#my brain everyday is just:
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I will never understand straight girls and gay men how the fuck do you go through life without falling in love with every woman you see HOW
#lesbian#how though#seriously#my brain everyday is just:#GIRLS!#WOMEN!#FEMALES!#especially mean girls#I dont fucking know why but yeah#SAPPHIC FOR LIFE#sapphic doesn't look like a real word#its so weird looking
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one small step for. kitties
#mine#cats#i was gna share th process vid of this but its just 90% drawing little dots not thrilling#anyway i had a Day today but we live we go forth !!#i am going to try a new journal thing bc th hobonichi hasnt been slaying ngl . i might b a filofax girlie#ive bought a 2nd hand one off ebay for 12£ which will Do For Now to see if actually like it#i need to figure out th sizing of my pages im gna make my own....brain is so so small#i was gna do mini pages for daily journaling but i think ive excepted i am not. gna journal everyday like thats not happening#n then what happens when im then using dated journals is i fall behind n then i hve such an atrocious memory i cant remember what i did#like 3 days prior to back fill so its lots of empty pages and AAAA#ironic that i am journaling to help my symptoms but my symptoms r stopping me from journaling. can i win once#anyway i think this system will be better yes yes
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Another fact about me is that I looooove winter sports. And today my two braincells touched and I experienced a thought: What if the cold boys liked the ice. The ice liked them. Terror modern AU winter sports edition!!!
(Did a bunch of sketches before I realized they all wear protective headgear (obviously) and it's kinda not fun if you can't even see who it is. So I just colored the sketches where you could see ppls face)
Jopson and Gore are doing biathlon (couldn't be bothered to figure out how to draw the guns that's none of my business)
Charles De Voeux does as well <3 (I hate him)
Tozer does alpine skiing (I'm deliberately ignoring the fact he's canonically good at shooting he's built like the guys who do alpine skiing so)
Blanky is a retired professional alpine skiing athlete as well, he still roams around the slopes bc the ppl love him still although he's kinda weird (he loves to fuck with Tozer)
Thomas Hartnell does snowboarding (idk it just felt right)
Armitage, Peglar (our short king) and Fairholme do ski jumping (I forgot that Armitages job is literally something something weapons but idc he has scrawny ski jumper vibes)
Ned does Skeleton (?? idk about this one) (dont pay attention to the arms pay attention to his handsome face)
Hodge and Jirv pilot a bobsleigh
And my magnum opus big brain idea: FITZCONTE ICE SKATING AU?????? HELLO???????????????
Feel free to add your own takes on who would do what if you have any opinion at all bc I feel like its a very niche european thing to be this serious about winter sports avshhshs
#another one from the category “a post made for exactly 3 ppl that get ir”#everyday i wake up and i lie bc everyday i say “im gonna take a little break guys the worms in my brain arent doing too hot”#and then 2 hrs later i get possesed and draw something#was this just an excuse to draw the boys in tight ish outfits? maybe (terror discord you know whats up)#the terror#the terror amc#thomas jopson#graham gore#charles des voeux#solomon tozer#thomas blanky#edward little#george hodgson#john irving#james fitzjames#henry le vesconte#fitzconte#tom hartnell#froggerart
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Not romantic or platonic but a secret third thing (this guy is my sleep aid and using him like a body pillow knocks me out)
Just the outlines under the cut:
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#UTDR#UTMV#Killer Sans#Cross Sans#My Art#Kross ship#<Not necessarily but y'know. could be if you wanted it#I don't know why when I'm drawing for comfort it's always these two cuddling#Something about it just soothes my brain#I need these two to hold each other like a beloved childhood stuffed animal#And be the absolute last people to notice it#Cross off-handedly mentions he's going to bed soon and somebody's like ''ok I'll go get Killer'' and he's like ?????#''Why would they tell Killer I'm going to bed? That's weird'' (cue montage of them falling asleep together everyday for the last 12 days)#Horror and Dust ping-pong between mercilessly teasing them about it and gently throwing a blanket over them when they doze off#Also these were just gonna stay in krita for me but Pidge's art of them cuddling started me barking and yapping so here we go lol
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alcoholic ex wive
#my brain is a machine that turns everything into brainworms#cowley just stands outside the bookshop everyday for a few hours#post divorce crowley#take off those glasses to see big wet eyes#ineffable divorce#gomens#crowley#gomens 2#ineffable idiots#good omens#aziracrow#ineffable husbands#ineffable spouses#good omens 2#fanart#my art#loser (affectionate)
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ive been thinking about the red string superstition recently and also sol bufo always and it makes me sick how uncannily caldwell tanner has made sol to perfectly target me personally
(+ cropped versions !)
#naddpod#ba2mia#ba2umia#solum bufo#swag daniels#calliope petrichor#calder kilde#alexandrite#posts by me dot com#okay..... SECRET TAGS RAMBLE!#so basically this superstition is like ... i think a chinese/buddhist/taoist superstition?#ive taken some creative liberties with it... but its mostly accurate to how its been told to me?#but of course theres lots of variations! some more abt bad luck; some say to tie it on the doorknob#etc etc ... lots a variations#i was also rlly interested in the .... weird illogic? of the thing?#like the red attracts and repels spirits at the same time#so thats something i was thinking about with too. red is assocuated with both swag and alexandrite. which to me was kinda reflecting like#i think what murph said . swags place in the wild is in a way. an extension of what he learned from the network#mothership s inextractivle from sol and swags lives. they will always be held doen by it. thats the spirit that will follow them forever#that they choose to hold on too! as much pain as it brought ... some of the experience was worth it#and anyway. theres somethingwrong w me that the minute someone brought up this superstition my brain went#'ohhh just like sol!' < needs to touch grass moment#but i CANT BELIEVE. CALDWELL DID THE RED STRING. AND ITS LITERALLY A MOURNING RITUAL#caldwell keeps accodentally makig that frog ASIAN. to MEEEE!!!!!!#but. anyway. idk. ive always hced sol kept the piece of yarn and it makes me kinda .... what if y let the malicious spirits follow you.#and haunt you. what if its the closest you can get to keeping the person still around#and sol and swag obviously have so much about homes .... so!#(ok. weve reached the pt where maybe nobodys reading? so confession is this is sort of a well. ive just been doodling this comic everyday#after a wake. and it was sort of inspired after realising i was even a bit sad about it maybe. so. idk its about sol but also?#i guess the projection doesnt end at him being asian. hehe. is what i mean. LOL. okay secret tags over . buried lore. dont look here folks)
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i find it incredibly funny and telling seeing ian's reaction to mickey going to a hipster concert with his 'boyfriend'
he's there making faces and describing them looking at mickey as in 'this is everything you hate, are you for real?'
i love how his reaction is to laugh and not to feel jealous at mickey ''trying'' to ''fit in'' for the guy, cause he knows he's just doing that to keep the whole ''i've moved on'' thing going and byron. it also made me think how this is what ian did with his other relationships, trying so hard to be loved. he knows that doesn't work and that mickey isn't like that so he doesn't feel threatened by ian's poundland's version. but ian? ian had to listen to trevor's music, tried to be ''cool'' and go to the club cause trevor kept pushing himself over ian i'mnotafraidofanything gallagher.
i feel like ian's need to fit where people tell him to increased with s4 when he was maniac and away from his family. him being at the club, having ''regulars'' and parties (e.x. the one he went with mickey) he had this whole life that he didn't like but kept on shoving on himself cause he thought that's what he has to do to be loved. but then he's with mickey and s5 has him move on from that life as he's with someone who doesn't make him feel like he needs to try and pretend being someone else. s6 happens and the whole EMT is amazing but still, ian is still being used in ways (making caleb's father's angry + fucking a girl) so people want him just cause he fits with their needs and not what they can share together. its always ian giving to others. s7 with the whole trevor thing felt so awkward, he made ian feel like shit for not being up to date with every lgbtq term. trevor's group was basically this
despite that, ian was never enough. trevor kept telling him off and showing how cool and superior he is compared to ian. which is why i love how ian can see through mickey's bullshit, knowing that doing so its just trying too hard, not being genuine. its not what mickey and ian are. ''can't we just be ian and mickey?''
and i think that also reflects on s11 arc for them. ian wants to make the marrige work, he doesn't want mickey to regret it so he tries so hard, but by doing so they struggle to understand each others at first. they both want monogamy but a misunderstanding makes them both think the other wants to include people in their sex life. debbie and mickey point out that ian gets influenced by lip and that he doesn't have other friends. he thinks they seem it as something bad, something he needs to change. so what does he do? he decides that he and his husband are going to have gay friends and do the whole 'sex with others' thing. what's funny is that they both know they don't want that so what does ian do to convince mickey to tag along? he makes him jealous
''...who knows what will happen?'' and mickey sees through his bullshit
he's like ''are you really pulling this shit on me?'' so when he reminds ian what their decision was, ian tells him ''then i guess we should make some friends together.'' he tags along, they hang out with other gay people just like the ones trevor was friend with. but this time ian is comfortable saying that's not going to do it for him. but mickey? he's is a little shit and wants ian to learn a lesson so they stay till the night and all that shit. but THEN
they come back from the shitty hang out and mickey knows! he knows that ian finally understands. ian didn't have fun, ian didn't want to be with them, didn't want to force that lifestyle cause this time he's not with someone who's asking him to do that. ian even says
mickey's face is a clear ''no shit, sherlock.'' despite being himself with mickey, he's still struggling to accept that mickey wants ''all of the fucking versions of me.'' so he tries to force what he thinks will be the best for mickey, for them. which is also why he regrets getting the house on the west side after mickey's breakdown. he did sign the paper cause mickey was the first one to suggest checking it out, he knows that mickey deserves more than being a ''southside trash'' but he pushed it without giving mickey a chance to elaborate it. once ian finally realises that, he's willing to take a step back go back to where mickey is comfortable. this time though, mickey knows that ian is doing it for them and to show mickey his life is so much more than being what his father wanted him to become. and then the anniversary day? i have this headcanon that ian didn't say anything first because he wanted to check if mickey still cared about it, if he didn't regret getting married to ian. after a year together ian tried and 'failed' to make things work the way he thought they were supposed to be. is mickey still 'fucking crazy' for wanting that? so he waits, tries to remind him. they go to the alibi and ian has given up, he doesn't want to go out, he wants to go home and he's so desperate for mickey to remember their anniversary before the day ends. so he tells him but mickey reaction is anything but hurtful to ian. patting him on the shoulder and saying ''that's great.''
he must be thinking, 'this is the same person that fought so hard for us to get married, went all crazy over it and planned to kill his father for ruining it-- and now that we've hit the one year mark he's forgotten and just pat me on the shoulder?' cause ian knows what it feels like to be loved by mickey and he doesn't see it in that moment, he's scared.
the face he makes once he realises that he planned a big surprise for him, for them. for their love? its like he can finally breathe, they're okay, they're going to be okay. because they're ian and mickey and they love each other and go through everything together. ''thick and thin all that shit.''
and finally he knows he can stop trying so hard to fit somewhere he doesn't want to be, because he's loved for who he is, with all of his flaws that others made him think he wasn't worth the trouble. but just like ian makes mickey free, mickey himself makes ian feel free.
bonus 'mickey's ''no way i would forget about that'' expression.'
#okay so this post makes no sense#i just wanted to talk about whatever#so it starts in a way and ends randomly#but thats just my everyday brain#activity#shameless#gallavich#shameless us#mickey milkovich#ian gallagher#ian x mickey
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there's this really deep belief in me that says I can't post anything related to ouro anywhere anymore & I hate it & I hate it & I hate it. I have so much !! to say :(
#ouroboros-if#just this enormous sinkhole in my stomach everytime i even think about talking about it anymore. ough#im getting so close to the finished thing but my brain is just EVIL and i have on numerous occasions just thought that i should dip and then#post the game in a year under another pseud HDBDNDJFKF#i am not normal#and at this point my experience in the if community is a net negative#it is what it is. don't look at me im being vulnerable#i hope everyday that it is not too late for this story to find its right audience#. i will be handing it over with a hovering kiss on your cheek and tears like thick gruel in my throat#i am trying so hard.#BUT IT FEELS LIKE IM FAILING !!!!!!
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the next update is going to be the last of the parts where I have the first draft prewritten, so I'm going to be taking a bit of a break to catch up with the rest of Act II.
#it won't be longer than a week but yeah just a tad bit of a break to appease my mind#caught up with myself sooner than i would have liked but alas Uni#that's how i've been managing to post everyday#I prewrote all of act I before posting it so I just made the tweets and did final edits before posting#and then spent the rest of my timewriting future updates#which honestly is a great way to write i do recommend#helps your brain be fresh when you come back to edit#but yeah I've caught up with myself due to uni so break time!
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I had a shrink appointment today and while I could not see it I knew my doc was going through the five stages of grief while I explained my fool proof strategy for doing my t shots despite a crippling fear of needles: By abusing my vastly more crippling fear of being an inconvenience.
My mother and I play phasmophobia together every week. she usually has a pretty limited time to do this bc she's like. a doctor and a college professor whos always busy. So I asked her to just. hold me to doing them. We don't start playing until the shot is done. so my needle fear doesn't matter because now it's Wasting™ her time and I have to do it quick. Using one neurosis to defeat another.
It's a horrible coping mechanism because it's feeding the inconvenience fear, but it is definitionally a coping mechanism.
#im a 'has a panic attack during every injection or iv theyve ever gotten' type of scared of needles#no it genuinely has nothing to do with pain the needle itself is the fear not the using of it#like i told this story before but i have these sewing pins with lil bow ties on them and i had to get my dad to take all the blue ones out#because they were triggering the same part of my brain iv needles do#just the sight of them with the rest of my cute sewing pins was a problem#And the fear of being an inconvenience is so bad i cant eat around people or be in crowded spaces or talk at get togethers#without being paralyzed by fear of Being In The Way. its so bad ive been avoiding using my power chair bc it makes me take up#slightly more space than i would just standing. and i never took my manual out and about because i moved too slowly in it#and i dont take my crutches on planes despite using them everyday bc they cant fold up like my cane can and so are In The Way#one of the big reasons i dont use the chairs in stores is they have back up alarms. and i hate making noises in public#Yes this is part of the reason i want a Rottweiler for my service dog because i want people to look at the doggie Not Me.#I like people! i like being friendly and talking and making little connections with strangers!!! But i cant be the one to initiate or#be In The Way of a peaceful moment#dont look at me#this is also a big issue i have with making friends or changing the nature of a relationship because like. im autistic#I have Rules for social interactions memorized that i will follow. but moving people from one category to another#is difficult. It is too the point i had problems for litteral years talking to my boyfriend as though#he was a person i knew well and cared deeply for because i kept using the 'rando guy im flirting with on the Internet' script#I have commissioners i want to be friendlier with but my brain says No Stop that is an Impolite and Overly informal way to talk to#a customer™ despite them not being customers when they arnt in the commission process#im like thise huskies who are scared of carpet because its Different than the floor they're currently standing on#its Too different:(#and to be clear i am Completely aware of how none of this makes logical sense and is in fact deeply self destructive#That does not fix it. it is so ingrained in my head that im certain i could convince my brain to let me bite off my own fingers#before i could convince it to let me talk to someone at a help desk or ask my order be corrected at a restaurant
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*phil voice* saturday night and my clit is getting lit!
#everyday i think about this cause the melody is just stuck in my brain lol#anyway hope u have a good and lit saturday#jenna rambles#phan#dan and phil#amazingphil
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been exercising consistently for a month now (4 times a week) and I hate to admit that my energy levels really have improved so much 🧍♀️
#used to feel like crashing after lunch basically everyday and these days I actually feel like doing things...#and it just keeps getting easier to exercise too bc I'm starting to be less sore after each session + it feels sooo good to increase the#weights and know that I can handle it...#it was rly tough in the beginning but once I passed that bit where I would almost always give up it's gotten a lot easier#I don't even have my brain trying to talk me out of exercising anymore#I just get to the time I usually exercise and do it#and not just physically but mentally I can feel a lot less resistance in doing things too#specially with cleaning etc I used to battle it out in my head so much and I'd do it regardless but ik I used to do it very frustrated bc#I didn't Want to do it but these days I barely feel any resistance I just think that I have to do something and I do it... actually feeling#like a functional person woah#jt
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I think it would be really funny if rin was the more helpful one around his house. Like u would think rin would be the disrespectful one who always bails on housework or mass but its actually yukio who would always have an excuse not to go or forget about chores to the point that rin just does them instinctively now
#this post lagged my phone so bad i had to save it as a draft and switch it to my computer#god is trying to stop me from spreading my 'yukio is an atheist' ideals#anyway this extends to when they live together and when they are adults to the point that rin comes over and does all the chores for yukio#cuz this created an oroboros since rin always did them as a kid now yukio doesnt have them in his brain#he tries his best tho he would neveradmit (at least in highschool) that hes kind of a boyfailure at housework#rin is a homemaker this is my truth#rin is like kinda resentful but not enough to act on it and its so deep down he doesnt even realize its there#like yeah its kinda fucked up that he would ask yukio for help setting things up for mass or doing the laundry but yukio has a busy scedule#and hes wayy smarter than rin so obviously he shouldnt waste his time on stuff like that but rin would never voice those in a negative way#rin doesnt hate helping his brother tho if yukio asked him to come over and clean his house everyday forever he would probably do it#its just the principal of yukio being a perfect angel and rin not getting any credit cuz hes doing 'thankless jobs'#and yukio kinda feels bad even tho he really did have things to do he just couldnt tell rin cuz it was exorcist work#im just writing fanfiction now#accept my okumura twin fanfiction headcanons#blue exorcist#ao no exorcist#yukio okumura#rin okumura#'blue exorcist' 'ao no exorcist' yukio okumura' 'rin okumura' are my most used tags on tumblr#am i in your hearts yet blue exorcist tumbr?🥺
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at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!
#i have had this stupid fucking rule for myself for years since i was little#''dont speak unless you're spoken to or else something bad will happen. nobody wants to hear what you have to say unless they ask''#I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME????#AND I DIDNT REALIZE IT WASNT NORMAL#thats not something that healthy people think to themselves whenever they want to talk to people. they just talk to them#they dont tell themselves not to speak to people for fear of what may happen to them jesus christ spacie#i get so scared when i message anybody ANYTHING#bc everything and anything i wanna talk about feels so stupid why would anyone give a shit#staring at a funny joke i want to send someone for 30 fucking minutes before deleting it b/c my brain is like ''errmm who cares?''#''also they're going to yell at you for wasting their time!!!''#i sent my friend a meme once and had a panic attack (or maybe a flashback?? im still trying to figure out what they are) immediately after#this shit sucks dude. it sucks#at least im processing what happened to me. thats why it hurts so bad rn its been stockpiled for like.#2 decades#im not looking for any sympathy here im just putting it out there#so that anybody who feels the same way i do know they're not alone#ive been struggling everyday for like 2 months now (actually DEFINITELY longer)#it will get better. things just need to be taken one step at a time#i have gotten thru my worst days i have a 100% success rate#how many days have i been alive#7930#lightwork#lets keep it goin#vent#trauma tw#trauma mention#wrote this post thru a flashback btw!! dealing with them is getting easier#before i would be unable to function for days at a time!!!#with one of the most recent ones i had i was so in the thick of it i avoided everyone i knew for a week cuz i was convinced#i was an evil unlovable freak that only wanted to hurt people
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Blorbos that I doodled in class the other day and exposing myself as the extreme clown I am
#its technically my#kaleidescope au#ghostbug au#but without any context they just look like they're regular dumb and smitten selves#i ha e blorbos on the brain all day everyday#its chronic#adrien agreste#ladrien#miraculous ladybug#miraculous fanart#miraculous ladybug fanart#selkie draws
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This is how I cope
#πa art#homestuck fanart#homestuck#gamzee makara#equius zahhak#homestuck spoilers#<-i supposeeee. even though this is not canon at all#i wish he got to at least try to fight back.... i really wish...#the idea of nep dying first haunts me everyday#in seek the highblood eq says he doesnt know what hed be without nep#and god i wish we got to see it#eq is my fav troll which is crazy since he was made to lose apparently#i dont like how gamzee came out but oh well!#<- he's meant to be dodging but i dont know if thats legible as it is#JUMPSCARE! not fnaf the hs!!!!!! wow#dear mutuals. my art acc isnt actually legally bound to the other blorbos thats just my brain#dear mutuals. seek the highblood did something to me#never shouldave smoked that homestuck now im at seek the highblood#Im like ten million years late to homestuck and im so sad..... my favorite troll.......
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