#my social anxiety was the worst it’s been in years and i was so confused

[why-its-kai]

the urge to quietly exclude yourself from a group activity bc you feel like you are holding everyone back by participating since you don’t understand exactly what to do and you are too shy/socially anxious to even say anything about it plus it will slow everyone down to have to go over everything they already know bc you can’t figure it out on your own 🙃

[howlsofbloodhounds]

I got some assorted headcanons for Nightmare's henchmen because I've been thinking about how many chronic issues those guys are bound to have non-stop lately...

Killer:

He doesn't take care of himself properly, even after he starts taking care of the others. Meaning my guy is most likely gonna have some issues with chronic dehydration, which, in my experience, leads to "fun" things like: long-term and short-term memory issues, struggles with focus, difficulties regulating emotions (meaning, the longer this goes on the more often he might flip between different stages), difficulties sleeping, frequent headaches, chronic fatigue, dizziness and vision blacking out when he gets up from a sitting position, and joint pains.

Being dehydrated also generally makes pre-existent mental issues worse. So the struggles with guilt, self-hatred and all that stuff that is very present at Stage 1 are probably all accentuated by his lack of proper self-care.

Horror:

His skull and empty eye socket both cause him pain often. Especially with switches in temperature or humidity. Because of the positioning of those wounds, that often leads to debilitating headaches and often teeth pain too. He pulls on his bones to try and alleviate the pain because the pressure does help in the moment, but the strain he puts on them always leaves him far more sore after.

The years of starvation also left his bones far more brittle and prone to breakage. He's gonna be extra careful even while doing things like getting out of the shower or sitting down. He would benefit from getting braces and several different kinds of mobility aids, but it's not like he's got access to any of that either in his world or at the castle, so he learns to make do without.

Dust:

Because he's got a high LV and yet his soul is still inside of his body, he experiences a lot of side effects from that. Things like: chest pains, frequent headaches, auditory and visual hallucinations, memory problems, frequent blackouts, disorientation, and bone fragility (though, unlike Horror, his bones aren't more prone to breaking, they're more prone to dusting).

The thin layer of dust that constantly covers his bones causes frequent rashes and irritation. It's not unusual to see red blotches on his bones. Massaging his bones with oil or cremes would help relieve some of his discomfort and I'm sure that Killer does his best to find and steal some for him, but their resources are still limited and his access to it is only temporary. Also, that scarf he always wears doesn't help, what with it being covered in dust. And having his hood always up doesn't help either, since fabric rubbing against his already sensitive and irritated bones is probably Hell. Wearing some lighter and breezy clothing would do wonders for him. (Yes, this is part of my propaganda to put all my faves in pretty dresses. It would look cute and it makes sense, I swear).

Cross:

Old badly healed fractures from his time in the military probably cause him a lot of general pain he's grown used to in the years. But, by far, the worst of his problems come from his and XChara's unusual soul situation. Sharing a soul cannot be easy, and it probably leads to a great deal of disorientation and confusion around their memories and identities.

Not knowing where one ends and the other begins makes social interactions with outsiders to their bond rather difficult. It most likely led Cross to develop a great deal of social anxiety which is why he often tends to isolate himself and suppress most of his emotions. Truly, he tries to minimize the amount of meaningful social interactions he gets because the panic attacks afterward are just not worth it

All skeletons should immediately be put in loose pretty dresses /hj

But honestly I love these very much, they seem very probable. And I can honestly relate to Killer’s dehydration and Horror’s teeth problems, those things suck. (For me tho it’s often because water is a boring drink.)

Also do you think that whenever Killer decides to take the others on his responsibility, does he do things like help Dust rub the cream on his bones, especially with those hard to reach places or extra painful spots? Maybe this is something they’d have to work up to, as doing something like that is a rather vulnerable thing, requiring trust.

I think itd be a cute image though, and maybe if we go with the headcanon that horror is or grows to be a little bigger or taller than Murder and Killer, he offers Murder some of his clothes since they’re bigger and looser. I’d imagine that Killer would have to frequently steal and horde painkillers and numbing medications for the gang, and perhaps manage it all carefully to avoid overuse.

And Dust probably wouldn’t want to wash his scarf, but I wonder if he’d accept a cleaner version of a scarf that looks just like it and just keep the old one as a comfort somewhere in his room.

And I’d imagine that Dust and Horror would have to frequently remind both Killer and Cross/XChara of who they are, where they are, the time and the year.

And very likely have to remind Killer about things multiple times either because he forgot something, or because he was asked to do something but didn’t realize if that experience was real or not. Perhaps they create a little system of asking if they can hold Killer’s hand (or let him hold their hand), to anchor him in reality whenever it seems like he’s not really present or sure.

{ @stellocchia }

Honestly id love to hear more about all of your headcanons. They’re all so detailed.

[23starii]

Pt 1/2 Kenma Kozume X Reader

((Not my photos!!))

Part two here

The game of connection!! ♡︎♥︎♥︎♡︎

Summary: Kenma has been very distracted recently. When Kuroo finally gets kenma to admit why, the upperclassmen will do his best to help out any way he can!

Warning/notes: nervous kenma, social anxiety, crushes, kuroo being the bestest friend ever, concerned for kenma and a silly goose, confusion

"What's wrong, kenma?" Kuroo wondered, looking down at his short friend.

Kenma was quite distracted the past few days. No one could miss it.

Kuroo wasn't going to ask, but after all his teammates expressed their concerns for the setter, he thought it would be best to help any way he could.

Considering it was a free period, and they weren't doing much other than Kuroo practically talking to himself while Kenma stared off into space, not paying a cent of attention, Kuroo Tetsuro figured it wouldn't be the worst time to ask about it.

"What?" Kenma answered, he genuinely hadn't heard what the taller male had said.

"What's bothering you? Everyone can tell somethings up."

"Um..there's nothing wrong. Just uh, video games." Kenma replied, not even trying to sound genuine.

Kuroo was silent for a moment, and for that moment, kenma thought he might leave him alone about it. He was wrong.

"I haven't seen you touch your ds this whole time." Kuroo pointed out, making kenma stiffen up immediately.

He didn't say anything.

"What is it?"

..

Silence.

"Seriously? You don't have to tell me, I guess. I just wanna make sure you're okay." Kuroo sighs.

"It's.." Kenma begins, catching Kuroo off guard.

"It's nothing like that.. I'm not unsafe or sad. Just distracted."

Kuroo was now more lost. What could possibly have kenma distracted from video games?

"By what?"

"..uh..."

"What is it? Is someone bothering you?"

"What? No, nothing like that. Well, maybe."

Kuroo's mind was all over the place. "Maybe"? Who would bother Kenma?

"Maybe?" Kuroo repeated out loud.

"Mhm."

The third year suddenly began to resent Kenma's personality in that moment. He loved the guy, for sure, but damn was it hard to get anything out of him.

"Who the hell is bothering you?"

"..um."

At this point, Kuroo just wanted to tear his own hair out and scream. He just wanted to help. He wanted to be patient, but damn.

"It's a girl."

"..a girl? A girl is bullying you?"

"What? No."

Okay, now Kuroo was way more lost than he was before. So..let's get this straight;

Kenma has been very distracted lately.

He's been distracted because there is someone bothering him.

A girl is bothering him.

But she isn't bullying him?

So then..what's going on? Why is Kenma so distracted by this girl-

..oh

"...is she pretty?" That was the only thing Kuroo Tetsuro could ask in that moment.

And by kenmas reaction.. he could tell. He was right. Kenma has a crush.

The shorter multi colored hair male stiffened at the question. It was for a nanosecond, but Kuroo caught it.

He caught it, and he caught on.

"Um.. I guess so. I don't know. She's weird."

"Weird how?"

"Dunno.. she never stops talking I guess."

"To you? So you made a new friend?"

Kenma glanced at Kuroo for a second then stared at the floor across from them.

"I don't know."

"Huh-"

"She's always talking to me and asking me questions. Is that what you call a friend?"

Kuroo almost laughed.

"Yes. If she's constantly talking with you, I'd say she's your friend. Does she make an effort to spend time with you in class?"

In that moment, Kenma recalled all the past few days when you took the seat in front of his but had it flipped so you would be facing him.

He thought about how yoy asked him what game he was playing and what he had brought for lunch. When you brought him a snack the next day because you noticed he didn't usually bring much to eat.

"I guess so."

"So...do you like her?"

.

.

.

"I guess so.."

Kuroo's brain felt like a spark was going off inside of it. He just got the kenma to admit something like that!

"Cool... does she like you?"

"What? No.. I dont know?" Kenma's eyes darted around nervously.

"Usually, she would be here with me, but I don't know. I dont think she came to school today." Kenma admitted. He had been so distracted during their previous conversation because Kenma had no idea where you were. It was bothering him. He had gotten so used to you and now suddenly you weren't there.

"Oh? Did she get sick or something?" Kuroo questioned. Kenma had told him all of that without him even asking.. he was so proud.

"I dont know."

"Why don't you ask her?"

".."

"You don't have her number?"

"No."

"You know her name, though..don't you? We can search her up." Kuroo suggested. He wasn't all that surprised to find out kenma never got your number.

"I know her name..but, wouldn't that be weird?"

"Why would it be weird?"

"Because I never asked her for anything.."

The 3rd year thought about it for a moment. Something like this wouldn't be hard to decide on for himself..but for Kenma, this must be wayy out of his comfort zone.

"Then ask her for it."

Kenma looked up at Kuroo.

"She's not here?"

"No- I mean next time you see her! And make sure to ask why she wasn't here, so she feels like you care and stuff."

"Um..I dont know."

I don't know??

Kuroo felt helpless. Like Kenma was helpless. Maybe it would be better if Kenma didn't make a move. How would he handle it anyway?

No..Kuroo had to help out his younger friend! No matter what!

"Come on, you gotta do something if you like her.."

"Okay.. I guess I could ask for um her number, maybe."

"Seriously??" Kuroo was most definitely surprised by Kenma today. First, he admits he has a crush, and now he says he'll make a move!

"I'll try.."

"Aw yeah! You totally got this, buddy. I'll help ya out!"

Kenma didn't say anything. Surely Kuroo was more experienced with this kind of thing.. right? It would be best to let the boy help if he wanted you around.

You were the one who spoke to him first, the one that sat next to him and asked him questions.

So far, he had been too nervous and felt too out of place.. but he had to do something. He wasn't bothered by you in the least. If it was anyone else he would be annoyed.

You took an interest in what he did and complimented him. You never got in his way or insulted him.

He didn't want to accidentally push you or scare you away because of his lack of social skills.

And, you were beautiful.

He'd be lying if he said he wasn't a little intimidated by your beauty. He didn't know why someone like you was so interested in someone like him.. but he wasn't complaining in the least.

If you were making such an effort to be his friend, then he should, too.

It had been a while since anyone spoke to him that way. Especially in his own classroom. Most people just left him alone after deciding he was just the quiet, lonely type.

He didn't know what to think. He didn't actually know if he liked you, that way, or not. He only admitted it because it sounded right in the moment when Kuroo asked.

And now.. he had agreed to ask for your number.

It shouldn't be too hard.. or weird, right?

God, if only you'd ask for it yourself.. no. Kenma had to do this. It was for his own good.

I suppose I will have to be brave.

.

.

.

To be continued

[covid-safer-hotties]

Also preserved on our archive

By Sabra Gibbens, MD

It wasn’t always lonely out here. I have been the only permanent doctor in my little country clinic north of Kingston for eight years now, and I previously felt tremendous camaraderie and connection with my hospital-based specialist colleagues and other family physicians in the area. But in the past two years, I have begun to feel alone.

My diagnosis of long COVID came in 2022, after months of investigations. The results of the bloodwork, pulmonary function tests, sleep study, head CT, Holter, and exercise stress tests all came back normal. When I met with a cardiologist to review my symptoms and the abnormal echocardiogram, she confirmed that the persistent shortness of breath, postexertion malaise, insomnia, headaches, and brain fog were caused by long COVID. She never attributed them to anxiety. I was grateful for the validation.

Thankfully, my symptoms have largely improved over the past two years, but because of this experience, I take prevention seriously. I am the weirdo who still requires masks or respirators for all staff and patients in the clinic. I am the outlier who has HEPA filters in the waiting room and exam rooms, who monitors CO2 with my air quality monitor, who cracks the windows, and who asks patients with respiratory symptoms to do rapid SARS-CoV-2 tests at home before they come in.

The primary focus of public health throughout the pandemic has been to prevent severe acute disease and to preserve hospital capacity. Prevention of long COVID, or post-acute sequelae of SARS-CoV-2 infection (PASC), has always seemed like an afterthought, if it gets mentioned at all.

Why do emergency department reports and hospital discharge summaries not mention that my patient tested positive for SARS-CoV-2 (or had “a really bad cold” or “the worst flu ever”) 1 month before they presented to hospital with weakness, falls, confusion, dyspnea, heart failure, acute kidney injury, or non–ST-elevation myocardial infarction? Doesn’t that seem relevant? It does to me.

With the blessing of provincial medical officers of health and regional public health units, most institutions and the general public have adopted the “vax and relax” strategy, When it comes to COVID-19, most public health officials seem more concerned with meeting people where they are and with keeping people calm than with informing and guiding people about risks to their health. I wish I didn’t, but I now have doubts about the willingness of these officials to inform and guide physicians and the public about the next epidemic or pandemic.

The department of family medicine where I trained, as well as most family medicine clinics in my area, made masking and other precautions optional long ago. How quickly optional became rare, then peculiar.

In February 2023, I attended a recruiting event with dozens of local family physicians and residents. Rates of SARS-CoV-2 infections and wastewater levels were very high in our region at that time, so I wore a KN95 respirator. I did not expect to be the only one, but I was. Dang. Awkward.

Social media constantly reminds me that most of the medical community has moved on. It’s a steady stream of pictures of parties and crowded conferences and medical school classes with no one masking. My feed is occasionally interrupted by posts from similarly COVID-conscious physicians who are trying their best not to get COVID-19 or transmit it to patients under their care. Scattered across the Twitterverse, each one of us is a little island of perseverance.

I stopped attending in-person medical events because it is psychologically too difficult. I expect to be the only one masking in the movie theatre or grocery store, but among physician peers? Did they not get the memo? Did I not get the memo?

It wasn’t just one memo; 24 000 papers on the sequalae of COVID-19 have been published since the pandemic started.1 The British Medical Journal published an update on long COVID for primary care in September 2022, and guidance includes a time- and resource-intensive protocol for bloodwork, stress tests, pulmonary function tests, CT scans, and specialist consultations.2 Ontario Health published summary guidance for primary care regarding PASC in December 2022, but it has not been updated.3 The absence of any newer guidance suggests that interest in or funding for this topic has dwindled.

Anyway, I’m headed to a conference in a sunny place next week. It’s mostly an excuse to get away with my family while I brush up on some topics of interest. Of course, I am packing respirators, a CO2 monitor, and a portable HEPA filter. Weirdo? Outlier? Yep. Don’t care. Maybe I feel comfortable doing that for this conference because I’m unlikely to have any ongoing relationship with the other conference attendees. I care more about preserving my health so that I can continue practising medicine, taking care of my community, and enjoying my family than what others might think of me.

I do miss the camaraderie. What would it take to get that back? I had been hoping that the whole medical community would come together to advocate for clean-air standards, masking to protect against airborne pathogens, better vaccines, diagnostics, and therapeutics for PASC. I now realize this is unlikely to happen. I cannot wait for the world to change. I’ve got to find something in me, a mindset that will enable the reconnection, the old sense of belonging and shared purpose. I’m looking. I’ll keep looking.

References ↵Al-Aly Z. Long COVID puzzle pieces are falling into place — the picture is unsettling. The Conversation 2024 July 18. Available: theconversation.com/long-covid-puzzle-pieces-are-falling-into-place-the-picture-is-unsettling-233759 (accessed 2024 July 25).

↵Greenhalgh T, Sivan M, Delaney B, et al. Long covid: an update for primary care. BMJ 2022;378:e072117. doi:10.1136/bmj-2022-072117.

↵Post-COVID-19 condition: guidance for primary care. Toronto: Ontario Health; 2022. Available: www.ontariohealth.ca/sites/ontariohealth/files/2021-12/PostCovidConditionsClinicalGuidance_EN.pdf (accessed 2024 Aug. 5).

[youremyheaven]

hey! kind of off topic but i'm about to finish my rahu mahadasha that i've been in for almost my whole ass life and i'd like to share some of the things i experienced during it. it's not all bad of course, but i personally have found it very hard and if i had seen more people talk about the ugly side of the transit, i think it would've given me a lot of comfort!

(small disclaimer i'm like Pretty Sure these things are caused by the transit based off what i know about rahu, but of course they could be from something else, i'm not an expert at astrology so this stuff is mostly anecdotal. also, my rahu is in pisces in the 11th)

1. Moving and travelling a LOT. not necessarily a bad thing, but as i went into this transit at 3 years old, i never really had a "childhood home" because we moved genuinely every year and sometimes multiple times a year. i think i've moved 12 times since 2020 across cities and countries. on the more positive side, i have gotten to travel a LOT in my life, all across europe and south america, as well as every corner of my home country.

2. TREMENDOUS issues in schooling. i've heard rahu can cause issues with schooling, but oh my gosh i didn't think it would be THAT hard. from the very day i started preschool i hated every second of schooling, the teachers, other kids, the work itself, just absolutely everything about the schooling experience. it got so bad that i started homeschooling in grade 7 due to the anxiety about just... everything. it's almost hard to explain, but just the thought of merely being in a school makes me sick.

3. excelling at foreign languages. not to toot my own horn, but i have always had a knack for learning languages. since i was homeschooled, i had lots of freedom to learn what i wanted at my own pace (which is the silver lining with my school issues), and i always gravitate towards language learning! i'm fluent in two languages, and proficient in 2 more. for a while, my main hobby was learning/decoding other alphabets.

4. social isolation/difficulty . now i'm aware rahu isn't typically associated with isolation like ketu is, so this is mostly anecdotal. since it's in my 11th house, i feel like it's hindered my ability to make friends. however, the friends i do have are foreign to me and majority live in a different country. so again, double edged sword. i definitely had major social isolation issues from ages 12-17. like borderline agoraphobia. and after that when i did make friends, i often found they turned out to be somehow not what i thought (rahu and his love for deception 🙃)

5. mental issues. from what i've read, rahu is associated with obsessive behaviour and delusions. i have ocd, autism, and struggle with anxiety. as a child, i also had frequent nightmares and would have inexplicable paranoia at night as well as a fear of the dark (which i still have at 21 lol)

6. things just not working out. kind of a vague statement i know, but as rahu can decieve you about what you want, i've found so much of my time being wasted by trying new hobbies or meeting new people or trying new lifestyles just for them to straight up fail or turn out to be way worse than what i thought. an example of this would be when i was ~12 i started ballet thinking i was gonna love it and it would be so awesome, but it gave me an eating disorder (obsessive tendencies yk) and i was also ostracized by the teachers and other kids.

those are some of the things i experienced, again it hasn't been the worst per se (especially compared to what certain dashas can do to you lorddd) but as i said i was really confused for a while about what the heck was going on with my life since my rahu dasha was allegedly supposed to be so good, and knowing the darker side of it would've definitely given me some understanding <3

tysm for sharing your experiences, i hope it helps others who are going through similar times <333

people remark on how 'critical' i am of planets/nakshatras or how 'dark' the things i talk about are but truth be told, wouldn't you rather know? i think i trigger the shadow of many people because they want to believe darkness does not reside within every single planet and nak and no one is exempt from behaving a certain way.

to anybody reading, dont be afraid of difficulties and darkness, its a part of life, certain dashas can be vv tough but true purification of that planet's energies is achieved through overcoming challenges associated with it. ride the waves that come your way.

[blushedarmybunny]

After his Shadow part 2 || Jeon Jungkook x Fem Reader

♡ Pairing: Athlete!Jeon Jungkook x fem reader

♡ Word count: 2.5 k

♡ Genre: Angst (m), toxic relationship.

♡ summary:

He is the most loved athlete in Korea, and you are just his girlfriend until after four years you decide to leave him and is the best and at the same time the worst thing you could have ever done.

This is part 2, here is part 1

You stepped out of the car into a sea of flashing lights that blinded you momentarily. Your lawyer and his assistant grabbed your arms and guided you through the hungry press and the public who were clamoring to catch a glimpse of you. 

All you wanted was for this nightmare to be over, but there was nothing you could do until the legal matters were resolved. Jungkook’s fans were there of course, they screamed your name and called for justice, waving protest signs and shouting stupid accusations. You were both intimidated and scared of the outcome, yet you hoped your case would prevail, all this pain should have a paid off. 

As you made your way through the courthouse doors, the shouts and camera clicks seemed to grow louder. Your anxiety grew with each step, wondering if the truth would even matter among so much public outrage, these four years and no one has ever taken your side.

How did you get here? How was Jungkook capable of doing this to you, the so called “love of your life”?

You had been living in self-imposed isolation for a week after the scandal broke when an unexpected visitor knocked at your door. A journalist stood on your porch, trying to pitch an interview. You initially refused whatever she was trying to pitch but she was persistent, showing up day after day, then it started to rain, raindrops pouring all over the porch.  

You invited her in and served her some coffee. "I'm on your side, you know," she said sipping her cup "This guy is a jerk, I know his fans are so loud and that's the reason I'm here, to give you a voice."

You put the mug on the table and stood up from the couch completely uninterested on her offer. 

 "Carrie you are so kind to take interest in my side of the story, but I have to decline," you said to her after a pause.

She stood up from her seat determined.     

"I don't understand, they are crucifying you out there!" Carrie exclaimed but you did not move an inch, it was not new to you "You want disappear, just like that?"  Carrie exclaimed, her voice rising with urgency and frustration.

You gave her a glance indicating your intentions, if she only knew...       

"It calms me even more, that I don't have a clue of what is going on," you confessed. Carrie opened her eyes wider.

"Honey, I thought that you were all lawyered up and bout' to sue your ex," Carrie said with tenacity.     

"Why would you think of that?" You furrowed your brow in confusion.

"Honey, I never reveal my sources," she said taking a step closer to you. "But I mean, it's obvious you have enough material to accuse him of defamation!" 

You shook your head with an ironic smile.

"Jungkook? Korea's beloved star? I'll lose and whatever possible reward it can't compare to being a social pariah."

Carrie nodded and gathered her things. Her voice softened as she said, "Aren't you even curious about what has been the latest tea on your ex?" you walked her to the door.

You doubted at first but gave up "sure, what happened?"     

"He quit football," Carrie said adjusting her glasses , you look at her in surprise but did not reply. Carrie  gave you her business card. "Call me, if you change your mind, remember that your voice is important."  

You closed the door, still in shock. Jungkook had never gone that far, and you weren't sure what to do next. You couldn't hide from the world forever but you wish you could.

………………..

The fact is that you never called Carrie again, you were not a fool to trying to go not only publicly but legally against the most famous and loved athlete in Korea. All the mess that would encounter yourself into was not something you willingly would do, Jungkook just kept dragging you into every mess, even to his own image wrecking scandal.

Yet doubt was your own personal demon. What if there was truth to be told, justice to be found? You replayed Carrie's plea in your mind, but the thought of facing the horde of fans and media filled you with dread.

No thanks. You thought.

The thing is that you had probably never presented in court to accuse him publicly if the next chain of events never happened. It all started when no other than Park Jimin calling you. Park Jimin!

Ex-idol now showbiz sensation, what you later called the agent of chaos in this whole circus, as per usual in this moment of your life you declined whatever he was offering to you, but Jimin wasn’t taking a no for an answer.

“Let me take you out for dinner, please” he pleaded.  

“Why any of you cannot leave me alone? Jungkook is the celebrity here, I’m just trying to live my life” you sighed.  

“oh c’mon, I’m no stranger to you” he said in a low voice. Though you'd made surface level small talk at events, Jungkook's close presence prevented deeper connections.  

“You are not my friend either!” you replied getting irritated.

"Think about it" Jimin pleaded "Let me see you, at least"

“I’m not in Korea, Mr. Park” you told him trying to get him off once for all, in hopes to dissuade him.

“Oh you aren’t? no problem, I’ll go whatever you tell me” Jimin was smooth as per usual.

After the call you thought about it the whole night, what kind of closure is the most appropriate to this whole shitshow?  You still were bitter after all, Jungkook never stopped cheating on you, making you feel less, but all the people were seeing now was a broken man or whatever front he was putting.

So you went to dinner with Park Jimin, letting him smooth talk you into returning to Korea for an interview. He charmed you with alcohol, filling your glass often. His handsome appearance, a forbidden fruit for 4 years under Jungkook's jealousy, further swayed you.

You sensed Jimin's true motive was exploiting your story, but the promise of revenge against Jungkook was too tempting. Reentering your break up scandal felt terrifying, yet liberating.

"You want me to go on your show and trash Jungkook, don’t you?” you accused “Reveal all the dirty details?" you asked Jimin sharply.

Jimin leaned forward, his gaze lingering on yours. "I want to give you a platform to tell your story." His voice dropped lower. "The public deserves to see how gorgeous you are when you're angry."  

With a deep breath, you stood up. Jimin's flirtatious charm both intrigued and unnerved you. But it was time to reenter the storm.

“Ok, I’m in” you sentenced drinking the remaining wine in your glass.

……………………

In under a week, you found yourself back in Korea, sneaking into the country under Jimin's careful arrangements to keep a low profile. You encountered no one as you made your way to the studio, hiding behind sunglasses and a cap.  

Sitting across from him in the blinding studio lights, microphone in hand, you took a deep breath. 

You spoke your truth calmly and quietly, leaving out the most painful and incriminating details of Jungkook's failings. There was no need to slander him also the fear of the crowd made you hold back. But at the end of the day, you simply wanted to give an honest account of your experience to counter the ones sided narrative the public had consumed until now. 

As the interview ended, a peace filled you. You have told as much of your story as you felt was just. Now it was up to the viewers to decide what weight to give your words.  

That peace would not last long. You were naively unaware the interview was live.  

so when you slowly walking to the exit of the studio you did not expect the crowd of paparazzi and curious people flashing their phones cameras in your face.

You came back wanting to curse out loud, you notice Jimin looking at your confused state and you walk on him ready to tell him off.

“I know it’s crazy outside, my driver would take you to your hotel, it’s a black car” he assured you before you could open your mouth “Security will pull everybody out of the way”

You made your second attempt not even looking at what you were doing at the moment you closed the door of the car, the vehicle started moving seconds after.

Imagine your surprise when the voice of Jungkook gives you the jumps care of your life.

“Nice show you just gave” he said flatly, without emotion.

Your head could not have turned faster than it did, right before your eyes, there it was: Jeon Jungkook in the flesh.

“What the hell are you doing here?” you could barely say after a few seconds of silence.

“No-uh” Jungkook said clicking his tongue like you would do to a stray cat to attract him “You don’t get to have an attitude after all this fuckery you just did to me” Jungkook snapped, eyes fixed on the road. “end us like that and despairing was one thing, but getting with Park Jimin?” he enunciated with more force making you flinch, you felt your stomach churn and palms started to sweat.

“Jungkook, you and I know that I did omit a lot of shit” you just said not wanting to keep going with the direction of the conversation, much less with him at the wheel. “No matter what, your damn fans will still be there to condemn me, once again”

Jungkook slammed the wheel in frustration.

The car speeds through the Seoul streets while Jungkook's rage filled rant fills the enclosed space.      

“Fuck, yn are you listening to your self right now!?” he almost screamed you look at him with a little more nervousness “Don’t loose the train of thought here, first you left me and how kind of you for notifying me like it was reminder to buy milk” Jungkook expressed making emphasis on certain words and gesticulating with one hand, eyes still on the road.

“Then you runaway like a fucking coward, despairing from the face of the earth” Jungkook said lowing his voice like a calm before the storm “while I was literally All. Fucked .Up” he gave little punches to the wheel, his intonation making you feel like his words are daggers thrown at you.

Every slam of his fist against the wheel makes you flinch as you notice Jungkook's appearance: gaunt cheeks, dark circles, the subtle shadowing his trembling jaw. His once gentle eyes are now wild and shiny.

“And when you reappear…” Jungkook made a pause “When you fucking reappear I see you dining with that fag park Jimin, and how you are dragging to the mud our 4 year relationship, do you fucking get what I’m saying?!” Jungkook exclaims with a loud voice.

“Jungkook, you need to relax” you told him making your voice calm and recollected.

“oh babe, you are not here to make suggestions, you better shut up and listen” for the first time Jungkook turn for a few seconds to see you, that damn smirk on his lips and a shine on his eyes that was new to you, you didn’t like that at all.

His knuckles turn white as he clutches the wheel, veins standing out against his pale hands. 

“No, no” you shook your head “what you heard on the show, that was it Jungkook, that’s how this ends, there’s no more to talk leave me wherever I’m going to take a tax-“

“You wanted to humiliate me, Yn that was a new low” Jungkook said and then he chuckled “you wanted me to be throw out of my pedestal, didn’t you? So you could have your little heroine moment?” he mocked. “babe, we both coming down” Jungkook sentenced.

You saw a broken, desperate man clinging to the last shreds of his ego and it terrified you.

You brace yourself for the unknown as the car races through the city at increasing speeds. Now all you can do is cling to what little hope remains and pray you both make it through the darkness intact.

You plead him to stop but it was no use, Jungkook only increases the speed. His driving grows even more erratic, the car switching between lanes.

You immediately panic, you look out for the door handle but Jungkook slams the lock down. You're trapped.

Rage deforms Jungkook's once handsome face into a vicious mask. He hits the steering wheel over and over, screaming that he'll make you pay for leaving him that’s the moment your tears blur your vision.

You never meant to push Jungkook this far over the edge but now you fear for your life in this speeding car.

 Suddenly, you hear police sirens behind you. Jungkook’s erratic driving has attained unwanted attention in a city where everyone stays in line. You prayed silently with hope flourishing once again.

“Fuck!” Jungkook curses and slams on the gas.

the police car won’t stop either. A few meters further there is a clear line of traffic, you saw how everything now was going in your favor.

Jungkook once again tries to escape but fails as the third police car blocks his path. You sighted relief.

Both of you were taken to station and then thrown again to the streets where the press was over the moon trying to get the best shot.

It was the very next day after that traumatic experience that you were given papers , turning the pages you realized that his agency was suing you for defamation over the interview.   You scoffed but were not surprised.

At the trial, Jungkook's agency painted you as a crazy ex seeking fame and fortune through damaging Jungkook's reputation. But your lawyer methodically dismantled their arguments.

While you had omitted details in the interview, nothing you said was untrue. And the police report showing Jungkook's erratic and threatening behavior in the car undermined the defamation claim.  

The jury saw through Jungkook's agency's sensational accusations, recognizing you had spoken honestly from a place of hurt.  

When the jury came back with a verdict in your favor, you felt beyond relieved ready to move on to the next chapter of your life.

With the lawsuit behind you, you could finally begin to heal. The scars of your relationship remained, but you had reclaimed your voice and your truth. And sometimes, that's the most we can hope for when love falls apart.

Yes you made Korea look at his beloved athlete with different eyes, and at last you did not felt any once of guilt about it.

[eveistdiepommes]

💕💛 🪞^^ ~

OMG YAYY HIIEEE OKAY I CANT WAIT TO ANSWER!!!! :3

💕- So!! A character that I ABSOLUTELY LOVE AND ADORE but don’t speak a lot about is… well… there are a couple!!

The first one that comes to mind is Romania! And this is a newer favorite of mine!! I mentioned I think in an ask that I’m still catching up on newer hetalia lore and characters and stuff! And I finally got around to reading Romania’s segments and learning more about him and… I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HIM!!! He’s quickly becoming a character I attach to because of his personality, or what I gathered from personal interpretation!

He’s so positive and silly and I think I’ve seen other people describe him as an orange cat! But what I think is very relatable is that he’s charming and positive but ALSO loves folklore and (what other people consider) creepy things! I’ve always been drawn to the macabre, I practice and believe in magic, and it just so happens that my second biggest passion is Vampires (among other supernatural beings and lore!)

Other characters that fall into this category are Japan, Belarus, Ukraine, and Belgium! BIG emphasis on Belgium she’s my favorite hetalia lady!! I used to have a Belgium roleplay account on twitter (before it became confusing 🥹) so if any of you remember waffle mun… hi… that’s me🫶

💛- OKAY!!! A friendship that doesn’t exist in canon but I want to see… I might be biased here, and also I don’t think???? It’s happened in canon??? But they have interacted!! It’s..!!!!! (Drumroll)

Finland and Italy!!!! I think these two would get along so well and I’m biased because they’re my favorite characters (in the ‘im just like them’ category) Finland and Italy are both bright and cheery and sweet! Their kindness would fill the whole room up! But, I also see them as two very anxious people (IM PROJECTING AAAAH) I usually portray Finland with OCD, as I’ve been coping with my own OCD after coming off of anxiety medicine. And in the same vein, I’ve always portrayed Italy as an extrovert who is also socially anxious (and sometimes socially unaware.) I think these two could help each other in moments of stress, as I’ve always noticed I forget my anxiety when I see a loved one in trouble! The need to help people you care about almost always overrides fear, and I think their friendship would be beneficial to both of them!

(Also another friendship I’d love to see is Canada and Italy, but I could dedicate a whole post to that BAHAH)

🪞- YES! I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN MEANING TO TALK ABOUT THIS!!! Also, heads up, this is gonna get a bit personal!!

It’s no secret Finland is my favorite character! And that’s for a multitude of reasons. But I actually first got very attached to him because of how he was physically portrayed. He’s short, chubby, rounded. I used to be very chubby because medicine made me gain a lot of weight (the same anxiety medicine I mentioned I got off of!) Well, last month actually marked a year of being off it, and within that year, I lost all the weight I gained (45 pounds!) Of course, this also was because I started exercising a bit more and stuff!! But all in all, I’m very proud of how far I’ve come and I love how I look!

All of this is to say, I give Finland my body type. While I am short and slim, I’m by no means a twig! My portrayal of Finland still has a soft tummy and rounded face and thicker arms and thighs! It’s mostly my height I give him, making him the second shortest Nordic, but even then… he’s still taller than me 🥹 (I’m 5’2” / 158 cm for reference!!) I know a lot of people portray Finland as chubbier/fatter and let me tell you THAT IS AMAZING AND CORRECT AND BEAUTIFUL!!!!! I LOVE CHUBBY FINLAND TO THE DAY I DIE!!!!!!! The only reason I give him my body type as I grow and change is just for the simple fact that I am very attached to him! I see myself when I look at him, which probably sounds really silly! But these stupid hetalia characters have been with me at my worst moments, have been with me through hospital visits, and they give me a lot to look forward to!

WOW THESE ANSWERS GOT DEEPER THAN I ANTICIPATED!!! ANYWAYS!! THANK YOU FOR INDULGING ME!!! 🥹🫶

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hello Steph!

Ace Awareness week is already over, but I'd be really happy if I could ask you something about being a-spec. I'm honestly not sure who to ask irl and I feel like I've learned a lot on your blog, that's why I'm sharing this with you. I really hope this isn't too long or personal. If it is, please ignore it and thank you for reading <3.

So, I recently found out for myself that I'm pan(-sex.&-rom.) and platoniromantic (whee, there's a word for it! and I'm not automatically a creep! whoop!) For me it means, I basically have crushes on all of my friends at all times, (but Lgbt wiki says it falls under the aromantic-umbrella) which can get a bit awkward.

Growing up as a girl with my female friends, I've been confused by how physically affectionate they were (Hugs, and hand holding; Platonically sharing the bed etc.) bc I don't think any of them were sapphic. It was just cute and sweet for them, but they didn't want more. As a consequence I've been careful not to act on those feelings and not make my friends uncomfortable or abuse their trust(hence why I thought I'm creepy); the times I hinted at taking it further, they never seemed to be interested (I mean, what are the chances they're even sapphic?) It's kind of been the same with my bi/straight male friends. My dating pool is basically my small rl friend group (currently 2 lovely women), but I guess that way it's less likely they're also like me romantically back?

Over the years, it's just caused me a bit of heartbreak, because I have cared deeply about my friends and crave a closer romantic connection to someone. And, I mean, I do think it's kinda sweet that when my lizard-brain sees something friend-shaped, it wants to put a ring on it, but I don't really know how to proceed from here.

I'm honestly embarrassed that I'm already in my mid-twenties and have so little experience (no romantic/sexual relationships, not even proper kissing) (partly bc the pandemic struck 1 year after I got out of school). Do you maybe have some advice on how to meet people that 'match'? I'm quite shy and people usually call me uptight, so I haven't really been to any queer spaces in rl bc I'm a bit intimidated. Like, I don't seem particularly queer and I'm not great at talking about these things (I'm not even out to my family yet). Heck, for the longest time I thought I'm straight and just doing friendships wrong.

I'd appreciate a morsel of your wisdom, but it's also been really nice to just be able to share this with someone. It's made me feel less weird. Thank you.

Hey Nonny *HUGS*

Never ever hesitate to ask a question here... sometimes I answer them, sometimes I don't, but I try my best! <3 Especially asks about asexuality, because I like sharing the stuff I learned on my journey, AND I also enjoy researching to learn more as I reply to these asks!

So, OOOF, romance is definitely not something I know a lot about. And PLEASE don't be embarrassed at all. It's society that engrains this horrid notion that if you're in your 20s and you still haven't met someone / had sex, you're all dried up and no good (hence all the terrible ageism in fandom spaces). Nonny, I'm in my 40s and I've never had a serious relationship – sexual nor romantic – in my entire life. I crave wanting to be in love, but sadly it's not something that's probably ever in my future. And that said, I am LITERALLY the worst person to ask advice on how to "meet people" – I'm neurotic and introverted with horrid social anxiety, so meeting new people for me is a months-long prep period for me. And because I'm ace, I feel like sites like tinder and bumble aren't going to welcome me, so I've just... never tried.

Pfff so I suppose probably looking into community groups in your area, or joining social program (both things I haven't done because – you know – anxious). A-spec relationships are tough, it seems, because some of us such as myself just want to meet someone I can cuddle and love and spend all my time with for the rest of my life, while others might want the sex but not the romance... it's tough. Honestly there's no right answer I can offer you, mainly because I'm very inexperienced myself.

For me, I take joy in loving the people in my life in the various roles they play in it: my coworkers, my sister, my besties, and my family all have different attachments to me. I care about them all, and it's fulfilling in its own way. And I DO want a partner, if one will ever have me, but it's not a necessity to make life fulfilling for me.

I also haven't really been to queer spaces IRL either other than Pride and the cons I've visited, but yeah I feel like I'm going to be intruding because I'm not outgoing myself. I really wish I had the right answer for you, Lovely. I'd like to know myself. I feel like, sometimes, that I just got in too late.

ANYWAY, sorry if this isn't a good reply nor make you feel better, but I'm happy you felt comfy enough to share your story with me. Asks like this one make ME feel less alone too, Nonny. *HUGS**

If anyone has any advice, please feel free to add onto this post <3

[oftlunarialmoon]

REAL TALK- Living with Anxiety

originally posted to www.onlyfunthings.org on February 08, 2017

Ciao lovelies! Today’s post is another REAL TALK post, meaning it includes anecdotes, and some content not suitable for younger readers (possibly, depending on your sensitivities.) Today’s REAL TALK is about living with Anxiety.

I wanna start by throwing out some general statements to outline the general idea here. Anxiety is a real problem. Many children, teens and adults in America face it, in fact, 5.7 % of adults in the USA have severe generalized anxiety, 25.1 % of teens 13-18 have anxiety that lingers through their lifetime, and 28.8 % of adults have any kind of anxiety, with the average age of onset being a mere eleven years old. (source-https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/prevalence/any-anxiety-disorder-among-adults.shtml thank you to the anon in the comments for finding the better link! ). Anxiety is a horribly prevalent disease, bordering on an epidemic. Yet many don’t talk about this subject, dismissing it as “just nerves” and the like. But Anxiety can really control and ruin your life. There are many different types of Anxiety, the most common being generalized and social.

I, myself, have Anxiety, and it is a constant challenge to overcome it to do the things I love.

I love to go to conventions and cosplay, but at first, my Social Anxiety made it impossible.  I would have Anxiety and Panic attacks when going to conventions. I couldn’t go into the crowded dealers rooms and I certainly couldn’t ask my favorite cosplayers for a photo. My first few conventions were no fun because of my Anxiety.

But I wanted to enjoy my conventions. So I pushed myself into the situations that scared me. I even got to the point where I could host a panel!

Am I saying that you should force yourself into uncomfortable situations to overcome your Anxiety? NO. Anxiety attacks are horrible experiences that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. The feeling of your chest tightening, the fight-or-flight response making your body shaky, the confusing and vulnerable headspace...It's awful.

No, to be honest, I don’t really know a healthy way to “overcome” Anxiety disorders. I know ways to help cope, however.

I personally prefer physical coping mechanisms. Things like fidget toys occupy my hands when they anxiously want to fidget, breathing techniques can help calm my chest, and even chewing gum can help curb anxious feelings.

When all else fails, I allot myself the time required to come down from an Anxiety Attack.

I also utilize ASMR videos to help with night time Anxiety, and insomnia and nightmares from Anxiety.

I think that everyone is different when it comes to what helps with Anxiety. There is not one universal method. But I encourage you to try out different methods! It may surprise you what works for you!

Here are some other techniques I’ve seen to cope with Anxiety and symptoms:

-Aroma Therapy: apparently, scents like lavender and citrus have been said to calm the mind. (Sources-  http://www.healthyandnaturalworld.com/best-essential-oils-anxiety-depression/

http://info.achs.edu/blog/depression-and-anxiety-can-essential-oils-help )

-Herbal Tea: Teas like Chamomile and rose can help with Anxiety symptoms.  

 (Source- http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/treatment/healing-tea

http://www.naturalnews.com/043048_herbal_tea_anxiety_relaxation.html )

-Watching Slime Videos: Many people have said slime videos help with their anxiety. I have covered the rise of the “Slime Trend” before, but never really included any videos, so watch the video below to see if slime videos work for you!

-Coloring Books: Coloring books like these adult coloring books have surged into popularity as a tool for anxiety sufferers. 

Please just know that you are not alone. Remember, 28% of American adults have some form of Anxiety. Talking about Anxiety and other mental difficulties has become much more socially acceptable now, so never feel afraid to talk about it.

Here are some more resources for Anxiety Sufferers:

How to recognize a panic attack

How to cope with a panic attack

Thank you all for reading, I’ll see you in my next post!

Stay strong and remember to love yourself!

[looosey]

Lucy's DDR #1: I Love Dance

My parents and friends think I love to dance. They know without me saying it. In fact, a conversation I had with two NH Medlinks (i.e. my Desmond friend and his H4 friend) went like this:

H4 friend: Oh how do you know (NH4 girl 1) and (NH4 girl 2)? Do you dance? My friend: Does she dance? All she does is dance. H4 friend: Oh cool! Are you in ADT?

Which I found very fonny. No I am not. But alas, for the past two years till now, I have always been dancing, and I really really enjoy it, and I want to get better, and I think I do really love it!

But sometimes, it's hard to love it.

Today I want to talk about a big thing I see in dancers at MIT around me, which is that they have a very stressful relationship with dance. "I might quit all dance next semester," and "The MIT dance community is so toxic," and "I don't know if I want to do <xyz advanced team> next semester or just quit" are phrases I hear often from friends who always end up dancing anywhere from 3-9 hours a week.

They love it, but they hate it. The feelings are so extreme, I think, because dance is a social activity. You make friends, close friends, through dance troupe, ADT, or teams. But with dance, you're also auditioning, getting evaluated and cut, watching yourself side by side with others, being recorded, being talked about, and talking about others. It's a social activity.

And if you start thinking about how good your other peers are compared to you, the deep deep blackhole of dance-is-the-devil is slippery and treacherous. Despite them coming in with more experience, or putting in more hours than you at the expense of grades, sleep, or social life, or having been an athlete before, etc. All of my fellow friends who started dance in college, we've talked about this shared anxiety, but yet. We're all still dancing.

Dance. Dance. Four total semesters now. Why?

My favorite semester ever dance-wise was sophomore fall. Coming back from Korea, where I took a class a week at the famous 1Million and JustJerk dance studios, I was made pretty well aware that MIT was just a spec in the dance world. Thus, I was on my own journey to enjoy the art form and become professional grade good, whether or not MIT's competitive teams wanted me as a dancer did not matter. So, in September, I joined MissBehavior, did a DT dance, and took an MIT Theater dept. class in Hip Hop Dance History and Practice.

McKersin, the lecturer, taught us the history, shared the culture, opened my eyes to the Boston scene. He became the first person ever to tell me... "you need to practice" in an objective but well-meaning way. Previously, choreo workshops and Dance Troupe were fun and good to me, but in the vacuum of no-feedback-ever, I remained convinced that I was great at dancing, and thus was so confused all the time when I got rejected from competitive auditions. Now I was beginning to know.

I practiced freestyle dance and learned choreo from videos on my own, late into the night at BC dance studio. Recording myself, and gritting my teeth as I watched my own recordings. Yuck. Dumpster trash on fire, the stench coming from those videos.

But the way my dance progress became my own? So valuable to me. Thus, I improved.

I'm on a team now, and slightly deeper in the "dance as a social activity" thing both in MIT and the Boston community. Many times, I also struggle. I think I suck, look at that guy who probably only started this year he's so much cleaner than me. And that puts me in the worst bottom of the barrel mood for an entire day. Literally, makes me feel physical pain. But I never hate on dance. It's usually myself that I hate, which is not any better.

I write this on a special day: my first day ever being picked by a choreog in a workshop. You know? As the first subgroup to record? It means you're good. It was an affirmation that I'm doing okay, after a recent wave of self-hatred, actually. Even if I don't hate dance, I struggle a lot with comparing myself, and thinking I'm actually trash and not getting better, which is the root of my friends' problems too. I'm trynna overcome this and share a positive view of dance, like the energy of today's choreographer: it's fun to do and it's safe here.

This post is a reminder to future Lucy that actually, this journey has been one of great memories and progress. So, don't hate yourself, or the art. Be kind to yourself and others. Dance. Dance. Revolution.

[steelthroat]

I just remembered the worst gay panic (pan, but pan-panic sounds silly) of my entire life so far, and I thought I'd share because it's absolutely stupid, but hilarious.

I was 16/17 years old and I had to go to the hospital for some exams, and things were already going weirdly because they hadn't registered me but they noticed it was their fault so they still let me make that visit for free even tho officially I've never been there.

I was tired, sleep-deprived, hungry, and stressed, and it had been 3 hours since we arrived there. My mum was befriending even the walls of the hospital while I was ready to commit arson. It's finally my turn, I enter this room, and my gaze meets a dozen very attractive women ready to take notes as I sit down, ready to talk about my health. And that's how I learned.

This was also a school or something. idk some hospitals do this thing.

I panicked.

"Oh... there are many- people here" I commented as my social anxiety consumed my very essence. And my mother, bless her soul with fire, jokingly answered "It could have been worse, they could have been handsome young men. WOMAN, YOU KNOW IT CHANGES NOTHING. And at that exact moment a young doctor comes in and everyone starts laughing while I wanted to bury myself and the doctor looked at the girls and my mum confused.

The visit started, and they asked me questions, and I stuttered like an idiot and I also forgot my height, apparently. But the worst moment was when I had to strip and as I take off my shirt I remembered I had my pride bracelet (I never take it off, so yeah I completely forgot) and I died inside. I was red like a tomato, even my shoulders were red, and I was like "Please don't hate-crime me" and "this is the best last moment of my life" mentally as the visit went on.

I just imagine this group of students having me as a patient, a queer anxious teenager stiff like a corpse, with the same complexion as one and the expression of a deer in front of a truck at 2 am on a highway.

Fun times. At least they weren't psychology majors, I would have died on the spot if they were.

Also, if someone is curious, I had (still have) severe vitamin D deficiency, and my hormones were acting weirdly or something. So yeah, no, my health was shit and I'll blame my awkwardness on that.

[rewritingtrauma]

The Invisible Illness: Living with Long COVID ME

Two and a half years ago, my life took an unexpected turn. After a long COVID-19 infection that left me almost bed bound for a month, I tried to rebound and get back to “life as usual” but every effort seemed to be redoubled with exhaustion, pain, dizziness, palpitations, and confusion. I kept pushing - returning to freelance and employed work, to all of the house and garden chores, to maintaining the allotment, to socialising… But it was like being immersed in mud, with the worst hangover I’ve ever experienced, every day. Still, I kept pushing, thinking this was just temporary, that I would get through, get better, be “back on form”. But over the four months that followed, with increasingly frequent crashes (that left me, at times, unable to even walk) I ran myself into the ground. What followed has been a relentless struggle with Long COVID ME. It's a condition, or cluster of conditions, that has drastically altered my daily life, and one that many people still don't fully understand.

The Daily Grind

Every day is a unique challenge. The constant fatigue is debilitating, and even the slightest exertion can trigger a bout of severe post-exertional malaise. I wake up at 2 AM, night after night, my body refusing to rest (perpetually overstimulated nervous system). Pain, a persistent and sprightly companion, dances throughout my body - headaches, muscle aches, nerve pain, eye pain, sometimes it feels as though my skeleton is aching. I experience, at times extreme, sensitivity to noise and light, which can make being outside or in public spaces overwhelming to impossible. It’s an interesting and entirely horrible experience, that sensory overwhelm, like 360 degrees of nails being dragged down chalkboards as someone gives an impossibly dry lecture on quantum mechanics that you are on pain of death to absorb and remember for a test which is happening yesterday… And then there’s the fevers, the orthostatic intolerance, the dizziness, the balance problems, the changes in my sense of taste and smell, the depression, derealization, and anxiety… 

The worst part for me, even beside the loneliness that physical isolation causes, is the brain fog, or Cognitive Dysfunction. I feel entirely unlike myself… My memory, which was always unreliable, has become completely faulty, words disappear like melting ice caps, and even simple tasks become insurmountably complex puzzles. The world around me often feels like a confusing, unmappable cacophony of sensory noise. I involuntarily check out in the middle of conversations, not out of choice but because my information processing engine has sputtered and died and I’m suddenly adrift somewhere… and i see it, in the faces of the people who are talking, when it happens: they become irritated, bewildered, or worst of all, judgemental. I’m deemed stupid, spacey, or disengaged. When in reality, I can’t control it any more than I can control the direction of the wind. 

It's disheartening when people say to me, "You look well." I know their intentions are good and that, in their world, it is a compliment to look well but those words clash so completely with my reality - with the invisible battle I face constantly, and everyday. Every social interaction, every text message exchange, drains my limited energy. The Iris you see on a good day (and you will likely only see me on good days or else high-masking average days) is just a glimpse of who I am. The majority of my days are marked by average or poor health, where cooking a meal or walking a short distance becomes a significant challenge. Good days take a lot of preparation: if I know I have a social appointment, a meeting, or something I need to be "OK" for, I have to take things very easy in the three-to-five days prior. And "very easy" from someone with chronic illness looks like a proper sick day for someone without. So, when I can't be spontaneous, accept that last minute invitation, please know this is why. Then, on the worst days, I'm confined to bed, a prisoner in my own body. Thankfully, I have fewer of those days now but the price of that is a life which is much, much smaller and quieter than anything I could ever have imagined.

Radical Acceptance 

I am such a long way from the person I was three years ago. It wasn’t even three years ago that I was getting married, dancing and singing all night, when I cycled every day, swam every week, gardened all weekend, hiked, made art… Now, most days, it’s good if I make it out of the house. Nowadays, I’m 23 kilos heavier than I was three years ago. I get vertiginously dizzy and out of breath just taking the stairs. The cognitive dysfunction makes things like this (writing a blog) a mission which takes four to eight times as long as it would have three years ago and, when I’m finished, I know my brain will be of such a calibre of mush that the best I can hope for is a day of sitting without too much noise, light, or pain.

Everyday I get some degree of boredom, frustration. Most days I cry. Some days I think of ending it all. It has been very hard to have a sense of a future when you can’t work, are unsupported financially by the state i.e. can’t afford to live, when you are this socially isolated, and when all the things you were dreaming of are - on this health trajectory - impossible. When the things you used to do that gave your life shape and meaning are impossible (movement, drawing, socializing). And then, some days, there are these moments - glimpses - when I accept what is happening to me, when I forget the past and the future, and just for a moment, everything just is. Those moments might be the key to what will save me - moments of radical acceptance. They may be crumbs at present but perhaps a path of them will lead me out ofthe darkness…

The Unseen Struggle

Long COVID ME is an invisible illness affecing tens, possible hundreds, of thousands of folk in the UK today. It's a condition that often goes unrecognized, misunderstood, and dismissed. It can be a constant struggle, a daily fight for normalcy, for recognition, and for acceptance. I’ve had GPs roll their eyes, shrug their shoulders, as though I’m making it up. And yet, these experiences are real. I wish they weren’t. I spend a good majority of my time in brain retraining programmes, doing EFT, meditating, therapy, practicing DBT and yoga nidra, all to try and reregulate my nervous system, to get well again.  I yearn for a life free from pain, fatigue, and cognitive fog. At the same time, I know that change only happens once we fully accept where we are now. 

I hope that sharing my experiences will shed light on this debilitating condition. I’m sure there will be people you know, possibly you even, who are going through similar. If you would like to know more about Long Covid ME, there are a few resources I recommend. Let’s keep this conversation and awareness of Long Covid ME alive: 

The ME Assosiation - advocacy, information and support for people and their familiies living with ME and Long Covid: The ME Association - The ME Association

National Institute for Clinical Excellence (NICE) - Guidelines on the diagnosis and treatment of ME and Long COVID in the UK which can be very useful for getting both.

The Long Covid Podcast Long Covid Podcast Podcast - Apple Podcasts

Visible health tracker (great for getting data on Heart rate, Heart Rate Variability and for tracking symptoms, also they are involved in a lot of studies into Long Covid & ME): Visible - Activity tracking for Long Covid and ME/CFS

[koizstar]

Hey friend,

I found myself back in the same hole I’ve lived in for many years. I can’t explain the feeling, though it’s different from before. Overwhelming thoughts of my past rising up unwelcome. I keep thinking about Smoker from Fire Force and his search for an answer as to why the world sucks so much. I started feeling the same way. I sit alone for my pity party and what’s become of me from the built up trauma in my head. Some days I cry, other days I’m numb to it. I get a feeling in my nose and I can feel the tears well up as I think and feel bad for myself. I’m pretty worthless, and the only value I hold for myself is a superficial element that even I can’t fully believe. Another half measure in my life.

I’ve been trying to work up the courage to be more vulnerable so the world can see me once more. I’ve been trying to find my voice again because I’ve developed extreme social anxiety due to my isolation. I get confused in my personality when I’m around others. Do I just want to be liked? Or am I uncomfortable being around happiness. Maybe I don’t feel so deserving of it, or it could be that I am uncomfortable in the normal world. Why?

I’ve been trying to look for therapists for a long time now. Nothing really works out. The expenses are too high and my insurance doesn’t cover much and everything is online now, which isn’t the worst thing but I need a soul’s presence in front of me when i cut myself open. They’d see black sludge, toxic and all. I can never believe the compliments people give me, because I can’t convince myself it’s real.

Some days I’m really fine. I believe it when he tells me it’s okay everything is going to be okay and this moment is fine as it is. I am okay where I’m at, but then I get hit with my reality and thoughts of the future. My life shakes me. My depression never left, it just lays dormant until the next eruption. Everything is so hard for me to process. As time passes by I believe I’ll lose more of my cognitive functions and become so far away from how a person should be in society.

I can’t live this normal life with you. I’m not a great pretender, and I don’t have half of what the people around me do to make things happen. Everything I’ve got is running low, like a dimming flame. I don’t know what it is. Or maybe I can’t figure out where to start.

[soupandsammiesanon]

i’ve been actively researching about autism for the past year because i think i’m autistic! it’s been such a journey dude. like four months into my research i went through the worst bought of burnout in my life. the stress from my job, masking, and everything else was giving me anxiety induced tics. i was having stress dreams about work where i would wake up in a cold sweat. i was having verbal tics as well. none of that had ever happened before! i was working nearly 40 hours a week and i was exhausted every single day. i had to quit, so i did! ALSO the same week my childhood dog died :/ i had the tics and stress and dreams for another few weeks. i tried to gain strength after that even though i was confused, exhausted, scared, and ANGRY. i did a lot of resting and job searching during that period. then came my college graduation! i was not excited, i felt like i learned nothing and that i was an imposter! at least i looked cute! then i went to my first concert in 4 years and had an immense clarity come upon me! i felt like all the exhaustion, masking, grief, anger, sadness, and shame was all meant to happen because i had to get to that moment! i spent the next week trying to accept the fact that i need accommodations, that i wasn’t broken, that i could go back to work, that i was worth being friends with, i was worth the effort to come back from what felt like massive failure, and that i could just simply make it each day!

it’s been about 8 months since graduation and the concert, and around 1 year since i self diagnosed. i’m a lot more at peace day-to-day. the anxiety is lower but i still struggle. i have issues with social cues, sensory issues with clothes, sounds, textures, and a multitude of other things. but i feel a bit more whole coming to terms that i’m autistic. less lost, more understanding, more patient with myself and becoming more hot sexy and swag :)

i still come on tumblr to seek out the experience of other autistic people! my experiences differ from others as i have lower support needs.

thank you for listening! and if you have any words of warning, support, advice, or anything plz feel free to share :)

[infuseddopamine]

2024 FTW

I think 2023 was one of the toughest year, where I got the experience of the ultimate toxic workplace, more than any other workplace I've ever been, as I already moved to 7 companies already, that was one ultimate hell (please let it be the toughest, no more no more)

But I can't say it's the worst year, because I still feel 2019 was the worst, but every other year, I also had my struggle, like 2022 it was nice overall, but January that year was the toughest that it actually changes the way I see towards health. But yes, 2023 was tough in its own way, especially for my career progress.

Let's review 2023.

2023 is the year when I got one of the fastest career progress, but also tortured so intensely, in the end I was left with a wound, I'm not sure it's dried already or not, since even until now, I still feel like a scaredy cat, and I can't hide it. Everything still feels so intense, that every new things give myself a certain anxiety that is quite high compared to when I wasn't faced with the toxic environment. I can say that, I still want to runaway most of the times, but I acknowledge that the only way to heal is to face the fear.

But also 2023 taught me about perseverance is like to two edged sword, where you gain something for hanging on so hard (you learn things for sure), and also you lose something for hanging on for too long (losing yourself). But in the end, living is just about that, gaining and losing. You gain experiences, get wiser, earn more (as well), but you lose your naivety, miss your old self (that hasn't got scarred fro a hard battle), lose your confidence in facing life, because now you know better that you don't know a thing about life, especially controlling what will happen to yourself.

My expectation towards life become more realistic, I don't expect things big, I just wish a well fulfilled easy life. But realistically speaking, I also realized that's a hard expectation to achieve.

Other than that, I also grow a new view of becoming less materialistic, I hate when people talk about branded stuff and another accomplishment of owning things. I hate that we need to be associated with belongings. Maybe part of this new belief coming from the social media algorithm that I was being pushed: 'slow living' or 'the beauty of taking it slow' when I was on my most stressed state. You know that usually you lean toward extreme side because the algorithm keep pushing the same related content, and somehow it resonates in my brain now I become more 'leftish' that also associated with socialism, lol. But wait, I think I'm more a hippy tho.

But at the same time, I can't help myself to also think about it, especially when I surround myself with people who think materials and possessions as the important parts of their life. It's one of the tools to be accepted in the society. So somehow you also need to show off.

Hhhh, I'm tired of needed to be always in between, be materialistic, but not too much, you also need to be frugal. Like, you need to be skinny, but not too skinny that you look sick. Also like, you need to be pushy, but not too pushy that you push people away. Also, you need to be a warm person, but also not too warm, so you can still be demanding.

I think the concept of being in between becoming quite confusing in the end to me. Because in the end, you can only know when to play which part or side as you gain the experience. Well, then only with time can tell. For now, be receptive, be adaptive, and be agile are the only ways to survive, until you experience most of the things yourself, the recipe of handling life obstacles.

It's funny how when you get older, you got even more confused about life. You become less decisive. And I'm afraid becoming indecisive as a personality I pick in this life, while as you get older, you becoming more glued on certain personalities. But it's also part of growing old, as you become more careful deciding things, because now, you have more to things to lose. It's no longer a 'nothing to lose' kind of age.

Rambling, why this writing's leaning more on rambling with no structure to sort my thoughts, especially my 'theme' of 2024. Because I can't even decide the theme of this year lol.

But, while I'm rambling on 2023 review, I got to say that:

Overall Purpose: Easy fulfilling life

How: be receptive, be adaptive, be agile.

With Notes: It's ok to take it slow, especially when decide things, because your ship getting bigger, now is the era "there's something to lose" when you choose something.

Additional Notes in 2024: Don't be too hard on yourself, you've just got out from big battle, let yourself get into small battles one by one.

So by the end of this writing, I could say 2024 theme is: Go Easy to Gain Accumulated Small Wins.

That's it.

I also want to list down what I feel grateful of:

Those who stick in my dark era

My perseverance to stand still

My bravery to get myself out of sorrow

Life itself that brings me into this stage of life, I can't believe I survived that, but yes I did it.

Carlina - I'm A Lucky Girl song. "Cuz I'm a lucky girl, And all good things come to me. Flow to me, move through me"

Thank you, 2023. You've been a badass, but I'm more badass somehow.

[sirfrogsworth]

The universe doesn't like to just give me good things.

It really likes to stab me first, twist the knife for a while, and then I can have the good thing.

Maybe.

But the good thing always comes with a nice helping of emotional trauma.

I *think* I got some good news from Social Security. But the reward letter was very confusing and I think it had a lot of mistakes. For one it said I would get an extra $12 per month. I have not been fighting for the last year to get an increase of $12. Then it said it would add that $12 to $869 for a total of $943. Which is exactly what I was getting before.

I'm no mathologist, but that seems to be erroneous.

That is not what the people at SS told my lawyer I would get so I am confident there is something weird going on and perhaps that letter was autogenerated and someone input the wrong figures into my case and they weren't double checked.

To make matters worse, my lawyer is out of town for a week. I did reach him via email, but he will not be able to figure out what is going on until he returns.

So I just have to sit and stew in this anxiety.

However, if I am interpreting a part of the reward letter properly, I might have a decent shot at getting something in between the medium and best outcome I mentioned.

I have secured the worst case scenario for sure. I think.

I have also secured the right to save money. I no longer have any asset test attached to my benefits and I am allowed to own a house, have a savings account, and more than $2000 in assets. That in itself is a win of sorts.

The medium case scenario is highly likely, but I don't like to get my hopes up.

The best case scenario is still possible, but I might end up a little short of being able to secure my house. If I get close I might have to do another fundraiser or something to cross the finish line. But if there is a chance of crossing that finish line, I would basically have a place to live indefinitely. I can't tell you how much stress and anxiety the notion of losing the house has caused me since my dad died. Especially when the alternative living arrangement possibilities are so bleak. Being able to completely let go of that would do wonders for my mental health.

Or the $12 thing wasn't a mistake and I am screwed.

I am preparing my anxiety for every outcome so I can manage expectations.

Probably the two most important things that will determine my future are going to happen in the next week or two.

I'm not handling it well.

I am quite scared.

One of them requires my brother to keep a promise.

The other depends on an overworked government employee making a favorable decision.

I'm not sure which is less likely. My brother hasn't kept a promise in over a decade and the social security folks don't have a great history of being charitable.

I really wish these two things didn't coincide. I'm not good at juggling two existential crises at the same time.

I just really don't want to lose the house. I am never going to find a living situation this suited to my needs. If I can't make this work I might end up in disability housing and every place I have found in St. Louis seems... not great. The living conditions of the disabled are not a huge priority.

The worst case scenario is I could have 1 to 2 years to figure out how to continue affording the house. Which is a decent amount of time and hopefully long enough to find a solution.

The medium case scenario is I have to figure out how to invest money so that my money makes a little extra money. I have a friend who might be able to help with that.

The best case scenario is I'll be mostly financially secure and I can live here indefinitely and maybe even improve my quality of life a smidgeon.

But I am not getting my hopes up for anything but the worst case scenario at the moment. My luck in the past few years has been garbage and even though I think the universe owes me a win, I know that isn't likely.