#this is definitely the most surreal timeline

[absolutebl]

It is WILD to me that GMMTV is fielding OffGun AND TayNew in the same quarter

That Last Twilight is airing AS WELL

That they optioned 3 JBLs

That The Sign is up there licking kicking ass and taking names (and Saint is behind it!)

That there's a high heat omegaverse BL staring Pavel

That there are 20 BLs airing right now and none of them Korean.

With 5 VAMPIRE BLs announced for next year

Thailand legit looked at 2023 and thought "yeah but we could make it worse better weirder"

[watchtowerindistress]

the empath and the eldritch horror (1/5) - ben hargreeves x empath!reader

Summary: Number 8 challenged him. Ben just needed to decide if he liked it or not. Nope, definitely hated it. There was no way in hell he actually liked the little Empath.

Word count: 3.1k

Series masterlist

Warnings: sparrow!ben is a warning in itself, language, violence, mental abuse (y'know Reginald's usual schtick)

Author’s note: I'm merely writing moments in the lives of these characters, since I don't know all the quotes. So the chapters are going to feel like snippets/best moments. I made this series shorter than I expected, but I'm cramming everything together as I wanted. (Set in S3)

I didn't feel like doing a lot of world-building, to be honest. I'm aware this isn't my best work, sorry, my depression makes me tired. I just realized when I wrote that dojo scene that I liked Sparrow!Ben so much because he reminded me of an older version of Damian Wayne. 😅 Please be gentle 🤗 I've never written for this fandom before. You want to be tagged or untagged, let me know. As always, comments and reblogs are very much appreciated.

“Where the hell is my brother?”

Your determined voice carried to the departing backs of Ben and Fei. Even walking through those corridors in this strange timeline felt utterly surreal. Not to mention, profoundly strange seeing this older version of Ben. After remembering the pictures of when he was still alive.

So, you could only compare this version with the stories Klaus loved to tell. A funny mess. And most of the time a little shit.

Judging by the sarcastic look Ben threw over his shoulder before he fully turned his body, this version of Ben certainly was willing to stir some trouble.

Ben smirked. Fei copied his arrogant demeanor next to him, silently watching this exchange.

“Relax, we just want to have a little chat, and then we’re done with you two.”

Just hearing him talk so unceremoniously about your lives like that simmered something inside you. Like the two of you didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Like Luther and you were barely a blip on their radar.

Your face contorted with anger. To infuriate him just a tad, with the way he infuriated you with his callous words, your body barely leaned forward.

“We’re not things you can just dispose of once we served our purpose.”

Ben tilted his head. There was something fascinating about rendering someone like him speechless for a moment. You weren’t foolish enough to think you were getting to him. Your fingertips twirled behind your back to get a grasp on Ben’s emotions, only to sense something akin to a daze tingling under the surface. Not trusting your own empathetic powers what you detected was real.

Barely turning his head, Ben spoke to Fei with a certain voice. “I can handle this one.”

Fei smirked to herself before murmuring, “I’m sure you do,” and leaving Ben on his own.

He laced his fingers behind his back while playfully dancing on the back of his feet. Ben pursed his lips. “Something I can help you with?”

“How about being the responsible one by having a real conversation instead of using people for your benefit by literally abducting them, huh?”

Ben nodded repetitively, like he couldn’t care less about anyone’s feelings. “Right.” He narrowed his eyes in thought. “What’s the name of the big guy again?”

You conjured a patient smile. “Luther. You know, your brother from another timeline?”

Ben crossed his arms, revealing a crooked smile. “As everyone keeps telling me. I wouldn’t call it an abduction,” he exhaled tiredly, shrugging slightly.

“Are we allowed to leave?”

Ben pursed his lips. “I think he’s starting to like it here. And, you know, you seem seconds away from falling for our charms. We do have things to offer that your precious Umbrellas can only dream of.”

Mocking laughter erupted from your chest before Ben joined in. “Right. Wow, someone’s really sold on themselves.”

“I mean, calling it an abduction? Sounds kinda judgmental, don’t you think?”

You clenched your jaw. Remembering Luther’s emotions brought you back to the park, like they were your own. “I felt his desperation ahead of me,” you replied, deciding to remind him.

At the mention, Ben pointed at you, remembering. “So, you’re the emotional one, huh? What’s your number again?”

“I’m not just a number, Hargreeves.” You placed your hands on your hips. “Not surprised that you would deem something like empathy barely a power. I’d like to see you handle an anxiety attack when I’m done with you.”

Ben waved his arms at his sides. His aura was literally shimmering with excitement as he smirked widely. “Oh, don’t threaten me with a good time.”

You rolled your eyes. It seemed like this version of Ben felt drawn to any sort of mischief, the more the better. “And I thought Klaus was the crazy one,” you muttered under your breath. With a normal voice, you inquired, “Where’s Luther?”

“Probably in the kitchen still miserably failing at charming the pants off Sloane.”

A sigh left you when you mutely walked away towards the direction of Fei’s departure. Truth be told, only to get away from Ben faster.

You had already walked away with brisk steps when Ben’s arrogant sing-song voice made you regret all your life choices. “Other way.”

You instantly turned, while grumbling under your breath, “Fucking smart-ass.” You didn’t need to spare him a glance to feel Ben’s arrogant joy coming off of him in waves when he leaned back against the wall, crossing his arms in delight.

“You know where to find me if you want to work on those powers of yours, … Number Eight.” Ben chuckled with mirth.

Self-loathing rippled through you just a tad for not letting your power detect Luther’s aura through the mansion to avoid this embarrassing situation altogether. And you blamed yourself for underestimating him. For thinking Ben wouldn’t have interrogated Luther about you.

“So, this is what you guys are doing in your free time, huh?”

Ben’s eyes remained closed when he performed his tai chi movements in the dojo, not letting himself appear to be ruffled by your presence.

“This tells me everything I need to know about your squadron of Umbrellas. How does it feel wasting your day away, not improving?”

You remained unfazed by his choice of insults. In the end, you were used to Reginald’s mental abuse. Your eyes followed his movements, content with watching his little ritual while leaning with your shoulder against the pillar.

“Depends. What’s it feel like when you’re not being a mascot for a Hargreeves empire?”

Ben scoffed in derision. “You think you can distract me?”

Grateful for his answer, you smiled in pure delight before sitting cross-legged on the middle of the training mat. “Oh, I know I am. Besides, I wanted to take you up on that offer which was made by a helpful Ben.”

He scoffed, shaking his head. “Don’t ever call me that. You’re delusional for thinking I want to help you.”

You dramatically pressed your hand to your chest. “‘Oh, Y/N, I just can’t live with myself if something happened to you. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you safe, even if that means helping you advance your powers.’”

Forced laughter erupted from Ben’s chest. “Har har, and I thought Sundance was the hilarious one.”

“Klaus.” You reminded him diligently.

Ben rolled his eyes. “Whatever, Empath.”

You were strangely getting used to this Ben and felt truly like you were having a grand ol' time with him. Even if that meant ruffling his feathers. “You want to know what I think?”

“No,” Ben muttered with a gruff voice.

You continued as if you hadn’t heard him, “Someone’s really pretending that they don’t care about anyone or anything. Or, second theory-”

“I’m on the edge of my seat,” Ben interrupted you wryly.

“Maybe you don’t mind a distraction to take your mind off things.”

This time around, Ben turned to face you before he knelt down. Leaning over you until you could feel his warm breath on your skin. “You think you’re so smart, don’t you?”

“I’m the emotional one, remember?” You whispered before you pursed your lips when a thought hit you. “Not to mention, I can feel your curiosity, with a smidge of you itching for a fight.”

Ben snorted. “You’re adorable for thinking you can take me in a fight-”

An angelic smile tugged at your mouth. Your fingers brushed against his bare chest which was revealed underneath the dark robe. Your fingertips tingled before you let your power come to the surface.

The golden shimmer enshrouded Ben’s chest, pulling him backwards. No matter how many times you had done it before, your hands cautiously studied his aura once you heard his heavy breathing.

You still whispered soothingly, “That’s the sensation you get for being close to fainting. That feeling of vertigo tormenting your body and like your head can’t get enough air.”

The caring side of you stroked Ben’s feverish forehead until the dizzying spell lessened and was finally relieved.

You swallowed once you met Ben’s darkened gaze. He stared at you with glittering eyes, like he was truly seeing you for the first time. Ben licked his lips. “I think … I might have some use for you after all.”

“You may not know this, but my power doesn’t work like a medium,” you said, nervously rubbing your thighs to stimulate your senses.

Ben sighed, massaging the bridge of his nose. The Sparrow had changed back into a shirt after the impromptu training session. He leaned forward and warned through clenched teeth. “Do you want to be of help, or not? Get this done, and you and your brother can go back to whatever shithole you stay at.”

“Not with this type of energy in the room.” You widened your eyes at Ben’s glowering ones to make your point. Before long you sat down on Marcus’ bed, with a bored Fei leaning against the door jamb.

Ben’s sister twiddled her manicured fingernails. “Is this a waste of time?”

He clenched his jaw, facing her. “No, it’s not. I know what she can do.”

“Aww, Benny-boo, you believe in me. That’s so cute. Who knew you had a heart?”

Fei smirked, tilting her head. “Not me.”

“You guys are hilarious. Are we done with the ‘band together against Ben today’? I’m doing whatever it takes to locate Marcus here and you two are not helping with the situation.”

You pressed your lips together at Ben’s all too serious demeanor. “Just trying to lighten the mood since your tense atmosphere isn’t helping with the task at hand.”

Ben shared a close-lipped smile, caging your body in on the bed. Despite his threatening air, you remained steadfast and didn’t move an inch.

“Do you mind just doing the thing before I lose my mind and let my tentacles do the talking?”

You narrowed your eyes. Ben needed to work on his lacking social skills, if his only resort were threats. “Say please?”

You could breathe easier again when Ben straightened his body and crossed his arms. “Keep dreaming.”

You exhaled heavily. Half the time he was fun to talk to and other times, he wore you out. “Just give me something of his that holds emotional value,” you mentioned, patiently waiting. The awkward silence confused you to no end. Ben and Fei exchanged glances among each other.

“Why is nothing happening?”

Ben turned to Fei. “Get Sloane.”

His sister tilted her head, challenging him. “Oh, I can just summon my crows.”

The muscles on Ben’s arms tensed before his jaw clenched with his next words. “Fei, take a walk.”

Her shoulder shook with mirth when Fei left with relaxed steps.

Ben’s sarcastic voice pulled you back to him. “I’m guessing giving you one of his leather jackets wouldn’t count, right?”

Your elbows supported you when you settled back. “Wouldn’t get the desired effect. So, let me guess, you guys are just numbers and soldiers?”

Ben shrugged, leaning his hip against the cabinet. “Gets the job done.”

“And you’re content with that?”

“It’s the only thing that matters.”

You didn’t believe him for a second. Or at least, you couldn’t imagine someone being satisfied with being so shallow. “Right. Because being associated to a number is all that matters.”

Ben smirked crookedly. “Oh, there’s nothing better.”

“Right, Number Two,” you added, trying to get to him.

“You trying to flirt with me, Eight?”

You rolled your eyes, retorting, “You wish.”

Ben chuckled, pondering to himself. “Who’d have thought? Maybe I prefer calling you Empath more than Eight. It’s pretty close though.”

You shook your head, feeling your cheeks blush at being more intertwined with that status of Empath than a generic number. “You’re weird.”

The mood of his aura changed to something unfamiliar. At least to someone like Ben. He cleared his throat. “So,…”

“So…?” You teasingly copied him, putting the side of your head against your shoulder, watching his reaction.

Ben crossed his arms. “What was he like?”

“Our Ben? Why do you want to know?” To you, it seemed strange for someone like him to inquire about his alternate version.

He eyed something outside the window. “Just curious, I guess,” Ben said, still not looking at you.

“Why don’t you ask Klaus or the others? I only met Ben after he was dead.”

“Wait, what?” That finally got a reaction out of Ben when he rapidly turned his head to stare at you with a peculiar gaze.

You sighed, remembering the circumstances of you meeting your siblings for the first time. “Reginald called me ‘the replacement’.”

Maybe this was ultimately his plan to ostracize you from the others by using that term. At least, you had Diego and Luther at your side. Klaus soon joined that tight-knit little circle once you confided in feeling that sensation of an unfamiliar aura wandering the halls of the manor.

Sometimes it still hurt how everything progressed. Your siblings emanating their grief onto you didn’t bother you. It was their apathy, that they didn’t care about you.

“I was taken in after Ben’s death. I could only feel his aura around after he was dead. I can sense who someone is in a way. Feel what kind of a person they are. Ben was always…” You pondered deeply how to describe someone like him. How to condense someone’s life and traits into the essence of someone.

“Kind, intelligent, mostly mischievous.” You smiled fondly, whispering quietly, “I could never replace him even if I tried.”

You didn’t know what it was about your gaze that made the Sparrow avoid it again. With the shaking of your head, you dispelled your thoughts. The new aura close by tickling your fingertips was a fitting distraction.

You glanced towards the open door. “Hey, Sloane.”

Seconds later, said woman poked her head into the room, smiling with a delighted air. “Neat party trick.”

An expectant Ben raised his eyebrows, interrupting any further carefree moments. “Sloane, Marcus’ favorite stuff he liked to touch?”

You felt inclined to add something else before more inquiries could arise. “In other words, yes. Or something that mattered to him.”

“There should be a book in his nightstand.”

That was the only mention Ben needed before he opened the drawer. Ben shook his head with a scoff, inspecting the worn edition. He showed his sisters the found evidence. “Are you kidding me? The Velveteen Rabbit?”

Sloane waved her open palms soothingly. “Remember we just want Marcus back.”

“What a nerd,” he grumbled, carelessly giving you the book.

“Says you? It’s a timeless classic,” you admonished Ben lightly before reaching for the hardcover edition.

Ben smirked. “I rest my case.” He furrowed his brows when a second thought hit him. “And what did you just say to me?”

You chose to ignore Ben’s little angry outburst when Sloane sat next to you on the bed. “Will it be enough for you to build a psychic connection?”

You closed your eyes, trying to hone in on the source. With your fingertips brushing along the spine of the book, your search for the truth was soon answered with the first memory remnants hitting you. Shivers coursed through your body at the sensation of Marcus’ memories filling your mind like they were your own.

There was an abundance of wishful thinking contained into the book, the craving of a different reality when Marcus’ birth mother granted him this first and last gift.

“It should suffice,” you said assuredly. With a calming sigh, you leaned your head back against the pillows. The book was held tightly in your grip.

“Yeah, sure. Have a nap, why don’t you? Something else you need? Maybe some soothing music, a face mask?”

Your eyes remained closed when you murmured, “Ben Hargreeves.” To get the message across, you made a quiet coyote signal. Hoping it would calm his frayed nerves.

A ripple of Ben’s undignified frustration wafted through the air. His only answer was a harrumphing noise.

You stirred your head, biting your lip in confusion. “I can feel a strong enough remnant, but I should be able to sense his location.”

“What are you saying?” Ben inquired tightly.

You chose your next words carefully. “I’m saying, … I can’t feel Marcus.”

“What does this mean?” Fei’s strained voice shared Ben’s sentiment. “Are you saying he’s dead? Abducted?”

At last, you opened your eyes. The perplexity of this unsolved mystery still plaguing your mind even after. It was more than nerve-wracking. “I’m saying that I should be able to find him, but I can’t. It’s like he just … vanished.”

The air crackled with hostility. Anxiously, you swallowed, staring straightforward. You jumped back when Ben’s wrath reached you.

Holding you down with his tentacles, with one of them slinging around your throat. Tightly but menacingly enough to spell out his primal urges. Ben’s body draped over yours. Fury blazed in his darkened eyes. “Now, Umbrella, I’m done with your little mind games.”

Sloane stood behind Ben’s shoulder, raising her voice. “Ben, let go.”

“Not until I find out what her family has done to him.”

With a hoarse voice, you implored darkly, “Listen to your sister before your Cthulu tentacles get the memo about me too.” As a warning, you gripped the surprisingly smooth appendage around your throat.

You cursed your curious mind for even harboring the thought of wanting to know how the tentacle’s skin would feel like.

Ben’s smile grew tighter, the more his eldritch monster’s hold intensified. “Try me, Eight.”

Summoning empathetic energy from within to converse it as a kinetic shield, you blasted him against the cabinet and leaving small splinters of wood on the carpet.

With a grunting noise, Ben’s tentacles drew back into his body. “Alright,” he murmured reluctantly. Ben dragged his body upwards until he was leaning against the furniture for support. He offered a blood-stained smile in reverence before he wiped off the crimson evidence from his lips. “Little minx.”

A dull thud resounded when you dropped the book on the duvet. You stood up and with a quiet voice you told Ben in no uncertain terms, “Don’t ever threaten me again.”

Remembering the company of Ben’s sisters and the result of your outburst, you awkwardly glanced at them before your feet led you towards the open door.

Wordlessly, Fei turned her body to make room. Her gaze roamed over your body with fondness after your display of power. As soon as you left the room, her dry voice remarked, “I’d consider this a success.”

Tagging: @cherryinsalemverse @mellowstatesmanhandsempath @ravenmoore14 @blackmagicwoman @lelaamela

[insanityclause]

When Tom Hiddleston landed his career-changing role in Marvel’s Thor back in April 2009, he never dreamed he would be playing the character for nearly 15 years. To be fair, no one did—except maybe Marvel’s mastermind Kevin Feige, who had begun laying the cinematic groundwork for a multi-billion dollar franchise. At the time, Hiddleston happily threw himself into extensive research and prep to play the duplicitous brother of Thor (Chris Hemsworth).  “I was cast in April 2009, and I had about eight months to build the character from the ground up,” Hiddleston says on this week’s Little Gold Men. “So that was a deep dive into everything Loki from any comic book, any Norse myth, any saga, everything—from the whole run of Marvel comics to the ancient Scandinavian stories, and how he pops up in The Ring cycle for Wagner, and Jim Carrey is wearing the mask of Loki in The Mask.” Hiddleston was trying to discover “this sense of, what's Loki's impact on human imagination and culture? And then synthesizing all of that into the story we’re telling. That was such a delightful period of discovery and curiosity.”

Hiddleston’s scene-stealing portrayal made him an instant fan favorite, laying a formidable foundation for a character who went on to appear in six more films and the stand-alone series Loki. The two-season series threw the character into a new dimension and timeline, stripped him of all his creature comforts, and gave the actor new challenges to tackle.

“In successive iterations, [my approach] has been, how do I keep it interesting?” he says. “I genuinely say this to myself and to others: ‘We're not reheating yesterday's meal in the microwave. We're cooking up something new.’ It's trying to find new ingredients or new challenges for the character, for us as actors, so that it feels like the same person is growing. Because that's what human beings do. They don't stay the same, they grow. Sometimes they regress, but there's always movement.”

Hiddleston has gone on to star in a wide array of projects outside the Marvel universe, of course, from his Emmy-nominated, Golden Globe-winning work in The Night Manager to Jim Jarmusch’s acclaimed romantic vampire drama Only Lovers Left Alive and Steven Spielberg’s epic War Horse. But he’s definitely spent the most time with the God of Mischief. And though no official announcement has been made, the final episode of Loki season two strongly indicates the closing of a formative chapter.

The actor and executive producer stopped by Little Gold Men for a thoughtful discussion about the gift of developing and playing a single character for so long, the surreal fun of working with drama school classmates turned costars Gugu Mbatha-Raw and Wunmi Mosaku, and getting to come up with the character's last line (for now). Listen below, where you can also read excerpts from the conversation.

Vanity Fair: Did the series version of Loki feel a little more stripped down, or did you have the same kind of mindset playing him as you did in the films? Tom Hiddleston: Yes. I think it was stripped down literally in the sense of taking away the costume, but stripped down spiritually and in his soul. I thought [the concept] was such a brilliant idea, and it wasn't mine. It was [executive producers] Michael Waldron and Kevin Wright, and the great and the good at Marvel Studios. I thought for any character, if you were presented with your life and watching a kind of highlight reel of it, what would it add up to? Would it be satisfying? Would it be meaningful? Would it be amusing? Would it be disappointing? And I thought to do that with Loki especially, as it's the journey of a life that the audience is familiar with, but he hasn't seen it. I just thought it was a brilliant conceit. And then I leaned into this idea of the leopard being challenged to change his spots. Because you'd have to if your life ended up in murder by Thanos and humiliation. You'd want to try something new.

And that was really fun, developing a story which was actually very philosophical. It asks the question of Loki, as I hope it asks the question of all of us: Are we in control of the course of our lives? Do we have any free will, and can we break free from any kind of predetermination? It seemed like a great question, and a fun way to ask it.

You’re also an executive producer on the series. How did you take on that role? What did you get to do?

Honestly, it was such an honor and I loved it. I loved the extra imagining and problem solving. I was invited into the writer's room really early, season one, even earlier on season two. And to borrow the words from Lin Manuel Miranda, to be in the room where it happens, and to sit around the table and break story and crunch through the great creative ‘what if’ questions—what if Loki did this? What if Mobius [Owen Wilson] did that? What if they couldn't find Sylvie? What if the TVA ran on an energy source, and it wasn't energy, it was time?

Can you take any credit for bringing Ke Huy Kwan or your RADA buddies Gugu Mbatha-Raw and Wunmi Mosaku on board? I love that that was a little bit of a through-line, that you all got to work together.

Well, when their names came up, Gugu and Wunmi particularly, I was able to say, those guys are great. And Ke was just an amazing idea because actually, [his character] Ouroboros was coming to life on the page. Somebody suggested Ke, and Everything Everywhere All At Once had just come out. And I was like, genius: somebody call him now before we lose him. He was so joyful and optimistic and happy to be there, so honored to be there. He'd wanted to be in a Marvel project his whole life, I think, and, and he brought everything and more to that character.

The day he landed, he came from the airport straight to the studio, probably thinking, ‘I'll just say hello and go back to my digs.’ And Owen and I were actually rehearsing the scene before Mobius and Loki meet OB for the first time. And he came in and he listened. And then we got to the bit where we were like, ‘You're in the next bit. Do you want to do it?’ He said ‘Okay!’ And he stayed and rehearsed for three hours. I think he felt completely crazy having just [traveled] across the continents, but it was so brilliant. And the chemistry was so immediate between the three of us, and so funny. We all love Ke.

Thinking about your journey with this character and all the places he has taken you, has there been a surreal aspect to it? I think about you being in drama school with Gugu and Wunmi—now you're getting paid to play.

It's a wonderful question, and I'm never unaware of the great gift that this job is. Especially because it happens all the time,: I go out into the world and I meet young people or children, and they're so amazed that they’re meeting Loki. I'm obviously not Loki, but the response is so immediate and so emotional and so joyful. What a gift. It's the best job in the world. And I never dreamed back then that I would be part of something with such reach and for so long. It just is the most unlikely, surprising, delightful thing. And we—Wunmi and Gugu I've known for a long time. It is amazing to look and go, ‘Can you believe we're here, we're doing this?’ It is exciting too, because it feels right in some way and they're great actors. They are brilliant.

Do you get recognized as the character, or are people starting to recognize you for your other work?

Oh, it's always different. I went to a friend's birthday party the other day—a friend and his wife, both turning the same age. They got a taco stand. I went to get my taco and the guys were like, ‘Only Lovers Left Alive, man. Love that film.’ And I said, ‘Thank you very much. That's very kind.’ Some people say The Night Manager. Some people stop me in the street and go, ‘It's you! You're the dancer.’ And they're referring to some talk show, some bit of dancing I did on a talk show from like a thousand years ago, which really tickles me.

Speaking of dancing, I wanted to bring up your physicality. With the most recent season of Loki in particular and that time slip, did you have to have massages and stretch after? Because it seems like such a jarring movement.

It's jerky, yes. I had to put my body under a kind of relentless physical stress. But I think it pays off in the way it's presented. In terms of movement and physicality, it comes from my own admiration for other performers when I sense that there is a really, alive and visceral physicality in the performance. Some of people are great actors, very cerebral, very intelligent, but sometimes not always fully embodied. And I love the actors who are giving me a sense that the whole body is occupying whichever space that is. They could be on a horse, they could be driving a car, they could have just run in through the jungle. I don't know, it could be anything, but a real sense of physicality is always something I admire in other actors.

One of my favorite things in doing a little research about your work on this season was that you got to craft Loki’s last lin,e and it also maybe came from going on a run. Can you talk about that? Well, first on running, I love it and it is a big part of my life. And a big part of my creative life. Running outside, in space, in the world with only your own legs to carry you and your own breath to fuel you, I find incredibly freeing. And it's where I do some of my best thinking and dreaming and imagining. Things bubble up from inside you. So I often run at the beginning of a day, very early and with an awareness of what's coming, what the scenes of the day are. Sometimes things will bubble up. And maybe that's just extra oxygen in the brain, who knows? 

But to the point about that last line: one of the things I kept trying to guide our team back to was that the whole series, both seasons, was really about finding purpose, or re-finding, re-defining, re-discovering a sense of purpose. And I think a primal need in all of us, is that we need our lives to mean something. So I kept coming back to this line from The Avengers, ‘I am Loki of Asgard and I am burdened with glorious purpose.’ And we kept thinking, well, if Loki has a second chance, he gets to redefine his purpose or re-imagine it. I went for a run and was listening to some film scores, and it was a beautiful day. I was thinking about the journey of playing this character and where it started, and all the people that I have had the great good fortune to work with and become friends with—that completely unique kind of soul-sharing relationship where you make something together. And I remembered the end of the first Thor film, and how emotional that felt and. I just suddenly thought, that's what he should say—but it should mean something completely different. Loki's last line in Thor, directed by Kenneth Branagh, is, ‘I could have done it, Father. I could have done it for you, for all of us.’ And of course his effort to gain his father's pride has been misguided and ill thought-out. And then at the end of Loki season 2, 14 years later, he turns to Mobius and Sylvie and says, ‘I know what I want I know what kind of god I need to be. For you. For all of us.’ It felt very resonant somehow. I hope the audience picked up on that.

Are you able to just say goodbye when it's wrap time, or do you have any sort of meditative, formal way of saying goodbye to a project or a character?

That's such a good question. I think it's a very honest, immediate feeling of relief, which they say is the most intense human emotion. You'd think it was anger or grief or something, but actually relief is—the way relief kind of washes through you, and a sense of finality that some finish line has been crossed and there are no more miles to run. And for me anyway, huge amounts of energy have been stored inside myself which had been poured out over time—over maybe 20 weeks or however many months. 

I love that feeling of completeness. The great joy of what I do for a living is that it involves very intense, very close working with a team. And the pride that you can feel with your teammates, with your crew, with your cast—you just hang around and say goodbye, but it never really is goodbye. And there's just a sense of, like, “that'll do, pig,” you know? Yeah: that'll do, pig.

[heatwa-ves]

what actually happens in the zelda games?? i had a friend who loved breath of the wild but i have no clue what the actual plot is lol

In very vague terms the series revolves around the triforce which is this holy power created by the goddesses and it looks like three triangles making up a bigger triangle and each represents courage wisdom and power and there's these three guys link zelda and ganon who have one of those triforce attributes respectively and there's like 30 games or something and most involve link as the hero zelda who helps you out sometimes she's kidnapped and you have to save her sometimes she's a pirate sometimes she's just chilling sometimes she's even a lesbian and once in the most recent game she's the main playable character... And then ganon is the villain. Most of the time but sometimes he's not. Anyway the first game in the timeline has the first ever zelda and link and at the end of the game link defeats this primordial evil who puts a curse on all their bloodlines that the three of them are forever tied together and there will always be a link a zelda and a ganon/various other evil guy in every timeline etc.

anyway the actual plot of each game varies a lot we've got link washes up on an island that becomes more and more surreal as you learn more about it we have link travels to a parallel world and gets cursed a bunch and uses the masks of dead people to transform into them and stop the moon from crashing into the world and destroying everything in a timeloop we have link turns into a wolf and has a lesbian sidekick who's actually a princess from another realm and definitely has a thing going on with princess zelda we have the whole world floods and link sails around on a boat that is actually the dead king of hyrule ummmm. Many such cases. Link has a train at one point he's an engineer that works on a train and he drives the train around and zelda is a ghost I think

breath of the wild is pretty different to the other games in terms of game structure and while I do like it it's not one of my fav Zelda games.. anyway it's set 100 years post apocalypse and link wakes up to find he was put to sleep 100 years ago to stop him from dying and so he has to save the world basically. He had a fish girl best friend but she died so sad. Tears of the kingdom is the sequel and it's kinda the same but it has sky islands and the zonai who I don't really like and Zelda gets transported a million years into the past and turns herself into a dragon. Anyway!

[candygalaxyyy]

It’s 4 AM for me rn, I should probably go to bed because my sleeping schedule is a mess… but I’m dead set on understanding the timeline for the eighth sense. Sorry in advance for any misinformation or plot holes :) I’ve been rewatching episode 6 since Wednesday and I’ve just finished rewatching all six episodes again, safe to say things are becoming clearer. So first of all, it’s not a dream. The whole of episode 6, the drowning scene, jae won pulling ji hyun out of the water, it’s all very real. Even though the gas station scenes felt very surreal and almost mystical, especially with the lighting, blurred polaroid effect and music, but it’s still real?! People have already mentioned that on here; about it being real, time being warped with future events and other theories. And idc if this is obvious but I need it in writing to come back to.

Here’s my understanding of the past/present/future theories. Everything in episode 6 is the present, up until the trauma kiss. After the trauma kiss scene the screen fades to black, I believe that indicates a shift in the timeline being shown (it happened before but i forgot when exactly I’ll update later after I’ve watch it again). So the eighth sense is centered around jae won’s therapy session! How do I know this? Well after the opening theme in episode 1 the first scene we see is jae won at his therapist’s, and she says ‘tell me about your worries’. And so the story begins. He mentions in either episode 4 or 5 that his current worries kicked in after leaving the military so we meet ji hyun exactly when jae won’s been discharged. We still get ji hyun’s focus sometimes because as much I feel this story is jae won centered, ji hyun’s perspective gives a full picture of their relationship (have not grasped the whole story of why yet, probably to give depth to ji hyun and his importance in this story).

Jae won’s present day therapy session only appears after certain triggers are brought up, and the most telling one is him getting wasted, and his dad smashing the camera his brother gifted him (episode 5). I think this is the trigger that causes the whole therapy session, cause he mentions him putting up a front (his fake friend taehyung talking about his family), his dad aggression (broken camera) and other things we’ve seen. Furthermore, it was the longest snippet of the session we’ve seen thus far. It’s also all one session, we know this because they’re wearing the same clothes and hair in every therapy scene. Anyways, as he lets all his worries out and she asks what makes you happy these days. He thinks of ji hyun, tells her and then she says she should further their relationship if that’s the case. So he decides to take ji hyun to the beach, following the advice of his therapist and since ji hyun told him to rely on him. (present day leading to episode 6). So now we are in episode 6, going to the beach and all that good stuff, Jae won opens up because he’s just been advised to deepen his relationship with ji hyun and he feels comfortable to do so. They surf and give each other trauma through kisses… THE SREEN FADES TO BLACK.

We’ve jumped to the future, the lighting, tones and atmosphere after the trauma kisses has totally shifted from the rest of the episode, so it’s fitting to say it’s future events. To me that hotel scene is another trip in the future because they clearly say that they are only staying for that one night on the beach, because they don’t have clothes (and after them getting close on that trip it is safe to assume they will definitely go on more boyfriend trips). One reason I think the writers might have done this is to remind us of jae won’s current relationship with well deep relationships. All of his relationships after his brother and up till ji hyun were surface level. Why? Because he lost someone who he loved so deeply in such a traumatic way, he couldn’t protect his brother, he couldn’t protect his love so he chooses to disassociate from human relationships. But he can’t do that with ji hyun, he’s on his path of loving ji hyun. HE TOLD HIM SOMETHING HE’S NEVER TOLD ANYONE EVER BEFORE, HE WANT TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER AND ONLY HIS YOUNGER BROTHER KNEW THAT. JAE WON IS ALREADY TRUSTING AND LOVING JI HYUN ON ANOTHER LEVEL THAN ALL HIS CURRENT RELATIONSHIPS. And of course after this we cut to them getting even more intimate and in their boyfriend era in the hotel, that’s their future. The drowning scene is also their future. And how will jae won react to *potentially losing another loved one after just starting to open up again (JI HYUN WON’T DIE THOUGH). How will he handle the guilt and pain he feels when ji hyun ends up in a hospital bed because of them surfing together in deeper water when ji hyun can swim that well? How will ji hyun handle it this time around?

[just-sp-in-inginthevoid]

ok so, after reading your analyses and claiming you as the shinichiro/takeomi dynamic expert in my mind, I want to share a though that is living rent free in my brain for quite a while.

Shiniricho finally gets a girlfriend and they are super in love with each other, but since his friends haven’t had the opportunity of meeting her yet they tease him and make jokes about her not being real. One day Takeomi is waiting for shin in his bike shop when a beautiful girl shows up, he is smitten the second he sees her and in their brief interaction he is already convinced that she is his dream girl. Until shinichiro shows up and she run right into his arms, leaving takeomi there to process that he just fell for his best friend girlfriend.

First of all, thanks for the ask! You gave me such a huge compliment 🙈 Second, I was never asked something of this kind before, so I hope what I wrote will please you and I apologize if I did it wrong since it's my first time doing that (also hence why I took some time to answer)

Takeomi falling for Shinichiro's Girlfriend

That sure is a way to torture the both of them lol But that's something I love doing so that's okay

Takeomi is a very envious man. He desires lots of things. He wants and he takes even when the things he wants are someone else's. Most than often what he wants are what others’ have anyway, ‘the grass is greener on the other side of the fence’.

Takeomi's enviousness is at its peak when he's near Shinichiro; Takeomi admires Shinichiro more than anyone else: Takeomi loves Shinichiro too much to steal anything he holds dear. He's envious of Shinichiro but there's no resentment towards Shinichiro directly. Shinichiro gave him Black Dragon which gave him the God of War – and that’s everything precious Takeomi deems to have. He yearns for more but he won’t let go of BD or his persona for anything in the world. Shinichiro is his golden goose, can't risk nor afford to lose him.

Still, he envies him. Takeomi has followed Shinichiro all his life, ran after him but he never succeeds to attain him. Shinichiro is too surreal, everyone loves him and Takeomi wants that. He was never seen him as something more than "ordinary" as a child and The God of War was a poor try to get that attention from others and this confirmation he was different, better.

Takeomi yearns for what Shinichiro has (charisma & charm mostly) so much him falling for Shinichiro's girlfriend will no help one bit

Takeomi never attempts to steal what is Shinichiro's, he asks instead. He knows Shinichiro, they're childhood friends. Shinichiro is kind and giving and accept to share. But that's not a thing here, that's a human being they both have feelings for.

Falling for Shinichiro's significant other will tear him apart, honestly. Not that he'll admit it to anyone, himself included. He'll end up bottling it up until it explodes like always

He won't stop himself from interacting with her though. Denial or self-destructive behavior, you decide. It's probably both anyway

Shinichiro is very excited that they got to meet

Because! Shinichiro's girl finally met one of his best friends! His childhood friend! He wants them to get along so he'll make them get to know each other

If we take Takeomi's chapter as referent, Shinichiro can be rather blind to his distress (e.g Black Dragon's disbandment announcement). But we have to take into account that Takeomi is neither the definition nor a synonym of 'reliable narrator' and that there's the possibility the first generation of Black Dragon came to an end because Mama Sano died earlier this same year and so Shinichiro wasn't in the best place – that aside, there's also how he clumsy reacted to Sanzu's scars and how relaxed he was while telling Sanzu everything about the Original Timeline but he gets the excuse of.. having lived the Original Timeline. The last clue of Shinichiro's obliviousness is then how he dealt with Izana learning he wasn't blood-related to any of the Sano. (Shinichiro is kind and caring but he's not the best noticing and handling his loved-ones' feelings)

Then, because Takeomi is an unreliable narrator, we can argue Shinichiro let Takeomi know about BD disbandment before disbanding it so that Takeomi could adjust to their new reality that was about to take place – back to civilian lifestyle

Figuring out which one is blind to his friend’s intentions/feelings is then.. something that remains blurry because the PoVs in Tokyo Revengers are really subjective (and since it’s a work of fiction, that’s a compliment! Good stuff) but, taking into account their seemingly lack of interaction when Takeomi is in debt in canon I’d continue with the idea that while Shinichiro can figure out something’s off with his loved-ones, he actually doesn’t know how to make it better and may not completely be right in his deductions (+his seemingly lack of interactions with Izana after he learnt about their family situation. Granted in both cases, Takeomi and Izana made it so Shinichiro wouldn’t be able to find them) | If you want a post listing Shinichiro's questionable decisions around children, @chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter wrote this

So… Shinichiro may feel like there's something wrong with Takeomi from the moment his best friend met his girlfriend but he won't be able to pinpoint what.

And if Shinichiro has suspicions he brushes them aside because he trusts Takeomi

Even though it's Shinichiro we're talking about, Takeomi would still get an ego boost to counter how shitty he feels (both before and after Shinichiro learns about his feelings) and would try things to get Shinichiro's girl. Good luck dealing with the mess

If he ends up learning about Takeomi's feelings for his girlfriend, by whatever means, he'd be sympathetic. That won't go well with Takeomi feeling ashamed tho lol Takeomi hates feeling like that, he'd probably go and hide away for some times

The situation would feel incredibly awkward for the both of them

If Takeomi tries to do something that is too much: he'd try and continue to prove himself that that's what he wants and that he can do it and no consequences will befall on him

He's pushy but not a harasser, abuser or rapist, so he'd stop if Shinichiro's girlfriend makes it known. He'd feel even worse though because of course Shinichiro got a girl as faithful and lovestruck as him, as perfect as him, and Takeomi is nothing like that

(He had hoped a bit by convincing himself that since Shinichiro's lovelife is disastrous she was most definitively like the other girls – not actually loving Shinichiro)

he’d try to get himself some girls for the night to distract himself but he won’t be able to

So, unfortunately since canon gave us a rather oblivious Shinichiro and a Takeomi who depreciates himself every five seconds before having an ego boost until it crashes again (rinse, repeat) - the only one who can fix the situation (or at least get it moving by stopping its status quo) is the girlfriend. (unless you decide to wait for Takeomi’s inevitable *big boom*)

[shadowbends]

✍️🚀🎨?

✍️ What’s your ideal writing setup?

This goes hand in hand with the other answer I gave about what helps me focus, ie. the most important thing is that I have no distractions. The only thing I need besides that is somewhere comfy to sit and my laptop!

Usually this means I'm writing while sitting alone, at my bed. I really should make better use of my desk, though. |D;

🚀 Do you like to outline your fic first or create as you go?

As a teenager, I definitely took the 'by the seat of your pants' approach, but now that I'm older? Definitely appreciate knowing where I'm going with things. It never ends up up being a full outline—I make up too much as I go along for that to work—but I like having at least a timeline in my head, of the points that I'm working towards.

🎨 If someone were to make fanart of your work, what fic or scene would you hope to see?

Oh gosh, I think I'd combust if someone made fanart for my fic; it'd be very unexpected, so I'd be happy with anything. If I had to pick something, though...

Well the first answer that comes to mind is [redacted], from the new chapter of don't pay my ransom that I'm currently working on now. But for a scene that I've actually put out already, I'd go with any of Mikey and Leo's shared dream sequences from the earlier chapters. I had a lot of fun writing how trippy they were, and comedic or surreal, I think they'd be the most fun to see brought to life in art.

Thanks for the ask!

Ask meme here!

[peppertaemint]

It’s weird for me to watch the reactions on my timeline, even adults are reacting like it’s a surprise and they need time to "process"… huh, okay… I mean, were people still hoping for an exemption at this point? I still had a bit of hope at the end of last year but since then it was quite clear that they couldn’t count on it. I’m actually quite happy right now that everything is settled and they have a clear plan. And them coming back in 2025 is a scenario I wasn’t even hoping for, it really is the best we could get in my opinion. I understand the younger fans being sad but when it comes to adults, I find it quite concerning to react the way some do. As much as I love the members and especially Jimin and Jungkook, my life does not revolve around them, I find it a bit sad to see that for so many people it seems like the band is most important thing in their lives :/

Hello Anon. Your Ask is from October 2022, but I think in light of certain things it might be interesting to answer it now.

Was it a bit jarring to see BTS fans unable to cope with the reality of military service? Yes, because I think most of us who got into K-pop after already being into K-media/culture weren't expecting an exemption. I also understand it must be surreal for some people who don't live in countries with mandatory service, or those who don't know others who have done mandatory service. Both Pakistan and Israel have mandatory service, so it's not necessarily out of the ordinary for some of us (and especially for those who pay attention to K-media).

I do think the idea of the exemption is something the fans will stay bitter about for a long time (forever?) judging by tweets and other posts I keep seeing. Not having an exemption is a hit to the whole brand image of exceptionalism/not K-pop. Only the plebeian K-pop stars have to go for service, not the venerable BTS. That ... will always be offensive to me, as a BTS fan and a K-pop fan.

Now that it's happening (Jin has enlisted), the usual crud has started and will continue forever more. I don't like people using service as a "gotcha" and making cruel comments while someone is serving their country. Yes, BTS fans do this about everyone else who serves, but that doesn't mean other fans need to return the favor. Like, have some decency. Jin looks healthy and quite good in the photos that were released, so can't we all respect him for doing his duty, regardless of opinions on the political war machine or selfish fan war egotism? I'm definitely a pacifist, but my being a pacifist does nothing for people who live in countries with mandatory service.

The other thing is that with the news of Hongseok's (Pentagon) medical discharge, I really hope that everyone can reflect on their behavior, and that does include SHINee fans. I didn't see it myself, but I saw shawols chastizing others for their reactions (gotta love shawol behavior standards, lol). Mental health isn't a competition, nor is military service on the whole. Not being able to complete your service as intended, whether that be full discharge or changing the type of service, would be incredibly difficult for the person involved. Shame, guilt, embarrassment, humiliation - enlisting would have been hard enough; not finishing as intended is not what anyone would want. Let's keep positive thoughts for all involved.

[runimanio]

2024 Game Clear #17 Digimon World Re:Digitized Decode

Your Tekken timeline is worthless if it doesn't include this game

So uh this game was the reason I got a twitter account. I was 13 at the time and really starting to surf the web properly to explore my hobbies, meaning I was able to look up news on my favorite franchise and see what was coming out soon or discover entries that I never knew existed as opposed to before where I just had to stumble upon it in the wild after it's already out.

At some point I came across this trailer and some of the PSP trailers and I just thought the game just looked so damn cool, I was so excited for it and so annoyed that Bandai Namco (Namco Bandai at the time) wouldn't commit to a English Localization that I made a twitter account to harass inquire the the Namco Bandai twitter accounts about a potential English release someday... which never happened sadly but I was amused that Decode added a Twitter-esc feed on the bottom screen for these reason.

A couple years later, after the fan translation released I imported PSP game (the first game I ever imported) and patched it and had a ball. Even so being able to play the 3DS version that I wanted so bad in English and on actual hardware after so long is kind of surreal.

Though admittedly the larger roster of raiseable Digimon aside (I kind wish the base game launched with a lot of these added Digimon, like its crazy that PSP game didn't have Palmon & Tyrannomon) I don't think a lot of the Decode content is the most high quality, the new X-Antibody & Demon Lord scenario have a lot of cool stuff in them but the Infinity mountain dungeon is kind of a slog and the demon lord quest feels pretty padded. This is for the most part fine though because the base game is still very solid.

The Digimon World games aren't for everyone but the general flow of these games I find so cozy: raising your Digimon the best you can and see how much of the world you can explore and how many Digimon you can recruit to your city before your partner dies and you have to return to the city. The Digimon you recruit can improve your city which in turn helps you raise your partner better. You definitely need to play with a guide near by though.

I uh also somehow got locked into a evolution that doesn't seem to be documented anywhere: Grappleomon -> Vikemon, I have no idea why Grapple would not evolve into Bancho as I don't think I made a care mistake but discovering a new evolution line is cool i guess

The fan patch is pretty good, a couple of typos and weird grammar in some but hey Digimon games always had messy localizations so honestly probably better than we would've gotten lol.

[letsberealgenz]

5 Signs You Found Your Purpose

All I see is dollar sign. Replace this with purpose sign. You are definitely at the right place if you choose to read this till the very end. 5 signs you have found your true life’s purpose. Your soul’s purpose. Your calling. What you’re truly meant to be doing on Earth. It’s already 2024, let’s be real!

You feel truly alive

We are all alive but how many of us are actually truly alive? I doubt many. The word truly alive comes back to purpose. You know you’re truly alive when everyday feels so exciting. You know you’re truly alive when you love getting up every single day looking forward to it. You know you’re truly alive when you don’t feel like it’s a need to go to work instead it’s a want. Need and want are the only deciding factor whether are you truly alive.

Your work makes you happy

This is definitely a pretty important one in fact it’s the most IMPORTANT sign indicating whether you’ve found your purpose or not. Your work is supposed to be a home that you look forward to visiting often. Your work is meant to fulfill your soul. Your work is meant to be satisfying. Your work is meant to be your safe space. Run honey if its not!

Yes I know sometimes the work that you’re doing pays you so well but if it doesn’t make you feel content at the end of the day when you’re retiring for bed then it’s meaningless! Imagine how would you feel when you’re at your deathbed because the dreams that you don’t pursue are the same dreams that would haunt you when you’re older. I live by this quote and I hope this would help you:

“Something that has not been fulfilled would eventually arrive at its surface. It’s just a matter of time. So it’s now or never. The risk would always be there in anything that you do in life. All you have to do is choose. Do it for you honey.”

You start reflecting on your journey by asking some weird questions

Questions like these:

How did I even achieve all this within such a short timeline?

How did I even knew I had to do all this?

How did I get this far in life?

I can’t believe I could do all that by myself. Is this me for real?

How did I attract the right people, the right opportunities and the right everything into my life?

Honestly there’s more but here are some main ones! The key is you’re content with your progress and you believe you’re taking steps everyday that is highly aligned with your purpose.

People look up to you

This one is real. It is proven in fact I have experienced this by myself. Therefore I can write about it. The moment you start receiving inquiries, texts or calls regarding what you’re doing is actually inspiring them and they would like to know more about it, it’s a clear indicator that you’re on the right path.

Something is unique about you. Your journey is appealing for others and it might feel absolutely nothing for you but it means a lot for someone else. The work that you put out every single day is actually motivating or even guiding someone into a positive direction.

I’ve come to a realization most of the time in life when you’re living your purpose, the result is mostly delayed gratification. It’s not like a normal 9–5 job where your paycheck justifies everything and keeps your momentum going for months or even years.

This one’s pretty different because it’s only you can see something that is not visible for everyone but just because you believe in it so strongly somehow it creates a positive ripple effect on everything that you do and this is the momentum that keeps you going. It’s not the lucrative monetization instead it’s something bigger. There is a greater WHY on what you’re doing. A wise man once said:

“When your why is big enough, you will find your how.” — Les Brown

You cannot stop working

Sounds so surreal but it’s so true. There are times where even 24 hour is not sufficient for you I mean this works for everybody but when you’re truly living your purpose it’s those hours that you just wish to pause. Like you don’t want to leave your work space. You want to get more done within the day. The most ironic part you don’t feel like stopping. Like you can just keep going!

Let me give an example before leaving if you’re running on paycheck and you’re just working for it like that’s your end goal. So when the clock strikes 5pm you just want to stop. Even if you choose to work extra hours you want to be compensated for it right?

But if you’re working on your purpose, the time, the monetization does not matter because you can see exactly what is your end goal. It’s bigger than a paycheck. It is beyond your being. It’s serving the greater good. If ever you wonder why purpose is important or even how to find your purpose take that as a sign of an awakening!

Yours, Asrajjit Kaur

[thinking-in-broken-scenes]

I was tagged by @emiliosandozsequence

What was your first ever story idea? What happened to it?

I would say probably some kind of adventure story probably with witches. It's likely written in some sort of journal somewhere but i don't remember exactly.

The oldest story I have a good chunk of is a slice-of-life drama about a kid with mental health struggles who also has visions into other people's lives. It's written entirely in poems, it's in my google drive. I still think it's an idea I might rework.

What’s your writing routine?

Music, I have specific writing playlists for some of my stories and trying to prop up pillows so I'm not hunched over.

Are you a plotter, a pantser, or something in between?

I usually have outlines of a broad timeline of the stories. And I do keep records of dates/ages/magic systems to refer to. So definitely do a lot of plotting. But often if I get into a story I will veer off from what I planned lol. Or I realise what I originally planned doesn't make a lot of sense with how my character is anymore.

I do write a lot of poetry from just what I'm feeling without thinking.

Do you try to tell moral stories throughout your work, or any other life lessons? What are they?

I won't go into a story trying to teach a life lesson or base it around proving a point. I mean my opinions come through in my stories. So there is implicit morals in the story. My POV characters do tend to have strong views, so you will pick up on certain things, but it's not meant to convince people I just like opinionated characters. But some of my characters have buck-wild opinions.

What do you prefer, character development or worldbuilding? Why?

Character development definitely. My worldbuilding is generally in service of the characters. I like Worldbuiling! And I try to have rich worlds with some degree of constancy so no one is thrown by shit making no sense. And I do enjoy creating things, like religions, but characters and relationships are what I'm best at and most invested in.

Do you have any tips for budding writers?

Nope! I don't feel like I have enough experience.

Who inspires you to write the most?

Stephen Chbosky, Beverly Cleary, Suzanne Collins,  E.L. Doctorow, Gillian Flynn, Ellen Hopkins, Tamsyn Muir, Matthew Stover, Ned Vizzini, Hanya Yanagihara, and Markus Zusaks are my literary inspirations. They are some of the writers I admire the most in how they convey complicated emotions.

Angie Sage is another writer who has always been a favourite. For her, it is the emotions as well but the sheer ability of her to construct an immersive world with consistent magic and world-building really expanded my imagination as a kid.

I would say Inn Between, The Magnus Archives, The Penumbra Podcast (Juno Steel Story), Welcome to Night Vale and Where The Stars Fallalso all inspire me! These podcasts are captivating and all have very interesting story mechanics! The surrealism of Welcome to Night Vale is also something I really like.

Doctor Who is something that inspires me as the amount of time I've spent dissecting that show I think has really made me think of the bones of my stories. ATLA & She Ra as well.

Web Weaves! Reading all the ways people are struck even by just fragments.

Mythology! Folk Tales! History!

And also like the amount of bullshit I'm going through in life. I need to get my pain and loneliness out somewhere. The way stories have always been my lifeline through all of my life! I need to create, the urge to tell stories is in my soul. And the way it saved me I hope others will feel seen by my writing as well.

[gambitedge]

Life becomes a different type of surreal in the face of illness and mortality.

And yes, it seems that despite any effort of my own to receive news like this gracefully was taxed beyond preparation in a way that tests my handle on what life is, the world, and truth as reality.

I think the only certainty in learning about how my body was failing in exotic textbook definition, was the dissociation perplexing reverberation I felt through and through, hinting to me that my previous world view was for the child I was up until yesterday.

Now at the point where I’ve had some weeks to absorb this truth of a definite end but indefinite timeline, I can’t say I’m any better off after than I was before or better before then knowing now in the after.

Maybe it’s because my body fails to perform as a normal adult human, but my motivation began and ended with requisite pleasantries lasting not further than the day I felt the obligation to venture into some meaningful understanding which would alter my perception of life and it’s frailty.

To be honest, some days leave me with no desire other than to escape the unending pain and discomfort. My energy (if it can be called energy), puffs out in a plume of sweat vapors and bitterness, thus not serving any productive or fruitful meaning.

I’m writing here because writing helps, even though it’s most often absorbed into the void of silence and nothingness. Maybe words of my pain and process could give another hope or comfort. At a minimum, I don’t want to leave behind a soul-sucking aura, bleeding willing victims dry.

One day at a time. I still want to work for myself on my own timelines and doing things that have meaning beyond $$$ in a bank account. I want to tell my story through a story in a game. Perspective is a lot of understanding, especially to new concepts previously unknown.

[blondrichclosetwitch]

The People are Talking, The People are Talking

“It’s interesting in the timeline; on march 24, psychic jakk told me he was in trouble, so i went over to his apartment, which was when he finally texted me back for the first time in months, saying things that were not in alignment with all the things psychic jakk had told me, which i talked about in the “p.j. 3/24 after i texted jakk” .

Well, two days later i was told that my niece stella had caused blond to have a miscarriage, who was a) supposedly pregnant since january and b) supposedly in jail for attacking jakk. I’m sure that’s the only reason i would have taken the chance in going to their apartment, thinking she wasn’t there.

******************************************************************

This whole thing about “causing a miscarriage”...that had been something i had been told about by gina (aka the painting) for a long time. From what i remember, from the moment psychic jakk told me she was pregnant, they were also talking to me about how she must miscarry, because the plan was to sacrifice the baby Easter weekend.

I remember the moment that the miscarriage supposedly happened, the night before this tape. . My body got deeply sick, as if it was happening to me, the pendulum was flying with a force like i had never ever felt before, and i had to keep my feet cemented to the floor, as if holding the pendulum and not letting it fly out of my hands was of some vital importance, despite the physical experience i was having. It was a surreal experience, to put it lightly.

Afterwards my “niece” came to me. She told me she was drunk, and that “they” made her do it, and that that was what the spinning was...her pulling the baby out.

That fucked me up. I didn’t know that it was going to be her who would do this thing that i was being told needed to happen.

***

There’s some things to put out there about this tape.

I took “mothering” my niece very seriously. I did whatever i was told needed to be done for her. Stella and i were super close when she was on earth, yes, but being that i was the only relative of hers that could interact with spirits, i took my duties with her very seriously.

This definitely tapped into the part of me that never got to be a mother; there was a lot of transference at play. But also, that got played on a lot. It makes me uncomfortable to hear how gullible and all-in i was, but by that point, i had been isolated for months, which seems to have been part of the plan.

After this initial conversation, fake stella would tell me over and over that she was spending most of her time getting drunk with jakk.

That she was messed up from what she was forced to do. There was always a lot of things that she was bringing up about jakk. At one point it was told to me that she was trying to convince him to kill himself so he’d be on the other side with her and she’d have someone to play with.

You’ll see a reference to me saying that stella was christ in the beginning of time; what can i say? I was told that in early january (yes, it’s on a tape).

Someone was super creative with their story lines.

As i was getting ready to finish this up, the following songs played:

supernatural superserious (see title of post, r.e.m.),

control (���i’m crying “they’re coming for me”, and i tried to hold these secrets inside me, my mind is like a deadly disease”--halsey),

the neverending story (pulp),

live in chicago 1999 (“i’m just so so so sick of the city streets of switchblade dicks out to break your mother’s heart”, joan of arc),

Pj harvey’s we float:

You shop-lifted as a child

Will we die out of shock?

Die without a trial

Die on Good Friday

This is kind of about you

This is kind of about me

Cat Stevens, wild world: Now that I’ve lost everything to you

The Weeknd, die for you: I'm finding ways to manipulate the feelin' you're goin' through

Little girl, spiritualized: hey little girl, we’re on our own

4:44 Keep: My inner dialogue's a drone

This last one got to me. At some point psychic jakk told me that he had some chip in him so he could always be tracked, which of course flipped me out. He actually told me what it was called, and i googled it, and it was something that is used in the military, sure enough. He also told me he had to wear a nanny-cam at all times, and that he had a tattoo over his heart that said “Property of Blond”, which completely freaked me out because I thought we were always on the brink of being together. Ultimately all these things ever did was make a mess of my nervous system and got me to a weight i was in high school. Will we die out of shock?”

Niece 3/26/17 drunk after miscarriage

You weren’t wrong. You had to do something..that ..you did something..to allow….you basically did something for the cause. You did something so that ..things could be moved forward, quicker.

And when we first talked about it happening, however long ago that was, it was never, never brought up that it would be you who did it.

It was never brought to my attention. That was never an idea. And if it had been presented to me that it would be *you* who would do the act, i would have said..i would have said absolutely not. And i think that you know that.

You knew that didn’t you? Did you know that?

Yeah.

And...when random had first talked to me about it...he had first said to me that i had done wrong and i don’t even remember who had presented to me to go do this spell, i don’t even remember who it was….i just remember being presented, “go do this”.........and going to the roof and doing it. And then going to God and being like….look, will this be cleared from my record pretty much but then having Random come to me and be like, hey this is not cool and asking god and being like ...god being like “ well it’s cancelled out by what you sacrificed with the baby and this wasn’t….she never was supposed to have this baby...and it will be taken care of.”

But you have always maintained a purity...and i know that something happened to you in the last 24 hours...28 hours, 30 hours, whatever you want to say... and...you lost ….you can also say that you lost part of your purity when you had your ______________________________ or what have you, but this is different in that something happened for you.

And you have to rest, and you have to let me be...your mom. And that means you have to eat, and you have to know when you’re tired, and you have to stop, and know that you’re 10 years old.

And you have to read your books.

And you can do your magic and you can do all of that stuff...but you have to not exhaust yourself.

Because if i see..that you are weakened...then it means you have to take a break. Like if i have to take a nap, that means you have to take a nap.

(pause)

Because the other way we’re gonna get anywhere...the only way that we’re gonna be the chariot is by..having boundaries, and by..doing excellent self-care. Jakk has been doing shitty self-care.

Shitty self-care. And you see where he was at.

I’ve been doing better self-care than jakk. Much better. As you can see. So that means you either ride on my shoulders, or let me carry you, you take naps, you eat food,....you take breaks. You listen to me. You listen to god. You don’t like stop...you don’t constantly look for trees. ( we spent hours upon hours doing this thing with trees...moreon that later.)

(pause)

You don’t like, give everything away. You feel the roots, feel the breath, hear the still small voice of the spirit, and everything will be as it should be. And know that i am not going anywhere, ever….because i am yours. And you are mine. Forever. You have my heart, you always had my heart from the moment i held you in my arms. From the moment i sang to you. You had my heart.

And you can’t be shy about saying what you need. You have to tell me. You have to ….i want you to tell me. And it’s ok if you make a mistake. Don’t be afraid of making a mistake. You know? I should have told them no jalapenos.

(this is a reference to when “we” were at calexico. What did we look like? Typically me at a barstool with her framed picture, the pendulum in my left hand, the stick and crystal, and a bunch of bags at my feet. For a while i carried 3 or 4 pictures with cheap plastic frames from the dollar store in my backpack. I think at one point i was carrying three bags on the regular.

You see in here references to telling stella to eat; well, this one time at calexico i ordered some baja fish tacos, and one black bean taco for us to share, thinking she would like them, since she had been vegetarian, and when i was almost done eating, she told me that she didn’t eat her part, that they were too spicy for her, which made me feel like a failure. Thus the line about jalapenos. )

We could probably make a business just of like people sending us a picture of their loved one who is sick, and bringing them to trees. We could probably start a business that way. We could probably make money that way. People see us doing it. They see us doing it. That’s how we could start our business. You could lead me to the trees that heal. We could take the pictures of the people who are sick..is that how it works? They could send me a picture of someone’s who sick, i take the picture to a tree,....this is how we can get started. And i can sing while the tree heals them.

We can just go ahead and get started. We could get a business license like….i could talk to naussica about it..next week. She would probably put up the money for a business license. And i bet aaron would put a website together for us. A simple one, until i can figure out the website that the tarot reader has in mind. And we could get business cards. And i could just start passing them out. We could get that going in the next three weeks. Maybe i don’t get the license yet, but i could get the website and the cards, and if people ask, that’s what i do.

That’s what we do.

Because we do it together.

Does that sound good? You like that idea?

Does he know that i did not have sex with him today?

………………

...Tonight i care about the baby. The baby who was….sacrifice...i just want this to be over, and i want to go to sleep. And prepare for tomorrow, because tomorrow is the universe. I’m pretty sure. So, let’s go to bed.

(sounds of her in the bathroom, then we hear the toilet flush)

Did you just hug me?

Did you?

I felt that..i felt that…( starts breathing hard and laughing softly) awwwwww. I felt that.

(continues to be choked up)

It’s almost six months. (crying slightly, but mostly overwhelmed with emotion at feeling her)

It’s funny, i used to think that this place was….i don’t know. Wasn’t what i wanted but...now it’s perfect. You need to make a list of stuff to keep here for you...for…..like, food. “

(End of tape)

[friend-dispenser]

Hey did you guys know there's a 30 tag limit on tumblr? I kinda went on a rant, so hit read more if you want to see it

Edgeworld doesn’t really work like that! There’s not really any such thing as being magical or biological; the world is nonsense and things happen because they should, rather than any kind of in universe logic.

Dragons breathe fire because that’s just what they’re expected to do. Elves do magic because fae are SUPPOSED to grant wishes and curse people. Peoples insides are entirely nonfunctional and don’t actually connect to anything, but work anyway because that’s just how bodies should work.

The entire setting is dependent on being a fictional representation of concepts and ideas people know about in real life, and doesn’t actually make sense to the people inhabiting the world. It’s there for an audience they don’t know exists.

The world is very confusing to your average Edgeworlder.

(This, by the way, is why it’s totally fine to scrap and change concepts in fan stuff; “I, the author, want this thing to happen” is already how things work in the first place!)

[scarletwinterxx]

my thoughts will echo your name, until I see you again - lee jeno scenario

hi! and I am back once again😊 so many things happened this week, first thing’s first I finally saw 127 live!! it was sooo  surreal. All I can say is they are sooo soooo great live, I don’t think there’s enough words to describe it🥺😭

But anyways, I hope you like this scenario. Apologies I can’t work on longer stories for now but I hope you like this💛

For my other works you can check them out here, and for my other story series’ you can check them out here.

All works are copyrighted ©scarletwinterxx 2022 . Do not repost, re-write without the permission of author.

(gif not mine. credit to original owner)

It was like a joke made by the universe, you never ending up with guys your age. It’s either their older or a bit younger than you. Of course none of those ever end well. Dating someone older just never works because you’re in two different timelines of your lives, there’s just things in life you can’t quite agree on. On the other hand, dating someone younger half of the time feels like you can never fully express yourself. You always have to be the one to understand, to adjust, to be the mature one. 

The dilemma is entirely on you though. Whenever guys your age approach you, you just run the other way. You’re way too picky, so your friends say. They say you’ll never find the one for you if you keep on passing up on every opportunity. 

“You think the arcade is a good place to find a guy?” you ask your friend, already not feeling good about tonight. If anything you’d rather be at home right now. 

“It’s arcade night, the school council organized this so a lot of other students is here. Maybe you finally find someone cute enough to take home”

“Sounds like a start of a horror movie” you mumbled, following behind her as she squeezes her way through the crowd. She walks over the counter to get a bag to tokens for the both of you before going off on her own leaving you all by yourself. 

“Just great” you mumble to yourself. Not knowing what to do, you just walk over the game machines to pass the time. You’re already here anyways might as well make it something of it. 

You’re on your fourth claw machine of night, you already got a few prizes but you already gave them away to the other students who were more than happy to have them. Just when you’re about to secure the cute puppy plushie, you feel someone stand close by. Not paying that much attention, they’re probably waiting for their turn. 

Clicking on the grab button twice, you secured the prize once again. 

“Oh dang, I wanted to get that one” the person behind you say, turning around to offer it to him but you were a bit taken aback by him. 

You’re not going to lie, he’s very handsome. Probably the most good looking person in the room. You remember your friend saying a lot of students came out tonight so you’re wondering how come you never met him. 

“I think I might have set that one up for the win” he chuckles, looking at the prize in your hand “Oh sorry I didn’t know someone was playing” you answer, now feeling guilty about potentially stealing this win from him. 

“Yea I just grabbed more tokens, you won fair and square though” he says with a smile. In contrast with his other strong features, his eye smile definitely stands out the most. When he smiled, his eyes disappeared almost completely. 

“Here, you can have it if you want” Surprised by your offer, he didn’t immediately take the prize from you so you grabbed his arm to put it in his hand.

“Are you sure?”

“Yea totally, not really aiming for the prize. I’m just here to pass time plus my friend kinda ditched me so I have nothing else to do”

Again, he smile at you. Not really knowing what to say next you just shot him a smile before moving on to find your next prize. 

“Hey, uhm you said your friend ditched you?” you hear him ask

“Yea, she kinda went off earlier I haven’t seen her since”

“If you want, I can keep you company for a while. I swear I’m not a bad guy or anything. You can check my ID to confirm that I do go to the same campus” he points at the school logo on your jacket

“I wasn’t thinking that but thanks” you chuckle, 

“Oh wait, I’m Jeno by the way”

“Y/N”

“I saw the air hockey table earlier, want to go there?” you ask him

And that’s how you unexpectedly spent the rest of the night. After playing a few games and winning most of them but you doubt he’s just letting you have the win. You don’t call him out about though. To be honest, you were having a grand time with Jeno even though you just met him. 

“I’m a communications major”

“Engineering” 

“You’re an engineering student and you have time to be here?” he laughs at your question, “Yea, shocking right. We don’t get to have that much free time, I just so happen to finish my plates early and my roommate sexiled me for the night”

You laugh at his explanation, not expecting him to be this honest with you. ”Well you can’t be here all night, where will you go after the event?”

“Not sure, maybe stay at a convenient store or something. Rather do that than accidently walk in dorm in the middle of them doing the deed. You?”

“No roommates kicked me out, more like dragged me out here”

It’s been a good couple of hours, you probably have played all games you could. 

“Hey, want to take a picture? I still have two tokens left” Jeno points at the vacant photobooth. 

“Sure” 

You scoot inside taking a seat first with Jeno following behind you. It was a tight space inside so you’re shoulder to shoulder with him. 

“Which one do you want to do?” he asks you, pointing at the screen

“Let’s do the four cut one”

“Okay, ready?”

The screen flashes the count down 

3

2

1

For the first picture both of you were smiling, after the flash the two of you burst out laughing. You didn’t hear the countdown go off so you were still laughing meanwhile Jeno was just looking at you with a small smile on his face. All he could think to himself was how cute your laugh was and how pretty you looked smiling. 

That’s how the second picture came out. 

The next one you hear the countdown so you calm down, looking over at Jeno only to find him already looking at you. 

“What? Is there something on my face?”

Jeno just shakes his head, still smiling at you. 

Click. That’s the third photo. 

“Do you want to maybe go out after this? Get coffee or dinner?” he asks

If this was any other occasion, if this was any other guy you’d say no by now but something about him just made you want to say yes. 

“Sure, how about dinner then coffee?” you answer with a smile. Click.

When the two of you step out of the booth and wait for the photos to develop, you exchange phone numbers to keep in touch. When the two photo strips finally drop, you take one look at it and you can already feel the blush on your cheeks. 

“Cute” you hear Jeno mumble from beside you. 

“You’re keeping this right?” you ask him “Of course, what else would I do with it?”

“I dunno, throw it after this”

“No way, want me to put this on our fridge door?” you laugh at his suggestion, not sure if he’s joking or not. “I’m serious”

‘Yah Lee Jeno, don’t do that” you say in between giggles, again Jeno could only think how he liked how his name sounded when you’re the one who say it. 

It really was luck he decided to come out here tonight, or else he would’ve never bumped into you. Saying a mental thank you to his roommate for kicking him out tonight, he might just buy him dinner too if this night ends on a better note. 

“I’ll see you again after tonight right?” he asks

“You’re taking me out for dinner right? so yea. Unless you’re too busy”

“No, no I’m not that busy”

You smile at him again, feeling like he answered too quickly. 

“It’s okay if you are, it doesn’t even have to be a fancy dinner out. To be honest I prefer a simple dinner at home” you reassure him

“I’m not a good cook though” an unintentional pout forms on his lips, it took everything in you not to swoon then and there

“Good thing I am, so all is good” his face lights up once again upon hearing your words. 

You’re not sure yet where this will go. It’s still too soon to tell but one thing’s for sure, Lee Jeno isn’t just some guy. He’s not lilke the rest you’ve met before, and even though you only met him you can already say it with confidence because no guy has made you feel this comfortable and safe. It’s like you know you’re safe with him. 

“How about for tonight I walk you home?”

Maybe, just maybe this time the universe decided to make amends and make up for all the failed attempts with all the guys you’ve met in the past.  

[chaostheoryy]

The Illusion of Control [Alan Grant X GN!Reader]

Summary: Several years after escaping the nightmares of Isla Sorna, Alan Grant finds himself face to face with the one person he swore would be better off without him. Turns out there’s a lot more catching up that needs to be done than he thought.

Rating: Teen

Word Count: 3.4K

A/N: Here it is, the Alan Grant reader insert that no one but my subconscious asked for. This takes place somewhere between the events of Jurassic Park III and Jurassic World: Dominion so while the timeline in the story is vague, just know that this is definitely post-Isla Sorna. Also, no beta. We die like men.

“Dr. Grant?”

Alan pried himself away from the paperwork in front of him and turned around. His mouth had just begun to open and form around the question, “how can I help you”, when his jaw went slack and his heart stilled in his chest. His eyes widened.

“I’ll be damned…”

The last thing Alan Grant ever expected when he rolled out of bed to return to the dig that morning was to have you standing in the entryway of his work tent. And yet, there you were, body framed beautifully by the desert and a gentle smile painted across your face. It was so surreal, so unbelievable that, for the briefest moment, he considered the possibility that the blistering heat had finally gotten to him.

But the soft chuckle that came from your throat reassured him that this was no hallucination. The one person he had desperately tried to leave in the past without considering the damage it would inflict on his own heart had actually returned. The one that he let get away out of sheer doubt and fear had found their way back like salmon returning to their breeding grounds upstream.

“Surprised to see me?” You asked with a slight tilt of the head.

A huff of laughter escaped his throat. “Is it that obvious?”

“I’m sorry, I probably should have called or at least sent your team an email. Hell, I kind of just barged my way in here.”

“It’s fine, really. I just…”

He trailed off for a moment, soaking in the image and the sensation of seeing you standing before him again. It had been years since he last saw you and yet it looked as if time had barely grazed its fingers over your skin. You were just as gorgeous as the day he’d met you, your smile still as disarming as the first time he watched it grace your lips. If there was ever going to be a textbook image to accompany the phrase, “some things never change”, it would have to be you.

“I never thought I would be so lucky as to see you again,” he admitted.

Alan straightened as you crossed the space between you. Each step you took seemed to trigger a thrum in his chest. The closer you got, the harder his heart beat until suddenly your arms were around his torso and the silly little fist-sized organ behind his sternum ceased to function altogether. His breath caught in his throat.

“I’ve missed you too,” you murmured, breath tickling the skin above his collar.

His hands hovered behind your back for the briefest moment as he debated his right to touch. You were the most delicate and beloved thing in his life, more fragile and worthy of care than even the oldest of fossils. If he ever miscalculated the strength of his words or the placement of his hands and shattered the bone of your trust, he would never be able to forgive himself.

But this momentary embrace was something he couldn’t pass up just because he was afraid. He’d been thinking about you for years, wondering if he had done the wrong thing by swallowing his emotions and burying himself in his work. So much time had passed but still you lingered in his mind like the scent of a candle long since burnt down to the wick.

His hands found their place on your back, one between your shoulder blades and the other on the small of your back. With a soft exhale, he pulled you closer. Some nights he had dreamed of holding you and every single one of those dream had soothed the ache in his chest just enough to make it through another day. But this…this was so much more. This was like coming home.

***

That night, the two of you went out to dinner. Years of catch up were crammed into one evening and, by the end of the meal, it felt as if he had pieced together the entire puzzle that was the mystery of your life without him. And God was he proud of how far you’d come.

The last time he’d seen you, you were a bright eyed grad student determined to know everything there was to learn about theropods. You attended every one of his lectures at the local university, engaged in every discussion group he headed, and constantly made it a point to go out of your way to see him. Since then you had taken everything you learned from him and your studies and applied it to your own teaching. You were now a full-blown tenured professor teaching the ins and outs of theropod behaviors and biology just like your mentor had taught you. He had sworn back when you were exchanging theories in crowded college libraries that there was nothing that could make him adore you more. Hearing about your successes like this, however, he quickly realized he was dead wrong. You had only grown more perfect in your time apart.

“What’s that look for?”

Alan wasn’t even aware that he was staring until you spoke. He sat up tall in his chair, grip tightening around the beer bottle in his hand. He cleared his throat.

“What look?”

“The one where it seems like you have so much you want to say but you can’t find the words,” you replied. “Or maybe you just don’t want to find them.”

You could have stripped him down to his briefs and thrown him in the middle of Times Square on a Friday night and he would have felt less exposed than he did in that moment. Back then you always knew when something was off. You saw through his masks and forced him to admit when he was burnt out or struggling with the countless things on his plate. The fact that you still peered straight through the facade after all this time was both terrifying and impressive.

He lowered his head slightly, forcing a tight-lipped smile. “I’m that easy to read?”

“Only if you know which pages to flip to.”

A silence fell over the table. Part of him wanted to turn tail and run, to bury every last bit of his emotions in the sands he had been digging through for the last two weeks. It would be the safest choice. If he ran, he eliminated every risk of making the wrong move and crossing a line so thin it was barely legible.

But the other part of him that wanted to kick open the gate and roam free in the wilds of emotion roared just as loud. He knew better than to think he could just forget you or ignore the way you made him feel. That approach had already failed miserably. Why make the same mistake and push away the one person that made him feel so seen? Was the idea of being vulnerable really so terrifying?

Before the two beasts in his head could finish their battle, the waiter returned with the check and your focus was drawn away from his warring stare of mind. He sighed at the momentary relief but couldn’t bring himself to celebrate. Time never left any stone untouched.

***

After dinner, he drove you back to your hotel. You had taken time out of a busy convention schedule to take a taxi out to the bluffs and say hello; the least he could do was make sure you made it back to your temporary homestead safe and sound. And hey, if part of the reason he wanted to do so was because he just couldn’t say goodbye so quickly, how were you to know?

“I had a great time tonight,” you said with a smile when the two of you reached your room, “I almost didn’t make my way out to the site today but I’m so glad I did.”

His brow furrowed slightly. “Why almost?”

For the first time that night, he watched you hesitate. He could see that you were calculating, debating not only what you wanted to say but the words you absolutely didn’t dare speak. Maybe he wasn’t the only one with a mind at war.

“I don’t know. I just… I guess I was afraid to get in your way. I know how important these digs are to you and how exhausting it is after spending hours upon hours in the sun just to find a femur the size of tv remote.” You let out a small laugh that made his heart do a sloppy cartwheel in his chest before you continued, “The last thing I wanted was to bother you. Especially after everything you’ve been through. You deserve peace.”

He blinked at the statement. It caught him completely off guard, forcing his brain to run through a thousand different scenarios and questions before he even really understood what he was feeling. Of course he was happy to have returned to a reserved life where dinosaurs were just fragments of old bone rather than frightening monsters dead set on eating him for lunch. But did you truly believe that a life of peace was impossible with you in it? Had he actually made you think that he was better off without you?

“You could never be a bother,” he said quietly, “Hell, you could wake me up in the middle of the night just to tell me you’d hidden my toolbox somewhere in the desert and I’d probably be just fine with it.”

Another laugh slipped from your lips, drawing a soft smile to his face. Oh how he’d missed that laugh. If he could bottle up one sound and keep it on his shelf ‘til the end of time, it would have been just that. Nothing made him feel more special than being the one to draw even the briefest chuckle out of you.

For a moment, the two of you lingered there, soaking in the carefree sensation of sharing a laugh with one another again. Slowly that sensation dissipated and gave way to something else entirely. Alan watched as your smile faded. The cogs in your head were turning again, your eyes shifting away from him as you weighed the pros and cons of whatever decision had been placed at your feet. Finally, a daunting question broke the silence.

“Can I ask you something?”

He nodded. “Certainly.”

The pause that followed only made the tension worsen. He was terrified just being alone with you again. Knowing whatever was clawing at the back of your mind was complicated enough to tangle the webs of your own decision making skills made him consider whether or not he should have even made it back from Isla Sorna.

The grip you had on the strap of your messenger bag tightened as you searched for the words you had lost in the muddle of your thoughts.

“Did I do something wrong? Back in grad school, I mean. You and I were so close and you always seemed so happy to be around me. But before you left, before Isla Sorna, you just…” You let out a pained exhale. “Something changed that made you want to stay away from me and I never understood why. To this day, I still don’t. If I did something to hurt you, I really want to know.”

Alan’s breath caught in his throat. The agony behind your words and the sheer innocence in your eyes stung like a knife. You were hurting because of him and God did that make him want to drop to his knees and beg for your forgiveness.

“No, I promise you did nothing wrong. I…”

He hesitantly reached for you, fingers instinctively seeking the opportunity to touch you and bring you the reassurance you so desperately needed. But before they could even brush your arm, he forced his hand into the pocket of his jeans.

“I did what I thought was best for you and stepped away.”

“‘Stepped away?’ How could cutting me off possibly be what was best for me?” You shook your head. “Alan, you were the person I trusted most. I wanted nothing more than to be there for you. I started to believe in myself because you saw the best in me. Watching you fade out of my life only to disappear entirely and never look back…I got lucky that I could see that the version of myself you showed me was still there.”

“It’s difficult to explain but believe me, I never wanted to hurt you. I wanted to stay.”

The response that came was so quick, so pointed that felt like he’d been shoved into a corner with a hunting rifle aimed at the space between his eyes. “Then tell me why you couldn’t.”

Alan’s heart was racing at this point. Fear and adrenaline were coursing through his veins like a dangerous drug. He had spent his entire life trying to stay in control of his emotions. But after pushing you away and spending years regretting the pain he had inflicted upon, it became increasingly clear that Ellie Sattler was right about control: control was just an illusion.

“I left because I wanted more,” he blurted before his brain could stop him from giving in to the illusion of control.

Something inside of him ruptured. The cracked, worn-down dam holding back his feelings finally gave way and every little sensation he had kept inside came gushing out in a great flood. He wanted to cry and scream and go quiet all at once.

Lowering his head, he continued, his voice barely above a murmur. “I was terrified of being around you because I didn’t want you to see through me. I thought that if you pulled back that curtain the way you always did and saw how I really felt, then you would want nothing to do with me anymore. There’s a reason that men like me don’t get to be with someone like you.”

The last thing he expected was for you to get closer. In fact, he had been anticipating something along the lines of a slap to the face or a disgusted scoff. But neither of those instances found their footing in his reality. Instead, he found himself being warmed by the proximity of your body and felt a soothing hand curl around the side of his neck.

He slowly lifted his head to meet your gaze. Up close once again, he got lost in the beauty of your eyes. Even when they were flooded with emotion, even when he was crippled by fear and doubt, he was drawn to them like moths to a flame. If it had been physically possible to drown himself in them, there was a good chance that’s how he’d choose to go out.

“And what kind of person do you think I am, Dr. Grant?”

Your voice was low, soft yet sultry. It danced across the space between you and slipped into his ear in a way that was so enticing he nearly shivered. Like a siren’s song, your words drew him back in from the violent waves of his emotions and he found himself focusing solely on the way your lips formed around each end every syllable in the sentence.

“The kind of person that, no matter how hard you try, you can’t stop thinking about them,” he murmured, his gaze flicking between your eyes and your lips, “Someone so incredibly beautiful and inspiring that you’d do anything to make them see you…Someone you’d never stop loving until the day you were laid to rest…”

His words faded out completely as he leaned in and brushed his lips against yours. Closing his eyes, he let himself melt into your touch. Words could never properly describe the way your kiss made him feel. It took his breath away and yet, at the same time, it was as if you were breathing life into his aching soul. He had spent so many years yearning for you and now that he had you in his grasp, he didn’t want to let go.

When he felt your mouth begin to move slowly against his, inviting him to go further and dig deeper into the hills of satisfaction, he brought one hand up to cup your cheek. The gentle movements of his mouth descended into something primal when your tongue brushed against his bottom lip. In an instant, his inhibitions broke free from their restraints and threw his body into a frenzy. He kissed you hard and deep, drawing a quiet moan from somewhere within your chest. The sound made his stomach twist with pleasure. What other noises could he procure from these lips? What ungodly sounds would he make himself if he continued to expel several years’ worth of yearning and regret?

“Alan…”

He swallowed his name like a starving animal and used his other hand to grapple at your waist and pull you in tighter. The weight and heat of your body pressed against his made him feel a sense of comfort he never thought possible. Here with you, he was safe. Here with you, he would never be afraid of the ancient demons that lurked in the forests of Isla Nublar and Isla Sorna. Here with you, he was home.

His hips instinctively ground against yours as he let himself drown in the taste of your lips. There was a desperation in his movements that he didn’t even know could exist. Too many years, too little touch. And now here you were giving him something he’d only ever dreamed of.

“Alan.”

The sternness of your voice drew him back to reality in an instant, his self-restraint kicking back into overdrive and forcing him to pull away. If his cheeks weren’t already flush from the heat of it all, there was no doubt that he was burning an embarrassing shade of red.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured breathlessly, “I shouldn’t have—“

You interjected immediately, hand holding his jaw in place so he couldn’t look away. “No. Don’t apologize. I want this. I want you,” you reassured him, “You really think I’d drive all the way out to the dunes just to see you if I didn’t want this?”

His brow raised slightly, eyes studying your face with the same scrutiny he placed into his work. When it came to fossils, he could read every crack and curve of bone like a book and piece together everything that ever happened to an animal that had died millions of years ago. If he could learn to read you the same way, he’d die a very happy man.

“I just don’t really need a hallway full of strangers to hear what we’re doing,” you added with a sheepish grin.

It was at that moment that his spacial awareness returned. While his enamored brain had convinced itself that the two of you were tucked away in your own little world, you were still standing outside the door to your hotel room with a seemingly endless line of identical doors stretching out in either direction.

“Oh.”

You chuckled and brought your other hand up to hold his scruffy jaw, pulling him down to give him a soft kiss. He accepted it without any hesitation.

“Will you stay with me tonight?”

The question reignited a spark in his stomach. His eyes scanned your face some more, almost hurriedly trying to verify that your expression coincided with the words he was hearing. Sure enough, the two pieces matched perfectly and any doubt he had of your intentions was wiped out by a meteor of certainty.

He nodded, ghosting his lips over yours again as he muttered, “Of course.”

Your hands fell from his face as you stepped back. While he had no trouble waiting patiently for you to find your key card and unlock the door, there was no way he could ignore the pounding in his chest. His heart was beating unbearably fast, hopped up on adrenaline and a whole concoction of other emotions he didn’t yet have the strength to unpack. There was still a tiny voice in his head trying to convince him that he didn’t deserve this. It wanted him to remember his fears, to consider the fact that the world was populated by millions of people who were better suited to stand at your side.

But when your fingers laced between his to pull you forward and he heard the hotel door click shut behind him, that tiny voice fell silent. From then on, the only thing he wanted to hear was you.