#my fucking source? points at myself
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I say this with the deepest sense of hatred imaginable, fuck this article
#‘read more’ no I don’t think I will#hey google why was this a recommended article. wanna tell me why that is. wanna tell me why you thought I’d like this shit#there’s a difference between an opinion piece and literal ableism lmao fuck you man#this especially hits a nerve for me because I was a quote unquote snobby kid who was really just autistic#yeah hate to break it to you but I wasn’t locking myself in my room everyday and destroying things and screaming because I was bored#it was because I had debilitating anxiety and sensory overload that I didn’t understand or know how to deal with#pretty funny how the ‘snobby’ behavior stopped almost the second I got on meds and learned coping skills. huh. interesting#actually fuck this by the way this makes me so angry I can’t even verbalize it#yes there are kids who are just Being Kids. but ever stop to consider that maybe they’re going through something they can’t verbalize#saying that autistic behaviors are bratty is So fucking damaging. ppl will internalize it and turn that stress towards themselves#meltdowns that would’ve otherwise been outward get internalized and start self destructive behavior#my fucking source? points at myself#and using the term ‘functioning’ also pisses me the hell off#yeah I’m ‘high functioning’ until I’m Not and I can’t talk or move#also Nobody is just handing out autism diagnoses left and right to random kids who are defiant sometimes#my brother in Christ I would like to see a source for that. where’s the proof that this is happening other than rising autism rates#fuck you fuck you and most importantly actually just plain fuck you#I’ve been treated like shit by total strangers because I have selective mutism. that shit is traumatic#I wasn’t fucking Misbehaving when an old fuck starting publically yelling at me and berating me because I didn’t say hi back to him#I wasnt being ‘defiant’ when I could barely leave my fucking room for weeks afterwards and had panic attacks every fucking day#why the fuck would anyone let this article be published#tw ableism#so sorry for not being ladylike! it’s not the Victorian era you dipshit! I’m not trying to be rude I am autistic#but apparently autism doesn’t work like that so oh ok I guess I’m just a bad person. thanks for confirming my suspicions
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Getting back on my Zack Is Canonically Polyamorous soapbox because the people need to know and also the number of people accusing Aerith of being unfaithful in Rebirth is absolutely fucking ridiculous when taking Zack's romantic escapades into account.
There are spoilers here, and I'm tagging accordingly, but I'm not putting it under a cut.
We know for a fact that Zack is in a relationship with Aerith. We've known this since the OG, although we didn't know most of the details back then, just that they were together. In Remake, Aerith describes Zack as her "first love." In Chapter 11 of Rebirth, the first memories of Zack that Cloud reclaims are of him talking about how great Aerith is, and Cloud describes him as being "head over heels" for her. In Chapter 8, we found out that Zack's parents were able to recognize her based entirely on Zack gushing about her when he wrote home—and this is one of the most important parts, honestly.
Zack has a thing with Cissnei. We don't know how deep it is, but throughout Crisis Core (and even in the summer event in Ever Crisis) we can see very clearly that there is something between them, and it's never treated like a big deal. She's never completely honest about her feelings, so we can assume he didn't know that she saw him as anything more than a casual thing, but they have a relationship. It's made explicitly clear that this is the case when Zack returns to Gongaga and she lets him know that she's spoken to his parents, and he warns her that they're basically going to suggest that she marry him.
Zack's parents know about his relationship with Aerith and they also apparently know enough about his relationship with Cissnei to suggest that she make that relationship "official." They want her to join the family. They asked, she apparently reciprocated, and she lives in Gongaga after Veld is "killed."
Cissnei is also aware that Zack is in a relationship with Aerith, but that doesn't stop her from pursuing him anyway. She gets it and she's okay with it. She never, at any point, tries to push him away from Aerith—she's the one that tells him how special Aerith is, how important, how lonely. She's supportive of his relationship, and doesn't seem to feel that it makes her own feelings or their relationship any less valid.
Okay, so that's proof that the people around him are, at the very least, okay with him having multiple partners. That doesn't necessarily mean he's poly, though, maybe he's just a womanizer and everyone accepts it. Weird, but possible. He's really endearing so maybe they all give him a pass.
But no! No this isn't it at all! And we know it because of how Zack responds to Aerith being in love with someone else in Rebirth. When he finds out that Aerith is has feelings for Cloud, there's not a hint of jealousy in a single thing he does or says. He's disappointed when Marlene says it's because he wasn't there, but it's not disappointment in Aerith or in Cloud—it's disappointment in himself, because Marlene is right. He wasn't there. He couldn't protect her. There's also no spite there, he never responds like her feelings are wrong because he's here now and that means Aerith can rely on him again, and we know that because of how he responds to this information.
Zack finds out that Aerith has feelings for Cloud, and his immediate mission is to make sure that Cloud recovers as quickly as possible. Now it's not just for him, it's not just because that's his friend, it's because Aerith loves him (too) and that means he has to save Cloud for both of them.
He's fully supportive of Aerith and Cloud having a relationship, to the point that the last thing he says to Cloud when he gets thrown into a dying timeline is a request that he take care of Aerith. He's not exactly passing the torch here, because he's still alive—but he doesn't know if he'll be able to meet back up with a version of Cloud that is awake again, and he needs Cloud to know that he supports them in this.
And then, in the dying timeline where Zack is banished after fighting Sephiroth, he has the ability to synergize with Cloud from across the multiverse. The DMW limit break connected to Aerith is active in the space. All three of them are together here, just not physically; Cloud and Aerith are protecting Zack as much as Zack has been struggling to protect them.
Zack loves that Aerith loves someone other than him because that's how he is too. Zack has multiple relationships at the same time, he loves multiple people at the same time, he has emotionally intimate connections with multiple people at the same time. Why would he take issue with the love of his life feeling the same way?
Cloud isn't his replacement any more than Cissnei and Aerith are interchangeable, and Zack understands that, because Zack is polyamorous—and he's really happy that Aerith may be, too.
#ff7 rebirth spoilers#fandom ramble#ffvii#final fantasy vii#final fantasy 7#final fantasy 7 rebirth#ff7rb#ff7r#crisis core#ccff7r#cissnei#zack fair#aerith gainsborough#cloud strife#not tagging ANY of those ships lol#I don't even really ship any of them myself tbh#except for a throuple involving z and a and cissnei#that's my preferred combination here#but the love is there regardless of my preferences#it's in the source material very clearly#also I do think zack has feelings for cloud#but I can't cite a specific point in-canon to indicate they have a RELATIONSHIP#and it's the CANONICAL RELATIONSHIPS that are the key here#polyamory isn't cheating y'all#nobody here was unfaithful to anyone else#calm the fuck down#100% sure on that
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// hopping in again because 2 am is in the timeframe where i become so hyper on accidentally finding vibes like a nocturnal predator
. https://youtu.be/8Gopg80VXwc?si=j_vS5a5xUWvgiBRC
somehow sounds like t.i
// ASHES ASHES DUST TO DUST THE DEVIL'S AFTER THE BOTH OF US //
#[ ooc ]#i have Never heard of this song until now and now i'm obsessed holy fuck holy shit#“tell me i am good enough” me when i am a random doll who wants to please everyone to the point it's a source of manipulation#from the parasites in my brain#by making me think i'm being useful when i do things for them while also not hesitating to put me down when i fail#( i easily accept these words because i truly believe that everyone else's wellbeing is more important than mine#and do not like being seen as a failure or useless because it makes me do feel worthless#as i lack internal validation for myself#so everything is a personal failure on my part even when it isn't )#i hollow out my being for the people that only serves to take and take and i fully let them do it#it's what is 'good' for me after all - at least that's what they tell me#... yeah here's some psychology
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Every day I wake up, I'm full of inspiration and ambition, I lollygag a bit, I kinda skirt around it, I actively avoid The Thing I WANT to do. Then I just kinda give up and do something else.
#idk what's up w this but like. the more intensely i WANT the more i can't bring myself to do it.#like feh example like you'd think bc it's ALL i'm on about. i'd be deeply IN the source material#and i have felt i've been away doing my own thing for too long i need to revisit it. i Need to#but for some reason it's unbearable. not bad. i just can't bear it. i do NOT know what's up w that#i wanna keep listening to a playlist too (hoping it's still up) but like. i broke away. and i am struggling to return.#AND LIKE. BEYOND FEH. i feel this about video games in general like i have to do something that requires no commitment.#labyrinth of galleria was great for this. for some INEXPLICABLE reason. it is just a COMPLETELY different experience#like. the feelings i feel when playing galleria vs like etrian odyssey where i'm VERY attached to my guys#the most upsetting side effect is i feel like i'm losing alfonse's voice like i feel like i used to be able#to mimic his speech patterns PERFECTLY. but everything just feels off or not cleaned up enough#and again i can't fucking bear it. like i am almost going to fucking cry about it. like what is wrong here.#like WHY can't i get myself to DO. THE THINGS. I LIKE. THAT BRING ME JOY. THE COMMITMENT.#i think i'm also worried like i don't wanna get to the point where like. my blorbos are unrecognizable.#spent too much time in my head and now they're all warped and weird. but like. like. for some reason.#esp if i feel this INTENSE fucking affinity it's like. i get in this weird headspace where can't look directly at it.#i should do ANYTHING else. what is my fucking PROBLEM.#does anybody have a cure. or do i just give up forever.
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tumblr stopped being fun at some point in the last like 3 weeks. i hope it comes back. i feel awful.
#i wish guilt wasnt a factor here#i feel bad about not providing content#idk i just#its 7am here and i havent slept quite yet#im really sad right now#like on the verge of tears but theyre not coming#im saving up to get back on hrt but its so fucking goddamn expensive#my hormones are having a fucking hard time balancing themselves i think#like theres a mountain of problems im faced with right now and theyre too real and i just want to burrow into the recesses of my own mind#and like stay there forever#it sucks when the “i feel broken” thing is manifesting in very real ways#when like your mental health issues are causing real tangible problems n shit#ive been too depressed and lacking in motivation to do anything with my life and its put me in a hole i dont feel capable of crawling from#im just#endlessly frustrated at my inability to function#which gets more potent the longer it goes on and the worse things get#blegh when did this become a vent post no thanks#whatever#people have already unfollowed me in the last 2 weeks of inactivity why should i hold myself back from posting this#i feel like im supposed to turn to drugs at this point lol#like thats the logical progression here#shame thats not a thing im willing to do#unless someone links me to a dubious but entirely safe source of adderall or something#amphetamines save me.....#i need sleep#fuck
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what even is an AI-powered google search . what even is an AI-chat . I’ll kill you
#truly . truly . it boils my blood#like . you type in your query . it answers . when it’s a straightforward question it’s often times correct . cool! where the fuck are you#getting your information from#it is not transparent with its sources . literally anything is better than using ai chat becaue at least you can check the sources#people shit on wikipedia but at least it’s actually fucking peer reviewed and i can verify myself through the many sources they require you#to link . jesus christ#jay rants#throttling every single stupid tech bro and big dumbass tech company thats forced ai down our throats#to the point where it’s actively started impacting my studies . none of our profs can implicitly trust us anymore and instead of receiving#the time we need to write a coherent and well thought out essay at home we have to write one in class in an hour/an hour and a half . lord#if ur gonna fucking plagiarise at least be a moral plagiariser and actually collect the information yourself instead of relying on a self#cannibalising synthesis machine to do it for you#longing for the return to when machine learning was still used as a complementary tool in professions where it was actually useful
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I've been thinking a lot about how Rook's reunion with his former mentor, Zara, is going to go, and since I can't predict what the DM is going to have her do or say, I can only dwell on what I know is going to happen. Which happens to include taking off the illusion ring that's been hiding his injuries from her. So have a snippet of the description I have planned for that moment:
tw for description of (mostly healed) injuries
He hesitates, twisting a ring on his finger. Looking at it more closely, she can tell it’s very finely crafted, and must have been very expensive. A large emerald is set into the band. Rook sighs, and pulls the ring off his finger in one quick motion. Immediately she’s struck by the difference in his appearance as the illusion melts away. He looks awful. His warm, healthy skin fades to a dull and sickly grey. There’s huge bags under his deeply sunken eyes, and his cheeks are hollowed, as though they have been carved out by an overeager sculptor. He looks like he’s recently risen from the grave. While he was thin before, now she can see his ribs under the skin, and his collarbones are exaggeratedly pronounce. Thin white lines left by dozens upon dozens of recently healed cuts are scattered across his body. On top of that, faded bruises cover most of his visible skin, a mottled mosaic of purple and yellow. They’re clearly days, maybe weeks old, and she can only begin to imagine what they must have looked like when fresh. Bandages are barely visible under his shirt, wrapping around his back, hinting at even more injuries.
#morrigan.text#my writing#dnd writing#oc: Rook#oc: Zara#Poor Zara.#she's gonna feel so fucking guilty about everything that's happened to him in the last 3 years even though it's not her fault.#yes she pissed off Wolf but she had no way of knowing Wolf would go after Rook instead of her.#(I don't even know what she did to piss off Wolf. That's the Big Reveal that's going to happen when Rook sees her again.)#but yeah. Seeing him like this and knowing/thinking that it's because of her actions... it's going to destroy her and that kills me.#I don't know what she did but I *do* know that she never intended for Rook to get hurt. She loves him too much for that.#but Rook could never blame her for anything. He'd forgive her just about anything. And that will probably only make her feel worse.#Rook and his mentors will never ever fail to fuck me up big time.#his undying devotion and naive faith in them which is such a stark contrast to his usual distrust of people.#and it gets him hurt every time even though the don't *mean* to hurt him. But Sigmar's case was definitely much more malicious than Zara's.#this reunion is going to be such a huge turning point for Rook's character and his personal development as a character.#well really it's a combination of things all happening at once that are going to be the turning point.#1) the fact that the party rescued him from Wolf which has literally no other explanation than that they love him and care about him.#2) seeing Zara again and finally getting that closure that he never got three years ago plus being to reestablish the most important#relationship in his entire life. Plus she's just a good influence on him all-around a much-needed source of support after Sigmar's betrayal#3) getting gifted the Tide Breaker (Zara's old ship) and having to learn some responsibility for once in his life will be very good for him#and I guess you could also say that 4) my temporary character Val talking some sense into him has something to do with it lmao.#but we'll see how this all plays out bc while I know these things are going to happen they technically haven't happened yet.#I'm not gonna RP the conversation between Rook and Val bc it would just be me talking to myself for a long time but I am gonna write it up#when we get to that point so I can show it to the DM so he knows what they talked about. Plus it will be a very fun exercise bc Val was#literally designed to be Rook's opposite in just about every way. They're very wise and responsible and Rook is a reckless idiot.#(but I love him anyways.)#So it's gonna be fun to balance writing both of them in the same conversation.#anyways. these tags are SO FUCKING LONG already. If you read this far I'm giving you your favorite dessert and a hug if you want it.#and also pledging you my undying allegiance for life. <3
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how is this not like a connecting art card look he's even by the water wheres the matching kyogre :( where is it :(
#they're worsties. come on#wanting more pokemon cards to tack up on my wall once i get my maxie card in the mail hashtag sorry for party rocking#you should NEVER collect pokemon cards for monetary value you should ONLY collect them to be gay#in absence of any kind of real oras archie and maxie merchandise i must scratch the itch with groudon and kyogre themselves.#they didnt even get anything for secret teams cause it was rse archie and maxie in rainbow rocket :sob: sob sob sbo#looking at the rse archie rubber strap hanging off my desk lamp you willl never be him .#<- alittle mean sorry didn't mean it. anyways i found myself thinking a lot more about those big ol weather kaiju this time around#I like how they just exist to fight with one another i like how they just fight and cause death and destruction and hurt when despite being#relatively peaceful and even thought of as heroic or saviors when not in conflict but once they begin to fight they just are so focused#on destroying one another that they bring catastrophe... and once that fight is over they're just sealed away and dormant..#just their essence to fight and never overcome that hatred to the point where they just have to be completely removed from the picture#and well you know what else i like thinking about...........#must it always be like this? sources say.. maybe#(insert supercut of every time archie and maxie have died in various aspects of pokemon media canon) which is so many times btw#they're like the hamsters of this franchise always dying in really fucked up ways#i have to tagyap when i'm too embarrassed to make full posts on their own
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Can I be honest here. Finally accepting that I am an introject both explained so much and has been very healing for me. Like after being in denial for 5+ years finally just going "ok fine yeah maybe I am JD from heathers the musical" was like taking a massive weight off my shoulders. Me when I finally accept myself!!!!!! 🐬🌈✨
#herbert speaks#it also just explained a lot#like “why do i have not real memories of dying in an explosion that are distressing to me” (pointing at myself) YOU ARE JD!!!!#“why do i have such an obsession with 711 and slushies?” YOU ARE JD!!!!!!#i still want to fakeclaim myself real bad but im working on it 💪💪#the source memories became so much less distressing when i finally figured out what my issue is. like “ohhh its just source stuff i see now”#finally accepting myself and learning to live with everything!! 🐬🌈✨🐬🌈✨#kinda funny bcs I Am the Core too. like hey guys im the original person born in this body. im also JD from heathers the musical.#which means i can make jokes abt how if i wasnt a system id be a JD kinnie singlet 💀 terrifying thought tbh i cant imagine not being a sys#like what would i even do as a singlet. i would just be One Guy. what would i even do. i straight up cant even imagine that#cause even before i knew i was a system weird shit kept happening. like blacking out n when i come back my friends call me hawkstar now.#or like blinking and 4 days had passed and i couldnt tell u a single thing that happened in that time#the amnesia was badddd shoutout to system acceptance and knowledge being more available online bcs imagine if i never knew why this happened#imagine if i never figured out what a system was or found ways to communicate with my system or broke down amnesia barriers. .(shudders)#thats like. the evil timeline. where i never figure out wtf is happening to me#UGH I HAVE TO GO TO WORK NOW AND SEE MY SHITTY COWORKER that fucking SUCKS
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Thinking about how transphobes are always like "debate with me! Justify your existence to me! Explain why you're mad! Make this make sense to me!" But you can be as levelheaded and straightforward as possible, you can beat yourself down and make yourself small and nonthreatening or you can be stern and hold your ground. You can post countless sources and news articles. You can give them statistics. Undeniable proof. But they just don't fuckin care. And the second we become mad and aggressive they use it against us. They say they don't take us seriously because we're too sensitive and irrational. But that's a lie. They won't listen to us or take us seriously no matter how we act because they just fucking hate us! There is nothing we can possibly do to be better to these people.
#thinking abt how like. someone i was friends with in highschool posted on Facebook a meme abt trans people getting mad at Hogwarts legacy#and he seemed to believe he was neutral leaning and open minded#but when i pointed out why people were mad and posted articles with sources and very thoroughly explained myself#coincidentally all of my comments with proof to back my argument kept disappearing 🤔 only leaving the comments where i was arguing#and he was all like 'i just dont understand why your mad but youre allowed to feel this way' deleting all my attempts to educate him#getting laugh reacted and his friends coming into the conversation sending me transphobic propoganda and mocking me#and he didnt delete those comments. of course not#and im sure none of those people thought they were transphobic. im sure all of them thought they were allies or whatever the fuck#idk man im like shutting down latley i dont have the energy to debate with people and sit there being patient with them#im sick of talking to brick walls im sick of having to justify my existence#im sick of people treating me notably worse at work when im wearing my nametag#im sick of being scared and frustrated all the time meanwhile im called irrational and reactive for being scared and frustrated#transphobia
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mayhaps i should take a lil break from posting art on this account bcs holy shit is it stressful to continuously churn out content
#fei's talking corner#also 90% of what i've been drawing lately is just oc stuff and i'll keep that to myself as to not ruin them#the other 10% is just no#i think that's a huge problem that i've been carrying with me ever since i was really into bts and i was posting almost every single day#it was so bad at a certain point that the whole month of august i was unable to draw to the fullest due to my wrist hurting so much#and also my enjoyment of the source material goes down the more i force myself to post continuously#i'm actually really glad there's no algorithm here otherwise i'd be so fucked#i'll try to take it easy but i'll see whether this new update grabs me by the balls like 2.1 did or not
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video called "pirate shirt tutorial that actually makes sense" with a thumbnail clickbaitingly copying bernadette banner's style, which does the exact same thing as bernadette banner's video but more confusingly and without a diagram in the video itself, also failing to understand that bernadette banner's channel is primarily a history channel and not a sewing tutorial channel so telling people they don't have to hand-sew the pirate shirt or they don't have to thread-pull is unnecessary because bernadette banner literally said "do this however you want, i just do it this way because it's how i learn about historical dress practices" in her own video. couldn't ask for better youtube entertainment
#source: i'm an idiot and i've made two of bernadette's pirate shirts and they're fantastic#understanding that her diagram is not a pattern but a guideline on how to make your own pattern#is like. not that hard to get. she gave her measurements and then explained how to get your own#to be fair!! everyone learns differently! there are many comments saying that this other video made sense and helped them#which is absolutely fair and good. more knowledge is never a bad thing#it's just the presentation of this other video that i find so funny#'yes i CAN explain how to make a historically accurate men's shirt better than the actual historical dress historian'#[footage not found]#just the way of explaining the shoulder seams...........so much more confusing than bernadette's diagram#also calling the reinforcement patches on the neck/cuff splits??? useless/pointless??????#sorry i want my garments to not fall apart because i can't afford really nice fabric lmao i will be reinforcing those points. thanks tho#also 'no one is talking about neck gussets i couldn't find any info' HUH ???#i just want to know if they looked anywhere besides youtube because there are absolutely people talking abt neck gussets#i should not be such a bitch about this. it's not that big a deal. again in the end: more people sharing knowledge is Good#but my friend!!! come on now!!!!#aster chat#ah fuck lads i want to make another poet shirt because that's exactly what i need going into what i'm sure will be a blazing summer#another long sleeved shirt with three yards of fabric to smother myself in#that do Not go with any of my work appropriate trousers
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if i disappear after saying that ive been assassinated no jokes aside if i take that down its not bc i disagree with it, you can still pin it on me as a belief that i think that shit should be said and ill put my whole ass behind it, but saying shit like that has consequences lmfao. also theres a time and a place to bring that up
#ive already. dealt. with enough fucking propagandising royal family members on my fucking ASS this lifetime to last. the rest of#this universe's incarnation. sometimes its better to not get involved which i KNOW is a big part of why the propaganda is rampant#among people who work with ''demons'' but like. no. no race is more superior than other races. hot take i know sorry#ramblings //#honestly tho. im so sick of dealing with the topics of ascending and (''demon'') racial supremacy and fighting jxdaism under the guise#of ''we hate chrxstians tho and thats good!'' bc ''(JEWISH NAME FOR GOD????) is a horrible person he wiped out half his angels!!!!''#listen i do not care how uncomfortable you are w your species' and peoples' histories you are. leave innocent fucking people and their#concept of the Creator that you dont even understand alone. whats the point in pride in your people if youre only proud of how#your people are Better than another set of people. like. bruh. are you proud of being a (demon) or are you so insecure your only source of#literally describing said propagandising family members lord almighty im gonna stop myself there.#WOW. I DSFJKHDFH. IVE NEVERRRRR SUDDENLY GOTTEN THE URGE TO TALK SHIT ABOUT WAR /AND/ SPILL THINGS PEOPLE#WANT SECRET /AND/ TALK SHIT ABOUT TWISTING KNOWLEDGE TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK GOOD /AND/ HAD IT DEVOLVE INTO#''even tho im (practically) hindu jxdaism is too fucking important to my family for me to not have OPINIONS about shit'' BEFORE HMM#WEIRD WEIRD unincarnated selves just fucking going AT it. i mean. spilling opinions. cant say they havent gone at it in other#ways too wow no wonder Ardhanarishvara (God as half man half woman) and Shiva and Shakti are super important to me -#NO WONDER THIS CAME AFTER TALKING ABOUT CONSCIOUSNESS AND MIND WHO I SEE AS SHIVA AND SHAKTI#anyway the first post had nothing to do w jxdaism and this topic itself has nothing to do w it i just finally had it click why Certain Peop#calling the things the kings they worship did atrocities of (name) was bothering me SO much. i mean i knew why the rest of it was bothering#me - i mean the NAME bit clicked
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i get normal amounts of heated about badly written multiple choice questions
#question was ‘kids today consume how much soda compared to milk?’#that one semester when i had two classes using inquizitive gave me too much power bc it allowed me to appeal ‘wrong’ answers if i could#explain why. and now whenever i get mad i write a rebuttal even if it’s for a single point JUST bc i expect better from my professors#earlier this summer semster this same prof had a question about ‘which institution codified race in the us’#and the option were ‘academia religion or the government’ and . fucjin cmon. that is NOT. A MCQ. THATS A WHOLE ESSAY#ITS ALL OF THEM IN VARYING CAPACITIES#but i put academia bc i’m an anthropologist and im painfully aware of the impact my field has had what with phrenology and race science and#the truly horrific shit we did to people. and i got it wrong#i held myself back from ranting then but i am allowing myself this frustrated response bc this assignment is specifically a#‘search the internet for sources!’ one. so girlie your sources are outdated as fuck i am GOING to provide you with updated links
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so much of my blogging whenever I have classes is complaining about them but erm. in my defense they're stressful and overwhelming
#So ermm to vent a little bit#i dont know how to do anything on my own so the expectance for me to be able to for these classes is a lot#Like for this thing i need to write an essay outline based on an introduction paragraph only. which i think? means i have to find sources#for the details on my own. which i dont know how to do#i do know /technically/ but i dont know whats good information and trustworthy sources and also there's so much stuff to sort through#i was never taught how to do it and now when i try its just. confusing and frustrating and exhausting and makes me too upset to even keep#trying to work#and im not even sure what all of these points in the outline means because where it probably wouldve been explained was the lecture which#was canceled and the powerpoint for this week doesnt cover it#and there's the textbook but textbooks are nothing to me i cant process and retain information from them#which hey sucks for my online classes that are wholey based around teaching yourself from the textbooks#(but i cant do in person classes due to transportation reasons + mental health reasons)#but augh#im such a guy who cant do anything by myself and getting the amount of help i need isnt an option idek how to ask for any amount of help#like yeah email my professors but tell them what? i dont know how to do the class i signed up for?#that i dont know how to do basics 101 school shit? like im confused about some of the work and by some i pretty much mean all#and eaugh its not a frustration i can push through because trying to push through it just makes it worse it tips past#''oh idk how to do this. fuck''#into ''oh god i dont know anything about how to function im literally worthless''#which. i think i said earlier? makes it so i cant. work on anything anymore.#but also its not an option for me not to work bc i cant fail bc ill be expelled or whatever and charged money and what then#joyousposting#negative //#anyway sorry for getting suicide ideation over school back to regularly scheduled blorboposting or whatever
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my heart feels sooooo cold with anxiety and ofc it's because of work aGAIN,
#nothing gets me this bad like uh. instability from something that's supposed to be a source of stability ahha#i know the worst case scenario is like completely manageable from a practical standpoint#but my brain and body really truly can't compute that and i'm kinda forced to go into anxiety attack mode and hurt myself#like i'll give it to em a stressor is a stressor but at some point the call is coming from Inside The House and in these situations#my anxiety has been making any issues So Much More Worse than they actually are instead of just like. going with the flow?? being ok??#like practically realistically speaking it's not That big of a deal and it will be ok No Matter What truly but FUCK my brain and body!#they are! not! Listening! i want to Sue Me !!!#HOW do people deal with this overcatastrophization. idek man :/
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