#no matter how much I try to look away
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Very much feeling the Cultural Hegemony Bad (and sports in general bad too, actually) right now
#With the economics and cultural impact of it all being this significant... sports can't just be escapism#no matter how much I try to look away#I'm feeling restless. What can I a Literal Some Guy do? I need to do something#Surely there's something#.txt#(Just watched a documentary about NFL with Fio lol)#Also got me thinking about how it's no different in football and motorsports et cetera#It all boils down to the commodification of people's athleticism and performance for entertainment
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SAGESUNE MIKU >:DDD
#i rise from the dead once again!!#sorry about the long periods of time in between me posting#school is absolutely kicking my ass right now and i havent had any time to draw the creatures :(#ive also just been feeling unsatisfied with my art as of late#its probably just too much time online looking at other peoples art making me feel bad about myself#even though im improving as fast as i can it doesnt feel like im getting any better#but i know from experience that that feeling doesnt go away with time#so i guess ill always see flaws in my art no matter how hard i try to get better#man. that got really depressing :/#anyways SAGE!!! i love her she is my favorite of all time and im going to draw her so much yall dont even KNOW :D#ive got tons of other stuff planned too so watch out >:3#i could hit you guys with 6 paragraphs of au lore any day now#sonic the hedgehog#sage robotnik#AWWWHHHGG SHE HAS HER OWN LITTLE TAG IM SOBBING#anyways#sage sonic#hatsune miku#i guess#whoof im scared to post this#or maybe im just exhausted#probably both :/
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me the minute i'm hit with over exhaustion: i need to die bc nobody needs me and im tired of pretending to be capable of being human
#screaming at my brain to go to sleep bc this is a feeling that you sleep away usually#and then it gets bwtter#i honestly wish i had someone close enough to comfortably tell this to rather than posting on here#i really need someone to put me to sleep#i really want to be someone for somebody that they enjoy putting effort for#but im incapable of intimacy .....#no matter how much i try ....my efforts feel all in vain. the best i get at is pretending i can be emotionally intimate w someone#but then i just dip.... because it all feels unfamiliar and scary and .... scary#im such a coward i cant look at myself i dont know how to live with myself honestly#im so annoying for myself#my brain feels like mush#no rather my brain feels exactly like the ending parade in satoshi kon's paprika#everything just happening all at once every line blurred#; words generated by me#vent tw#tw vent#suicide ideation
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baby boy acquired
#see i do love him no matter how much i make fun of him#no pictures because I've already transformed him and I refuse to be humbled by the age on the box again by trying to change him back#like im sorry but what 7 year old can transform these (i pulled his entire arm off thrice while doing so)#he looks like an elongated roomba im so fucking sorry what is that alt mode#transformers#tf one#b 127#tf bumblebee#bumblebee#tf one b127#tf one bumblebee#transformers one#Also his box art is really pretty I can't bring myself to throw it away
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The thing that kills me about the Star Wars prequel trilogy and why I will die on my hill that my problem is not that Star Wars is a tragedy, its that its a badly written tragedy, is that Anakin Skywalker was at his closest to being a good Jedi when he was ten years old.
#im not an anakin apologist by any means because I get the point of his character and Im not pro or anti jedi#my only real opinion on all of it is similar to what I was saying about Peter and Tony and the MCU yesterday#its badly written. its EVERYONE being contorted into shapes that dont make a ton of sense in service to#getting characters to where they need to end up for certain things to occur#my opinion is not that Anakin is inherently bad or good or that the Jedi are inherently bad or good#its that their entire conflict was set in motion by forcing the Jedi to act in ways that felt massively OOC when they were#first interviewing him as a kid and like.....I ACCEPT that the Jedi are supposed to be for the most part kindhearted and empathetic and all#of that which is why its so noteworthy in my opinion that this does not match with how they were FORCIBLY portrayed in those early movies#in order to ENGINEER the idea that this kid in desperate need of support but already with a lot of good instincts and positive traits#came to the order of kindly supportive literal empaths and everything went downhill from there#like kindly supportive literal empaths would not in my opinion look at a kid trying his best to be brave & stoic in completely intimidating#circumstances and surroundings and be judgmental and fairly dismissive about it as though theyve never met a kid before let alone a#traumatized one and the fact that thats kinda what happened is in contrast to how a lot of pro anakin people frame that NOT proof#that the Jedi order are inherently bad its that in that key scene and multiple others#the Jedi order were BADLY WRITTEN in pursuit of one pre-determined outcome that mattered more to the script/Lucas than#being true to their core conceit and characterizations. and thats just one example out of dozens I could list and the same holds true for#anakin's side of things so thats why I always steer far away from SW discourse#because Im like the problem with the characters in terms of the most iconic arc is not really any of the characters so much#as the plots refusal to let them actually consistently BE characters rather than just fixed and contrived stepping stones on the way to#the desired endpoint
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my princess nonsense is being encouraged watch ouyt imabout to be eneaabled
OK WHATF ATHAT'S SO CUTE I HAD TO MAKE IT i know realistically there's little to no chance that rei DOESN'T know how to work heels 🤣 BUT IMAGINE.....ING.... YAKUMO GENTLY GUIDING REI IN HEELS, WEEKS BEFORE THE BIG GALA AND HAVING NONE OF HIS NORMAL FEAR OF PHYSICAL TOUCH BC HIS [TEACHER MODE] IS OVERRIDING HIS INSECURITY
#rei looking directly at the camera like why are you subjecting me to this. i do not need any of this. i know how to do it#rei wearing stilettos the size of your head so he becomes ur very tall bird goth gf#you know how yakumo gets when he instructs someone on how to cook something#he becomes confident and just tells ppl how to do stuff without his usual amount of stutter and secondguessing#i'm gonna pretend that after his stiletto training in misty vale he gains a TINY MOLECULE of confidence due to experience#like [i can help you if you've never done it before?]#honestly i can't imagine this scenario happening because i am so SURE that rei can walk in heels HAHAHA even tho nothing has proven that#SOMETHING COME PROVE ME WRONG SO MY DELUSIONS CAN SLIDE CLOSER TO POSSIBILITY#anyway even if rei didn't know how to wear heels#would he ever mention it? would yakumo ever learn of it?#rei would probably be all . i don't need to wear heels. they can't even see them under the dress. i'll wear my practical shoes#but if he can't get away with that and will be forced to wear heels at the party...#maybe he'll go [meh. i'll figure it out] and just not wear them until the day of the dance#at which point his feet will hurt after 20 minutes and for the whole night he takes any chance to sit down#rei can be frequently spotted on SOME surface SOMEWHERE in the palace. sitting all splayed out and uncaring of propriety#because he is in PAIN and these shoes are STUPID and why do people wear them for ANYTHING . Royals are so IMPRACTICAL#yakumo keeps trying to avoid heels for the dance because he doesn't want to be any taller than he already is#i bet there's a full convo about it between him and eiden#eiden trying to reassure him that if he wants to wear heels then he shouldn't let others' perception stop him from doing so#but if he genuinely doesn't want to wear them then that's ok too#eiden craning his neck up at yakumo in heels like you're my pretty princess 1-2 heads taller than me your height doesn't matter 🥰#i'm now torn. yakumo and rei both wearing heels now? in order to stay at similar heights?#or. rei starting out with heels. getting tired of them. going barefoot for the rest of the night lol#yakumo and rei still dancing in their ballgowns together but a much shorter rei leads a yakumo in heels#yes. yes this is the vision#yakurei#replies#nu carnival yakumo#nu carnival rei
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Inuyasha was so deprived of connection and kind gestures were few and far in between. If any? He could probably count them using one hand. So those moments must stand out in his mind like a pop up card. And when you’re deprived of something vital it tends to be all you think about. So I wonder if he was constantly looking for kind smiles, or the slightest possibility of connection. And how it must of been exhausting being in that constant state of looking. And needing. The strong urge to /look/ for love because they know that it’s not something that would be just inherently be /given/ to him. Idk. That’s sad. This desperate hollow feeling is something I think is vital to understanding his character. Like you have to understand how deep those wounds go and how it somehow gave them the capacity to love that deeply as well.
The story as a whole revolves around how crazy our capacity to love is and how important those bonds are, for better or for worse. Das it.
#Inuyasha#like the romance part is great#but that’s easy#desire is often the root of all our suffering but it’s also such a human thing to do#and look at how messy it looks in this silly little 90s manga#but it’s saying soemthing so deep#the characters alone are enough#the narrative falls away bc it doesn’t really matter#it’s just about love#idk I’m trying to figure out why I still like it so much even as an adult#it tickles me#ramble
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oh wow this character is so cool i hope I don’t notice how much he is like me, how much he reminds me of that unchangeable, unloveable part of myself that lives just below my skin, the part that i hate i hope i don’t latch onto him and all of the sudden he becomes my refection, a twisted mirror of my own rage i sure hope that doesn’t happen
#that part of me that i flinch away from#the part of me that i can never escape no matter how much i try#the part that i am drowning in#i look in the mirror and i see him looking back#etc etc#new game: guess who it is#!!#i’m sure he won’t change a fundamental part of my identity or anything#that would be crazy#jacks thoughts from the moon#what do i tag this as
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god i cannot wait to be off these steroids…
#marzi speaks#marzivents#<- it’s late n i’m kinda pent up abt this#i’m so TIRED of themmmm#i’m probs gonna be on them for the rest of the year. which SUCKSSS#i don’t like how many ppl comment on the moon face#i don’t mind it. like i look in a mirror and i’m okay.#it’s a little weird. but like. just because it’s different. like getting used to a new haircut#but every time i see someone for the first time in a bit it’s ‘woah your face got rounder���#and i have to go ‘oh yeah it’s water retention- steroids thing it’ll go away when i’m able to go off ‘em’#and they go ‘oh alright :) you still look good btw don’t worry’#and i just. i HATE how people talk about it!! like jfc. it’s so clear that they think it’s like kinda sad#my dad said he thinks it’s cute and he’s the only one i actually think is telling the truth there#my mom and i agree that it doesn’t matter. but even then she tries to tell me not to panic#like a little extra squish in my face is something to panic over#it’s so clear that so many people see it as another thing to pity#oh poor thing. has that chronic illness for the rest of her life. and the steroids made her jaw look rounder :(#like jfc i knew fatphobia was prevalent but come the fuck on. literally i’m like barely retaining water for steroids too#like. i’m still very much skinny (i JUST finished being malnourished ffs) but bc i’m retaining water in my face#now ppl feel the need to comfort me. over this tiny cosmetic thing that does not matter#like. i wouldn’t feel weird abt it if it weren’t for everyone else making it such a THING. why is everyone so weird about it#i’m not insecure about it but when ppl try to comfort me or go ‘it’s not that bad’ it makes me feel like i’m SUPPOSED to be insecure abt it#and it drives me NUTS. bc there are things about being on steroids that i would love to be comforted about#but the water retention is not one of them. i couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the water retention#y’know what i’d like to be comforted over? the mood swings. the irritability. the insomnia. the appetite fluctuation#the slow healing of skin. thinning and dryness in the skin. having to take like 3 other medications alongside the steroid#bc taking the steroid causes side effects that need to be medically treated or prevented#even outside of the steroid! i’d like some comfort about having to build back my stamina from scratch#i’d like some comfort about having the worst balance i’ve had in years#there’s. more to this. but i’m out of tags. maybe i’ll make some replies idk. i’m just. UGH
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I was teaching Ophelia’s death scene this week and one of my classes spontaneously giggled when she died (because they are 16 years old and emotionally immature) and I said, in a shocked voice, “it is NOT funny” and they all insisted that it was and so I let it go but then the next day I showed them some Ophelia art, made them think about how sinister it was that her death happens offstage but is still described in such detail for the viewer, which tells us she was WATCHED but not HELPED as she died, and then played a clip from Branagh’s Hamlet of Kate Winslet singing a mourning song for her father and when I tell you how satisfying it was to hear a total and complete hush fall over the room
#teaching tag#Obviously I cannot control their emotions and I don’t try to. but I love to lay all the right groundwork for them to be moved#even if they don’t understand or forget it a second later#I can do that!!! let them have their moment of silly little reaction and then clear it away and make them look at the moment again#giving them all the context and support they need and don’t have on their own#and I have no idea if it works on a personal or individual level because it depends on what they let into their little hearts#but as a class i KNOW that it works. because of that signature hush#the same thing happened when I read the proposal scene from David Copperfield out loud#it’s happened with the end of the inferno. P&P Pemberley scene. teaching twelfth night#it’s my favorite thing to do in the entire world#to just sweep everything away and then re-build how to look at a scene#and the thing I LOVE about teaching high schoolers is that there’s the immaturity and the boredom etc. etc.#But underneath that there is a great stupidity ready to be taught#that is so much better than pretentious college age kids or hardened adults who already ‘know’ what it’s about#they have that grain of stupidity (more than a grain lol) that o’Connor talks about#that is the secret to letting things in#and I’m so passionate about showing them and I’m just getting better at clearing the ground and knowing what tools to show them when#and also —-this is A new thing I’m learning —-how to hold back my own emotions or reactions so as not to cloud it#whenever I start talking very matter-of-factly and very quickly and almost dispassionately about the structure of a moment#that’s so much better than me having the emotion because it gives THEM room to have the emotion#and that’s simply how they’re hooked#ANYWAY. as I said lots of thoughts thanks for listening wldkdkejejjejejejehe
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i've also realized that there is no therapy that can fix what's broken inside of me
#therapy wont give me a place to belong. a person to call my home.#therapy where i sit and talk about how all i want is to love and be loved and i'll never feel whole without it wont solve anything#guess i just need to study and get an education for a job that i think i could be capable of#and then distract myself with books and shows and nature#the problem is that loneliness permeates my every cell and my every moment and being#im losing interest in humanity and society#literature is barely even interesting to me anymore bc i feel so fkn far away from humanity#and what makes u human.. that i cant connect with any of what i try to consume#i just... dont care. music doesnt even do anything for me anymore#i feel so numb in one way#but also i often feel like im panicking. how is this possible? how did i end up here?#im like actually fading away from this earth and it sometimes feels like#it wont even matter if i do#what is trying to take ahold of me and stop me from fading....?#idec anymore. even if i do get a job and an apartment i'll still be empty bc all i want is. smth i can never have? is that really how it is#i dont even require that much#that is what is so .. terrible almost#i just want one connection that is special to us both. smth close smth deep smth that i can pour everything into#i look around and almost everyone have more than one person even by them.... what did i do wrong?#i must've done smth very very wrong from the start to even end up here#it doesnt matter. i fade and i fade and i fade... i think i will keep doing so#because no matter how much other ppl - ppl who themselves have love and closeness in their lives. who have friends and partners and family.#no matter how much they parrot empty lines of 'learn how to be alone!!' 'life can be whole and fulfilled even alone' ..#i dont want that. i really dont. deep in my soul i do not want that#so their words are completely... condescending even. yes i CAN do all of that. i mean fuck#i am surviving feeling alone more than most of them are since they have ppl around them lmao#but i just dont want it. i am a person meant for a deep connection... i dont even need it with multiple people#without that i feel like i am dying and nothing else matters#besides i know it's possible bc i have felt that with a person at this time of my life#so i know that it's not smth distant or unachievable... it does exist and i want it bc it's the only thing that made me
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i c ant
i cant believe i manage d to do it again igot my stuff taken away because im stupid so erm
no more art for like
3 months
#actuall y gonna like#jump off a cliff#AGFGYHJG#RI M#So fucking stupid#i knewit was gonna happen#g o t it tken away cuz i couldnt get my shit together#ag a i n#hoW Did i manage to do it AHGAIN#(my gr a des suck and i cant focus on school work no matter how hard i try)#i i was#very much looking forward to (trying)#to participate in the zine#a n d mermay#im so sad#imsostupid#dont mind me
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daydreaming about cori and shtola have a little fling in ARR that ends bc shtola has Feelings and is freaked out by the fact that cori might reciprocate those feelings…but then cori becomes her one that got away…as a little treat. for me.
#love to look at their relationship and see what might have changed….#tbh this doesn’t change a lot but i think shtola would probably think she messed it up forever#as if she is not in love with the most forgiving person on the star#okay now that i’m really thinking about this actually my headcanon that shtola only had like casual/fwb type relationships prior to cori#kinda explains some things about where they are now (in my mind. which is island fic and not caught up to the game lol)#like how much does she really know about trying to navigate this kind of relationship….cori might actually be the slightly more experienced#one in this matter. with her 6 months of dating haurchefant. ahdhdjsk#BACK TO THE AU#i just think this different kind of yearning. for the thing she had and then pushed away. is interesting :)#i need a text post tag
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Take that might send me to the shadow realm but uhhhh
Runaway kid/the runaway/Rk >>> seven
🏃
#like i know seven is following the same banking convention as six and all#but to me runaway just feels so much more right. like an actual nickname the maw kids would give him#''the runaway's trying to escape again. how long till the janitor gets him this time?''#idk i feel like it's a nickname w power behind it. like ''no matter how much you keep me down i will never stop running''#while also having a bit of a negative connotation like ''rubbing away from ones problems'' instead of facing them right on#meanwhile seven is a number. good for em i guess#little nightmares runaway kid#w1l says some stuff#this rant was born out of looking at ln fics on ao3 and everyone insisting on calling my boy seven lmao#edit: YEEHAW autocorrect ruining my tags for me yet again. ''running from ones problem'' not rubbing hhh#edit again cuz i noticed ANOTHER autocorrect: ''naming convention'' not banking convention good lorddddddd#i need to reread my tags more before posting smh
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Wine stains on porcelain
(Alternatively: @katkastrofa and I have created 5 OCs in 3 days and I suffer from chronic “I wanna draw the little guysssssss” disease)
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original characters#I have not figured out a tag system yet so for now this is all they’re getting#their names are liba and abyan and I’m very much obsessed :)#they’re the children of two of our other newest OCs. Himman and Summiya#the latter of whom just happens to be Zaheer’s older sister#but he ran away from home years before these two were born so he most likely isn’t even aware of their existence#I mean. I’m sure he suspects his sisters had children. but that’s the extent of what he knows#anyway#quite a few headcanons came to mind as I was drawing so I’m gonna type them out while I can still function#(haven’t slept for two nights in a row. I’m starting to doubt whether I’m actually alive or not)#Liba is older by about a year but once they grow up a little it’s barely noticeable and people assume they’re twins#over time they stop bothering to correct them because really. they’re so close they might as well be#they were both burn with port wine stain birthmarks on their faces. much to their mother’s dismay#she has a whole perfectionism complex and needed her children to reflect that to maintain the family image#thus they were taught how to hide the marks early on. but the powder makes them constantly sneeze#liba is very self conscious about it bc of what her mother put in her head. Abyan less so bc while he’s expected to be perfect#his future doesn’t depend on his looks. he always tries to comfort his sister whenever she spirals too deep. no matter that she’s older#when no one is around to hear he calls her Lili <3 it annoyed her at first so she dubbed him Yanyan in retaliation#but over time they both grew to love the nicknames and now use them unironically#they’re the ultimate partners in crime. their goal? gaining as much freedom from their mother as possible#and sooner or later they will manage to do so permanently. which will make Summiya fall apart. but that is currently Kat’s domain#speaking of. hi Kat. I know you’ve already seen this in pencil but look! I coloured them!!#the birthmarks were both kinda annoying and rather fun to do. maybe I’ll change them later. I was too tired to look at refs so I improvised#and there’s no detail in clothing since again. 0 energy whatsoever. but once I refine their full body designs I shall go all out#that reminds me I need to go collect my new sketchbook. might do it on the way home from the store#okay I’m getting distracted. is this my very unsubtle way of trying to influence Kat to write that Summiya fic?#maybe. maybe not. you can’t prove anything ���
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(cw vent, sorry it's just been A Couple Of Days)
Not really having many irl friends comes at the price of feeling so terribly lonely, I feel like I have no one to talk to because I'm not close to enough people, or maybe I am and I just haven't talked to them in a while and I don't want this to be our first conversation qwq
I'm honestly just. Tired, tbh qwq
#I mostly talk to my partner#But they've been more absent lately and like they have their own life#But the second they're gone I realize I don't talk to anyone that much#I used to have someone else I spoke to daily; it was an awful friendship though and it took a lot of struggle to end it#But god; just qwq; I'm so tired of everything qwq#Honestly I'm disappointed in how upset it makes me that my partner is more absent because I know it's bc they've found a game they're into#And have been playing non-stop#They'll come telling me that they've done this and that and I'll be struggling HARD and will try to mention it at some point but#But like I wanna leave them their space to be excited but I just#Look. Look the NPD is getting to me; and I know these are not kind or fair feelings but#But I hate it here; I don't care about their game; I don't care about what they've done;#All my brain focuses on is that I've had a shitty fucking day and everything's gone wrong and they weren't here#Because they were fucking playing#And I know that's not fair for MANY reasons and that voicing all that would make me a massive asshole#And that at its core; it's more of a matter of never going anywhere; not having people to hang out with;#Not leaving my house nor talking to that many people#I feel so lonely and so fucking hollow qwq#My bag got taken away and I feel like I've lost an intrinsic part of myself#And to top it all off; I had today's exam and the project I'm doing#And my dad screaming and my period coming and all the things I have to do and how much I yearn for friends#Yet when I'm with my friends I can't wait to be alone#Man; just#I didn't wanna go this far; and I only say it here because no one's really gonna read it;#But I genuinely just wanna kill myself at this point#There's no point nor reason#I'm trying hard to enjoy life but nothing goes my way#I have so many things I want to do and nothing fucking goes my way#I'm so tired; I just want to go to sleep and not wake up; it's gnawing and clawing and it's such an ugly feeling qwq#I feel like if I cut myself I'd be even more pathetic; I wouldn't even be met with sympathy; just. Disappointment#It's been a while since I last self-harmed in a way that was visible
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