#my ovaries need to chill :)

[bougainvillea-and-saltwater]

There’s an. undescribable amount of terror, I think, when you feel like a health issue that tormented you in the past knocks at your door again like. HELLO. HI, BABY >:)

[quemirabobo]

I just realized that I've been putting too much on my plate lately and instead of getting some of that shit done all I end up with is feeling sick every week and things keep accumulating and I stress myself ten times more and I end up doing nothing, reading something to distract myself of the fucking titanic quest I put my ass on

[silly--fangirl]

not the guy i was stalking through ig for the whole weekend bumping into me in the hallway

like ok mr redhead, you're so tall you didn't see me

[loganspr1ncess]

this hairstyle omg. i would’ve gave him babies back to back

People need to pay more attention to him in the fountain like HELLO?!!

[hey-hamlet]

The human body is a carnival of horrors

AKA I tell you about Teratomas and you hate me because of it <3

First of all, some etymology! A word ending with ‘oma’ is probably some sort of tumor and ‘terato’ is from the ancient Greek teras meaning monster, and in modern medicine pertaining to a birth defect (which. Yikes. Nice to know what old time-y doctors really think, huh?). Despite the name, they aren’t necessarily a from-birth thing, and they aren’t even cancer*! They don’t too rough, right? Well. That's because I haven’t told you about the teeth.

(*they can, in fact, be cancer. but very rarely, i promise!)

TW: Body horror, medical imagery under the read-more.

(Image owned by the Maude Abbott Medical Museum of McGill University)

So, if you don’t have a set of ovaries and for aren’t freshly born, you don’t need to worry as much about the teeth, because the type of teratomas I’m talking about are ‘mature cystic teratomas’ (also called grade 0 teratomas). These are the most common and the least likely to cause you physical harm, but highly likely to feature in your nightmares <3.

These ovarian teratomas occur when an egg decides it wants to be something cooler than an egg and doesn’t want to wait for sperm, or even to leave the ovarian follicle it was chilling in. This results in some spontaneous parthenogenetic development. Sadly, sperm is a pretty important ingredient in this whole shebang, at least in humans, so a teratoma is not a fetus, viable or not. Even more sadly, the teratoma does not care about this, and starts to develop anyway. 

Fun fact that wasn’t really relevant before this - you develop out of 3 different ‘germ cell layers’ as a fetus, the ectoderm, mesoderm and endoderm. The mesoderm makes stuff like blood, muscles and bone while the endoderm makes stuff like the lining of your GI tract or your lungs. Ovarian teratomas are made up of ectoderm-derived tissue - like hair, skin, nerves, etc. 

But, you cry, the teeth???? Well my friend - teeth are not bones. Teeth are skin**. Ergo - teeth and hair in your ovaries.

(**this is a wild oversimplification, but you get my point, right?)

The worst part, at least for me, is the fact we don’t really know why they go rogue sometimes? Because of that, we don’t know how to avoid them! Very upsetting. Just another example of the fact we seem to know how literal stars work much better than we understand the human body. A true carnival of horrors, but, admittedly, one I’m pretty glad I have!

[nahoney22]

I’ve been having some terrible stomach pains (recently diagnosed with endometriosis) and it’s kicking my ass! Was hoping you could please do a f!request on how the bad batchers would help reader? Established and non established relationships is fine 😊 thank you in advance if you do this!

Caring for You - Endometriosis***

Bad Batch Boys X F!Reader

warnings: Very brief mention of implied sex, female reader with Endometriosis, blood 🩸, mentions of reader feeling low and in pain, established relationships, lots of comfort. 🤍

authors note: here you go darling, sorry to hear this! I couldn’t imagine dealing with this 🙁 hope this gives you all the comfort and cuteness you need. 🤍

Endometriosis definition and symptoms for those not familiar, like myself (thanks google):

It is a long-term condition where tissue similar to the lining of the womb grows in other places, such as the ovaries and fallopian tubes.

The main symptoms of endometriosis are:

pain in your lower tummy or back (pelvic pain) – usually worse during your period

period pain that stops you doing your normal activities

pain during or after sex

pain after using the toilet during your period

feeling sick, constipation, diarrhoea, or blood in your pee during your period

difficulty getting pregnant

You may also have heavy periods.

may sometimes lead to feelings of depression.

Echo 🤍

In the quiet cocoon of your bunk, the persistent ache of your abdomen tightens its grip, creating a throbbing discomfort that feels like an unwelcome guest. You're curled up tight, a subtle wince marking each passing wave of pain. You curse as each throbbing pain feel like your abdomen is having its own battleground, aching and cramping with an intensity that leaves you breathless.

Sensing your silent struggle, Echo delicately places a plush blanket over you, its warmth like a feeble shield against the raging storm inside.

As he settles beside you, his eyes reflect a mixture of empathy and helplessness. He reaches for your hand, his touch alone like a claiming balm.

Soft whispers escape his lips, "I hate to see you in pain." His fingers gently trace soothing patterns on your palm, and you can only mutter a faint ‘thanks’, not feeling up to talking too much.

He helps you sit up as he presents you a steaming cup of caf and when sipping the tea, you feel a momentary respite. But the pain lingers.

Your boyfriend's tender touch on your waist extends to your hair, his fingers stroking away tension as his gaze conveys a profound understanding.

"You're strong," he murmurs, his voice a gentle relief, "and I'm here for you.” You were more than thankful to have Echo by your side..

Hunter 🤍

Finding a place to stay other than the Marauder for the night, Hunter heads to the hotel room he knew you were resting upon when he stops and catches a subtle shift in the air.

Following the trail that leads to your shared room, he finds you on the couch, your face contorted in silent agony and the metallic tang of blood mingles with the room's atmospherea.

Silently, Hunter approaches, his keen eyes discerning the distress etched on your features. With a swift, graceful movement, he pulls you into his lap and then wraps a blanket around you, shielding you from both the physical and emotional chill. His eyes painted a shade of empathetic concern. "How much pain are you in?”

“I feel like death.” You grumble in reply, sweat painting your sickly looking face.

He watches you, whispering soothing words but grows a little panicked when he notices a larger shift in your demeanor, body feeling a little limp. You’ve done this before, clearly feeling faint and doing what he can only do, hold you a little closer and wait for the pain to subside. “You’re going to be okay, doll. I’m here.”

Wrecker 🤍

"Hey, hey, what's up, baby? Are you—oh." Wrecker's eyes, filled with adoration just moments ago, quickly shift to concern as he hovers over you.

Witnessing your gasp of agony, you curl into yourself, abruptly halting the intimate moment. Wrecker sits up, his gentle yet fumbling hands taking hold of you, lifting you from the now blood-stained sheets and guiding you to the refresher.

"I'm sorry, Wreck. I'm sorry—agh!" You cry out, a wave of embarrassment and pain washing over you as your period arrives, accompanied by the sharp ache in your abdomen.

"No need for sorry's," he whispers, placing a soft kiss on your hair. "Have a quick shower, and I'll tidy up back there, okay?" However, he pauses when he notices the sadness in your eyes, cradling your chin gently. "It's okay. I'm here."

As you shower yourself clean, Wrecker quickly puts the sheets in the wash, pulls out all the sanitary products he memorised from when you had this bad spell before and gets out your comfiest nightwear and socks.

Tech 🤍

"Following the laparoscopy results I conducted, I can confirm a diagnosis of endometriosis." He adjusts his goggles and fixes a concerned gaze upon you.

This underlying issue, persistent for a while, found clarity after Tech convinced you to undergo a small operation he performed himself. The confirmation of endometriosis hits you, and tears well up uncontrollably.

Tech flinches at the sudden sound of you sobbing, quickly setting aside his device. Kneeling in front of you, he takes your hands into his. "Darling, are you in pain?"

The diagnosis stings, and the prospect of enduring agonizing pain every month overwhelms you. Tech sighs softly, "I will be here for you every step of the way."

"I can't do this, Tech. I can't endure this every month," you sob, hiding your face in your hands.

Tech grapples with the feeling of helplessness, acknowledging the absence of a cure. However, a glimmer of hope emerges. "I will do everything in my power to explore treatments, to make this pain tolerable. Whether it's creating a concoction or a device, I won't rest until you are free of pain."

Wiping away your tears, you muster strength through the pain to meet his gaze. "You don't have to do so much for me, Tech," you sniffle. "You've already done so much."

"And I will do a lot more," he says softly, leaning in and placing a delicate kiss on your forehead. "Whatever it takes."

Crosshair 🤍

"Are you getting out of bed today or not?" Crosshair's gruff voice echoes as he notices you curled up under layers of blankets, facing the wall for hours. He's aware you've been talking to Hunter, so he knows you're awake.

You grunt in response, and Crosshair, assuming laziness, rolls his eyes. "Come on, get up; there's stuff to do." As he yanks the blankets off, his expression changes when he sees splotches of blood on your sheets and pants. You sit up abruptly, yanking the sheets back, tears welling in your eyes.

"Kriff, sorry, kitten," he sighs, sitting on the edge of your bunk. He raises a hand to you, checking your temperature. "Is it happening again?"

"Yeah," you sniff, "and my flow is heavier than usual, as you can tell." You sigh, feeling completely embarrassed.

"Do you not have any pads?" he asks. You're grateful for Crosshair's tenderness, appreciating how he's always been gentle and caring, especially considering your endometriosis, which you initially thought might complicate your relationship.

"I ran out yesterday, so I've just been using tissue," you admit, shaking your head.

Crosshair frowns. "Why didn't you say anything to me?"

"I didn't want to be a problem." The words hang in the air, but Crosshair gently cups your cheek.

"Never will you be a problem. I'm here for you, and so are the others. We can go get some pads."

You manage a soft smile, still feeling and looking completely drained. "We've already left the town. I don't want to tell Tech to turn around just for me. He was dead set on finding a port for outer repairs."

"Leave it with me, princess." After kissing your clammy cheek, Crosshair heads straight into the cockpit. You suppress a laugh as you hear, "Tech, turn this ship around right now."

You knew you were in good hands as long as Crosshair is around.

Tags: @andyoufollowyourheart @littlefeatherr @kaitou2417 @eyecandyeoz @captxin-rex @jesseeka @ashotofspotchka @theroguesully @ladykatakuri @jambolska-grozdova @arctrooper69 @padawancat97 @rain-on-kamino @either-madness-or-brilliance @staycalmandhugaclone @ko-neko-san @echos-girlfriend @fiveshelmet @dangraccoon @plushymiku-blog @chrissywakingup @sol-the-otter @pb-jellybeans @nunanuggets @sleepycreativewriter @erellenora @zippingstars87 @tech-aficionado @grizabellasolo @therealnekomari @tech-depression-inventory @brynhildrmimi @greaser-wolf @tinyreadersmur @seriowan @kaminocasey @marvel-starwars-nerd @ladytano420 @ladyzirkonia @raevulsix @imalovernotahater @whore4rex @imperialclaw801 @temple-elder @mysticalgalaxysalad @photogirl894 @id-rather-be-a-druid @the-bad-batch-baroness

[white-poppie]

MSBY! Thirst tweets

A/N: The way I had to search up thirst tweets because I have no idea how people write things on twitter, the mildest ones are the ones I wrote- I am shook. (Not me using the Bangchan meme for Hinata."

Try to guess which ones I wrote ;)

𝐀𝐓𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐔 𝐌𝐈𝐘𝐀

"Hello, this is Atsumu Miya from MSBY black jackals and m' reacting to thirst tweets!" the faux blonde grinned happily.

"Are you on twitter, Miya-san?"

"I used to be, but then I deleted it, it's a scary place," the man shudders exaggeratedly, clutching the fish bowl with paper scraps closer to him.

Carefully he takes out one piece and unfolding it, head tilting in delight at the question.

"I want Atsumu Miya to crush my skull between his massive thighs."

A cocky grin made its way onto his face, he slaps his thigh, looking straight at the camera, "As much as I would love to indulge in fan service, I don't wanna be charged for man-slaughter"

He laughs and throws the scrap of paper on the floor, fishing for another.

"I want a piece of that cake Atsumu carries everyday"

A snort leaves Atsumu's mouth after reading, "Y'all need to chill, seriously."

Taking another piece of paper out, Atsumu read.

"Fuck Daddy-Issues or Mommy-issues, my only issue is, not having Atsumu Miya in my arms right now!"

"Awww, this one is so cute man," he grins, "thank you 'Mrs.Miya49. By your username, it seems as if you have already claimed me though," he says with a wink.

"Alright this is the last one," he says and speakes in an exaggeratedly British accent.

"Atsumu Miya is the most gorgeous man I have ever seen, my ovaries are ready to produce Miya 3.0. thank you very much."

"Holy shit," he gasps, "I am so flattered that you think I am gorgeous, but I think you should contact my twin for Miya 3.0, though. He is more of a family guy than I am," he says and pauses, "for now at-least," he winks.

"I might re-download Twitter to reply to you guys now."'

𝐁𝐎𝐊𝐔𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐎𝐔𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐎

"Hey, this is Bokuto Koutaro from MSBY black jackals and today I am reacting to thirst tweets with puppies."

Bokuto cackles while sitting on the floor, as majestic tiny creatures step out of a wooden crate, "great, now I am not going to get any work done"

He scratches gently behind a brown one's ear, his large hand making the puppy seem even tinier. One of them struggles to climb on Bokuto's lap. He gently places him on his crisscrossed legs and canine soon nuzzles in. While one puppy minds his own business biting Kou's shoes.

"Oh hey buddy, that's not nice," he gently pushes the puppy away with his pointer finger, which only spites the tiny fiend more.

"Right, I won't get distracted now, I can see the director glaring," he laughs while petting the puppy nestled in his lap, peacefully.

"Bokuto Koutaro is what SZA had in mind when she wrote 'big-boy'. This man DESTROY me, manhandle me, tear me apart. I would have no regrets."

Bokuto blinks rapidly as if trying to process the info, "wow-uhm you guys are violent, but yeah I have heard that song, but it never crossed my mind even once."

Bokuto pouts at the puppy, chewing the laces of his branded shoes, away so that the camera can't see, "I should cover your ears, eh?"

"I want to be crushed by Bokuto, this man can throw me over his shoulder like a potato sack, please please please."

"I mean if you are asking so nicely, I'll throw you over my shoulder; no crushing though, I like my fans uncrushed!" he laughs boisterously.

"I wanna lick the sweat off Koutarou's abs, bet it's the sweetest thing ever."

Bokuto scrunches his face in disgust, "Gross, I mean of that's what you are into- but I beg you please reconsider, that's very unhygienic," he says while kissing the pup's head with a loud 'mwah', "Sakusa would have had a breakdown just reading this."

"Wanna bite Bokuto's man-tiddies nom nom nom, wanna mark him all up"

Bokuto blinks aggressively looking at the camera in a way that would be used by his fans as a meme reaction for months to come, "Is this Atsumu? I bet it was Atsumu tweeting this. That guy always calls his abs man-tiddies."

Bokuto pouts sadly as the staff takes the puppies away, "This was Bokuto Koutaro from MSBY Black Jackals, reading thirst tweets with puppies. Send more of these guys so I can come and play the pups!"

𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐀 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐘𝐎

"Hello folks! This is Hinata Shoyo from MSBY Black Jackals and today I am reacting to thirst tweets!" the tangerine haired-boy said excitedly as rubber his palms together in delight.

In his muscular arms, he holds the phone the staff gave him and reads the first tweet.

Hinata Shoyo has such a big leap, like a rabbit, jsksjksjk he the cutest

Hinata giggles at the comparison, "I have been called a lot of things in life, rabbit has to be the first, I like it!"

He glances at the tweet again, "You know what else is big ?" he pauses looking down at his legs, "My...uh feet! My feet!" he quickly averts the topic after he earns a glare from the manager.

Research shows that if you are scared of spiders, you are likely to find them in your room...ooo I am so scared of Hinata Shoyo. It would be soooo scary if he climbed into my bed at night~

Hinata laughs loudly, licking his lips, "You guys are so creative, how do you even think of these things?"

Hinata shakes his head, smiling as he scrolls on

I want Hinata Shoyo to [redacted] me [redacted] and [redacted] my guts while whispering [redacted] into my ear.

"Did- did you just physically type out redacted-" Hinata says with his mouth open in shock, "it can be interpreted in many ways you know?"

"It can be I want Hinata Shoyo to call me tonight and operate my guts while whispering 'touch some grass' in my ear" He shrugs his shoulders, "Not so thirsty now."

Looking at Hinata should be illegal, I saw one of his games and now I got pregnant. Who is going to take the responsibility now @msbyblackjackals.official ? Huh? Huh??

"BAHAHAH you even tagged the official account" he laughs, wiping the tears from his eyes, "please let me know the update on the child, I will take responsibility."

"This was Hinata Shoyo from MSBY reading thirst tweets, thank you for all the sweet and thirsty comments, appreciate them equally"

𝐒𝐀𝐊𝐔𝐒𝐀 𝐊𝐈𝐘𝐎𝐎𝐌𝐈

"Do I really have to do this?" he mutters hesitant, looking at the rolling camera.

"Yes Sakusa-san, everyone from the team is doing this."

"Fine," he sighs, "this is Sakusa Kiyoomi from MSBY black jackals and I am reacting to thirst tweets."

He hesitantly reads the first question displayed on the screen

I want Sakusa to chew on my head like a bubblegum.

Sakusa looks at the camera with a disgusted expression, "no."

Omi is the man of my dreams, a knight in shining armour, rose petals and shit. I want him to rail the life out of me.

Sakusa sighs and lets out a small hum of acknowledgement, "This one isn't that bad. Flattered to hear that I am the man of your dreams, darling."

Not to be all NSFW and shit, but I wanna like...hold hands with Sakusa... >_<

Sakusa chortles at the message, "you got me scared there for a second. Sorry, I am not really good with physical contact and stuff, but this was sweet."

Sakusa's pretty and veiny hands with long fingers bark bark bark!! I wanna be a mosquito and suck the blood out of those veins nom nom; use them as a necklace and stuff.

"Very...specific fetishes you people have," he looks down at his hands, "no hand necklaces for you." he grins and flexes the veins on his hands, "Not until you ask nicely for it~."

"This was Sakusa Kiyoomi, reading thirst tweets. You guys need therapy and I am more than ready to pay for it."

"Oo Sugar Daddy Vibes," the production crew laughs.

"Remind me to never do this again."

- HAIKYU!! - Fanfictions

BYIDNI  ﹒ Request-Rules ﹒ Taglist  ﹒

TAGS: @akumicchi, @nanaseishiro, @denkis111, @futuristicallykawaiiturtle, @kristaline2dmensimp, @innerpurple,@juanasspirit, @renster05, @cleaningfairylevi, @itoshirinpdf

psst, hey, over here! Uhm hi :) Do you like reading? If so can you please check out my first novel? I am a 15-year-old author who needs support, I assure you it won't disappoint! Its okay if you don't buy, it would be enough to share the link with someone else who might be interested! I humbly request you support my career as a child author by purchasing my book. This would help me to write more books in future.

“Of Vengeance and Ashes” -> BUY NOW!!!!

[malarkgirlypop]

MEDIC! Part 37 (Donald Malarkey x Fem!OC)

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK OH FUCK!

TW- Violence

Based on the HBO show and the actors who portray the characters, not hate to anyone involved.

Tag list: @imusicaddict, @b00ks1ut , @mstiemountainhop, @awaterfalls, @lovememadly92 @lucyfromtheoldhouse @blueberry-ovaries anyone else please let me know.

We picked two replacements up on the way to the checkpoint, the two young men got into the back and chatted to Grant and I along the way. 

Grant was showing off to the young men telling terrible jokes and long winded stories. The two soldiers stared blankly at him as he finished his latest joke. 

The joke didn’t land from the silence of the back seat, their confusion sent me into hysterics, soon the replacements joined in too, not really knowing what they were laughing at. 

I think the boys just wanted to impress Grant, him being their senior and all. They laughed politely even when they had no clue what was going on. The men just seemed to be happy to be spoken to. 

We hadn’t made it to the checkpoint just yet but for some reason Grant slowed the jeep. I cast my eyes forward focussing on the scene ahead of us. Other cars were scattered along the sides of the road, some blocking the path altogether. My brows furrowed as I looked over to Grant who wore the same expression. 

The car pulled to a stop parking the car in the middle of the road. He had left some space between the scene in front of us and the car. We both dismounted the car, Grant requesting the men in the backseat to stay put as we walked closer to the cars scattered across the road. 

“You should get back into the car Em.” Grant told me, not looking at me as he spoke. 

“I think there is safety in numbers.” I disagreed with his statement, I wasn’t going to sit in the car and potentially watch him walk alone into danger.  

My gut swirled and my skin tingled, something wasn’t right about this situation. 

We approached the cars, I swallowed my gasp as it rose in my throat. Lying on the ground were bodies, multiple people unmoving in pools of blood. I looked at Grant, concern lined his features as he took in the same information. 

I bent down, my fingers finding the inside of the neck of the man closest to me. He was cold to the touch with no sign of life under my fingertips. It seemed he had been here for quite some time, as I tried to pull his eyelids shut but rigour mortis had already set in. 

Grant watched me, I looked up to him to shake my head, a silent exchange. We hadn’t uttered a word to each other since we had gotten closer, as if the sound of our voices would disturb a monster lurking in the shadows. 

As if my thoughts had been said aloud, a man appeared from the darkness. Goosebumps rose on my skin and bile in my throat. The way he moved was unsettling, as if there weren’t bodies laying at our feet.   

I didn’t recognise the man, but he wore an American uniform, so he had to be one of ours. Grant gestured for me to come close to him, we had been on separate sides of the road. His hand was outstretched for mine. I rose from my position slowly trying not to spook the man now standing before us. 

My hand reached out for Grants as he took mine, he subtly pulled me behind him, stepping in front of me. My stomach churned, my breathing erratic. The voice inside my head called for me to drag Chuck back to the jeep and leave. But I stood silently, a pace behind Grant, still gripping his hand like a lifeline.  

“You ok man? Do you need some help?” Grant asked tentatively. His voice in the silent night made it seem as if he was yelling. I tried to even out my breaths. 

Grant’s question made the man stagger closer to us. I felt the blood drain from my face as my eyes focussed on the gun in his hand. The man laughed, smiling at us in the darkness. That action alone sent chills up my spine as the hairs on my neck stood on end. My grip grew even tighter on Chuck’s hand. I was silently begging him to leave with me. But instead he did the opposite, dropping my hand to my side. 

He glanced over his shoulder, a weary look on his face, he was trying to distance me from the man. I bit my tongue, but I couldn’t urge my feet to move forward. I was frozen watching Grant approach the man alone. 

“They wouldn’t give me any gas.” The man's slurs pulled our gazes from each other. We watched him cautiously like a wild animal, we had no idea what he was capable of.   

The drunk man motioned with the gun to the people who lay lifeless on the ground. I had only assumed, but his actions made it clear. He had killed them. This man was dangerous. 

“Krauts!” The man bent forward screaming at the dead man on the floor. I begged for my mouth to work, for my feet to work but all I could do was stand still watching in pure horror. My heartbeat fought to muffle all other sounds in my ears. Tears pricked my eyes, I didn’t care if they were Krauts he took their lives in cold blood, over gas.  

Grant moved forward. I whimpered silently. I willed him to stop with my eyes but he wasn’t looking at me, he hadn’t taken his eyes off of the soldier. He was inching closer to someone we couldn’t trust, who had killed over something as simple as gas. If we weren’t careful we could be on the receiving end of the weapon he carelessly flung about. 

The soldier stumbled away back to his jeep, turning his back on us. I finally willed my feet to move forward. The crunch of gravel underfoot seemed to be louder than bombs with each step I took. Grant must’ve felt the same way as his head snapped over his shoulder to look at me. He subtly shook his head, he was going to handle this. I was going to fight him over it but our second of refuge was soon shattered. 

Grant walked closer again to the man. I let the cry of protest die in my throat. 

“I tried to explain, this fucking limey wouldn’t listen. I think he was a Major.” The man’s words strung together in a long sentence as he again motioned to the man who was clearly dead. The man was an American Major, fuck. We’re fucked. 

“Hey private, we’ve got a problem here.” Grant spoke in an even tone. All I could do was watch, tears pricked in my eyes. We needed to get out of here, but we were already in too deep, there was no way out of this.  

“You got any gas?” The private asked with a vicious grin plastered on his face. He acted like Chuck hadn’t even spoken. 

“Why don’t you give me your weapon.” It wasn’t a question, Grant was going to take the gun off of the man whether he wanted him to or not. Chucked stepped forward, his hand outstretched readying to remove the weapon from the man himself. I stood still, my hands clasped together, I could feel my nails digging into my palms and the sheen of sweat that lined my brow.  

“I guess I’ll use his jeep, I-I don’t think he’s going to be needing it.” The man wandered away, back to the jeep the Major slumped beside. 

“Hold on a second there alright.” Grant yelled at the man, surging forward. It all happened too fast or too slow. I wasn’t sure. It all became a blur in the end. Grant’s actions caused the man to swing around from his journey back to the car, he raised his weapon with no hesitation. 

BANG. 

The shot rippled through the still night air. I watched the bullet leave from the gun, straight into Grant’s fucking head. With a sickening crack his head took the brunt of the force, his neck snapped to the side. Blood splattered as Grant crumpled to the ground. 

My screams pierced the air as I ran forward trying desperately to catch Chuck before he hit the ground, but I wasn’t fast enough. His dead weight crashing to the ground. 

I sobbed kneeling beside Grant as I took his torso into my lap. 

“Grant!” I wailed, his eyes rolled back in his head as his breathing became shallow. I pressed my hand to the injury trying to stop the bleeding but his blood seeped between my fingers and onto my pants.   

I couldn’t hear anything over my sobs. I didn’t know if the replacements had seen what happened or if they were calling for help. I didn’t even know where the man had gone. 

Turns out I should’ve been paying more attention. A pained scream strangled from my throat. A hand firmly gripped my hair and yanked me backwards. The force propelled me back, as my hands scrambled to release the death grip that tore the hair from my skull. My legs kicked out from beneath me, the hand not giving me enough time to find my footing. I screamed in pain as I was dragged all the way to the jeep. 

I looked up to find him. The soldier. But he wasn’t just the soldier that murdered my friend and took other innocent lives. His eyes were familiar. I wasn’t close enough to see it before. 

He’s the man from the bar. 

*************************************

Chapter 38

[astramachina]

update on health because i griped and doomed all the way up to surgery: i am still boggled by the fact that i've had 0 pain up until today, where i'm dealing with a hint of discomfort in the spot multiple docs told me had the most damage. they did warn that while my pain levels would decrease considerably, pain from scarred tissue will simply continue to exist. so if this is the extent of it, dude, i am thrilled.

so far the worst has been removing the steri-strips. take them off a week after surgery, they said. well i tried, and i almost passed out twice. it's been a week and a half and i can only remove one a day. 😂 also the bruising???? i haven't had bruises this bad since i had to get cut out of a car after an accident when i was 20.

some other observations under the cut that are TMI but i feel needs to be talked about when it comes to people on HRT, so beware:

one of the things i was told to brace for was my body going into menopause because absolutely everything was removed, but my body sort of reacted in the opposite direction? rather than hot flashes, i was freaking cold all the time. and i'm someone who is always fucking melting from the heat. the temperature disregulation gets a bit annoying because my face/head will get hot to the point where i feel miserable while my hands feel like they're going to freeze and break off.

i'm sure this is a consequence of having been on T for almost three years, and doctors hardly know how to deal with cis women undergoing radical hysterectomies, so i shouldn't be surprised they know even less about trans bodies.

that said, what my body is actually doing, is reliving the glory days of when i started HRT. my skin? EXTRA oily, heralding the return of acne after i finally evened out and my face had cleared. :/ my libido? un-fucking-bearable. doctors be saying this shit will decrease sex drives and while that might hold true for cis women dropkicked into menopause (and/or other people not on HRT who've undergone the procedure), i think my body getting flushed with testosterone that is no longer met with the hormones produced by ovaries has had the opposite effect.

the oily skin i can somewhat curb because i never stopped doing my daily facial cleanse, but the libido is annoying as fuck. like, listen here bruv, ain't nothing we can do about that for however many months, so you better chill the fuck out. can't even threaten to fistfight it because it's already injured.

basically it feels like my body is going through puberty 3: the reckoning, which is absolutely not what i was expecting. i know this is just my body slipping and sliding all over the place as it tries to regulate its hormones AGAIN but goddamn.

[leeknowsintrusivethots]

Marked By Him

| Part 1 | Part 2 |

Pairings: Vampire!Lee Know/OC

Summary: Vampyres dominate the entertainment world with their otherworldly beauty and talent. It's a world you must be born into, but a few lucky ones are Marked. Stripped from her home and everything she knows, Minji's Marking means that she has to rely on the Devil himself, Lee Minho, to be her mentor. He's cute and sweet to the public, but behind closed doors the monster comes out to play.

Content: Angst, Slow burn, lotsa plot, eventual smut, vampires, dark themes, original characters, first person perspective, general 18+ content, alternate idol universe, asshole Lee Know, surprise love triangle, discussion of blood, discussions of death, discussion of illness

WC: 3218

Minors do not interact. Do not repost my content to other websites, this includes translations.

Notes: Vampire Lee Know is wrecking my ovaries and we ain't even started yet. It just suits him, ya know? Probably Hyunjin too but I might cease breathing.

Sweat trickled from my hairline and had loose hairs sticking to my forehead. I used the bottom of my shirt to dab at it in annoyance as the song that was booming through the speakers came to an end. It was no use. I was drenched and in actual pain. Two hours straight of dancing apparently will do that to you.

"Good job, Ladies! Refreshments are available in the back. Feel free to grab some before you head out and I will see all of you for our next session on Friday night," the dance trainer, a young looking Vampyre woman, called from the front of the room in dismissal. At her words, I relaxed my posture and my muscles groaned in relief. It was only the first dance practice, and it was grueling. I didn't even want to think about how much worse future ones would be.

"You did good, kid," Maeri quipped as she skipped up to me. She had a sheen of sweat on her, but still seemed to be in good spirits. I wasn't surprised. She was an eighteen year old human trainee that had been with JYP since she was fifteen. She was likely well accustomed to the practices, and she was also a dancing talent.

"She's a year older than you, Maeri. Don't forget your manners," Yoojin scolded as she approached to stand with us. Maeri stuck her tongue out childishly at Yoojin who simply gave her a playful glare in response.

"Here. From what I understand, humans need water," Yoojin said, turning her attention back to me. She handed me a bottle of water that I took gleefully.

"Thank you!" I immediately took a large refreshing drink from the chilled beverage as I looked over my current companions and roommates.

Maeri was easy enough to understand. She was one of the human trainees at JYP, and she radiated a youthful energy filled with sunshine and childishness. Her hair was cropped short in a tomboy fashion but she was naturally cute without trying. At our first meeting two days ago, she immediately began treating me like we had been friends for years.

Yoojin was cooler, but still incredibly nice. She was a Vampyre by heritage, her forehead lacking the telltale giveaway of a Mark, and had joined JYP at seventeen. She was now twenty two and gave off cool older sister vibes that immediately made me comfortable around her. Her hair was kept long and she was always dressed in sleek fashion styles even around the dorm and at practice. Just like most Vampyres, she was drop dead beautiful in a way that made me feel almost inferior.

They had both already become a bit of a safe haven for me and I would forever be eternally grateful to them for making me feel more welcomed than my actual mentor did.

Speaking of the Devil…

"Minji!" My name was being huffed loud enough that I could hear it from across the room. Lee Minho marched through the throng of fangirling trainees with a deadly stare leveled in my direction. Gooseflesh covered me at his look - at his mere presence.

"Minho… I-"

"Eleven thirty," he said simply in a gruff voice when he was towering right in front of me. I fought the urge to cower under his irritation. If he was to be my mentor, I had to learn how to control myself better even when he was in a mood.

"I-"

"I don't have time to wait around for you when we agreed to a set time," he interrupted. His frustration was evident, but not nearly as intense as he had been at our first and last meeting. I got the feeling he was tempering himself with the audience in the room.

"I am sorry, Lee Minho. Practice ran a little late and I distracted her from her duties. It's all my fault," Yoojin spoke up suddenly in a sweetly polite voice. I glanced at her in confusion, but she simply shot me a reassuring smile in return.

"Park Yoojin," he mused in a much softer tone. He seemed to contemplate something with one final look in my direction before focusing fully on my roommate. "I might have to ask you to ensure that Minji is more timely in the future."

"Oh, of course. I am sorry to have burdened you," Yoojin smiled gracefully and gave a soft and small bow of respect. "It won't happen again."

Minho contemplated her for another small moment before the irritation melted from his features like ice on a hot summer day. He smiled a small and reserved smile and my breath left me. It wasn't big enough to reach his eyes, but it softened his features and made him look younger - boyishly handsome. He was suddenly the man I had spent countless hours watching variety content for and not the scary Vampyre who was my reluctant mentor.

"Wow," Maeri breathed in a whisper from my side. She had been mysteriously quiet during the exchange, but seemingly couldn't help herself at his shift in demeanor. He barely even spared her a glance.

"Thank you," Minho directed politely, if not coolly at Yoojin before turning his focus back to me. His annoyance had been abated by her charm, but just one look at me and his features were twisting again. "Let's go, Minji."

He turned on his heel and headed for the door of the practice room without waiting for a response. He seemed to be under the impression I would simply fall into line and listen. I wanted to stand there and glare at his back like he was as inconsequential as he treated me, but I didn't. I smiled sheepishly at my new friends in apology while grabbing my duffle bag from the benches and trailing after him with the eyes of an entire room drilling holes into my back.

I had to step quickly in order to catch up with his purposeful stride. He wasn't the tallest man, but he was taller than me and he was walking like he wanted to lose me. Out of a small act of rebellion, I wouldn't let him. When I finally caught up to reach his side, we were in one of the office hallways. He stopped abruptly and punched the button for an elevator without sparing me a glance or a single word. Even on the elevator up, he stayed that way. I didn't exist. I wasn't real: I was the ghost at his side.

His silence was far more comfortable than when he spoke, but his presence still had prickles of awareness and adrenaline shooting across my skin. The danger he possessed would not be ignored even if I could be. As a man, he could overpower me easily: as a mature Vampyre, he could snap my neck with all the effort of pressing an elevator button. I hoped he would never feel inclined to. He was Lee Know, after all. He was weird but cute and caring to his members. He was a nation's idol. He was not a murderer, at least I hoped he wasn't.

When we made it to conference room zero, I didn't even wait for instructions. I sat in the same seat I had two nights ago and pulled out my copy of Marked from my bag along with a spiral notebook I had prepared for notes. I hadn't really needed to notate anything in the introduction chapter, but I was prepared in case Minho had any more insight. I had always been that kid who liked learning and school, but now it was even more personal and vital.

Minho lazily took his chair across the table from me. He didn't have any supplies. All he had was himself and the level look of disinterest he shot at me from across the table.

"I finished the chapter," I started before he could make some mocking or demeaning comment. I was attempting to control a situation that I knew could not be controlled - a man that could not be contained.

"So you can follow instructions," he mused in his bored tone. "Did you have any questions?"

"No. It was all stuff that was in the pamphlets and an overview of future chapters," I answered quickly. I had hoped that our meeting would be quick - that I could escape unscathed. Minho had encouraged as much at our last encounter.

"That's incorrect."

"What?" I asked in confusion.

"The Sickness and Bloodlust were not covered in the pamphlets. If they were, we'd have scared relatives banging down our doors," he explained calmly.

"Well, yes," I admitted after a moment of thought. Both of those topics were the scarier of the things the introduction chapter had touched on, and neither had been covered in the pamphlets that were given to me and my parents when the tracker found me. They were certainly not unknowns however, and I voiced that opinion despite my better judgment. "The Association may not advertise either of them, but it doesn't mean that no one is aware of them."

"And how aware are you?" He asked with amusement. I felt my back stiffen in my seat. Bored Minho seemed tolerable, but amused Minho and I had not had good experiences together.

"Bloodlust happens as a point of maturity for both Marks and born Vampyres - it's public knowledge. The textbook mentioned that it can be harder and stronger for Marks, what with former human sentimentality and all, and usually happens towards the end of the Change," I explained in as clinical a way as I could. Just because I knew, didn't mean it made it less uncomfortable to talk about. In a matter of time, I would leave the luxury of cheesecake behind for human blood or the many substitutes the Association funded. It was morbid and made bile rise in my throat to think about.

"It's hormonal," Minho started. His stare was still level, almost unbothered. "And it's not just blood."

I felt my body heat in discomfort and embarrassment. I knew what he was getting at and I didn't need him to explain further. Just like human teenagers going through puberty, Bloodlust in young Marks and Vampyres always came with a lust of a more human nature as well. The book had briefly mentioned as much along with it being covered more thoroughly in a later chapter. It wasn't something I would have to deal with anytime soon.

"Yes, well," I cleared my throat in nerves before shifting direction. "Everyone knows of the Sickness too. If a Mark is not around mature Vampyres for an extended period of time, they will get sick."

"You," Minho corrected sternly. "You will get sick, and you will die."

His deadpan tone had me shivering at the implications of his words. Humor was a coping mechanism for a lot of people in dark times or on dark subjects, but there was no humor in his statement. It was bland, and it was said with dry amusement. The concept of me ceasing to exist was not even worthy of any ounce of humanity from him.

"I'm here now, so all is good," I nodded sagely more to myself than him. If he would offer no comfort or affirmation, I would give it to myself in the best way I could.

He studied me for a moment, his eyes squinting slightly as if he were looking at a bug under a microscope. As usual, I couldn't help my reaction under his direct stare. My awareness of him shot into high gear, and so did my awareness of myself.

The sweat from dance practice had mostly cooled along with my body temperature, but I felt heat spreading through me again. I knew I looked embarrassing: frazzled hair held back from my bare and unremarkable face in a ponytail and baggy exercise clothes that were stained with sweat. I'm sure I probably smelled like I needed a shower. I knew Vampyres had keener senses than humans, and I suddenly worried I smelled like a men's locker room to Minho. Only a small voice of rational thought in my head cried out in question as to why I would care what he thought. It was quickly silenced by nerves - and admittedly hormones.

I had spent years being enamored with the idol across from me, and not even his attitude soured his levels of attractiveness. He was beautiful, and I couldn't deny it no matter how much the rational part of my brain screamed that beauty could be a facade. It could hide demons better than any mask could - it was the perfect disguise and the perfect get out jail free card.

He brought his arms up to the table and I watched in rapture as the muscles flexed and the veins became more pronounced as he moved. He propped his elbows on the table and rested his head in the palms of both his hands. It was a cute pose, a disarming pose, and when he smiled I felt my heart pound out a symphony of praise.

Lee Know was smiling at me - not Yoojin this time, but me - and I didn't know how to take it.

"Park Jinyoung wants me to make it abundantly clear: if you leave, you will die," he said with the smile still playing at the corners of his mouth. It only seemed to widen as he continued to speak words that didn't fit such a handsome face. "I want to make it abundantly clear: staying doesn't mean you won't die."

"Are you threatening me?" I managed to sputter in astonishment.

"It's not a threat - it's a good natured warning," he responded easily. The smile had faded and his neutral bored expression was back in place. He was messing with me, toying with me. I wanted to fight him, and I had never been inclined towards violence.

"Are you going to be the one who kills me if I stay?" I asked incredulously. It was meant to sound mocking, but I could hear the fear in my voice. If the way Minho's mouth lifted again with a little smirk was any indication, he could too.

"No," he answered cavalierly. "But…"

"Yes because when lives are in question, butts are always a part of the equation," I rambled as he trailed off. It was the adrenaline talking, mild panic setting in at the horror and absurdity of a Kpop idol threatening my life.

"You do know who you're talking to, right?" he asked. The insanity of it was compounded by the humor suddenly evident in his features and the genuine laugh he let out. It was infectious, contagious. It was the same laugh I had fallen head over heels for after watching so many hours of Stray Kids content where he was doing what he does best: being the honorable Butt Hunter Lee Know. That laugh ordinarily would have soothed the tension, made me relaxed and happy, but now it just put me more on edge. He was a psycho - an absolute mental case.

I started to tell him as much when the sound of a phone buzzing cut the tension in the room. It was a normal sound. It was a sound I heard so often before my life had changed completely. It was out of place in a situation that had to be a dream - a wacky nightmare.

"I have to go, but I have homework for you before I do. Think of it as a critical thinking problem." He reached into his pocket to silence his phone without taking his eyes from mine. "Marks are rare, right?"

He posed it as a question, and I immediately took more interest and sobered to the situation actually at hand. It wasn't a dream - it was real life - and I had to be conscious of whatever information I could get. I wanted to live. I wanted to thrive regardless of whatever fucked up biology was going on inside me and to do so required that I listen to the crazy man across from me. He was my mentor. I had to rely on him even if I didn't want to, even if I wasn't convinced he wasn't a murderer.

I nodded in answer to his question.

The Association touted being Marked as bearing an incredibly rare genetic mutation that initiated the Change. It was biology and their explanation of the event was backed by human scientists. Testing for the mutation was still an experimental science, one that most medical professionals had no interest in due to the high costs and minimal humans impacted. All of these factors compounded in Marks only being found at the onset of the Change, or early adulthood. The specific timing only made the mutation appear even more limited.

"Rare, but not that rare. Every year here in Korea alone, a handful are found and placed in the biggest Entertainment Companies as trainees," Minho explained. He seemed to be deep in thought as he did, mulling over his every word carefully even as he spoke. "Do you know of any active groups with a Mark as a member? Have you seen news of any Marks debuting? Switching companies? Getting kicked from their programs?"

His questions were rapid, fired off quickly but calmly. The more he asked, the more my brain went into overdrive. The answer to every single one was a resounding 'no.' It was strange, to say the least, but did it mean anything? Many human and Vampyre trainees came and went, not making any waves or gaining any fame. They simply went back to life as normal, and some stayed to work behind the scenes in production and management. A lack of media presence didn't automatically indicate death.

"So…?" I asked, but the door was already clicking behind him. He was gone and I was left to think on my own, which was not a good thing under normal circumstances and these were no ordinary circumstances. I sat in the conference room for longer than I had intended, thinking over his words and thinking of him. The information he gave me was confusing and he was confusing.

By the time I managed to pull myself up, I felt like an idiot. Lee Minho was fucking with me. He was playing some strange game, a prank even, and I had fallen for it. I had almost gone full conspiracy theory mode because of an asshole who apparently got off on the confusion and misery of others. Now that his presence wasn't around to confuse me, rationality was finally winning out.

I felt better as I made my way out of the office and down to the ground floor. Maeri and Yoojin had agreed to wait for me in the trainee break room in-between lessons. Maeri was going to order lunch and she had talked at length about a Chinese place she had delivered often. Chinese food was one of my great loves in life so my spirits lifted even as my stomach grumbled.

I tried not to, but even with thoughts of Rangoons on the brain, I couldn't help but notice: not a single person out of the many I passed on my way bore Markings.

[sukunafuka]

Thinking about your accurate bf sukuna piece and imagining him managing to successfully baby trap you after that day and you thought maybe he’d chill out a bit once you were pregnant since he got what he wanted, but actually he’s worse and just becomes more obsessive because seeing you swelling up because of him gets all his possessive primal urges going. Once the baby is born he gets fixated with sucking the milk from the breasts, claiming that he’s doing it to stop you from feeling sore but you know that it’s really for his own selfish desires. You manage to hold him off from fucking you for six weeks after the birth but he refuses to wait any longer, he’ll force you if he has to, maybe he’ll kidnap you again if you won’t comply, he’ll be meaner too since you’ve probably realised its him from the get go this time around. You’ve got to understand this is HIS choice not yours, he’s going to fill you up with his seed as many times as he wants, you’ll carry his child as many times as he wants, you belong to him after all <3

i think my ovaries just exploded. anon come here rn i need to give you the most slobbery kiss of your life. lord that was SO HOT HES SO TERRIBLE AND A BAD PERSON AND IMMORAL AND I NEED HIM IN MY GUTS

[adminbryantsaki]

Nesting, Breeding, and Rut/Heat.

Featuring Luna! Naga! Hizashi Yamada and Alpha! Werewolf! Shouta Aizawa. (I do not own Hizashi Yamada/Present Mic or Shouta Aizawa/ Eraserhead. Horikoshi Kohei does. If this isn’t your cup of tea, blend of spices, or Brew of coffee, move on. Reader discretion is advised.)

TW: ABO Dynamics, Smut, oviposition, swollen stomach due to eggs, talk about reproductive organs.  

WC: 1,100

(As a refresher for this post, a Luna is a sub-dynamic of an Alpha that can present with both sets of genitals, experience both a heat and a rut, and can get pregnant and impregnate others.)

(This is an addition to one of my kinktober stories that had to do with Hawks. I decided to make a headcanon post this month as I didn’t have an idea for a story.)

Hizashi

Nesting.

When the mood strikes, he will be hyper focused on making a nest. This means there are at least three nests all over the house. One in the master bedroom in the corner, one in his in-home office, and one in the living room. These things are like caves that he can hide in whenever it suits him, especially after a rough and long day where the extrovert needs to have some space and chill out on his own. Think of Hizashi’s nest as a type of pillow fort that needs to have a thick blanket to cover the floor and high for him to coil and a thin blanket or sheet to make a tent over the nest so he can have privacy if he needs it. Sometimes he will steal an old shirt that Shouta hasn’t worn in a while and put in a special drawer that can be nesting fodder for Hizashi when the urge to nest hits him.

Breeding/ heat and rut.

A Luna is a dynamic that can experience both a heat and a rut. For Hizashi, his heat and rut alternate months and happen once a month like a period. During the months that he has his heat, his ovaries produce eggs that drop into his uterus and make his uterus grow out a little bit, making him look pregnant when he isn’t. He can either lay the eggs when they drop down into his pelvis or have them fertilized and after about two weeks, he will carry them for about nine months then lay them. During the time that he is ovulating, he is extremely moody and will hide in one of his nests, sending requests via text to Shouta for food or water as he doesn’t want to move from where he is until he lays the eggs or Shouta comes to mate with him to ease the pains of his heat. One time, Shouta had brought him some fried chicken that he requested and found Hizashi coiled up in the nest he had built in his office and a glaring pair of green eyes was staring at him. “Put the food outside the nest then leave if you wish to have your dick spared. This heat is hell and I am resisting having you come in here and screw me until this heat is satisfied or I’m pregnant. Whichever comes first.” He spoke. Shouta walked over and placed the bucket in front of the nest and went to the door. “Text me once you’ve had food. I might just take you up on that.” He says before leaving the office.

When he’s in rut, He’s irritable and on edge at work. Almost as if the slightest thing would make him snap unless he was able to drop the rather heavy clutch he was carrying into his partner or into an artificial womb.  His scent is a strong orange scent with cinnamon and lemon undertones, almost like warmed apple cider when his rut gets really rough and he sometimes ignores it as to not cause trouble with his mate.

When he is alone with his mate, he will use an aphrodisiac to send his mate into a state of pure bliss and act as a pain killer for the amount of eggs he will stuff his mate with.  The incubation process lasts nine to twelve months and Hizashi produces 10-15 eggs that he gives to his mate. Up to four eggs will be fertilized if that happens after a transfer of eggs. The rest will either be absorbed by the fertilized eggs or birthed to be ground up for the mother to eat to regain strength.

Shouta

Nesting.

Although it isn’t normal for Alphas to nest, Shouta feels the need to make a safe place for himself and his mate. Sometimes his nest is a place for himself to unwind after a long day and he just wants to sleep or a place that he can claim his mate over and over all night long.

  Breeding

When it comes time that Shouta’s urge to breed his mate is so strong, he can’t resist it any longer, he will treat his mate to a special dinner before guided them to his bedroom and into his nest where he would begin to ease you out of your clothes and onto your back where he could make sweet love to you all night long. He would be on the rough side, but he would make sure to care for you the next morning and treat you well for the day or however long it took for you to feel better and how long his rut would last.

Rut.

Onto his rut, he is very irritable about the week before his rut and he’s clingier to you when you’re around.  You better plan to have that week off from work, because he won’t let you get far during his rut. You can tell a change in his mood and facial expression when his rut comes. He’s flirtier than normal and he will show small PDAs when the two of you are out. If another Alpha or Luna eyes you, he will growl at them and pull you closer. He also can’t keep his hands off you whenever the two of you are alone. He will place kisses all over your neck, shoulders, and face until you give in and begin to make out with him to help ease his urges. When his rut is over, he typically takes a day or two to recover and help clean up and make sure you’re alright before going back to work.

The end.

(I hope you enjoyed this story. Don’t forget to like and reblog. I’ll see you in the next one, bye!)

Tagging: @chaos-night @reciproburstbaby @suzuki-violin-school

[ray935sworld]

VR's academy of supernatural riders (Part 6: Lego, unwanted apologies and a phone call)

Mention of religious belief. They don't allign 100% with the taught practice as this is from my own believes that I decided to copy. I do not intend to disrespect someone or a religion.

Mention of injuries

Alex was raised Christian. He always followed their believes, at least those that went along with his morally views. Still he couldn’t help himself but believe in past lives. The thought that a soul would just disappear to heaven didn’t sit right him. Thinking that there was something like a past life in between or before going to heaven gave him chill he couldn’t describe.

He sat in his corner, his head on Luca’s shoulder, trying to sleep. No, he didn’t really try to sleep. He knew he wouldn’t fall asleep when he didn’t knew what was going on with his brother. There was no reason to lie about that.

Maybe Marc was paying off a debt of his past life. That would explain the accident. Afterall there was no rational explanation for it. It would also explain his constant injuries. It would explain why the arm was still a pain to him.

The irony was clear. What used to be his worst injury was now actually the least of his worries. Not to mention the eye. It was nothing compared to that. Back then, they had worried if he could ever use it. No he worried he might never be able to use his brain again.

Looking back, Alex realized that Marc must have been a terrible asshole if his theory was true. He already suffered a lot. How much debt did he had to pay?

“Do you think Marc was an asshole in his past lives?” Luca didn’t believe in past lives, Alex knew that. He chose to ignore it. “No. Not if he was anything like this Marc” “He is an asshole in this life.” He reflected. “He always destroyed my Lego-houses because he wanted the stones. Just because he didn’t like mine. Mine were beautiful. I used all the colours. His were organized. Who built organized Legos?” They haven’t played in years. Why did he think about it now?

He remembered how they played together. They even had small bikes and tried to rebuild tracks. They raced against each other which mainly meant waiting for the point they just put them at the finish line screaming they’d won.

“Yeah? What a mean kid” “And on track- he always told me I couldn’t take the corners like that. But he did it the same way! He is such a hypocrite. Have you seen his riding style? That’s fucking dangerous! Look at his scars.” “If you now tell me about his track war crimes in italian, I’ll drag you to the ranch. As if I haven’t heard enough about that already” Alex couldn’t help but giggle about it. “Maybe I didn’t had to worry about you and Vale getting along all the time. Maybe you’ve got more in common than I thought” His voice was playful. He didn’t mean it of course.

He didn’t know how long they sat there. Alex was a mess of memories. The older man that was sitting in the waiting room with them had already left. His wife had surgery for ovary cancer. Everything went well. She just needed radio therapy and she’d live to see her grandchildren graduate.

The kid and the mother were gone as well. Her other child, an even younger boy had ear surgery to fix a small problem that had grown wrong.

After that he went back to counting the minutes and thinking about everything and nothing. At some point he realized something else. “I haven’t called our parents yet” he admitted. A mix of guilt and relieve made itself known in his chest. Yes, his parents didn’t know that Marc was hurt but that also meant they didn’t had to worry like he did right now.

Now it was only Luca and himself. And the stars. It was already dark outside. A young nurse had come to them at around 7pm and offered them something to eat. Alex denied it immediately. He felt like throwing up. The thought of having to swallow something made him want to throw up. Especially bread.

Luca had given him a worried glance and paid for a big bottle of water, two apples and two packs of nuts. As soon as they were alone he made a point of asking (forcing) the older one to at least eat a little bit and drink something. If it wasn’t for Luca, he wouldn’t have listened.

“That’s okay” It wasn’t, Alex reminded himself, but Luca wouldn’t risk making him feel worst than he already did. “No it isn’t… If Marc gets worst… They have a right to… You know” “Yeah, so… What are we going to do?” “I… I don’t want to tell them when we know nothing but it’s been so long and I’m not sure if that’s good or not.” “We could wait until we have at least a vague certainty.” “But if it’s a bad certainty? Shouldn’t they know immediately? I know I wasted that chance but still.” “Maybe. I think at the moment it’s the most important is to do what helps you the most. What feels right to you, Alex?” “Not telling them” he admitted. “Okay, then we’ll wait” Luca agreed.

It was like a bed time story. He almost fell asleep when it was past 1am. It had been a long day after all. The mess of emotions tired him. So he asked his boyfriend to grab him a red bull. He couldn’t fall asleep yet. Luca bought two. One Acai, Alex favourite flavour and a tropical-yellow one, the one Luca preferred. Both knew it’d be a long night and both being sponsored by energy drinks, the needed level of caffein was higher than normally. It probably wouldn’t even affect them as much.

Luca sometimes texted his friends. They didn’t tell them what happened obviously. Alex read the texts as well. He understood written Italian very well, but Luca had to explain some inside jokes.

It was a good distraction. It helped him focused on different things other than the obvious. They later went through the Italians gallery. He told him the stories behind his favourite pictures. Alex knew most of them already. Not that that mattered.

He loved to hear how Migno had once accidently sat Bez hair on fire. Or how Cele had once gotten a speaking-stop after asking to many ‘why?’ questions and Franky had used the opportunity to put some kind of thick mechanical tape over his mouth. He screamed like a baby when the pulled it off and with it came the first hairs of the beard of the youngest off. Or what unhinged spooky stories Pecco had told them when none of the academy boys were adults yet and they had decided to camp in the garden of the ranch.

The hours passed and it felt like days.

With every hour he wasn’t sure if he it was good or bad. The only updates they got were “We don’t know yet” “We can’t say anything certain at this point” “Please have some patients. His injuries are really severe” It was never good when someone was in a long surgery. But if he needed it? It was good if they didn’t hurry and took their time to do it right, wasn’t it?

It was in the middle of the night when an exhausted looking doctor opened the door. He didn’t care about the time. He didn’t want to look at a watch right now either. He knew he’d just be terrified if he knew that his brother was in surgery for well over 12 hours. The head of surgery was exactly like he imagined her earlier. Old but not senior. Around 50, maybe early 60 if she has a good skin cream. Her eyes were tired. He didn’t had the energy to notice the sad look in her eyes as she approached him.

“So, how is my brother?”

“You must be Alex Marquez?” she asked looking at the Spaniard who had hurried to stand up and get to her. Another, way younger doctor was there. He was probably around 30. He gave them a neutral look with a kind nod.

“Yes I am.” Luca seemed a little bit lost like he wasn’t sure if he should leave them alone or listen. Alex answered the unspoken question by taking his hand, their fingers intervened, pulling him closer. “That’s Luca, my boyfriend. Is it okay if he listens too?” “Yes, of course it is, as long as you agree.” She gave them a small smile.

It was the one question he had to ask but was too afraid to actually get an answer to. His shoulders were tensed. He felt his muscles close around his bones. It almost hurt. His pulse was shot. He felt his hands shaking. The tiredness he felt was away, just like his exhaustion. The only thing that mattered was whatever he would now hear.

“Please understand, before I say anything else, that your brother is severely injured. We are talking about bad injuries even in your career field. There are wounds no medicine can fully cure. And in your brother cases, he sadly is one of those examples. He-“ “What is that supposed to mean? Is he… gone? He’s dead?”

Saying it out loud broke a part of him he already thought was broken. He felt Luca holding his hand tighter. But it didn’t make sense. She would have say it right away, not talk like that.

“He isn’t pass the dangerous time. He is still at a very critical point. His body is weak. Exhausted from the injury and we can’t know… How long he can survive in that state. There is nothing we can do for him at this point. He- His injuries were deep and very, very bad. His body kind of hit the emergency button. He is in a coma and we can’t do anything about it. You can imagine it like… Like a computer, you close everything you don’t need to focus the energy on that one part that needs it.”

Focus Alex. Focus.

He didn’t know what to say to that. It felt like a thousand punches right in the stomach. It was like someone put their hand through his chest and pulled out his chest just so he could see his heart beating.

The doctor continued her explanation. She saw her lips move. Word after word. Marc. She was talking about Marc. He should listen.

Only some fragments made it to his brain. He could hear the blood running in his ears. It was loud. Why was it so loud? He needed to listen.

No. Doctors weren’t supposed to apologize. She wasn’t meant to say sorry. ‘Sorry I cant save your brother. Sorry you have a dead brother. Sorry I have to tell you that you are going to watch your brother slowly died’

“… has internal bleedings… a lot of blood has collected in his pelvis… broken bones… spine…” No. Panic rise in him.

Not focus. Don’t focus. He had changed his mind. He didn’t want to hear it anymore. Scary. It was too scary. Marc would be okay. He’d be okay. Luca had promised it. “…brain injury we can’t locate fully when he is that weak.”

He wanted to return to his delusional thoughts that allowed him to believe the injuries weren’t major.

He felt his legs gave in. He felt like falling but he didn’t. Then he heard the sentence that gave him the rest. “It is unlikely he is physically able to overcome his injury. I am so sorry.”

No. No, Marc wasn’t a helpless case. He wasn’t doomed to spend the rest of his life fighting for a chance of survival that was impossible to catch. He had to see him. He needed to see that what his heart was telling him – that Marc would be okay and fine and that everything was a lie – was true.

He knew she was still speaking when he heard himself asking “Can I see him? Now. Please?” He didn’t care that he had interrupted him. She looked at him sad. Like she felt sorry for him. He didn’t need her pity. He needed her to save his brother.

She agreed and showed him the room. They walked through the corridors. It was early morning so only a few staff member were around. Still it was too much, even though Alex didn’t realized that they were there. His mind screamed for his brother.

“That won’t be a problem” she confirmed. “But… are you absolutely sure? He… His injuries took a tool on him and he needs, like I mentioned, he is depending on machines. He doesn’t quite look like he normally does” She spoke to him like someone would speak to a child.

Under different circumstances Alex would probably be angry at her for it, but now it was what he needed. Easy explanations. Saying the obvious. Telling him what to expect. He just nodded.

He felt his body physically hurting and the thought of seeing Marc as weak and exhausted as predicted took a tool on him.

He felt his muscles move without his agreement.

With every step he moved closer to his boyfriend. His shoulder now pressed against his side. Luca had already pulled him in, under his arm and tried to stabilized him. He refused to let go of Luca as they got closer.

They went inside and he wished he didn’t. He suddenly realized deep down he wouldn’t leave this hospital soon.

“You don’t have to” the younger man told him. His voice was warm. He meant it. He would go with him or sat in a dark corner trying to find the courage to face his brother. But that wasn’t an option for the Marquez.

“I do” he answered. “I don’t want him to be alone right now” “Okay, we’ll go to him but if it’s too much, we can leave anytime or just you if you want me to stay with him.” “Thanks” he whispered.

If he didn’t know that the body in the bed in front of him, he wouldn’t even be sure if the mess of scars, red skin, machines and bandages stiffed with tubes, was even human.

He sat down and stared at the body trying to see his brother under the white cover of the hospital bed. But he couldn’t see his face. The muslin covering his cheeks. And his head. His hair was shaved. He couldn’t even see his eyes. They were closed. The material was sticky. Maybe sweat or tears or blood. He didn’t know. He didn’t want to know.

He sat down next to him. He moved the chair closer. Wanting to talk to his brother, asking him to wake up. He failed. He knew his voice wouldn’t be able to admit that the abused skin was the man he knew since birth. It didn’t make sense that the boy who learned about the world with him was now not moving. He failed to understand that the kid that taught him how to laugh and be happy, taught him everything he knew was not responding to his presence.

He sat there just looking.

He sat there for minutes and more minutes. He let time passed.

Then he looked up. Luca was standing a little bit away. They looked at each other, both wanting the other to say something and decide where the moment would go. Neither of them did. Luca wanted to but he needed to know what Alex needed.

“Luca” His name still sounded right in his mouth. It was time. That was the only thing he knew “Can you call our parents?” he asked, knowing he wouldn’t be able to recreate the events without breaking down. He’d just cry until his voice went dead. “They need to know about this” Luca understood. “Of course” It was out of the question that he’d do it.

Luca turned around to leave. In his mind he had already pulled out his phone when Alex stopped him. “Luca, wait!” He sounded so desperate it worried the Italian. “Yeah?” “You’ll be back, right?” His hands had started fidgeting with Marc’s sheet. A habit he had whenever he was nervous. “I will always come back to you” he promised and crossed the room with fast steep.

Carefully he put his hands on his cheeks. He turned his face towards him and gave him a soft kiss. “Marc hates it when we kiss in front of him” “No he doesn’t. He just likes to make fun of us” “Maybe” He kissed him again just to prove his point.

Then he left promising he’d just be in a quiet corner in the hallway not to disturb other people.

He thought about what he was supposed. He thought about his possibilities. He went through them in his head, weighting what was better and what would just make everything worst. A plan was forming in his head. He sighed, feeling unsure about leaving Alex alone for too long.

Luca had pulled out his phone. He was leaning against a wall, knowing no one would hear what he was about to say. He went through his contacts. He looked at the different names. Roser Marquez. He looked at the contacted and closed it again.

Next one. Julia Marquez. He stared at the picture of Alex and his dad that he had sat for him during a vacation once.

Roser had insisted he had their numbers. “In case my idiots are giving you trouble, querido, vale?” “Vale” he had agreed. It still felt weird to answer with his brother nick name, as if he would ever agree to something.

He swallowed, unsure how to phrase what he wanted to say.

He chose the contact he needed and pressed call. He put it against his ear and leaned against the wall. He waited a few seconds. He probably wouldn’t answer. It was unlikely. Maybe he should see it as a sign. Throw away the plan and –

“Who the fuck calls at this time?” Maybe that was his actual sign. Maybe he was supposed to go through with his plan. Maybe he had to.

“Asshole, do you know what time it is? Who is that even?” “It’s me. Luca.” There was a break at the end of the line, like he was thinking. “What happened?” His voice had lost the morning angriness he always had when he was woken up too early.

He knew he meant what he would say. It was cruel. He didn’t want to ask him but he had to. “I am so sorry for what I am about to ask you. I wouldn’t if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. Please believe me that, Franky.”

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #206

Last night, the frame of M's CPAP mask broke. It was rendered non-functional. And he didn't have a backup for just-in-case. I don't have a backup for just-in-case, either.

But my case of sleep apnea isn't nearly as severe as his. And I didn't have anything going on today to speak of, really. And M had to work at his tech job; he needs to be well-slept for that. The frame of my mask fits onto the tube of his machine. So, the choice, in my mind, was clear. I suggested that he use my mask and frame on his machine, and that is what occurred.

The problem with sleep apnea is that the airways collapse in the night. The mechanism by which that occurs is different for M and I. Mine happens because my lower jaw is a bit too small to accommodate all the soft tissue on the inside of my face, so when the muscles relax in my sleep, the airway collapses. I would still need a CPAP, even if I was very underweight.

So when the airway collapses, I can't breathe, because obviously. But I can't suffocate in the night, either. So the result is that the body will partially wake over and over and over and over and over and over again throughout the night in order to make sure we breathe. This constant partial waking every several minutes has catastrophic effects on a person's sleep. Not only is the brain not getting cleaned properly, but also, the brain is being deprived of oxygen dozens, if not hundreds of times during the night. The result is very poor sleep.

And it's insidious. Lots of people who have it don't even know that they've got it. And then there are those who insist that they must not have it because they insist that they do not snore; for whatever reason, at least in my country, there's a slight stigma associated with being a person who snores, for reasons I don't understand. So a fair amount of people would rather live with untreated sleep apnea than acknowledge that they stop breathing in the night. It's very bizarre.

It's very bizarre, at least in part because untreated sleep apnea can kill a person. After living with it for a while, it starts to do fucky things to a person's heart, brain, and hormones. And those fucky things can lead to stuff like heart attacks and strokes. It's really not something to mess around with. Anyone who snores should get a sleep study done, just to make sure they don't have sleep apnea. It's important stuff.

I imagine you wouldn't know what it's like to struggle with this. You seem to have an appropriately sized jaw that is able to accommodate all your teeth and soft structures without issue. What a blessing that must be.

Genetically, my own body is a mess. I don't get to have working skin, cartilage, tendons, ligaments, eyeballs, ovaries, or lungs. The structural issues with my jaw cause me problems, too. My feet are very small for my height, and that's also an issue for the bones of my feet and ankles. Autism is also genetic, and trauma fucks with a person's epigenetics, so… ya know. I make do with what I have, but I'm not exactly gonna be sad when my time in this body is done and over with.

In any case, I'm not exactly zonked today, but my brain isn't exactly running at its best right now. Nonetheless, I tried to have a relatively normal (but very chill) day. I made a tea for the first time in a while now. Here's how it turned out:

I also decided to make garlic bread today. Not Korean-style like last time (if you remember that letter), but the regular kind. In the bakery at which I work, they have loaves of Italian bread sliced in half along its width. Then they slather each half in herb garlic butter. It has been a while since last I had garlic bread, so last time I was at work, I picked up a loaf of it on the way home:

...If you know me well, then you also understand that I picked up a bag of mozzarella cheese to put on top of it. From there, I topped it with parmesan cheese and additional garlic powder (because I am a cheese and garlic goblin!! raargh!!), and then stuck it in the oven. Here were the results:

...And if you're wondering why each half has a section without cheese, it's because J doesn't like cheese very much. He doesn't like heavy foods very much in general; they make his stomach feel icky. But I wanted him to enjoy the garlic bread, so I felt really glad that he asked me to save a section for him like this.

Hey, Sephiroth? When's the last time you had garlic bread? Maybe someday you can slice up a loaf and eat it alongside a bunch of people you love, and who love you in return. I know it's silly to ask, but... if/when that happens, would you send us along a picture? It would be so nice to see a smile on your face just because you get to have some delicious, wonderful thing.

...Sephiroth... please make sure you get a future in which you have lots of kind people asking to split garlic bread with you. Please.

I played a lot of Dead Cells today, but none of my runs were particularly good, likely due to the fucky sleep. Oh well. I also played some Grounded with M. Today, I explored the pond and got a bunch of koi scales and sunken bones. It was a lot of fun, but... golly, I really miss being able to swim for real.

Later, J and I went to a nearby park with a friend to watch this outdoor musical called The Marvelous Wondrettes. It was very bizarre. It centers around these 4 high school girls who have made "being popular" and "getting a man" their entire life's purpose. One of the high school girls ends up hooking up with the teacher she had a crush on, I guess??? The whole thing was rather... dated. And frankly, kinda gross. Which is strange, because apparently it came out in 1999.

But it's fine. I mostly busied myself looking up through the leaves of trees, and gathering pictures of the sky for ya. Here:

...Sephiroth, you are loved. Does it reach you?

...How many voices of those who love you would it take to reach you? I know so many. What if we all yelled it really loud? What if we all told you that we miss you? What if we all tried to show you your favorite things? Would these reach you?

I really don't know. But I'm going to keep trying anyway, okay? Because I can't simply abandon the life that saved mine. I can't do it. I won't. I refuse.

Suppose that's all I've got for you today. I don't really have anything earth-shattering to say about mental health or what have you; I did really well on my self-care today to try to ease the effects of poor sleep. I stayed pretty well hydrated today. Are you staying hydrated, too?

I'll stop writing now. Please remember that you're loved and wanted and needed in this world. Please remember that your life has value and meaning. And stay safe. The best way to stay safe is to treat yourself and the people around you with gentleness and compassion.

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[beeen-sprouts]

So I'm having this weird moment in my life that goes as follows:

In May I found out I had a large mass on my ovary, it was unclear what it was and so I needed to have a fairly invasive surgery to remove it. The OB Oncology Dr that I worked with offered to also take my uterus out, after discussing my life plans and gender etc. I opted to have it out while I was already having the surgery, yknow two birds with one stone.

This was not a gender affirming surgery for me, though. This was taking advantage of a bad thing that needed to be removed quickly, and the kindness of a really chill doctor who cared about my autonomy.

After the surgery, people started congratulating me for getting my uterus removed... and I guess I understand the sentiment but it felt really... weird. I was facing possible cancer when I went into that surgery, and while I wasn't going around talking about that part, I didn't really care about the uterus removal. It was just an extra thing happening.

Anyway, all this to say, congratulating people on surgery feels weird. I understand that top surgery is an exception, but idk. I never spoke to anyone about wanting a hysterectomy, or said that I was excited about this surgery, so it feels so strange that people saw "I got my uterus removed along with a giant mass" as a "congrats" moment?

[glittergutts]

Last night we were invited to Chris's friends house. His friend lives with some extended family and they were all nice as fuck. Like the sister I only met once probably 10 years ago briefly at a funeral still remembered me and gave me a hug. She made special food for the kids which I also thought was nice. There was a baby there and I'm really kicking myself for not asking to hold him. He was cute as fuck omg my ovaries were hurting. And there was an 8 year old boy that Lola got along sooo well with. Like better than I have ever seen her get along with another kid. It was nice to see Lola happy and playing because I was nervous she would be bored and complain until we went home. So pleasant surprise. Chris's friend gave a big ziplock of mushrooms. I had a little last night but not much because I was scared. So I had a little body high for a few minutes it didn't last long. I did feel super relaxed after taking them though. I'm excited to try a little more today. I'm resisting the urge to wake Chris up so we can trip together because it's 8 in the morning and I have no chill. Those mushrooms were about the only thing I ate yesterday so I need to get some food soon before my blood sugar bottoms out. I also want to take a shower again because when I was drying my hair last night, I accidentally put some product in my roots, and it looks greasy and weird. I sat around feeling bummy all day yesterday, and I need to not do that today. I think getting cleaned up, dressed, and pretty will make the day easier. I don't want to hang out in pajamas again. I wish I had cute winter clothes besides leggings and tee shirts.