#never give your trust away
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#black sabbath#killing yourself to live#asbury park#1975#never give your trust away#you'll end up in paying till your dying day
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i really do admire how lando tries to not give a fuck (that 'whatever' really saddened me so much) but he actually does, and a lot.
guy doesn't even want anything absurd, he just wants the support of his team for the last fucking 4 races but no... let's just get humiliated for one point on international tv💀.
they're really stretching him thin — and i mean it in a emotional and mental wellbeing way. he is obviously inherently selfless and quite literally does not hold self-esteem, but in the last year we've seen him trying to be more sure of himself and trying to be selfish for once. the moment he does that though, he gets accused of being the spawn of satan. and then the team does everything in the world to make it harder for him.
so i really do admire him, because i literally would PERSONALLY leave the sport after this one season.
he's so much stronger than i am.
#im not saying he's not fit for the sport#but like his very dear friend carlos#it feels like he not only keeps his heart on his sleeve#but he also gives it away so freely in a sport full of rabid dogs that want some fresh meat#and he gets really hurt in the process#i relate to him so much bc of this#im not joking when i say his 'friendship' with max is nearing the end#and the team is not even mean they just don't get that when they have championships on the line YOU UNFORTUNATELY HAVE TO PLAY FAVORITES#we got lesser teams doing it from the getgo when they have no reason to💀#and suddenly mclaren doesn't know how?#is it really that hard??#landino#lando norris#brazil gp 2024#rambling#it all started from hungary btw they really set the mood there and its been... foul#it's not even oscar's fault#he is a competitive teammate#he has every right to race#does lando really have anyone atp?#and yes yes i know they're rich billionaires they get paid for this#still doesn't mean they're insensible or immune to feeling betrayed or deceived or just sad bc they trusted someone#and he's a scorpio too so im SHOCKED about how he handles this#ALSO HE GIVES TOO MANY FUCKS#and he rightfully doesn't even give the blame to anyone but himself most of the times when i'd argue that it almost never is#your team is supposed to be your backbone in your first actual fight for the championship... and even after all the years of constant work#and points he brought#not even when finally the car is competitive they can actually do their job and support their driver that is the top contender?
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how many of you would get mad at me if i said that mulder fucking another woman while wearing scully’s crucifix necklace is one of the most romantic things to ever happen….like, gothically and punitively so….it’s like….well, it’s like…it’s like “aw boohoo he has to get laid because he’s so sad his partner is gone” but like for a person who never allows themself any indulgence or respite or attention, who therefore only has sex as penance. only in blood. and it’s like…yes, it’s self-harm, in many ways, but in many ways it is also confession. crucifixion, as a laying down of sin. bless me father, for i can’t save them, and i miss them anyway. crucifixion as being watched over…when he asked maggie, “why did she wear this?” and maggie answered, “because i gave it to her.”
#when you don’t believe in god but you believe in her so you give yourself religious guilt#he literally……he puts it on for his first case without her. for his first time away from home without her.#and therefore endows this kind of omniscient presence into it#it really is like being watched over. confession.#‘vampirism as an allegory for devotion and religion and abuse’ episode i am sorry i was not your mother#not everyone got it but i did#like….top 10 television episodes of all time. not just this show.#txf.txt#3#also it’s an admission.#it’s an admission that he can connect with someone and desire that type of connection#he’s capable and maybe he wants it. maybe it means something.#the trust and care that existed between him and kristen has existed with 100 other women and never been anything more than#friendly and respectful#but maybe when it really comes down to it he does want to be seen in another light and that is a lot to admit
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the lack of fandom insanity about aloy hzd is crazy to me.....she was literally born of immaculate conception to be the saviour of a world that doesnt want her. she was the loneliest girl in the world the first and last of her kind. while gay
#she is everything to me!!!!!!!!#went back to my hzd replay and in my feelings currently#also started on burning shores finally and while its good. for reasons known. opening hfw again does remind me#how i feel that it did not do justice to the themes of hzd#manyyyy thoughts on that#one major thing is that the zeniths even existing takes away the fact that up to that point there was absolutely nobody left#from the old world. just recording and emails and broken holograms#not even gaia (!!)#(yes it is very important to me that the gaia in hfw is just a backup copy she is the same program per se but NOT the same gaia#that chose to give life to aloy. out of her love and trust in elisabet. it was actually very impactful imo how that gaia was destroyed#before she could ever speak to aloy. she could nly leave her a message. addressing her as elisabet iirc#which ended on 'i only wish i could hear your voice again' DEAR GOD#anyways the fact that the hfw gaia is NOT the same one. and thats never addressed or anything#just encapsulates the emotional hollowness of hfw compared to hzd#hzd just had this massive all encompasing theme of loneliness. that came together in all aspects of the game#hfw was such a paradigm shift from that it should have been more meaningful#but they got lost in the sauce and ended up with kind of a nothingburger in comparison#hzd was a story hfw was just a game. THERE!!#wow this turned into kind of a rant anyways. aloy girl of all time!!!!#hzd#hfw#aloy
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FUCK RECENT BOOK JUST ENDED?!?!???!!
#i have been away too long. WEIRD ass position to be in.#constantly obsessing over my interest but getting scared to interact w it outside of the mind palace#gguuuhhh..... the... ISSUES....... why do i have so many of them...#I NEVER EVEN FULLY FINISHED SEIDER'S BOOK. i was scared of disappointment and scared of an ending#ugh .. but i am... so invested in ratatoskr... alfonse's insane dynamic w her. even if we don't see more of it#like. just the fact that we got That Scene. gave me enough of alfonse's character to work w for A LIFE TIME.#like to me. it can DIRECTLY translate to how he theoretically has been w sharena growing up.#and it still drives me so insane that alfonse has no personal attachment to ratatoskr and is (EVEN SELF ADMITTED!)#using her to his own ends. BUT. BUT. he's still so fucking good to her??? respecting her autonomy#again even if that WAS to win her over. like he was So good about it. IDK IDK IT'S THAT MIXTURE#of an act being purely practical and even self-serving. but he's honest and kind about it.#and ultimately it's on her if she wants to accept that under the given conditions/expectations.#and then ofc the Scheming. alfonse's METICULOUS ride or die act. ratatoskr made the informed choice to trust him#AND BOY HOWDY. WHAT THE FUCK. SIR. i KNOW you have your reasons and all of this is a means to an end#AND THAT'S WHAT DRIVES ME EVEN MORE INSANE. give him a compelling enough reason not just personal practical too#and even if he met you like yesterday. or maybe generously. maybe a week has passed.#this guy is both READY and WILLING. to put his life on the line for you. GOD.#uhghhhh... maybe i should actually play feh.........
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If you don’t mind, I’m gonna yap for a second.. I think another problem with Kab is how sudden the turn around was. Like in the first convo where Kab was acting “evil”, Zam fought back with the argument that she’s wasn’t really evil at all and I think he did believe that at least a little. And if Kab slowly began to turn her path around then he would be a bit more trusting cause he would have SEEN her actual emotional growth but the turn around was so fast, it feels like there was no emotional growth at all and that Kab is still the same as before, cause she basically is. She still wants Mane dead no matter the cost and she’s still, intentionally or not, trying to manipulate Zam, but she wants to be treated as if she’s had that whole long term emotional growth
yeah ii think this is where her majority experience with short-term smps really bit her in the ass, i think there are two main directions that other ppl take it tho: 1. is as what you speculate in that some ppl think that she hasnt had genuine growth and hasnt changed at all and 2. that she genuinely changes too quickly and is therefore unreliable regardless of if shes being honest or not
i think the reason zam was so receptive to her in silent scream was cause this has been a recurrent plot point for a couple streams now, kab trespassing zams base to yap while zam tries to decipher her wants and motivations until eventually she just let it all out and in that instance i think he did genuinely believed that she changed even if it was slowly/just a little bit
....but then die for you happened lol
ssee the thing about kab is that shes shes all-or-nothing, going from one extreme to the next after just a little bit of change in character which can be jarring to some ppl to say the least (unless you thought she was lying and therefore any character development shouldnt be believed i suppose) but is something that was a great asset in shorter and arena-based smps where you had to get as much advantage against your opponent as possible without having to worry about the long-term consequences of these actions ie them not trusting you while still having to interact often in mundane ways even after messing with them. while she Can be swayed this only really works with things she was already unsure of which while a great motivator and trait to keep her on track with her goals (again another great trait for short-term smps), can be really jarring and distressing for other ppl if the things she was absolutely sure about goes against their own perspective like for example her thinking that derapchu killing her constitutes zam getting payback for her as the protector of the server (The protector, not A protector like zam insists, The protector of the server)
i think shes far too used to the fast-paced instant acceptance of changed personality in arena smps that is a natural consequence of them being short-term and having a revolving door of members and teams which is why she expects ppl to accept her growth and efforts so quickly even if realistically nobody would hand over their trust that easily esp after essentially being harassed in their own home multiple times, like even in normal smps where theres a baseline amount of trust ppl still wouldnt trust you after doing that, what more in a server like lifesteal where general trust is low basically all the time?
#mine.ask#Anonymous#i wrote most of this at like 2 am cause i couldnt sleep so i hope this is understandable lol#like. kabs actions are logical sure but its one extreme to the next#even zam takes at least a couple weeks before changing into something opposite than he was#and hes one of if not the most fickle ppl on the server#like. idk. ive noticed from tge beginning that kabs lore is pretty fast-paced compared to everyone else#but after she got fixated on zam it increased by a lot i feel#like hating him one moment then loving him the next#like damn girl is he your fp /j#but yeah a lot of things kab does can be explained away by the fact that shes never really had to deal with the long-term consequences#of fucking with someone#whether it be because of the fact the smps she was in were short ones or cause clown was there to get rid of her opps#and like. in a regular smp maybe ppl would believe her more#but this is ls where all the players are accutely aware of the fact that trusting the wrong ppl could get them killed or worse#and kab not only has an untrustworthy rep thanks to money smp (that she was was proudly flaunting)(also derap is here)#but her still continuing to lie and manipulate ppl does not make ppl want to give her the necessary baseline trust#that would constitute believing in her whenever she changes her mind/direction#and unfortunately for her; now that shes been established as untrustworthy on lifesteal itself#(compare her rep to wemmbu whos rep comes from non-ls smps and is proudly trustworthy and loyal on ls itself)#that baseline trust is gonna be really difficult to go against#i was gonna give spoke as an example but then remembered he manipulated pbaj during the election arc lmao#but uh yeah reputation is really important on ls whether the players like it or not and kabs rep is unfortunately not the best#like bruh zam thinks shes less trustworthy than Spoke#do you have any idea how untrustwortthy someone would feel you are to get that low on the trustworthiness tier???#like damn it hasnt even been a full season yet
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im gonna say it. the only people who genuinely think willow "forgave" amity too quick are all under 17 years old
#krav talks#there is a fuckin reason why its considered sage advice to let go of your anger and bitterness towards ppl who hurt you#bcus that shit will rot you from the inside out#THERE WAS A WHOLE EPISODE ABOUT HOW WILLOW NOT BEING ABLE TO LET GO OF HER HURT WAS LITERALLY DESTROYING HER#THAT WASNT JUST AMITY'S DOING. THAT WAS ALSO WILLOW HOLDING ONTO HER ANGER AND PAIN FOR TOO LONG#AND IT WASNT WILLOWS FAULT SHE COULDNT FIND CLOSURE UNTIL AMITY GAVE IT TO HER#BUT IT WAS STILL DESTROYING HER AND SHE KNEW IT#willow did not forgive amity. amity gave willow closure#she basically helped willow flush out her festering wound and put a bandage on it#like NO the pain didnt go away immediately#but amity helped willow to heal!!! and YEAH theres always gonna be a scar and amity & willow will have to work with each other for years#to build their relationship back up to what it once was#and maybe it never WILL be what it once was#but both of them were willing to TRY#THAT was the point of that episode. THAT is what willow said was 'a start'#bcus they BOTH would have to work towards it bcus friendship is a two way street!!!#and willow unfortunately is someone who gives second third and fourth chances to ppl who hurt her bcus of her self confidence issues#but amity never tried to take advantage of that. she never went back on her word to willow. she has lied to willow ONCE and then never agai#thats why it seems like they become friends again pretty fast#bcus willow is a very trusting person and amity always upholds her end of the 'deal'#so they both let themselves be vulnerable around each other. even if willow is scared of being hurt again.#even if amity is scared of hurting willow again. they both make that effort to let the other in bcus they really do love each other a lot.#toh
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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most x reader is stuff is so brat coded and i fear that that can’t be me
(not a vent btw just some personal self reflecting)
#which is why i click off those posts and write my own stuff btw!#especially with age gap tropes like i used to be a teachers pet as a kid i could never make someone mad at me on purpose#i need approval too much and being nd degradation would be too real to me#im a sensitive bitch unfortunately and that feels like its not as valid???? idk i wish i could be into what other people are strong enough#- to be into#absolutely no hate to people who are brats/into those kinks it just makes me feel bad about myself lmao#like my daddy issues are so bad i cant handle any meanness#need to be babied in a sickening sweet way like how you would treat an ugly stray cat#like they scratch your arms to get away bc theyre scared but ur like ‘awwww its okay <3’#soft doms who respond to you pushing them away by cooing and lovingly forcing you to stay put my beloveds#also not into having their anger being taken out on me like we can talk about it but if you try to physically hurt me abt it ill kill you#it justs gives me flashbacks personally#like im guarded and i dont trust people but once someone gets past that im such a weirdo devoted bottom
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Been trying to working on my trust issues thru writing and here's the problem: I think everything I say makes sense how does everyone else not think this way
#lindsay speaks#// vent ish#like yk usually therapist say it's coming from an irrational fear but i don't feel like I'm being irrational i think I'm very logical#like i mentioned recently i don't believe in absolutes especially in relationships and the counselor I was talking to was baffled ghhghfh#''not even your family?'' girl especially??? what are we talking about#and then it was how do you know if you don't try / every person is different every relationship is and it's like yeah#but someone always leaves first there's no other end to this story yadayada so then it's it's normal for relationships to only last a seaso#like ok so you agree there are no absolutes and shes like wait no. ok so what gives. there's no such thing as unconditional love#there's always conditions. there's always exceptions. there's always an end. and the majority of the time it's a bloody one.#so really why treat anything seriously.... it will never last soooo... i give up#literally everytime i have said ''yk what... I'm going to trust them. if they say nothing's wrong then nothing's wrong. if I'm loving them#wrong they will let me know. if they hate me they will tell me. stop worrying stop worrying!!'' and then it's always [#[psychological manipulation] [psychological manipulation] [psychological manipulation]#and I'm left feeling like what the fuck is reality what is going on and they're like ''yk you're just not fun anymore'' and throw me away#meanwhile I'm still laying there in the garbage bin confused as fuck !!!!!!!! what the hell !!!!!! I'm not fun anymore because I'm hurt??#and confused???#so no. absolutes do not exist. and people will leave you for reasons such as ''too emotional'' or ''no fun anymore''#and I've accepted that. i guess it's trying to unaccept it that i struggle with.#because logically. it just makes sense.#and it's ruining my life that i can't trust anyone#and I'm right about it.#and if it's not a universal truth then... it's just me. and I'm cursed#my b lemme stop being so not fun then.
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Why I like yanderes is they hurt their beloved? Nah I don’t like these, I prefer only the manager mind yandere that win at the end but play their cards so good that either darling never notice it or if they did make it so good the play that the darling still stay with zero need for violence. no all yandere are brutes impatient’s some have ambition and don’t let panic destroy their goals also that they know darling love them help, no all of these yandere see us so easy to go for another person, that they eliminated the treat if they see it as a true danger(no by darling part) and do it while darling is minding their own business is other thing all together .
#Yanderes#yandere imagine#yandere scenarios#male yandere#female yandere#Long live to intelligent yanderes#Impulsive yanderes is soo overrated#Why kill the darling if you could make the darling trust you and by this you trust them#A yandere that don’t take away your freedom and support you while manipulating your relationships in a imaginary pink bubble#Only killing if someone really notice their red flag and try to divide the couple and if the person really look like a true treat#👌🏽🥰#Give us more intelligent and strategic mindset yandere give us a yandere that don’t swayed their eyes from the end game#A yandere that never hurt you even if desilutional#A yandere that don’t try to make you comfy with their standards but try to surpass yours#A yandere that will break someone hand if they try to hurt you#A yandere that love you at your best and worsts
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Lol out of curiosity I looked up my old job on Indeed and yes they ARE urgently hiring for the position and if I didn't get treated like dog shit for expecting a stress free work environment with reasonable expectations and not wildly cunty management who seemed to be under the impression they were doing THE most important job at THE most important store ever maybe I wouldn't have just not shown up one day 🤷🏻♀️ asshole thing to do to my poor coworkers but I didn't even have the energy to quit right after spending a month and a half feeling deeply surveilled at every aspect of my job lest I get another frivolous writeup no one else got for doing their jobs worse than me so fine. You want me gone enough to threaten my livelihood and SHRUG when I point out I have rent to pay, fine, but I wouldn't put up with that behavior from anyone in my life generally and I LIKE those people so my JOB pulling bullshit? Oh hell no, if I wouldn't take it from people I CHOOSE to be around on purpose I ain't taking shit from a fucking JOB. I refuse to be in a work environment that's unaware it's a GROCERY STORE, not a 5 star establishment frequented exclusively by world leaders or some shit. Like Sam, my job is cooking food at a fucking sobeys and you're acting as if I'm disarming bombs it's so important get reasonable priorities and standards for employees and then apply them equally to managers and not EXCLUSIVELY minimum wage staff 🙄
Which is funny because my new job everyone seems surprised with how fast I've caught on to stuff down to a coworker yesterday telling me he thought I worked in a shoppers prior to the pharmacy I'm in because Im catching on so quick. This isn't unusual for me either, some time in the last five or so years I've found every workplace I'm at I end up being heavily relied on because I'm good at my job, so fucking sucks to suck for sobeys because it took me some week or so to be consistently praised for being better at the job than the guy I replaced only for them to throw that out because they think management should be able to do whatever the fuck they want while they shove minimum wage staff under a fucking microscope to ensure they're doing their shit right and even that isn't consistent. They punished me exclusively because I did not lay down to be treated as a door mat and dished the treatment I got handed. If you treat me like shit I WILL treat you the way you treat me, no worse, and sometimes a little better because I don't lose my moral standards in that treatment either. Just because I'm being an ass doesn't mean I'm willing to do whatever the fuck, just enough to ensure that the person who's decided I'm their new plaything knows that'll be going both ways so fuck off. I've never had a job so willing to keep on shit management they had at LEAST a dozen meetings with regarding performance and I was the one who got punished for being frustrated about that. But I will take a new significantly less stressful job 🙌🏻
#winters ramblings#anyway theyre “urgently hiring” and if they listened when the fuck i told them i was so stressed i was clenching my fists#so hard in my sleep my hands would be DEAD STIFF and locked in place in the morning and required me to carefully massage them#and exercise the muscles and even then my hands still hurt. i told them ive been throwing up from stress AND i told them i was job hunting#because this was all bullshit. they KNEW where i was at and they should have listened but they didnt so fine#fuck me around 17 ways to sunday teo can play at that game and i didnt come here to be involved in a game at all#but force me onto that fucking biard then dont get mad when i flip it and walk away#im a grown assed adult i have no patience for workplaces that don't understand youre not a fucking slave#and the workplace isnt something Extremely Important And Special its a cucking GROCERY STORE and i wasnt even workinh#one if the jobs that DOES absolutely make a grocery store necessary i made fucking hot food everyone treated as Top Notch Shit#when ut was frozen boxed chicken strips and ut us INSULTING to me to teach me HOW to cook fucking BOXED FOOD#and NO i did bot take that “”“too personally”“' while they were trying to ”improve“ store standards#its fucking BOXED CHICKEN STRIPS guys why the fuck are we treating it like ROCKET SCIENCE??!?#i dont actually think its unreasonable to be angry your manager cannot even trust you to make food from a fucking BOX#without a chef coming in and treating you like some kind of idiot whohas never made a food in my LIFE despite#me cooking a lot more complicated shit at home on a regular basis. give me a fucking BREAK acting as if#it was StOrE sTaNdArD changes or whatever do YOU nit understand boxed food isnt HARD to make or do you need that explained#to you?? like i take shit too personally no YOU have unreasonable standards for EXCLUSIVELY your lowest wage staff#and im NOT bring held to a higher working standard than MANAGEMENT
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For the first time ever, i failed a term paper. The lecturer opened the conversation with the words "you handed in an excellent term paper. Really, A+!" And then continued to point out to me what she liked most. And then told me that that one bitch that was tormenting me last semester had copied all of the notes i shared with her for our presentation. Which is why she can't let me pass because while she Knows it's not my fault she couldn't prove it to anyone if questioned about it. So we both fail. But luckily for me, i get another chance. The 15 minutes i talked to her were truly refreshing
#seriously it's so funny that you tell me i failed my paper and i leave in a good mood lmao#i was so scared she'd say it was bad#i would probably have been devastated of she'd told me this and this and this was bad and she can't give me anything better than a C#but we essentially just spent 15 minutes ranting about that bitch and how fucking annoying she is#(she asked me not to share that with anyone. i trust all of you will keep your discretion about this matter lol)#she even asked me if i needed help with getting that bitch to stay away from me#'prof. (name) and I KNOW about her and how difficult she is#we cannot prevent her from studying here but we monitor her closely. so let me know if she tries to use you again#WE CANNOT PREVENT HER FROM STUDYING HERE AHAHAHA#but god we wish we could#'i would never invite her to any of my office hours because i know she would never leave'#i love that lecturer again#i was a bit annoyed at her for asking me to come in because i assumed it would be because she thought my work was bad#but i almost felt sorry for this situation because she seemed so sad and sorry herself#because she kept telling me 'believe me i Know you didn't do anything wrong but i just can't prove it officially'#and then we settled for me doing the paper again and the other student just getting a fail and that she could go fuck herself essentially#(she did not use these words but god was it funny to hear her obvious dislike of that person#anyway#idk if shes in germany again or if she maybe dropped out of the program because i haven't seen her since the semester started#but i have the official permission to block her number and ignore her forever and always#(yes my friends and my mother told me to do this months ago#yes it's my fault for not doing so earlier and letting her use me like that#but it's nice to have the support of a lecturer like that)#void screams#university ramblings
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strelitzia but she has kingdom key d (aka lightseeker) on my mind today.
#dave rants#gestures w one hand. when god looks down at you and gives you half of the only thing that can slay it and trusts you to do the right thing#and defend the worlds it hangs over despite all you have been through in its stead. when u hold in ur hands a fragmented piece of what is a#manifestation of the one who killed you before bc it never goes away. when your sword is named for those seeking the light and has epithets#for how it holds darkness in its wake and u made a choice to purge that knowing now it was wrong.#or something idk .
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dni.
#i don't know how people who do not have siblings live cause#whenever i feel the very intense and real urge to genuinely kms their faces pop up in my head#my sister laughing at my jokes after she had a bad day and saying with tears in her eyes that hey you know what i need you so much please#call me constantly when im abroad i don't know what I'd do without you#and my little brother not trusting my parents advice when he is sick because he thinks they're constantly telling him to do a hundred thing#anyway but listening to me when im giving the exact same advice asking me such innocent questions that seem so obvious#but he doesn't know because of his childlike innocence#like why are we not going to the doctor if i have fever how do our parents know how to cure it and how can i take dolo without a doctors#prescription and me laughing and explaining that it's okay it's normal it's paracetamol you don't have to worry you'll be okay in day or 2#or how he's excitedly telling me that these are the colleges i looked up are they good how do you know if they're good#he needs me so much even tho he'd never say it they've been even worse parents to him than to me he doesn't have anyone else#so then how could i be so selfish and hurt the two people who love and need me the most the two people on whom if i see tears#it feels like a stab directly to the heart?#but i can't help it. can't help fantasizing about dying#maybe myself but even better if by some terminal illness#i keep thinking me lying in a hospital bed and doctors saying there's a complicated procedure and it's very expensive and results aren't#even guaranteed so are you sure want to be treated#and me saying no please let me die my parents would protest at first they would feel it is their duty responsibility to keep me alive#but id say please i don't have anything to live for and i just CAN'T i can't do this i can't live this life it's too difficult im not#capable im already failing please just let me give up and then they'd agree#and then i would tell my father that im sorry i couldn't pay you back for all the money you spent on me my education my living expenses#but atleast now i won't ask for anymore money from you ever you'll probably get some money from the insurance policies#and i would tell my mom that sorry for being such a burden on you all these years but now you can finally be free with the 2 kids you#actually love and you never have to cook for me again or fold my clothes or feel bad that i won't attend your family functions#and i would tell my siblings that i know it's sad but please i know you guys are strong and bright and you're gonna be very happy and#successful and that's enough for me im sorry we couldn't have our dream raksha bandhan away from our parents but you can carry on without#me and ill always love you. and that would be it.#i know it's wrong to fantasize so much about dying and ive read somewhere that they may just seem like thoughts now but if left untreated#one day you're gonna have a bad day and you're gonna find the perfect opportunity and you were so sure you were never going to do it but#then you do. but i don't know how to stop
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Sooooo ummmmmmm this is something that's probably going to piss a lot of people off, but I feel like I really need to say it.
If you get a message from an account claiming to be a Palestinian fundraiser, it is a bot. It is a scam. You need to report & delete the message and encourage others to do the same.
I know because I get messages on this account DAILY. I have a very high follower count and I'm pretty active and I interact with my followers a lot, and apparently that all adds up to one big bot magnet.
Bots following and messaging this account was a MASSIVE problem before Tumblr fixed its new account policies. I used to spend literally hours blocking and reporting the hundreds of bots that I would get following me each day.
I learned a lot about bots and how to identify them. The easiest way is with no avatar, "untitled" in the blog description (BTW if your avatar is still set to default PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD change it because you run a substantial risk of being accidentally blocked & reported as a bot).
One of the dead give aways of a bot was what I call "word salad" names. Three seemingly random words strung together making no sense, always adjective, adjective or noun, noun. If you reported a lot of these bots, you'd notice the same words kept showing up.
Nowadays, I am bombarded with fundraiser requests and sometimes, they don't even bother to hide the fact that they're a bot. The avatar is default, the blog title is "untitled," and the blog name is a classic randomly-generated word salad.
However MOST of the requests I get come from at least semi-legit looking accounts. There are pictures, a name, a story. Never mind that I've gotten that message three times from different accounts.
Sometimes, they claim to be vetted, but the whole vetting system essentially adds up to "trust me bro." There is no way of guaranteeing that this account isn't just lying about being vetted, claiming to be vetted by a false person, or are using the identity of a real Palestinian to scam people.
Previously, I've seen a lot of people getting attacked for raising questions about these fundraisers and getting attacked for being racist or for harming Palestinian families in danger, like Tumblr isn't a website famous for its scams and the words "The Arkh Project" "All or Nothing" or "Miss Officer and Mr. Truffles" mean nothing to you.
I personally have been scammed by people claiming to be charities on Tumblr before, specifically, The Leelah Project which used the name of a trans teenager who died by suicide to swindle people out of their money.
Luckily, there are actual, respected charities out there you can give money to if you want to help the cause:
Palestinian Children's Relief Fund
Palestine Red Crescent Society
United Nations Relief Works Agency
Islamic Relief
World Central Kitchen
Médecins Sans Frontièrs
One of the hardest things to accept about the situation in Palestine is that realistically, there is very little that your average outsider can do to change it. However, these large, well-respected and trustworthy charities are out there doing the hard work to keep people alive, and should be where the donation money is going
These scam bots feed on people's naïvety and need to believe that they are making a difference, and even worse, feed on the fear that by ignoring them, it somehow makes you a racist doing direct harm to a refugee family, when in fact they are using the suffering of Palestinians to take away money from those in need.
As far as fundraisers that don't send out random asks for donations, I honestly don't know. You'll have to do the work yourself and approach with much caution.
Be careful out there.
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