#like i say this from the glass house of mental illness i too live in but yall are fucking clinically deranged

[comradecowplant]

I believe Kamala- despite every word she has ever spoken on the matters- is actually deeply pro-Palestine, pro-trans & overall a progressive hero, because I understand that when democrats say repugnant reactionary things while campaigning they are actually lying! which is good & normal for so-called democratic elections!!!!! if you listen to the gnomes who live inside my walls you'll understand her real values, which she'll totally pinky promise act upon once you reward her lies & elect her! you dumb third party voters would understand this if u payed attention in civics class 💅💅💅

[mrsnancywheeler]

the lakes (13) // finnick odair x f. reader

summary: it's supposed to be over, you and Finnick are supposed to spend the rest of your lives helping each other heal. living as peacefully as possible, but the the third quarter quell throws a wrench in your domestic bliss.

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masterlist

4.9k words

warnings: angst, lots of it, fluff, mental illness, self hate, self destructive behavior, paranoid, scared, unreliable reader, gore, death, violence, cursing, bad familial dynamics, mentions of drinking and partying, unedited, no use of y/n, terms of endearment, allusions of dissociation

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

You don't know for how long you'd been sitting in the water when Beetee and Johanna joined you. Their presence startling you out of the bliss of just holding Finnick in the water, as if it was a night back in District 4. But, this would never be that, this was just something Capitol citizens would cry over until they eventually forgot, moved on to new victors.

“We're going to head to the tree where the lightning strikes, so I'll have enough time to set up. Johanna will go with Katniss to the beach and take care of her after they get off the sand.” Beetee adjusted his glasses, you all had to be so careful with your words. To the people watching it had to seem like allies turning against allies, not a cleverly thought out escape plan for the rebellion. You nodded, but not a single molecule of your body wanted to move from where the ocean could rise and fall on you while Finnick's warmth shielded you from any chill.

“With the sun setting, we better start heading that way, then." Finnick began to stand, much to your chagrin, but the sooner this was over you could be safe with each other in District 13. At the very least out of the dangers of the arena. "C’mon, sweet girl.” He pulled you up from the water without a second thought, pulling you comfortably back into his side.

The trek to the tree felt long and grueling from the time you'd spent in the water, you couldn't stop yourself from thinking about your bed back at the house in District 4. That lovingly, delicately made bed where you'd processed the worst and best moments of your life before you slept. “I love you." It was unprompted, but it felt right for you to say to him as he walked, arm firmly around you.

Finnick tilted his head down at you, a soft smile on his handsome face, “I love you too, angel." He kissed your forehead, "Don't ruin the moment by telling me some plan you have of sacrifice.” Although it was playful, you knew he was somewhat serious, he knew you.

You lightly elbowed him and he exaggerated his wince, "I just spend a lot of time proclaiming how I can't live without you and not enough just say I love you, so yeah, I love you.” It felt almost embarrassing to admit, but your brain always felt like a cesspool of anxiety and fear, it had been too long since you'd been able to just be the two of you without a care.

"You know how complicated it is to be married to someone when their way is to live and die for someone when you love them so much all you want is for them to live an eternity?” The smile is still on his face and so’s that playful tone, but it fits where it needs to. If the world was a better place it would never have been a problem that you would follow him to the ends of the Earth. That you refused to wait for him when asked and followed him to the battlefields, but the world was not a better place and you'd dug your own grave in blissful acceptance.

“Yes I do, I'm actually married to him right now." He rolled his eyes at you with a scoff. As the sun faded the more thankful you were for Finnick’s warm touch that made it feel like there were a thousand fireflies under your skin. The closer you were to the tree, the closer you were to Beetee blowing the arena open, so you could live in some semblance of peace for at least a little while.

“Oh, be careful, angel." Finnick steadied you when you almost tripped over a stray root, a reminder that even if you'd been focusing your energy on not losing him, you were injured. The faster you could be in a hospital bed and without a lightness in your head, the better.

“Thank you." The words had barely rolled off of your tongue when you were suddenly in the presence of the lightning tree, which was monstrous as it towered over the other greenery.

“Minimal charring, it's an impressive conductor. Let's get started.” Beetee's voice is clear in the crisp night air, the fluttering and chirps of birds filling the air. Finnick’s warm hand guides you towards the tree, which you would consider to be rather intimidating. Beetee is instantly wrapping coils of the wire around the tree's branches. While he works you let yourself fall into the comfort of Finnick's neck, his scent, the warmth he exudes onto you. His free hand thrumming against your hip and you feel your brain leaving the moment before it's slightly occupied by Beetee's voice once again, “Typically a lighting strike contains five billion joules of energy, we don't want to be anywhere in the vicinity when this hits.” He's seemingly finished with his circles around the tree as he begins walking towards Katniss with the coil. “You and Johanna can go together now, take this, unspool it carefully, make sure the entire coil is in the water, you understand? Then head to the tree at the two o'clock sector. We’ll meet you there.” He's so precise, like a typewriter as it clicks out each letter.

From the look on her face Katniss seemingly does not understand, even in your slightly cloudy state you can tell she's unhappy with the letters clicked out. Peeta must feel the same way as he insists, “I'm gonna go with them as a guard." Johanna and Katniss would be just fine as each other's guards, and you can tell the so-called star crossed lovers plan to flee as soon as they can, not that you blame them. If there was no certainty you could survive with Finnick you would beg to do the same.

“No." Beetee instantly replies, his plan has made it through every cog in his brain. Peeta cannot be the wrench in the system that leads to freedom. “No, no, no, no, you're staying here to protect me and the tree.” The cloudy state is dissipating, if there's a plan you believed in it was Beetee’s and this stopped it from going off without a hitch you could feel the spiral around the corner.

“No, I need to go with her." Peeta stood his ground and you felt Finnick stand up straighter. Your own heart felt like it would thrum right out of your chest if the delay continued.

“There are two Careers out there, I need the guards."

Peeta pointed at you and Finnick, “They can protect you just fine on their own, two for two Careers." You cursed Peeta Mellark for trying to make holes in a plan he didn't even know about, but what he was aware of was irrelevant when you were all so close.

“If you want three, why can't Johanna stay with them too and Peeta and I will take the coil." Katniss interjected, the air was now tense.

Beetee walked closer towards her, “You all agreed to keep me alive until midnight, correct?”

"It's his plan, we all agreed to it.” Johanna chimed in, her voice still full of its usual blunt aggression, but you can sense the anxiety involved in keeping the plan on track.

“We should just stick to the plan and after we'll all meet up in sector two anyways." You try to say it softly enough as to not imply some sort of scheme worked out against the couple.

“Is there a problem, here?" Finnick tilts his head in Katniss' direction. She stares back at him for what feels like hours, like she's pondering her own response.

"Excellent question." Beetee has taken another step forward.

“No, but it should be three and three." Katniss eventually says, looking firmly at Finnick and then at Beetee. “She comes with me and Johanna." Katniss nods to you and suddenly your fogged state is truly gone.

“No." Finnick says too quickly.

Katniss shrugs, “Then we find another way to split it, but three and three is fair." She's trying to use you as leverage to keep Peeta safe, if any cannon goes off she'd attack you, you're sure of it.

The familiar sensation of nausea has once again nestled itself inside of you. How could you leave Finnick after you'd sworn to stay by his side as a reminder of your mutual safety, of you future together? Yet the plan needed to be executed in even less time now, regardless of what the cost may be. Your nose felt congested with the panic, but slowly you forced your heavy head to nod. “It's okay, I'll go."

The way Finnick looked at you for that you're sure will forever stay etched in the darkest caverns of your memory, like you've betrayed him. “Great, there's no problem then.” Katniss has already moved on to say her farewell to Peeta, but the pit in your stomach makes it almost impossible to look at Finnick.

"You said-” You have to stop him before he begins because you know you'll fall into a ball on the ground if the tensions rise anymore.

" I know what I said.” You croak out, "Finnick, there's no other way. We have to do it and I'll be back as soon as it's over. I really, I'm telling you I wouldn't do it if there was. Please, please, Finn believe me. And I'll find you right after.” You imagine you must sound somewhat incoherent in the way you can feel your own voice rushed and shaking, trying desperately to affirm your words. “Please." It's a plea for him to know you're doing it for him, for both of you, not because you didn't sincerely mean what you said. He nods slowly and you almost gag when you can't read the expression in his eyes.

Softly and slowly he taps part of your arm, ‘don’t forget,’ he's trying to say as he kisses your forehead before pressing his own to yours. He's shallowly breathing through his nose as he grips your shoulders.

Your voice is breaking as you beg for his trust, “Please, Finnick."

"It's okay.” He whispers and your brain screams that he's a liar. You don't deserve to have your feelings protected and you'll gladly spend the rest of your life making up for this. Then Finnick’s lips are on yours, the honey, the saltwater overwhelming your senses and you wish you could pause like this forever.

“We have to go." Johanna's gruff voice leads Finnick to pull away and you wish you could cry, grovel at his feet, and refuse to go with them. It's like weights are on your body when you begin to walk away, go back, go back, go back you tell yourself repeatedly. Yet you can't and you have to force your voice back to a normal volume, give a small smile. You've had years of training to act okay, but people from the Districts have always been more perceptive of the acts then those in the Capitol. At least you assume so, other victors at the very least know, the possibility that Katniss could fall into either category means you have to be extra careful. Make sure that she doesn't sense what has to be done to get them out of this wretched jungle.

“Yes, we're on a schedule.” You follow the two of them away from the lightning tree, your saving grace, Katniss is looking back at Peeta, but you know if you look back at Finnick the never ending, nagging self-reproach will make itself known. “We can trade off the coil if it feels too heavy, it's been a long day."

The rocks you're having to climb through don't make the trip any easier and the wounds still untreated in your back get increasingly sore. There's no telling how much distance you've actually put behind yourself and the tree, but it feels like an eternity. Which could just be due to the awkward silence that settled between you all. Apparently Johanna wasn't pleased with however much distance you had made in the time because her voice broke the quiet air, “Come on, I want to put as much distance between me and this beach as possible. Frying is not how I wanna go.”

You murmured out an agreement, somehow in the muggy air your body was still finding ways to be cold. You must just run cold because you could swear there were goosebumps taking over with every slight wisp of the wind. It made you miss having Finnick there with you, to keep you warm. Katniss seemed put off by something you couldn't see, “There's something…” She trailed off, pulling at the coil of wire that refuses to move. With a sudden jerk the wire bounced back, someone had cut it, Katniss dropped the coil behind her. You had less then a second to be caught off guard when Joanna shot you a look and you grabbed the coil, using all your force to knock out Katniss. There was no longer time to wait until after you'd taken the wire to the beach.

Katniss fell over and you tossed Johanna one of your knives, she swiftly was cutting the tracker out of Katniss' arms. Katniss was crying out in pain, you crouched over her shushing her as you saw Brutus getting closer. Johanna's bloody hands surrounded Katniss’ neck, if you were lucky she'd look close enough to death they wouldn't bother checking. Enobaria was in view now too and you took the knife from Johanna, throwing it in their direction which missed miserably, you were off your game.

“Stay down." Johanna hissed at Katniss before throwing her ax which also missed. Then the two of you were running the other direction. Brutus and Enobaria chasing you through the darkened jungle trees.

You could hear, far off, Finnick calling your name. “Where are you?" Yet before you could reply a spear was whizzing past your ear, you ducked, falling into the ground to keep you safe. Maybe if you buried yourself deep enough into the forest floor they would no longer be able to see you, but that was wishful thinking. You could hear grunting that just be fighting and your eyes searched in the dark for where the spear might have been, but you couldn't find it. Then there was a yell, your brain took a moment to register who it must have been, Chaff. A cannon echoed, your brain flashed with memories of how kind he'd been, drunk, reckless, how he could always make you laugh and loosen up at Capitol parties. You didn't know who'd killed him, but he was gone. Another reminder of what you needed to fight for, to escape for.

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

District 4 was the same as you remembered it, while almost, even though the attitude was celebratory everything seemed much more bleak to you. You'd stared out the windows as you arrived at the outskirts, the waters were still glittering with the sun, no one was out working though, they must all have to be waiting for me, you told yourself. Sandy beaches and fields rushed past, you were excited to feel the heat underneath your feet once again.

“What's going on in that head of yours, sweet girl?" You'd nearly forgotten that Finnick was sitting not far off, letting you absorb the silence of the train car.

“Just ready to be home.” You allowed yourself to smile, to be excited, you felt like a pendulum of remorse for any positive thing happening, to elation that it was you who'd get those things. Maybe there would be no expected future of a crabbing business with Conway in a small, rickety beach house, but there was a grand home in Victor's Village now waiting for you, its own backyard being the expanses of the beach.

“You won't have much free time for a while, but I'll find time for us." Finnick scooted closer to you, “To picnic and swim as long as we can.” His ocean eyes are so talented at pretending to be okay, it hurts to think about it too hard.

"I'd love that.” He kisses you so softly you feel like the waves are slowly rippling around your body. You want him to consume you like the waves would, for your struggles to be washed away, and to live in the facade of a carefree, partying life he portrays for Panem. Even when you'd dated, sometimes he'd let it slip when it was the two of you, be resigned to his emotions, but most of the time he was full of adrenaline, excitement, laughter, and smugness. Maybe that's what you found so comforting, he could be the highest of highs and the lowest of lows which is how you felt. Conway was peaceful in a way that was almost dull, Finnick's chaos gave you, the peace that you supposed Conway would have given anyone else.

His hands, always radiating the heat of the sun and a thousand other stars, cradled your face when he pulled away to smile at you, “I'll be right by your side for the roughest parts and everything else, we can pretend it's just us, partying and thriving.” You didn't know if you could thrive, but you trusted him, if playing pretend made it easier you'd gratefully live every day in a fantasy.

You were both still young, if you could push away the dread thinking about what your actions had caused, then it would be a cake walk to act like you were still innocent on top of being young, dumb, and fun. Maybe it was true that there was nothing a few drinks couldn't fix, something you'd get to try out tonight, at the party where District 4 welcomed you back as their glorious, crowned victor. When you stepped off the train into the warm breeze made you smile at its familiarity, and the smell of fish that could sometimes reek simply made you ecstatic to be back, especially with the hints of salt water. It was hot and you were so blessed, the train had been blasting cool air as you sat in your tiny sundress, you would've sworn they were doing it on purpose, keeping you cold to remind you of how they'd nearly brought you to death and could do it again if they wanted to. You had no reservations of the Capitol’s cruelty, yet here you were so ready to lap up the rewards for being such a good puppet.

The train station was filled to the brim with familiar faces from all across the districts, school mates, buyers and sellers from the markets that you'd also missed so much, fellow crabbers your father was in competition with, cheering, smiling. Your win meant Parcel Day, meant pride for the District, it had been years since they'd won, not since Finnick, and here you were. You let yourself smile and wave back, trying to not let it falter when your eyes finally grazed over them. Conway’s family, it definitely must have been a requirement to come because they could not have been more than a cloud of complete darkness, a cloud that seemed like it would drag you in if you looked any longer. Some of them with their anger, seething as they started, others with a heartbreaking look of betrayal, and worse of all was his mother. Her numbness that you recognized from yourself that made you want to revert back into it. A voice you recognized called out to you, so you slowly peeled your eyes away from Mrs. Delmare.

Your sister, any feeling of dissociating into yourself fled when you saw her, helping your sickly mother stand. For what felt like the first time in years, they were all smiling. Of course they were, you'd saved them, you could give endless medicines, medical treatments, no one needed to worry about work anymore, not when you'd ensured it for them. Conway's family, the Delmares had a better off business, they had each other to stay afloat. If your sister took your place in the markets, trying to charm buyers, your mother would wither away and so would your shy sister. Maybe you weren't a part of their tight-knit group, but you still loved them and they needed you. Conway had said it himself, had validated that reason.

“Avonlea!" You smiled brighter, waving until your arm hurt. Eventually the Peacekeepers indicated it was time for the train station to empty out, you'd finally get some time with your family before rushing to get ready for a party with District 4’s finest, richest members. When the station had cleared of everyone except them, and of course your escort chatting excitedly with your designer team who'd been dragged along, Finnick and Ondine whispering something amongst themselves you'd run to your family.

You were shocked by your fathers hug, so loving, “Welcome back home, sweetheart." He whispered gruffly, voice deep and scratchy, the last time he'd hugged you was before you left for what he probably assumed was your certain death, and you couldn't remember one from before that. He pulled away from you, "I love you, we all do.” He said firmly.

You hummed out some sort of confused noise, "Everything was televised so when you talked to Conway about…” Your mom's frail voice trailed off into a cough that had you wincing.

"You're an important part of this family, we're sorry if you don't always feel loved, but you are.” Your father finished, gripping your shoulders like you'd slip away. It was sweet, but you'd never had any reservations about them not loving you, it wasn't just about love. It was the way you were never a part of them, whatever things they did together, was for them to do together, you'd go off, find Conway, find a party, and eventually you'd even found Finnick to keep your attentions occupied.

“I love you too." You kept smiling sweetly, “Mama, the new house is gonna be perfect for you, no leaks in the ceiling, the windows will stay shut at night regardless of the wind, the beach in our backyard, and I've already heard of all these new medicines."

“You're a sweet girl." Your mom smiled, reaching out for her cold hands to grab yours, “People might think differently around here after what they watched or think they saw in you, but you've always been caring to the core.” It meant a lot, you'd always envisioned your sister as the caring, compassionate one, not you with your days spent talking at the market as you sold your father's catches, before running off to find the excitement of other people. You felt like you were endlessly selfish, but maybe she was right, maybe your downfall would always be wanting to take care of someone else.

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

It was more painful to get up than you'd anticipated, rocks scraping your hands, but you couldn't just lay there and play dead. In the faint light piercing the darkness you could make out Brutus fighting with what seemed to be Peeta. Where had he come from? Finnick was supposed to be keeping him safe, when had that all gone out the window?

Johanna and Enobaria were also in hand to hand combat, with one swoop Enobaria could knock Johanna over and rip out her throat with those formidable teeth. The part of you that yearned for Finnick, to listen to him, told you to run, call out, find him, apologize more for leaving once again, but you couldn't leave them like this. You'd have to resign yourself that no matter what you did, you lived in a tragedy of eternal guilt. You threw your remaining knife and it landed on Enobaria's shoulder. Her screech was almost animalistic, she turned to you and that was when Johanna had her swept onto the dirt.

In a mess of grunts Peeta had tackled Brutus. With the way Peeta presented himself it was shocking to see the brutality of his strength especially against someone who you would've ranked among the stronger of the tributes. What looked to be a rock was in his hand, crushing itself into Brutus’ skull, over and over until another cannon went off. Quickly followed by the rumbling of thunder, “Finnick!" You screamed instinctually, you needed to find him. Weren't you all supposed to be far from the tree and in sector two? You didn't even know what sector you were in or where to go from there.

“Where's Katniss?" Peeta asked, his voice rushed.

“She's okay, she's safe." Johanna responded, to the citizens of Panem it would seem like a clever lie, but it was at its core an honest reassurance. Suddenly your body hit the ground again, head hitting a rock, the way it seared made you think it tore open the wound that must have been trying to scab. Your assailant is almost growling, Enobaria trying to rip your throat open. You screech scratching at her hands when what you assume is Peeta throws her off of you.

Johanna helps you stand, but you feel like passing out as she pulls you up. There's something you're forgetting, something that needs to be done, Finnick needed you to do it. The pain burning into your head makes it nearly impossible to focus on what, “Johanna, there's something, god, I can't think of it."

“What do you mean, there's something?" Peeta asks when suddenly there's a buzzing noise, you think it's your head, but the others look up. Something pulses through the dome and suddenly the sky, the real sky is shining through. It's not night, it's bright as day.

“We have to go, sector two." Johanna pulls at your arm, you're excited, this is it, freedom, but you pull away from her.

“Finnick! Finnick!" You yell as loud as you can, stumbling forward when suddenly debris starts to fall from the sky. A tree catches on fire, quickly engulfing those around it in flames.

“We have to go." Johanna urges again, Peeta is confused, stunned.

“No, I told him, I promised." You insist, trying to forge on ahead although you feel like you're going to faint. “Finnick, Finn, where are you? It's me!"

Johanna grabs you again, her pulling is harsher this time, “He'll find us, let's go." But his lack of a response has your blood fused with anxiety, what if he was standing to close when the lighting struck? You had to find him, to make sure he was okay. She pulls you away and you lose balance as another piece of the dome falls. You're forgetting something, you all are, something on the tip of your tongue and you need to find Finnick, he'll know, he'll remind you. It has to be figured out now, he has to be found now, so later he can joke about how helpless you are, how glued to each other you are. A hovercraft, Plutarch should have a hovercraft, but that's not the missing thing.

Tears are filling your vision, fuck, fuck, fuck, you're so stupid, he told you something or showed you something. Why isn't Johanna more concerned, has she forgotten too? You've thrashed out of her grasp when this time a beam falling from the sky is about to fall on you. There's an attempt to move, but before it had you somewhat trapped beneath it, screaming in agony when the pressure hits. “Finnick!" Your screeching is out of breath, but you need him to find you. You're sobbing, too overwhelmed, this is not how it's supposed to go, back aching, head throbbing, burning pressure laying on top of you, and without the one person you need. This is why he didn't want you in here, why you should've resisted Katniss and stayed close.

You were stubborn and now you're going to die here, Finnick's going to spend eternity cursing your name for refusing to just listen to his needs, to his love. You can't hear what Johanna and Peeta are saying, you think they're trying to move the metal, but you can't feel your legs. All the pain is too much that it's suddenly like you can't feel too much of anything, except the fact that your eyes are begging to close. To fade into the darkness, to welcome death, at least you won't have to see his anger, his grief.

Oh your Finnick, the way he tasted like honey when he kissed you, how he smiled and it blinded you, the way his touch was like sunshine. Your Finnick who took care of you at your weakest moments, who took care of you in your best moments. The Finnick you read to, the Finnick who'd always remembered how much you loved peaches, the Finnick who owed you a proper wedding. Your last thoughts would be of him, his brightness before the darkness entrapped you forever.

You woke up to a blinding light, white walls making it even more grievous on your eyes, it was freezing, when you went to move your hands they rattled to the sides of the stiff bed you lay on you realized that death would have been a much kinder master. The vase of white roses already told you your fate would be a lot worse than then the death would have bestowed. When your mind finally caught up with itself, the surroundings had been properly recorded, the first thing you did was to pray for death.

𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒂𝒌𝒆𝒔, 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒘 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒃𝒍𝒖𝒆𝒔 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒆𝒂, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰'𝒍𝒍 𝒎𝒆𝒆𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒓

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

thank you to all of those who've read and supported this series so far, I'm so excited to start the river and explore finnick's perspective during the events of mockingjay. in the mean time feedback is appreciated, comments, likes, reblogs all make my day! I'm always excited to answer asks and requests are open, I'm working on some right now for you guys. thank you all so much for all the support and I love you all 💋

(also lmk if you guys want to be on my normal taglist as well, I haven't been tagging anyone because I'm just running under the assumption most of you just want to be tagged for this, so lmk if you want to be tagged in my one-shots too! you're all so appreciated, I genuinely can't believe people want to be notified to read this little series I made up anyways ❤️)

taglist: @coriolanussnowswife @avoxrising @artsyaquarium @jennaaaaaaaaaaaa @secretsicanthideanymore @darlingsoulbeautifulthoughts @thatonegayloser616 @libertyybellls @meri-soni-meri-tamanna @ravensinthedaylight @innercreationflower @uhnanix @aesthetic0cherryblossom @yourdailymemedelivery @ang3lflor @maxinehufflepuffprincess @prettybiching @miserablebl00d @wowzabowza69 @nomorespahgetti @problematicpastry @abaker74 @nj01 @whens-naptime @sarcasticbooknerd12 @cakes-hq @honethatty12 @s1lngwns @alliex-o

[miaclemeverett]

amazon standing lamp - using drugs and sex and other unhealthy distractions and coping mechanisms to deal with losing people you love out of your own fault. the top-heavy amazon standing lamp part is a really old wilbur joke (back in 2020 he joked about naming a song this) and it also reminds me of how (i think it was him?) he once said that he moves house so often that he loses so many belongings and only has a few things left that he cares about, i think this pairs really well in the song how the artificial meaningless things are all that remain

mine / yours - the breakdown of a relationship, seeing the warning signs and the things you take for granted assuming a person will stay with you forever despite it all

around the pomegranate - this song reminds me a lot of "since i saw vienna", when a place (california in this song) becomes so married to a person that it serves as a source of comfort and nostalgia for when things were simple and happier. being on the road you can never set down roots and people come and go from your life

i don't think it will ever end - he lives life in front of millions of people (chat in this song) watching his every move, like an actor he either has to play the part he's made for himself or isolate himself from this audience, it's a repetitive cycle that sends him downhill

glass chalet - back in the dark days of 2021 i remember wilbur would always joke (SLASH SERIOUS) about quitting streaming and disappearing off the face of the planet for years without a single word. VERY HEALTHY MINDSET exhibited right here in this song

melatonin 130 - I LOVE 100 GECS!! but in all seriousness the constant reminder that you have mental illness/anxiety your entire life and you can only cope with it, that it impairs you even when you should be happy cus obviously you're living out what you thought was your dream and everyone else thinks you should be on top of the world duh!

oh distant you - JUST KILL ME. your sister was right but WORSE!!!!!!!! again you take for granted that someone will stick with you forever and only after it's over realizing that you can't fill the hole where they were. and again we're back on fixating on who is the villain in this narrative

eulogy - your sister was right but worse 2, this song focuses on the whispers (good and bad) leftover from a relationship. harkening back to screensaver where he says that the subject in talking about their relationship basically makes him sound like hitler, and your sister was right where he talks about the warning signs the subject should have seen, this squarely places the blame on him

dropshipped cat shirt - I LOVE 100 GECS!!! but anyway the grueling day-to-day of being on the move, singing to people who adore you and make up a version of you in their head, latching onto unhealthy coping mechanisms to keep going, you have everything you ever needed and wanted but you're bored out of your mind

the median - short but sweet! as i said earlier, wilbur always has to play a part, and this audience projects their version of himself as the truth

trying not to think about it - I KNOW I PUT DAMN NEAR THE WHOLE SONG DOWN HERE BUT LISTEN. again realizing how much you take for granted the assumption that someone will stick with you forever. wilbur has mentioned before how as a hypochondriac, he's never taken seriously by doctors whenever he doesn't feel well. also this idea of romance and love as something just for the aesthetic, not as something that gives you stability and meaning but realizing that it can be that for you until its too late.

10 week rule - who got him pregnant?? but in all seriousness i think this can be read as a way of turning a new page, but obviously its not as simple as just getting rid of something unwanted

[astroismypassion]

Astrology observations 🌌🌌

Credit goes to my Tumblr blog @astroismypassion

🌌 Virgo MC can’t really get away with “bad decisions”. For example, if they don’t eat well, overindulge, they are more likely to get backlash or criticism from people.

💙 Retrograde Mars people can often percieve themselves as not enough sexually desirable. They might think people don’t want to have sex with them.

💜 People with Capricorn Moon or Moon in the 10th house and other Earth Moon feel like their mental health starts get better if they just begin doing chores.

🌌 Neptune in the 4th house and Pisces IC native is that family member that can’t ever be blamed. Family members might even fear hurting this native due to how innocent they are and that they have the most unconditional love out of all family members.

💙 Gemini Suns are scared of gossip. Because they are aware of the fact that even a made-up thing can be turned into “a fact” too quickly and that people can end up taking a misconstructed thing as the whole reality.

💜 To me Virgo Venus has “minimalist” aesthetic, Taurus Venus “quiet luxury” aesthetic, Pisces Venus “coastal grand daughter” or “cottagecore” aesthetic and Capricorn Venus “preppy” or “dark academia” aesthetic.

🌌 I noticed Scorpio Moons most often only have one active social media account. Like they would use JUST Tiktok or just Tumblr, just Instagram and nothing else.

💙 Neptune in the 1st house women enjoy colouring their hair and changing colour. This is even more prominent if they also have Uranus in the 1st house.

💜 Women with Virgo Mars might have a husband that is gluten or dairy free. Also, your partner might have really nice skin if Virgo Mars is located in the 9th house or the 2nd, but if it’s in the 8th house or aspected with Pluto, he could actually struggle with keeping a healthy skin, could be prone to acne.

🌌 Musicians who have Gemini North Node or North Node in the 3rd house were discovered on Youtube or on a social media platform.

💙People with Scorpio over the 12th house or Pluto in the 12th house might help or serve ill people, such as granting the wish of critically ill people.

💜 You might buy food, food brands or meals from people who share your Moon sign. As an example: if you are Taurus Moon, you buy food items made by Taurus Sun people. If you are ans Aries Moon, you support food brands made by Aries Sun.

🌌 Leo Rising hair always stands out. Even if they are bald, have buzz cut, thin or frizzy hair. People tend to remember their hair the most.

💙 Gemini Mercury loove saying “fun fact…”. 😂

💜 Sagittarius Mars natives might really like their first time (having sex).

🌌 And also a side note, I noticed a pattern that people tend to describe their first time mostly with their Mars sign traits. If it’s Cancer Mars, they felt really comfortable and it was probably with someone they really, really liked and had a crush on for a very long time. Virgo Mars could point that it might have been a quickie or you paused and had a second round. It could also mean that you first started with a hand job, oral. Taurus Mars could also mean your first time started with a blow job (Taurus rules throat). Like 8th house sign also comes into the consideration.

💙 Taurus Moon people love having a drink with them. They love a cup or glass in hands. Such as grabing a smoothie, a cup of coffee, tea or a matcha. It just comforts them.

💜 Pisces Venus looks really good in emerald green clothing.

🌌 I noticed that one MC that is really common among celebrities that almost never (or very rarely) receives hate is Taurus MC celebrities. Real life examples would be Emma Chamberlain, Selena Gomez, Emma Stone, Margot Robbie, Eddie Redmayne, Blake Lively, Gemma Arterton etc. These people are really, really loved by the public. Also sometimes Capricorn Venus or Venus in the 10th house, but not to the same extent as Taurus MC. They can’t do wrong in the public’s eye. It’s like it’s very NOT to like them.

💙 Virgo Lilith women enjoy wearing bows and ribbons in their hair.

💜 People with Gemini Descendant or Gemini over the 7th house often talk down on their own beauty. They might have really glowing skin, but would still say “Yeah, but it’s still not *perfect* looking skin”. Or they might point out more their “beauty/appearance quirks” (uneven teeth, frizzy hair etc.) just so that people don’t end up idealizing them too much or build expectations for them.

🌌 I noticed Capricorn Moons with time love more luxurious pieces, otherwise in younger years (before Saturn Return) they quite love rather cheap stuff.

💙If you have Gemini over the 7th house people can often question the character of your spouse, committed partner. If you have Gemini over the 4th house people can question your mother's character or that of your loved ones, close friends.

💜 Men with Libra Moon often feel threatened by beautiful, conventionally attractive women. However, they also have this deep need of satisfying perfect beauty so they often pick models as their partner or women that look well-balanced, harmonious and have striking physical features, which sometimes intimidates them even more.

🌌 Pluto in the 8th house people or Scorpio over the 8th house might have regrets if they quit a sport they were really passionate about. They have more guilt than others of not sticking with it.

💙 I can’t stress enough how important is for Cancer Moons and Moon in the 4th house to stay in touch with the things they grew up with. It soothes them the best and it really benefits their emotional and mental wellbeing. If you have this placements, watch movies or series you enjoyed when growing up, build a pillow fort, listen to top hits from that time that remind of childhood/teenage nostalgia.

💜 The public and people always want Virgo MC to leak that daily routine👀 Like people are so interested in how they spend their day and what their day-to-day life looks like.

🌌 Virgo Moon (but also Gemini Moon to a certain extent) can act very stingy in their home. They would keep the lights off just so that the electricity bill will be smaller.

💙 I noticed people that are the most consistent with daily work outs tend to have Capricorn Moon or Moon in the 10th house. Because they can detach from feelings, even when they don’t feel like working out.

💜 Leo Risings often end up doing a job, profession or have a career that doesn’t really feel like a regular job. It’s like one of their hobbies for them. They also are found in jobs where they entertain, not necessarily on stage, it can also be on a social media platform.

Credit goes to my Tumblr blog @astroismypassion

[kerubimcrepin]

An analysis of That One Moment from Wakfu OVA - Book 2, Ush

Technically, this post is a part 4 of my liveblog, but still...

Today we will be talking about the interaction that I am most mentally ill about in the entirety of Wakfu.

Before I go completely off the rails: I think it's cute that despite everything, Keke still cares a lot about Ecaflip and Ecaflipus, and Atcham still cares about killing people for wronging him.

Things have changed after six centuries, but they're still just themselves. Anyway.

There is so much happening here. SO much. Let me break it down point by point:

The most obvious one: by addressing them as kids, he pulls his "I am roleplaying as your father for these strangers who don't know anything about our weird familial situation, and you will obey me" card. This is important because:

Kerubim and Atcham know how much Joris cares about the Brotherhood of Tofu and their opinions of him, to the point of going a little bit crazy at the thought of offending Yugo and Adamai.

So, even if him pulling the "I'm your dad" card is a bit egocentric, they can't say anything about that openly — because Joris would be so, so sad if everyone in this room knew he lives with his dad for 600 years now. He'd be so mad too, because "papychaaa, chaaaoncle stop embarrassing me in front of my friends!"

We KNOW Kerubim cares about not embarrassing Joris — because in the Dofus MMO he won't shut the hell up about his 20-30 dead loved ones from 200 years ago, says a Singular Thing about Atcham, and absolutely nothing about his very much alive son/fake dad, at best managing a little "we all want someone small in our lives..."

In my opinion, while some families are built on mutual roasting, the Crepin-Jurgen household houses three people with very fragile senses of self-esteem, so anything resembling roasting is usually light, exclusive to when they're all alone, and never about things that they actually hate about themselves ("short, weird, ugly, hypocrite, weak, overthinker"; "ugly" (some bald jokes allowed, but it depends on the mood); and "narcissist who kept his son in a hazardous environment for the first 7 years of his life and gave him 30 mental illnesses").

Besides the fact that Keke and Atch care about Joris making friends, — for the three of them (but especially Joris and Atcham), feeling belittled is the easiest way to ruin a relationship irreparably. If you insult them, it's just over. And I don't mean it in a funny-haha cutesy way. Sometimes, people actually dislike when they are insulted repeatedly about something they legitimately hate about themselves, and, y'know, hate everyone who hurts them this way? And you will not believe it, but people who actually care about them know and respect that. Because they love them.

So yeah, the three of them are all creatures of pride, and they respect that about each other, — which is why would never put each other in a position where they might get laughed at. (like suddenly revealing the Dad Roleplay and "600 years of living with his dad" sort of interpersonal lore)

However, being creatures of pride, I don't think Kerubim and Atcham are happy about Joris doing this. Especially because of the next point: Joris uses his position as their roleplay-dad and Asocial Son/Nephew Who Needs To Impress His Friends to essentially force them to let him go into a battle alone. Essentially, this line is translated as "you have glass bones and paper skin. you can't follow me because I said so, and you can't protest without looking weird." into Normal Human Tongue.

Joris does this for a very simple reason: they are weak (though so is he), and he's scared — he loves them! It's normal that he doesn't want to see them be hurt! Even if they have multiple lives, but they're not infinite lives, and it doesn't make every time they die NOT scary and traumatizing! He wants Kerubim and Atcham to go and rest, and he's also excited that they're finally meeting his friends.

However, unlike them, he only has one life — and they hate to see him hurt just as much, if not more, considering how much more danger he's always in:

They would really rather not leave their p'tit Jojo Joris alone with things they know are dangerous, — like Ush, — while Joris is weakened. No matter how much he wants to fight Ush one-on-one.

So, they refuse and even joke about him in the most subtle and funny way: using his own little game to make fun of him, and completely refuse his offer of leaving to rest in Sadida Kingdom, — coupled with an overexaggerated little shrug, and rubbing their statuses as so-called "sons" and "father" in his face.

These three come up with very elaborate rituals to communicate things that take normal people like ten seconds.

[the-witch-of-one-piece]

Dia De Los Muertos 18+ Taiju Shiba x Fem Reader Halloween Collab: 31 days of Horror w/ @fuyuswifey Resident: @enchantedforest-network Masterlist WC:2.7k TW: Angst, N/sfw, death, illness, making out, Fingering, slight masturbation, Penetration, Taiju being rough, orgasm,pet names, breast sucking, hickies, creampie, suggestive language and suggestive them (unedited) MINORS DNI

“She is late again..” He looked at his watch as it was close to 6 o'clock. Sticking his hands in his pocket he took off of work early to celebrate something that meant something very special to you. He never celebrated something like this before. Taiju walked to the glass shelf in his living room where a photo of his mother was placed. Looking at the photo for a moment a sudden rush of memories from his childhood came to him. The way his mother smiled, how soft her voice was, or the way she made his favorite dishes. When she became sick he wouldn’t let anyone see his weak side trying to be strong for his parents and his younger siblings. As he saw his mother's illness becoming worse he was mentally preparing himself for the worse. In a matter of weeks, his mother was gone from his life. All the emotions he had in him were locked up and never released. He never spoke about how he felt when his mother passed to anyone. He was hard on himself and his siblings at a young age. His father constantly works endless hours to provide for him and his siblings. He had to be the man of the house and he had to admit he wasn't a pleasant teen, his hardcore demeanor and ego getting the best of him. They all had their issues of being a dysfunctional family that they overcame as they got older, and periodically they would check up on one another as they got older.

Taiju picked up the photo of his mother, walking back with it as he sat on the couch. Thinking about if she was still around things would have been different. But that was a dream that would never come true. He heard the door knob jiggle and turned his head to see you open the front door “Sorry I know I’m late but I went to the store before going home.” you placed the bags on the floor as you closed the door. 

Taiju saw the bright orange flowers along with a few other items. “You know it’s just me and you right? Are you expecting more people?”  he raised his brow looking at the items than you. “I know but all this stuff is necessary! Help me with the bag please?” giving him a smile. He placed a photo of his mother on the coffee table as he got up to help you with the bags. Taking them into the large dining room. You had a table that was empty you were going to use.  Taiju saw how you began to decorate the table placing items in certain areas making it look as aesthetic as possible. He had some idea of what  Dia De Los Muertos was and what it stood for but the little things with the flowers and the mass amount of them piqued his curiosity. “Why marigolds?” He picked up one of the orange flowers twirling it by the stem. 

“Marigolds are traditionally the flowers used for Dia De Los Muertos. When you pair them with just the right candle they say the spirits can find their way back into the living world to see their loved ones on this specific night.” plucking the flower from his hand “you can feel the presence when they arrive it's like a sudden rush of comfort. That’s how I could explain it.” Taiju, hearing you explain it, was a bit skeptical. You were more open with your feelings and emotions compared to him. The saying opposites attract applied to you both when you guys started to see each other. You tried to make him open up more but you didn’t want to push him too. He hardly talked about his family to you since you could tell it was a topic he wasn’t comfortable with. But all you knew was his mother passing at a young age, his father always working and him having two siblings younger than him. In your bag, you pulled out a photo frame. Taiju looked over your shoulder to see the photo of your parents. It was a photo of their wedding day. “My mom said this was one of the best days of her life, she was marrying her best friend,” you remembered your mother's words. Every time she looked at this photo she would say those same exact words every time. Taiju saw the smile on your face begin to fade the more you looked at the photo. “She is now reunited with the love of her life.”  you tried to shake off the sadness you were displaying hiding it with a smile. You placed their photo on the decorated table. “Do you have your mother's photo?” you asked him. “Yeah let me grab it.”  He walked back to the coffee table picking up his mother's photo and bringing it back to where you were. He placed her photo next to your parents. “Your mother is beautiful.” you looked at her photo. Taiju’s sister Yuzuha took a lot after her mother.  

“Thank you.” in his pocket he pulled out something that belonged to his mother, he kept it with him since he was a kid. It was a necklace she would often wear. She gave each of her kids something before her passing. “This necklace was given to my mother by my father when they first started to date.” He placed the necklace right next to her photo. He missed her, he wished he had her for a bit longer in his life. You grabbed the match as you began to light the candles next to their photos. “What memory do you have of your mother that is special to you?” you asked him. You tried to pry a bit to see if he would respond. He stood silent for a moment, you thought he wasn’t going to respond to your question. He let out a low sigh. In that time frame of you asking him the question he was thinking of one specific one. “I don’t know how old I was but I remember I didn’t want to go to school this was before she was sick.. She took Yuzuha and Hakkai to school and daycare. She ended up taking me to the Aquarium. It was empty in the Aquarium since it was a weekday with each exhibit in the Aquarium she would pronounce each fish in the tank and point them out….” he stopped for a moment then proceeded to speak “I remembered just being amazed she knew them all….she promised me she would do this again with me…..” he took a deep breath  “but then she got sick...”  his hands in his pocket as he looked at her photo then at you. You could sense that memory held a special moment for him. “Your mother would be proud of you Tai. You worked hard to get where you are for everything you have. You accomplished more than most people.” You reached for his hand. Taiju smirked, “Thanks, there is more I want to accomplish in my life but it will come later on…”

“You have your whole life planned out it seems.” you teased him. “Not all of it… There are some areas in my life that I’m still trying to figure out.” Taiju yellow orbs looked down at you. “Like what?” you blinked a few times. “Me and you, I'm still finding out so many things about you that I wasn’t aware of. Getting to know you more and more of you” he placed a strand of hair behind your ear. “Oh, Tai there is much more. You are just getting a taste of it.” you chuckled he gave a low smirk sound. “Hopefully you would do the same. I want to know more about you.”

“What do you want to know?” he asked. “I… I want to know how you feel at times or what you are thinking about….” doing a dry swallow before continuing to speak “I noticed you don’t really let your guard down even when we are alone. I’m not sure if you think it's some kind of weakness to do so, I don’t think it is.  We have been together for some time now and being a couple we should be open with one another. I want to continue growing our relationship strong where we can come to one another whenever.” “Is that what you want?” Taiju looked at you. “I do more than anything,” you responded with a bashful tone. “You will have to give me time on that… I can’t do it all at once with a snap of a finger.” He had to make that point clear. “But I will try.” his hand reaches the top of your head bringing you a bit closer, placing a kiss on the crown of your head. You had a bit of a relieved smile on your face. “Thank you, Tai.” A few moments passed before Taiju got a whiff of something he hadn't smelled since he was a kid. The perfume his mother used to wear. Something came over him that felt what you described earlier: it was comforting and relaxed his body. ‘She is here’  looking at his mother's photo. He wasn’t expecting her presence to be this strong. It hit him like a tidal wave. He closed his eyes and he got the image of his mother. He couldn’t hear what she was trying to say but he could read her lips. ‘I’m proud of you Taiju.’ his eyes shot open. It was becoming too much for him to handle all at once.  

You saw he looked a bit distressed “Taiju what's wrong?” you asked him. “I just… need some air, I’ll be back,” he said. He walked away towards the backyard.

You watched him head towards the backdoor. You assumed he felt his mother's presence. It would take him a moment for him to let it sink in. The cool brisk air hit him as he stepped outside. Lighting a cigarette to relax his nerves he kept replaying the image of his mother in his mind. All those years of blocking his emotions he couldn’t keep blocking this one. After the discussion he had with you that happened. “Fuck.. Is this your way of getting me to open up  to ______, Mom?” He looked at the sky as if he was waiting for a response from her. After about 30 minutes Taiju came back in, he took a seat in the living room. When you heard the back door closed you walked into the living room. “Tai? You okay?” you walked towards him. “I’m fine.” he looked at you, his hand was extended out to you, and he brought you to his lap. “What you said earlier... I felt it... I hadn’t felt her presence since the day she passed…it was a lot to handle…” “I see.. Tai, I know she is still watching over you even when you think she is not. You may not feel her all the time but she is there.” you gave him a soft smile, and your fingers ran through his hair.

He nodded “It gave me more conformations on what I want in my future.” he brought you closer to him. “What do you want?” asked him softly you looked into his eyes then his lips then back at his eyes. “You will have to stick around and find out.” Taiju’s hands rested on your hips. Both of you leaned as your lips met, you could taste the cigarette he smoked just a few minutes ago. Your arms drape around his neck as he pulls you closer to him, pressing you against his large chest. His tongue dominantly invaded your mouth. His hands roamed your body, his hands sliding up the hem of your dress touching your exposed soft skin. You nibbled on his bottom lip playfully would earned you a low groan coming from him, his hands found your panties pushing them to the side. “Such a good girl you are.” His large finger began rubbing between your damp folds. The moans spilled out of your mouth. “How does that feel? Do you want me to continue?” he spoke in a deep voice that was low. You nodded at his question. “I need to hear you say it. Come on, I know you can.” “Yes Tai~~~please continue~~~ mmmmmm” You were focused on his fingers. As he was making you squirm in his lap. You gripped his shoulders. The bulge began to form in his pants. You couldn’t help yourself as one of your hands began to rub his encaged cock. “Fuck.” he grunted as your hand continued to rub his clothed cock. “Tell me how bad do you want my cock deep inside you?” Taiju needed that bit of control at this moment as he slipped his finger into your wet cunt. “Shi~~~ mmm….” you couldn’t respond at that moment as his finger pumped into you. “Really bad Taijuuu~~~”  the moan lingers as you get to his name. “I want your cock in me~~~ please give it to me~~~” your glossy eyes looked into his. 

Hearing that desperation in your voice as you begged for his cock was more than enough for him. He slid his finger out from your moist warm cunt. He undid his pants letting his large thick cock out. The tip of his cock was damp due to the precum as you were rubbing him. You felt his tip rubbing against your pussy. Grazing against your throbbing clit. He continued to tease you for a moment. “I want you to look at me as my cock slides into that tight pussy of yours. You began to lower your hips as his cock began to penetrate you. “Don’t you dare close your eyes baby girl.” he let out a husky moan. You followed his orders as you kept your eyes on his. Your pussy was throbbing a bit as you were able to fully have him inside of you. It took you a moment to catch your breath. His hands rested on your hips as he began to help you move up and down his cock. 

“Taiju~~~” You moaned slightly, rocking your hips back and forth. 

Throwing his head back on the couch  “ Yes baby girl?” holding you steady. “Are you enjoying yourself?.” He pushed his pelvis up a bit more and he was pushing you down a bit harder. The slap of your skin began to fill the room. 

“Yes Taiju shit you're making me so wet,” your juices were sliding down his cock.

Taiju slid the traps of your dress down exposing your breast. He began to suck on your breast switching back and forth leaving hickies traveling up now to the neck leaving the same love bites. He loved leaving his mark on you. “Fuck I love you so much” his hand resting on the back of your head bring you to his lips as he began to kiss you hard. 

You couldn’t even say it back as his lips were dominating yours. The string of saliva broke you both separate from one another trying to catch your breath. Your forehead rested against his. “I love you Tai~~” 

“Say it again”  He moaned louder, moving you faster as he gripped your hips tighter. The intense sensation in his lower abdomen approached he wasn’t going to last much longer as the sweat trickled down his brow. You weren’t going to last much longer either.

“I - love you, Taiju Shiba.” You moaned the phrase over and over. Your body began to shake as the sudden rush of your orgasm approached. “Fuuuuccccckkkkkk!” 

The way your pussy constricted as your orgasm hit around his cock his hot seed shot in deep he pressed your hips down all the way on his cock as he let out a loud animal-like moan. He clenched his jaw tightly and poured every ounce of semen he had in his body into you. Only so much was able to fit into your cunt as some of it began to seep out from inside of you running down his own cock. Taiju's sudden rush was coming down his grip loosening on your hips. The look of satisfaction hitting his face as he his hand reaching for your chin brings you closer as placing a gentler kiss. 

Tags: @the-haitani-baton, @satanlovesusall666, @galactict3a, @ratlovecat, @niko-ash, @iluv-ace, @captainmycaptainn, @strawberrychrome, @missgab, @anxious-chick, @livefromraleigh, @kei-b-gurlll, @spookiisopium, @bontensbabygirl, @txna04, Interested in joining the taglist please fill out the form below to get a notification of your favorite characters when they are being posted! Link here ->taglist

[messed-up-little-driftwood]

let's talk about being mentally ill and living w the Driftwood/Firefly's cause I need the comfort (100% self indulgent):

Warnings: (mental illness depictions, mention of self-h4rm, mention of ED if you squint. gender neutral reader, lemme know if I missed any♡)

- Baby, who is actually really good abt it?? You've locked yourself in your room for the day? Well she's coming with you and you're having a Tim Burton marathon. Don't want to? That sucks; she's tying your ass down and peeling your eyelids open A Clockwork Orange style to force you to be distracted from your mind by discussing the Burton multi-verse with childish excitement. She's beside you in bed, hands on your arm, squeezing excitedly whenever she makes a connection, and even though you wish you could just sleep and disappear, her presence is impossible to ignore and be grumpy about.

- Not eating or refusing to???? Not in Mama's house you're not. She'll ziptie you to a chair and force-feed you your fav meal with the most loving, motherly care, mixed with a multitude of swearing like a trucker. If you refuse, get ready for the airplane: "vroom vroom motherfucker, open up" and "what, don't like the pasta?? here honey, have some pie instead" and "if you don't eat, I'm going to put Otis on feeding duty. and he will not be as patient as me".

- Self-harming?? NOPE, not on Tiny's watch. Tiny will lift you (he can. doesn't matter how big you are, he is bigger and stronger) to his room, sit you on the floor, and wordlessly drop crafting supplies and colouring pages on the floor. You're making a paper skeleton chain whether you like it or not with kiddie scissors that barely cut paper, and colouring with little washable markers that leave streaks. He'll pet your head too, to keep you focused should your mind get any alternative ideas. He'll also let you colour on him if you ask nicely:)

- You're curled up on the couch dissociating from the world? Rufus is a shit-disturber, and will start messing with you to bring you back. If you have long hair, he's pinching it between his fingers and pulling at it lightly. Sits in front of you and just. Stares. Until you're uncomfortable enough to say something rude, and then he's throwing you over his shoulder and yeeting your depressed ass in his truck for a ride. Maybe he'll stop at your fav food chain if he's in a good mood, while he makes you listen to some death metal band that's louder than the thoughts in your head and keeps you grounded. Definitely the type to call you 'little one'.

- In a non-verbal / nothing nice to say about yourself / 'don't talk to me or I'll bite you', mood? Otis is your boy. That's his state of being, and he also finds it relaxing when someone else is a spiteful grump like him; so he's more than happy to work on his artistry and have you listen to his musings and rambles. He'll like it even more if you vent a little (add fuel to the fire), and give him more juice to be angry at the world, increasing his motivation for his work. He's a fully grown angsty teenager — this man gets the rage, and enjoys your little venting sessions (and maybe you) even if he'd rather eat glass than say it out loud.

- Spaulding acts like nothing is any different. Little lighter on the teasing, but we know how he is, and he'll tell you to 'suck it up' and is outwardly brash and mean. BUT, he'll mess with Otis more and though he gets a kick out of it; it's a subtle way to give you even a small smile when Otis is all razzed up. Stirs the pot to cause drama like the meddler he is.

- Avoid Hugo at all costs. Will make things worse.

[angelsanarchy]

Glass Houses: Jack Thurlow x Y/N One-Shot Series PRT 30

Tagging:@roryculkinluvr@thatsthewrongwallcraig@icarus-star @cc-luvr @madamemaximoff06@shady-the-simp @quicksilversg1rl @s-0lar @kristennero-wallacewellsver@ophelialaufey @mayathepsychic1999 @x-prettyboy-x @rorylover71 @auggiethecreator@tempt-ress@blacksoul-27

Jack was nervous. He hadn't gone all out for a date...ever. Even when he was courting Cleo, he never found himself in a pressed dress shirt with a black vest lighting candles in the dining room. The house smelled great, the food turned out perfect. He set an alarm to take his meds which he did on time. He looked at himself in the mirror and debating on what he could possibly do with his hair but he knew he was just lucky to have it clean. He found himself nervously fiddling with the bouquet that he put together when he heard the soft knock on the door.

"Come in." Jack yelled hearing the door open and close.

"Wow...you clean up nice Thurlow." Y/n smiled at him as she looked him over. She was wearing a dress that fell just above her knee and moved with her body as she walked.

"Look who's talking." He swallowed trying to form words from how dry his throat just became.

"You look beautiful." He walked towards her and kissed her cheek. She laughed and nodded.

"I think anything is a step up from scrubs or pajamas you usually see me in." She walked towards the table seeing the candles.

"You really went all out. The candles, the flowers, Jack these are gorgeous." She looked at the bouquet.

"I don't want to brag but I did like 2 hours of research on the symbolism of flowers just to make this bouquet special just for you." He smirked.

She laughed as she started picking through the flowers and looking at him.

"Calla lilies symbolize magnificent beauty. Much like the Dahlia's that symbolize your dignity and elegance." She shook her head before touching the Iris'.

"Blue Iris symbolizes hope which is what I have for the daffodil's which symbolize new beginnings." Jack licked his bottom lip and she put her arms around his neck.

"The roses are pretty self explanatory." He added letting his hands fall to her waist.

"You're really trying to get laid tonight huh?" She teased making him blush.

"Seriously, this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you." She kissed his lips and he sighed into the kiss. He was so worried he had gone too corny with the flowers but he was wrong.

"I would offer you a drink but I can't really drink with my meds." She shook her head at him.

"I don't drink a lot myself because of mine either. Water works just fine." She followed him into the kitchen.

"So this is what it's like for two mentally ill people to date." Jack teased.

"I honestly couldn't say. I don't even remember the last time I was on a date." She admitted.

"I don't believe that. I've been here a while now and you're the most attractive person I've seen." Jack poured water in a glass for her and one for himself.

"You're about to find out how insanely boring I truly am so I hope you're prepared to be let down. I've been considering getting a cat to complete the trifecta." She smiled taking the glass.

"Hey once I'm cleared to get a dog we can be shut ins together." He joked.

"We should probably work on the whole shut in thing. We're too young to give up on social progress." Jack pulled her chair out for her and she sat.

"I wouldn't mind being social as long as you're with me." Jack sits down opposite her and smiles. The conversation seemed almost knowingly, like they had known each other for years and we're just two old friends catching up. He learned the Y/n liked to swim, paint and listen to oldies rock music. She learned that Jack was a big reader as well as writer, enjoyed classic black and white horror movies and cooking shows, which explained how what he cooked was so good.

They moved from the dining room to the living room and sat on the couch talking.

"Just by looking at you, I wouldn't have expected you would enjoy cooking so that's a nice surprise." Y/n smiled.

"Why is that? What's my look got to do with it?" Jack laughed looking at himself.

"You're what the internet refers to as babygirl stature. It's cute though." She teases him making him shake his head.

"Well I guess I have to start working out or something." Jack mocked offense and she gave him a playful shove.

"Shut up, you know you're hot." Y/n rolled her eyes at him. He smiled at her and drew circles on the skin of her knee.

"Yeah? Pretentious mentally afflicted makes you weak in the knees?" Jack tilted his head and she put her hand on top of his.

"Something like that." She teased moving his hand up her thigh and under her dress. Jack could feel the wetness on the front of her panties.

"Fuck...all this for me?" Jack asked curiously. He could feel her hips move just at the mere graze of his fingertips.

"Put dress clothes and homemade dinner on a menu and the hot, pretentious mentally afflicted guy gets you wet." He continued to tease her and she put her hand on his neck.

"No...just you Jack. You make me wet." She confirmed before pulling him towards her. She kissed him hard, gripping at the hair from the bottom of his skull making him groan. He pushed her panties to the side and let his fingers tease her clit. He couldn't believe she was already this turned on as he pushed two fingers into her cunt making her jaw slack.

"Oh fuck." She yanked his hair again and Jack leaned back to watch her face as he finger fucked her on the couch, her moaning and pulling on the sides of his vest like she was trying to brace for the impact of an orgasm.

"Does that feel good? You like when I fuck you like this?" Jack could feel how hard he was but he didn't want her to touch him. He wanted all the focus to be on her and her pleasure.

"Jack...fuck yes. Don't stop, please don't stop." She pleaded.

"I'm not going to stop, I want you to cum for me. I want to be the reason you cum." Jack explained trying to speed up his thrusts and still maintain pressure on her clit. He could feel a slight tightening around his hand and her moans got louder.

"Come on baby, cum for daddy." Jack whispered into her neck, biting down on the skin near her beauty mark. She let out a scream, gripping his hand but when she started whimpering, he started to slow the pace. He felt her legs shaking and watched her breasts heave in her dress, trying to catch her breath. Jack removed his fingers and licked them clean as Y/n laid, half on his lap, half on the couch with a shiver.

"Daddy?" She laughed.

"You came didn't you?" He blushed and she pulled him on top of her to kiss him. She could taste herself on his tongue and she deseperately wanted to return the favor but he declined.

"I wanted this night to be about you. Besides, I think if I undid the button on my pants I'll cum." Jack explained. She laid there with him on the couch for almost an hour, talking and enjoying the feeling of just being held by one another.

She looked over at the clock and saw what time it was.

"My mom has testing in the morning so if you text me and I don't respond, don't take it personally. I will let you know when I get the plans for our second date put together." She tucked his hair behind his ear and he smiled.

"Second date...so I did pretty good tonight." He boasted and she kissed him.

"You did perfectly." She sprinkled little kisses over his face and he smiled. She went home that night and text him how much fun she had and Jack felt like he had won some sort of award. He had never planned a date in his life but something about Y/n made him want to do better, be better.

He was also correct in assuming that undoing his button on his pants would make him cum. He would need to take these dress pants to the dry cleaners.

[patrickispinky]

Sex, Drugs, Etc.

pt.2

Warnings: Talk of drugs/Drug use. Possible smut in the future. SH. A lot of plot. EXTREME Canon divergence. Before Maddies time. Set in 2021. Almost panic attack. This is NOT meant to romanticize addiction or mental illness.

2.4k words

Enjoy :)

Pt.1

-

It was like any other Friday night. A crowded living room filled with loud teenagers, music so loud your brain went numb, the strong scent of booze and grass filling the air, kids pissing on the carpet and throwing up in the backyard, the perfect party… well almost perfect. There was something missing, something no amount of alcohol or smelly plants could fill. 

Your head was spinning, not from the shots of vodka some girl you just met brought you, but from the people. Parties were supposed to be fun, a chance to drink and dance but the overwhelming crowd left you short of breath. No one forced you to show up, hell you weren't even invited, but you’d take any chance to get out of the house. 

“Hey I’ll be right back” You say to the random blond girl, not giving her enough time to respond before you walk away. Weaving through the drunk teens to get to the back door, you frantically fiddle with the handle, air becoming something almost non-existent. Swinging the door open you step outside, taking deep breaths of air. To anyone walking by it just looked like you were calming yourself down from a bad trip.

“Hey you alright?” The sound of a familiar voice fills your ears. “You look like you've seen a ghost” (I'm so funny) It was Josh, you’d buy weed from him sometimes, though you haven't really talked outside of small talk to make your interactions feel less illegal.  

“Um yeah. I'm great.” Your breath was still ragged, words coming out rushed despite how hard you tried to make them sound casual. 

“Come on, sit down” He grabs you by the shoulder gently, leading you to a coach that had been pulled out into the backyard. A chick with black hair sitting on the far end of it and a dude passed out on the ground in front of it. You sit down awkwardly, Josh comes over and sits between you and the girl, holding two beers and hands you one. 

"Thanks" You take the beer, your original plan of getting some air and going home ruined. 

"You're a little young to be here, aren't you?" This is the first time anyone has questioned you on your age. Normally they'd give you a weird look but leave you alone. 

"I'm old enough for you to sell me bud." He let out a little laugh, 14 was probably too young to be drinking and partying but who's gonna stop you? 

"Got me there" He takes a sip out of the glass bottle. "You don't look like you're having fun." 

“Not really” The only fun thing about parties was getting too drunk to even remember where you are, something you didn’t get the chance to do. 

“You know I'm in a good mood, I got something for you.” He reaches into his pocket, holding out his hand waiting. You look at him confused and after a few seconds he rolls his eyes, but his smile grows. “Go on, take it.” You reluctantly put up your hand for him to drop whatever he has into it. When he does you realize what it is, a little pill. 

“What is this?” The confusion is clear on your face, never having shown any interest in taking pills before.

“Its percocet, 10 milligrams.” You recognize the name, your grandma used to take them. What you didn't understand was why he was handing you a pain pill. 

“Oh um, I don't have any money.” Which wasn’t a lie, but also a good excuse to get out of this awkward situation. He laughs again, clearly high out of his mind and way too friendly. 

���Don’t worry about it, it's on the house.” Now that was what really concerned you, taking a free pill from someone who you barely knew sounded like a death sentence. “You look like you need it.” The girl sitting next to him scoffed. “Since when are you interested in giving out free shit?” She clearly wasn't in as good of a mood as he was. 

“Come on Gina, the poor girl looked like she was gonna pass out earlier.” That doesn't help with the bitter look that grows on her face.

“Oh so your girlfriend has to pay but you'll give it out to this random kid?” The tone of her voice clearly pissed off, to be fair it was kinda fucked up. 

“Gina-” She doesn't give him a chance to speak before getting up and walking away, mumbling to herself. You sit there awkwardly, pill still in your hand. 

“Should you like, go after her?” Wanting to get up and walk away too, not knowing what to do after accidentally being involved in a potential break up. 

“Nah, she’ll be fine.” He seemed calm, not worried at all at the fact that his girlfriend just stormed out on him. Maybe this was a normal occurrence, either way you decided it's none of your business and opted not to ask any more questions. 

“So what do I do with this?” You gesture to the hand with the pill in it. This was probably in the top 10 most confused you’ve ever been in your life. No one has ever handed you a random pill before. 

“Take it?” He looked at you like you were dumb, like this was the most normal thing in existence. 

“I don’t- I don’t think that's the best idea.” It wasn't the idea of taking a perc that scared you, it was the fact that he could have easily been lying. You’d seen enough true crime to know that this is how you end up on the news. “Here” You hold up the pill, trying to hand it back to him. “It's late, I should head home.” 

“Keep it, I got plenty.” You give him a small nod, sliding the pill into your pocket as you stand up, looking down at the guy passed out on the ground. 

“Uh-” You were gonna ask if he was okay but decided not to, looking back at Josh. “Have a good night.” He ghost (hehe) cheers his beer at you as you walk away, going home confused. 

(“1 fish, 2 fish, this flashbacks been too long bitch” - My Brother, 2024) 

The sound of the final bell rings as you head to the gym where Mr.Martin was planning for tomorrow's movie night. You open the door and see him writing in a notebook as he sits on the edge of the stage. He looks up noticing you as he slides down onto his feet. “Hey, is that your obituary?” He points down to the folder in your hand, a sickeningly sweet smile on his face that feels somewhat intimidating.  

“Yeah, Wally helped me write it.” You hand him it, watching him open it, eyes gazing over the pages. A smile still on his face as he closes it.

“I figured he would, he's such a little helper.” He puts the folder on the stage beside him. “I will sit down and read that later, but for now how are you feeling?” Like shit, but you couldn’t tell him that.

“Great actually, I think this helped.” If anything it made the hunger worse, apparently even death couldn't silence the craving. You made the fake smile on your face look as convincing as possible. 

“Any plans for today?” Another attempt at getting you to talk to the others. He's already suggested several ‘bonding activities’ in the two days you’ve been here. 

“Yeah actually.” The way his face lit up like a christmas tree was almost comical. “Wallys gonna teach me how to swim later.” 

“Oh well, isn't that lovely?” Something about the old fashioned way he talked reminded you of your grandpa. The familiarity brings an odd sense of comfort. 

“I should probably um-” You gesture to the door on the other side of the gym, hands in the pocket of your hoodie, a habit you picked up to keep you from picking at the delicate skin that covers them. 

“Yeah, go on. Have fun.” He waves you off, smile turning more cheesy like a supportive father watching his daughter leave for her first date.

“Okay, great” You turn awkwardly, making your way out.

“I expect to see you tomorrow.” He yells as you're halfway across the gym.

“Of course.” You yell back without turning around. Reaching the door you step out, entering the now empty halls. You weren't supposed to meet up with Wally until later but needing some alone time you opted for the library where you spent most of your day already. A quiet place where you can escape your own thoughts with a simple little book. 

Going the same route you did earlier, except you were alone this time. Something about the quiet school halls felt almost uncanny, somewhat unnatural. You attempt to brush off the uneasy feeling as you reach the library. It was one of your favorite places in the school during your life other than the old locker rooms, but that wasn't really an option anymore. 

The cool air hits your face as you open the door, the sweet librarian Gilinda always kept the ac on specifically for you. Kinda funny to think about the fact that she doesn't even know you're gone, nobody does, how the hell has nobody noticed? I mean isnt it fucking obvious? Do they even care? The silent tear dripping down your cheek snaps you out of thought, rubbing it away with your sleeve quickly. Emotions were always so weird, feelings were something you always tried to hide away into the farthest parts of your mind, leaving you completely and utterly numb. It was the safest option. 

You made your way into the fantasy section, easy and simple. You look around for a little bit before one catches your eye ‘Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children’ A token you had read years ago. The graphic story probably wasn’t appropriate for your 12 year old self but something about it sparked something within you. (Ooooh so edgy) There was this little corner you always sat in, it was quiet and not a lot of people came near it, not that it really mattered considering the library was empty but it was your little spot. 

It had been a while since you got to sit down and read a book, your brain being either too wired or too relaxed to concentrate so this was a good feeling. A simple little book, in a simple little corner, in a simple little weird ass situation. What a fucking life… well death. 

The spine was worn down from years of being passed around by different messy highschoolers, pages somewhat torn, leaving the sweet smell of old paper. You read through the first chapter, then the second, then the third, until you forgot about the world around you. Completely immersed in the weird fucked up tale. It was like time didn't exist, nothing did except the little images you created in your mind. It was the only way of escaping, forgetting about life, about death, about cravings, descending into a different world like nothing else matters. It wasn't until you reached the last page that you realized how late it was, though you didn't feel tired. It was like the times you did adderall, nothing could put you to bed. 

“Oh shit” You whispered quietly to yourself when you realized you were only supposed to be there for an hour, your plans with Wally had been completely forgotten about. You stand up, rushing out the library, not bothering putting the book back where it belongs. The halls were dark, no light from the windows filling them, you didn’t know what time it was, just that it was late and way past when you were supposed to meet up. What a great first impression. 

You made your way to the pool room only to find it empty. Of course it was, no one in their right mind would wait hours for someone they didn't even really know. Well this was shitty, he probably thinks you're a total asshole. Who could blame him? He spent his entire afternoon helping you write your obituary and you accidentally blew him off. Asshole behavior. 

It's not like you could find him and apologize, he was probably asleep right now. Something Mr.Martin had advised you to do when you first got here. It was probably a good idea. You couldn’t remember the last time you had a good sleep, normally getting woken up by nightmares or stomach pain. A side effect of pills that they fail to mention. 

You doubted that there were any empty couches, but Mr.Figueroa always kept blankets in his classroom in case someone got cold. His classroom was just down the hall, one of your favorite places to be during c block. He always let you hang out in there even if you were supposed to be in class. The door was locked, but if there was one thing you learned at this school it was that all you had to do was slide your id through the crack and it would pop right open, an important life skill. Charley was sleeping peacefully on the little couch in the corner of the room. You were careful not to wake him as you snuck over to the closet. It was filled with board games and little props he’d use  to teach, at the bottom was a pile of folded up blankets. A fuzzy gray one at the top that you always used, it even smelled like you. 

As you made your way out the classroom, blanket in hand, you tried to figure out where you were going. That's when you saw her, a red haired girl sleeping on top of the lockers. You’d seen her before but never introduced yourself since she wasn't in group. It wasn’t a bad idea, seemed peaceful. You walked down into a different hall, not knowing if there was sleeping territory. It was probably the safest option to go where your locker was. 

It wasn't too high up, a little hard to climb but you managed. The medal was a little cold and you didn’t have a place to rest your head so you took your hoodie off, scrunching it up so you could use it as a makeshift pillow. It wasn't the most comfortable option but it would have to do for now, at least until you fingered out the rules of the afterlife.

(Had to conjure up my inner edgy teenage self for this one, and yes the flash back did in fact happen to me. It was really awkward)

[foulbearobservation]

Ok, hear me out…

The piece of divinium in Cam’s neck is not just some random chunk of tarask bone. Chucking a sliver of tarask into somebody’s spinal cord would kill them; you need something still a tad human for it to work. It’s a piece of Lilith. Don’t ask me where Eurotrash Jesus got it, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that it’s Lilith penetrating Cam and fusing with her so the are inexorably connected forever and ever. Lilith speaking directly into Cam’s mind and firing all her nerve endings ecstasy of st. Teresa style.

(Lilith is all angsty about Cam not being able to consent/say no and Cam is just holy fuck do that again and I really need you to validate my madness on this one, please and thanks.)

This inspired smthn within me idk dude

On some level, Camila knows that The Bastard's Cross (capital T capital B capital C, all very important parts of her compartmentalization strategy) in her neck is connected to Lilith. She can always feel the other woman behind her, lurking like a shadow at the end of the hall.

Well. She usually can feel the other woman lurking like a living shadow. Right now she feels nothing.

Once upon a time she would be relieved, but that was then and this is now.

The phone in her hand buzzes, outgoing call to Lilith remaining unanswered.

"Come on, come on, pick up." She mutters, thumbnail worried between her teeth.

The line goes dead.

Lilith is probably fine, most of these FBC safehouses aren't a real challenge for a trained fighter much less a trained,,, Lilith.

She reaches her hand behind her neck, finding The Bastard's Cross on instinct alone. She presses down on it like you would a bruise, expecting a flash of pain.

Instead she gets an exasperated Lilith saying "could you stop yelling at me?"

Camila jumps up, knife in hand and back to the wall before her brain processes the stimuli fully.

Her room is still empty, window still cracked just slightly to let the nighttime breeze in. There's no smell of burnt glass that Lilith often brings with her, there's just Camila, The Cross, and the still night air.

"What the hell?" She breathes out.

"Aren't you still a nun?" Lilith's voice responds, rumbling comfortingly at the back of her neck. Camila was loath to admit it when she was being trained by the Lilith years ago, but her voice was endlessly calming in its steady, even affect.

"I—" Camila crosses herself, "it's complicated. Where are you?"

"The snake pit that is the FBC house you sent me to, obviously? They had a divinium reinforced door, interesting design, very brutalist." A slight pause, Camila imagines Lilith leaning against a wall, trying too hard to look cool. The mental picture is endlessly charming nonetheless. "Why were you yelling at me inside my own head?" Lilith asks.

Camila takes three centering breaths as she calms herself down. "I couldn't feel you, I was worried." The faint scent of cigarette smoke tickles her nose. "Stop smoking, it's bad for your health."

An indignant noise from Lilith. "How did you? Jesus, nevermind." Another slight pause, the smell of smoke goes away, replaced by a phantom heat at her fingertips. "I crushed it, happy?"

"I'd be happier if we had this conversation in person." Camila admits, softly.

"I have to wait for Sister Ruth to get here so she can take care of cleanup." Lilith's voice pitches down to a whisper and it tickles the back of Camila's head in a way that sends shivers down her spine. "You sound quite eager for me to get back."

"I—" Camila crosses herself again, old habits dying hard, "I am."

She feels more than she hears Lilith's shaky exhale. "Soon."

Soon turns into approximately three hours and fourty-seven minutes, not that she's counting.

She's on her third cup of coffee for the day, on her way back from the kitchen when The Cross tingles with adrenaline.

Lilith is behind her in an instant, the smell of burnt glass hanging off of her like an ill fitted jacket. Camila doesn't have time to turn around before Lilith's hand finds a home on the back of her neck.

Camila can't help the involuntary moan that slips out as soon as Lilith makes contact with The Cross. A small spark of blue light shines in the hallway, throwing their shadows into stark contrast.

Camila claps a hand in front of her mouth and moves away from Lilith, the other woman lets her go.

When she gathers herself and turns around, Lilith's expression is guarded, but curious. She allows Camila to pull her down the hall and into her room.

There they separate, Lilith by the door as if she would need it to make a quick exit and Camila awkwardly hovering in the middle of the room.

Silence stretches languidly before Camila exhales one quick breath. "Oh for the love of—" and lunges forward, pulling Lilith into a kiss by her lapels.

Lilith doesn't respond immediately and Camila is about to apologize when it seems the other woman's brain catches up with her, wrapping an arm around Camila's lower back and one tentatively on her neck. She tastes like gunpowder and nicotine and this is so so bad for so many reasons but Camila can think of none of them as she whispers "do it again, please."

[looselipssinkships-x]

fall out boy lyrics that make me think of the places i grew up

this town is wasted and alone -- death valley -- when i visit, if I'm lucky i get to drive around, and the nothingness is crushing. You go to school, you graduate, if you're upper or middle class you go to college, probably the local one an hour away. You have to drive an hour to get to the good grocery store, twenty minutes to the shitty one. You marry your high school sweetheart, or someone you met in college, you settle down and have kids. You have at least one family member who works for a company you're pretty sure is still just a factory, even though they have fancier names for it now. I look out the window of my parents' house and i can barely see the neighbors' house.

you were the last good thing about this part of town -- grand theft autumn/where is your boy -- i left my best friend in the city i moved from and god i miss her so fucking much. Every time i visit it's like we were never apart. Every time i leave we both wonder if we'd have made it had i not moved away.

i can't remember the good old days -- 27 -- your parents' house is supposed to feel like being a kid, running around carefree. I have not lived with my parents for eight years but every time i visit i wake up with that same chest crushing anxiety and it does not go away. Even when i get back out east it takes me days to feel like a person again.

every pane of glass that your pebbles tap/negates the pains I went through to avoid you/and every little pat on the shoulder for attention/fails to mention I still hate you -- chicago is so two years ago -- i did not visit for almost two years, and then only did so because my grandmother was dying. Had she not been, it would have likely been so much longer. I spent those two years hating that small town, because i thought if i hated it i wouldn't miss it, and it all hurt so much that it wasn't hard to try to hate it. (that didn't work, because even though it hurt, it was still home)

I know I should be home/all the colors of the street signs, they remind me of the/pickup truck out in front of your neighbor's house -- chicago is so two years ago -- it's the little things that get me, the parts that weren't so bad, the parts that were even good, the parts that killed me to leave behind. The first dance class i took out east i sobbed the entire two mile walk home.

whoa, can't do it by myself -- reinventing the wheel to run myself over -- this one gets me because every time everything just feels like too much, it's amplified by the fact that i did this to myself, i chose to move away from everyone and everything i ever knew, and it's therefore my responsibility to indeed, do it by myself

we're the kids who feel like dead ends//and the poets are just kids who didn't make it -- i've got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth (summer song) -- literally all of my friends from home don't quite fit the midwestern mold, and we're all mentally ill creative types. We're in our mid twenties now and have felt like burn outs for years

I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light -- sophomore slump or comeback of the year -- the same best friend from earlier. I worry the small town is crushing her and she's so, so bright.

the best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize two out of three ain't bad -- i'm like a lawyer with the way i'm always trying to get you off (me & you) -- you make sacrifices to survive. Mental, emotional, physical, everyone's sacrificing something just to make it through.

it's all a game of this or that, now versus then/better off against worse for wear/and you're someone who knows someone who knows someone/I once knew, and I just want to be a part of this -- hum hallelujah -- the duality of living in such a small town where everyone knows everyone and still feeling like you have no place to belong

literally all of g.i.n.a.s.f.s. but especially: everybody wants to drive on through the night if it's a drive back home//things aren't the same anymore, some nights, they get so bad//i sleep with your old shirts and walk through this house//it's a strange way of saying that I know I'm supposed to love you, I'm supposed to love you//I've already given up on myself twice third time is the charm//threw caution to the wind, but I've got a lousy arm -- ioh was my first fob cd, and i listened to it on repeat the summer i spent commuting from my parents house to the hospital in the city to camp until i finally got an apartment. This was also the year i spent coming out to myself, terrified of the future and expectations i knew I'd never meet. I was also in love with one of my best friends and god it hurts so much for your first love to feel so wrong

I will never end up like him/behind my back, I already am -- headfirst slide into cooperstown on a bad bet -- when i first moved to the east coast i swore I'd assimilate and no one would know where i came from, but the second I'd open my mouth it would be "oh what part of the midwest are you from?" Over time I've learned to make peace with the parts of myself that are so unavoidably rural and midwestern, but there were parts i resented for a long time, because it felt like I'd never be free from where i grew up

I don't know where I'm going/but I don't think I'm coming home -- alone together -- i remember driving home from a college course i was taking my senior year of high school and just, dreaming of driving on, starting somewhere new

and in the end/i'll do it all again -- the kids aren't alright -- if things had been different, if i'd grown up differently, i wouldn't be who i am today. Also i almost got these lyrics tattooed on my thigh. Still might tbh

you were the sunshine of my lifetime/what would you trade the pain for?//and I just about snapped, don't look back//what would you trade the pain for? I'm not sure -- love from the other side -- leaving was, and is, so goddamn hard. Every time i visit my best friend, my grandparents, i have to remind myself why i left, and why i can't go back, and so much of that focuses on looking forward because if i look at the past too much i begin to romanticize the pain

scar crossed lovers, forever -- heaven, iowa -- i am so inexplicably, irreversibly bound to the people i grew up with like some sort of fucked up trauma bonding. Out here on the east coast, in the cities, it's just different. Even people who grew up east coast "rural," it's not the same. It's strong with friends from the city i moved from and even stronger with my friend who grew up in the same county.

[alittlebitofrainbyyourside]

There's a study that basically says that the happiest relationships are those where both people in the party think that their partner is a better person than their partner views themselves to be.

Not 'when each party thinks the other person is better than they themselves are' but specifically looking at like, our perceptions of ourselves and how that interacts with relationships.

And.. ya know. Yeah.

I think my wife is hot shit. I think syn is amazing, my wife could pull way better than me.

My wife is an almost 6 foot tall they/she with a PhD, who weight lifts and is kind as hell. They are patient, she's an amazing cook, she's smart and funny and has the biggest tits I've ever been blessed to stim with. Body like an hour glass, former kink model, amazingly sweet and soft sadist. My wife is simply amazing in every single way and I think everyone should be jealous they don't have a Syn.

On the other hand, I'm a menace to society. I am in most cases, the most mentally ill person in any physical room I operate in. That's not a weird flex. it's just... true. My physical health conditions + the hours I work mean I don't help out enough around the house. I refuse to work less. Not offering to work more physically pains me more than working more hurts me. I struggle with basic human connection and am prone to lecturing everyone around me. I talk like I swallowed a psychology and sociology textbook. I'm a giant asshole with a chip on my shoulder surrounding care work and activism. I do not cook. My DID and how it works means I often flinch back even from my wife, and if I'm not flinching there is still a huge chance I will audibly gag and make faces if they try to kiss me because ew- kissing is gross.

But that's not how Syn views me. And I can accept that. I might think she's fucking crazy for it, but she loves me. They think I'm smart and funny and okay, a little quirky. My wife thinks I'm really compassionate and likes that I consider all the sides of issues instead of finding me infuriating. For reasons beyond my comprehension, they also think I'm hot. Baffling. My wife considers it an honor that even though all of my brain pieces don't necessarily like, want to be in an adult relationship- that they all trust her enough to come home. Syn thinks I'm a hard worker and appreciates that it means something to me to be able to make a difference in other people's lives.

And I know that previously Syn has had a lot of anxiety in relationships regarding their autism and not picking up on cues. I know that they have feelings about the fact that there are people who have found them annoying and standoffish. That they're aware that a lot of people have problems with how long it takes them to acclimate to the idea of change. Who have gotten annoyed at them for talking about their special interests too much. I know they have anxiety about their physical health disabilities and not being able to work enough/being seen as a burden because of that.

Things that like.. categorically don't bother me/ aren't how I see them.

And I dunno. There's advice I could give about being even more in love and happy at 5 years of marriage than we were that first year. But I think the research is right.

You want a partner who sees a better version of yourself than you see, and you want to see a better version of your partner than they see.

You want to see and believe the best in each other. Not in a 'they have potential' way but in a 'they are already enough' way.

[narzissenkreuz-ordo]

neuvillette/silvanus sounds so cute, the post about him looking after her while sick gave me the mental image of a two hour bedside water tasting session complete with neuvi info dumping on each glass of water (ploy to get silvanus to drink water)

do you have an opinion on neuvi/wrio/oc, for example with silvanus since you already ship neuvi/silvanus and wrio/neuvillette

FJDKFJDKFDS WATER DATING DATE BEFORE THEY EVEN DATE.... 2 hours of silvanus displeased over having to drink water and is starting to get suspicious of him coming to see her so often since he probably has work to do but she doesnt KNOW since everyone is keeping a blackout on any relevant work related things so she doesnt try to micromanage everything when shes supposed to be resting

this ask is making think of the timeline that leads up to their super secret office romance:

silvanus already has a chronic illness and gets sick from exhaustion/over working/poor nutrition and has to be bedridden for at least a month

everyone rotates around to make sure shes doing ok through out the day (sigewinne comes up from the fortress every few days to check on her symptoms and wrio tags along, navia is there the most to make sure shes actually eating and taking any meds, clorinde fills in any gaps, and neuvillette only comes a long a few times with clorinde)

neuvi with his autism lizard brain doesn't know how to handle the situation at all, its been raining this whole time since he feel so fuckin guilty that he didnt know anything was wrong this whole time

but one morning he's the only one free so he has to go ALONE and its very awkward at first because he doesnt know how to navigate any of this and silvanus is like oh my god why is my boss in my house what the fuck

i have to think abt it more but during that first visit silvanus is able to connect the dots abt him being the hydro dragon and he doesnt deny it

then he keeps showing up more and more (he's volunteering to go when he can not doesnt let silvie know) and the two become more comfortable around each other and water tasting 'date' happens

they both realize at the same time have mutual feelings between then but neuvi says he needs some time to think abt it all and his position and is literally like 'i will get back to you between 7 and 10 business days'

i have idea for first date but its cringe so it lives in my brain for now

I DO SHIP WRIO/SILVANUS TOO i just dont know how to fit the 3 of them together nothing feels right. yet jfkdlsfjkdls

[az-cain]

I’m Sorry. I’m Sorry. I’m Sorry.

Jake Seresin ≈ 800 words

This is based entirely on my experiences with PTSD, which is from CSA not war or grief. My apologies if it’s inaccurate to your experiences, but please do not invalidate my own.

TW FOR: First person descriptions of PTSD, descriptions of dead bodies, delusion related to PTSD, self-hatred, alcoholism as a coping mechanism, denial of PTSD/mental illness

@tgm-all4one

Fire. The world’s engulfed in fire. Stench. The world smells like your burning flesh, scorching metal and glass. The oil of the F-14 burns on top of the water, the blue water turning black. The fuselage is floating, bodies glaring in the afternoon light. Your brown eyes stare at the sky, Captain Mitchell’s eyes obscured by bloody water.

Tears. I feel hot tears streak down my face as I hover in the rescue heli. They’re striking my visor. I can’t see. Stop crying. Stop crying. Men don’t cry. Stop crying. It’s part of the job. Stop crying.

Echoes. The echoes of Bradshaw’s words fill my ears. The only place you're going to lead anyone is an early grave; the only place you're going to lead anyone is an early grave; the only place—

The bed’s so cold. I should be used to waking up like this, but I’m not. The sheets are wet with my sweat, so I’ll dry my eyes and rise stiffly from the bed, stripping the sheets and walking to the laundry room.

—

It’s consuming me. Maybe Bradshaw’s killed himself. Maybe I wasn’t able to save him. Not in any way that mattered.

No. He’s alive.

But what if he isn’t?

He’s fine.

No he isn’t.

He’s dead.

Fuck, he’s dead.

Fuck, tears are running down my face. I’m sorry, Bradshaw. I wanted to save you.

I know you’re hurting too. I know you wish you’d died back then. You’d be with your family. I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have saved you.

Fuck, my phone is in my hand. His number is pulled up and ringing.

Fuck, he picked up.

“Hey.”

Oh. He’s alive. Don’t say anything. Maybe he’ll think it was a butt dial. God, I wanna say something.

“Hangman?”

“Don’t call me that.” Shit. I don’t wanna be Hangman. I’m Jake, let me be Jake. Let me be Jake.

“Oh. Okay. Seresin. What’s up?”

I was convinced you’d killed yourself. I don’t know if I made the right choice saving you. It got me disciplined. No, that’s not why. Fuck. It was worth it, but do you think so? Do you want to live?

“I’m just checking in on you. Difficult day today, anniversary and all, you know?”

“Yeah.” You swallow so loudly. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to stress you out. “It’s definitely been that. And you? Was it hard for you?”

God yes. It was so hard. I haven’t stopped crying all day. My throat hurts. My eyes hurt. My heart hurts.

“Not too bad. I wasn’t the one who almost died, I was mostly just concerned for you.”

“Oh. Well yeah, but you took someone else’s life that day. I’d get it if you were a little stressed.”

Yeah. I did. My second person I’ve murdered. That pilot had a family. Neither of you did. Maybe they should have lived. You two could have died and not been missed so dearly. But I would have missed you. God, I’m so selfish. I’m sorry.

“I’m alright. Just making sure you’re alright.”

“Yeah, Seresin. I’ll make it.”

“Good. Have a good night, Bradshaw.”

“You, too.”

—

This stupid fucking bottle is empty. I didn’t drink it all. I took a glass last night. I know this is a problem. My throat hurts. All the lights are on in the house. I’m scared of the dark again. I can see everything so clearly. My eyes hurt. Fuck. I can't see anything.

I need to vomit. I can't walk. The bathroom is so far away. Oh. I have a trash can. It’s closer. I stumble towards it, falling onto my knees with a groan. Dammit. I’m so useless. Why am I still sobbing? I’m good for nothing, a sissy. They all made it out, you fucking moron. Everyone’s fine but you. Come on. Come on. Come on.

I hurl into the trash can. It tastes really bad. Like stomach acid and whiskey, because that’s pretty much all that’s in it. I think I should lay down. So I will. I’ll lay down right here and sleep.

—

The sun hurts my eyes. The kitchen window is letting too much light in. I wonder what time it is. Usually the light doesn’t come through this window until about noon. I’m trying to cover my eyes, but they still hurt as I look at the clock. 1300. It’s late. I had a date this morning.

Too bad, I guess. Good for nothing.

I should call her. Apologize. Or maybe the military therapist. Apologize. Nah. I’ll be fine. I’ll deal with it on my own.

At least there were no nightmares tonight.

[hisinfernalmajesty666]

If you're reading this, yes you, I just want you to know that I would've built a deck for you. I would have dug a pond for you and filled it with beautiful koi. I would create a garden fit for a goddess, with a space under our pomegranate tree for you to read on cool summer evenings. I would have installed a bay window for you, and a stained glass window, too. I would have turned our house, into a home. Our home. With your own beautiful library. We would of had two crazy corgis running around the house, providing us endless love and entertainment. And you, I hope would have given me, given us the greatest gift of all, our beautiful children. But, if that wasn't in the cards, then that would be okay. You wouldn't be unloved by me, or treated any differently. You would always be my love, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer. Because you are my soulmate, my other half, the better half. The half that completes me and makes me happy, makes me a better person and above all makes me love life. You are the woman I want to marry, whether in a church (and all the things that would require me to do) or at the beach or in a forest. Hell, I would marry you anywhere because no matter what location, being able to call you my wife is everything. My dear, you must know you are beloved, always. I love you.

But, as real as I, and I think you want this to be, it is just a dream. It's not reality. You chose another reality, and whether you're happy or sad, you have to live with that decision, as I am living with it, too. It is a terrible feeling, like a million stab wounds to the heart, but it's a pain I have to endure. You don't have to endure that pain. You can and I hope you will make the life you have a lot better. You deserve a lot more than what you've been dealt in life. But only you can change that. Only you can go and make it better. It starts by believing in yourself and loving yourself. You can do it and I'm proud of you. But should you ever change your mind, and you want to make it a reality, I will be ready for you to fall into my arms, with a loving embrace and endless kisses. I will be ready to take your hand and give you the life you want and deserve. The story can resume, but it has to be wanted by you. Until then, I can't dream. I can't spend time with you, I can't continue to be hurt by you and your actions. It is making me mentally ill, as you have seen with some of my actions. I have stooped to depths I never wanted to and never want to go to again.

You are my home, but I'm not allowed inside. You hide things from me, and that creates paranoia and mistrust. Honesty is everything, especially when you love someone. Your home is in my heart, you're safe and warm and loved there. You're not abandoned. Because I want to be there, but am prevented from doing so. This heart is yours for a long as you want it. There will never be anyone else. For as long as I'm alive, I will wait for you. And if that day never comes, I won't feel like I've wasted a life because I will wake up every day knowing that I love you. And I don't think that's a waste of time, or a burden. You're not a burden, but you need to work on things. You can't just accept this is who you are, you're better than that and you know it. Please take care of yourself, your mind, your heart, your soul and your body. I know I would take care of them all, but I cannot do so. It's up to you to do that. That's not to say you're not lovable as you are because I love you so dearly I cry everyday. I cry because you're not in my arms, because i am not kissing you, I am not making dinner to you or reading to you. I want you and I desire you, unconditionally. I need your sunshine and your rain.

I am not well, myself. I'm having a real tough time mentally, and yes, it's because of you. But that's not to say I'm laying the blame at your door. I don't want you feeling guilty or hurting yourself. Your porcelain skin is too beautiful to ever harm. You must love all facets of your body, because it is beautiful. Your goddamn ocean eyes, your cheeks, your lips. Perfect breasts, kissable tummy and the softest thighs. I'll stop there cause you know what I want to say next. Because you know me. Your body loves you, it fights for you every day. All your organs fight to keep you alive. Fight for them too. I am doing my best to fight for my life. Promise me you'll do the same. Keep that softness in your heart and soul. If you lose that I fear the world has lost its softness. Because the world will be a worse place without that soft love.

Please fight for what you want. Don't settle. You have hobbies and interests you deserve to have explored. Go hiking, go to a museum, go camping. Watch a play, explore new cities, see a new point of view. Learn a language, read more. Learn to paint (I hope you started to paint the Howl and Sophie paint by numbers I got you). Think more about what you deserve. Fight for what you want, even if your voice shakes and there's tears in your eyes. You deserve more than the life you're receiving. Please just promise you'll fight for what you deserve, no matter what. And if you can't do these things with someone, it's okay to do new things alone. Be brave. I pray for you every day to achieve this. And that's not metaphorical, I literally pray. I may not be religious like you, I may not believe in God, but you do and God wouldn't let my prayers for you go unanswered. He loves you too much.

I only intended to write the first paragraph, but I guess I had a lot more to express. I probably missed something and regret it later but I will finish here. If you do see this and read it, I'm sure you'll experience a whirlwind of emotions. I'm sure you'll cry, I'm sure you'll be mad and everything inbetween. Your feelings are valid and I understand. I just hope you can understand my feelings and be more appreciative of them. I think my feelings always got lost, maybe that's my fault for never speaking up until it was too late and I was full of anger. I'm sorry for any time I yelled at you. I hated that I went that far. You don't deserve that and I'm sorry. But I always felt and still do that my feelings were secondary to whatever you felt. They should be equal. But I can tell you that today, 15th February 2023 my feelings are that I love you, most ardently. I desire you, mind, body and soul. That feeling simply will never cease to exist. Never. I can't keep you safe so I ask that you do your best to keep yourself safe and I'll ask the moon to watch over you the next time she blesses me with her presence. Be safe, take care and God bless. I love you, in every universe.

Yours, evermore

Hades 💜

[bigdickevans]

i watched smile and wrote down my live reaction if anyone cares lol. long story short it was better than i thought it would be, the death/spooky effects were fun but it was kinda heavy handed with the mental health commentary

i went into this thinking it would be funny bad but. goddammit. ok i liked the opening.

the fucking back and forth shots of the main lady and the college girl’s faces, it set me up!!

then when it showed college girl had gotten up. idk man something about how empty and sterile the office is wigged me out even more.

and her cutting her neck was neato

at the title card now and alright goddamn it didn’t have to flash like that yeesh

oh also it sounds like this is just gonna be it follows but with suicide instead of sex

lord they’re trying to do mental health commentary. great.

ugh if i end up liking this movie i’m gonna be embarrassed

that cat’s dead. and nooo i don’t know that because i checked doesthedogdie.com

i was hoping the cat would smile lmao

WAIT THE BOYFRIEND

WHO IS HE

SLKJFLKSDF IT’S A-TRAIN

i’ve decided this takes place in The Boys universe

sorry i got so distracted by a-train that i forgot to say that main lady seeing the dead girl in the dimly lit kitchen did freak me out.

we’re back to the mental health commentary.

why does the cat have such a big fucking bowl

Young cop(?) dude gives me the creeps.

Haha sassy black coworker!! very funny and cool el oh el

ooooo i liked her passing the rooms and having to backtrack

bro is vibing stop snapping

im so sorry but this carl actor has a really silly voice

i feel like this boss also looks familiar

oh he was in designated survivor ok

actually i’ve been kinda constipated so maybe if i watch this on the toilet i’ll shit myself and finally be free

jesus this lady just can’t stop breaking glasses

none of this would’ve happened if you just KEPT YOUR HOUSE WELL LIT

WAIT STOP EVERYTHING

YOUNG COP CREEP IS THE EMO GUY FROM JENNIFER’S BODY

wow what a cast

i sorta missed the whole bit where she listened to the recording and heard stuff, i was unclogging my toilet

main lady and blonde bitch are sisters?? wow that went straight over my head until now. i knew they had to be related in some way? but i kinda thought the husband and the main lady were siblings

dead cat moment

love that they felt the need to clarify it was her cat lmao

when the boy picked it up it looked like really bad cgi

DAMN

TABLE SLAM KO

yeah babe sometimes you just gotta yell it out

SLKDFJLS THE PAIN ASSESSMENT CHART

im sorry… mental health preachy message aside, are you telling me the fiance had to look up the fact that mental illness can be hereditary??

for some reason i feel like the main character’s spiral happened way too fast

but to be fair i guess she does have that trauma with her mom, so maybe even though she works in healthcare she’d still be more susceptible to this line of thinking?

the number of times they say “crazy” in this movie is getting ridiculous

love a good smashed in head, i appreciate they didn’t add a loud noise with it considering the amount of jumpscares in this fucking thing

thank god horrible events always happen to artists so we can have ooky spooky drawings

these “coincidences” are so obviously connected it’s ludicrous that literally nobody noticed until now

I mean cops being inept is nothing new i guess

main character is being? unbelievably unreasonable here?? yes, calling a mental health professional is what you’re SUPPOSED to do when someone around you starts acting like this

i thought one of the whole points of this smile demon thing was that it could look like anyone? they haven’t really been utilizing that as much as i assumed they would which is a bummer

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

loved that moment with the sister at the car

it is kinda neat that the death has to be super dramatic so it inflicts as much trauma as possible

but also couldn’t you just do something traumatic that doesn’t involve murder or suicide?

like pretend you murdered someone or killed yourself in a crazy violent way in front of someone so they believe it happened, orchestrate a big practical joke

the demon voice is goofy

putting a knife that big up your sleeve seems like an atrocious idea

LMAO AWESOME DREAM

it’s like in chainsaw man. the whole door thing with denji. i’m not elaborating bc i don’t wanna spoil anyone.

the mom is kinda hot

lol i like how slowly rose closed the door

ooooooo!!!! suddenly tall mom!!!

i’m a tad disappointed with the monster design :/

HELL YEAH you thought a house fire could kill a demon?? lmaoooo

I TAKE IT BACK THE MONSTER DESIGN LOOKS RAD

rose the throat goat

hell yeah love a good person burning