#my roommates might suck
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I've been reviewing some of my pictures and I gotta say... well, for one, I am terrible at taking pictures. But! Secondly, Spandau Zitadel really is a hidden gem. It's like seven museums, an archaeology site, and a sick castle-fort all in one place! And it definitely takes more than a couple hours to work through so maybe don't wait until like 15:00 to arrive...
#cardinal be in germany#spandau zitadel#berlin germany#my roommates might suck#and public transport might kinda suck#and midterms might be stressful#and and and...#but! berlin has some great places to visit
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skye how ya doin, you having second thoughts? /t
Oh that's embarrassing.
I like to call that maneuver, "Getting wine drunk on a work night and losing all ability to use the silly little apps on your phone."
#spazzcat barks#un-common-dreams#in my defense!!! i went to a winery with all the work people#and then i came home and my roommate was watching a horse show with her mom#and they invited me to join#and her mom bought my favorite wine because she was excited to see me#so... wine drinking.... was........ necessary#one might even call it a desirable social trait last night#im very disoriented this morning#work is gonna suck today <- shaky and hungover
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#holy fuck. knock on wood. fingers crossed. press my thumbs. i think the pain is cycling down#like probably its this bad bc my body is weak from fighting an allergic reaction and i think lam1ctal can cause some menstral issues#but like holy fuck. i cannot go thru that again. just hours of being nauseous and crumpled in pain#i was very very very seriously considering going to the hospital. but like ive ridden in an ambulance before and i dont wanna spend like#1000 dollars to go like 10min down the road. bullshit. god i hope its stopping#it was just like so much pain i didnt kno what to do. absolutely intolerable. ugh.#please dont let this happen tomorrow š please please please. i have to teach#and ny roommate is staying here the next 2 nights after not seeing her for like months#y now? š im gonna have to b like hi *visibly disheveled* if i talk i might puke. bye.#i wish i could just sleep thru this. ibuprofen is not helping š#im just worried if i went to the hospital theyd make me wait for hours in the waiting room. shaking with pain. and then id b fine by the#time they got to me. like yea srry i was jusy being a lil bitch abt a normal bodily process lol. god. ppl with high levels of chronic pain#how tf do u do it? i dont think im strong enough. but i guess u probably get used to it. god that sucks so bad#ugh. i wish my mom was here. i want her to just pet my hair until i feel better š but nooo shes going off to have fun in canada#so she's gonna b even farther from me than normal š#unrelated
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Some Catyuu shapes for you
Any shapes you wanna see Catyuu become?
#kny#demon slayer#tomioka giyuu#octoās art#SABIBUN AU#he can shape so well#canāt promise Iāll make any more shapes tonight bc my laptop died#forgot my charger at home (90 min drive at least so might not get that anytime soon)#hoping roommate will have one#wait fuck that I hope my baguette catyuu wasnāt destroyed when my laptop died#Iāve got my phone & another weaker laptop for schoolwork so Iāll be fine#except I WONT bc I canāt continue Catyuu shapes :(#could use MediBang mobile but that shit sucks tbh & Iād have to use my finger so No#but dw about that look at him shape#catyuu making shapes really well love that for him#Sabibunās shapes are a lot smaller but just as good#he can cube. he can trapezoid. he can even dodecahedron#now isnāt that something
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#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#canāt read anything beyond short posts or texts. canāt eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like itās not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I donāt work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#itās so Abrupt it feels like Iām being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesnāt feel like it can wait. genuinely donāt know how Iām gonna get through the night#I havenāt slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if Iām tired#and I donāt have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldnāt do#itās embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. itās like it doesnāt matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but thatās literally like telling me not to get top surgery if Iām immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me Iām not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadnāt been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc itās all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I donāt have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
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i hate sounds and i hope everything that makes sound is permanently put on mute
#me.txt#i am so specific about what kinds of sounds i tolerate#ESPECIALLY MUSIC?#my roommate playing music in the shower: good! fine! i might struggle to block it or tune it out but its something i do as well so i dont c#someone on the street blasting music out of their car so loudly i can hear it THRU MY 4TH FLOOR WINDOW: HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL#my next door neighbor blasting music so loudly from their apartment i can hear it in my room and cant block it out: HELL HELL HELL HELL HEL#smells also suck. i hate smelling things#smells will upset me just as much as sounds
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Okay so tiny change of plans on the resolution thing,,,, well kinda change of plans. I'm saying cooking counts. I don't cook all that often, so making a (like actually cooked) meal for myself is actually monumental! So today I made dinner in a french loaf with my mom's recipe it was really good and it tasted like home :)
#Nilti's Resolution#also i helped clean the kitchen cause 1/2 my roommates suck ass and me and the other one are trying to get stuff as sorted as possible#before the other two get back so we can throw it all in their face of how much of slobs they were being and set hard rules of cleanliness#its been so bad you wouldnt believe#i lost my mind because of fruit flies in my fuckin house i stg#tomorrow i think i might draw!#also this will be first in a series of posts:#I'll try to add pictures in the future but nothing i ever cook looks good it just tastes good lol
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I HATE this game
#im not st all exaggerating when i say i BURST into tears when this popped up#i dont know how to fully articulate how HYSTERICAL i felt at this#laughing and actual tears running down my face. if my roommate had been home she might have thought I'd gone crazy#ive gotten emotional at video games before! i havent gotten hysterical before!!#and i still have to press the button! this sucks actually!! i hate that theres always a chance!!#ok i did it he did it its. ok?? its not ok but kim isnt dead im a wreck#txt#about me#disco elysium
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can't decide if the english classes made me more or less frustrated lol
#maybe im just overall tired i dunno#i wanted to do the basement drawing but maybe the better idea for today would be to just do nothing and go to sleep#and finish the little yoimiya doodle that i want to put under my phone case :3#and stickers for my friend that I want to gift to her for Christmas#im taking mental notes whenever she mentions something she particularly likes hdhdhsh#i already covered half of those stuff in terms on stickers on her birthday but it turns out there's more#im also planning to buy gingerbread cookies and give them to her alongside stickers ^^#original idea was to bake them myself but starting next week we'll be roommating and sneaky baking might not work#alsobi suck at anything kitchen related so there's also that
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woe another tag vent session be upon ye
#one of the girls in my class looks just like her. oh my god.#like im not being dramatic i literally thought it was her in my peripheral vision.#literally almost burst into tears in the middle of the room lmaooooooo#and then for the rest of the day every time i saw someone with her hair color i just saw her.#this shit sucks fr y'all i have never almost cried in public this much#and then i had to drive to pick up some groceries and fuck.#ive never been an anxious driver. i quite enjoy driving actually.#but i literally almost had a panic attack when i first pulled onto the road. i was so fucking anxious the entire time i was behind the whee#someone came up behind me pretty fast and i legit had to pull over to calm down it was so bad#so uh. not gonna be driving for a while lol. gonna kill myself or someone else doing that.#idk. idk i think this has me pretty messed up and i probably will be for a while. idk#my roommates and i finally decorated our living room and it was . fun. we laughed and made jokes and it was fun#but well. predictably i am feeling guilty over having fun now. which sucks ass from every angle#should i probably maybe make an appointment for therapy ???? probably ???????????#idk. might be good to talk all this out out loud yk. but also i Know i will cry and i dont want to do that.#sigh. anyway.#also predictably i cannot sleep. couldnt last night either.#i might go paint in the living room. i dont know.#anyway if u read this whole rant ily ur earning the veteran's pass to Winter's Breakdown Sessions#winter speaks#personal#grief tag#<- once again if u need to blacklist. will not hold it against anybody i prommy#tw death#tw panic attack
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guys remind me to watch la bamba later
#nicha said i should watch it#also nichas my beat friend thank gd for nicha. shes like the only irl person ive talked abt it with#and shes like . no you arent overreacting r you crazy . which makes me feel a LOT better#im so sad shes leaving thi :[[ she keeps telling me t move t great wolf lodge with her JFNFJFBF#and she said that if i ever need a ride to a job interview or a drs appt or anything like that t just ask. shes my bestiee#she has a yojnger sister my age (18 (nicha is 25 BTW) but her sister sucks so nicha literally said I wish you were my sister instead.#common kamille w. she also said im her favorite and i get all rhe stuff on her cart when she leaves ^-^ yay#but tbh. i might frrr look into great wolf lodge bc their starting pay is $18 dollars an hour#plus its. hotel work. which is wayy easier than apt cleaning if im being fully honest#and allegedly its closer to my house sooo...#plus. nicha fiona and i thinkk nee? r all leaving? which leaves me dee and brenda ? brother i gtg im not gonna be one of 3 housekeepers.#ik theyd hire more but i just got here i cant be like the 3rd most senior housekeeper š#sry 4 doxxing myself. potentially#oh also the pay here is 16 dollars an hour with literally no room for growth#brenda is housekeeping lead and she makes like. 17.#nee i think has been here almost since the place opened and she still only makes like 16.... which is insane#so ya i might look into gwl.#im mainly scareddd abt getting rides bc rn marian gives me a ride...#n like she could probably still give me a ride in the morning if im sooo niceys but likee. yk. how would i get home at da end of the day#ik i should just suck it up and ask my roommates bc kate is rly nice and prolly wouldnt mind but. gets scared... she also works closing#shifts so she wouldnt be able t bring me home. lily works a ton of different shifts so its not rly a reliable thang so i cant ask her#plus.everything. and then hal . yeah obvious reasons hes not giving me a ride LOL
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half of my loneliness stemming from not having enough female interaction and constant urge to talk to bf wouldn't have risen if my roommate was a normal person and we'd have had a normal bond
#the sex ratio in our batch is insane#and to that most girls are day scholars or chose to live outskirts to campus#remaining are busy with their friends and roommates and boyfriends and apparently its enough i can't blame them i get busy with my bf too#but at least they have their roommates#firstly i think it as a boon that me and my roommate share nothing therefore i live in peace without invasion of my privacy#and most days its for the best#but we don't speak even a word and days pass can you imagine a person sleeping next to you and you live that aloof#not that i would want to know. her ive tried and our vibes don't match at all she might be the first person#and then i image of a healthy female interaction of being girly girl talking girly stuff and embracing the girly#and it sucks because i got no one here and its okay im not complaining#but i see guys and they might abuse and kill each other but when it's about having fun and helping out its like they're against everyone#thats the bond i crave#im a social person#im expressive#and then i can't
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another week goes by that i just. dont catch up on yj
#last ep i watched was 2x3 i think so im? 3 or 4 weeks behind i wanna say 4#i just havent had the time or motivation but mostly its bc i saw people talking shit ab ben on twitter after every ep#and it made me just. not want to consume it at all bc i will feel bad ab liking him sdshfksjd#i have this very weird thing that i hate where if something i enjoy gets a lot of criticism and people saying it sucks i.#i just can no longer enjoy it bc i feel guilty like im doing something wrong i HATE it#i probably wont catch up on yj until either. the end of the season or. if i can make my roommates watch it ill catch up w them#i love ben w all my heart but i am kind of hoping he gets offed i can not lie#ik i am founder and president of the ben lives club but uh. if he dies people might (Big Might) stop talking shit#and then i might feel okay ab liking him again kfghdkkjn
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my current class schedule is probably one of the easiest sets of classes ive had throughout college and yet every week feels like getting punched in the stomach 30 consecutive times and i dont know why
#simon says#i think its partially that my roommate dropped out for now and we were in a lot of classes together#so having someone to study with and talk to about college consistently made life a lot easier#combined with the fact that im currently taking a lot of classes for my minor which means all my other friends from my major are like#nonexistent in my life cuz we arent in any classes together anymore#to the point where ive been asked by multiple people if i dropped out because they havent seen me on campus once this semester :sob:#but idk i have long days and 3 labs which sucks but objectively speaking the class material and work and tests are easy#several of my classes are open note tests. i have one class that has traditional tests and even then i get Bs on them#so not bad even if it takes many many hours of studying to get said Bs#it might also just be that i dont have time to work during the week so im primarily working weekends so i dont have days off#and i cant visit my family or anything#idk. life is hard. i have like 40 tests this week and no time to study. im going to die
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Yes this actually happened. <-(Yes he may or may not still be here XD)
Update before the queued post goes up:
Heyyy! ^^ Hai hai! Ren asked me to write this because they weren't gonna try masking as me? :3 Idk but I'm doin' m'best, ma'am! o7 ^^
So basically, we're pretty sure there's another alter?? And like he was basically masking as Ren? Not rlly sure ^^; But then again will we ever be sure? XD
So yeah we're trying to narrow down identity stuff :3 P sure this is the one who's supposed to run the coding blog we never use XD Mostly because the name Ren was first used there until, well, Ren took it! :3
They also might be the one who doesn't want to admit to possibly being a specific fictive XD Like he REALLY doesn't want to be that X3 (He presumably did a picrew tho, which he was kinda dissatisfied with because it didn't have enough customization :3)
Idk maybe these two are just two sides of the same coin XD Probably not tho even if they, like, are similar :33 Or maybe we just are/were blendy XD (Afterall we're kinda saying more filler words than usual ^^;; So like there's definitely influence or smth :3)(or maybe this is just normal š Idk :3)
SO YEAH ANYWAYS The identity confusion is real X3 There's just, like, little clusters of alters that we mix up a lot with each other ^^; Like there's always atleast 3 possibilities XD That counts both as "it could be one of three alters" and as theres usually two other options outside of that (usually "we're probably blendy/blurry" and "it could be someone new") :3
^ Actual Ren :3
I'll give you art of other stuff eventually btw ^^ It won't just be the most annoyed alter(s) all the time XD
#sepia scribbles!!#I JUST REALIZED THE COLOR FILTER THING WE PUT OVER LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE ROOMMATE'S MONITOR WE DREW IT ON#Anyways XD- Ok I'm taking off the mask or whatever the fuck š Yeah I'm not doin that shit#Might make this my pfp lowkey >F) But also I really love Jon Arbuckle flaunting it as my pfp so idc.#I'm super fuckin bored rn btw. Halloween sucked and also we just did not have our usual enthusiasm so meh.#Anyways enjoy art of yours truly~ or whatever. I'm tired ngl. But ykw I have a tank top on and I feel comfy as hell in the body rn#Aight peace; Ima pretend I have something to do. āļøļæ½ļæ½ļæ½-šŖ“
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SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING SO HARD WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK
#i was like huh whats that noise. bc i can normally NEVER hear anything over my headphones but it was the rain fucking shattering it down#my bed is WET the window was only open a few inches š#anyway had no signal at work again today smfh. but at least they let me on the bus free on the way there this morning#still a bit wobbly im in the baby deer phase of post major depressive episode#roommate asked how i was doing when she got home and i very very nearly started crying but i didnt i was so brave#my insane insecurity and anger swings post rsd episode have mostly faded too thank fuck. only took 4 days which is pretty good for me#but im still so so tired it takes everything out of me...#when im recovered + can talk abt it without making myself upset again im promising myself i will talk to her abt the rsd if nothing else#but i really really dont want to make her feel bad abt it at all its genuinely not anyones fault. but its important to me that i say smth#just so we can avoid it happening again where possible bc it does really suck so bad. for everyone im sure but mostly me here#and i would like to be able to care abt ppl and have close friends without risking my entire mental (+ physical..) wellbeing š#i think if im still struggling w mood once my meds stabilise i might ask if there are options to help w that too#like i think ive gone as far as i can w therapeutic techniques rn. its just too overwhelmingly intense and reflexive for me to apply that#and i dont feel like i live my life around it or in fear of it anymore like generally i have been a lot better#but when im vulnerable and it DOES strike i have no defense against it whatsoever and it can tank everything for weeks#its just high stakes. and it'll help to make sure ppl know abt it and might be able to support etc but it would be nice to never worry abt#so worth trying meds for it maybe. i just dont rly wanna have the conversations w medical ppl in order to get it in the first place#like i wouldnt feel safe telling a doctor abt it bc the idea of someone with that authority having power over me is terrifying#ah well this isnt a problem for right now. plus stimulants might help me w it anyway once im finished titrating so we'll see#got so distracted typing this i forgot what i was gonna do.... i need to check my planner#and then ill probably read and go to sleep early i think zzzzz#ahhh.. and the birds are singing outside now the rain has stopped :-)#.diaries
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