#never share a crush again
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i have friendship ptsd
#like bitches just can’t stop revealing their true color in the most evil ways!#i was willing to put so much of myself away for u because i LOVED u and i thought u loved me the same#AND U JUST TOOK ADVANTAGE OF IT#live and learn fellas#never share a crush again#i will stick to being insane and possessive idc no one else is getting in the way again#u backstabbed me so hard like… FOR A MAN..
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It is WILD to me that GMMTV is fielding OffGun AND TayNew in the same quarter
That Last Twilight is airing AS WELL
That they optioned 3 JBLs
That The Sign is up there licking kicking ass and taking names (and Saint is behind it!)
That there's a high heat omegaverse BL staring Pavel
That there are 20 BLs airing right now and none of them Korean.
With 5 VAMPIRE BLs announced for next year
Thailand legit looked at 2023 and thought "yeah but we could make it worse better weirder"
#HOW DID WE GET HERE?#this is definitely the most surreal timeline#we live in interesting times#while tumblr is still talking about playboyy as if it even ranks or should be part of the conversation#also tumblr has entirely destroyed the gif searching system so that I'm probably never sharing another gif again#but that's a different 2023 story#thai bl#vampire bl#all the bl#offgun#taynew#pit babe the series#pit babe#pavel phoom#last twilight#cooking crush#cherry magic
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I was thinking about a radiostatic au where they are still both alive and Vox is Alastor’s stalker and Alastor is still the same serial killer, but then I realized that sounds like a killing stalking au and now I’m deeply disturbed
#sharing this so I can exorcise the thought#never thinking about it again#radiostatic#hazbin hotel#staticradio#jk I’m laughing abt it#vox would be like some salesman failing at life#and alastor would be himself aka the radio host who kills ppl and eats them#and vox would have like a celebrity hate crush thing idk#haven’t tought abt it that far#and won’t#:D#NO BC AL WAS ALSO MAMA’S BOY I’M GONNA JUMP OF MY WINDOW
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Crush List
I use to have a crush list on my first pinned post but I ended up deleting it to save space and sense then have been pretty indecisive about bringing it back just because I didn't feel it was useful information and the concept was too broad and more and more excuses of the like.
Then my OCD got stuck in list mode so here we are anyway.
Long post under the cut, thankyou for your attention
Canon Crushes
Crushes that are canon to my Self-Insert's story (either I have a crush on them or they have a crush on me), some of which are also on the F/O list, but they're still in the crush phase to me <3
Katsuki Bakugo - My Hero Academia
Reedus Jonah - Fairy Tail
Usopp - One Piece
Makoto Katai - Komi Can't Communicate
Souichi Nishimura (Ironman) - Baka and Test
Junta Hayami - Romantic Killer
Kotaro Sato - Kotaro lives Alone
Franky Franklin - Spy X Family
Shiro Ashiya (Aciel) - The Devil is a Part-Timer
Shizuka Domeki - XXXHolic
Chieko - Princess Jellyfish
Masato Hanzawa - Sasaki and Miyano/Hirano and Kagiura
Baron Humbert von Gikkington - The Cat Returns
Arrietty Clock - The Secret World of Arrietty
Pearl - Steven Universe
Princess Celestia - My Little Pony; Friendship is Magic
The Beast - Over the Garden Wall
Ash's Sirfetch'd - Pokemon Anime
Guzma - Pokemon Masters
Doctor Mario - Super Mario
Metal Mario - Super Mario
Wardell - Animal Crossing
Spyke - Splatoon
CQ Cumber - Splatoon
Balan - Balan Wonderworld
Rayfa Padma Khura'in - Ace Attorney
Chara - Undertale
Flowey - Undertale
Gaster - Deltarune
Phineas Filch - Ace Attorney
Maugaloa Malosi - Overwatch
Luca Blight - Suikoden 2
Madeline - The Watchers (Novel)
Just can't be bother to make an S/I
For various reasons including; Already have too many S/Is for this media, There's a ship I like that already has the dynamic my S/I would have with them (including friend's self-ships), Haven't had a good S/I concept yet, etc.
Pantherlily - Fairy Tail
Taurus - Fairy Tail
Mayaya - Princess Jellyfish
Hilling - Ranking of Kings
Marco Pagot - Porco Rosso
Palo Barrrows - The Titan's Bride
Noppo - Drifting Home
Randall - Monsters University
Jasper - Steven Universe
Rose Quarts/Pink Diamond - Steven Universe
Padparadscha - Steven Universe
The Titan - The Owl House
Grime - Amphibia
Maddie Flour - Amphibia
King Andrias - Amphibia
Hugo Oak - Kipo and the age of the Wonderbeasts
Jamack - Kipo and the age of the Wonderbeasts
Black Hat -Villainous
Bobert - The Amazing World of Gumball
The Nomad - Nomad of Nowhere
Brock - Pokemon Anime
Cilan - Pokemon Anime
Ren - Pokemon Anime
Ingo and Emmet - Pokemon BW
Nanu - Pokemon SuMo
Mega Swampert - Pokemon
Regirock - Pokemon
Regice - Pokemon
Mega Lopunny - Pokemon
Dusknoir - Pokemon
Giritina - Pokemon
Blacephalon - Pokemon
Magnazone - Monster Mind
Bowser - Super Mario
Dimentio - Super Paper Mario
Grilby - Undertale
Damon Gant - Ace Attorney
Bobby Fulbright - Ace Attorney
Kisegawa - Ace Attorney
Junko Enoshima - Danganronpa
Chihiro Fujisaki - Danganronpa
The Ultimate Imposter - Danganronpa
Gundham Tanaka - Danganronpa
Winston - Overwatch
Mako Rutledge (Roadhog) - Overwatch
Akande Ogundimu (Doomfist) - Overwatch
Jean-Baptiste Augustin - Overwatch
Richmond - Suikoden 2
Don't know enough
Either a non-major character I got a little too attached to or Their source material is too small to inspire me or I literally haven't directly interacted with the media they are from
Lapointe - Fairy Tail
Sanji Vinsmoke - One Piece
Usopp - One Piece
Bartholomew Kuma - One Piece
Bepo - One Piece
Shiro Ashiya (Aciel) - The Devil is a Part-Timer
Kitsune - XXXHolic
Dream Seller - XXXHolic
Hiigari - I Realized I Am the Younger Brother of the Protagonist in a BL Game
Otori-San - I Like Otori-san!
Tomoki Inohara - Melt at Night
Satou Jun - Mimasaka-kun to Mayoeru Kobuta
Sayo Minoru - I need to suck blood tonight/Yabun ni Kyuuketsu Shitsurei Shimasu
Yuzuru Tachibana - Drifting Home
Metauro - Villainous
Caine - The Amazing Digital Circus
Data - Star Trek
Harvey Hornswoggle - Drawtectives
Animatronic - Drawtectives
Callagan - Pokemon the Power of Us
Pumpkinmon - Digimon
Noblepumpkinmon - Digimon
Tubba Blubba - Paper Mario
Ganon - Legend of Zelda
Agent 7 (Eight) - Splatoon OC
Nelly (Agent 8) - Friend Devin's Splatoon OC
Meta Knight- Kirby
Galacta Knight - Kirby
Morpho Knight - Kirby
Magalor - Kirby
Rouge - Sonic
Roche - Dokapon Kingdom
Gaster - Undertale
Light Field (Snake) - The Nonary Games
Shamura - Cult of the Lamb
Ralph - Detroit; Become Human
Jerry - Detroit; Become Human
Bloodhound - Apex
#Crush List#Proship Selfship#Proselfship#Self Ship#One of these sections is MUCH longer than the other#If you're uncomfortable with sharing your F/O and see them on this list#Don't Worry About It#These are specifically just characters I think are neat#But am not actively Self Shipping with#Because Brain Dumb#OCD made me work on this for like a full week now#And I honestly still feel like it's too short or too uneven#Buuuuut whatever#I don't want anyone to question Usopp being in the first and third category alright I've never seen One Piece#But I do have a self insert vetted by my BF who is currently hyper fixated on it#And said S/I is down bad for Usopp's cringe fail Transgirl swag#Alright anyway#Thankyou all for reading if you did I apologize again for going list crazy recently#It's 2am but I might also post an Ask Game to follow this up sense I have a crush ask game on hand#And my Drafts have passed 30 and I'm going to explode if I don't start chipping that down some#Thankyou very much for reading if you did
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Reforged┆x791
╳┆The ground beneath them groaned, preceding its shift by mere moments. He prepared to leap from one platform to the next, but his borrowed attire got the better of him and he sorely undershot the landing. The ledge scraped him from shin to chest on his downward plummet, arms just barely catching the platform before he managed to sink toward oblivion.
As he began dragging himself toward safety, fighting the rotation of the still-turning maze, he felt someone grab his wrist and hoist him to relative safety.
“Stay on yer feet,” Gajeel snapped, irritation laden in both face and voice, “If yer gonna be embarrassing, do it away from me.”
“Right,” he agreed, just barely managing to suppress his mortification. Only the first event and he was already making a mess of things. Not using his own magic was going to be even more of a challenge than he'd already anticipated.
Blasted pants. It’s hard to believe there is any alternate version of himself that would wear these gravity defying monstrosities.
Belatedly, he tossed out an underbreath, "Appreciate it," as they turned to catch up with the others, who had taken the shifting map into stride and carried on without missing a beat.
Gajeel grumbled back, "Don't mention it."
╳┆As the third day's events began and the stadium came abuzz, he found his window to slip away unnoticed. The past few nights of aimless roaming about, catching whispers of that sour presence on the wind, have yet to bear fruit. All that time wasted was compounding; it made his bones itch. He hadn't attended these games on holiday — hadn't broken the rules and risked Fairy Tail's elimination just to suffer a humiliating forfeit and then sulk in the stands. No, there was something evil lurking about, and he fully intended to find it.
"They went that way."
Despite his prickly countenance, Gajeel seemed adept at sneaking about. Jellal barely heard him approach before he'd issued his offhand comment, pointing in the opposite direction in which Jellal originally intended to go.
Just as he opened his mouth to respond, Gajeel cut him off to explain, "They stink."
Jellal nodded, remembering the reaction he received upon his last expression of gratitude, and shifted his stride accordingly. "Tell me how the day goes."
"Nah," Gajeel called behind him, "I ain't yer fuckin' parrot."
#v: ╳ ┆ x793 ┆◜ main ◞#Drabble#a couple of snippets really - I'll probably build off of this later#exploring dynamics - Gajeel#the ghost of Ziro haunts me#he persists in the one jellal braincell we share (jaillal)#just kidding I’m going to send this to him#these Drabbles are going to be a semi-regular thing I guess#mostly for characters I don’t have a main for#or in this case - an exclusive that has retired from the fandom#no I will never let the Mystogan's Floating Pants joke die. Man found the only pair of enchanted pants in all of Fiore.#at least I HOPE they're enchanted. the alternative is not something I'd like to explore.#also... Jellal you're one to talk. Dick flaps over here thinks he's got a leg to stand on. Not with those ankles.#felled again by a strong gust of wind#ok i'll stop#no actually I won't.#I had to look up Mystogan's outfit for this and I just noticed. Is he wearing a fucking shawl OVER a cloak??? or is it all one piece?#how are they not hot as fuck all the time#everywhere they go you just hear this tiny whirring sound#they both have fans blowing down their shirts#what kills me is that Jellal's isn't even a shirt. it's a chest plate. crushing the jewels everytime he sits down.#Mystogan walked into Porlyusica's house; saw her ace bandages and said: I'll be taking those#if you got to the end of these tags... I'm sorry
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posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh
#god i am trying so hard to just have fun and be myself#but when i do that i'm immediately a strange outsider creep#and since i can't really mask my version of masking is just not talking and then obviously you don’t find any joy in fandom spaces either#i will always be a shitty unlikable freak no matter how much i pretend otherwise. it was obvious from the start that getting involved in#fandom spaces was a fucking mistake. it's always a mistake because you're some laughing stock at best and a horrifying freak at worst#i don't blame people for not liking me i've realised what an awful person i am long ago#but it's always so hard witnessing something like fun social groups from the sidelines knowing you'll never be a part of it#this is why my mental state has been deteriorating so severely in the last few months. that Realisation once again nothing fucking changed#i know it's stupid to get so upset over fandom but it's only a pattern for me#i stopped trying to be friends with people when i was a teenager because it hasn't worked a single time#this attempt at integrating myself into the wotr and bg3 fandom by sharing my shit was just one mistake#gortash/zeke is so different from anybody else’s work and i wish i could find joy in something that it isn’t fucking deranged but i can’t#like yes it’s just fandom bullshit! gortash/zeke is a fucking oc x canon ship! why am i getting so upset over it!#i love writing them. i’ve never been this happy writing anything. and it’s entirely indicative of a common pattern in my life#when i earnestly share parts of myself/things i’m passionate about people get creeped out. and honestly? rightfully so#i would leave the discord servers i’m in because it’s fucking crushing me dude. this is so petty but i’m so jealous of what you people have#but in one i am server owner and i don’t want to just dump that responsibility onto someone else and then dip#and in the other two i’m not sure anyone would even notice that i’m gone but i still worry about being rude#though i’m not entirely sure i didn’t get invited to one of those just so people could laugh at me. idk probably just being paranoid but i#it’s been gnawing at me#ok no if i’m being this vulnerable on tunglr.com i can also say that part of me staying is also still having the hope that i could fit in#one day. logically i know it won’t happen but it’s nice to have hope sometimes#watching you all from through the window having fun like a creep#so yeah. i’ve always felt like this but it’s been rapidly getting worse with my failed attempt at the bg3 fandom#idk just been crying non-stop for the last few hours. went through an entire pack of tissues in an hour it’s very disgusting#they’re all lying around me as i’m typing this like a pillowfort of snot lmao#so yeah. idk. if someone could come over and lobotomise me that’d be nice. orin where are you when we need you most#i never had any friends irl so i foolishly gave this a shot. i’m sorry#also doesn’t help that i can see someone dropping me for people that are easier to be around in irl rn#it just hurts because it’s always like that. someone you are around when you have no other option at best. not even that sometimes
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When Diluc gives his heart to someone and genuinely enters a relationship with them, that's it–that's it for him. There will never be any other that could hope to replace them, whether they leave him or they pass on.
#hc; diluc#//He might have his fair share of little crushes here & there; rarer still a one night stand or two (hasn't rlly done that since Snezhnaya)#//But once he's actually in a proper relationship with someone; and he ONLY will do so after a certain level of trust/bond has been forged#//Bc once that is settled...he's truly ALL theirs. His heart settles on them; no wavering nor hesitation#//Forever; until he would draw his final breath#//Doesnt matter if their breakup was the messiest fucken shit or amicable; if they died in the most heartrending way or at peace in his arm#//He will love & adore them even still; no matter what sorts of emotional turmoil the feelings put him through/he tries to hide them behind#///They will HAUNT him; unless he may have them again or he meets an untimely demise and joins them#//There are some cases where he will try to pursue them again; but those are very few and far in between#//Anywho; guess who watched H.B aGAIN#//And the fact that some owls are monogamous for life is a big inspo too nkjgnygkj#//Bro reads abt his family's special birds and was like BET#//I CAN DO THAT TOO#//Nah; I'm kidding#//He just takes love VERY seriously. Extremely so. He saw his father pining for his mother to the end of his days#//And thought to himself THAT is how much love I want to have for someone. THAT is the level of loyalty and affection I ought to hold#//It would take an extremely special case for him to waver on this fact; for him to be able to move on from that previous person#//It's exactly WHY it takes so much trust and rapport between them for him to decide to let himself fully fall for someone#//Bc he knows he will NOT get over them so easily; they hold his heart so precariously in their hands#//He would never truly move to retaliate on them if they broke his heart though. Bc even hurt; he would NEVER want to hurt them in turn#//But yeah; bro would take it SO hard. Esp if he sees them move on too quickly for his taste#//Would carry on his day by day; but BOY would he be aching inside. BOY would his eyes ligner and follow where they'd go#//BOY OH BOY would their name grace his lips;like a silent prayer for their wellbeing; a helpless wish for them to have never left his side#//Bro would PI N E; and pin HARD. Harder than he did BEFORE they got together#//Worst part is he wouldn't be as cautious in letting them back in as he ought to be. He might act guarded; but those are Cardboard defense#//He may be sterner and more stoic than everyone who knew him growing up saw him as; but he is still the softhearted loving boy he was then
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#.............................#..............#man...i was hoping this crush i have would fade back to friendship if i stopped talking eith her for a bit#vut i just feel so sad at how little i r been talking to her#it doesn't help some shits been going down in the fandom space we share and ive just been so tired#i feel this attraction to her ive never felt so strongly before#i need to talk to her more again maybe ask her about her day and stuff#but i know i need to keep this platonic#its not going to work between us i know it. and i cant risk the rejection.#vent
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i remember it being hinted in the manga that aki went to public school, what would student aki be like? 🤔
yes!! I'm glad you noticed that detail!!! when aki says, "you learn that in school," to denji... and seems really shocked when he finds out denji never went to school... which implies that he did......
I think aki probably went to school for the bare necessities, considering he became a devil hunter when he was a teenager. he split his focus between studying and training, working under kishibe, where he learned self-defense and sword fighting. he worked as hard as possible on his studies to make sure he'd graduate early and be able to become a devil hunter in no time.
he would definitely be seen as a hard working student, even if he doesn't get any of the top scores. his teachers like him because he's quiet. but he's a little rude, closed off and hard to approach. kids would assume he was a loner because they never saw him hanging out or walking home with anyone. they passed around rumors about him being an orphan, about how his family died in the gun devil attack.
even though there were many others like him, it made him feel like an outcast. but it also just pushed him to work himself even harder.
#I feel like his teachers would be much more gentle on him knowing his situation#he can be a little rude and blunt but he never gets into trouble#it also makes me wonder where aki lived after his family died and his house was destroyed#he wouldn't have any possessions anymore#I always assumed the government stepped in to help people who were stranded after the gun devil attack#I thought about aki living in an orphanage or foster home#his schooling is free and his devil hunting lessons are also free#rude loner student aki... imagine having a crush on him as a student and then meeting him again when you're an adult#or imagine getting paired with him on a group project and you learn about how dire his situation actually is#how he struggles a lot more than he lets show#and you decide to bring extra food to share with him at lunch so he won't go hungry#or lend some of your clothes to him since he doesn't have many#aaaahhhhhgggrgrghhehegrgrhhrhr#ask mags
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trying to decide if i want to show the counselor/therapist my self insert art or not djdkslsl I think it is too obvious that it's Me to ever be able to say "hey look at this cute art i did of two random characters neither of which are me or in any way connected to me :o)" but AUGHGHGH she wants to see more art of mine and most of my art recently (ALL of my art so far this year i think) has been selfship stuff,,,
#i dont think she'd judge but its just... trauma stuff fjdkdl#i am not ''allowed'' to have feelings for anyone ever fjdkdl i am not allowed to feel these things#its amazing I've been able to share selfship stuff at all even relatively anonymously on here tbh sjdkdld#the one time i put up any sort of poster/photos of a couple musicians i rly enjoyed (and wasnt crushing on at all lol) i was put thru hell#just for having a person's face up on my bedroom wall as part of a collage with my art and stuff#so fjfjdkl i never did that again and any selfship stuff w fictional characters has been a guilty secret until last year fjfkdl#WHICH HONESTLY. IS RLY GOOD PROGRESS I GUESS IN SOME WAY?#once again selfshipping and the community has somehow helped me more than any mental health professional ever has LMAO#okay im sharing too much and rambling but dhdksl decisions decisions... i have some art saved to show her maybe#I'll just delete the selfship art out of that phone photo folder if i decide i dont want to share it djdkdl#i would like to though bc goddamn I've made some rly good stuff the past couple months djdkdl#and i never get to share my art w ppl irl so fjfkdl AUGH#dandy.cmd
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editing down my tob gameplay but only keeping the parts where i ramble about xan and radri and how they're each other's source of light and wonder but each only thinks that it goes one way
#xan being fully aware that he's a morale killer w/o his spells & yet finding that somehow his presence can cheer her as a person not a mage#radri thinking that the best way she can exist is to erase herself but finding that actually her company can be a positive and wanted thing#radri showing him theres more to life than death and xan showing her the wonders and beauty in what would be the mundane#--wonders and beauty that he never truly appreciated before her and now finds more precious through wanting to share it with her#look in their own heads they are still that lonely child surrounded by books#but to the other they are a source of wonder and support and love and happiness#still thinking abt xan's 'you wouldnt have noticed me as a child; i always had my nose in a book'#my guy u think the lonely girl who grew up in a book archive wouldnt notice the loner boy who chose books over socializing...#that said xan is defensive enough that i fully believe he wouldve scared her away if they met as kids#it wouldve been a 'she's too pretty and nice to be talking to me this must be a joke at my expense' scenario#meanwhile radri is of such average charisma to most ppl that she's like 'this response must somehow be my fault in particular'#50 years later xan would state offhand that he used to have a crush on her and she'd be like but u always avoided me??#and he would be like yes obviously. i couldn't handle the emotional toll of potentially experiencing your judgment#then he would say 'i'm better now' and then in 2 weeks immediately start avoiding her again because his feelings awoke again from slumber#sovo note
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ok heres what happens.
#saiki has that crush on satou throughout highschool. ok we know that.#thats one sided and it never goes anywhere#saiki and akechi go to the same university. and while im not sure if i can describe it as romance#they do end up with a Weird Gay Thing going on yk#but ultimately they don't actually end up in a long term relationship. they're besties tho#teruhashi actively chooses to try to live averagely like saiki. she definitely doesn't become an actress or that kind of famous because#she doesn't want to be heavily associated with her brother. and maybe after saiki reveals he had powers she's inspired by that idk.#she's still perfect and popular and stands out in a crowd and she gets extra angel points for trying to live normally#bc ppl go omg so humble we expect nothing less 🥺#although aiming for average saiki likes comfort so when they eventually cross paths again as adults they get closer#neither are attracted to most people but they share an undying respect and appreciation for each other and#idk if they ever fall in love romantically. i suppose they could. but they do get married regardless because they're like#well we're both 30 and single and comfortably well off. might as well. but its not a bad marriage or anything they're both happy with this#and again maybe they do fall in love idk#this is what post canon looks like in my head and if you disagree... thats cool idc#saikechi is gay college shenanigans and a connection that doesn't die#terusai is predictable normalcy averageness. and thats fine
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Unresolved sexual tension you say… maybe they should do something about it
that's what I'm suggesting!! 😌
#aaaaaaahh it's 'friends crushing on each other not knowing what to do about it' hours again 🥺#they try to ignore it at first because 😩😩😩 they shouldn't be feeling like this in the first place 😭#but there's _something_ that constantly keeps pulling them together and eventually they can no longer deny it...#maybe it starts as making out on tour and tbf that doesn't even count right?? what happens on tour stays on tour#it's like an alternate universe. a bubble if you will#and whatever happens late at night in aleksi's studio is none of anyone's business either#it's their hiding place alright if no one can see what they did it never happened#and yeah maybe no one did see but EVERYONE can see the tension between them at every turn#the innocent flirting the long looks the freezing under the other's touch the whole lot#but also the softness and the sharing of clothes and the head on the other's shoulder 🥺#and everyone else is like ''🙄 oh come on just get it on already''#and they want to!! they really really want to but they're so so scared 😭#ollixallu#answered asks#anon asks
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The interaction probably went something like this
#it’s never nice to hear that your crush on someone is obvious#I can’t keep mine secret 😔 I act super goofy#the crush I liked for years told me he knew I had gotten a crush on him because I repeated the exact same actions from the first time we#really got to talk#I came in prepared with a whole camera album (in phone) of photos I thought he would like and I wanted to share cause they reminded me of hi#HE WAS INTO SONIC#IT WAS ALL SOMIC RELATED PHOTOS#after he mentioned it I never did it again#i just liked that he actually payed attention to me and was really nice to mE (he then preceded to be kind of a self interested that year)#😓 I may love a little too hard it’s super cringey#Stardew Valley: Poochencia Farm#scribbles#myshane♥️#farmer mys
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girl help i am either in love with nobody or in love with everybody and my brain doesn't fucking make sense
#like idk im like. very affectionate and want to share this affection in a way that means something but also#i don't like the idea of 'this person is your number 1 and above everything else' bc like#it just feels foreign??? to me???#idk unless im like hyperfixating on a person which is awful and i never wanna do ever again for anybody around me's sake#like i guess i shouldn't make any decisions about my sexuality before ive been in at least one real meaningful relationship and but like#idk i really care about the guy i think i have feelings for i dont wanna pull any triggers unless i know it really is for me yanno?#like yea ive edated before and like no offence to ppl happily in an LDR online but#its just. different from an irl thing#and even then i was like 16 the last time i thought i had a crush on someone#and i know full well that 95% of my teenage 'crushes' were just me really liking a friend and thinking i wanted to date them#but like no i was just a jealous teenager and wanted my pals to hang out with me more than others LMAO
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#and so i came back here. because in here i can find joy and sorrow. laugh a little and cry a lot because someone made a post i resonate with#it makes me feels understood. a private and intimate place that is also shared at the same time. and strangely; like a home#but i came back without knowing who i am. I see someone else in the mirror. Is that a monster? a sinner? a human? a normal man?#after all that effort leaving depression and self hate from my adolescence behind. from being proud of myself for being different to all me#was all a lie? how could i do such awful and terrible thing to the person i swore to protect? the person i love the most#i said i would never do that kind of unforgivable act. And here i am. Alive after the event. I want to drop dead. To dissapear from here.#But at the same time i want to fix what i did. in order to do that i need to heal. to change. be happy. to live. and i hate it#how can i do all of that with the weight of guilt crushing me and telling me i killed myself that day? i am just a shell of who i was#how to change what i thought was the best version of me? i was supposed to be different no harmful and kind man!!!#i already asked for help. and they told me it was not all my fault. But i still think it is. There is no way it can be 50/50#physical actions are only responsibility of the ones who made it. circumstances are not a reason to diminish them guilt#a confused person is not deserving of any part of the guilt. they do not have control over themselves. but the other ones sure have it#yes. they might have started and added little physical actions. but i refused and it never came to completion. which is the opposite of min#physical trauma can spawn emotional and mental trauma as well. is way more bad and deep that the emotional one i might have#i want to kill that trash in front of the mirror. why are you still living bitch? just to be a parasite and hurt people on the go?#to make irreversible mistakes that affects every person around you? your decisions never end well. why do not you just give up already?#and yet here i am. trying to not isolate myself thanks to the safe place i found here. I can write what is on my mind. gives me some relief#because the only person i talked everyday is the same one i hurted as i never thought i would in my life#Hope i can found redemption one day. I hope they can heal and be happy soon and forever.#I am going to always be worry about them (i am sure of that) but i wish nothing but the best for them. I want nothing to hurt them again.#They never deserved the trauma and guilt. They suffered more than enough way before i step in and fucked up everything.#Life. if you can hear me. Please give them recovery. happyness. health and lots of love. They deserve it. Please#They did nothing wrong! Take them pain away and put it in me. I will stay alive just for that if is neccesary#I wanted to kill myself way long ago. but i still here. I might want to kill myself again. but i still will be here.#Just leave them be happy. That is what i really want
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