#my brain hates it but i am ignoring it
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Kulbok sat in his hut, rubbing his still-aching head. It had been almost two days since the Toa Inika had freed him and his fellow Matoran from the effects of the Piraka's Zamor Spheres, and though he felt mostly recovered, his head still sometimes pounded with fleeting traces of strange, dark thoughts. He recalled little from his time enslaved, only a ringing blankness, broken occasionally by flashes of a universe in ruin, dark ocean depths, and a pair of lidless, red eyes hanging in the night sky.
A knock at the doorway drew the Bo-Matoran from his reverie, and he looked up to see a white mask peeking through the entrance.
"Widget for your thoughts," said Kvoleni, hovering on the threshold. Normally she wouldn't bother waiting for an invitation to make herself at home, but recent events had left all the Matoran of Voya Nui uncertain. Kulbok motioned for her to come in, and the Vo-Matoran joined him on his cot. They sat there saying nothing for a long moment.
"How are you feeling?" Kvoleni tried again. This time, Kulbok sighed.
"My head's still kinda funny, but I'm managing," he finally answered. "You?"
"Better," she said. "Not great, but better."
"Yeah. I think that's pretty much everyone right now." The way he said it, it was clear Kulbok had intended the words to be light, but the strain in his voice, and the truth of the statement, undermined his attempt at levity. Still, Kvoleni graced him with a chuckle.
"We've certainly been worse!" she said.
The two Matoran allowed silence to settle over them again. Even on happier days, their conversations often had a similar rhythm. One would speak, then the other, then a pause. To laugh, or think over each other's words, or simply to allow the quiet its turn. It had been a habit of theirs for several hundred years now.
Eventually, Kvoleni spoke again. "I heard some of the others say the Toa have returned from underground. They were headed to the bay, from what I can tell."
Kulbok's head shot up. "The bay? What would they want there?" He hesitated a moment. "You don't think...?"
Kvoleni shook her head. "No. They were chasing something, I think."
"Right. Of course," Kulbok said. "They're Toa. They surely have more important things to do than..."
"Chase ghosts?"
"Yeah."
The two Matoran were silent again.
"I mean," Kvoleni started, "we could try asking them to look. I heard--"
"No," Kulbok cut her off. "We shouldn't bother them. Besides, what would there even be to find?"
Kvoleni started to say something in response, but seemed to think better of it, and said nothing.
The sound of a commotion outside suddenly drew the Matoran's attention. They glanced at each other before hurrying out into the village square. A small crowd had gathered there, whispering and murmuring amongst themselves as they watched a huge being, clad in thick red-and-silver armour, tread slowly towards them.
That must be Axonn, Kulbok thought. He had heard Balta, one of the only Matoran to have evaded the Piraka's clutches, mention the armoured titan. Supposedly, he was an ally, but the grim look in his eyes brought Kulbok no comfort as Axonn entered the village.
The tall figure stood before the Matoran, towering above them. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, a strangled shout rang out from the back of the crowd.
Kulbok jumped back in surprise at Kvoleni's cry. She darted forward, pushing through the crowd towards Axonn with a desperate urgency. Kulbok followed, confused. What had possessed her to run straight for this powerful-looking stranger? As Kulbok approached, he was able to see the armoured warrior more clearly, and noticed that he appeared to be carrying something, cradled in one of his massive arms.
Breaking through the crowd, the Bo-Matoran saw Axonn kneel to meet Kvoleni as she reached him. He held out his burden to her, and finally Kulbok saw
* * *
The Ta-Matoran's name was Ranta.
Long ago, an injury had resulted in him being sent to the realm of Karzahni for repairs, where, like many others before and after him, the ruler of that land attempted to rebuild him into a stronger form, and failed. Though his injury was healed, Ranta's new body was smaller and weaker than his original form, hunched and misshapen. Disgusted with his work, and unable to bear being reminded of his failure, Karzahni had given Ranta and his fellow "repaired" Matoran weapons to defend themselves, and shipped them away, far from his isolated kingdom. Eventually, they had settled in the center of the Southern Continent, in a barren region around the volcano known as Mount Valmai. The Matoran called the region "Voya Nui," meaning "Great Voyage," after the long journey it had taken them to reach this place where they could live in relative peace.
It was there that Ranta had become close with two of his companions, the Bo-Matoran Kulbok, and the Vo-Matoran Kvoleni. Ranta was a quiet sort, but unflinchingly courageous, and his subtle brand of intensity had balanced out Kvoleni's more impetuous energy, while also letting the more reserved Kulbok feel comfortable enough to come out of his shell. Though the three of them were all originally from different lands, they quickly became all but inseparable. They lived, worked, and laughed together, and comforted each other when memories of their old homes and lives overwhelmed them. Even when the Great Cataclysm had struck, sending Voya Nui crashing upwards, killing dozens and leaving the new island adrift in the endless ocean above, the three Matoran stuck together.
But then came the city of Mahri Nui. Runoff from Mount Valmai had cooled into rock, resulting in the formation of a new landmass protruding out into Voya Nui Bay. The Matoran saw the new land as an opportunity to expand their settlement, and constructed many new dwellings there, where they lived for many years. All was well, but Ranta was uneasy. He was not a volcanologist by trade, but he had taken an amateur interest in the volcano, and over time became familiar with its workings and the makeup of its lava. Though he, Kulbok, and Kvoleni had remained in the Matoran Village on Voya Nui, in no small part due to Ranta's urging, the Ta-Matoran came to spend much of his time in and around Mahri Nui. He was convinced the cooled lava was unstable and unsafe, and regularly scoured the area for signs of faults or fractures. Most ignored or laughed at his concerns, and indeed for 700 years, Mahri Nui prospered.
It was on one of these scouting trips, that he was finally proven right.
The deafening sound of cracking stone echoed all across the island. The first split was small, but more quickly followed. Gaping crevices and yawning chasms spanned the length of the bay. Ranta ran screaming through the city streets, calling out for everyone to evacuate before the entire city was lost to the sea. Indeed, some heard his warnings in time, and safely made it back to the shores of Voya Nui, but most, including Ranta himself, did not. The rock heaved and broke, and Mahri Nui sank beneath the waves, down, down, to depths unimaginable, far below where any light could reach.
Since that day, the Matoran of Voya Nui would gather twice a year to throw offerings into the bay, in memory of their lost friends. For some, this brought comfort, though others, like Kulbok, never truly found closure. They knew there was no hope that Mahri Nui had survived its descent, but the loss of hundreds of lives in only a matter of minutes was too much to accept. It felt unreal, like a dream from which they'd never quite managed to awaken.
For the Matoran of Mahri Nui, the gifts from above were also like something out of a dream.
Against all odds, the city had survived, landing on an underwater cliff and disturbing a field of Airweed, which released massive air bubbles that surrounded the settlement, saving the inhabitants from drowning. The shock of the catastrophe damaged the Matoran's fragile memory, and while many had vague recollections of where they had originally come from, none could recall their lives on Voya Nui, or how they came to reside in the Black Water.
Ranta was bothered by this gap in his memory more than most. All the Matoran of Mahri Nui knew they were missing something, but Ranta felt compelled to seek it out, that there was something he had to return to, but he could not remember what. He lived a mostly innocuous life in the underwater city, never joining the Mahri Nui Council and preferring the less public work of a sentry. He made a few friends, but none of them seemed to share his drive, and he often spent his free time exploring the caves at the base of the Cord on his own.
The Cord was Mahri Nui's only link to the surface world, a narrow, hollow tube made of cooled lava from Mount Valmai that connected the sunken city to Voya Nui, though neither Matoran population knew this. The Matoran of Voya Nui were not aware of its existence at all, and the Matoran of Mahri Nui could not see how far up it went, and did not dare leave the safety of their air bubbles long enough to find out. If the threat of drowning when their personal air bubbles ran out was not enough to deter most, the Black Water was infested with deadly sea creatures, bizarre, twisted Rahi and other beasts the Matoran did not recognize.
Ranta, however, was not so easily cowed. He did not enter the Cord itself; enough Matoran more foolhardy than he had tried, and none had returned; but he did swim alongside it, up and up, further with each trip. But he always turned back. He knew that past a certain point, he would not have enough air to make it back to Mahri Nui, and he still had no idea how far away the surface may be. So he would turn back, and tell his friends that maybe he'd make it to the surface next time. They teased him each time he did, feigning disappointment at his failed "surface runs," but in truth, they thanked the Great Spirit each time he returned.
He was missed the day he did not.
As the waters around Mahri Nui grew more dangerous with each passing year, with unseen threats pressing in from all sides, Ranta risked fewer and fewer trips along the Cord. He spent more time on guard duty, keeping watch on the city borders for whatever monsters may slink out of the darkness. But he still felt the pull, the compulsion to seek out what he was missing, and one day, he made his final trip.
As always, he pushed a little farther than he had before, but this time, before he turned back, he caught sight of a glinting object falling through the water, illuminating the gloom around it. He watched it for a moment, entranced, before he noticed a tall figure swimming down after it. For a moment, Ranta was elated. He had seen a Toa before, many many years ago, and recognized the figure as one immediately. Perhaps with her help, his city could be saved. And, if she was here, than he must be near the surface, closer than he had dared hope. But his hope quickly vanished as the Toa began to thrash.
Her name was Toa Inika Hahli, and she was drowning.
Just as he had 300 years before, Ranta spared no thought for his own safety, and charged forward. He grabbed the Toa around the waist and kicked upward with all his might, fighting his way up towards the steadily growing light, until at last he broke the surface, and felt the light of the setting sun on his armour for the first time in centuries. And for the last time.
Had he run out of air lower down, Ranta would not have perished as he had always thought he would. The mutagenic effects of the Black Water would have transformed him into a water-breather, and he would have become a creature of the sea, able to swim wherever he wished. But the Matoran had forgotten how the water had begun to change them when Mahri Nui first sank, how it had undone the work of Karzahni and restored them to stronger, fitter forms, and Ranta's air ran out well above the level the mutagen reached. The seawater that filled his lungs would do nothing to save him. And while the body of the Toa of Water he carried was more durable, and naturally more suited to rapid changes in pressure, his was not. Combined with exhaustion from carrying the weight of a being nearly twice his size, and Ranta never stood a chance. He collapsed on the beach, barely managing to beg the other Toa who received him there to help his city before his heartlight faded to black, and he was gone.
The mighty warrior Axonn, agent of the Order of Mata Nui, carried Ranta's body back to the Matoran Village after sending the Toa Inika on their way down the Cord to Mahri Nui. No sooner had he set foot in the village square than Kvoleni and Kulbok were at their friend's side. His armour and body were different, but they recognized him immediately, and wept at the impossibility. Ranta had come home to them, and they would never see him again.
* * *
Grief, the being noted as he watched the memorial service. Burial and associated ceremonies had never been programmed into the Matoran, but those who dwelt on Voya Nui had developed them independently after the crash once it became clear the bodies of the deceased would no longer simply disappear as they had before. The being made a point of observing them whenever they occurred. He found the ways in which the Matoran behaved after the loss of another whom they "cared" about to be fascinating. Such an accurate facsimile of mourning.
As the crowd dispersed, the being turned his gaze to the two specimens who had led the rite. A Bo-Matoran, designation Kulbok, and a Vo-Matoran, designation Kvoleni. They stood huddled close together before the grave of the deceased, a Ta-Matoran, designation Ranta. Exactly how the Ta-Matoran had survived for this long after the sinking of Mahri Nui, and how he had attained his stronger form were mysteries to the being, though he suspected they would not remain so for long.
The two Matoran stood together for a long time before they finally turned to leave and saw the being watching them.
"Velika, right?" the Vo-Matoran asked with surprise. "We're sorry, we didn't notice you there. Did...did you know him too?"
The being cocked his head. The two were clearly uncomfortable with his presence; the Vo-Matoran's motions and words were hesitant, and the expression the Bo-Matoran wore was a marvellous reproduction of anger. Perhaps they saw him as intruding on a private moment.
So he turned and left. He would allow them their privacy. There would be time enough to study them later, and there was still much else to do.
#tsdwrites#bionicle#bonkle#i wrote something!#only fanfic but it counts!#my brain hates it but i am ignoring it#it's here and i did it#that's what counts#also yeah this is all angst lmao#lots of trauma#sorry 'bout that#anyway#had fun playing with different perspectives here#i imagine in an audio setting all three parts would be read by different people#enjoy!
34 notes
·
View notes
Text
What's so fun about BruJay as a ship is Jason's sheer obsessive devotion to Bruce. Jason is possessive over Bruce, to the point he doesn't care about the deaths of others so long as he has Bruce's attention. A part of the UTRH arc this isn't talked about enough is that Bludhaven fucking explodes mid-way and Jason won't let Bruce see if Dick is alive.
batman (1940) #650
A lot of discussion about UTRH paints Jason as this anger-driven cold, calculating machine up against Bruce when it's so clear that his love for Bruce is what drives him at his root, even if he won't acknowledge it. He says it himself, he would've done anything if it was Bruce who'd died instead of him and his anger is rooted in that possessive devotion not being reciprocated.
batman (194) #650
BruJay as a ship always to be, to some level, unrequited. Even if Bruce loves Jason back in that way, he'll never be that obsessed with Jason. Jason will always view Bruce's love for Dick or Tim to be a distraction, proof that Bruce isn't dedicated enough to him. Jason has the need to always have Bruce's attention, even when it could come at the cost of Bruce's other loved ones. Something something cannibalism as a metaphor for love in how Jason wants to consume Bruce's whole existence. He can't let Bruce leave him again, can't let Bruce love or grieve anyone else. Forcing Bruce to choose between Jason and the Joker isn't just about confronting Jason's killer, it's about confronting the other person who exists as this duality with Bruce and consumes so much of Bruce's life. That's the role Jason wants to fill, calling himself Red Hood and forcing Bruce to look at what he's become. But still loving Bruce and wanting more than anything for Bruce to reciprocate that love in the way that Jason understands. I just think it's good soup and rife with Dynamics that are underexplored with them.
#necrotic festerings#brujay#jaybruce#jaybru#jason todd x bruce wayne#batcest#i've had this thought in my head for a while#i was just weirdly shy about posting it? like convinced myself it's not as verbose as some of my other thoughts#also GOD why is the art of this arc SO BAD.#i can't take it SERIOUSLY#i hate looking at it.#the faces. why are the faces like that.#brujay needs more love bc jesus#gotham war had some good brujay content but i am still too bitter to discuss that shitshow. so. ignoring it for now.#bruce changing jason's brain chemistry as an act of love is the most FUCKED UP brujay thing ever tho#it's so Them.#sorry that is just peak brujay. they are incapable of meeting in any middle and always trying to change each other.#maybe this meta should've been about that.#but then i'd have to use new-52 and rebirth panels so eh. nvmd.#this page makes it seem like i hate post-flashpoint comics. i don't i swear#they just interest me less for batcest.#like oh yay everyone's getting along and working together.#it only came at the expense of throwing away decades of character work. small sacrifice.#i need to stop posting meta at fucking 5 am.#no one is going to see this bc i can't be a normal person.#wrote this while watching invincible#which is pretty good so far but man the ending of ep1 clocked me. i was absolutely bamboozled.#i had something else i was going to say in the tags but i lost it.#anyway most of this is a ship post and projecting shit as per usual and yk. not serious comic media.#i'm just silly and gay.
50 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#i cannot read spanish but i keep getting that fears of uranus comic on my socials and it gives me the hives#shipping saturnus/jupiturnus and hearing about that makes me so stressed i am Ignoring its existence as best as possible but the universe#keeps showing it to me 😭😭 stopppp#my brain is... under stress and i am too Hyperfixated on the characters and everything#i hate my adhd so much#i wish i could see stuff like that and Not have it ruin my mood for so long#ugh.#solarballs#literally feels like someone has torn a hole in my heart whenever i see stuff like that#ive even blocked the creator but the universe is determined to make me see it 😭 stawp#this has ruined all of my determination to write today i am Not okay 👎🏼
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
29 notes
·
View notes
Text
hey guys who wants another round of tmi
#ive been#this entire day has been a lot and i have no idea how to feel about it#i've never cried this much in an entire day and i can't stop myself from tearing up but it's not because of something sad or traumatic i'm#not used to being loved. or appreciated. or meant to feel like i belong anywhere. i've struggled with being excluded and ostracized and it#has been an uphill battle for a long time and deep down despite my many attempts to heal and get better i've always felt like something was#fundamentally wrong with me. it has been wrong with me from the start and whatever evidence to the contrary ive gotten was rationalised awa#by fluke or maybe people like me because of what i can provide and what i can do for them and not because of who i am and who i am will#always be tolerated or ignored at best and i genuinely was not expecting anyone but a few close friends to care about this and just. andjus#i think something in me is healing and it's still hard to accept but i can conceptualize it and any negative thought in my brain is being#countered by “hey why would you think that when people care about you” and i know it is obvious right. its something i should know but it#has always been so hard to believe that anyone would and the fact that it's hitting right now? i cant fucking stop crying#its almost fucking embarrassing im like this. im a grown ass adult. why the fuck am i still crying like this. i fucking hate trauma man#keeps making me feel like im that kid who was never loved in the ways that mattered. sorry im just#thankful. grateful. i feel like some parts of that gaping wound is stitching itself together and i cant stop crying and for once im not#crying because i'm being hurt. i'm just grateful to be here. genuinely fucking grateful that i'm alive#funny isnt it. how much love can save you if you let it#tmi#rant#embarrassed myself enough i think#sorry about that we'll go to our regularly scheduled ghoap program soon enough#i'll be okay
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
mental illness is crazy bc what do you mean i feel like im not good enough simply bc my rp partner ships multiple ships instead of just shipping the one ship i ship and what do you mean i feel enraged everytime i see other ships mentioned
#sorry for the vent but like#man rsd is crazy#tho tbh it might also be bpd?? idfk i just know it makes me feel insane and toxic whenever it flares up and i hate it#like why am i feeling personally offended abt this shit??#why does my brain instantly default to oh so im not good enough for you like calm down??#no one is saying that???#why are we feeling so threatened over smth so stupid????#i just. hate it and don't want to end up being a dick bc it makes me so angry for no reason#sigh#vent#personal#jump speaks#ignore me#i am just frustrated smh
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
I have a long af post in my drafts, a rambling essay I haven't finished writing about Beetlebabes and purity culture now vs the 80s, 90s, and 2000s.
I also have another post where I'm putting together all the romance beats in Beetlejuice Beetlejuice (following the Romancing the Beat romance structure beat sheet).
And finally I also have two more Beetlejuice posts I haven't finished, one about Betelgeuse's role in the first film vs the second, and one is just a response to another post I never finished typing because I started it days ago in the morning and I had to leave so I couldn't finish it, and then I lost my thread of thoughts, so maybe I won't finish that one. Maybe lol. It was an interesting post about Lydia I wanted to add my thoughts to.
#the posts in my drafts rn#I have a feeling that once I finish these pots my obsession will wane and I won't be posting as much as I'm posting now#I hope it lasts longer... I really love Beetlejuice#and I am really loving this fandom#Most people I've met are so nice and I just feel surrounded by love#most of the time#(except those moments my brain makes me go like “wait everyone hates me secretly” which is so not true lol)#But yeah social anxiety and what not#Anyway I just really love this fandom#In this fandom I feel this warm feeling of community that's rare these days in so many fandoms#The only fandom that has been perpetual in my life has been Destiel for some reason#maybe because I've been here since 2012 and watched Supernatural since 2009#I want my love for Beetlebabes to be as powerful and permanent as my love for Destiel has been#Just ignore me#it's emo hours here apparently 😂#Anyway if anyone is reading this and you're Beetlebabes and/or Destiel fandom just know I appreciate you so much 🥺#I have so much love invested in these two ships#Ok like I have SO many ships#But there's something really special about these two specifically
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
i hate when i can feel things affecting me but i dont know what to do about it. i dont know what to use 2 counter it
#evils r getting to me n fucking with my brain so hard i just want to b free#every thought i have feels like someone elses#everything i do feels so boring#everything feels wrong#but i dont know why#i dont know how to stop it#i want to play a game but then i just get stuck . thinking#not moving#and then i close it#and try something else & repeat#and the whole time theres just an Ache in me#jerma aint helpin this time gamers o(-<#i need 2 change my brain its locked on the wrong setting but i dont know what to do#i dont know how this time#i am just so incredibly tired all the time#my eyes hurt#my body hurts#every emotion hurts#i cant even sleep i wake up constantly n roll over n over n over#im never comfortable#i hate my body#i feel it all the time#i dont know if its just the paranoia and i got good at ignoring it or if everyone is staring at me more#i dont want to be seen . every time i catch a reflection of myself it hurts#i dont even have a phone 2 take pictures or a scale so i cant tell if im changing#i feel stuck#and like the worst thing in the entire world#i just want to be good for something#i wish i could just have a job already i wish i could skip forward i dont know how to get there. im useless. i just want to offer something#im not good for anything im not capable of anything i should hav killed myself yrs ago. i never should have tricked myself into having hope
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
actually stunned by how gay The Beatles has been all this time and I just never knew
#like its always just been there in my life but i just never paid attention#my university roomie was obsessed w them and had several beatles posters that i looked at every day#so stuff like the pictures of them from the let it be album are like engrained into my brain#and yet i never knew the lore??#nor did i know until recently that they were actually all high school buds nor did i know they wrote their own music#nor that they genuinely basically invented modern bands n using the studio the way they did etc. so all that was very impressive and cool#but THEN on top of that omg the angsty gayness of john and paul#like all i knew previously basically was that john was a thing w yoko ono and paul had a young wife recently#i had at one point heard of people shipping j&p together and was just kinda like wow i guess people will ship anything#I DIDNT KNOW#that they were actually like that cute and that insane together and that their song writing together was like an actual marriage#anywayz the old pictures and videos of them are just like jesus look how they look at each other i dont think it was just being bros#i am sort of in the camp of they prob didn't act on it for real but there was def some insane tension/chemistry going on#and then ofc once youre aware of this their songs take on so many possible meanings outside of just singing about their gfs and wives....#anyways i just have to vent about this somewhere bc im actually shocked at how this has just passed me by all these years#and it definitely was not on my bingo card for 2024 to fixate on the beatles but here we are lol#more proof to me that my ultimate fave trope or wtv is 'besties to enemies when really they actually probably wanted to be lovers'#gets me every time!!!!#whats been fun about this rabbit hole is how just every single one of my expectations has been reversed as well#i went in assuming i would like them best in this order:#(1) george (2) ringo (3) paul and (4) john#i was sure i would hate john i thought he sounded so pretentious and like such a douche#but no actually he is my fave one and it's literally in reverse order for me i find george my least fave#(i like his music and feel bad for how he got ignored in the band but i like him the least)#and then i literally am john paul ringo george in order of faves now#i just love when i get surprised like that idk it keeps me on my toes and keeps things exciting and fresh#and yes john is indeed pretentious and a douche but i didn't know he was also funny and vulnerable and that i like his voice and songs#the most in the bunch almost every time as well#the beatles#p
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
adhd comix
#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired#like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability#and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors#i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working#isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol#if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you#need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid#im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher#to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll#go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms#AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis#theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were#comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run#and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make#a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!!#im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need#to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh#yapping#vent
53 notes
·
View notes
Text
One of my favorite hobbies to engage in is ignoring the canon course of video game romances
#yes my warden in an open relationship will have a foursome at the pearl#and yes I will continue to have Morrigan sleep with Orest after the “I love you and I hate it” conversation#I am digging into her brain so deep rn#morri seeing sex as the main manipulation tool she has and being so scared to have orest be just In Love With Her#she says no to his invitation of sex once and he just goes oh okay I'm sorry#I still love you that's okay#and it scares the bejesus out of her#time to keep fucking him so I can pretend that he just wants me for my body#time to let him fuck other people so it'll be easier for him to leave me in the end#I can't have him so dependent on me for his happiness or else it will destroy him (the man I love) in the end#I have to let him leave my side slowly or else he'll die if I separate myself from him I saw what happened with his ex-lover (tamlen)#let him be happy with zevran or leliana or anyone#fool woman he will never let you leave and never stop loving you#I love morrigan and her fucked up relationship with intimacy so much#orest is also especially easy to think you're manipulating because he acts so stupid (and it's only partially an act)#he loves so openly and so intensely and yet he's also clearly very easily drawn in with the appeal of a Nice Ass#I could talk about them forever#I'm editing an old fic to better fit with their dynamic and the canon of the romance#and the orest x morri content I've written since I first wrote this fic#and this doesn't just apply to orest and morrigan#I ignore that tamlen and gorim are female warden LIs only#I ignore that Blackwall is “straight” (blackwall may be but thom isn't that's for sure)#I do whatever the fuck I want with da2#anyway time to stop rambling in the tags and actually get back to writing#dragon age#dragon age origins#dragon age ii#dragon age inquisition#original content#and mainly
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out
#zymart#zymtalk#rant in the tags ->#okay listen to me this is really important and also i have a witness. this was not intentionally supposed to be posted on june 1st#the stars just aligned for this to be at its funniest. which means its also easier for me to dismiss LOL#i drew this like a week ago after trying to draw a whole like. 5 page comic about it and then stopping it mid-board#bc it was horrifying imagining being perceived that much. so i needed to make it into a joke instead and this was the funniest route#and then i was like 'UGH. UGH!!!! i can not be 20 and deal with this like im 13. if i dont post it by the end of the week#then [the witness to all my rants on this topic. shoutout to twig bc they got the most of it] can joke abt it as if i did anyway'#and now its the end of the week and i looked at the date and went 'oh my god didnt may just start what happened'#'WAIT ITS JUNE FIRST. GOD. THATS TOO FUNNY TO NOT SAY SOMETHING' and who am i if i dont prioritize the bit honestly#in all honesty. kinda hate it! not bc of internalized homophobia but actually bc of internalized arophobia that has somehow been emphasized#after having my brain shift from '1000% aromantic without a doubt no exceptions' to 'just arospec ig lol??'#but tragically as it turns out. you can not just try and self analyze yourself into speedrunning closure.#horrible news for the oscar zymstarz community frankly#SO i needed a way 2 justify shoving this off my plate and into the trash as fast as possible.#im impatient and cant acknowledge my own emotions. its a flaw im working on it#oh and for all the ppl who know the running gag abt 'my allegations' [i do not have any real allegations for anyone not in jems server]:#that was in fact just a running gag for like well over a year and a half. like that was just a long running bit COMPLETELY unrelated to thi#i only started having this weird sexuality shift or whatever not too long ago lol. like long enough to go through 4 of the 5 stages of grie#[evidently bc like. im posting this. i got close enough to 5 to throw in the towel ykwim]#but on 'oscar zymstarz emotional acknowledgement' time that is....... not long.#but yeah ig tldr like. still ace [thank god] just arospec [probably demiro? i hate trying to figure out my own labels] instead of Aro now#idk none of this is that deep but also like it kinda is unfortunately bc i have to actually talk abt it to be able to ignore it ykwim#but i did! we're done talking abt it now! and now i can act like i dont care and try to make jokes about it to speedrun the rest of it#anyway. Happy Pride everyone. Fukign kitty.#side message to jem. by no means does this mean im not still gonna bully you. its a sign of love but also it is you specific bullying 🫶#you are not safe#edit: this is karma for saying 'thank god'. might be demiace too. this is the worst month of my life /j
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
UNIVERSITY.
#💌 personal#sjfjdjfj ignore me i am just stressed#why is the field i was passionate about before suddenly not fun for me anymore now that i'm actually studying it#:(( i hate this#i wish i had more motivations for studying#or that i had a brain good for maths or any other sort of science#what the fuck am i even going to do with a linguistics degree#i just. feel guilty when i don't study enough but i also feel guilty when i don't devote enough time for my hobbies#i wish my brain worked in a more normal way#bleugh#sorry i am having. a Week
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ink October day twenty-nine: Wilder
To bewilder; to perplex.
Comparative form of wild: more wild.
#tears of the kingdom#loz totk#totk#the legend of zelda#legend of zelda#legend of zelda tears of the kingdom#totk link#blue boi draws#ink october 2023#ink October 2023 day 29#I have extremely conflicted feelings about this game that I think boil down to: I don’t dislike it but it did disappoint me#like there are a lot of things about it but the things I dislike are loud in a way that makes them hard to ignore#there are also a lot of tiny nitpicking things I dislike about it that I feel bad about because they are probably insignificant or cases of#people having different taste in things. like the bombs I miss my remote destination bombs :( but also the mechanics that replace them are#really fun. I actually think most of the mechanics and puzzles are really good (I probably have more fun in Zonai shrines then sheikah#on average) I also think expanding to the sky and underground was really smart and good. I think most of my issues are with the story#they did Zelda so dirty. sooooooo dirty. the three good things they did with her are 1 gave her good parental figures 2 cut her hair#3 tURNED HER INTO A FUCKING DRAGON. A WYRM. A CREATURE.#that’s probably my favourite main story thing besides maybe the companions and also Tulin#I love Teba the fact that his son is featured heavily and is done so good in this game is amazing.#also revali being basically never mentioned was really good. fuck you revali#love the Zonai HATE them founding Hyrule (or well rauru)#love the designs dragon goat people love good dad to Zelda the king can go fuck himself#the thing about me is I hate colonial the divine right of kings and monarchies so much. the kingdom of Hyrule stinks of these things#botw to me was in part a story of a monarchy failing. the king and the system failed Zelda failed Link and failed their kingdom.#I knew that more then likely they would be rebuilding the kingdom in the sequel but oh my gods does the addition of the politics of Hyrules#founding make it worse. there are so many people who have explained in detail this but right now my brain is just… GAH#*banging my head against the wall* can we PLEASE acknowledge the flaws of the Hylian royalty I’m not even asking for them to be discrowned#at this point I just want anything that isn’t this glorifying shit. and it sucks because I like Sonia!!! I like Minaru!!!#ran out of tags but I need you to know I am fucking vibrating about this
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
screams job-interview-ly
#I hate phone interviews#in person I'm charming as hell#but when I can't see the other person my brain shorts out#ignore this I am complaining
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
it is insane to me that people Want to socialize. every single day. it takes me by surprise how high my capacity is for loneliness. i have to remind myself that the average person gets lonely 50x faster than i do. it takes me months to miss people and its such a "OHHH RIGHHHTTT" moment when i remember that friends are usualllyyyy offended if you don't talk to them for long periods of time. i feel like a massive shithead for it
#i get frustrated when people comment on my other blogs bc out of anybody you chose to talk with ME???#i don't like getting angry when people rightfully wanna engage with me!!! that is not an appropriate reaction!!!!!!#this is not a 'haha humans am i right' post this is a 'i hate how my brain works' post#i may not view socializing as a priority in the slightest but it doesnt give me the right to be an ass#i love solitude i love the peace it gives me. i Like being schizoid. but i hate hurting people with my ignorance#the forest whispers
8 notes
·
View notes