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thestrangestthing89 · 3 months ago

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Agree with this. I think a big theme of this series is unbalanced relationships and people feeling pressured to date when they aren't ready to. Which is why I think Max and El bond easily over their boy problems. They are performing. They play the role that girls play when they are confused about their romantic relationship and blame the boys. It's framed as girlpower on the surface but if you look deeper there is something else going on. They don't know how to take responsibility for their own actions. Max and El have similar problems where they haven't seen a healthy romantic relationship so they have no clue how to be in one. And this is why I constantly say El is mostly to blame for her relationship problems with Mike and the same goes for Max with Lucas. People want to automatically blame the boy and are more comfortable doing so. But Max is the one who always breaks up with Lucas when he does something she doesn't like (and it sounds like these were very minor things). It's implied he lies about being busy so he can go hang out with the boys - a similar thing Mike does to avoid spending time with El. Neither of them would feel like they had to lie if Max and El were able to handle being in a relationship and accepting that their boyfriends are going to spend time away from them. Part of this is their age and immaturity, but a lot of it is their previous trauma and the fact that they should not be in relationships because they aren't ready to handle it. But I am glad you mentioned how Lucas's dad's advice wasn't great because I feel like people miss that a lot. Saying that "she's never wrong" and "I apologize and buy her whatever she wants" is TERRIBLE advice. Sometimes she is wrong. And buying gifts after fighting doesn't fix a fight. (And I'm not sure I would say the Sinclair's have a happy healthy relationship if this is how they communicate). It's why Mike is so confused when Lucas relays this information to him in S3 because he knows this isn't right. (He immediately tries to fix a fight with Will the correct way - by simply trying to talk to him and apologizing. And he does call Will out when they are fighting in S4 at the rink so I don't think either of them have a problem with addressing their relationship issues.) But I do think Lucas has a problem calling Max out. He doesn't think he's allowed to. I do think they are better positioned to address this next season and balance things out a little. But depending on what happens with Max, it may not happen. And I am ok with that even though I thought they were a lot better in S4 and never really cared for their relationship prior to that. I think Max's story has always been about other things outside of this relationship (UD related things). And even though I do think Lucas cares about her, I do think they were very young and it's ok if they aren't endgame. His story has a lot more to do with self-acceptance and being more confident imo and that doesn't necessarily have to include Max.

I think the show likes to play on the audience bias a lot. On the surface Max and El have their big girlpower moments and don't need the boys and you are supposed to side with them. But look deeper and neither of them treats the boys well. Along with this, Max and Nancy telling Mike that he's out of line for trying to stop El from stopping Billy was framed as feminism when it's not. Mike is the only one who realizes El is killing herself to save them and Max and Nancy think it's empowering when El is actually just scared and upset. Max doesn't pick up on this because she doesn't know El well and she just wants to support her new friend. I think these things will lead to an interesting story next season where everything gets flipped upside down. It appears that Lucas and Max are in a better place, but after everything that happened to her in S4, is a romantic relationship something she needs to have? They skipped over the friendship phase in the same way Mike and El did which is one of the reasons things don't work out for them either. And the show is beating us over the head with the idea that you need to be friends first before being in a romantic relationship. So if anything, I think lumax will end the series as friends.

time for my big lumax rantpost. I used to be way more of a shipper but upon reexamining some of my GA-era assumptions, I'm here to tell you why it sucks, and why I don't look forward to lumax endgame if it's the same lumax we've been getting.

lumax has fantastic potential, but needs lots of work to actually become the ship most of the fandom thinks it is.

I get the sense most on here consider lumax ST's darling perfect ship which is sullied by weak and/or racist writing. while I wouldn't argue at all that the writing does right by Lucas, I do think it's important to recognize lumax as an intentionally-written badly flawed relationship, NOT a poorly-written perfect relationship. (the writing for 5 has a lot to prove so we'll see)

lumax is obviously happening. no ending to Lucas's story makes sense other than him getting the girl. however, I don't like that from either character's standpoint.

from hers - Max is not a prize. and from his - Max is no prize.

Max is a pretty shitty girlfriend.

we've never seen her show Lucas any interest in learning anything about him. I can't remember a time she's complimented him, said anything nice about him, or done anything purely for his benefit. virtually all of their serious conversations have been about her, and the scant few that are sort of about him are inevitably just a lead-in to him offering support to her.

Lucas and Max's relationship - pre, during, and post dating - is 100% about what he can do for her. he's the one making 100% of the effort.

it seems like most of their interactions are him walking on eggshells trying to placate, reassure, or convince her, all for the reward of.... what. being allowed to continue existing near her? like yeah, she's a cool girl, but. that can't be it.

what good is getting the girl if the girl doesn't really offer anything?

. . .

through the seasons, semiquickly:

season 2

Lucas and Dustin both like Max, so they invite her trick or treating, offering to protect her from bullies and show her where the good candy is. in other words, the first Max / Lucas interaction is him offering something to benefit her. Max returns no appreciation or even response to the invite, yet still shows up to reap the benefits.

that pretty much sets the tone.

Max wants to be included, but that's a sensitive subject, so she puts on aloof airs to protect herself. it's an act, but nonetheless it's all Lucas receives.

the facade slips on multiple occasions though; Lucas is permitted to see her vulnerability, and we can see she's actually more desperate to make the connection than he is.

Dustin seeks Steve's manipulation tactics to use on Max, but Lucas wins her over by treating her like an equal and offering her genuine friendship.

he risks both his place in the party and his safety/life to include her, gives his undivided attention when she talks to him, asks questions that show his interest and concern, he reassures, uplifts and compliments her, and physically protects her.

in return, Max. uhh. well she does apologize for being a jerk, although she doesn't exactly stop, lmao. this is one of only two moments I can think of when Max reveals any regard for what Lucas thinks of her.

lumax is off-balance before it even starts, although s2 is when I think that dynamic is most permissible. since Max is a newcomer, Lucas has the advantage in many respects, and it makes sense for him to be the one extending a hand to her.

when Billy attacks Lucas for hanging out with Max, he could be gravely hurt if not for Steve taking the beating instead. Max joins in the momentary group hug but never says a word about this. (I suspect the writers mean for Max's bus apology to have proactively served as a veiled "sorry my stepbro is racist" but more felt needed in that moment.)

then they go to the dance and she kisses him and it's cute and everything is happy for ten whole seconds.

between 2 and 3

even though the summer of '85 is "the good days," this relationship is already careening downhill.

we learn that Max has dumped Lucas five times - such a regular occurrence that he takes it in stride and is well practiced at winning her back as a result.

unfortunately it's Lucas taking to heart the "happy wife happy life" policy from his dad that's set up lumax as something that seems to serve only Max. her awareness of the policy means she holds all the cards.

season 3

Max has secured her place in the party and the relationship, and now it's time for her to bring something to the table, but I honestly can't name one thing. it's still Lucas bending over backwards and Max sometimes being a bit of a jerk. (another act. we'll come back to this)

from the start of 3 we see an excessively secure Max and an obsequious Lucas. she doesn't show him any of the vulnerability that made her endearing in 2. they share fun moments, but we can infer that she doesn't treat him very well in ways that matter.

at one point she even plays mad just to watch him panic. you get the feeling this boy can never feel secure in his relationship. yeah she's just teasing, but do you think Lucas is allowed to tease too?

when El comes to Max for advice, she tells her that "boyfriends lie all the time" and this is before we see Lucas lie to her.

when Mike comes to Lucas for advice, he confidently schools him on how to get back in El's good graces by buying her a present - making clear he's been following his dad's advice all summer long and it's been working:

L: Dad? When Mom's mad at you, how do you make her not mad? C: First, I apologize. Then, I get your mother whatever she wants. L: Even when she's wrong? C: She's never wrong, son.

the mall confrontation is the first time we see Lucas really lie to Max, but even then, the girls don't actually have proof Nana isn't sick.

it's telling, actually, that Lucas's loyalty goes to Mike instead of Max in this moment. in s2 it was the other way around (Lucas pissed off the whole party by including her in the group and telling her the truth - a technically banishable offense). but now he's back to his s1 bros before hoes policy, and not only backs up but expands on Mike's lie. after dating almost a year, his loyalty to Max should be even stronger, but here we see the opposite. if Max had been at least as good a friend to him as Mike, I'm inclined to think he would at least have tried to be noncommittal here.

Max is so confident Lucas will have nothing on his mind but winning her back, as always - meanwhile who we actually see Lucas apologizing to is Will.

she may have had Lucas wrapped around her little finger all summer, but we're seeing that start to uncoil. if Lucas apologizes, it's offscreen.

when Billy tries to break out of the sauna to kill Max, Lucas slingshots him and body shields Max during the fight. next thing you know, Max is back to being cliquey with El in the bathroom (making fun of Mike even though he was the only one who did anything to save El's life?? girl you're being shitty to boyfriends that aren't even yours)

they seem to be a couple again by the end of 3, but the relationship is weakened...

between 3 and 4

..which sets the scene for how the two apparently drift when Max ends it once again. she's not playing this time - she uses the term "break up" instead of "dump" and Lucas has accepted that it's over.

depression makes it hard for Max to connect with him, but the way she treated him in 3 has likely also eaten away at his insistence on prioritizing her. if you push someone away over and over you can't be too surprised if they stay further away each time.

so Max withdraws socially and Lucas apparently doesn't go to his usual lengths to pursue her.

he's still making effort though! the "stalking" comment makes it clear he's been trying to approach her. we know he's been inviting her to his basketball games. him already knowing her favorite song as of 4x4 is more evidence of him taking an interest in her between seasons.

he clearly still cares a lot about Max, but good for him for pursuing his own hobbies and friendships as well.

season 4

Lucas finally asks Max to do something to support him for once (come to his game), but she shuts it down hard.

we know Max still cares about him, but that's just it - WE know. he doesn't. to his face, it's bristling rejection even while he literally begs for the chance to support her.

saving Max's life is a group effort, but Lucas knowing her favorite song is the key that saves her life, and it's only after that that she's friendly towards him again.

the only time I can recall Max expressing any concern for Lucas's wellbeing is when she asks if he's okay in 4x6 - and he only gets a few sentences to process Patrick's death before it's time for him to turn it into an apology to her. sigh.

Lucas is the only one of Max's friends to voice any objection to her suicide mission of a Vecna plan, and pitches for them to gamble a stranger's life instead. he once again risks his life to hang out in the Creel house with Max, personally taking on the huge responsibility of making sure she doesn't die.

Vol 2 Max finally shows Lucas some long-awaited appreciation ("you might have been there" and "I'm glad you're here") which is very nice to see.

I'm conflicted about the movie invite scene, but we'll talk about that later. textually: he asks her out, she accepts, it's totes adorbs.

unfortunately, Max being tranced out by the time Jason walks in means it's time for Lucas once again to get attacked by an older, stronger guy who's wrongly convinced he's a danger to her. (again not her fault, but kinda because of her)

everything goes sideways, Max gets Vecna'd, and Lucas holds her while she dies. we end on a bruised Lucas sitting loyally at Max's bedside, reading to her just in case she can hear it inside her coma.

Lucas hasn't been perfect but he has spent yet another season physically protecting and emotionally supporting Max at great personal expense, and with little appreciation and no support in return.

. . .

the movie doodle didn't fix lumax

Max has had an epiphany, but a change of behavior has scarcely begun. being nice isn't the same as making amends. they've resolved zero of the old issues, plus 4 (even if the plan had worked) has heaped a ton of new shit on both of them.

she's still a grieving, neglected, depressed and passively suicidal child of a triply-broken home. dating doesn't fix that. they already broke up once under the same conditions.

plus Max has new catastrophic emotional traumas, some of which which explicitly exacerbate those very issues. she has catastrophic injuries and disability to cope with (and this is a girl who withdraws under stress normally). with a shred of realism, she's waking up in less a mood for dating than ever.

Lucas has also taken on new traumas, between the basketball team stuff, getting beaten up and almost shot/strangled, and watching Max get Vecna'd and die. he already has a history of guilt about not being there for her enough, so he's going to have a lot more about failing her in that moment (definitely not his fault but he'll still feel bad) and will likely be even more focused on her.

to me, this all sounds like a recipe for the same old dynamic except worse than ever. if they get sleeping beauty'd directly back into lumax, it'll be a disservice to both characters.

. . .

now let's talk about why Max treats Lucas the way she does 🔬

she's not a conniving bitch, she's just a scared kid from a toxic home. that doesn't excuse her behavior but it does make it understandable.

Max CAN be a great friend. she's just not to Lucas.

Max absolutely showers El with the good qualities she'll barely show Lucas. in fact I could loosely say Max is to El what Lucas is to Max.

Max is suspicious and disparaging towards Lucas, even while trusting that he can be counted upon to grovel. meanwhile El never apologizes for intentionally hurting Max both physically and emotionally, yet the moment El acknowledges her (only because she wants help), Max is instantly forgiving, kind, gentle, caring, generous and supportive towards her.

she throws her loyalty behind a friend of 1 afternoon over her boyfriend of a year who's been the only person in Hawkins to show her any true kindness and emotional connection.

if Max was half the friend to Lucas that she is to El, she'd be a decent girlfriend. why isn't she?

we can name a few reasons why Max IS so nice to El, but why she ISN'T to Lucas is a separate question. kindness isn't zero-sum.

she told us why. boyfriends lie.

and it's ANY boyfriend, not just hers. Nana's sick? more like Mike's a lying piece of shit! Suzie from camp? fake! Dustin's obviously lying! the only one of the boys Max has never accused of lying is Will - the only one who's been single the whole time.

just. the state of being a boyfriend (or even just liking a girl is close enough), makes any boy automatically a liar.

Max believes "friend" and "boyfriend" are mutually exclusive

"Friends don't lie!" "Yeah, well, boyfriends lie all the time." <- it's all right there.

back in 2 when Lucas was her friend, she was more open and trusting. she gave him the benefit of the doubt that monsters were real and he knew a girl with magic powers. starting to date flipped the switch, and now she doesn't trust him about mundane stuff.

now they're not friends, they're boyfriend/girlfriend, and she expects to be treated in a whole different way, including all the baggage that comes with romantic relationships in her mind.

what baggage?

Max's childhood is full of examples of awful, manipulative men and abusive, broken relationships.

her dad: I'd only be speculating about why her parents' marriage failed, but in 2 Max misses California because her dad is still there, then by 4 acts like it's doubtful he can even be tracked down for delivery of what's basically her suicide letter. it's clear she desired a relationship with her dad but was abandoned. Neil: abusive asshole who rules the household with an iron fist. I'd be shocked if he hasn't abused Susan, and see little reason he wouldn't do it in front of Max (after all, we see him verbally and physically abuse his first wife in front of his son, in a bad fight over suspected lies/infidelity). in his grief over Billy, Neil and Susan have "bad fights" and he leaves the family. he's not missed, but it's still a second abandonment by a father figure. Billy: Max's peer example of guys in relationships: a sleazy, two-faced asshole who treats girls like trash and completely changes his persona to manipulate them for sex or whatever else he wants (Max appears to be all too aware of his sex life and is disgusted). abandonment issues with him too: a good relationship with a big brother would've meant the world to her, but he rejected and probably abused her for years; her letter at his grave reads "ever since you left" - same word she used for Neil.

Max desperately hopes Lucas is an exception to the rule, but these are the behaviors she would naturally fear from any guy she dates.

Max is especially terrified of being abandoned (and that she deserves it)

to be abandoned over and over can naturally leave a kid wondering if it's their fault, if this is the treatment they deserve.

Lucas is overall quite honest, and there's not an abusive bone in his body. the most realistic one of Max's fears to apply to him is that someday he'll leave her, too.

and that's the worst fear Vecna chooses to voice in Lucas's form: realizing he's been wrong about her, that she's fundamentally bad and he's glad she's going to be killed. a gutting abandonment from the guy she most wants to trust.

Vecna-Susan also tells Max that she deserves what's going to happen to her, that she's "broken everything" and that her letters can't make things right. because he's in full Vecna mode when he says it, I just took those as very general condemnations at first. but they hurt even worse when I remember they're still coming from "Susan" - revealing that Max feels she has broken her family.

she wanted Billy to die, and she figures Neil left because Billy died, so that's two of the abandonments being "her fault". if that's true, Max would also feel responsible for destroying her mom's life - having cost her her marriage, home, and financial security.

in her addictions Susans has, in an emotional sense, abandoned Max just like all her other family members - and Max fears she deserves it. how desperate she was for this hug... :(

anyway, back to lumax: let's reexamine those s3 dumpings

what exactly did Lucas even do? we never find out.

on first watch, I took "boyfriends lie" at face value and assumed Lucas got caught fibbing. but that doesn't fit so well.

he's maybe the party member most invested in "friends don't lie". honesty to his friends is a pillar of his character. again, he caused friction in 2 because he so strongly prioritized honesty to Max. to assume based on one line from an unreliable narrator that he randomly became a huge liar over the summer is unfair.

via their counseling of Mike and El, Lucas and Max tell us what's been going on with lumax

Max tells El:

He'll come crawling back to you in no time, begging for forgiveness. I guarantee him and Lucas are totally wallowing in self-pity and misery right now like "ohh, I hope they take us back!"

I think we all clocked that one: Max thinks that because El followed her technique, Mike will come crawling back - because Lucas has come crawling back to her several times now.

but I haven't seen much discussion about how the spying scene (which "he'll come crawling back" is paired with) shows Lucas assuring Mike that he's been dumped for an unfair and illogical reason because that's what Max has done to him several times now.

M: I just don't understand what I did to deserve this. L: Nothing. Nothing. That's my whole point. You are the victim here. Stop asking rational questions. M: I know, I know, you're right. Because women act on emotion and not logic. L: Precisely. It's a totally different species.

Max is pissed. but has she been irrational, acting on emotion and not logic, and dumping him for no apparent reason all summer? signs point to yes.

and I understand Lucas saying this. it's not pure misogyny out of nowhere; he's been told that his mother expects gifts and apologies even when wrong, Max acts that way too, and now so apparently does El. all of his examples concur that this is just how women in relationships are. (Charles Sinclair how many relationships will your advice destroy lmao)

both Max and Lucas are bringing preconceptions from home.

Max acts this way on purpose

I don't think she's dumped him over truly nothing (although that's how it looks to him). I'm thinking she blows real, minor missteps out of proportion.

any time Lucas does something slightly insensitive, it looks like the first red flag to her, and instead of communicating in a constructive way, she just throws up this "boys aint shit" force field and dumps him. of course she doesn't truly want to be rid of him, she's just sorta snapping the leash.

I think Max knows what she's doing. I think she wants to keep Lucas always on his back foot, because the relationship isn't as scary if she feels like she holds all the power.

she's always trying to cover up fear/sorrow with anger, because anger gives an illusion of control. and she's been conscious of that anger, and the fact that it's unfair to Lucas, since the beginning - that's what she apologized for on the bus. "I guess I'm angry too, and I'm sorry."

she was mature enough at 13 to see the error in her behavior, but still not mature enough by 15 to fix it. every season has just been a slightly different flavor of "leave before you get left".

so, that's my take on Max's relationship behavior. but again, explanations aren't excuses. Lucas deserves to be treated well, and that's not happening.

what needs to happen?

simply maturing more will help them both a lot. being 15 is a terrible condition in of itself.

I don't see Lucas dumping Max's ass, but she should take her own advice before the relationship continues: explain herself and fix the garbage parts of her behavior.

before Max can be the girlfriend Lucas deserves, she needs a substantial period of physical and emotional healing.

she needs renewed connections with her friends and family, and a lot of general growth in the area of communication and processing her feelings.

in regards to Lucas, she needs to work on her trust issues, and learn to extend him the treatment warranted by his behavior, not the behavior she fears from others. she needs to learn that "friend" and "girlfriend" aren't mutually exclusive, that real friendship is the key to their relationship, and is a two-way street.

any Billy racism/assault acknowledgement would be better years late than never, especially if grieving Billy continues to be a focus in front of Lucas.

Lucas could also use a little work

the relentless positivity doesn't serve Max well. often it turns out to be empty reassurances which make her feel let down (so, a soft version of the lies she fears). she let him know in 4x4 that this hurts her, but he kept doing it for the rest of the season.

but the big one is that "happy wife happy life" doesn't serve him well, and rewarding unfair treatment perpetuates the problem. yes, the ability to compromise, swallow pride, and be the bigger person are healthy parts of a relationship, as well as the willingness to extend grace to your partner/friend when they're struggling. but it always being on one designated person is a recipe for dissatisfaction and resentment.

Lucas should voice to Max that he, too, has struggles and needs support. I'd like to see him pursue outside interests unapologetically.

no, this isn't an exhaustive list, and I don't expect to see everything fixed at once, or explicitly processed onscreen. but I sure hope we get some evidence of change, and that this has all been part of an arc.

for instance, I'd love for the final lumax reconciliation to be Max asking Lucas to take her back.

I kind of hope not to see them officially together until the very end. in fact I'd so much rather see ST end on a good Max / Lucas friendship with an implied romantic future than jump back to the status quo.

l don't want to see lumax until it's a new lumax, based on real, reciprocal friendship.

#I love how all of the relationships are tied together #Jancy and stancy also have similar problems #I do think this show is stressing friendship/platonic love and not necessarily romantic love #and I wouldn't be shocked if byler and jopper were the only endgame couples #although I do think jancy probably is as well

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itsonlystrange · 4 years ago

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It’s late and I feel like talking about ST characters trauma

I feel like most people only focus on Will’s or El’s (which both are very valid ! ) but I think we both need to remember that:

1: characters exist outside of their trauma. If you believe that all a single character is is their trauma, and that they deserve no further character depth, you’re psycho

And 2: all characters in this fking show are traumatized. All. Of. Them. At this rate, I think Lucas is the most unscathed mentally, yet he ALSO has so much trauma! Which nobody ever talks about!

I love Will and El, however I feel like other characters (especially the females) deserve more expansion on the sh!t they’ve been through.

I WANT TO ALSO SAY:

This isn’t me narrowing down characters with the “most trauma” as I simply cannot put every character in this post and go on a full analysis rn as its 4:00 am. And also, trauma isn’t a competition. I am sick of people saying “so and so is more traumatized than so and so.” Or “so and so is the most/less traumatized.”

All trauma is valid.

People will trauma of any kind know that it doesn’t matter if someone lost 2 legs and half their brain, but you only broke your foot. That’s still gonna be painful! Mentally and physically! It isn’t a race. I don’t want to see ANY of that anymore. It’s disgusting and undermining other characters traumas to benefit others. All characters trauma is V A L I D. It all is! There is no “well so and so is the most traumatized so the others don’t get to complain.” NO! NO NO NO! That’s not how it works! This isn’t a game!! And don’t ever feel bad about not having gone through as much as your friend, your trauma is yours and all experiences are valid.

ALSO REMINDER: characters exist outside of their trauma and ab*se and I know that! This isn’t me belittling or shrinking down people to only a component to their trauma. It’s me pointing out their trauma rather than having their trauma he their whole character. I just think we need more people to talk about other ST characters, especially right now.

Now, without further a do:

MAX:

Max’s dad left fairly early on from what we’ve seen, however she still had some contact with him for at least a few more years as she seems to remember him and miss him quite a lot. We don’t know much about Mr. Mayfield, but we do know Max mises him a great deal. We also know that she has most likely witnessed a lot of physical and verbal ab*se from her stepfather. It’s never stated if Max is a handle to this ab*se either, but she’s definitely witnessed it. Which is why I believe she pushes people away, she’s afraid to get latched on. Because If she does she’ll start to care, and then they’ll just leave like almost everyone else, like her old friends and her father. She puts up walls and feign strength and a somewhat high ego to keep up the hallucination that she doesn’t care about what others think, when she really does. Not to mention she literally witnessed Billy die right before her eyes. Do you know how traumatizing that is? She’s also seen multiple others die aswell, making it worse. Now with Billy gone, Max will most likely be the center of Neil’s ab*se, and Will distance herself from everyone, and will probably spiral into a severe depression. She acts all tough on the outside when in reality she just wants to be loved and accepted, by her friends and family. She gets critiqued quite a lot, especially for being a girl, and you can tell she definitely has gotten the short end of the stick most her life.

KALI:

Do I even need to explain this one? She was literally ABDUCTED AS A CHILD, then adopted, then her adoptive family DITCHED HER, she was forced to see others get hurt or to hurt others for experiments, she’s seen multiple people d!e, and she feels like the only way for life to get better is by k!lling people. Although she’ll never show it, she feels so alone in the world. With no real family, and only her friends, she has nobody to turn to. Kali was so hated upon, which in a way, I understand. I don’t entirely agree with her morally but I do see where her intentions lay and I don’t think she’s as bad as a person as everyone says she is. She’s just a broken girl that deserves to be loved. And she’s so distant from love because she’s afraid of getting hurt. But she deserves happiness, and I wish the Duffers would allow her that happiness, too.

JOYCE:

Nobody EVER talks about Joyce’s trauma as much as they talk about Will’s or El’s (which I’m not invalidating either of theirs I’m just pointing out Joyce’s)

Joyce is said to deal with frequent panic attacks and anxiety. She was verbally and probably physically ab*see by her husband leaving her with severe trust issues. For awhile the whole town thought she was crazy, and we’ve seen her be treated like an outcast. She doesn’t fit in. Back in the 80’s, single moms were looke down upon. Will is constantly referred to as “Lonnie’s Boy”, because that’s what people see him as, even when Lonnie ditched Will and hurt him more than Joyce ever could. Joyce works/worked multiple jobs, and had to keep up her family of two boys. It got so bad even Jonathan had to get one or two jobs just to keep a roof over their heads.

Joyce really deserves happiness. She’s always alert now and her anxiety has only gotten worse. She’s constantly looking for things that aren’t there and although she may have been right about the magnets, it’s worrying that she saw a pattern there, anyways. Her life has given her the short end of the stick multiple times. She’s seen multiple people d!e, her son get possessed, her son get exorcised and be in so much pain, the love of her life (Bob) die right in front of her, the other love of her life (Hopper) die right infront of her, she’s been losing herself since season one, and knowing it’ll only get worse in season 4 scares me so much. She deserves to settle down and find a happy family. She deserves love and support and therapy. And she deserves support system that will listen to her and be there for her. Joyce is so strong in so many ways, she has always percerviered through the thick and thin, and life has ever gone in her direction yet she stays there, for her boys, and doesn’t give up. She is so kind and loyal, she took El under her wing, she was there countless nights when Lonnie was screaming, protecting Will. She was there, staying up all night to make sure Will went to bed safely. She worked two jobs and has tried to get enough money for Jonathan to go to college, and yet life has never given her anything back. This woman has been through hell, she deserves to be loved with no consequences. She deserves to be happy without it backfiring. Joyce is such a dimensional character. She’s had her ups and downs, and she’s somehow always found ways to keep on pushing forward past where most people would break. THATS Queen shit

NANCY:

Now, it looks like Nancy had a fairly peaceful upbringing. While I don’t think she has as much trauma as Mike, I feel like a lot of people over look her and her existence and immediately write her off as “selfish” or a “brat”. And while I do agree that she does have some selfish or self centered moments, she’s always grown from those. Character development, people!

Nancy, the oldest of 3, definitely got the most love from her mother. I don’t think her home life has ever been bad. Although Karen and Ted aren’t the perfect happy couple, they don’t seem to fight much, and they seem pretty peaceful. So I don’t think Nancy’s home life is bad necessarily, and from the outside it could almost be described as “perfect”.

However, there is so much beneath that.

Nancy was stuck in a loveless relationship for about a year. She did the best she could at school to fit in or “be popular”. She wanted to stay with Steve because that seemed like the most logical option. He was popular, rich, he’d be the perfect guy to settle down with. But her heart was telling her to go else where. Jonathan was poor, unpopular, and isn’t necessarily the perfect guy to settle down with financially. Her parents put pressure on her to be the perfect housewife (more so her dad, I don’t think karen did as much.) so when Nancy falls for someone the exact opposite of what she should be going for, she’s in denial. She’s torn between the two. She had a perfect life ahead of her. Great friends, popularity, a loving boyfriend, but she didn’t want that. She didn’t want to settle down and living a boring life just like her parents.

Besides all that, she’s been pulled into an alternate dimension, she’s seen multiple people d!e, she’s nearly been k!led MULTIPLE times. She’s had to k!ll people for her own safety. She’s had to watch her boyfriends brother get excorcised, and also stab her boyfriends brother with a flaming hot rod. She’s had to live with the guilt of Barbara, her best friend, dying while she was sleeping with Steve. She feels so much guilt, survivors guilt, for not doing anything that night. She’s had to live with the fact that her bestfriend since she was little passed on right outside where Nancy was, and Nancy could’ve done something about it, which is the worse part. She’s been harassed by misogynistic coworkers for the fact that she’s a female, lowering her self esteem. And it seems that whenever she does something good in the world it always backfires. She feels like an outcast even though she has so many “friends”, or so it seems. She has the perfect house at the end of a culdesac. What can she possibly be sad over? Her life seems seamless. Yet there is a lot buried under there. She seems like she’s in denial over a lot of things, and constantly in a stage of grief. Nancy deserves to not feel ridiculed. She deserves to be a winner, and to prove those misogynistic @ssholes wrong. She shouldn’t have to fit this cookie cutter ideal. She’s a badass. She’s experienced way more than I feel like most people realize, and has been put in the center of absolute insanity yet still was able to come out of it intact. She deserves to live the life she wants to live, without Survivors Guilt, without the feeling of being an outcast, without low self esteem. Nancy is such a strong young woman in more ways than one, and I feel like so many people hate on her solely because she isn’t doing what most of these girl next door characters usually do. She subverted her own trope. And most people are angry that she isn’t this cookie cutter girl the way she’s “supposed to be”. She gets overlooked, and most people prefer the men of the cast, over her. And yes, everyone is entitled to their opinion, however I’ve seen people hate on Nancy for stupid misogynistic things, which isn’t a valid reason to dislike a character. And most people assume she’s just a spoiled, self obsorbed, ditzie girl, but she really is just someone trapped inside a box trying to get out. Nancy is a baddie. She’s always defended her friends. She’s always defended her brother, and has fought interdimensonal demons before. SHE IS SUCH A BADASS! She learned how to use a gun at the age of 16, despite most woman in the 80’s not even slowing themselves to touch a gun. She grew independent and learned to work for herself and not for others. She cracked a major story at the Hawkins Post, and even when people didn’t believe her, she still pursued it, and was right! She doesn’t give up, and people should be looking up to her and aspiring to be her. She literally beat up someone with a fire hydrant while playing a game of Marco Polo. Why does nobody talk about that! She will kick your ass into the next dimension. THATS Queen shit.

That’s all for now. I will touch back up on this later with some more characters traumas (probably Mike’s, Dustin’s, Lucas’s, and more.) but this is it for now. I really think we should pay more attention to the woman in the ST cast and their characters. A lot of focus is usually on the boys, which is understandable, but I wanted to point out how strong all these girls are and how much I admire them. I love Will and el as well, but I’ve already made several posts talking about them and how badass they are, lol. I wanted to shine light on more people that usually don’t take the spotlight very often. I’ll be back with more, later! As I said above, I’ll totally touch on some more people’s trauma as well, as there’s a lot beneath the surface I feel like most people don’t pay attention to.

SORRY FOR SUPER LONG POST

PS: I began writing that at 4:44am, then fell asleep. It’s 11:45 am now.

#stranger things #stranger things 4 #st4 #nancy wheeler #joyce byers #kali prasad #max mayfield

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fleetwoodmak99 · 4 years ago

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Primed for Sin (1/10)

Arthur Fleck x reader

Not requested. Just needed some good lovin from this broken boi. This is something I had on my mind for a while. Idk where this is gonna go but it tends to be on the darker side. If anyone has suggestion on what I can do with this story please lmk.

SUMMARY: Elena has lived in Gotham for only a few months with her 2 year old baby brother. Her parents abandoned the both of them and they were forced to take care of themselves. That's until she meets Arthur.

WARNINGS: None in this chapter other than being a terrible writer but there will be future smut and it will be dirty and filthy.

This chapter is gonna be pretty boring but its only to set up to story and show a more innocent side to Elena. Next chapter will be more sinister and will focus on Arthur's side.

Prologue.

December 12, 1979.

Metropolis.

'I'm sorry.' That's all the note said.

She had heard a knock at the door of her one bedroom apartment in Metropolis that her job supported. Anxiety spiked in her when she heard a big thud that followed along with footsteps that seemed to get getting quieter by the minute.

Leaving her plate of take out Chinese on the table in the living room, Elena walked slowly towards the door, trying to make as little noise as possible. She grabbed the wooden bat that was always stationed next to her front door. She raised it up, ready to use it as soon as she opened the door. Yet when she opened that door, she saw nothing threatening. She saw something innocent and kind.

A child.

A newborn of a few months to be exact.

She lowered the bat. Confused, she pushed back the black flaps of the baby carrier to examine it. Only to be meet with the brown eyes of the scared infant.

The boys eyes were red from crying. Her heart ached for the little guy. She grabbed the carrier and placed it on the kitchen table. The boy had started crying again, reaching his arms out to her. Elena struggled to figure out what to do. She took him out of the carrier, placing him in her arms. The boy must have been exhausted as he immediately leaned into her touch and closed his eyes in relief, the crying quickly fading away as he drifted off into sleep. Whatever had happened before he was with her really took a toll on the child.

She rubbed his back as he slowly drifted into a deep sleep. She stood there for a moment, taking in everything that had just happened.

Why be placed at her door step? Why her? Why would someone do this to a child? She recalled back to all the difficult times she had going through the system with her own parents.

Unless. No. It can't be. They wouldn't just have another baby to leave him at the door step of their only daughter. Would they?

Her fear became a reality when she saw her mothers cursive writing across a small piece of paper that laid in the back of the baby carrier. 'I'm sorry'.

Panic settled in her chest as she began to pace around the kitchen. She just couldn't believe it. That her parents were stupid enough to get pregnant when they had already known they didn't want kids. Then to top it all of they placed the responsibility on her. The one they couldn't take care of so they left. I guess it just seems to be a theme of theirs.

"Well little guy, I guess its just you and me." She whispered into the sleeping boys ear as she continued to rub his back.

Even though she didn't want to believe, she could feel it in her heart that they were related. She could already feel the connection starting to form. She knew she was for the long run as the boy started to snore in her arms.

Ch. 1

A year and a half later

Gotham City.

Elena woke up with a jolt, as a now almost 2 year old Michael jumps on the bed.

"Wake up sissy, wake up!" She smiled. She knew he would be waking up early and asking her to play. He did every morning.

"5 more minutes Mike." She groaned, only to hear him laugh.

"No, sissy. I wanna play with my trains and watch Thomas on the tv." Elena knew she had no other choice than to get up. Even though it was a pain in the ass to wake up at 7 in the morning on the dot each day but she loved it. No one would be able to see this but her. Not her parents, not some adopted parent, but her. His big sissy protecting him from the world.

Thats exactly what she did. Thats why they moved out to Gotham. After taking too much time off from work to take care of Michael, Elena had lost her job. She was forced to find a job in Gotham, working as a singer and bartender in a small comedy club.

Michael was going through babysitters left and right. He just couldn't stand to be away from her for too long. He would panic and get angry thinking his sister too had abandoned him. Throwing bad tantrum that had every babysitter calling her to come back home. Lucky she was able to get him into some sort of therapy.

She knew the pain he felt. She felt it too. She feels it now as she remembers what it was like to have no one. Elena wanted to give him the support she never had. So she was able to move some money around for him to be able to do so. He's been doing better. She saw how hard he tried to keep his emotions inside and not react. She promised herself she would do everything in her power to ease his pain.

During the day Michael would go to a behavioral center for children while Elena would be at work. Being with other children with similar situations always helped her so maybe it would help him too. It seemed to keep him busy enough for her to make some money.

After letting Michael do his morning routine of watching Thomas the Tank Engine while eating his toast, Elena got him and herself ready for the day. Realizing they only had a few minutes before they would be late, she tried pushing a one shoed Michael out the door.

She groaned as she leaned down to pick him up with his book bag and his other shoe in her hand as well as he purse hanging off her shoulder. She turned from locking her apartment door, moving quickly towards to elevator doors that were beginning to close with a tall man inside.

"Wait," she yelled out of frustration. Not expecting the man to actually do anything because she's come to realize that that's how it is here in Gotham. She was quickly put to shame as the man kindly grabbed the elevator doors, holding them open for her.

Elena ran to the doors and her and Michael slipped inside the elevator. Elena was finally able to breath as she let out a sign before turning to the man. "Thank you, not a lot of people would have done that."

She offered him a smile as she examined him. The man seemed tired, he was hunched over in the corner with a grey sweater with a tan jacket wrapped around his body. He had his hands at his side as if he was too nervous to move them. He looked up and pause as he stared into her eyes like he was taking in every inch of her.

Her smiled faded when he didn't say anything. Looked down at the floor, she placed Michael down on the elevator floor. She held her hand out so Mike could take it, which he did.

Michaels hand squeezed hers when the elevator jerked up and down as the lights flickered. It was frightening enough for elena to reach a hand out and grab the mans arm out of pure instinct. They stood in darkness for a few moments before the lights flickered back on. A sign of relief leaving Elena.

Elena immediately looked down at Michael. Feeling even more relieved when he has a small smirk on his face as he whispered to himself.

"Cool."

Her attention eventually turned to the man who had his eyes focused on her hand on his arm. She immediately retracted her hand. Taking a few steps back, she began profusely apologizing.

"Oh my. I'm so sorry sir. I didn't mean to do that. I just got scared. I don't know what I was thinking." She was panicking as she saw the mans face turn red. He began to laugh but it wasn't a normal laugh. It was almost painful. She couldn't help but be concerned for the man.

Her mouth began to open but no words came out. The man put a hand up to his face as he tried to hide himself. The other hand was frantically searching for something in his pocket. Once he had found what he was looking for, he handed it to her. It was a card. It explained his condition. A man who is forced to laugh no matter how he felt. Elenas heart ached for the man.

She handed the card back as instructed with a sad smile. She allowed the man a moment to himself as the laughter began to die down. He never kept his eyes off her. Even though he was a stranger, she oddly wanted to hold him or comfort him in some way. All she could do was offer her hand but someone else decided to beat her to the punch.

"Heres my train. His name is Thomas. He helps me feel I feel sad." Michael offered him a sweet smile as he extended his arm to the man, Thomas in hand. The man finally took his eyes away from her as they both turned to the small boy.

The man forced a smile and took the small tank engine from the boy. "Thank you." He whispered. He began to examine the toy, lifting it up to the light.

To Elenas surprise, the man began to make a train whistle as he made the train fly through the sky cause Michael to laugh. Michael then skipped back over to his sisters side.

The man smiled with accomplishment as he had successfully made the boy laugh and brought a smile to the pretty girls face. He locked eyes back with Elena as he chocked out his next words.

"I hope thats ok?"

It was more of a question than anything.

Elenas smiled softly, "of course. He has a million trains at home." She was beginning to notice to mans body relaxing as he squeezed the train.

His eyes stayed locked on hers as he opened his mouth to say something else but was interrupted when the elevator doors open back up on to main floor of the apartment building. Elena quickly grabbed Michaels hand before turning to the man.

"I'm sorry. We're late." She gave him a nervous laugh as she began to walk out of the elevator but there was something about the sudden shot of sadness that shot across his face. She wanted to stay there and comfort him but she knew she couldn't.

With that she turned on her heel and walked out of the elevator. Leaving the man with nothing but her sweet smile and the smell of her perfume.

He watched her as she walked out of the building with the small boy close behind. He couldn't comprehend what had just happened. His heart leaped into his throat and he could feel the laughter coming back as the elevator doors slowly began to close.

He didn't know who she was, but he needed to.

#arthur fleck #arthur fleck x y/n #arthur fleck x reader #arthur fleck x female reader #arthur fleck x you #joker

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atlas-of-a-human-soul · 5 years ago

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frENEMIES, pt. 3 {Quarterback AU}

Summary: Locked in the supply closet together, the pair actually manages to resolve some of their issues but new ones arise when they realize the other side of hate is love and while one is willing to accept to cross the fine line, the other one will run scared.

Warnings: angst, swearing, panic attack, sexual innuendos and talk of sex

Part 1 Part 2

"Just stay with me tonight. Okay?" Grayson takes her hand, gingerly pulling her closer and while he wishes he could ignore the turmoil in her eyes, the hesitation in every inch of distance she closed between them, he can't help but wonder if she'll ever stop hating him.

After the past 24 hours they had, he hoped she would find a way. He just wants a chance, a fighting chance to show her he isn't the idiot, dumb jock she sees him as. He can't exactly deny the playboy accusation, but the rest of it wasn't very fair to him. At least he saw it like that.

"I feel like this is a slippery slope. I stay tonight and we...what? Have sex? Maybe just cuddle? Or talk? Next thing I know, you'll catch feelings and I don't really see how that would be good for either of us." Biting her lower lip, she grabbed a fistful of his shirt, not in a violent or sexual way, just as a way to ground herself, to find a footing in the insanity of her actually considering willingly being around the man she hated for years. And her hate wasn't unfounded.

"Don't worry, my sneaky little princess. That's not going to happen. At least not to me, but I can't promise anything on your behalf. I'm quite the charmer, ya know?" Chuckling as she pushed him back with all her might, Grayson lands on the bed with a throaty laugh she found quite pleasant. However, when Grayson told her nothing of the sort would happen, he forgot to mention it's because it's too late, at least for him it is - he already caught feelings.

How this came to be, you may ask? Last time we left these two, love was the last thing on their mind...at least for Y/N.

Well, it all started with a push from a very bald Ethan who decided to lock the frENEMIES in a room.

"Seriously?!" Y/N pounded on the door as she realized she's stuck and the only reason why that happened is because she wanted to make amends with Ethan and Amina. That's what happens when you're trying to be nice.

Ever had a big fight with your best friend and actually have them be right but you just won't admit it? Y/N sure as hell found herself in a lot of trouble with her best friend when Ethan got caught in the crossfire and while she apologized to Ethan, profusely, Amina was just done with her. It hurt when she chose to side against her even before the incident that left her boyfriend without hair. Isn't your best friend supposed to have your back?

Ethan forgave her, or so she thought before he gave her and Grayson a push before locking them up in the supply room on campus and while Y/N pounded on the door, she realized she was doing that all on her own. She figured the ostentatious, loud quarterback would be breaking the door down by now and yet she found no resistance on his behalf...just silence.

Frowning, she turned to the unusually quiet Grayson only to find him in the corner of the room, eyes wide open, heaving.

"Dude, you good?" She really didn't want to come closer and check but when he shook his head no, she felt her heart start pounding. The last thing she needed is him having an asthma attack now, because he might think she didn’t notice, but she saw him hiding the inhaler in his bag after taking a few puffs and while she didn’t understand why he’s ashamed of that, she didn’t say anything. Just as he’s hiding his dyslexia, something she didn’t know about until the dinner they were forced to have and he stared at the menu as if it was in a foreign language before asking his brother in their ridiculous twin language what to order.

"Why? What's happening right now?" Carefully, she approached him because he seemed freaked out as it is and she had no idea how he might react to her in this moment.

"Not a fan...of closed spaces." Managing to explain through a few quick breaths, he had closed his arms around his folded knees and for the first time in forever, she saw Grayson fucking Dolan isn't invincible. She’s become all too aware of that.

"Oh." She let nothing else pass her lips as she sat right before him, chewing her bottom lip with her eyebrows furrowed and her nose crinkled as she pondered what she could do to help him. If a man as big as him freaks out in such a small room, she might not be quite safe. Would he ever hurt her?

"Why is football so important to you?" And that's when she spoke up, this time with a question she hoped would help keep his mind occupied, derailing the possible panic attack he seems to be facing. She knew all about panic attacks for they've tormented her since she was eighteen. She knew he feels vulnerable and terrified and she wanted to give him a chance to talk about what he loves, is confident in and is also passionately involved in. It’s not something she talks about, just as he doesn’t talk about his asthma and dyslexia.

"Huh?" Grayson looks at her, his lips quivering, his chest hurting and his heart hammering against his cheat and he couldn't believe he was breaking in front of the girl that hates him more than anyone ever has and he could already see her using this against him.

"Tell me. I want to understand." But there is no malice in her voice and the way she looks at him is...merciful. She's never been this nice to him and for a moment, he can't help but wonder why. Why would she care?

"Please." The softness in her tone is enough to make him trust her. Maybe it's because he wanted to trust her with all his heart regardless, but he found himself speaking to her about what he never talked about to any girl...only to very few people in his life that mostly included his family.

"My dad. It was sort of our thing. He was the most supportive...It....Playing football makes me feel closer to him. I guess I just want to make him proud. Besides, I love the attention. I do. I love when they cheer for me, when they pat me on the back after a win and most of all, I love how powerful I feel on the field." Rubbing his chin absentmindedly, he flashed her a smile, the cocky one she usually saw on his face and it lifted a weight off her chest she felt ever since she saw the great quarterback cradling himself in a state of sheer panic.

It almost breaks her heart to see him that way, because having your mind and body betray you like that is an indescribable feeling to know you can't trust yourself anymore. Despite all the voices in he read screaming at her not to, she reaches out, placing her hand over his so tenderly he thought he imagined her touch.

"Awe, you actually care!" Grayson cooed teasingly and she rolls her eyes, scooting away from him a little, taking her hand with her.

"Bite me, quarterback." And while they were definitely having a moment, he couldn't help but wonder if he could use this time to learn why she really hates him.

"Ooh, kinky! Where?" Winking at her, Grayson purses his lips and her exasperation is evident but he can't let her leave without at least some truth being revealed.

"So, I have a question." He says with a small smile and she raises an eyebrow at him, her left eye narrowing ever so slightly at him.

"I don't care." Sassing back, she turns her body away from him, trying to hide from his over-analyzing stare. His eyes, the way he looks at her always makes her feel naked. It's intense and it's unveiling and frustration and she didn't want any of it right now. She’s always had trouble with emotional connections and anyone getting too close made her nervous and Grayson particularly made her want to run away screaming.

"You asked one question, I get to ask one too. So...why do you hate me? I mean, I can't even understand what I did to you that's so bad...except for the eyebrows sophomore year BUT it was an accident and I apologized to you at least a hundred times." Looking over at him, her glare is clearly showing his jokes are not entertaining and she's had enough but if it means he'll shut up, she'll tell him.

"You stole my first kiss without even asking me the first time we met." She states through gritted teeth and the horror and confusion on his face is baffling to her. "Don't pretend otherwise. We were talking and I actually liked you before you thought it would be okay to just kiss me out of the blue before running off to puke in the bathroom."

"I SWEAR I", he was going to say he doesn't remember but it all sounded too familiar and he...well, he thought he dreamt that.

"Oh, God! I'm sorry! I was drunk off my ass that night and it was the first and last time I got drunk. I swear I thought I dreamed it. I really am an asshole." Running his hands through his luscious locks, Grayson hid his face as he wondered how the fuck did he forget about kissing Y/N fucking Y/L/N.

"Then there's the time you told Mike I was a snake and to stay away from me." She continues but he was shocked there's more than one reason and while he does remember doing this, she took it out of context.

"You got that all wrong. Mike was bragging around, saying he banged you and I was telling him he's a snake and I'd break his jaw if he keeps talking shit about you. He wasn't the guy for you. He just wasn't and I'm not sorry for that. I just wish you talked to me before assuming the worst of me." Leaning back against the wall, Grayson held her gaze fiercely. This was no time for weakness, he had to be brave and face her and make things better. It's been years and he...well, he's always had a thing for her.

One night stands were fun, but no girl ever challenged him nor intrigued him like her. She was so unapologetically herself, so beautiful even without trying and her mind works in such interesting ways that he was always in awe of her opinions, of her writing, of the way she sees the world.

"Alright...then how about when you conditioned the university to take Ethan on a full football scholarship or you wouldn't be going here? Did you ever wonder who you cost their lifelong dream? Because I know the guy who lost his spot and now he works at a gas station. And he deserved a lot better."

That was unexpected to say the least. If he were completely honest, it never crossed his mind someone might get cut when he insisted Ethan be accepted with him. Mostly because it was the only way for them to stay together and to be close to their dad in his final years.

"I didn't. I didn't think, I just felt. And it was wrong. I know that. But it also gave me and my brother a few more years with our dad and I'm sorry your friend got screwed over but I can't be sorry about why I did it. Just that I did it." Swallowing thickly, he watched her nibble on the lower left corner of her lips, her eyes falling to the ground and he could see the wheels in her head turning. She's overthinking, probably conflicted with what he told her and while it's not right, he knows she understands it.

"There were a bunch of pranks there as well, but these were the major reasons." She finishes, her eyes still fixed on the floor, unblinking and with a deep breath, Grayson moved closer to her.

"I'm really fucking sorry for hurting you, but I never meant to do any of those things. I just want to be your friend."

Chuckling, she finally blinks and looks up at him with more light in her eyes than he ever saw her looks at anyone but Amina with.

"Riight."

"I won't lie, I'm attracted to you, but I'd settle for friendship for now." Risking it, he places a hand on her back, craning his neck so he'd be in her line of sight for she turned her head away from him as soon as he started speaking, but she didn't fight his touch and that was encouraging enough.

"How about we make a little bet? Start this friendship right? Like...come to my next game and if we win, I get to ask anything of you. If we lose, you can ask me never to talk to you and I'll oblige. Is that good?" Expecting her to refuse, drowning in all the things he wants to tell her but he can't not yet.

He can't tell her he saw how her style evolved from wearing all black to actually having a colorful wardrobe. He saw the ring she ways wears on her right index finger and how she twirls it nervously before every exam or how she hates high heels but would still wear them to parties only to take them off an hour in. He saw how she struggled with her back in the second semester of freshman year, right after she fell on ice on the first day after the holidays. He knows she can't take a compliment but appreciates them, how she gets so involved with every book she reads that she makes the most beautiful faces when something interesting happens - she laughs, she cries, she loves the characters and after every book, it takes her a few days to remind herself it's all fictional, to say goodbye before finding a new book to obsess about. He also knows she has a waterfall as the background on her phone and that she wants nothing more than to visit Bali and Australia. He knows so much, yet so little and a from just observing her when she thought no one cared.

Grayson cared and he still does. He can't imagine a day he doesn't.

"Sure. Why not."

And as she agreed, the door opened and there was nothing better than the fresh air in their lungs after being stuck in there for what felt like forever.

However, Grayson won that game the next day and Y/N found herself actually cheering him on from the stands. It was definitely a new experience, but she didn't care. She didn't want to hate him anymore. It's exhausting to hate a guy who seems to be so painfully human that it's inspiring. There's nothing wrong in being human, in making mistakes and she decided to let go of his. As hard as it is, she had to. She couldn’t hate him forever, not when she knew his reasons and when she knows her friend had other choices and he gambled them all on his own.

"You really asked me to come to your room like that's not weird at all." She folds her arms over her chest and she can't help but be surprised with how tidy it is or the smell of wildflowers that fills her nostrils, she actually never imagined this is how his room would be. And she definitely didn't expect a keyboard in his room. He was full of surprises, the good kind.

"Seriously, what exactly am I doing here, quarterback? Expecting to get lucky?" She couldn't shake it though, that annoying feeling it was more than she could imagine. The way he is around her is just...disarming and equally alarming. She can't get too close. She just can't love him. Grayson Dolan is a womanizer and she'd be damned if she gives a man like him her heart.

She’s never loved anyone and she didn’t want her first love to be a guaranteed heartbreak. She wasn’t a part of the hookup culture, she didn’t know how to function in that world and she refused to learn. And while Grayson might have good intentions, he’d be onto the next one in the month. It’s all fun and games when they’re just flirting and annoying each other, but to actually involve her heart? It terrified her, pushed her body on an invisible ledge she didn’t want to jump from.

"Do you really think I brought you here for sex? I mean...I don't want to be presumptuous, but why would you come here if you think that's the reason why? Do you want to have sex?" Sitting up with the notion that this is a more serious conversation, Grayson quickly took a look at her and she was fidgeting, nervous as if...as if she never had sex.

"No. I just...I don't know, I'm not exactly the type that does this." Raising both his eyebrows, he realized he is right. His little devil is actually an angel. A fallen angel like Lucifer, but an angel nonetheless.

"I didn't bring you here for sex. I just wanted us to talk and...actually sleep next to each other. I can sleep on the floor if you want me to." As sweet as it is, she still couldn't relax. A man like him didn't seem quite content with nothing happening and she...well, she never slept next to a man before let alone more.

Overthinking took over and she found it harder and harder to breathe as her heart picked up speed and the possible outcomes of this night started to freak her out to the point of losing focus, losing touch with reality. The world felt like it moved too fast, her brain couldn’t fully comprehend anything around her. She found herself back in the black pit where a panic attack was preying on her like vultures pray on those lost in the desert.

"Y/N...are you...are you scared of me?" His voice breaks as reality sets in and he can tell she's shivering, her arms wrapped around her as she glances at the door every few seconds. But he had no expectations of that night but a long talk and getting to know her better. He just wanted to show her who he is, but she didn't seem to believe that.

"Look, I'm not like you. I didn't sleep around. I had my first kiss in college with you and I tried dating a few guys after who somehow all ghosted me once they started hanging with you and I'm guessing they were a versions of Mike so thank you, but I never had sex, I've never even held hands with a boy before! I can't do this. I just can't." And before he had a chance to react, she was gone. His beautiful mischievous girl ran from him and this time it wasn't because she hated him, but because she realized she might actually care for him.

Tags: @mendesficsxbombay @beinscorpio @peacedolantwins @dolandolll

PART 4

#dolan twins #grayson dolan #grayson dolan x reader #grayson dolan fanfic #grayson dolan imagine #grayson dolan series #grayson dolan fic #grayson dolan fanfiction #grayson dolan fluff #grayson dolan au #grayson dolan quarterback

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thoughtfullyyoungduck · 5 years ago

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Haunting part two

Summary: Part two of haunting. Eddie and Richie try and find a way to protect their daughter

Richie and Eddie barely had the decency to wait until it was eight A.M. they hadn’t been able to sleep, to consumed with worry for their daughters safety. Eddie didn’t say anything to Richie about the yellow eyes he saw, or maybe Richie had seen them but had just though not to worry Eddie, because he wouldn’t be able to keep calm if he saw his husband panic as well.

Jessie had slept through the night peacefully, for which Eddie was grateful. He and Richie had kept wake until six A.M, when she woke up, then they had gotten up to make breakfast. Neither left her alone for a minute, standing by the bathroom door when she had to use the bathroom, dead set on not giving penny wise another chance to attack her.

They weren’t even sure if it was really penny wise, but with what Eddie saw, he didn’t want to take any chances. They called Stan first, because despite the fact that Bill was their leader, and Mikel we most about the evil creatures, Stan was the one who would listen to their ranting, and tell them honestly If they were being paranoid. He also was Richie’s best friend.

They called at eight, fully aware that Stan would be pissed beyond belief at being woken up so early. He and Patty were enjoying the last few months of a goodnight sleep, patty being pregnant for about seven months give or take.

Regardless Eddie insisted on dialing their home line, instead of their selfphone, knowing full well Patty would force Stan to pick up. After patty found out about what happened to the loser club in their youth, she had become very protective of all of them. Eddie figures that if Patty grew up with them, she definitely would have been part of the losers club.

Stan picks up after the third ring, his voice rough with sleep and annoyance when he asks; ‘why are you calling me at 8 fucking A.M?’ Richie’s holding the phone tightly in his hand. He and Eddie are sitting on the couch, watching Jessie play with her toys on the rug carpet.

They’re holding hands, and it almost feels normal, except Richie isn’t making a joke and the nervous energy buzzing around them usually isn’t present in their household. Eddie feels like he’s suffocating. ‘Hello?’ Stan asks when he doesn’t receive with a response right away. ‘Stan,’ Richie says, squeezing Eddie’s hand hard. Stan lets out a hum, indicating that he’s listening.

‘Okay so, I think Jessie is seeing Pennywise again.’ Richie pauses, but there’s no immediate response. For the first time Eddie wonders if they should’ve called someone else first, and he feels guilty for putting this on Stanley of all people. ‘She says she saw him come in a nightmare last night, and it may be a coincidence but I don’t think so. Stan I’m, I’m scared.’ Richie lowers his voice, trying not to attract the attention of Jessica.

She’s looking up from her toys to look, but doesn’t find the conversation interesting enough to keep paying attention. Eddie knows how difficult it must be for Richie to admit he’s scared, and he’s so proud of him for doing. ‘Richie’, Stan says, his voice shaky yet determined. ‘I think we need to call the other losers.’

---------------------------------

It takes a day before all the losers arrive at their house, and in the meanwhile neither Eddie nor Richie have slept on bit. When Beverly and Ben arrive, they force them to go to bed. Eddie argues, not wanting to leave Jessie all by herself, but Beverly told him that he wouldn’t be any help if he was dead tired.

So he and Richie went to bed, having a fitful sleep. Eddie wakes up first, and he follows the sound of his daughters giggles down to the living room. She’s on the couch with Stan and Bill, who she both loves dearly, playing a game of Pictionary. Eddie would scold them for bringing markers on expensive furniture, but right now Eddie is just mostly thankful that she’s okay and happy. He bends down and gives Jessie a kiss on her head, hoping that she hadn’t taken notice of the commotion at their house. Patty looks up when he enters the room, instantly rushing him toward the kitchen, where Beverly, Ben and Mike are huddled together, going through a few books.

‘Did you find anything’? Eddie immediately inquires. He realizes that he’s been very rude to the people he hasn’t talked to yet, including Mike who must have arrived when he and Richie were sleeping, but he finds it very hard to be polite when he can’t seem to relax for a few minutes.

Mike doesn’t mind anyway, as he throws Eddie a polite smile. He looks good, there’s worry in his eyes, because he loves Jessie as much as Eddie does, but overall good. Taking a trip around the world is bringing him nothing but positivity. Eddie briefly has a fleeting sense of gratitude when he realizes Mike must have cut his vacation short in Honolulu to be here and help.

Ben shakes his head sominly. ‘No it doesn’t make sense at all. We killed IT, we must have, considering we still all remember each other. Plus the house on Neibolt collapsed’, Ben explains, ‘it hasn’t even been 27 years.’ He makes eye contact with Beverly, who makes eye contact with Mike. It’s clear to Eddie that they’re hiding something, he’s just not sure what.

‘Eddie’, Beverly starts, pausing when Bill and Stan and Patty enter the room. ‘She’s watching tv,’ Bill soothes when he sees Eddie’s frantic eyes. Beverly and Stan share a long pause. ‘Is it possible that it was just a clown?’ Stan asks, always one to call people on their bullshit. Eddie deflates a bit, he really needs the support of the people in his house, he had no idea what else he was supposed to do.

‘We’re not saying we don’t believe you Eddie, we do. We’re just saying that everyone is a little paranoid and maybe that’s just what it is. A little bit paranoia.’ Patty is trying her best to keep everyone calm, bless her soul, but she didn’t understand what Eddie had seen.

He hadn’t told Richie either but he wasn’t giving any choice in the matter now, as he had to prove that it was Pennywise. ‘I saw IT’s eyes,’ he breathed panickily.

Everyone’s head shot up, staring at Eddie as he forced out his words. ‘I saw two yellow eyes last night in the bedroom. That’s how I knew it was IT, and not some weird coincidence.’ He doesn’t notice the figure coming up behind him, until he too speaks.

‘You did?’ Richie asks, his voice cracking. Eddie whips around to look at his husband. Richie looks disheveled, and not In the way that Eddie finds hot or attractive. Eddie’s silent, not knowing what the say. The others don’t speak either. Richie looks hurt, as if he can’t believe Eddie would keep things like this from him.

Eddie hadn’t meant too, honestly, but he didn’t want to worry Richie, and he thought he could deal with it on his own, without informing his husband.

‘Why didn’t you tell me Eddie?’ Richie asks, his voice hard. Eddie flinches at the use of his full name, not used to it coming out of Richie’s mouth. ‘I’m sorry Rich, I just didn’t see the point. I’m sorry.’ Eddie says while stepping forward to place his hands on Richie’s arm. Richie steps back before that can happen however.

‘I can’t believe you lied to me about this. Are you ducking kidding me? This is our daughters life we’re discussing here.’ Richie is angry, and Eddie knows he has every right to be, but he can’t fight with Richie now. He doesn’t have the energy too. ‘I’m sorry okay, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to bother you with all of this.’

Instead of diffusing the situation, it seems to make Richie livid. Eddie had never seen this look on his face before. Only once, when Myra had called the police trying to force Eddie to come home with her. Richie had been consumed with rage then as well.

‘Not bother me with this? What does that even mean? I get that you want to do things on your own Eddie. You can, you don’t need to proof it every time. You’re proving your mom and Myra that you don’t need anyone fine. But have you ever considered the fact that I already know that? You’re brave and selfless and so much more than you think, but this is also my daughter. I have just as much right to be worried about Jessie as you do. You can’t keep that from me.’

The words are like a slap to Eddie’s face. It stings, but he knows Richie’s right. When the words leave Richie’s mouth, he deflates, heaving a sigh. ‘I’m sorry Eds. That was out of line.’

Eddie steps forwards and this time Richie meets him in the middle, circling his arms around his. ‘I’m just so worried.’ Eddie shakes his head, about to tell him that he’s right, when Jessie comes skipping in the kitchen. Instantly everyone pretends that nothing happened, only partly successful, but everyone does a double take when they see what she’s holding. In her right hand she’s holding onto a cord, reaching up to a deep red balloon. It floats in the air, Jessie being unaware of the panic it’s causing the people in the room.

Richie jumps forward, pulling Jessie in his arm while desperately trying to let her let go of the balloon. Eddie follows right away.

‘Where did you get that sweetheart?’ Eddie asks, feeling his heartbeat frantically in his throat. Jessie smiles brightly. ‘Mister Pennywise gave it to me. He said he was sorry for scaring, so he gave me a balloon to make up for it.’

She frowns when Bill takes the balloon out of her hands, mike getting scissors to pop it. ‘Hey, that’s a gift.’ She complains. Eddie quickly shushes her. ‘It’s okay, next time we go to a shop I’ll let you pick something else okay?’

It seems like she’s happy with that compromise because she doesn’t mention the balloon again. Patty is send away then, on stan’s request, even though she insist that she could be of help. She relents when she realizes that she’s seven months pregnant, and Eddie and Richie want to make sure that Jessie is as far away from IT as possible.

She takes Jessica to the mall, luring her with the promise of ice cream. Eddie is glad when their car pulls of the drive way, but he would feel a lot better when they finally figure out what’s going on.

He and Richie share a look, and Eddie knows that they’re okay. They’ll still talk about the fight, but for now, they’re okay. The other losers are now frantically going through the books again.

‘Wow, the books look as old as your mom’s vagina Eds’ he jokes, and Eddie rolls his eyes in annoyance. He’s glad however, that Richie is coming to himself again.

Looking through the old books Mike brought with him takes up most of the day, and by the end Eddie is ready to call it a day. He wants to protect his daughter, obviously, but reading hasn’t brought up anything, so it might be time to change the game plan. Right when the though crosses his mind however, Mike shouts excitingly. ‘I’ve found something guys.’

He’s pointing to a page in his book, but doesn’t wait until anyone can read it before turning the books towards him again and reading the passage. ‘It’s possible that a piece of the soul of this outer being is transported into something. Potentially an object or even a person. It is the last option to survive.’ Mike sounds relieved after he finishes, but Eddie honestly has no clue what to make of it. By the looks of it, neither do the others.

‘Guys’, Mike exclaims, ‘this is what happened. We killed IT, but maybe not completely. Richie, is there anything you’ve got from Jessie that you don’t recognize buying?’

Eddie thinks himself, but comes up empty handed. He honestly doesn’t know which things he bought and what Richie bought. Usually, they go shopping together. All at once it hits him. ‘Mister Cuddle’, he mumbles. Bill laughs at the name, stopping when Stan shoots him a hard look. Richie looks up, already nodding his head.

‘That’s right, I remember thinking that it was weird, but I just assumed one of you guys bought it for her.’ Everyone shakes their heads. They hadn’t purchased the stuffed animal. Ben and Richie go up to grab it, not wanting to be alone with the thing. Eddie stays downstairs to figure out a plan. ‘How are we supposed to get rid of IT?’

Eddie asks, fully prepared to do anything if it would just let his family have some peace and quiet. Mike looks at him, and his look already makes Eddie feel like he’s not going to like it.

---------------

It smells horrendous. The fire they had set in the backyard is still burning, and it smells like burning flesh. Eddie pretty sure he’s not going to go on a camping trip any time soon. His arm is linked with Richie’s, his lip busted and Richie’s hand cut open. Killing IT completely hadn’t been easy, but they had done it, they had set the bastard on fire.

They could only hope, that this time it would be forever. A car pulls up behind them, and the losers club turns to look, everyone on edge after the past two days. It’s just Patty, carrying Jessie out of the car, fast asleep in her arms. Jessie seems to notice that she isn’t in a car anymore, her head snapping up and looking around.

Her eyes focus on her fathers, and she struggles against Patty’s grip in her hast to get down. As soon as she’s on the ground, she runs towards her fathers, who hold her tightly, happy that she’s safe. Eddie doesn’t mention it, but he swears he sees tears in Richie’s eyes. When they’re done hugging, and Jessie pulls back she scrunches up her nose. ‘Where’s mister cuddles?’ She asks, and Eddie chokes, looking at Richie for help.

All Richie can do is mutter our a small, ‘shit.’

#reddie #eddie kaspbrack #richie tozier #My writing #Richie x Eddie #reddie imagine #reddie x daughter #richie x daughter #eddie imagine #eddie x daughter #it chapter two imagine

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just-my-fandom · 5 years ago

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Lost (Jim Hopper x Reader x Steve Harrington)

Summary; Reader finds Jim’s letter he wrote for her and Steve. Extra, Reader adopts Eleven and stays in Hawkins, becoming the new chief of Hawkins

This includes a lot of angsty fluff with Steve, you’re welcome. This also went totally off topic but oh well

Hey guess what it’s my bIRTHDAY, in like, three hours lmao

I had to write this again and it’s pissing me off

______________________________________________

The sirens knock you from your trance. The paramedics finally let you go after patching your bloody nose, and now your eyes searched for the Chief of Hawkins

You find Joyce, holding Will tight in tears that already answer your question

Just like Billy, Jim Hopper is dead.

You don’t want to believe it. You can’t. You had hoped maybe, just maybe, Jim would come out from behind an ambulance, looking for you, or Eleven

Your knees can no longer support your body. You collapse in front of paramedics and friends, and Steve barely pushes by the crowds in time to catch you,

“Hey, hey,” Steve slowly kneels at the parking lot beneath him, hand shoving sweat damped hair from your forehead, “What’s wrong?”

Joyce looks over at Steve’s voice, releasing Will to inch towards you and sink down in front of you,

“Y/N,” She breathes, “I’m so sorry,”

“No,” You gasp in a deep breath, burning eyes leaving hers as your hand clutched at Steve’s Scoops Ahoy shirt, “No, he has to be here,”

Steve looks up at Joyce with realization, your sob bringing his gaze back down to you when your head leans into his chest,

Steve’s hand curls into your hair, lowering his body fully to the ground to get a better grip around your trembling figure,

“It’s okay,” Steve slowly speaks, voice low so only you could hear, “Dont worry, I got you,”

People look away. Pained to watch the daughter of the Chief so hurt. Even Eleven can’t feel your pain.

. . .

The room is now empty. Joyce had volunteered to clean Jim’s room in case you couldn’t contain any emotions, but your face had Joyce suggesting you take the job,

So here you sat, filling up the last box of Jim’s shirts and papers,

But one catches your eye

It’s sticking out of Jim’s wacky Hawaiian shirt, and when you pull it out, is crumbled from being folded too many time,

Held tilting in confusion, you sit back off your legs to get more comfortable, opening the letter and instantly recognizing your fathers terrible handwriting

"Feelings. Jesus. The truth is, for so long, I'd forgotten what those even were. I'd been stuck in one place; in a cave, you might say. A deep, dark cave. And then your mother gave me custody of you, and I was brought from that cave. For the first time in a long time, I started to feel things again. I started to feel happy. Lately, I guess I've been feeling distant from you. Like you're pulling away from me, or something. I miss playing board games every night with Eleven , making Triple Decker Eggo Extravaganzas at sunrise, watching Westerns together before we doze off. But I know you're getting older - older than you already are. I guess, if I'm being really honest, that's what scares me. I don't want things to change. So I think that's maybe why I came in here, to stop that change. To turn back the clock. To make things go back to how they were. You’re graduated, you’re in love. But I know that's naive; that's just now how life works. It's moving, always moving, whether you like it or not. And yeah, sometimes that's painful. Sometimes it's sad. And sometimes, it's surprising, happy. So, you know what? Keep on growing up, kid. Don't let me stop you. Make mistakes. Learn from them. When life hurts you, because it will, remember the hurt. The hurt is good. It means you're out of that cave. But please - if you don't mind, for the sake of your poor, old dad - keep the door open three inches.”

A cracked laugh escapes your lips. It’s watery, and it’s the first laugh in almost a week, but it’s there,

Your father always was terrible with emotions, no matter who it was. You weren’t sure if it was because of loosing Sara and your mom leaving, or if he was just that kind of man

You’re afraid to let the note go. It’s the last visible piece you have of him left, and you feared it would disappear like he had done,

So you don’t. You tuck the note into the back pocket of your jeans, lift the box, and walk out with a smile knowing how Jim really felt.

. . .

“So, what are you gonna do?”

You look up from the box in your arms, staring at Joyce has she slides her hands in her pockets

“I think El and I are gonna stay here,” You finally breathe, setting down the box near the door of the small cabin for Eleven to grab, “Eleven needs Mike and the others, I’m not quite ready to leave Steve yet,” You glance to the side, then around the destroyed home

“Are you going to be okay here alone?” Joyce asks calmly, your eyes looking back at her,

“I’m not alone,” You crack a smile, Joyce smiling back and opening her arms for a hug, squeezing your shoulders lightly,

“You want to stay here while I grab the papers?” Joyce leans back, accepting your nod and second smile,

“So?” Mike and Eleven look over when you enter her now empty room, your figure leaning against the doorframe,

You pause, before a large smile tugs at your lips and Mike is glancing at Eleven,

“We’re staying,”

“Really?” Mike gasps, turning to Eleven and hugging her, “But doesn’t Joyce want you guys leaving with them?”

“I’m a grown woman,” You lift a shoulder, “And I’m at the age to adopt, so Elevens technically my daughter now,” You grin, Eleven grimacing,

“And please,” You point a finger two them, “Keep the door three inches,”

You move into the hallway, Eleven gasping at the familiar sentence,

“That’s dads line!”

. . .

“I’m glad you could make it, Y/N,”

You enter the back area of the police station, smiling at Florence,

“You needed to see me?” You tilt your head, Florence nodding and standing up, moving to a shelf with a familiar brown hat- Jim’s Chief hat,

“I figured Jim would want you to have this,” Florence hands you the hat, watching you run your fingers across the front, “Besides, you’ll need it during work hours,”

“Work hours?” You pinch your eyebrows together, turning as she moves back to her seat, “What does that mean?”

“You’re the new Chief, of course,” Florence leans back in her seat, “Unless you don’t want it, but I would’ve thought you’d like to keep your family name going,”

“I-,” Your brows furrow again, staring down at the hat, “Yeah. Yeah, of course I want it,”

“Great,” Florence holds up a uniform already in your size, “You start Monday. Gives you the weekend to settle back in with that other kid of Jim’s,”

“Thank you,” You take the uniform, “I’ll see you on Monday,”

“You got it Chief,”

. Another time skip oof .

“I think I like this place,”

Your hands settle on your hips, eyes scanning the living room of the small home you bought near Dustin’s,

“Me too,” Eleven moves next to you, scanning the house herself for approval,

You look down at her, throwing an arm around her shoulder, “Dad would be proud of you,” You tell her, Eleven sliding her arm to your lower back,

“He would be proud of you too,” Eleven moves to the table in the corner, picking up Jim’s hat and walking up to you, standing on her toes to place it on your head, “Chief Hopper,”

“I’m definitely gonna have to get used to that,” Your smile widens, tugging Eleven against you and holding her in a hug,

“Want me to drop you off at Mikes on my way to Steve’s?” You pull of the hat, grabbing your keys and moving towards the door,

Eleven grins, nodding and following you out of the house, slamming the door shut behind her,

“But remember,” You warn, turning to her, “Keep the door three inches,”

#stranger things x reader #stranger things #stranger things imagine #jim hopper #jim hopper x reader #jim hopper imagine #steve harrington #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington x reader

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eddiesasspbrak · 4 years ago

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When I’m With You Ch. 19

Eddie can’t stand the barista at his favorite coffee shop. Richie has fallen in love with the man he sees twice a week. Stan is dating someone but won’t let his friends meet them. Ben is in love with Beverly, but is so afraid of scaring her away he’s not moving forward. Chaotic friends navigating college together.

(HEADS UP emotional manipulation from a parental figure ahead. Proceed with caution)

Ch. 1

Read on AO3

3k+ words

The café was bustling when they arrived. The line went out the door and Mike and Bill were practically blurs flying around behind the counter trying to keep up with the mess. Eddie led them to the back of the line, ignoring his mother’s grumbling about the crowd and the inevitable long wait. He was trying to think positively, something that was nearly impossible with her around. In his head, everything would work out fine and the day would end without incident. Of course, he knew the truth and was sure she already hated Richie, but he had to hold out hope because he was finally happy.

“This line is ridiculous. How slow can they possibly be?” She griped.

Eddie held his tongue and was grateful that Richie did the same. He was sure that he wanted to say the same thing sitting on his tongue begging to be said. They thought they had the day off and had fun last night only to be dragged out of bed hungover and exhausted and are trying their best to get the line down without mistake! The little half-moon indents his nails were working into his palms would be sore later, but it helped Eddie keep his mouth shut.

As they finally got to the door, the person in front of it holding it open with their shoulder, they could see just how tired the duo looked. Bill had bags under his eyes as he took orders, stepping away from the register from time to time to pour plain coffee for a waiting customer. Mike zipped around making the more complicated drinks. The pastry case was scarce with no time to make trips to the back. Feeling for his friends and wanting to get away from the hateful words directed at them from Sonia before he said anything he’d regret; Richie shouldered his way past the line.

“I’m going to go help.” Was his only explanation and then he was inside, making his way to the counter.

Bill and Mike both lit up when they saw their friend coming to their rescue. Richie immediately went to the register, not bothering with an apron, relieving Bill who ran to the back for more baked goods. The three were always a treat to watch as they wove around each other flawlessly, not knocking into each other and seeming to read each other’s minds in the process. Eddie always thought it was a testament to their friendship how well they could work together. Eddie wondered if he, Ben and Stan would be the same. He couldn’t imagine them working together but they had their own strengths in their friendship.

For instance, when Eddie and his mom made it into the café, Stan, who had been draped across a table looking half dead, sat up straight and plastered a big fake smile on his face. His friends knew they had to put on a show to prevent things getting more difficult for Eddie.

“Mrs. Kaspbrak, how lovely to see you.”

“Stanley.” She said his name with a wrinkle of her nose as if she smelled something disgusting. “I didn’t realize you two were still friends.”

“Mom, I talk about him all the time. I told you I was with him just last week. Ben too.” Eddie said, hoping his smile was sweet enough that she wouldn’t be angered by his words.

“Right. A distraction from your studies.”

“Well...actually...Ben and I have a class together. So...we...study...together.” Eddie was losing his voice as his mother’s expression turned annoyed. He hated how afraid he was to anger her. Hated that Richie was going to see him like this. Why did he think this was a good idea again? Oh right, he’d been lost in the fantasy that he had a normal parent who maybe might be happy that he had a good group of friends who cared for him and a boyfriend who he loved. Instead he had Sonia. Judgmental of all, overprotective, no one good enough for her poor fragile little boy. Except he wasn’t. He’d hurt himself and gotten over it without her help. It was his friends who took care of him until he was well again. He’d always heard the saying ‘friends are the family you choose’ and he definitely believed that. But he wasn’t able to just cut her off. Not yet at least. He hoped one day when he wasn’t financially dependent he would have the strength to separate himself from her. Another dream for another time.

“I thought we came here for coffee and a snack. Not to interact with your...friends.” She said the word with a sneer as if it tasted bad in her mouth.

“Well I...my friends work here.”

“Those slow boys?” She asked.

“Mike and Bill.” Stan was holding back the protective anger he felt for his boys.

“It’s almost our turn mom, we can leave after we get coffee.” Eddie was beginning to feel hopeless. This was a bad idea. He should have just walked right past Richie when he saw him at the building. He shouldn’t have brought his mom here to meet his friends. She would never approve no matter what he did.

As they reached the front of the line, a small smile lit up on Richie’s lips when he saw Eddie. “Something special again today Spa...ah...ahem, Eddie?”

“Small black coffee.” Eddie said, knowing his mom would disprove of him getting one of the sugary drinks Richie made for him. He hoped she didn’t hear the disappointment in his voice.

“I’ll have a frozen blended vanilla drink. Large.” She said, eyeing the tray Bill was carrying out of pastries. “Are those chocolate chip scones?”

“Yes, they are.” Richie said, beaming.

“I’ll take two of those.”

“You know mom, Richie makes most of the pastries they sell here. They’re really good.” Eddie felt a swell of pride and thought maybe his mom wouldn’t mind having a future son in law who could bake.

“Well I certainly hope so since I’m spending my hard-earned money on them.” She grumbled as she handed over her card.

Finished paying, Eddie gave Richie an apologetic look, grabbing the bag of scones, before moving to the end of the counter to wait for their drinks. Mike caught Eddie’s eye as he poured the two cups of coffee. It had calmed down considerably since Richie had started helping them out.

“Hey Eddie. Didn’t expect to see you here today.” He greeted, setting his plain coffee on the counter.

“I ran into Richie and I was telling my mom how great the coffee and pastries are here. She wanted to try them for herself so here we are.” He grinned. “Mom, this is Mike. He’s a friend of mine. Mike this is my mom.”

“Mrs. Kaspbrak, nice to meet you.” Mike had heard Stan greet her, figuring he’d call her the same way.

“Michael was it? Make sure my drink isn’t too cold. I have sensitive teeth.”

“Uh...sure. Absolutely.” Mike wasn’t sure how to make a frozen drink less cold without it melting and based on what he’d heard about her from Stan, he figured this was a setup. Especially with the ashamed and embarrassed way Eddie was looking at him. Still, he did his best to make it and hoped she wouldn’t say it was too cold. The last thing he wanted was for Eddie to feel bad because his mom makes a scene over a drink order. He already seemed extremely wound up, ready to snap under the pressure any second. He and Bill hadn’t known Eddie for very long, but they already cared for him and had been worried about him since he’d announced the visit.

Luckily, when she accepted her order and took a sip she had no reaction whatsoever, good or bad. Mike breathed out a sigh of relief as did Eddie. When they turned back to the table Stan occupied, they found Ben and Bev had arrived without their noticing. Ben knew how to handle his mom, but he was a bit worried about Bev. Sure, they’d warned her, but if Sonia said the wrong thing and offended her, he wasn’t sure Bev could keep from arguing back. Still, she smiled, a genuine smile and made her way over to them.

“Eddie!” She leaned in and planted a quick kiss to his cheek. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to show my mom my favorite coffee shop. I thought you and Ben would still be asleep.”

“Nah, Bill texted, and we came to show our support.” She turned to his mother with a sickeningly sweet grin. “You must be Mrs. Kaspbrak! It’s wonderful to meet you! I’m Beverly Marsh, Ben’s girlfriend.”

“You have a boyfriend, but you kiss another boy so easily? You don’t want men to think you're loose, do you dear?”

Bev held her grin. “I only care what Ben and my friends think and they know me well enough to know my kisses are innocent.” She turned her gaze to Eddie. “Right, Eddie?”

“Oh, um…sure. Bev is like a sister to me.”

“Such a silly notion to compare friends to family.” Sonia sighed. “Come not Eddie, I’m tired and want to rest.”

Eddie almost felt relieved to be leaving though he wished things had gone better. He longed for a magic wand he could wave and make his mother normal and accepting of his beloved friends. Baby steps. That’s all he needed. One tiny step at a time until she accepted every aspect of his life or she would lose him.

He said his goodbyes to his friends and locked eyes with Richie over his shoulder as he headed toward the door. The sympathetic, almost sad, smile he returned made Eddie want to run and leap across the counter and kiss it away. Maybe next time.

“I will never understand why you insist on being friends with those boys.” Sonia had started in on Eddie’s choice of friends as soon as they left the café and hadn’t let up. “They’re no good for you. You don’t need the distraction of socialization right now. You need to focus on school so you can graduate and come home.”

A chill went through Eddie. Home was no longer where he grew up. Home was his apartment, his friends, Richie. Most parents wanted their children to go off and find their own place in the world with people who love and support them. Not Sonia. Sonia wanted Eddie to experience the world without her and come cowering back to the safety of her bosom. Things weren’t going according to plan so she’d do what she could to drive a wedge between Eddie and his support system. He had no intention of returning to her house.

“That place was filthy. I won’t be surprised if we end up sick tonight.” She wolfed down both chocolate chip scones on the walk between harsh words without concern for getting sick. It made his belly boil because Richie likely made those scones. He was a skilled baker and she seemed to enjoy the scones. Why couldn’t she just admit that and compliment him instead? It was maddening. How could someone be so negative about everything around them all the time? It was exhausting.

“I drink their coffee several times a week and I’ve never gotten sick.” Eddie felt more emboldened now that they were out of the public eye and waiting for the elevator in his building. He wanted to protect his friends and it was bubbling up inside him to speak out in their defense. Even if it made things worse for him.

She ignored him. “And that girl. Flouncing around kissing every boy that isn’t her boyfriend. How disgusting. You don’t need a girl like that in your life. She’ll convince you to do things you’re not ready for and you’ll end up with a disease. Make sure you wash your cheek with hot water and soap when we get inside.

Things I’m not ready for? Last night I was on my hands and knees with a dick up my ass begging for more. I don’t even fuck girls. If I did, I’d be lucky to get a girl like her. “Bev isn’t like that. She loves Ben. She loves her friends.”

Again, ignored. She just didn’t want to hear it. Nothing would change her mind about them. It didn’t matter that she was hurting him by putting down the people he loved. She wouldn’t be happy until she controlled every aspect of his life and he knew it. He just didn’t want to believe that she couldn’t change. Eddie unlocked the door and stepped inside, not caring if she followed after him or not. In fact, if she’d decided to turn around and head back down to her car and leave without saying goodbye, he’d be thrilled.

“I found this group back home of other mothers who are just as close with their kids and I think it would be a good idea for us to meet with them. You can make friends who were raised right by parents who only want the best for their children.” She was grinning like she was pleased with herself. Eddie felt sick.

“There’s nothing wrong with my friends.”

“I’m sure you think so Eddie Bear, but you can do better. Better than those boys you met back home, better than that girl and the boys in the coffee shop. Especially that one with the glasses. Just because someone is your neighbor doesn’t mean you have to be friends with them.”

“Mom.” He couldn’t handle her putting down Richie. The bubbles were rising. In his chest.

“There was something off about him. I don’t trust him, and I don’t think you should be spending time with him.”

“Mom. Stop.” Up his throat.

“He looked like he doesn’t wash properly and that can negatively effect your health. Especially if you’re eating food he has prepared.

“Seriously, mom. You need to-.” Across his tongue.

“Maybe we should find you a new apartment building, so you won’t be so close to him. How much do you even know about him? He’s not a stalker is he?”

“MOM!” Pop. Eddie shouted. Sonia jolted like she’d just been slapped. Eddie had argued with her before. Raised his voice even. But not like this, not with this anger. It was radiating off of him.

“Eddie, there’s no reason to shout. I’m right here.”

“You’re not listening to me! I…I can’t do this anymore. Why did you have to come visit?”

“To check up on you and make sure you’re doing ok of course. I’m your mother. Am I not allowed to visit my son?”

“I’ve told you I’m doing fine. I’m getting good grades. I’m staying out of trouble. You don’t need to come check on me. I already come home for holidays. Just go home!”

“There is no need to be so rude, Eddie. I visit because I care about you. You don’t have anyone out here to look after you.”

“Yes! I do! You just spend the last twenty minutes berating them and you don’t even know them! You never even try to get to know them! I love them. They’re my friends and they love me too. They take care of me. We take care of each other. They are my family!”

“But Eddie-.”

“They’re important to me and I’m not going to listen to you put them down anymore! I’ve tried to keep my mouth shut. Bit my tongue to get through each visit until I taste blood, but I just can’t anymore. Ben and Stan have always been there for me. I don’t know Mike and Bill that well and they’re already so important to me and have helped me in more ways than you could possibly know. Bev is such a beautiful person who won’t hesitate to stand up for a complete stranger and who has been cheering me on since day one and Richie…Richie is the light in the darkness. He makes everything else make sense. He’s stupid and hilarious and so, so good. And I…I love him. I love them all, but I love Richie more.”

Sonia was silent for once as Eddie tried to find that last push to get the words out of his mouth once and for all. The bubbles were dissipating in his chest. He just needed one more to work its way out. To solidify what he was trying to say so she couldn’t convince herself he meant anything else. He had to get it out before she found her own words and he lost the fire in his belly. He took a deep breath, he balled his hands into fists, and he grew tall, head held high.

“I love Richie more because he’s my boyfriend. I’m gay and Richie Tozier is my boyfriend and I love him and nothing you can say or do will ever change that.”

Now that he was done. He waited for her to respond while trying to hold that empowered feeling in his chest. If he let it slip away, he wasn’t sure what he would say or do. He couldn’t lose now. Couldn’t take back what he’d said and go back to bending at her will and taking her harsh words at the expense of everything and everyone he loved. He didn’t know how she would react, what she would say.

“I understand Eddie.” That definitely wasn’t what he’d expected. “You’re an adult now. You’re going to have a lot of different experiences. That’s normal. But eventually you’ll have to grow up and move on from those childish rebellions.”

Did she mean Richie? Was she saying that being gay and dating Richie were both acts of rebellion? A phase he’d outgrow? How could she be so far in denial of what Eddie was? To believe that falling in love with another man was just a temporary fixation that would pass with age.

“You’ll grow out of it in time, but for now…I don’t want you seeing that boy.”

“What?”

“He’s not good enough for you. He’s a barista in a shabby café. You’ll end it tomorrow.”

“I will not!”

“You will. You said nothing I can do will change the way you feel.” She’d gone eerily calm as she took a step closer to Eddie. “I pay for your school. I pay for your apartment and your food. You break up with him tomorrow or I will no longer support you. As soon as you come to your senses everything will go back to normal and I’ll continue to pay your way through college. Until then, pack your bags.”

Oh.

#reddie #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #It (2017)#it (2019)#Ro writes

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thinger-strang · 5 years ago

Text

Singing in the Shower and Other Sins (aka three times Steve was caught singing and the one time he wasn't)

@gideongrace this is for you 😚

(link to the version on ao3 https://archiveofourown.org/works/21394876 )

Steve sings all the time. Loud and off key in a goofy sort of lovable way. He jams with Dustin on their way to school, dances around Scoops and Family Video when it's slow, uses anything and everything as a mic.

Which made it so weird when Robin walked into work to find Steve singing like, good.

He had his back to her with an armful of tapes. His voice was soft and he was gently bopping (so he didn't drop all the videos). But his voice was so good!

Robin leaned against the wall and just observed Steve for a moment. It was weird, almost wrong, to hear the correct sound notes come from him.

"Having fun there, Springsteen?"

She shouldn't have scared him, she knows that. But his face was so funny when spun around, barely holding onto his stack of tapes.

"Jesus, warn a guy, Buckley!" He snapped, running his free hand through his hair.

"You can sing."

"What?"

"You always sing bad when I'm around, but you can like actually sing! Like sing really good!"

"Oh, no I wasn't singing? That was...that was definitely just the radio, I can't sing for shit, you know that--"

"Nuh uh Harrington, I know your dirty little secret now! You've got pipes!"

Steve rolled his eyes.

"Rob." He started putting stuff away again. "You of all people know I can't sing to save my life."

"I just heard you, don't know why you're denying it."

"Whatever, go get your vest before Keith gets here." Steve nodded towards the break room door but smiled at her knowingly.

"Fucking knew it!" She shouted as she went to put her vest on. "Why are you trying to hide this magnificent gift God herself has bestowed upon you?"

Steve shrugged and handed her half his stack once she got back.

"Don't tell anyone, don't need you messing up what little cred I have left."

She flipped him off.

He stuck his tongue out at her.

Life went on.

ii.

Steve made the mistake of telling Dustin where the spare key to his front door was. Under the ceramic frog in the planter left of the door. But the kid was basically his little brother and he'd shown Steve where his spare key was the week before. So they were even now.

So Dustin let himself and the rest of the party into Steve's house for an impromptu hang out sesh. Mike, Lucas, and Max made a beeline for the kitchen to drop off the arm fulls of snack they had while Dustin showed Will and Jane around.

Jane had started going by "Jane" full time since the Hopper-Byers move and the party was supportive as always. And since their move, the party had had three? maybe four hang outs at Steve's. So a tour was necessary since they missed the preliminary Casa de Harrington party.

"Holy shit do you guys hear that?" Will whispered once they got to the second floor's landing.

The other two stopped and listened. They heard a shower running and a radio going. Nothing special. Dustin strained his ears.

"No way."

"'No way' what?" Lucas asked as he, Max, and Mike joined them.

"That's Steve singing in the shower!"

"What's so bad about him singing in the shower?" Jane asked.

"Steve can't sing to save his life!" Mike said, incredulously.

"He's not that bad guys," Max tried to defend him.

"Okay, I love the guy like a brother but he drives me to school everyday and no, he cannot sing." Dustin explained as they crept closer to the bathroom door.

The shower shut off and his voice became clearer. The party continued bickering until the door swung open. Steam billowed out and Steve sang a line until he noticed the gaggle of teenagers in his hallway.

"What the fuck guys."

"What the fuck yourself Steven!" Mike shot back.

"Yeah, are you serious? For like, almost a year I've had to listen to you screech along to the radio when you've had the voice of an angel this whole time?! That's just plain rude." Dustin crossed his arms dramatically.

"Angelic's a little generous, Henderson."

"Your voice is really pretty," Jane said in awe.

Steve blushed and wrapped his arms around his torso.

"Thanks kid. Hey, how's Missouri treating you guys?" Steve pulled his shirt from the floor and put it on.

"Pretty good, the school has a huge library and Will joined an art club!" Jane said excitedly.

Will nodded along with her, putting his hands into his hoodie.

"Oh that's awesome! Glad you guys like it up there--"

"Can we get back to the whole 'Steve can actually sing' thing? Because that's still blowing my mind," Lucas interjected, flailing his arms a little.

"Yeah, can you sing Whitney? Because those were some pretty high notes if my ears don't decieve me." Max grinned evilly.

"No, I can't sing Whitney, I can barely sing, remember?" Steve sounded like he was talking to toddlers.

"Dude, none of use are deaf, we all heard." Mike gave him an unimpressed look.

"Yeah, and that was Queen and you definitely hit all those high notes. You can totally sing Whitney!" Max laughed and nudged Will when he stifled a giggle.

"I can't believe I'm being mocked by a bunch of 10 year olds!"

"We're fifteen, Harrington," Dustin said sarcastically.

Steve rolled his eyes.

"Okay, can you shits get out of my room so I can get dressed? Don't feel like spending the day in a towel while you make fun of my singing abilities."

He started to herd them towards the stairs as they protested, claiming they weren't making fun, just confused as to why he would torture them with a fake awful voice.

When Steve came downstairs, Max pushed play on the tape player in the living room. "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" started playing and Steve turned red.

"This isn't fucking karaoke night you dweebs!"

But he started laughing when they all started throwing popcorn at him and he proceeded to dump snacks onto everyone else, starting an epic pre-movie night food fight.

iii.

Robin's parents were going to be out of town for the first time in a thousand years so, naturally, she was throwing a party.

It wasn't a typical high school rager, more like a get together between friends and absolutely no children, Steve!

So really it was just Steve, Nancy, Jonathan, Barb, and Billy.

Steve and Billy came over early to help make food. Which translated to Steve making food while Billy sat on the couch and read, using the "I died for you bitches" excuse for the millionth time.

And ever since Robin had caught him singing at work, he became more and more comfortable singing around her. She didn't ask about him singing around Billy. So here he was, singing while mixing something together in a bowl. Like a goddamn housewife.

"If my parents were here they'd be so pleased I found a nice boy who knows what he's doing in the kitchen." She said as she measured some milk out for the brownies.

She could hear Billy snort from the living room over the "knowing what he's doing in the kitchen" comment.

Steve laughed and kicked at her shins.

Wham! came on and Steve's face lit up. And it was the yo-yo song, the best freaking one. And Robin was in band so her inntonation wasn't like awful, she definitely had the lungs for singing.

So they were singing along to George Michael in the Buckley's colorful kitchen while making brownies when the other three showed up.

"You can sing?" Barb asked with big eyes.

"You act like I've never sung in front you you before." Steve replied while hunching over, self conscious.

"Yeah but normally it's more...pitchy," Nancy offered.

"We're not judging your anything man, you've got a great voice," Jonathan filled in quickly. "Didn't really believe Will when he said Steve could sing."

He said that last part mostly to Nancy, but everyone heard it.

And Robin was kind of done. Because Steve told her, one time when they were hotboxing his car, that he sang bad on purpose because his dad thought it was "faggy" to be able sing that well. That he sounded like Freddie and George and Bowie in the worst way. And she knew he was bi, knew he got embarrassed when people started talking about him singing because of what his dad said.

She was about to call them out when Billy flipping Hargrove beat her to it.

"Leave him alone, you're just jealous your pipes aren't as good," Billy said in a monotone voice from the couch.

"It's fine, Billy, they're--"

"No he's right, lay off."

Nancy and Jonathan at least had the decency to look embarrassed. Barb walked into the kitchen to help out.

"Your voice really is good. Didn't mean to sound so shocked before. You were just...really good. And I totally remember you singing into a hairbrush that one time? And your voice cracked all over the place?" Barb bumped her hip into Steve's, wiggling her eyebrow.

"Oh my god, I almost lost my voice from that! God, that was forever ago, cannot believe you remember that."

"Yeah that's what made me realize 'King Steve" was like an actual human boy, not this entity the entire school and Nancy made you out to be."

Billy migrated from the couch to the counter when he heard the words "King Steve" and put his book on the counter top.

"When was this?" And thank god for Billy because Robin wanted to ask so bad what they were talking about.

"Oh Steve threw a little party back in junior year to woo Nancy and he was a little buzzed and was trying to make her laugh by singing along to, what was it?" Barb turned to smirk at Steve.

"ABBA, it's was ABBA."

Billy rolled his eyes and mumbled "of course" as Robin cackled.

"Very on brand, dingus."

"Yeah but he overexaggerated the awfulness and his voice cracked, like, painfully. Like, I felt it, it was so bad!"

Steve scrunched up his nose at the memory and laughed. Robin and Billy started laughing too and Barb continued telling embarrassing stories about Steve that the other two had never heard before.

+i.

Steve jolted awake to a loud clattering sound coming from the other end of his room.

"How many times do I have to tell you to clear off your fucking desk, Harrington," Billy stage whispered angrily.

"How many times do I have to tell you to use the fucking front door, Hargrove."

Steve hopped out of bed to meet Billy by the window. He scanned his face for bruises which made Billy rolls his eyes.

"Can't a guy just visit his boyfriend in the middle of the night without anything being wrong?"

"Yeah but you only sneak in through my window when you've had a bad night, you dramatic fuck." Steve cupped Billy's face with one hand and let him lean into it.

Comfortable silence enveloped them before Billy broke it.

"Couldn't sleep," he mumbled.

"Okay." Steve let Billy drop his head into his shoulder. " Do you wanna talk about it or go to bed?"

Because "couldn't sleep" is generally code for nightmares.

Billy shrugged, shoulder bumping Steve's chin a little, and Steve nodded, tugging him towards the bed.

He helped Billy get down to just his boxers and a tee before getting under the covers. Steve positioned them so that Billy was half laying in Steve with his ear over his heart and their legs tangled. Because Steve liked the pressure and Billy liked listening to the steady thrum of his heartbeat.

They laid like that for a minute, getting comfortable and used to each other's warmth.

And Billy had told him, a long time ago, that his mom used to sing to him when he couldn't sleep. And that was before Billy knew Steve could actually sing. That was what made Steve sing for real in front of him.

So, on nights like this, Steve sang.

He started humming the intro to "Going to California", moving his fingers in time up and down Billy's back. Billy let out a sigh and pressed himself closer into Steve's chest.

So Steve sang into the dark of his bedroom, chasing away monsters; the kind that live in your house and the kind that live underground, until Billy drifted off and pulled Steve with him into a warm and deep sleep that only comes when wrapped around someone you love.

#harringrove #fic #my writings #HOLY SHIT #guys pls read this i spent three hours frantically writing this thx #harringrove fanfic #this is kind of mean to nancy and jonathan but i dont like them so suck it #and theres backstory on ao3 but hopper survives and lives with the Byers and therefore moves with them and barb is here bc i said so #its a happy boys and supportive lesbians fic fight me

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allthingsfangirl101 · 5 years ago

Text

Chapter 8: Dinner with Fel and Syd

Masterlist

Abby's POV

Just like I had thought, a few hours after Hannah left my apartment my dad called.

"Abigail," he sighed, not hiding his disappointment. I couldn't help but notice that the tone of his voice was the same tone he used when I would come home after curfew.

I only did that once and I was barely a minute late.

"Hannah told me," he started, but I wasn't in the mood for another lecture from him.

"I'm not having this argument with either one of you again. I will say this one last time; I am not planning the wedding until Caleb is home. Also, I am not allowing my step-monster to interfere with mine or Caleb's life. I know you don't understand, but I don't care anymore. If you keep trying to interfere or find a way to sneak yourself into this, you won't be getting an invitation."

"You can't stop your father from coming to your wedding," he challenged.

"Try me."

He was silent, my heartbeat echoing in my ear. I held my breath as I heard him clear his throat.

"If that is the attitude you are going to have, then I won't give you my blessing."

I couldn't help but let out a small laugh. "Hate to break it to you, dad, but this isn't the 1800s. I don't need your permission to marry the love of my life. If I want to marry Caleb, I will. I know how finding the one you want to spend the rest of your life with is like a sport to you, but it's serious to me. Besides, Caleb has been in my life since high school. If you really didn't like him, you wouldn't have allowed him to be in my life this long. I love Caleb and I know he loves me. I am going to marry him. This wedding, this marriage, is happening with or without you."

"Well then," he cleared his throat. "Let me know when you want our help."

I bit my tongue, tears burning my eyes. "I will let you know if I want your help."

After that conversation, I hung up the phone and angrily threw it on my bed. I left it there as I walked to the kitchen to get myself a much-needed drink. I started to reach for the half-opened bottle of white wine but grabbed a cold beer instead.

I was ten episodes in on Arrow and three beers in my system when I heard the faint sound of my phone ringing upstairs. I got up, my knees shaky from the beers, and headed upstairs. By the time I got there, my phone had stopped ringing.

I was about to turn around and head back downstairs to watch Oliver fight Deathstroke when my phone started ringing again. I sighed as I walked over and leaned down to pick it up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, honey." Felicia's sweet voice echoed through the speaker. "You sound tired."

"Yeah," I said, clearing my throat. "I haven't umm I haven't been sleeping much and I keep fighting with my dad about. . ." My voice broke as the tears threatened to stream down my cheeks.

I hadn't talked to Felicia since she took me to the support group. She's texted me here and there to check-in, but that's it.

"Why don't you come over tonight?" She offered. "Syd has been asking about you. I think focusing on your welfare is helping distract her from missing her dad."

"That's," I sighed, not really sure what else to say to her.

"Honey," Felicia sighed. "I know it's been rough with Caleb being gone. Trust me, I understand how hard it is. The only reason I get through it is because I have Syd. I just want to be there for you. Come over tonight. We'll eat dinner, maybe make some cookies, watch a movie, and just relax. Besides, it'll be good for you to get out of your apartment and go somewhere other than work."

I hesitated, my eyes beginning to water. Part of me was grateful to have someone like Felicia who is willing to talk to me. The other part of me wanted to be left alone until he comes home in a few weeks.

"If you want," Felicia added, "after Syd goes to sleep, you and I can stay up all night drinking and talking."

"That," I sighed, giving in. "That sounds amazing. Thank you, Felicia."

"Anytime," she said with a soft giggle. Suddenly, she stopped laughing and cleared her throat. "I'll see you tonight?"

"See you tonight."

I hung up the phone, slowly moving it away from my ear. I sighed, deciding to take a shower to sober up before dinner. I took a shaky breath as the tears began to fall again.

"Why the hell can't I stop crying?" I mumbled, angrily wiping away the tears.

* * * * *

I got out of my car and headed up the steps to Felicia's house. After I had hung up with her, I took a shower to sober up before dinner. I put on a small smile as Sydney opened the door.

"Abby!" She said excitedly as she quickly wrapped her arms around my waist. "I've missed you!" She pulled out of the hug, grabbed my hand and led me inside.

She pulled me into the kitchen where Felicia was stirring some pasta.

"Hey, sweetie." She smiled at me.

"Smells great," I said as Syd finally detached herself from me and ran over to the counter.

"Abby, do you want to help me set the table?" Syd asked as she held three plates in her hands.

"Sure," I smiled. As Felicia finished cooking dinner, Syd and I set up the table.

"All done!" Syd said happily as we walked back into the kitchen.

"Great," her mother smiled. "Go wash your hands, please."

Sydney nodded as she turned on her heel and ran to the bathroom. "She seems happy," I smiled as I leaned against the counter.

"Like I said over the phone, she's been really worried about you. Plus, I think she's happy not to have an empty spot at the dinner table."

Felicia stopped talking and looked at me. "You sounded. . .tired when I called earlier. How are you doing?" She whispered.

"I kind of wish people would stop asking me that," I mumbled as I helped her carry that last few things to the table.

"I know," Felicia sighed. "I used to hate when people asked me how I was, mainly because they felt like they had to ask, like they were obligated. But, Abigail, I'm not asking because I feel obligated. I'm asking because I remember how hard it was the first time Mike left. I understand a lot more than those other people. So, do something that I never did."

"What?" I asked quietly.

"Talk to me."

Before I could say anything, Sydney came running into the room. "Are we ready?" She asked, eagerly bouncing on her toes. "I'm starving."

"Yes," Felicia laughed. "Let's dig in."

We sat down and ate dinner, having the traditional small talk. Sydney told countless stories about school and Felicia asked me about work. Of course, I didn't talk about my dad, step-mom or how much I was really struggling with Caleb being gone. I didn't want to say something that would upset Sydney. So, instead, I waited until later to open up.

We spent the rest of the night baking cookies and listening to music. A few hours later, Felicia and I noticed Sydney rubbing her eyes.

"Alright, I think it's time for you to go to bed," Felicia laughed.

"But I'm not tired," Sydney said, a yawn ending her sentence. Felicia and I sent each other knowing looks.

"Why don't I tuck you in?" I offered. That seemed to perk her up. She slid off her chair and headed upstairs. Felicia sent me a smile as she started putting the cookies away.

I walked upstairs and waited as Sydney brushed her teeth, already in her pj's. After she had gargled water and spit it out, she put her toothbrush away and grabbed my hand. We walked to her room, her small hand still in mine.

She got into bed and I pulled the covers up and around her. "There you go. Anything I'm forgetting?" I smiled down at her.

"Nope," she said, popping the 'p'. I was just about to leave when she stopped me. "Abby?"

"Yeah, sweetie?"

She hesitated before finally sighing and asking, "Are you okay? Mommy is worried about you and I see how tired you are."

I sighed as I knelt down at the side of her bed. I started playing with her hair as I bit my lip.

"I'm okay, Syd. I just. . . Things have been a little harder than I thought they would be, you know? I mean, I miss Caleb."

"Because you love him. Right?" She cut me off, a small smile on her lips.

"Yes I do," I laughed. "I love him very much."

"Mommy told me you guys are getting married. Like her and daddy."

"She's right," I smiled. I slipped my engagement ring off my finger and showed it to her. "See? Caleb asked me to marry him a few months before he left. And when he comes home we'll finally start planning the wedding."

"Are you excited?" She asked, giving me my ring back. I smiled as I slipped it onto my finger.

"More than I can express to you," I said. I gasped when a tear slid down my cheek and she reached up to catch it.

"Daddy and Caleb are gonna come home. I know it."

I smiled as I leaned over and kissed her forehead.

"You know something, kiddo?" I whispered. "I think you might be right."

* * * * *

I walked down the stairs and took a shaky breath. I walked into the kitchen and laughed when I saw that Felicia had already poured two glasses of red wine.

"Ready to talk?" She asked, handing me one. I laughed as we walked into the other room. We sat on the couch, Felicia waiting for me to start.

"I just," I sighed, not entirely sure where to start. "I can't seem to stop crying. There's only a month left until he comes home, but I feel more overwhelmed, more scared, more terrified. And my dad isn't necessarily helping the situation. Every time I turn around, it's like him and my step-mother keep reminding me that there is a possibility of Caleb not coming home, of something happening to him. It kills me how. . . insensitive he's being about this whole thing. It's almost like. . . Like he doesn't want me to marry Caleb. But how could he not? Caleb has always protected me, taken care of me, and been there for me since high school. My dad loved Caleb back when I first met him. He once said, "Abigail, that boy would sell his soul for you." It took me a while to realize it, but he was right. Caleb would do anything for me. Even give up his dream of working on an oil rig to make sure I was happy. Sometimes. . . Sometimes, I wish I had asked him to stay."

"Abigail," Felicia sighed. "You don't mean that. I know it's been hard, but I also know how proud you are of Caleb."

"I just. . ." My voice broke as a sob got caught in my throat. "I miss him so much, Fel."

When the sob escaped my lips, she grabbed my glass, put hers and mine on the coffee table and pulled me into her chest. Finally crying with someone to hold me, felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

"I know, sweetheart." She said softly as she ran her fingers through my hair. I couldn't help but think about how she acted more like a mom to me than my own step-mother.

I spent the rest of the night, talking to Felicia about everything I've been feeling. When I talked to her about not wanting to plan the wedding, she completely understood. She told me that she felt a similar way the first time Mike left. His first time, she was pregnant with Sydney. She was just as hesitant to build the nursery or even have her baby shower without Mike as I was to plan the wedding without Caleb.

We talked about my dad and step-mom crossing boundaries and their over-generous suggestions. Surprisingly to me, Felicia agreed and understood when I said that having my dad pay for the wedding would mean they would take over the planning. She agreed that Caleb and I should be able to make our own mistakes. She laughed at my father's suggestion of us living with them. Apparently, while Mike was gone after Felicia had Sydney, they moved in with her parents.

"It was helpful. At times," she added with a knowing smirk. "But I couldn't take the judgmental looks or the conversations with my mom about Mike being gone. It got too much for me. So sweetie, if you don't think it's a good idea to move in with your father and Hannah, then don't. Remember, this is your life. You love Caleb and he loves you. I just want you both to be happy."

"And we are. I think," I stuttered. "I just. . . I don't know how much longer I can do this, Felicia. I have to hand it to you. You guys have done this for years. I've only done this for two months and it's kicking my ass. What if he wants to do this again? What if he wants to go back? What if once wasn't enough? What if. . ."

My breathing had sped up, the anxiety attack building.

"Abigail," Felicia said quickly. "Calm down, sweetheart. You don't know that. You don't know if he wants to go back. You don't know whether or not once is enough. You don't know what will happen. And you won't know unless you ask him. But for now? Focus on him coming home in a few weeks. Then you can talk about him wanting to or not wanting to go back and do it again."

"I couldn't. . . I couldn't go through this again. I'm not like you, Felicia. I can't do this again. Our love is strong, don't get me wrong. It's just. . . I'm not strong enough. I need him, Felicia. I need Caleb."

"Abigail," she said sternly, grabbing my shoulders and making me look at her. "You need to breathe, sweetie. Everything is going to be okay. Caleb would never put you through this again. Not if he knew how this was affecting you."

She stopped talking when she saw the look on my face. "Abby," she elongated. "Caleb knows how much you're struggling. Right?"

"Sort of," I whispered. I sighed when I saw the disappointed look on her face. "He knows about my dad, but he doesn't know everything."

"So, he doesn't know how scared you are? How lonely? How you don't sleep?"

I bit my lip, shaking my head. She grabbed my hands and looked at me intently. "Honey, you have to tell him. Tell him the truth. Tell him everything. He deserves to know how much of a hard time you're having."

"I can't," I stuttered. "If I do. . . I don't want to burden him with it."

"Burden him? Abigail, he loves you and deserves to know."

"I don't want to distract him. He doesn't. . . He doesn't need that."

"Doesn't need what? To know how his fiancé is feeling? To know that the love of his life is scared?"

"I just. . . I can't tell him. I know how he'll get. He'll start stressing, overthinking about things. And eventually will stop sleeping. It's better if I don't say anything to him."

She sighed when she saw the look on my face. She grabbed my hand, intertwining our fingers and sent me a small smile.

"Okay," she said softly. She looked around the room before looking back at me with a small smile on her face. "I'm gonna be right back, okay? I'm gonna make sure the AC isn't on upstairs or else Syd's room will freeze."

I nodded as she walked upstairs. I slumped back into the couch and looked around the room. I always loved their house. The way it was decorated reminded me of how my mom used to decorate.

I laid down on the couch when I suddenly felt exhausted. I closed my eyes, not being able to keep them open any longer. My breathing slowed as I heard footsteps, followed by a small laugh.

"Get some sleep, sweetheart," Felicia whispered as she placed a blanket over my body.

#A Lover's Dream #deepwater horizon #caleb halloway #caleb halloway fanfic #dylan o'brien #dylan o'brien fanfic

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chvrrydolan · 6 years ago

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somebody else (p.1) - G.D

summary: y/n relationship is going down the hill and she decides to call her old friend.

words: 2.8k

“You know what? I’m done. Call me when you will be in the mood to talk.” Y/N hang up her phone and signed. It was the third time this week when she tried to talk with her boyfriend Mike but he just made excuses that he was busy.

YN and Mike was always known as the perfect couple. They always were together. You could always spot them in the local café drinking their favorite drinks and being cute, or they always walked hand in hand on campus giggling at something and you could always see how both of their eyes sparked joy just looking at each other. But something has changed.

For the past couple of weeks their relationship was going down the hill. Y/N was seen walking alone on the campus with a tired look on her face. You could easily tell she was losing sleep. Also, the baristas at that local café noticed that Y/N got her drink only by herself which was very strange for them. Lots of people noticed that but nobody asked what happened. And if somebody would have asked what happened – she wouldn’t know what to answer because she didn’t know either.

It just happened. The conversations weren’t as sincere as they were before, the sex wasn’t as good as before, the ‘I love you’s’ felt like sandpaper rubbing against the tongue. Everything felt forced. They were drifting apart and they felt that. Or at least, Y/N did.

Y/N felt so alone. She didn’t had any real friends on her campus because everybody were really fake and she didn’t fucked with that energy. She didn’t had anybody to vent to because the only thing she had was Mike.

Of course, she had friends. They were back in her home town.

Before moving to New York and following her fashion designer dream, she lived in New Jersey which she loved very much. Leaving her hometown felt like a true heartbreak. She had to leave her family, her friends, her boyfriend which was lost the next week she moved because he cheated on her.

At first when she moved to New York she applied to NYU because her mom begged her to study politics. Of course, Y/N she applied there because she didn’t wanted to disappoint her mother but after 2 years of literal hell and torture she dropped out and followed her real dream.

After applying to other university where she could study fashion and follow her passion of designing clothes, Y/N’s life felt hundred times better. She met Mike, bought her own apartment, got a decent job, had very little time left to graduate her university and etc. But she still missed some things in her life.

One of them was Grayson Dolan. He was Y/N’s best friend since they were six. They were literally attached to the hip. But at some point they also drifted apart.

Grayson was two years older than Y/N which means he graduated earlier than her and went to college in other state to follow his sports dream of becoming professional boxer. And right now, he was 25 years old and one of the most popular boxers in the world.

The last time Y/N and Grayson had seen each other was almost four years ago at Y/L’s barbeque party. Since then Grayson has been busy with his boxing career and Y/N was busy with her designer dream. It’s not like they forgot about each other or something like that. They just were just very busy with their passions and forgot to keep contact.

Actually, they never forgot each other. Grayson always wondered how Y/N was doing but was always scared to call her after he heard the news that she had found a new boyfriend. Grayson always felt something for Y/N since they were little but never acknowledged that for his own sake.

Looking from Y/N’s perspective, after Grayson took his road of dream after her sophomore year, she realized that she felt something for Grayson too. Him not being in New Jersey, in their school, not spending everyday with her and just being away in general – ruined her. She felt so lonely.

And that is the same feeling that Y/N was feeling right now. Her heart was aching. She needed someone.

She needed Grayson.

She unlocked her phone and decided to check his social media to see what he was up too.

His Instagram was full of pictures of in the ring from the fights, selfies with trophies he had won, shirtless mirror pics in the gym. Fuck, he got hotter. Y/N whispered to herself.

He has gotten so big since the last time she saw him. He was so built. His veins were popping out of every inch of his arms, his biceps looked almost bigger than his whole head, you could easily tell his abs were rock hard and bunch of the new tattoos he had gotten looked better than ever on him. The green shorts he was wearing in the picture complimented his golden skin so well, it made him look like a some kind of greek god.

But one picture caught her eye and it made her heart to sink.

It was a picture of him and some girl kissing on some fancy looking balcony. He finally found somebody.

She felt happy for him because he looked genuinely happy and you could easily they loved each other very much. But also, deep inside Y/N kinda wished it was her.

Y/N shook that thought away immediately because she remembered that she still had a boyfriend. But she still needed to call him because her emotions were building up so much, she didn’t knew what to do.

Scrolling through her contact list she found his number but hesitated to call him. Maybe he changed his number? Maybe he doesn’t even remember me anymore? Maybe his girlfriend hates me because Grayson has told her something about me? Maybe he won’t even pick up? Millions of thoughts rushed through Y/N’s head as her finger lingered above the little call button.

After two minutes of thinking she whispered to herself Fuck it and pressed the call button.

The call was dialing, her heart was beating in her ears which meant he didn’t changed his number.

“Hello?” Grayson’s voice sounded groggy which meant he was probably sleeping but also he sounded very confused.

Y/N breathing stopped as soon as she heard his voice. Her heart was beating out of her chest, she didn’t knew what she was feeling. “Grayson?”

“Pumpkin?” Y/N’s heart swelled with joy. He remembered her nickname. It was hers since she was seven or eight.

On the other side of line, Grayson’s heart was racing. He haven’t heard from her since that barbeque party and hearing it again made him dizzy. His girlfriend of three months, Jade, was wrapped around him and didn’t heard his phone go off which made Grayson calm for some reason.

“You remember…” Y/N whispered almost inaudible but Grayson heard her.

“Of course I do, what do you mean?” He chuckled as his lips formed the biggest smile ever. It has been a long time since Grayson has smiled that hard.

“I don’t know… It has been a long time, I thought you forgot…” Y/N sighed confessing. Even after almost four years Grayson still could tell when Y/N was sad and he knew for sure that she was sad now.

“I will never forget, Y/N. Anyway, why are you calling?” Grayson asked still feeling confused.

Y/N wanted to tell him everything. How she felt, how Mike was making her fell, how he was making her feel, how she missed him, how she wanted to be beside him right now but she couldn’t.

She felt her chest closing due to amount of emotions she was feeling. “There is a lot of reasons but I don’t know how to talk to you anymore.”

Those words hurt both of them. They both felt guilty for not being in touch with each other.

“Pumpkin…” Grayson sighed “You know I’m always there for you.”

After those words Jade started shifting around in Graysons arms. “Babe?”

Y/N heard her voice on the other line and it made her heart shrink. Sadness and jealously took over her head. She wished it was her calling him babe.

She heard Grayson calm her down, “Go to sleep, angel. Old friend of mine called.”

Y/N couldn’t handle hearing him call somebody else Angel and him calling her ‘old friend’. This meant that he didn’t told Jade about her. But why?

Jade was to sleepy to understand what was happening so she just drifted to sleep again.

“Oh, I don’t want to interrupt your girlfriends sleep. Maybe I will call tomorrow. Bye!” Y/N murmured fastly and hang up the phone.

“Wai-“ Grayson was cut off and was left confused again. He knew for sure he won’t be sleeping tonight after this unexpected call. His head was going crazy with thoughts. Why she called? Is she in trouble? What happened?

Dropping her phone Y/N groaned into her hands. She felt so devastated and vulnerable.

She walked to her kitchen counter and looked for her sleeping pills because she knew for a fact – without those she won’t asleep tonight.

The next morning Y/N was woken up by her phone ringing. She didn’t even looked who was calling and just picked up her phone.

“Hello?” She answered.

“Pumpkin? Are you okay?” It was Grayson. Y/N eyes widened immediately and she wasn’t sleepy anymore.

“Grayson? Yes? Yes. I’m okay.” Her heart was running a fucking marathon just by hearing his voice.

“Why did you call yesterday?”

One trait that Y/N always had was that she always said what she meant. She hated beating around the bush and talking in hints. She also hated when other people did that too.

“To be fucking honest Grayson. I’m a fucking emotional mess right now and need some kind of support because I never felt more lonely.”

Grayson felt his heart break a little by hearing those words. He wanted to punch himself for not calling her from time to time.

“I will be in New York next week. Please, wait for me.”

After the call Grayson’s girlfriend was very suspicious about his old friend. Grayson avoided every question about her and it made Jade furious.

“Can you just tell who is that old friend and why are you calling him Pumpkin?!” Jade snapped walking towards him.

“I want to have some alone time right now, Jade. Please leave me alone.” Grayson sighed walking away and leaving Jade angry and confused.

The whole week flew by very fast.

Y/N tried to call Mike but he wasn’t answering his phone and just sending texts like ‘sorry, babe. Working.’.

It made Y/N even more devastated because she was so hopeless about this relationship. She loved Mike but after hearing Grayson’s voice again, she was confused about everything.

On the other hand, Grayson tried to shake Y/N out of his head because he knew he was hurting Jade and himself too.

He told Jade everything about her, except the fact that he had feelings for Y/N almost all his life.

The day came. They were meeting after four years.

Both of them were feeling scared but also excited. I think it’s kind of obvious why Grayson is feeling scared.

The fear of catching feelings again was haunting both of them. Grayson didn’t want to ruin his relationship with Jade and Y/N didn’t want to ruin his relationship because she would feel very bad because she is not selfish.

After having breakfast with his girlfriend, Grayson got a text from Y/N that said ‘meet me in 10. here’s my address.’. It made Grayson’s stomach twirl in the good way.

Jade knew about this ‘meeting’ but she didn’t said anything about it even though she was against it because she knew it will make Grayson very mad.

“I gotta go, babe. Love you.” Grayson kissed her and ran out of door while his personal driver was waiting for him.

Jade closed the hotel room door and sighed. She was feeling fear. She was scared of this Y/N chick.

Jade saw the look in his Grayson’s eyes as he talked about Y/N to her. They looked like they had stars shining inside of them. He talked about her like she was the biggest star of the universe and it made Jade very insecure because he never talked about her like that and since that night, when Y/N called him, Grayson’s wasn’t the same.

He was losing sleep, he was being alone in his thoughts more often, he drank more than usual and he skipped a lot of his trainings which made his agency very mad but at this point he didn’t care. He just wanted to meet her.

Grayson’s ride went faster than ever because he was lost in his train of thoughts.

“Sir? You’re here.” Marco, his personal driver, said while snapping Grayson out of his train of thoughts.

“Thanks, man. Have a day off, I will walk back.” Grayson patted his shoulder and got out of the car.

And there he was. Standing outside of Y/N’s apartment complex as his heart was beating in his ears.

After walking in Grayson spent about seven minutes trying to find her apartment door but it was unsuccessful because he had to ask for help.

His head was getting dizzy just by standing in front of her door. His mind was racing hundred miles per hour and he felt like he was going to pass out. Grayson lifted his hand to ring her doorbell and he started freaking out even more.

Running was heard from other side of the door and after couple of seconds it opened revealing something that made Grayson’s heart flutter.

It was her.

“Pumpkin…” He sighed grabbing her into his arms.

Y/N felt like she was dreaming as she wrapped her tiny arms around him. Everything felt so familiar. His scent, his embrace, his touch. She felt like all her emotions were going to fall out of her at this moment. “Grayson…”

None of them wanted to let go. They wanted to stay like this forever. It felt so right for them to be in each others arms.

“I missed you so much.” Y/N voice cracked as she felt tears building up in her eyes. Grayson pulled away from the hug hearing her voice crack.

She’s got more and more beautiful. Fuck. He thought but then he saw the tears and his face softened. “Oh god, angel, I missed you too. Please don’t cry, it hurts me so much and blaming myself I haven’t called you.” He cupped her face and wiped her cheeks. Y/N was afraid to look him in the eyes.

The fear that were haunting them about ruining his relationship came back again because as the second they looked into each others eyes it was over. Mike and Jade was forgotten.

There was no turning back. All of their feelings came back. The flashbacks, the memories, everything.

They were fucked.

“Come in” Y/N said pulling away from Grayson’s hands because she felt guilty.

Grayson walked in admiring her place. He remembered how Y/N always used to talk about decorating her first apartment and how she couldn’t wait for it. And here is she was 6 years later, living here in her own imagination.

“You made it.” He whispered proudly.

“What?” Y/N asked confused.

“You made it. Your place looks like it was taken out of your imagination.” He explained while plopping down on her couch and admiring all the details around him.

Y/N felt her stomach twirl. He remembers…

“Yeah… It look a lot of time to furnish it. Anyways, do you want anything? Coffee, water?” She asks still avoiding eye contact with him.

And, of course, he notices that. “Yeah. First of all, stop avoiding eye contact, I’m not stupid. And second of all, tell me everything.”

He pats a place on the couch next to him and gives her a smile, “Come on, Pumpkin. Like the old times.”

Y/N took a deep breath and walked towards the couch. Her whole body felt hot and not because of the hot summer weather.

She sat down next to Gray and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder which made Y/N’s stomach do backflips. “Spill.”

#grayson #gray #grayson and ethan #grayson dolan #graysondolan #grayson dolan imagine #grayson x reader #grayson dolan fluff #grayson dolan blurb #ethan #ethan dolan #ethan dolan au #ethandolan #ethan dolan imagine #ethan dolan icons #my writing

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ironwoman18 · 5 years ago

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The Worst Third Date Ever part 14

Chapter 14: New Year

When the December thirty-first arrived. Max was in their bed, wearing his shirt and underwear.

She looked at him and smiled. He looked so cute when he was sleeping and she could not help but fall more for him.

When they went back to DC she will miss waking up next to him every day. She wanted to propose to him the moving in together but it was still to soon.

She was the one who set the 'take things slow' and she already break it. Their first kiss happened because of her after Catherine's kidnapped her dad and sister, their first time making love happened because of her after him been so sweet and gentleman and caring with her family that she could not resist.

This travel happened because of her, so now she realized that her plan was an excuse for not open up to him, but he was so... him that she could not help herself but to open every window, door... everything to him.

But this... moving in was a big step even for her. She ran her hand gentle into his hair, she was careful not to wake him up.

She wanted to wake up like this every day but was not sure if that would be possible with his job.

She remembered talking to Kristy and Kristall at the Christmas party at David's house.

David took his male friends for a friendly round of poker, he and Matt knew Spencer would will but the funny thing will be watching the others getting surprised by that.

At the only people left there were a couple sitting at the living room talking and the two wives of her boyfriend's coworkers.

"So how is it like to be marry a FBI agent?" Max asked to break the ice.

"It's both exciting and terrifying" said Krystall with a smile.

"Same" said Kristy "and I would add that it makes you terribly worry but then when they come back and hug you, it's like the first time" add her "that's why we have five children" they laughed.

"I don't need that much children" said Max laughing "I'm scared, Spencer and I just started dating and I'm already worry when he told me about a case"

"I understand, Matt was part of a different team a couple of years ago. With this team he had to go further than with the BAU. Because they had to go out of the US"

"Wow that must be terrifying"

"It was, but we survived it and I dont think anything would break us. I think after Catherine Adam's face off, you will also survive anything"

"I'm agree. I mean Dave isn't that young anymore but this is his life. He loves this job and this unit and I will support him always"

Max smiled at them, that was what she did, she support him and she will keep doing that "I love Spencer and I want what is best for him. Did David and Matt get hurt?"

"Oh yes honey" said Krystall "David got shot, broke bones, got a little PTSD after Everett Lynch's attack. And I couldn't protect him but I can make sure he recovers from that"

"Same with Matt, he had been shot a lot of times, got hurt, broke bones but like Krystall said, we can't protect them. He is mine and our kids hero"

"Dave told me what he thinks its necessary to keep me informed but not to worry. I know there are more stupid things he does but I kept my mouth shut" Kristy laughed.

"Yeah Matt wrote a book with his adventures but I'm pretty sure he didn't add some details so he won't scare us"

"Spencer still didn't share his work life, not even the light events" she looked at them "I know some things he shared, especially after Cat"

"Don't shut him up to much. He will need you and if he knows he can share something to you, he will. You just have to hug him and ease the pain. Matt and I have a plan if something happens to him. I know its may sounds like to much but I learned that this job is a huge responsibility and they risk their lives for us"

Max nodded and sighs "don't be scared Max, is a cold headed man. I would be more worried about Dave" said Krystall making both women laugh "trust him"

"I do. I did since he helped my nephew when he had a panic attack" she looked at them "it just... I'm so into him that I wouldn't resist if something bad happened"

"You will. That was something I thought myself when Matt told me about what he does for a living" Kristy held her hand "I'm sure when that moment comes you will be ready" Max nodded and smiled at the blonde woman in front of her.

Max wanted to believe her but everytime that thought crossed her mind, her heart skip a beat. Her fingers were into his hair stroking it gently.

After some more minutes she stopped and softly managed to stood up without waking him up.

She headed to the bathroom to take a shower. She was thinking about tonight. Where they will spend the last couple of hours of 2019.

They had a few options one was the Empire State Building where they can enjoy the fireworks, second was Central Park and another was a ferry towards the Statue of Liberty.

She will ask Spencer when he wakes up. When she finished her shower and got dressed.

She put back on his and a fresh underwear. Then Max walked back to the bedroom and Spencer was awake "good morning handsome. Did you sleep well?" She sat next to him.

"Good morning beautiful. Yes it was a great sleep" he smiled and kisses her gently "I will go take a shower, then we can eat and plan what to do tonight"

"Sounds great. I will get out the bread, cheese and butter then you can make coffee"

"Perfect" he smiled and stood up then walked to the bathroom.

Max walked to the kitchen and made some sandwiches for them. Then called her dad.

"Hey dad, how are things going?"

"Great, Michelle planned a barbecue and we will go there tonight. How is New York?"

"Amazing, Spencer has been a gentleman with me. We were in the museum, then eat pasta in the Little Italy, yesterday we were on tour in Manhattan. Today we want to go somewhere to watch the fireworks but we haven't decided yet"

"I'm happy you found such an amazing guy, sweetheart, you were one of my daughters I was more worry about. Since you and Mike broke up you stopped to trust in people but now with Spencer you seem so happy"

"I am dad" she smiled with some tears "my only worry now is... his job. I know he has been doing this for years but it's so dangerous"

"Darling he will be fine, he is smart and knows what to do if things get bad. Also he has something years ago he doesn't... you. He has a girlfriend now and he will want to stay alive for you"

"Thanks dad" she said cleaning her tears and turns to see that Spencer walked in the room "well dad I will call you tomorrow, have a great celebration. Love you"

"Love you too Max" then they hung up then she waits for him to get ready.

Max looked out the window. They had Central Park in front of them, so maybe it could be a nice spot to watch the fireworks without moving to far.

She was so focused that she did not realized Spencer was behind her until he hugged her.

"So what is in this beautiful head?" He asked looking down at her.

She chuckled "well I'm thinking what we will do tonight, sir"

"And what did you think?"

"We can stay in this area of the city, then goes to the park and watch the fireworks then return home. How does it sound?"

"Sounds great, I like that plan" he looked at her as she turned in his arms.

"That's great, and if you have any other idea tell me so we can do something we both want"

"I didn't have ideas. So I like yours" she laughed and wrapped her arms around him.

"Ok then. That's what we will do" she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him softly "let's go to the kitchen and make coffee kind sir"

He laughed and walked to the kitchen. She followed him to toast the sandwiches.

Then they both ate and drank coffee watching an old Christmas movie on TV.

"Spencer" he looked at her "do you want tonight's dinner here or out?"

"Here could be nice. Why?"

"Because I can cook it for us. Something my mom always did for New Year's eve"

"Ok I would like it but do you have all ingredients?"

"I bought them some days ago. I was thinking of doing it some other day but since we both decided to stay here, then I can make it"

"Ok need any help?" She shook her head.

"No I want it to be a surprise" he raises his eyebrow "go read books or check out the parks for good spots"

"Max..."

"Just do it, ok? Trust me"

He just nodded "ok I will go to check the park. If you need something just call me, ok?" She nodded "good" he stood up and walked into de bedroom to put on his shoes.

Meanwhile Max walked to the kitchen to start to cook. She gets out some ingredients and turned on the stove.

She watched as Spencer walked away "see you later honey" she said smiling at him. He just smiled and left the apartment.

Then she started to cook. She was making lasagna. Her mom used to make it every year because it was a family tradition.

Her mom has Italian heritage so they liked to cook that kind of food. Michelle and herself learned dishes from her.

When Spencer arrived she finished the ground meat and the white sauce, now she was cooking the pasta.

"Hey Max, I checked the Central Park. Close to the monument to John Lennon the have chairs to watch the fireworks show. By the way, did you know that his murderer was a huge fan of the band but got mad when Lennon compared the Beatles with Jesus? That must be his trigger" he said fast as he walked in the kitchen.

"Spence I love you but those aren't the kind of facts I like to hear"

"Sorry" he looked down ashamed.

"It's ok" she patted his chest softly "is it free?"

"Yes, so we will need to go early to find seats"

"Ok I'm almost done here and the dish I'm making just need to get in the oven to grill the cheese"

"Ok, do you want me to buy something else?"

"Is there wine?"

"Yes so don't worry. As I said I bought everything. I used my credit card plus my last payment of December to pay it"

"Ok" he smiled at her "you could ask me to pay it"

"No, it was my surprise to you" she smiled and hugged him.

He hugged her back and then she returned to cook.

When the night arrived they both ate and shared some wine. They decided to take down the champagne and two glasses to celebrate the New Year with a it.

They put on their jackets and went down to the park. He led the way to the place the celebration was. There were some free spots so they got one of those. There were tables and seats.

They gave them some hot chocolate and put music on. The night was fun, they met new people. At midnight they all wished a Happy New Year, the couples kiss and the fireworks show started.

After that the rest of their time in New York was relaxed. They visited museums. Spencer threw lot of facts when they visited the American Natural History Museum and the New York Zoo.

They returned to DC on January Third, ready to started a new year.

OOooOOooOO

Hope you liked it. This one was hard to write, don't know why but here it is.

The next one will have a time jump to episode 9 of the show. Maybe some days after episode 8.

I have some plans for it and I hope that work out.

We will read soon. Stay at home and be safe.

#spencer reid #criminal mind #maxine brenner #maxcer #fanfiction

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amazildoessomethingstupid · 5 years ago

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Chapter 96: Unspoken Rule

Man I thought it would be a lot longer before I did another of these, but as it turns out I fucking hate in between pages. Y’know, those pages between the actual good and interesting shit? Y’know the parts that are in between the fun parts, but you have to have them to actually move characters to the good parts? The parts that are boring and filler? Yeah as an artist/writer I hate those too and it took me most of the week to come up with a page to make it not boring as sin. Sadly this means, ANOTHER RANT! And this time we are taking a look at Unspoken Rule. But before we do, I’d like to share with you the bit of panic that set in and what kind of pressure I had on me when trying to force an update. For a second I thought that this rant was going to be about…

And I was very, very, scared.

Thankfully a friend notified me that I don’t know how to count, so we’re talking about this chapter instead! Boy what a relief that was, I thought. But it seemed a bit disappointing. I hadn’t heard anything of this page, seems like it’ll be a short rant. That won’t do. So I figured, “hey if there’s not much to say. Fuck it, we’ll do a double feature with the carnival…”

Sadly, I have something to say.

And we start with a good lighthearted joke. Although, that expression in the first panel throws it off a bit. The dialogue on the initial read says snark and sassy, but the face says honest concern, but then we show it is snarky. So the face is just, confusing. Not worth kicking up a fuss about, but definitely a headscratcher.

Anyway, on to what’s actually happening. Which is Mike is being nervous and back and forth about wanting to talk to Lucy and apologize. And it’s so weird to me. This is such a serious plot point, and major conflict in the story, yet this is played for laughs. And not even good laughs, just hollow jokes it feels almost tasteless. But not as tasteless as this:

BIG OOF

Alright guys, see this?

I am absolved of this being uncharacteristically brash and open. If Taeshi can do that kind of rudeness, so can I. Lucy is just so cold now, it feels bad. Not out of character, not unrealistic, just…bad.

But moving from that, we get into these two. And…

Awww…th-this is actually pretty sad. And engaging.

HEY! I SEE YOU REACHING FOR MY HEARTSTRINGS! YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY!

But seriously, this a very nice scene. It’s kind of touching, and it’s a moment I wish we had more of.

It’s…actually very nice. The characters are finally airing their grievances, and we’re getting somewhere. I…I actually like th-

OH YOU BACKSTABBING, HACK WRITING, BITCH! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! WHY ARE YOU STICKING YOUR DICK IN A GAS STATION MILKSHAKE?! BITCH,

ARE YOU FUCKING F’REAL SHAKES RIGHT NOW?! WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU FEEL THE NEED TO ADD THAT?! THIS JUST DESTROYS ALL IMMERSION, I ALMOST FELT SOMETHING THERE FOR A SECOND! BUT THEN YOU HAD TO DO SOMETHING SO DUMB! THIS ISN’T EVEN ON THE CHARACTER, THIS IS A STRAIGHT UP WRITING ISSUE! EVEN I WOULDN’T DO SOMETHING THIS DUMB! IT’S SO OUT OF PLACE! IT GIVES ME MENTAL WHIPLASH CAUSE I HAVE TO DO A DOUBLE TAKE TO MAKE SURE I’M NOT JUST FUCKING SEEING SHIT! AND YOU KNOW WHAT’S THE WORST PART ABOUT THIS FUCKING PANEL?!

IT’S IN THE PRINTED BOOK! Taeshi saw this, drew it, posted it, and got whatever feedback from it. Then later came back, saw it, and edited a bunch of things for the book, and decided, “No that’s fine. We’ll leave it there, that’s perfectly okay.” And just left it there! WHY?! You had a good scene, an actual honest to god, good scene. And you had to just make a dumb joke, and ruin the whole mood. This is the sort of bad run and gun cheap gag sort of shtick that you’d expect to see from Volume 1! Except, even Volume 1 knew when to take itself seriously, and maintain that serious tone! I mean imagine if this happened in something like Zach’s talk with Lucy.

Any good graces this scene had, in setting up these two working out their problems and moving in a nice direction is thrown out the window now, and for what?! What’s the purpose? Why would yo-

Oh…Oh no…

Please, have mercy! You already stabbed my back, please don’t stab me in the heart! Please, not like this!

Aaaugh, no! Not like this! Poor Rachel! It’s not fair I can’-

Wait….

I-is…Is that it?

Are you kidding me?

That’s it? Two pages? Really? That’s how you’re breaking it off? This is how you’re going to stab me? Look, there’s like 3 more inches left in the knife, come on. Push it deeper. Twist it, I know you want to. WHY ARE YOU HOLDING BACK? FUCKING WORK THIS SCENE AND MAKE ME CRY!

NO FUCK YOU, WE’RE NOT MOVING PAST THIS!

YOU WROTE RACHEL’S BREAK UP. IN

TWO

FUCKING

PAGES!?

YOU WROTE OUT ONE OF THE MOST GROUNDED, HEALTHY, PRODUCTIVE RELATIONSHIPS IN YOUR COMIC IN TWO PAGES LIKE IT WAS NOTHING! WITH A HORRIBLE ONE-SIDED DIALOGUE, WHERE RACHEL IS TALKING TO PAULO WHO HAS SUDDENLY INHERITED THE EMPATHY AND UNDERSTANDING OF A BRICK WALL! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT AFTER EVERYTHING YOU DID IN BUILDING THIS CHARACTER’S ENTIRE ARC AND DEVELOPMENT!? AFTER TRANSFORMING A CHARACTER WHO WAS PORTRAYED AS UNLIKABLE, BITCHY, ANNOYING, SLUTTY, AND DUMB.

To fleshing her out, to be deep, thoughtful, caring, and supportive. Rachel is my favorite character, and it’s not because she’s a slut it’s because she represented something in this comic that had been absent.

Natural character development. That wasn’t brought on by some big event shaking their entire core, and changing them. In fact, one of the best things about Rachel is that despite how differently her character’s reception is from Volume 6 compared to Volume 1, her personality, her attitude, and her core is mostly unchanged.

She’s still slutty, she’s overweight, she’s silly. But a big part of why I love her as a character, and why I think many others do as well, is because never does it seem to be a negative to her. We don’t see her get upset, or self-conscious about her weight, or her sexual behavior, because she’s confident in herself and accepts herself. Not only that, but she’s shown to take charge, stand up and not be afraid to call out what she sees is wrong. And outside of her character…

She was a role model for Paulo. Unlike Jasmine whose relationship was more Paulo bending himself to fit her lifestyle, Rachel was a character who accepted and supported Paulo’s lifestyle, but at the same time helped steer him to do the right thing. And in a comic where almost every fucking character is so intent on dancing around their issues and waiting until it blows up in their face, Rachel served as an example of someone who had it together. A proactive person, who didn’t want to see these characters get worse.

I have ranted and gone off on a lot of decisions and actions that these characters have done, but not once did I ever scratch my head or think twice about something that Rachel did. Her character didn’t need a bunch of insight, and excuses about hormones or “they’re teenagers, lol!” to understand her. She simply was who she was, and I respect that.

In short…

Despite everything that my history with this comic gave me, the feelings I developed from all the bullshit that has happened in this story, despite all of that. It was this one character, what she brought to the table, and what she did for the comic and its characters, that gave me something I thought I’d long lost, and never thought I’d ever regain.

She gave me hope in this comic. That it would finally have its characters be proactive, regain its humor, and bring itself out of the slump it made for itself. With this character, and the writing behind her, I believed Taeshi was finally on the right track, and was setting up something great that would grow the characters and build upon them naturally.

But that’s not what we got. And the real bitch of it is, this could’ve been a real emotional moment. A well executed front-stab. We knew it was coming, we saw the writing on the wall, but we still needed to face the music. It was set up to be a wonderful tragedy, where both parties are well aware of the futility of their relationship. They understand each other, and why it won’t work, but also don’t want to let go. And I was going to make a comparison to Two Kinds, because they had a similar scenario with Trace’s wife and the whole idea of moving on is a recurring theme… But looking back I realized something. I don’t need to bring a comparison to Two Kinds or someone else’s comic, and no I’m not even going to draw a comparison of what I would’ve done in this situation by drawing a comparison to False Idol’s future scene (although I was thinking about that). No, we don’t need to look too far because you know what the real sad part about this is?

We’ve had this conversation before.

And just look at it. Look how heartbreaking this is. This is how it should’ve been. You see that Paulo understands what she’s saying, he knows what she means and how bittersweet their relationship is. It is one of the best moments from the newer volumes, and their inevitable breakup should’ve been a turning point. It should’ve marked a big life-changing moment for Paulo. Where he is sad about how he’s making Rachel feel, but he’s unsure about his own feelings. Maybe Rachel makes the decision for him and breaks it off, and Paulo realizes how hurtful his behavior is, and that he can’t play games with people anymore, that it’s not fair. It could be the moment Paulo turns a new leaf and becomes more mature, and in seeing that; Rachel can let go taking some solace in knowing that he is a better person now.

But instead we got this…

We’re not even halfway through this god damn chapter. Well where is it taking us now?

Huh…and it seems that the writing is not going to change pace either, I wonder where this is going.

Oh boy, everyone’s getting into teams! And oh man, Lucy’s going up against Mike! And boy is this contrived. And what’s even worse, is that despite how much Taeshi has shunned Volume 1 and its stupid sense of humor, and how shoddy it was. Volume 1 wasn’t THIS contrived, and when it was, it was pretty tongue in cheek about it. In fact!

This sounds like something Volume 1 would MAKE FUN OF. But let’s give the benefit of the doubt maybe it’s not that bad. It might have something going on, an-

(It’s interesting, I think I have like 3 reaction pics of Sam trying to shoot herself, but this one just can not be matched. And it’s not even meant for the rants.)

You know what? I’m not even gonna bother going over this part. No one will be seated during the harrowing “Will they won’t they” inconsequential dodgeball fight. Although I will say,

Not gonna lie, that actually got a laugh out of me. Good job. Anyway, Lucy catches the ball and wins the game who cares. But then…

First of all

Look at those arms. Damn Lucy what happened? You’re looking like two toothpicks in a marshmallow. But more than that. Did I read that right?

Yeah! It’s not like you stopped practicing Martial Arts! Why would you? It’s not like you had some serious physical trauma happen to stop you-

OH WAIT!

RECOVERY PERIOD? PHYSICAL THERAPY? PFFFT WHO THE FUCK NEEDS THAT? YEAH SURE, YOU’RE TOTALLY FINE AND CAPABLE BEING A FUCKING BLACK BELT IN TAE KWON DO. SURE! NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! WHAT THE FUCK ARE STITCHES AM I RIGHT?

But I’m just combing cotton here, this all just fluff. There’s really only one thing left to talk about here.

And I’ll be honest.

This.

Is…

Pretty good.

This is honestly really well done. There’s nothing I can say about this. It’s a very serious moment, I can feel Taeshi reaching for my heartstrings but I…I’m okay with it. This was the moment I wanted to see. Finally these characters air out some of their grievances. We get insight to how they feel, we are finally getting somewhere. It’s not nice, but it’s progress an-

…

THAT’S THE TH-….

*sigh*

Fuck you too, Taeshi.

Three times.

Three fucking times in one chapter, that you set up something good. Had a good thing going, and then decided to fuck it up at the end. That’s a new record. Even when I expected nothing out of this chapter, you manage to let me down. You astound me with how much you disappoint me. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were doing it to intentionally troll me. But I’m not that vain. Fuck you Taeshi, I’ve said this before but always with the tone of hyperbole, and a bit of optimistic cynicism. But this time I really mean it. I have no more faith in you as a writer. Whatever you come up with, however this ride ends. I don’t think you will pull it off anymore. I don’t think you have the competence to tie this up in a proper way. At one point you could’ve. At one point, I think you had it in you with the mindset, the creativity, and the emotional drive to tell a well-crafted story. But not anymore, and I despise what you’ve become. Let’s get this stupid chapter over with.

What’s next? What are we doing huh? What are we getting at?

Oh…

I see. This is where we’re going huh? That’s what all this was for?

ALRIGHT! Y’KNOW WHAT? FINE! I GUESS THIS IS WHAT WE’RE DOING BOYS! THIS IS THE NEW DIRECTION FOR BCB! LOOK! SHE CALLED PAULO CUTE! OMG THE SHIP IS SAILING, DON’T YOU GET IT? IT’S JUST SHIPPING! THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS! THAT’S HOW WE’RE DRIVING THE PLOT!

FUCK ALL THAT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, THIS IS WHY RACHEL GOT DROPPED! IT WASN’T CAUSE OF CHARACTERS NATURALLY CONCLUDING RELATIONSHIPS, IT’S ALL BECAUSE LUCY’S HERE AND WE CAN’T HAVE PAULO’S RELATIONSHIP WITH RACHEL CLASH WITH THAT! SHE’S OUTLIVED HER USEFULNESS! NOW IT’S ALL ABOUT PAULO X LUCY, OR PAULO X DAISY WHICH IS IT? THIS IS THE REAL DRAMA YOU ALL ARE LOOKING FOR! THIS IS HOW WE REALLY MOVE THE PLOT AND CHARACTERS! CHOO CHOO BOYS! ALL ABOARD THE SHIP! LET’S JUST GO ALONG FOR THE RIDE WHERE WE GOING TAESHI? I’M READY! I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING LEFT TO FUCKING LOOK FORWARD TO OR LIVE FOR! SO COME ON, WHERE ARE YOU SAILING US?

I give it a 2/10. Until next time, guys.

#Bittersweet Candy Bowl #rant

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littlefaerose · 6 years ago

Text

you’ll never walk alone

WHO: Sam Evans and Marley Rose

WHEN: Friday, June 7th, 2019

WHERE: around the NYADA campus

WHAT: A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Who better to walk it with than someone who’s done it before?

WARNING(S): Heavy subject matter mentions ahead - depression, death, self harm, eating disorders, drug use, suicidal ideation, blood, violence.

Marley fiddled with the end of her dark braid again, using her free hand to reach out and knock on door #201. It had been a few weeks now since she'd last seen Sam. Since... everything. But while it was easier to lock herself away in her room or root herself in front of Saltus for hours at a time, neither did her any good. Or did anyone else any good either. She could talk from a safe distance but at some point she needed to actually face people. And right then, the safest person to face was Sam. She smoothed out her faded green t-shirt and took a step back when the door before her finally opened. "... hey," she greeted after a beat, deterred for a brief moment by the lurch of something uncomfortable in her chest upon seeing his face. "I don't have a place or path in mind, just... walking. I hope that's okay."

Sam was partially looking forward to getting to see Marley but also slightly apprehensive about what he wanted to say to her. He could see a lot of how she was responding to what happened in himself. He could relate to it even though the situations were so different. Having come from the darkest place imaginable to being where he was now, he hoped he could help her somehow. Hell, he was certain he still had his moments. But if Sam could help her, he would do what he could. When she knocked on the door, he made sure he had his wallet and keys before opening the door. "Hey." He greeted her with a small smile before he closed and locked the door behind him. "Yeah, no problem. Walking is good." He said as he indicated for her to lead the way.

Marley nodded and turned, leaving it at that as she led the way down to the main level of Eurus and out onto campus. It didn’t matter how many times she had walked through campus since the night of the Promenade, it still jarred her to see so much damage inflicted on the buildings around them. It made a fist-sized ball of dread sink into her stomach. But she kept them going at a slow pace, wanting to stretch out the time as best she could. She needed it to keep her from circling right back to staring at the downed trees. “... I think I lost my job,” she finally commented, crossing her arms over her chest as they walked. “Temporarily, anyway. So much of JIH Marketplace is under construction now. Did you get any notices in the mail?”

Sam found it difficult lately to go on his morning runs. It made everything that much more noticeable, when no one was awake yet to see the damage, how it looked at night. He couldn't imagine how Marley felt to look at it, especially with the damage to the forest. He kept his steps slow, not wanting to rush anything. It was a way to spend time with a friend, but also give her the time to open up and say anything she needed to. He frowned hearing about the shop. Sam couldn't imagine how that felt and he felt guilty that he even had a place to go still. "I'm sorry to hear that," he spoke honestly. "The art store is still open. Somehow they didn't get damaged much." He wondered how it was possible, maybe just certain areas were affected more. "Maybe you can see if one of the other shops still open can give you a place for now." He suggested.

“Maybe,” Marley murmured, though finding another job was admittedly low on her list of priorities. “Maybe it’s better if I just lay low for a bit though.” She could only imagine the hesitance another business on campus would have to seeing her application. She fell silent again as the rounded the path and Undique Stadium came into view. It hadn’t appeared to sustain too much damage, unlike other areas on campus. She slowed a bit as she caught sight of their reflection in a window, then immediately averted her gaze. “How did you do it?” she asked quietly several paces onward later, almost reluctant to ask as her gaze flickered back over to Sam. “I know we haven’t ever really sat down and talked about it but... how did you get through everything after the Brownstone incident? How did you ever move forward? Because right now I feel like I’m-“ She cut herself off as the words bubbled up her throat and out her mouth, bursting forth before she could censor herself. She could feel her hands shake even as they gripped her arms tighter. “-I feel like I’m drowning. And I don’t know how to come up for air.”

Sam knew how easy it could be to lay low and pretend like the world didn't see you. Having done it for months, closing himself off from everything he knew only made it worse. He was still trying to get back on his feet. He sighed softly, knowing how she felt. "Honestly, that's exactly how I felt. It was like the what ifs constantly kept playing on repeat. I would see the same scene in my head over and over. I didn't handle it well, to be honest." he found himself saying without stopping himself. He needed her to know how bad it could get but that she couldn't go down that road. "Actually two days after it happened and before I met with the Cardines, I...I went for a long walk and I found myself at a bridge. And all I could think of looking down at how high I was, all I could think of was how easy it would be to-" He didn't finish his sentence, shaking his head to prevent himself from going back there. "And I stopped taking care of myself. I wasn't eating. I would get scrapes or cuts and...I would let the pain consume me. I wouldn't heal. I didn't feel like I deserved to heal. That I betrayed my magic and all it stood for. I put myself in a really dark place. I think the one person who saw through it was Blaine. He knew what I was doing and it still took me a while to wake up and see I still had worth. And that doing right by the people I hurt, their families, was better than sitting in a cold, dark room. When I went back to my dorm, it was because I was sick and tired of doing nothing. I couldn't be in that dark place anymore. My dorm, the one I've always had, it has memories that remind me that there is still good and I can have it. I just do have to remember who I'm doing it for." He turned his gaze to her. "The one thing I do know is that being alone, it pretty much killed my relationships with people. Tina, Mike, Elliott, you. It killed me how my behavior affected the way I acted with everyone. It was like I let the self hatred consume me. And eventually I realized I couldn't do that anymore. I needed to be strong, not just for myself, but for the ones I owed it to. So I could make amends and do better by their community." He knew how heavy it was to talk about it, but they hadn't before and it was, unfortunately, the one way he knew that he hoped she could glean some insight from.

They were already moving slow, but Marley's pace petered off that much more as Sam began to open up about everything. Frankly, it scared her to think that he'd existed in such a dark place for so long without anyone noticing. Scared her to see so much of herself in what he was saying. It rocked her enough that at first, she couldn't find the words to say. What could she say? She couldn't take back the way she'd treated him or ignored him through all of it. The tough reality of the words just seeped into her skin, settling uncomfortably inside her. Flashes of moments across her brain leave her feeling dizzy - staring at a freshly picked belladonna leaf, waking up on the floor of her room willingly poisoned, her own blood spurting onto the floor of the Sanctuary room… she reached for his hand and grabbed on tight as the feeling in her chest overwhelmed her, pausing their walk for the moment. "I thought I was going to die," she admitted, unable to look at him as she did. It hadn't gotten any easier each time she told someone. If anything, in this case, it made her feel shame the instant the words left her lips. "I lived for years thinking that night was the night I would die, and... and after... I can't even number the times I've thought to myself since then that I wish I would've. That I had let myself bleed to death and the earth swallow me up as the earthquake rolled in." She pursed her lips against the sting in her eyes as one admission brought with it a bubbling up of so much more. "I'm trying to.... I'm trying to not shut down, to not shut people out again, but the whole world is in chaos right now, things have become infinitely worse for LN, I've effectively pissed off everyone, Olivia is missing, and I can't even face my own girlfriend because every time she says she loves me and that we're going to have a future outside of all of this someday, I just want to crawl out of my skin because how - how can she look at me and all of the choices I've made and all that's become of this and still think I'm worth it? I don't even think I'm worth it!"

Sam held onto her hand, squeezing it gently but also firmly, wanting to give her some ground to hold onto. He could see she was drowning, just as much as he had been at one point. While he knew this situation was different, one difference was he was there for her. She may not have been able to be there for him, and he understood completely, he was going to be there for her. "Hey, I get it, okay? I'm here for you." He put one hand on her shoulder, gently squeezing it while the other still held her hand. "It's hard when the whole world is against you. Or at least it feels that way. But you have support even if you don't think you deserve it. Because the truth is, you do. And that girlfriend of yours does not give up on someone if they mess up big time. She was literally there for me when I thought for sure I didn't deserve it. Because she still saw something in me that I didn't see. That I didn't want to see because of all of the mistakes I made. And she is doing the same for you because she loves you and she cares about you. And I still see my friend Marley in there. Because deep down you still want to make things better. Did things get royally messed up? Yeah, they did. But the hard part now is figuring out what to do next. You can do that with the people who love you and want you to be okay. That can start with Dani and I, if you want." His stomach dropped at the mention of Olivia, thinking of his own friend who had gone missing so long ago. Aether, how long had it been now? "I know you don't feel like it but I am so glad you survived. Because now you can show them that you are worth something and that you can make things right. I know right now it might be hard to know what that is. Trust me, it took me months to finally figure out what I needed to do. But at that time, I had only myself. You are a step ahead of me because you got me. Dani. You have us. We're not going anywhere."

Marley looked up when Sam grabbed her shoulder. Though it was hard to hear - hard to accept when everything in her head screamed the opposite - she couldn't discount what he said. He'd been there and back. He'd survived. And if she knew nothing else about Sam, it was that he was loyal. Even going through hell, he still stood by his friends. By what mattered most. If he could survive... if they had all survived this, then she had no other choice. She had to at least try. Or try harder, in this case. "I do want to make them better," she nodded, reaching up with her free hand to wipe away at the moisture on her cheek. "I just don't know how to yet. There's so much... there's so much wrong to be fixed." And not enough of her to fix it all at once like she wanted to.

Sam understood where she was coming from. It was hard to see what to do next when there was too much that needed to be done. "Sometimes the easiest thing to do is start small." He thought of the monthly donations he still made, how they never wavered from going to their recipients. "And just work your way up. But the first step is to take care of yourself and not pull away. The answer will come eventually. And you'll know what the right thing is."

It was hard to see what the right thing could be at that point - or that anyone would want anything from her at that point - but Marley could do small. She could take baby steps, however futile or frustrating they might feel. She could start at home. She could starting by going home. “Thank you,” she murmured and squeezed his hand again. “I’m so sorry I didn’t see how low you’d gotten. I’m sorry I dragged you into all of this, almost got you killed.”

Sam shook his head gently, "Hey, it's okay. You had every right to feel how you did back then. I don't blame you at all for not seeing it. I didn't want anyone to see it. I felt like I deserved it. Just...having you here now, that's more important to me. And now I can be here for you." He wrapped her up in a hug, wishing he could help more. "It's alright, Marley. It's over and done with. It's just time to move forward now. That's all we can do."

#paras #you'll never walk alone #aquaevans #tw: death #tw: depression #tw: self harm #tw: drug use #tw: violence #tw: blood #tw: eating disorders #tw: suicidal thoughts

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