#my anxiety is having a flare up

[cactusdodes]

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[icewindandboringhorror]

Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!

[willesredlights]

The thing is that I actually really want to make bracelets for when I go to Omar's show in Antwerp because I just really like the idea and I do really like making these bracelets but knowing myself I'll be too shy and scared to actually give them to people so yeah. I also do not want to do all the effort and then end up not giving them to people.

[accursedvoid]

Y’all ever just be vibing and then BAM! the existential anxiety and dread of the world today just hits you and you have an hour or so just mentally having a bad time about it - then it’s back to vibing and we start the cycle again.

[heartshattering]

5 AM

Just me and my overactive mind facing the nighttime again 🙃

[jencsi]

I've put up a good fight with this over the past 2 years, but my brain simply cannot get over the trauma of being so sick on Christmas Eve/Day 2022. It has consumed every aspect of my life since then. Every single odd feeling in my gut, every food that "tastes weird" every recall I read about, every time someone says they feel sick or confirm that they or their child is actually sick, sends me spiraling into a contamination OCD nightmare.

I was smart and careful with handwashing, food choices, avoiding restaurants, take out etc. I don't gather in groups much anyways even prior to the pandemic, the very limited family gatherings I do have during the year, are the ones I am trying to stay healthy for.

I requested Christmas Eve off last year and everything went smoothly but my anxiety was high. It triggered an IBS flare up and some issues during the party (I was starting my period early and didn't know it so I panicked and thought I had norovirus again) I barely survived that night.

For 2024, I requested December 20th-25th off so I could hole myself up at my home and avoid people and places so I could be illness free for the big family Christmas Eve gathering. Everything was going smoothly with this until my boss's kid contracted a stomach bug and was sick on Monday 12-16 through Wednesday 12-18. Despite having 0 contact with her prior to this, I have been spiraling ever since. I feared she would get sick next (she didn't) but it's only been 5 days. I worked with her for two and a half hours on Thursday 12-19 and I avoided her like the plague. I got to leave early and start my PTO. (I would not be spiraling so hard these last few days if it wasn’t for this event) Every day since then I have sat here stewing in my own anxiety, eating only "safe foods", making my last trip to a store on the 20th, refusing to eat any of the food my parents made out of fear of illness.

All of this has been incredibly draining and difficult to maintain. This is the worst PTO I have ever used. I can't even enjoy it. Trying to avoid the most contagious, most violent, distressing sickness has been a battle. And I'm still not 100% safe in my crazy OCD brain. Thinking back to 12-24-22 and how things were so good and how quickly they spiraled into madness, the acute timing of it, hour by hour, how fresh and vivid the memory of that night is, and how my health has not been the same since is adding to the stress and anxiety. You do not simply "get over" a stomach bug these days. You are never "out of the woods" no matter how many days have passed since you think you've been exposed. I would trade so much to have the life back that I had prior to this.

It is frustrating to watch everyone around me eat restaurant food, eat more food choices than I can without a care in the world in regards to their health.

I should love the holiday. My regular depression was getting better before health anxiety consumed me. I should not be living like this. As a society we need to do better at curbing the risk factor and spread factor for gastrointestinal illnesses, especially around the holidays. I would even go so far as to say this is worse than COVID I had twice. I would rather have that!

All of this, all of this to deal with, to be exhausted by daily. I feel like I have been running a marathon at the start of every year and the finish line (if I am lucky) is a sickness free holiday. In parallel, I feel as if my entire life has been leading up to Christmas Eve and Day and I could be doomed or I come out unscathed.

The unknown is the bitch of it.

[heartual]

[revenantghost]

What if, instead of being a responsible adult, I rewatched Tristamp again. What then.

[minminambus]

Forever going to bite the walls and shake tables over casual expressions of ableism. It’s basic human respect to acknowledge and provide understanding for someone’s illness / condition / disability.

[camijhk]

HELLO EVERYBODY!

sorry for not being active ! i’ve been BUSY with work nd figuring out how the hell im gonna do artfight this year but don’t worry guys give me like three days or so and ill return back to factory settings,

aka, cool cami 😎

(here is my dog oreo laying on the ground with his diaper on i thought it was funny)

[firewoodfigs]

I’m gonna regret sleeping at 3am tmr morning but I got possessed by a terrible fic idea and managed to shove it into a 5+1 format (which works great for lazy cods like yours truly) LMAO

[barbieidol]

i'm begging for this day to be chill

[kimtaegis]

hate to say it but july kinda sucked

[unimportantweirdo]

let's play my favourite game; why am i crying?

[danielnelsen]

always fun to remind myself of the side effects of my thyroid meds

[acespeon]

I bought melatonin gummies

at this point I'm desperate for some good fucking sleep