#my anxiety is having a flare up
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#my anxiety is having a flare up#i don't think you really use 'flare ups' in the context of anxiety bc it doesn't work that way really but that's what it feels like for me#lately#like i feel like in general my anxiety has gotten a lot better lately. i still have a slight hum of underlying anxiety but i've been pretty#good at ignoring it and getting over it the last yearish but sometimes it's harder to ignore and gets a lil worse for short periods#esp when it comes to my relationships/interactions with people#bc i have no reason to think that the person i'm seeing 'n' has lost interest in me#but they haven't been texting me as much as they usually do the last few days and my anxiety is picking up and ignoring all the#very logical explanations and very extremely likely reasons#they're moving this weekend and didn't really start packing until last week so i know they're busy with that#ontop of everything else they do and work and everything. i know they're super fucking busy rn#and i was also out of town on a trip and they're def the type of person that was probably thinking they don't want to pester me on my trip#(they wouldn't have been)#and also like. they stopped by my job the night before i left to bring me my contact lenses and they were so smiley and excited to see me#even though it was just for a couple minutes#and they facetimed me right before my friend and i left for our trip just to talk to me for a bit and see my face#and they were again so smiley and really seemed like they liked me#so yeah.. logically i know i'm overthinking it and they're not annoyed with me#i know it's just that they're busy. the few other times they've been a little dry with texting was when they#we're super busy/going through some shit#so like i know that's all it is realistically#but my stupid anxiety and self worth issues always automatically going to 'you annoyed them. you fucked something up. they finally realized#you're not actually cool or hot and hot over you but are too sweet to tell you'#which i know is dumb#it's also not fair to them to assume that#it's not fair to them to think that of them#i just like them so much 🥺 but i do know they like me back#they've told me and they act like it#i just get scared#blake says shit
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Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!
#cats#holiday#OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few#days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below)#My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart#rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart#so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag#and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day#last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few#hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent#ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect#because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make#me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these#'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a#few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is#getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better#and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo#I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm..#pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c#Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after#like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread...#I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was#doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally#ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully#whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos#ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever.#And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely#though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart#stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive#things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***
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The thing is that I actually really want to make bracelets for when I go to Omar's show in Antwerp because I just really like the idea and I do really like making these bracelets but knowing myself I'll be too shy and scared to actually give them to people so yeah. I also do not want to do all the effort and then end up not giving them to people.
#like i really really want to do this#cuz i have lot of time in december and january#but i also now when the moment is there i will be panicking#my social anxiety will flare up#and i know if i end up not giving them to people i will be sad too#so yeah#idk#omar rudberg
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i think i just need to rewatch lost.
#that will fix me i think.#because i am doing. bad. i know i have not been keeping this a secret but i feel very stuck and i don't really know what to do.#my general anxiety levels are much higher than they usually are and um. i don't really know why. which then just makes it worse.#and i feel so down and hopeless. i can't make myself feel excited about things. i have hardly any motivation#and no energy to do anything even if i did#like yellowjackets s3 starting production and i just don't feel excited about it and it's making me really sad#and I'm getting upset about things that i feel silly for getting upset about and i can't say anything because I'm embarrassed#for being upset in the first place#i feel so incredibly disconnected from everyone around me it's so hard to talk to anyone#I'm running on autopilot most of the time at the moment#and I'm finding it so hard not to push people away. but at the same time i feel so out of place and I'm dissociating a lot so.#idk whay I'm saying with this#i just feel like i need to get stuff out because i feel so anxious i might explode#and with the weather getting warmer a lot of my physical symptoms are flaring up. anf being in this house is so suffocating#i feel like i can inly exist in this perpetual state of fine. can't be any worse can't be any better#I'm just constantly pretending that I'm just Okay because it's easier than having to deal wirh anything else. but i know I'm really just#causing myself more harm.#I'm done now. just trying to relieve some of the pressure i am feeling in my whole entire body.
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Y’all ever just be vibing and then BAM! the existential anxiety and dread of the world today just hits you and you have an hour or so just mentally having a bad time about it - then it’s back to vibing and we start the cycle again.
#it is what it is#I sure do love the existential dread flare ups bc there really isn’t anything you can do but keep on trucking as best you can :)#existential dread#climate anxiety#just in general#future anxiety#anxiety#my post#accursed rambles#this is why I just don’t watch news etc anymore I really can’t handle how much bad shit happens man#I’m well aware if I take more of it in it’s gonna fuck up my own mental health and I don’t need that#(this doesn’t mean I don’t care just I’m exhausted and I don’t have the spoons)
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5 AM
Just me and my overactive mind facing the nighttime again 🙃
#hopefully the meds work but while waiting for them to kick in I get so damn nervous#and sometimes I do get nights where even on my full dose my anxiety is too overpowering and I just. Do Not Sleep#I mean I do eventually but not without spiraling first :')#way before I was prescribed sleep meds my longest was 3 nights without sleep while on a VERY stressful trip#I felt like I was gonna die and I did not sleep until I got off the plane and was back at home#(this was like 15 years ago already but it still haunts me fhfgsgdh)#my best friend and I were having a conversation today#and she was like 'not sleeping can make you hallucinate right?'#and I was like :') I get the hallucinations in other scenarios too#BUT I also get what she meant#not sleeping is really bad for me mentally which is why I can't do 'sleep restriction therapy'#and fun fact#a lot of my OCD obsessions revolve around sleep!!!#which is 'awesome' because laying in bed with insomnia makes my OCD flare up so like#the two get to feed off each other and make my life a living hell!!!#and don't even get me started on my sleep paralysis episodes#(which I like to think of as just my brain misfiring but that my aunt tells me is saints or demons trying to talk to me)#'cause she hallucinates too but hers are like 'spiritual' or whatever#same with my mom's hallucinations as well#and to add fuel to the dumpster fire of my mind and body is the fact I've been overcaffeinating again#which I've known not to do ever since I was in middle school and saw the pediatric cardiologist who specifically said 'hey don't do that'#fast-forward to adulthood and I still haven't learned how to handle anything#like. I have heart meds and sleep meds and migraine meds and IBS meds#and yes meds are good but like. I know you need to incorporate lifestyle changes as well#which I do for like 2 weeks until the next time I fuck up#I've been so irresponsible lately but like. ESPECIALLY today#didn't eat#took some meds on an empty stomach and forgot to take my other ones at all#had too much caffeine#stressed out over some stupid situations thanks to overthinking
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#🍄.txt#putting away clothes feeling overheated and dizzy and getting overstimulated bc everything makes me feel sick and crying about it for 5 mins#i feel really normal about things and react appropriately#so maybe heartburn and chest pain flare ups all day yesterday did a lil number on me#decided not to shower before coming up to bed because i was exhausted and didn’t feel like coming out of the shower dizzy#and feeling even more overstimulated because i feel so dirty because i showered the night before and not in the morning#and remembering i have to go out and see family later that i don’t think i can get out of because my cousin has the guiltripper gene#and liked using it against me so i’ll probably never hear the end of it#i love being overstimulated like actually the only thing that’ll fix me is killing myself#laying in bed feeling paralyzed and dirty because my hair and my face feel oily ok#hair on my pillow i need to wash. ok#i feel really normal about this#not at all like i can’t remember the last time i took my anxiety medication this past week
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What if, instead of being a responsible adult, I rewatched Tristamp again. What then.
#Yadda yadda#I legit think I might start it#I have no method of transportation and I can't look for work or craft or write or anything wit all my physical crap flaring up#And I may have had an anxiety attack this morning lmao#NOT TO MENTION I need to rest my back so maybe it heals#And I can't focus enough to read much#That's it I've talked myself into it
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HELLO EVERYBODY!
sorry for not being active ! i’ve been BUSY with work nd figuring out how the hell im gonna do artfight this year but don’t worry guys give me like three days or so and ill return back to factory settings,
aka, cool cami 😎
(here is my dog oreo laying on the ground with his diaper on i thought it was funny)
#skyepost#update#sorry for not being active !!!#i shall have new art soon hopefully!!#work has been killing my feet and my anxiety’s flaring up now that i’m not in school!#living life each day one at a time!#gonna go get food hehe
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I’m gonna regret sleeping at 3am tmr morning but I got possessed by a terrible fic idea and managed to shove it into a 5+1 format (which works great for lazy cods like yours truly) LMAO
#(and it might be my first E-rated fic… rip. E but not for everyone ok)#once again i have proven to myself that i am only remotely productive when my old friend anxiety flares up#you know! like a bitch!!!
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Ugh, Im meeting up with some friends today and I Know its gonna be fun -- we’re going for some drinks, maybe food, and then to the theatre -- but right now Im sitting here stressing out like "the fuck, anxiety, could you give me a break??" this is ridiculous xd
#personal#vent#Raksh posts#dont mind me#just had to vent my frustration and stress put#out*#I still have like almost three hours to my train#but this whole thing is giving me so much anxiety ugh#can I be normal? for once? about Any social interaction??#also my allergy is having a flare up#so Im all glassy eyed with my nose stuffed and its Unpleasant to say the least#plus the weather ughh all rainy and gloomy and gray#I dont wike it#but anyway#gonna try and distract myself until its time to get going
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i'm begging for this day to be chill
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hate to say it but july kinda sucked
#please let me whine and list all the things that have troubled me this month#first off having to get serious about my master thesis and everything taking so much longer than I want it to (the anxiety. wow)#and mentally preparing to tackle two jobs AND finishing the thesis all at once soon (how......am I gonna do that)#well then ofc my car breaking down and having to spend my last savings on a new one#generally having to spend a shit load of money. all my money. gone within 2 months#wanting to have a big birthday party so badly only for it to get so stressful and Too Much for my introverted perfectionist ass#that I was the first and only one to feel (physically and mentally) sick about four hours in and had to leave my guests on their own#the usual old struggles flaring up again (as in too high expectations towards everything and everyone and myself that leave me disappointed#and on a more irrelevant note lmao: being one of the few people who doesn’t seem to have enjoyed barbenheimer that much?#same for jk’s solo and everything around it it's just not really for me#and thus feeling a little distanced from the fandom and from creating lately...I'll try again this weekend though I'll try#and last but not least my skin is being SO bad again rn that I just want to rip it off my whole body!!!!!!!#yeah! not at all how I wanted july to go! anyways august in a few days let’s move on and hope for the best#SORRY for being negative on here again. there were also nice things. like awi and al and all my other friends.#and birthday gifts and messages. <33
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let's play my favourite game; why am i crying?
#the thought of a hug sent me over the edge#but i applied for a job beforehand#and i cant handle the social part of social media right now#also im a failure of a fanfic writwr#*writer#also things arent in my control#also i have an adhd assessment in a month and im getting anxious#also my anxiety is flaring up#also im touch starved#anyway what if i stayed up until 3am and woke up at 7am#for self destructive purposes 👀👀#also to regain any element of control because fuck this feeling. i dont even know whats wrong.#please brain u have to tell me whats wrong#brain: ha ha cute. fuck you.
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always fun to remind myself of the side effects of my thyroid meds
#the first time i treated my thyroid my endo was like ‘i havent had a patient who had this happen for a while so im due for one’ THANKS MAN#personal#im just waiting for it to hurry up and work. my health has PLUMMETED in the last week or so#im so sick and i can’t DO ANYTHING. including SLEEP. even if i was getting enough good sleep i was be exhausted but i’m not so.#the energy’s doing Great#and i’m so hungry all the time but also nauseous so all food is unappealing#genuinely have no idea how i made it through years 7-10 undiagnosed. no wonder i ended up with such a severe phobia of going to bed????????#i don’t have to worry about routine right now so it’s not as stressful (just horrible because i’m so tired) but i COULDNT SLEEP back then#im just relieved that this time it was found through a routine check rather than me getting a test because of symptoms#usually i test when my anxiety gets really bad in a specific way#but my anxiety isn’t bad this time. no panic attacks and also no migraines. those are all usually the worst to deal with#so comparatively this isn’t even a particularly bad episode?/relapse?/flare?#still more sick than i’ve been in……..years?#im not sure if covid was better or worse. but it was only really bad for a week#this’ll be worse overall because it’ll last a lot longer#hopefully only a month or two but that’s still a few months of my life that just vanish. cool!!!!!!!!!!!#and there wasn’t even a notable event to trigger it this time. first time was whooping cough and subsequent times have been things like—#starting uni and then the last 2 years of uni where i took 10 units in one year then overworked myself doing my thesis#im SLIGHTLY worried that maybe i’ve developed rheumatoid arthritis and that set it off because it’s also autoimmune#i should see my gp soon to get a general antibody test. my joint have been so bad it’s been hard to walk for quite a few months#idk man it all sucks. but for now at least i have my white blood cells (even if they’re literally the problem lmao)
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I bought melatonin gummies
at this point I'm desperate for some good fucking sleep
#bridget.txt#I have basically had insomnia since college. that's 20 years ago now#I don't sleep much if at all when I do and wake up in intervals of an hour or two#my anxiety also flares of a night in particular
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