt like he could sense it somehow.
“I can wash it and get it back to you,” you wanted to gauge how into this he was. He did not disappoint.
“I wouldn’t dream of it.”
Jesus christ.
“Keep it sugar, looks better on ya anyway,” he left you there, finally with enough room to breathe without inhaling his intoxicating cologne. Holy shit, holy shit!
Your mind never strayed far from the older man, you seemed to fixate on the memory of him crowding you in your own home. The rest of the day went smoothly, you went about your business as the Miller Construction crew worked on your new library. You could hear the men working upstairs and every time you heard that one specific rumbling southern drawl your heart stopped for just a beat.
You were screwed.
~
Joel’s day could not have been longer, though he was the only one that noticed. The rest of the crew worked through the day, trying to get their tasks done sooner rather than later to be able to go home on time. Meanwhile, he was thinking about the pretty wife of the man who is paying him. He knew it was wrong but damn if it didn’t feel good. He saw the way your husband acted around you the last few weeks, he was engaged in every conversation except ones with you. Joel could even tell that the man was cheating, he clearly wasn’t trying to hide it. That’s really the only reason he was letting himself indulge with you, that and you seemed to be on the same page as him.
He knew he was in trouble, he had already memorized your features, your lips haunting him most of all. Every time you spoke he was entranced, unable to look away from your mouth. This was so wrong, he was working for you and your husband. He couldn’t help it, you were perfect, everything he could ever want. He dreamed about feeling you under him and that thought kept him half hard in his jeans all day.
By the time he was set to leave he felt like if he didn’t get himself taken care of he was going to explode. All he could think about was you in that damn hoodie, and how he would bend you over with it on. He knew it would smell like you now, it would smell like both of you. As he hopped into his truck he was so distracted that he didn’t see you coming down the driveway towards his car.
“Hey Joel…” Fuck. “I just wanted to get this back to you before I forget.” The gray fabric already smelled like you from where you held it by his car window. Why were you giving it back? He told you to keep it.
”Oh thanks darlin’,” it wasn’t lost on him how your eyes sparkled at this nickname. You were in the most delicious little shorts, showing just enough of the tops of your thighs as you walked back into the house. Fuck, he felt like such a dirty old man. You were so much younger and bright and kind. He felt like he could never deserve you.
He threw the hoodie on the passenger seat as he felt another surge of guilt and arousal settle into this stomach. Just as he was about to pull onto the street, he noticed something much darker than the hoodie sticking out of the pocket. He pulled it to reveal a pair of lacy black panties.
His heart nearly stopped. He would have never expected this, a sweet girl like you leaving her panties in her contractors sweatshirt. His jeans became even tighter than before as he pulled the panties up to his face.
He really was a dirty old man.
They had clearly been worn and it made his head spin, they smelled like heaven and you, he worried he might cum at the smell alone. He needed to get home.
As he raced home with your underwear gripped in his hand, he battled his thoughts. He knew it was wrong to mess around with a married woman but he felt different with you already. You were like the light at the end of his very lonely tunnel, no one ever looked at him the way you did. He practically tore his front door off the hinges as he rushed up to his bedroom. He felt like a teenager with an uncontrollable boner trying to find release.
The black lace was tight in his grip as he shucked his jeans off, the constricting fabric making his blood boil. He pulled himself free and the first touch to his hard length caused a gravely moan to slip from his lips. Tension and heat gathered in his stomach as he stroked himself. His fingers were rough as they circled his weeping tip but he needed to feel relief. He couldn’t even get himself into the shower, he just dropped onto the edge of his bed and never stopped moving his hand.
Those dark panties were teasing him, you were teasing him. You had to be, maybe you were making fun of his obvious crush. No, there was no way you would have grinned like you did if you didn’t feel the same way. It was an offering, a way for you to make a move without being apparent.
Holy shit. You wanted him.
That made his lower muscles spasm suddenly and his orgasm started to barrel down his spine. He pictured you in your small shorts earlier that day and he lost it. A deep groan escaped his throat as he spilled all over his knuckles. He pumped until he was oversensitive, his whole body reacting until he fell back into the bed.
All night his brain juggled wanting nothing but you and telling himself it was wrong. And it was wrong, at least on paper, of course he shouldn’t be messing with a client's wife. Even if she wanted him back.
~
Last time you saw Joel outside his car was almost a week ago. It was driving you crazy. You worried that he took it the wrong way or didn’t even see them. You couldn’t decide if you should be mortified, nervous, turned on or all the above. Then your phone went off.
Usually the texts between you and Joel were regarding what materials or paint you wanted. Now it was something totally different.
5:04PM >Joel: Sorry I have not been to check on the progress of the library personally. There was an emergency at another job.
>Joel: Also, thank you for my gift.
Only someone like Joel would thank you for sneaking him a pair of your panties.
5:09PM <You: im glad you liked them
<You: i was a little worried…
Your heart was thundering in your chest. Your husband was right across the couch, engrossed in his baseball game more than you, per usual. Was it wrong to like this so much, the fact that he had no idea you were texting another man right now, in front of him.
5:12PM >Joel: Why would you be worried? It's the best gift anyone’s ever given me.
>Joel: Any man should be so lucky.
Your pulse kicked up again somehow. He was making it all sound so meaningful. Maybe it was to him. Maybe he never took it the wrong way. Maybe he took it exactly the right way.
5:14PM <You: did you use them?
There was a pause for a few minutes.
5:20PM >Joel: Jesus…
>Joel: I’m at work, darlin.
5:22PM <You: so?
5:25PM >Joel: You got a mouth on you, huh?
5:26PM <You: and i know how to use it
5:28PM >Joel: We might just have to have you prove yourself then.
5:30PM <You: just tell me when
5:31PM >Joel: You are dangerous, angel.
>Joel: I have them in my pocket right now.
>Joel: I couldn’t help myself.
Jesus, this man was going to be the death of you. He was carrying your panties around in his pocket, while he was at work. Your thighs instantly squeezed together and it was at that moment you decided.
Fuck it, he made you feel good and your husband clearly didn’t care about your needs. You needed a divorce, and not just because of Joel. It was about you finally doing what’s good for you.
Suddenly an idea came to you, admititly a very bad idea but again, fuck it.
5:36PM <You: hey, do you have any plans tonight?
5:37PM >Joel: You know darlin, I don’t.
Thank god.
5:38PM <You: what’s your address?
5:38PM >Joel: 7 Oak Village Rd. I get home at 7.
5:38PM <You: see you then
You needed a plan. Your husband wouldn’t really care if you made last minute plans, you just needed a reason. Since he barely takes the time to pay attention to you, he definitely doesn’t know your friends very well.
“Hey, I know this is super random, but my friend Ashley”(totally a fake friend) “just got dumped, Isn’t that awful? She wants me to come over so she’s not alone. Would you care if I spent the night with her?”
It wasn’t really an odd thing, you spent the night with friends before. You should feel bad for lying so easily like this but the thrill of it all was keeping you going. You knew he wouldn’t object but he barely even looked at you. A quick glance back before he focused on the tv again as he waved you off.
”Yea, I don’t care… Johnny’s coming over anyway. Have fun.”
You shook your head and rolled your eyes, you knew you should be upset but you were too used to it at this point. You went upstairs to pack a bag and get ready. It had been a long time since a booty call and you forgot how giddy it made you feel. Knowing you were going to a man's house who actually wanted you there and actually wanted you.
Once you showered and finished packing, you went down to head out the garage. Apparently while you were upstairs Johnny and many more came over and had taken over the couch as they all debated over some play in the game. You tried to get your husband's attention, calling his name and waving at him. Anger boiled over in your gut. Just another reason not to feel guilty about tonight.
You loaded up into the car and pulled out of the massive driveway without a regret in your heart. This was the beginning of a new chapter and it felt right in so many ways. Your skin was buzzing with arousal, you had been thinking of Joel’s thick hands that would soon be on you, throughout your whole shower.
Before you left the neighborhood you sent Joel a quick text.
7:13PM <You: on my way
7:14PM >Joel: Can’t wait.
You felt the heat creep up into your cheeks and down your neck. Your nerves did start to wear on you though, all the usual stuff; Will he like me? Do I look nice? Did I miss a spot shaving my legs? You decided to wear a thin silk slip dress/nightgown under a baggy zip up hoodie. You figured it was a good way to look ‘sloppy’ enough that your husband wouldn’t care, if he even looked your way. You made the short drive over to Joel’s neighborhood and your nerves seemed to melt away as you got closer. It was odd, normally this kind of thing would send your pulse skyrocketing but the thought of seeing Joel made you calm, almost serene. He definitely made your head swim with giddy arousal though.
You found the beautiful house marked ‘No. 7’ and knocked on the perfectly painted door. Of course his house was gorgeous, he was a contractor. Only moments went by until the door was pulled open by that very sexy looking contractor. His brown curls were slightly messy on his head and he wore some kind of faded shirt and loose sweatpants that hung way too low. You couldn’t look away.
“Hi darlin’,” he rubbed his neck and his cheeks went red. He was nervous.
“Hi,” you couldn’t help the smile spreading on your face.
“Come in, here let me.” He gently took your bag from your shoulder and guided you to the couch where he had a bottle of wine and two glasses on the coffee table. The inside of his home was just as beautiful as the outside; the couch was large and comfortable, there was quiet music playing in the corner from an old school record player and books and plants littering the shelves. He came back and poured you both a glass and clinked the two together before you each took a long drink. He finally sat down and you turned so your feet were up against his leg, quickly feeling comfortable with him.
“I wasn’t sure if you would be ok… with me coming over.”
“Why?” God his southern accent was like honey.
“I don’t know, maybe it was…I was too forward.” You were sure why you felt the need to bring this up, maybe clear the air somehow. “I’m divorcing him, I can't do it anymore.” Saying it out loud made your heart lurch.
“I get it sweetheart, it ain’t fair that he treats ya’ that way.” You were leaning into each other at this point, unable to stop the magnetic pull between you. His arm was draped over the back of the couch, his hand near your shoulder. He started to entwine his finger in your hair, his big brown eyes danced over your face and it made you almost want to shy away from his gaze.
“You don’t think I'm a terrible person?” You looked into his eyes finally, wanting to know how he felt about you, how he felt about this.
His fingers left your hair as his thumb brushed over your lips. “Y’not a terrible anythin’ darlin’,” then he moved.
He was on you before you could take another breath. He slotted his lips over yours, his tongue sliding between them. He devoured you, stole the breath from your lungs. It was all consuming the way he kissed you, it felt like he was starved and you were all he wanted to consume. He sat back and pulled you with him, your legs wrapping around his hips leaving your core right in his lap. His hand cupped both cheeks as you pressed yourself fully to him, your hips grinding down into his. Your baggy sweatshirt was obstructing your skin from touching his, you needed more and the fabric was too warm.
You leaned back and you finally got a good look at his face as you pulled the zipper down. His lips were swollen and red and his eyes were almost all pupils. After ripping the bulky fabric off he finally moved his hands to the rest of you. He traced your arms down to where your hands laid on your thighs, he then lightly ran his fingers up your back over the thin fabric of your nightgown.
“You are so… fuck, you’re so gorgeous.” He sounded like he couldn’t catch his breath and yours caught in your throat. He pulled you into him again but it still wasn’t enough skin. As his soft lips worked over your pulse and his rough beard scratched at your neck you knew you needed more of him. You groaned as you pulled away again and tried to pull his shirt off yourself but he was just large enough to make it difficult. He smirked at you as he leaned forward to remove the shirt and your skin finally made contact with his.
You both groaned as you came together once again, finally able to feel his warm solid chest against yours. He explored your body again as your mouths did the same, he kissed down your neck, over your shoulders and between your breasts. The thin straps holding up the nightgown were quickly pulled down, revealing your chest to him. He lavished you and you felt the vibration of his groans as he licked the crevice between your breasts before closing his mouth around a peak and sucking. Your whole body arched into his, your fingers carding through his hair which made him groan deeper.
“Fuck— Joel,” your skin was on fire and you were lightheaded. You knew somewhere deep down you should feel bad or guilty but it was the furthest thing from your mind. He made you feel like you were floating, your soul somehow detached from your body.
He pulled back from you, just enough to catch his breath and look into your eyes. His hands however never stopped roaming your skin. His pupils were blown wide, almost none of the deep brown in his eyes were left now. He dipped his head and dove back into your skin, his lips attaching to your neck and it made you groan and your core clench.
He groaned into you and you felt it rumble through his chest. You felt like you were losing grip on reality, you couldn’t tell someone your own name if they asked. It was all worth it because you were lost in the pleasure of feeling him under you, but you needed more of him.
You dropped to the floor, the carpet soft under your knees. You tried to pull Joel’s pants down his hips, almost frantically as if you didn’t see all of him now you would die.
“Hol’on darlin’,” he kind of giggled as he slipped the fabric off his hips and he fell back onto the couch and looked down at you with his mouth hanging open in awe. You met his gaze before looking down at his hard length.
Fuck, he was big.
You lowered your mouth to him, teasing your lips over his silky skin. His breath caught in his chest. You ran your tongue up and his hand came up to hold the back of your head, not to force but support. Eventually his fingers grabbed into your hair when you wrapped your lips around him and pulled him in. You felt his rough moan reverberate into your body every time you dropped your head. It was difficult to take him all at once but you had to feel him, everywhere.
“Fuck, oh my—gooood…” he dropped his head back onto the couch but you knew he was watching you, his eyes never left you. You felt your arousal spread between your thighs knowing you were driving him mad. Before you even got a chance to really do much Joel pulled you up on your feet. He stayed seated and looked up at you through his lashes and your heart stopped for a second seeing him below you like this made your stomach dip and your panties wet.
His eyes were blazing a path over your body, nightgown bunched around your waist with your entire chest exposed. You should be cold but you felt like you were on fire. He ran his palms up the backside of your legs until he reached the lacy fabric of your underwear. His eyes never left yours as he slowly pulled the fabric off your hips and over your ass, his hands touching skin the whole way down and helped you step out of it. That swooping feeling settled into your stomach again as he slid his fingers back up the inside of your leg until he reached your hot center, eyes never leaving yours. You both moaned as he dipped into the slick that coated your skin.
“Mhmmm, this all f’me?” He looked at you with a mix of arrogance and pure desire as he moved his fingers in a slow circular motion. It was made easy by just how wet you were, you didn’t know if you had ever been this wet before. That’s the effect he had on you, or maybe this is just a primal kind of desire that you never had with your soon-to-be ex-husband.
Either way you were spiraling fast. You knew once you two came together you wouldn’t last long. You needed to feel him, it was driving you mad.
Joel seemed to be taking it slow, which you can admire as this is very new and he probably wanted to make sure you’re comfortable. While you admired him taking the time to make you comfortable you couldn’t wait anymore. As he kissed your chest and his fingers kept moving in agonizing circles across your sensitive bundle while you straddled his lap. His hard length rubbed against your center and both of your bodies shook with desire.
He groaned as he wasn’t expecting you to be on him so fast. His hands ran along every inch, taking you into him and never wanting to let go. You rocked your hips and slowly dragged your core across his length causing you both to stutter and moan. You were sick of waiting for the thing you had been thinking about non stop for weeks.
“Will you… make me feel good?” Your voice was squeaky and horse from all the moans and his eyes fluttered at your request.
“Oh darlin’… that bastard ain’t taking care of you huh? When’s the last time you were properly touched?”
You turned your eyes away from him, slightly embarrassed that he was able to tell that so easily. “Uhm… a while.” He gave you a pointed look, clearly not liking your non-answer. “A… a year,” his eyes widened at your admission. “Over a year…” You cringed at your final answer. You weren’t proud of the fact that it had been so long but you haven't been attracted to your husband in a long time.
”Oh… you poor thing,” he bracketed your cheeks with his large hands. “Don’t worry darlin’.”
Joel was losing composure quickly, he was ready to give you everything you deserved. His nimble fingers reached between your bodies and slid along your center, drawing a wanton moan from your chest. You ground your hips into his hand trying to create the friction he wasn’t giving you. He slowly spread your lips and ran his fingers gingerly over your clit causing your body to shake in his grasp.
“Hmm… y’all wet f’me?” His southern drawl was making his lust-drunk words slur together deliciously. The scruff of his mustache scratched at your neck but his lips and tongue soothed over the sensitive skin.
“Mmhmm… Joel— oh god please,” you sounded just as lost. Your voice cracked and your hips never stopped moving over his hand, desperate for attention.
“Don’t worry darlin’, I gotcha,” he quickly flipped you and your back hit the plush couch. A soft ‘oomf’ escaped your lips and Joel was mesmerized as you lay beneath him. “Oh look at’cha, you’re so pretty baby.”
His words were like hot honey, warm and sweet. You shifted under him and wrapped your fingers around his hard shaft and the groan that reverberated through his chest made your breath catch in your throat. You kept stroking him as his fingers found your wet center again, spreading your release over your puffy folds. As you wrapped your legs around his hips, you guided his crown to your core and felt the sweet stretch of him entering you slowly.
He paused for a few moments and looked like he was trying to center himself again before pushing his hips fully into yours and held himself there. A deep rumbling groan broke through his lips as he began to move, the stretch was making you nervous at first but you felt more and more comfortable as he kept moving. When he started to rub your neglected clit, a bolt of pleasure shot down your spine causing your back to arch and nails to dig into his arms.
“Such a good girl, baby… ngh— you-you feel so good,” his syrupy words made your head feel fuzzy and limbs heavy. His hips started to snap into yours at a harsher pace and his fingers spent up between you in tandem. Your orgasm was quickly approaching with his movements, faster than you expected. Was this the norm for people with healthy relationships and sex lives, real attraction? You couldn’t even finish the thought before Joel sped up his fingers and started to hammer into you. He was surrounding you, hovering over with those dark eyes and large shoulders. The smell of him alone was about to send you over the edge, he smelled like soap and a little like sawdust, all over man. His voice broke you out of your hazy state.
“You’re gonna— cum for me darlin’, I—I can’t hold on…much longer baby.” His voice was rough and demanding and almost like your body listened, you fell over the edge. The lewd moans and shouts of Joel’s name coming out of our mouth surprised you both. At feeling you cum around him, Joel lost all of his remaining control. He stilled inside you and you felt his muscles contract in his release.
“Oh fu—fuck! oh my… god,” he slumped against you and you welcomed his weight. You both settled into the couch as you rubbed your arms up and down his back. “I’m— I’m sorry darlin’, it's been a while. Normally I'd have… taken my time.”
He sounded almost nervous, it made you smile.
“Joel, stop. You have nothing to apologize for.”
”I’ll redeem myself next time.”
Next time? He wants there to be a next time!
You smiled to yourself and hummed at the content feeling of being under him while he still filled you.
You drifted to a place of half consciousness and woke up in, what you were pretty sure was the morning to the smell of bacon. You turned over in a bed, Joel's bed, to find it empty. You looked around the room and found it to be just like Joel, cozy and masculine. You located a shirt of his and threw it on before heading down the stairs to find a very sexy shirtless Joel standing in his kitchen, flipping pancakes.
“Mornin’ sleepy head,” his voice was thick with sleep and you walked up to him at the stove. With one large arm he pulled you into his side and kissed the top of your head. A slow smile spread on your lips at the familiarity of it all, the warmness of having someone to take care of you like this, emotionally. Something you almost never had with your husband, soon to be ex.
“Joel… thank you, for this.”
“What’cha mean darlin?”
“Taking care of me. Letting me come over last night.”
“Hey, look at me,” he tilted your chin up to meet his eyes. “Anytime you need me, I’m here.”
You tried to blink away the tears gathering on your lashes but one managed to slip, Joel’s thumb catching it before it reached your cheek. Time felt like it stopped as you leaned in to each other, lips pressing together as you moaned at the feeling.
The day was spent lazing in bed and talking about all the things you two would do when your divorce was finalized. The idea of divorce was the scariest thing in the world when you first thought about it, but now, knowing Joel would be with you every step of the way… you couldn’t wait.
#joel miller smut#joel miller x reader#joel miller#joel tlou#tlou fanfiction#tlou#pedro pascal#fanfic#lady djarin
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✗ blood in the clouds ✗ | KIM HONGJOONG
pairings ✃ mafia leader! hongjoong x flight attendant! fem! reader
genre ✃ mafia au, non-idol au, SLOW BURNN
synopsis ✃
it’s finally your last day as a flight attendant. you wanted nothing more than to laze on your couch and watch netflix - just to find out that one of your passengers blew out the brains of your pilot with a gun.
in which hongjoong hijacks a plane that his rival’s daughter is on.
w.c ✃ 10.5k (yes im a yapper im sorry)
c.w ✃ dark themes, vivid descriptions of gore, guns and knives, kiss scene but no smut, use of the nickname ‘brat’, ‘pretty’ and ONE TIME - ‘princess’, your dad’s a dick oops, vulgar language, reader is smart
not proofread!
masterlist
white clouds drifted by the airplane window as the sky turned from a soft blue to a deep orange.
it would’ve been a pretty sight if it weren’t for the gun to your head.
you’d called in sick or put in your two weeks notice earlier if this was how your last day of being a flight attendant would end - but apparently, life hates you too much to let you catch a break.
HOUR 1 OF 7 - TAKEOFF
‘god- i can’t take this anymore,’ you thought to yourself. you hated waiting, despised it actually.
after today, no more jet lag, rushed goodbyes or missing celebrations. you can finally unpack that suitcase for good, find someplace quiet and actually live in it. the thought alone was enough to keep you excited, but something bothered you at the back of your mind.
this trip didn’t feel right.
it wasn’t the plane itself, but your passengers? only 2 showed up in a plane that could seat at least 50 people.
not that you were complaining. fewer passengers meant less work - which was a good thing.
but the uneasiness you felt kept rising in your chest, no matter the times you tried to push it down.
‘just 6 more hours,’ you thought. ‘then this will all be behind me.’
HOUR 2 OF 7 - MEALTIME
meal service started like any other: boring.
after handing out the trays, you pushed the trolley back to its place and returned with beverages. you plastered on your most professional smile as you walked over to your passengers. “would you like a drink?”
the man with sunglasses turned to you lazily, his eyes shifting from the trolley to your face. “what do you have?”
you sighed, quietly but deeply. you had that stupid list engraved into your mind by now. “water, coffee, tea, coke, spri-”
“-do you have alcohol?” he cut you off.
your eye twitched. this dickhead.
first of all, he interrupted you. and secondly, you didn’t mention the alcohol on purpose. it was stored at the back of the plane and you did not have the energy to drag it out.
“uh hongjoong- i mean, boss-“ the guy next to him whispered hurriedly. “i don’t think that’s a good idea-“
“-i think it is,” hongjoong interrupted before turning back to you. “where’s the menu?”
you gave him a forced smile as you pushed the alcohol menu towards him. he took his time with it, flipping through the pages slowly before finally saying, “two shots of whiskey.”
“sure thing,” you snatched the menu back. with a swift turn, you fetched the whiskey and the glasses, returning back to his seat.
you poured and placed the two shots on his tray table. he took the glass and drank it in one go, setting it back down with a thud.
hongjoong then turned his head towards you, eyebrows raised. “what?”
you blinked. ‘what’? just ‘what’? where's the ‘thank you’?
you were losing your mind.
“nothing,” you muttered through clenched teeth, moving away before he could ask for anything else.
grade A asshole.
HOUR 4.5 OF 7 - POINT OF NO RETURN
the shitty in-flight wifi was a joke as always. why did you even try?
with an annoyed sigh, you shoved your phone into your back pocket when suddenly-
static.
its piercing sound followed by faint garbled voices on the intercom startled you. you frowned as the sound continued, getting louder and more distorted.
with a groan, you stood up, straightening your uniform. ‘what are they doing?’ you thought as you walked towards the cockpit.
but when you passed by the first-class cabin, you paused. the seats were empty. both passengers were gone. ‘weird…’
things only got weirder as you approached the unlocked cockpit door.
concerned, you pushed it open.
the smell hit you first - a metallic tang that twisted your stomach.
then your eyes caught up.
blood splattered the walls and windows in chaotic streaks, dripping down to the controls and the carpeted floor. the pilot and co-pilot laid in a gruesome pile to the side, the jagged holes in their skulls grotesque.
a guy sat at the controls, steering the plane as though he wasn’t surrounded by horrors.
grade A asshole- no, hongjoong, sat cross-legged on the floor, his sunglasses shattered at his feet. a gun rested in his hand and his lips curled into a smirk as he watched you enter.
“you’ve got to be kidding me..” you breathed out.
pieces of brain and organ matter clung to the control panel as a simple blinking green light above that indicated that everything was, somehow, still functioning.
hongjoong tilted his head, amused. the gun shifted to point at what you now noticed was the crumpled bodies of your pilots, their faces mangled in unrecognisable masses of flesh and bone.
“these your friends?”
you shook your head as you stepped back, wiping your sweaty hands on your uniform. hongjoong seemed to enjoy your reaction, his grin widening into something sickening.
he smirked. “don’t worry, i won’t spoil that pretty face of yours.”
you coughed at the wretched smell as the crimson-stained carpet squelched beneath your heels, your mind begging you to leave.
“well-” you said, turning to the door. “i’m sure you don’t need me here, i’ll just-”
an audible click cut you off.
you froze.
slowly, you turned back to see a gun aimed directly at you.
“leaving so soon?” he raised an eyebrow. “let’s talk.”
HOUR 5 OF 7 - SKYDIVING DOESN’T SEEM TOO BAD
hongjoong dragged you to the first-class section to ‘talk’. it was the first time you’ve ever sat there and to be completely honest, this was not how you imagined yourself ‘enjoying’ it.
well, not like it mattered. you had other issues - like handcuffs locking you to the chair.
he stood infront of you, one hand gripping the gun while the other held a file. “‘____’, am i right?” he asked.
you nodded slowly. “..that’s me.”
“3.6 GPA in university..” he muttered. “flunked out of med school during your first year..”
..how the hell did he get that information?
“you ended up as a flight attendant because your father owns the airline.”
“..yeah,” you reluctantly admitted, your stomach churning. “uh- was the med school part necessary?”
hongjoong ignored you, flipping to the next page. you watched his eyebrows shoot up as his eyes narrowed. “how close are you with your father?”
you blinked, confused by the weird question. “i mean- he’s my dad,” you replied. “but i haven’t seen him in years.”
“hm,” the sound came from him. hongjoong studied you for a moment longer before he spoke again, but this time, his voice was cold.
“do you know what he’s been doing during those years?”
your brows furrowed. “no, i-”
“killing. my. men.”
you didn’t even have time to process his words because he leaned forward when he said them, the gun uncomfortably close to your face.
you swallowed the lump in your throat. “...are you sure you have the right person?”
his smirk widened into something eerie. “i have a gun pointed to you, don’t i?”
your pulse quickened. you couldn’t decide which was worse: the possibility that he was telling the truth or the fact that he was clearly enjoying your reaction.
“i always wanted to get back at that pig..” he held the gun up to the bottom of your chin, forcing you to meet his eyes. “and look at how kind the world is- blessing me with his daughter.”
you struggled to breathe, to think. the handcuffs dug into your wrist as you unconsciously tried to break out of them, a clink against the metal arm of the chair.
your voice trembled. “..what do you want from me?”
hongjoong didn’t answer immediately. instead, he leaned in even closer, so close that you could feel your foreheads touching.
“what i want,” he said slowly, eyes locked onto yours. “is for your dad to suffer.”
HOUR 6 OF 7 - SURPRISINGLY ALIVE
the stuffiness of the plane did little to calm your nerves. you sat quietly in the seat, staring at the shattered remains of your phone on the floor.
hongjoong snatched it from your hands a few minutes ago, grumbling about how ‘you don’t need devices’. great. just great.
the sound of the cockpit door creaking open drew your attention. the other guy - or ‘pilot’, stepped out, adjusting the cuffs of his sleeves. “boss.”
hongjoong raised an eyebrow. “what?”
the ‘pilot’ moved closer to hongjoong, lowering his voice. “air traffic control was notified of our path,” he said quietly. “they know something’s off with the plane, but i have no idea how.”
hongjoong’s eyes darkened as he processed the information. then, he glared at you, like he was accusing you.
you scoffed. “you shot my phone, how would i even contact anyone?”
for a moment, the two of you locked eyes and you swear that you could see him debating whether to believe you.
the ‘pilot’ cleared his throat. “what should we expect?” he asked nervously.
hongjoong leaned back in his seat, running a hand through his hair. “the police.”
HOUR 7 OF 7 - SHIT IS GETTING REAL
“what the hell…” you whispered to yourself as you peered out of the window.
SWAT teams and federal agents stood in rows, their weapons pointed directly at the plane. flashing lights of red and blue lit up the empty airport.
you turned away from the window, watching hongjoong pull out a burner phone from his jacket. his fingers typed something out before he suddenly snapped the phone in half, tossing the remains on the floor.
“…who are you?” you asked quietly.
he raised an eyebrow. “you don’t need to know, pretty.”
your survival instincts told you to move, to do something. but the second you tried to stand, hongjoong shoved you back down.
“stay seated until we land,” he said before tilting his head. “isn’t that your job?”
you rolled your eyes, gripping the armrests as you tried to calm yourself down and steady your breathing.
but that was when you heard it - gunshots.
“they’re shooting us?” you panicked, flinching with each sound.
no answer.
“hey-“ you tried again, but was cut off by the tires hitting the terrain.
the landing was rough - harsher than anything you’ve experienced as a flight attendant. the plane rattled like never before.
your chest tightened when it rolled over something particularly large. “what was that?” your voice cracked.
no answer.
when the plane finally came to a halt, you barely had time to catch your breath when hongjoong moved. in a blink, he uncuffed you from the chair, only to secure the handcuffs on your wrists once more.
he brought you to your feet, pulling you so close that you could feel his breath against your ear. “don’t do anything stupid,” he hissed.
the cockpit door opened and the ‘pilot’ appeared. he quickly unlocked the emergency exit and you saw the makeshift ramp that had been attached to the side of the plane.
a van rested just outside of it, hongjoong dragging you towards the vehicle. you descended the ramp, the cool air hitting your face as you looked around.
but that was when you saw it.
blood.
on the wheels of the plane, the dark colour leaving a fresh trail on the ground.
“did you..” you gulped, your voice barely above a whisper. “did you run over them?”
hongjoong glanced at you. “i didn’t,” he shrugged. “the plane did.”
you stopped in your tracks, your feet stuck rooted to the ground as you stared at him in horror. how could he say that like it was no big deal? just who was this man?
“move,” hongjoong ordered. but when you didn’t, he clicked his tongue, rolling his eyes. “god- you’re such a brat.”
before you knew it, you were shoved into the back of the van. the ‘pilot’ closed the door with a loud slam and sat in the driver’s seat while hongjoong took the passenger’s seat up front.
you met hongjoong’s eyes through the rearview mirror. his glare was sharp, acting as a warning to keep your mouth shut. you didn’t need to be told twice.
the van drove forward and you caught glimpses of city lights in the distance, slowly growing closer. civilisation - maybe you could get help.
but against your mind’s wishes, you felt your eyelids getting heavy - and you did something that no one should ever do when they’re in a car with armed strangers.
you fell asleep.
HOUR 14 OF 7 - HIP HIP HOORAY YOU’RE NOT DEAD
you heard a voice whine. “why can’t we kill her?”
“do you want boss to kill us?” you heard another reply.
your eyes fluttered open. your head felt heavy as the room came into focus, your stomach twisting.
the space was dingy, poorly lit by a bulb hanging from the ceiling and an unnecessarily tall lamp on the ground. the walls were stained and the air stunk of blood.
you tried to move, only to feel tight ropes against your wrists and ankles. you were tied to a chair.
“i can’t believe we have to babysit the pig’s daughter,” a man with a knife groaned.
“calm down, wooyoung,” the other one sighed.
“calm down?!” wooyoung exclaimed. “yeosang got to fly a plane! how is that fair?”
“he has a license,” the second man rolled his eyes.
“it’s still a plane, jongho-”
“shut up,” jongho interrupted. “the girl’s awake.”
both men turned their heads to look at you, the sudden attention sending a shiver down your spine. wooyoung’s grin stretched across his face as he got to his feet, jongho following behind.
“aw look who’s finally awake,” wooyoung approached, his voice childish. “you slept like a baby- and we didn’t even drug you!”
your heartbeat quickened as he leaned in close, his grin widening as he studied your face.
“i read your file,” he began. “you’re smart…” wooyoung paused, his eyes inspecting you and your ridiculous uniform. “and hot.”
your throat tightened, but you forced yourself to respond. “thank you-?”
“-what’s your favourite feature about yourself?” he asked, twirling the knife in his hands.
“uh-” your mind scrambled for an answer as he got nearer, the knife glinting. “i- my eyes?”
“your eyes,” wooyoung repeated, the grin stuck to his face. “good choice.”
he brought the knife closer, the cold steel trailing down the side of your face. you flinched as the blade hovered near your eye, your breath hitching.
“you’re going to answer all our questions,” he stated, almost in a sing-songy way. “and if you dont-”
he tilted the knife, now directly above your eyeball. “-i’ll dig those lovely pearls out of your sockets.”
your chest tightened, terror paralyzing you from head to toe. you couldn’t even breathe, every cell in your body pleading you to stay still.
“hey-” jongho tapped wooyoung on the shoulder, whispering. “uh.. boss said we can’t scratch her..”
“are you serious?” wooyoung scoffed. “then what’s the point?”
jongho bit the inside of his cheek, avoiding eye contact with his friend.
wooyoung groaned, throwing the knife to the ground with a strength that made it bend. “fuck this- torture isn’t even fun anymore.”
he stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
silence was in the air until jongho cleared his throat awkwardly. he turned to face you. “uh..” he hesitated, rubbing the back of his neck.
“change of plans.”
HOUR 15 OF 7 - DAY DRINKING IS FUN
you never imagined yourself in a hideout, drinking vodka with one of your captors - yet here you were.
the whole thing felt absurd: a shaky barstool beneath you and a scuffed counter separating you and jongho. he poured you a shot he claimed was ‘very expensive’, before proceeding to chug most of the vodka from the bottle in a long gulp.
your legs were untied now, though your wrists were still bound, the rope loose enough for your hands to rest infront of you. “what are we waiting for?” you asked. “hongjoong?”
jongho froze, his eyes snapping to yours. “don’t say his name,” he whisper-shouted.
you raised your tied wrists in apology. “okay.. what should i call him?”
“call him boss.. or mr kim.. or anything that isn’t his first name,” jongho said, his words rushed.
you nodded slowly, looking at the man infront of you with mild concern. he looked even more scared than you did.
then suddenly, the door slammed open.
both you and jongho flinched, watching two figures stumble in.
the first was a tall man - storming into the room. the second was him, hongjoong, clutching his side in pain.
“mingi- boss!” jongho panicked instantly as he ran to help the injured man. “holy- you’re hurt!”
“the pig called for backup,” mingi sighed heavily.
you blinked, stunned as the sound of hongjoong coughing violently brought your attention back to the injured man.
blood seeped through his fingers, staining his sleeves and skin. you don’t know what took over you, but you pushed yourself off of the barstool and rushed towards him.
“what do you think you’re doing?” mingi stepped infront of hongjooong, his hand resting on his gun protectively.
you glared at him. “do you want your boss to bleed out?”
mingi studied you. after what felt like ages, he exhaled sharply and stepped aside. “fine,” he muttered, keeping a hand on his weapon.
you knelt next to hongjoong, trying to make him face you as you grabbed his arm. though, he snatched himself away from you quickly.
you rolled your eyes. “i’m trying to help you. let me see it.”
hongjoong’s eyes pierced your soul. you could see the cogs in his head turning on whether he could trust you.
a few moments passed before he finally faced you with a sigh, revealing a large gash on the side of his stomach - a wound created by knife.
“i need water.”
jongho blinked, clearly thrown off. “what?”
“to clean his wound..?” you explained. “get me water. now.”
jongho hesitated before snatching a bottle of water from a mini fridge. he pushed it to you, the little amount of liquid sloshing inside. “you should stay still for this,” you said before slowly pouring the water over the wound.
crap- a gash this big needed a stitch.
“untie me,” you said, holding your wrists up to your captors.
jongho glanced at his boss worriedly for permission. hongjoong gave a small nod and jongho quickly pulled out a small knife to cut the rope.
once free, you quickly looked around for something to stitch his wound with. when nothing looked remotely useful, your eyes dropped to your uniform - a skirt with a yarn trim. it wasn’t ideal, but it would have to do.
you began to unravel the yarn from the hem.
“what are you doing?” mingi asked, frowning.
“stitching him,” you sighed as your fingers worked hurriedly. “or do you want him to get an infection?”
hongjoong let out a groan, shifting uncomfortably. “just hurry.”
you finished unravelling it, but now you needed a needle. your hand instinctively reached up to your hair - pulling out a small bobby pin. it was definitely not as sharp as a needle, but you’re sure that hongjoong can handle his pain.
“shit- i need to sterilise this,” you muttered, mostly to yourself.
“vodka,” jongho said instantly, grabbing the bottle and handing it to you.
you poured the small amount over the pin, letting it drip onto the floor. then, threading the yarn through the makeshift needle, you glanced at hongjoong.
“this will hurt,” you warned.
he looked at you with clenched teeth. “i don’t care.”
you placed a hand on his side to steady him, feeling the tension in his muscles as he tried to not flinch. carefully, you began to stitch the gash, each pull making him wince.
when the stitching was complete, you tied the yarn and tore it off with your teeth - but the wound was still bleeding slightly.
you glanced down at your sleeves. without hesitation, you tore a strip of fabric free. you used it to dab away the excess blood, then folded the remaining fabric to wrap it around his side.
“that should work. for now,” you sat back as you wiped your forehead with your arm.
“...you know how to treat people?” hongjoong asked, wincing slightly.
you nodded slowly. “yeah.. i know the basics.”
“hm,” he tilted his head. “you’re more useful than i thought.”
you blinked. was a good thing or a bad thing?
“wooyoung,” he yelled out.
a loud crash was heard in another room, followed by the muffled sounds of frantic movements. within seconds, wooyoung appeared in the doorway.
“yes, boss?” wooyoung said out of breath, brushing off his shirt as he looked around the room.
hongjoong didn’t respond immediately. instead, he looked you up and down, his lips twitching into what seemed like a smirk. “get her some actual clothes. we have an event to catch.”
HOUR 17 OF 7 - WORDS TALK BUT GUNS TALK LOUDER
“woah..” your eyes took in the building before you. glittering lights and an impressive exterior that was way more extravagant than anything you imagined hongjoong to be involved in.
he parked the car, the engine coming to a stop. before you could say anything, hongjoong stepped out of the car, closing the door shut. you scrambled to follow him, your heels clicking against the pavement as you caught up.
the two of you approached the man stationed at the door - a bouncer with a pen and clipboard.
without warning, hongjoong’s hand snaked around your waist, pulling you snugly against his side. you flinched at the sudden contact, but with how tight his grip was, there was no room for protests.
“ah, mr kim,” the bouncer greeted. “you made it.”
hongjoong offered a brief, fake smile before dropping it immediately. “let us in.”
“hold on now,” the bouncer said, flipping through the papers on the clipboard. “we can’t let her inside.”
hongjoong’s brows furrowed. “why?”
“new policy,” the man sighed, pretending to sound disappointed. “no more plus-ones.”
hongjoong rolled his eyes, not bothering to respond. instead, he reached into his blazer, about to pull out a-
“nevermind!” the bouncer’s face turned pale. he stepped aside with a nervous laugh. “you’re all set- enjoy the night.”
the interior was breathtaking - chandeliers hung from high ceilings and round tables were scattered across the venue, draped in pristine white table cloths.
“don’t eat or drink anything here.”
you blinked, nodding slowly at hongjoong’s words. “okay.. but why-”
“-and if you really want to stay alive,” he interrupted, his lips brushing your ear. “don't leave my sight.”
his voice sent a chill down your spine. “okay,” you mumbled as he brought you further into the room.
he led you to a seating area - though it looked more like a conversation pit, where an old man sat waiting.
hongjoong released his grip on you to sit across the man, gesturing for you to follow. you hesitated briefly before settling next to him.
“mr kim,” the old man greeted gruffly. his eyes shifted to you, studying your face. “i see you brought someone.”
hongjoong gave a nod, glancing at you. “introduce yourself, brat.”
“oh uh-” you put out your hand reluctantly, forcing a polite smile. “i’m ‘____’.”
the old man’s eyes narrowed before they widened in realisation. “her father-“
“-i’m glad you noticed,” hongjoong cut in. he slowly reached into his blazer again, but this time, he actually pulled out his pistol.
your eyes widened as he aimed it to your waist, the cold metal brushing your side. “wha-“
“w-what are you doing?” the old man’s face drained of colour, panic flashing in his eyes.
hongjoong tilted his head. “let’s negotiate.”
“mr kim-“ the old man began, his voice cracking. “as his friend, you do understand that i have to tell him she’s here.”
“do it,” hongjoong shrugged, leaning back. his arm returned to your waist, pulling you to him as he tapped the gun against your side.
“let’s see if he values his money more than his own daughter.”
HOUR 18 OF 7 - LIFE ISN’T FAIR
a loud crash echoed through the venue, making you jump. the sound of heavy footsteps grew violent with every second.
hongjoong’s hand tightened around your waist as he stood, dragging you up with him. “move.”
“wait-!” the old man called after you, but hongjoong didn’t stop.
his grip on you was firm, the barrel of his gun pressing against your stomach. you tripped over your feet, struggling to keep up his pace.
“where are you taking me?” you panicked as you glanced over your shoulder at the armed men closing in.
“to your father, princess,” he sneered, his voice mockingly sweet.
“mr kim! stop right there!”
you froze, whipping your head around. standing at the far end of the room, infront of a small army of armed men, was your father.
“let go of my daughter,” your father ordered. he pointed a gun directly at hongjoong, his men following suit.
your eyes glanced around the room - seeing guests cowering against the walls, some injured and others dead.
“i’m not giving up the brat until i get what i want,” hongjoong demanded.
“what you want is an impossible amount of money!” your father yelled, his grip on his gun tightening.
“impossible?” hongjoong’s eyes widened with craze. “you have more than $500 million tied to your name! did you think i’ll forget who you killed to get here?”
your blood ran cold. “dad.. you killed people?” you asked, your voice trembling as you looked at him.
for a split second, your father’s eyes softened, though that quickly disappeared with a scoff.
“if i didn’t, you wouldn’t have a roof over your head,” your father spat. “you were too stubborn to do anything after you dropped med school.”
the world seemed to tilt, your father’s words more piercing than any bullet. “but i didn’t-”
“-you did,” your father interrupted you. “i spent all that money bribing them just for you to fuck up.”
your heart sank as tears welled in your eyes. hongjoong noticed your reaction, his grip on the gun loosening slightly.
“i’d appreciate it if you didn’t make my hostage cry,” he said. “do you really want those to be your last words to her?”
“shut up,” your father snarled, his finger close to the trigger. “i’ll say what i want. she’s too stupid to argue back anyway.”
the tears you held back spilled over and all you could hear was your dad shouting, “get her!”
HOUR 18.5 OF 7 - THEY WANT YOU SOO BAD
gunshots were heard in every direction, completely deafening.
the pungent smell of gunpowder burned your nose as you stumbled, your legs barely holding you up. hongjoong shoved you to the ground, his hand against your back.
“stay down,” he ordered you, raising his gun and firing without hesitation.
you flinched with every shot, watching in horror as armed men fell one by one with his aim. the world felt like it was spinning too fast and you could barely keep up.
suddenly, a hand grabbed your arm.
“stop moving!” your father yelled, his grip painful as he dragged you towards the exit.
“no!” you choked out, your heels digging into the floor in an attempt to resist. panic ran through your veins as your eyes darted around desperately.
your eyes landed on a fallen gun near your feet. you quickly snatched it, hands trembling as you tried to point it towards him.
“don’t make me do this!” you cried.
your father didn’t stop and without thinking-
-you pulled the trigger.
a bang was heard, followed by his rough scream as he collapsed to the floor, clutching his bleeding thigh.
“oh my god,” you whispered, the gun slipping from your hands as tears flowed uncontrollably down your cheeks. you sank to the floor, staring at the blood pouring out of him.
“you bitch!” he shouted in pain.
out of the corner of your eye, you caught hongjoong watching you, something strange flashing across his face. was that.. surprise? pride? maybe he was impressed?
hongjoong fired a shot at an armed man without looking, moving to you quickly.
“didn’t think you had it in you, pretty,” he looked over his shoulder. “but we need to leave.”
he led you to a small janitor’s closet near the exit. the narrow space smelled of bleach, but at least it was quiet.
hongjoong shut the door behind you and dusted off his blazer. without a word, his dark eyes inspected you, checking your shoulders and arms.
you stood motionless, too shocked to stop him as he gently tilted your chin up, his thumb wiping away the mascara-stained tears from your cheeks.
“nothing broken,” he muttered, more to himself than to you. “no scars either..”
he pulled out a burner phone, typing something quickly.
“i- i just shot my dad,” your shoulders shook as new tears welled up in your eyes.
hongjoong glanced up from the phone, meeting your eyes. “..are you bragging?” he asked bluntly.
“what? he’s my dad-”
“-and he’s a dick,” hongjoong cut you off. “you might share blood, but that man clearly hates you.”
you hiccuped, wiping your eyes with the back of your hand. “...am i going to hell?”
hongjoong scoffed. “come on-“ he began, but stopped himself when he looked at you and the tears spilling from your eyes. “you didn’t kill him… you’re fine.”
you opened your mouth to protest but he silenced you as he continued typing. “and even if you did,” he added. “you’re doing the world a favour.”
he smashed the burner phone onto the ground, discarding the pieces. he reloaded his pistol before turning back to you, wrapping his arm around your shoulders as he led you through bodies and debris.
outside, a black van waited by the curb. hongjoong pushed you inside before climbing in after you, slamming the door shut behind him.
“drive,” he ordered.
as the street lights went past you, you slumped in your seat, completely exhausted. “where are we going?” you asked softly.
hongjoong studied you for a moment, watching your eyelids go heavy. “...go to sleep, brat.”
DAY 2 - OH HONEY I'M HOME
you woke up with a jolt. you sat up from the couch you laid down on, completely disoriented. your eyes darted around the dimly lit room. the hideout.
relief and fear spread within you. you were safe - for now.
just then, a knock from the doorway made you jump. “didn’t mean to scare you,” a man said, leaning against the frame. “boss wanted me to check on you.”
you blinked. “i- okay,” you coughed to clear your throat, wincing at how dry it felt.
“i’ll let him know you’re awake.”
and with that, he disappeared down the hall, leaving you alone once more.
though that didn’t last long. moments later, hongjoong entered. he carried a stool over, setting it down across from you before sitting.
“how long did i sleep?” you asked hoarsely.
“a day,” he replied with a shrug.
your eyes widened. it was only then you noticed your attire - a baggy t-shirt replacing the outfit you were wearing before.
“who changed me?” you blurted out, heat rising to your cheeks.
“i did,” hongjoong answered. he noticed your flustered expression, tilting his head. “what?”
“did you-” you cleared your throat. “did you see anything?”
“i’m not a pervert,” he scoffed. “if it makes you feel better, you were changed in the dark.”
you fell into an awkward, heavy silence as you sat across each other. for the first time, there was no danger, no gunfire or anyone yelling out orders. just silence.
“your dad..” hongjoong began, speaking up. “wants you dead.”
“...what?”
he held up a cassette tape, tossing it onto the table between you, your hands trembling as you picked it up. hongjoong then brought out a cassette tape player, allowing you to hear your father’s voice.
‘mr kim, we’ve had our ups and downs, but i’m sure that we can agree on one thing - that bitch who shot my thigh is a liability. an idiot that made it this far because of me. she’s no longer my responsibility or family, so expect to find her head on a stick when you turn your back. have fun.’
“what the fuck..” you whispered shakily as it came to an end.
“to be honest, your only purpose was to be a hostage.” hongjoong’s fingers drummed the edge of the stool. “and now that he doesn’t want you.. you’re useless-”
the world around you crumbled, his words making you feel worse.
“-to him.”
your eyes widened, looking at him in confusion.
“you’re smart,” he shrugged. “and you stitched me.”
you blinked. “…where are you going with this?”
“i want you to be an addition to my team,” he replied.
“do i have to kill people?” you blurted out. “or steal, or-”
“no,” hongjoong raised a hand to cut you off. “all you’ll be doing is treating my injured men. quite the opposite of killing.”
you frowned, furrowing your eyebrows. “why would you trust me with that?”
“because,” he said, leaning forward. “you have nowhere else to go.”
“that’s not true-”
“really?” hongjoong smirked. “do you know how many businesses your dad owns?”
you shook your head.
“more than 80% in the country,” his eyes sparkled with something dark. “now that you’ve shot him, you’ve burnt every bridge he’s built for you.”
your jaw dropped. “but-”
“no job, no family, nowhere to live either since he owns most of the real estate here.”
you stared at him, struggling to process his words.
“here’s my offer,” hongjoong continued. “you get a decent amount of money, a place to live and protection...”
“...just to treat people?” you asked in disbelief.
he nodded.
you bit your lip, staring at the floor as you picked at your nails. how could your dad do this to you? abandoning you just like that? and now he wanted you dead? you could feel yourself getting angry just thinking about him.
after a long moment, you lifted your head, meeting his gaze. “deal.”
MONTH 1 - FAMILY BONDING
that evening, you sat on the floor with san, wooyoung and yeosang, eating a batch of cheap instant noodles. it was a little awkward - mostly because you just joined, but you were silently appreciating their efforts to make small talk with you.
suddenly, a loud bang was heard through the hideout. the three men jumped up immediately, pulling guns and knives from who knows where.
“back entrance?” wooyoung asked as he sharpened his knives.
your heart raced as you watched the three of them shift into combat mode - and you caught yourself lagging behind. you hurriedly stood up and grabbed the medical kit you kept close.
“stay here,” san said firmly.
you shook your head. “if someone’s injured, i’m coming.”
the three of them shared a look before yeosang gave you a reluctant nod. “…just stay behind us. we’ll get in trouble if you get hurt.”
they moved swiftly and silently through the narrow halls of the hideout, weapons in hand. you trailed closely, your heart pounding as you gripped the medical kit tightly.
when you reached the back entrance, san motioned you to stay back while they checked the door.
the signs of forced entry were obvious - the lock was broken and scuff marks lined the floor.
wooyoung scoffed, speaking under his breath. “stupid piglets.”
yeosang sighed. “looks like they took a few weapons and left.”
“are they testing us?” san asked, inspecting a footprint on the ground.
before anyone could respond, the door slammed open making all of you jump. you turned to see mingi, his chest heaving as he leaned against the door frame.
“meeting. now.”
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
the hideout’s ‘meeting room’ was more of a cramped closet with mismatched chairs and a comically large table in the middle. hongjoong paced at the end of the room, his jaw clenched.
“we can’t stay here any longer,” he began. “it’s only a matter of time before they come back in full force.”
hongjoong stopped pacing and crossed his arms. “we need to move back to our old apartments. they’re scattered enough to keep us hidden until we figure out our next move.”
you shifted uncomfortably.
hongjoong noticed this. “what?” he asked, his sharp eyes landing on you.
“i uh-“ you hesitated. “i don’t have a home..” you said sheepishly.
hongjoong raised an eyebrow.
“my dad owns the house,” you admitted. “and that’s not really an option anymore.”
“right,” hongjoong sighed, running a hand through his hair. “shit..”
“alright, who has space?” he clapped, glancing around the room.
everyone exchanged uneasy looks.
“we don’t,” yeosang said, gesturing to himself, san, wooyoung and jongho. “the four of us are already crammed into one place.”
“same here,” yunho spoke up. “mingi and i barely fit in ours.”
hongjoong turned to seonghwa, his face hopeful.
“no,” seonghwa said without hesitation.
a heavy sigh escaped hongjoong as he pinched the bridge of his nose. he leaned against the table, deep in thought.
minutes stretched into what felt like hours before hongjoong finally spoke up. “you’re coming with me,” he said, looking directly at you.
your eyes widened in surprise. “..what?”
“you’re staying at my place.”
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
the car sped down the (somewhat) empty highway, the faint smell of vanilla from the air freshener mixing with the lingering scent of old fast food.
you gripped the edge of your seat as the streetlights ran by the window in a blur. “are we in a rush?” you nervously glanced at hongjoong.
“no,” he replied flatly.
there was a black car beside you that had been keeping pace for the past few minutes - and just as you shifted in your seat, it suddenly swerved infront of your car and slammed the brakes.
“what the-” you barely managed to say before the impact. the car jolted violently as it hit the one ahead, the sound of metal crunching loud.
hongjoong let out a low string of curses under his breath. his face was weirdly calm as he unbuckled his seatbelt, stepping out of the car without a word.
“wait-” you scrambled to undo your own seatbelt.
from your seat, you saw him approaching the car. the moment he glanced inside, his eyes widened. he reached for his gun and pulled the trigger instantly.
the loud gunshot made you flinch and your stomach twisted as you saw the slumped figure in the driver’s seat, blood splattered across the windshield.
your heart pounded as you stumbled out of the car, rushing towards him. “why did you do that?!”
hongjoong turned to you, his jaw clenched. “it was a piglet.”
“wha-“ your eyes drifted to the body, a shiver going down your spine as you saw the bullet hole clean through the skull.
hongjoong, completely unfazed, went back to the car. you stared at the lifeless body for a moment longer before hurriedly following him.
once you were back inside, you swallowed the lump in your throat, attempting to break the suffocating silence. “….how did you know he was a piglet?”
hongjoong didn’t respond immediately. his fingers flexed against the steering wheel as he glanced at you.
“they have a bullet tattoo..” he said finally, pulling down his collar to point to his collarbone. “..right here.”
you blinked. “oh.”
“if you ever come across one,” he continued. “kill them on sight.”
your eyes widened, your throat tightening. “what about the police?”
he fell silent for a second, his eyes fixed on the road. then, a faint smirk crossed his face. “you don’t need to worry about them.”
his answer left you unsettled, but before you could question him further, the apartment building came into view. it was modern - standing tall with the city skyline.
hongjoong smoothly pulled into the parking lot. the abruptness of the stop sent you forward, but his hand shot out instinctively, pressing against you to keep you steady.
“sorry,” he muttered, his voice soft - though he didn’t look at you as he retracted his arm.
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
some might describe hongjoong’s apartment as ‘minimalistic’, but to you, it’s just an excuse for a grown man to avoid decorating.
the walls were devoid of any art or family photos, the kitchen was spotless - though it was definitely untouched with how there was almost no food in the fridge. and from what you saw, the only source of entertainment was a lone TV.
“do you..” you began, looking around the bare space. “do you even live here?”
hongjoong ignored your comment and walked towards the big couch and began to pull it into a makeshift bed. the springs creaked slightly as he unfolded it. “this is where you’ll be sleeping,” he said, dusting himself off.
“cool.”
“don’t complain-“ he stopped himself mid-sentence and narrowed his eyes when he realised what you said. “wait, you’re okay with this?”
you blinked. “…yeah?”
“hm,” he said, slightly surprised. he looked you up and down before turning to the long hallway. “get some rest, we’re getting you a phone tomorrow.”
MONTH 2 - LIVE LAUGH LOVE GUNS
you should’ve known it wouldn’t be long before the piglets attacked you again.
hongjoong sent you on a simple supply run - nothing unusual. but as you stood in the small pharmacy, you felt the air shift when the cashier’s demeanour turned cold.
it all happened so fast.
the moment you saw the gun aimed at your chest, your eyes fell to the faint outline of a bullet tattoo peeking out from his collarbone. great.
your breath hitched as your body moved on impulse. you barely avoided the first shot as you ducked behind the display rack.
the pharmacy was strangely empty, no one else to intervene. your heart pounded as the sounds of footsteps and gunshots echoed.
fumbling with your phone, you dialed every number you could think of. yet, no one answered.
your hands trembled as you typed hongjoong’s number, your last resort.
he picked up after one ring.
“this better be important, brat,” he grumbled, groggy like he just woke up.
“i need help-” you semi-yelled as you narrowly dodged another shot, darting behind the counter. “i’m getting attacked-”
“-send your location,” hongjoong interrupted. “i’m on my way.”
the line went dead before you could respond.
you sent your location and shoved the phone back into your pocket. the cashier reloaded the gun, his footsteps growing louder. and just as you moved, he charged.
he grabbed you, trying to pin you down. you barely managed to fight back, until you made an educated attack - kicking him in the groin.
he groaned, stumbling back. you took the opportunity to snatch the gun from his hands.
you pointed it at him, your hands shaking. “stay back,” your voice cracked.
the man scoffed. “over my dead body,” he lunged at you again.
your finger moved instinctively, pulling the trigger.
once.
twice.
again and again and again.
the sound of gunfire rang in your ears, the recoil sending waves through your arms. you didn’t stop until you heard a clicking noise that meant that the gun was empty.
when you opened your eyes, he was no longer standing.
you looked down, the cashier laying sprawled on the ground, the concrete dark with blood. bullet holes littered his body, evidence of your frantic shots.
you dropped to your knees, your chest heaving. you reached out to check his pulse. nothing.
you just took someone’s life.
your eyes fell to your hands, bloody and shaking. from young, you always wanted to save lives - not take them. tears fell from your eyes, blurring your vision.
the door slammed open.
hongjoong stood in the doorway. he took in the body on the floor and your frozen form in a single glance. he sighed, stepping in.
“come on, let’s go,” he crouched to grab your arm.
you couldn’t move, your eyes fixed on the lifeless body.
“hey,” his fingers gripped your jaw, tilting your face to meet his. his eyes were intense, his touch warm against your cold skin. “we need to leave before more show up. you don’t want to kill anyone else, do you?”
you shook your head quickly.
he pulled you to your feet, wrapping his arm around yours as he guided you to his car. the ride back was silent as you stared out of the window.
and before you knew it, you were back at his apartment.
you hesitated at the door, unable to bring yourself to step inside.
hongjoong sighed, grabbing your wrist as he tugged you in. he tossed his gun and his keys in the kitchen counter before turning to you.
“go take a long shower. i’ll be in the living room.”
you nodded, moving to the bathroom in a daze.
the water was scalding as it hit your skin. no amount of soap or scrubbing would ever make you feel clean from the bloodied-stains. every part of your body felt foreign - even your puffy eyes and lips.
once you were done, you dressed in the softest clothes you had, hoping that it would provide you with some form of comfort (it didn’t).
the pull-out couch was prepared with brand-new pillows and fluffy blankets when you returned to the living room. hongjoong sat on the edge, gesturing for you to sit. you sank down beside him.
the silence stretched on until it became unbearable.
you spoke up, your voice barely audible. “…i killed someone.”
“you did,” he nodded. “good job.”
your head snapped up, your eyes wide. “i killed someone.”
“and so have i,” hongjoong leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees. “does that bother you?”
“i…”
he leaned back. “it should. the first time always does.”
“i don’t think i can do this,” you breathed out shakily. “i don’t want to hurt people..”
the two of you locked eyes for what felt like ages. you could see hongjoong’s adam's apple bob up and down, his jaw tightening slightly. “no one wants to hurt people,” he replied softly.
you blinked.
“i shouldn’t have sent you out alone, especially with your dad targeting you,” he sighed. “that’s on me.”
“but-”
“-though i do have to say, this made me realise how.. unprepared you are,” he continued.
your eyebrows furrowed.
“if you want to survive, you need to know how to defend yourself,” he drummed his fingers against the couch. “...you’re off supply runs. from now on, you’re training with the others.”
you stared at him. “what?”
“the rest have some ‘schedule’ for training. i’m sure you can join without any problems.”
you hesitated. the thought of the blood, the body, the gun in your hands made you nauseous. the idea of training scared you.
he noticed this, his eyes softening slightly. “you won’t be a killer, just someone capable of self-defense.”
you swallowed the lump in your throat. finally, you nodded, your voice small. “okay.”
MONTH 3 - LET’S GO GAMBLING!
the casino was glitzy and loud with copyright-free music, its neon lights casting eerie shadows on the dark streets outside.
“you three, cover left. you two, check the vault. the rest of you will stay near the exit,” hongjoong ordered.
you waited for your assignment, expecting to be grouped with someone. instead, hongjoong said, “you’re with me.”
you sighed. “alright.”
you followed hongjoong to the right side of the casino, the sounds of laughter and clinking glasses filling the space. he moved silently, keeping his gun concealed but ready. you tried to mimic his focus, clutching the knife wooyoung lent you earlier.
the first sign of trouble came when the alarms blared.
armed men swarmed into the casino. piglets.
hongjoong moved first, taking them down in a single shot. you ducked behind a pillar, your heart pounding.
the fight moved fast. hongjoong was precise - he wasn’t even touchable, killing the men easily.
but that was when you saw it before he did: a piglet creeping up behind him, raising and aiming the gun to his head.
“boss!”
without hesitation, you hurled wooyoung’s knife to the piglet.
the knife pierced and plunged into his neck, causing the man to fall, his gun clattering to the ground.
hongjoong whipped his head around with wide eyes, shooting the man infront of him before spinning to kill the piglet you just hit.
the silence that followed was deafening.
hongjoong’s breathing was heavy as he lowered his weapon. he dusted his clothes off, looking at you with an unreadable expression.
he gulped, finally speaking up. “...good job, pretty.”
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
slowly, everyone regrouped in the corner, collapsing onto the floor in a circle. bottles of water were passed around as everyone caught their breaths.
for a while, no one spoke, the only sounds being an occasional groan.
“hey,” wooyoung hiccuped, breaking the silence as he turned to you. “give me my knife back.”
you looked at him awkwardly before handing him his completely bloody and dented knife - basically ruined.
“what the hell!” he exclaimed. “that was one of my favourites!”
you shrugged. “you shouldn’t have given it to me then.”
“i didn’t know you were actually gonna use it,” wooyoung complained. “i thought you would just watch.”
“you’re such a dick,” you rolled your eyes.
wooyoung leaned in closer - his voice annoyingly sweet. “aw, don’t be mad, sweetheart. i’ll get you a better knife- one that won’t bend in your delicate fucking hands.”
“shut up,” you groaned, shoving him lightly as the others chuckled.
hongjoong leaned against the wall, his arm crossed over his chest. his eyes shifted from wooyoung to you.
his chest tightened in a now-familiar way: you’re fitting in too well.
it wasn’t jealousy - at least, that’s what he told himself. it was about control. your presence was a distraction he didn’t account for. but the others took you in so easily, which was technically a good thing, right?
and yet...
why did his stomach twist every time one of them smiled at you?
hongjoong blinked, realising how his leg was bouncing restlessly. he forced himself to stop, sighing deeply.
“you good, boss?” yunho asked.
hongjoong paused. “...i’m fine.”
yunho raised an eyebrow but didn’t question it, turning away.
hongjoong’s eyes returned to you. you were leaning a little too close to yeosang now, laughing at some joke wooyoung said - sending a strange pang through his chest.
why did this bother him so much?
you weren’t doing anything wrong. you were building trust, meshing with the group - just like he expected.
but this wasn’t about the group, was it?
he frowned, thinking. you stitched him right after he kidnapped you, you saved him from getting shot even though you were definitely not ready to fight.
what has he ever done for you?
introduced you to a world of crime? to a world of killing, stealing and hatred? accidentally ruined the relationship between you and your dad?
hongjoong closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose.
shit.
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
without bothering to change, you sank into the pull-out couch - exhaustion pulling you to it like gravity.
you heard hongjoong locking the door behind him, the soft click sounding loud in the quiet apartment. his footsteps shuffled toward the kitchen, the sounds of cabinets opening and closing reaching your ears. you were way too tired to look.
you didn’t realise you drifted off until you were awoken by something heavy on your body.
your eyes fluttered open groggily. for a moment, you thought you were dreaming. hongjoong was in the middle of draping a large blanket on you.
“what are you doing?” you mumbled, your voice thick with sleep.
his eyes darted to yours briefly. “nothing.”
you frowned, shifting to sit up - but he placed a hand on your shoulder, pressing you gently back down. “sleep.”
you let out a quiet sigh. “shouldn’t you be sleeping?” you muttered.
he paused, his jaw tensing. “....tomorrow onwards, you’re training with me.”
you stared at him, stunned. before you could even say anything, he turned and walked away without a word.
…did your boss just tuck you in?
MONTH 3.5 - PUNCH, KICK, SNARE
“again,” hongjoong said, slightly out of breath.
the living room felt smaller than usual with the two of you moving around. the coffee table and couch was pushed aside, leaving just enough space to practice your punches without tripping over the furniture. he claimed training here would teach you how to ‘fight in tight quarters’.
he sighed. “your moves are sloppy.”
you groaned, shaking your aching wrists. “i’m trying.”
“that’s not enough when someone’s aiming a gun at your head,” he replied, stepping back and raising hands. “your punches are too weak and your balance is all over the place. reset your stance.”
you rolled your eyes but obeyed, repositioning your feet. it wasn’t the first time you’ve heard those words from him.
hongjoong moved closer, tapping your wrist. “keep your guard up. always.”
you threw another punch, but it barely made his hands move. he lowered them, sighing. “that’s not going to hurt anyone-“
“-i’m doing my best, okay?” you snapped. “i’m not a fast learner.”
his eyes softened for a moment before narrowing again. “that’s not an excuse when your life is on the line.”
you tsked. he was right of course, but that didn’t make it easier to hear.
“again.”
you tried once more, throwing a combination of punches that he blocked with ease. when you attempted a kick, you stumbled, nearly losing your footing.
he caught you instinctively, his hands steadying you.
“watch your balance,” he said automatically, going on a tangent on how training is important and blahblahblah.
you tried to focus on your surroundings, on the words he was saying, but it was hard to ignore the proximity between you. the smell of his cologne mixed with the faint smell of sweat in the room. his touch wasn’t rough or aggressive like you’d expect - it was gentle.
your eyes drifted to his face, catching the faint scars along his cheekbones and jawline. were those always there? or was this the first time you really noticed?
his brows furrowed, likely in frustration at your lack of response, but the concern in his eyes snapped you back into reality, making you realise that you were staring the whole time.
“i don’t think i’m cut out for this,” the words spilled out before you could stop them.
hongjoong paused, his lips parting slightly - he wasn’t expecting you to say that. for a moment, he was silent. he then leaned in, his eyes piercing.
“you don’t get to quit.”
the intensity of his voice made you forget about the aches in your muscles and the sweat dripping down your back. his words weren’t angry - they were commanding.
“why do you even care?” you whispered, barely audible.
his grip on your arms loosened slightly, his eyes searching yours for what felt like eternity. then out of nowhere, he stepped back, clearing his throat as he avoided your gaze. “take five,” he mumbled, walking to the kitchen.
MONTH 5 - BLOOD, BLOOD AND MORE BLOOD
the office building looked ordinary. if you didn’t know any better, you’d think it was just another corporate HQ. but you knew better.
and so did hongjoong.
you held up the new knife wooyoung gave you, one that wasn’t as pretty as the last. it was finally the day you ambushed your dad, the man that’s been wanting you dead for months.
you looked up to face hongjoong. “i don’t want to see it,” you said suddenly.
he raised an eyebrow. “see what?”
“when you kill him. my dad,” you clarified, your throat tightening. “i’m.. okay with it, but i don’t want to see it.”
his eyes studied you. after a moment, he nodded. “make sure to stay close to me,” he said before turning to the building.
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
the group slipped into the building through the side. hongjoong led the way, gripping his pistol tightly as you stayed close behind him.
“elevators are too risky,” hongjoong looked back at the group. “we’ll take the stairs.”
the group nodded, their weapons drawn as they moved quietly through the halls. the fluorescent lights did nothing to mask the sinister aura that was buried in the walls.
when you reached the stairwell, the sound of footsteps echoing above sent everyone into high alert.
the first shot rang out.
gunfire filled the stairwell. the air was thick with smoke and gunfire. you pressed yourself against the wall, trying to avoid all of the attacks happening around you. you tried to go in to fight but-
-someone grabbed you.
you struggled, twisting out of their grasp. but before you could scream, a hand clamped over your mouth, dragging you away. “stay still.”
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
the stench forced your eyes open - a horrid mix of stale cigar smoke and alcohol. the office was dimly lit and your father crouched infront of you, his face smug as he cornered you.
“you think you’re better than me, don’t you?” he sneered.
you glared at him, your heart pounding. “fuck off.”
a bitter laugh escaped his lips. “you’ve gotten worse since you joined that boy,” he spat. “should i cut off your tongue? unhinge your jaw? or maybe i’ll be basic and shoot you.”
“you’re insane,” your stomach twisted. “it’s hard to believe we’re related, especially with how ugly you are.”
“you-”
before he could finish, you jammed wooyoung’s knife into his other thigh, dragging it down to create a large gash. he let out a guttural scream, stumbling into a desk as blood gushed out of his thigh like a fountain.
you moved quickly, scrambling out of the corner, but two piglets grabbed you before you could get far.
“stupid bitch,” your father hissed, forcing himself up as he took out the knife in his thigh, looking directly at you. “you’re going to regret that.”
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
as hongjoong shot another piglet with his pistol, he looked around the haze, searching for a certain someone. “where’s ‘____’?” he asked.
the group stayed silent.
“shit- we don’t know,” wooyoung said nervously.
hongjoong’s face darkened - and without hesitation, he grabbed a nearby piglet by the collar, slamming him against the wall. “where’s your boss?” he snarled.
the piglet squirmed. “i- i have a family!”
hongjoong’s grip on his collar tightened, his eyes widening scarily. “then bring me to him.”
⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
“your mother should’ve gotten the abortion,” your father said before settling down infront of you, the bloody knife close to your face.
“i’m surprised that a woman like her fucked you,” you breathed out shakily as the blade hit your skin.
“shut up-“
the door burst open as the knife grazed your skin. hongjoong stepped in, his gun raised. “let go of her,” he ordered.
the piglets hesitated, glancing between your father and hongjoong. your father’s hand didn’t move, a scar forming on your face.
“you want her that badly?” your father asked mockingly. “you’re becoming soft.”
hongjoong didn’t answer. instead, he moved faster than you thought was possible, shooting the two piglets that held you with ease.
the bodies hit the ground - causing your father to shove you harshly against the wall. pain shot through your body as you heard something crack.
hongjoong froze, his pistol trained on your dad.
“stay back,” your father warned, hovering the blade near your temple.
hongjoong’s jaw clenched. he dropped his gun slightly, making your father relax.
but then hongjoong lunged.
the fight was brutal, all punches and grunts. you slumped against the wall, your cheek bleeding uncontrollably as every part of your body ached.
after what felt like ages, hongjoong finally gained the upper hand, pinning your dad down as he pointed the gun to his head. but then his eyes landed on yours, wide and terrified - making him freeze.
“shit,” he cursed under his breath, lowering the gun. he turned and rushed to you, pulling you into his arms.
your father tried to crawl away, but hongjoong didn’t let him go far. with you in his embrace, he covered your eyes and ears tightly as the sound of a singular gunshot echoed in the room.
you clung to him, your tears soaking into his shirt. his hand cradled the back of your head, his touch soft. “it’s over,” he whispered as you sobbed.
you shook your head against his chest, the salt in your tears stinging the cut on your cheek. “i almost died.”
“i know,” he said softly. “but i wouldn’t let that happen.”
his words settled over you like a warm blanket. you pulled back slightly, your eyes searching his face. you could feel the heat of his body as he kept you close.
hongjoong shifted, his hands moving to your shoulders as he looked at you carefully. his thumb brushed over your scar, wiping away the trail of blood on your face.
“you’re shaking,” his eyebrows furrowed. “you need to breathe.”
“i’m trying.”
he reached for a nearby chair and pulled it over, guiding you to sit. hongjoong crouched infront of you, your hands trembling in his.
“you’re safe,” his eyes locked onto yours. “i’ve got you.”
something inside you cracked at his words - and tears spilled once more. hongjoong didn’t say anything, but his presence was enough. he stayed crouched infront of you, letting you take all the time you needed.
when you finally looked up, there was something unspoken in his eyes - a mix of guilt and relief that made your heart ache. “...thank you,” you whispered.
his lips parted like he wanted to say something, but the words never came. instead, he nodded slowly, his grip on your hands tightening for a moment before letting go.
at that moment, you leaned forward, closing the small distance between you. your lips brushed against his, just enough to make his entire body stiffen.
for a second, you thought you made a mistake. his hands paused midair and his breathing hitched.
but then, he moved. to you.
his hands cupped your face gently, pulling you closer into a kiss. it was slow at first, but when you gripped his shirt tightly - the feelings he’d been keeping were let loose.
his lips pressed against yours with urgency. his fingers tangled in your hair, holding you like you might disappear if he let go.
you responded instinctively. your hands found his neck, his jaw - brushing over them softly in a way that made him groan. “fuck- you’re so pretty.”
the world around you spun in swirls of blood, smoke and cologne, overwhelming you in a way that made you lose your breath.
hongjoong broke away for a moment, panting slightly. his lips curled into a smirk, before he kissed you again, softer this time but no less intense. it was grounding, reassuring and impossibly warm.
when the two of you pulled back, his thumb traced your scar. “this..” he began quietly. “..this isn’t what i expected tonight.”
you let out a soft, shaky laugh. “me neither.”
he pecked your forehead as he stood up, his legs slightly wobbly from the kiss. hongjoong held out a hand, helping you to your feet. “...let’s go home.”
series taglist - @hanoishere @scuzmunkie @sinfullygay @arusio @midnightrebel1028 @neemaxx @seungminsrighthand @arilevenatz @ateezswonderland @beabatiny @lemirabitur @sunnyhokyu @frzzenfrxg @cylovesmg @txtsoobean @seonghwasslytherin @sundaybossanova @sweetinsaniiity @cybrnaya @choisanchwego @mrskill2
author’s note: this is the first oneshot of my mafia series! yes it is long but i promise you that it does eat and that you’ll enjoy it. remember to reblog and comment if you enjoyed, any and all feedback helps!
BONUS SCENE - MINE
the apartment was quiet as you laid on the pull-out couch, staring at the ceiling. sleep wasn’t coming - your mind was too busy replacing the events earlier.
the memory of hongjoong’s arms around you stayed, along with the feeling of his lips on yours. how could a man as dangerous as him bring you such comfort?
a soft knock against the wall broke the silence.
you sat up slowly, seeing hongjoong standing in the hallway. his hair was slightly damp and he wore a loose black hoodie, the sleeves pushed up to his elbows. he hesitated before walking to you, his movements weirdly awkward.
“...you okay?” you asked the nervous man.
he shrugged, trying to play it off as he sat next to you. “i’m fine. you?”
“i’ve been better.”
there was a pause as the two of you stared at each other, the silence heavy. finally, he cleared his throat, shifting uncomfortably.
“i’ve been thinking..” hongjoong trailed off.
“uh-oh.”
“i-it’s not a bad thing-” he said hurriedly. “it’s just that.. tonight made me think about a lot of things.”
you tilted your head, confused.
his voice softened as he continued. “but this isn’t just about tonight. it’s about.. everything. i don’t want you to feel.. unsafe all the time.”
“i don’t,” you said instantly, but you’re not sure how much you believed yourself.
he leaned back slightly, reaching into his hoodie pocket. when his hand reappeared, it was holding a pistol - his pistol.
“take this,” he held it out to you.
you blinked, staring at the weapon. “what? why?”
“because it’s mine,” he replied simply leaving no room for argument. “and now, it’s ours.”
you hesitated, your hand hovering over the gun. “i.. i barely know how to use this.”
“then i’ll teach you.”
you looked up at him, searching his face for answers. “...why are you giving this to me?”
you noticed the way his eyes darted down as you looked at him, his fingers tightening around the pistol as he pushed it to you.
“because,” hongjoong began quietly. “i trust you.”
your fingers paused before finally closing around the gun. the cold metal felt deadly in your grasp, but the way his eyes lit up made your heart swell.
“you trust me..?” you asked softly, a faint smile on your face. “hongjoong..”
his usual composure faltered as you said his name, a blush dusting his face. he swallowed the lump in his throat, gathering himself. “you’re not just a part of the group,” he said. “you’re more than that. to me.”
your eyebrows shot up, completely stunned. “...i don’t know what to say.”
“say yes.”
you blinked. “yes to what?”
“to being mine,” hongjoong’s hands fidgeted slightly.
your heart raced as you heard his words. a wide smile spread across your face as you realised what he was really asking.
“are you..” you paused. “are you asking me to be your girlfriend?”
his breath got caught in his throat as he nodded. “yeah.”
the man that was the literal leader of an entire gang, was sitting nervous infront of you. it was a funny sight to see, but you brought yourself back to reality, answering his question.
“yes.”
a wave of relief washed over his face as he let out the breath he seemed to be holding. he reached out, his fingers brushing yours briefly as he leaned closer. “wanna sleep in my bed tonight?”
deleted scenes | other fics
#gnomeo 🥫#gnomeo🥫writes#ateez#ateez x reader#ateez fanfic#ateez fic#atz fic#atz#atz x reader#ateez mafia au#ateez mafia#atz mafia#blood in the clouds#kim hongjoong#hongjoong#hongjoong x reader#ateez hongjoong#atz hongjoong#hongjoong fic#no smut
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