#i fucking hate myself why does the most basic normal public place have to give me flashbacks .

[sw33t-oubliette]

IM GONNA KILL MYSELF I HAVE TO GO TO MEIJERTOMORROW

[astrologgeek]

✨astro-stupid✨

Pt. 1

DO YOU REMEMBER I SAID THAT I'M GONNA GIVE Y'ALL SOMETHING NEW AND ORIGINAL? HERE Y'ALL GO.

⚠️ I do not give any permission to anyone reading this post to re-post my content nor plagiarize it. This content belongs to me and myself only @astrologgeek ⚠️

☆ So what's astro-stupid? Astro-stupid is basically Astro-notes... but stupid. My content is known to be funny (my blog's chart has sag rising LMFAO) - so I said why not keep the humor and high vibrations around! We all know astro-tumblr needs it right now 😅💕💕 ALL OF THESE NOTES ARE 100% HUMOR IF U DIDN'T UNDERSTAND 💕

☆ and if u didn't understand you must be a leo 🤨🤪🤧 y'all are so tree 🥵🥵

☆ sag girls look like baby wipers 👀👴

☆ libra men are like my dad - leaves you after 2 months

☆ pisces rising's fart A LOT... smelly rascals 🤪🤪🤪

☆ leo rising's took voldemort's nose... y'all theifs ISTG 🤰🤰

☆ people say pluto represents destruction... but have you SEEN MY FAT ASS?? ASK @rattaemin she knows it 👹

☆ saturn doesn't represent responsibility and restriction... it literally has Holla-hoops on it... it's the dancing planet 😜🕺🕺🕺🕺🕺🕺

☆ sun-dominant people are HOT, so if you meet a sun-dom: take them to the hospital right away!! They are IN DANGER.

☆ the best ass-shakers are people with my chart 🙄🤚🤚🤚

☆ you dare say scorpio's are private and quiet... have you SEEN a mime?? 👻👻

☆ if you have moon square mars... your mom CANNOT SHAKE HER BOOTY NO MORE... LET'S TAKE A MINUTE TO MOURN.

☆ if you have cancer in your 8th house your mom WILL TAKE U FROM HER WILL.

☆ this describes every taurus man you'll ever meet

☆ there's actually a pretty cool way to know who your soulmate is!! You look at your moon - then check if it aspects jupiter. If it does - your mom WILL steal your soulmate. Momma ain't playing games. If it doesn't - your soulmate looks like this bc it ain't happy nor abundant at all 🥸👾 STAY SAFE!!

☆ women with an asc are literally weird asf!! It's like they have a personality!! DO NOT FEED THEM, THEY WILL TELL YOU SMART THINGS!!

☆ ⚠️ WARNING ⚠️ PEOPLE WITH A LIBRA NEPTUNE DREAM ABOUT UR ASS ⚠️ BE CAREFUL ⚠️

☆ people with sag in their 2nd house are mitski.

☆ virgo is the most hated sign because their virginity needs to go... vir+go = support patriarchy and the concept of virginity. What a shame.

☆ aries moons keep a lot of burps inside... have some self-control 😔😔😔

☆ gemini-venus people want a normal belly-button because theirs look like the twin they ate in the womb... 😇😇😇

☆ capricorn men look like this while capricorn women look like this. If u feel attacked (and you do) then know that it's bc I'm correct.

☆ aquarius mercuries are actually prone to drink water 😳

☆ cancer moons pee in bed 😝😝😝

☆ sagittarius moons lick their dog back 🤨🤨🤨

☆ if you have your venus your the 5th house - you attract children into your life. Ummmm That's gross... Weirdo.

☆ cancer mercuries love trampolines because it helps them jump to conclusions faster 🦴🦴

☆ libra's get turned on by libraries... they think they are wild... library-rawr = libr+ra 🤥🤥🤥🤧

☆ planets in fall (signs that don't express themselves well in that specific planet, scorpio moons for example) are prone to be adele

☆ some adam & eve placements in the composite chart: sun in retrograde, moon going direct, mercury on 30° degrees, pluto in aries conjuncting neptune in libra. If y'all have this - ur high asf go to bed smh.

☆ NEVER TELL A PISCES YOUR DREAMS - They WILL kick you stomach for daring to dream. So possessive and selfish istg 👂👂👂

☆ how to know you need to go back home: check your nemo asteroid (1640) - if it creates an aspect to your IC, ASC, 3rd house & 9th house you need to coke back home IMMEDIATELY OR ELSE YOU BECOME...

☆ sun in aquarium makes the person kind of transparent 🌋🌍🌋

☆ gemini north / south node and gemini MC makes you prone to duplicating yourself in public and throughout your life. We already have enough of you so stop it smfh 🧭

☆ placements for people that just disappear out of nowhere: my dad

☆ 3rd house saturns are prone to be blonde crackhead with dry hands and a mustache ⛪⛪⛪🛎

☆ leo moons want to rawr at their moms all the time like a lion - so inappropriate 🐯🐯🐯

☆ if your mercury returns every year to it's natal place: you talk like a badass sweaty sock.

☆ placements that can indicate being married to a goat: juno in capricorn.

☆ ⚠️ PISCES MERCURIES DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO READ ⚠️ I REPEAT ⚠️ PISCES MERCURIES DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO READ ⚠️ they literally be like: 🐠

☆ placements more prone to grow up and be this: mutuable / cardinal sun, fixed / cardinal moon, air / fire rising, water mercury. Y'all so zombie 🤪🤶

☆ gemini risings pick their nose all the time 🙊

☆ cancer sun men are lesbians.

☆ libra moons LOVE eating plastic bags so much... #savetheturtles

☆ scorpio mars people often drastically change their physical appearance - my friend has octopus arms now... she's so stylish 😍😍😍

☆ jupiter in spring signs (aries, taurus, gemini) love eating grass, it just makes them so happy and abundant.

☆ libra risings (men and women) don't shave half of their face so it'll be balanced 🧔🧔🧔

☆ sagittarius in the big 3 makes you manipulative as fuck 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

☆ people with chiron in the 2nd house have deep wounds from their poop... number 2 hits hard 😔😔

☆ indicators for being a crocodile: scorpio / virgo sun, taurus / pisces moon, Capricorn / cancer risings.

☆ people with pluto in their 5th house have hidden children in the basement

☆ there's a rumor that claims that people who sleep on beds probably have their venuns in retrograde.

☆ NEVER TRUST AN ARIES!! THEY WILL MILK US ALL AS REVENGE 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

☆ only a 10th house stellium on taurus servive the hunger games - only because of their sugar daddy 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑

Resources: co-star 😍😍😍😍

[foxfire-midnight-wings-writing]

Spider Virgil! (Introduction)

So, I guess this is a bullet fic? I always liked to write like these but never knew they had a name lol. Anyways, lets go!

If you’d like to talk more about this AU, you can send me an ask at @foxfire-and-midnight-wings​ or on here. (Preferably only using this one for asks that could bring potential to expand on the story or universe, with the other one for smaller asks and non-canon talk)

[Next]

[Fanfic Masterlist]

Warnings: super long post, talk about spiders and spider traits (fangs/venom, extra eyes, extra legs, etc.) and the usage of them, talks of spider and snake bites/venom (aka non-sexual biting), general anxiety thoughts and cognitive distortions

[This is basically an AU where Virgil has some spider-like traits, similarly to Remus and Janus with their respective animals. No one is unsympathetic!]

- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -

First off, he has a little set of extra eyes underneath his 'real' eyes (only four eyes in total)

He got nervous before introducing himself to the other sides (aka the ‘light sides’) so he had Janus and Remus help him use makeup to hide them.

Janus & Remus understand bc while they like their animal traits they know he's always nervous about them.

While Remus only hides his octopus tentacles, Janus tends to hide his fangs, most his scales that aren’t on his face (ex: neck and shoulder), and his extra arms around many of the others.

Virgil has setules so he can climb walls and stuff, which is how he gets up and sits on places that shouldn't be sat on.

Also, he has 4 spider legs that are connected to the muscles on his back

One pair is positioned just underneath his shoulder blades, the other pair is around his mid-lower back

When he’s not hiding his legs, they usually are positioned as if they were giving him a weird hug (top are resting on his shoulders, bottom are wrapped a little bit around his torso)

Also fangs!

He has extended canine teeth that (surprise!) connect to a pair of venom glands on his neck

This means that his teeth are really sensitive too, though, which can suck at times

He had a bad habit of instinctually injecting venom into meat and stuff he eats, but luckily it doesn’t hurt him. Now that they’re all older though, all the ‘dark’ sides were able to adjust to their animal traits or habits.

In this case, that meant he trained himself not to automatically inject his venom into stuff

Remus was the first to find out about venom milking, because it’s Remus

Because both Janus and Virgil have fangs + venom, he knew that they were constantly worried about accidentally hurting someone and not having an antidote. So he brought up the idea to them

Luckily, they were all young when they discovered this so there weren’t any inappropriate jokes about it, but Remus makes them a lot in the present (along with the vore jokes, which everyone hates)

Basically, for those who don’t really know, the way people make antidotes and medicine to help with venom from animals like spiders and snakes is through extracting the venom by a process called “milking”

So they ended up experimenting a lot and they eventually made their own antidotes to both Janus and Virgil’s venom

And once they both also learned how to bite things (and as a result each other) without using their venom

(Snakes and spiders can do what’s called a “dry bite”, basically they bite without injecting venom into what they bit)

This revelation ends up with Janus and Virgil often threatening to bite the other person, sometimes if they fight they actually do

The antidotes have been helpful on the few occasions one of them injects a tiny bit of venom by accident (which was extremely rare, and only ever happened when they were younger)

Virgil and Janus still regularly milk and make their antidotes, and they usually keep some of both in all three of their rooms for emergencies

(sometimes they do it just because they can, and end up giving it to Remus so he can do weird experiments with it in the Imagination)

Also, the hissing? Janus is a snake, so that makes sense. But Virgil?

Well, after a little research, they ended up finding out that spiders make a low hissing noise called “stridulation”. So technically, spiders hiss too.

Virgil uses that against Remus when he tries comparing him to a kitten, and he threatens to bite him

[The Present Situation w/ the Other Sides]

- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -

He was planning a big reveal for the ‘light’ sides at one point (before he was accepted) but he never went through with it

Because Accepting Anxiety happened, he was worried he'd lose the friendship/acceptance of the others due to his traits. (Anxiety and cognitive distortions, y'know? Plus, he saw how freaked out Patton and the others were by the spider decorations in his room, how could he expect them to react any different to him?)

And so he continues to hide them and his other abilities

which is an absolute pain because while he can easily cover up his extra pair of eyes, he has to be very careful about not showing anyone his fangs

And don’t get me started on how hard it’d be for him to get into his jacket and positioning it just right so his legs aren’t being squished but they aren’t very visible

Fun fact! That’s why he always appears on the stairs. he can easily hide them by leaning against the wall or positioning his back to where no one can see them

But he still gets little urges to do things spider-like because of his anxiety.

For example: crawl up the wall and go in corner = no people = safe

So to fill that little spider instinct to crawl up places to get away from people he takes to sitting in places he shouldn't.

Top of the fridge, the counter, anywhere he can get while being able to reason his way out of being questioned on how he got up there

To his surprise, no one stops him. If anything, Patton calls it cute and Roman basically encourages it

And so things go on like normal, and he always takes off his makeup once he's in his room.

Sometimes he indulges a bit and climbs the walls

He has a small resting area that looks similar to a hammock (but it’s practically a nest of blankets) that’s connected to his walls. Sometimes he’ll sleep up there because it’s off the ground and away from everything

he tends to lay on his stomach and to spread out as much as he can when up there

(Janus and Remus find it hilarious, but Virgil points out that Janus can’t say anything because he does that too)

No one has seemed to catch on that he has spider traits, and he is extremely relieved about that

Then Janus comes along and introduces himself to Thomas and the others.

And then Remus joins in too.

And while none of them are on bad terms, Virgil gets more and more worried someone is going to point out their animal traits and ask him if he has any.

And he worries because he doesn't know how to respond

He can't just say

"Oh yeah, all the 'dark' sides have animal traits and I've just been hiding mine from you in fear of rejection and that you'll all hate me. By the way, my anxiety is making me not say anything about this because I'll have a panic attack just thinking about telling you, and so I haven't said anything about it, and the more time that passes makes the anxiety about telling you guys worse which causes me to put it off even more. And it causes a spiral from there that often makes me whole myself up in my room for days on end."

So he tries to prevent anyone from asking about the 'dark' sides by making it seem like he left them on extremely bad terms.

It takes a minute for Janus to realize it’s not the normal banter they throw around, it’s something more desperate and anxiety-ridden

Janus catches onto his plan very quickly, and when he can he gets Virgil alone with him and Remus to talk it out.

Virgil tells them about his fears of rejection and how none of them know about his spider traits (especially because they went to his room once and Patton was freaked out just by the spider curtains, making his fears worse)

So they all make an agreement to help Virgil hide his traits and to make a plan to help the others not ask them about each other

And then Remus just goes "so you're saying I can fuck with my brother? That's the plan, right?"

Cause he is so on board as long as he can cause chaos.

And what better way to cause chaos than by pretending to be in an arguement or on extremely bad terms with a close friend, forcing the others to watch it happen and be uncomfortable as they argue back and forth

Janus just agrees because he likes being dramatic and it's not like they didn't banter a lot before now, they just get to make it public and more "serious" than before

(They all know it’s just because he wants to be part of the Drama™)

They make a list of things they can and cannot make jabs/remarks about

And then they prepare for the chaos

(Note: This is not them being “unsympathetic”, they all agreed on the plan and all know what they are signing up for. The entire purpose is to make the others think that they have bad relations with each other, which some may interpret the arguing/jabs as the characters being “unsympathetic”)

[The Chaos Time Begins]

- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -

So this all happens before Selfishness v. Selflessness, right?

Which is what makes the entire courtroom scene funny to the ‘dark’ sides, bc they all were planning to have that be when the drama really started to take off

When in the courtroom and Janus makes the comment about Virgil’s name, he really wasn’t expecting that, but after the initial panic passed he was like ‘I mean, alright I guess’

He didn’t really want them to know anything about his full name (Virgilius), but it wasn’t going to really hurt him

(He just wanted to avoid any of the references or jokes Roman and Logan would definitely make because he already got enough of it from Janus and Remus)

and the plan worked! almost a little too well, though...

After the courtroom scene ends, there’s a couple days of silence where everyone just. Doesn’t talk about it. At all. The ‘dark’ sides were prepared for this, so it’s not too bad for them, but it makes Virgil feel very awkward when around the others.

Then, after the third day of awkward avoidance, Patton and Roman gather all of them in the living room to try and make sure everything is okay.

Unfortunately for them, Patton had also invited Janus up there because he saw the tension between him and Virgil

And Janus physically restrains himself from showing how excited he is because this is the perfect way to make the Drama™ officially known

Virgil is just chilling on the couch waiting for everything to spiral, because while he appreciates the effort, the fighting is completely intentional. So there’s no stopping it now

It goes about as well as you can expect

While everyone else except Janus starts talking, Janus just patiently waits until someone brings him into the conversation to start making jabs. (mainly because he knows that the others actually have stuff they need to talk through first, before he derails the conversation)

They all are able to get to a good conclusion about the situation, misunderstandings are talked through, and now all that’s left is dealing with Janus

And as soon as Patton starts talking to Janus, he gets excited because the show can finally begin

Roman: Now, I know not all of us really like him, but- Virgil: like him?! That’s funny, princey, because I really fucking hate him! Janus: Oh, come on, Virgil! Just lighten up a little. You’re seeming a little... dark. Virgil: Don’t. Patton, trying to prevent them from arguing: Hey, now, kiddos! Let’s take a moment and just step back to breathe, yeah? We don’t want this to- Janus: become a truth-telling session between us and Virgil? Patton: become an arguement.

The others try to help Patton defuse the situation, but it doesn’t work. If anything, it makes the situation worse because Janus uses them as fuel for some of his arguments.

Virgil: Yeah, keep talkin’ pal! I’m sure they really want to hear it from someone who makes it his job to harass everyone Janus: Well, sorry about that Sir Emo, but I couldn’t hear you over the sound of you leaving us. Oh, wait! Sorry, you don’t want to remember being a ‘dark side’, now, do you? My apologies! Roman, frantically glancing between the two: Wait, wha-? Virgil, standing up: Oh shut it, you treacherous snake! Like you ever even wanted me there. You’re probably glad I’m gone, huh? The cold from your room is starting to affect your heart! Not like you had one, though. Janus: Why, you-!

They start arguing and slowly they start getting louder and louder

Eventually, they’re yelling insults at each other, and everyone else is at a loss for what to do

Then, in what seems to be the ending of the argument, Virgil yells “I never wanted to be there with you in the first place, you bastard!”

Janus takes a moment to pause, and then he just says “Right, of course. My bad, Virgilius”

The living room is quiet as Janus sinks out, and Virgil just stands there shaking

He knew it was going to happen, and he knew it was just his name, but the acting and drama was becoming a little too much. It started to feel too real to him, and he knows that’s just his anxiety speaking, but he still feels the tears gathering in his eyes

Patton tries reaching out to him, but Virgil says “I’m going to my room” in a broken voice

The others watch helplessly as he leaves, and eventually they all break off to their own rooms to think about what just happened.

[softyoongiionly]

NSFW A-Z List (Fear and Dumplings! Namjoon)

“Hello! For some reason, you all want to know a little more about me. Or I guess, you want to know a little more about how I uh, how I- how I do things. You know actually, if I’m going to answer these questions honestly. I’m going to have to use strong language. But first, I want to say a few things. Sex is an amazing thing and, although there is a lot of pressure to have a lot of it by a certain age, I am going to strongly encourage you to wait until you’re with someone you trust and care about. I’ve had sex before my current girlfriend and, it’s not really the same. While I know most of you are curious about my knowledge regarding BDSM and, I’m willing to share it but, I want you to keep in mind that BDSM is used as an expression of love between my girlfriend and I. Dani has given me permission to share some of our experiences with you but, please know that while things might get a little explicit, I am very much in love with her and, everything we do is discussed beforehand and, she is well taken care of after the fact. Ok. Ok, I think I’m ready. Aqua, first question…”

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex):

“Aftercare is so important. When Dani and I are done, I’m really eager to make sure she’s ok. Sex can get very intense and, very rough for us so, it’s not uncommon for her to go into subspace. She’s really cute when she’s all spaced out afterwards haha but, as her dom, it’s my responsibility to care for her. We have a routine. If I’ve tied her up, which I have to do a lot of the time because she’s a brat, I untie her immediately and, start cleaning her up. I bought these vanilla scented body wipes that she really loves so, I use them on her wrists and, ankles and, anywhere else I’ve marked up. I wipe her mascara off too and, any other makeup that I’ve messed up. She gets really messy with me because, she’s a good girl but, I still want her to be comfortable afterwards. Throughout this process, I’m usually helping her down verbally too. I tell her what a good girl she is for me and, how pretty she was and, I tell her how much I love and admire her. That usually helps her down a little more. Then, I check her heart rate really quick. She hates this because, my stethoscope is too cold but, she has a tendency to get really worked up and, I have to ensure that her heart is slowing down to her normal pace. My favorite part is when she’s all cleaned up because, then I can finally hold her like I’ve been wanting to.”

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s):

“My favorite body part on myself is probably my chest but, that’s only because Dani loves it so much. She falls asleep on it every night.”

“I can’t chose a favorite body part of hers??? Have you seen her? She’s like- She’s like pOW or like Whoa….she’s like everything. She’s so beautiful and hot at the same time. She’ll be cute one second and, then the next second she’s giving me that look and, then I just want to have her in front of everyone. I love her hips and her thighs though. They’re so soft and, I love holding onto them or…holding them open. They’re just very very very very hot. Yeah.”

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person):

“It’s probably a dom thing but, if all goes well I want her covered in me by the time I’m done with her. Sometimes I’ll take it out of her with my fingers and, feed it to her. I want to know how much she likes the taste of me…”

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs):

“Hmm dirty secret…I don’t know how if I have one. Well, I guess- maybe one. Dani is really uh jealous of other girls. I know she trusts me but, she’s kind of possessive and, I think it’s really hot. Sometimes, I do things on purpose just to rile her up but, then I pretend like I don’t know what she’s talking about. She knows I love her but, I like proving it to her every now and then.”

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?):

“Dani has asked me not to talk about my previous sexual experiences haha but, she is definitely the best I’ve ever had.  I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

“I like to think I know what I’m doing but, I’ve never been anyone’s dom before so, it took a lot of research and trial and error. I still feel like I get it wrong sometimes but, I’m always willing to learn more.”

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual):

“I think my favorite positions are the ones that feel best for Dani. I’m inside of her so, I’m happy no matter what, it’s always going to feel good for me. I like watching her face though so, while it’s nice to be behind her so I can pull her hair and, choke her; I think I prefer just being on top of her”

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc):

“Of course I can laugh during sex. If we aren’t playing or engaging in some type of BDSM, there are a lot of funny moments during sex.  One time Yoongi walked in on us and, the look on his face was so funny, we laughed until our stomachs hurt. He learned to knock at least.”

H = Hair (How well-groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.):

“Dani said I’m not allowed to answer any questions about my dick because, it belongs to her so, I have to skip this one lol.”

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…):

“I mean- I wouldn’t say sex is always romantic because, sometimes it gets very rough but, it’s always an intimate thing. The fact that Dani trusts me so much makes me very happy. I would never want her to feel taken advantage of or, neglected so, it’s important that I always do everything with love. Even if I’m choking her out and, cumming all over her face…”

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon):

“Yeah I definitely touch myself more than I’d like to admit. I’m really busy with school and, I can’t always see my girl you know? It gets rough. I get hard easily and, if she isn’t here for me, I have to take care of myself. She asked me to start telling her when I need help and, she usually sends me a picture or a video that seriously makes me question my sanity. Honestly, why does she have to look so good all the time? It’s dangerous.”

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks):

“I like being called Daddy but, I mean I feel like you all could have guessed that already. I’m sure there is a psychological reason but, all I can tell you is when she calls me that in that cute little voice of hers? I can’t control myself. She knows it too but, she doesn’t care because, as I mentioned, she’s a brat. I definitely have the biggest brat in the world in my bed haha. I love when she begs for me too, I have to push her to that point because, she’s so stubborn but, when she gets there…fuck. She’s really good for me. She listens to anything I say and, when I finally let her cum, I have to stop myself from cumming too. She really needs to get off from work soon, I’m starting to miss her…”

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do):

“The bedroom is fine for me. I don’t really care where we do it. I’m down for most places. She has a fantasy where she wants to fuck in public and, that’s cute and all but, I really don’t want anyone else to see her like that. I don’t want anyone else seeing her naked but, I definitely don’t want them seeing her cum. That’s for me only.”

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going):

“Motivation? I feel like I’ve answered this but, my main motivation is to deepen our connection. I understand this sounds very uh cringey? Is that the right word? But, it’s the truth. I want her to know how beautiful she is and, how much I want her. If it takes all night, I’ll use every minute I have to show her how much I love her. Sorry. I know it’s a little over the top but, you wanted an honest answer. Things are only different if she’s being punished. In that case, my motivation is to make sure she knows how to behave in the future. It’s a never ending cycle though. She’ll behave for a little bit but, she’s always right back to pushing my buttons because, she wants to be punished. She’s lucky I like spanking her so much…”

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do):

“I’d never have a threesome. Sorry. I just couldn’t do it. I think I’d go crazy if I had to watch someone else touch her. But, honestly there isn’t much else I wouldn’t do with her. As long as we talk about it before and, make sure we understand the boundaries, I’m down for anything.”

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc):

“I’d like to think I’m good at it. She showed me what she liked from the beginning and, after a few times, I do my best to learn what she likes. If I’m between her legs, I’m trying to make her cum and, given how many times I have to change my sheets, I would say I do alright haha.”

“This part might be a little much but, I really like when she chokes on my dick. She gets so messy down there, like she’s sucking my dick to prove a point, I don’t know but, it’s hot. She gets spit and cum  everywhere and, then looks up at me with those eyes of hers and, fuck. Fuck. That’s all I can say about it, it’s incredible.”

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? Etc.):

“The pace just depends on our mood. Sometimes we like it to be slow and soft and, other times we ruin my bedroom. Both are amazing in their own way.”

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.):

“I prefer to take my time but, I’m never going to complain about sex. It’s all good. I just like it when it lasts.”

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.):

“Experimentation keeps things interesting. I’m always up for trying new things. Dani comes up with a lot of good ideas.  She just bought a leash and collar for herself. I can’t wait for her to come over this weekend. I plan on putting it to good use.”

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…):

“I can go for a few rounds if it’s regular sex but, if we’re playing, I can usually only go one time. I’ve had to wait just as long as she has to cum so, it takes a lot out of me. As far as how long I last, I mean, I’m a dom right? I keep myself under control until the time is right.”

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?):

“My collection of toys is growing but, I didn't have any before I met Dani. I have a lot of different ones now but, it’s mainly just BDSM equipment. Rope, lube, blindfolds, handcuffs, the usual. I don’t like using toys on Dani. I like to make her cum on my own.”

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease):

“Honestly, if Dani didn’t beg so good for me and, if she didn’t make me so hard; I’d probably tease her all night. But, eventually I can’t take it anymore.”

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make):

“I don’t think I’m very loud but, if I had it my way, Dani would be. I know it’s a little obnoxious to want your girlfriend to scream your name but, I want her to scream my name.”

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice):

“I don’t know how to say this without sounding insane but, please know that everything would be consensual and, it would only happen sometimes but, sometimes I think about leaving Dani tied up all day for me. Just one wrist, handcuffed to my bed, waiting for me to get home from school…I don’t know why but, I think it’s really hot. The thought of her getting wet and, having to wait until I get home to take care of her…yeah I don’t know. It’s something I think about a little too much.”

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words):

“I can’t answer this one either, I’m sorry. Dani told me to tell you that it’s big though haha.”

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?):

“Given the fact that I’m a full time med student, I would say it’s pretty high. When I’m not thinking about school, I’m thinking about my girlfriend and, when I think about my girlfriend, I usually think about sex.”

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards):

“I don’t fall asleep afterwards if we’ve been playing. That’s irresponsible. The only time we fall asleep right after is if we’re both really tired and, we just had a quickie or something. Otherwise, I’m too anxious, I need to make sure she’s ok and, happy. Usually, I wait for her to fall asleep on my chest and, then I feel comfortable enough to go to bed.”  

[a-walk-in-silver-rain]

Hello! So I saw that this account was fairly new and while I was scrolling through matchups I found your account and decided why not? So if it's alright with you, may I request an Obey Me Match-up?

My name is Nox or Ohjuu, afab Agender (he/it/they pronouns), 5'7 feet, has short, fluffy red hair, and my body type is muscular with fluff (pretty thicc in the thighs but shhhhhh insecurities-). My signs are Capricorn (Sun), Gemini (Moon), and Cancer (Rising); my MBTI type is ESTJ / ISTJ and my personality type is 6w5. Just to add a lil tidbit my clothing aesthetic is grudge/flannel/depressed artist/skater boi if that makes any sense? Giving love language is 1, gift giving 2, acts of service, 3 physical touch (all depends on partner.) Receiving love language is 1, Physical Touch and Words of Affrimation (these two are at a tie) 2, Acts of service 3, Quality Time.

Describing my personality may be kinda tough because it always changes depending who I'm around with and everyone will have a different opinion of me no matter what I do. But I would like to think I'm open minded, empathetic, caring, generous, serious and quite, at least that's what I think and I'm usuallythe mom/quite/therapist friend, I should probably mention that despite this not many people come near or even talk to me, probablybecauseof my resting bitch face, but peopleusuallyleave me be, which is good in some cases. Though those are the basic points to myself, however I can't just ignore my bad qualities either, I'm quick to anger depending on the situation, I'll stand up for others but i won't stand up/will take the blame for myself, I'm self sacrificing (I heard told I do that but I just mainly do it on command, to my I do it because it's my way of proving that I care for someone or that I would rather get hurt myself rather than them), I have little to no confidence in myself albeit I actually try to stay that way, and I'm a bit self depreciating....a lot (though that's in private or I make jokes about it-)Though even though I am like this, for self depreciation, and opiate mindset is what I need (Me = self depreciating, Partner = hopefully not the same). And I feel a bit of a cluster fuck when it comes to me or my personality (having wrath actually kinda makes me feel worse because I kind have trauma over people with wrath and knowing I have it makes me feel horrible.)

Hobbies? Well I don't have many but when I'm not on burnout I really like to draw a lot, it helps especially when I need to vent out something (seeing art that was drawn out of sadness or anger you can tell and it's kinda creepy how it does that.) Also coaplay is a favorite pass time as well! Though I don't do it too often, but when I do it's really fun! And finally in 3rd place I have gaming, I wouldn't really call myself a gamer but there are a couple games that peak my interest (Genshin Impact, Pokémon, Hallow Knight are some.) Honorable mentions are Hiking/Walking (I actually mean that), watching some shows/anime, and idk daydreaming I guess?

I should probably mention a few things like interests that hasn't already been mentioned in hobbies. I like to cook, I think I'm a pretty good cook, so I do it, I mostly do savory stuff and I usually like the food spicy though usually my friends/family can't really handle something more than mild, which makes me sad. I actually have an interest in animal science and I hope to become a veterinarian or at least someone that works with animals and if we're talk about animals, dogs or cats? I have to pick both (though exceptoon if the dog is big, I love big dogs), but I really can't choose, but if I get a third option I choose snakes. I use to have an instrest in poetry, but I'm stoped for a bit because not many people like dark poetry (I never really write lighthearted poetry because it always end up being dark even without me trying-.)

Quirks? Not a BNHA reference but I should mention some more things about myself, I'm sensitive to light and crowds, the light makes my eyes hurt and kinda faint and crowds just get me worked up and my flight responses kinda kick in (I usually try to keep my room as dark as possible and secluded because of this.) I kinda have poor memory, and sometimes I remember stuff and sometimes I don't, I have some tics that don't appear too often but when they do I usually make a hissing sound, a weird vocal sound, and with that comes some kind if head twitch, I can control it better in public but some of it slips and it's quite embarrassing. I WILL go into flight or fight mode if I'm being yelled or scolded at or if I hear yelling in general, depending on who it is I go with flight but I will go fight if needed, not only can't I not stand the loudness or tone but I usually don't need people criticizing, scolding, or hating me when I can perfectly do it myself. I shouldalso mention I'mtired almost all the time, even when I sleep well, I just feel sluggish a lot and I just wish I could sleep but I really don't like it because I know I need to get work done but motivation is coming slow these days. Finally umm....also as a defense or regular manurism I hiss and growl, kinda like a cat and/or wolf, usually confuses people enough for me to get away in situations but I sometimes like to do it when I'm angry or when to fuck with people.

And uhhhh yeah that's it from me! I really really really hope this wasn't too much information or if I wrote something down that was triggering OR that I was being a but too self depreciating. Anyways I really hope you have a good day!!

Hiya! Thanks for sending in a request! And don't worry about it you didn't write too much! I hope you have a lovely day/night too! (^_^)

I'd match you with...

Mammon

I think that you and Mammon would work really well together since you've added that your love language for giving is acts of service and physical touch which Mammon is definitely touch starved. And even just small things like touching his shoulder while talking to him or to get his attention would make him a bit happier. As for the acts of service, Mammon is normally the one asking for things like if he needs help with studying. Having some just do something for him or ask instead of him vouln-telling someone to help would kinda confuse him though he'd be happy.

Mammon being Mammon is a tsundere, this means you'll likely be spending a lot of time around him while he says he there because he could tell you wanted him around or something like that. He'd try to help you where he can and do little things he notices, and although he's not the best with words he'd try his hardest to comfort you.

Being the mom/therapist friend would definitely come in handy when with Mammon since he's not great with keeping his impulses and strange schemes in check. Mammon could use someone to just talk to about his feeling and the bullying of his brothers. Being able to have someone who cook would definitely help his eating habits since he eats a lot of cup ramen (I remember something say that in game) since he’s not to great of a chef himself. 

I feel like Mammon would be so soft for you, he'd be absolutely terrible at hiding but he'd try in public and in front of his brothers. Mammon's happy watching you cosplay or draw. He might request you try and show him how to do it cause it can't be that hard right? But he'd definitely try and play some of the games you play and suggest some you two might be able to play together. He would definitely get confused by Genshin and how much stuff there is to keep track of. He'd most likely just follow you around trying to help you kill stuff.

I can’t imagine see Mammon not liking any of your pet preferences since I feel like he like dogs more but would totally be chill with a cat. I think you might scare Mammon with you poetry depending on how dark you write each particular piece. He’d be supportive but just don’t read them to him before bed. 

The biggest problem with being with Mammon is how loud he can get, he doesn’t really notice when he does so you’ll probably have to bring it to his attention if you want him to quite down. If he ever saw or sensed that you were starting to go into your flight response when in a public area he’d pull you into him or pick you up and run off to a much more secluded area. Lastly there’s no way he’d really mind your ticks and your quirks he might question it a bit at first but if you just explain it he be fine, still might not get it but won’t really question it further. 

Thank you so much for the matchup! I hope you liked it! Any feedback would be great!

[sunriserose1023]

Merry & Married {7}

SUMMARY: It’s been almost a year since the most humiliating moment of your life. You’ve done your best to move on—by literally moving across the country, starting a new job, and you’re finally starting to feel settled. That, of course, is when your bubblehead cousin sends you the invitation to her wedding—which is exactly one year to the day that you were left at the altar. You have to go, but you don’t have to go alone. Enter Bucky Barnes, the best friend you’ve ever had. You fill him in, and of course he agrees to go home with you. What are friends for? Never mind the fact that he’s desperately in love with you. And if you hadn’t sworn off men forever, you might just find him … attractive. So there you are, surrounded by love, bridesmaid dresses, champagne, and no less than one hundred sprigs of mistletoe. What could possibly go wrong? WORD COUNT: 2800 WARNINGS FOR THE SERIES: Emotional angst, presumably unrequited love, friends to lovers, fluff, happily ever after, written for the @heamarvel​​​​​​ Holiday Movie Challenge

Masterlist

“I just don’t understand how you can be that damn stupid!” “I’m not stupid!” “Oh, really? You were there last year! You saw what he did, how bad it hurt her. How could you even think of inviting him?”

You stepped into the room to see Carol, Hope, and Natasha surrounding Darcy. Your mother and aunts were huddled in the opposite doorway, trying to stay out of it, whispering to each other. You sighed, and Hope held out her arms when she saw you. 

“Y/N, I am so sorry. We had no idea.”

Darcy looked to you, green eyes wide. You walked to Hope and let her embrace you, looking to Darcy and shaking your head. 

“Why did you do it? Why did you invite him?”

Carol gave an exasperated, muffled shriek. 

“He shouldn’t have been able to step foot on the property! Much less have an invite to the fucking dinner.” “We had to invite his parents! I couldn’t just not invite him.” “Oh, yes you could!”

Three voices rang out in unison, and you looked from Hope to Carol to Natasha, all of them angrily glaring at Darcy. You sighed again and Darcy shook her head, eyes filling with tears. 

“I— I didn’t think he’d come.” “You should have known he’d come. He loved those stupid dinners and the notoriety he had for being with Y/N. He always loved a show, didn’t he, Y/N? Of course he’d come last night.”

You blinked at Natasha, and Darcy closed her eyes, bowing her head. 

“I messed up.”

Carol scoffed. 

“Yeah, you did. I just don’t know how someone so smart can be so damn stupid.” “I’m not stupid!”

Darcy glared at Carol, then turned and ran from the room. May broke away from her sisters and rushed after her daughter. Hope pushed a hand through her hair as you sighed. You met Natasha’s eyes, then walked in the direction Darcy and May had just gone. 

“Honey?”

You glanced back at your mom, shaking your head, continuing in your walk. You stopped outside the bedroom Darcy had always claimed, taking in a breath and letting it out when you saw May with her hands against the closed door. You swallowed, laying a hand on her back as you spoke. 

“Darcy, it’s me. Will you let me in?”

You didn’t hear an answer, but when you tried the doorknob, it opened easily. You smiled at May, stepping into the room and closing the door behind you. You leaned against the door and Darcy turned to you, tears rolling down her cheeks. She shook her head, rushing to you. 

“I never meant to hurt you, Y/N. You have to believe me.” “I do, Darce.”

Darcy shook her head, putting her face in her hands. After a moment, she lifted her head, tear-filled eyes meeting yours. 

“How could I have done that? How could I have invited him, not only to last night, but to the wedding, too? It never even occurred to me that you’d have a problem with it.” “You didn’t ask me, Darcy.” “I haven’t seen you.”

You met her eyes and she shrugged. 

“I get it. You had to get away from here, but … Peter isn’t the only one you left, Y/N. Do you know how stupid I felt emailing you and asking you to be a bridesmaid? But I didn’t know if you’d answer if I called.”

You blinked. 

“I didn’t … I didn’t think about that.”

Darcy nodded, looking down at her hands. 

“I know I’m not Carol or Natasha, but … I love you, too. And I’ve missed you this year.” “Can I ask you something?”

Darcy nodded again, and you walked to sit on the bed, swallowing before you spoke. 

“Why did you carbon copy my wedding?”

Darcy came to sit beside you, giving you a smile. 

“Because your wedding last year was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Everything was gorgeous and perfect and I told myself that if I ever got married, I’d want to do it just like you.”

You couldn’t help but smile. Darcy had always wanted to be like you. You and Natasha and Carol has always been thick as thieves. Hope was a bit older, Darcy a bit younger, and while you loved your cousins, there was always a closer bond between you, Carol, and Natasha. 

Darcy shrugged a shoulder, looking down at her engagement ring. 

“You didn’t deserve what Peter did to you.”

You never did know what to say to that, so you just nodded, looking down at your hands. 

“Y/N, did … did it hurt your feelings for me to copy your wedding?”

You lifted your head, waiting a moment before answering. 

“Yeah, Darce. It kind of did.” “Why?” “Because everywhere I look I’m reminded of what last year was like. How happy I was, all the dreams I was dreaming. And how it all came crashing down.”

Darcy closed her eyes, face falling as more tears spilled from beneath her lashes. She blinked her eyes open and shook her head. 

“That never occurred to me. I didn’t once think of how this might make you feel. What kind of person does that?” “Darcy.” “No, I … I’m so selfish. Normal people think of these things. What’s wrong with me?”

You shook your head, reaching over and taking her hands. 

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” “Yes, there is! You heard Carol. How stupid can I be?”

Darcy yanked her hands away from you, standing up and crossing her arms over her chest, and you sighed. 

“Carol was angry, Darce. She didn’t mean what she said.” “Well, maybe she should have.”

Darcy walked to the window and stared out, crossing her arms again. You licked your lips, speaking softly. 

“Do you remember that summer little Peter came to live with you?”

Darcy didn’t turn around, and you smiled. 

“You loved him, but you did not want a brother. You spent the night with me … at least once a week. And then you and I came out here and stayed for a couple of weeks.”

Darcy glanced over her shoulder and you smiled at her. 

“When I got your email and saw the date, I didn’t want to come. But all I could think about was that summer and how much fun we had together.”

Tears came to her eyes again. 

“That was the best summer of my life. When you and I were like you and Carol and Nat always were.”

She shook her head, voice going soft. 

“I’ve always wanted to be like you, Y/N. So kind and gentle. So loving. But I’m not.” “Honey.”

You stood up and walked to her, turning her to face you, taking her hands. 

“Look what being me got me. I got left at the altar, broken up with in the most public, most humiliating way. You need to be you, Darcy. Not me.” “But look at me! Basic decency somehow escapes me and I never even realize it until someone points it out. How can anybody live like that? How can Ian want to marry someone like that?”

She shook her head and you pulled her close, wrapping your arms around her. 

“That’s the wonderful thing about finding the person you’re supposed to spend your life with. You fit together like the only two pieces of a puzzle. Everything you lack, he has.”

Darcy moved her hands to your back, pushing you closer. You moved a hand to stroke her hair and she spoke softly. 

“You really believe that?”

You nodded. 

“It took me a while to get there, but that’s something that made me realize Peter and I never would have made it. We didn’t complete each other. I was over here and he was over there, and we couldn’t meet in the middle.”

You were struck with a memory of how Peter hated mushrooms, something you loved. While you’d been willing to sacrifice eating them, he wouldn’t budge. If he found a stray mushroom on his plate, he’d refuse to eat. 

Bucky didn’t like mushrooms, either. But he ordered them on pizzas, and he’d pick them off his slices and give them to you to eat. 

You took in a shaky breath. 

“Y/N?” “I’m okay. Are you?”

Darcy nodded. She leaned back, keeping hold of your hands. 

“I really am sorry my wedding is bringing up bad memories for you.”

You smiled. 

“It’s not all bad. I am enjoying the mistletoe, how happy it makes the little ones.”

Darcy grinned. 

“I’m just ready for you and Bucky to get stuck under some.”

You felt your cheeks flush and Darcy laughed softly. 

“He seems like a good one, Y/N. Much better than Peter.” “Thanks, Darce.”

She gave your hands a squeeze. 

“Are we okay?”

You nodded. 

“We’re good, bridezilla.” “Hey! I’m not a bridezilla!”

You giggled, and Darcy just stared at you for a moment before she started giggling, too.

Bucky glanced over his shoulder, smiling when you came walking down the stairs. He took in a breath and moved a hand to his chest. You stopped at the bottom of the stairs, adjusting the three-quarter length lacy sleeves of your black dress. 

“I don’t look like I’m going to a funeral, do I?”

Bucky snorted. 

“No. You look gorgeous.”

You rolled your eyes, fluffing the curls in your hair. 

“Nat’s a wizard with a curling iron.” “I see. Very nice.” “Very hairsprayed.”

Bucky gave a quiet laugh. You turned to look at him, at the sweater he was wearing with a suit jacket over it. You smiled, pretending to fix the lapels of his jacket. 

“You look nice, too.” “Oh, I say you’re gorgeous and all I get is ‘nice?’”

You laughed softly, laying a hand against his chest. 

“Handsome?” “Keep talking.”

Bucky looped your arm through his, walking with you to the section of the property where the rehearsal dinner would take place.

“Hunky?” “I feel that you could do better.”

You felt a smile come to your lips when the two of you reached the rehearsal. You leaned over, whispering to him. 

“Panty-dropping.”

Bucky’s eyes widened as his cheeks flushed and you laughed to yourself as you opened the doors and walked inside. He rushed up behind you, gently pinching your side. 

“Not cool!”

He hissed the words into your ear, straightening and eyes widening again. 

“Wow.”

The room was a winter wonderland, with multiple Christmas trees peppered throughout. Tables were set up with white tablecloths, fancy plates with silver edging, and tiny Christmas trees as centerpieces. Bucky couldn’t help but smile as he looked around, feeling for some reason like he was inside a snow globe, just without the snow. He turned to you, hand automatically reaching for yours. 

“Y/N.” “It’s—“

The breath hitched leaving your throat and you shook your head. Bucky stepped closer and you laid a hand against his chest, the steady beat of his heart soothing under your palm. You took a few deep breaths, letting them out slowly. Bucky leaned forward, his forehead bumping yours. 

“Is this how it was decorated for you?”

You nodded, pushing a smile onto your lips. 

“Not exactly. Some of the details are a little different. But it’s very close.”

You closed your eyes when Bucky pressed his lips against your temple. You gave his hand a squeeze. 

“The good news is, the dinner will be a thick steak that will melt like butter on your tongue.” “Oh, really?” “Yeah, I think I signed you up for the vegetarian version, though.”

Bucky’s blue eyes narrowed. 

“You take that back right now.”

You gave a soft laugh and he squeezed your hand. You looked over the room again, exhaling and nodding as you led Bucky outside to where the ceremony would take place. 

“So it’s like a rite of passage? Everyone gets married here?”

Scott nodded, taking another sip of his beer. 

“Hope and I did. All their moms did. Cassie’s even told me she’s getting married here, and I told her sure, when she’s forty.”

Bucky smiled, drinking from his beer. He looked across the room and saw you with Cassie and little Morgan, the girls each holding one of your hands as the three of you danced. Morgan looked up and tugged on your hand, and when you looked up and saw the mistletoe, you smiled, picking her up and kissing her cheek, making her giggle as she threw her arms around your neck. 

Bucky felt a pain in the center of his chest and he absently lifted a hand to rub it. He finished off his beer, taking his phone from his pocket and snapping a picture of Morgan’s head on your shoulder. He smiled at the photo, eyebrow raising when Morgan whispered in your ear. You nodded, putting her down on the ground, and Bucky watched her run on her tiptoes to him. He knelt down, taking her hands when she reached him. 

“Hi.”

Bucky smiled. 

“Hi.” “Y/N needs a boy to dance wif.”

Bucky’s smile widened. 

“Oh, she does?”

Morgan nodded, tugging on Bucky’s hand. He stood up and let her lead him to the dance floor, where you sighed and looped an arm around his neck. Morgan squealed as her dad came up behind her, picking her up and carrying her across the floor. Cassie ran over to Scott and you sighed again as you turned to face him. Bucky smiled as he murmured to you. 

“You good?”

You groaned softly, both of your arms around his neck as Bucky’s hands went to rest at your hips. 

“Those little monsters are exhausting.”

Bucky laughed and you rested your head against his shoulder. He closed his eyes, tilting his head to rest it on yours. The music playing turned slow, and you watched as Hank pulled Janet to the floor, Uncle Phil smiling as Nadia took his hand. You smiled when May wrapped her arms around your mom, both of them laughing as they started to sway. Pepper and Tony were dancing, a sleeping Morgan resting between them. Darcy and Ian were lost in each other’s eyes, her friend Jane almost hidden in the arms of her huge fiancé. Hope and Scott were barely moving, one of his arms around her, the other on her belly. Natasha and Clint were sitting in a corner, her legs over his lap, his arm around her shoulder. Carol was at the bar, smiling and talking to the bartender, a dark-skinned girl with a big smile. 

“Y/N?” “Hmm?” “You okay?”

You leaned back to look up at Bucky, taking in a breath and letting it out slowly. You moved a hand to brush your fingers through his hair. 

“It wasn’t like this last year.” “Really?”

You nodded. 

“I don’t really remember what it was, but there was some kind of crisis. I didn’t even dance at all. Peter was so quiet, so pale, and absolutely worthless with … whatever the problem was. I think Carol and Uncle Hank finally got everyone to leave.”

You sighed.

“That should have been a sign.” “Honey, you wouldn’t have seen it.”

You met his eyes and he smiled at you, adjusting his arms, pulling you closer. You stared into his eyes for a moment, then smiled back at him. 

“You’re right.” “I know.”

You gently punched his arm and Bucky laughed. Carol stepped over to you, a smile on her face. 

“It’s getting late. Bridesmaid slumber party for Darcy’s last night of single maidenhood.”

You gave a quiet laugh, then nodded. Carol glanced up and you gave a quick shake of your head. She rolled her eyes, sticking her hands in her pockets as she walked away. You turned back to Bucky and he smiled at you. 

“Slumber party, huh?”

You smiled. 

“It’s a tradition. We did it when Hope married Scott, did it last year, even though that didn’t turn out well.” “Did you sleep well last year?”

You shook your head. 

“No, I didn’t. Something else that should have been a bright red flag.”

Bucky gave a quiet laugh and you sighed. 

“It’s awful, but I’ll be glad when this is over.” “I know, babe. But it’s almost done.”

You nodded, leaning in and wrapping him in a hug. Bucky closed his eyes, hugging you tightly. You leaned back and smiled at him and you closed your eyes when he pressed a lingering kiss to your cheek. 

“Sweet dreams, Y/N.”

You nodded, watching him walk away, feeling a tugging in your heart to go with him. You swallowed, turning towards where your cousins had gathered, closing your eyes when Natasha put an arm around you, pulling you close to her side.

TAGS:  @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan, @walkingchemicalfire, @eileenalone, @mrsalh32611​, @alexxcorona113​, @ivoryhazlewood​, @chaoticfanatic, @rhapsody-in-flannel​, @hidden-behind-the-fourth-wall​, @captainchrisstan, @ninaminaromina​, @geeksareunique​, @allsortsofinterests​, @nerdy-bookworm-1998, @misplacedorphan​, @chrisevansgirl​, @whimsicalatbest​, @buckybarneshairpullingkink​, @isaxhorror​, @redhairedfeistynerd​, @n3rdybird, @the-ss-acklestan, @moonlessnight14​, @momobaby227​, @what-is-your-plan-today, @pinknerdpanda​, @smolandrare-coffee-bean​, @supraveng​, @becausewhyknotme​, @the-jer-bear​

[amazingflyingdick]

right here.

WHO: Dick Grayson @amazingflyingdick, Jason Todd @thatsjasonfkntodd, and mentions of Barbara Gordon @the-orxcle. WHERE: A random alleyway. WHEN: June 30th, 2020. WHAT: After receiving a text from Babs, Jason goes to check on Dick and comes across a disturbing scene.

Jason: The last thing he wanted to do was leave Roy alone, and he’d had a mind to keep arguing with Babs until she’d told him the name given. Dick’s sudden silence over the comms immediately took on a more sinister feeling. Roy would just have to be alright for a little while. Jason told him he was going out, that it shouldn’t be long, but didn’t give details beyond that. He didn’t know what the fuck was happening and it wasn’t the time to lay out a bunch of speculation.

He didn’t take his mask or any of the armor, but he grabbed his twin pistols and the Kris dagger and stored all three in his jacket. Hopefully he wouldn’t need them. Hopefully he’d be rolling up on Dick putting a band aid on some kid’s knee, get a lecture for being in public and armed, and be able to go back to Roy’s apartment. Hopefully, hopefully.

It was only a couple of blocks, Babs had given him the location, and it didn’t take him long to skip roofs until he got over there. He didn’t see anything at first. There was no NOVA patrol, no agents. Hell, there weren’t even civilians. When he abandoned height advantage to get his feet on the ground, he ended up seeing the blood before he saw his brother. The dark red seeping into concrete sidewalk was a too-familiar sight in his life. With a whispered Fuck, he followed the line of it until he saw Dick leaned against the side of a dumpster.

The fabric of his jeans scrubbed against the concrete as he got down beside him. “Dick...hey, hey man, I need you to answer me.” He swallowed the bile in his throat and ignored the rising panic. Shallow wounds bled a lot, more than they should. Might just be that. Dick: The scraping sound Jason's jeans made on the ground made Dick react. He wasn't sure what happened, not really, but the ringing in his head was loud and persistent and he was tired. It wouldn't be the first time he'd worked past his scheduled shift, but there was no reason he should still be here. The bar was dark and he couldn't hear anyone, couldn't see anyone except...

"Jay?" His mouth felt like it was filled with cotton. He felt something warm and wet on his cheek and he reached up to follow the trail back up to the side of his left eye. Even with gloves on, he felt the hole. The bullet went straight through and out the back of his head, the projectile embedded in the brick just a few inches above his head. He'd been kneeling when he was shot. "I think I cut myself. What time is it? Does Bruce know you're in Bludhaven?" The matter-of-fact, concerned tone was so utterly normal and completely displaced in a dark, blood-soaked alley.

The buzzing in his ears was getting louder. Dick winced and pushed to his feet, barely leaning against the wall before pressing his hand against his head. Blood had already soaked the back of his hair and uniform. He had the vague understanding that something was wrong but he didn't know what it was, but his mind jumped between what he was seeing and strange, disconnected memories that were part hallucination. "Think you can go get me the first aid kit, Little Wing? It's in the back, under the sink. I'm okay, I just have to patch myself up." Jason: Jason felt his throat go tight as he saw just where the blood was coming from. It was too dark where they were for him to see the wound itself, but it was clear that the source of all the bleeding was the back of his head. That coupled with the delirium, or maybe he was full on hallucinating, had Jason reaching out for him as soon as Dick stood up.

“I think it’s a little bigger than a cut, dude. Why don’t you...why don’t we sit back down for a minute...” They all knew field medicine, basic first aid, things that would keep them alive until they got actual medical care at the Batcave or the hospital or somewhere. Jason had a first aid kit on him, but it was small, the most basic of basics. There was gauze, though, and he had to do something to stop the bleeding. “Let me check you out. You can’t reach it yourself.”

Once he had the space to do it, Jason shifted until he was at Dick’s side instead of in front of him. He reached up with one hand, ready to feel for a cut. What he got instead was unmistakably a gunshot wound. As soon as he touched it, he jerked his hand away like he’d been burned and felt a trickle of cold go all the way through him. Fuckfuckfuckfuck.

He yanked the whole roll of gauze out and the tape with it. Before he even got started, he sent Babs a single line of text.

Send medical.

Dick: Dick did stop when Jason reached out, confused, but when he brought his hand away from his head he could see it was wet. It looked black in the dim lighting of the alley. He looked down at the blood on the pavement, already congealing, and thought there was no way he could even have that much blood in his body. It couldn't all be his.

"What happened? Was there a fight?" Something happened, something bad. That was something even he could reason out, despite being more and more distracted by the ringing in his head. It was giving him a headache. "Just a head wound. They bleed a lot, remember? Pretty sure I still have that scab from the train." That had been more than ten years ago. Dick's mind was jumping back and forth. One minute he knew he was in an alley in Star City, but the next he was just as convinced that this was Bludhaven. Jason was fourteen. Bruce was going to be mad at him for letting him in the bar at all, even if it were closed.

Jason's hasty movements made him reach over and calmly pick up the tape. He was already tearing off a piece for him by the time Jason finished with the text. When he set the roll down and saw that just his hand left it soaked in blood, he had a sinking feeling in his chest. "Jason." His sudden change in tone, urgent, with an edge of fear, made it obvious that he was back in Star City. Suddenly he was talking fast, eager to get the information out before there wasn't time. He could barely focus. "The kid I found, he said his name was Gary Kemp. The NOVA agent. I don't know who shot me, but..." He paused, blinking, and reached up to touch the wound even if it meant getting in the way of any first aid Jason was rendering. "Oh no." He was shot in the head? Dick laughed softly. "Now I have to come up with something better to say just in case my last words end up being about NOVA." Jason: As soon as he pressed gauze to the wound, it was soaked through with blood. He packed more onto it for both sides, and taped it down even though it meant pressing it to Dick’s hair. It wasn’t going to help for long. Jason’s hand was shaking a little as he held the second piece of it in place even after the tape. He only let it go when Dick suddenly snapped back into reality and the franticness of that did nothing to quell the dread pooling in his stomach.

“Fuck off with that,” he said immediately, not for a second letting that thought linger. “Babs has got help on the way. Me and Steph aren’t accepting new members of the club right now, so you’re going to have to live. Admissions are closed.” Jason moved to get Dick leaning back against the front of the dumpster, even though that was a horrible place to be. He didn’t want to move him to find anywhere better. Dick: Even through the haze of the strange pinging in his head and the slow creep of pain, Dick noticed Jason's hand shaking. He did shift back to lean against the dumpster, but reached up to put his hand on Jason's arm before he could move back. Normally he would have said nothing, he would have let Jason have that peace of mind, but there was so much blood. It was getting harder to breathe and he felt as if his head were burning from the inside. The pain made him want to move, but he settled for twisting his fingers in Jason's jacket. "Don't do that."

He didn't want to die in front of Jason. The thought made him feel cold. But even his unwavering optimism couldn't deny the reality of what he was facing. This wasn't something he was guaranteed to survive, let alone walk away from unscathed. There were so many things he could say and even wanted to say, but he didn't want to wrap his head around it. He thought about his family and how their last memories of him were that disastrous dinner, he'd never have the chance to make it up to them. He thought about Slade and hated that he would prove his cynicism correct by dying here, like this, even though it was because of his own actions.

Jason was here, he claimed not to care about the past, but suddenly Dick had to make sure. He had to talk. "I wanted more time. With you. To be your brother." It was a strange way to word how he felt, but it was difficult to explain it properly. "Also, please don't let anyone put me in the Lazarus Pit." Jason: It was funny, in a way that wasn’t actually funny at all, that he’d seen so much death in his life but so little of it had been accompanied by the burden of actually saying goodbye to anyone. His father had died across the city. His mother had been gone by the time he was on the bathroom floor. It didn’t make them any less dead or make it less real, but he’d dealt mostly with the aftermath and not the process. There had been close calls and very near misses with other people, but none so close as a bullet to the head and blood in an alley.

Jason closed his eyes. He had to. He could feel the irritating burn of tears and he needed it to go the fuck away. “Come on, Dickie. You’re not leaving me here to deal with everyone’s dumb bullshit without you. I didn’t sign up for that. That’s your job.”

Life had never been fair. He’d learned that by the time he could walk and talk. Life was a bitch that you had to figure out how to survive and twist into something you could stand. He hadn’t always managed to do that, and he still wasn’t great at it, but it had felt like a few things were getting better, like he’d been able to right some of the wrongs that he’d held onto for so long. Unfair didn’t begin to cover it if it was just going to be over that fast. “I need you here,” he said without realizing it until the words were out, even though they’d  barely been a whisper. They all did, but they weren’t all sitting there in a pool of Dick’s blood to say it. Just him. Dick: "You're better at it than you think." It didn't matter how many times he blinked. Jason was still blurry. Eventually Dick gave up trying to bring him into focus and kept his eyes closed. It made his head feel better and he could focus on staying conscious until the ambulance got there. It made him feel as if that gave him some control over the outcome of this, or at least gave him a better chance, because this wasn't how he wanted things to end. Not when he'd finally turned so many things around for the better. And not before he had time to repair the relationships he'd strained. Jason being left to handle Tim and Damian didn't alarm him, not really, because he knew that beyond Jason's hostility he still had the desire to connect with them. "They look up to you."

He heard the words beyond the roaring in his ears. Dick hadn't settled comfortably into the thought of death, but he'd recognized the very real possibility of it, but then... maybe he just wouldn't let it be an option. This was one more bullet he'd take and come back from. It might not bode well that it was a bullet to the head, but he could still feel all of his fingers and toes. He still knew his own name. He could still see, even if his vision was messed up. Jason should have found him already dead, but he didn't. If he were lucky enough to survive the initial shot, then he wasn't going to let himself die in an alleyway just because he got too complacent. "I'm here. I'm not giving up that easily." Dick wanted to smile, but he knew his mouth was full of blood and he could feel it moving down his throat. It wouldn't have the reassuring effect he wanted. "Just keep talking. About anything. Tell me something about you I don't already know." It was something he normally would have done, but he was finding it more difficult to keep his voice even. His body felt cold and even his voice shook from it. Every few seconds he thought he heard the ambulance in the distance, but it was that persistent ringing nose he couldn't get out of his head.

Jason: “Yeah well, they shouldn’t.” He didn’t elaborate. It wasn’t the moment for that. There had been times when he was willing to step in for the family, when he’d helped because they’d asked or needed it, but he was still struggling with the idea of being a more permanent part of it even if that had been kind of happening on its own. He didn’t want to really consider the idea of someone, least of all him trying to fill even half the role that Dick did. He’d spent so much of his life being resentful of it and it just wasn’t his to take. It wasn’t anyone’s.

The risk of Dick nodding off if they just sat there seemed too great, even as Jason struggled to think of one single thing to tell him. Something popped into his head in a few moments and he told the story before he had a chance to talk himself out of it. He’d thought about it a couple of other times, but there had never been a reason to bring it up.

“I saw you perform in the circus once. My dad lifted some tickets off a guy in the parking lot and got us in.” It was one of the few ‘normal’ memories that he had of Willis. What passed for normal, anyway. “I was probably six. I thought the animals would be the best part, but then you guys showed up. The Flying Graysons.” Jason swallowed and leaned back against the trashcan, listening for an ambulance he didn’t hear yet. “It was the coolest thing I’d ever seen. I thought you...” he let out a short sigh, embarrassed to actually be admitting it after so long, “I wanted to be you so badly that night. I’d never been as happy as you looked.” Dick: Dick shook his head. "Doesn't matter." They would regardless. He wanted to tell Jason that it meant something that they looked up to him for who he was, rather than an image that didn't exist, a standard that was more competition than admiration, but he had a feeling it wouldn't make much of a difference. It was a burden that he understood. It had been on his shoulders because he knew, after what happened to Jason, that they would need someone who wasn't Bruce. Dick never set out to project some golden standard and he would have denied it, if confronted, because he placed value on authenticity. It didn't occur to him that not doing things or holding back parts of himself was creating a false image of perfection. He'd been so wrapped up in what he needed to do or give that it was automatic to breeze over everything with ease or nonchalance.

It took years and a chain of events for everything to break down. For him to get here. Now he was finally getting some sort of footing, even if it were shaky. Even though he heard Jason, it took longer than usual for him to understand what it was he was saying. When it started to sink in he quickly opened his eyes so he could try to look at him. He was still blurry, but it hadn't gotten worse. "You were at... Haly's?" It took a beat longer than it should for the word to come to him. He didn't like that, but he tried not to linger on it. If Jason were six, it meant he'd been eight. It couldn't have been long before the murders. Jason wanting to be him just because he'd been happy was devastating. "I was," he finally whispered. His lips felt wet and he reached up, confused to find a strange mixture of blood and tears. "I wish I could be him." Dick's voice was getting more slurred, but he still seemed determined to speak, to keep talking, "Now? You've been that happy. Haven't you?" Jason: Jason could tell that Dick was struggling to talk, even though he was still doing it, and he was genuinely afraid to look at him. He already knew what he was going to see. Sure enough, when he made himself turn his head, he saw the dark shadow of blood between his lips and the unnatural paleness of his face. The gauze he’d put against the bullet wound was so dark with blood that it looked almost the same shade as his hair. Jason curled his hand into a fist at his side, scraping his knuckles against the rough cement, and made himself keep talking.

“Yeah. Haly’s. The old man thought he did me a big favor with that one.” And he had, in his own fucked up way. The only reason Willis had to steal circus tickets, of all things, was to take Jason. He’d still been a drunk asshole, but not every minute of every day. “I...don’t know,” he admitted, a little surprised by his own answer. “Maybe.” He should probably know if the answer was yes, though, right? He should know if he’d been that happy. Every good thing in his life always seemed to be weighed down by something else, though, and it had always been that way. “You looked free,” he added. “I guess we both want to be him now. Don’t think I’d look good in the leotard though.” He didn’t laugh even as he made the joke. Dick: Free. It was an interesting word to use. If Dick were fully capable of analyzing it he would have, but it somehow meant something in a way he didn't have to fully understand. Not right now, at least. It mattered more than Jason was telling him this now when he hadn't ever said a word about it before. Dick had no idea that Jason saw him at the circus. None at all. It was almost a relief knowing that he'd seen him before the worst day of his life.

Even though he'd been happy since, there was no denying that he'd never been as happy as he was that day in the circus. That was a different world. And even though Jason's answer made him sad, he wasn't willing to believe that he couldn't be that happy one day. "When this is over, we should go." Haly's Circus was still around, but it was back east somewhere. Dick didn't keep up with them. It was easier to keep his distance. "Don't think we can be him," he said quietly. The ringing in his head was a low buzz, but the world was getting dimmer and he closed his eyes again. He didn't want to lose consciousness now. It felt too soon, like he wasn't done saying what he needed to say, but he was struggling to articulate it. "That's what I want. For you, I mean. To be happy. Free. Do whatever you need to do to get it." Jason: When this is over. Jason clung to that a little too hard. “Yeah...yeah, sure, we’ll go. Road trip.” He would have never agreed to it under any other circumstance, and if Dick remembered it when he recovered he was going to vehemently deny that it had ever been said. But for those first few months at Wayne Manor, he’d wanted a brother like that. A family like that. He’d never got it, none of them did. They got something else entirely, and a road trip meant fighting crime across borders.

He sat up straighter as he heard what he was positive was finally an ambulance. It was still a few blocks away, maybe it wasn’t even coming to them, but he was sure he heard it. “That’s a tall order, Grayson. Nobody’s free.” Least of all him. “I’ll work on the other one.” He was trying. He’d been trying for years to get to something besides just bitterness and anger. It wasn’t always successful, and usually when it was he found some way to sabotage it.

He could hear Dick’s words sort of slurring together. With his jaw clenched so tightly it hurt, Jason reached out and put a hand on Dick’s shoulder to keep him sitting up. “Just a couple more minutes. Hang on.” Please. Dick: The agreement brought him an absurd amount of relief. Dick nodded, his grip on Jason's arm loosening even though he didn't release him completely. That tight grip was keeping him present and he needed it. He needed to stay present and not let himself get confused about where and when they were. Not again.

"Maybe not," he agreed, the heaviness in his tone more honest than it'd ever been. "But we can get close." He doubted he would ever be completely free. Part of him would always feel indebted to Bruce and the rest of his family, at least in some small ways, and that was a connection he wouldn't willingly sever even for his own sake. That Jason was willing to try and be happy was what he needed to hear and he nodded, slumping against the dumpster and finally letting himself relax. In the distance he thought he heard an ambulance, but he wasn't sure.

Jason's hand on his shoulder kept him upright. Dick took a shallow breath and heard it rattle in his throat. "Please don't go." It was a struggle to get the words out and he knew they were selfish, but  he couldn't help the request and it came from somewhere deep, unconscious, and his fingers twisted in Jason's sleeve as if he needed reminding that he was still there. Jason: He’d had to stamp down the urge to try again and stop the bleeding himself. There was nothing he could do, physically, and even though he knew that it was hard not to sit there and think that Dick was dying right next to him and he wasn’t trying to do more, find some way to make it better even if that was impossible. It seemed like keeping him awake was more important.

“Maybe we can.” He didn’t believe it. The second they’d put on the Robin suit, the very instant they’d let themselves become part of Bruce’s life and Batman’s ‘legacy,’ they’d thrown out freedom. It was the price paid. Freedom came with not knowing how ugly all the ugly parts of the world really were. Jason had never had that and Dick had lost it. There wasn’t any going back.

He fought not to close his eyes again. The idea of opening them to see Dick having faded away was too much. “Still right here,” he muttered. He moved his other hand on top of Dick’s, trying to ignore the fact that both of them had blood on them. It was impossible not to.

The ambulance sirens were closer. Jason heard them one street over, but couldn’t see the lights yet. He was going to have to get up so they could find them and know where to go, but he’d wait those last few moments. Dick: Even though part of him knew Jason was right, knew everything changed for them the day they donned the mantle of Robin, Dick still wanted to believe that their future was more malleable. He didn't want to be held down by the past. It was one thing that might make him different than the others: his unwavering belief that things could be better, even when they were at their most dire.

Like right now. Part of him knew that he was hovering at a dangerous level, right on the edge of something - and he didn't know what that something was, but he was trying to resist the pull to give into it. It would be easier to let himself fade into unconsciousness. There was almost a comfort in not feeling any more pain.

He thought he heard the ambulance, but he wasn't sure and it wasn't worth ruining the moment to ask. His grip on Jason's hand tightened, almost desperately, and he was barely aware of the other intruding voices once the EMS crew arrived and took over. He didn't want to lose the grip he had on Jason's hand, or arm, or whatever he could touch that was concrete and kept him in the present. The second he was pulled away and the contact was lost, he gave into the cool, comforting blackness, even though he didn't see it as giving it. It was simply the respite he needed before he returned full force to fight.

[astrochiron]

the signs :: my dear melancholy, // the weeknd

Aries & Libra- Hurt You

“And now I know relationships [are my] my enemy, so stay away from me; i’m warning you”

The opening lines of the song sets us up with Abel claiming that he’s over relationships; they hate him, he hates them, and he’s warning this girl of such before everyone gets hurt. His antagonization of the relationship and his aggressive tone exudes Arian energy. It also speaks from a place of independence and rejection of the “other”.

“When you're with him, you close your eyes and think of me

Just call me up again

I'll make you weak”

Abel goes on to talk about how the two of them share a special connection and even if she’s with someone else, he’ll always be on her mind. I’ve personally heard a Libra or two express this sentiment to someone. Libras are often amazing partners and great, attentive lovers, so his claim isn’t likely unfounded.

Overall

“Hurt You” takes on the perspective of both the woman (probably Bella Hadid) and Abel (The Weeknd), allowing for equal representation that expresses Libran fairness. He’s looking at how he doesn’t want to get involved with her again because he knows that he’ll just hurt her again. Plus, its focus on the relationship itself associates with Libra’s position as the sign of romantic connections. I think Arians are very honest with themselves and, at the end of the day, would rather do bad on their own then bring another in on their problems. This also pushes people away, leaving Aries to fix everything on their own. Plus he brags on his sex fame a bit, which is common from both of these signs.

Taurus & Scorpio- Privilege

“And I don't wanna hear that you are suffering

You are suffering no more

'Cause I held you down when you were suffering”

This line is super Taurean to me. Taurus is the sign of stability, support and comfort and Abel was saying he was all three for this person at one point. If anyone cares, this is specifically talking about how Selena Gomez was physically suffering and how he was a support system for her, even allegedly offering to donate a kidney for her when her own failed. This also connects with a Taurean’s tendency to take a lot of shit until they reach their breaking point, from which there is no return.

“And I'ma fuck the pain away, and I know I'll be okay […]

But I'ma drink the pain away, I'll be back to my old ways”

I’m not one to reduce Scorpio solely to sex but it is a large part of both it and Taurus’s main tropes. Scorpio seeks a deep connection and Taurus is centered around sensual pleasure. Abel seems to be using sex and alcohol as more of an escape, leading toward more Scorpio-like (and even Piscean) tendencies. It’s doubtful that these sensual pleasures and attempts at intimate connection will actually help, but he’s down to try.

Overall

“Privilege” is basically about facing the reality and aftermath of a break up. Scorpio is associated with death, including the death of a relationship and the aftermath afterward. Taurus focuses on living in reality with its Earth association. It’s all about the here and now, being stable and physically present which is shown with the physical ways Abel tries to patch himself up after his heartbreak. Scorpio, not he other hand, focuses on evolution and growth especially after a major upset like a break up.

Gemini & Sagittarius- Try Me

“Once you put your pride aside

You can notify me (-fy me), -fy me (-fy me)”

This reminds me of Gemini. They’re not too prideful when it comes to things they want. Gemini is often compared to school-aged ids and that’s very true when it comes to their motivations; no pretense or deep thought when its something they simply want. I can totally see them persuading a partner to be less pretentious; “C’mon, don’t over think this one. When you stop being so honorable, let me know.”

“Havin' thoughts you never had, yeah”

This line reminded me of Sagittarius’s ability to make things more logical or philosophical, seemingly the opposite of Gemini’s simplcity. They’re good at pushing their ideas for their own benefit, making the woman have thoughts she never had in the first place.. “I mean it’s not really cheating if you and I don’t kiss; no emotions involved. Besides, you’re not married so you’re technically single,” or “I mean what’s the actual definition of cheating?”

Overall

So “Try Me” is basically Abel telling this girl to leave the guy she’s with now and try him out again. I’m so sorry if this offends y’all (I’m not sorry, really), but it instantly reminded me of both Sag and Gemini. I’m a Sag moon and I know how… calculated we can be with these matters. Gemini represents all things familiar and things you’re pretty well-versed in due to repetition and what screams that more than having sex with an old fling?

Cancer & Capricorn- Wasted Times

“And what they got that I ain’t got? Cause I got a lot”

This is a line that someone who likes to provide for others would say. Both signs are concerned with protection and providing, Cancer wanted to nurture and provide emotionally while Capricorn shields and provides physically. It screams, “I took care of you and I gave you all i had; what can he give you?”. This also speaks to the Capricornian tendency to compare status.

“I ain’t got no business catching feelings”

Cancers are super stubborn when it comes to trusting and letting others in, especially romantically. It’s all to do with that crab shell that protects them from harm. They have no time to catch feelings cause when they do, it’s insanely deep. This is the same for Capricorn, really, as they (GASP) change their future plans for those they love and hate fucking with their vision for those who aren’t serious.

Overall

“Wasted Times” is about Abel being a highly publicized relationship with Selena Gomez, the operative Capricornian word being “publicized”. Abel hates to think he publicly linked his name with someone that he considers as wasted time. Both Cancer and Capricorn is all about time too; Cancer will lament on time wasted, saddened by past mistakes and Capricorn won’t even let you waste their time, focusing on the future.

Leo & Aquarius- Call Out My Name

“You’re on top, I put you on top I claimed you so proud and openly, babe”

Aquarians are almost as secretive as Scorpios especially when it comes to associating themselves with people. Aquarius re-prioritized and even claimed her publicly, both being a big deal. Putting the one you love on top is also such a Leo trope, too; love before all, even self.

“Why can’t you wait ’til I fall out of love?”

This line is pretty self centered which tend to associate with (all fixed signs but especially) Leo and no, that’s not always a bad thing. Leos and Aquarians both don’t like when people don’t react the way they planned or in the way that’s most beneficial toward them. He simply wanted her to wait to move on until he was ready to move on himself, now is that too much to ask? To a normal person, hell yes.

Overall

“Call Out My Name” starts the album expressing how Abel is putting way more into the relationship than the other party. Every single person with heavy Leo placements that I’ve known have hearts bigger than Volkswagen Beetles, so they tend to give their relationship 250% even if the other person is only capable of 19%. This also gives a brief look into the often irrational and deep feelings that Aquarians claim they don’t have.

Virgo & Pisces- I Was Never There

“Now I know what love is and I know it ain’t you for sure

You’d rather [have] something toxic, so I poison myself again, again”

This is the line that secured this song as Virgo for me. Abel aways equates women or the pursuit of them to drugs and the fact that he knows how unhealthy the relationship is shows a Virgoan awareness as well a Piscean tendency to ignore such awareness. He’s resorting back to what he knows, the tried true method of coping, so he can feel better.

“I'm on the edge of something breaking

I feel my mind is slowly fadin'

If I keep going, I won’t make it”

These lines at the end of the song, again, point toward the Virgo-Pisces axis. Virgos are hardworking to a fault. They, like Abel, do what they can until they’re completely spent. Pisces will put forward energy they don’t even have to help boost those around them. Both of these methods are unhealthy and ultimately self-destructive. If he keeps putting all his energy into this thing and she keeps sucking it up without reciprocity, he simply won’t make it, or at least they won’t.

Overall

Well I immediately pegged “I Was Never There” as Pisces and since there were only six songs, Pisces’ sister had to come along too. It does fit though! Virgo and Pisces both are mutable signs and this song is specifically discussing the end of a relationship. Mutable signs bring on the ends of their respective seasons are associated with destruction, critique and moving on. He turns to drugs and other unhealthy escapist shit to get over the relationship which, stereotypically enough, is associated with Pisces.

check your moon sign (for the song that makes you comfortable and puts you in your emotions), sun sign (the song that makes you happy and the one you ride around to) and venus sign (the one that speaks to your inner artist). the whole album is a no-skip™ for me. treat yo self.

[mimzy-writing-online]

Some Blind Things I (and actual blind person) Have Done

I talk all the time about what’s realistic for a blind person to do and how to write a blind character who isn’t a complete media myth of touching faces and super powers... soooo, part of that is knowing what kind of things an actual blind person (me) fucks up doing because I’m blind.

These moments include: Me sarcastically telling people I cannot see the thing they’re doing. Moments where I have zero manners. Moments where I do have manners. Making people uncomfortable because they’re staring at me. Great phrases like, “I have too much ADHD to count to eight.” and “It’s literally illegal for me to drive.” and “Wait, who are you?” “That’s not how we talk to people Mimzy.” My cats’ growing concern that I can’t see them or tell them apart but continuing to love me. Channeling my inner Toph Bei-Fong. Updates on the ongoing insomnia writing.

There’s no chronological order to them, I’m not sure there’s going to be any order to them at all, but it’s 3 am and I can’t sleep and it’s called the Late Night Writing Advice Blog for a reason.

(I definitely did not have to double check my own blog title while typing that, definitely not)

Note: This list gets a little long, but it’s a funny read and I was up until 4:30 (this note is from a future Mimzy who’s almost finished posting this, after 1.5 hours)

Additional Note: Feel free to send anons with commentary or reblog with commentary because I would love if someone enjoyed this. Like, these are stories of my life, please appreciate them.

The Things!

-My best friend and I hang out mostly at night because of his 9-5 job, and he still lives with his parents who probably don’t like me so when we hang out we’re mostly driving around on random adventures and coffee/tea runs and late night dinners. 

So it’s night, and my night vision is awful and I have to wear sunglasses anyway because what I can see is painfully bright headlights so yeah I see basically nothing.

With my best friend, I have

1. after asking him a question: “Did you nod at me and I just didn’t see it.” “I did nod.” or after waiting long enough for a response he’ll realize what he did on his own and say, “I was shaking my head no, sorry.”

2. Reaching into total darkness to touch his shoulder and touched his armpit instead.

3. Dropped something from my bag onto his messy car floor and asked him to find it for me because it all looks blurry and grey-black down there, even without sunglasses

4. Sensed he was going for a high five and I gave him a perfect high five. Surprised, he wanted to test it again. I completely missed.

5. “We’re passing the oil refinery, so enjoy hearing, touching, smelling, tasting that.” plus 3 other identical jokes on the same drive. “Hey, can you stop making blind jokes, I’m starting to hate them these days.” “When did that happen?” “When one not-great classmate slash sort of friend made them all the time.” “That’s a shame.” “Blind jokes from sighted people are also super repetitive. The only blind jokes I seem to like are from other blind people.”

6. Him: “You’re rolling your eyes behind your sunglasses, I can tell!” 

7. Once we saw snow once our way driving home from Las Vegas. It was March, it was after midnight, and the warmest it had been at any point in that night was 40 degrees Fahrenheit (4.4 degrees Celsius. That’s a real comparison?? That’s a scary number to an American who’s barely ever left California. We were driving through the mountainy area of California where the temp really drops and for three seconds we saw snow in the wind. Well, he saw it. Something moved, it was small and flaky but like... that was actually snow and I couldn’t see it? (this was three, almost four years ago)

8. Last weekend we drove around the rich neighborhoods to look at Christmas decorations because I love Christmas lights because for ones light actually looks pretty instead of painful and I can see it at night without hurting, so it’s nice. I love the pretty visual things. Blindness will not take the pretty visual things from me! And the decorations just make me so happy and I wanted to do that last year but never did, so we did that this year

9. I also told him about the cripple punk tag on Tumblr last weekend and he was delighted to know it exists because he’s got other chronic health issues including downright awful knees.

Other blind things not directly involving my best friend

1. I have paused writing to ask a sighted person if it’s realistic for my sighted characters to see X item from Y distance away. Usually my dad with his stupidly perfect vision.

2. Realizing I’m forgetting what sighted people can see. It’s been four years since I saw like a normal person. And all my sighted memories are literally blurry from age.

3. But I still have dreams where I see normally. And then dreams where everything is too bright like in real life and I cannot see and what is happening???

At home, specifically

1. I have three cats who I can’t tell the difference between. I have a small black and brown tabby cat. A black and orange tortie cat who is slightly heavy but medium build. An all black cat who is huge and has the longest fur I’ve ever touched on a cat. I cannot tell the difference between them until I’m up close. Especially if the lighting bad.

2. Tonight I almost set my laptop on top of Remy, my brown and black tabby, because I didn’t see here a foot away from me, curled up next to my leg, somehow blending in with my orange and blue comforter. Her concerned look I did see and was horrified by my almost fuck up and apologized profusely for.

3. Cannot see Felix, my black cat, half the time if the lighting is bad and have almost sat on him, put my feet in his face, tripped over him, etc. because he blends into the shadows and oh my fucking god I cannot see that.

Note: Remy cuddles with me all the time. Felix adores me but will not be caught dead cuddling anyone because dignity, but if he’s in my room and nobody’s around to see he’s insistent on cuddling. Rio (black and orange tortie) is devoted to my mum, and she knows she makes me nervous when she suddenly jumps on me and I get really shifty and squirmy and not fun to cuddle with, so we’re cool and I give her pets but she doesn’t usually crawl onto me unless she wants to make my mum jealous.

4. Can sneak up on family members and friends because I move so quietly, so at least there’s that. Not a blind thing, but it makes up for some things.

5. Have walked up to someone I thought was a friend, realized I don’t know them, and the first thing out my mouth was “Wait, who are you?” and then a close friend (and the party host) grab me by the shoulders and say, “That’s not how we talk to people,” and just like, where are your manners Mimzy, wtf, but I never saw that stranger again so it’s okay.

Side Note: blindness aside, I do have a habit of just rudely speaking my mind in not-appropriate settings because I just don’t care and don’t have the anxiety to at least act like I care. They’re very satisfying, but usually very rare moments.

6. Please stop moving things around the house!

7. “What do you mean there are cobwebs?” *Shines a flashlight at the dark corners of my room* “oh my god...”

8. Me, to my family members, “Please close those curtains, light hurts. Please turn off that lamp, it’s too bright in here.” *me, later turns off most of the lights in the house* Family members: “Why is it so dark in here? I can’t see.” *Me, channeling my inner Toph Bei-Fong* “Oh no, what a tragedy!”

9. Mum is the only one who vaguely appreciates my light sensitivity because she also has snow vision (a mild case) and has a little light sensitivity, sometimes, on her bad days.

More Not Quite Appropriate Things!

There are so many things that I say only to realize that there is a very nearby stranger who heard that out of context and it sounded so bad.

1. Best Friend (while I’m walking down stairs just fine, by myself, don’t need anyone’s help, I can do it!) “There are eight steps.” “I don’t need your help.” “I know but--” “I’m fine!” “I’m just trying to help.” “I have too much ADHD to count to eight anyway!”

“I have too much ADHD to count to eight anyway,” is exactly what two strangers heard while walking right behind me.

Why would you sneak up on someone who’s so obviously blind??

2. “Sea foam green is an ugly color anyway.” I was in a mall, it was well lit and I was using my cane and managing with my crap vision, but I managed to see that specific color I hate on a dress right next to me, and the woman walking on the other side of the mannequin display heard that and did a double take on my obviously blind self.

Or so I’m told by my mom who could see what happened.

3. Similar to above, I was in the Artist Village in San Diego, which is a huge tourist trap, and I was sort of a tourist too, but it’s freaking outdoors, so I have the cane and sunglasses. And I’m in an Artist Village (very visual thing) with my parents, so out of place. And this random dude was apparently staring at me. Cannot see him, absolutely no idea which direction my mum is pointing towards, everything is blank and weird and not see-able, but I turned my head and by some miracle looked directly at him and he freaked out and looked away.

4. “Oh yeah, make fun of the blind person!” sarcastically, but loudly, somewhere public after a joke a friend had made that I was actually okay with.

5. “Driving and hiking are my two biggest weaknesses,” said out of context to people who didn’t know I was blind.

6. “I forgot you were blind.” “Well I didn’t.” More channeling of Toph, I think.

7. “Why can’t you drive?” *points to cane* *he does not get it* “It’s very illegal for me to drive.” *does not get it* “They’re blind dude,” classmate says. “Very blind.” “You seem to get around just fine,” says the man who only see me indoors with the very best lighting scenario for my vision. “Yeah, but that’s because I have the cane.” “So?” You seem just fine, he seems to think. How dumb are you? I definitely think. “Why do you need the cane?” “Because I would die if I didn’t have it. I have almost died. People would die if I tried to drive.”

8. Later: “Did he think you could just drive and use your cane to feel the road or something?” “I guess.”

9. More questions from other people who don’t know me very well asking why I can’t drive. “Because it’s illegal.” Their confusion is wondering specifically why it’s illegal rather than thinking I’m not actually blind. I explain the laws in the driving handbook, because I have read it (unlike some people I guess. How did you miss the ‘drivers must be able to see at least 20/40 with their best corrected eye” and I haven’t been in that category for two years.

Note: My day blindness came two years before my vision acuity reached visually impaired status. So, like, two years of wishing I had a cane but thinking “I’m not blind enough” and still being terrified in certain situations and risking my life walking around without one or some sighted guide.

Similar Public Things

1. I can see indoors pretty well so I get by on prescription glasses and no cane (I see 20/70 - 20/100 with glasses) but sometimes the mall is crowded and nobody gives me space and I’m just not comfortable getting so close to people, so I bust out my cane (and maybe my sunglasses too) so I look extra blind and people will give me the space to walk without running into someone.

2. Have also done that just because the indoor lights were also too bright and I need my sunglasses.

3. Have stared at my phone in public with cane/sunglasses, or tried taking photos with it, and I get so many weird looks because blind people see nothing I guess, none of us have any vision at all! (read sarcasm)

4. Walking into a coffee shop I’ve been to before and I know they change their teas all the freaking time. Also got the cane. “Hi, can you tell me what iced teas you have right now?” “Oh, they’re all on that sign.” *blank look* Do you not realize I’m blind? I’m thinking. “What kind of black tea do you have? Do you have any tropical black tea?” (because they usually do and I love tropical black tea, and they did that day too, so I ordered that.)

5. I cannot read menus. Those restaurants that have the menus above the register are awful, evil. Cannot read. In the wonderful days of my childhood I didn’t have prescription glasses for my moderately not great but still mostly functional vision (my dad has perfect vision and no concept whatsoever about what it’s like to not be able to see those things!) So imagine my parents dragging me to restaurants like that and I’m 10 years old and supposedly can read perfectly fine but I cannot read that menu and I think it’s some personal character fault of mine that I just don’t know how to read those kinds of menus, so I have to ask my mum to help me choose a food to order and eat, and then that’s the only thing I ever order any time I ever go back. So, I’m quickly getting sick of those places because I only eat one item there and I want to try something new with a restaurant with those nice hand held menus, but those are sit-down restaurants and apparently they cost more money, sooo...

6. That was a rant I went on with my best friend last weekend

Side note: It’s almost 4 am, my mum just woke up, saw the light on in my room from under the crack of my door and said hi. I’m at a point right now where she just expects it and isn’t one to judge (unlike my dad who has zero insomnia because he has hypersomnia and I don’t know how humans do that)

Side Note Ten Minutes Later: My laptop is at 10% but I plugged it in because dammit I am finishing this tonight and it will have all the things.

7. “Hey, where’s the trash can? I can’t find one.” *also mistakes a trashcan and a human being just sitting still. All the time* “Why not just litter then?” best friend asks, knowing exactly how I’ll respond. “I have manners!”

8. I hate traveling even a little by myself. My orientation and mobility skills with my cane aren’t that bad, but they’re not good enough for me to feel comfortable walking around by myself anywhere that isn’t super familiar with routes I already have practiced and memorized (school, close friend’s houses or apartments, the blocks in my neighborhood I’ve walked 500 times coming too and from school or walking dogs with my parents). Anywhere unfamiliar or wide/open or crowded or God Forbid, OUTSIDE is a source of terror and will not let my traveling companions leave me alone for longer than a few minutes and certainly not walk away on my own.

9. Will not go to bars because I present female and I am visibly disabled and that makes me look like an easy target and why would I risk that unnecessarily?

I’m gonna cut it off here. This is a long post, and I need to just finally go to bed. Goodnight. I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to send anons with commentary or reblog with commentary. I’d like to know that someone liked this.

[purplesurveys]

819

what is a food that you’d hate to be allergic to?: Omg SEAFOOD. Can’t live without it. If I was allergic to it I’d be that person who brings tons of antihistamines everywhere I go so I can power through when eating crabs and mussels and shrimp. I just can’t live a life of being forced to watch others eat seafood while I can’t lol.

what color was the last towel you used?: Light blue.

would you prefer to date someone taller, shorter, or the same height as you? Same height or a tad bit taller is fine; I’m not super particular when it comes to height.

when was the last time your nose bled? My nose has never bled before and I dread the day it happens for the first time, because I’m totally unprepared and blood freaks me out and I will highkey probably pass out for a bit hahaha.

how old are you turning this year?: I already turned 22 last April. Considering the circumstances, my birthday had surprisingly gone really well too.

what is your favorite thing to snack on while watching a movie?: French fries from Potato Corner. My go-to bucket size is Mega and I will typically request my order to be 1/2 barbecue and 1/2 cheese fries. I’ll feel super uneasy if I don’t have that exact order when watching a movie at the cinema.

swimming pool or hot tub?: So I had to look up hot tub because I wanted to know how it’s different from a jacuzzi, and holyyyyy crap I’ve learned something new - Jacuzzi is a brand of hot tubs, wtfreak my life has been a lie I thought it was a word!!! Hahaha in any case, I do prefer hot tubs more. I’ve always felt dirty hanging around in swimming pools.

can you swim well? I’m not able to perform any of the strokes like an Olympic athlete, but I can tread well and for a good amount of time.

what body part do you wash first in the shower?: Not really a part of the body per se but I’ve always washed my hair first.

who would you allow to read your thoughts for one day? No thanks, I find that too invasive. 

what kind of first impression do you think you make? Cold and a little aloof, which isn’t too far off from the truth especially if I’m not approached first. If someone does talk to me for the first time, it’ll depend on their body language whether I’ll choose to continue to be reserved, or if I’d want to be bubbly and vibrant around them.

name your last reason for using a camera? My dad honked his horn as he parked in the carport to let us know he was home, and my dog ran up the screen door and sat patiently to wait for him to come inside, his tail wagging the whole time.

where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed? Sometimes I’ll line up our dining chairs together so it can turn to some sort of bed, and I’ve been falling asleep on that often lately.

what are you excited about? To drink the rest of this milk tea my dad bought me :) He went out to run some errands and I guess he’s been hearing me talk about how I miss having milk tea, so he went out of his way to go to a Chatime and get drinks for me and my sister.

seven days from now, will you be in a relationship? Yes.

are you a happy person? My emotions are always all over the place. I’m never consistently in a certain mood.

when was the last time you laughed really hard & why? I was bored and missing normal life last night so I went through my uploaded photos on Twitter so I can see what I used to do before everything went downhill...and by doing that, I realized that I’m quite good at tweeting HAHAHA most of my captions made me laugh and my content/photos weren’t all that bland or bad either. Idk, this is one instance where I can confidently say that I’m funny hahaha.

what are you wearing? A UP shirt and a pair of shorts.

what do you want? For my college to post the official list of graduating students for this school year so that I can finally partake in the tradition of changing my Facebook DP to my senior photo. I REALLY love how my portrait turned out and I can’t wait for my loved ones to see it.

did you enjoy your weekend? It was okay I guess. My mom was annoyingly cranky throughout Saturday for no reason, but it mellowed out by the next day and that’s good enough for me. Other than that, it was just as uneventful as the last three months have been.

do you regret anything you’ve done recently? Just little stuff that I get over quickly like, “oh I regret making this coffee at 11 PM because it’s now 3 AM and I’m jumpy as fuck.” But no big regrets recently.

is there anybody you wish you could see? For fucking sure. I don’t even have to tell y’all who it is.

have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with j or m? Nope. I almost went out with an M, though.

how many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 2 3/4 lol. I trust Andrew 110%...and I mooooostly trust my dad. Not with every single topic under the sun, but I still trust him a whole lot nonetheless.

do you think you’ll be married in 10 years? I hope I will be by then.

what makes you mad most about girls? Definitely wanna avoid generalizing in this question but the way some girls will fawn over men is super hypocritical and that bugs me to no end. Girls shaming other girls for a range of things is also annoying, whether it’s over wearing too much makeup, not wearing makeup, choosing to abort, physical appearances, their diet, etc. Some really need to mind their own fucking business.

have you ever been given roses? Yes.

do you even like getting flowers? I love receiving stems or bouquets but I’m not obsessed with them in that I wanna get them regularly. Giving me flowers for Valentine’s Day or on our anniversary is more than enough for me.

what’s your favorite flowers? Peonies.

could you go out in public looking like you do now? No. I’d change my shorts.

who’s the first person you texted today? I haven’t texted anyone today.

would you move to another state to be with the person you loved? That’s a toughie...it would depend on the opportunities I have wherever I live in the present, and whether there are better ones where my partner is. I’m young and still building up my career, so realistically I’d wanna look out for myself first instead of clumsily jumping in headfirst for love lol.

how’s the weather today? It’s strangely warm and humid and uncomfortable, which is annoyinggggg. News has said that the wet/rainy season already begun, so I don’t know why the sun is still hanging around and being, again, annoying.

what color are your eyes? Really dark brown, almost black.

do you like poptarts? In my country we only get the same five flavors but my favorite out of all of them is chocolate fudge. I really wish we had a wider selection though :(

where will you be 12 hours frm now? Getting ready for bed most likely.

is it easy for others to make you feel intimidated? No. I’m usually the one who involuntarily makes others feel intimidated, oops.

do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow? Not exactly but it’s definitely gonna be one of the several tops and shorts I’ve just been repeatedly wearing at home since March.

are you on a desktop or laptop? Laptop. I haven’t used a desktop in ages.

does anyone hate you for no reason? I’m sure one or two people do, but I genuinely can’t care less.

what are you planning to do today? Finish my milk tea, maybe take another survey or two, eat the salted egg chips that my dad bought, and, if it cools down later in the day, take a quick nap.

play an instrument? I can play the recorder. I also memorize several songs on the piano, but the key word there is memorize lmao. I just know which keys to press due to watching covers over and over; but I can’t read notes, I don’t know which letters match which keys, have no idea what major and minor is, and I basically know absolutely nothing about using a piano.

would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Just to get closure from certain people or events. If I can go back in time I’d spend more time with my late grandpa, for one.

where did you get the underwear you are wearing right now? I’ve already forgotten.

have you ever kissed someone whose name starts with an r? No. I’m an R though, heh.

have you ever passed out? Yeah numerous times. I’m a big fainter, which just sounds so uncool lmfao.

are you easily confused? Yes I feel lost quite easily. I’m often the butt of my friends’ jokes because of this, but I don’t mind hahaha.

do you think you would make a good wife/husband? I like to think that I would be, but I dunno. I’m still insanely young and I know I’ll be a completely different person with different priorities, mindset, attitude, etc., by the time I get married. It’s too early to tell.

what’s your favorite kind of ice cream? Cookies and cream. Queso real is also a really good flavor and it was my favorite for some time before my taste shifted to cookies and cream.

do you like coffee? Love coffee.

do you like summer? I like it when I get to go to the beach or when my family books trips out of town or the country, but I reeeeeally could do without the hot and sticky weather. It’s definitely not my favorite period of the year.

where were you at 8am this morning? I was asleep for half of it, then by 8:30 I was up and scrolling through Facebook.

do you fall for people easily? No. That is one thing I can’t do as a demisexual haha.

everything happens for a reason? This is usually my mindset, yes. It helps me process and accept circumstances better and much more quickly.

have you ever dated someone more than once? Yup, Gab and I have broken up before.

who have you texted in the last 24 hours? No one. Not really big on texting these days as I’ve been using Messenger to contact people throughout the quarantine.

what color nail polish is on your toes? My toes are never painted.

do you find members of the preferred sex confusing? People of any gender have the potential to be confusing. < This.

what are you listening to right now? Right now all I can hear is the work being done for the new house that’s being constructed in front of ours, so I’ll hear the occasional shoveling of stones and trucks coming in and out of the construction zone. The last music I listened to was the Presto from Summer of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons because Portrait of a Lady on Fire always makes me feel things.

how has the week been? It hasn’t been horrible, I’ll give it that. I’ve been revisiting my old fandoms out of boredom but it’s turned out to be a lot of fun; my mom brought home cupcakes at the start of the week; I had milk tea today; and we just had Kimi groomed this afternoon so his fur is all gone and now he looks like a giant rat.

is there something you wish you could tell someone but can’t? I wish I could have respectful debates with my Duterte- and/or Trump-supporting relatives, but I know that’s impossible.

what are your biggest turn offs? People who: can only hold shallow conversations, are disrespectful to those in the service industry; are casually homophobic, racist, sexist, transphobic, and/or fatphobic; take their religion way too seriously; and neglect their pets.

favorite shirt to wear? My CM Punk Best in the World shirt, without a doubt. I’ve been wearing it semi-regularly for nine years and have absolutely no intention of throwing it out.

favorite drink? Depends on my mood and the occasion. If I’m studying I’d wanna have coffee with me, if I’m casually dining at a restaurant I’d be happy with iced water, etc.

last person to say ‘i love you’ to you? Gab.

would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yeah, but when that’s gonna happen again I still have no idea...

what’s your favorite color gummy bear? I always find myself reaching for the red ones.

what is the nicest part of the opposite sex’s body? I don’t consistently stare at a certain part of a guy’s body.

have you ever run into a dishwasher? No, those aren’t common here.

ever had a song sung about/for you? Nope.

is there a baby in the room with you right now? No, not technically. But I do consider my pets to be my babies. < Same. Kimi, now a giant rodent, is walking around the living room at the moment but he never strays too far from me.

where do you sing the most, in the car, the shower or other? CAAAAAAAAAR. This is a big reason why I miss driving, I haven’t been able to belt out in a while.

what is your favorite thing that is green? I don’t own a lot of green stuff since it’s my least favorite color...buuuuut I do have a printed flowy dress that I just love to wear, and it’s mostly olive green.

what did your last text message say? It’s an automated text from a vet clinic I went to last December telling me that I should bring Kimi back for a checkup. I appreciate the gesture but I’m not going back there after how condescending the vet was acting towards me.

what is the way to your heart? Acts of service has been my love language for the longest time.

what do you smell like? I smell nothing off of me now but I do know that I don’t smell unpleasant, because if I did I would’ve noticed it immediately and would feel more conscious.

what’s in your pocket? I don’t have any.

anything in your mouth? Not right now but I’ve been sipping milk tea with pearls all afternoon.

ever hurt yourself playing wii? Only after my first day of playing Wii Sports. It was like a workout for my tiny 10 year old body and I woke up all sore the next morning.

do you have freckles? No, not a common feature here.

what’s the last movie you saw in the theater? Knives Out.

ever jumped/fallen/been pushed in a pool with your clothes on? Noooooooooo. I feel like that’s super uncomfortable; I’ve always entered pools with a swimsuit or bikini. My glare is usually enough for people to understand that I wouldn’t appreciate being thrown into a pool while I still had clothes on.

are you wearing any clothes that you wore yesterday? Technically. I took a shower in the evening and changed into the clothes I’m wearing now, but that was in the evening so it’s not like I wore them all day yesterday.

name a song that you know all the words to: Every single Paramore song. Guaranteed.

what’s the last thing you watched on tv? If we’re really going with a physical TV, the last thing I watched was Descendants of the Sun when I used the Netflix app on our TV. The last series I watched in general was Friends.

what can you hear right now? Two fans whirring in the living room.

did you feel better or worse or the same yesterday? I’m slightly better today. I’m glad Kimi has finally been groomed since his fur had knotted up in the last couple of weeks. Plus I also have milk tea today, and that’s always a winner :)))

are you close to your siblings? With my sister, but we treat each other like buddies and are more of the tough-love type. We banter more than anything and we don’t hold heart to heart talks.

do you bite your nails? No we have a nail cutter at home that I use. If I’m going through a period of heightened anxiety I will bite my nails though.

do you like your feet? Uh, I guess. I’m not complaining about them? but I’m also not attracted to feet. Mine are just there and I’m fine with them.

do you sleep well at night? For the most part.

[forestwater87]

Cutting Myself on all this Edge

This post has no reason to exist, except that I keep bothering my friends with literally dozens of messages making fun of this and I need a place to keep it all.

What is “this”? Oh, just some people having some Fucking Strong Opinions about how Harry Potter is the Pied Piper (they use that comparison multiple times. It gets old fast) leading our children into the End Times with its pro-illuminati Satan-worshiping witchcraft lessons. You know, the usual.

And no, this isn’t a battle of Forest vs. the Crazy Christians; I’m like 94% sure I’m not working through any sort of religious trauma, partly because I never went deep into this kind of mentality but mostly because I’m just delighted by The Cutting Edge, a website for a very specific type of Christian (no, not you, Catholics. You’re specifically not invited to the Cutting Edge club because you worship demons) interested in the New World Order, the evils of public schools, and Satan’s favorite color.

No, really.

Satan’s favorite color is green. They don’t . . . really explain why.

This site still exists and is the best thing I’ve ever seen. Hours of fun for the whole family. I mean, look at their logo:

And look at their illustration that goes along with their particular Harry Potter series:

Are you not entertained?!

I cannot stop reading these amazing essays -- which delve surprisingly deep into Potter lore, considering they say that there is no sufficient reason for a Christian to ever read a single page of these books -- and I can’t keep harassing my friends with thousands of notifications, so here we are.

Starting small, let’s read the book review for Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s/Philosopher’s Stone. Or, as they prefer to call it:

This book chronicles Harry's first year at the Hogwart's School of Wizardry and Witchcraft.  Prepare to be shocked for the bold, blatant, and bodacious raw Satanism that underlines this story! Since "proper"Drug Use is essential in opening the centres of vision and achieving higher consciousness, we should not be surprised that First-Year students learn Drug Use, Drug creation, in a way that makes Drug use seem glorious! You will be shocked to see '666 ' in the story line, and symbols of Antichrist receiving a "fatal wound"!

That’s the entire subtitle. That’s just how they roll on

THE CUTTING EDGE

Part 1: The . . . Plot? I Guess?

This story introduces us to Harry Potter, an orphaned boy sent to live with his "horrible" Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and their fat, obnoxious son, Dudley. 

I feel very comfortable with the fact that Cutting Edge has chosen to put scare quotes around the word “horrible,” like that’s up for debate. Combined with the very normal and sane opinions expressed elsewhere on the site, this really bodes well for their ideas about parenting and childcare in general.

all through this book, any non-witch folk -- like Vernon and Petunia -- are depicting in disgusting language.  

Typo is theirs, as is the apparent offense they take to the fictional depiction of people who are very much not real. While there hasn’t been any exciting formatting going on yet in this essay, I will replicate it as much as possible, and any changes made will be clearly indicated through square brackets and ellipses.

Non-witch people are known as Muggles , and they are depicting as being "dumber than a box of rocks", of being physically obscene, and of living the most boring, unimaginative lives possible.

I was going to argue that this isn’t true, but I suppose we don’t really meet any cool Muggles in the first book. I guess I have to give them this, but I don’t feel good about it.

Witches, on the other hand, are depicted as being very smart, very "with it", of being physically normal, and of living wonderfully exciting lives

It bears repeating:

a flashback scene to the time 10 years earlier when Harry's Mom and Dad were psychically murdered by evil Lord Voldemort

Okay. Now I’m no Potterologist, and so I’m hoping any true believers will correct me if I misinterpret the holy texts,* but I don’t think Harry’s parents were psychically murdered by anyone. I’m pretty sure they were quite literally, physically made dead. Just because it’s a beam of magic doesn’t mean it’s not physical anymore, does it? Voldy didn’t Professor-X Harry’s parents and they died of three D10 psychic damage or anything; he just fucking killed them with a wizard gun. Am I wrong here?

*By which I obviously mean Harry Potter. It teaches children how to become Satanists; we’re clearly dealing with a book of immense spiritual relevance.

Skipping a little bit of plot summary, which is a combination of, well, summary of the plot, although Cutting Edge is determined to get Hogwarts’ name wrong, and a little bit of baffling End-Times(?) nonsense thrown in for funsies --

Of course, a Christian would be immediately alerted to this turn of events [in which Harry defeats Voldemort and is scarred] because soon a supernaturally powerful global leader will demand everyone on earth take some sort of a mark in exactly this place on the body.

What? 

-- and there’s some weird formatting things going on that I think are supposed to imply something sinister but really just come off as goofy:

They have Harry on a boat headed for nowhere and they had every intention of keeping Harry from ever attending Hogwarts School.  However, Harry receives supernatural assistance.

(It’s not letting me do colors on desktop, which is stupid, but that “supernatural” is supposed to be both bold and red)

There’s a long description about the difference between the Real and Fantasy worlds, which apparently Satanists try to live in both of (and so does Harry, making him also a Satanist. This is actually one of the less-stupid arguments Cutting Edge has for Harry’s Satanism, so just go with it) that’s honestly more boring than funny so I’m skipping it. Then we get to a much more fun section: why Rowling’s descriptions of Muggles are . . . teaching children to hate Jesus?

Part 2: Rowling Hates Muggles

Rowling consistently depicts people who do not practice Witchcraft in most obnoxious terms.  They are depicted as being really, really dumb, boring, and living a life not worth living .  We share these examples, below, with you so you can appreciate the truth of this statement.  Uncle Vernon was also the only Muggle quoted in the book as being really opposed to Witchcraft; therefore, when readers see how stupid, ugly, and boring Vernon is, they get the idea that all people who are opposed to Witchcraft must be as stupid, ugly, and boring as Vernon is.

... Are all people opposed to Witchcraft cowardly bullies?

I mean, you are the one going after a children’s book for daring to entertain children, so if the shoe fits . . .

"Harry was glad school was over, but there was no escaping Dudley's gang ... Piers, Dennis, Malcolm, and Gordon were all big and stupid, but as Dudley was the biggest and stupidest of the lot, he was the leader." [p. 31] How do you know your own child does not think of you in these terms?  After all, you are a non-magical Muggle.

I actually can’t complain, because this is just accurate. I 100% hate my parents and think they’re stupid because they’re not literally witches/wizards. Our relationship has never fully recovered.

"Uncle Vernon made another funny noise, like a mouse being trodden on." [p. 47] Remember Adolf Hitler, the most famous Black Magick wizard in modern history? He depicted Jews as Rats in his Propaganda Machinery, convincing the Germans they should extermination the "vermin".

GODWIN’S LAW HAS LANDED! 

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND EVERYTHING OUTSIDE OR IN-BETWEEN, WE HAVE OFFICIALLY COMPARED HARRY POTTER TO HITLER!

We find it highly interesting that, later in the book, when the Evil Lord Voldemort is supposedly killing the unicorn in the Forbidden Forest, the color of the blood of the unicorn is silver! 

Okay, but like . . . why? I mean, it immediately follows a description of the Bloody Baron, who is depicted with silvery blood because he’s, like, a ghost, but I’m not sure what that has to do with unicorns or with Satan. Are unicorns associated with Satan? Is silver associated with Satan?

Is everything Satan? Am I Satan?

There’s a lot of rage at a gentleman named Chuck Colson throughout this section, who apparently made the grave error of telling parents it was okay for their children to read Harry Potter because it doesn’t involve contact with the supernatural. And I’ll admit, that seems like a pretty bad defense of the books, because if you define “supernatural” as ghosts, poltergeists, or whatever the hell Voldemort is, then there is absolutely a metric buttload of supernatural stuff in here.

Arguably, a better defense of why it’s okay for children to read these children’s books is that they are books made for children, but YMMV on that one. Probably depends on whether or not you think children are sitting in the giant metaphorical (or literal? Not sure Cutting Edge gets metaphors) lap of the Antichrist every time they pick up the books.

(A visual reminder.)

Part 3: Basically Part 2, But This Time There Are Colors

The next section is on colors, which are very important to Cutting Edge. As linked back in the very beginning of this post, there is an entire essay devoted to the demonic colors used in the Harry Potter books, but we get just a taste of it here:

Rowling makes use of vivid colors in her story line.  Some of these colors are consistent with the colors preferred by Satan and his followers in the Occult.  Rowling's use of such vivid colors also enables her to paint the Fantasy Reality of Witchcraft as THE most exciting place to live.  Wizard of Oz uses the same technique: when Dorothy is in her real world in Kansas, the color is black and white, but when she steps into her Fantasy Reality, the scene explodes in the most wonderful color.

Interesting interpretation. An alternative view is that Rowling needs to use more descriptors for things within the Wizarding World, because her readers won’t have the same frame of reference to draw from that they do with real-life objects and events in the Muggle World, and one can assume that these lovely descriptions are part of her being a, y’know, good and evocative writer, and the colors are just related to how she pictured the world she was creating.

But I mean, yours is good, too.

Actually, the citations provided by Cutting Edge don’t depict anything especially vivid; it’s not like she’s throwing massive amounts of purple prose at the descriptions of the Satanic green of Harry’s eyes. In fact, the only enhancer used is “emerald” at one point. For the most part, this essayist is just . . . noticing when the word “green” appears in the text and calling it a siren song to entice good Christian children out of the colorless world of reality and goodness and into the technicolor dreamland of magic and mayhem.

Also, please remember that Satan has a favorite color, and it’s green. For all birthdays and Christmases (or wait, whatever the Satanic version of Christmas is! Halloween?), please make sure all gifts are green or green-adjacent.

Even though Harry is nearly as powerful as a Black Magick practitioner, and could easily have decided to go over to that side, he declines to go over to the Dark Arts.  Dumbledore assures Harry that he is not evil as Lord Voldemort. However, as a symbol of the Black Arts he could perform, Rowling makes Harry's eyes green.

This observation -- and I use the term loosely -- implies that every single Slytherin and villain of the Harry Potter series would have green eyes, to demonstrate their capacity for evil. The fact that this is obviously not the case must just be a red herring.

Part . . . 4, I think?: Drugs, Magic, and Magic Drugs

Harry and his friends learn how to makedrugs, and the glory of taking them.

The fact that they don’t actually take any in this book is entirely irrelevant. (”Drugs” should also be red as well as bolded. It’s very serious business.)

The plant, wormwood, contains thujone, an hypnotic drug, banned by the FDA since 1915 [Christian News, "Latest Potter Book Meets Cautionary Response From Christians, July 17, 2000] ; further, wormwood is used to make Absinthe, a hallucinogenic liquor.  Therefore, the drug to which Rowling makes reference is very real, and is so dangerous the FDA has banned it -- to this day, it is banned!

While thujone was illegal at the time of this essay in the United States, it was actually never banned in the UK . . . you know, where these books take place and were written? I don’t think Rowling gives a solitary fuck about our FDA standards. Also, I don’t know if you could just straight-up buy wormwood on whatever the equivalent of Amazon was in 1998 (was it just Amazon?), but you sure can now. Can’t be all that scary.

You can hardly get a better description of drug use, and drug glorification than this!

I wonder why they keep using red to emphasize all these evil things . . . you’d think they’d go with Satan’s favorite color/the sign that Harry is the Antichrist to really jazz up all of the evil.

"The drug message in this book is clear. To reach your goals in life like Harry Potter, you need to know how to make drugs and take drugs in just the right way or else you are a 'dunderhead' and will never succeed." [http://www.fflibraries.org/Book_Reports/HarryPotter ; written by a physician and father who asked to remain anonymous].

The fact that this URL doesn’t lead me to that review is one of the saddest things I’ve faced all month.

The sections on spellcasting are far less interesting, reiterating a pretty simple refrain: all magic is bad, because the books say some magic is good then the books are bad, it’s all teaching children about Satanism. Rinse and repeat.

During final exams, teachers passed out special quills with which to write; these quills had been "bewitched with an Anti-Cheating spell".  The reason none of the teachers felt they could trust the honor of the students to not cheat is obvious enough; in Witchcraft, no Absolute Good and Evil exists.  All objective, eternal standards of conduct and morality have been rejected.  Therefore, teachers knew full well that all the students would cheat on their final exams if they thought they could get away with it.  It is a sad commentary that teachers had to place an Anti-Cheating spell on the quills to prevent exams cheating.  Christian parent, is this the "morality" you want your students to learn?

Now, it might just be my obvious Satanist addiction to witchcraft talking, but doesn’t it seem more likely that there’s an anti-cheating spell because sometimes . . . children cheat? And no amount of Good Wholesome Christian Teaching is going to completely eradicate the desire to cheat on a test, because of course it isn’t. 

It’s not because the school has taught the students that cheating is okay and cool and sexy or whatever -- in fact, if you want evidence that there is an absolute moral standard against cheating, it would be that the teachers are actively taking steps to prevent it! If witchcraft really was all about how there’s no such thing as good and evil . . . well, for one thing they wouldn’t teach Defense against the motherfucking Dark Arts, but they also wouldn’t care if their students cheated enough to provide anti-cheating quills, because they wouldn’t consider cheating a bad thing, because they wouldn’t consider anything a bad thing! 

Also, I’m not sure what listing all of the spells in the book and what they do really says about Satanism, except that . . . spells exist, and are used? Which I feel like you should really expect from the book about magic and wizards; if that’s an alarming surprise, then you’ve made a wrong turn somewhere way earlier down the road.

Part whatever: Seriously, Rowling is just ALL ABOUT Satan

This entire section is basically about how JKR must be a Satanist, because she apparently depicts the world of magic and the occult with perfect accuracy, and how could she do that except through being an active practicing witch herself?

Mirrors are believed to be a portal to another dimension, including Time.  Occultists believe they can go forward or backward in Time with a mirror being one of the Dimensional Portals.  Harry encounters a mirror, "magnificent ... as high as the ceiling, with an ornate gold frame, standing on two clawed feet ... Harry stepped in front of it. He had to clasp his hand to his mouth to stop himself from screaming ... for he had seen, not only himself in the mirror but a whole crowd of people standing right behind him ... 'Mom?', he whispered.  'Dad?' They just looked at him, smiling ... Harry was looking at his family, for the first time in his life." [p. 208-9] 

Intriguing theory, except of course for the fact that the mirror isn’t a portal to jack shit; unless you count the weird trick where he can get the stone (and only the stone) through wishes or whatever the fuck these idiots do, and all it does is show someone what they want. It’s not actually reaching into the past to find Harry’s parents or whatever, just like it’s not actually reaching into a parallel dimension future where Ron is the king of everything. It’s just . . . idk, reading their subconscious and throwing up a neat visual or something. With magic. It’s complex, but it’s definitely not what Cutting Edge says it is.

Not pictured: a portal to another physical, metaphysical or temporal dimension. It’s literally . . . just a mirror, but a mirror that reflects your insides instead of your outsides. It’s clever or something.

Do you realize Rowling has just made the creator of the Sorcerer's Stone 666 years old?  Do you realize what this means?  Since the number, '666', is a symbol of Antichrist and his Mark of the Beast [Revelation 13:18] and since Rowling ties this number to the Elixir of Life, Harry Potter is teaching children that the way to achieve eternal life [Elixir of Life] is to obey the Antichrist and take his Mark of the Beast!

Fucking. Yes. I don’t even have witty commentary for this, I’m just delighted by every word in that section. I’m smiling so much. 

This is a gift and we’re reading it for free!

Wonderful! We have the forbidden practice of drinking blood in this Potter book, forbidden in Scripture [Genesis 9:4-5] but practiced regularly in Satanism. I wonder if Chuck Colson, Focus On The Family, and Christianity Today ever told their Christian followers about this?  Have they even read this book, before they issued their acceptance of Potter?

Don’t you dare try to employ sarcasm. People who believe in the Illuminati and New World Order are not allowed to be sarcastic -- even if the thought of this faceless stranger typing that little clever “Wonderful!” and smirking to themselves about how witty they are is a very, very good mental image.

Also, what the fuck did unicorns do to deserve being associated with the Antichrist? I mean, I get the color green; it’s the color of nature and the outdoors, and that shit fucking sucks. (Fuck you, trees!) But unicorns?

Unicorns have never done anything to anyone, ever. Unicorns couldn’t be Satanists if they tried.

This means evil Lord Voldemort -- whose killing curse upon Harry, his Mom, and his Dad had rebounded against him when Harry did not die -- is near death, and is seeking to drink the Unicorn's blood to stay alive long enough to finally achieve eternal life through drinking the '666' Elixir of Life.

Yes, that is -- sort of -- the plot of this book.

This is the specific New Age doctrine being taught here: people will have to draw their temporary spiritual life from The Christ until the time comes when their individual consciousness will have been raised so much they will achieve their personal godhood, and live forever!

This concept is genuine New Age, is consistent with prophecy, and Rowling depicts it very well!

Christian parents, do you want your child to be taught this New Age doctrine?  Can you see Harry Potter playing the Pied Piper and leading your children straight to the Mark of the Beast?

Pied Piper count: 1 (that’s not a lot so far, but it’s used in like every essay. It’ll come back)

I don’t know how to tackle this, because I’m not sure Cutting Edge really understands that Voldemort is the bad guy in these books. Children aren’t going to read this book and then go, “Cool! I’m gonna go stab a unicorn and drink its essence because my favorite role model You-Know-Who told me to!”

The unicorn blood thing is unilaterally portrayed as a pretty bad move. Voldemort’s goals in general are pretty obviously not great ideas. I know Cutting Edge doesn’t have the benefit of hindsight here, but Voldemort’s quest for immortality and how bad and wrong and fucked-up that is, is kind of one of the major through-lines of the entire story. It could be argued that it’s not Voldy’s desire to live forever that’s wrong so much as his whole, like, genocide thing, which is legit . . . except that all the methods to attain immortality involve killing someone, or stealing something, or otherwise being Not a Good Dude.

Voldemort is Not a Good Dude, and I don’t know how to communicate that any clearer than the books written for third graders already did.

Part 6: I don’t really know, I just wanted a chance to break this endless essay up and this seemed like a good place to do it. So let’s talk about spells some more

Many spells require both the taking of drugs and demonic possession, so it is a matter of gravest importance that Harry is actually going to learn to cast spells.  When Chuck Colson dismisses the casting of spells as innocent and of no real importance, did he know this fact?

I seem to have missed the part where Harry goes off his ass on LSD and gets possessed by B��aal. Was that in the Silmarillion? 

whenever a witch changes the physical characteristics of something, he or she is practicing very high-level witchcraft, has a high level of demonic possession, and has had to carry out human sacrifice themselves or have someone else do it for them.

“It’s fiction” is often a bullshit excuse to justify bad framing, but I feel like it applies here, because maybe in the “real” world spellcasting requires you to trip balls and summon demons, but it’s extremely obvious that it doesn’t work like that in Harry Potter! You can’t just say that’s what the books are teaching when the books aren’t actually teaching anything even close to that! 

(I’m starting to feel like my emphasis italics are having a similar effect to Cutting Edge’s red bolded letters. Fuck if I’m gonna stop using them, though.)

If Harry and his pals were wearing goat heads and putting virgins into a giant blender or something I think you might have an argument here, but when the people reading your essay have eyes and can see that the things you’re describing aren’t anywhere in the books, you’re just lying. And it’s very obvious, and I still love you, Cutting Edge, but you’re being disingenuous and it’s starting to kill my joy-boner to constantly have to point out the ways you’re misunderstanding a children’s book, especially when I think you’re kinda doing it on purpose. So how about you chill just a little bit and we’ll all read some Harry Potter together.

Magical Drafts and Potions , by Arsenius Jigger.  Some of the potions are very real, very deadly.

Wait, did Rowling publish this one, too? How do you know what’s in the book? Does the book list some real potions and how to make them, or is this another thing that’s only available in the Cutting Edge’s copy of the books? 

Students were told they could also "bring an owl OR a cat OR a toad." [p. 67]  These three creatures are important to an occultists. Satanists have always revered the cat because of its reputed "nine lives", which is a symbol of reincarnation. Cats are also symbols of a witch's familiar spirit.

They have revered the frog because his prominent bulging eyes represent the All-seeing nature of Lucifer.  Frogs are also consistently used in many of the potions witches concoct.  They revere owls as a symbol of occult wisdom and omniscience -- again because of their eyes.

So fuck cats, I guess. They’re being pretty unfair to owls and frogs too -- especially insulting their poor eyes. They can’t help it! -- but I’m a crazy cat lady and I’m not feeling this slander.

Actually . . . my cat looks pretty high right now. Maybe she is channeling Satan.

Okay, never mind. Fuck all these animals. They’re all evil. This article is entirely right, and I renounce all of my previous statements.

McGonagall has obviously mastered her Craft because she was the tabby cat seen by Uncle Vernon reading a map, back in chapter one.  Remember that any time a witch or wizard practices transfiguration, they need expert spell-casting, and demonic possession.  I bet no one ever told you that little fact, did they?

No, they didn’t, because it’s not even remotely relevant to the fictional book written for children.

Like, I’m trying very hard to not question anyone’s religious beliefs, so if you believe in the occult and magic and all that then more power to you, and maybe it’s totally valid to think that real-life magic spells requires demonic possession. That doesn’t make it true in the books, though! Stop making shit up!

Potions Class -- taught in one of the dungeons [p. 136]  How disgusting must the atmosphere for this class, and others, taught in a dungeon, which was built to torture people to death?

If only the classroom, teacher, and overall environment for the Potions classes was meant to be as viscerally unpleasant as possible. Then putting them in the dungeons would be a really good idea, to reflect the Slytherins’ backwards beliefs and the misery of their intolerance.

Like, JKR isn’t this subtle. When you name one of your antagonists “Bad Dragon,” you’re not aiming for this subconscious-symbolism bullshit.

Part 7: Did you think this book had a good moral? Fuck you!

The fundamental occult/Communist philosophy

Well, I guess we’re talking about Communism now! Because if there’s anything Harry Potter is interested in above all else, it’s Communism.

My favorite things about these essays is how they will pull in other social ills -- abortion, public schools, communism -- and slap them into their argument regardless of if it makes any semblance of sense.

Anyway, Cutting Edge actually has a legitimate argument here, although they take it about 50 steps too far:

the "Ends Justify The Means" permeates this entire book.  To achieve a goal deemed good, Harry and his friends consistently break rules, steal, and use Witchcraft against others.

It is true that Harry and his friends break the rules, lie, and otherwise do “bad” things in the service of an ultimate good, and that they suffer relatively few consequences for it. This is a legitimate point, and actual people who know things agree.

I’ve been struck speechless by this article before, but this is the first time it’s because I think they might have an actual point.

Hermione was very mildly punished [for her lie to the professors about why they were fighting the troll], but her lie cemented a friendship with Ron and Harry, leading a child to conclude that her lie served an excellent purpose, and could not be considered 'wrong'.

I mean . . . yeah? I don’t think it’s entirely reasonable to assume that children will take that lesson away, but I read it as a child and I certainly didn’t think Hermione was wrong to lie -- nor do I now, which I suppose proves just how powerful the Satanic conditioning was.

Professor Quirrell told Harry, "There is no good or evil, there is only power, and those too weak to seek it ." [p. 291]  This is standard Witchcraft, and standard Illuminist doctrine.  This doctrine is the guiding light to those Illuminists who are driving the world into the Kingdom of Antichrist.  This doctrine is very seductive to those immature children trying to grow up in our current culture; since a child's inherent nature is evil, he will find such philosophy more appealing than the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  Christian parents, beware!

Oh thank God Satan, we’re back to the bullshit. I was getting seriously weirded out by the idea that they had good points buried in here somewhere, but now we’re just faced with the argument that the bad guy says . . . bad things . . . and is defeated because his bad ideas are obviously bad and wrong . . . and this proves that the book is teaching children to believe the bad things?

No one reads these books and wants to be the bad guys, Cutting Edge. Kids aren’t buying Harry Potter wands and robes to pretend that they’re Quirrell, trying to keep people from finding out they have a Dark Lord on the back of their head. (Though now that I’ve mentioned it, that sounds like a very fun game.) 

Depicting bad things in a way that makes it clear -- to children, I must reiterate -- that they’re bad isn’t the same thing as romanticizing or promoting those bad things. This is basic stuff, CE.

Revenge Motive : "Hagrid almost had to drag Harry away from Curses and Countercurses (Bewitch Your Friends and Befuddle Your Enemies with the Latest Revenges:  Hair Loss, Jelly-Legs, Tongue-Tying, and Much, Much More , by Vindictus Viridian." [p. 80] Throughout these books, seeking revenge and attacking your enemies is high on the priority list of Harry, his friends, and other students.  Do you want your children to adopt this most Satanic attitude?  Notice the first name of the author of this revenge book, above, is named "Vindictus, i.e., Vindictive".

Students are taught to depend upon Witchcraft for every part of their lives .  All food is conjured up rather than prepared, all the dishes are conjured clean, and even the hospital depends upon Witchcraft to get students well [p. 156].  Neville Longbottom, one of the more clumsy students, received a crystal ball from his grandmother called a Remembrall .  The ball glows scarlet if you have forgotten something you should have done. [p. 145]

That’s . . . fuck, that’s actually kind of another good point. Stop kinda making sense, goddamn it!

A lot of the criticism is just that the things wizards do are cool, which will make kids want to become witches/wizards in order to do those cool things, too. And to be fair, the stuff Harry et. al. does are cool, and I did want to be a witch when I grew up. Fortunately, I was in third grade, and so my options for witchcraft were relatively limited; by the time I was old enough to pursue the endeavor properly, I was also old enough to know that it was actually nothing like Harry Potter. If magic actually was anything like those books make it seem, we’d have a lot more witches running around, zapping shit.

Possible reference to homosexuality .  When I was first researching Harry Potter, I examined several pro-Potter websites. The author of one of the articles said that one of the probable developments she felt would occur in the latter books was the advent of homosexuality in the story theme. She said such activity was only hinted at in the first books.  

Oh dear god, Cutting Edge found the shippers. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

(I wonder if this means they’ve also read the Draco Trilogy.)

I do have to take issue with one last point in this bit about morals, where they talk about how scarring it might be to a child to see Voldemort possessing the back of Quirrell’s head:

Rowling could not have created a better description of demonic possession by a dark and powerful demon!  Christian parent, is this the type of thing you want your child to bring into their minds?

Thing is, I’ve been in a lot of Christian circles for most of my life, and this sounds exactly like the kind of dark, traumatizing thing many religious parents would be happy to put into their children’s minds.

Part Almost Done: Definitely Intentional Satanic Symbols, Really

Hey, did you know the number 11 was occultist? I didn’t, and when I Googled it, 4 of the front-page results were Christian or conspiracy groups making this claim, 2 were unclear, and 3 actually seemed to indicate some level of belief in the power of the number 11. Though I might’ve stacked the deck with the word “occult”; when I changed my search term to “magic,” I found almost exclusively positive articles about the symbolic power of the number 11, so . . . Cutting Edge isn’t necessarily wrong. 

But boy, did you know how many times the number 11 shows up in Sorcerer's Stone? Not very much, but if we stretch our credibility a little bit, we might see something spooky!

Harry was eleven (11) when he was admitted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  The number eleven is considered sacred to the occultist, as it is the first primary number.  Occultists will also add up numbers to get an occult number that is sacred; thus, I was highly interested when the bank vault maintained for Harry by his Mom and Dad before their death was numbered '713' [p. 73].  When you add '7 + 1 + 3 = 11'.  Then, we learn that, in the money of the Fantasy Reality, "twenty-nine Knuts to a Sickle".  When you add 2 + 9 = 11.

When Harry found the wand that was meant for him, it turned out to be 11 inches long! [p. 84]

The Hogwarts Express Train left at 11 o'clock from Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. [p. 91]

Oh man, that’s some convincing evidence. Evidence of what, I have no idea, but it uses math and I’m sure it’s very alarming!

" Sorcerer's Stone " is also called the "Philosopher's Stone", and is very, very Satanic!  Rosicrucianism teaches that an Initiate will pass through five stages to become the highest Adept possible, to be most proficient in exercising the power of Satanism.  They call this process the "Five Stages In The Transmutation of the Soul".  The final stage is depicted by the Phoenix Bird; the Adept is then said to have achieved the "Sorcerer's Stone".  Thus, the fact that the term, "Sorcerer's Stone" is in the title of this book suggests that the ultimate goal of all students at Hogwarts is to achieve the Sorcerer's Stone.

Wow, that sure is an interesting interpretation of the rock that shows up in the book for like 6 pages and then is immediately destroyed! Alternate theory, if you’re open to it: It’s a rock, named the Philosopher’s Stone because the Philosopher’s Stone is historically the name of a rock, called the philosopher's stone, and it's literally just a rock and doesn't mean anything Satanist because it's a fucking ROCK.

(Pictured: A rock)

There’s a really odd part right after the long discussion about how alchemy and unicorns and whatnot are Satanic Illuminati symbols, where CE just takes a moment to explain the game of Quidditch. No commentary beyond a sassy little “[Even the Quidditch balls are 'enchanted'].” Just . . . sort of letting you know how the game is played.

To be fair, this is quite a valuable service, since I don’t think anyone actually understands how Quidditch works, but I’m not sure what it’s doing sandwiched between two declarations of Harry Potter’s obvious evil.

PART THE LAST THANK GOD: WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A SUBTITLE IT’S ALMOST OVER

The first few paragraphs are standard boilerplate conclusion stuff, reiterating the rest of the story, continued misunderstanding that bad things are done by the bad guys, no there really are drugs and Illuminati propaganda in here I promise, yadda yadda. Nothing noteworthy except for the fact that I found this sentence absolutely hilarious:

But, most horribly, we see depictions of Satanism that are truly End of the Age.  We see the symbol of Antichrist, the Unicorn.

And so I leave you with this one final thought, because it’s all I can fit into the saggy mush that was once my brain:

From Genesis through Revelation, God demands His people separate themselves from the evil around them! SEPARATE!  SEPARATE!  SEPARATE!

S E P A R A T E 

[metalchick19-blog]

The Bowers Gang: Ship #9 - Victor Criss

Request: Alrighty I’ll have you ship me with whoever you think personally~ my hair is blonde and I’m short asl, but I also have a tattoo of a black rose on the side of my wrist. A lot of my friends tell me that I can always make them laugh with what I say or do and a lot of them will often come to me for advice or if they need to rant about something, which honestly just makes me feel even better as a person. I’m someone who will always stand by you if you’ve never done me dirty and need help. I do have a goofy side that only my closest friends see everyday, which is honestly sometimes just me as person. I think of myself as a fairly outgoing person and I’m never one to just stand in the corner of a party. Some things I need to work on are opening up to other people when talking about feelings and problems I have instead of just bottling them up. If there’s someone that I don’t like, I make it very clear and can be totally heartless towards them. I can also stress myself out easily and get overwhelmed by everything that’s going on. I’ve been through some shit, so I have a better understanding of other people’s hardships than most people. Being friends with me means that you always have someone to go to for laughs, but also someone who won’t sugar coat anything for you. Being in a relationship with me means you’ll actually have someone devoted to you and fun times, but you also gotta break down any walls built up. To put it into simpler terms, I’m a pretty chill person who goes with the flow but can get serious when it comes to something that’s important to me and I need to do. A couple of facts about me is that I want to be an elementary school teacher (I love kids so much, more than people my age tbh), I smoke the devils lettuce damn near hourly on a daily (fuck getting drunk, getting high is better), I love going to the beach, driving around downtown with friends, or just taking time to myself in my room to listen to music!

Always traces your rose tattoo absentmindedly when you cuddle/sit next to each other

Finds your transparency hot as hell, because he sees it as an indication of how honest you are 

So appreciates the shit out of it, even when you’re being a total icy bitch to someone he doesn’t even know (and learns to assume you have your reasons when he doesn’t understand why)

The guys gave you a designated seat in the Trans-Am because you drive around with them after school so often (like the trooper you are) 

You’re on the far left, behind Belch, with Victor in the middle between you and Patrick (very much on purpose)

Victor sometimes comes over to people’s houses to keep you company while you babysit (the ol’ “sneak in the boyfriend routine”)...

... and actually helps with the sitting of the baby, rather than expecting to fuck and/or sit and watch movies like some other teen delinquents we know 

But seriously - Victor is straight-up the daddy to your mommy whenever you guys watch kids together, and it’s truly one of the loveliest things ever

Tends to start off awkward at first (he’s very friendly with kids, but has a hard time talking to them in ways they understand since he can’t “dumb down” his language), but always ends up being their literal favorite person by the time the night is over (apart from you, of course)

Entirely because Criss makes funny faces like a pro, keeps the small ones entertained while you warm up dinner, and ties shoes singing the bunny ears song and everything 

I.e. He’s “the fun guy”

Also demonstrates an inside voice like nobody’s business, and slides a coaster under every drink (house rules = respected) 

Also steps up to do some of the disciplinary things when you can’t get a specific smol one to listen to you 

... and is low-key a toddler whisperer about it too

When he has to be the disciplinarian, Victor always just kneels down to the tiny kid’s eye-level (regardless of whether they’re screaming, crying, or otherwise), and casually starts talking to them as if they understand every adult word that’s coming out of his mouth

Which most of them couldn’t possibly do, because toddlers 

... But, from the moment they make eye contact with him, the majority of kids go completely serene and just stare at Victor like they do understand what he’s saying, and clean up their act right after he “discusses it” with them

The guy seriously somehow stops all tears/whining/unacceptable behavior just by being like “hey, that’s not cool dude, and here’s why”

It’s legitimately random to the point of being annoying, because there’s no reason getting children in line should be that easy for him (considering it’s insanely difficult for some people that actually have kids)

You insist that the lil’ buns are just reflecting Victor’s calm nature, but his smug smile will always indicate he low-key thinks he’s better at child-care than you

... Which you know isn’t true, but we’ll let him think what he wants to think

He finds it really endearing how well you get along with kids though, and thinks it’s adorable that you’re able to connect with them so easily

You’re the first person he’s ever been with who’s made him think, “She’ll be a really great Mom someday,” and that’s beautiful 

You make Victor smile in the moments when he truly gets down on himself

This is a pretty big deal, because he tends to feel the fuck out of things regardless of the emotion

It’s impossible for the majority of people to sway Victor’s mood at all when he’s upset, because it always settles over him so heavily...

... but you somehow do the trick.

Your goofy nature usually bounces off of him at first (he stays in his head, and doesn’t give much response to most of your humor for a while), but you always eventually say something that strikes a cord with him, and elicits a small smirk

... which eventually leads to a smile, which leads to a laugh, which ultimately leads to you talking out his issues with him and lifting his spirits

You’re seriously one of Criss’ main emotional outlets, and I wish I could shake your hand, cause’ that’s an honor 

This isn’t a one-way street, though - Victor does the same for you

He noticed early on (before you were even together) that you only tended to talk about positive things/ “surface level” information even after you had been hanging out with the guys for a long time

And to him (i.e. the group psychologist), that made it clear you were trying to keep your distance by not sharing your problems or talking about things that were really important to you

So he made a point of being there for you x1,000,000 when you officially got together 

Example: He knows you won’t bring up any of your issues unprompted, so Victor asks how your day is going at every given opportunity

Aka: he provides a chance for you to tell him something’s bugging you

He also jumps on it whenever you show any visible signs of being sad, and straight-up asks you to tell him what you’re feeling because real men aren’t afraid to talk about that jazz 

Even though it took time for you to get used to it (i.e. sharing your emotions), it’s now something that’s become a reflex for you

You’ve cried on Victor’s shoulder, shared your previous traumas, let him see you at the peak of rage, and he’s done the same with you; there’s nothing left to hide 

The two of you have seriously reached a point where you could tell one another anything on the spot

You’re each other’s permanent comfort and support - simple as that.

When one of you is feeling especially down though, or when you both just feel you’ve earned a break from life (i.e. after exams, or during spring/winter break), you and Victor have “intensive care” smoke sessions at his house

...Tastefully named “intensive care” smoke sessions by the both of you

This basically means hot-boxing Victor’s room all day long (fucking glorious), watching movies in his bed, and playing whatever tapes you want on full blast at random intervals throughout the day

The two of you cycle between just sitting and listening to the music (typically at the peak of your high, when you’re both brain-dead), to talking about incredibly philosophical/incredibly stupid things (”who closes the bus door after the bus driver gets off?”), to raiding Victor’s fridge for munchies until you eventually empty it and have to walk into town for more 

Side-note: Victor is smooth as fuck when it comes to being high and acting normal in public

Whenever you guys order food anywhere after you’ve already smoked, he’s always the one who speaks because he never stutters, breaks eye contact, or forgets what he’s saying in the middle

You’ve even seen him get into full, logically sound conversations with people just minutes after taking a bong rip in the Trans-Am (group smoke sessions are a thing too)

The guy legit held it together even when his parents came home in the middle of your smoke session once, and introduced you normally even though you were having a level 10 panic attack, and were not subtle about it (those darting high person eyes were all over the place) 

In short, he can basically just revert back to being sober again whenever he wants to, and it’s a major turn-on for stoners everywhere. 

*Pointless side-note ended*

You try to get Victor to socialize at the 2-3 house parties Henry forces you all to each month, but he won’t do it

Just stands next to you, quietly sipping his beer and letting his attention drift around the room

Fields small-talk when he has to (he’s not shy or unapproachable - just introverted), but usually just prefers to be the handsome guy standing next to you while you own the spotlight

You’ll forever be the majestic, sociable party dom with a dry-humored wallflower for a boyfriend - enjoy

... he looks at you a lot while you talk to people though, and it’s so obvious he’s thinking about how beautiful you are, because his eyes make it clear he’s focusing on your face rather than your words 

So many girls in Derry High hate you because of adorable crap like this - there’s a lot of salt over Victor Criss being so thoroughly taken by someone

Patrick often tries to break you away from Victor at parties, because, like you, he talks easily and likes to try to get into shit (and because he thinks you’re hot/would love to take a girl away from Victor using only the power of his penis)

He’ll randomly show up next you when you’re getting another drink, going to the bathroom... or, really, doing anything other than talking to Victor

...At which point he propositions the shit out of you, and tries to convince you to come upstairs

This has never worked out well for him.

You did play a legitimately sick game of beer-pong together once after you got him to stop coming onto you (for a second), but that was just because you were already buzzed, and felt unusually tolerant towards him

So even though you usually reject him wholeheartedly (and somewhat loudly/angrily), you two will always be remembered as the life of post-homecoming blowout, 1987 (where you made every single shot, and didn’t have to take even one drink between the two of you)

... Still doesn’t change the fact that he’s trying to do you though, and that you’re too loyal to Victor to be feeling it 

Even though he won’t participate in other ways when it comes to parties, Victor always dances with you, because he has a specific thing for watching you move to house music

You asked him about it once, and he just said he thinks it’s beautiful because it “accentuates your purity”

If you don’t get what he means, you’re in good company - the guy has an artsy soul.

Interesting side-note: Like Patrick, Henry has low-key wanted to sleep with you from the moment he first saw you, but keeps it heavily under wraps in the interest of not screwing up you and Victor’s relationship 

He doesn’t talk to you much, and has a hard time maintaining eye contact even when he does (because guilt and attraction)

Essentially decided that abstinence is key where you’re concerned, and tries not to form much of a connection with you so it’s easier to control himself

Avoids being left alone with you at all costs, and doesn’t acknowledge you much in general

... He eyes you a lot when he gets drunk though (most often, at the parties you go to)

No words, but enough wasted leering to make it clear where his head is at

 It’s never escalated into anything, but it’s something you notice.

... And you’ve never told Victor in the interest of preserving their friendship. 

* Interesting side-note ended *

Victor tried to take you on a private date to the quarry once (because you’d always told him about how badly you wished there was a beach in Derry), but the guys found out and showed up unexpectedly as soon as the two of you hit the water

... And it was actually your first date.

Meaning Criss was not at all entertained by that bandwagony bullshit.

They literally just came to see you in a bathing suit (hence why they came out of hiding only after you’d gotten in the water), and you’re such a bad bitch that you called them out on it rather than let it be 

... But that just earned a predictably creepy affirmation from Patrick (”What, you thought we were gonna’ let Criss keep a body like that all to himself?” *Disgusting Hockstetter cackle as Victor death-stares him into oblivion*), and didn’t amount to anything more than obnoxious laughter on Henry and Belch’s part 

Long story short, the guys all stampeded into the water with you, and swimming for 2 became swimming for 5

So, yeah. First date was a group date, and no one was thrilled.

Because of what you’ve been through in life, you understand some of the fucked up situations Victor has experienced better than most other people; as a result of that, you have a unique understanding of his hot/cold feelings about the gang

I.e. You get why it isn’t just black and white for him - other people may see the guys as straight-up evil, but it’s different for Victor, and you get that

Essentially you understand that he’s a ride or die (because genuine loyalty), but that he’s also ready to jump ship in the interest of not becoming something he isn’t; he’s never been able to express that to anyone else 

Because you get why Victor feels moved to leave the gang sometimes (and partly because of your own experiences with them), you support him in that direction whenever he mentions it

Being that you don’t sugarcoat things, you confirm for him that the guys aren’t people that would be good for his adult life - he’s always thought that in his head, but has never had another person around who knew the guys personally to corroborate the opinion

Meaning, now that the opinion has been corroborated, it’s kind of huge for him

You may ultimately be the thing that gives Victor the strength he needed to leave the guys, because you help cement his view that it would be the right thing to do

Plus, his relationship with you would fulfill him to an extent where he wouldn’t feel as attached to the gang as before, and he would see himself as being much happier in a future with you than in a future with them

In short, you might change the course of Victor Criss’s entire life - have fun being the best thing that’s ever happened to him

[caws5749]

This took SO LONG thanks @natthisback

1: Name Madison

2: Age 21

3: 3 fears spiders, not becoming a doctor, becoming like my parents

4: 3 things i love marvel movies, my blanket (whoops), and scrunchies

5: 4 turn ons compliment me, be chivalrous, (idk if this means sex turn on too or not but) moaning my n- ANYWHO uh and the last one definitely like showing you want me

6: 4 turn offs someone who only talks about themselves, being like wishy washy, being arrogant/cocky, complaining about the same things

7: my best friend that would be shea @cloversofshea

8: sexual orientation lesbian

9: my best first date okay SO this like isn’t a first date but it was my first like nicer dinner date so I’m gonna count it. It was just this past weekend actually and i just i loved it so much it was amazing

10: how tall am i 5’2

11: what do i miss honestly, feeling like i was good at things

12: what time were i born 11:14am

13: favorite color purple, although it’s slowly been turning to like a baby light pink

14: do i have a crush yes yes i do and i likes her a lot

15: favorite quote “Truth is a matter of circumstance. It’s not all things to all people all the time. And neither am I.”

16: favorite place Chicago or New York City

17: favorite food SALMON

18: do i use sarcasm yes, but i feel like i don’t use it as much as i used to

19: what am i listening to right now Christmas pop playlist on Spotify

20: first thing i notice in new person whether they only talk about themselves

21: shoe size 8 or 8.5

22: eye color blue

23: hair color right now, it’s a brown that goes to blond at my ends

24: favorite style of clothing so if this means like fav style to wear daily, definitely athleisure. If it means in general, i love love love preppy looks? But not super preppy.

25: ever done a prank call? Absolutely, many times

27: meaning behind my url i explain this in my about me page (linked in bio!)

28: favorite movie captain America winter soldier

29: favorite song i don’t really have favorite songs but rn it’s prob December night by Michael buble

30: favorite band i don’t really have fav bands

31: how i feel right now it’s really hot in here, so warm. I feel okay

32: someone i love i love lots of people but ill stick with @cloversofshea

33: my current relationship status I’ve answered this so many times literally just look at the ask game tag

34: my relationship with my parents um yikes

35: favorite holiday Halloween

36: tattoos and piercing i have i have 6 tattoos! “Breathe” on my right inner ankle, a heart on left shoulder, heart w equal sign in it behind right ear, basically an ecg on my left inner ankle, Aquarius symbol on right bicep, and caws 5749 on my left side. And my ears are pierced.

37: tattoos and piercing i want definitely the black widow symbol in the same place Scarlett got her og6 tattoo, an amino acid tattoo that spells out “wah” , definitely more little tattoos! And maybe more ear piercings idk

38: the reason i joined tumblr so, I’ve had a tumblr for many many years. I originally joined bc my best friends at the time had them, and i was like sure! Ive deleted that personal blog since, and started my new personal blog a few years ago. I also have a studyblr that i started i think back in high school, and i just started this blog back in the end of July!

39: do i and my last ex hate each other no, I’d say far from it bc i likes her a lot

40: do i ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts yes from her and i fucking love it, it used to be a bigger thing almost every day and i loved it

41: have i ever kissed the last person i texted lmao no and for those who were wondering it is @cloversofshea

42: when did i last hold hands LMAO WITH @michelinaamour WHEN I WAS STUMBLING HOME DRUNK IN HIGH HEELS

43: how long does it take me to get ready in the morning it depends, anywhere from ten minutes to an hour and a half

44: have you shaved your legs in the past three days no! I am super lucky and have really light colored hairs on my legs and so i dont’ have to shave very often. Also i just want to say that i personally love shaving my legs and it is my choice to do so.. girls, you do not need to shave!!

45: where am i right now so i started answering this in the research lab, but i am currently sitting at one of the dining places on campus finishing it

46: if i were drunk and can’t stand, who’s taking care of me LMAO DEFINITELY @michelinaamour because she’s done it ALREADY FOR ME MULTIPLE TIMES

47: do i like my music loud or at a reasonable level it depends, in car trips, definitely blast it. But just driving around or listening in doors, definitely reasonable level

48: do i live with my mom and dad nope i live with @michelinaamour

49: am i excited for anything yes, I’m excited for lots of things. I get excited easily

50: do i have someone of the opposite sex i can tell everything to no. I used to

51: how often do i wear a fake smile this is a really interesting question. I don’t consider smiles i give to random people like ordering food or something to be fake, so i would say fake smiles are when I’m not okay and trying to hide it. Which happens less often now bc I’m just much happier of a person

52: when was the last time i hugged someone I think it was @michelinaamour two days ago but i think i hugged @cloversofshea that day too so

53: what if the last person i kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me I’d be heartbroken tbh

54: is there anyone i trust even though i should not yes, certain adults in my life

55: what is something i disliked about today my hair won’t do what i want it to :(

56: if i could meet anyone on this earth who would it be probably Chris Evans or Scarlett Johansson

57: what do i think about the most tumblr and everything with that, or probably her or school stuff definitely

58: what’s my strangest talent i don’t think i have any lol

59: do i have any strange phobias yes definitely haha, I’m terrified of stepping on worms

60: do i prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it i think a few years ago i would have said behind, but honestly I think I’d love to be in front of the camera now

61: what was the last lie i told i actually don’t know. Maybe this past weekend as to like the fact that i was going out on a date instead of just going out with a friend

62: do i prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online I’d say talking on the phone bc then they cant’ see me lmao

63: do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yes and yes

64: do i believe in magic? Yes, or at least, that’s what i tell myself

65: do i believe in luck yes

66: what’s the weather like right now snowy!

67: what was the last book I’ve ever read The Butchering Art, it’s about the history of surgery

68: do i like the smell of gasoline omg yes yes yes yes yes yes

69: do i have any nicknames yes, madz, madi, girl who lives by the kitchen, queen (a new one) and clown (also a new one) thanks @natthisback

70: what was the worst injury I’ve ever had back in freshman year of college, i did something stupid and my foot swelled up like hell and hurt so bad. There were no fractures detected but the swelling stayed for a really long time, as well as the bruising and pain, and it never returned to normal

71: do i spent my money or save it SPEND IT BABY

72: can i touch my nose w my tongue no I’m not that talented

73: is there anything pink in 10 ft from me. Hmm part of my backpack? And my rings are pinkish bc they are rose gold. Oh and my scrunchie is pink, as well as my iPad

74: favorite animal cat

75: what was i doing last night at 12am i was still at work In the emergency room!

76: what do i think satan’s last name is uh honestly Jim lmao (it’s demons Jim! @cloversofshea )

77: what’s a song that always makes me happy when i hear it so good by dove Cameron

78: how can you win my heart suggest we watch a marvel movie, and I’m prob straight up in love. There are other things too but they’re pretty general, like compliment me, show you want me ya know

79: what would i want to be written on my tombstone haha, as a joke, “so realy its very thing. Just to keep everyone guessing.” But idk something funny

80: what is my favorite word i have no idea, maybe like sophisticated or something like that or aesthetic , champagne is a good one too

81: my top 5 blogs on tumblr ooh! Okay so @markiplier @lesbian-deadpool @americasass-romanoff @lesbianmariahilll @shining-rey-of-sunshine but i love so so so so so many more, and i have a lot of top blogs

82: if the whole world were listening to me right now what would i say fuck trump also I’m gay as hell and I’m growing tired of hiding it from people

83: do i have any relatives in jail not that i know of

84: i accidentally eat some radioactive vegatables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super power of my choice! What is that power lmao this question is great. Prob same powers as Wanda

85: what would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on any weird fetis- JUST KIDDING. Do you still think about them?

86: what is my current desktop picture so on my laptop, it’s fall flowers. But since that’s broken af, i use my iPad and that background is one of the apple ones. It’s just a beach idk why but I’ve never changed it

87: had sex WHY IS THIS IN EVERY SINGLE ASK GAME WTF

88: bought condoms nope i am gay as hell bye

89: gotten pregnant nope i am gay as hell bye

90: failed a class nope, definitely come close though

91: kissed a boy yes

92: kissed a girl yes

93: have i ever kissed somebody in th rain honestly, probably at some point, but I’ve never had one of those romantic kisses in the rain. I really really want to though and i think about it a lot

94: had job yeah, I’ve had three true jobs

95: left the house without my wallet probably

96: bullied someone on the internet no bc I’m not a fucking douche

97: had sex in public not yet

98: played on a sports team yeah, played softball and basketball in middle school

99: smoked weed yeah, but i didn’t get high

100: did drugs nope

101: smoked cigarettes nope, i think i asked drunk once if i could smoke, but my friend was like “really?” And i was like uhhhhhh just kidding haha

102: drank alcohol lmao i drink fucking all the time i mean. I literally have drunk writing nights , I’m drinking tonight too

103: am i a vegetarian/vegan i was a vegetarian for a while, and then an aspiring vegan, and then vegetarian, and then pescatarian now!

104: been overweight no

105: been underweight yes

106: been to a wedding yeah, but like not for a long time. I was like 4 and the flower girl. Oh WAIT. Does playing a wedding count? I played cello at a wedding so i was there???

107: been on the computer for 5 hours straight hell yeah, how would i function not doing this with class and relaxing

108: watched tv for 5 hours straight lmao definitely

109: been outside my home country yeah

110: gotten my heart broken yeah

111: been to a professional sports game yeah. I don’t really do sports though , so when i go it’s usually in suites and I’m just there for the food

112: broken a bone nope!

113: cut myself this is...a. Really deep question but bc i want to be able to speak about mental health on here, the answer is yes.

114: been to prom yes! I went to my junior and senior proms!

115: been in airplane too many times

116: fly by helicopter no, I’m not sure if i want to do this or not

117: what concerts have i been to I’ve been to lots. So first off, I’ve been to hundreds of classical concerts (and performed in them). As for pop, Bruno mars twice, maroon five like three times. Selena Gomez. Josh groban. American authors. Definitely others that i don’t remember

118: had a crush on someone of the same sex yes I’m fucking gay

119: learned another language so if this means fluent, no. I took a decent amount of French and am learning Russian right now!

120: wore make up absolutely. When i choose to wear makeup, its because i fuckign love makeup haha. Most days I’m lazy though and like to let my skin breathe and be natural

121: lost my virginity before I was 18 no

122: had oral sex yeah

123: dyed my hair many times

124: voted in a presidential election okay i think so but honestly can’t remember. But I’m pretty sure i did.

125: rode in an ambulance no and i never want to.

126: had a surgery no and i never want to haha. Well i cant say that. Depending on how my life plays out, I might freeze my eggs or something.

127: met someone famous yes, several I think, but probably Henry winkler was the one I remember most.

128: stalked someone on a social network yeah

129: peed outside nope don’t think so and definitely don’t want to

130: been fishing yes I have been ice fishing and regular fishing

131: helped w charity i have!

132: been rejected by a crush I’ve been not liked back but i don’t think I’ve ever made like a move on a crush and been rejected

133: broken a mirror ooh i don’t think i have actually

134: what do i want for birthday nothing bc i dont’ like my bday

[cnc-hoebayb]

Deadass a dream i had with Richard hehejej

I literally spat out half of this so sloppily bc i wanted to capture the dream essence right after it happened, but like you get the idea.

And obvio i beefed it up a lil for story effect so that’s why it’s so detailed and cheesy in some parts (especially the end sorry skdk)

.

A pair of suited up body guards shut the doors and stand at attention behind you as everyone enters the giant store. The emptiness of a place this big feels a little uneasy but at the same time makes you feel so lavish and important.

The boys are already pairing up beside you, grabbing each other and friends before diving into which section of clothes they wanna start with. You smile and watch them almost run into the aisles, way too excited to be shopping than should be normal. The accessory display in the corner catches your eye and you wander over alone.

Sure, it was fine to shop and spend some alone time every so often, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t bad to feel a lil lonely either. The gold earrings in the glass container distract your thoughts and you gravitate in farther. A reflection bounced off the table and you see the faint outline of a figure behind you. Your mind eases suddenly and your heart swells. A pair of hands snake around your waist from behind and a stubbly chin presses into your neck.

“I missed you,” he whispers before laying a soft kiss on your shoulder. “Richard, we literally saw each other 2 seconds ago walking in here.” You play and he squeezes you into him tighter. “Yea but i missed you like this.”

PDA was never quite your scene, but having to maintain a relationship with him entirely in secret, it felt almost impossible. To have his arms around you like this, it gradually felt like a necessity. You lean into it, eating up every last bit and all the sensations of his love before it had to end.

“Whatcha lookin at,” he releases you and it feels empty, but his hand locks discreetly in yours at his side. “Just some jewelry, might have to cop some lavish shit while we here,” you wink and then point to a thick chain on another display. “This one actually reminded me of you, maybe I’ll get it for myself to pretend it’s yours.”

His hand guides you to follow and walk with him to a different section of the store. “You know i can just give you one of mine instead,” he says mindlessly while browsing the racks on his right. The thought gives you a sense of happiness but it’s soon overpowered by reality. “Babe you know we can’t do that,” you say defeated.

Richard stops everything to look back at you, eyes heavy and sad in an instant. “Soon,” is all he says, “te prometo.” You wanna hug him, fall into his body and let him tell you it’ll all be okay.

But a body zooms in around the corner and its back to acting. As if instinctively at this point, your hands pull from each other with swiftness, body language at a complete opposite, no trace of any sentiment between you. “Erick loco, why you running like that,” Richard laughs and struts over to him, giving you a little head nod as he walks away like nothing.

“Im trying to race Zabdiel, donde está él??” You hear them talking as you walk the other way. It was best not to hang around, otherwise you might get too comfortable and slip up, get too touchy or say something that blows your cover.

It wasnt the most ideal, but it was something that just needed time. Not that anyone or one of the boys would be mad, but bigger than that. Being part of the tour staff made it iffy. What if they had thought your new promotion was because of him? That you were getting special treatment and being paid basically to have fun and fuck around with the important people. And not to mention the fans. If this went public, there would be a riot of people accusing you of being fake or using him, everything you feared. It was too risky for the both of you. And you loved him so much, it felt like there was nothing better to do.

You fill your head with distractions and ride the escalator to the next floor, getting as far away as possible. The music was louder up here and it made it easier to get lost. At this point you weren’t even shopping, just wandering and clearing your mind, fingers brushing past fabric as you walked the length of every aisle. Something shuffles to your side and you know by those heavy steps, but you continue walking in a daze.

“You look like you’re thinking too hard,” Richard towers behind you, sliding his hands down your arms until they interlocked with his again, crossing them across your waist in a deep hug. You close your eyes for a second and let him wander along with you, his scent so intoxicating, overshadowing the sadness. “What’s on your mind, baby?” He senses your uneasiness and it makes you nervous.

“Nada, just thinking.” He doesn’t question any further, just keeps his hands on you, spinning you around to face him, planting kisses up and down your neck, making your cheeks blush immediately. “Stooopp,” you giggle, all sad thoughts already lost, overpowered by the happiness he always seemed to give you. “Richard Yashel Cama- NooO” you squeal as he lifts you off the ground, spinning you in a fast circle before dipping you towards the ground.

His smile beams as your noses brush together, him holding you so close to the ground and all the built up energy has your heart pounding. He holds you there, letting the tension build before leaning in ever so slightly to your lips..

“Richard, yo, you gotta come see this we-“ a voice yells from a distance and the perfect bubble of yours collapses. You don’t know what to do so Richard is the one to act quick. He drops you the rest of the way to the ground, your body hitting the tile with a soft smack. The look he gives is a tiny second of regret followed by yet another change of character.

It’s Chris this time to turn the corner, coming upon the scene of you on the ground, Richard hovering above you. “Whoaaa girl watch where you goin,” he improvs on spot, acting like you had just bumped into him or something. This is definitely the lowest you’ve felt. Literally and figuratively.

He reaches out a hand to help you and you get up quickly, fixing yourself before turning the opposite direction from the boys, them already going on their own way too. Richard looks back at you with a glum stare but you ignore it, not wanting to even look at him right now. Emotions buildup in every piece of your body and you desperately seek out anywhere to get out of this space.

His laugh still seems to echo in your ears the farther you walk away, it was too hard. You stop at the little glass balcony to observe everyone below on the first floor. You smile as you see Erick hiding in a rack of pants, Chris and Richard about to be his next victims. He looks up at you and does the “shh” gesture and you do it back to comply. It’s fun and lighthearted, but that heart wrenching feeling comes back when you see Richard.

Him and Chris scream and fall to the floor as Erick pops out, scaring them half to death with the easiest prank in the book. Erick looks up to you and does a thumbs up excitedly. You throw one up back and smile down, catching glimpse of Richard giving you a look from down there as well. The smile fades from your face immediately and you have to turn away, walking away from the ledge and off to somewhere he isn’t.

You find comfort in the shoes section, plopping down on one of the squishy chairs on the side of the aisle. Your head falls to your hands in your lap and it’s so annoying to feel like this. To feel like you’re so far away from someone who is actually your entire heart and world, like you can’t be with who you love because it’s wrong, but it’s not.

You take a deep breath in to calm down and when you look up, there he is. “Baby what’s wrong? Are you o-“ you cut him off mid sentence and start to walk away. “Not now Richard,” he follows close behind and grabs your hand, forcing you to turn around and face him. “Don’t touch me.” You yank out of his grip and tears form in your eyes.

“Heyheyhey, it’s just me, tell me what’s wrong.” He keeps his distance, not wanting you to feel uncomfortable, all he needs is you to open up. “I’m done, Richard. I’m just done.” You sniffle and wipe a stray tear from your cheek.

“Im done acting. I hate having to pretend this isn’t real because this is the realest thing I’ve ever felt. I’m done keeping secret touches and kisses,” you stop to lower your voice when you notice you had been almost yelling. “Because when i touch you i feel like i can’t let you go. And i hate myself for getting so lost in you so easily. Cause i know it has to end when someone walks in the room or when we step out of our little hiding spots.”

You can see the hurt in his eyes but it doesn’t stop the worlds coming out. “But i forgive you every time. No matter how much the separation part kills me. Even if it means ignoring me, fuck- even dropping me on the floor. Richard i forgive you every time because i love you so damn much, but now I’m so....”

He doesn’t give you time to finish. You didn’t know if you even could to be honest. And this is what you meant. Forgiving him the second he encloses you in his chest, shedding all pain and tears in a single embrace. His hand pets your hair as you let it out quietly in his shoulder. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so so sorry,” he chants over and over until you pull apart, finally able to look him in the eyes.

“It’s not your fault.” You wipe your eyes and lift his chin from hanging disappointedly. “It’s no ones fault.” He plays with the hem of your shirt absentmindedly, something he did often when he was nervous or anxious. “But i still feel guilty, T/N you don’t deserve this.” His jaw tightens and you know he feels terrible.

“That’s why this ends now.” You feel sick for a split second before he finishes. “I saw the way you looked at me earlier and i couldn’t bear the idea of making you feel this way. So before i came up here to you I..” he stops and grabs your hands in his. “I told everyone the truth.”

Shock settles in and you wanna cry, laugh, scream, do anything to snap out of it. “Richard,” you start and he pulls something out of his pocket, a little black jewelry box. “I know this doesn’t make anything better, and i promise you I’ll make it all up to you somehow, but for now..”

You take the tiny package and pop it open. Eyes watering up yet again as you’re faced with the pretty gold earrings from earlier, paired beautifully with the daintiest gold ring you’ve ever seen. And the final piece, one of your favorite gold chains that Richard owned, must’ve had it on him close today. You’re able to crack a side smile and look up at his toothy goofy one in response.

“I thought that if we’re gonna be seen in public as a couple now, you might wanna be extra icy, flaunt it a lil bit.” He jokes and all pressure from before falls from your shoulders. His arms open, inviting you so sweetly and you can’t help but jump in.

“I love you, you know that?” He squeezes you and you feel it in his touch, his voice, in his everything. You kiss him in response and he knows you feel it too.

It’s almost a whole minute of his lips on yours until you feel some type of eyes on you from behind. You part in enough time to turn around and face the little creepers. “Bro seriously?” Richard whines and your cheeks flush red from embarrassment.

It’s Zabdi, Erick, Joel, and Chris with a very obvious phone up recording the whole scene, all of them choking up laughter. “I just wanted to see if you were serious.” Joel throws his hands up in defense.

“To be honest, i thought it’d be funny to record,” Erick confesses and looks over to Chris who replies “Yea, this is gonna look so good on Instagram.”

[sporadic-writer]

Mrs. All American pt. 3

Harrison x Reader

Warnings: swearing, mentions of alcohol and partying, but that’s about it

Also this may be considered long.. Idk I just wanted to write and kept going.

Summary: the three of you prep for the party.

Yeah that’s a boring summary but it’s all I got ok?

Part 1 here! Part 2 here!

°••°••°••°••°••°••°

It was around 11:45 in the morning. Tom and Harrison were hanging out in Tom's kitchen while he made some lunch. Both men had been up for a couple of hours. You however, had yet to emerge from your room.

"Should we wake her up? It's almost 12." Harrison looked to the direction of your room then back to Tom who simply shook his head no.

"Nah she usually wakes up between 10 and 1. Broad range but it's how she is. I will guess though that she will be up soon." He wiped his hands off of crumbs and looked at his sandwich. "Man I could be a chef. This looks amazing."

"Mate, last time you made soup you burnt the fucking pot so badly you had to throw it out."

Rolling his eyes he replied. "Yeah but no heat involved this time so all is good." He turned to clean up and get a drink and failed to see you come up to the island.

You smirked and made a shush motion to Harrison. Quietly, you grabbed the plate and moved to sit next to Harrison. Then you grabbed half of the sandwich and took a bite. It was around then that Tom turned around and noticed you.

"Hey sleeping beauty made it up before 12. Proud of you!" He seemed to take no notice of the theft that took place. Grabbing his cup he took a sip and turned back around. You suppressed a laugh along with Harrison. Then he turned back around and went to grab where his plate was. He stopped as you were on your second bite. Confused, he looked around and then his eyes met yours. While chewing you maintained eye contact. "You bitch! Give that back!" He leaned over and snatched the plate. At this point everyone was laughing.

"Dude that didn't even click right away for you. I got 2 bites deep. Tasty by the way."

"I made that myself. You don't deserve it!" You noticed the purpose and guard he had while eating. You simply laughed more. While sitting you felt Harrison's hand on your back and heard him speak up.

"Let him have it love. It apparently is a major accomplishment in his life that he performed a basic life skill." Tom flipped his friend off and you slipped off the chair. Moving around the island you brushed your hand on Harrison's arm, mentally noting how strong he felt. You were a sucker for nice arms and good abs and Harrison was the jackpot for both in your eyes. The abs were yet to be seen, but you knew. Call it female intuition.

"Tom, not being able to cook just confirms the privileged actor stereotype. Don't let the haters be right. Now where do you keep your pans. I'm makin’ eggs." He told you were they were and you began preparing your breakfast.

With your back turned you didn't see a set of blue eyes look at you fondly. However, your ears heard him speak to you. "You know how to cook?" He saw you nod yes. "Lovely! Now teach Tom here. You really are just light years ahead of him."

"Oh I am. Speaking of being better than you! When do you want to do that rematch boy?" You looked at him, away from your pan of scrambling eggs. Although, Harrison was in the dark.

Tom scoffed. "We can do it whenever you want. You won on because of lag and I still call bullshit."

"Anyone want to fill me in?" Harrison felt the slightest ping of jealousy that you and Tom had inside jokes and stories. He knew that you knew him longer and all that. But he pushed it down. After all, you weren't kissing Tom on the couch last night.

Your voice brought him back to reality. "He and I played a series of Call of Duty: World War 2 games and I won overall and he got pissy. He also claims I only won because of lag on his end. I say he's a sore loser." As you finished your sentence you plated your eggs and stuck your tongue out. Then you sat back down next to Harrison.

"When you're done I'm kicking your ass." In a condescending manner, you nodded your head to play along. You sat and ate your eggs while he finished his sandwich.

Eventually both of you finished your food and Tom dragged you to the couch and turned on the TV.

"Can we use the Xbox? I'm trash on Playstation."

He groaned. "Fine. Either way I'll win. But we play a few public rounds to warm up and then I pick the first style of game we play."

"Whatever. Neither of us has played in a hot minute so let's see how this goes." You cracked your knuckles and the 3rd person in the room simply watched in amusement. Plus, he thought it was kind of attractive you knew how to play video games. You were cool as hell, played video games, and could cook. He found the most well rounded girl in the world. He watched both of you play some team deathmatch and he had to admit, you weren't horrible. You knew what you were doing and held your own.

Tom left the lobby and you looked at him. "Ok I've gone positive the whole time. So I am either set or it's all downhill from here. How about instead of 1v1 we just see who does better each round of a public game? 1v1 is boring."

"Fine but I'm picking the first game." His voice got sly and he smirked. You watched in fear as he selected your worst game mode. "Get fucked Y/N."

"Noo can't we just play regular team deathmatch or like kill confirmed? People kick my ass in any hardcore mode."

The non-player spoke up to settle everything. "Just play free for all and whoever is higher is better. Duh."

You and Tom looked at each other and agreed. Then you made your classes and played for a while. Harrison tried to make a joke about you only using SMGs and like 1 assault rifle. All you did was respond with a “careful Harrison” in a warning tone and he backed down while laughing. In the end, Tom came out better than you by 2 games. Once Tom got his moment of being a sore winner out of his system you asked the boys how the party was going to happen. Harrison spoke first.

“I say we go to the liquor store first. I want to see the guys face of us buying so much shit before 2 pm.” He came up behind you on the couch. You leaned your head back and smiled up at the blue eyes above you. He winked at you in a flirty manner.

Picking your head back up you looked to Tom. “Now Tom, not to be a smart ass,” he scoffed, “shut it. But will people say something about you running into a liquor store then buying a ton?” You looked at him and he went into thought.

“I guess it wouldn’t look great for someone through Disney to clean them out. But take my card when you go. I will get food and some stuff. That way it looks fine. Plus, we can still get trashed.” Everyone agreed with that plan. “Ok so Haz you and Y/N go get the booze, enough to make all our livers cry, and I will get other stuff. Meet back here.”

So you and Harrison went off to the store after you changed into some shorts. Luckily, booze was a generally understood and universal concept. Everything was sorted out as usual, but this time there was a few different European selections, and an American section.

“So what do you want? Tom made the mistake of leaving us his card, so we can get top shelf stuff.” Harrison looked to you with mischief in his eyes. You liked it, but the good friend in you told him no need to go crazy.

Walking towards the vodka, grabbing some schnapps, you turned to scold him. “I am not taking advantage of my rich friend. I will get some stuff on my own. But I don’t see the harm in the bulk coming from him. Nothing crazy though, we get a lot and get make sure we get drunker than a French skunk. Put down the Everclear! I did that my freshman year and don’t remember a thing past the second shot.”

“That’s impressive! But fine at least grab the Ciroc and that kind of nice stuff. If we are going all out for this then we are doing it right. No protests! You only party in London once love.” He grabbed some various vodka bottles and you got a couple other varieties of rum, whisky, and some silver tequila. Between you both you looked like you could restock the busiest pub in town.

As you were walking out of the store you asked him, “Hey wait. Who all is coming to this tonight anyway? I only know you, Tom, and his family.”

“Uh I think the twins, some of his Marvel friends, and some of our friends along with co-stars.” He spoke as if it was a normal thing to casual get trashed with celebrities. However, you stopped right at the car.

“I’m sorry did you say Marvel people and co-stars?! Like it’s nothing? I can’t meet famous people! And I for sure can’t get trashed in front of them.” You looked at him as if he had lost his mind.

The bafflement on his face was clear. “Why not? You know Tom. They are normal people. It’ll be fine. We don’t hate your presence, neither will they. And they don’t care if you get drunk. I have seen plenty of Tom’s Marvel co-stars get very drunk. The co-stars are around our age it’s fine.” His words made you feel a little better, but the nerves were there regardless. Both of you drove back and carried everything into Tom’s apartment. He turned to you both as you came in.

“Awesome you’re back. The food, pizza mainly, is ordered and will be here on time. People will start showing up around 7 I think.” You nodded. That gave you plenty of time to get ready. Since celebs were going to be there, you wanted to look your best. Tom spoke again and snapped you out of your planning. “I say we be ready by 6 or half past and pregame just us."

"Works for me. I am going to make a drink myself to sip on while I get ready."

"Y/N you literally have like 3 hours." The boys looked at you like you were crazy.

"True. But I like getting ready early so it can settle and I am not rushed. I like to take my time. Don't worry I'll be ready before 6." You made a vodka cranberry and walked off to start your process. Admitting it to no one, you were excited to get ready. This kind of stuff was fun, you got in the zone and did your thing. Eventually, you found yourself in a towel trying to work the shower. Every time you use a new shower, it’s like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube. You sighed and gave up hope.

From the main room the boys heard you yell that you can’t work the shower. Both looked at each other after. Tom smirked and looked back to his phone. “You go. I know you want to.” When Harrison didn’t move he spoke again. “What are you waiting for?! A hot girl is waiting in a towel. Have you ever seen American Pie?”

“Shut it mate. You’re an idiot.” He got up and started walking towards where you called from.

From the couch the actor mumbled, “At least I didn’t freeze when a girl called needing help with the shower.”

You heard the knock at the door and said come in. Expecting Tom, you smiled when Harrison walked in instead. “Sorry.. I just don’t know how to get the water started.”

“It’s fine love.” You thought it was cute how he was trying, trying, to look anywhere but you. What a gentleman you thought. The smile on your face and the blush on his was adorable.

“Harrison, you’re allowed to look at me. It’s a towel, not the direct blaze of the sun.” His blue eyes met your e/c ones and he smiled faintly at you.

Turning the water on then scratching the back on his neck he smiled again and said, “Sorry, I just didn’t want to be rude.”

He started walking out and you said it’s totally fine and that you didn’t mind. As he shut the door you thanked him and slipped in. Music playing and you singing along put you in a good mood. Taking your time, you enjoyed the hot water with your nice travel products. Plus,Tom had a nice shower.

Soon your shower was done and you slipped out to your room. Keeping the towel on you put on some lotion, brushed your hair, put in some product, and sat down to begin your makeup. This didn’t take long, it was just that you took your time to get it right. You kept YouTube music and videos playing. Hair drying, drink being drank, and makeup looking on point made you feel damn good. It’s like Iiza Shlesinger said, ‘You know when you look hot.’ Your clothes weren’t even on and you felt great. The nerves of famous people being around lessened. You were relaxed. Next thing you did was drop the towel and put your outfit on. Luckily, you asked Tom what kind of a party this was going to be. He told you to dress like you were going to a casual club with your friends; so a simple but sexy outfit. No need to dress for a popular club in LA or New York, but not jeans or basic stuff. This was more than your college parties so you put your simple black dress. It was the kind that could be worn at a party, a cocktail dinner, or even a funeral (not to be morbid, but to note that it is still formal and not too slutty) it just mattered how you worked it. Zipping it up, you grabbed your black platforms and stood up. Unlike most girls, you liked wearing heels. Yes, they hurt by the end of the night but it was fine. Not to mention, at school you didn’t wear them out too much since you would walk back around outside more. That and you were typically lit when you did. Friends leaning on each other were no held if they were just as gone. But not tonight! For the finishing touches you swapped out a couple rings, put on your leather and Alex and Ani bracelets, and your earrings and necklace. Doing one final look over in the mirror, you were satisfied. The time read 5:38. Perfect. Spraying some perfume on, you went to see what the boys were doing.

Walking out you heard the microwave go off and smelled popcorn. You noticed Tom was in a nicer shirt and shoes. Harrison changed as well into some more appropriate clothes. His jeans were darker and his red shirt looked good in contrast to his light hair, which was brushed and styled a little. As Tom turned with the popcorn, he heard the clack of your heels as you approached and leaned on the island. He whistled lightly, you blushed and smiled, and Harrison looked up and his jaw dropped. Never before had you made a man’s jaw drop and it simply added to your confidence. 

“I don’t know about you guys, but I am ready to party.” Your eyes lingered on Harrison and the corner of your lips turned up. You finished your drink and took a grab at the popcorn. Tom made you a new one while Harrison kept his eyes on you. He took in how you looked more dressed up compared to your cute and casual looks from before. In his mind, you looked sexy. No doubt about it.

Despite his mind being rattled, “Y/N you look great,” is all he managed to get out.

Tom nodded and set out three shot glasses. “I gotta agree. On vacation you never dressed like this.”

“Well that was me in high school. An awkward dork who didn’t do this stuff that often. Let alone know how to do it well. But I have a few years of college under my belt. You haven’t seen me in action Tom.” The shot glasses were filled with Ciroc. You all cheered and downed the shots. When you didn’t wince, both became impressed. Even they coughed or cringed a bit. You grabbed another. You could hold you liquor quite well and knew a couple shots to start would be fine until later tonight. After downing the second easily you walked over to Harrison and put your hand on his shoulder. His arm went to your waist.

From the other side of the island Tom just looked at your shot glass, back to you, smiled and said, “Shit. This is gonna be a great night.”

°••°••°••°••°••°••°

Next chapter will be the party. Sorry if this wasn’t enough Harrison and stuff, you don’t like the swearing, or the booze was something you didn’t like.. Also, this may be boring to you. Idk I like the “domestic” and simple writing sometimes. Nice filler and fun is always good.

As always, I hope those who read liked it. Feel free to comment, like, and reblog!

[regular-lord-reckoner]

I’m going to try my best with this group I have on Thursdays. 

Typically I’ll just teach a regular sized class and so far it’s pretty much just been, “Okay, go to Ms. So and So’s class first and then Mr. So and So’s after that” and so I get decent numbers of kids from that (because part of our grant requirement is that we teach at least 250 kids per year) but for some reason no matter how much I tried to explain that to this guidance counselor. he wanted to just pull the kids who were having the most disciplinary problems out and create a group that way so...not only does that only give me 10 kids (which sucks because I’m scrambling to try to get another school now just so I can meet my quota) but also like...these are the kids who have the most disciplinary issues. 

I’m just...a group instructor, man. I’ve had a little SEL training here and there, but by no means am I a professional counselor and if teaching for, what, two and a half years now has taught me anything it’s that I’m a shitty disciplinarian so...I don’t know if this is the best idea, honestly.

I at least have him there as backup and he’s said that if he needs to he’ll pull some of the kids out and kind of regroup with them out in the hall and then they’ll rejoin when things have settled down, but still I’m just like...oof. 

I want to be a positive impact in their lives, I really do. I know these kids need it, but that being said that’s also kind of a heavy responsibility and I worry so much about fucking it up that I feel like I kind of fuck it up anyway and that’s part of why I just want to find another job. I know this is important work and it does make a difference, but the public speaking end of it already puts me on fucking edge every time I do it (and again...two and a half years, I’d be over it by now if it was just regular nerves) and I’d rather try to do something meaningful some other way where I can actually feel decently confident about how well I’m doing. 

Because so far I just...I dunno. It seems like the groups I’m having that are going well are groups of kids who don’t really need this, they already get these concepts. The kids who probably need it the most are groups like today where it’s just a lot of me going, “Guys! Guys please, I’m talking right now, okay? Just raise your hand if you have a question or want to share something.” And still like...three different kids are all desperately trying to tell me something at the same time that has nothing to do with the lesson while the other kids are all having their own conversation about something also unrelated and it’s just...frustrating. 

And I know that’s not really fair, because I’m the adult in this situation and again...I’m ultimately just there trying to help, but all feelings on the matter combined just leave me feeling kind of...discouraged, I guess? I dunno

I know in a lot of respects I had a really good job, I get to have a lot of free time and I like pretty much everyone I work with so that’s nice and all, but it’s also just...not very good pay either? 

We’re supposedly all supposed to be getting a 3% pay increase (which I’m wondering if that isn’t compensation for the absolute nightmare that is the new system that controls our pay/time tracking/time off etc.) but I’ll wait until I actually see it to see what that’ll look like, but...even then I’m sure I could find something else that would just overall be a better fit for me. 

I think honestly I kind of need more structure. Having this much free time during work hours, but working a job I just don’t feel ultimately that good about has put me in a really weird mental place lately. 

If I could work somewhere and bust out like...4 ten hour days and just have 3 day weekends all the time and if that job could be something that for the love of christ doesn’t require me to speak in front of people (and has decent pay, benefits, etc) i would be...so much fucking better off and like...obviously not having to be part of a capitalist hellhole work system in the first place would be the dream, but for right now that’s the goal, is just to get somewhere a little better 

for now i’m going to try to hang in there until the summer (which is another thing too, our contract is for ten months so like...already i’d be going without pay for two months and with what i make now is just...not great, m’dudes) and then i’m going to find another job and make my exit because i just...do not want to do this any longer than i already have. 

I’m honestly kind of beating myself up for not just taking the exit when I had the chance after the first grant ended, but it just seemed like everything lined up perfectly in a way and, who knows, maybe in the grand scheme of things I’ll be grateful for this experience as well and I’m sure it’s teaching me things, so it’s not a complete loss, but...nevertheless I really just feel like it’s time I move on to something else, something hopefully more comfortable and that I can feel confident about. 

Even though I hated maaaaaany aspects of my last job and by no means felt like an expert, I’d still at least gotten to a point after having been there for five years where it was like...okay, I know what I’m doing. I feel pretty confident about my abilities, even if I hate what I’m doing, I at least know how to do it and I do it well. 

And yeah that’s...pretty fucking sad to have your work ethic to a company that doesn’t really give a fuck about you be the only thing you feel good about, but it was kind of all I had at the time, so I figured store bought would do just fine. 

At this point I’d settle for being able to do something I at least feel confident about doing again than just...pretty much constantly being anxious and dejected. That combined again with the amount of free time I get allows depression to just run a-fucking-mok so like...really not great for my overall mental state of being.

So...yeah. Basically just a lot of “I don’t like my job anymore” whining, but it helps at least feeling like I’m moving towards a turning point. It’s going to take a while, but...I’ll get there eventually. 

Also, I think I finally for my W2, so that’s something. It’s electronic, I guess, instead of through the mail like we normally get it, so I’ll have to log in tomorrow and see if I can pull it up, but hopefully I’ll be able to get my taxes done this weekend, so I can get the ball rolling on getting that return. 

I think things will get better and I know the things I need to do in order to make them better, when I’m going to give as much effort as I can even though I just feel overall drained as a human being, I’m still going to try. 

I feel like it’s just going to take some time and that sucks, yeah, but I’m just going to try to think of it as putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes when I’d be having to walk a lot and I’d start to feel my body giving up on me, but I knew there was a place nearby I could sit down and rest I’d just tell myself to focus on each individual step. 

It’s typical, cheesy inspirational poster bullshit, but when you’re literally physically struggling to go on and feel like you could collapse at any second it’s really all you can do is to focus on one step after the next knowing that eventually those steps are going to take you to a place where you can finally rest. 

Does it suck to think of my overall life that way for the moment? I mean...yeah, dude. Sucks to be disabled, too but...not much I can do about that either except live with it as best as I can. So, that’s what I’m going to do here, too and...even though my brain’s been trying to fucking kill me lately I’m going to try my best to fight back.