#my roommates might suck
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I've been reviewing some of my pictures and I gotta say... well, for one, I am terrible at taking pictures. But! Secondly, Spandau Zitadel really is a hidden gem. It's like seven museums, an archaeology site, and a sick castle-fort all in one place! And it definitely takes more than a couple hours to work through so maybe don't wait until like 15:00 to arrive...
#cardinal be in germany#spandau zitadel#berlin germany#my roommates might suck#and public transport might kinda suck#and midterms might be stressful#and and and...#but! berlin has some great places to visit
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#holy fuck. knock on wood. fingers crossed. press my thumbs. i think the pain is cycling down#like probably its this bad bc my body is weak from fighting an allergic reaction and i think lam1ctal can cause some menstral issues#but like holy fuck. i cannot go thru that again. just hours of being nauseous and crumpled in pain#i was very very very seriously considering going to the hospital. but like ive ridden in an ambulance before and i dont wanna spend like#1000 dollars to go like 10min down the road. bullshit. god i hope its stopping#it was just like so much pain i didnt kno what to do. absolutely intolerable. ugh.#please dont let this happen tomorrow 馃檹 please please please. i have to teach#and ny roommate is staying here the next 2 nights after not seeing her for like months#y now? 馃槶 im gonna have to b like hi *visibly disheveled* if i talk i might puke. bye.#i wish i could just sleep thru this. ibuprofen is not helping 馃槶#im just worried if i went to the hospital theyd make me wait for hours in the waiting room. shaking with pain. and then id b fine by the#time they got to me. like yea srry i was jusy being a lil bitch abt a normal bodily process lol. god. ppl with high levels of chronic pain#how tf do u do it? i dont think im strong enough. but i guess u probably get used to it. god that sucks so bad#ugh. i wish my mom was here. i want her to just pet my hair until i feel better 馃槶 but nooo shes going off to have fun in canada#so she's gonna b even farther from me than normal 馃槶#unrelated
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Some Catyuu shapes for you
Any shapes you wanna see Catyuu become?
#kny#demon slayer#tomioka giyuu#octo鈥檚 art#SABIBUN AU#he can shape so well#can鈥檛 promise I鈥檒l make any more shapes tonight bc my laptop died#forgot my charger at home (90 min drive at least so might not get that anytime soon)#hoping roommate will have one#wait fuck that I hope my baguette catyuu wasn鈥檛 destroyed when my laptop died#I鈥檝e got my phone & another weaker laptop for schoolwork so I鈥檒l be fine#except I WONT bc I can鈥檛 continue Catyuu shapes :(#could use MediBang mobile but that shit sucks tbh & I鈥檇 have to use my finger so No#but dw about that look at him shape#catyuu making shapes really well love that for him#Sabibun鈥檚 shapes are a lot smaller but just as good#he can cube. he can trapezoid. he can even dodecahedron#now isn鈥檛 that something
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#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#can鈥檛 read anything beyond short posts or texts. can鈥檛 eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like it鈥檚 not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don鈥檛 work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#it鈥檚 so Abrupt it feels like I鈥檓 being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesn鈥檛 feel like it can wait. genuinely don鈥檛 know how I鈥檓 gonna get through the night#I haven鈥檛 slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I鈥檓 tired#and I don鈥檛 have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn鈥檛 do#it鈥檚 embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. it鈥檚 like it doesn鈥檛 matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but that鈥檚 literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I鈥檓 immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I鈥檓 not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadn鈥檛 been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc it鈥檚 all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don鈥檛 have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
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i hate sounds and i hope everything that makes sound is permanently put on mute
#me.txt#i am so specific about what kinds of sounds i tolerate#ESPECIALLY MUSIC?#my roommate playing music in the shower: good! fine! i might struggle to block it or tune it out but its something i do as well so i dont c#someone on the street blasting music out of their car so loudly i can hear it THRU MY 4TH FLOOR WINDOW: HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL#my next door neighbor blasting music so loudly from their apartment i can hear it in my room and cant block it out: HELL HELL HELL HELL HEL#smells also suck. i hate smelling things#smells will upset me just as much as sounds
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Okay so tiny change of plans on the resolution thing,,,, well kinda change of plans. I'm saying cooking counts. I don't cook all that often, so making a (like actually cooked) meal for myself is actually monumental! So today I made dinner in a french loaf with my mom's recipe it was really good and it tasted like home :)
#Nilti's Resolution#also i helped clean the kitchen cause 1/2 my roommates suck ass and me and the other one are trying to get stuff as sorted as possible#before the other two get back so we can throw it all in their face of how much of slobs they were being and set hard rules of cleanliness#its been so bad you wouldnt believe#i lost my mind because of fruit flies in my fuckin house i stg#tomorrow i think i might draw!#also this will be first in a series of posts:#I'll try to add pictures in the future but nothing i ever cook looks good it just tastes good lol
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I HATE this game
#im not st all exaggerating when i say i BURST into tears when this popped up#i dont know how to fully articulate how HYSTERICAL i felt at this#laughing and actual tears running down my face. if my roommate had been home she might have thought I'd gone crazy#ive gotten emotional at video games before! i havent gotten hysterical before!!#and i still have to press the button! this sucks actually!! i hate that theres always a chance!!#ok i did it he did it its. ok?? its not ok but kim isnt dead im a wreck#txt#about me#disco elysium
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can't decide if the english classes made me more or less frustrated lol
#maybe im just overall tired i dunno#i wanted to do the basement drawing but maybe the better idea for today would be to just do nothing and go to sleep#and finish the little yoimiya doodle that i want to put under my phone case :3#and stickers for my friend that I want to gift to her for Christmas#im taking mental notes whenever she mentions something she particularly likes hdhdhsh#i already covered half of those stuff in terms on stickers on her birthday but it turns out there's more#im also planning to buy gingerbread cookies and give them to her alongside stickers ^^#original idea was to bake them myself but starting next week we'll be roommating and sneaky baking might not work#alsobi suck at anything kitchen related so there's also that
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woe another tag vent session be upon ye
#one of the girls in my class looks just like her. oh my god.#like im not being dramatic i literally thought it was her in my peripheral vision.#literally almost burst into tears in the middle of the room lmaooooooo#and then for the rest of the day every time i saw someone with her hair color i just saw her.#this shit sucks fr y'all i have never almost cried in public this much#and then i had to drive to pick up some groceries and fuck.#ive never been an anxious driver. i quite enjoy driving actually.#but i literally almost had a panic attack when i first pulled onto the road. i was so fucking anxious the entire time i was behind the whee#someone came up behind me pretty fast and i legit had to pull over to calm down it was so bad#so uh. not gonna be driving for a while lol. gonna kill myself or someone else doing that.#idk. idk i think this has me pretty messed up and i probably will be for a while. idk#my roommates and i finally decorated our living room and it was . fun. we laughed and made jokes and it was fun#but well. predictably i am feeling guilty over having fun now. which sucks ass from every angle#should i probably maybe make an appointment for therapy ???? probably ???????????#idk. might be good to talk all this out out loud yk. but also i Know i will cry and i dont want to do that.#sigh. anyway.#also predictably i cannot sleep. couldnt last night either.#i might go paint in the living room. i dont know.#anyway if u read this whole rant ily ur earning the veteran's pass to Winter's Breakdown Sessions#winter speaks#personal#grief tag#<- once again if u need to blacklist. will not hold it against anybody i prommy#tw death#tw panic attack
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guys remind me to watch la bamba later
#nicha said i should watch it#also nichas my beat friend thank gd for nicha. shes like the only irl person ive talked abt it with#and shes like . no you arent overreacting r you crazy . which makes me feel a LOT better#im so sad shes leaving thi :[[ she keeps telling me t move t great wolf lodge with her JFNFJFBF#and she said that if i ever need a ride to a job interview or a drs appt or anything like that t just ask. shes my bestiee#she has a yojnger sister my age (18 (nicha is 25 BTW) but her sister sucks so nicha literally said I wish you were my sister instead.#common kamille w. she also said im her favorite and i get all rhe stuff on her cart when she leaves ^-^ yay#but tbh. i might frrr look into great wolf lodge bc their starting pay is $18 dollars an hour#plus its. hotel work. which is wayy easier than apt cleaning if im being fully honest#and allegedly its closer to my house sooo...#plus. nicha fiona and i thinkk nee? r all leaving? which leaves me dee and brenda ? brother i gtg im not gonna be one of 3 housekeepers.#ik theyd hire more but i just got here i cant be like the 3rd most senior housekeeper 馃拃#sry 4 doxxing myself. potentially#oh also the pay here is 16 dollars an hour with literally no room for growth#brenda is housekeeping lead and she makes like. 17.#nee i think has been here almost since the place opened and she still only makes like 16.... which is insane#so ya i might look into gwl.#im mainly scareddd abt getting rides bc rn marian gives me a ride...#n like she could probably still give me a ride in the morning if im sooo niceys but likee. yk. how would i get home at da end of the day#ik i should just suck it up and ask my roommates bc kate is rly nice and prolly wouldnt mind but. gets scared... she also works closing#shifts so she wouldnt be able t bring me home. lily works a ton of different shifts so its not rly a reliable thang so i cant ask her#plus.everything. and then hal . yeah obvious reasons hes not giving me a ride LOL
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I fuckin hate warm water
#blog#is this even worth tagging with blog#honestly I might just have to add more#im just bored rn in class tbh#sucks tho bc we have to study a chapter and a half of discrete math in 2 lectures now bc the schedule got pushed back#but hey it was worth all of the breaks we got this semester yho#i haven't watched op in forever huh#or much of anything tbh#i was supposed to watch a movie for class today#i ended up just doing a 16 star run of sm64#didnt matter tho bc I fuckin overslept the class#i really gotta figure out what's happening with that tbh#I might be sleeping with my phone too close#but if I don't listen to anything when falling asleep I can't sleep#but also if I use my earbuds my ears get blocked over time#aaaaand I have a roommate so I can't blast it ou#woe is me#maybe I should also fix my sleep#at least I didn't sleep thru my exam yesterday#oh that algorithms exam was a lot easier than I expected#still expecting a 60 tho ngl#as long as I get above average we will be chillin#(most of my classes are relative grading)#god I just realized my arms are sore#from blj#i can't believe that really fucked me up#i was trying it for like an hour and a half lmao#also funny thing#most of my classes just don't care about the fact that I just wear an earbud in middle of the lecture#even the smaller classes
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half of my loneliness stemming from not having enough female interaction and constant urge to talk to bf wouldn't have risen if my roommate was a normal person and we'd have had a normal bond
#the sex ratio in our batch is insane#and to that most girls are day scholars or chose to live outskirts to campus#remaining are busy with their friends and roommates and boyfriends and apparently its enough i can't blame them i get busy with my bf too#but at least they have their roommates#firstly i think it as a boon that me and my roommate share nothing therefore i live in peace without invasion of my privacy#and most days its for the best#but we don't speak even a word and days pass can you imagine a person sleeping next to you and you live that aloof#not that i would want to know. her ive tried and our vibes don't match at all she might be the first person#and then i image of a healthy female interaction of being girly girl talking girly stuff and embracing the girly#and it sucks because i got no one here and its okay im not complaining#but i see guys and they might abuse and kill each other but when it's about having fun and helping out its like they're against everyone#thats the bond i crave#im a social person#im expressive#and then i can't
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another week goes by that i just. dont catch up on yj
#last ep i watched was 2x3 i think so im? 3 or 4 weeks behind i wanna say 4#i just havent had the time or motivation but mostly its bc i saw people talking shit ab ben on twitter after every ep#and it made me just. not want to consume it at all bc i will feel bad ab liking him sdshfksjd#i have this very weird thing that i hate where if something i enjoy gets a lot of criticism and people saying it sucks i.#i just can no longer enjoy it bc i feel guilty like im doing something wrong i HATE it#i probably wont catch up on yj until either. the end of the season or. if i can make my roommates watch it ill catch up w them#i love ben w all my heart but i am kind of hoping he gets offed i can not lie#ik i am founder and president of the ben lives club but uh. if he dies people might (Big Might) stop talking shit#and then i might feel okay ab liking him again kfghdkkjn
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SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING SO HARD WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK
#i was like huh whats that noise. bc i can normally NEVER hear anything over my headphones but it was the rain fucking shattering it down#my bed is WET the window was only open a few inches 馃槶#anyway had no signal at work again today smfh. but at least they let me on the bus free on the way there this morning#still a bit wobbly im in the baby deer phase of post major depressive episode#roommate asked how i was doing when she got home and i very very nearly started crying but i didnt i was so brave#my insane insecurity and anger swings post rsd episode have mostly faded too thank fuck. only took 4 days which is pretty good for me#but im still so so tired it takes everything out of me...#when im recovered + can talk abt it without making myself upset again im promising myself i will talk to her abt the rsd if nothing else#but i really really dont want to make her feel bad abt it at all its genuinely not anyones fault. but its important to me that i say smth#just so we can avoid it happening again where possible bc it does really suck so bad. for everyone im sure but mostly me here#and i would like to be able to care abt ppl and have close friends without risking my entire mental (+ physical..) wellbeing 馃槶#i think if im still struggling w mood once my meds stabilise i might ask if there are options to help w that too#like i think ive gone as far as i can w therapeutic techniques rn. its just too overwhelmingly intense and reflexive for me to apply that#and i dont feel like i live my life around it or in fear of it anymore like generally i have been a lot better#but when im vulnerable and it DOES strike i have no defense against it whatsoever and it can tank everything for weeks#its just high stakes. and it'll help to make sure ppl know abt it and might be able to support etc but it would be nice to never worry abt#so worth trying meds for it maybe. i just dont rly wanna have the conversations w medical ppl in order to get it in the first place#like i wouldnt feel safe telling a doctor abt it bc the idea of someone with that authority having power over me is terrifying#ah well this isnt a problem for right now. plus stimulants might help me w it anyway once im finished titrating so we'll see#got so distracted typing this i forgot what i was gonna do.... i need to check my planner#and then ill probably read and go to sleep early i think zzzzz#ahhh.. and the birds are singing outside now the rain has stopped :-)#.diaries
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well. it's my birthday. I'm 30 now. kinda sucks ngl
#asi rants#delete later#cant celebrate like. at all because we have no money#cant even play games with my friends cuz i had to cancel my PSplus#im really fucking depressed actually i might just go to sleep for the day#i wasnt thrilled to be leaving my 20s anyway but being broke unemployed and single#and not being able to afford a cake or gifts of any kind just really made it suck extra hard#straight up just woke up and cried this morning cuz my roommate/ex forgot my birthday and made plans with her mom so im just all alone today#yeah im gonna cry again lmao bye
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love getting off the bus at work and immediately sitting down in the bus shelter because there's no way in hell I'm standing around before I'm contractually obligated to.
#standing is the enemy#roommate told me its not normal to fantasize about having a wheel chair if you dont need one and im just like.#but i dont need one. i would love one. dreamy sigh#bcus i can stand and walk and etc with almost none to no pain or fatigue for the most part .....#most of the time.#but a wheel chair also likely wouldnt help me which sucks lmao. a walker might help more than my cane tbh#bcus i dont use my cane bcus it gets in the way !!!!! any way.#sigh.
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