#my brain. im getting in trouble with myself. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

staloysius · 21 days ago

Text

God cursed me by making me an extroverted touch seeking romantic but scrupulous to hell so I inhibit myself from initating anything in fear of getting "in trouble"

#my brain is so fucking irrational #i think of holding hands with someone and my brain goes NOW EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE A MANWH*RE!#like christ i havent even kissed anyone yet because of this i feel so broken #LOGICALLY. WHO AM I GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE WITH.#my brain. im getting in trouble with myself.#i have SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE. i am filled with so many positive thoughts about people i love people but my brain is a 16th century monk

4 notes · View notes

skunkes · 1 year ago

Text

ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page

#delete later #deleting soon bc eyes on me #for those of you who kept asking about Something last year LOLLL #sorry this is too entry level vent comic ykwim i jst needed to get it out #im over it in the sense that like ok yeah whatever #but not in the sense that i came out worse than before. i was already Small. ive been further Smallened #i was a rebound and lied to and discarded...which thank god i was Set Free but wow!#all my personal fears reinforced. it is embarrassing for me to want and need...i get it neow. i was a stepping stone i am an npc #idk that i could do it again! im not sure its worth trying i am too much of a...project.#as i was told from day 1 but still ran directly into it #and i was too much of a coward to leave myself. if it happened again i wouldnt be able to leave then either.#im happy that i dont think it could get much worse than all that for my first experience but it was also exhausting #and weirdly at the same time i dont think i cld ever expect better #its almost been a year since its been Done and the words and treatment linger <3 #this is also why i had to enlist talon as imaginary bf number 2 LOL need extra reinforcement and love #cringe as fuck but it rly will never be as good as whats in my brain...i know that neow. i will spare everyone the trouble #and remove myself from the dating pool (<- implying he was ever even in it)#i dont even hold any ill will toward em bc they were right...its just hurts ykwim

54 notes · View notes

iamunabletothinkofablogname · 8 months ago

Text

god fucking damn it

#i hate feelings #so fucking much #anger especially #what am i angry at?#no fucking idea #go ask the guy who runs the body #i certainly dont deserve to know #but you know what i do deserve #to feel it #i dig myself into holes and then expect to get out no trouble #its always worked #my brain is too fucking loud #pipe down bitch #tw vent #i wish i could explain this #sounds narcissistic but #i would be such a fucking good person if nothing happened #but now i have to deal with shit that was never my fault #kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys #and one of the most annoying parts #is that i could have stopped half of it #but instead #i decided to listen and say nothing #i should've been suspicious when i was told every fucking day #'dont tell anyone/they'll take you away from us/they don't know anything/they're trying to trick you into taking you away'#if you never did anything wrong why do you want to hide it?#but of course hate has to be met with contradictory feelings #i cant physically hate anyone without also feeling pity/love/whatever the fuck you call it #why does it feel like im pretending to be a good person #honestly im growing up into the people i hate the most

9 notes · View notes

cetoddle · 13 days ago

Text

i think a lot of people irl think i might be a lesbian just because i am so picky about men. cause most of the time im like eh he’s okay. oh he’s not my type. no i dont think that guy is hot. so they just assume i dont like men at all. which is. fair

#like if you asked me if i think a girl is pretty it doesn’t matter who it is or what they look like im going to say yes because women omg #women..wow #but if you asked me i think a boy is cute there is a 80/20 chance i say no. and a 50/50 i say #actually i think he’s really ugly #..i feel like i need to add a disclaimer even tho i know no one cares #but im not trying to imply that like. how ‘attractive’ someone dictates their value as a person #like if i call someone ugly it isn’t necessarily an insult in my mind i just don’t think they’re attractive #but someone else probably does! and that’s great! i don’t!#sometimes i get myself in trouble talking like that…i don’t *mean* it as an insult it’s just a fact in my brain #like. the fact is i think this person is ugly. maybe they’re a wonderful person! great! other people probably fine them cute! but i don’t.#and that’s just objectively true information. i forget not everyone’s on the same train of thought as i am :’)#anyways. idk what point im trying to make.#oh. i also have my guard up around men a lot more than i do around women #i don’t go out of my way to be rude but i’m more likely to get myself out of talking g to a man #than i am to a woman. not that anyone does talk to me #but if a girl compliments me im like wow! i feel so special and wonderful uwu #if a boy compliments me im like….the fuck do you want from me #ppl see this and are like wow she must just not like boys #idk #snow.txt

5 notes · View notes

rosesradio · 5 months ago

Text

i think my university fucking bit me wtf

#it started last semester or maybe even last year but they infected me with an anxiety that completely rewired my brain #i have general anxiety disorder & i’ve had the occasional ‘something bad is gonna happen’ day where im anxious the whole day for no reason #but then it changed to this like. academic anxiety that got so bad i was like. nauseous all the time throwing up i had to go to a counselor #and now i’m straight up paranoid. like idk maybe i’m not using the word right but i’m convinced every day all my worst fears are gonna—#just happen one after the other. my tumblr will be revealed to my family. my toxic ex will come back into my life—#my money for school is revoked things like that.#because adult life is just so confusing and convoluted and works against people #and my anxiety just goes through this loop of ‘everyone dislikes you/hates you/thinks you’re annoying’ so -> ‘you’re gonna get in trouble’#so -> ‘your life will be irreparably damaged and/or you will die’#the ‘you’re gonna get in trouble’ bit especially gets me because it’s like bitch how!! i follow laws!! i cheat a bit less than the average—#student! any time someone has a concern with like my work performance or something they politely tell me #why do i have the anxiety of a fucking hunted animal over these things!!#i wanna be numb actually i miss that time. it still sucks but at least i don’t make myself sick #things would be so much easier if i was a house spouse who cooked & cleaned (with no kids) & didn’t have a job or go to school #ofc managing a house has its own challenges and i don’t wanna undermine that but ykwim #i want this fuckin eye of sauron off my ass already 🧍#and don’t even get me started on the ‘you have to do this little task in this specific way or else everyone you love will die’ thoughts #that’s a whole other mess #tw vent #rose.txt

5 notes · View notes

bitchfitch · 1 year ago

Text

anyways as soon as I get my meds fixed it's so over for yall. Imagine my power once my brain starts being able to fucking produce dopamine again.

I'm going to be so annoying. Might even get into kale and yoga and idk. other things the live laugh love girlies are into. they seem like they're having fun.

catch me being able to leave my house for more than 2 nights at a time. Ill be able to ask my friend to cat sit for me and Everything.

#combination no dopamine disease and insensitivity to dopamine disease this shit sucks #but it means i know what the special vitamin that will fix my shit is.#Imagine the bullshit ill be able to get up too when i dont spend multiple hours a day disassociated and have to dedicate #wvery other thought to reality checking my brain goblins #My shrink had trouble believing that its not an issue of needing another perspective. i am Fully 100% aware of how wrong my thoughts are #that doesn't make it stop.#I know im a neurotic mess and i know how to keep my neurosis in a choke hold id just like to spend less energy on it #and maybe be able to do the dishes and imagine myself still alive in a year

17 notes · View notes

nemotakeit · 6 months ago

Text

i remember the first time ever i listened to SO i was like pfft rap? get out. (i was cringe) and then when i gave it a listen again a few months later i was a changed person... so i binge listened to their entire discography immediately and was genuinely shocked because how could ALL of their songs be bangers, like i couldn't believe it was possible it was surreal........ i wish i could turn back time (lol) to experience that pure shock again

#and the funny thing is i was in denial abt liking them for some time #i couldnt afford a new hyperfixation in that specific year #and i remember thinking to myself 'lol their music might be good but they're probably ugly its okay i wont like them'#(I WAS A TEENAGER SORRY FOR MY MENTALITY)#so i searched them up on pinterest and guess what i saw. the blurryface photoshoot #i kind of glitched and realized i was fucked #but i still tried to deny it and avoided looking at their pictures for days #but i eventually gave in and looked up videos and interviews and random facts about them #i was like SO stressed out abt this like i would get in trouble if someone found out i like them ahjdkdl #mind u in my country hardly anyone knows who they are #i made peace tho and then i fully embraced becoming a clikkie #technically im a hiatus clikkie #and one of the biggest concerns in my life then was the question of 'ARE THEY RETIRING WHY ARE THEY GONE'#idk looking back its so funny #this was in 2017 #OH and one more thing #i was born and raised a christian and still was at that point (now i am not)#and all my life my mom would heavily censor stuff that would come across as 'devilish' or even mildly offensive to the christian religion #yknow even harry potter #so i had this irrational fear/anxiety abt stuff like that wired in my brain as well #so when i saw the hds live vid on youtube (the official one with a ton of views)#i got sincerely worried they might be some kind of devil worshippers or something 💀#them having a song called heathens did NOT help #off i went to google their religion and... the relief i felt when i found out they were christian lol #btw my mom did freak out over heathens when she found out 💀💀#i wont go into detail but she did give me trauma when she learned about the dema storyline too............#i still dont play lore videos when she's in the room 🥲🥲 thats why im lowkey jealous of clikkies with clikkie parents #okay story times over lol #tøp #nemotakeit

3 notes · View notes

dandyshucks · 7 months ago

Text

me feeling bad about being unaligned with binary gender and then i think about how Guz would just Get It right off the bat because honestly idk how it's such a hard concept for ppl to grasp 😭 and it makes me feel a little better fdsfjkl

#i feel bad sometimes like oohh ur such a special snowflake for not being feminine OR masculine oooh u wanna be special so bad #no you Made-Up-Person-in-my-Brain. no i dont want to be special actually fdsjkl #i really wish this was just normal. i so badly want to just be normal #honestly i start thinking ''maybe i should just be okay with being considered feminine or masculine. i should just pick one i guess''#but no !! neither fit right !! both make me uncomfortable !!#i do understand the concepts of both but i exist outside of them somehow! and idk why thats so difficult for ppl to grasp!#it is just a little lonely seeing posts talking about ''feminine ppl or masculine ppl'' like. okay i dont fit either of those. damn.#and it feels alienating bc i guess ppl dont know unaligned folk exist! transneutral is such a rare label to see talked about!#''this is nonbinary inclusive bc im saying masculine and feminine :)'' WHAT IS SO HARD TO GRASP ABOUT NON-BINARY. ITS RIGHT IN THE NAME!#why are u re-inventing the gender binary !!!!!! u just changed the words ur using for binary gender WHAT 😭😭😭#i think maybe i resent that i have to force myself into one category or the other for other ppls comfort tbh fdsjkl like. can i just exist.#but i do think Guz would genuinely just understand it immediately. not just because i Want him to LOL.#he'd be like ''ohhh theres a word for that? hell yeah that rules. i'll have to see if a few of the grunts heard about this shit yet''#bc im sure there'd be a wide range of queer kids on the team LOL #if u get a bunch of misfits together ur going to have like... a LOT of queer ppl in the group FDSJFKL #dandy.cmd #vent //#💜so good at being in trouble

6 notes · View notes

opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year ago

Text

...

#yet again i fail to convince my counselor i have executive function problems. mostly its bc i dont think well in the moment but also i just #feel kinda weird rn so i was having trouble making my thoughts connect. but i swear to christ i do have problems making my executives #function. i think the issue is im a grad student so i do well in school. not that it matters bc i kno loads of grad students with pretty #god awful adhd. one of my former lab mates was like. Adderall barely made her normal. and yet she was still a phd student #so like. its possible to have executive function issues as a grad student. the problem with me is the obsessive thoughts and self #destructive behavior so to her it sounds like im telling myself that i cant get my brain to work unless i put myself under extreme pressure #rather than i cant get my brain to work so to cope im putting myself under extreme pressure bc if i dont nothing gets done #but like fucking if i try to relax i dont do things. i cant clean my kitchen or my room or take out the trash or do my laundry #and im not like not doing it bc i dont wanna. these things r causing me active distress but i cant flip the switch that makes them happen #ive gotta write a grant proposal. read a paper. and find a paper to discuss by tomorrow morning. i had time to do all of this before but i #didnt do it. y didnt i do it? fucking i dont kno. ugh. whatever. i got refered to a psychiatrist so well see what happens there #i did accidentally set the meeting to when i meet with my advisor tho. oops. also my counselor said it sounds like im a rat running on a #wheel. which is accurate but also a really fucking funny thing to have said abt u. ur r a scrawny neglected lil rat. boohoo.#idk what type of medication she thinks i should b on. like what symptom r we trying to exhaust? the 0cd or the mood issues?#i dont even kno what the issue is. not that i guess it matters. idk. i need to read and write. fucking hell #unrelated

7 notes · View notes

todayisafridaynight · 1 year ago

Text

i was playing about dropping Fifty Drawings onto everyone's dashboard this week but the unfortunate reality is i am in fact being assaulted with images

#snap chats #this is what happens when i go on three hour walks i guess #might abandon some but i will spitball the ones on the forefront of my brain..#more for my sake so i dont fuckin forget cause I Am Starting To Forget Already dont read if. you dont want spoilers ???#not y7 spoilers. or i mean i GUESS there'll be y7 spoilers but i mean for my psts. i guess. only i care about that ANYWAY #i wanna draw a comic of aoki getting SOME kind of butterfly memorabilia or something with him and butterflies #i Was having a chortle with myself about Like A Butterfly but i was also like... Yk Butterflies Still Are About Rebirth #lame as hell ik but shut up anyway next one i wanted to do was Troubled Teen Jo getting in a scrap with arakawa #idk if i want this to be AFTER arakawa's become a father or not.. im still chewing on exactly what i want the direction of it to be..#i have an IDEAAAA just.. nothing concrete yet..#and then the one i wanted to see if i could do tonight was Beach Day With The Arakawas :) Cause IDK <:)#i really dont know.. for some reason i just got visions of them three at the beach.. maybe its cause of tonbi idk...#though the more i thought about that idea the longer it got and the more i was like 'maybe i can turn this into a fic instead'#a terrible sentence cause generally i never get anything done when i say that but it'd fr be too long to make a comic of #so at least for now maybe ill make a short fic.. just tryna figure if i want a jo or arakawa pov #i always think of jo's pov so i wanna challenge myself with arakawa. i always focus on jo and his pov of 'becoming a father'#but sometimes i also really wanna explore arakawa's pov on jo becoming another parental figure for masato. or smthn like that idk #ANYWAY LET ME COOK. im not a good chef but i can at least cook an egg lemme see what i got...#bye bye for now ill be in the kitchen (google docs) if anyone needs me..

9 notes · View notes

mercuryislove · 10 months ago

Text

god I've been so anxious lately to the point where I'm making myself sick

#im convinced something terrible is about to happen. like ive been in full fight or flight mode for like a week now.#so much trouble sleeping. terrible dreams when i do. brain cant focus. irritable. weird appetite. upset stomach. headaches.#WHAT does my body know that my mind doesnt lol #oh and dont get me started on the dissociation. like i feel like i am my own puppet. im controlling an avatar of myself #this isnt me this is my placeholder. i watch myself do these things but im not really the one doing them

4 notes · View notes

asterdeer · 1 year ago

Text

told the therapist about how shitty it makes me feel being inundated with this new approach to mental illness being "at some point if you're still depressed it's because you're not trying to be not-depressed hard enough, you have to go talk a walk and do hobbies and talk to people or else you're making other people uncomfortable" and she basically said "yeah that works for some people. but also you don't have mild depression so that's not going to work for you in isolation. you're severely depressed you dumb bitch [affectionate]." and my kneejerk reaction was huh? no i'm not. i'm just a weak cowardly piece of shit looking for excuses to be miserable. which is probably exactly what a severely depressed person would say

#every two weeks i drag myself into the office and go 'im tired of being pathetic and hating myself'#and she goes 'your brain is trying to kill you. you're doing your best.'#and then i get through 4-6 business days before the reminder wears off and i need talking off the ledge again #but ive got a new med and im going to try to start getting better sleep #every time she says i deserve care and compassion i'm like. pfffft. okay sure lmao. so you're a fantasy writer too huh #anyway if you're having trouble with your mental health and feeling like it's your fault #because you haven't like. Romanticized something today or whatever #you're doing your best. i don't believe it always gets better because i have eyes and reading comprehension #but on my best days i do think surviving in spite of brain demons trying to push you off the ledge is more satisfying than giving in to the #brain demons are stupid assholes and we can't let them win #mythtakes

2 notes · View notes

skunkes · 1 year ago

Text