#i’m happy to have more of this conversation but only in good faith. bad faith will introduce you rapidly to the beloved block button

[polksaladava]

✼　 ҉ 　✼ the psychology of Elvis, pt. 1 ✼　 ҉ 　✼

i’ve been thinking a lot about the psychology of Elvis since watching the new documentary and i desperately need to scream my little brain worms into the void. i'm not really adding anything to the conversation that @joons didn't already say (much more concisely and eloquently than i'm about to lol) but alas, a yapper never ceases.

obviously i’m not a doctor or an expert by any means, so there’s a good chance i’m just talking out of my ass. always interested to hear other people’s thoughts and opinions but if you’re thinking about engaging with this post in bad faith, don’t!

of course Elvis lived a very complicated and unusual life, and we can never truly know why a person does what they do, but there's a series of major events that i can think of that very obviously impacted him and probably lead to a lot of the patterns of behavior we saw in his adult years.

for a start, he grew up very poor. we know poverty leaves deep and lasting trauma - experiencing resource scarcity, especially during your formative years, has a huge impact on developmental psychology. not only that, but his dad was in prison for 8 months when Elvis was only 3-4 years old. that's old enough to remember the emotions associated, but not old enough that he could have really understood what was happening at the time. AND by all accounts, it seemed he also had a hard time fitting in at school, which i'm sure wasn't helped when the family moved two hours away from his home town.

overall, his childhood was really characterized by scarcity - lack of money, lack of resources, lack of stability, lack of friends. but then he makes it through high school and he hits it big! seemingly overnight and out of no where. and now, there's money coming in! he can afford to buy his family a nice home! he's adored by crowds and he's found friends! and all of this is incredible and he attributes it all to none other than colonel tom parker.

and so now we have this deep-seeded fear of scarcity and this belief that all of the abundance he's finally experiencing should be attributed to the colonel. and the only way to make sure that the colonel stays is to keep him happy.

and then the two worst things that could have possibly happened happen at the same time - he gets sent to Germany, in turn being forced to abandon his career and his life as he knows it, and his mother and very best friend dies tragically.

and suddenly he realizes that the money and the fame and the resources aren't enough to keep bad things from happening, and the worst thing that can happen is losing the people you love - and maybe more importantly, losing the people who love you.

so now we have a man who was, by all accounts, already gentle and kind and loving by nature, whose brain has been conditioned to prioritize having people in his corner above all else. which, to a degree, is just human nature! we intrinsically know that we need a tribe to thrive in the wild. but when you experience the trauma that he went through at such formative times in his life, that becomes your singular goal. to survive, you cannot be alone.

and how do you avoid being alone? you give people a reason to want to be around you. and that reason could be a lot of different things - love, money, sex, entertainment. and he was pretty damn good at providing all of the above. so of course he builds a loyal group to surround him at all times. not only is he kind and fun and beautiful, but he's essentially bankrolling their whole lives. he buys them houses and cars and puts them on his payroll.

and now we have a huge problem, because we're well into the 1960's and Elvis has been raking in cash hand over foot, but he's miserable. he doesn't have a live audience to feed him anymore. the work is meaningless and embarrassing, and his health is on the rocks. but the colonel is constantly reminding him that he's only one step away from desolation, and now Elvis is really scared, because he's essentially the sole provider for a family of 15 at this point and he has to keep the cash flowing. so he stays miserable and does the bad movies and continues to do exactly what the colonel says. and god forbid any of the leeches around him (not you jerry or charlie!!) say anything, because they're not about to lose their paycheck!

but thankfully we make it through the majority of the 60's, and everything changes with the help of steve binder and the '68 special. and that's where i'm going to hop off my soap box for today, but trust me i have MUCH more to say about the 70's and the eventual decline of an empire and how this ties in to the lore of Elvis Presley™ as we know it today.

if any of you actually made it this far, i apologize for the 10 minutes you will never get back. may god bless you angels. maybe go outside or something now tho. okay love you xoxo

[thetriggeredhappy]

Hello! I really liked the recent chapter you posted. I'm excited to see more :]

Do you mind elaborating on Spy's jewishness? It's a very fun headcanon and I'd like to learn what you think about it ^_^

sure! first of all 🍉🍉🍉 to be clear

sniper and spy are the only two who i’ve explicitly stated as jewish within the text, i think, and likely the only two for whom it’s going to come up super frequently, but i also do think that tony’s wife theresa is jewish, as is collin’s wife lily, and i don’t think any singular one of them is the classic Monolith To Represent An Entire Culture Singularly.

i imagine spy was somewhat heavier on tradition for himself, more orthodox, follows kosher, that sort of thing, and that if his family were still physically present enough to be part of his life they would be absolutely flabbergasted that he married an irish catholic woman and even more flabbergasted at how chill she is about it. i imagine spy is a pretty private guy but went out of his way to stay in contact with the judeo-french community in boston. this would’ve been around, like, ~1940 or so? the O’Connell family i always believed to be closer to South End, which was historically a cultural hub in the city. him being part of espionage efforts as a teen throughout the 20s means that he had a pretty unusual immigrant experience for that reason, but i thought it was more interesting to sort of keep spy more grounded in reality compared to the team fortressing of the rest of the peripheral landscape. some of the older boys who remember when spy was around remember how hard spy and ma worked to celebrate the holidays for both catholic traditions and french jewish traditions, and archie for example has tried to pass that on to his own kids as well.

sniper meanwhile i have grounded as kind of the ‘my family is jewish but um y’know not in the way that people hate’ brand ‘palatable immigrant or different culture trying not to take up space in a place that is not necessarily friendly to outsiders’ story. his mum and dad were the only jewish people in their relatively small community by the time sniper was a young boy and they really did try to keep up traditions, but it’s hard when you have no outside support to help reinforce that stuff. sniper has a (relatable) internal sense of being both an outsider to the predominant culture while also not feeling confident enough in it being ‘his culture’ to make any claims for himself. i imagine that if he could meet some of spy’s old buddies in boston and connect a little more with the diaspora he would be able to start feeling more of that pride and connection, but as it is he’s caught between dodging antisemitism and denying a culture that does matter to him but in a way that’s difficult to verbalize and not often asked about.

i think spy and sniper might bicker about it at times in later chapters, next chapter in particular. scout’s ma is definitely going to make at least one more comment about scout getting married to a nice jewish boy though. that trope in media about east coasters is just too much of a staple to pass up.

[melancholyhigh]

CRUSH CULTURE.

ft. college au!leon x reader

synopsis. you fuck up at being leon’s wingman, ruining his chances of getting a valentine’s day fuck. he’s frustrated and takes his anger out on you.

tags. 2.8k words. smut. mean!leon, lowk angsty, reader is kinda pathetic, angry fuck, dry humping, cunnilingus, dom!leon, rough sex, unprotected p in v, degradation, name calling (bitch, whore etc.), happy ending (?).

note. i’m sorry for being so inactive and rarely being online. school sucks so bad. i hope you guys can accept this as a formal apology. (let’s ignore that this is 2 days late.)

masterlist. reblogs & comments are highly welcomed :3

You aren’t the biggest fan of Valentine’s Day. You're sick of seeing everyone fall in love, watching lovers exchange cheesy gifts and bashful smiles. You’re sick of people pretending they love each other more than they actually do. No, you’re sick of being left out.

You were a hopeless romantic, chasing love only for it to fall flat. You were obsessed with finding your other half, the person who would cherish you as much as you treasured them. You didn’t know if you loved love or just the idea of it, but it wouldn’t matter.

You’re only hopeless as you help the man you liked hook up with someone at a shitty college party.

It’s pathetic, truly, chatting up some sorority girls and putting a good name out for Leon while he stood beside you. You didn’t get why he couldn’t do it himself. He was handsome, albeit a bit awkward, but so were you. It’s why you two got along anyway. Leon was watching as you tried to get the drunk girl’s attention on him. Throughout the night, your wingman skills had only failed. They either did not pay attention to you or paid too much attention to you.

You were sick of it. You would have preferred staying in your dorm room and rewatching one of your favourite rom-coms. But you were only a fool, trying to help your friend out. It hurt more being there with him as he lamely tried to pick up girls in front of you. You didn’t know what was more pathetic, his terrible jokes or the state you were, absolutely heartbroken that he wouldn’t give you the time of day he’d give to random girls.

Maybe it’s faith’s cruel way of commentating on your desire for love by making you play cupid for the only person you seem to care about more than yourself.

You and Leon had something special, or you had hoped so. You met in your first year of college. You were both fucking awkward that you had to initiate the first conversation. Majoring in similar subjects, you both had gotten along well. You would even say you were best friends, but you knew deep down you always wanted more.

Ever since you first met, you found him enthralling. It only got worse as you got closer. Learning more about him seemed to solidify your pining for him. You were the only person he talked to, and vice versa. You confided in each other, maybe more than what close friends should, so it was only inevitable that he would share with you that he wanted to lose his virginity.

You had looked at him perplexed. Leon was pretty attractive, and maybe you were biased, but how had no one fucked him? You’ve seen the way girls look at him, blushing when he even glances at them for a second.

That is when Leon told you he planned on trying to hook up with some girl at the party, and he wanted your help because he knew he would fuck up somehow. You had humoured him. Nothing more romantic than taking a random girl home on Valentine’s Day and fucking her brains out.

–-

“It’s not that serious, Leon,” you groaned for the umpteenth time. You were both walking back to his apartment after unsuccessfully trying to hook him up with some sorority girl. He was grumbling behind you, pissed and sexually frustrated.

“It was your fault.” You roll your eyes at his statement. When you reach the door of his flat, you observe as he clumsily takes his keys out, trying to open the door. He finally manages to open the door, and you enter, taking your shoes off before settling on his couch.

You watch him beyond amused at his predicament as he paces back and forth in front of you.

“Why did you have to mention that? They were so into me before you fucked it up,” he huffs, stilling his movement to glare at you.

“C’mon, Leon. I’m sure they couldn’t give a fuck that you’re a nerd,” you said, repeating the same word you had let slip when you were praising your beloved best friend. You peered back up at him, acting casual as if his icy gaze didn’t have your heart beating wildly against your chest. You rarely saw him angry, and when he was, he never directed it to you.

“You ruined my chances at finally getting laid. I don’t know how to talk to these girls. You’re the only person I have.” He’s frustrated with you for fucking up whatever chance he finally had at popping his cherry. Even though logically it’s not your fault nor your duty to get his dick wet, he didn’t want to take responsibility right now.

“I think you’re overreacting,” you sighed, standing up and moving towards him. You try to put a comforting hand on Leon’s shoulder, and he shrugs your touch off him. You don’t take it to heart. He’s a few inches taller than you, head slightly tilted as he looks down at you.

“Yeah? Well, now I have no one to fuck tonight.”

“I can change that,” you quip, and you instantly freeze at your own statement. You part your lips lightly in shock as you observe Leon’s reaction. It was a freudian slip, and it seemed to be happening more often than you’d like.

He continues looking down at you with furrowed brows as he tries to comprehend what you said. He thinks this might affect your friendship if you even mean what you said. He was horny, being teased all night by pretty girls in skimpy dresses, only to be denied, fucking furious too.

“Really?” He responds, somehow stepping closer to you. His eyes flicker down to your lips, and you try to back up, only to be pushed against the wall by him. His stare is still cold, piercing through you. He’s still pissed at you.

“Are you still mad?” You mumbled, your back flat against the wall of his living room. You knew the answer. You just wanted him to say it. Maybe you found his mean side more attractive than you’d like to admit. It was so rare to see him like this — a usually composed man so broken.

“Yes, I’m still fucking angry. Do you want me or not?” He seethes. You squeeze your thighs together at the tone he uses. You were so pathetic, getting wet at him berating you, but any attention was good attention.

He notices your reaction, grinning to himself. “You backing down?”

You shake your head no in response.

“Beg for it then. Beg for me to fuck you. That’s what you want, right?” He says, mocking you. It’s as if he knows how deep your desire burns for him, how badly you’d do anything for him if it meant he noticed you. His hands grasp your face, his fingers squishing your cheeks together as he forces your head back against the wall so you look up at him.

“Please, Leon. Fuck me. ‘M all yours.” You plead through pursed lips. Your eyes are glossy, and he’s laughing at your desperate nature. He would have never expected his best friend to be a whiny mess within his grasp.

He lets go of your face before leaning down, capturing your lips into his for a needy kiss. Your eyes flutter shut, and a surprised gasp escapes you. Teeth clashing, you’re whimpering desperately against his lips as you entangle your fingers into his soft golden locks. His hands trail down to your hips, gripping them as he moves his body against yours.

You let out a soft moan, and he pulled apart from the passionate kiss. Both your lips are swollen and covered with your shared saliva. He continues to grope your body eagerly as he pushes you further into the wall. “Shut up. I don’t want to hear you.”

Biting your lip, you try not to let any moans slip free while he toys with your sensitive body through your clothes. He hooks one of your legs over his hip while he explores your body. He grinds his hardening cock against your crotch, and the action does little to quell the ache inside you.

Your back arches off the wall, your head tipping back as you try to buck your hips to his. Digging your nails into his shirt, he hisses slightly, but your movements don’t get past him.

“So fucking desperate,” he moans loudly.

He continues to rock his clothed erection against your cunt. The rough fabric of your pants provides enough friction through your damp underwear to your clit. Your hand clamps around your mouth shut, suppressing your whines as you near your climax.

Leon’s eyes close while he groans lowly at the pleasure coursing through him as he ruts against you. He wants so badly to feel your dripping cunt against his throbbing length. Just as you’re about to finish, he pulls away, panting, and the feeling in your core dissipates.

“I want to fuck you properly.” You’re unsure if he knew what he had just done, but with the smug look he’s giving you, you’re positive it’s on purpose.

You push yourself off the wall of his living room, and with trembling legs, you follow him to his bedroom. You were familiar with the area and used to the messy appearance while you two were either doing work or binging shows. But it’s different now, he’s going to fuck you dumb in it.

You both begin to rid yourself of your clothes once you’re inside. You’re fully nude, lying flat on Leon’s mattress, and your skin feels tacky with sweat as it clings to his soft sheets. Leon is only in his boxers, precum staining the fabric, as his strong palms spread your bent legs apart to admire your bare pussy.

You realise that this is most likely his first time seeing one other than in porn videos he jerks himself off to. He marvels at how wet you are, your folds glistening with your slick. Leaning down, he buries his face between your thighs, lapping at you.

His tongue teases your entrance before slowly moving to your clit. He alternates between sucking on your sensitive nub and lapping at it slowly. He looks like he’s concentrated as he focuses on pleasing your cunt, his brows furrowed and his nails digging into the flesh of your thighs.

You can’t help the moans and sighs that slip past your lips while he eats you out. The pleasure is nearly dizzying as you grip the sheets. Your hips are bucking against his tongue, and Leon groans as you use his face. He’s not so subtly grinding against the sheets, his cock painfully hard as he fails to relieve the sensation.

Tentatively, he slurps at you, drinking in your essence. The wet, sloppy noises your cunt makes are embarrassing, but he’s obsessed with it and your taste. It’s addictive. He sucks at your clit roughly, adoring the reaction you give him. Your tummy clenches as he pays attention to your throbbing bud. Your sounds are getting more frequent as your orgasm quickly approaches you.

When you finally come undone, your thighs are quivering around his head as he revels in your release. He parts from your cunt, his lips coated in your cum like lip gloss as he licks them clean. Trying to collect yourself, your chest heaves as you pant heavily.

Leon slips his boxers down, revealing his hard-on. His cock was flushed red and dripping with precum as he stroked it. It was average in length but quite thick and prettier than you had imagined. But you shouldn’t act surprised.

You let out a whimper when he slid the tip of his cock through your folds stained with your cum and his saliva. Your pussy was overstimulated, spasming as he teased your entrance with his head.

“Shut the fuck up, bitch,” he groans, gripping your hip to steady himself. The heat of your cunt was welcoming as it tried to suck him inside you. His tip touches your overly sensitive clit. He was quickly losing his composure, desperate to fuck you open.

You both moan simultaneously when he fully enters his length inside of you. Your walls were sucking his cock deeping into you, filling you up to the brim with nothing but him.

You had not imagined your first time with Leon like this. You daydreamed of him taking you out on a cute date before undressing you and then fucking you slowly on a bed littered with rose petals. You did not anticipate that he’d split you open on his cock as a last resort taking his sexual frustration out on you. You can’t complain with how good he’s fucking you, even if it’s out of spite.

He begins thrusting his cock in and out of tight pussy, groaning. You feel each ridge and vein of his cock as he fucks the shape into you. You sometimes forget how well-built he is, usually concealed by his clothes, sweat dripping down his muscular frame.

“Your cock feels so fuckin’ good, Leon,” you gasped out loud, your nails digging into his biceps as he stretched you out of his fat cock.

“This was your plan, huh? You wanted me to fuck you, whore.” He says as he punctuates each word with a thrust.

Your eyes roll to the back of your head as the tip of his cock presses against you deliciously. You did want him all to yourself, but you wouldn’t go as far as to sabotage him. You’re unable to answer him, too drunk on his cock bullying into that one spot inside of you.

“Answer me, bitch.” He huffs, gripping your jaw and positioning your face to his. He looks into your eyes only to note how they can barely stay open. His hips stutter at your fucked out expression. He was so fucking close, his abs flexing, only holding out so you can cum first.

“Y- Yeah, Leon. Want to you all for myself,” you stammer incoherently, tears collecting at your waterline as he pounds into your oversensitive cunt. Your walls grip around his cock sporadically as you near your climax.

“You like me too, then?” he mocks through clenched teeth. Your pussy hugs him tightly, and he thinks he might never want to leave your warm embrace.

“I’m so close,” you cry out, your body squirming in his hold. Your peak was rapidly approaching as he continued his assault on your pussy.

“Answer the question then you can come,” he whines, his fingers digging into the flesh of your hips, leaving marks as he nears his peak.

“Mhm! Yes, I’ve always fucking liked you, Leon.” You cried out, eager to expose all your secrets to him if it meant you came. As you climax, your pussy milks Leon’s cock as it gushes around him.

“Oh fuck. I’m gonna cum,” Leon moans, his voice breathy as his orgasm crashes after yours. He doesn’t know if it’s the weight of your confession or the whimpers that escape your throat that send butterflies in him as he spills into you. He kisses you one last time, moaning into you as he rides his high.

Pulling out, he collapses right next to you. You’re both panting, covered in cum and sweat. A wave of exhaustion overcomes you, and you hope he doesn’t bring up what you said amidst fucking. You’re content pretending it didn’t happen if it meant you wouldn’t get to face your fears.

“Thank you for uh,” Leon trails off, and it's like a switch flipped. He’s bashful at mentioning that he had just lost his virginity as if he wasn’t calling you a whore a few minutes ago. Turning to his side, you come nearly face-to-face with him once again.

“Mhm, you’re welcome, I think.” You’re still unsure how you feel about the situation. Finally, you had fucked him, but what significance did it hold to him? Your eyes flutter shut, sleep finally overcoming your wrecked body. You expected the same would happen to Leon, but you were wrong. Leon was in deep thought.

Leon calls your name, cutting your sleep short. You snap your eyes open, sitting up, you await his question with your arms crossed. He looked uneasy, but you’re too drained to question why.

“Did you mean what you said? That you liked me.” His voice is quiet as he gazes at your form.

“Uh, yeah,” you mumbled in response. What was even the point of lying anymore? His cum was dripping between your thighs. What is the worst he can do? You think you can already guess his response. Guilt was eating at you. He wouldn’t be in this position if you did what he wanted. You added, “Sorry for fucking up your night.”

It’s quiet, and you’re nervously trying to gauge his reaction until he breaks the silence.

“I think I found someone better,” he responds. You laugh at the mere absurdity of the entire situation.

“It took fucking me to find that out?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

[nicname]

”Oh if we didn’t have xenogenders/GNC trans people/neopronouns/MOGAI/etc etc etc then transphobes would respect us.” Untrue. Most transphobes are so insanely vitriolic that you could be the most standard, decent, agreeable trans person, and they would still hate you.

I’m a fairly basic trans man, online and off. I tone my gender down even more for work. I have short hair, facial hair, I wear pretty standard non-fitted pants and t shirts with some manner of compressive undergarment underneath, and I go by my fairly basic, common masc name. The only difference between me and my cis coworkers is that I openly engage in good-faith discussions about my being transgender when brought up, and I have a “he/him” pronoun pin I like to wear.

I have one coworker who I’m well aware has never gendered me correctly. I have assumed it was an intentional, bad-faith decision (because of other, unrelated-to-me conversations he has had with coworkers), but I’ve never really cared enough to bring it up to him. I figured, “if this is intentional, that’s his issue. I’m not interested in trying to change his mind.” I’ve reached a point in my transition to where I don’t really care that much if some random person doesn’t respect me or my gender, because I don’t need every stranger’s approval to be happy with myself.

With all that being said, I’ve treated him the same as I have every other coworker. I’ve been civil, I’ve been agreeable, I’ve still been friendly to him and haven’t gone around the workplace intending to smear his name. (Yes, I have discussed his behavior to those close to me who have asked, but I’ve kept it very private and said that as long as he doesn’t say anything outwardly malicious, I don’t really care about his behavior.) He has been outwardly friendly to me, too, telling me about his past careers, showing me pictures of his family, we’ve talked about our hobbies and other things we enjoy.

Still, after all of this, he has given up the ghost and decided to gossip about me negatively to coworkers. I won’t go into detail about what I’ve been told he said, but it was all explicitly transphobic and pretty aggressive. I’ve never gone out of my way to make him mad, relating to my gender or not, so it’s a little out of nowhere. I’m not particularly surprised by this, but I’m more surprised that he would be bold enough to say everything out loud when working for a company that has explicit protections for trans people in place. He was reported fairly quickly, without me ever knowing what occurred. The only reason I found out about everything is because I overheard a manager discussing it with a concerned coworker from my department.

So, if you take anything away from this, let it be that no amount of friendliness, gender-conformity, or civilness with stop a transphobe from taking their transphobia out on you, and it’s not your fault or any other trans person’s fault. Don’t victim blame trans people who become the subject of someone’s transphobic hate, because a transphobe is dedicated to harming trans people regardless of whether they blend in with cis people or not. Don’t use a transphobe’s needlessly malicious behavior as a reason to harass other trans, GNC, nonbinary, or otherwise gender diverse people.

[syoddeye]

consequence / snowball

price x f!reader | 2k words series directory | ao3 tags: exes, angst, cheating, references to depression. a/n: good things come to those who wait. ☕

it’s strange to think there’s a man in the living room.

by invitation. you’d extend it further and lure him down the hall to your room, but he might not appreciate it, considering you shit the bed by crying like an infant in front of him.

it’s the beer and ben. you should’ve arranged for delivery or left his things on the street. would’ve been less personal that way, safer, but you had to know—if you’d feel anything, if he’d ooze regret. you came out two for two, slapped with clarity. not only was ben unrepentant, he was happy. happier without you.

you gaze at the hyacinths above your bed. they remind you of john’s eyes. soothing.

~~~~

there’s a weight on john’s chest when he wakes.

cece purrs contentedly. she butts into his chin as he stretches, one hand stalling her advance to his face and the other scrubbing over his eyes. he tucks her to his chest as he stands and scratches under her chin while staring at the door at the end of the hall, pushed open to the width of a cat. not a sound.

he starts the kettle. it’s only polite.

in her cupboards, he finds the coffee and a collection of novelty mugs. he settles for ‘not paint water’ and ‘black coffee’ in the style of black flag. 

she can’t meet simon. he’d steal her.

john refills cece’s water, then tiptoes around the living room. with the added context, he examines the decor and art in a new light. he wonders if she looks at them with pain or contempt. if any inspire positive thoughts, or if they’ve been stripped of them. if she, like him, keeps tokens regardless of sentiment. monuments to his own failings, shortcomings, and triumphs. and, if she does, how he’ll drown out the bad with good.

she startles him.

“morning.” she stands at the mouth of the hall, in sweats and a t-shirt, voice thick with sleep. “did you…?” 

“hope you don’t mind.” he watches her shuffle languidly. “i don’t know if you prefer coffee or tea, but figured the kettle’s necessary either way.”

she hums and retrieves a glass pour-over from a cupboard. “i’m just impressed you’re here at all.”

you of little faith.

“not the type to flee a woman’s flat without a proper goodbye.”

“no? you often stay over at women’s flats?” her back is turned, but he hears the smile in her voice. “what constitutes a proper goodbye?”

his gaze lingers before he joins, ignoring the questions for his own sanity. “sleep well?”

after pouring water over the coffee grounds, she turns and leans, the picture of nonchalance, save for the puffy and still somewhat bloodshot eyes.

it’s not right to burn paintings, but he’d set fire to her ex’s studio, gallery—wherever the rat held his collection—if he believed it’d make her feel better.

“yes, actually. last night was, um, cathartic.”

he tilts closer, laying a palm flat on the counter beside her hip. “i assume there’s more to the story, but it’s your choice. i won’t pry any further. just say the word.” 

“no, no. i want to tell you.” she sighs, focusing on the drip. “you’re right. i didn’t get to the best part.”

to that, he has no immediate answer. no inclination to rush her into conversation when she’s barely awake. in the brief silence, her dejection and shame seep into the space like the water filtering through the grounds. 

john pulls out his phone, tapping through screens. “gonna need somethin’ to eat, sounds like. you been to…hm. ‘for goodness bakes’ bakery?”

she frowns over her shoulder. “john, i’m not suitable for public consumption.”

he lifts a brow. “debatable, but i mean to pop out and pick up breakfast. do you have a preference?”

slipping from his place beside her, he weaves around cece and heads for his shoes and jacket.

“you don’t have to–”

“i know. preference?”

across her flat, she fights back a smile and he fights his impulses.

“raspberry-filled doughnut.”

sweet. suits her. “rog. lock the door after me, shower, and i’ll be back before you know it.”

~~~~

the water feels hot, no matter how low you turn the temperature. 

such a complicated influx of thought. flirting with john is effortless. talking is easy. he cuts through your guilt and grief like an icebreaking ship with none of the force or command. and he listens. really listens. you could stare at the divot between his eyebrows all day, the way his face grows serious, and his eyes somehow warmer. 

for the first time in months, you genuinely fuss over clothes and skincare beyond moisturizer. are you pathetic? is this pathetic? you ask cece, she slow blinks and slaps the tie to your robe. inconclusive.

a knock at the door. you yank a shirt over your head, assess, and force yourself to walk calmly from your room.

don’t rush this.

~~~~

she smells faintly of citrus. coffee, too. though that may be the steaming mugs set between them.

“good?”

“the best,” her cheek bulges with a bite. her eyes don’t stray from the pastry, its fruity entrails spilled onto a plate. “thanks.”

they eat in relative silence, but he catches her staring at his bicep twice. 

“rethinking your compliments?” he flexes the mermaid’s tail, dusting croissant flakes off his fingers.

her turn to ignore a question. she asks her own. “y’know, i never asked. do you live far?”

“across town.”

“and yet you come to the shop, what, three times a week when you’re in town?”

four, if he’s lucky. “good coffee. decent service.”

“right.”

she finishes and licks sugar off her thumb. john tears away to clear the table, ignoring another protest. last thing he wants to do is turn a lovely morning into an awkward one. he joins her on her couch, taking what feels like is quickly becoming his spot and prompting cece to sit on his lap.

“where did i leave off?” she asks rhetorically, staring into her mug. “ben’s big break. right. he was only originally supposed to be away for two weeks painting a mural for an architect’s office. well, midway through the job, the architect introduced him to a friend who happened to own a gallery.”

“the snowball.”

“yes. of course, ben’s gifted, but like i said, he’s got personality. the, uh, hustle. i can’t blame him for seeing an opportunity and taking it. at least that opportunity.”

john hesitates to address the continued self-deprecation with how her voice wraps around the very telling ‘that’. he bites his tongue and picks his battle. another day, he’ll help tear that veil of doubt from her eyes.

“anyway, his two week long trip spun out into six.” she winces. “he didn’t end up coming back once. not to grab more clothes or anything. he just had me send some along with selected pieces. he said there was no time.”

“and hannah?”

“neck-deep with the final school exhibition.” she goes quiet, lost in her barely-touched coffee. swallowing, her gaze lifts. “she was…busy.”

john sets his mug aside out of concern for the ceramic’s integrity.

“things became difficult. ben said he wanted to try long-distance before, so i thought six weeks was a decent trial run. i wasn’t well, but texting and calling him kept me afloat. then he started getting busier, and couldn’t text or call every day. one weekend, he didn’t answer at all. he did apologize, though, and sent me flowers—not as nice as yours, though. yellow somethings. kind of garish.”

he mirrors her small, sad smile, dropping it when she looks away. it’s deeply selfish and painfully juvenile to revel in that detail, but he does.

“eventually, his trip ended. things improved, rapidly, like he was eager to make up for lost time. dates, gifts, love notes. it was nice. he booked more work, but he bought a car, so he’d stay home during the week and travel on weekends. i couldn’t tag along often, since weekends are the busiest days at the shop, but he promised he’d be home for our anniversary.”

cece migrates. the ball of warmth leaves him for her mum, tucking her purring self into his girl’s lap. she sets her coffee down and idly strokes the creature, leaning hard into the cushions, holding her cheek with a palm. her focus drifts elsewhere for a minute.

he knew the story would inevitably reach this point. the crash. it’s difficult to believe he was so angry over a stupid dent.

“you don’t have to continue.”

“no, i want you to understand, john.”

his name’s enough to shut his mouth.

“at dinner, ben gave me his phone to show the photographs that a local paper was going to publish alongside an article about his work. i didn’t think anything of it, other than i thought he looked handsome. so i kept swiping.”

a gear turns in his head.

“and in the background of the last picture, ben and hannah were attached at the mouths.”

his blood boils. it is good his hands are empty.

“you know, i think he wanted me to find out like that. in public, where he didn’t think i’d make a scene.”

~~~~

ben called you crazy. crazy. 

he’d taken his phone back with this look on his face and immediately demanded you lower your voice. you asked him point blank—how long?

he muttered something. months.

you’re not proud that you tossed a glass of wine into his face. knowing him, he was going to turn the breakup into a fucking piece. when he shot back from the table, he had the gall to act surprised and embarrassed. you contemplated throwing your glass, too, as he stormed out.

but he wasn’t worth it. 

you’d lose your job. which you’d need, since you were definitely on your own now.

the bottle of wine you drank that night couldn’t cover the bitter taste in your mouth, nor could it erase the fact that ben won.

and you lost.

~~~~

outside, john loiters at the top of the stairs. the cooler air helps mellow his temper.

“sure i can’t sort him out for you? i know a man or two who’d help. there’d be no connection to you.” he smiles. if only she knew the sincerity of the offer.

“i’m sure, john. i’ll let you know if that changes. walk you to the corner?”

he shelves his anger for later. when her arm slips through his without asking, it’s swiftly shoved to the back. he squeezes her hand against his ribs. 

“i’m curious about something.” john admits. “earlier. you insisted on tellin’ me everything so i’d ‘understand’.”

she hums.

“it’s not as though i didn’t follow. i did. i do, but i’m not entirely sure what you meant by that.”

at the corner, she withdraws and shoves her hands into her pockets. “i needed you to hear all the, uh, gruesome details. so you know what you’re getting into.”

“getting into?” his chest tightens.

a look of resolve falls over her face. her voice is the firmest he’s heard outside the shop, calling customers to pick up their orders.

“i made the mistake of rushing things before. i’m not keen to do it again. if you like being around me, john, which i think you do,”

more than you know.

“you should know i want to take whatever this is slow and steady. i don’t want to screw up again.”

he grasps for the right thing to say. slow and steady. he can do both. he’s laid on his belly for days waiting for a shot and knows the consequences of missing. to seize opportunity when it’s in front of him.

and this one’s finally wandered into his crosshairs.

[louisferrignojr]

*deep breath*

the thing is. the fucking thing is.

it's not unrealistic for someone to not dig deeper into their queer identity beyond what they know to be true, which might be "yeah i might be attracted to people of the same gender but i dont have time to get into that right now 'cause life is complicated and i'm in a relationship/i'm not interested in dating right now anyway so what does it matter"

(same goes for figuring out your gender identity. exhibit A:

[image description: a tweet by shaka (@/ScaredAsian) that says, “im probably nonbinary but i have a job so idrc about that rn”. In plain text, it says, “I’m probably nonbinary but I have a job so I don’t really care about that right now.” /end id])

but this doesn't work for evan buckley

who had his little freakout on his first date with tommy and went to talk to his sister who literally told him "now you're more than an ally" and that maybe he's not sure of his feelings but he'll figure them out. (sidenote: she should have said identity instead of feelings. but whatever.)

who has been in a relationship with his boyfriend for six months

who has been known to go on research binges because he has a curious mind and loves learning. tommy's sarcastic "oh good, you found a substack" tells us everything we need to know, y'all.

who has at least one very close queer friend and co-worker, hen fucking wilson; and one friend/acquaintance who is a queer man (we don't know how much he sees josh outside of visiting maddie at dispatch, and like, that one time he hang out with him and maddie and chimney, so it's a little bit up to fanon to decide if they're friend-friends but at the end of the day it is a trusted person and an openly gay man. i mean, we saw how josh stood up for tommy, and schooled the fuck out of buck. finally, a conversation about being queer between two canonically queer characters! only took 8 seasons, huh! i digress.)

and have i mentioned he's been dating his boyfriend for six months? like, if he was ever to have a conversation about being queer... tommy is right there. tommy opened up about his own experience figuring out his sexuality and coming out on their very first date and moreover reassured buck it's okay if he's feeling a little tense about them being out on a date in a public place.

point being: there are people in his life who would be more than happy to talk to him about his newfound identity outside of his relationship with tommy.

taking all of these things into consideration: it's not only inconsistent with the character they have established, but the timeline of it is also really fucking messed up.

and more than that: any faith i may have had in this show to handle a delicate matter like a character exploring their newfound sexuality has flown out the window. they broke the audience's trust with 8x06. i'm not interested in seeing how they're going to move this story forward, because 8x06 was such a particular fuck up, beginning to end, wrt the bucktommy storyline.

and honestly? knowing the format 911 follows, as a network procedural: this is not the right medium to tell this story, at this point in the timeline, because it has become way more complicated than it would have been in s7, immediately following buck's bisexual awakening.

tldr: the premise is sound but the execution is so bad it's practically unsalvageable within the scope of the show (but very manageable in fanfiction, where you can dwell in the character's headspace and dig into what goes on beyond the things they say and do. godspeed, everyone <3)

partly inspired by @firehose118's tags on their post and partly like, being queer. source: dude trust me

[missmarveledsblog]

Bet on it ( Bradley bradshaw x reader) part 4

summary : when she thinks she made things worse only ends up being the best start of her life , rooster finally does the right thing and calls off the bet to his surprise jake isn't so bad as he thinks. the looming faith of her leaving approaches , the night of all highs come to new lows as she discovers something that makes things fall into rubble and reality of how she never should of fell for bradley bradshaw .

warning : fluffy , allusion to smut , happy time then boom soz the angsty part

previous part

“more than i should of” god how could she lets this happen ,  they barely even began being friends and yet she jumped into bed . it was already awkward trying to navigate the whole thing , shit it took forever for them to even take. wine the reward of soldiering on alone turned to be the curse that put her in this situation . 

“ more than you should of?  darling need some context ?” shit she forgot jake was still on the phone. 

“more than i should of jake i done something stupid and pulled a you thinking with my body parts “ she whispered.  

“ ohh OHH SHIT” 

 “ Yeah he currently from what i can see naked in my bed  you think i could just hide in the closet or crawl space maybe wait til he leaves and never leave my house again?” she asked . 

“ come on darling what if it not so bad” 

“ what if it goes back to before or worse and it like so awkward fucking hell i’m an idiot “ she sank on her sofa . 

“ what if nothing happened ?” he said softer and yet same time she heard the rustling in bed room. 

“ oh shit … bye yeah talk later go texas “ was all she said before the bedroom door opened. “ um morning “ she smiled weakly . 

“ morning sorry i didnt interrupt your call did i “ why did he have to be standing in his underwear looking like second on legs  

“ oh no just jake giving me run down of texas “ she shrugged trying to keep her eyes up and not down .. since when was he this ripped .  “ so how was the sleep “ really y/n get it together .

“ it was good even if you snore  i mean wow but hey it cut” he chuckled as her mouth fell open . 

“ buddy you’re hearing yourself cause i don’t snore “ . 

“ i know but made you smile and less tense was it really that bad?”he asked . 

“ no it was good , great but “ 

“ but?”

“But we should have i mean what if it makes things weird and i’m never good with one night stands hell i think i only ever done it one now twice “ she rambled.

“ who says it can be a one time thing , come on unless the g’s starting to get to me or  i’m going crazy , can’t say there  wasn’t something there last night before well that   “ he asked coming to her. 

“ i mean something could of been the wine or ..” 

“ you felt what i felt and you’re scared look if you want to leave i can we don’t have to speak of it again or we can see were this goes “ .

“ i don’t want you to leave but i am in five months for two years  the timing…” 

“ we can come to that road if needs be but now we still have time to figure it out  right?” he asked more softer holding her face in his face knowing he wasn’t just saying it  and knowing he was going to have a conversation with jake he was not looking forward to and possibly losing his bronco on top of it . “ step by step  see where it takes us ?” .

“ ok but what if it worse and we end up fighting more “ the fear in her eyes of possible going back  he couldn’t deny it was scary and it was sad it took something childish as a bet to even see what was in front of him the whole time  .  

“And what if it best thing we ever done, look  i can promise that whatever happens we will stay friends “ he held up his pinky making her laugh . 

“ ok see where it goes “ she smiled  as he leaned forward kissing her as their pinky fingers intertwined. 

5 weeks since that morning at first  they kept under wraps, keeping it down low and failing completely. Stealing kisses , sharing secret smiles and well being totally oblivious  their friends caught on  after the first two weeks .  they kept it to themselves wait for them to tell them til well they got bored of it , sitting in hard deck watching her across the bar as some recruit was being a little too close for his liking , teeth grinding trying to not let it get to him not blow their cover because he was jealous then the hand  went to her waist as she moved back instantly . 

“ ok go get your girl before you break the bottle , we know ok you both suck at hiding things” nat snorted .

“Don’t know what your talking about “ he gritted. 

“ oh give it up come on do you stay away from my girl thing” she laughed as the rest joined in . 

“ fuck it “ he stood taking to steps at time reaching the bar his hand coming to her waist pulling her to him and putting himself inbetween her and jack off .

“ hey pretty girl  what’s taking you so long” he smiled down wanting to kiss the surprise look on her face. “ yeah they know” he smirked watching her visibility relax til her head looked over to where her dad was sitting  .

“ i knew too “  

“ well there goes my dream of being a spy” . 

“ hey we were talking”  the voice called clearly not cluing into the situation but then again they did have recruits dumber than box of rocks as rooster turned the cocky demeanor went straight out the door and took an uber home as the mans eyes widen . 

“ well  your done i’ll see you monday kid , i’m going to enjoy rest of night with my girlfriend”  was all he said before guiding her back to their table a pitchy “ yes sir “ in the background   .

“ how did you know” she asked. 

“ we’ve caught you both making out in parking lot like alot and bob may have heard somethings when he went to see why rooster didn’t show up for the beach one morning “ javy winked . 

“ yeah lets not bring that up” the WSO  cheeks reddened.

“ I found your panties in his glove box , you want us to go on “ nat smirked. 

“ no we’d be shit spies got it” she hid at his back . 

“ i mean it was surprising at first but made sense like that fighting was actually deep down  sexual tension”payback pointed out. 

 “ he’s right we could spot it happening “ bob  spoke up as rest confirmed. 

“ well we’re taking it step by step  but i hope it never ends” she finally spoke. 

“ what about when you go to new york ?” . 

“ i can take leave and visit , she can visit here we can do it “ knowing he still needed to jake and he was living up to the blondes nickname of being a chicken. 

“ well come to it when we need to “ she added as he kissed her head. 

Monday morning  the recruit barely looking any direction , eye locked on the floor yet he couldn’t  bask in that feeling , he couldn’t even enjoy the new relationship with the guilt hanging thick in the air , the bet stopped being a bet for him  the night of the gala but still without calling it off it was still on in his friends eyes. So one by one he gather the males of the dagger squad and they stood in a conference room like naughty school boy planing their senior prank . pacing knowing this was gonna be shitty and it was gonna piss him off but keeping strong and keeping to the point  

“ i’m calling it off” was all he said for them to know . “ you  want the bronco but i can’t do it anymore , shit it ended the that night” he began rambling. 

“ ok it’s off no bet  “ jake smirked as they all stood shocked well  not them all . 

“ you can have the bronco man just don’t ruin it with upgraded shit it’s piece of art as is “ he paced til it hit him . “ wait that easy … no it can’t be “ his brows arched. 

“  man i seen it moment she walked into that hard deck just needed to get you grow some balls and stop being an ass , good for you chicken hurt her and i’ll shoot you out that sky for real” he patted his shoulder and leaving them all speechless. 

“ we sure that actually hangman and not a clone” fanboy broke the silence and they didn’t tell him shut up or it was crazy for once it was plausible.  

Weeks passing and time of her life then the looming fear that was coming the internship one she once was excited for which she still was but dreading it all in one . one of the best relationship of her life and she now was going to be leaving . she didn’t notice the tears where even falling as they cuddle up watching some movie she couldn’t even remember the plot of til she broke into a sob taking him by surprise yet holding her close. 

“ whats this for” he cooed kissing her  head as she pulled up . 

“ i leave in four weeks and i don’t want to but i want to “ she cried out. 

“ i don’t want you to either if i’m honest but i know you need to pretty girl we can do it , two years isn’t much really i’ll be able visit think of it as practice deployment” he smiled sadly. 

“ i know and i know i can visit shit i’ll be here every weekend even if it for a day or something but still it’s not gonna be same what if it’s too much and you don’t want me ?” she sniffled. 

“ not want you ? not even a possibilities  shit it could be for a decade and i could still be waiting ever since we started this relationship everything made sense  like how i could never settle down or  my mom rambles all those year cause i never love them , never fell in love like i did with the girl i never even saw coming “  he spoke honestly  he was dreading it himself , never in his life did he feel this way , not even a percent did it feel like this . No woman could have his heart like she did .

“ i love you too” she smiled through her tears as fresh ones fell down her cheeks . 

“ look pretty girl we can do this we know it coming and we can make it work” he held her close feeling her close  . 

“ we can make it work “ she repeated . 

“When you do come back how about we never be apart shit even when you visit it our home you visit “ he asked as she looked up , “ move in with me even if it for a few days in the year” he looked down his breathing stopped as he waited and yet words failed her all she could do was nod  and breathe out a yes . “ your lease is up til you leave so me and guys can help back up your stuff and instead of storage we can bring it to our home “ he smiled. 

“ our home shit “ she confirmed . 

“ shit my mom was actually right “ he chuckled . 

“ your mom was always right but which time we talking here” she teased . 

“ when you find the one you just know”  .

 “ i mean she did say it alot  i think we were just too stubborn to see also it took me to ugly cry for you to tell me you love me “ . 

“ you and ugly don’t know each other pretty girl i’m one lucky man “ he peppered her face . 

“  you are lucky old man your right “ she teased hopping up for the chair .

“  i never said old “ he gasped . 

“ nearly forty baby” she called. 

“ hey does that make you my sugar baby?” 

“ make me your midlife crisis” . 

“ oh that it “ he took of making her dart down the hall apartment filling with giggles as two forgot the looming time that was coming and coming fast . 

He wanted it  to be before one more week and she was leaving her suitcase packed and ready waiting the closet one thing out of the way so she could be  with her friends and her family for the remainder of her before.  He selfishly wanted the last weekend with her so one week before he planned a party  letting her  hair  done and a night of fun . penny offered the hard deck straight away closing it down for a night . bossing his fellow squadron to make sure it was nothing less then perfection , nat lucked out under the guise of girls day getting hair and shit done which now other wished they thought of it as rooster was like a bridezilla and then the thought of their marriage in future mental note to be busy then . slowly the people in her life started arriving beth the wonderful and divine finally accepted bradley , he was delighted not being scared anymore , other nurses and doctors , pals she’d made from being in hard deck and superiors who watched them grow up . 

“ i’m proud of you kid this is wow” pete smiled his arm wrapping around  the man shoulder. 

“ think she’ll like it?” 

“ she’ll love it .. i’m so happy you both found each other really i don’t think i’ve ever seen her this happy “ he smiled brightly .

“ i’ll spend rest of my life making sure she is  , mav honestly she the one “ he sighed happily. 

“ shit i had this conversation before only different bradshaw , i see it i see your dad and mom when i look at you two when your dad said that to me a week later he popped the question , i’m not saying you are but you got my blessing when you do” he hugged him tightly 

“ dusty in here huh” bradley coughed wiping his eyes . 

“ very “ copying as the two pulled themselves together. 

“ shush she coming” bob hissed taking his post as look out a little too seriously as he hit the lights, 

“ nat you sure it…” 

“ SURPRISE “  they all yelled making her fly back into the awaiting female pilot. 

“ i’m sure “ she winked steadying her. 

 “ what is this “ she gasped looking around .

“ it’s a party for us to say we love you and that rooster will bit anyone that come near next weekend “ jake teased, 

“ not wrong even might bark “ rooster nodded. 

“ can’t tell if he’s joking or not “ fanboy whispered. 

“ so drink , eat and have the night you deserve baby girl this is all for you “ he lift her up and spun her around . 

“ i always liked him” beth cooed. 

“ no you didn’t marcus added. 

“ he’s tired come on lets get this party started “ she yelled out as everyone cheered . 

“ i would like to say few words before we do  get speeches out the way before we all get drunk” her dad called out. “  y/n my little girl always  i’m proud of you , how smart you are “ . 

“ get’s it from her mother side “ cyclone teased as everyone laughed. 

“ for once i agree with you simpson , since y/n was able to walk she always said she was going to be a doctor , always ready to patch someone up with her pick little toy doctor case , ready to care for someone when their sick even when she could barely see over the bed or chair they were in now a beautiful young woman following that dream and not stopping only getting better and better and i’m just beyond proud of you kiddo , i proud you never lost that reason to care , that  reason to love no matter who it is and how i get to watch that unfold has beating everything i’ve done in my life except one they day i became your father” he smiled softly . 

“ shit is dusty in here” she chuckled  wiped her eyes running to her fathers arms.  “ i love you dad” muffled but he could hear it loud and clear. 

“ love you too kiddo” 

“ while were doing this now i just wanted to say we are all proud of you darling and i love you too since you came into this very bar and put me in my place i knew then and there i found a friend for life” jake called . 

“ san diego isn’t gonna be the same without you “ javy smiled .

“ we’ll take care of rooster for you “ bob added. 

“ i love you all every single person in this room has impacted it for the best and even though i’m going to the big city  i’m coming home here because it not the place it’s the people in it “ she smiled softly . 

“ My girl is right … yeah my girl bragging again but how can you not when you get to fall for one of the most amazing women on earth , one i hope to build a bright future after a shitty past . i never saw a future other than being a pilot  following my father footsteps in career sense and scoffing at the thought of a family  then after a night with y/n mitchell i couldn’t stop thinking of a new future one that didn’t involve ranks or being the best well that’s a lie because i want to be the best for her , best partner and hopefully one day a even better husband .. i am proud of you so much pretty girl your going to pave a way and help so many more in the future  i don’t know what i did in a past life to deserve you but i’m grateful i get to have that honor” he held her close as they all raised their glasses . 

“ rooster is one lucky man got the love of his life and hangman didn’t get his bronco 

” fanboy cheered as she laughed. 

“ his car ? i’m so lost “ she said as the man didn’t  realized what he said or what he was about to say . 

“ ignore em darling think he drank too fast” jake stood forward . 

“ what is going on really “ she chuckled . 

“ stupid bet rooster could get you an i get his bronco if he couldn’t “ the moment the  words fell from his lips the room went silent and even if it wasn’t  everything blurred together. 

“I was a bet” she looked up . 

“ no no it not like that darling it was..” 

“ and you my best friend oh my god “ 

“ listening baby it was at start but its not now it hasn’t been for a while “ bradley went to hold her she pushed him off her. 

“ what is wrong with you both what the fuck” nat growled, 

“ thanks for coming everyone really but erm yeah “ she turned running out feeling the eye of pity too much . 

“ baby wait” .

The cold air hitting  , she felt sick , stupid she fell for it all  and yet it was all a bet , a joke at her expense of course it would be  , the sudden need to make up and oh god she felt like an idiot heading to her car needing to get out of there  , away from it all . 

“ please y/n wait” he called. 

“ get away from me you sick freak who does something like that play with someone like that you need help  and i loved you sick part of me still does  my feelings were real and yours put on all sake of a bronco”  she scoffed tears of burning anger falling down her face. 

“ it was a bet at first but after the gala i couldn’t do it” he said wanting to hold her.

“ he’s right darling “ jake stood regretting it all knowing he should  of went  a different way . 

“ both of you leave me alone i never want to see you again “ she spat venom falling from her tongue . 

“ you don’t mean that “ he stood back . 

“ bet on it that i do it what your good at” she got into the car not even looking their way  as she drove off .

“ please don’t mean it” he whispered watching her car in the distance before she was gone. " what have i done?" he looked at jake who for once stood quiet. " i need to make this right i can lose her " he paced.

" give her space tonight man she's angry she not going to listen we both know that but tomorrow i'll even help " the blonde finally spoke .

" i can't lose her" bradley repeated his own tears falling.

part 5

taglist : @djs8891 @shanimallina87 @peachmartini @kawaiiskeletondragonbanana @paisleebubbles

A.N : welp i hurt my own feeling making this part </3

[youcouldmakealife]

KS Fill: Bryce/Jared; quick learner

For the prompt: I would really like to see someone (coach or media) realize Bryce is not actually an idiot (at least about hockey)

SO: How is it, having Bryce Marcus back in the roster for this final run before the playoffs? Is it a relief to have him back? BF: We have faith in all our guys, but I mean, of course we’re glad to have Bryce back. LR: I wouldn’t use the word relief, though. That’s not the feeling I get. It’s a treat to have him back with us. BF: Yes. LR: And I don’t just mean on the ice. The guy’s a sponge, truly. Everything I teach him, he either picks it right up, or he knows it already. I’ve coached some of the best players in the world, here and internationally, and I’d like to think I’m pretty accustomed to bright hockey minds. But it’s a treat. It’s a treat. SO: High praise. LR: My guys know — I never give a compliment unless I mean it. BF: Is that why you never give me compliments? (Laughter) LR: The only thing I don’t like about that guy is that I won’t get to coach him in the Olympics. SO: You don’t see a defection to Team USA in his future? LR: Nah, pretty sure the guy’s heart is right here in Vancouver. BF: If there’s a place for a heart to be… LR: It’s a pretty good one. BF: Great one.

-After Hours, feat. Vancouver Canucks Coach Landon Rutger and General Manager Brian Foster

*

Jared’s honestly a little surprised it takes as long as it does for the coaching staff to realise just how bright Bryce is. Or more, to pick up on just how broad that intelligence is, because it doesn’t take long for them to figure out how quickly Bryce picks up strategy, almost no time at all before he’s quarterbacking the power play, stage-directing before face offs. But Jared doesn’t know if it’s Bryce’s reputation preceding him or what, but the way they seriously pay attention to what Stevie has to say, to Gabe, Bryce doesn’t get that.

Thankfully that doesn’t extend to the team: they start listening to Bryce almost straight away, on the ice and off it. Jared thinks Gabe had something to do with that, letting everyone know Bullet has a good eye, that he’s worth listening to, but it probably would have happened even if Gabe hadn’t said a thing. This isn’t Calgary, nobody’s tuning him out, assuming the only things he knows about are scoring goals, picking up women, and taking bad penalties.

Bryce’s linemates are the first ones to notice, unsurprisingly. Usually where the first line goes, so too goes the team, and the Canucks are no exception. It’s only a handful of practices before Bryce is sticking around after the coaches leave, staying on the ice to give dudes pointers, give them a little extra practice on the things they need to work on.

It means Jared has to stick around a little longer, and Gabe too, if they’re carpooling, but Gabe claims not to mind, and whenever Jared gets impatient, he just has to think about how Bryce ran him through almost every single exercise before the combine, rented private ice time when Jared was getting too into his own head.

It’d be selfish, not wanting his teammates to get that too. And, far more importantly, it'd be completely counterproductive. It makes Bryce happy too, and Jared’s always going to be a sucker for that, though, thankfully, Bryce never seems to realise quite how big a sucker he is.

But in the final regular season stretch, Jared swears he can see it click, all at once, and suddenly Bryce is getting pulled aside by Coach, waved over to serious conversations with the team vets, Rutger leaning down to intently listen whenever Bryce turns to tell him something mid-game.

“Coach told me I should consider a career behind the bench after I retire,” Bryce says when they get home after one particularly long post-practice conversation.

He sounds a little stunned, like it’s something he never considered before, which is kind of funny, considering he was technically supposed to be one when he met Jared.

Jared would have laughed his ass off at the idea of Bryce coaching back then — and he did — but now?

Well, maybe he wouldn't be the best head coach, because Jared can see Bryce getting his ass thrown out of the game after losing it on the refs — he’s almost done it a few times as a player. He can see him being loved by his players, the kind of coach they’d run through walls for, but he can’t so much see him handling the disciplinary side of things, or delivering the bad news of roster re-assignments, scratches, which goalie’s in, which is out.

Not that he couldn't do it — Jared’s sure he could — but he’s equally sure that shit would stick with him at the end of the night, get in his head, follow him home. He’s too nice to be a head coach.

Jared’s not saying head coaches have to be assholes, except — maybe he is, a little. All of Jared’s best coaches were dudes he’d never be friends with, and that’s probably part of it. Better to be feared than loved, right? That’s Machiavelli, Jared thinks. Dude had some solid points, reputation aside.

But assistant coach, well — Jared can see that. Bryce running the power play, maybe, or special teams in general — he may not play on the PK, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t run a good kill. Or maybe be the coach that takes the lead on player development, the friendly one checking in how the rookies are doing and if anyone’s dealing with shit off the ice, helping them grow as players.

“Huh,” Jared says.

Bryce gives him a curious look.

“You would, you know,” Jared says.

“You think so?” Bryce says.

“I really do,” Jared says. He doesn’t know why Bryce lights up at that, when he’s just been told the same thing by someone who knows a hell of a lot more than Jared does, but he accepts the grateful kiss that comes his way. He hasn’t earned it or anything, but he’ll take it anyway. He always will.

*

SO: So I think it’s safe to say you’re both big fans of Bryce Marcus. BF: I know we’ve spent most of this interview singing his praises, but he deserves it. We’re lucky to have him. Delighted to have him back. LR: I think most people respect his hands, and his shot, but I don’t think very many people have realised what a keen mind for strategy he has. I’ll be the first to admit that I didn’t realise until he was playing for me. BF: In hindsight, it might have been a better idea to let them stay in the dark on that one. (Laughter) LR: Maybe. But I think anyone paying enough attention will figure it out sooner rather than later. I think he’s going to make a lot of people eat their words. BF: I'm looking forward to that moment. LR: Me too. -After Hours, feat. Vancouver Canucks Coach Landon Rutger and General Manager Brian Foster

[tangosyourtek]

I can’t help myself… trick or treat? [no pressure to respond though!] [gives you candy/fun treat of choice preemptively because I love your headcanons]

Hi! And thank you so much!! 🫶

You get a treat! 🍬🍫 (I saw mischaracterization of ranchers, and I desperately need to ramble about them through the whole life series, so I apologize that this isn’t really a “headcanon.”) Also, apologies if it doesn’t really seem like a “treat” 🙈.

*~

Of course, they met before Double Life, but they never interacted for very long or spent time alone, so Double Life is where everything happened. I like the idea of Tango crushing on Jimmy in 3rd and Last Life (mainly because I love 🌹💍 erasure), but I don’t think they ever lingered on each other long enough to pass that as fact.

They got to know each other in Double Life, and it was such a great experience for them, but I don’t think they ever labeled what they had and were just “Ranchers.” Nor do I think they had enough time to consider that their growing affections were encroaching on serious levels.

Then, they were separated and didn’t have any contact. Their relationship had a big question mark on it, and they had a gaping hole in their chest where their soulbond linked. They wallowed like that for a while and busied themselves in their work. If the strain in their muscles distracted them from the ache in their chest, or the cold/scalding hot shower made them feel something for once, who will know?

By some miracle, they were reunited, and in that excitement, they didn’t care about labeling their relationship. They were so happy and relieved to see each other and felt whole again, but they had to part ways. Feelings came rushing back, as did that empty hole, and maybe some thoughts got loud.

Then, another death game.

I interpret Ranchers in Limited Life as the direct bridge between their unlabeled relationship and what they are right now. They are on opposite sides, fighting against each other, and that makes trying to navigate this relationship and talk about it hard. Did their relationship stay unlabeled because the other didn’t want it? Are they on opposite sides because they want to put it in the past and move on? They could remain kind and cordial to each other, but how long can they wait for the other to close that gap between them? I think Jimmy realized in this season that he will always be in Tango’s corner. He refused to join the hunt on Tango and refused to tell his ex that he loved him back. (I’m so incredibly proud of Jimmy at that moment. STAND YOUR GROUND, KING.) And Tango equally acknowledged that for himself. He could have gotten mad (or played a divorce arc) when the bad boys were killing him and his team, but he congratulates Jimmy instead and tells him good job.

Secret Life ranchers was so insane I can’t believe I even need to explain this… (maybe I played a part in it because I love exaggerating and talked about them “being over” all the time, BUT IN MY DEFENCE I WAS MOURNING A TEAMUP) They have an established relationship in this season, they know what they are and what they mean to each other whether that was through a conversation or went unspoken, who knows. Only they do. Jimmy goes after Tango and says he “loves his noises,” and Tango throws himself into TNT for his rancher, which was so incredibly gay. That man is down BAD. That was not a divorce arc; if anything, that said, “You’re mine, and I’m yours.”

And finally, Wild Life. It's currently ongoing, so we’ll see what more happens and if anything changes slightly (I have a lot of faith that they will still be gay lovers). But already, it’s giving vibes that they have started to be more open about their relationship and tell other people. (Everyone already knew something was up, but this physically confirms it). Like, how else am I supposed to take Mumbo saying “No! He’s with Tango!” about Jimmy? And Jimmy rushing to say they’re “just friends”; he’s definitely feeling shy and giddy about it. Maybe he also feels pleasure in dragging on the “we’re so into each other but aren’t doing anything about it” bit everyone hates to watch.

Anyway, sorry, I had to ramble. I saw someone imply that Tango is mean to Jimmy, and I definitely think it comes from their Limited/Secret Life interactions because I refuse to believe another person fell victim to the “Tango is sassy = Tango is mean” mentality.

[operationslipperypuppet]

1: Baggin’ it with Balnor: Loud Libraries, Questionable Drug PSAs, and Staying Fit w/ Pendergreens (NADDPOD Aug 5, 2020)

2: Clash of the Corn Cuties (Fantasy High, Ep. 2)

3: “…AS ANY OF YOU” Blast from the Passed (Fantasy High: Sophomore Year, Ep. 15)

4: (finishes with “Only thing that could take us out was a trip to the zoo.”) Rolling up the Hill (A Starstruck Odyssey, Ep. 2)

5: (he misspoke, had to walk back everything, and didn’t remember what it was from. this was after 10 unrelated off topic minutes on the Flintstones.) D&D Court: Bonus Cases - King Robert Can Klump (w/ Ally Beardsley) (NADDPOD Short Rest Jun 24, 2022) [this is a Patreon-exclusive but it’s so unhinged i needed to include it]

6: (including writing a letter to his former wife and expecting her to read it while he watches, then ending the conversation with this song) Leap of Faith (Neverafter, Ep. 15)

7: Everyone else gave a number that was less than 5. Murph thought they were all crazy for saying numbers so low. He said sixteen. Hearthside Chat Q&A: What’s Your Clown Tolerance? (NADDPOD Short Rest, Oct 1, 2021) [this is also a Patreon-exclusive and it’s soooo goddamn ridiculous]

8: Cult of the Trident, thinking a child was named Nana, there’s literally too much to name Trinyvale x Bahumia Mini Arc: Eps. 1-3 (NADDPOD Feb 10, 17, & 24, 2023)

9: Donkey Kong One-Shot: A Bananksgiving Special (NADDPOD, Nov 27, 2019)

10: I’m literally so sorry there are so many moments, the man is insane. if you choose this, tell us what moment, and include the episode title/source/date so we can all enjoy the unhinged moment.

[cho-aaacho]

Stupid fucking idea that me and my sister made up:

Evil Wesker but with energetic henchman reader. Kinda cartoon villain like but it was too funny me and my sister kept giggling about it.

Imagine Wesker and the reader are trying to infect the world with Uroboros and Chris keeps fucking up Wesker’s plans.

Reader is like “Cheer up boss, we’ll get Chris next time! You’ll reach godhood in no time!”

Wesker hates, but also loves the fact that they’re willing, and energetic to help him achieve his goal. Kinda protective over them.

But imagine at the end of RE5 instead of dying, Wesker is just locked up in some maximum security prison.

But it’s just a little more bearable with the reader with them.

“Aw shucks. Well we didn’t get it this time. But i’m sure next time we’ll get it! Have faith boss!”

A very small, smile itches its way onto his lips. Maybe life imprisonment wouldn’t be so bad with you around.

Haha. What a fantastic idea! I have a scenario about this. I hope you love it!

Wesker is really good at being a leader. We can see how he carries S.T.A.R.S. and how he has a good relationship with them. Despite only acting, no one can detect that at all. So he's a good actor or just a psychopath?

He has charm and charisma, and everyone seems to depend on him. His charisma allowed him to entice people to do his dirty work. Narcissists are known to be charismatic, intelligent beyond the human realm, and highly manipulative.

Even no one notices when he's hacking a Bravo team's helicopter, which is the end game for them.

However, during his days in Tricell, he found someone interesting. And it's you. He barely talks with anyone at the Tricell facility; it's not because he hates them. He just doesn't have time to chit-chat.

At the time, his mind was consumed with Spencer and, of course, Uroboros. But one day, you told him something, and it was simply a strange conversation.

You say, "Let go of anything holding you back and die. There's nothing wrong with harboring dislikes toward others."

Realizing that he was only wasting his time, he started tracking and eliminating Spencer while ambitiously pursuing the Uroboros project. You've never seen him like this before; even Irving and Excella were upset by his unusual behavior. 

Wesker even tells you about his Uroboros plans, including a backup plan in case he fails. You could not help but listen to him. Because he appears to be pleased with how you respond to him and reply to him. 

"Okay, boss, do as you wish. Even if you try to burn everything down, the world around us remains the same. But it will feel different if you are not beside me."

After facing defeat by Chris and imprisonment, he doesn't hate or feel upset. It contradicted his nature, as he despised being defeated, especially by his archenemy.

Nothing else matters to him as long as he has you...

"Hey, Wesker... it's impressive that BSAA was able to lock us up. But don't worry; it's only a mild prison. After this, Chris will lose interest in us and eventually retire. At that moment, we will shine and return. If Chris wants to stop, he will. It's human nature."

He just... smiled. It was the first time you saw him relaxed like this. Though you are not worth it for that smile, you were really happy with that little detail about him.

"It appears I have your attention, Wesker. I am pleased to see you smiling. Let us try again and see if we can defeat Chris or those who support him, friends, and families."

[doc-pickles]

sent to save me | sidney crosby (ch. 4)

series masterlist

summary: trina crosby gives her son some advice. sid and annie have a conversation about… well everything

warnings: general angst, swearing, allusions to smut but nothing graphic

author’s note: I hope y’all like this chapter. I was unsure about it for a while but I’m happy with what I ended up with. enjoy!

xoxo

nina

Geno and Anna return the next day, wide grins plastered on their faces as Nikita fawns over baby Eva. Geno pulls Sid into a long hug before letting Anna fuss over him with thanks for taking such good care of Nikita. 

When Sid returns to a silent house he lets out a sigh, sinking into one of the barstools before pulling his phone out and pressing the call button. 

“Sweetie! I’m so glad to hear from you,” Trina Crosby’s comforting voice almost pushes Sid to tears as he listens to her across the line. He wishes there weren’t 1200 miles between them so that his mom could hug him like he was a little kid again. “Sidney? What’s wrong?”

He takes a steadying breath before speaking, “I, uh, ran into Annie the other day.”

“Oh sweetheart,” Trina sighs out across the line. “I’m so sorry. Was… Is everything okay?”

“Yeah I…,” Sid hesitates for only a moment before hanging his head and groaning. “She has a seven year old daughter. Vivie… Vivienne Taylor.”

The line is silent for a moment before Trina’s soothing voice is back, “Sidney… Are you okay?”

The question finally prompts a sob from Sidney as he leans over his counter, shoulders shaking from the force of his cries. He can hear his mom shushing and comforting him over the line but he barely registers it as he slumps forward.

“Baby it’s okay,” Trina soothes as Sid’s cries lessen. “It’s okay, you’re alright.”

When he’s mostly stopped crying Trina takes the moment to speak in a low and soothing tone to her son, “I know you’re feeling every emotion under the sun but let me tell you a story. When I was pregnant with you I was worried every single day that something bad would happen to you. Your father didn’t help, in fact his worrying and fussing over me made me more anxious. I kind of retreated into myself, in my mind that was how I could protect you. And when I held you in my arms for the first time I swore nothing would ever hurt you. Of course then your father and I had the smart idea to put a pair of knife shoes on your feet and drop you onto a frozen lake to whack at a ball with a wooden stick.

“My point here is that I’m sure Annie didn’t… Didn’t mean to keep your daughter from you,” Trina sighs across the line and Sid can almost see her running a hand across her forehead. “I know Annie and I know how a mother’s mind works and it might not have been the best decision in retrospect but I truly don’t think she was trying to hurt you. Have you seen her?”

Sid chuckles and wipes at his cheeks, “Yeah she’s gorgeous. Reminds me a lot of Taylor when she was little. You’re gonna love her.”

“She’s my first grandbaby of course I’m going to love her,” Trina laughs across the line. “I have faith in both you and Annie to work this out. I know you really love her.”

“Mom-”

Trina scoffs, “Don’t try to lie to me Sidney Patrick. I know how you feel about that woman. And if this reignites things between you two I think it’ll be good for you both.”

“Thanks for the pep talk mom,” Sidney grins as Trina chuckles. “I love you.”

“I love you too. And send me some photos of my grandbaby!”

+

Later that day Sidney drives over to Annie’s house to talk. He knocks on the door, noting the bright garden out front and the hand painted flowers on the porch rails. When Annie opens the door in a simple cotton dress and bare feet his breath catches and he can’t help the stutter of his heartbeat as they meet eyes. 

“Hi,” Annie breathes out, opening the door wider. “Come on in, Vivie is sleeping over at her friends house tonight so there’s no one home.”

Sidney walks into the house, staring at the photos of Annie and Vivie on the walls. There’s pictures of a newborn Vivie, school portraits, beach vacations, and selfies of the two of them. Sid stops short when he lands on a picture of Annie with a round belly, grinning brightly up at the camera. He can tell from the background that she’s at their favorite cabin in Vermont where they’d spent hundreds of winter weekends with each other.

“Can I get you anything? 

Sid whips around to look at Annie who’s nervously fidgeting next to the kitchen island. Her home is warm and inviting, exactly what he would’ve pictured for her. 

“I’m okay,” Sid says as he walks over and settles into one of the barstools at the island. “I… Do you want to go first?”

Annie heaves a deep sigh before fixing her gaze on her hands, “I… We were still fighting when I found out I was pregnant and… God Sid everything was a mess. You were gone so much and I was home alone and I didn’t want to bring a baby into that. And then when we had that final fight… I don’t know. I know it was wrong but I didn’t want our baby to be born into that, into a world where we were fighting constantly and you were on the road all the time. It was shitty of me, so fucking shitty, and I’m so sorry but… It felt like the right thing.”

“Annie…,” Sid’s voice is low and he can tell that whatever he says next is not going to sound good. “I… You can’t just… Fuck! You knew you were pregnant when you ended things? Are you fucking serious?”

“I-”

“And even after that! You had to have known I was benched, that my career was over,” Sid stands and runs his hands through his hair angrily, turning away from Annie. “Even after that you didn’t think to tell me? When I was stuck at home and couldn’t fucking leave? When I was doing exactly what you wanted me to? I mean, fuck Annie, did you ever think of me?”

“Sid please,” Annie begs, eyes welling with tears as she desperately looks to Sid. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I swear. I just wanted to protect Vivie. I… The press were already saying that our breakup was the reason you got injured and I didn’t want Viv to be clumped in with that.”

“Bullshit!,” Sid roars and he knows he’s too loud, too angry to be having this conversation. “You could’ve told me An! You could’ve called and told me anytime between then and now. You were just fucking scared. Of what I don’t know but… But I’ll never understand why you did what you did. How you hurt me, hurt Vivie, with all of this bullshit.”

“I was scared of getting hurt too,” Annie exclaims, hands flying up as she holds back tears. “I was scared that my heart would get broken because you’d wake up one day and realize that… That Vivie and I weren’t worth it anymore.”

“Annie, why would you think that,” Sidney’s voice fills with hurt as he stares at her. “I know that I wasn’t home very much and I hate how I treated you but… God I would’ve given you the world, Ans. Anything, I would’ve given up anything for you and for Vivie. But you took that choice from me and you took it from our daughter too.”

There’s a tense moment of silence as Sidney looks up at Annie. Her face is a perfect picture of anger as she stalks towards him, her finger jabbing at his chest, “Fuck you Sidney. You don’t know shit about Vivienne, you don’t get to make decisions for her. I do! She’s my daughter!”

“And she’s mine too,” Sidney counters as he presses closer to her, Annie’s face paling at his tone. “Vivie is half me and you fucking took away any chance I had to make decisions for her, Annie. Do you get that? Do you get that I only met my daughter because my god son is her best friend? I could’ve gone my whole fucking life not knowing that there’s someone out there that’s half me and half the woman I love. How do you not see how fucked up that is?”

“I- You,” Annie stutters over her words as she stares up at Sidney with wide, watering eyes. “You… You still love me?”

Sid runs a hand through his hair and looks away from Annie before turning back to her with shining eyes, “Of fucking course I do. You stole my heart, ran away with it eight years ago and I’ve never found anyone else to fill that hole. You… You’re everything Annie, you always have been. That’s what I’m trying to tell you!”

Without any hesitation Annie leans forward and locks her lips with Sidney’s. He’s helpless to fight her off, instead wrapping his arms around her and pulling her closer. He knows that this is a bad idea, but the feeling of her in his arms after so many years is hypnotizing.

“You… Fuck Sid” Annie pants as she pulls away from him, their foreheads touching. “You’re magnetic, I can’t stay away from you.”

Sid leans back and meets her eyes, searching for any sign that this isn’t what she wants, “Tell me. Tell me to stop Annie and I will.”

“Please don’t stop,” Annie whispers, meeting his eyes. “Please Sid.”

Their lips crash together again, bodies pressed so close there’s nothing separating them but their clothes. Sid’s hands dwarf Annie’s hips as he lifts her to wrap her legs around him, their lips still locked in their heated kiss as he stumbles blindly down the hallway. 

Sidney doesn’t stop, can’t stop as he and Annie fall into bed together. The feeling of her smooth skin, the sounds of her angelic moans, the way she’s always reaching for him… It makes his heart pound in his chest, makes his breathing shallow and his head feel like. 

The feeling of Annie in his arms makes Sid feel alive for the first time in eight years. 

[this-daydream-is-dangerous-13]

Mega Question…? Analysis:

« I remember » - OOTW reference

« Good girl, sad boy/Big city, wrong choices » - « white t shirt, good girl faith, James Dean look » (Style reference)

« We had one thing going on/I swear that it was something » - « we were something don’t you think so » (the 1 reference)

« ‘Cause I don’t remember who I was before you/Painted all my nights/A color I’ve searched for since » - « we were in screaming color//you showed me colors I can’t see with anyone else » (ootw + illicit affair reference)

« But one thing after another/Lost in situations, circumstances/Miscommunications » - « and I, lost you » (maroon reference)

<< this is her giving the thoughts on their past relationship>>

« Have to say/By the way/I just may like some explanations » - this is her now in the present asking for context

« Can I ask you a question?/Did you ever have someone kiss you in a crowded room/And every single one of your friends was/Making fun of you/But 15 seconds later they were clapping too?/Then what did you do? » - « if one thing had been different, would everything be different today/rosé flowing with you chosen family/throwing pennies in the pool » (the 1 reference that signifies her trifes with the relationship that get referenced by specific occasions with others in presence »

« Did you leave her house in the middle of the night?/Did you wish you'd put up more of a fight/When she said it was too much? » - « you pick me up no headlight » (style reference) « it’s 2 am in your car/ headlights pass the window » (iwyw reference) + a metaphoric reference to if he showed up at her door like in betty

« Do you wish you could still touch ...her?/It's just a question » - this is her being snarky and asking if he still yearns for her after (probably) listening to keep driving and little freak and all of harry’s house

« Half-moon eyes, bad surprise/Did you realize, out of time/She was on your mind/With some meathead guy/That you saw that night/But you were on something/It was one drink after another » - reference to the BBMAs night in 2015 a la woman + exile

« Caught in politics and gender-roles/And you're not sure and I don't know/Got swept away in the gray » - this means how both of them got silent with each other because of things like 2016 elections, expectations from society, new relationships blah blah

« I just may like to have a conversation/Can I ask you a question? » - once again a tie in to her present state

“Include repeat of chorus”

« Does it feel like everything's just like second-best after that/Meteor strike?/And what's that, that I heard, that you're still with her/That's nice, I'm sure that's what's suitable/And right/But tonight… » - this is in reference to knowing he’s with Olivia and seeing them be together for longer than haylor (at least publically) makes her insecure in a sense that she thought she’d be his only ONE; « I hope she makes a beautiful fool, who takes my spot next to you » (happiness reference); « I’m sure that you got a wife out there » (rwylm reference)

“Another repeat of chorus”

Interestingly, the song is 3:30 long, which could be a reference to her being close to 33 when she released it….

Also, she sang it on May 20, the anniversary of Harry’s House, and dubbed it as being during a happy moment.

Anon - I have been sitting on this for ages, waiting until we got closer to the song’s anniversary to post. Thank you for your patience AND this analysis!

I have a couple things to add and a view or two that diverges but otherwise: spot on!

I think “sad boy” because he was wildly misunderstood. He had this image as a charming, British lothario and it was untrue and stifling. As we have seen over time, he is a kind, generous, loyal person who feels things deeply and is happiest even with/part of a family.

That “friends making fun of you/15 seconds later they were clapping too” line? Made me call into question Champagne Problems with the “no crowd of friends applauded” line. Ooof.

The politics and gender roles arguments? I think some had to do with her being called a sl*t and the “Madonna/whore” way she was being presented in the media (the dating too much and break up song narrative) , while he was lauded for being linked to a bunch of different women. Which—I don’t think he wanted to do, if I’m honest. He’d rather have been with her. But yeah - I don’t think 18-20 year old H fully understood the misogyny she was facing.

That bridge. Ooooof. The whole song is ambiguous enough that she could say “I wrote it about the past” but also make people wonder if it’s that’s true. She built in plausible deniability, but it’s flimsy. And she made sure we could tell its subject. I am going to go into this in another post…

But this is amazing. TYSM

[hertwood]

maybe this is a dumb question but this is the second time i’ve seen someone say something about race/ethnicity in regards to 4b and i’m still confused how it would negate its cause or intended purpose. like if only white women were participating it would mostly only be targeting white men because that’s who white women partner with the majority of the time. and it wouldn’t require like 100% or even majority participation in order to send a message. but also like i don’t even think the point is entirely to send a message it’s also just for women to know it’s an option to not be in a relationship with the people who are their oppressors under the system of oppression which is the patriarchy. idk i just have never understood why south korea being a fairly monoethnic country would make a difference in this case. like it wouldn’t work the SAME in the united states but it also doesn’t seem like it would be a bad thing. if anything the fact that mostly white women would be participating might actually be good because they would also shoulder the blowback from the men who were mad about it. it just seems like i’m seeing the diversity of women used not as a tool but as a reason not to take any action or actually doing anything subversive these days and it’s frustrating. tbh i could be reading you all wrong though and i don’t want to come across as confrontational i’m not actually annoyed with you just annoyed in general lol. anyway i’m curious to know your thoughts

Hi. If you're still here waiting for my response to this i'm gonna answer this in good faith. The funny thing is I think we're on the same page with several things! As I said in my original post i think it's great to encourage women in this country to decenter men and swear off dating, have kids with, etc etc! I think it's an important conversation to be having that being with men a) isnt required for happiness and self-fullfillment and b) may be unsafe to pursue at this time.

BUT. and any people of color are free to chime in here i literally just had the OH moment abt this watching this tiktok: in south korea, because it is very monoethnic, the difference in privilege between men and women is much more clear cut and straightforward. (Not to say there aren't any other marginalized groups OR other ethnic groups in korea, but 97% of sk is ethnically korean) But when you come to america, because there is such greater racial diversity that makes the line of oppressor and the oppressed not very clear cut. I'm not saying we have to play oppression olympics there just has to be a lot more nuance. There are plenty of white women in this country that have more privilege than men of color and thats just the truth. This sort of nuance is not going to affect the korean 4b movement because of the country's large monoethnicity.

also just from a generally speaking point: if your feminism is not also actively anti-racist, it is not and will never be For All Women. so i absolutely encourage anyone who wants to decenter men in their lives to do it, but that CANNOT be the end of your activism if you actually care about ALL women you also have to be sticking up for women of color, queer women, trans women, disabled women, undocumented women ALL the other marginalized groups that will be negatively affected by trump.

and you should also be wanting to help and support marginalized men too! even before the election i was seeing 4b get traction on tiktok and it was really buying into this gender essentialist, all men are evil cut all men out of your life ideology, which i think it objectively BAD. Radical feminism is BAD. the idea that men are inherently bad and women are inherently good is BAD.

and that's what's really off putting about it all to me. yes sure, decentering men is good, but it by putting it as the "4b" movement it's attracting really radical and bad ideas imo. the korean 4b movement is also SUPER TRANSPHOBIC. when your movement is borrowing for literal terf ideology its hard for trans people to feel allied by yall.

in conclusion yes please sure dont date marry sleep with or have kids with men! that's a great choice to make in these times for your personal safety! but 4b is a bad ideology to be sharing terminology with AND there is much much much more meaningful activism to be done!!

[melkor-did-nothing-wrong]

Hullo!

Just wanted to say that your blog is really cool! I’ve been back on and off in my Tolkien hyperfixation recently (mainly Silm but overall also works), and yours is one of the few that caught my eye, esp with the pinned post :)

Tho, I’m sorry that you seem to be attacked for shipping Angbang “wrong”, that’s just sad

Just because you have a different outlook on things doesn’t give others the right to attack you for it. But, some people apparently don’t have enough empathy and/or sympathy to see that :/

I know it’s so much easier said than done, but try ignoring those people? They will have a problem no matter what you do, the way I see it, so might as well enjoy the thing you do regardless, since it’s not hurting anybody, right?

So… I hope you have a good timezone, and hopefully people will educate themselves on basic kindness and respect soon :)

- Dragon Anon

Been sitting on this one for a few days without posting because I needed to stare at it one on one and think how to best reply to it.

Unfortunately, time did not help as I have nothing wittier or more thought provoking to say to any of your points than I did upon receiving this so I may as well post this now rather than have you waiting.

I could apologize for this blog catching your interest, rather than all the good ones. I could apologize because I produce no stunning art or amazing fics beloved by all and have no large variety of silm ships to offer you. This was supposed to be an Ainur blog more broadly, but hard times directed me to my comfort ship within the silm and I've stuck with posting it to the detriment of all else for... a while. There are so many wonderful silm blogs for you to find and enjoy. With more Ainur and Eldar and dwarves and men. Some of them I wish with all my heart would tag content relating to specific ships or characters so I could filter it more easily and join the rest of the community in enjoying them as well.

While I'm personally exhausted to the point of snapping at the prospect of being harassed over my ship takes, I do need to remember that this is the internet, and someone out there will always use the veil of anonymity to bring others down. And naturally, if there has to be one specific and certain ship within this fandom which gets all the mockery and vitriol for being "the one people should be discouraged from shipping", I suppose it's only natural for it to be the one with the bad people in it, rather than a more beloved ship favored by more people. And if anyone within that "bad" ship is going to get hate, of course the easiest target is some autistic foreigner whose takes are generally bizarre in the eyes of the wider public ("What?! someone who did something BAD is capable of FEELINGS?!?!? and of maintaining a happy relationship?!? how dare you!"). People see any nuance given to villains, any nuance given to villains in a RELATIONSHIP, heck, people see any joy and genuine love attributed to these characters and they just have to pounce.

I just never understood why every other Villain loves Villain ship in any and all fandoms on the planet get more grace and nuance than this one. Silm is largely supposed to be the more "adult" fandom in the legendarium. We have no visual media to popularize it, so it remains in the hands of the older fans who read the book and had to sit down with their thoughts about what was written in it. And yet other fandoms, including ones aimed at children or young teens are more accepting and less judgmental of their peers when it comes to shipping some fictional meanies.

Ignoring them IS difficult. Every time I get a notification about an ask in my inbox or a direct message, of course I want to assume the best. I welcome the prospect of an open conversation with anyone who agrees OR disagrees with me and I want to leave the door open to people who want to change my mind or even their own mind, in good faith. It's just aggravating to see that half of them are simply offensive for the sake of being offensive. Because I'd post them if they didn't have nasty terms in them aimed at real living people. I'd have the conversation. Instead, it's nothing but a demotivation campaign that drains me of my desire to interact with the wider fandom or post my own ideas anywhere. But I suppose you're right. No matter what I do, how hard I try to fit myself to one opinion or another, some people will still never be happy about it. The sooner I make my peace with it, the better. Maybe one day it will be easier to do. Maybe one day I'll get there on my own.

Regardless, thank you for all of this.

[ruminate88]

Healing Journal 06/26/24: More Discoveries

I was backing out of my driveway yesterday and right into an Amazon driver but he was in a regular car, not a truck…. (Thank God) he shouldn’t have been parked in the middle of the street but I guess I was more scatter brained than I realized. I was SO sure the street was clear before I backed out. (I was wrong) The craziest part of it all, the bump against his car was so small and did no real damage. The guy was overly nice about it and said not to worry. I drove away feeling SO FREAKIN TERRIBLE. I beat myself up off and on through out the whole day. I was even more upset to tell my husband about it… but why??

I thought my husband would be upset at me and yell at me… In all my relationships, my exes made me feel bad at every turn. Everything was my fault. Andrew’s stress and fears in college was some how my problem. I was the reason he was going to fail. I couldn’t just share my feelings with him freely. It all goes even deeper than him. Jake was very very critical on me at every turn. Always in my face for YEARS telling me what I’m doing wrong in my life!! But it goes even DEEPER than Jake, back to when I’m in school and made to feel stupid. Made to believe I can do nothing on my own unless a teacher’s aid helps me. I’ve been helpless before. Now I’m grown and doing things for myself!!! I was always scared to drive a car because I never felt smart and didn’t wanna hurt anyone. The fact I am driving at all is a testament to my own strength and smarts if I would just believe in myself. 🥺🫶🏻👏🏻👍🏻

I told myself the right thing do is tell my husband as soon as I get home but inside my head, I’m already prepared for him to be upset and already shielding myself!! 🫣 Yet, I don’t have to. Sure, my husband doesn’t want me hurt, my car damaged or to have to pay for damage on someone else’s car but once I told him the other car was fine and let me go, my husband dropped it. Doesn’t mean he’s happy for what I did but he did NOT yell or put me down. In that moment I started to converse in my head and remind myself, “Your husband is a good guy and not like your exes. Relax.”

My trust has been broken so much in the past, I struggle to even trust myself BUT how do you have a life after betrayals if you DO NOT trust again?? It’s almost a gamble for me. Putting faith in my husband is scary but that’s the only way I can have a relationship with him. He’s started to play Pokémon go again and decided last night he wanted to walk to our park and play an event that lasted an hour. I was already in my pjs and about to clean up dinner. I didn’t go with him and I instantly battle in my head. He told me where he was going and when he would be back…. He followed through as he always does. So, I told myself “You either trust him and make this relationship work or you push him away.”

THEN there is other side of all this where I almost carelessly feel, “If he is lying like Andrew did, then so be it. It’s out of my control.” I mean, my mom has repeatedly tried to convince me my husband doesn’t have time to cheat but I KNOW men can find ways to cheat and you won’t even know it. Only from experiences and heartbreaks, do I feel this way truly. The problem is within me. Not just my husband but trusting the world in general. You don’t see life the same way after emotional abuse. You see people in a very negative light and it’s really unfair because one or two bad apples should not ruin the whole bunch. Right?

Also, I’m my own worst critic. I was so hard on myself after backing into another car because growing up I never felt smart enough or good enough. Jake, Cody and Andrew made me feel just horrible about myself. As an impact of their treatment towards me, I subconsciously accepted their lies and believed I’ve not been good. I’ve never felt like I should have really nice stuff. I feel guilty when I do get nice gifts from people or when people do things for me. I want to give and struggle to recieve. I know what it’s like to be used by selfish individuals and I’m terrified to be selfish, cold or to mistreat anyone. I always fear I’ll hurt my husband and his wonderful parents because I’m so angry at myself and my past. I LOVED Cody and Andrew soooo much and it just feels awful to know they only saw me as this weak and pathetic object they can sexualize and abuse. I KNOW I had worth. That’s why they wanted me to start with. They wanted to feel my worth in their own selves and couldn’t so they tried to tare me down and keep me from feeling my own worth.

Making all these incredible discoveries allows me food for thought. I’ve been hurt sooooo much it’s like I wait for it to happen every day. I feel I give myself to my husband and then deep in the back of my mind, I want to take it back cuz I’m vulnerable and unsure of my reality. I don’t wanna self sabotage anymore. I’ve done it since a child. Always rushing to put my own self down so when others do it, I don’t hurt as bad. It’s amazing to me how life keeps throwing me lesson after lesson and some lessons I get right away and others I have to break them down and visualize them before it makes sense. I STILL would not hurt Andrew as much as he’s wounded me. I know part of me says, “you’re just defending your ex abuser” BUT I mean, my love was pure and genuine. I’m working to regain my trust, my love and respect for myself and my marriage.

ONE DAY AT A TIME ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹