#my mental health is in the toilet and this is how I cope

[abbiebsart]

Evan’s Bad No-Good Day at the Trap Factory

[mostlymarvelsstuff]

Not Alone

Authors note: My mental health is currently in the toilet (once again, I'm sorry y'all I'm trying so hard to get my one-shots out and finish up my multi chapter stories) so I wrote this to help myself feel better. Maybe it'll help some of y'all too ❤

Summary: Y/n has been suffering with immense negativity from her mental illnesses. Normally when this she self isolates and waits for it to pass, not a good coping skill surely but it keeps her safe. But this time, unbeknownst to her, Natasha has observed her slight changes and struggles during this period. So when Y/n takes a sudden leave, Nat knows she has to do something to show how much she cares and prove to Y/n that she's not alone.

Warnings: alludes to: anxiety, depression, PTSD, spiraling, suicidal ideation

Word count: 1773

Natasha Masterlist Marvel Masterlist

   It was movie night at the Avengers tower, and much to Natashas dismay you were once again absent. It wasn’t normal for you to miss out on things with the team, either as a whole or one on one hangouts. But for the past few weeks that's exactly what's been happening. It was gradual at first, but as time went on your lack of involvement only grew and your excuses as to why eventually stopped entirely. And while the rest of the team has taken notice of this behavior and is also a bit worried, it's Natasha who is affected most by your absence.

   She had thought that she was just being anxious due to her feelings for you mixed with the sudden distance you were making. But then she realized that was only part of the reason. What really impacted her were the changes she perceived in you. At first it was small things, like you losing focus during a meeting or skipping breakfast. But things had escalated, and far too quickly as far as she was concerned. Your gaze had become distant, your smile failed to be as bright, your laugh lacked its usual luster, you were eating less and sleeping more. But worst of all, you were throwing yourself into whatever mission came along. Even if you weren’t healed up from the last one yet.

   Unfortunately she knew exactly the headspace you were currently in, and she knew it wasn’t a good place for anyone to be. But especially you. It honestly hurt her to watch you suffer as you were, retreating in on yourself instead of seeking help. Or at least seeking her out, you usually confided in her whenever anything was bothering you. But she knew this made her a bit of a hypocrite because back when she was a new SHIELD recruit and struggling like this she certainly wasn’t letting Clint through the walls she built around herself, no matter how hard he tried to be there for her. But to her credit, when she was at her worst, she did reluctantly seek the archer out and let him in. 

   While she wants the same outcome for you, she doesn’t want you to have to hit your lowest point like she had before you reached out and accepted help. So she decides that she needs to act first and approach you. Maybe it's because she knows her friendship with you is closer than her and Clints had been at the time or maybe it's because she's hopeful that you return her feelings and have a bit of a weak spot for her, either way she's almost sure that you’ll be more recipient than she’d been. Which is why she finds herself quietly getting up from the sofa and slipping out of the room just as the movie begins to play. 

   She heads down the hall for the elevator but decides she doesn’t have the patience for it and so she opts for the stairs instead. She gets to your floor and heads straight for your door, where she doesn't hesitate to knock. As expected she receives no answer from you but it doesn’t deter her from knocking again.

   “Y/n, I know you're in there. Don’t make me pick the lock” she says. And it had been an attempt at a joke, but when she still gets no sign of movement from you she decides to do just that

   Your door opens with a familiar squeak that has you shifting in your bed, and your brows furrow as you watch Natasha reclose your door, “Didn’t think you were serious”

   “I’m always serious” she replies, knowing that outward image was far from what she allowed you to see

   “Not with me you aren’t” you grumble, managing to briefly make the corners of her mouth twitch in amusement. 

    But that amusement doesn’t last long as she takes in the state of your room. The blinds are shut with curtains drawn and a blanket has even been hung up over the curtain rod to block out all possible light from entering the space. Your dirty clothes are no longer limited to the hamper in the corner and are instead tossed recklessly about the floor. Your trashcan is shoved full of take out containers, a few dirty dishes are stacked on your nightstand, and the only light source is your dim bedside lamp.

   Her eyes scan over your appearance next and her heart sinks further. Based on your messy hair, dark eye bags, paler than usual complexion and crumpled up blankets she can assume that your prolonged stay in bed hasn’t been a restful one. Your scowl deepens when you notice her looking you over and you subconsciously shift under her gaze.

   “Can I help you with something Natasha, or do you just not get the hint that silence means I’d rather be alone?”

   She sighs and tries not to take your cold demeanor to heart. She knows you're just trying to keep yourself from being vulnerable with her. She decides to test her luck and steps further into the room, and when you don’t say anything about how close she is now she takes a seat on the edge of your bed.

   “I’m worried about you” she admits, her voice barely above a whisper

   “I’m fine” 

   “I know what fine means, Y/n.” she states, her gaze softening as she looks at you again, “And I know you aren’t okay right now”

   “I don’t need to be checked up on Natasha, I’m capable of looking out for myself and I’m telling you that I am okay.” you tell her, but the lie is more difficult to get out to her than you anticipated

   “Don’t do that.” You swallow the lump in your throat and she continues, “Don’t lie to me. Please” 

    “Why do you assume I’m lying?”

   “Other than the fact that I’m a world renown spy you mean? Or the fact that you never shut me out like you've been doing?” She turns towards you more and reaches out for your hand, and though you stiffened at the contact she isn’t deterred, “I know because I’ve been where you are, and I know it's a hell of a road to go down alone.”

    Part of you wants to admit that she's right, to confide in her like you normally would until your walls all come crashing down and you're letting everything out through tears while she wraps you up in her embrace. But the other part of you is still hesitant to be vulnerable, especially with Natasha. Once she saw those darker parts of you, those thoughts and feelings that you wish you didn't have but dealt with in some part daily, you were sure she’d turn away just like everyone else who offered to be there for you. And honestly that was something you knew your heart just couldn’t take. Not with meaning as much to you as she did now.

   “Hey” she gently calls out, likely sensing your inner turmoil, “You don’t have to suffer in silence alone, because you're not alone. I’m right here, and I hate seeing you like this. Please let me in. Even if I can’t help, I can at least be here to support you. Please don't keep shutting me out”

   You aren’t sure if it was the honesty and vulnerability in her voice, or the unshed tears in her eyes that finally had you breaking, but you suppose that didn’t really matter. All that mattered was that you were finally letting her in.

   “I don’t know what to do anymore Tasha” you admit as your voice trembles, and you push past your tears to keep going, “Everything just gets so hard and it's like I can’t even function. All I can do is the bare minimum, and thats so fuckin pathetic. I’m an adult, an Avenger for god's sake, and all I can do is lay in bed and wish I just didn’t even exist”

   “Detka(baby), no. It’s not pathetic, not at all. With everything you’ve gone through and how tough life has been for you, it makes sense that you’d have some days where that all just gets to be too much”

   You can’t help but scoff, “So many people have gone through what I have and they don’t struggle like this. And so many people have it worse. Just look at Bucky, or Wanda. Hell, even you- ”

   “Don’t do that, don’t compare your struggles to others. Everyones brains are different and everyone handles their traumas differently too. What matters is these things affect you, and sometimes you struggle because of them. That's it, no one else's situation bears any sort of weight on what you went through or how you deal with it.”She stresses, “You are allowed to feel how you feel, and you're allowed to not be okay.”

   A sob finally slips past your lips and without a second thought you're sitting up and flinging yourself at the redhead. She quickly wraps her arms around you and pulls you close, letting one hand soothe your back while her other gently cradles the back of your head. Your hands clutch at the fabric of her shirt tightly and you bury your face in the crook of her neck, letting your tears fall against her skin. She doesn’t mind honestly, she's just happy to be the one that you get to turn to when things get hard.

    “I just don’t wanna be here sometimes Tasha, it all gets to be too much.”

    “I know detka(baby), I know. But I am so proud of you for continuing on and so glad that you are here. You are so important. And even more so to me” she whispers, kissing the top of your head

    “I just feel so lost. So alone.”

    “I know, but I’ve got you now and I’m not letting you go. We’ll figure things out together. I promise. Whatever you need Y/n, therapy or time off missions, I’ll help you get it.” she says, tightening her hold on you, “Good days or bad, I’ll be right here.”

   The conviction she speaks with lets you know she means every word, and you know she’s not leaving your side.  You know you're safe in her embrace, and you feel incredibly grateful knowing she's going to be there to help care for you. And though you're still reeling from the turmoil within your head, you find yourself feeling like maybe things were going to start looking up from now on, as long as you had Natasha beside you.

Taglist: @wandaromamoff69 @mmmmokdok @nataliasknife @natashasilverfox @when-wolves-howl @danveration @naomi-m3ndez @sheneonromanoff @sayah13 @likefirenrain @nighttime-dreaming @just-a-torn-up-masterpiece @readings-stuff @chaoticevilbakugo @crystalstark02 @wackymcstupid @xchaiix @iaminluvwithnat @lovelyy-moonlight @blackwidow-3 @mistressofinsomnia @that-one-gay-mosquito @yomamagf @yourfavdummy @justarandomreaderxoxo @scoutlp23-blog @whoischanelle15 @lissaaaa145 @eline03 @wizardofstories @imthenatynat @marvelonmymind @fluffyblanketgecko @bitch-616 @dakotastormm  @zoomdeathknight @rayeofmoonlight @aeroae @sashawalker2

[konigsblog]

for angst, him comforting you with mental health issues (depression, anxiety, eating, bad coping skills, maybe he notices signs of mania?) things like that could be triggering but sometimes it’s just nice to feel like theres someone there for you, even if it’s not real :(

tw; mentions of eating disorders (bulimia)

whenever he came back from your deployment, you always looked different. your weight fluctuating, you jaw swollen and your eyebags growing. some days he came back and you had red marks and scars on your knuckles, your teeth grazing against your skin causing cuts to form.

you always smiled, even if you were really struggling, and he always grew worried. he didn't want tto find you leaning over the toilet, your stomach swollen with food, ruptured and deceased. he hates the way your tears would well up with tears when you brushes through your hair - chunks of hair falling from your scalp, losing your sex drive due to insecurities and your struggles.

whenever you slept, he'd hold you hand. noticing your purple and blue nails, freezing cold palms. you were so cold that he worried if you'd died, feeling like a corpse in his arms. gazing down at the redness on your knuckles, sighing deeply before kissing your forehead, removing the body scale in the bathroom and throwing away the food scales that rested in the cupboard draws.

simon despised the way you'd play around with your food, cutting them into small pieces and attempting to distract him with questions about his day or work. how was your day? what did you do on your missions this time? how's johnny? eventually, he couldn't take the fear forming in his gut everytime he looked at you, dropping his utensils onto the table and grabbing your hand tenderly. “sweetheart, speak to me, please.”

you were hesitant, knowing how much you hated your body, you didn't want to get help. the compliments you got from your friends whenever you lost a couple kilos encouraged you further, taking sips of water and repressing your hunger. the muscle inside you wore away, nutrients lacked, standing up too fast and fainting.

he made sure not to force you into eating disorder recovery, but acknowledging your problems and working on helping your slowly. he placed more food on your plate everyday, talked your through your meals and held you for however long you needed.

you both stood naked infront of the mirror, sat on his lap as he pointed out everything he loved about you (spoiler alert, it was everything) wiping your tears away while cradling you in his arms. “my love, i love you, baby.. you're so gorgeous, i don't understand how you can't see that.”

“you'll always be my sweet girl, you're so perfect - every inch of you, regardless of body weight, measurements and height, you're stunning to me, i can't imagine you any other way apart from with me, i need you, let me help you.”

[windvexer]

This is in reply to a very long ask, which I would prefer to summarize.

As a young child, Anon and their mother left an abusive situation and moved into a new house.

When they moved, Anon began suffering from severe violent and grotesque intrusive thoughts even though they were a young child with no prior exposure to these things.

In order to cope, Anon shut out these thoughts as much as possible.

When Anon moved out of the house, these intrusive thoughts stopped and never returned.

Now, some years later and coming from a more stable place, Anon believes that these intrusive thoughts had a supernatural source. Not from a haunting spirit, but from the home itself.

Anon finishes the ask with: "So I think shutting out spiritual energy has become so deeply ingrained in me that I just can't get a proper practice going. Aside from getting good at warding to fill that role, I was hoping you had some advice on breaking down that barrier a bit?"

Anon, I hope I've correctly summarized your ask. I'm looking at it now on the other half of the screen to respond to what you wrote.

I am not going to comment on mental health issues. As you've said yourself, this is something you've worked through and doubtless you are very aware of the mental and emotional impact such a life transition could have on a young child.

Since I'm not qualified to speak on mental health or self therapy, let's move forward with the assumption that you did experience something supernatural - that something about the house, or within the house, was causing those thoughts.

It's my experience that the scariness of a supernatural event is often unrelated to how "powerful" that event was.

Many people who experience overwhelming negative spiritual contact tend to set out with the point of view that because these events affected them so strongly, that the event must have been caused by a very powerful force.

When I was in my first apartment, there were old hard water stains in the toilet bowl. My room mate scrubbed and scrubbed all day with zero progress, and declared the bowl to be permanently stained.

I went in and dumped some toilet bowl cleaner in, and the stains came out in about five minutes.

Despite all the work, my room mate had failed to use the necessary cleanser to actually resolve the problem.

It's just the same thing with unwanted spiritual contact. People use the wrong tools for the job, and declare the situation hopeless.

But more likely than not, the people who tell me they are struggling with debilitating spiritual symptoms have never tried any act of magic to resolve them, at all.

And more likely than not, the very first ward they try will resolve it.

Supernatural problems may be very difficult to resolve through mundane means, but they tend to be easy to resolve with supernatural means.

In my experience, a vast majority of people experiencing overwhelming spiritual contact can resolve the problem with basic warding.

I know that you're not in that old house any more, but I want to emphasize that dealing with these sorts of problems is really not as difficult as most people think.

You shouldn't set yourself up to think that it will take months of study to craft a serviceable ward, or banishment, or cleansing. Doubtless you could do all of them right now, if you had a decent recipe book in front of you.

I believe you could probably do this even if it was the first spell you had ever cast.

My first piece of advice is to ward pretty well. If you do not want to deal with surprise spirits popping up, I would recommend a pretty heavy-handed ward that limits most spiritual ingress.

This isn't because lots of spirits are guaranteed to appear, although in my experience it can happen to new practitioners. It's just about creating a safe space where you feel confident exploring the things around you.

A personal protection, such as a protective amulet, is also very helpful. For people really worried about spiritual protections, I recommend two; an "everyday use" amulet, and a very "heavy" protection likened to a suit of armor.

Protections need to be maintained. If you want to be a witch, learning how to monitor, feed, and manage ongoing protections is an important skill for beginners. Working with wards is an excellent way to learn this.

You should learn one method of cleansing and one method of banishing. These can both be more mild, "everyday use" sorts of spells. By this I mean you don't have to go nuclear - again, even very mild magical action goes a long way towards resolving supernatural problems.

I recommend this because it is very helpful as a witch to learn that you can control your environment, and start unlearning helplessness towards the vibes.

Many people who have an affinity towards the supernatural become helpless towards the dreary and damaging fogbanks of deleterious energy that settle around people and places. They become helpless because they don't know how to resolve it; it's just there, and it's something they experience, and that's that.

But you don't need to do that, because you have the tools to correct it.

Begin practicing, as often as you have an opportunity to do so, the art of adjusting the vibes. Teach yourself how to cleanse and revitalize spaces so that it's enjoyable to let your guard down and soak up what's around you.

Unlearn any internalization: "ugh, every time I'm in this room I feel terrible, even though I shouldn't. I don't know what's wrong with me." Begin pushing back. Fix spaces. Protect against unsavory people whom you can't avoid.

This undertaking, by and large, will teach you plenty of magic.

You should consider getting reacquainted with your spiritual senses through energy work, not through contacting gods or spirits.

This really eliminates the worry about contacting "something out there," and lets you focus on just playing about with some energies.

It can be danged useful, too. Learning how to shield - even something as ubiquitous and basic as a sphere of white light - can be significantly helpful towards blocking out unwanted supernatural contact.

Try warding your space for peace of mind, and then practicing some of the common energy work exercises: energy balls, grounding roots, cycling energy through the body and earth, breathing energy in and out, raising shields, channeling energy into objects, centering/reclaiming energy, and so on.

If you'd like to work with spirits, try talking to a tree that gives you really good vibes. Trees are often - but not always - remarkably friendly, especially domesticated trees in urban or suburban areas. They also tend to be more talkative than rocks.

You don't need to leave offerings or set up a contact schedule or anything. But if you feel that you're prepared to start reaching beyond yourself, a tree is a decent guy to start talking to.

Magically speaking, some people really have tapped down their own psychism and connections so much, that it becomes an actual blockage.

If you're trying to do magical or psychic work and you can't shake a weird feeling that something is actually in the way, like a boulder blocking the path, then this is of course a magical boulder and should be addressed through magical means.

You can try three things:

The first is personal cleansing of any sort, but especially done with a focus to remove magical blockages and barriers. Be aware that this may need to be done multiple times over a period of weeks, or longer, to take effect. If multiple cleansings are necessary, this is preferable over intense "lightning strike" cleansings that can rip things open.

The second is to give yourself permission. In your original ask you mention being familiar with shadow work, and so perhaps you are familiar with the idea of granting yourself permission or authority to engage in things, which deep down you are nervous of doing.

The third is to build a shrine that honors your own psychism and your own connections. Almost imagine that you are building a shrine to a lost god, forgotten for so long that he's turned to ash and dust. Burn candles, light incense, and give offerings to your own ability to connect. Lovingly tend to it, and treat it as a wayward spirit who now needs to be called home, nurtured, and restored to its rightful throne.

[irwinsblender]

inner demons

a/n: i’ve written this over the span of a few weeks bc my mental health has been down the drain recently and i needed an outlet. i wasn’t sure about uploading this, but here it is anyway

also used these pictures of ashton bc that’s how i imagine he’d look when listening to you rant about how you’re feeling

pairing: ashton x reader

summary: your mental health has been getting worse again and ashton is there to try and help you through it

warnings: depression, self harm, reference to suicide - and please, if you find any of these triggering, don’t read this fic

word count: 3k

✩ ✩ ✩

winter was one of the worst times of year for you. specifically, for your mental health. the dreary, rainy and cloudy weather, days becoming dark hours earlier than in the summer was always hard on you.

your mental health was bad already. you’d been suffering with depression for quite a long time now. it first started at school when you couldn’t deal with exams along with certain horrible people in your classes, that seemed to linger for a few years after you graduated.

just when you thought things were getting better, the pandemic hit, causing you to relapse and become worse than before. you didn’t know how to deal with all of the terrible thoughts that were constantly going around your head, including thoughts telling you to hurt yourself.

and you did, you turned to that to help you cope with feeling so exhausted. in the end, it didn’t really help. but you had nothing else to help you.

until you met ashton irwin. your now boyfriend.

you’d never met anyone as caring as him. he always listened to anything you had to say, he was there for you when you needed to rant; most of all, he didn’t leave after you told him about your struggles.

in fact, he empathised with you. telling you about his struggles and ways he tried to get through them. he promised then and there that he would always be there to support you and would never judge you for any of your thoughts or emotions.

you always appreciated ashton, but you found it hard to tell him when you were beginning to struggle more again. you felt pathetic not being able to cope on your own, you felt like a burden in his life every time you had to involve him in your problems.

this was one of those times.

it had been a long day, or at least it felt like it had been. it was raining all day, something you hated. you hadn’t been able to get out of bed, you hadn’t eaten, only had a drink of water which ashton brought to you before he left the house earlier in the day.

you’d been sitting in the bathroom for the past hour with the door locked. you’d told ashton you were going to have a shower, but, you never got that far. ashton would’ve noticed that the noise of the shower never started, but he’s always been respectful to leave you to whatever you need to do.

it was different this time though. it was too quiet. he was sat in the living room, planning on cooking you both a nice dinner. however, you’d been acting different today. you’d been quiet, not as cheerful as usual when he arrived home from being elsewhere.

you were sat on the closed toilet, leaning against the counter as tears fell down your face. deciding if you were going to do what your mind had been telling you to do. you didn’t want to hurt yourself again, but what choice did you have? nothing else helped. it was practically staring you in the face from where you’d placed the sharp object on the counter.

you looked down at your arms, marks from a couple of weeks ago that were starting to heal properly. marks you hadn’t told ashton about. ashton knew you struggled more at this time of year; he’d been busy recently with work, he hadn’t had time to notice things going even more downhill.

while you were contemplating your choices, ashton had been making his way upstairs. he decided that maybe you needed some company with showering. you told him previously that you find it comforting showering together, so that’s what he’d do.

he entered the bedroom, still hearing no movement. he tried to go into the bathroom, met with the door not budging. just the handle twisting. he couldn’t open the door. you’d locked it.

“sweetheart?” he called out, sudden worry washing over him. “you okay in there?”

you’d jumped at the sound of him trying to open the door, you don’t usually lock it, but it was necessary this time. you didn’t answer him, trying to muffle your cries.

“baby? please answer me,” you could hear the frustration and fear in his tone. “i’m here for you, i’m not going anywhere.”

“i’m fine, ash,” you sniffled. “just leave me alone.”

it came out harsher than you meant it to. your emotions playing a part. you never ask him to leave you alone. that only happened when you were in this kind of situation.

“i’m not leaving,” ashton replied. “talk to me, please, i’m here, whatever you need.”

you let out an accidental loud cry, placing your head in your hands as you couldn’t hold back your cries any longer. you were in so much pain it was hard to handle.

ashton’s heart broke hearing the way you were crying. why hadn’t he noticed you weren’t as happy as normal, why hadn’t he noticed your depression taking a toll again. he should’ve noticed.

“can you open the door, baby?” he asked, trying his luck before he’d have to figure something else out.

“no,” you said with a gasp, your crying almost uncontrollable as you moved to pick the object up from the counter.

your shaky hands weren’t helping, causing you to drop it, making a clanging noise as it hit the floor. you knew ashton would’ve heard it, he would’ve put two and two together. you couldn’t pick it up, crying even harder.

ashton was going through his nightstand already, trying to find the outside key for the bathroom door. he was panicking by now, frantically trying to find it, worried when he didn’t come upon it instantly. until, a light caught his eye on the dresser.

the light reflecting on the key, he quickly picked it up, going back to the bathroom door. he slid the key into the lock, twisting it two times until he heard it click.

he pushed it open, causing you to quickly try and turn away, rushing to pull the sleeves of your hoodie down before he could see anything. you wiped your eyes on your sleeves instead, only glancing over to him for a second.

ashton looked to you first, he couldn’t miss the way you pulled at your sleeves, he looked to the ground, seeing the razor there, but it was clean which gave him slight relief.

he moved it out of the way, walking to you slowly, crouching down beside you. he placed one hand on your knee, caressing his thumb back and fourth, the other on your waist.

“i’m here, baby, i’m here now,” he tried to reassure. “what do you need?”

you shook your head, you couldn’t even look at him. you felt pathetic, like a disgrace. you couldn’t look your own boyfriend in the eye because you were embarrassed about how badly you were handling things.

ashton saw the expression on your face, it was too familiar. the same a couple of years ago, when you were struggling, when you had been harming yourself. he knew what was going on now.

“it’s okay if you’re not doing okay, love,” he said, cupping your cheek in one of his hands, wiping away your tears.

“i’m fine,” you bluntly responded. “i’m always fine, everything is always just fine.”

your hurt started turning into slight anger. angry with yourself, angry with the way you kept going around in circles with your mental health. you got a little better, and then things always became worse. it’s the same thing over and over and over.

“baby—“

“just leave me alone,” you folded your arms, pushing his hands away from you. not thinking straight with the other thoughts clouding your mind.

“i don’t want you to be alone,” ashton softly replied, trying to keep calm in this situation. “you don’t have to go through this alone.”

“i’m handling it,” you tried to get a subtle look behind ashton, trying to find where the razor was. if you could just get him to leave—

“angel,” he got your attention. knowing that nickname would stop you from whatever else you’re thinking about. “you know it’s okay if you aren’t doing good, this isn’t something that will instantly go away, there are ups and downs and that’s okay. wherever you’re at now, i’m here to help you through it.”

you cried harder at that. everything was hurting. you were exhausted with life. you didn’t want to keep living like this.

“i’m sorry,” you cried, holding your hands over your face. “i’m so sorry.”

“hey, hey, it’s okay, why are you sorry?” ashton asked, standing himself up as he took your hands in his.

“i— i did it again,” you blubbered. taking a breath to try and control your crying. ashton didn’t know what you were talking about. “i know i said i’d talk to you if i felt that bad again, but i just— i couldn’t bring myself to tell you.”

then it clicked. he knew what you meant. locking yourself in the bathroom, the razor you’d dropped on the floor. you’d been self harming again.

“you don’t have to apologise for that, baby,” he sighed. “it’s not something easy to talk about, please don’t feel like you need to say sorry to me.”

you were quiet after he said that. trying not to keep crying the way you were while also trying to figure out what to say next. his hands were still in yours, not planning on letting go any time soon.

“i thought things were getting better,” you complained honestly. “i was happy travelling with you the last two months, and as soon as we got home everything started crashing down on me.”

“being on tour was a big distraction for you, a new city every night, seeing places you’ve never been before, you didn’t have time to think about anything else,” ashton reminded. “now we’re home, there’s days where we have nothing going on, it gives your mind time to overthink and for those bad thoughts to come back.”

you didn’t say anything after that, ashton could tell it wasn’t helping with you sitting in the bathroom, the razor behind him on the floor. he pulled at your hands softly, urging you to stand with him. thankfully you did, walking with him as he lead you through to the bedroom. he took you over to the bed, only letting go of your hands so he could sit back against the headboard.

“come here, love,” he held one arm out, waiting for you to get comfortable.

you sat down, shuffling over to him. your head resting against his shoulder, his arm around you to keep you close. he pressed a delicate kiss to your cheek, causing you to look up at him.

“i don’t know what to do,” you suddenly spoke. ashton allowing you to get your thoughts out. “this feels never ending, it feels like there’s no way out apart from—“

“baby,” he cut you off before you could finish your sentence. he knew what you were going to say, but he didn’t want to hear it come out of your mouth. “i know it’s hard, and i hate that you’re feeling like this again. you deserve so much happiness and i wish there was more i could do to take your pain away.”

“it hurts, ash,” you started to cry again, tears dropping down your cheeks continuously. “everything hurts so bad.”

he pulled you tighter against his chest, one hand on the back of your head, slowly running through your hair. he pressed soft kisses to your forehead every few moments, trying to let you know how much he loved you and that he was right there with you through this.

as your crying started to calm down, ashton took one of your hands in his, stretching out your arm slightly. you looked up at him, wondering what he was doing.

“can i see?” he asked.

you weren’t sure at first, but eventually nodded your head. he gently pulled up your sleeve, each mark, scar and any new cuts revealing themselves to him. you sighed seeing the upset look on his face.

“they’re horrible,” you sniffled. tugging your arm away from him. “i’m sorry.”

“they aren’t horrible, baby,” ashton held your hand. he ran his thumb over a couple of old scars, then he lifted your arm up, pressing kisses along the length of it. “they show strength. it shows you’ve been strong enough to fight to stay in this world.”

you didn’t know how he could see it like that. in your own head, it showed how weak you were, how bad you were at coping with life.

“you’re the strongest person i know,” ashton continued, pulling your sleeve back down as he kept your hand in his. “it takes strength to admit you aren’t doing good, so i’m proud of you for telling me.”

“i don’t know what to do, ash,” you slouched further into his grip, cheek pressed against his chest. “nothing’s getting better, i don’t know what to do to get better. this cycle is becoming too much to deal with.”

ashton could’ve cried hearing you say that. knowing the person he loved is feeling so defeated broke his heart. he would do anything it takes to make you feel better, to try and help you.

“i’m here for you, baby,” he stroked his hand softly through your hair. “anything you need me to do, just say the word, i promise i will always be here for you.”

“i don’t know what else will help,” you sniffled. “therapy didn’t work, the meds made me feel worse, there’s nothing else. i have nothing else.”

“you have me,” ashton cupped your cheek in his hand, lifting your head to look at him. “if you want me to listen, if you need advice, if you want me to distract you, or if you just want me to hold you while you cry, i'll be here. no matter what.”

he leaned down, kissing your forehead before pecking your lips a few times in a row. finally getting a small smile out of you. if he could see your smile every day, his life would be complete. that’s all he wanted. for you to be happy.

“i’m sorry for being like this again,” you sighed. not holding eye contact. “i don’t know how you put up with me.”

“i’m not putting up with this,” ashton shook his head. “i care about you, more than anything, i’ll do whatever it takes to make this a little easier for you to get through, because you can get through it.”

you shuffle down, your head resting on his stomach as you close your eyes. tired out from the chaos of your own mind.

“we could take a few trips,” ashton suggested. “you love travelling. i know you still have that list of places you want to visit.”

“i do, but…” you paused, opening your eyes as you squeezed ashton’s hand in yours. “what happens when we come home? i’ll just be like this again.”

“we’ll try and find other things for you to enjoy,” ashton was determined to stay positive in this situation. “you love to draw, you love to create art, and i’ve seen the way you watch me play the drums and guitar. i could teach you, give you something else to put your mind to.”

you thought for a moment, wiping your sleeves over your eyes one last time. you couldn’t believe ashton still wanted to bother with trying after how difficult and negative you always were in this situation.

“okay,” you mumbled. ashton was surprised to hear that you’ll do this. “i don’t know if it’ll help, but i’ll try.”

“that’s a start,” ashton smiled. “the best thing you can do is try. even if it takes time.”

you nodded. finally looking up at him. you shuffled yourself upwards, capturing his lips in a unexpected but loving kiss. placing your hand on his cheek softly as you pull away.

“how would you feel about getting a guitar?” he asked, hands on your waist pulling you to straddle him. “i know how much you love painting, we could buy some paint for it so you can make it your own.”

“i could paint little flowers on it,” you excitedly suggested. “and maybe some butterflies too, that would look pretty.”

ashton nodded in agreement, just happy that you were willing to do this to see if it’ll help having your mind preoccupied with something like learning how to play an instrument. he hoped this would help, hating seeing you hurting like this.

“well, the band has no plans on making new music just yet,” ashton tucked your hair behind your ears. “we could take a trip soon… italy maybe?”

“really? you want go to italy before going back to australia?” you asked, one of your bucket list places, knowing how much he wanted to head back to australia after tour ended.

“australia can wait, i want to make sure you’re okay first.”

you let out a long breath, leaning towards him to wrap your arms around his neck, his arms around your back as he hugged you as close to him as he could get you. he kissed your cheek, making sure you knew he would always be there for moments like this.

“i love you,” he said quietly. “remember i’ll always be here, for anything you need. you don’t have to go through this alone.”

“i don’t know what i’d do without you,” you held him tighter. “i love you, ash.”

a few more tears threatened to leave your eyes as you hugged. you truly didn’t think you’d be here anymore if ashton hadn’t come into your life when he did. and now he can be your anchor that grounds you and gives you a reason to try and live this life, no matter how tough it might be.

✩ ✩ ✩

taglist: @hexsdexs @conspiracy-ash @oliviah-25 @superbloomrry | if you would like to join my taglist, please comment here or see this post

[tayshifts]

Extra things I scripted into my MHA DR

Some are safety related and some are for my convenience as i was worried about them

Mosquitoes, lice, ticks, fleas, cockroaches, silverfish, and bed bugs don’t exist.

There is no rape in my DR.

There is no racism or racial prejudice.

There is no homophobia and no transphobia. There are no surgical requirements for transgender people to be able to change their gender legally. No ban on same sex marriage or same sex adoption. Equal fucking rights. LOVE IS LOVE BITCH

I take Mineta’s place in Class 1-A. Mineta is not in my DR.

UA has always had the dorms.

I have enough money to always live comfortably. UA provides all students with stipends

No one in my Class or Class B will die.

Midnight will not die

Present Mic will not die

All Might will not die

Eraserhead will not die

There is no hero licensing exam. We are given our licenses at the discretion of our teachers at our school, based on when they think we are ready for them. Class 1-A and 1-B all receive hero licenses after the events at the Training Camp and Kamino.

TikTok exists in my DR, younger heroes often have their own TikTok accounts to gain popularity.

Current music exists in my DR

We speak English at school but everyone is fluent in both english and japanese

I cannot be expelled

The Hero Support course develops a fabric for Hagakure so that she can wear something during hero work and still retain her invisibility. AKA used her hair as a base like they did for Mirio

Hagakure can also control when she is invisible and since her hero quirk will be similar to Mirio’s in concept, it will turn invisible with her

I do not know the plot as it will play out beyond where I enter my DR. For example, I will not know about the attack on the Camp prior to the attack starting

There is no Covid-19 in my DR

We have the same homeroom teacher for all three years at UA.

UA has professional therapists to help hero students cope with stress and emotions that come with hero training. These therapists can make sure students in need of mental health counseling and medication receive the proper care. (Amajiki)

UA is a college and all students are 20 upon entering their first year at UA, no matter the program.

Eri is not aged up, despite all other characters being aged up. She is still a child.

I will always remember my classmates and their hero names

Spotify Premium is just how spotify works in my DR, for free

UA gives students access to all streaming platforms. Netflix, Disney, HBO, Hulu, etc

Squishmallows has ProHero squishmallows

Sir Nighteye doesn’t die. He is injured but he and All Might will reconcile and All Might will finally explain why he couldn’t give the quirk to Mirio

The War Arc doesn’t happen, there is a better solution

Instead of the Licensing Exam, we do interschool training exercises to promote working together in the future and being exposed to other future heroes, not just our class or school’s.

I have the right adaptors/chargers/etc for outlets used in Japan

The zombie ova doesn’t happen

I understand the metric system

I understand the yen to US dollar conversion and my banking is set up when I arrive, so I don’t need to worry about it

We have the same dorm building all three years, they just change the signage to signify what year we’re in

Each dorm room has its own private bathroom. There are still the communal baths

Fatphobia is a no <3

Hidden cameras in public and nonpublic spaces aren't a thing.

The toilets are like the ones in America

ADHD/stimulant drugs are legal. I have no issues getting any of my needed medications in Japan and can get them easily from local pharmacies

Stronger Western deodorants are available in Japan, easy to find

[flowercrowncrip]

I met up with a friend I made at uni who’s still studying at the uni I left. And I know the uni is treating disabled students badly because I studied there for a few years but hearing how bad it is with the perspective I’ve gained working with an organisation that genuinely wants to treat me and other disabled people well has made me so angry.

My friend is really suffering and so much of the stress she’s having to cope with is being caused by the uni almost going out of their way to make her life harder. An example is that they’ve built a brand new well-being/ mental health service building which doesn’t have wheelchair access. And they are refusing to replace light bulbs in disabled toilets because it’s “not a priority” that disabled students have to piss in the dark.

I’m so angry that the uni (and everyone else let’s be real) can keep getting away with being so blatantly discriminatory while expecting us to be grateful.

[pjunicornart]

Symptoms of Me (vent post... kinda)

So, my mental health has been kicking my ass as of late. I haven't been feeling the best, and lately I've been beat to shit by my autistic symptoms.

So how did I vent? With Meet the Robinsons, of course. Because I feel so connected to Lewis/Cornelius, I headcanon that he experiences my symptoms as well.

I drew Neil displaying how my symptoms/trauma manifests. They're all just little doodles. I think it's important for people to see from multiple perspectives when it comes to mental health (especially neurodivergency) because everyone's symptoms manifest differently. I've wanted to make a post like this for a while, so... here you go.

This is me. (cw: brief mentions of trauma/abusive relationships)

I space out a lot. Often times I'll get lost in my daydreams, so much so that hours could pass by and I wouldn't have a clue. This happens a lot, actually. It's the reason why I'm only able to get one artwork done a day, because I constantly space out. Another little symptom displayed here is my fidgeting. As I write this post I am bouncing my leg.

Wanna know a physical sign of autism? Toe walking! I do this a lot. I do it because carpets and hardwood floors feel weird to walk on. If I don't have my house shoes or socks on, I'll toe walk everywhere.

Music is how I connect with the world. That's why I get inspired by music so often. Since I can't formulate my words on the topic of my feelings, music is how I do that. Music helps me understand myself by putting complex things I don't understand into simple to sing along to verses.

On the topic of music, it gets stuck in my head. Easily. I can put a song on loop for five hours straight and I would never get bored of it. When I go to bed, the song will play in my head, and I'll get excited because I can listen to it again in the morning. Because songs get stuck in my head so often, I would mumble under my breath the lyrics as a tick. The same could be said for my ticks in general. Small phrases or words will repeat in my head over and over again, and I'll say them aloud. Recently, "he's tired" has been on repeat for me. I don't know why.

Wanna know ANOTHER physical sign of autism? Frequent constipation/irregular and incomplete bowel movements. I am definitely guilty of this. I've been taking fiber gummies, but it's only helped a little bit. I still go over a week without going number two. This might be a bit TMI, but this is one reason why it was super difficult for my parents to potty train me. It would hurt to go, and therefore I wouldn't wanna do it. My parents weren't particularly... nice, about potty training me. I have trauma from it. Speaking of...

Because of trauma, I HATE using toilets. This kind of ties into my age regression as a coping mechanism a bit. For multiple reasons, I wish I had a better childhood. So, I regress to a mental space where I'm a happy kid. If I'm being honest? There are some days where I wish I could just go in a plastic potty and not use the toilet. Because of the trauma from potty training, yes, but also because they're loud. Loud noises suck.

Emotions? I don't understand them. To me, it's just noise. I see no reason for them, and I hate them. But it's only because I don't understand them, and this includes my own emotions. There are times where I'm crying, and I have no idea why I'm crying. I'll tell myself there's no need for me to cry here, and I'd curse myself for being "weak", when I'm just being human. I'd judge others for getting angry, because to me, it's so easy to just suppress everything and look at things logically. I had to teach myself empathy recently, because I didn't get it when I was younger.

I freeze when I'm in conflict. I remember everytime I'd get in trouble with my dad (he was emotionally abusive), I'd just sit there and cry, with the words stuck in my throat. I couldn't get them out, no matter how hard I tried. He'd yell at me and tell me to talk, and it would frustrate him when I wouldn't listen to him, and he'd just tell me off more. He didn't realize I was shutting down due to my autism (which was undiagnosed at the time - and still is because the American healthcare system sucks). It was hell. To this day, if I'm ever in a conflict, the words get stuck in my throat.

In general, my relationship with food is negative. I avoid certain foods like the plague because they trigger my very sensitive gag reflex. Most of the time it's a texture issue. That's why I have my comfort foods. They textures and tastes are perfect! You'll notice that they're mostly warm foods. These foods warm me up in a way I really like; It's a pleasant feeling. Box mac n' cheese is my all time favorite comfort food, too. I like it a specific way: It has to be the Kraft brand with the spiral pasta, and I like it with a little bit of extra milk. It makes it creamier. By the way, I don't know why I drew that burger with cheese, because I actually like my burgers plain. Just burger and bun (same with hot dogs).

I'll be okay. Just going through a rough patch right now. I have a new AU idea for MtR that I'll explain. Eventually.

[ralphlanyon]

i was going through my notes and found an old write-up from 2020 of modern au headcanons for "the charioteer" characters during covid-19 quarantine (back when "how would fandom X characters handle quarantine?" was a tumblr trend). apparently this was how i was coping with the stress of peak corona times, lol. anyway finally publishing this, three years later!

laurie: his introverted homebody ass is THRIVING in social isolation and wfh. no more awkwardly dodging party invites from people he hates, being dragged to nightclubs, or having to see his stepfather. he gets to stay home all day with ralph and their dog and finish all the books he meant to read, and he is LOVING it. receives a lot of requests to show off his dog during his work zoom meetings.

ralph: is Doing His Duty by staying home on furlough but also going completely stir-crazy. tries to stay sane by feverishly working on dozens of home improvement projects and cleaning the house several times. basically the epitome of that ben wyatt “do you think a depressed person could do THIS???” meme. has gotten into numerous arguments with people at the supermarket who refuse to wear masks or are hoarding enormous supplies of toilet paper (one of these ends up going viral).

andrew: is very sad about being separated from the rest of his religious community now that the churches are closed, but tries to keep a positive outlook on things. shares a lot of resources online about how to help out and staying in touch with one’s faith during “unprecedented times.”

alec: overworked and sleep-deprived nhs junior doctor directly taking care of covid-19 patients. hasn’t physically seen most of his friends or family in months. writes lengthy screeds on social media decrying the dearth of ppe for health care workers and ranting about politics. frequently gets into online fights with strangers who think coronavirus isn’t a big deal. sends ralph unsolicited articles about self-care and mental health tips during a pandemic that ralph pointedly ignores.

sandy: also overworked and sleep-deprived, but much better at concealing it online than alec. has a popular medical instagram where he posts selfies of him and alec with lots of hashtags. obsessively binge-watches cooking videos on youtube in his spare time.

bunny: an essential retail worker who brings this fact up constantly in conversation. secretly flouting social distancing guidelines on his off days to go to parties and hook-up with men on grindr. has the most aesthetically pleasing cloth masks but can’t bother to wear them properly.

[madame-fear]

Someone tell me how the HELL to deal with your F/O’s death in canon?

Mine awfully died and the second season is coming soon, I feel so dumb and embarrassed because I FEEL EXCITED but at the same time I feel absolutely devastated, and my heart is sinking with angst at the thought that his death will heavily influence this next season and perhaps even the others.

So please someone tell me ways of coping bc i can’t find any proper way anymore and my mental health is going down to the toilet floflelfkkrig

[wildshona]

Being a Sex Addict

Ok so a very nice man from New Zealand was asking what it felt like to be a sex addict and other people have really enjoyed taking advantage of it so here is a bit of a Shona style informational.

How do you become a sex addict?

Well there are some differences between men and women and for some it is about poor coping strategies but really it is about power and a need to overcome past trauma caused by sexual or physical abuse or loneliness caused by emotional neglect. well if u have been following my longer blogs rather than just looking at the pictures u must have picked up that i spent years being sexually abused as did my sister although she has not become a sex addict cos our circumstances were different not least she gort emotional support and i got emotional abuse as well as being fucked all the time.

What are the signs?

obsessive sexual thought - u gotta believe it unless i'm doing something that occupies my mind and activity then i will be thinking about sex, chatting and fantasising on tumblr or whatever.

excessive time spent on sexual activity - yeah i tick this box, excessive masturbation you bet and i dont wear knickers around the flat and even when i go out so that i can get at myself, watching lots of porn - not particularly but sometimes, excessive search for sexual encounters - well uve been reading my blog and u know the electrician is just one of many and ive just finished sucking off my husband before writing this to send him on his way to a meeting happy

feeling shame or depression - yeah well i dont talk about that too much but when you spent years being told ur a worthless whore only good as a cum receptacle it gets to ur mental health just a bit.

cheating on partners - fortunately dont need to cos Chris likes me fucking what he tries to do is keep it safe - not a lot of luck there but he does his best

engaging in increasingly risky and inappropriate behaviours - honestly if u go to a club and then go back to a flat with three strange men a s i did a couple of weeks ago that can turn really bad. it dodnt for me that time i just got all my holes occupied til i was dripping fluid from everywhere but i have been raped enough that i should know better but thats an addiction for you.

committing criminal sex offences - i suppose fucking in club toilets and alleyways covers that and lets not forget i met chris cos i offered him a blow job for a tenner

you can't stop regardless of negative consequences - yeah i can't stop and ive cum three times this morning already.

Can you be cured? Apparently recovery takes two to five years as long as you have consistent therapy. i think im on the five year journey and sometimes im not even sure i want to recover cos i fucking love fucking. but i know it is dangerous and i know i could end up dead in a ditch or selling myself so...

so now u know.

What does it feel like - an overpowering need to be a body that is used. even though it sometimes feeds the worse behaviours of the men and women who use as i experience with a lot of men on here

.

[katsu28]

hi friends,

i'm so sorry, but i'll be taking a break from tumblr for a little while. my mental health has been in the toilet for a long time now and usually i'm able to cope pretty well but these last few weeks have been honestly quite Terrible. i've been so low on energy lately and just very exhausted and burnt out from school, work, life, etc etc. (the hits start coming and they never stop coming, you know how it goes)

on top of that i've also not had the motivation or inspiration to write anything lately, and everything i have written i feel is total shit. i have a handful of requests i was working on that i'm putting on the backburner for now, so if you sent one in i apologize for not writing it! if i can shake myself out of this funk i'll take another stab at them but right now every time i look at my wips i start to feel overwhelmed, which is something i hate bc writing is supposed to be fun </3

but i promise i won't be leaving forever! hopefully i'll be back very soon, but for now i think i need to step away for a bit to get my shit together. i'll be cycling some old works through my queue and occasionally i might reblog some things but for the most part i probably won't be here all that often. still feel free to tag me in things, shoot me a message or an ask about anything your heart desires, i'll respond to them to the best of my ability when i'm able to, but if i don't i promise i'm not ignoring you!

i love you all very much, i'm so grateful for you all, and i'll see ya when i see ya <3

- kait

[pabulumm]

the hits start coming and they don't stop comingggg

brand new washing machine broke yesterday after only 2 weeks, can't get someone to come fix it until thursday so i'm gonna learn how to wash my underwear by hand today

dish washer's been leaking for idek how long at this point, but at least it still works i suppose

there's a 12x12 inch hole in the wall behind my toilet from my dad trying to fix a leak and it's been exposed for 3 months now in spite of my repeated pleas for it to be covered up and now that it's getting warmer spiders keep crawling out of it

and now there's an ant invasion in the kitchen

plus i've been feeling lowkey nauseous lately and idk why (not pregnant 100% sure of that at least) might be GERD, admittedly i've not been taking care of myself lately, sleeping and eating for shit...

just been throwing myself into every possible distraction because i don't wanna be a participant in my own life, which isn't really anything new, and i know it's not good but i don't know how else to cope. medicaid supposedly covers some mental health services which i should at least look into but from struggling to find a dermatologist that takes it, it became pretty apparent that as soon as they hear you're on medicaid, they want nothing to do with you because they're not gonna get any money out of you. that's hard to grapple with when you already feel unworthy and not able to take too many hits.

i know i'll feel better if i accomplish even 2 things today, so imma try to wash my undies and repot a plant that i suspect needs it and i've been neglecting. fingers crossed my plant doesn't freak out and die...supposedly its hardy, unlike me. we shall see.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw for csa, nightmares and flashbacks, csa detail

I just wanna vent

Last night I had a horrible nightmare of getting raped. It lasted for a long time and I'm still shaken from it. It brought back many flashbacks when I woke up. Idk why but even tho it was my mom who sa me, whenever I have a nightmare of sa (which happens a lot) my mom is never the rapist? Like its either my dad or a random person. Which is weird cuz my dad never sa'ed me. Sure he did constantly commented on my body ("your ass is growing, you're growing up!") Which make me feel uncomfortable. And one time he peeked through the toilet when i was using it to see if im on my phone, which was also weird but like he ddint mean to be inapp he just wanted to make sure i wasnt on my phone. But he never really did anything physical. Anyways the nightmare brought back shitty memories. I can still feel her lips and hands on me. It makes me feel so disgusted with myself, I feel like im dirty and gross for it. Ik it's not my fault but I just can't help feeling ashamed. My mom doesn't sa me anymore but she kinda does like.lower forms of it. Like slapping my ass or touching it, but that's normal right? I mean, I don't think she really means it in an inappropriate way, like she might just think it's a cute way of showing affection. My family is really physically affectionate after all, even my dad do that. Idk man I just feel so weird rn. I feel like I wanna get away from my body, like I don't belong in this thing. I wanna rip my skin off just to feel like she's never touched me. I wish she never did this to me, I wish we were a perfect family like how other ppl think we are. Worst part is they act so nice, they're good parents. It's just when I think of my childhood it's pretty messed up. I just keep trying to push down these feelings and ignore them so I can live in this fantasy of having perfect parents, but lately it's been becoming harder to do it. Thanks for listening, I hope u guys have a great day <3

- 💛

Hi 💛,

I'm so sorry about what you've been going through, as well as the dream you had. While you said your dad didn't outright SA you like your mom did, it sounds like he's still made inappropriate comments towards you and touches your butt. Please know that these things are unacceptable and you don't deserve to be treated this way.

It can be confusing when we dream of scenarios that are a bit different from our actual trauma, and it's natural to wonder why these details are changed in the dream. Sometimes our brains experiment with different dynamics to see how that changes the situation. Because for example there is quite a big difference between being raped by a stranger and being raped by your mom, and perhaps entertaining the idea of it being a stranger is a way to navigate and understand the dynamic between you and your mom. But sometimes its more symbolic or metaphorical. For example, if you dream about your dad being the perpetrator, perhaps it could symbolize the ways he makes you feel uncomfortable in your own body. Especially with trauma, it's natural for dreams to be a way to process and make sense of your experiences.

While it's okay for families to be physically affectionate, it must come with a certain level of care and respect for others' boundaries, which sounds absent in your family dynamic. It sounds like your family crosses physical and sexual boundaries under the guise of "normal" affection. Normalizing this behavior is what enables the abuse to continue. Please know that your body is yours and you deserve the right to say who can or cannot interact with it.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can best help you process your trauma, the dreams you've been having, and equip you with useful coping tools that you can take with you along your healing journey.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[variousqueerthings]

I like how watching MASH with my mum prompts a dozen comments on breaking the hippocratic oath and medical malpractice, I would be curious where she lands on preventative medicine 

I think this unintentional on the part of the episode, but I wonder how it feels for specifically a doctor to imagine doing that

to take s2 flagg-ep into play, imagining specifically the type of doctor that hawkeye is, who seems to have very quickly cottoned onto it being easy to have the high-ground if you’re not literally in a warzone and so doing what needs to be done for his corner of the world, vs bj who likes to hold onto the trappings of normalcy past when it makes any good sense 

leaving aside anything that the episode/writers wanted to convey, and just poking at the characters, preventative episode is near the end of s7 and so around the time when the “it’s not really about the army being bad, it’s about war-as-concept being bad” stuff took over, and the tone continued to shift into bleaker -- starting s8, but I am curious to see on this watch whether I might not feel like s7 (with peace on us, which also includes army-based antics) starts it, but just creates a last Hurrah of attempts to be ok that on my first watch translated as practically a hopeful atmosphere (lol)

*

it gives enough fuel for me to go, alright, preventative medicine is when hawkeye realises he’s alone in this, and that bj -- despite some earnest attempts here and there -- simply won’t fight on the level that he needs to fight the army + he’s been gradually going up against a higher authority than the army, Death itself (whether or not one wishes to read this as a symptom of mental health issues, I do find resonance in a bipolar hawkeye + a hawkeye who was managing himself and then he up and got sent to a warzone, which is no good for anyone)

(and would Trapper and/or Henry have pulled him aside and gone “buddy, you are not beating Death, death is normal, death is ok, the army sucks, focus on the things you can change, do you wanna take out another appendix? ok, let’s do go that”)

and so essentially this episode as the first in which he really gives up. comparably I don’t think he gives up way back in dr pierce, he “just” has a breakdown -- technically he fights all the way until they sedate him (and not because they’re technically against what he’s doing, but because he Really Needs To Sleep and admirable as shipping toilets is, it’s not what hawkeye himself would think was the best solution were he not several days into insomnia)

and every once in awhile he’ll fight once more (depressing news my beloved), but it’s mostly downhill from there/the goalpost has moved to coping as best as possible -- idk how much it was intended or not, but I feel like “say no more” being so near the end, gives a good and very upsetting blow to hawkeye’s fractured needs, once more zeroing in on who it is that’s causing all the violence. not A War, but an army general, and how he’s let that focus slide in favour of getting through the damn day and pretend-believing (as I hc it) that it’s not a system made up of people that causes all this destruction 

which reframes the ending of preventative medicine as guilt not because it was futile and bad technically for him to do what he did (it wasn’t, fuck you intended framing), but because hawkeye feels a lot of guilt for all the things he can’t do -- he talks a good game about his little corner in that one episode, but like... he literally thinks he’s going up against Death at times, he’s not being entirely rational about this

*

and on bj’s side we’ve got that relentless “I’m looking towards home” narrow focus, in which one can go, ok, well a doctor back home shouldn’t take out someone’s appendix unnecessarily, or indeed, half the shit hawkeye and trapper got up to back in seasons 1-3, which one might with this read assume bj would have not been happy about?” (idk where twice convincing someone they’re very sick lands on the medical malpractice scale, I’ll have to ask my mum)

bj wants to go home unchanged, despite all the mounting impossible-to-ignore-but-he-does-try-putting-on-blinkers-and-going-lalala evidence that that is literally not gonna happen. so it’s less about hawkeye hurting himself, less about ideals, and more about keeping his hands clean and having the high-ground for the sake of his needs 

I enjoy reading bj with all his possible flaws, I think one can say that he both wishes to help hawkeye and is selfishly focused on his own life (after all he has a wife and kid at home, the american dream to return to, unlike some others...) and those clash more and more as the show goes on (I also like resentful bj personally, bj who feels indebted to hawkeye and wants desperately to be there for hawkeye with all his ideals, and dislikes that this is at odds with what he should be doing, which is keeping himself in one mental and physical piece)

he could have done more to stop hawkeye if he really believed that this was wrong and/or it would be wrong for hawkeye. or he could have acceded that hawkeye was making points, but he personally simply couldn’t do it. what he does is stick firmly to the middle path of token resistance and a refusal to carry the burden with hawkeye, and then a somewhat useless holier-than-thou platitude about symptoms and disease that just makes hawkeye feel worse, but then also a hand on his shoulder that hawkeye briefly clings to 

best he can do

*

anyway, I wonder as I continue to watch whether my mum will stick firmly to the ideals she has in a reality in which she hasn’t worked in a warzone, which will put her firmly on bj’s side, or if she’ll poke at things and imagine herself in such a situation (not that I’m trying to torture her, I’m just curious)

there’s something very interesting about doctors vs not-doctors in terms of putting themselves aside from other people in order to do their jobs sometimes, and it’s not necessarily a good thing (it’s a reason I’m scared of doctors outside of my mum and her friends, but those experiences have been firmly not like that, because we all know each other) but it does have a point to it, and the hippocratic oath is one of those things that help you set yourself apart/to a higher ideal, for better or for worse

and hawkeye has a very interestingly loose relationship with it from the get-go, and I think that that’s a much more interesting lens through which to watch preventative medicine than “is he right or is he wrong” -- instead it’s a character drama between his needs and bj’s needs

and on that note my other episode that I’m most curious about my mum’s reaction to is “heal thyself”

humanising doctors, the horror!

[theheroichydrangea]

weirdly feeling better about how depressed and anxious i've been this summer since remembering that in addition to getting covid and then vertigo at the very beginning of the summer and spraining my back now at the end of the summer, i also got into a car wreck at the end of june and also my debit card got stolen and i had to deal with that! plus im unemployed and broke bc i decided to take time off from my phd program (bc my mental health was already in the toilet) so actually having shit mental health is pretty logical and reasonable of me rn! i'm going to cope by dying my hair ginger