#my mum was growing up in this time
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gonna be so sad when tonight is the first preshow space with good audio and i'm asleep because i have a psych appointment tomorrow
#life update if anyone gaf we're now at the point where i know i'm getting the adhd diagnosis and yet i STILL HAVE TO WAIT#like she just isnt sure if it's adhd or add (its norway theyre not gonna update the terms any time soon just roll with it)#and im just like. girl i don't give a fuck#its been so many years i cant do this anymore#we've talked to my fucking kindergarten teachers like 😭 they've investigated my entire life atp#to make sure i did in fact have all these issues from birth#because my word and my mum's word just isn't good enough i guess#like lets rely on the selective memories of random ass people ive encountered growing up this is ASININE#anyway my godmother had a 4h consultation the other day and got diagnosed on the spot#so now my mum is mad at her LMFAO#cause my mum's like. that bitch doesn't even have adhd. shes fine.#which i feel like is probably wrong but i agree with the sentiment#where is the deep dive investigation into her wholeass existence 😭#its cause she got to go private but they refuse to refer me to a private specialist so i have to keep going publuc#public#and if i go private on my own its too expensive plus the waitlist is years long#so. whatever. i guess.#man im so tired.#i will never ever ever forgive my psychiatrist from when i was 15 who said i probably had adhd but because i did ok in school its fine#and they wouldnt set the diagnosis#because the fact that i have papers from when i was 15 saying i don't have it is what's making this all so difficult#even though if you read all the papers it says i hit on EVERY SINGLE POINT#which is why the One Psych who listened to me is absolutely fuming losing her mind cause she can't understand why any of this happened#man i hate my fucking life lol
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me: tells a friend about my chronic pain to explain why i don’t do something
them: “oh? so how often a day do you take painkillers?”
me: “a day??”
#i try to take them as little as possible bc my mum instilled a fear in me of taking them too much while growing up…#but the assumption that i take them daily?? and multiple times at that?? threw me off#sir (gn) i have lived with this pretty much my whole life what do you mean#chronic disability#chronic illness#chronically ill#chronicpain#chronic disease#disabled#chronic fatigue#chronic pain#disability#disabilties
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I’m getting married tomorrow… it feels surreal
#to say that I’m anxious is to say nothing#of course I love my parents but my parents have been separated for more 10 years and their relationship traumatised me#it’s hard to explain because they’ve never had loud arguments cheating scandals or any other kinds of domestic violence they just never#really loved each other and it was obvious to everyone even to me as much as I can remember myself#and even though I always knew that my father loved me he was absent all the time and never really payed attention to my life#and growing up with an emotionally unstable narcissistic mum can traumatise anyone#so yeah I don’t have positive image of a family in my head#my future husband is a complete opposite. his parents have been together for 20+ years and they are really nice
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nothing makes me feel like a golden god quite like a new recipe turning out delicious on the first try. unfortunately, conversely nothing makes me feel more 'I am god's mistake' than spending all that time and effort on something and having to make a sandwhich b/c the results were inedible if you want to retain your capacity for delight. the duality of home chef
#it's only been a couple of times in the last like six years I've made something truly unpalatable#(and at least two of them were not on me I think the recipes were misguided from the start in hindsight)#but man it's such a downer every time haha it makes me feel like the ultimate failure. I shame everyone who's ever held a spatula. woe#but NOT TODAY! that shit rocked I did good#I have been slowly leveling up my preparing beans from dry game and I think I'm finally reaching a place of consistently ok results!#(that was never something we did at home when I was growing up and not something my mum does either so I had to start from scratch#it's really a big help to come from a home where we do a lot of communal cooking tho! having some basics down is good)#I am also realizing that if I ever get a partner they are um. unlikely to be quite as contented as me with eating pretty much the same stuf#a good two thirds are just variations on stir fry. for years at a time lol. so expanding my reportoir of recipes could be a wise investment#also I don't care for most meat so also finding good vegetarian/vegan recipes (b/c there are tricks to making it amazing!)
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ive never felt more rural than i have in the past few weeks since hanging out with a lad who has only ever lived in cities. what do you MEAN YOU'VE NEVER DONE A MORRIS DANCE
#he didn't even know what morris dancers WERE i said some shit like 'you know it's summer when the morris dancers come out'#and he was like 'the what now' I FEEL LIKE IM GOING CRAZY. HE'S FUCKING WITH ME SURELY#AND THIS HAPPENS SO OFTEN ABOUT THINGS I JUST ASSUMED WERE BASICS#'harvest festival 🤨' PARDON. YOU ARE JOKING#and also the CONCEPT of a village is baffling to him. i said there's probably about 100 people in my entire village#and we don't have a pub or a single shop the closest ones are in the NEXT village over which is a 3 mile walk#and this boy was HORRIFIED. we are both in a constant state of thinking the other is taking the piss#and now every time i think/do something abundantly rural im SO self-aware 😭#my mum told me the farmers are gonna do a xmas tractor run through our village this year#(they usually miss our village bc even by village standards it's tiny)#and she was like 'shame you'll miss it! i'll send you a video!' and im there already picturing this boy's face when i show it him#like sigh. yeah. yeah okay maybe the rural england is ingrained deeper than i feared. never escaping the allegations etc#had a conversation with him the other day that concluded with me 100% genuinely being like 'you need to touch grass'#i literally said 'i think it would fix you. like actually go and touch some grass what the fuck'#bc at this point he's so far removed from nature that it's INSANE TO ME. i didnt realise how much i took growing up rurally for granted#THESE PEOPLE DONT EVEN GET DRUNK IN FIELDS. THEY HAVE NO FIELDS. I HAD TO EXPLAIN TO HIM WHAT A CAMP OUT WAS
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You ever are just sitting there and suddenly are hit by an au you haven't thought about in months?
Anyways FOWL au my beloved, I'm so sorry I abandoned you. One day I shall write the ideas down, I promise.
#Beakley being a fowl co-director my beloved#Heron having the most derranged parenting style#wait right Uncle Bradford sjjsjsj#Bela in SHUSH: eventually becomes director in a time of need even though she never wanted this. grows into the role. character growth#Bela in FOWL: wacky shenanigans. puts up wanted posters looking for a good nemesis. Darkwing duck type of silly villain#only thing in common is the need to prove she can handle a mission to her mum/family (who know but don't wanna see her hurt bc reckless#+whatever is going on with Bradford's whole trauma)#and her soft bisexual disaster of a husband#anyways Beakley would end up buying into the whole order thing before she meets Scrooge and learns how to go more with the flow#judges Bradford for going to HERON of all people for that. but they still need her sooo#ends up getting partnered with her quite a lot#ends up marrying her#success(?)#rashi's rambles
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#I'm still upset but my dad said my mum is okay and the budgie was still alive as of 11#so hopefully she makes it through the night and just needs to grow her tail feathers back#i don't resent that i moved quickest and picked her up before she could be hurt more#but i would like to stop feeling her in my hands soon please#i washed my hands three times after i put her down and still when i went to get my phone from the kitchen i had blood under my nails#I'm telling you there's a reason i don't have parties on my actual birthday#my dad said she was on her swing in the cage#and she was whistling when i left her#but they're very small creatures and it was a very big shock and while it wasn't loads of blood she still doesn't have much to spare#I'm spiralling a bit I'm away to cuddle Sam#chewing glass
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#i regularly cry about how much i appreciate my mum ever since i lost my dad#and i just realized taking months off of work will be maybe the last opportunity i ever have to spend so much time with her#like just the terrors of growing up lmao
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I need to draw something with PK and Hornet there's not enough of these two together in my art
#thylacines can talk#in my au specifically she used to be SUCH a daddy's girl but then she grew up and grew bitter and resentful over her role in life. the#reason for her birth and the way her pwn sibling has been treated. She actually drifted away from both of her biological parents because#her being bitter about being concieved for a specific purpose and already having all of her life planned out for her is a big part why she#grew distant with her father and step mother so naturally it also applied to her mother. but she grew apart way more from PK and WL because#she had more grievances with them than just that one thing. Plus PK could sometimes be a little too smothering and overprotective. He truly#loves his daughter and maybe showers her with more love than usual because of what he did to his other kids but at times he doesnt know how#to reel it back. he got worse when Hornet pulled away because he was terrified of losing her which ironically made the drift bigger.#eventually they reconcile and grow closer again but they'll never be as close as they were when she was little. Or maybe they're just close#in a different way and that's alright. I don't see Hornet as an overly affectionate person so being smothered with love bugs her. She loves#her father and step mother of course she does. But she has a different way of showing it which took a little while for them to understand#and adjust to. They eventually grow close just not in that very affectionate little kid way#She actually grew closer to Vespa during her teen years as she was her teacher and mother figure and Hornet clung to her when she grew apart#from her two mothers and father.#oh a funfact. Hornet doesn't really call WL step mother. When she was little Herrah was mummy and WL was momma and now that she's older#they're both mum but she comes up with increasingly more ridiculous ways to differentiate them. She only really calls WL 'step mother' when#shes angry with her. or 'your mother' if she's talking yo her siblings. A very cheap shot that would make WL feel really shitty but makes#Hornet feel better for a while.#faaf au
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I'm having a little trip down memory lane tonight thinking about all the games I used to play in my childhood and it got me thinking about sky tv games for cartoons. (The ones you either pressed the red button to play or paid for through a sky game pass for the day). And I have to say why tf don't we still have them??
#i mean it's cause all the cartoons i grew up watching aren't even on tv anymore#but still#you should still be able to play them somehow#also reminded myself of the cool doctor who games there used to be on the bbc website#i remember going to internet cafes when i was a kid to play them lol#also just remembered that miniclip game still exist#my favourite was raft wars back in the day#might play it again sometime#growing up in early 2000's really was the best time to be a kid you know#ngl i used to beg my mum for a sky games pass all the time lol#never actually ever completed any of the games tho#oh and the cartoon network website used to have some banging games too
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watching OUAT as it aired as a tween/young teen did something to my brain chemistry I'm pretty sure
#i was 8 when season 1 aired holy shit#i was 14 when it ended#growing up watching it with my mum rewired my brain in some way#i saw the cast and went AOOP#sexy pirate man#dumb himbo prince#badass lady protagonists#i was hooked immediately (kekeke)#once upon a time
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APRIL 2023
Read:
Death Drive Nation
The enduring allure of conspiracies
The big idea: is it time to stop worrying about stress?
On the Feminine Urge to Murder
standing on the shoulders of complex female characters
Routine Maintenance
The brain’s reading of the body’s state is key to mental health
What Can We Learn from the Solace of ‘At Least’ and the Sting of ‘If Only’?
Their Bionic Eyes Are Now Obsolete and Unsupported
Life Time by Russell Foster
Watched:
Don’t Trust Your Gut
Debate Like a Champion
Sharper
The First Monday in May
Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre
Extrapolations
Listened To:
The Roses of Success by The Sherman Brothers
Ocean’s Twelve soundtrack
The Rest is Politics
Went To:
Sam Smith @ The O2
#Though I read little what I did read was *very* good.#Putting in my entry for daughter of the year and taking my Mum to see Sam Smith for the second time this year really took it out of me.#Alternative title for this list: don't go to concerts while ill and overwhelmed with work - it will knock you out for the rest of the month.#But up from the ashes grow the roses of success etc. etc.#personal
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*staring at the ceiling* i was a weird kid
#in year 5 i tried to eat someones shoe. while they were wearing it#i carried a plushie horse with me everywhere and accidentally started a dragon themed gang#i ate sticks just to prove i could#god the amount of stories my sister has about me stopping to pick up dead things on our way to school#or the fact that i used to walk like a dinosaur everywhere#i kissed my teacher in year 2 which wasnt weird in the grand scheme of things but still. cmon dude.#OH i bit my best friend on the back so hard he had teeth marks for a week ://#the weird part is that it only happened bc i couldnt sleep during nap time so i made a game of trying to catch his shirt with my teeth#when he breathed out (we werent even in kindy at the time and his mum was my day-carer)#like i was a little fucking weirdo#no wonder i am the way i am#you dont turn into this *gestures to all of me* by growing up normal#captain speaks
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the older i get the more i appreciate my mum cooking the things she did when i was younger. considering she doesn't even like cooking all that much and was still working full time back when i was a kid, i'm so impressed when i look up some of the recipes she made and seeing how much effort it actually was.
#lily talks#i also think that i was incredibly fortunate to grow up in a family open and enthusiastic about making food from all over the world#it did a lot to make me love cooking#i was thinking about food that makes me feel nostalgic and unironically the first thing that came to mind was maqluba#certainly a more special occasions kinda thing but... my mum just... made that#i think in a way it was a nostalgic dish for her as well but still the fact that she just randomly made this at home is wild to me#ngl i miss that it's been years since i've had it#i sadly don't have the means to even attempt this at my appartment but perhaps i will make a request when i visit the next time#it'll be fun actually helping out and not just being a kid “helping” in the kitchen lol
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So like certified bad day. My grandma died this morning and now I'm sick???? Bro come on
#bonus points for. the only photos of me w my Grandma are from me under 8 years old#so like. i wasnt close to her at all but death is v triggering for me w how badly my parents fumbled the bag w grief when i was growing up#brief context. mum got mad at me that my v close friend died like a week after her dad died bc she couldn't do two things at once#so everyone rallied around her in her grief and i went to two funerals and like ??? rotted i guess.#dad was in his painkiller era lol#anyway so im probably not gonna go to the funeral bc im just gonna be triggered the whole time#im less grieving her as a person and more grieving the fact that i never really. had grandparents.#like i barely ever saw her#even though i lived in the same city as her#i googled her name earlier and found out she wrote a chapter in a book about domestic abuse#and thats really the most ill ever know about her#i wanna read the chapter but idk#if it turns out that my grandpa was abusive and then my grandma left my mum and aunt with him by themselves to move to bali#im probably not gonna be thrilled#anyway even thats basically just closer to learning stories about people i dont know#wouldnt it have been nice to have. a family
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aarrgghh i want to be someone who can relax and enjoy playin a video game so bad but every time i play one, after ive stopped playing i get the worst hangover
i think i just cant convince certain parts of me that it's not a waste of time lol.. i stop playing and suddenly im hit with 'oh god i just wasted so many hours not doing anything productive im gonna die'
not good bc ive been enjoying darkest dungeon again the past few days so the mood swings and anxiety have been very intense.. i like it but i think i need to not let myself game for now lol
#it's weird cause this part doesnt consider reading a waste of time at all!#but i think they see reading as like#psychologically enriching and learning#they're obsessed with learning as much as they can#i let them watch a whole documentary before i started playing to try to avoid this lol#it was about the japanese prison system. learned a lot. horrifying.#gave me a lot less anxiety than playing a game for some reason#ed mumbles#maybe it's cause i wasnt allowed any video games growing up#i still dont understand that bc my brother was allowed them#to the point where when i started playing on his nintendo 64 and i got rly into it my mum threw it away lol#ill never understand her logic there#but probably this is left over from that#anyway. thinking of uninstalling steam for a while and coming back to this later
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