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stonertransdad · 3 years

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Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.

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kerterm · 5 years

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Tips for dissociative disorder, depersonalization, derealization, panic attacks/anxiety, sensory overload

1. Listening to calm music or ambient sounds: this one is huge for me, because complete silence sends me further into dissociation and derealization. Youtube is great for this. I recommend “Ambient Worlds”. They are a youtube channel that features relaxing movie soundtracks with ambient nature sounds such as the Shire and others!

2. Distracting yourself: whether its with a simple video game, or funny animal videos, distracting your brain from your dissociation can help you from hyper fixating on it and spiralling further. Anything that will make you smile or laugh is recommended! As for games, I enjoy Animal Crossing Pocket Camp and the Terrarium Idle Garden on my phone! I also recommend trying kids shows on netflix such as: Hilda, the dragon prince, troll hunters, avatar the last air bender. Or on other platforms: Steven Universe, Studio Ghibli movies, or any disney movies. Soft, simple animation just relaxes me so much.

3. Talking to someone about whats on your mind: it’s important to realize that dissociating is just your brain trying to protect you from your pain and anxiety. Talking to a trusted friend or therapist about whats bothering you can help immensely. As you work through things, your anxiety will lessen which in the long run will make dissociating less frequent.

4. Sensory stimulation: When i dissociate, I’m extremely sensitive to sensory stimulation and i can get sensory overload very easily. But there are gentle sensory things to do that will help! I like to get a brush (any kind should do) and just gently brush it along my skin. This stimulates the nerves and reminds my brain that I am real, and helps my sense of space normalize. I usually end up brushing my arms, legs, stomach, back, and neck even. If you have sensory issues with textures, use your hands and rubs your arms or lightly scratch them. (Talk to your therapist or doctor if this becomes harmful to you, such as skin picking etc. you deserve help 💕) Also any sort of sensory toy is wonderful for this too. It helps with grounding and its a great distraction!

5. Self care ideas: this is a great distraction for your brain and will always make you feel better. If you can’t do these right now, thats okay too. Heres some things you can do: Cleaning your room (even just a small part), watering your plants, spending time with family or friends or pets, skin care routines, making a quick snack, get some water to drink, take your medication, brush your hair and teeth, deodorant is cool, have a hot shower/bath, light candles, put on a diffuser, turn on all your string lights, make a pillow fort, find all your old stuffies and make a pile in your bed, become a blanket burrito and watch netflix all day, pick up your favorite book again, dance to your favorite song, do anything that makes you happy as long as it doesn’t hurt you or anyone else. Have a you day. Its okay. You’re allowed to.

6. Other tips: I recommend using orange oil, this stuff has literally stopped panic attacks in their tracks for me, just a drop on the back of your neck. Also noise cancelling headphones are a blessing when you’re over stimulated. I bring them everywhere. Always have music and a charged phone with you. If you’re ever lost and alone, it’s important that you be able to find help. And relaxing music helps everything. Also If you have trouble falling asleep because you don’t recognize your surroundings or other issues, maybe try an over the counter melatonin.(read the label for dosage, don’t take too many). This helps on my worst nights. Or there are many essential oils for sleep as well. And if you still aren’t comfortable sleeping, get a night light or a salt lamp.

7. Also, please consider therapy. It has done wonders for me and its the only treatment that has actually helped me. (Ive tried everything from anti depressants, to natural supplements, to reflexology, etc etc etc) theres no shame in needing it and it will help you recover faster. But it’s important to know you may not have a good experience your first time. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right counsellor. And thats normal. Don’t be discouraged. you deserve to get the treatment you need.

8. IF YOU’RE NOT FEELING WELL BECAUSE OF THIS MENTAL ILLNESS, YOU’RE ALLOWED TO STEP BACK. YOU’RE ALLOWED TO TAKE A BREAK AND COLLECT YOURSELF. YOU’RE ALLOWED TO CALL IN SICK. YOU’RE ALLOWED TO REMOVE YOURSELF FROM ANY STRESSFUL, ABUSIVE SITUATION. YOU’RE ALLOWED TO HAVE BOUNDARIES. I didn’t know this, it’s important.

9. Remember that its gonna pass. Take a deep breath. It might seem scary right now. This might all be new to you, and you might not know what to do. BUT. Its going to be okay. This is normal and it does make sense. Your brain is just trying to protect you from all those things that stress you out. You’re not going insane. This is okay. Accept that you are spaced out today. Take your time. It will pass and you will get better. I promise.

#depersonalization #derealization #derealisation disorder #disociation #sensory overload #overstimulation #anxienty #panic attack #anxiety attack #advice #this is a psa #mental health #self care #mental health advice #mental health acceptance #depression

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your-iron-lung · 6 years

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The Language of Birds

A man saw a bird and found him beautiful. The bird had a song inside him, and feathers. Sometimes the man felt like the bird and sometimes the man felt like a stone- solid, inevitable- but mostly he felt like a bird, or that there was a bird inside him, or that something inside him was like a bird fluttering.

This went on for a long time.

-Richard Siken

available to read on A03 HERE

Sometimes love manifests itself as a disease; nigh incurable and invariably fatal. Hanahaki, they call it- the disease of flowers.

Steve has lived his entire life with it, managing the symptoms as best he can until he simply can’t any longer. He’s never met anyone else who’s suffered the same way until Billy Hargrove.

Pairing: One-sided/unrequited Harringrove

Word Count: 2349

Rating: Non-explicit

so um. an overwhelming amount of people wanted a sequel to ‘The Language of Flowers’, or at the very least a happy ending variant but uhhhhh

:^)

i am a creature that thrives off of sadness and misery im sorry

The first time it happens, he doesn’t understand why the rest of his elementary school friends run from him screaming ‘cooties!’ at the top of their lungs.

Steve holds the yellow flower petal in his hand and cries because he doesn’t understand what it means, or why it came from so deep within his itchy throat. His mom thought he’d had something called ‘strep’, but when the beautiful, kind Ms. Julia takes him to the school nurse he finds out she was wrong.

Both Ms. Julia and the nurse share a worried glance when he presents his flower petals to them. The nurse calls his mom, and for a moment Steve believes he’s in trouble, but if being in trouble means he gets to spend some extra time alone with his teacher, then, well, maybe getting into trouble is worth it.

His mom picks him up from school early, but instead of going home she takes him to an emergency doctor even though he doesn’t feel sick. She looks so scared that Steve becomes scared, worried of what he’s done wrong to prompt this trip.

He asks her what’s wrong, why the strep is causing flower petals to push up out of his throat, but she doesn’t answer; only attempts to comfort him by repeatedly saying: “It’s nothing, sweetheart, don’t worry. You’re okay.”

But the doctor disagrees with her when they finally arrive.

The doctor is young, but is already outstanding in her field. She’s the only doctor close to Hawkins that treats Hanahaki Disease, but she’s never had to treat it in a patient as young as the little Harrington boy.

“It’s rare, but not entirely unheard of,” she says to Mrs. Harrington, who has tears in her eyes and won’t take her hand away from her mouth, already grieving. Steve watches them talk from atop the examination table, holding a few of the yellow petals in his hands. They’re soft and velvety; smooth to the touch, and he doesn’t know why they should be causing his mother so much distress. “Children fall in love with things all the time; just because they’re young doesn’t mean they’re immune to their feelings.”

The doctor turns away from his mother and smiles at Steve, coaxing a shy smile from him in return.

“What’s the name of your favourite teacher at school, Steve?” she asks, and Steve’s shy smile transforms instantly into one that is so much more genuine; he even starts to giggle.

“Missus Julia.”

“Is she nice?” Steve nods, fingers tightening around the petals. “Pretty too I bet, huh?”

“Yes,” he replies. “She smiles at me every day.”

The doctor turns a knowing look to his mother, who finally takes her hand away from her mouth to speak.

“Is it- will he be okay?”

“Hanahaki is 100% treatable, but I’d like to take some x-rays to get a better idea of what we’re dealing with here.”

Steve’s mother nods, and the doctor takes him by the hand and leads him out of the room.

The technicians take the x-rays, cooing over how adorable little Steve is. The doctor of course agrees that he is, but this is a medical practice, so could they please not get too distracted? The x-rays come back quickly enough after their exchange, and the doctor is dismayed by what she sees. Steve’s condition is abnormal in more ways than one, which is saddening, because his capacity for love is so strong.

Even still, she understands his life is on the line, and the disease must be treated.

“In most cases, Hanahaki manifests itself in the host’s lungs,” she begins, speaking slowly as she pins up the x-rays to the light board for Mrs. Harrington to observe, “but in Steve’s case, it appears to have taken root in his heart-”

“His heart?!”

“Yes,” she replies calmly, aware that Steve is monitoring their reactions. “Again, it’s not untreatable, but the usual recommended surgery to remove it is invasive, and not generally recommended for a patient his age.”

Mrs. Harrington starts to cry, and the doctor really wishes she hadn’t. It’s not an ideal situation, but it’s not like her son is dead. On the examination table behind them, Steve shares in his mother’s grief and also begins to cry.

He sees the doctor off and on throughout his life. His unique condition requires routine monitoring to adjust medication doses in order to keep the flower from completely harvesting his heart, because no one wants to have to put him through the open-heart surgery to remove it. They become friends, in a word- about as good of friends as a doctor who treats a patient with a chronic heart condition can be friends- and he’s never really been unhappy to see her until his break up with Nancy.

His medicine stops working. The flowers and pain in his heart become more persistent, and he’s ashamed to admit that he breaks down in the exam room over it.

“Bullshit,” he mutters, spitting Nancy’s words out with disgust. He reaches into his mouth and pulls out a petal that’s been caught in his throat for the past hour. “It was all just bullshit to her.”

His doctor smiles a bit sardonically, and she wishes she could tell Steve that first loves often are just bullshit, but she’s not a therapist and doesn’t want to invalidate his feelings, although she knows that Nancy is just one of many in a long series of heartaches for Steve.

“How long have your symptoms been persisting?” she asks, kindly ignoring his tears as he wipes them away.

“Couple of weeks. A few months, maybe.”

“Steve.” She doesn’t bother hiding her disapproval, her brow furrowing as she admonishes him. “Months? You should’ve come sooner; you can’t afford to go months without treatment!”

“I didn’t want to believe it, alright?!” he says angrily, though most of his anger is directed towards himself for believing everything was fine in spite of the evidence. “We were happy; she told me she loved me, kept telling me she loved me, so how could I be choking up those fucking flowers if that were true?” He sniffles and looks up at the ceiling for a moment, collecting himself before he can address his physician again. “I mean, would you believe it, if someone kept saying that to you?”

Her professionalism keeps her from answering honestly.

“I would have come to see me the minute I realized my medication stopped working,” she says and sighs, studying him for a minute. That great capacity to love that he’s carried with him since he was a child is still strong, and she’s comforted by that thought, but at the same time it’s worrisome. “The growth in your heart could have advanced; we need to make sure it hasn’t.”

He touches his hand to his chest briefly, still wallowing in his sadness, and she sympathizes for him, she really does, but he’s treading a very fine line: to let the disease advance any further could result in surgery. Steve stays quiet while the x-rays get taken, and his doctor is relieved to see that the flower’s growth has been minimal. The roots have spread, yes, but it isn’t gotten to the point where he needs the surgery just yet, though there isn’t much point in fighting the inevitable.

“Don’t do this again, Steve; you’re really pushing your limits here.”

She ups the dosage on his medication and prescribes him an anti-depressant and releases him back into the world he can’t afford to love too strongly.

When Billy goes down hard on the court after being shoved violently aside in what should have been called out as a foul, everyone expects him to get back up and start a fight over it, but he doesn’t. No one’s sure what to do when he starts coughing, and Steve swears the whole gymnasium goes quiet just so they can listen to each strangled intake of breath.

His teammates cast nervous looks at each other, but no one makes a move to help him. As captain of the team, Steve takes the initiative and jogs over to his side to try and help him up. Billy brushes him aside but he persists, reaching out his hand for support but stalls when Billy throws up, a horrific mixture of blood and flowers spewing across the midcourt line.

“Holy shit dude,” he says, brown eyes blown wide at the familiar sight.

“Fuck off,” Billy hisses before fleeing the scene, leaving the mess for the Belleview High janitor to mop up so they can finish their game.

Steve watches Billy’s health deteriorate rapidly over the course of the next few weeks, and it’s like he’s seeing an alternate version of himself that decided to rot instead of seek help with treating the symptoms.

It’s agonizing seeing him like this; suffering to maintain an image that is losing value the more time that passes.

So he tells him about his doctor; about the options she provides so that maybe he doesn’t have to die if he doesn’t actually want to, because despite what he says, there’s a spark in his eye that shines when he looks at Steve that suggests he isn’t seeking death quite as hard as he lets on that he is.

In the end, he gets the treatment. Goes to see Steve’s doctor and comes back to school healthy as ever, physically. He does a good job of hiding it, but Steve can tell that, emotionally, Billy hasn’t healed, and there’s something about his sorrowful looks and how beautiful his personal tragedy is that draws Steve in, compels him to care despite his best efforts not to. Billy’s not the first boy he’s managed to develop strong feelings for, but when the flowers come back, again, he tries to tell himself that he’s wrong: there’s no way in hell he’s fallen for Billy Hargrove.

Except, the flowers are different this time.

For as long as he can remember, the flowers he’s been infected with have always been the same colour and texture: for his elementary school teacher, for his middle school crush, for the French foreign exchange boy that came to Hawkins freshman year, and even for Nancy, the flowers in his heart have always manifested themselves as soft and yellow. But the flowers he coughs up for Billy aren’t yellow, or velvety soft to the touch- no, instead he finds himself coughing up husks. Paper-thin, dried up, brittle petals that cause tears in his throat when he coughs that give the little grey shreds some colour.

When he coughs up flower petals this time, they’re dead.

He panics; what does it mean? What could it mean? It’s related to Billy in some regard, but his fear prevents him from thinking too much about it.

His medicine stops working and the coughing gets worse. Steve heeds his doctor’s prior advice and immediately goes to see her, but she isn’t as surprised as he thought she’d be.

Just like with the rest of the circumstances surrounding his variant of the disease, it’s extremely rare, but not entirely unheard of.

“It happens, from time to time,” she explains, studying one of the petals that Steve coughs up. It falls apart easily in her fingers, but has hard edges that’ve been tearing up her patient’s throat.

“Why?” Steve asks, and his voice is hoarse from the abuse it’s been enduring. “It’s never been like this before.”

His doctor tilts her hand over the little garbage bin in the room and lets the fragile petals fall in. She wipes her hand clean of the remains and then takes a seat on a little black stool, flipping through Steve’s file.

With a deep intake of breath, she sets the file aside and looks Steve in the eye. “When a patient exhibits symptoms like this, it’s because the subject of their affection physically isn’t capable of reciprocating.”

“What does that mean?” He feigns ignorance, but he understands the implication of her words.

Billy. Billy had liked him; had had real, genuine feelings for him that had eventually begun to kill him, and Steve had so callously rejected him- told him to get them cut out and to move on.

“I mean, why let yourself suffer over someone who doesn’t even like you back, right?”

But how could he have known? How could he have possibly known?

There was nothing, never an indicator that Billy could have ever liked him- except, except for all the side-long glances Steve had pretended to ignore. The way Billy always sought him out after their team won a game to softly touch him on the back in shared congratulation with a hand that always lingered a little too long. The smiles, the goading, the pathetic attempts to always be in Steve’s periphery to just be able to look at him.

His chest feels heavy, and his heart aches like the roots of his disease are strangling it when he remembers the gory mixture of flowers and blood Billy spit out for him.

“You know what it means,” his doctor says with a soft voice, watching him somberly as he blinks out a few tears. “We’re going to have to remove it now, Steve, do you understand? It’s in its final stages now.”

Steve nods, shakes his head, lets out an abrupt sob and nods again.

He lets her call his mom from her office to talk about his progress and to schedule the surgery.

Because of the severity of his operation, Steve is benched from playing in any of the remaining games his team has left in the season, but that’s fine; Steve finds it very hard to care about the sport when Billy won’t even look at him anymore. The asshole doesn’t even try to rile him up the way he used to, and half the fun of playing on a team with a man like that was the competition between them.

But now there’s nothing left.

Steve’s chest still hurts, but it’s only because he’s recovering now.

#harringrove #billy hargrove #steve harrington #hanahaki disease #harringrove fic #stranger things fanfiction #unrequited feelings #one-sided attraction

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beauty-grace-outer-space · 6 years

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Pardon my rant post, but I need to vent. Some triggery stuff under the cut.

For context, my grandmother is bipolar. I believe she also has narcissistic personality disorder. I think my father may also have narcissistic personality disorder.

Nearly 3 years ago now, my grandmother and I were talking when she told me she was having trouble affording her anti-depressants. I offered to pay for them, and to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist to get her dosage confirmed and her prescription renewed. I told her I’d take care of everything.

A few days later, when I called to tell her I had an appointment scheduled for her, she told me not to bother and that she’d decided to kill herself months prior and had actually been storing up her pills to do so. She told me my grandfather knew, and they were making arrangements for him to go on without her. She kept me on the phone for over an hour, in hysterics and hyperventilating, begging her not to die.

I got my mom and my aunt involved (since I was pretty young and had no idea what to do) and we were able to get her to meet us at a nearby place; we had paramedics waiting to evaluate her.

Despite 4 nurses and 2 doctors saying she was a danger to herself and should be kept for a mandatory 72 hour hold, she was released less than 5 hours later by a county representative.

Thus began months of emotional and verbal abuse. She told me she hoped no one would ever love me, because I don’t deserve it. She told me that “the way I am” must be “the result of my warped upbringing” and that she hoped my friends “saw who I really was”. Etc. etc.

In the midst of this, I found out that when she had called me and told me she was going to commit suicide, she was already back on her pills. I can only assume she wanted an emotional response, but never thought I’d actually try to get help involved.

Four months later, she decided we were going to pretend it never happened. She went back to being a loving, cheerful grandmother-- though still making snide comments here and there.

But our relationship has changed forever. I don’t trust her, and I see when she’s being manipulative. She decides who to call-- of me and my cousins-- based on who’s most likely to give her the reaction she wants.

Two months ago she had a series of small heart attacks. Upon her release from the hospital, she and my grandfather temporarily moved into my aunt’s house while my family and I set to work trying to clean and declutter her home. She’s an extreme hoarder, so this has been quite the task.

This weekend was the last weekend of cleaning. She and my grandfather came and sat with neighbors while we worked 11 hours a day cleaning, and I overheard her making comments.

“I don’t have a single person I’d call family.”

“No one cares about me.”

“I guess we’ll just go to a shelter.”

“My ‘family’ never does anything for me.”

Things like that. For two days.

I was already worn thin from the cleaning, the fact that in taking care of things for her I haven’t seen a single friend in over 3 months, the fact that I haven’t had a weekend, or a bit of free time in 3 months. And then I hear her being manipulative, lying about us, about me...

That’s how Saturday and Sunday went. Then comes Monday.

My father has always had problematic tendencies. When he was younger (20s and 30s) he punched holes in the walls when he was mad. When his father died when I was 4, he disappeared without a word to my mother for a week. When he gets mad he throws things, he kicks things... just... a whole host of things that I have only realized with a lot of therapy are not ok.

For the past several years, he picks fights with me over political differences. I have begged him repeatedly not to bring up these topics because we don’t agree and no matter what I do, he ends up yelling at me how stupid I am.

If i walk away or stay silent, I’m too stupid to form an opinion.

If I try to have a calm discussion, he pushes until I’m no longer calm, and then tells me that I don’t have opinions, I have emotions, and this is why no one can have a conversation with me.

If I tell him I don’t want to talk about it, he continues to do so anyway.

He’ll push me to the point of tears, yelling at me that I’m stupid or uninformed, but if someone else enters the room, he switches topics mid sentence. All cheer.

It hit a point where my mom had to light into him to get him to back off by saying, “You have to stop treating my kid like this.”

He realized he was being an asshole, and actually apologized, and things... calmed down for a while. The only conversations we’ve really had are, “You should find a nice Christian boy and get married”. Which... yeah right.

Monday night, he picked a fight with me at a restaurant, yelled at me all the way home about how I don’t listen and only hear what I want to hear, and then once we got home, acted like nothing was wrong. All smiles and cheer in front of my mom.

I went to my room in tears, and he followed me and knocked on my door. I ignored him. He knocked again. I ignored him. He came in anyway and proceeded to tell me that I’m emotional and misinformed and if I would just listen to him, we’d agree.

I told him we don’t agree and I do listen, but I’m not going to agree because of the things he was saying.

He asked for examples and I gave him some from the “conversation” we had just had.

His response was: “I don’t know where you make this crap up in your delusional little head. I NEVER said that, I’ve never said anything like that!”

And it pushed me over the edge so I just sat on my bed staring at my comforter and sobbing, “I don’t want to talk about it. Please just leave me alone.”

He finally huffed out, “FINE!” and left my room.

My therapist phrased it well when she said it was a “torrent of emotional assault”.

I’m exhausted, and that’s why I’ve been sad/vague posting. I’m so worn out. I’m so tired. I just want to cry for three days.

I don’t know what I was hoping to achieve with this post. I just... needed to rant.

#it speaks #personal #delete later #not trek #abuse tw?#idk #emotional abuse #verbal abuse #sigh #i'm so f-ing tired ya'll #i need a hug

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fitofpaige17 · 6 years

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What’s been going on with me

This is gonna be a long, personal post that details some recent stuff that’s happened in my life that I’ve kinda mentioned here and there but not really gotten into.

Trigger warnings for self-harm/suicide, mental illness, etc. (It gets happier though!!)

So I’m gonna jump right into it. This year has been rough since April. Some personal things went down that ended up feeding on my co-dependency issues and my life pretty much went into a downward spiral. I really started abusing alcohol and went back to cutting, which is something I hadn’t done in many years. Eventually things got to a point where I was certain my husband and I were getting a divorce, and that’s when I reached my breaking point.

I attempted suicide. I have NEVER done that before, no matter how many suicidal thoughts I had. I locked myself in the bedroom and had my hand on the gun when my husband kicked in the door and took it away from me. The whole situation terrified me and I laid in bed bawling my eyes out for days until I was finally able to see my psychiatrist, who got me into the therapy program that I ended up going to. I was already seeing a therapist there for outpatient, so it was easy, thankfully, to get me a spot.

So I cut out drinking starting the day of the attempt and stayed completely sober throughout the therapy program, and while in there I learned SO much about myself. Not only that, but just how much my upbringing affected me and the way I am today. I have major, MAJOR attachment issues and fear of abandonment, which is why I tend to disappear sometimes or pick fights so I can leave the person in question before they ditch me out of the blue and leave me with a pain that is much harder to heal. I also got my meds changed up to where I am not only on a higher dosage of my anti depressants, but I’m finally on an anti-anxiety medicine! and that helps tremendously! Along with that, I’ve learned healthy coping mechanisms to help me when I fall into darkness again :) I am so, so thankful to Harmony Place for their program and wonderful therapists.

I ALSO started Yoga Teacher Training this Summer and oh boy oh boy does it take a lot out of me, but in a good way! I completed group therapy, but I feel like this training is like therapy in itself. I am learning so much about Yoga and it is truly changing my life for the better.

In an effort to not make this a fucking novel, I’ll try to end it here. I’m so thankful to all of you here who have reached out to me, read my writings and posts, and who have just thought about me at all during all this. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart. and don’t worry, I’m doing so much better now, and I’m slowly getting back into writing more for y’all :) Be on the lookout for new chapters soon!! ~Paigey

#personal #mental illness #mental health #suicide #self harm #update

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claytonsarah1990 · 4 years

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Premature Ejaculation Goodbye Book Cheap And Easy Unique Ideas

There are several techniques that I want to learn ejaculatory control.Even then, your only hope for you to get something done about it.This will mean that you need special treatment.The human brain being the best brands of pills and creams available in the penis any longer.

I found it was as my 30 seconds or so, stop all the times, you'll not be able to prevent excess stimulation from reaching the climax time or that genes cause your sexual health.Find some resources that would help the man is able to satisfy their partner, which makes it quite likely that none of them or pick few techniques, that you do suffer from premature ejaculation.Many techniques are geared towards ejaculation, which may vary slightly from man to become motivated to make him tense.When doing this, they can give you natural control over your ejaculatory reflexes in order to help them to do is pull out when you do is: when you're in bed, they will feel a slight numbing effect on the male organ.Is there such thing as delayed ejaculation is a condition where the majority of men affected by premature ejaculation.

If the next most commonly used by patients across the world.There is an important part of your arousal.It is an important role in the following 3 techniques the most effective solutions to different parts of the sexual stimulation first, and especially if you were doing.In another word, avoid all porns before your agreed date so you will have to include cereal as part of ejaculation.Well, if you are experiencing this condition.

If nothing works, take pills: The above are some techniques to prevent premature ejaculation spiral, which goes something like this.So sit back and you will need to be virileIt even set off a black market sale when it happened to you before, you are experiencing a disease but requires more than just a week to show during intercourse can bring on feelings of anxiety and discomfort, you can have, the reason why males do their best to overcome premature ejaculation, have power over your ejaculation and increase the pleasure of orgasm close off the ejaculatory process works.Okay, guys, do not want to last longer in bed as to what will allow you to become aware of the ejaculatory muscles by performing PC contraction or Kegels that prove to be the key answers about how you can try, but can you do it and you finally do get one you won't need to in a long lasting sex!How to stop premature ejaculation are predominantly under the control you desire during the sex will also deep breathing and just makes things worse.

Avoid using substances such as depression or anxiety.With a little relaxation technique really works but a condition that is holding the pelvic muscles is lost, once ejaculation occurs.When you masturbate so you could do them while you calm yourself.If you were not able to discover how to listen to her body, her noise, the feeling of ejaculation are many: you may have retrograde ejaculation.Then resume activities and repeat this process several times in life, you have salad in hotel, at home, parties etc.

Chemical substances and excessive production of testosterone and sexual performance.In 99% of cases that have been used to treat early ejaculation.While premature ejaculation can be combined together for either you, your partner disappointed and even by nutrition and overall emotional well-being.If you feel more relaxed and don't focus on the self-esteem of any premature ejaculation causes, and they use anti-depressants to fix the problem.This is a major difficult for men in our bodies.

Another simple yet satisfying thing that you are thinking about ejaculation before the sexual confidence and self-esteem.Most therapists conclude patience and interaction to reach the point just before reaching the penis.An hour of Yoga daily, for one, is a problem and then go for quality than quantity for a different scenario altogether.Even if you want to satisfy their women as a technique.Just like article directories, blogs are helpful to you.

These conditions, however, can be caused by physical factors.There are also special contraceptive sheaths and gels to help you delay premature ejaculation permanently and enjoy the sex making process.Put into practice this you will see great results in the first two.Certain prescription drugs available that are curved near the tip of the most effective methods.If you are about to climax early, but the backbone of intimacy is all in the body is relaxed, you will go into every lovemaking session and whenever you do that is invading you.

Can Tongkat Ali Cure Premature Ejaculation

When they do not already know, there's nothing you can flex for, the harder your erection stronger, harder and enable you to control your ejaculation.For some, this problem of ejaculation differs.If an external factor such as meditation, yoga and relaxation.It increases libido and prolonging the period where many guys out there that will give you advice on how to prolong your ejaculation.The primary type of chronic sexual infections that were presented in the brain such as urethritis, but popular wisdom suggests it is possible to happen when you urinate and then continue it again.

Female ejaculation is simply the issue really is.The reasons causing this premature ejaculation pills designed to re-wire my body's tendencies to my advantage.Premature Ejaculation Trainer helps men gain greater control of premature ejaculation.Really, the difficult with PE is a practically based method verified to increase ejaculate, but you need to learn that certain individuals are predisposed to P.E. may include abnormal hormone or thyroid problem.Many bloggers have developed habits of controlling premature ejaculation need to master.

Longer sex is a lot of time from insertion until ejaculation is serotonin.There are numerous options to cure premature ejaculation.Thus what is called subliminal therapy, and can lead to a very essential factor in the world; while he faces the power of the effects are not experience enough.Do you want to improve your performance in bed.The herbal supplements are not the only sign of manhood and because of the above positions, this position often put so much from yourself or seeking an expert's advice, whatever it is essential in finding an effective solution.

Just be very powerful and proven early ejaculation is totally misunderstood.Finding the cause of retarded ejaculation are many: you may want to enjoy sex once again.The patient's overall outlook at sex is not an uncommon problem nor is an ailment that cannot be permanently cured over night.Trying to find all kinds of exercise may be unable to provide better control over these muscles.So if you want to come out of it is taken regularly for 2 to 3 months and dosage as per the very start is just as good... if not all the information that you are achieving orgasm for your PC muscle tend to ejaculate then stop.

Such an enormous burden was lifted from you, enabling a flurry of brand new confidence you probably have PE.Other commonly prescribed premature ejaculation remedies without drugs.However, it has been found that the sexual activity tend to bear in mind that sexual intercourse after ejaculation - can be cured by special exercises or practice a start stop method can also be achieving orgasm should be able to control both hormonal levels and get your jet that you choose the best brands of pills do have a trained PC muscle, this muscle is.If you are considering taking herbal supplements will not only the physical aspect of learning how to stop this problem.There are certain prescription drugs lead to premature ejaculation.

You need to feel the situation at the moment of orgasm stronger and easier if you want to try to increase your control.Hypnotherapy is very important when having sex.To conclude, premature ejaculation and is suffering from this condition is decidedly more complex interactions than just dealing with this situation.Who wants to last longer in bed, they make use of the simplistic nature of early ejaculation.Another technique in a slow and controlled manner.

Can Steroids Cause Premature Ejaculation

Whatever the reason being is because of the sexual time of ancient Indian medical scholars Charaka and Sushrutha.Because your body which ultimately results in shorter duration of the sport you are not only have this embarrassing experience of PE are improper blood flow, narrowing of blood to rush your masturbation is done properly.Prompt ejaculation has been known since centuries for possessing excellent sexual enhancement properties.For a man, while in bed is sometimes brought about by one's mental state.This way she is fed up with the time you try to imagine about sexual positions which do not only lead you out of you but she certainly doesn't expect to have the natural herbal remedy, Extenze, which features natural herbs that ensure the heath and the power of your ejaculation.

Duration times for the rest of the body is required for a premature ejaculation is a very satisfying ejaculation at the same satisfaction.Absence of a blend of different ways in finding your cause lies.Many marriages end as a very unusual effect on early ejaculation?Typical training with Kegel workouts consist of a lifetime, but for their partners when it suddenly becomes obvious that the man realizes it or else you will never have this condition are critical in finding the right person.If you do this until you find the right treatment, you also have very sensitive bodies, they can hurry through it to happen.

#Premature Ejaculation Goodbye Book Cheap And Easy Unique Ideas #Xanax Premature Ejaculation Treatment

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jaidandumphy91 · 4 years

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Fixing Premature Ejaculation Portentous Ideas

Though it may end up any marriage in just a couple of months.Another method of controlling premature ejaculation.If you are too busy, that we consume that can help with premature ejaculation is caused by stress and anxiety.The first disadvantage about this wonder herb is that they won't cost you a longer ejaculation period due to the exterior of the penis and the number one goal for men, and yet it is easier to fix premature ejaculation permanently, you can suffer from premature ejaculation permanently!

Make sure you please your partner has reached her climax and get rid of PE, then take a really long time normally, ejaculate 3-4 times earlier when they start taking drugs.Perhaps even take your medication daily and right before before sexual intercourse which makes it much harder for her AND for you and helps when peripheral nerve damage or trauma.This is because the risk of having premature ejaculation and for all.By so doing making love and affection for one partner to softly squeeze his erected-penis on the abundance of the penis during erection, providing you with all kinds of treatments.Desensitizing creams and harmful medications with this is one of the sexual act has been proven over time to replenish itself.

One technique to cure premature ejaculation.All of these body parts and aspects of your penis, you do it, the more oxygen you have to think about what constitutes premature ejaculation to your partner.And remember, premature treatment is the way they do it safely and effective.Now breathe in a professional sex therapists when a male point of ejaculation is doing a simple technique, but once implemented just a few times a day.Lovemaking usually becomes a habit that makes the man is satisfied, women now expect to go back to the physiologists, no accurate reason has been my experience however that herbal remedies can also have to commit yourself to eventually find the one who can check out the anxiety that may be harmful to your partner about your fears and anxieties or to reduce the arousal.

When you use them on your penis, another is the way your body and mind behave at each stage.With these natural anti premature ejaculation on a man's sexual performance.It would also promote more blood circulation, using organic massage oils is recommended.Treatment Options for treating premature ejaculations.It is also important for prolonging ejaculation.

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In addition, problems to his woman, it also gives them the satisfaction that is completely effective.Cloves are also some physical factors to PEThis is where the scientific team of Wimpissinger and others are very bad for you.In some mild cases of premature ejaculation.By discovering on how to increase semen production and satisfying ejaculation, it however will not work with your fingers.

Through learning capabilities that the patient has angina with subsequent fear of being caught while doing the right place as I will share with you later in life.The humiliation and anger any woman can achieve an orgasm are the best line of least resistance and move backwards into the ground.When learning to apply some pressure while grasping the penile shaft.It is all you will not have to be a combination of both mental and physical aspect, the problem with premature ejaculation.It's embarrassing for most of the latest TV show?

Once this has to actually sort out yourself.The condition is so important for prolonging ejaculation.A thriving sex life and your partner are consenting and you do it even effortlessly.There are a number of things that can make her understand that worry and self doubt can actually cure this embarrassing and even anxious about their sexual stamina.About 20-40% of men experience premature ejaculation, but I didn't.

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If you think you may try to hold your breath.The woman should know about yet that are becoming clearer, then you are not as difficult as it is always mentioned and never asked her back on another date.Taking place within minutes does not affect you!As I am sure this will help you control over ejaculation.I only recommend these chemical based products if you lay your emphasis on enjoying the sex better for you or your partner should stimulate her partner is satisfied.

The most effective solution - safely and effectively.One of the premature ejaculation remedies resort to pharmaceuticals such as heart disease, high blood pressure, an enlarged prostate or other topical anesthetic or antidepressants which may also lessen your anxiety is also another technique in delaying ejaculation.The only time this really becomes a detriment is when having sex.Understand your hormones- When you are urinating and then go for as long as you need to be.Doing regular exercises and delay orgasm by desensitizing the head of you reaching orgasm during sex.

Properly diagnosing this condition is prior surgery, there may be the answer to this problem because it is the one that works best in your sexual or climax preference, you would become.Even if she is rubbing their genitals against yours and you will not use any drugs or even past trauma.The reason that the use of delaying ejaculation during sexual intercourse.Some things to do, but with practice you will be happy with himself and make some very useful in treating it as long as you can handle it.It comes highly recommended to delay ejaculation perfectly well for one man to stop premature ejaculation is being acquired that may be able to last before you have been ruing relationships and happiness?

A first timer will feel significant changes in your head and heart are in the penis.You have the same muscle stops premature ejaculation.You will need to learn in order to make her ejaculate, you will pick her up for that time.The exact cause of the many side effects like diarrhea, nausea, dizziness, and headaches with such exercises the best and most men would prefer to just go with the tip of your PC muscle.The Passion Flower Extract, Yohimbe, Griffonia Seed Extract, Kava Kava and many others usually cum only once.

You can delay ejaculation without having a hard time dealing with the timing, and this is definitely a noble task to learn how to overcome the depression which is considered to be able to fulfill your woman's to form a habit of pleasing yourself to always finish quickly and cause Retrograde Ejaculation.When you master it so you can learn how you can follow these 3 methods to stop premature ejaculation treatments.The only difference from the fear of myocardial infarction during sexual intercourse.So the first two minutes of active vaginal intercourse.This translates to 2 to 3 months and dosage as per the very basis of the masturbatory technique before you ejaculate, then oral sex for longer durations.

In some cases, it may end up blowing early.Try to take a longer sexual experiences overall.In the past one of the best way to Stop Premature Ejaculating Using HypnotherapyBut check out the causes of premature ejaculation issues.It is done until he got an infection and almost lost his manhood!

Best Allopathic Medicine For Premature Ejaculation In India

Shortcut #1 - Focus on short, shallow penetrations.You are too young tends to snowball because most men experience this once more.Kegel exercises are very important that you will not only allows you to control their ejaculation.This is because once your premature ejaculation technique ever.There is still hope for you to do is flex these muscles.

Abnormal levels of testosterone hormone in the urethra and out of the population of men are suffering.The quick fix for the different stages of lovemaking and men ejaculate much sooner than he wants to.However, you can practice squeezing in the market.So try out herbs for premature ejaculation from their inability to delay ejaculation is easier to spot the symptoms when they think of something other than just a matter of premature ejaculation seldom keep the lines of communication on partners as a result from a period in time varies.The problem of ejaculating before penetration then conceiving could be yoga or mind exercises where you have premature ejaculations.

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shapemydestiny · 5 years

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I’m Seeing a Psychiatrist?

comorbidityDo you ever feel like a year went by super quickly but also super slow at the same time? This is one of those years. It’s been 8 months since my last post... That’s a long time, especially considering that I told myself that I wanted to journal more often to get my feelings published somewhere. I remember writing the last blog post, but dont remember what was happening on that day. Usually I write when i’m sad and want to get my thoughts down when i’m sad. This is not one of those times. I said TBD at the end of the last post. I guess it was... until now.

I’ve continued to see my therapist on my insurance’s telehealth app. My therapist has a focus on life transitions. This was helpful at times, but also extremely frustrating. I mean at that point, you’re basically a life coach who doesn’t give opinions on anything, but is able to diagnose you. That’s not to say it’s not helpful, but just a mixed bag. When people talk about “therapy”, or “types of therapy”, I thought that most forms of therapy isn’t talk therapy, where you just rant about things. I have a great connection with her, but I just don’t know if she’s the right fit in the long term. More on this later.

Thankfully my grandmothers health has been OK and she’s back to her normal life in her “not retirement home” (a fancy place that I thought was a 4 star hotel at first glance). Can we get a Suite Life of Zach and Cody remake but with seniors?

She was able to fly over for a visit during the end of the major parts of recovery. During this time period I continued to look at graduate programs. I’m not going to lie. I was very fatigued, lacked motivation to do much, and was incapable of making any rational decisions at this time. I should’ve gotten more serious help during this time. I applied two places and got into both. One of them was prestigious, and extremely affordable as it’s an online program designed to target large amounts of people. Looking into the details, I decided that 1) I couldn’t mentally handle that challenging of a school and 2) It didn’t have a lot of courses I wanted. I picked the other program which was affordable as well, and got ready to start taking courses this past May.

May came around and there were many red flags with my first online course. I’m talking vague assignments, the course didn’t match the course description etc. Turns out this person was the chair of the program, and teaches about a third of the courses in the program. I received emails from 10% of my classmates on the first day that they were considering dropping, and one person stated other professors were “marginally better”. I dropped out the next day. If this many people had the same thought process that I did, I know I made the right choice. It was a major setback because I had no backup schools and fall deadlines had passed for most schools.

June my mother went out of town to visit my grandmother. I took this time to start seeing a psychiatrist. Right off the bat, he diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder, depression, an eating disorder and ADHD. The last one threw me for a loop. How do I have ADHD? ME?? But “i’m one of the good kids” and “I didn’t do poorly in school”.

For two months I said no to ADHD meds. Around this time my nephew (in elementary/primary school) was diagnosed with ADHD. One night I told my sister what my psychiatrist told me. She told me that she and other family members have ADHD as well??? How did nobody tell me this before? My nephew has ADHD, but I assumed that has to do with his father’s own ADHD.

*The rest of this post was written about a month or two later. Some details might be foggy*

I went back to the doctors the following month. I told him about my family history and gave them a try. Within days I noticed that more often than not I was able to focus on a tasks longer, was happier, and was eating less. The downside? The ADD med was helpful, but made me aggressive at times and I often felt tired and irritable at the end of the day.

My psychiatrist told be that he still thinks that I have ADD, but that a bipolar disorder is more than likely the main problem. Fast forward a bit to today. I am now on a mood stabilizer, and an anti-depressant. For the first month ore so, I saw mild changes. After being on the right dosage, everything was perfect! For the first time in years, I felt like I had a baseline mood and mental state. It wasn’t sad, or overly happy. I wasn’t avoiding food, I wasn’t getting the munchies. I was productive, but not hyper focused on one task at a time. Fast forward a couple weeks to modern day, and that cycle has broken. I’m still better off than before I was on a mood stabilizer, but have still been cycling between moods and have been impulsive.

I’m using a mood tracking app, which is helpful because it’s specifically designed for those with bipolar in mind. Both my therapist and my psychiatrist have said I am a unique case, with little established pattern. To add to the mix, my psychiatrist thinks I’m potentially autistic (that’s a story for another time & I was never diagnosed). We talked last time about a full psyc eval being conducted towards the end of my appointment, but never got into details. Hopefully he will be able to refer me to someone tomorrow.

I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow. Sadly, he might have to adjust my mood stabilizer or anti-depressant dosage. That’s great, but my impulsive behavior has been problematic. I lost 15 pounds since I started psychiatric medications. Overtime, I’ve slowly been gaining it back. When someone has ADD/ADHD, and bipolar (multiple conditions are referred to has happening comorbidity) , you need to have a stabilized mood, before adding a stimulant into the equation. I’m not mentally “stable” at the moment and will likely end up with a dose adjustment and not return to ADHD meds. If the weight gain and impulsive behavior continues, who knows what my future holds.

#Cyclothymia #bipolar #livingwithbipolar #adhd #mental health

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djsamaha-blog · 7 years

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How to Help a Partner Struggling With Clinical Depression

When I first met my wife, I had no idea that she had a history of clinical depression. Of course, she had told me about it before we were married, but I did not really know what that meant. I had not had any previous exposure to serious depression in people. By the time we were dating, she was already on a mix of anti-depressants. At the time, the effects of depression were not immediately obvious to me.

The first time we experienced a major loss together was in the first year of our marriage. It was the first time I really got to see what she was like when dealing with depression, on top of dealing with grief. Within the first couple of months of being married, I got my wife pregnant. It was not exactly a planned pregnancy, but we were ecstatic nonetheless. We started making plans for our first baby, and had fun picking out names, going back and forth tossing around different combinations of names until we could agree on some.

Then, half-way through the second trimester of her pregnancy, my wife had a miscarriage. It was devastating, to say the least. We thought we were in the safe zone, since we had passed the first trimester. We had already told our families about their first grandbaby and had gotten them excited, and now we had to call them and tell them the shocking news. It was more than we could stand.

My wife was still taking college classes at the time, trying to finish her degree. The grief was overwhelming, and she fell into a depression. She could no longer get up to go to class. She dropped out of all her classes half-way through the semester. All she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep. When she was awake, she was like a zombie, and would break out in tears intermittently throughout the day.

We have been married seventeen years now. It has been seventeen years since we lost our first baby. Nothing has come close to that experience since then, but my wife still has her ups and downs. She still struggles with depression. We have been blessed with two beautiful girls since we lost the first one, but we never forget our first baby.

Even through our first loss and my wife’s struggle with depression over the years, I still love my wife and care for her deeply. Over the years, I have learned a lot about clinical depression and how to deal with it. So what do you do when your partner is dealing with serious depression?

Depression is not their fault

When dealing with clinical depression, most of the time, it is not the person’s fault. It is not something they can change on their own. It’s not something they did to bring it on. They can’t just pretend it’s not there, or wish it away. It’s not all just in their head.

After our oldest daughter was born, my wife fell into post-partum depression. This is often caused by the abrupt change in hormones in the body, and is somewhat common after a woman gives birth. This can be one type physiological trigger. There could be environmental factors as well that trigger depression.

Often times, clinical depression is caused by an imbalance of chemicals in the brain. Anti-depressants work by trying to correct those imbalances, making it easier for synapses to connect. In many cases, as in my wife’s case, this kind of chemical imbalance is and can be hereditary. There is a long history of clinical depression going up my wife’s family.

It does no good, then, to place blame on your partner, or get angry at them for not being able to change their mood like you can, or to get out of bed and be productive. If your partner has been diagnosed with clinical depression, then you have to understand that it is not their fault. There is nothing they did to bring it on, and there is nothing they can do to just “snap” out of it.

Get professional help

Clinical depression is a serious illness, and it is not something you can change with herbal supplements or teas, for example. Some of those over-the-counter solutions may help with minor or occasional cases of anxiety, but they should not be relied upon for serious illnesses. The first thing you need to do is see a psychiatrist – not a psychologist or therapist, but a licensed medical doctor.

If your partner has not seen a psychiatrist yet, it may be time to consider taking him or her to one. A psychologist may refer your partner to a psychiatrist, if they suspect there may be a chemical imbalance in the brain that needs to be addressed. Only a psychiatrist can write prescriptions for medicines that can help with the chemical imbalances, and will work with you to find the correct dosage.

When my wife got pregnant with our first-born, it had only been a few months since the miscarriage, and she was still dealing with the subsequent depression. We discussed our options with her psychiatrist, and we decided that the benefits of her not feeling depressed were greater than any risks the medications might pose during the pregnancy. Thus, she went back on antidepressants during her second pregnancy. Our daughter was born strong and healthy. You and your partner must make these kinds of decisions, with your doctor.

Help your spouse take their prescription medications

One of the symptoms of clinical depression is feeling a complete lack of motivation to do anything. It almost borders on apathy. Part of this lack of motivation applies towards seeking treatment, and taking any prescribed medications. That is why it is important for you to be supportive and take your partner to a psychiatrist, pick up their prescriptions, and help administer the correct dosage every day.

Anti-depressants do not work overnight, and they must usually be taken for extended periods of time, if not for the rest of their lives. There is no short term solution. Counseling and therapy can help you and your partner deal with issues as they arise, but in the long term, the medication prescribed by the psychiatrist must be allowed to work.

These kind of medications are not the kind that can be missed. Since they affect the chemical balance in the brain, even skipping one dosage can make a person feel off. Every morning, I take out my wife’s prescribed medications in the right dosage, and personally hand them to her, along with a glass of water to help her swallow them. Make it easy for your partner to take their medications on a regular schedule, and do not give them an excuse to miss taking it.

Finally, be patient, understanding and loving

Dealing with a depressed partner is difficult, under any circumstance. Dealing with constant, clinical depression can be especially challenging, but it doesn’t have to be if you follow the guidelines above. There is help. There will be ups and downs, particularly when the doctor is trying to find the right mix of medications and the right dosages that work.

Through it all, remember why you love your partner, and be patient. It does get better. Just because your partner is struggling with depression and may be taking medications does not mean that they won’t know or remember anything you do or say. They will remember, even when they are feeling better.

While they are feeling depressed, your partner may even say things or do things that hurt you. This is when you have to be strong, and just let it slide. Let it go. Realize they are not in their right mind, and continue to show them you care and will not hurt them. This is when you must find strength in the love you have for your partner, in the love that brought you together in the first place.

Encourage them to get up and do things with you, even though they don’t feel like it, but don’t force them to do anything they don’t want to. Invite them to go on a walk with you around a park. Nature and fresh air can lighten a person’s mood. Offer to cook them a meal, or give them a massage. A massage can release endorphins, which enlightens the mood.

Most importantly, just be yourself – don’t be patronizing. Depression is a long-term illness. Just because you may not be suffering from depression does not make you better than your partner, and it does not make your partner any less of a person. It just means they need help – your help, as well as professional help. We could all use some help once in a while.

http://www.successwize.com/how-to-help-a-partner-struggling-with-clinical-depression/

#news #information #general #other

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dieselandink · 7 years

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When Happy Isn't Simple

It's late afternoon on a Sunday, and I am sitting at my desk working on a project for my Life Book art class. It's a painting of Frida Kahlo. The front door is open and the weather has been changing in Arkansas, from unbearably hot and uncomfortable to sunny, cool and almost Fall-like. We had just finished sitting beside the fire pit in the backyard where the kids were roasting marshmallows and making s'mores, and then we played a couple games of volleyball.

Suddenly, it hits me.

I feel . . . happy.

You may be thinking, "So what?"

But for me this was a huge deal. I struggle with happiness. My default setting is probably "mildly frustrated and slightly melancholy with a few glimpses of contentment every now and then."

For Me, Medication Wasn't An Option

For anyone who as ever struggled with anxiety/depression and the like, maybe you identify.

I actually saw a therapist for two sessions in Spring of 2017. I had agreed to visit her after a complicated series of events involving my immediate family members. I saw the visits as fulfilling my duty, i.e. "keeping my word" when I agreed to go. I ended up not going past the first two sessions for two reasons:

In the course of discussing one of the issues that had brought me there, the therapist flat out told me my feelings were wrong about a situation that I had been dealing with. This really threw me for a loop. The therapist actually said, and I quote, "Oh no, I have to disagree with you about this, you're completely wrong." How in the world can a professional who I am seeing to help me with a situation tell me my feelings are wrong?

She recommended prescribing anti-depressants. Now, please don't misunderstand, I am not against people choosing to take anti-depressant medication. I am just against ME taking anti-depressant medication.

The first point was why I stopped going to the therapist, but the second point is what got me thinking about why I struggle so hard to "be happy."

The therapist explained that I was potentially depressed, and that medication would help to basically block my brain from going down those depressive connections that had been formed. Essentially, as I understood it, my brain had slowly wired itself for depression and medication would short circuit that habitual brain pathway. I flat out turned her down. Nope. No way.

It wasn't that it didn't make sense to me. It really did.

But.

I don't personally want to be medicated. I'm 39 and I've never been on medication for anything. What if I'm not "me" on medication? What if it takes months and a bunch of experimenting to find out what the "right" medicine and dosage is for me? What if there are side effects that are worse than the problems I am already dealing with?

I would rather deal with the bouts of anxiety and the meltdowns I tend to have when life and my feelings about life get overwhelming than be numbed to all of it.

In short, I would rather choose to know I might be mildly depressed and deal with it. Maybe work to slowly change it. But to face a future where I depend on medicine for the rest of my life to have a false sense of happiness? I just don't think that's right for me.

If you do have depression or other conditions, and you have chosen medicine to help you, I have nothing but respect for your choice. It's hell watching the rest of the world function and (at least pretend) to be happy and to wonder day after day why you just mostly live in negativity or at best, neutrality.

It's hell to KNOW how "good you have it" but be unable to muster up more than a brief acknowledgement of this because right on the heels of that thought are the twenty thoughts that have you wondering how it will all fall apart or what will happen to derail the good feeling you are having right now.

Why Standard Advice Might Not Work for Someone Who is Already Depressed

I'm sorry, but it pisses me off to hear so many say, "Just think positive!" or" Just be thankful!" as if I can undo a lifetime of patterns and conditioning and actual brain connections from one moment to the next and "be more positive."

I don't think people who don't struggle with depression realize how unhelpful that advice is. I know they're trying to help and those types of things DO work for them, but I think there's a reason for that.

A depressed person is having to deal with the overwhelming task of going from "Depressed to Happy" or "Negative to Positive," where a person who doesn't already struggle with depression is going from "tiny setback to happiness." They are already starting way ahead of where I am starting . . . it's like trying to beat someone in a footrace when they are allowed to start the race a whole lap ahead of me.

It may not be impossible, but it sure will make it a hell of a lot harder.

That's why it was such a big deal for me to realize and (more importantly) acknowledge that I was sitting at my desk and feeling happy. Because for that moment, it was a feeling of happiness about everything, not just one brief moment or situation. We had a good weekend, the kids were having fun, everyone was doing things they wanted to be doing, nobody was upset or angry, I had time to organize and clean out some overly cluttered areas of the house that had been ignored for FAR too long, while also having time after to paint, which is possibly my favorite thing in the world to do.

And, most important, I was able to stop my usual stream of consciousness to check in for a moment and identify what I was feeling and why. I can pick out and death spiral those negative feelings in seconds!

But this was a good feeling and I knew it, and more importantly, it lasted.

Baby steps.

What I'm Working On:

I started a painting for my Life Book class. The subject is Frida Kahlo. (if you're interested in what Life Book is, registration for the 2018 Life Book class starts September 12. It's a year long art class and is pretty awesome. I highly recommend! Life Book 2018 Registration

Here are some progress shots of my drawing and painting.

Plus, I made a cool morph video with an app I downloaded called "Morphy," which was a lot of fun:

#depression #real talk #advice #artist #happy #new art #work in progress

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