#it justs gives me flashbacks personally
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most x reader is stuff is so brat coded and i fear that that can’t be me
(not a vent btw just some personal self reflecting)
#which is why i click off those posts and write my own stuff btw!#especially with age gap tropes like i used to be a teachers pet as a kid i could never make someone mad at me on purpose#i need approval too much and being nd degradation would be too real to me#im a sensitive bitch unfortunately and that feels like its not as valid???? idk i wish i could be into what other people are strong enough#- to be into#absolutely no hate to people who are brats/into those kinks it just makes me feel bad about myself lmao#like my daddy issues are so bad i cant handle any meanness#need to be babied in a sickening sweet way like how you would treat an ugly stray cat#like they scratch your arms to get away bc theyre scared but ur like ‘awwww its okay <3’#soft doms who respond to you pushing them away by cooing and lovingly forcing you to stay put my beloveds#also not into having their anger being taken out on me like we can talk about it but if you try to physically hurt me abt it ill kill you#it justs gives me flashbacks personally#like im guarded and i dont trust people but once someone gets past that im such a weirdo devoted bottom
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Flower Empowered.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#lan wangji#wei wuxian#lan wunian#The absolute chaos that ensued when Lan Wangji showed up...those girls went wild.#We have to give kudos to narration that takes the form of a bunch of suitor seeking ladies.#They were so loud about being here for the hotties and whispering gossip. You go girls.#Wei Wuxian most likely just picked up a already tossed flower to throw. Second hand flowers...are still flowers I suppose.#Can you imagine if LWJ had allergies? Poor lad.#Okay it's time for the real gritty discussion point. The one everyone is waiting for me to talk about:#So...from where we are in the timeline...what the hell is WWX supposed to be wearing?#I'm serious. Put all the fanart out of your brain for a moment.#We are post burial grounds and sunshot campaign so he's had his little goth moment reveal.#*BUT* he is still with the Jiang sect. And by proxy of this flashback talking about his disrespect - they never bring up his attire.#meaning he is likely in some kind of Jiang Purple.#Continuity wise it really feels like this scene should have been *before* the burial mounds.#I understand why it's post - we need to build up on the mystery of how he became the YLLZ.#But also his personality feels way more 'pre-burial mounds WWX'. I think this was probably a 'I don't want to kill my darling' scene.#(The Phoenix mountain flashback is a lot of people's 'darling'. I am knowingly putting myself in the line of fire here).#I'm willingly putting him in Wen Qing's borrowed cloak and assuming people take him wearing it as like...a war trophy.#Historians will revise this moment later on but for now he *is* a hero of that war.
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she red on my stoner until the red sun never sets IT NEVER SETS I AHVENT SLEPT
#just some doodle ideas of redstoner yk how it iss#idk hair tho ill prilly change it#but i was thinking about him & thought OH BOY what if his derpy eyes were bc of goggles#?? then got carried away but not 2 much#i dont reeeeeeeaaaaaallllllllyyyyyy like this design all 2 much but it is my 1st doodle#i started rewatching it…. i havent watched this since i was in @ least middle school#im getting flashbacks from me pausing 2 read the trxt like HELP#does any1 even care about redstoner?? hello… HELLO??#im thinking back on it & this might b the 1st like edgy angsty minecraft rp thing i got in2#FUCKING REDSTONER IS MY FOUNDATION & ITS GOOD#i love u redstoners#redstoner#i dont wanna put this in the ross tag tbh IDEK IF THERE IS 1#uhhh#yourpalross#mcyt#puppee art#get me out of the minecraft hole pls some1 save me#if im not careful i might actually choose 2 suffer & rewatch donot laugh again#shout out 2 ross gaming who gives me 2 much gender & i was rlly close 2 changing my name 2 ross or daniel bc of him#((i did 4 a bit but thats not the point))#im pretty sure ive been watching this guy 4 like way 2 long IM ORETTY SURE HE SHAPED MY PERSONALITY#SOME1 HELPPP
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⬇️rant about a really good hengren (reverse renheng) fic i read. link at the bottom give it a whirl
i've never read a fic so well-catered to my tastes before in my life and the best part is that i was so caught off guard by how good it was cuz the tags and summary had me like "right this is some omegaverse-esque, rawr XD mating shit"
but from the very first paragraph i realized it wasn't just ao3-typical possessive mating shit it was (dare i say) IN CHARACTER possessive mating shit. underappreciated dan feng lore is the two hearts shit, duty expects him to smother his own empathy and perform cruelty obediently (and that being in his dragon form literally numbs his empathy towards mortals) but then it's flipped around and he's criticized for being too heartless
there aren't a great many english fics that take advantage of the 'numbed empathy' thing, so this fic using that to explore the toxic codependency that drove dan feng to making yingxing immortal in the first place is so!
dan feng's dragon heart prioritizing it's own indulgence and power, his human heart screaming against it for empathy and restraint, but both hearts united in this possessive adoration of yingxing... dan feng is possessive to the point of harming his partner, forcing them to take his affection, inherently contradictive to the protective impulse to see the other unhurt.
dan feng makes yingxing immortal in a really sketchy operation, despite knowing that yingxing is literally defined by his pride in being a short-life. he wants yingxing to be with him so badly that he does the one thing that would hurt yingxing the most, too blinded by possession, this sickly overbearing affection, to empathetically respect yingxing's death.
yingxing lived cramming every second he could into his craft and his goals precisely because he has so much less time than all the immortal species around him, but when he's forced into immortality, his hands are scarred and ruined past the point of ever crafting again. he suddenly has so much time, all this time he would've cherished as a mortal, but is totally useless to him now that his purpose for living and passion is gone.
so there being a scene in this fic where dan feng is moping "yingxing doesn't wanna fuck because he's glued to his workshop", being followed up with a scene of dan heng fucking blade while kissing his scarred hand and crying that he's "so sorry", yeah no shit asshole, his dragon heart got what it wanted, blade has all the time in the world to fuck and nothing competing for his now limitless attention and no one's happy about it.
as arrogant about being a short-life as yingxing was, it really is compensation for the discrimination he faced for it. other immortals looked down on him, so having dan feng, THE top dog, be so deeply enamored with him stirred his own toxic codependent urges. he was so desperate to have dan feng's eternal regard that he's willing to die for him (as in the sedition), his death being the force cementing his place in dan feng's heart forever.
so the fic having yingxing ruminate on this, that he had hoped for dan feng to love him even centuries after he inevitably died, only for the fic to end with:
yeah yingxing... you left an impression... he made you immortal.... everyone's upset by this
(that's what makes dan heng forgetting blade was ever yingxing to begin with all the more painful because, you went and turned him immortal and when it backfired horrifically you went on and fucking forgot, bitch i'd be pissed to the point of centuries long bloody pursuit of vengeance too.)
here's the fic go read it and leave kudos and a comment, technically porn but i got so invested in the character study that part barely registered. also yeah if you hadn't realized already super dead-dove:
blah blah "renheng is toxic" sorry that's why i like it
#hengren#renheng#txt#fic rec#nsft#idrc about who tops but ppl who are strictly top!blade truthers... give this fic a whirl plz it's so good expand ur horizons#so many other insane ramblings i could have about this fic oh my god the way the cloudhymn magic constantly healing yingxing#parallels blade's selfhealing (a self healing he got BECAUSE dan feng made him immortal)#cementing how his current state really was created by dan feng's desire to keep him and his love eternal URHGHG#ppl have the audacity to say blade is obsessed with dan heng when it was dan feng's obsession that created blade to begin with. kms#and also dan heng's guilt the whole while is 🤌 cuz before he was like. wow. that's SO fucked up. good thing dan feng did it#surely /i'm/ not capable of that -- pan to slow realization that he's still very much dan feng#so the initial rejection of responsibility of dan feng's crimes to realizing that it's deadass just his own crimes he has to atone for#kafka being quietly and subtly comforting of blade and that making dan heng possessive . when the reason blade needs comfort to begin with#is dan heng himself. like. it's so ironic i'll die#more honorable mentions is i love dan heng calling blade 'yingxing' because it's so fucking mean#he's the bitch getting pissed everytime someone calls him dan feng or dares to insinuate he's the same person but he's the exact same bitch#totally doing a 180 on blade and treating him way more kindly after realizing he used to be yingxing#'stop treating me like the shadow of someone who's long gone' bud listen to ur own advice#the unreliable narration between the first two chapters is so fucking good like once you catch on to which dialogue is actually happening#and what was a flashback and etc etc it's SO fucking good#another honorable mention is. lmao. love it when the top cries pathetic men you'll have my heart forever and always#tons of other endless thoughts about and inspired from this fic but give that bad boy a read. so worth#also this author writes sunblade so that's how you KNOW they're enlightened
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Why has it been over a year since i drew layton yaoi what the fuuuuck lol
[ID: a digital painting of Randall Ascot and Hershel Layton from Professor Layton and the Miracle Mask, post-game in their thirties. Hershel is lying on his back in bed, looking adoringly up at Randall, who is sitting on his leg and leaning over Hershel, smirking. Hershel's shirt is unbuttoned to show his belly with a tasteful glimpse of body hair. end ID]
#im nooot entirely happy with this but i like it well enough to post#but no im not gonna point out the parts i dont like#Im like an extremely unhorny person so this is on the Really Risque end of shit i draw (unironically). and its . layton#an extremely unsexful franchise#This pairing just gives me brain worms i think#post-mm ranlay is more interesting to me than flashback ranlay cuz theres so much fucking baggage lol#professor layton#ranlay#randall ascot#hershel layton#professor layton spoilers#miracle mask spoilers#art#2024
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Chapter 661
#naruto#madara#madara uchiha#uchiha madara#second coming of christ (evil)#+ tobirama#The phrasing of this is so fun. Naruto has no shortage of villains dissatisfied with the status quo but I think Madara's the only person wh#views it as ''completing/rectifying a failed project''. If that idea were better executed we'd have Madara's plan reflect the worst of the#world Hashirama built by playing exactly by its rules to give light to the fact that its foundations were deeply flawed.#I mean I think that that was sort of what Kishi was going for but the Infinite Tsukuyomi to me isn't really a good reflection of the shinob#world it's just kind of a stupid plan.#This was sort of the case with Nagato but he wasn't really responding to the beginnings of the system he was responding to while it was#already established. L'intérêt avec Hashirama et Madara is that their story deals with the roots of How It All Ended Up Like This.#So Madara's villain arc attacking the roots of the village system itself especially after we had a whole flashback for it would've been#great instead of whatever this is.
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i finally finished tgcf!!! I definitely had some gripes at times about the pacing (just a personal taste thing, I like short/quick paced things and it felt like it dragged sometimes) but everything from volume 6 onwards was absolutely Crazy, I loved it so much. a lot of those final battles felt extremely cinematic, I felt like I was watching the climax of a shonen anime or something. I also get why people say hualian invented love now, oh my god their love story is beautiful. hua cheng's speech while he's disappearing... I will not be recovering. I love how happy they are in the extras too, I love how much they tease each other :') they deserve this joy after all the shit they've been through
#I definitely have some complaints#like. the weird racism in the banyue arc#i get she was trying to critique things but it was not effective imo#and i think it couldve benefited from some editing... there were some arcs that could've been cut or shortened#that might just be my personal taste though#but i LOVED the black water arc. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time#you give me tragic siblings and doomed yuri and horror elements?? delicious. i want more.#and then everything from the flashback of xie lian's banishment onward was riveting#like. watching xie lian's whole life fall apart was crazy#every time i thought it couldn't possibly get worse IT SOMEHOW GOT WORSE. NAUSEATING.#but then the end of that arc?? with the bamboo hat??? i could've cried. i love you xie lian#and then the next volume is like hey are you feeling better after all that? okay cool TIME FOR GIANT MECH BATTLES#WHAT??? OKAY!!!!!#absolutely insane nonsense. thanks mxtx 👍#and then the final battle... so fucking sick. i love hualian being drift compatible#i love xie lian being absolutely jacked bc he's been living without spiritual powers for 800 years#and i love the strength of ONE BELIEVER!!!!! I LOVE YOU HUA CHENG#explodes. i had fun :)
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I am liking Jujutsu Kaisen, way more than I imagined I would, but I foresee it will let me down and it's keeping me from enjoying this as much as I could haha
I think the characters and dynamics are well set, and I think many of them have an incredibly good and deep potential, but I would be willing to bet they'll not get a proper development, enough for them to really hit. A well assembled set of gears is not enough to make the movement go, you have to wind the clockwork.
I think Gojo and Megumi have a fascinating and very complex dynamic, but I doubt it will be given the time and care that imo it needs to actually work. And it is going well enough for now! One could see the intimacy between them was deeper than the one Gojo had with, say, Yuji and Nobara ever since the very first few episodes despite the fact Fushiguro too was a first year. But the pieces forming what they have are extremely complex, and it just wouldn't be realistic if it doesn't show, even if in a not showing way, or if it doesn't have consequences or implications.
It's one of those dynamics that shape one's life, the way one regards the world, the way one establishes or not relationships with other people. It's one of those dynamics that could be full of fondness, gratitude, resentment, admiration, trust, and that imply intimacy, the good kind or the bad, even if in just the knowledge of someone who's been a constant through your life. It could, and would, imply a myriad of feelings, and probably in such a mix it could imply contradictory feelings too. Even the nothingness would weight, even the nothingness would be significant and meaningful.
Gojo took Megumi and his sister under his wing, the son of a man who murdered him, because of both selfish and selfless reasons. Megumi looks like Toji. What does Gojo feel about this? How does Gojo deal with this? How does Gojo go about taking care of Megumi? Would he walk him to school? Make him breakfast? Celebrate his birthdays making him blow candles? Did he take him to the zoo? Does the relationship between them feel professional or is it something more? Gojo appreciates his students, but is Megumi to him just another student? When Gojo faces Sukuna in Megumi's body, did he see the kid he raised, or does he just see Sukuna in one of his students' body? Did he have one faint wavering instant? And how does Megumi feel about this? Is he resentful of him? Resentful of the situation? Of the selfishness behind his actions? Does he feel like a pawn? Is he grateful? Does he resent feeling grateful? Would he rather not? Does he love Gojo? Does he feel nothing about him other than what he could feel about a teacher that sort of annoys him but knows he's reliable in his strength? Does he think it unfair, cruel or unfeeling that Gojo is close, closer perhaps, with Yuuji or Yuta, considering their story? When Sukuna slices Gojo in two, does the remnants of Megumi's soul tremble?
And not just Megumi and Gojo. Yuuji and Nanami, Gojo and Nanami, Yuuji and Fushiguro, Nobara and the boys, or Nobara and Maki, Todo and Yuuji or Yuta, Gojo and Yuta, Megumi and his sister. Gojo and Geto, even! If the pieces are well set, the dynamics are intriguing, interesting, and have potential to be deep, but then the characters have like two plot relevant scenes that punch you hard, but little more, it's not nearly enough. Especially not nearly enough for the enormity that is shonen dynamics and situations. And the potential existing at all, and then not delivering, makes it all the more frustrating when you're left with something mediocre that could have been so good.
The development of dynamics through not only a few plot relevant gut wrenching moving scenes, but also the smallness of life, is important. The friend who recommended this to me said that those things were just unnecessary filler, but I disagree. I think there's a big difference between a large amount of anime-only filler episodes whose existence is based on the fact they had run out of manga chapters to animate, and moments of quietness. The low stakes character-driven moments of quietness can be so telling and so insightful, and they are so satisfactory when brought back later in higher stakes situations. My friend teased me there was no scene of Gojo making breakfast to Megumi, that it would be an idiotic idea, but it would be so telling. How he makes breakfast, what they eat, if he tries hard or if it's all mechanised, if they have personal bowls or if they use whatever, if he just buys them some pastry on the way to school, if the way they have breakfast changes through the years, or if he doesn't make them breakfast at all! All that would be very insightful on their dynamic and its evolution. All that would give a glimpse on how they regard each other and why, even in the present. All that could become meaningful in tense situations and high stakes scenes.
These moments also let the plot breath; if a lot is happening all the time, if every character is always experiencing trauma after trauma, the entire story is so emotionally draining that at some point you don't even care all that much. Besides, these nothing moments or low stakes plot arcs, besides deepening and developing dynamics, also let some in-world time pass, which would make the intimacy and bond between characters more believable imo; between Yuuji eating Sukuna's finger and their last confrontation in December how much time has passed? A few months? Am I truly to believe these characters are so everything to each other in only a few months?
Without some smallness, some repetition, some daily life, some low stakes not plot-centric development, the dynamics don't hit, they don't truly feel fleshed out, and dynamics as complex as the ones Megumi and Gojo have, or as supposedly meaningful as the one Megumi has with Yuuji or his sister, should be fleshed out if they're going to exist at all. Otherwise they'd risk making the writing feel awkward and fake. Besides, if the dynamics felt well fleshed out and realistic, they would shape the way the characters interact and act, and how they deal with situations, thus being plot relevant.
The shonen genre has so much happening all the time, the stakes are so high, the dynamics are so rooted in big events and the relationships carry enormous weight and implications. Yet they barely get developed, and it feels so stupid, so plain, the absence of something so important noticeable like a constant void, a shapeless nothingness present in every scene. It makes the characters feel like cardboard figures. Jujutsu Kaisen is already getting a better job than many, but I doubt it will do enough for what I've heard, and I fear I am bound to feel let down, and bound to feel unmoved.
After all, if not enough time and care has been given to develop a dynamic, I am not going to feel pressured by the high stakes; if not enough time and care has been given to develop the dynamic between Megumi and Yuuji, as good potential as it has I am bound to feel little for this last confrontation between Sukuna and Itadori, and his effort in getting Megumi back.
#It's not that I think everything has to be character driven or take a lot of care about dynamics#Death Note for instance works well without it. There's juice in the dynamic between Light and his father and the role of Matsuda there#and it works well with Light's views and their evolution and the whole Kira situation. It isn't much. It doesn't need more#But Death Note doesn't truly drop something as big as Gojo and Megumi to then do barely nothing about it#('But L and Watari' not the same at all. That was deepened in the anime and besides Watari is not one of the main characters)#Or Megumi and his sister. If we see barely nothing of Megumi and his sister other than shiny flashbacks of her#how am I to feel moved by it all beyond superficial emotions? I don't know. It just feels so like cardboard to me#And it annoys me! It annoys me a lot! Because Jujutsu Kaisen has amazing potential! The dynamics and characters could be amazing!#But I don't trust they'll live to their full potential and the potential existing for nothing is ruining this for me xD#Jujutsu Kaisen#Sorry this time I'm tagging it. I want to find this and see if I was right when I'm finished. I think I'll read the manga too#The condescending filler breakfast comment by my friend was ironic considering the Kramer vs. Kramer breakfast scenes exist#Breakfast can be so telling. And besides he loves the Chainsaw Man coffee scene so I don't get why not breakfast#But truly some small daily life moments can tell us a lot about a character that we could recognise later on in high stakes scenes#such as how they deal in tense situations‚ what makes them snap#how they go about dealing with a problem.#Sometimes it could be smaller moments or conversations what makes characters reconsider things‚ not just having Sukuna rip their heart out#In Pandora Hearts the conversation between Elliot and Oz about the book series they love and their favourite characters becomes key#Oz's development and how he regards things‚ his own person‚ and how he deals with situations will be shaped later on by this conversation#till the very end. The entire main character's development is shaped by a 'filler' conversation.It's not filler. It's just not a fight scen#Shonen manga readers find everything filler except for fights which is ironic considering that many fights in shonen feel unnecessary#Breakfast is unnecessary. Just filler. Fighting thirty seven secondary monsters or chapter after chapter of physical training is not. Okay#Things can be small but plot relevant. If it shapes and fleshes out and deepens a character or a relationship it is not filler#And mainly MAINLY for the love of everything good if you're going to make a fucked up or Meaningful Beyond Everything dynamic#give it time and care. Actually write it. Don't give me two panels and one conversation after some life and death situation. It's not enoug#Especially if I'm to believe they are important. Make me believe they actually are#I don't know... This issue with not trusting the development of very well set potential in Jujutsu Kaisen#has not only been keeping me from thoroughly enjoying the series‚ but actively keeping me from watching for weeks#It makes me doubt if I want to spend my time in this at all since after all time is limited and we can but spend it in a handful of things#A pity. I really love some things and I really think Megumi and Gojo could be everything to me haha the Heathcliff/Hareton vibe gets me
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Worst flashback/panic attack/whatever the fuck i've had in years how can i project this on jason
#i dont do personal posts but i think if someone doesnt know im fucking suffering rn#itd be bad#i threw up hahahaha fuck him fuck himf uckf him fuck him fuck him fuck gim#i was liteeakky COMUNG HOME FROM THEEAPY and we DIDNT EVEN TALK ABT IT#im losing it bc what he did wasnt illegal and my mom liteeakly comolaids abt jis treatment of me#during my stay n every other adult working there fucking knew its not like everybody couldnt hear him#FUCKING SCRWAMING AT ME#but nooo theres no issue w yelling n raging at a fucking suicidal kid being held against their will in ur stupid fucking#menral health overnight stay place or whatever the fukc osasto was#hes probably still working the same job n i cant even find out who he wss i dknt know his name#its been 3 fucking years n i apparently stkll havie fucking flashbacks#but who gives a fuck right#im neber gonna get closure im never gonna get to yell at him he'll never face consequences#verbal abuse is just fucking fine apparently#who gives a shit abt fucking screaming for an hour at a kid having a severe panic attack/meltdown#repeatedly telling you to LEAVE#thats just not that bad fucking apparently fuck him so bad i hope he got run over by a FUCKING CAR#anyway dw abt me talking abt it helps im more calmed down ill get hugs from my mlm later#this will not be a habit i have just not had a Bad Memory like this in a while so i forgor how yucky it is
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Me thinks I am one of the few who really likes lmk's pacing
#personally I think it's god pacing#They can do a lot in 10 minutes and do it well#Like. Let's look at 4x02#It gives us a SWK & Macaque flashback#It gets Tang Sandy and Pigsy trapped in the scroll#It introduces Azure as a characters (and hints at peng and yellowtusk)#It explains the curse the scroll and gives us a hint of the 10 kings of the underworld#It establishes Azure's relationship with monkey king#AND it get's MK and Mei into the scroll#all in 10 minutes#They blow me outta da water every time#Like. I don't know what we could possible cut out to make time for other things.#Like. *maybe* 3x03. Maybe.#Aughg but I don't want to I'm just so satisfied with what we have#Like RELATIVELY. To the total time the show actually has. I just feel like everything gets a decent amount of focus#Which is my opinion#But I guess this topic as a whole is pretty subjective#anyways#rant end *sheaths my blade*#lmk#lego monkie kid#imp tag
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I finally saw the mean girls musical (the movie one) I have so many fucking thoughts oh my god
#thoughts#oni talks#mean girls 2024#I think I may be the only person to kind of like it? like don’t get me wrong it is kinda ROUGH but it has so much potential and there’s bits#and pieces that I actually really enjoy or wish they had more of or just aahh#I’ve been nonstop thinking about the ideal version in my head like there’s so much potential obviously I’m biased by like a lot#since for one I know I tend to like stuff other people hate or don’t like but for two this sequel was weirdly way more relatable so maybe#I’m just projecting from my own personal experiences but Idc the POTENTIAL THERES SO MUCH ID WANNA DO INSTEAD#like there’s so many little details and characterizations that I wish was expanded on or fleshed out and it’s just like it feels like either#half baked or that it’s gone through too many edits it’s like it’s scared to exist?? like there’s some differences I love and wish they lol#leaned into but it’s like it was terrified to be too different? or like they were rushing the end especially#like in my ideal form it’s a tv show coz I think they honestly have enough that could be genuinely expanded in a way more interesting way#via that format probably not like a super extended series like you COULD but you’d definitely need more expansion but I could see the potent#but like idk one SOLID musical season with expanded character story and not like one of those rush cram shows like a good solid one#like Regina’s characterization is so fascinating but also feels like slightly off and like they could’ve leaned way more into things?#like I think keeping Regina as a closeted lesbian gives the greatest potential and interest for an expanded story#like I loved maybe the first half of the movie the most like that one song she sang to manipulate Aaron would work so much more perfectly if#she’s singing it about/to Cady? I also think in my ideal brain an cool flashback episode for Janis and Regina would be so cool coz there’s#so much you could flesh out in a flashback than you could in a retelling which while I do like the retelling since it lets you imagine thing#I just! potential! I also want more of them interacting and I do think changing Janis to be a lesbian works if they leaned more into it?#I also think in my ideal form janis would have more comeuppance or acknowledgement of her shit? I also think an arc of Regina coming out#like one thing they missed from the original is Regina playing soccer at the end & I think they could hint more towards that and maybe lean#more into her at home life in an expanded story way coz her mom is clearly like… yikes. granted maybe some of my views on the movie are too#biased by personal experience but like the way she snaps at her mom usually in my experience isn’t out of nowhere? like parents behind#closed doors. or frustrations with what her mom has clearly been putting on her the way she tells her mom not to talk about her body is very#like idk a lot of the characters in this version feel more real to me bc they act really similar to people I know irl so the expanded story#could be cool. another one that in my ideal brain would have more is Gretchen and especially her relationships with Regina as well as with#that one guy and her parents I wanna see more of how that works and her arc to feel more meaningful when she dumps him & mentions family#also as much as I didn’t care much for the straight plot stuff there’s 100% missed potential there that I could see in the differences like#iirc in the original it’s regular algebra not AP calc which I think could’ve been used as an interesting characterization opportunity for
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I hope it's okay to ask, but how are things? Looking forward to Underline The Gold on Sunday so much
Omg I'm looking forward to it too
Tbh I'm up to chapter 8 on that now so we're ready to really start pushing ahead with some of the side stories which is exciting
As for me, it's been pretty rough, anon, not gonna lie. I'm going to put this under a read more because I'm pretty honest and also because there's more than one 'I might have cancer' mention among other things:
I kind of thought I was doing fine and then it all got on top of me a couple of days ago and (self-harm mention) I ended up self-injuring due to autistic meltdown. Sometimes I don't realise how bad things really are until I'm at that stage and I have bruises and soft tissue damage to show for it. I've since talked to my doctor and therapist about it, but like...oof.
I've actually been taking a break from writing since I've hit 50k and I generally have a rule that I have to take at least 2-4 days off once I've hit that point, but I'm still pretty stuffed, but mostly for health reasons. I've written 14 chapters this month so I feel okay about the break lol.
On Friday (the day after the meltdown) I needed to have a hand X-ray (even right now, the knuckles in my left hand are really sore), see my GP for 40 minutes, talk to my therapist, organise an iron infusion (I have microcytic anemia and need an iron infusion again, which I think is my 5th or 6th - I need one about once every 2-3 years, and mostly the time between is the slow downward spiral of losing more and more iron until I'm truly fucked) and a meeting with one of the head haematologists in the state because my red blood cells are bullshit and weird (yay). Guess that explains the exhaustion.
I still need to organise a lymph node ultrasound (which is probably nothing, except there is like a 'higher than average' chance it could be metastatic cancer, since I do have tumours in my head right now that could metastasize, and the tumours are extremely close to the swollen lymph node - also I haven't had a virus).
I need to organise a meeting with a dermatologist, I need to organise a full abdominal MRI to see if I have any other tumours we don't know about, and I got an eating disorder management plan for restrictive eating, which does entitle me to like...cheaper dietitian appointments, but also formalises me as having an ED as opposed to 'disordered eating.'
On top of that I had to deal with a tribunal after my Dad had a catastrophic stroke a few months ago, and the tribunal was last month, to determine who would look after him. Our family is so broken and my stepmother so manipulative/vindictive that the government decided no one could be trusted and took care of his finances and healthcare themselves meaning none of us can have any real say in his future (truly the best outcome, but a damning one for the state of the family), and I also had to listen to my stepmother accuse my sister of being a criminal for 20 minutes with completely unfounded lies, and of course, my Dad has had a catastrophic stroke, and that's complicated. That's a whole...
That saga is so much anon, I cannot even begin to explain even the tip of that iceberg.
I've been spending a lot of extra time like scanning family photos and other things and packing items in his home for storage etc. and while that's been done now for over a month and a half, I guess the burn out started some time ago and it's just been slowly getting on top of me. Kind of the 'slowly boiling a lobster in a pot' analogy.
I've been overall quieter on Tumblr as a result of all of this, and it all just...destroyed me on Thursday, and ever since then I've been recovering.
I've just realised it's nearly 1.00am and I swear the last time I looked at the clock - which felt like 5 minutes ago - it was 11.00pm.
Oh and to top it all off I've had vicious 'not falling asleep until 4.00am' insomnia + increased nightmares because my PTSD has relapsed back into 'pretty severe.' So um, managing most nights on 3-4 hours of sleep a night, and that's bad for all my chronic illnesses, of which I have many.
Ah. Yeah. :(
Lemme rustle up some good news for you, anon, because I feel like this is just too much crap.
Bushflowers/wildflowers are really nice right now as it's turning to spring in Western Australia (it's Djilba in the Noongar seasonal system, which I prefer)
Rhubarb is in season so I'm making a lot of stewed apple and rhubarb as a comfort food.
Reading the manhwa Punch Drunk Love and enjoying it.
Asks like yours - even if all of this sounds dire - helps me to undestand that I actually do have good reasons to feel tired and that it's okay to take breaks and that's really valuable (sometimes - though rarely - people use my anon function to talk at me, rather than talking to me as a person, and I just...really value feeling like a person sometimes aslfkjsa) so while I might seem down, this has actually been nice to end my night on. Also you've reminded me that I am super excited/happy to share more Underline the Gold with people
I got some organisational stuff and organising stuff in the house makes me feel good.
I have an extremely good doctor and tbh for a long time I didn't, so like, every good specialist and doctor is worth their weight in gold. :)
I hope you're doing okay and looking after yourself / taking care anon, and that you get something good out of what remains of the weekend. <3 And for everyone who needs one, hugs are on the house.
#personal#cw cancer mention#cw self injury#cw PTSD#cw major depressive disorder#maybe you just wanted me to say that things are going good#but i assume folks know what i'm really like sdfalkfjsa#i'll generally be honest#and just give folks the option not to read it lol#anon i am on the strugglebus#i am going to bed#and i hope i'm not still awake and having flashbacks#in 4 hours#but like who knows salkfjsafs#actually last night was a lil better so maybe /crosses fingers
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IM GONNA KILL MYSELF I HAVE TO GO TO MEIJERTOMORROW
#morning broadcast#suicide tw#CAN MY GRANDMA ACTUALLY SHUT THE FUCK UP.#you know damn well i just fucking dont pick out anything cause i just wanna get home you KNOW that bringing me never does anything good#i fucking hate myself why does the most basic normal public place have to give me flashbacks .#okay this ones getting too personal im shutting up now. sorry
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Do you ever think about all the women in jjk that don't even get a second to be mourned?
#like I love this story but thinking about any female character in it breaks my heart#like not even the obvious main girls that got killed for basically no story payoff#I thinking about ppl like kaori too#how we never even got to experience the horror of everything kenjaku's done with her we just get a flashback to further develop yuuji#like literally the vilest shit done to women in the story are footnotes that the characters don't even blink at and it's a lil bit fucked up#like I love gege's writing don't get me wrong#but I WISH they'd give a shit about any female characters as much as the male characters#like it just makes me sad I want so much more from all of them#but the only one still being treated as worth anything in the story is a stand in for another male character at this point#like there is no single panel of maki where toji isn't looming over her and it makes me SAD#toji was cool af but maki would NOT become him she is nothing like him and the fact that they're basically the same rn makes me kinda mad#maki shouldve become ANGRY and violent and a complete opposite to toji personalitywise bc that wld be more in line with her pre culling game#jjk spoilers#it fucks me up that the only person that ever got mourned for body snatching was gojo like not even geto really got that#besides gojo mourning him (which he also didn't get to do) no one really acknowledges the horror of kenjaku's whole thing#its weird for me too for a story so obssessed with the idea of a 'proper death' kenjakus perverted immortality isnt rly criticised#at least not as much as you'd think
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extremely weird that i post abt a gay ship with the ship literally tagged just for someone to reblog like "omg theyre such good brothers" like. Okay. that is absolutely not what i was saying Fuck you
#everytime somebody calls sonknux brothers an angel loses its wings#theyre literally just friends. if you want a canonical brother dynamic sonic and tails are Literally right there#like you dont see me going on other ppls s0nadow posts like “omg such good brothers...” like no thatd be fucking annoying#bc theyre not brothers thats just my hc. canonly theyre just acquaintances. just like sonic and knuckles are just friends#why do ppl do this with gay ships especially#like okay i dont care that you hc them as brothers i dont even know you . but Why do you have to say that on my ship post#i didnt check that persons blog bc i dont care to but#it feels like something someone would specifically say to spit on someones for shipping a gay ship#like “yeah theyre such good BROTHERS i love their BROTHERLY dynamic-” SHUT UPPPP MAN I DONT CARE 😭#it gives me flashbacks to the naruto fandom#theyre lucky i have common sense on how to run a mildly popular blog and wont reblog them on main because god that annoyed me SO badly
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need you to know i genuinely enjoy your blog - part of what makes it great is that its clear that you go outside and party and fuck!! so many people in this website just don’t fuck 🤧
omg !!! ❤️❤️❤️ don’t replicate my sin u will go to hell
#asked#anonymous#ALSKALSKALSKLKSLAKSLAJSLAJSL#i don’t party i end them#i’m the police but instead of confiscating the drugs i’m doing them all & everyone hates me for it#i’m like a pig findin a truffle#i wish i could stay inside forever and just die but im an adult#has to leave the house today even#gave more directions#still exhausted#still so much shit to do#i should be euthanized#ok real talk i hope none of yall look up to me bc u shouldn’t 😭��� don’t look at my substance use & think ‘wow aspiration !’ it’s a problem &#it’s bc of Trauma that i am An Addict#like aspire to overcome rape & assault & druggings & robbery & sex work & abusive relationships & abandonent issues & being poor &#like QLSKALKSLAKSLAJSLAKSLAKSL#LIKE LOOK AT THAT !!! laugh at my misery bc it is very funny but dont aspire to it !!!!#except for the pigeons i think everyone should feed the pigeons & should try feeding pigeons & also look at pigeons & watch the pigeons & th#think abt pigeons & love pigeons#not the point but like fr do NOT have insane amounts of sex it’s not cool or swag it’s honestly very sad ALSKALSKLAKSLAKSLAKSLAK#like getting flashbacks are INSANE bc i’ve blacked out so many memories#no actually u should have insane amounts of sex i mean risky sex & sex for attention like i’ve hooked up w people i wouldn’t … solely bc#they would give me attention that i crave like it’s not even ‘attention’ it’s just ‘feeling close to a person’ like i would’ve been HAPPY to#just get a HUG or a CUDDLE but to do that i had to have sex (OR SO I THOUGHT BC I HAVE NO BOUNDARIES)
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