#most fun i’ve ever had in my life
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saw all stars 9 live last night and wow. LOOK HOW CLOSE VANJIE WAS TO ME 😭🙏 also bonus plastique bc yeah.
#plastique is fucking CRAZY#roxxxy vanjie and plastique waved to me <3#most fun i’ve ever had in my life#rpdr#all stars#as9#plastique tiara#vanessa vanjie mateo#roxxxy andrews#jorgeous#gottmik#angeria paris vanmicheals#shannel
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FINALLY did some of the x men & dc crossover stuff that’s been rattling around in my head lol. & trust me i have more. i just think these ones would have interesting / funny dynamics lol
#my art#x men#xmen#marvel#marvel comics#dc#dc comics#batman#jason todd#red hood#scott summers#cyclops#talia al ghul#emma frost#illyana rasputin#magik#new mutants#rose wilson#ravager#teen titans#booster gold#cable#nathan summers#fanart#theeee most niche & self indulgent thing i’ve ever posted LAWL#pleaseeee do not hesitate to talk to me ab this i love thinking ab it lol#& ik i have more dc followers so if ur curious ab any x stuff. LET ME KNOW it’s my life mission to get more ppl into x comics#spawned from my idea of like. how fun would it be if scott and jason had been friends as kids#rose and illyana especially. DO U GUYS SEE THE VISION#also i didn’t use a single reference for this so if there’s any inaccuracies. let me live
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HOLY. SHIT.
I don’t even wanna separate these?? TAKE THE WHOLE SHEET I’M SO PROUD OF IT WHAT????
I was playing around with expressions and OMG, I think I unlocked something???
It was mostly from yesterday’s post, I liked the way I drew Pizza Head so I decided to try drawing him again (since it’s been a while) AND GOD I LOVE THESE‼️‼️‼️ Seriously started out rough but then I just kind rolled with it! I like it! I like it a lot‼️ 😆😆
Also since I drew Brick yesterday as well, I decided to change the way I draw him, just a bit 🤏
Today was so fun AAAHHH!!!! 💞💞💞💞💞💞
#Pizza Tower#Looking at these so proud 😌😌#I was on the coach for what- 3 hours? It was worth it- 💀#I think the way I’ll draw Brick for now on is what he looks like in game but the legs look just a TINY bit like baggy pants#Like have you ever seen animated animals have those legs that look baggy and the feet underneath#I’ve seen it somewhere I know I have but I don’t have a good example…Still I tried to make it look sorta like that-#And I like it! I think he’s looks adorable!! 😄😄💕💕#For Pizza Head I wanted to give more life in his expressions and poses#I think I did it well enough before hand but I want to express MORE of it#Like the better parts of it- Him looking smug him looking angry him looking annoyed etc#I like the one I colored and the one where he’s singing to himself- THAT one I had fun with he looks great 😂#I also like the one where he’s doing a raspberry#I did that one without a sketch!!#I’m basically trying to focus more on the expressions I think. I had the most fun with them and that’s the thing that made me realize I#need to put more life into him. He needs to be flexible#Sorry if I rambled to much- 😅 Just spilling my ideas. Hope you don’t mind 😂#Doodles#Pizza Head#Brick#Gustavo#Gustavo and Brick
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cannot believe dan howell gets paid a lot of money to make homoerotic videos with his bff where he makes the most lovey dovey goo goo eyes in existence at said best friend. these men are getting paid hundreds of thousands for being gay as shit and down bad while im doing it for free everyday with NO money.
#where is the justice in the world???#WHERE???#also this is all jokes i have also given these men a fair amount of my money over the years#i do think abt that tweet that said ‘some twink is set for life for saying this was the most fun i’ve ever had’ and like…#yeah what the actual fuck guys???#dnp#dan howell#phil lester#phan#dip and pip#n says shit
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kiddos!
(used this old render as a ref)
#myart#marky#bow#kelly#dhestyn#gaston#sue#stella#i had a lil bit of fun w this one#this might be the first time i’ve ever fully finished a piece. like. in my life.#color & background & all#i like how it turned out!!#in total it took me ~18 hours but i admit that at least some of that time was literally just me trying to learn how procreate works#i figured it out. mostly. kind of.#idk what i’m gonna do now#maybe i’ll finish the mbz character lineup i started#i might just like… redo that whole thing though actually#mm. don’t know. n e way.#going left is the title of the canon story btw. i know that’s on my blog in few places but. yea#post-canon which is what i post abt most often (when the kids are… no longer kids. adults.) is called going right#i… thought it was funny#going left was supposed to be a placeholder but it has been 10 years atp so. doubt it’s gonna change#rainyrambles
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I’ve been spending less and less time on this stupid ass website recently and honestly….. good
#idk I just don’t find it as? enjoyable as I once did?#which is sad in a way cuz I’ve used tumblr YEARS now and I DO enjoy the way the platform functions#and I for the most part enjoy the space I’ve created#but idk#it’s getting harder and harder to find ppl I actually want to follow and interact with#not many ppl post about my interests in a way I like#and while I once had a pretty active and good chunk of ppl I followed#more and more of them are starting to be inactive#on top of that I’ve been fighting the urge to just drop off of social media entirely recently anyways#like idk….. something about it all of a sudden has started to feel very draining and not fun#not that I have a lot of social media accounts to begin with…..#but I have been seriously debating just deleting most of them#I think part of it is not wanting old ppl in my life having a method of contacting me haha#but also it’s not like I use or enjoy them that much anyways#idk I have some mutuals on here I still enjoy interacting and seeing their posts and such obviously#but idk…. just not been feeling it lately#which in a lot of ways is a good thing! the amount of time I spend on my phone has dropped A LOT#I mostly just use it on breaks at work now and for a little bit before bed#other than? I’ve been actually engaging in hobbies and not mindlessly scrolling#mostly gaming writing and cooking and idk it’s been nice#I doubt I’d ever actually delete this blog#I’ll be here until this website goes down#I am starting to feel like my activity might be slowing down a lot from what it once was tho#kaz rambles
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this google doc was blank this morning and now there is 3k of challengers fic on it
#i just had like 2 very vague concepts for lines/scenes and i am just word vomming about them#so sorry if it is not coherent or sensical in the slightest#i have never written for a poly ship before but i truly am having the time of my life#it’s also the most difficult thing i’ve ever written so wish me luck but it’s so much fun#me every two lines: they want to fuck each other so bad it’s making them look stupid#/astro posts
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Doin bad again folx
#might delete later I’m just wide awake and miserable#summer bill came out today and it’s $7100 not including housing which will be $2400#literally dunno how im gonna pay for that and my dad is. adding to the emotional turmoil of it all#not able to get a loan at least not before the bill is due#able to get aid luckily but again who knows when or how much#my bday is tomorrow and for months I’ve been like please just let my bday be a good day i need one#i need some hope. not that I haven’t had good experiences lately bc I have. but nothing that lasts#nothing i get to feel good about for more than a day before a new problem drops#I need to enjoy my birthday without feeling this deep dark dread and fear and fucking guilt and hopelessness#I have fun plans for today And tomorrow and I’m grateful but honestly stressed about that too#bc it’s gonna be a lot + bc of all I need to do outside of that#+ I don’t get to spend my bday w friends the way I want like I have one friend Maybe coming w me#my bday is supposed to feel celebratory and instead it feels like absolutely forcing some illusion of choice or joy in my life#on top of it all. the most peaceful I usually ever feel is in bed w my partner and now my body won’t even let me hold or be held by them#currently laying next to them not touching them so I at least don’t keep them up w how physically miserable I am rn#I’m literally always physically miserable at this point and it feels like spring is never gonna come and provide any relief#but it’s like can I at least be cozy w them. nope instead I’m wide awake facing various horrors#despite being permanently exhausted and falling asleep in class after 40 ounces of coffee#Im just. so fucking unhappy in life rn dude I don’t want life to be like this forever with the constant threat of it getting much worse#fucking shred of joy in this godforsaken world: the sleep noises they r making rn#mine#txt#vent post#suicidal ideation tw#<- cry for help
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ITS BEEN A MONTH SINCE TLLR CHAPTER 11????? WHAT
#wyrms says stuff#SORRY ITS TAKING FOREVER TO WRITE HOLY SHIT???#i thought it had been like 2 weeks or something#dude i’m actually sorry it’s taking so long to get chapters out#BUT like the next three chapters are all around 2/3 of the way done#i miss those phases where writing becomes sooooo so so easy for me and i write like 3k words a day#i’ve never been able to like stick with a writing schedule#my energy for writing comes and goes as it pleases and it’s been like that all my life. drawing comes naturally#it never bothered me before that i’d just not write for a few months at a time and then suddenly get motivation#to write a shit ton of stuff at once in rapid succession#and it sucks because forcing myself to sit down and write is hard it just doesn’t come super naturally like drawing does.#like forcing myself to draw can be a lot of fun and it’s easy. but honestly i don’t chose when my brain tells me it’s writing time#but that’s probably not a good thing huh#and also i’m like?? SUPER SUPER excited about some of the chapters coming up?? like chapter 14 is THE chapter i’ve been most excited about#since i started this series. AND ITS BASICALLY ALREADY WRITTEN TOO#the parts in between are hard to figure out i’ve realized#and also hard to give myself motivation to write them. im basically just annoyed that writing doesn’t come as naturally as art does for me#and that ever since i started actually writing about my own ocs like 6 years ago#i’ve only been able to write in short bursts of a few months at a time#it’s annoying but it’s a good challenge for me to overcome. i just have to sit down and write and then i’ll get that motivation back#the next chapter should be done very very soon!!!
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Sent my brother a TikTok the other day he responded with this
#for reference my brother apparently smoked weed in like middle school and still smokes weed#I have never had weed before in my life#one of my friends unknowingly ate an edible once though#some random dude gave his friend a random rice krispy treat that they split with my friend#that day was fun#and also one of the stupidest decisions I’ve ever heard#although ngl I would’ve done the same I am a gremlin for food#also one of my other friends just sits with this group of stoners at lunch#she has accidentally gotten hotboxed multiple times#said friend also knows the kid who accidentally caught the school on fire with a blunt#<-dont question this weirder things have happened at my school#I’m rambling so hard right now#my theory is that while high I would either morph into the most annoying person ever or just be the most quiet I’ve ever been#madurday night live
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i’ve really been an army for over six years huh. i’ve been an army for almost a third of my life
#i was 15 when i discovered them. jk was fucking 19 and now i’m 21 and hes turning 26 like i’ve actually grown up with them#i’m so excited and impatient for the future with them but im also sad for all the experiences i had as a baby army that i can never get back#my first year as an army was almost entirely on tumblr and the community used to be so big and social and just. so much fun#even my first couple years on army twt feel so nostalgic now. there were bad things of course but also so many great things#i just feel so lucky to have lived through these last few years with them and i never want to lose those feelings#aeron.txt#it’s so cliche but there really are so many things that you just had to be there for#the struggle of joining their fancafe (i definitely gave up after the first few tries)#the first bangtan bomb they added closed captions to (and when they took them away as punishment for spreading an exclusive fancafe video)#(i still hold that video of the tannies taking turns kissing taehyung so very close to my heart)#their first ever bbma. their first performance at the amas#the creation of bt21#the post-concert vlives during tours#bon voyage to look forward to every summer#jimin’s silent twitter videos#we’ve consistently gotten so much from them and i’m so happy for all that we’re continuing to get#i never want to seem like i think the old days were ‘better’ or like i’m not just as grateful for what they give us now#i just get so nostalgic and melancholy when i think of all the things that we don’t get to experience anymore#i was so young and going through some of my most formative years and it’s such a unique feeling to have grown up alongside bts#i’m still growing up with them. so much of what they taught me years ago is only now showing up in the decisions i make about my life#god i love them so much i love them so so so much
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and the arguments that i have won against you in my head; in the car, in the shower, and in the mirror before bed…
yeah i’m so tough when i’m alone and i make you feel so guilty and i fantasize about a time you’re a little fuckin’ sorry-
and i try to ꪊꪀᦔꫀ𝕣ડ𝕥ꪖꪀᦔ why you would do this all to me. ‘you must be insecure. you must be so unhappy.’
and i know in my heart: hurt people, hurt people. and we both drew blood, but man those cuts were
ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ꜰᴜᴄᴋɪɴɢ ᴇQᴜᴀʟ!!
and i try to be tough. but i wanna scream ‘HOW COULD ANYBODY DO THE THINGS YOU DID SO EASILY?’
and i say that i don’t care.
say that i’m fine.
but you know i can’t let it go, i’vetriedi’ve triedi’vetried for so long… it takes s⃞ t⃞ r⃞ e⃞ n⃞ g⃞ t⃞ h⃞ to forgive but i don’t feel ₛₜᵣₒₙg
#which ever hacker leaked my notes app rants i used as diaries to olivia rodrigo to write this song owe me an apology#no but the fact that she literally put thoughts and feelings and things i’ve done when i’m completely alone#things that i hate because i hate the power it means people still have over me#and she just put it down and released it to the world#she perfectly summarized my two year battle alone with dealing with my trauma in a single song#especially the ‘how could anybody do the things you did so easily?’#because everything i’ve ever said on the situation leaves people speechless and it also makes me realize just how bad it was#like she infiltrated every friend group in a sorority just to get VP and then (maybe unintentionally) turned everyone against me#because she hated me and warned everyone not to be like me (one of my friebds told me she intentionally distanced herself from me because#people thought she’d be the next ‘kelly’ and be annoying and she said she didn’t want that for her. and i’m not even mad at her#because i probably would’ve done the same thing if the tables were turned.) and she did this all while my father was DYING of the most#aggressive form of brain cancer OR had just died#and even tried to comfort me 2 days after he died by saying ‘i was allowed to feel this was because i would be feeling it for the rest of#my life’#she did everything to me#tried to steal my best friend and drive a wedge between us#destroy the relationship i’d built with my pledge class that the sorority insisted on building and developing for each pledge class#made fun of me liking taylor swift#reminded me constantly i wasn’t wanted in the sorority#belittled my knowledge of things and automatically assumed if i said something it was false until a second party agreed with me#she just did all that without batting an eye#told me to my face and over text she never did anything wrong#like… the song just describes it perfectly#pinky tag#kelly babels#sorority tag#the grudge#kelly listens to music
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well that was fucking awesome
#just had the best most fun day of all time with my old friends I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life genuinely#carmen.txt
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so i haven’t personally come out to anyone recently bc i’ve been outsourcing it (getting my girlfriend to do it) & one thing i’ve noticed is that ppl will say a lot more than they would if you were there. for example fran from english class apparently said something along the lines of “yeah i figured. i mean they look like a man anyway” & my girlfriend’s sister just straight up guessed it before my gf even told her (“do they use they/them pronouns” literally a couple hours after meeting me for the first time (in a setting where i was introduced as a cis woman). glad i give off the impression of someone who uses pronouns. thank you)
#actually now that i think about it i haven’t really personally come out to anyone at ALL#i’ve only ever had the whole ‘so hey fun fact i’m actually trans’ conversation once in my life i think. with my gf actually#like my with my friends i was just asked once (pretty soon after meeting them) what pronouns i used and i just said he/him yknow#and like i remember when i met david it was just like juno used he/him for me at lunch once when david first started sitting with us and he#just sort of discretely asked them like he? and they were like yeah and he just went with it. and like hmm#with most of my friends it was pretty much the exact same thing. and being in discord servers with pronoun bots helped obviously#hmmm. who else am i out to. one second let me consult my handy dandy little list#oh there’s julian’s parents but i didn’t come out to them he did it for me#ok literally everyone on this list either knows bc a) they heard me being called zain/heard someone using he/him pronouns for me and just#went with it or b) bc dani outed me to them (with my consent of course)#anyway#.txt#gender diary#this is mildly hilarious actually. how am i out to SO many people without having had the awkward ass conversation more than once. this is#truly honestly great
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.
#sweat tour last night had me in shambles#that was the most fun i’ve had ever anywhere at all in my life#i miss troye so much man. i fucking love him with every fiber of my being#need to be him and also be with him. sexually and romantically.#in case anyone was wondering
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~ ~ ~
#I think I’m lonely in a way I can’t fully describe#I have a partner and friends and family but still often feel alone even when I’m with them#I don’t feel close to anyone at times and I don’t know if it’s outside circumstances or just me#like with my partner being asexual we don’t really do certain activities that I’d like to partake in more often and I can’t hold it against#them for how they do/don’t feel but at the same time I’m craving a physical connection I can’t have and am struggling#doesn’t help that I think about sex all the time nowadays and would really like to be having it and experiencing/exploring certain things#it’s not always easy to take care of oneself that way and still also try to console the ace partner apologizing for who they are#and yeah hall passes are great but only if you have someone to use it on and I’ve never had anyone want to be with me sexually#moving on to bestie I don’t feel my same love and affection being reciprocated and that sucks because I really do anything I can for him#and am like that with pretty much all of mt friends where if they need me for something I’ll be there#but a lot of the time it seems like he really only wants to talk/hang out with me if he’s at work and I can come visit with him#any time I invite him to do something with me outside of work he flakes and so it’s not even worth inviting him anymore#and yeah there’s rare times where he’ll call me a bunch in one day but it’s always just to tell me some gossip from work#not that gossip isn’t fun but still don’t you want to jus talk to me? I always want to just talk to you even if it’s about nothing at all#I’m always the one putting myself out there for him and being there for him when he calls me but I almost never get that same response back#and it’s like I know he has a family so I know he can’t always drop everything for me nor would I ever expect that but just some matching of#my energy would be nice you know? but then I feel guilty/selfish because I feel like I shouldn’t ask that of him when he does have a life#away from work. and I mean I guess I do too but it’s different because partner and I don’t have kids and don’t do much aside from sit around#together or have tea or other things most often done at home. and I don’t live with partner full time yet so I also still have other freedom#outside of just being with them. and other responsibilities I take care of but not on the same level as a wife and kids I guess#idk now I just feel like I’m whining but tbh all this stuff is weighing on me and just making me feel really shitty#I don’t know how to fix these issues without sounding like a selfish bitch and I’m obviously not going to cut anyone off but I don’t really#see any other solutions forming either. so it’s like I guess I’ll just keep my mouth shut and keep feeling bad until the end of time since#that’s the easiest thing to do and then no one else is hurt or upset aside from me#I just feel like I’m destined to float through life never getting back what I need from my relationships but still giving everything because#I don’t know any other way to be. I don’t know how to set boundaries even for myself so I’ll just keep giving and giving until I’m dead#and yeah I guess I am still a lot happier than I used to be and I appreciate the people in my life#just sometimes feels like they don’t really appreciate me back is all#so now I have to lay here next to partner and have all this shit running in my mind and try to get over it on my own#reasonably I should just go to bed but the loneliness is gnawing at me and idk what to do to make it go away
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