RHRN spoilery talk
(about grief and mental health and the ending, the way I see the movie and why I love it so much)
I am feeling so many things about the fact that Copia was so unwell and anxious during the movie, trying to push away the reality of the end of his time as Papa as well as the visible signs of illness in Sister, that he dissociated the moment he stepped off stage, that he saw her sitting in a regular chair instead of the wheelchair, blended out the doctors and IV bags to see her how he wanted to see her, this strong powerful woman who has been by his side, pushing him, and who he only recently learned was his actual mother. It is so very easy to get lost in your anxiety about the future, in the anticipatory grief of what you'll lose, struggling to stay mindful and here where you have actual power over your life.
And looking back at the chapters this is what he has been doing, clinging to his little comforts (think of the whipped cream moment in the movie vs. the video games, the tricycle rides, the movie scene re-enactments), pushing away unwanted thoughts (not doing his taxes, the fact that neither his father nor his mother openly admitted to the parentage despite all signs being there, letting him float in uncertainty), playing it off like he's cool about everything while feeling dread and anxiety on the inside the closer he comes to the end of his era and presumed death (think of the coffin scene, the intro to the movie).
This man had no family so he picks role models that are close to him and suddenly when he learns that they were family all along he loses them, learns that he has been lied to most of his life and worked hard for others, to fill their shoes (first his father, now his mother). Despite Nihil treating him awfully he continuous to try and reach for approval for his achievements which he does not even get by the end as he's promoted ("I hope this new guy doesn't disappoint like you did"). He will never get emotional fulfilment from his father despite having small bonding moments, something that is fucking hard to accept and that he brushes off by throwing silly insults at him because it hurts. Because yeah, this is the type of pain that makes you feel like a child searching for breadcrumbs of affection from parents who do not know how to meet your emotional needs.
I feel just incredibly seen by all of this, the grief, dealing with sick relatives, emotional neglect, absent fathers you try to get love from but never will, lack of familial support, depression, trying to hold on to what comforts you in the darker moments, struggling to stay present in the face of anxiety and the world at large. I know this plot means little to some people, that you'd wished for more drama or something different altogether, but I feel like if you paid attention to the chapters then this is only the natural progression, the natural conclusion of his arc. It is very raw if you look past the comedic relief, and it is very well done in a way that keeps the campy, silly vibes of the chapters while still approaching these subjects in a very tangible, relatable way. It just makes me love the band even more.
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You're not lazy.
*beep* Struggling to get out of bed doesn't mean you're lazy, it means you're struggling.
Forgetting to do a task doesn't mean you're lazy, it means you forgot.
Wanting to get up to clean but being unable to doesn't mean you're lazy, it means you're unable to do it. *beep*
Sleeping in doesn't mean you're lazy, it means you slept in.
*beep* Being unable to shower when you're unwell doesn't mean you're lazy, it means you're unwell.
The only point at which you would be "lazy", is if:
You're fully capable of doing the thing.
There is no physical, mental or emotional reasons stopping you from doing the thing. You also have enough time to complete the thing and no other responsibility that should come first.
You know it's going to inconvenience you (or others) if you don't.
You still actively make the decision not to do it.
There is no or close to no feelings of "remorse" about not doing the thing.
*beep* You're allowed to forget, to have your mind's and body's needs get in the way, to be unwell. *beep* You deserve to have your inhibitions be acknowledged, to "go through stuff" and not have your struggles invalidated with a "lazy" label plastered all over you.
So don't insult yourself... you're not lazy, you're human.
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please can you do some Nina headcannons I love your version of Nina!!!!
Yes! My fellow scemo queen I love her! I was pretty indifferent to her before, but seeing her on tumblr and TikTok made me like her a lot more! Especially bc ppl hc/draw her as black and the fandom needs diversity! I like many others hc her as black so these will be written that in mind!
🎀Nina the killer Headcanonns🎀
Nina grew up in the suburbs
So she got bullied really bad
Not just because the way she looks, being scemo but being black and dark skinned
She would sob herself to sleep every night
She started to hate her skin color, bad
Like really bad
She correlated it with being “ugly”
So when she got into Creepypasta and saw Jeff, she was mesmerized by him
I mean he was beautiful. The pale skin, jet black long hair the blue eyes
The opposite of everything Nina was
So she aspired to be like him
So she practiced with knives she stole
Butterfly knife tricks, knife throwing you name is she could do it
She also taught herself how to fight
So next time when her bullies tried it with her, she beat their asses so bad
I mean really really bad
She got suspended
And got stereotyped as the “violent angry black girl” causing her to get isolated even more
It wasn’t fair. She was just defending herself and retaliating
Her mental health was awful and she was severely insecure
So she dove into Creepypasta and Jeff even more
When Jeff started putting letters in her locker she was so happy
She would do anything to be his and Jeff knew that
He came into her life when she was unwell and vulnerable
So he manipulated a 17 year old Nina into doing what he wanted
He made her cut a smile in her face
He encouraged her to bleach her skin, playing on her insecurities
“Don’t you want to be beautiful like me?”
She went along with it, she hated her skin color anyway
And he told her to killer her family last. She did it.
Then he abandoned her in the mess she made
Nina thought Jeff was her only purpose and put all her value into being Jeff’s
She thought Jeff gave her her worth and she thought she “loved” him
She looked for him and found him when she was 20
Jeff, impressed with her finding him kept her around, but he’s never liked her
This was all Nina thought she was worthy of and the closest thing she thought she was gonna get to love
This went on till she was 26
One day Jeff told Nina to find and kill Jane
Jane being the baddie she is talked some sense into her as they fought
“Fighting me? Because Jeff told you to? You and I both know he doesn’t like you. Why do you listen to him?”
“No. You don’t know what you’re talking about!”
Nina was deeply in denial
“Come on Nina. Cant you see Jeff is using you to do his dirty work and for fun? I don’t believe you’re that stupid.”
Nina gets teary eyed and runs back to Jeff
“Do you like me at all?”
Nina knew the answer but part of her wanted to prove Jane wrong. But she knew that wouldn’t happen
“Like you? I like that you do what I say. Did you kill that bitch Jane like I told you to?” He laughs in her face
Nina attacks Jeff out of anger. She gave her whole life to this man since she was 17 and he didn’t even respect her?
Nina got a few hits and stabs in but Jeff ultimately won. You can’t outdo the doer
He kicked her out and screamed at her. He called her every insult. Pointed out every insecurity. Made her feel worthless
Nina wanders through the forest sobbing and injured and comes across Jane again
“Jane, I’m sorry I-“
“You’re injured, did Jeff do that?”
Nina nods and cries
Jane takes her to EJ and lets Nina stay with her
Nina wasted her years on a guy she never loved and a man who never even liked her
They grow closer over the months and have multiple conversations
“How could I have fallen for that? I’m so fucking stupid Jane.”
“You were a child, Nina. You have to forgive yourself”
“Jane…I hated you. Why are you being so nice to me?”
“You need space to heal from Jeff. Besides, we’re both his victims in our own ways.”
That word “victim” broke Nina. She killed and got stronger so she wouldn’t be a victim of anyone. But she willingly became Jeff’s victim by being so insecure
She cried and cried for months
She wasted her life on Jeff
While she was going through the process she started her relationship with Toby (I went into detail on that on TikTok)
She asked Toby and Jane to come with her to EJ to get her smile stitched up permanently, leaving every piece of Jeff behind
She’s also letting her skin heal and go back to its natural color and she’s super insecure about it
“Toby…what if you don’t think I’m pretty anymore?”
“Huh?”
“My skin…”
“Oh, that. I don’t care about that. I think it’s really pretty. You’re really pretty. I don’t care about your skin. I care about you.”
Nina let some silent tears stream down her face and smiles. She knows Toby only says what he means. And bluntly. “Thank you, Toby”
Nina is 27 years old
She’s 5’8
Nina is full scemo in looks and music
Nina listens to emo, scene, dubstep, hardcore, post hardcore, metalcore and pop punk. But she’ll listen to anything she likes
She loves going to concerts and raves, since she never got to go as a teenager
She drags Toby along, even though he’s not a people person(he enjoys himself bc he’s emo too even though he won’t admit it)
Toby let Nina cut his hair because she begged him to. She wanted to give him straight emo hair with layers and a fringe and she did just that
She wants to dye it pink and black to match hers but he won’t let her. She still begs him every day though.
She’s always been good at doing emo hair because she’s been cutting her own hair for years and dying it too
Nina loves thrifting and shopping (Toby goes with her so she doesn’t get harassed)
The skin where her smile is stitched up is textured and scarred
Nina sometimes misses her smile and will draw it on with makeup
Her favorite foundation is Fenty Beauty and her shade is 430 :3
She loves making Candi bracelets especially with Toby and Jane
She “steals” Toby and Jane’s clothes
Nina’s favorite foods are cosmic brownies, birthday cake milkshakes, sushi, burritos and kettle corn
She loves sugar a lot and any food that’s rainbow like her
She’s always switching hair colors but always goes back to pink and black
Nina and Toby have matching piercings! (Canine bites, septum, tongue, eyebrows, and a whole bunch of ear piercings)
Nina has band posters all over her room and plushies too!
Her pillow is always stained with hair dye
Nina teases her hair every day so it’s super big
Nina kills people still, but mainly shitty boyfriends
Nina has tried to be friends with clockwork but Clockwork REALLY doesn’t like her because she’s dating Toby now
Nina is sweet, bubbly, outgoing and kind so a lot of creeps like her :3
She’s a bit more mature now that she’s away from Jeff and a lot happier too
When Nina teases and straightens her hair she teases and straightens Toby’s hair as well. He doesn’t care. He’s actually impressed with how cool it looks
Nina loves practicing her screaming while Toby sings and plays drums but she’ll practice screaming on her own too
Nina has big round light brown eyes
She feels horrible about stuff she’s done in the past
Nina gets really insecure about people not liking her and she’s scared Toby and Jane secretly hate her
She’s much smarter than she was before but you can’t really tell by the way she acts
Nina hugs Jane and thanks her once a day. She wouldn’t have gotten away from Jeff without her
Take Toby’s goggles and wears them to raves
His mouth guard sometimes too
She’s just healing her inner child by being her beautiful self
And having people around her that truly love her
She loves wearing pink lipgloss and black lipliner to match her hair
Her makeup is traditional emo/ scene makeup circular eyeshadow and big eyeliner
She convinced Toby to wear a bit of eyeliner
Nina is bisexual!
She had a crush on Jane first but didn’t act on it since Jane’s married
Nina has an extremely high pain tolerance and plans go get tattoo sleeves all in one sitting
Mixes her black culture with scemo culture
Brown lip liner and large hoop earrings with some 90s/y2k fashion seen on black women at the time along with all her emo fashion
She’s truly accepting herself we love that for her she would’ve never done that before what a queen
Nina is a huge people pleaser
She’s extremely hyper, expressive and jumpy!
(God I love her!)
When she likes someone or falls in love she’s extremely obsessive and will do literally anything for them
Unironically likes the ham egg and cheese hot pockets
Doesn’t wear purple as much as she used to reminds her of when she met Jeff
Constantly getting candy from LJ
She enjoys rolling the dice to see if it’s poisonous or not
She’s impulsive and a risk taker like that
Wow this is long can you tell I’ve thought about her character a lot?
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Hello ☺️
I was listening to The Age of Napoleon podcast and the host puts forward the idea that when Murat was inexplicably unwell in Spain of 1808, it was more of a mental breakdown because Napoleon had not been pleased with Murat trying to request for the position of King of Spain.
I know the cause and the illness itself was never really confined and I've heard the King of Spain request a number of times in contemporary writings. If this is not true what do you think caused his illness at that time?
Hello! This is an interesting subject, and I tend to disagree with the standard narrative that Murat’s illness in Spain was due to him not getting the Spanish throne. First, I think the idea that he was so bent on becoming King of Spain is really hyperinflated. That he wanted *a* throne for himself and Caroline, I don’t doubt; I just don’t agree that he was particularly enthusiastic about being King of Spain; perhaps during his early days in the country when he was still fairly upbeat about the state of things, but definitely not after the Dos Mayo uprising and the ensuing rapid deterioration of the situation in the country. The May 2 uprising came as a brutal shock for Murat. If you read his correspondence leading up to it—and I included several of the key letters around this period in my book—in general, he was very (naively) optimistic about the state of things in Spain, the reception he received upon entering the country, and what he perceived as pro-Napoleon sentiments from the populace. He was frustrated by Napoleon’s lack of clear directions and the complexity of the increasingly fraught political situation but overall was still convinced—even after one of his aides-de-camp was stabbed at a bullfight in late April—that nothing was going to happen and the Spanish people would accept whatever decision Napoleon made about the Spanish crown. When the capital exploded in violence on May 2, judging from the tone of his letter to Napoleon written that day he was quite shaken by it, although he did his best to ensure Napoleon that it was nothing but a small minority of troublemakers and that the vast majority of the people of Spain were still pro-French. Marbot writes that Murat “quite misjudged the Castilian character” and “imagined that they would be frightened by the suppression of the revolt at Madrid, and would make a complete submission.” He ended up being wrong again, and honestly I think he just wasn’t well equipped to handle the situation. He didn’t deal well with these types of deteriorating situations well at all (see also the Russian retreat after Napoleon left him in charge), and the stress inevitably took an awful toll on him.
All of the above might seem like I’m going off topic from your question, but I think it’s relevant in the context of Murat’s ensuing illness because Spain is really the first instance where his health is dramatically affected at a point of intense stress, strain, and overwork. If his alleged disappointment over not getting the Spanish throne factored into it at all, I think it was only a small part of it. There’s one key quote I came across years ago in a memoir and I’ve been trying to track it down again and am so far failing, it may have been from Roederer or someone else who accompanied Joseph, but it was an observation that Murat seemed greatly relieved to put Spain behind him. The more I think about it, I can’t help but conclude that Murat’s disappointment might’ve had more to do with his perception of being slighted/unappreciated/cast aside by Napoleon, than it did with the throne of Spain per se; he and Joseph also disliked each other, and to see Joseph chosen over him probably was an extremely bitter pill to swallow. Murat will have similar bouts of bad health in Naples during periods of heightened tension/perceived insults and disrespect from Napoleon, especially in 1811.
When Murat fell ill in Spain, his health collapsed so quickly and violently that it was speculated that he had been poisoned. He complained of severe stomach pains and was vomiting bile. Historian/Murat biographer Vincent Haegele writes that “The effects of this disease manifest themselves physically on a body largely exhausted by stress, shortened nights, and perhaps immense resentment for the Emperor. Murat exhausted himself by working during the day and could no longer sleep at night, as noted by La Forest, who was serving as French ambassador to Spain at the time. La Forest described Murat having “restless nights” and, in Haegele’s words, “a nervous tension that was less and less controlled,” exacerbated further by news of growing uprisings throughout Spain and the assassinations of various Spanish officials, situations which forced an already exhausted and unhealthy Murat to have to keep working even harder. He relapsed in early June, and La Forest wrote on 7 June 1808 that Murat “spent a bad night, given over to melancholy ideas” and that “General Belliard asked me not to go and see him, confiding in me that H.I.H. needed solitude and was suffering from nervous affection.”
So tldr; I think Murat’s illness was mostly the combination of too much stress and overwork, that not getting the Spanish throne was a smaller part of it that has been largely overblown.
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As someone who’s experienced and gotten mental trauma from being verbally bullied and/or verbally peer abused in my life-
I honestly dislike how bullying and/or peer abuse is handled in Warrior Cats.
I’ll list some examples here. Please note though that some bits of the series that I mention here I have NOT completely finished reading and/or fully remember, with those parts being filled in from the fandom and/or wiki, so I apologize if I mention any information here in a incorrect and/or wrong way.
Example One: Tallstar’s Revenge
Shrewpaw taunts Tallpaw and calls him “Wormpaw” in order to take fun of Tallpaw’s heritage of his parents being tunnelers. He also unsheathed his claws once while training with Tallpaw as well.
And after Sandgorse - Tallpaw’s father - dies, and tries to go into the tunnels due to the fact that Tallpaw’s father was $h!tty towards him because Tallpaw’s training to be in a Moor runner instead of a tunneler-
Shrewpaw literally says to Tallpaw - a grieving, mentally unwell cat - that literally no one would love or miss him if he died or was gone.
Like- I know that Shrewpaw was also grieving his mother, and probably blamed Tallpaw for death, but’s that’s NO excuse for him to say that to Tallpaw, especially since Shrewpaw himself know the crushing grief and anger of losing a parent.
Your grief does NOT excuse your shitty actions and/or willingly stating bad and harmful $h!t towards others.
But for some reason, instead of the narrative of the book as something not excusable and/or at least putting weight on it to the point that Shrewpaw acknowledges how bad he was to Tallpaw and gradually work his way into being a better person (towards Tallpaw)-
The book instead makes him somewhat like “What? Huh?? I was only teasing you. I didn’t know you were hurt by my bad treatment towards you! :(”
And the book just went along with it and Talltail just believed that awful excuse and just forgave him for that? For some reason??
Example Two: Fire and Ice, and Into the Wild
Sandpaw was a rude bully to Firepaw, insulting and talking badly about him and being xenophobic towards him.
That is until after Fireheart saves her life within Fire and Ice, and Sandstorm grows as a character and treats him nicely after that traumatic and/or mind-changing event occurred.
And it, indeed, does make sense for her character, since she probably internalized and believed the xenophobia within the clans and her viewing Fireheart in a different light after literally saving her life (despite how $h!tty she was him), so her changing her behavior towards him does make sense, and I like that she grew as a person and/or character from that experience.
However, despite this, it does NOT excuse her behavior towards Fireheart when he was a apprentice, and please correct me if I’m wrong about this, but despite how bad she treated Fireheart in the past, he just…forgives her quite quickly and calmly within Fire and Ice after she treats him kindly?
Because I would honestly like it if Fireheart was still quite at least still a bit bitter towards the Sandstorm past treatment towards him, to the point that has to process his disliking of her and/or Sandstorm gradually proves that she’s a better person towards him before they’re chill hanging out with each other.
Example Three: Leopardstar’s Honor
And the fact that Leopardpaw literally gained TRAUMA from Skypaw nearly DROWNING her, to the point that Leopardpaw couldn’t even SWIM in the WATER without being reminded of the fear and pain she felt (possibly nearing drowning) when Skypaw suddenly pushed her head underwater.
And instead of Leopardpaw feeling connected to her mentor to the point that she reveals this traumatic event that occurred and was caused by Skypaw with Skypaw being rightfully punished and/or condoned for it, and her mentor and Sunpaw helping Leopardpaw learn to process and/or overcome that trauma that Skypaw gave her-
Skypaw NEVER gets punished or at least properly addressed for what she did to Leopardpaw, and her mentor - or at least her friend - does NOT learn about what happened to Leopardpaw, resulting in them to believe that she has a average cat dislike for water instead of a fear of water from a TRAUMATIC EVENT that occurred to Leopardpaw.
And while yes, while I suppose there’s a chance that this is probably something that’s a more realistic and/or capable thing to occur within real life-
The fact that this trauma that Skypaw caused Leopardpaw to have wasn’t properly addressed and/or dealt with in a way that honestly doesn’t feel good written honestly…quite irks me a bit.
Of course, I’m NOT surprised that the Erins weren’t able to treat this subject good and/or with proper care (and probably with the most of the serious subjects that they put into their writing)-
I still honestly can’t help but feel quite irritated and/or upset about it, especially when such a sensitive and/or serious subject (that’s already undermined and improperly addressed as h*ll) within a book series whose readers are or at least includes literal CHILDREN isn’t properly treated and/or presented that good (or even decent.)
Please note once again that my knowledge of these parts within the series may not be complete and/or as accurate as they should be, so if I stated or mentioned anything wrong and/or incorrect correct here.
I’m so sorry if I didn’t properly word and write anything well within this confession either, I’m wrote this with zero sleep yet at around 2:15 am - 3:00 am. I’m also sorry if I overreacted to some of the information within this confession as well.
Thank you for reading this rant, and I hope that you have a good day and/or night today.
.
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