#my biggest problem is that as a person i am a hopeless romantic

[eorzeanflowers]

11. Opinion on platonic ships?

Adore, love, a joy to see. I always want to see MORE! :D On my own side, I have a huge web were all my characters are connected and the like... I just have never put it to paper!

And on the other coin, I am always up for platonic ships! Archie in particular is very big into them! Rivals, besties, just ordinary friends, I will eat it up. <3

[gregmarriage]

do you suppose when my dad had three daughters, he’d guess that two of them would get married to men and give him a ton of grandkids, and the other one would sit in her room, dykely and autistically

[ash-says]

Things to be aware of as a Hopeless Romantic:

We all have been there daydreaming about the perfect man, the perfect life, the perfect whatever,etc. Still life is not full of roses and thorns are inevitable.

So here are some aspects to look out for according to me so that you won't fall in the delulu is the only solulu trap.

Remember if you follow me, we don't do regrets here. We accept, take accountability and move on. We don't soak ourselves in problems. We solve them effectively.

1) Drop those rose-colored glasses. Crush them under your feet and now look at the world again. Learn to accept reality. It is what it is. Not what you make it out to be. Learn to become an observer of your life from time to time. It will give you the real picture.

2) Potential is useless if you are not leveraging it. It's a trap both for yourself and others. You see potential in him of changing and being a good guy?? Girl, he *IS* not a good guy. It's not your job to raise a man. It's embarrassing. Stop babysitting grown men.

3) Standards are important but ensure they are not rooted in fantasy. Let's be honest finding a man who is rich, dark, tall, sexy and talks in the way you read in your romance novels is difficult. I am not saying it's impossible but don't be too rigid. All I will say is make sure you are also on the level where if you come across such a man he should be ready to date you.

4) Men view sex differently than us women. I know many of you will get triggered after reading this but the majority of men really view women as sex dolls. Blame the porn industry maybe. Good men exist but not every other man who talks sweetly is good.

5) A person in your life treats you nicely. Always talk sweetly, tells you that you matter to them but their actions don't match it. Chances are you are being breadcrumbed. Plans being cancelled? Messages being unseen? But when confronted all you get is,"Sorry love, I was busy. I was going to do it. You matter a lot,etc etc." Breadcrumbing. Be smart it can happen even in friendships too. I understand people get busier with time and things do happen. Use your discernment to see who really is busy and who is faking to be busy.

6) That uncle was so kind to me. He talked to me sweetly and always tried to help me out. Now, that's really sweet of him. Next he calls you home to help out with the household chores and he is alone at home because his wife is out of town for some work. Would you go and help? Yes. Will you go alone? No. That's unsafe.

No matter how much a gentleman a man appears to be you are not allowed to be in a situation where he could potentially take advantage of you. You always bring along a friend or deny it. I know it's wrong to not help someone but at your own risk. No. Never. It's common knowledge in our society.

7) Dreaming of a Prince Charming to whisk you away from all your troubles??? Dream on. The idea that a soulmate or one person will magically solve all our issues is dumb. We as human beings add to each other's happiness rather than becoming the core of it.

8) One of the biggest mistakes I have seen girls around me make is of being fully invested in a relationship to the point one small fight makes them depressed. That's codependency. It's unhealthy.

9) Never make your relationship your identity. You should always have a separate identity out of it. Stop curating yourself for your partners. Morphing yourself according to their likes and dislikes. That's one way ticket to an identity crisis after breakup. Compromises are essential but changing your core self??? Crazy shit.

10) Your relationship should not be the reason for your downfall. It happens especially with my intense girlies we invest so much of ourselves in the relationship to the point it becomes our focal point and when it faces upheavals we are devastated. The mental distress starts flowing in other areas of your life and suddenly your grades are falling, your career seems unstable, etc. Develop the emotional strength to compartmentalize your emotions and not allow them to overflow in other areas and affect them.

Imagination is fertile but being delusional is being stuck in a swamp.

That's all for today's show on ash-says. Stay tuned for more illegal tricks and explosive opinions.

[pixelchills]

Chill's ramblings about the DCA fandom and personal feelings and issues towards TSAMS (both positive an negative):

(I'm writing this like an essay but treating it like a diary, so if I jump from subject to another, it is because I am just typing as the thoughts hit my head. Sorry for being so wordy.)

I simply feel like I need to write my thoughts down, so why not share them with you. Maybe you can validate my feelings or something, I don't know.

Intro:

So, oof, I got a fic rec from @thedenofravenpuff and I'm loving it so much I really wanna draw fan art for it...

But the problem is that it's a TSAMS fanfic and I've sworn to my name I'll never draw anything related to the show because that will make me engage with a part of the fandom I'm not comfortable with.

My biggest issue with TSAMS:

I have such complicated feelings towards the show and its fanbase and I do not wish to make my life and work more difficult because of it as it already is.

My own work and characters are already constantly being compared to TSAMS. When I first introduced Solar to my fic, he was constantly being referred to Eclipse from TSAMS. Now that the show had a character with THE SAME NAME, it has been even worse.

Dolldrop Moon has been compared to Lunar. Even though the dolldrops existed before the youtube channel was even created (and Lunar made his debut much later).

The biggest issue I've had has always been the fanbase, that takes the show as the canon for Sun and Moon from FNAF and uses it as an excuse to harass shippers like me because they think Sun and Moon are brothers.

I've first handedly seen the damage the fanbase has done to some of my friends who draw, or have previously drawn art for the show besides their own AUs and personal headcanons of Sun and Moon as lovers. I'm sorry to tag you, but @kriimhild and @fablekitty : I've seen how the immature side of the show's fans have treated you, I am so terribly sorry you've had to defend yourselves over and over again for things that were not meant to be mixed up.

I have posted some ideas of a possible Animutant Moon and Sun forming a polyamorous relationship with Solar in the future of "My Dear Daffodil" on my personal/adult Twitter account. Someone kept commenting on my posts that I was glorifying incest, because Sun and Moon were brothers and Solar was their cousin.

The post had "Animutant" in it. Not "TSAMS". These comments came from a person saying they were 19 in their profile. So it's not just kids who can't tell not every fanwork is about TSAMS. It's starting to be some adults too.

Vice versa I've had another person comment on my very clearly SFW Twitter how they're following me because I am an adult artist who draws TSAMS incest. I have never drawn TSAMS art. I ship Sun and Moon, but they're never related with family bond, because I love presenting them as lovers.

Why I ship Sun and Moon:

Because I am a hopeless romantic. I love romantic love. Every single story I write is always about love.

The only exception to this is the Poppy Playtime comic I am doing. But even then, I was originally planning for a romantic love between Dogday and the Player. Yet, I decided to leave it, and keep the relationship open for any type of representation the reader themselves will prefer.

I used to watch The Sun and Moon Show when it first started airing. I loved their playthroughs. I had a big distaste for them calling each other brothers, as well as some of the first "lore" videos they had. My biggest issue at the time was how Moon treated Sun, though. As someone who grew up with an abusive sibling, it sometimes just hit a bit too hard at home.

But it got better after Eclipse and Lunar appeared. Moon was more caring, and I started to really like his character development. There was one episode where Sun explained to Lunar that he and Moon had simply just "decided" to be brothers, despite not having a canonical relationship.

This actually made me really happy. Because the Old Moon was aroace, the love he felt was simply never meant to be romantic, but platonic. And by making Sun his brother by choice clearly indicated that Sun was always the one he loved the most - in a way that was suitable for aromantic person like him.

And it really made me enjoy the show for a while. Sun is my favourite character, and despite not always liking the way the show presents him, I always feel so much love for him, no matter the AU he is in. So I loved that Moon loved him more than anything, even if it was just platonic. Because I've always been under the impression that the canon Moon loves Sun, and is only under a virus to protect him. For me, the best part of any Sun and Moon AU is to know that Sun is the most important thing to Moon.

Why I stopped watching TSAMS:

And then that Moon I had really started to like, who loved Sun more than anyone else but just platonically, died.

It hurt so much I simply stopped watching the show. I've watched a few episodes here and there after that, but I am having a hard time liking the show the same as I did before.

Partially it's because of the fanbase. Partially it's because I don't find the lore very interesting and some of the stuff a bit repetitive. Partially it's because I am scared to see Sun eventually crumble up into madness, because he has been through so much.

I like the New Moon. He is funny and nice, what I've seen. His relationship with Solar has been interesting, and I genuinely hoped they would've been able to take the romantic route after Moon said he wasn't sure if he was aroace anymore. But as I said, I've only watched a few episodes after the old Moon died, so I don't know either of their characters that much to form any strong opinions about them. I just listen to the Monty and Puppet podcast once in a while and get a little inside to some of the lore that has been happening.

But hey, at least there's fanfics. Which is why I am rambling here today.

Fanfics:

It is a rare treat to find Sun x Moon fanfics that aren't simply just porn, or do not include reader inserts. So since my romance-filled brain needed something to fill the void, I've started reading some TSAMS fics with romance (that wasn't between Sun & Moon) and plot in them.

I know Solar was settled to be a "cousin" to the weird family tree of TSAMS. But I simply crave for Solar and New Moon to be at least queerplatonic. Solar is not from their dimension, no matter how much they decide they're 'cousins' it doesn't make him their real cousin or relative because they're not from the same world.

Sun and Moon are brothers but they technically gave birth to Eclipse, who then created Lunar so Eclipse is technically Lunar's parent and then brother and Lunar is Sun and Moon's brother and... do you see what I'm trying to say?

The family tree is so complicated that I don't think I'm a horrible person for shipping Moon and Solar and reading fics about them. Tell me if I am wrong though.

The FIC that is making me question everything:

So Puffy recommended this fic by @theinfamousdoctorf , "Eclipse Meets His Match".

I'm currently on chapter 40, and I am genuinely surprised how much I am liking this fic so far. It got everything; redemption and character growth, the representation of Sun as the good, glowing angel he is in my mind (for canon, and every AU. He is always perfect in my eyes I love him can you tell lol), slow-burn romance, drama, excitment, plot, jokes and funny moments... even if there are a lot of mentions of sex and sexual pleasure, it doesn't feel out of the place as there is so much more to it too.

Eclipse's redemption to become better and realising he is in love with Sun has been so interesting to follow. Sun deserves the love. I love when Sun is getting loved. I literally ship him with every other animatronic in the games and love it when people ship him with their self-inserts and OCs. Because I love him so much I want him to be loved in every possible universe he is in.

Even bigger bonus to this fic is the second pairing, Solar and Moon, which I already opened up about above. I don't know how much the fic is truthful to the canon lore of the show, but I wish to pretend this fic is the canon now /hj.

I love the characters and how they're written. I love the descriptions of their flaws and hopes and dreams. How vulnerable they can get. How closely they stick together. And as an appreciation for making me tearful and excited about fanfiction in such a long time, I would hope to be able to gift the author some fan art for their fic.

But I've sworn to not draw anything for the show. For my own good. I've got too many awful comments already from the fans of the show despite never doing any art for it. I am just scared it will turn things worse.

End words:

I don't know if creating a new alias would be the right choice. So my main name/account would be spared from the confusion that the show's fans seem to stirr into, where one tsams artwork turns all of the artist' work into tsams.

I don't care if the art style would be recognisible. The artist would be me, but not PixelChills. Just so I could gift something to the author of this fic that is currently saving me from the boredom of being unable to write my own.

Thank you.

(This text has been typed on my phone, so pardon for any typos).

-Chill

[liztical]

At times, I think I am my life's biggest paradox. The way I think, the way I act, the way I speak, my whole existence is like a paradox to me.

I love nature but I also don't like rain and I am afraid of thunderstorms. I love making friends but I don't want to tell them my problems. I tell my friends it's human to make mistakes but my tiniest mistakes eat me away. I am extremely ambitious and love the things I do, but then, I am extremely lazy too. I am a hopeless romantic, very hopeless, but I am afraid if I fall too hard for someone I might lose my own self. I am very confident about myself but it won't take me the slightest moment to get insecure when someone better read, better dressed shows up. I love myself, a lot. But, there are times I look in the mirror and don't like the way I am looking. I am an over-sharer(if that's even a word, but you get it) but I also have some major trust issues. I don't care about what others think but I also want to be likeable. I am really sensitive but I am also really tough. I am very happy but I also cry a lot.

Even my thoughts. At times, I'd think people don't really have bad intentions, it's just a matter of perspective but then I also judge a lot of people for the one thing they did wrong to me. I'd think honesty is just so very important but I also think a truth that might hurt someone shouldn't be said unless necessary.

There's so much of these things that this list could go on forever. But, then I think our lives are a little too long to hold on to just one personality, just one perspective, just one ideology. Wouldn't it be too boring to live such a predictable life?

[bloodybcrbie]

KNOWING YOUR PARTNER WELL CAN POTENTIALLY MAKE WRITING TOGETHER A LOT EASIER. REPOST DO NOT REBLOG !!

NAME : alexis, but people i'm close to call me lex / lexi .

PRONOUNS : she/her

PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION : my biggest red flag is that i am terrible at initiating communication with people . absolutely horrible at it . but i do love talking ooc <33 i prefer using discord rather than tumblr ims , so if you ever wish to speak with me , just text me on discord or ask me for it if you don't already have it <3

NAME OF MUSE(S) : tiffany valentine ( child's play / chucky franchise )

BEST EXPERIENCE : hmm , i would have to say my best rp experience was several years ago , during the peak of tumblr rp ( 2016 - 2018 ish ) . i have so many great memories from that . the rp community was just so . . lively and more communicative .

RP PET PEEVES / DEALBREAKERS : i don't get annoyed easily , so i don't really have pet peeves that sincerely provoke me lol . but i suppose one of my greatest pet peeves is bothering me for replies or posting vagues / sending anon hate to other people . like pls ? at your big age ? we're adults here lol . if you have a problem , then speak to the person directly .

MUSE PREFERENCES : i have a special place in my heart for horror / dbd / slasher muses , but i don't have a preference per se .

PLOTS OR MEMES : truthfully , i prefer either or . but i love plotting so so much . i love talking about my muse and the potential dynamics between muses as well . it makes me enthusiastic and a little bit more eager to interact with you if we have prior discussions .

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES : i tend to write long replies , but i try to adjust based on the other person . i don't want my replies to be overwhelming for my partners , but at the same time , i'm not gonna limit myself creatively .

BEST TIME TO WRITE : whenever the mood strikes , tbh . but i typically find myself writing during the late afternoons / late evenings . i'm a night owl lol

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S) : hm , in terms of questionable taste in men ? sure lol . but , truthfully , my muse and i do not share any remarkable similarities to each other . tiffany is a hopeless romantic who wears her heart on her sleeve , meanwhile i am somewhat guarded when it comes to both romantic and platonic relationships . the greatest thing we have in common is that we both take time to doll ourselves up ( hair , makeup , the like ) .

TAGGED BY: @sclvged ( thank you , sweetface ! ) TAGGING: @manufactoredxbyxdesign , @leadxxr , @sheldoney / @whyscserious , @tootyfuckingfruity , @corvidamned , and anybody who would like to do this <3

[yankstrash]

i need your advice, i am almost 19 never had a boyfriend or my first kiss and i just feel so sad and i feel like gross about myself and idk on what to do because i just want love and to love a guy; but i feel like i am not pretty enough to get a guy../ if you and kenz could help and id you know luna if y’all can give me advice i would appreciate it

i promise you not having your first kiss or a boyfriend is not as big of a deal as it seems. i didn’t have my first kiss till i was 17 & a senior in high school, & at that time people around me were already having sex & i was like WHAT. it may seem like a big deal but i promise it’s really not, you go at your own pace & do what you’re comfortable with & if you’re not comfortable doing that with anyone then don’t ! it is not worth it. i wish i never kissed the first guy i ever kissed. i wish i didn’t have my first time with the guy i did. hell, i wish i never even met my first boyfriend (because he’s that fucking awful). there’s really no rush for these things because a lot of the time you end up regretting who you share it with & it sucks regretting

i hate that you feel that way about yourself because i can guarantee you it’s not true. i don’t know you or what you look like but i’m telling you you’re beautiful. everyone is beautiful & i hate when people think they’re not just because they’ve never had a relationship. if anything you’re probably too good looking for any of the idiotic men around you & you don’t need any of them.

honestly, boys are fucking nasty. & 99% of them don’t deserve any girl. i wouldn’t even be worried about never having a boyfriend, most boys refuse to settle down & only want to hookup so the girls who want relationships scare them (their loss, not yours). not your fault & nothing to do with you that they can’t keep their dick in their pants & refuse to settle for one person 🫶🏼

self love baby. it’s easier said than done but you’re you & there’s only one of you so love yourself for exactly who you are & the right person will too. when the time is right, the right person will walk into your life & love you the way you’re supposed to be loved. there’s over 7 billion people in this world & you’re 19, you have SO much time to meet someone & a whole world of people to choose from. it’s no problem that you haven’t yet, these things take time & it’s not always easy but i promise you will one day. you haven’t fallen in love yet because the universe hasn’t sent you the person who will give you exactly what you deserve, YET. but it will happen. in time.

you can’t rush what’s meant to be.

i’ve had 3 ex boyfriends & i didn’t love a single one of them. i’m almost 21 & am yet to be in love with a boy & i am the biggest hopeless romantic so it SUCKS but i know that the right boy will come along eventually & that’s not something i want to rush because i want it to be the very right boy. don’t rush it, be patient & it will come.

you ARE beautiful. you’re perfect the way you are. you will meet the person you’re supposed to be with. i love you & i am always here for you.

this goes for EVERYONE. i am always here to talk or try to help. i’m not sure if this helped but i really hope it did.

(at the end of the day, we don’t need boys. boys need us. they’re gross & don’t deserve any of us beautiful ladies)

[saintwisona]

last reblog (cw sex, sexuality and maybe abuse???):

I am a hopeless romantic but. Sex? Lately when I think about it I just. Don't wanna think about it actually lol it's wild, maybe it's cause i'm still sad about losing my partner but I haven't really felt that urge since they left, and it's made me wonder if I enjoyed sex because it felt good or I enjoyed it because she felt good. Like I never really prodded her for it and kind of just made myself available to her when she was in the mood...

I know i've said I am a demi-Lesbian and like, don't usually like sex to begin with so maybe it's just the loss itself that I'm feeling. I don't know.

I think i'm content with never doing it again, because I probably won't ever do it again.

I will still forever be a hopeless romantic and disaster of a person when it comes to falling in and being in love. I think that's one of my biggest shortcomings, how I love so readily and so deeply. Willing to attach myself to whom or whatever if it means I'll be loved in return...it's already caused a significant amount of hurt, more than 1 partner using me and basically SAing me routinely. It's been a journey to unwind those feelings, to accept that they were the problem, and I was a victim. It's taken even longer to be okay with my body, my expression, who I am... and everytime I lose love, I feel myself regress a bit.

But still I love, because there are people worth loving.

[coppermarigolds]

DYW Letter

Hi, Yuletide writer! Apologies for the delay in getting this letter complete. Thank you for your patience, and for whatever you write this year! (I am also perfectly happy to receive treats.) Here are a few notes on my fic preferences:

What I like: Genre-wise, pretty much anything goes–angst, romance, fluff, humor, etc. I love fics that dig into characters’ heads: what they’re thinking and feeling, what drives them, how they interact and react to the world and the people around them, and so on. I also love female characters being awesome. That doesn’t have to mean being physically kickass, either. It could be anything from a witty line of banter to a thoughtful conversation to a creative problem-solving method, just to scratch the surface. I particularly enjoy female characters being assertive and taking charge in romantic relationships. Smut is very welcome, though I typically don’t read anything more hardcore than some light bondage–please no watersports, etc.

What I’m not so into: Rape/non-con is my biggest DNW. I would prefer for character death to be avoided if possible, unless the story deals with the ramifications of a canonical character death. Also, while I’m fine with an angsty story, I tend to avoid fiction that goes full-throttle bleak and hopeless. Angst with a happy–or at least hopeful–ending is much more my jam. Finally, if writing smut, please avoid anything with a female character being dominated by a male character. (Femdom, on the other hand, is encouraged!)

Merge Mansion "What's Grandma Hiding?" Ads, Tim Rockford

Admittedly, I requested this because I love me some Pedro Pascal, especially in that tight white shirt. However, I'm also addicted to the mobile game itself, and am fully up-to-date on the story there, so feel free to include characters and/or story elements from the game as well if you want. But as far as Rockford goes, feel free to take him and his story in any direction you please! Is he a good guy who genuinely wants to solve crimes, or a shady cop who collaborates with bad guys (or somewhere in between)? Does he have a partner/kids at home? (I am, of course, fully here for single-dad-Pedro a la Mandalorian or TLOU if you choose to go in that direction.) How does his job affect his personal life, and vice versa? What's his backstory, and why/how did he get into police work? As far as the mansion-related crimes and mysteries, feel free to go in any direction you want there, as well. I love mysteries of all kinds, so you basically can't go wrong (aside from, as mentioned in my DNWs, no rapes please).

Midnight Mass, Warren Flynn, Leeza Scarborough

I found the ending of this show to be absolutely perfect, and yet I also really want to know what happens next for these two sole survivors. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be a teenager and lose not only your parents, but your entire home and community–and to be unable to talk about it with anyone, because how do you say, “the entire population of my hometown got turned into vampires and burned alive?” In a very real sense, all these two have is each other. How do they explain to the authorities what happened? Are they detained, or at least under suspicion, and how does that turn out? Are they able to stay together, or at least in contact, after the fact, or do they get shuffled off to relatives or foster care? If they do get separated, do they meet up again years down the line? Do they get together/stay together romantically? There’s so much potential to dig into here, and I’d love a story about any or all of it!

Star Wars: The Acolyte, Jecki Lon

I love Jecki and was gutted when she died in canon, so I'd love a story where that just...didn't happen, lol. You could reimagine the rest of the canon events with Jecki surviving, or take the story in a whole different direction. Or, if you prefer to remain canon-compliant, that's fine too! I'd be equally happy with a story set in her past prior to the events of the show, which we of course know very little about. I'm a big fan of mission-fics, if you wanted to write a story about her going on Jedi adventures, with or without other characters. If you want to include other characters, I'd be particularly interested in something focusing on her master/apprentice relationship with Sol, diving deeper into what he's like as a master and how Jecki responds to his methods. I'm especially curious about how he would have approached being a master to another young female Padawan after his fraught experiences with Osha, and how that would have affected Jecki, especially once Osha comes back into the picture. I also love Yord and his relationships with Jecki and Sol, so feel free to include him too if you like. As far as shipping goes, I'm totally down for Jecki/Osha--it was disappointing that they hinted at a possible attraction between them only to immediately kill Jecki off. (Platonic Jecki/Osha friendship would also be completely welcome!)

Star Wars: Outlaws, Kay Vess

I haven't actually finished this game yet, but I'm making good progress on it, so I hope to have it done by Christmas! I absolutely love Kay and would be happy with literally any story about her, past, present, or future. I love how she has so much earnestness and bravado, yet also is dealing with some very real abandonment issues, all while making things up as she goes along, forging through a very big and very messed-up galaxy. A story expanding on her relationship with her mother, whether pre or post-game, would be very welcome. I'm also totally down for mission or heist fic centering on any thorny situations she gets herself into. As far as shipping goes, I don't have any hard-and-fast preferences, but would be very open to Kay/ND-5 (I love his dry sarcasm with her) or Kay/Vail.

True Detective: Night Country, Rose Aguineau

I thoroughly enjoyed this whole season (full disclosure: I have only watched Night Country, not any of the previous TD seasons), and I found Rose particularly fascinating. I would have happily watched a whole show about just her. I'm a huge fan of stories about compelling older women, especially older women who aren't relegated solely to wife/mother roles. And Rose has clearly lived a very interesting life. How, for example, does she know exactly where to go on the ice to dispose of a body--and how to prepare the body so it doesn't resurface? Exactly how many bodies has she been involved in hiding, and why? I'd also love anything relating to her ability to see the dead. Does she ever see any of the people she's killed (or whose bodies she's dumped)? How does she relate to them, and vice versa? What was her reaction the first time she saw a dead person's spirit? If you want to go even further back to her pre-Alaska days, that would be welcome too. I know in the show she says she used to be a professor, but was that really true? And how exactly does one go from professor to ghost-whisperer-body-dumper in the middle of nowhere, Alaska?

I hope these prompts are enough to get some inspiration going, but if you have ideas different from anything I've listed here, please don't feel constrained. I'll enjoy whatever you write. Thanks again, and happy Yuletide!

[ruminate88]

Just an Addiction or True Love? Self discovery era.

Healing Journal 09/14/24 at 8:03 pm

The more I research, read, spend time alone reflecting on my past life AND dig deep inside my soul, I can see the patterns where I chased superficial and emotionally unavailable men blindly and was obsessed with them:

It is possible becuase I did not feel smart growing up; due to external influences from the authorities in my life at the time plus the limiting beliefs created for me in childhood, I then fear being vulnerable and rejected by men I have big crushes on. I was a hopeless romantic and often idealized my relationships. I made up the fairytale endings within my mind and ignored reality. (IT ALL MAKES SENSE)

When Cody love bombed me, it was for sure a fantasy for me. I ate it all up becuase it was everything I had dreamt of in a relationship accept it’s not realistic! Of course I’m going to believe it’s love, like in the movies and hide there. Cody seemingly accepted me but I was putting on my best self too! Then when Cody ghosted me, my biggest fears were confirmed and it’s like a part of me knew I wasn’t good enough; yet I made no changes within myself or within my dating life. I was literally ghosted and saw no problem within my life, other than, Cody is a jerk and I’m this “loving hopeless romantic who is just so innocent.” 😇 🤡

I moved on from Cody but felt sick over him. I was numb and hated myself. Rather than to figure out why I hate myself or why I was so “obsessed with Cody” I HONESTLY just replaced him with Andrew. Suddenly when I’m with Andrew now, he’s doing the same thing to me Cody did. Praising me without end, so I’ll be hooked in the jaw. Andrew is reeling me in and once he had me trapped in his web, it’s like, “Cody who??” Suddenly my WHOLE life is about Andrew!!! I’m 100% totally obsessed with Andrew… but did I ever ask myself why? No. I didn’t stop to think that normal people don’t obsess over their partner. My parents certainly didn’t act obsessed with each other.

I told myself it was “love” and believed becuase it was so hard to walk away from Cody and Andrew, that I must really care about them. I believed I was 100% selfless in the relationships because of how much effort I put in to making them happy but they didn’t seem to care abut me at all. Now it’s some years later, I’m married to a guy who I am NOT obsessed with at all. Yet I feel comfortable to be myself with him for the most part and noting is intense with him. I do NOT feel the same crazy intense emotions I felt with Cody or Andrew. As I learn about emotional abuse, I began to mull over the past and automatically label my exes as emotionally unavailable and blame them for all my emotional barriers and trauma. As if I have a healthy attachment to people and I’m also emotionally stable or available.

I came across some videos that got me really thinking more and looking deeper inside of me. Was it possible, I had a wound from childhood that caused me to fear rejection and feelings of unworthiness. I then chase these emotionally unavailable men becuase I can hide there AND Andrew kept crying, “I’m not good enough for you”. Which actually validates me into thinking I could be a better person than how I feel. I must be sooooo great becuase he doesn’t even feel “worthy of me”. But I’m not so great…. I was made to believe in school I wasn’t capable of doing things for myself without an adult. I battled that lie even now I fight that lie.

Cody and Andrew were superficial, treating me like an object and making me believe I’m only good for sex and I think a part of me was actually subconsciously comfortable there because then I don’t have to face my fears. I can just be their sex toy and get all their attention and praise. I believed they were extremely handsome men so that boosted my ego into thinking I can get handsome men to “want me”. Accept when I’m discarded, now my ego is bruised and I have to face myself. Also I was the family caregiver, I was use to focusing on others and did not like focusing on myself. Another good reason why I would date toxic men who are self centered. Was my reasons for dating them also selfish though?

I feel Andrew gave me many many lessons that have been both painful and insightful. I feel he was a blessing and a curse. I believed I was falling in love with him but the more I walk this healing journey and do more shadow work, its very possible I was just idealizing Andrew. Making up in my head the version I wanted him to be. Making up the version I also wanted to be with him. There’s no “perfect couple”. All this time I’ve been crying inside, “Oh but I loved him so much… why couldn’t he let me love him?” BUT it’s possible I loved the person I wanted him to be. I think I did right by blocking his number and setting him free. I do want what’s best for him and myself. I don’t regret him truly. Especially if he’s the one to make me self aware and open my eyes to truths about myself. He can be the bridge from the old me to the person I’m becoming. I’ve NEVER loved myself and the way Andrew hurt me, it forced me to lose me to the point I needed to hit the reset button. This is progress ❤️‍🩹 A year ago I was angry at him and going through major withdrawals. Right now, I’m actually excited to be growing as a person and I want the same for him. I do pray he’s also becoming self aware and in his “self discovery” era. How fire would that be? But I have to stay focused on my own path no matter what and leave him behind ❤️‍🩹 it’s been painful cuz I’m not just “losing him” but “losing the old me and beliefs.”

[user5726816393]

A couple months since my last post, tonight seems as good a night as any. Attended the wedding of the first friend I made in Chicago, and boooooy, it was so nice. The location, the ceremony, the shuttle, the dinner. Magnifque. *chef's kiss* All while still feeling like a really small and personal event. The vows and words shared by homeboy's bride and her sister genuinely brought a tear to my eye. They really spoke from the heart and it showed.

And in the midst of this beautiful display, I couldn't help but feel a literal stabbing pain in my chest. My biggest insecurity: that I'm single as fuck. I've made strides in my career, my personal life balance is in a good place, my finances... well, that's not going too great, but my mental can handle that. Everything else outside of my dating life is achievable with hard work and a bit of guts.

But dating??? Ugh. I've told the same fucking story over and over: "I'm not looking, I'm focusing on myself, if it happens it happens." God, I'm fucking begging you, make it happen. LOL. I'm lying to people through my fucking teeth, I want it SO BAD. But it can't be just anyone, it has to be the right one. I'm such a realist with every other aspect of my life, that if I caught cancer, I honestly wouldn't even be that phased. That's life, if it plays put that way, that's just the hand I'm dealt.

But when it comes to my love life, I'm still a hopeless romantic. And I blame all these fucking people with their perfect relationships and their perfect weddings. Y'all got me fucked up. And it's because of these unrealistic expectations that it's fucking me up, because I've set the bar so high, that I don't want to try and force things to happen if something ain't there.

But as the realist in me will note, and as my friends back home would say: you don't shoot, you don't score. You're an ugly, nerdy ass short motherfucker. If you don't hustle and make moves, you ain't gonna get shit. Girls aren't gonna just fall in your lap. And you know what, yeah, you're right. But I want the girl who wants that quiet, ugly, nerdy ass short motherfucker. The loud, fun, extroverted life of the party motherfucker ain't me.

And therein lies the problem. How does one find their forever person, one who adores them for who they are, when the person they are is the kind of person who doesn't put themselves out there? The kind of person who doesn't to play the game, and who doesn't want the chase.

"Bro, you're asking for a lot, and not wanting to put in the work." Yeah, I am, but in my head, it's not supposed to be work. It's just supposed to be right. But at the same time, these expectations scream, "then when the time is right, it'll work out. Stop stressing and let life run its course." ... yeah. That's true too. But man, it's really lonesome seeing people find their other half while sitting here waiting for mine to stumble in.

Maybe I'll never find that person. Maybe I should be ready for if it never happens, and learn to be happy and sufficient by myself. But man, I hope it never comes to that.

[lovecomesin]

30 Days After 30 (Part 1)

Thirty days ago I entered into the newest journey of my adulthood, 30 years of life. I had always imagined what my life at 30 would or could look like but I never could’ve possibly imagined that I would be here. Where exactly is here you ask? I’ll tell you: 30 with my own house, a new car, the dog I always wanted, with an easy job and life is truly perfect and feels so good. I am still single and have officially been so for the past 6 years since I broke up with Jordan. I have had romantic encounters since then but none worth mentoring now nor revisiting either. This new stage of life for me is so personal its feels as if it has manifested into its own form. I am so motivated and determined to live a life that is pleasing to God and myself that I cannot even begin to move in the ways that I used to. There were so many moments in my past life where I was truly unhappy, confused and abused and I stayed simply because I had already been there for so long. I did not love myself to the fullest nor did I stand up for myself as fiercely as I deserved. No more! It is directly my responsibility to showcase the life I want to live for myself. So I will give God, this life and this world all of my healthy love, light and joy that I have found. Life has truly been beautiful in a way that I haven’t experienced before. There was a major shift and I am different now. You would have to meet me again to even understand who I am now. I know now more than ever that I have to be the blueprint for the life I want. I am the one who shows people how I want and deserve to be treated. No more making myself smaller to easily be digested. No more ignoring my boundaries and desires to appease others. And no more getting in the way of my own happiness. A huge lesson that I learned was I was a part of the problem. I played a huge role in the story of my life during my 20’s. I allowed bad friends to linger to long, bad relationships to linger to long and bad behavior to linger to long. I thought by giving more of myself to people they would see just how amazing I was and finally do right by me. I adore myself for my ability to love even when others are not loving me in the way that I desire. Just as I adore myself for being a hopeless romantic for the better part of my whole life. I am taking this time now to say farewell to the hopeless romantic that is Ebony Walker. I no longer wish to be a fool in love who always hopes for the best outcome even when the terrible truth is right before my eyes. The girl who laughs in the face of danger and gives anyone who dares to date her a chance simply because they requested it. The woman that I am practices discernment. As a woman who is the head of my household I have to make sure my house is in order first and foremost. I have to make sure that the decisions I am making make me happy and honor myself and the God I serve. I have been beyond disgusted with the behaviors and relationships where I allowed such vile situations to happen but no more. I look to the future with my head held high and a huge smile. I am finally free. Leaving childish things behind was a choice only I could make and I would only be able to make it when I was tired enough and I was exhausted. I do not want to get back into a place where I consistently teach people that I come second in comparison to everything else. I do not want to go back to loveless relationships that make me feel lonely and miserable. I do not want to go back to friendships where I was used and not supported. Getting a house at 27 was one of the biggest moments of my life and I still wasn’t prepared for the major shift that followed. I can proudly say at 30 that I have it down packed and I’m continuing to love this journey into my adult life. I do not grieve those that I have lost along the way because it is that very loss that lead me to the greatest joy and blessings. I’m not even certain if I would have been able to be in the place that I am now if not for the major shift and declassification of those relationships.

[genshinimpactlife]

Saw your matchup requests were open and I was quite intrigued by the idea for a while now so I thought I’d send one in <3

I am a non-binary person and my preferred pronouns are they/them, although I’m quite alright with being called he/him, it/its and xe/xem too! As for my sexual orientation, I’m bisexual (although with a small preference for men).

I’d like a sfw and nsfw match-up please!

My favorite colors are grey/blue/white and my favorite seasons are autumn and winter, along with spring. My favorite music artist are cigarettes after sex, d4vd, tame impala and coldplay! I like to wear anything pretty, if socially perceived as feminine or masculine doesn’t matter to me. I wear what I feel amazing in and if someone has a problem with that then they can go cry in a corner :P

I have quite the sharp tongue, usually saying things as they are and being as direct as you could possibly be. Although I have my moments when I try to sweet talk things, so the other party doesn’t get hurt. I don’t like to present myself as a good person, I’m actually trying the best in my ability to get people to hate me, as it’s easier being hated by someone you don’t have a connection with rather than being hurt by someone that one has grown a connection with.

The warmth of physical touch is something I can’t stand, at least when it comes to family. I am an ambivert, and while I like to remain unseen to be able to mind my own business without interruption, interaction with others that I can imagine a conversation with is of interest to me. While I’m usually the quiet friend as I tend to remain in my own thoughts being a great thinker, I can have my moments. In said moments I tend to crack quite a plentiful of jokes and laugh to the occasion. One might actually forget how reserved and silent I was just a few seconds ago. My jokes are mostly lewd or sarastic, although most funny things consist of things I accidentally say and has people laughing for hours after…

I am an open minded person, just think it’s a necessary trait that no one should get praised for as it is the bare minimum. I’m quite open to hear anyones opinion. I like to stick to the facts and first-hand experience, so coming with some otherworldly stuff that has no retraceable evidence or just plain ignorance will be enough to get my interest in you to zero, though. I am terrible at dealing with emotions and while I will always be there to lend you a helping hand in the best of my ability and listening to your troubles, I am not capable of giving proper comfort.

Physical affection is my biggest love language in giving and receiving (although only with my s/o), with words of affirmation being the one I love receiving (also only with my s/o). Being touch and love starved from events in my childhood seem to have created a huge need for it in romantic relationships now. I hate to admit that I can’t handle certain things on my own and asking for help or a favor is very difficult for me. While I have been in romantic connections before, they were never too special so I fell out of love all too quickly again. I am always too worried that I’m too distant to my lover, that I’m not giving them enough/the equal amount of love and affection, especially in polyamorous relationships.

I am a hopeless romantic and I drown myself in romantic scenarios, daydreams and stories (mostly tooth rotting fluff in fanfictions). My favorite genre in published books is mostly mystery and dark-fantasy, along with queer novella.

I have been hurt many times in my life, which has lead me to setting my emotions on ice for most and protecting myself by creating a rough exterior. I would like someone in my life who can see (or conclude to) the reason why I am so distant and try to come close to me. Someone who is persistent but knows when to take a hint. Someone who is quite a bit more of the opposite of my own demeanor, someone good with words and a great spirit, one that is kind and free-willed and might go watch the sunset or the sky full of stars with me.

Interests of mine include drawing, painting, daydreaming, writing, true crime, marine life and questions of philosophy, along with music and the practice of living in solitude.

I enjoy browsing about new things that I didn’t know about before and listen to music all day long, it mostly accompanying me on my daily activities.

My favorite weather is cloudy, best if it rains along with it in medium intensity.

For the nsfw part:

I am a switch. I love giving to no end, I want to show my partner how beautiful they are to me and how much I love them. Kissing is one of my favorite things, if on the lips or anywhere else, as long as it’s with them, I’ll love it! I have a couple of kinks some of them being voyeurism, praising and degrading. Above all, vanilla sex is my preference as it is the most intimate, though I also don’t mind bdsm themes as long as it’s not the main practice. When I’m receiving, I tend to be quite needy and touchy, wanting their tongue in my mouth as much as possible and their chest flush against mine. I am quite vocal, with the intention of telling my beloved just how good they make me feel.

I absolutely adore, both in giving and receiving, creampies, along with overstimulation and edging, hair pulling, marking and nipple play. In addition to that I like being blindfolded and fingered, also getting additional stimulation from things like tiny vibrators.

My partners voice has to be honeyed, for I love dirty talk, whispers in my ear and a melody of beautiful moans and whimpers just for me.

I went a bit out on this one, I hope you don’t mind how long it is and thank you <3

I would match you with...

I know you said you have a slight preference for men, but Beidou was just screaming for this matchup.

100% Playful Enemy to lovers situation

Beidou has just as sharp of a tongue and can dish back what you serve.

When you two start growing close, and you show more of your funny and joking side, she starts falling for you.

She is never phased by your lewd or sarcastic comments. She throws them right back with a smirk.

She takes her time with you as she can sense your hesitation and the walls you have put up. She is the one who will take the time to chip away at them.

Your first date consisted of curling up under the stars while Beidou points out each one of importance. After a life at sea under the stars, she knows a surprising amount.

She doesn't have an issue with your being touched starved. She will always have an arm around you, a hand on your thigh, and cuddles with you in private.

She randomly reassures you when she senses your anxiety about how much she loves you, and how wonderful of a partner you are. NSFW Below

Beidou is also a switch.

She could kiss you for hours just because she loves the way your lips feel against hers.

She's big on degrading you and then immediately praising you after.

"Can you not keep up, pretty thing?

Beidou is good with both intimate vanilla sex or fucking.

She loves being on top, slowly fingering you as you two make out, chest to chest.

Beidou loves using toys on you. She loves watching you squirm as she overstimulates you.

Beidou is very vocal, especially when you are the one in control. Lots of moans and whines and asking you for more

I love how long it is!! it makes it easier for me to write these! I hope you enjoy <3

[moa-broke-me]

If Percy Jackson had Bojack Horseman's writers:

Leo: "Y'know I look up to you, Percy, right? Like... Really. As a hero, as a comedian... As a person."

Percy: "Uh huh."

Leo: "... Kind of a lot. And I really wanna hang out more. But... You always hold me at arm's length, and I just... Don't understand why. You don't do that with any of your other friends."

Percy: "Because you're not my friend, Leo. You might be on my team, and I might defend you when shit hits the fan, but you're not my friend. I don't like hanging out with you."

Leo: "You don't? What don't you like about me?"

Percy: "You want me to make a list? You're annoying, for one. And that's just the start. You constantly insult everyone around you, including people you call your friends, all in a doomed attempt at being funny, guess what douchebag? You're not! And you're the biggest liar I've ever met, you act like such an egomaniac one moment, and then a pitiful self-deprecating loser the next. You're completely two-faced, and at this point, I'm not sure which face is uglier. You're clingy and desperate and can't shut up for five seconds, yet you value machines on the same level as actual, real life people, and you don't even seem to realize how insulting that is!"

Leo: "Festus is a person!"

Percy: "No he's not! And he's not a pet either, he's a toy! A very big, complex, dangerous toy! He's not alive like we are, he's a big bundle of wires and gears and lines of code, and the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the better. And another thing, you're a big old manwhore!"

Leo: "I am not a manwhore! I'm a hopeless romantic!"

Percy: "Sure, sure, keep telling yourself that while you shamelessly flirt with woman after woman after woman, all of which are so obviously out of your league that even you, Mr. 'I'm not good with people and feelings because I'm too smart to be a not-asshole', must know you don't have a chance with them. And then, when they inevitably reject you, you just move onto the next one like the last one doesn't exist anymore! And guess what? The only reason you even have a girlfriend now is because she was stuck with you! She had no choice but to fall in love with you, so she did, and you think that's some kind of victory, but it's not! She's already sick of you, And I can't blame her. Why? Well, see above."

Leo: "... What the hell is wrong with you, man? No, y'know what? Let me tell you, because you seem to think there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with you at all. Your problem is you've never had to try. The first time you fell in love, it just so happened to be with someone who loved you back. You've never been rejected, you never had to move on and try again. You got lucky, and you think that makes you better than me, but it doesn't. I just... I just wanna be loved. And somehow, that makes me a bad person."

[libbee]

8th house synastry and OBSESSION

First of all, I did not know anything about 8th house synastry before it happened to me. I'm writing this to share my raw personal experience. Perhaps it will help someone someday, or it will assist other astrology students to learn about this strange synastry.

About me: I am scorpio ascendant with moon and venus in 8th house in Gemini. My romantic situationship (very toxic) happened with Aries ascendant, moon in 3rd house in Gemini and venus in 2nd house in Taurus.

Before the synastry happened: I was a normal happy girl. Young, naive, clueless, hopeless romantic, emotional, black and white thinking, obsessive personality, addiction prone personality, atheist, emotional rollercoaster, used to read astrology for future prediction, browsed a lot of memes, hated reading books, maladaptive daydreaming and mental rumination.

My life before 8th house synastry: Things were getting tougher in all aspects of my life but I did not think much about it.

During 8th house synastry: I became obsessed with this man. I used to talk to him in my daydreams and fantasies. Unfortunately he was a womanizer predator alcoholic cheater liar and manipulator but I was just obsessed with him. We were not even in a relationship but I was OBSESSED. I forgot the whole world. It started so subtle and then it consumed me like a demon. I was no more the same person. I started telling him my dark childhood secrets and family secrets. I was in a storm of emotions and craziness. The whole world ceased to exist for me. My mind was a mess. I used to daydream all day about him. I was not even interested in him as a person. I was just obsessed with a mental image of him. I pictured him like a perfect person with no flaws. Somewhere deep down in my heart, I was deeply insecure about myself. This man was taking advantage of me and I let him. My obsession lasted 3 years! I did not know how to get it of it. I did not know why it happened in the first place.

How i broke my obsession: self transformation. Personality change. Brutal honesty with myself and what was lacking in my life. Complete change of identity. Facing my weaknesses and failures.

My life after 8th house synastry: I am calmer. Interested in occult. Self aware. A part of me has died sometimes back. I feel like a ghost has left my body. I was so exhausted and tired. I was so drained and empty. My whole life broke down. Studies hobbies family life and my identity. then I made everything from ground. I quit my vices (porn binge eating Maladaptive Daydreaming envy jealousy). My self confidence has shot up. My self esteem has improved. I am very spiritual now.

What was the 8th house synastry like? We talked about me mostly. I overshare everything. My childhood, problems, psychological issues, secrets. After I figured out he was a wrong man, I sent him many emails expressing my anger frustration etc. I was so frustrated that I was going through a strange obsession that nobody else was going through. It had ruined my life. The obsession itself was crazy. I used to talk to him in my head. I would rehearse all the conversations in my head. My mood depended on how he treated me.

It was the worst mistake of my life and the biggest life detour.

A part of me has died. I dont remember who I was before this. I dont remember the girl who talked to this man. I dont remember anything or anyone. I dont have victim mindset. I have no desires for relationship. I have no desire for romance. I am interested in spirituality and philosophy. I am interested in occult and esoteric. A part of me has died with this obsession.

Am I happy with this transformation? No. If I had the choice I would go for a normal life.

What did the obsession feel like? Blinding. Crazy. Brainless. Mindless. Emotional fool.

How did it improve my occult practice? I became very spiritual and firm believer of astrology. I am skeptic but also have a firm believer.

How did it change my love life? I dont know. I am single.

What placements are in my 8th house? Moon and venus. Both of them are so pretty feminine. These two beauties in a harsh house. These beauties in a storm. Two beauties in a graveyard haunted by the ghosts of 8th house.

Any advice to others? It is destiny. It is fate. 8th house synastry (moon in my case) was like the death of old me and birth of new me. I dont think it could be prevented. I knew the red flags but ignored them. I knew how wrong it was but ignored it. It was destined to happen.

[occasionally-good-authoring]

fortune favors the bold (and i am a coward)

kinda maybe came up with the title first and didn’t entirely follow it but damn, i think i did something with the wording.

liking doesn’t do anything, so please reblog so others can enjoy it like you did!

tw: smoking

@xanadaus

Moonlight is sewn into Simon’s hair as he laughs, loud and bright. Jace hangs onto every word he says like they’re the last things she’ll hear. He doesn’t understand any of it, but god are his words beautiful. Simon’s hands move as they talk, simple movements with freckled arms. Jace just watches him, like a character in a movie that she watched so long ago and has now turned to gold in their memory. 

It is just them, sitting on the roof of the Institute, a pack of cigarettes between them, still almost full. Smoke hangs in the air, filling Jace’s lungs while Simon’s is held forgotten in their left hand. The smoke hurts in a wonderful way, like the sting in his knuckles after using the punching bag. They are alone up here, wind soft on their cheeks. Alone together with Simon’s beautiful words and the sweet, acidic smoke. Jace can pretend that this is how it will always be, just them and Simon together. 

But it won’t be. Simon’s beautiful words aren’t his to keep, or have. They’re Maia’s. Simon’s words are for Maia to have. So Jace sits on the roof, alone with the most beautiful person she’s ever seen.

.

Simon’s smiling widely, the kind of smile he only has around Maia, then one they used to wear around Clary. Jordan’s voice fills the coffee shop, strong and loud but the sweetest sound is Simon’s guitar. 

He’s dancing around the best they can, leaning into his mic whenever Jordan needs background vocals. She can barely hear his voice, but when they do it sounds just as beautiful as the way he talks. 

“You’re an idiot, you know that right?” Izzy says. Jace takes a drink of his coffee, Izzy shakes her head and punches Jace’s arm lightly. “The biggest idiot ever.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He takes another drink, wishing they could pull a cigarette out and fill their lungs with that painful smoke. 

“Jace, you look at Simon like he hung the stars.” Jace’s throat tightens. 

“And you look at Clary like she painted the Mona Lisa, I don’t see the problem here.” Izzy stares at Jace for a bit, disbelief clear on her face. Then she laughs.

“Clary is my girlfriend who I am very much in love with, thank you very much for proving my point.” Jace doesn’t respond. Izzy sighs. “Look, I know you love him, or at least like him a whole hell of a lot. I also know you probably won’t do anything about it, but you should. Tell him, I mean.”

“I can’t.” She could, they dream of it. They dream of a confession where Simon laughs and kisses him. But that’s all it is.

The dream of a hopeless romantic who’s never fell in love before this. 

“Okay,” Izzy says quietly. Jace goes back to watching Simon, the lights reflecting off their glasses. Smiling and laughing while he dances around, playing his guitar and singing with his beautiful words.  

Izzy rubs their shoulder, standing up, leaving her untouched coffee for Jace. It stays untouched as she stays lost in Simon’s beauty. 

“I don’t love him,” Jace says in a whisper to no one. “I don’t.”

.

Simon’s broken up with Maia, has been for a while now, and he’s smiling wide. They’re dancing around the kitchen on his and Jordan’s apartment, screaming along to Simon’s playlist of happy music on repeat. Sunlight filters through the blind, while Jace watches them with a smile on his face.

They see a spatula lying on the counter, smiling even wider and grabbing it, singing loudly into it like a microphone. The sunlight is weaved into his brown hair, breathtaking in the yellow light. Simon laughs and reaches out of Jace, a pristine hand reaching out for her scarred ones. 

He grabs it, letting Simon pull them into his frenzied spinning dance. Smiles and laughs fill the sunlit room, music flowing over them in waves of beautiful chords. Simon’s smiles are so bright, as if he’s made if sunlight himself, melting Jace in the best way possible. 

She’s in love, so beautiful in love with his own sun, like Icarus who’s already flown too close. They’ve fallen horrible with a being made of laughter and beauty. Spinning around in a wonderful orbit, and they are in love. Izzy was right and they are in love. A beautiful pain of love.

“You have no idea how to dance, do you?” Simon asks, breathless and flushed. 

“Wasn’t a training requirement,” Jace says. Simon shakes his head, and grabs his phone.

“You’re about to get the best lesson you’ve ever had, Pretty Boy.” For once, Jace recognizes the song Simon’s playing. City of Angels shakes in Jace’s ears, Em Beiholds voice loud and soft at the same time. 

“What now?”

“Do whatever you want along with the music. Jump, spin, wave your arms around like a madman. Boom dancing.” 

“That’s bullshit, Lewis.” Simon shakes his head with a fond sigh. 

“Just do it, trust me here. Who’s the one in a successful band?” Jace gives up, and begins to spin in time with the beat of the music. And a smile grows, maybe even as wide as the ones Simon wears when he’s on stage. 

The sun watches Icarus, already fallen, and maybe starts to fall himself.

.

They’re on the roof again, it’s quiet this time. A sunset, painted in the watercolors of night falling basks them in orange pinks. Cigarette smoke sticks in the air, yet again, and they both breathe it in. 

Simon’s hand sits dangerously close to Jace’s and he cannot breathe. The orange sits in his glasses, a cigarette between his lips that looks so damn kissable right now. 

She is in love, and Simon is the sun. And he would fall over and over again and deal with this terrible pain of love untold, like the acidic sweetness of the smoke in their lungs.