#mentally ill about this stand
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STANDVERSE AU - Time for the stand that i am mentally ill about. they wear t shirts and listen to music. also please imagine them with their voice from ASBR
#jjba#jjba au#c-moon#c moon#jjba stands#standverse#standverse au#jojos bizarre adventure#jojo's bizarre adventure#cmoon#jjba c-moon#whitesnake#mentally ill about this stand#cmoo...#art#jjba fanart#fanart#arrt
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on a completely separate note; shizun luo binghe with a disciple shen yuan who fell into the abyss??? *thinks about LBH canonically stealing SQQ's corpse for 5 years* he'd hallucinate i think. like, like visual and audial hallucinations.
Keeps thinking he's seeing SQQ in the corner of his eyes, or wandering between the trees, amongst a group of disciples. Thinks he hears him calling for him, but its just the wind or another disciple.
Gets Xiu Ya reforged but patently fucking refuses to make a sword mound. Because his disciple Is Not Dead :))) There was No Body. He's Not Dead. And If You keep Insisting That He Is, He's Gonna Skewer You :). He's holding onto Xiu Ya so he can return his most favored disciple's sword when he returns. It's on his hip right next to Zheng Yang where it's supposed to be.
Also this motherfucker?? does not sleep btw. He has the image of SQQ, wide eyed and hysterical and standing at the mouth of the abyss burned into his fucking eyelids. Can't use the dreamscape to escape it either because he keeps trying to save him and either he does and it's an incredibly cruel trick to wake up to, or he doesn't and he gets his heart broken in several different pieces again.
There is no convincing this man that Shen Qingqiu is dead. Absolutely nothing at all. He is buried so deep in denial that moles would be jealous of how deep he is. He keeps making tea for two in the bamboo house only to remember that it's just him. SQQ's fans are hiding everywhere, little reminders of his presence. He goes to wake up SQQ on the mornings he sleeps in-- only to find the room empty.
#svsss#luo binghe#svsss au#scum villain#scum villian self saving system#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#disciple shen yuan#lbh. visibly exhausted and with twitchy eyes: im fine :) | everyone else: ho no the fuck you ARENT.#SQQ was hysterical not because he found out LBH was half-demon but bc he was having a long-awaited mental breakdown over his autonomy :)#or (limited) lack thereof. he was having a sudden onset crisis of mortality and was handling at quite literally the WORST time. oops#im thinking very hard that LBH would never push his disciple into the abyss especially with no system to force him to. so SQQ either#had to goad him into it (failing always) or throw himself in. he ended up doing it himself but not before some very impressive hysterics.#BUT ALSO. IF THIS HAD BEEN WHERE SQQ WAS THE HALF-HEAVENLY DEMON INSTEAD IT WOULD'VE BEEN SO GREAT.#and by great i mean horribly angsty bc SQQ is NOT doing too hot and has. in very SY-like fashion. convinced himself that LBH will kill him#when he finds out he's a demon. so when it comes out i have this mental image of him lunging at LBH and LBH flinches back. but SQQ wraps hi#hands around the blade of Zheng Yang and yanks it up so the tip of the blade is digging into his chest where is heart is. LBH can't yank th#sword away without risking slicing into SQQ's hands. SQQ's hair has fallen out of its tail/bun and is now messily spilling down his#back and its NO helping the kinda deranged look he has going on. he's visibly shaking and his eyes keep flittering away and back at LBH's#face. SQQ is looking at the messages from the system warning him that he has to go into the abyss or punishment will occur. he's like.#rambling though. talking about how shizun doesn't *like* unclean things and there is nothing more unclean than a demon. like he is#INSISTING. LBH can't?? get a fucking word in. actually. SY isn't listening that much either anyways. too overwhelmed with the system and#the amount of stress he's under and his crumbling mental state and the innate and primal desire to live even when he's standing in front of#his own executioner. it all ends with him sitting on the ground at the lip of the abyss with his hair falling in his face. he looks so#unkempt and fallen apart and so distinctly *non-Shen Qingqiu* that LBH feels physically ill over it. tears are streaming down SQQ's face#and despite everything he is smiling. its not a nice smile. its a very frayed falling apart at the seams about to crack smile.#he tells shizun not to worry about staining his blade with this disciple's filthy blood because this disciple will take care of it himself.#and then he falls into the abyss before luo binghe can so much as grab him. the only reason LBh doesn't literally jump in after him is bc#he was numb with shock and the abyss was already closed before he could feel his legs again :]
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i dont think i will ever forgive what the internet did to DID because please explain to me how "your sense of self is so torn apart you think youre multiple people" turned into "youre actually multiple people"
do you understand what i mean? please understand what i mean
#kostik speaks#yes cat 3 are real things ive been told and things that honestly really traumatised me and ruined my relationship with myself & disorder#some reassurance im not the only person who finds this super upsetting would be nice#my mental illness: causes harrowing feelings of disconnection from my life and a tendency to disown and/or reject my identity#some people for some fucking reason: reinforces the mental illness in ways never thought possible#i love and appreciate everyone who knows about my bullshit and yet doesnt deny me my personhood or treat me like some freak#i got really triggered about this yesterday so ive deleted the bulk of the tags i wrote (dehumanisation trauma when)#but i stand by this and ive been assured i make sense so sure. posting#this is the real reason i hate giving my disorder by name if you even care. it is specifically this treatment#did tag
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Hey, gentle recognition for the people who are taking care of themselves in "not aesthetically-pleasing" ways. To the people who have to do things they don't want to because they know they would suffer more if they didn't, to the people who have to brush their teeth with their fingers, to the people who have to use washcloths to bathe, to the people who need to punch pillows or scream into them to express their intense emotions, to anybody ashamed about the way they need to live and take care of themselves.
You are doing the very best you can with the hand you've been dealt. It's not easy, it's not pretty, but it sure as fuck takes so much to do these things. You are doing what is best for yourself, and I, for one, think you deserve to be proud of that. Self-care isn't easy. It isn't pretty, often, but it's something you shouldn't be ashamed of or hide away because it's deemed "grotesque" or "not really self-care (because self-care is pretty and non-threatening to 'normal peoples' senses)"
#mental health#mental health support#self care#like when i was still in school i would end up forcing myself to go because i knew i would feel worse if i hadn't...#...and i don't think people get how difficult that is. it isn't like you choose to be difficult when you struggle#and feeling ashamed about doing these things only makes the situation worse for them (the person struggling)#something i've just been thinking about#i hate this idea that self-care *only* looks like the 'healthy' person's treat days...#...like lighting candles around your bathtub and putting rose petals in the water...#...because that isn't the only aspect to taking care of yourself. sometimes it looks like forcing yourself to bathe and grieving...#...and using rough washcloths because you can't stand the feeling of your own skin and you can't stand how dirty you feel...#...and obviously i'm not saying that mentally ill people doing self-care is the only way it looks...#...but that it really doesn't help us when self-care is almost made into a 'non-threatening' activity that is pleasant and nice-looking#and of course the examples i used in this post were examples and aren't the end-all-be-all
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please talk about cheek kissing and yearning please I wanna hear about it
OKAY SO
I live and die by cheek kissing okay it's about the yearning
Now. I'm not going to Admit that the post was about Judas this is purely hypothetical But as someone who's had an entire conversation about betrayal and unrequited love, it's about damning the two of us, it's about sending you to your death and inevitably, me to mine. My last touch will not be on your lips, not while I use my own to bloody your name. It will be on your cheek, where tears will pass over when they fall, and where blood will stream from your crown of thorns, where sunlight withdrew her touch as the veil tears in two
I am your betrayer and your lover both
#jiksvokrat#this is me being mentally ill over any touch that is not directly on the lips#you can also do the lips theres intimacy in that#but my friend has convinced me that jesus and john is the endgame so i stand by that#wolfy tedtalks#hypothetically of course#the post could have been about anyone really
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misc. bribelle thoughts
prefacing this by saying bribelle is my favorite ship. actually might be one of my favorite all time ships considering whenever i catch 11:11 i make a tweet on my priv twitter saying “11:11 bribelle and rarijack” because i’m insane.
anywho…
i think it’s a lot easier to justify saying faybelle potentially has feelings for briar in a canon context because even aside from her diary, her behavior in epic winter can most definitely be read with flirtatious undertones, especially after witnessing the dream sequence
but i’m always trying to justify things to myself in accordance to canon without feeling ooc, because i’m the type of creative who would rather write my own original thing than make alterations to a pre-existing work. that’s just me.
and briar is trickier to do so with. in the show alone, she only actually verbally responds to faybelle once and it’s a line that also adds exposition. “but it’s forbidden!” girl come on throw faybelle a bone at least…
by epic winter, i’d say briar could potentially have had surface level attraction to faybelle, but it isn’t until having that dream and probably especially post-epic winter when she’d get time to actually reflect on it that she’d start to develop palpable feelings for her.
i’ve kinda noticed something about briar: she likes attention. i guess she’s kinda like faybelle in that respect.
briar grew up with neglectful parents. fill in the blanks. why wouldn’t she want attention when she lacks it properly from the two most important people in her life?
along this line of thinking, briar especially values explicit displays of affection, particularly from a potential romantic partner.
so, regrettably, let’s look at her relationship with hopper.
i.e. briar’s behavior in the webisode “Here Comes Cupid.”
when she first confronts hopper about his unconventional advances, she’s disinterested and borderline repulsed.
but after hearing him profess his love via the recording, she’s taken aback and actually grows endeared.
until this BAFOON fumbles the bag and does some really creepy shit by leaning into her personal space and calling her hot. understandably, this miffs briar and she once again loses interest.
(side note, too many people ignore how blatantly creepy hopper is to women, ESPECIALLY briar. he needs to be held accountable, not rewarded by getting the girl.)
even then, despite not necessarily returning his affections, she’s somewhat comfortable in the status quo that he devotes his attention to her. which is exactly why i think in bunny’s diary (bunny is wrong btw she doesn’t know a damn thing so idk why the one wiki that’s not the official wiki list hopper as briars crush when the source is bunny’s word like fuck all) bunny mentions observing briar appearing disappointed when ginger asks hopper to the dance and he accepts.
to briar, it’s like she’s losing one of the few things she’s familiar with, the few constants in her life. in this case, her only plausible option who she’d have reason to believe would accept. and we all know how briar is about losing things.
briar sorta settles into this state of fondness towards hopper’s affections, despite them being unrequited. because at least he gives a damn about her.
faybelle—at least, outside of her diary and up until epic winter—might as well be any villain; faybelle just wants to cause chaos for the sake of ruining somebody’s day. and i don’t think briar likes it that way.
i’d assume around the time of faybelle’s introduction to the series, briar’s stance would be one of upset towards faybelle, believing she doesn’t take their story as seriously as she(briar) does. that her role in sleeping beauty isn’t as important to her as being evil in general.
i have half the mind to say that this could potentially be read from briar’s behavior in faybelle’s diary.
first off, that underlining wasn’t added; the underlines are in the official print. meaning briar is putting emphasis on those words specifically. sure it’s a lesson to faybelle about not being an asshole, but also it reflects on briar in a way. like it could be her saying, “you’re supposed to be my villain, but you act like i’m no different to you than anyone else.”
now, this next part is obviously a surface-level gag about faybelle making a malicious act seem so thrilling, but if we close our eyes and pretend that we’re in a different world called I.D.G.A.F. dimension, we can now analyze this in a different light.
briar’s confused by faybelle’s verbal expression of almost-affection. it doesn’t help that she’s most definitely barely awake. but i’m willing to say her confusion is partially born out of actually having heard faybelle say such a thing. it’s gotta be surprising and hard to believe in that moment, because briar has every reason to think otherwise.
in the show, like i said, faybelle just does whatever the fuck. open a sweat shop? sure why not. assist her peer’s mom in attempting to turn the entire world into her own dictatorship? count her in. make a deal with the mafia? just a regular tuesday. but god forbid she focus on being the one to make the sleeping happen in sleeping beauty.
i think that irks briar. or at least make her generally act indifferent when faybelle comes waltzing around to do god knows what; if she won’t care, why should briar, right?
then there’s epic winter. or, as i like to call it in bribelle terms, “they finally fucking interacted”
when briar explains faybelle’s inclusion of herself to crystal, she simply says it’s her thing and cites the sleeping beauty story. like “hey crystal this is my villain btw, trust.”
later when briar’s yapping about the story, some may say it’s counterproductive in relation to briar’s arc that ashlynn brings up the miserable part of it only for briar to talk fondly of it, but i know briar personally, and have been filled in as to what the truth is.
briar dropped that attitude because faybelle was there. she started talking up the story, almost as a cue to faybelle, like “hey remember how you’re like a big part of my life’s purpose???”
faybelle butts in about it. and briar doesn’t get the chance to respond, but i think she was almost expecting faybelle NOT to gaf, so her doing so threw her off just a little. maybe she expected to hear something like “who cares?” instead.
then of course when they get to the castle briar’s little act is dropped and her deep fear of the sleeping beauty destiny is once again present. and of fucking COURSE that’s when faybelle decides to CARE ABOUT THEIR STORY.
listen to me, LISTEN. briar looks at faybelle BEFORE faybelle actually says “no, there’s another room far more important to our story. isn’t there, briar?” she looks at her BEFORE she actually talks. she was looking to see if she’d react, then when faybelle does speak she looks away, then she bumps her to get her attention so briar has to fight the adhd and lock in.
and faybelle just keeps instigating which honestly kinda takes briar out of her typical sulking over her destiny mood and more of like ‘what is your game here exactly’ mindset.
there’s so much to that look briar gives her. so many emotions in there.
after this they go up and faybelle taunts some more only for briar to almost actually prick her finger yada yada. and like i said, it’s a lot easier to understand faybelle’s pov. it’s very clear she doesn’t actually wanna go through with cursing briar, teasing and all. she makes as much obvious by her reaction alone when briar gets too close.
but once briar’s fine she’s like ‘yeah, okay, back to normal,’ meanwhile briar is kinda just done because faybelle is acting a fool. but she never shoves faybelle off of her unlike she did when hopper intruded on her boundaries huh briar why is that what’s that about briar still, briar has yet to have any indication from faybelle about how she actually feels in regards to their story and her role in it. or how it pertains to their relationship with each other. rather, faybelle doesn’t take it seriously much to briar’s chagrin.
then the dream sequence happens.
to me, this is the turning point.
it’s a stupid music video for an insert song, but goddamnit it confirmed darabella and even hunter got to be there with ashlynn so i’ll die standing on business.
this is what briar’s been waiting for from faybelle. that frenemy status is something i think briar wants to figure out which one to see faybelle as, depending on how she really wants to proceed with the story. and i’d say faybelle surprises her; hell, she even shows her a side of her rarely seen.
like with hopper, an outward display of affection such as this is something briar is drawn to. faybelle’s display towards briar in the dream sequence is something briar would be endeared by, as she goes out of her way to prevent her from experiencing the very thing she’s been dreading for so long. that’s gotta fit briar’s love language.
side note, i think it’s very very interesting to note that faybelle is the one to swoop in and save briar in this case, without any other characters present to show a significance in the ending of the story. i say this because hunter gets to be in ashlynn’s sequence and the bears are in blondie’s, despite none of them being in the tower asleep. all this is to say, if briar really did have feelings for hopper or really was gonna end up with him or some guy, they’d be there, right? but nope, just faybelle. I Understand.
after that we don’t really see them interact at all again, but there’s the general disdain for faybelle’s actions as a shared sentiment amongst the others. either way, by the end she shows remorse and seemingly ends on good terms with everyone, meaning i don’t see why briar wouldn’t be left thinking about the dream, seeing her in a whole new light. honestly briar would probably be kinda intrigued by the idea of the bad girl having a soft side for her. briar and i actually spoke about this the other day.
either way, this is briar learning that despite the general ignorance faybelle portrayed, she actually does care about her.
faybelle demonstrating, proving to briar that she is capable of showing affection and actually does care for her is what i think is enough for briar to begin to start falling. (which is kinda reflected in how i approached their relationship in fable fest.)
because briar knows there might actually be something there.
or maybe it’s a kid’s cartoon and one girl mean other one nice, idk.
#guess how many mental illnesses i have#2 digit number#that’s an exaggeration#point still stands#i cry when i think about bribelle#eah#ever after high#briar beauty#faybelle thorn#bribelle#briar x faybelle#briar and faybelle#ramble#duncontent#i’m half asleep so i pray i hope i don’t wake up going “who let me post this!”
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coughing and hacking
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Marsha, Thankk You for the Dialectics, but I Need You to Leave /
...well, better than the alternative /
Outliars and Hyppocrates: a fun fact about apples /
Love, Me Normally
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#drrr!!#drrr#durarara!!#durarara#izaya orihara#shizuo heiwajima#shizaya#will wood#admin draws#fanart#i hate this album (i love it to pieces) (i bought it on bandcamp and you should too)#you should also listen to it whole not just these that manifested as acute mental illness#and please please PLEASSEEE imagine izaya specifically doing an onstage monologue with that last one <3 heart love but no peace. oooh no.#i once spent an hour and a half listening to it back to back with izaya in mind and cried and shitted in hallus dms the whole time#i fucking cant stand him AND THE CURRENT BLORBO IS ALSO ADSORBING THE WILL WOOD SONGS. KILLING SELF#anyways. will wood so fucking good . please . jump in the sauce with me#edit it is now apr 18th i have now officially fucking failed in holding back the onslaught of will wood thoughts about new blorbo#lucky that i still dotn know how to translate the thoughts into an interestign visual format otherwise#it would be so fucking over already otherwise
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Hello! I really liked the recent chapter you posted. I'm excited to see more :]
Do you mind elaborating on Spy's jewishness? It's a very fun headcanon and I'd like to learn what you think about it ^_^
sure! first of all 🍉🍉🍉 to be clear
sniper and spy are the only two who i’ve explicitly stated as jewish within the text, i think, and likely the only two for whom it’s going to come up super frequently, but i also do think that tony’s wife theresa is jewish, as is collin’s wife lily, and i don’t think any singular one of them is the classic Monolith To Represent An Entire Culture Singularly.
i imagine spy was somewhat heavier on tradition for himself, more orthodox, follows kosher, that sort of thing, and that if his family were still physically present enough to be part of his life they would be absolutely flabbergasted that he married an irish catholic woman and even more flabbergasted at how chill she is about it. i imagine spy is a pretty private guy but went out of his way to stay in contact with the judeo-french community in boston. this would’ve been around, like, ~1940 or so? the O’Connell family i always believed to be closer to South End, which was historically a cultural hub in the city. him being part of espionage efforts as a teen throughout the 20s means that he had a pretty unusual immigrant experience for that reason, but i thought it was more interesting to sort of keep spy more grounded in reality compared to the team fortressing of the rest of the peripheral landscape. some of the older boys who remember when spy was around remember how hard spy and ma worked to celebrate the holidays for both catholic traditions and french jewish traditions, and archie for example has tried to pass that on to his own kids as well.
sniper meanwhile i have grounded as kind of the ‘my family is jewish but um y’know not in the way that people hate’ brand ‘palatable immigrant or different culture trying not to take up space in a place that is not necessarily friendly to outsiders’ story. his mum and dad were the only jewish people in their relatively small community by the time sniper was a young boy and they really did try to keep up traditions, but it’s hard when you have no outside support to help reinforce that stuff. sniper has a (relatable) internal sense of being both an outsider to the predominant culture while also not feeling confident enough in it being ‘his culture’ to make any claims for himself. i imagine that if he could meet some of spy’s old buddies in boston and connect a little more with the diaspora he would be able to start feeling more of that pride and connection, but as it is he’s caught between dodging antisemitism and denying a culture that does matter to him but in a way that’s difficult to verbalize and not often asked about.
i think spy and sniper might bicker about it at times in later chapters, next chapter in particular. scout’s ma is definitely going to make at least one more comment about scout getting married to a nice jewish boy though. that trope in media about east coasters is just too much of a staple to pass up.
#shut up me#everybody talks#to be clear for those not in the loop. 🍉 free palestine free gaza#i think statements of overt support are really great but my concern is always that it comes across as meaningless or empty#i think in the case of me being a writer in particular i have the ability to be very clear on where i stand about issues through my writing#if you don’t think i support transgender people or asexuals or the mentally ill or POC or immigrants or disabled people then pay attention!#writing nuanced humanized experiences is kind of my whole game and i’ve captured a lot here#i’m happy to have more of this conversation but only in good faith. bad faith will introduce you rapidly to the beloved block button
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when an obsessed orufrey person plays ace attorney for the first time in a while
#witch hat tag#orufrey#you know those times when the defendant is still in shambles at the end of a case because it was not a clear-cut thing#but you get to present one Special Sentimental piece of evidence that proves not all is lost#qifrey's breakdown would be like... he turns up calm and pleasant like dahlia kristoph gant etc but very quickly:#well first he's hiding his scar so you have to use the bracelet and also you find out about the seal on his hat using that.#eventually he is throwing water that comes out of nowhere like that coffee prosecutor guy. and his cape starts billowing#the more he breaks down his neck thingies start coming undone btw. To represent his descent into guilt and his LIES becoming undone.#course as the player i have already used my magatama and seen his 35894 psychelocks. but theyre those BLACK psychelocks#representing his repressed memories taken by the brimhats. also his glasses shatter out of nowhere when you keep presenting evidence#and tartah's testimony etc. and the player is like UHH this guy is A PUPPET MASTER but coco's heartfelt testimony commands the tone#and of course he's someone who has been twisted and damaged by trauma like adrian andrews. the mastermind is of course the brimhats#only me with my magatama knows that... only i can do it. It has to be me.....#just like how as the reader i can see everything about qifrey and i can hold him dear as much as i judge him#whereas if i were oru things would not be ok unless memories can be restored and mentally ill decisions can be illuminated#WELL ANYWAY !!!!! what i appreciate about ace attorney is its ability to mix silliness with seriousness#i cant usually make jokes about serious heavy heartbreaking stuff in witch hat because it is all very intense emotions for me#but i appreciate ace attorney's mix of sincerity and psychological pain and the inherent silliness to being a character in a situation#so.....Get Iguin on the stand. Now. BAILIFF.. TAKE OFF THE MASK#i would most love to be able to prove qifrey's eyesight is failing. hed be like I have no reason to pursue the brimhats (smiles pleasantly)#and it would be like You're lowering your gaze.. proof that the court lighting is too harsh for you..!#his glasses would crack at that moment btw. I used apollo's bracelet and saw the glyphs on the glass.#I know all about u. and i will save u
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Batman #186
I love it when Bruce just does rich people things. He decided that kids that Dick was working with needed ice cream so he got a ice cream truck and brang it to them.
#this is the first time ive seen Alfred too. so far ive read just Detective Comics but this is Batman's stand alone comics and i think silver#age? so Alfred is now in it!#comics#dc comics#robin#batman#bruce wayne#dick grayson#nightwing#alfred pennyworth#jonathan crane#scarecrow#im reading Batman Arkham: Scarecrow so that why all my post are about Scarecrow#bRuCe dOesNt dO aNYtHiNg fOr GoThAm hE jUsT bEaTs uP tHe mEnTaLy iLl 🙄🙄🙄#pick up a comic. he does plenty and you act like those mental ill people arnt committing crimes! its not like he just goes into a hospital#and beats up the people in the psych ward. they mentally ill people he fights are robbing people or killing or committing crime#and do you think Batman is mentally stable? look at him! normal people dont do that
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you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.
i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.
#every time i try to reach out or talk to someone it goes nowhere. i dont have any social skills anymore and have no clue how to keep a#conversation going. half the time even when i do people stop replying to me. which is fine theydont owe me a reply but still feels likeshit#when i tried to make one new irl friend it just didn't work because they have better options for friends. we spoke occasionally but never#messaged online like ever and would only talk when we happened to be in the same place. i tried multiple times to organize a time to hangou#none of which came to pass. i dont understand why this one didn't work because i thought this person was interested in being my friend but#i guess i was wrong or thought they were more interested than they really were.#i have a problem with reaching out anyway which has been a problem i have had since i was like 11. reaching out to people first doesnt come#easily to me - in the beginning when i was a lot younger i didn't want to bother people with my presence & thought if i were to come to#someone first they would feel pressured into talking to me when they didn't want to. this is stupid of course. but has still not left me as#something i feel is very core to the way i act today. waiting for someone to come to me first feels like my only option because i do not#know how to reach out effectively (my evidence being i have failed every time i have tried) & i am convinced people dont like me in the#first place and do not want me to approach them.#i dont really even know who to reach out to in the first place. my world is extremely narrow. the number of people i know has shrunk#significantly and my standing in their eyes collectively has also shrunk significantly in the past few years. i feel like every person i#was once friends with wants nothing to do with me. i feel as if i have burned every bridge possible.#when it comes to the fact i complain all the time . which i know of course is annoying. its because i cant find any kind of joy in anything#i do or see or whatever. nothing makes me happy - i only see things to complain about. all stimulus seems grating and the world seems#specifically catered to make me miserable. all i can really do is complain. i treat this blog like a stream of consciousness and when most#of that consciousness is occupied with how much i hate being alive the blog will mostly be complaining. its a vicious cycle lol .#anyway . i guess the key theme is low self esteem begets low self esteem in many ways. mental illness begets mental illness.#i am not really saying this to anyone least of all to you anon. i just felt compelled to recount i guess for myself the reasons that came#to mind for why i am like this. i am talking to myself here
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i dont think regular people can grasp how isolating it is to be that person who is always single in a society and environment where people are always dating, and dating is so culturally relevant. all my friends have had longterm/serious relationships and even when theyre single they are usually seeing someone. im seeing someone maybe 2 months a year on average but im „true single“ most of the time and dont really get into relationships at all. and its always been this way.
and with age and thanks to getting more into feminism i know that my selfworth and value as a person does not rely on dating. in fact most relationships i see are dysfunctional or with men i would not want to be with (im saying men because they are usually the problem, but also because most men are just unattractive on top). and i think that promoting to women that being single is okay and good actually is really important. that you can very much be happy without a relationship.
nonetheless there is of course the human need for affection, a longing for romantic/sexual companionship (i know some people dont have that and it doesnt make them less human but i think its normal human desire that cant be unconditioned, and i dont even think that should be the goal). and you can barely protect yourself from sociocultural messaging which is additionally enforcing it. even if you rationally know that there is nothing wrong with being single, especially as a woman its difficult to shake this feeling of being a failure. always seeing your friends go through the motions while you remain the same. etc
anyways im really vulnerable right now if any insane women want to take advantage of me…
#personal#how do they even meet all these people who are mutually interested in them?#especially now that im not doing one night stands and casual hookups just for the sex anymore im moving towards restoring my virginity#and im a really rare case too because my ‚body count‘ is way above average (not counting prostitution for obvious reasons)#but ive more or less always been single#i dont want the people who want me and with the people i want it never works out#and i know it doesnt help im mentally ill and sexually and otherwise traumatised and loud and annoying and harsh but i swear im such a#loving and caring person to the people close to me and i have so much love to give#and it only happened recently i decided i actually want a relationship i was always very anti relationship#my friends are shocked about my change of heart! but alas my life carries on as it was
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I believe Kamala- despite every word she has ever spoken on the matters- is actually deeply pro-Palestine, pro-trans & overall a progressive hero, because I understand that when democrats say repugnant reactionary things while campaigning they are actually lying! which is good & normal for so-called democratic elections!!!!! if you listen to the gnomes who live inside my walls you'll understand her real values, which she'll totally pinky promise act upon once you reward her lies & elect her! you dumb third party voters would understand this if u payed attention in civics class 💅💅💅
#do you votescold blue no matter whos even hear yourselves#like i say this from the glass house of mental illness i too live in but yall are fucking clinically deranged#'u see the good guys will lie to us to seem like bad guys until the season 4 finale when plot twist reveals thay r good!' LUNACY!!!#santa clause is more real than a promise out of the mouth of a democrat i am BEGGING liberals to understand (and give a shit about) this#sorry i guess unlike the 'injustice sensitivity' many american neurospicies love using as a shield for when they do racist things i just#have boring I Dont Like Being Lied To autism which uh is preventing me from (well a lot!) getting on the imperialism train that many#of you are twisting yourselves into pretzels of cognitive dissonance & ahistorical nonsense in order to cope with!#vote if you want idgaf but stop posting electoral cope!!! stop seeking absolution for the crimes youre cosigning!! you cant have it all!!!!#i'll see you in another 4 years when nothing has been done about climate catastrophe or genocide or lgbtq rights or reproductive rights#bc if- and its still a huge if- kamala wins i know for FACT the usual suspects are already cooking up excuses as to why she cant follow thr#through on any of the crumbs of progressive policy she claims to stand by. its already the senates or SC fault right 🙄#ugh anyway now im just going down the 'every easily identifiable lie of the dems that I'M somehow the bad guy for noticing' rabbit hole#and that leads to nowhere but madness and an afternoon wasted 😤
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it's bout to be 20-fucking-24, and we still out here discussing if chloe price is a toxic bad person or not. yall chloe haters just admit yall hate women and cant handle a bad bitch, and we can move the fuck on. cuz im sick a yall.
#chloe price#beez is talkin#this IS about the chloe vs sam stardew poll#and the rancid takes i saw in the notes#chloe isnt dateable because she's mean.#what kind of fuck ass statement is that#god forbid a traumatized mentally ill teen girl be mean. call the fucking police.#yall are weak in the meat. stand up and look inward.#chloe is a toxic bad person because she mean but oooh here come brooding bad boy number 834 and yall tripping and falling over yallselves#ur all pathetic.
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once again thinking about how growing up in that tomb affects cole's beliefs and ideals in raised by serpentine, more specifically the idea of the constrictai and tomb dwellers as this one big community where everyone gives to the collaborative effort. how that's reflected in cole's own friendliness and desire to Be Involved and Help Out even when he's with the ninja, how community and banding together are important to him. thinking about how earth masters have a semi-celebrated role in the community as Guardians and Pillars of Strength and Peace and Giving, how the legacy cole has to measure up to—one of selflessness and honor—further colors his decisions to the point where he almost fixates on the idea that one day he'll have to pay the ultimate price for the greater good—and how that idea fares against the reality of watching zane do exactly that in rebooted. i just.... augh. cole <3
#lego ninjago#raised by serpentine#cole ninjago#also just. tournament of elements oh my god#for one there's chen who should not be alive after 250+ years but still is bc ofc he is /neg#and also chen's like. a really nasty sort of boogieman figure to the serpentine at large bc of his involvement in the war#so cole is. especially off-balance when looking at this skeletal old man bc he's grown up with the stories surrounding chen and the war#so he's. he is genuinely pretty afraid of chen in a ''this is the fucking boogieman'' kind of way#idk if i'm explaining it right but yeah#AND THEN. WHEN COLE FORFEITS HIS FIGHT TO JAY. HOW IT'S A RETURN TO LIVING UNDERGROUND CUT OFF FROM THE SKY#HOW COLE STARTS OFF WITH THE GENERAL PRE-OPENING TOMB MENTALITY OF ''this isn't smth we can fix so let's not worry too hard''#AND HWO THAT ATTITUDE IS DECONSTRUCTED BC WHILE THE TOMB COULDN'T BE OPENED FROM THE INSIDE THIS FACTORY IS NOT THE SAME#AND IT'S BOTH A REBUTTAL OF SOME OF COLE'S BELIEFS REGARDING HIS ROLE IN THE WORLD#AND OF EVERYTHING THAT CHEN STANDS FOR AND EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO THE SERPENTINE AFTER THE WAR#BC IT WASN'T RIGHT TO LOCK THEM UNDERGROUND. AND IT ISN'T RIGHT FOR CHEN TO DO THE SAME WITH HIS FACTORY WORKERS#and then how that plays into cole as the master of earth and thus as one with the downtrodden and lowly#who's own ascension sheds light upon those below and raises them up as well#i just. oh my god. oh my fucking god#me when the silly au makes me fucking ill thinking about it (in a good way)
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omg! world's most hyperspecific self-indulgent crossover just dropped! (it's the locked tomb. it's a nier automata tlt au.)
#look im mentally ill about both of these series ok? ok.#2b9s are soooo necrocav to me#eighth house because uhhhhhh. ok fine its because i wanted an excuse for them to keep their funny little blindfolds#BUT ALSO i think the spirit stuff is a good stand in for hacking and theres a lot of potential w/ soul siphoning. you know. for suffering.#although it would be funny as hell if 2b was second house and 9s was ninth#second or fourth house honestly might be a better fit but i think the religious overtones of the eighth r interesting too#unrelated ill take any excuse i can to put 2b in masc outfits#i really do think i am uniquely ill about this game ANYWAYS read tlt it goes so hard#nier#nier automata#tlt#the locked tomb#fanart#crossover#my art
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