#wouldnt it have been nice to have. a family
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So like certified bad day. My grandma died this morning and now I'm sick???? Bro come on
#bonus points for. the only photos of me w my Grandma are from me under 8 years old#so like. i wasnt close to her at all but death is v triggering for me w how badly my parents fumbled the bag w grief when i was growing up#brief context. mum got mad at me that my v close friend died like a week after her dad died bc she couldn't do two things at once#so everyone rallied around her in her grief and i went to two funerals and like ??? rotted i guess.#dad was in his painkiller era lol#anyway so im probably not gonna go to the funeral bc im just gonna be triggered the whole time#im less grieving her as a person and more grieving the fact that i never really. had grandparents.#like i barely ever saw her#even though i lived in the same city as her#i googled her name earlier and found out she wrote a chapter in a book about domestic abuse#and thats really the most ill ever know about her#i wanna read the chapter but idk#if it turns out that my grandpa was abusive and then my grandma left my mum and aunt with him by themselves to move to bali#im probably not gonna be thrilled#anyway even thats basically just closer to learning stories about people i dont know#wouldnt it have been nice to have. a family
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forgive me if you've been asked this before or if its annoying, but how did you learn to use colored pencils like that? your art is so special to me.
ty :) I took an art class for a few years where our teacher had us buy prismacolor pencils as one of the art supplies and had us use them kinda like paints, pressing down hard right away and blending the colors together. its not how youre supposed to use them she was just trying to teach us to use color and ig this was more to the point. I picked them up again years after i stopped going to that class just bc they were there and i wanted to play around w them a bit and ended up actually enjoying it when doing it on my own terms lol
#it was a weird class#it was just this russian lady doing private lessons in her house that my mom learned about somehow#I did NOT like those classes all we did was still life and they were hours long which is esp rough when im in high school and busy#and she wanted us to stand while working the whole time bc tradition i guess?#she did allow me to work sitting but thought i was lazy for it. idk dude i dont want to exhaust myself fast for no reason#standing is a lot more tiring than walking#i def did still benefit from those classes just from learning to accurately draw from life#did not like the teacher tho#on one hand shed paid for the art supplies for kids whos families were too poor to (and these are nice expensive supplies)#which is very nice#but on the other she was very homophobic and open about it#like when they legalized gay marriage she went on a rant about how horrible it is that they can adopt kids now#and also kind of racist#she was telling me how she got blocked from a facebook group bc she made a post asking if she could speak to a white person#and she didnt realize she was posting that publicly she thought it was a private message to the group owner#im honestly still not sure i heard/understood her correctly bc it was so bizzare and the only time i ever remember her being racist#she talked abt it like she genuienly was unaware it was racist#she described it as a misunderstanding bc she accidentally posted it publicly instead of privately#like it wouldnt have been racist to ask that at all#also one time she talked about how she saw demons in her home once#also she doesnt vaccinate her kids bc of microchips#she was like a walking russian stereotype lol#anyway heres some ink the artist lore
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kuroba toichi you need to stay dead or im going to fucking kill you myself
#you sick son of a bitch#if you truly love your son you wouldnt be alive#it's bad enough that you basically left the mantle for your teenage son to take up but you actually being alive????????#you just out there living your life while your son is destroying his relationships chasing after something that you started????????#his very motivation is your death and it's not even real??? the utter fucking betrayal???#and maybe being kid has kade him a better magician and has helped him find out more about himself#but he shouldve been able to have a choice if he even wanted to be kid at all it shouldnt have been a responsibility pushed upon him#AND IF YOU ARE FUCKING ALIVE AND YOU'RE JUST WATCHING YOUR SON RUNNING AWAY FROM THE POLICE WITH PRIDE INSTEAD OF GUILT YHEN YOU CAN#GO FUCK YOURSELF#Honestly the worst#also that theory that maybe chikage is travelling the world because she KNOWS toichi is alive and she's with her elevates this fuckery into#a whole different level#anyway go read cuethesun's tomorrow and the next day#good fucking food and bad parent chikage and toichi enjoyers will be pleased ;>#lol#dc prattles#as much as i want happy everybody is alive kuroba family#i need touichi and chikage if she knows too to feel the repercussions of their horrible parenting and i need kaito to be able to let himself#feel the hurt and betrayal that he is justified to feel even if he is happy that his dad is alive#but i dont trust gosho to handle that nicely if anything i think hes gonna just handwave it and wont address it properly#anyway my point is i just need more hurt and angry kaito also if shinichi is there im happy#sorry i sneaked in a kaishin i cant stop the brainrot unfortunately theres no cure 🤚😔#ALSO DONT GET ME STARTED WITH BAD PARENT KUDOS OOOOOHHHH
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#i walked into a situation today where my mom was effectively already dead. effectively bc her body was and is still alive. still breathing#painful groaning purrs. but her mind was gone yesterday. my dad said he showed her a picture of the mountains i took that day and told her#i loved her and she smiled. thats what he said. maybe he was just being nice. or maybe thats the last time she thought of me. i dunno. but#the human body is an incredible thing. shes got a heart still powering a broken body. too full of tumors to function anymore. stomach#streched like a pregnant mother. it happed really fast and now its happening very slow#im somehow probably better off than the rest of them. i only got here for the aftermath of a downslide. my daily life will b least effected#i only really saw her twice a year living so far away and she didnt text much. didnt call often. so life wont change much ill just kno shes#not there. which is sad. but theres nothing to b done abt it. life goes on. it hasnt been all bad tho. its nice to talk to my family abt her#how incredible she was. bc she was. wish her mom wasnt here tho. she doesn't deserve to b here. my mom wouldnt want her here. she didnt want#her here. but anyway. i wish her body would just let her go now. so we can sleep. so this can be over. so she can rest#but even like this shes stubborn and resilient. they say it could go on for days but i hope not. may the universe let her rest shes gotta b#so tired after 10 years of this. but i have no regrets. she knew how i felt abt her. and i dont think she had regrets either. she did so#much up to the very end. went out on a high note without the burdon of knowing it was coming#i dunno. its just such a strange experience to watch the empty shell of your mother sleeping like a gurgling baby#unrelated
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I had an Isaac run where it was so stressful my heartrate was at a 145bpm and it persisted for 6 hours. After that, like every day that followed, my heart would just suddenly shoot up to 120-140bpm for an hour if I so much as thought about something I've been stressing over recently. Everybody encouraging me to go to the ER. And I'm just like "Oh please I've actually always been like this, I'm fine." Had to chop down my Adderall dosage. But I swear I've felt like this since high school, but I guess the medicine enhances the feeling and that feeling was ANXIETY.
So, suffice to say, playing The Binding of Isaac™️ almost gave me a heart attack.
#and its not the adderall thats just inducing the heartrate#cause i only got prescribed adderall this year#dad got diagnosed with afib when i was still in school. he rushed himself to the hospital with mom while i was taking a test#i was like what the heck where did you guys go and mom said oh dad was having a heart attack or something and we didnt want to bother you#like WOULDNT YOU TELL YOUR CHILD OH MAYBE YOU WONT SEE YOUR FATHER AFTER WE GO TO THE HOSPITAL BUT FINISH YOUR EXAM BABY#that was like 2020 and we have a couple of those oxygen readers for your fingers and it measures your heartbeat#i out one on for fun im just sitting there at the dinner table and my heartrate was at 120#like i didnt do anything we been stuck at home because pandemic and we just having a nice dinner#and my heartbeat was just thats my resting heartrate. they told me to try the blood pressure thing#average blood pressure but truly my heartbeat was just vibing at 120. mis padres were like oh no maybe you have afib too#babes youre too young to have that. and i jsut said oh is that what it means when im nauseous and have to lie down#i havent been diagnosed with anything. i suspect is tachycardia but no official thing#although i havent seen a cardiologist. what if we pay to get a screening and its nothing#i dont want to go thru all that and let it be nothing. lets wait until its a real problem#when my brother and his family visited just like what two weeks ago he was like#he was sitting on moms exercise bike and said it reads your heartrate#and it did you put your hands on the handle and it reads yer pulse#i told him like oooh let me try. hey brother my resting heartrate is 120 a lot. and hes like. what. get on this thing#and i get off the couch literally resting and lay my hands on the handles#and we see it go up. from 80 to 90 to 100 to 110 to 120 and hes a nurse and my moms a nurse and he says go upstairs and rest#dont hang out here with the kids. and im like ha i already told mom#he said sit there for ten minutes dont do anythingg and were trying again#he got mom to call our doctor and my doctor said to stop taking the adderall which is NOT IDEAL theres worse repurcussions to stop cold#so i cut mine in half. cause i had a dosage of 20mg and i almost fainted at work. we died the dosage down to 15#but after all that i cut my 15 down to 7.5 cause hey i cant stop cold but i can ween myself#brother said i shouldnt be taking adderall if im not doing anything that requires focus. but im like i need focus to live man#look at how much ive been drawing...i mean its only in like hour long intervals but its productive#so theres that. i can feel my heartrate already up but i guess its just a thing with me...anywho#doodles#the binding of isaac
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today was good :)
#tara says stuff#some of my family came to visit from out of state#i got to meet my cousins fiancee#the five of us ate under together and now im staying with them at their hotel for the evening#my bed is uncomfortable and i cant sleep but its okay#i probably wouldnt have been able to anyways#ive not been falling asleep until like. 5-7am ish#but anyways yeah#im happy to be w them#i dont get to see my other family members often#so its nice to be with them
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and today in "why is fandom so antisemitic" just blocked two more followers in my sideblog, which makes it about 10 of what would have been almost 35 followers over a couple months. because the "all israelis are evil" bs is really big in mcyt circles.
also haven't watched the new season of hc because I don't want to touch the fandom anymore and enjoying things alone isn't as fun when you know there's a fandom. but also the fandom is full of people that wish I was dead so I dont want to be there either. which means right now the only things in my life are the jewish bloggers I follow (love yall) and doing daily challenges in microsoft solitaire. and university ig but it's the weekend and Im trying not to think about my homework rn
also gave up and made a "btw Im israeli plz stop following me if u want me dead" post on the sideblog. hope it works ig.
#its also wild bc I do fandom art on that blog and people love it#even my dad thought it was awesome enough to commission me for his own work stuff once! thats awesome#I got paid for the art I did for him with a merch hoodie from the fandom#and I love it and I love the art I did and I love the original content its based on.#but I cant even watch the new season without thinking about how I want to liveblog but cant because liveblogging attracts attention#and fandom attention scares me now. half a year ago I worked nonstop to get any amount of positive attention in the fandom#I stopped family dinners to watch new episodes and liveblog half an hour after the sessions were out to get people to see my posts#and now. I want none of that#a month or so ago I joined the community discord. the people were so nice to me#and then I went to the vent channel. bc someone mentioned there's i/p stuff in there. its all anti-israel#to the point I felt uncomfortable staying there despite never saying a word about where I'm from beforehand. almost felt unsafe to be there#just... that fandom prides itself on trying so hard to be wholesome and safe after the dsmp fandom ended up so toxic#and here they are wishing I was never born#because I never would have been born if not for this country. my grandparents on my dads side met in the resistance against the british#my parents met at uni. they never wouldve met if not for this country#I wouldnt be alive if not for this country and while I dont like the government I love this country so much#Im just so sad#ישראבלר
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you don't have to read this is for screaming in the void
#trying to explain that i'm struggling without saying the big most important part of why i am struggling is .#like oh i'm struggling because uh . the issues. what are the issues? well . they are issues that i refuse to elaborate on#so it doesn't help anybody. but like how am i supposed to explain to my mom that the reason i've become so severely depressed is because#i'm suicidal. like oh btw ^-^ i hate the life you gave me and brought me into so bad that i want to die. but it's no big deal so don't worr#about it.#which like that wouldn't be how i meant it at all but of course that's also implied or something#which just makes me think of other things like that if things weren't so bad id be able to get help but help is inaccessible.#ughhhh i just hate this it's so agonizing. like cant things be a little less bad. i'm not having fun being like this and people are#reasonably irritated with me because only based on what i'm willing to tell just. isn't the full story at all and would obviously just.#not make sense because i'm leaving out major parts of what's happening and why.#and tbh i'm constantly going back and forth between like. coming out as suicidal. mainly because like. well. it kinda worrying me.#because for like months now i've almost daily been fighting off suicidal thoughts and often even having suicidal meltdowns#yesterday i was standing near a ceiling fan and was like hmm wouldnt it be nice if one of the blades came off and stabbed me through#the back of my skull and killed me. but then i thought no that would be too traumatizing for my family#as if me dying at all wouldn't be. which i also thought of. idk just thinking about the idea of#i want to live but not like this. because yeah. my mom said that she thinks reading bad news is why and it's like well . of course it is#but should i just stay completely unaware of what's happening in the world. but also bad news is just unavoidable#but yeah it is why i'm depressed. climate change racism homophobia transphobia covid wars economy etc like#these are things that i can't just. ignore? and am i seriously the crazy person for being upset about these things?#well she does think i'm crazy for still being scared of the dangerous virus that is currently the third leading cause of death in the us#like last night she was like ' it's good to be cautious but you're going over board' i'm friends with people who could die from covid.#'over board' i care about them and other people and i don't want them to die. i don't want to be permanently disabled by a virus with#a 20% chance every time i catch it to permanently damage my immune system and give me long covid. <- according to cdc#but whatever. i do genuinely want mental help. i think i need s different medication or a diagnosis bc uhmmm . i am unwell#but that's expensive.#i have an appointment with a doctor today for a med check because i don't think my ssri is working . obviously#as i am as you can tell absolutely overcome with severe and debilitating anxiety and depression. lolzors#whatever. except not because ouuuughhhgh <-unimaginable suffering#mypost
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reminding myself that what i think is hot/fun doesn't always line up with the choices dola would make but god it is so fun playing dolls sometimes
#repeating this to myself bc i still think that between the five people i like for dola in genshin i still think that#between all of them she'd choose diluc and diluc would make the choice to do something with his own feelings#(as opposed to kaeya who wouldnt make a move and kaveh + alhaitham just wouldnt be options in dola's consideration.#and dola doesn't spend enough time in sumeru to really have a chance for her feelings to change/grow#childe is off the table bc of headcanon reasons + i also think dola wouldnt ever go for him no matter what her own feelings are)#like. kaeyasach still feels on the table bc um. i have headcanons abt diluc's fate i dont like voicing out here but with where the game#is taking place rn its def a dilusach route..? it's at least the route the feels the most fun to write and most natural for dola#+++++ i truly do love dola and kaeya as friends so tight it feels neither romantic or platonic or familial and is a secret 4th thing.#like its so fun. former childhood crushes on each other that reunite thanks to a tragedy and then they help each other deal with the grief#that theyve both been dealing with. both terribly alone but then fnding that maybe they arent and can rely on each other. idk. it just#feels like either they should be platonic soulmates OR they have the world's slowest burn ever#and it feels really meaningful to me that dola does her best to support him and even look into khaenriah for him as a friend than a partner#+ feels like it'd be more meaningful to kaeya too.#idk im having thoughts shdfjksdf this always happens when i see nice kaeya art and analysis and im second guessing dola's canon
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drawing my time traveler character bc she was the only good thing to come out of my concept art/3d modeling class (i learned nothing about character design or 3d modeling and this character was the only assignment actually about character design that we did (i did my senior project on character design and learned way more about it than a whole semester long class that was supposed to teach me it))
im also going insane trying to track down the shoes i used for inspiration for hers but alas i cant find them
#my art#original character#oc#uh she still doesn't have a name but eh#also i really wish i couldve kept the original photoshop file of her but when i tried to move it into my google drive it wouldnt let me :(#mustve been something with the school network or something but still#god even though ive graduated already and dont have to deal with that class anymore i still wish i never took it#the teacher did not teach very well and that class was soul sucking to be in (it also didnt help that we had block schedule so it was a#2 hour class)#giving us old pdfs on learning maya from 2011.... making us copy some other guys drawing but not really in a way to learn from him or his#character design...#dumping her family issues on literally everyone who came into the class (i had to listen to this all the time bc i sat at the front)#i mean at least the teacher liked me i guess but that didnt help the class like. at all.#digital drawing for concept art / 3d modeling my beloathed#anyways for this assignment specifically (the time traveler)#she gave us a book to look at with. character design stuff? i think? and the page we were looking at had some time travel agent woman#concept art on it#that design was really dumb looking imo but it was also probably pretty early concept art for a game so i dont blame it much#it was some generic hot woman with long platinum blonde hair (described as strange despite it not being strange at all)#and wearing a suit that conveniently showed cleavage and had a thigh slit on her skirt#she was holding some old ass briefcase and one of those plastic umbrellas with polka dots on it (the umbrella was her time travel device or#whatever)#the teacher told us we had to make a time traveler so i set out to yassify and transify this design a bit#i think the only sort of character design tip we learned during this whole like. month we worked on this for was to make a moodboard of#our ideas#but eh i still really like the design i made and i was able to get nice and creative with ut#just wish i was able to save it on my own computer and not the school computer :(#2023#oc tag
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Yall 👀 I got a second interview for a job that pays $23/hour and has paid vacation days/sick days/holidays/community volunteer days?? and has really good working hours pls wish me luck
#thats a rock fact#the way that amount of money would change my life tho😭#i wouldnt have to worry about whether or not i can afford to feed my cats#i could actually start putting money into my art business#im so tired of being broke all the time#god the fact that it STARTS at $23........ thats more than i was making at the job id been at for over 5 years#im trying to not get too excited bc im still Not Great at interviews but im hopeful 😭#i still wish it wasnt sales but for that amount of money i could suck it up#especially bc its not commission based sales lmao#its also a family owned company#which is nice even tho it doesnt exactly qualify as a small business lmfao
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Been feeling lonely :(
#like. been feeling a lot actually#its gotten better but my problems havent really disappeared or anything#i think i would feel better if i had a partner. maybe i wouldnt but who knows#i feel like everyone i have in my life right now arent people i’ll ever be comfortable leaning on.#my online friends are all so nice but theres a level of attachment that really cant be achieved online and it doesnt help that i have this#constant fear of being perceived as creepy or annoying which in and of itself is hard to admit without worrying that THAT makes me that#my family is no help. it hurts to think that other people can rely on their family when theyre distressed#wake up in the morning to the sound of birds chirping and yelling at eachother.#i want someone to lean on. i want someone to hold me and i want someone who wont judge me for who i am. someone i can be comfortable around#i want someone i can fall asleep on and call late at night and text all day. someone to go do mundane things with#im also really rejection sensitive and currently very attached to someone and they ignored something silly i did idk… now im upset about it
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one unfortunate thing abt watching bloody violent up-close-and-personal movies is that it makes me even more crazy touchstarved than usual after.. I need to wrestle someone NOW
#i need to BITE. or lie in someones lap and let them stroke my hair#also now my family have left i probably wont even get a hug for a longass time......... its dire out here#ik my flatmate said a while ago she wouldnt mind if i wanted more physical contact or whatever but ik thats not true#bc she always seems so physically uncomfortable near me or moves so distinctly far out of my space like i get the message man#and its just difficult for me for so many complicated reasons. sigh#im just tired of feeling so lonely always all the time. and so ostracised or alienated in every community and relationship in my life#and i know thats my own fucking fault bc im stupidly incapable of allowing myself to trust and believe other people abt anything#and partly also bc im disabled and autistic as shit etcetc and so will always come across weird and Other and i have no control over that#but mostly its my fault. and i dont even know where to begin trying to fix that man. if its even fixable in this lifetime i dont even know#but it sucks ass im so tired of being sad and close to tears 90% of the time i cry on the fucking daily even on good days#dont get me wrong im doing pretty okay at the moment like i dont even really have any Real problems its all just in my fucking head#but unfortunately thats the head i live in. and will live in the rest of my life so i guess im always gonna feel like this on some level#so i need to just accept it and be grateful for the shit i have bc it could be so so much worse#and yet i cant just do that so here we are!!!!!!!!! oh well.#maybe a part of me likes being miserable. or feels like i deserve it. bc im really fucking good at it lmao#anyway i should go to bed soon before this gets worse. at least i dont have work tmr so i can do smth nice or chill all day#and there have been lots of nice things today too.. ah i just need to sleep#sorry for rambling my ass off with my mentally ill monologues again 🙃 well not that sorry bc youll see me do it again lol#.vent#.diaries
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I put much more thought into my middle name than my first (still very little thought tho), but I still frequently just. Forget that my middle name exists. Despite having chosen it.
#so my first and middle names are austyn jace#for austyn i legit just went through a baby name site and read masculine names until i vibed with one#cuz when i chose ny name i thought i was a trans man#i chose austin. then as i discovered im nonbinary i changed it to austyn#its the feminine spelling of a masculine name so its kind of in the middle#but truly i just chose austi/yn because i vibed with it. like macimum 15 minutes of thought went into it#for jace i wanted a middle name that started with j so i could go by aj if i wanted#i considered james and liked that but there was a kid at school named james and he was a dick#jace has a similar sound and vibe to it so i chose jace#thats one i chose from my brain instead of the internet. and for a specific reason#sometimes i wish i had put more thought into my first name because it doesnt have any special meaning and isnt super unique#but irs mine. for awhile now ive been considering going by jace because its more of the nb vibe that i like#but recently one of my friends changed her name to jase (pronounced the same) so i simply cant change it to that now lol#ive been austyn for so long i wouldnt want to chsnge it. i love it#but occasionally i do regret not putting a little bit more thought into it#and i frequently forget my middle name tbh#'whats your middle name?' 'um.... jace!'#sometimes i switch back to my old middle name#whoch i dont hate. its lynn#but its a family middle name belonging to my mom and her mom and probably moms before her#and my mom was super transphobic when i came out so i got rid of that name super quick. killed that family name#if she hadnt been such a bitch i probs wouldve kept it#truly adds to the androgyny of the name#but i wanted to cut my connections so the family name died with me#austyn lynn is pretty tho#the y in both the names vibes together really nicely
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#so my grandma died#its ok bc shes been sorta fading for a while we knew it was coming sooner rather than later#the aide said she was talking to my grandpa last night and hes been dead since 2014#and its nice to think that he came to come pick her up#funerals are always weird bc were not a very dramtically emotional family so its a lot of talking about the details#what hymns she wanted where the repasse should be what food theyll be serving what were all wearing#and its funny bc my grandma was a penultimately particular woman who wrote down precisely what she wanted done#down to the shoes she wants to be buried in as if anyone is going to see her feet#but GOD forbid she walks through the pearly gates BAREFOOT she could never#she died in the middle of the night and my dad joked that she probably did that so it wouldnt be a big scene in the middle of the day#when they came to take her body from the house#and on one hand like dad that is your MOTHER#but also objectively hes probs not wrong she would have hated a big scene in the middle of the day with neighbors watching#and i gotta request time off work and im asking my managers how i submit the request and i dont wanna say SORRY bc like its my dead grandma#but also ya i was supposed to be training a new girl this week at work 🙃#like obviously were all really sad but theres so much to get done that you end up discussing all the details#shes def in a better place like i do believe shes with my grandpa again and she went peacefully and thats very much a blessing#but i have no idea what im gonna wear to this thing#and that feels like a dumb thing to fixate on! but alas#here we are
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365 Days of Writing Prompts: Day 323
Adjective: Grey
Noun: Treeline
Definitions for those who need/want them:
Grey: of a color intermediate between black and white, as of ashes or lead; (of the weather) cloudy and dull; (of a person) having gray hair; (informal) relating to old people collectively; (of a person's face) pale, as through tiredness, age, or illness; without interest or character, or dull and nondescript; (of financial or trading activity) not accounted for in official statistics
Treeline: (on a mountain) the line or altitude above which no trees grow; (in high northern (or southern) latitudes) the line north (or south) of which no trees grow; (in high northern (or southern) latitudes) the line north (or south) of which no trees grow
#im now my usual amount of late#which still isnt great#but at least im getting more back on track#the reason why im late this time is i chose to go to bed last night cos i was so tired and knew i wouldnt get this posted if i tried#i was so tired mainly cos my girlfriend and i did more holiday shopping for friends and family#and i forgot to mention it before but weve been watching the newest season of the great british baking show#(weve both loved the show for a long time and its nice that we get to watch it together now)#oh i also got hozier tickets for my girlfriend and my parents and i#the concert is nearly a year away#but cos its the first concert my girlfriend and i will be going to (together or separately) we are super nervous and excited already#as for the writing prompt i love love love the imagery of it and how it makes me feel#like its cold and harsh but i think thats perfect for this being in late autumn/pre-winter#and i personally have two different ideas and im unsure of which to choose for my poem#specifically im thinking of the 'treeline' being 'grey' because of the weather or because of ash#i think i can make both devastating and deep#but i just dont know which i would like to write about more#but as always i know i will figure it out#thanks for reading#writing#writer#creative writing#writing prompt#writeblr#trying to be a writeblr at least
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