#this is the real reason i hate giving my disorder by name if you even care. it is specifically this treatment

[kkoct-ik]

i dont think i will ever forgive what the internet did to DID because please explain to me how "your sense of self is so torn apart you think youre multiple people" turned into "youre actually multiple people"

do you understand what i mean? please understand what i mean

[interstellarsystem]

Plurality and Suffering

This was going to be a reblog to someone else's post, but this deserves its own. My wording might be slightly weird because I'm having some disorganised thinking, ask to clarify if you need.

People online have such an issue with plurals presenting themselves as happy, or enjoying the fact that they're a system in the slightest. If you're not all doom and gloom, people just... Assume you're faking it for fun? As if plurals have to share their suffering online? As if they have to suffer?

"You're clearly treating plurality like its all fun and games! Look at all these silly, lighthearted posts! Not a hint of distress or trauma! How can you be diagnosed with DID when you're clearly not disordered?"

Do you ever stop to think for more than 5 seconds about personal safety? There's people who hate systems left and right, cringe subreddit posters, and generally people who would take that information and use it against you in some way. You don't share your personal name and address online, so why should we share the ins and outs of our daily struggles? Our trauma in any amount of detail? Anything that could be used to hurt or manipulate us further?

Not only is no one else entitled to that information, but it's not safe to share in a place where strangers can see it. We don't share a list of our triggers for the same reasons--we don't want to hand out the keys to our trauma to anyone who happens to see us online.

Not every plural has to suffer either, mind you. So many types of systems tend to not struggle due to their plurality or even anything remotely related to it, and that's okay! You don't need to suffer to be real, suffering isn't a prerequisite to being plural. I'm not even just talking about nondisordered systems here either.

Systems with CDDs can heal. DID, OSDD, DDNOS, anything. They can get to a point where life is worth living if it didn't feel like it already. It could be through final fusion, but it could also be through learning to live together happily as a collective. They can get to a point where the major suffering of the past is far behind. Having a dissociative disorder is NOT a death sentence, I promise you. Things can get better, either through therapy, or medication or just time and learning itself--all while still remaining happily plural.

Acting like disabled people (or even a subgroup of them) will never ever be able to live a life with any happiness or one even worth living at all is an ableist argument used to support so many horrible things thrown toward disabled people of all kinds. It's a few steps away from saying we need to be put out of our misery because we can never live a meaningful, happy life. We've seen this exact argument used against all kinds of mentally or physically disabled people, saying it's cruel to keep them living. And that's absolutely ridiculous.

It's so sad that these sentiments are common in CDD spaces. Yes, there are struggles that come with the disorder, but you can heal. The idea that you will never be okay is a lie. You might not be at a neurotypical level of functioning, but you can be happy, and you can be happy being plural. You are worth it, your disorder doesn't change that, and neither does the general community vibe of "everyone has to suffer and hate their system". You can be happy, you can love your system, you can grow together and make life what you want it to be.

Being a system of any kind is never, EVER a sign that your life will never be good. It's never a sign that you can never feel happy again. It's never a sign that you should just give up. And being required to show off how much you struggle in order to have the basic amount of respect--people just simply believing that you experience what you say you do--is absolutely ridiculous. You don't need to suffer at all, and if you are suffering, you don't need to do it forever--much less share that with people who could use it against you.

Do better, for yourselves and for others in your community. It's okay to be in pain, it's okay to wish things were different, it's okay to share experiences and gather support, but it's not okay to act like no one who is plural could ever have happiness in their life, or claim that those who don't suffer as much as you are fake. Stop spreading the sentiment that suffering is the only way.

[sophieinwonderland]

Reminder That System Medicalism is a Religion: Exhibit A, @theinfernalcollective

This is pretty typical sysmed rhetoric.

And in typical sysmed fashion, has no sources to back it up whatsoever! As always, sysmeds rely on an argument by assertion. Facts just aren't on their side.

Never have been, never will be.

So they give a couple sources.

First is the DSM which doesn't say trauma is needed in all cases of DID, only that it's associated with trauma. It makes no such claim for OSDD-1 being associated with trauma at all. And on top of that, doesn't even mention the word system. Which is pretty big since most endogenic systems don't have a dissociative disorder and don't claim to.

Basically, it's a nothing source that doesn't back up what they claim it does.

As for Dr Candy Fox...

There's no evidence she actually said this.

And she has yet to respond to the message I sent her website. (Because yes, I did send her a message on her site to see if she actually agreed with this.)

But based on the context, it seems pretty obvious she would have been talking about dissociative identity disorder, not "being a system."

Now, before going any further into this conversation, let's take a step back and remember The Infernal Collective asking the anon to name a single psychiatrist, obviously expecting they wouldn't be able to.

How did THAT go?

Oh right, it's how it always goes when you meet a sysmeds' goalposts!

Did you expect anything different?

"This psychiatrist saying you can be plural without trauma doesn't count because he's talking about transgender people."

"And also the screenshots of his peer-reviewed book that was published by the American Psychiatric Association are posted on a site I don't like."

So when linked to an email from a dissociative expert, someone with 40 years of experience treating dissociative identity disorder, they again retreat to just... not liking the website the image is posted on?

And again, their source for Dr. Candy Fox was just something they allegedly heard in person during evaluationMeanwhile this is an actual email, with one of the foremost DID experts in the world!

Also, for the love of the gods, Transgender Mental Health does NOT say "transgender make plurality." Actually read the thing!!!

But hey, now that I'm done with that particular conversation and got what I need to make my point, I'll confess! All these anons were me!

Reminder, again, their source was "my doctor said it, trust me bro!"

And while I only named a couple doctors over the course of that conversation, I could have dropped so many more!

The fact is, it's not hard to look at a link and read the screenshots therein. Here, I'll even post the pics!

And in case you're thinking that they just trust Dr. Candy Fox's opinion so much and hold her in such high regard...

Nope.

But then...

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BASING YOUR BELIEFS ON?

Because it's not psychiatry. You can't cite a single doctor anywhere who has said you can't be a system without trauma!

System Medicalism is a Religion!

Sysmeds, like transmeds, do not base their bigotry in science or rationality. They do not follow the opinions of experts.

It's a religion to them! The Church of the Holy Trauma believes that Trauma and only Trauma has the might to bestow plurality upon the few chosen. And their faith is so unshakable because they've been told this by random uneducated nobodies on the internet, and it just feels true.

And because their FAITH in this idea is so strong, no amount of studies will change their mind. No amount of doctors coming forward to support endogenic systems. No amount of literal brain scans will convince them endogenic systems are real. As the saying goes, you can't reason someone outs of a position they didn't reason themselves into in the first place.

In the end, sysmeds continue to be an anti-science hate group with a religious devotion to their ideology of hate.

And this whole disaster is just another example of that.

[antiproshipconfessions]

TW: ableism, antisemitism accusation, harassment (since they think it's ok to accuse me of having NPD despite not being a psychiatrist and that I'm also not their client that can be able to get diagnosed with the disorder. Their claim of being "neutral" towards me is them just indirectly mocking me for not believing in narcissistic abuse (they had the nerve to say I'm the one who is taking things so personally when I rant/vent a lot but they can't handle being called the exact thing they're doing). The sus shit they said is how they want to yeet people into the sun for disagreeing with their ableist takes and they're all "assholes" for it.)

Been real glad that yesterday, the anti-anti that was a former mutual of mine is no longer on here including their side blog!

Not quite sure if it's because they got banned or choose to delete both of their pages. My theory is because they got fed up with the backlash they got from people who are starting to recognize that they're far from a nice person. They did say they were gonna stay on Tumblr after all and not leave as intended...

I hope other people they hurt by being blatantly ableist are doing ok since I'm not the only person they emotionally attacked (they themselves from what I remember denied being this just because their ableism was directed at people who had NPD, even tried claiming it's ok to separate narcissism away from NPD (you can't separate those terms, where would narcissistic personality disorder get its name from? Out of the blue?). I hated how they dragged a great meme into their bullshit to try so hard to make themselves the victim for being that a lot.

I got the screenshots on what I was getting called out by them if you do get curious on what it was (and the last thing they did recently that involved them accusing my mutual of being antisemitic just because they claimed to got blocked by them for not giving them a chance to explain things, I mean with the attitude they had in said callout... could you even blame them for not wanting to hear them out and also not support them for causing my mental health to spike down due to that?). If you were wondering, my old username was bbjxencanto-blogger, they didn't notice that I got a username change after blocking me when they decided to indirectly mention me for some reason to explain why they're absent from the internet:

.

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

my horrible horrible Batman/bruce Wayne headcannons

He’s half Sicilian and half Jewish. I will take this to my actual grave/srs

the real reason he can walk away and fight people with broken bones and while bleeding out is because he has an undiagnosed pain disorder. Like the one where you can’t feel pain at all. And has never realized it ever, and the batfam are completely oblivious too. Thomas Wayne (his dad) had it and never noticed either.

he sings songs to his kids, but really really bad covers. On purpose. He also has a secret YouTube music channel called “bats in the belfry” where he uploads his good guitar/vocal covers. He accidentally goes viral, and juggles a triple life as a semi-famous songwriter and singer. No one knows it’s him though, not even the league.

Thomas gave bruce all his old medical texts, and used to teach him first aid when he was little. little bruce loved it so much.

bruce actually has his doctorate in chemistry, engineering, medicine, biology, botany, and he took some random courses about the bats of Gotham and then studied veterinary medicine.

he proudly displays his many doctorates he earned in the same 3 years, in the library where no one see them.

his best friend forever is Harvey dent, even though Harvey and Harv are twoface. he does not care and randomly rocks up to his house with some good brandy, and invites them to his house always and forever.

bruce is actually a good dad, he's just also oblivious and accidentally hurts his kids feelings.

he actually hates being called bruce, and considers it his deadname. he actually one time when he was poisoned got out the name change forms filled them out with the name Bat Bruce Wayne and got his name changed and then he started feeling better after being poisoned he realised that he changed his legal name to Bat Wayne and he could not change it back. he tries to lie about it but he still has to sign forms with his legal name, no one has figured it out yet. everyone just assumes Bat Wayne is like his 9th kid or something.

bruce despite being rich as balls actually hates being rich with a passion, and literally throws his money at anything he can. when he was younger he tried desperately to get rid of all his money via charities, investing in local Gotham shops and chains, and literally paying for any health or medical care thing he could. sadly that only made the entire city of Gotham love him, and sadly he just got 30x the money he put in. and he still doesn't know how. it basically turned into a one upping where bruce tried everything he could to get rid of his money but all that happened was people started to love and adore Wayne tech and Wayne industries, and bruce Wayne's constant stream of donations to literally every single charity he could shove money in their hands. it backfired horribly and now he has a LEGION of international Bruce Wayne fans who literally give him money. he hates every single moment.

he has a weird thing going on with joker, they made out a couple times and they both refuse to ever bring it up. (bruce would have killed him if he didn't kinda have the hots for him and thought he couldn't be redeemed.)

he singlehandedly is keeping all of Gothams diverse bat species alive and well, he also has like 1,000s of pet bats in the batcave.

his favourite colour is actually yellow, but he just likes that black is stealthy.

he actually has tons and tons of scars, and no one really knows because bruce always wears fingerless gloves and long sleeves. they just think it's a fashion statement, bruce just likes covering up his scars.

he started a conspiracy that batman was actually not real and just a cryptid, he leans even more into it as Bruce Wayne.

he picks up all his kids and spins them around at random, because he loves keeping them on their feet.

he's low-key on and off dating both Catwoman and Harvey, while having work husband Clark Kent be his teammate.

the media completely forgets bruce literally has multiple doctorates some times. and when he publishes any work he does everyone is like "oh look it's Bruce Wayne, not THE Bruce Wayne of Wayne tech. science Bruce Wayne of the same name. because the playboy billionaire doesn't publish in scientific journals" and then one time he was invited to give a lecture on poison ivy's plants and the critically endangered Gotham wild rose of which there is only one left and of which he is currently keeping safe in his plant house. anyway everyone was fucking shocked and bruce put on his serious scholarly tone and started talking. while in a yellow Gotham U jumper with coffee stains on it while looking like he was in a car crashes aftermath only moments earlier. (he just forgot to set his bones again.)

bruce has autism and OCD. his special interest is gray ghost, and he fucking hates bright lights. (sun glasses indoors kinda guy)

bruce keeps like 50 photos of his kids in his wallet, 1: because it's funny 2: because he does not bring a phone with him anywhere.

and lastly, when he was doing his tour around the world to learn all types of fighting and escapism. he also learned he was horrible at cooking, just downright destructive.

[schizopositivity]

Hey, I hope your doing ok and I love your posts, even though I don’t have schizophrenia your posts help me see from other perspectives and be more open minded and considerate.

So anyway in the past week I came across two posts from two different people that were on tik tok that said (jokingly) “none of these people know I have schizophrenia” and it was a picture of an empty room.

I felt the need to share this and I was wondering what your opinion on these “jokes” are. but I don’t get how people can say people with schizophrenia are evil and then turn around and make harmful jokes about it.

And I don’t know if you have tik tok or see any posts like these but I was wondering how you deal with them (or how I should deal with them)

I don’t have tik tok and I refuse to download it but posts like these give me anxiety I do try to avoid these posts but when they cross my path I get angry and upset and I wish these people were educated enough to not make these jokes.

I hope this makes sense and I you have a good day

Thank you! I'm always grateful to see nonschizophrenics follow this blog just to get a new perspective, it brings me hope that people without the experience can still have enough respect and understanding to listen to people like me.

And yes, I am very aware of these types of "jokes". It's common enough to have the name "schizoposting" and I hate it so much. That particular joke has been done many, many times, and the punchline is the person with schizophrenia. These types of "jokes" range from making fun of symptoms like hallucinations, making fun of people who take antipsychotics, or triggering delusions just because people think it's funny. (Sidenote a lot of these "jokes" seem to think hallucinations are usually like seeing full people for long enough, and not being scared by them enough that they are your friend, when that actually isn't a very common hallucination at all and I think that idea comes from misrepresentations in the media.)

I hate these "jokes" for a few reasons. First they are making fun of real mentally ill people who can, and do see these posts. I do not see what's funny about making fun of serious symptoms that people actually suffer with. I didn't choose to have these symptoms or this disorder, it's not funny to me at all. I honestly don't see "jokes" at the expense of people with any other mental disorder by people who don't have the disorder nearly as often as I see jokes about schizophrenics by nonschizophrenics. I've never even looked for them and they just show up. My partners TikTok (which they don't use to look up any schizophrenia content) will just have them pop up. And I rarely see any backlash to this content that I would expect in this time where a lot more people are aware of mental illnesses and mistreatment of those who have them. Secondly, these "jokes" seem to assume that actual schizophrenic people won't see them, or they just don't care. Honestly a lot of people don't realize that schizophrenic people actually exist and actually participate in life and online. Thirdly the "jokes" that purposely trigger delusions/unreality can be very harmful to psychotic people. Once again this isn't funny at all. Fourthly this just adds a new layer of stigma to the already highly stigmatized disorder of schizophrenia. We are still seen as dangerous and scary, and also just existing, taking our meds and having symptoms is funny to people who don't experience it. I honestly have very rarely, if ever see people who are not psychotic stand up for psychotic people online, it seems much more people are willing to just laugh at us.

For people like you who are not schizophrenic and see this content online anywhere, please report it as harassment and don't leave a comment/reply. Even if you are commenting to educate, the algorithm will just see this as engagement and possibly push it out to more people.

For anyone reading this who is schizophrenic/psychotic and you see this content, report it if you feel comfortable with that, and block the account.

These "jokes" shouldn't exist, and everyone should be able to see how rude and sanist they are.

For me, when I see these posts I get angry, but I try not to look at them too long, and I don't attempt to educate those people. It's not worth my time or energy and I think if everyone with respect for schizophrenic people just ignored them it would be helpful. Unless you personally know someone who is posting these "jokes" and they can listen to you, you can try to educate them. Honestly it comes down to letting nonschizophrenic people know that schizophrenic people are human beings that deserve basic respect, because they may have never been told that before.

[idkfitememate]

It’s early so I’m bound to be a bit off but here’s one of my takes/theorys/headcannons on BSD Mori

WARNING!!! PEDOPHILIA IS A MAIN TOPIC OF THIS DISCUSSION!!! BE WARNED!!!

(Another reminder, I am a minor so if you don’t agree or dislike it? Please don’t send hate.)

Mori is very confirmed to be a Pedo/Lolicon, that is super established yes. But we've never gotten real true evidence that he's hurt a child in that way.

He's never touched a child.

Never done anything of that nature to a child.

From what I can tell, he enjoys the natural naïveté and innocents of children, and corrupting it - which to be fair is what a lot of pedo’s like. But in his specific case he enjoys preforming in other means.

It’s like an abusive relationship where one partner toys with the other for their own sexual gratification while ultimately braking the other.

The only time we've ever seen him around a child with even a hint of sexual connotation was the scene where he was dressing Elise, but that wasn't a sexual scene, if anything it was just displaying "Look it's the Pedo hate him hate him!!!"

Vita Sexualis makes Mori's perfect partner come to life and able to preform impossible tasks, but he still has control, and from what we've seen from his and Elise's appearances is that he enjoys that innocence, maybe a hint of brattiness, but nothing inherently sexual.

Is he still in the wrong? Absolutely. It's disgusting to want a romantic relationship with a child, even with no sexual attraction, but it's interesting to think about.

A pedo with no real sexual attraction to children, only 'genuine love'. He enjoys dressing them, having control over them, feeding them, so on and so forth - like a father but with romantic affection.

Nothing sexual.

Also that fact that he seems to be specifically a Pedophile, not a Hebephile or a Ephebephile. Elise isn't over ten, and Yosano was eleven. While technically eleven falls into the Hebephile range, it's safe to assume he most likely likes kids - specifically pre-pubescent kids. On top of that the fact he's straight - He showed no attraction to Dazai whatsoever, considering Dazai is both a man and was pubescent - at the very least just pubescent - when they first encountered.

People who are Hebephile's are usually explained away by letting the most primitive parts of their brain have control, as Hebephile's are those who like children who have just hit puberty - otherwise know as ready to bear/give children. Those who are Ephebephile's like children who have just passed puberty - I.e. 15-18. They are commonly placed with Pedophile's in terms of wrongdoing because there's physically no reason to like children in that stage.

Mori is by definition a Pedophile, a man who likes children that are prepubescent, ranging from about 5 to 10/11 years old. Not sexually, but is still attracted.

Pedophilia is commonly tracked as a mental disorder/illness, that has been proven to be curable at times. The reason for this being that in no way shape or form should a sane or healthy mind be able to conceive that a full adult should be attracted to a child.

Pedophilia is a trait passed down, some studies have even suggested it may be genetic on top of being traumatic.

So more likely than not, Mori was either:

A) Abused himself

B) Related to a pedophile

Or worst of all

C) Both

And judging by his twisted mindset I wouldn't be surprised if it was C.

My IRL Friend asked: “Wasn't Elise's form an older one until after Mori encountered Yosano in that war?”

To answer that question, Elise was much more compliant and had less of a personality before Yosano. After Mori had met Yosano, she took on the brashness and brattiness Yosano had. I've yet to see anything naming an age change, but it still stands to say Mori is best classed as a Pedophile over anything else because that would mean Elise aged down.

Another thing, people commonly fall in love with others that remind them of past abusers, and I've been thinking about this for a while. We get our attractions from many different sources that tend to leave impressions on us.

And that's not to say that Mori didn't get his likes from other sources - I.e. personality from Yosano/Dazai, but what about Elise's looks. It's very reasonable to assume that he got those likes from outside sources.

But it's also common to try and romanticize or humanize past abuses.

Elise - as I said - was very robotic and blank before Mori met Yosano & Dazai, even referring to Mori as 'Master', and he didn't seem to have much care for her. But she looked the same.

It's likely that Mori took the looks of a past abuser - perhaps the one who passed the Pedophilic trait to him - and humanized her by giving her the traits of Yosano/Dazai.

And although names don't mean much in Lore for BSD, Elsie is a very foreign name for a Japanese person to name someone. Perhaps that was the name of the woman who hurt him, and he simply passed it down.

She most likely would've acted like Dazai and Yosano in a way - albeit much more twisted - but enough so that Mori was able to humanize her by taking those traits.

This could be a way to get back at her for the abuse done, a long winded revenge story.

He could also simply be continuing the cycle - as we've seen he love starting and continuing those.

Does any of this justify his actions? Hell to the no, but it gives them an explanation over 'Oh look a lolicon/Pedophilie point and laugh at how disgusting he is!!!"

(I wrote this all at like 3 am so if anything is spelled wrong or grammatically incorrect please let me know!!… God I love Mori sm it’s not good or healthy-)

[npdmonoma]

Can "narcissistic abuse" be something we consider outside of people with NPD? I don't believe in PDs at all as someone who's been diagnosed with one, and I'm very anti psychiatry. However mechanisms of what's described as "narcissistic abuse" are real phenomena and I'm wondering if we can address these situations without linking it to a diagnosis or condemning people as permanently and irreparably broken because they're making those choices in one context

Actually read some more posts on your blog and I think I found an answer that satisfies me in this topic ... I think the move forward would be to unlink certain constellations of behavior (gaslighting, DARVO, etc.) From having a PD. Honestly recognizing that someone who abused me was likely struggling with NPD made it easier to find empathy for them but I still had questions in my mind about how to address this specific pattern

I added your second ask here so I can address them both at the same time. Starting with your statement about not believing in personality disorders due to being anti-psychiatry, this is a statement I both do and don't agree with. All mental health diagnoses are created by psychiatrists by observing patterns of behavior that they label as aberrant and give a name to. So in that sense, they're "not real" because NPD isn't some objective observable thing. However, as long as anyone finds value in using that framework to understand themselves and hopefully begin healing, it should continue to exist as a concept. I personally find incredible value in the diagnosis, and have made significant strides toward healing and becoming a better person since I started applying that concept to myself.

That being said, I do believe in psychiatric abolition. What you said about not labeling people as inherently broken is part of my dissatisfaction with the state of mental healthcare. People with personality disorders can heal, even if our disorders never fully leave us. There's also reason to believe that the idea that personality disorders almost never go into full remission is either partially or fully false. Either way, we aren't broken. Or at least, we aren't required to view ourselves as such.

Second, you're absolutely correct that the things that get labeled as "narcissistic abuse" are real phenomena. I have never, and will never, deny that people who call themselves narcissistic abuse survivors have experienced abuse. I honestly believe that they did. However, those phenomena aren't inherently linked to NPD. I have yet to see an example of "narcissistic abuse" that wasn't just a textbook example of (usually emotional) abuse. There is no need to call it narcissistic, you can just call it abuse. That's what it is.

And yes, you're very correct that we need to disconnect patterns of abuse from personality disorders. We shouldn't be linking any mental illness/neurodivergence to abusive behavior. All that does is cause stigma that leads to people being hated for something they can't really control, and something that oftentimes was done to them. I don't deserve to be hated for what my abusers turned me into. No one does.

I'm glad you were able to find understanding and empathy for your abuser, as that seems to have been healing for you. I'm genuinely happy for you. However, the fact that in your case you learned something about your abuser that gave you context for what happened doesn't mean that thing is inherently linked to abuse in general. My father was likely autistic, and I can see how this played into his abuse of me. And yet, I would never say he abused me autistically, because he didn't. He just abused me. There are abusers in every demographic that exists, but that doesn't mean that the entire demographic gets discarded. People who have never abused anyone don't deserve to be called abusers, especially when they're abuse victims themselves.

Thank you for your curiosity and for having an open mind about this. I appreciate you taking the time to think this through, and I'm glad I was able to help in some way. My apologies if I went over something you already figured out for yourself, but I figured it was best to be thorough.

[madqueenalanna]

sorry (lie) to defend hate crimes md but. i think a lot of 2020s discourse misses the context within which the show originally operated. and this is NOT to say "well racist jokes were funny back then" cause that is NOT my point. my point is all the stuff that isn't the racist jokes

like, house md started airing one year before supernatural and bones, two other shows i'm deeply familiar with. supernatural is rife with casual homophobia, racism, misogyny, you name it. bones is so deeply entrenched in boot-sucking post-9/11 government that it's almost unwatchable these days. house... isn't very topical. he makes a lot of 80s references, or older. there are maybe two troop episodes? but let's be real we've been in the middle east so long that hardly dates it. and like, what does the show house md have to say beyond house's personal bad actions?

prisoners on death row deserve respect. homeless people deserve the same treatment as anyone else. mental health conditions like schizophrenia (presumed or otherwise) or munchausens don't disqualify people from actually being sick. being fat is sometimes a symptom instead of a cause, and people overlook genuine health concerns in favor of blaming obesity for everything. orthodox jewish beliefs deserve respect, while christian grifting should be mocked. there is significant, murky overlap between chronic pain and opioid addiction and there is no easy middle ground (the show itself muddles this point repeatedly, to be fair). autism is more akin to another language than anything else, and autistic people deserve to be met where they're at. abortion UP UNTIL BIRTH is acceptable, even desirable given circumstances. it is acceptable, even preferable, to repeatedly defraud insurance companies and bureaucracies if it's in the best interest of the patient. eating disorders are dangerous/fatal and should be treated as such

like, i get it. a lot of aspects of this show have not aged well, particularly the main sell of "edgy epic atheist" house, which WAS a very mid-00s type of character. and i'm as guilty as anyone as doing pepe silvia on this show to make it sound epic (like here) but i do genuinely believe i'm not wrong. even if you don't read house/wilson as romantic, and you don't need to, their relationship is so intense that it eclipses either of their various romantic entanglements. wilson went through 3 ex-wives and an ex-fiancee, house gave up on at least 3 significant relationships. house gave up his vicodin, his medical license, his entire life so that wilson didn't have to die alone. how can that not be poignant, even now? how can anyone deny the emotional impact of that? fuck your destiel, fuck your good omens. you didn't earn eight years of THIS

rambling as usual but i'm right. this show can be a really difficult watch at times for cringe reasons but it can also be so unusually astute that it takes the breath away. what other show, especially in 2005, was giving the circle speech from "lines in the sand"? that episode aired the same year as supernatural's racist truck or bones' "troops did friendly fire but iraq was still justified" penultimate ep. can i say house was a GOOD show? idk. but it raised a lot of interesting points and had a lot of against-the-grain compassion that i still find sorely lacking even now, 20 years later

[thehumanexperience8b]

November 1st, 2024: Halloween!

Happy Halloween, LOVELY!!!

This was the first year that I haven't gone trick-or-treating. I have RESPONSIBILITES, and a real job now! I never continued my work on the farm, I can start working there again in summer of 2025 I suppose according to the internship program. At first work at the kitchen was hard. My anxiety disorder caused a lot of... disorder! But after two days, which I was told where probably the worst days of the year to start training, I contacted management to see if I could switch to another department. My hiring manager told me maybe I could give it another try, and just focus on one thing at a time. So now I make grinders! Following the footsteps of my mom who worked at Subway apparently! And I think I made a new friend! Well actually, I really enjoy the company of all my coworkers. That's probably the main reason I didn't leave, because the two boys who trained me the most (shout-out to Kevin and Nate!) where very understanding and helped me to feel like I wasn't in the way. I also formally met this guy who worked in the deli department, his name is Evan. HELLO EVAN! If you're reading this..! (I gave him a link to my blog.. or maybe I didn't. I'm writing this in the past by the time you're reading this.) Very interesting guy, we have so much in common! And don't worry, I made sure all my coworkers knew I was insane before I started having actual conversations with them. Sorry not sorry! I'm going to be myself and I hate small talk! Still hard to believe I even got hired in the first place. My best friend told me that everyone she knows tried working there, but she was surprised I got hired. Backhanded compliment much?! Just kidding, it's okay! She's right, I don't have much experience other than my farm job. She says it was my personality that got me hired. Everyone always says my personality is the best thing about me. Well, I guess what else can you ask for??

Here's some photos from these past couple weeks. I just got my hair curled in those photos! Autumn is my favorite season! I'm a little sad I couldn't really celebrate Halloween in the magickal way I wanted to, but I was also so excited to be working, so it's okay! Welcome to November!!!

[4rainynite]

Danny Phantom Enemies Headcanons

This headcanon is gonna be about the many characters from the series Danny Phantom and see what their relationship with Team Phantom would be in the series ranging from: ally, neutral, and enemy. Now, it’s time for the enemys, enjoy. Allies here and neutrals here!

P.S. Sorry this took so long to due, real life comes before making headcanons. Enjoy!

Warning : Some character explanations will be super long, mentions of death, and other things rated PG-13.

Enemies:

Skulker - He was one of Team Phantom's first villains and was obsessed with hunting Danny for his pelt (GROSS!) and for being a Halfa. Skulker obviously doesn't care about who or what he hunts especially if a child or an endangered animal is his target. Once it's revealed that Danny isn't the only Halfa around (Not just Vlad and Dani) I can see him giving Danny 'the reason you suck speech' about how Danny is no longer special or worth his time hunting, which is a relief for Danny, but they'll still fight each other. Skulker may over time have a villian's respect towards Danny and Team Phantom, but will never admit it. I have a theory that the only reason he never hunted Vlad is because Vlad bribed him with endless weapons if Skulker never hunts him and Vlad pays Skulker to hunt things for him. On the scale of villiany in the show Skulker is #4 seeing as he hunts for sport and how he has been dangerously close to killing Danny and others.

Nicolai Technus - As much as Technus is a mad scientist type guy, he didn't really have the drive to be evil until Danny planted the idea. Once the idea came to mind Technus went through without hesitation, he could've changed his mind anytime. He defiantly embraced his villainous role by manipulating Danny and Valerie's emotions to like each other knowing that Valerie likes Danny Fenton and hates Danny Phantom (a bold move, I must admit). Ans in the bad timeline he teamed up with Skulker forming an even bigger baddie. So, yeah, he's an enemy.

Walker - For a guy who's a warden and expects everyone to follow the rules he's a hypocrite. He makes his own rules for others to follow, kidnap children, putting that shock collar on Wulf and almost putting it on Sam, and framed Danny and made him public enemy number one in his own town! If the series continued like a court episode revealing that it was Walker who attacked the ex-mayor and his police ghost possessed many citizens. Thus, clearing Danny's name and some high council in the Ghost Zone (not the Observants one, but like a lower division council that handles the different ghost jails and domains) remove Walker from his position as a warden and he is a prisoner of his own jail. He'll obviously blame Danny and Team Phantom and wants revenge.

Penelope Spectra & Bertrand- Oh my gosh, where do I begin with her? After the trauma she caused during her first episode she's #3 on my DP deadliest villains chart. Before she even set foot in Caper High, Spectra has gone through many different schools sucking the students' of their misery/energy to make herself and Bertrand stay young by lying and humiliating them, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if those poor kids ended up committing suicide because of her. Heck, she tried to kill the students of Casper High in 'Doctor's Disorder' and Jazz during the pep rally in front of everyone to create more misery. She made Danny utterly miserable, tried to turn Danny against Jazz, and tried to vaporize Jazz, and made Danny question himself as a Halfa by calling him a freak. As for Bertrand he's basically her lap dog and has no problems resulting in killing to get what he and his boss want. I think we all can agree that these two need to stay away from everyone, but mostly children.

The Guys in White - Let's face it: Amity Park hates these guys! Every episode that they're threatening citizens and ghost. They seem to have no problem with collateral damage seeing how that tried to kill Gregor/Elliot thinking he was the ghost boy and destroyed the observation station. Unlike the Fenton's who'll pay for the damages they caused, the Guys in White refuse to pay a penny and use the excuse that they work for the government. The worst thing they ever committed was them trying to blow up the Ghost Zone which would destroy our world too. Overtime they'll waste too much money on ghost catching equipment and the citizens of Amity Park will get sick of them causing the organization to disband. With only Agents K, O, and the leader guy still around trying to capture Danny or any other ghost.

The Other Ghost Hunters - After, their encounter with Danny Phantom they most likely felt humiliated, and it only fueled their hatred towards ghost. But seeing how popular Danny Phantom is in Amity Park doing anything against him is a big no-no. So I can see them waiting for Danny to screw-up so they can catch him.

Control Freak and Lydia - Seeing as Team Phantom have ruined his circus and plan to take over the world it's a given that he's an enemy. He probably spent years going to every town with his circus stealing from banks, museums, and jewelry stores only to be stopped by a couple of teens would make anybody vengeful. I doubt he remembers that Phantom and Fenton are the same person after Danny erased everyone's memory, but he does remember the events. Seeing as Lydia and Control Freak are a couple she seems cool with whatever evil scheme he comes up with. I believe the two were dating before her death.

Prince Aragon - Let's see arrogant, was willing to marry a child (I'm aware that was a practice back then, but today absolutely not!), kept his kingdom imprisoned in time for hundreds of years, and was abusive towards his sister. I see him having more of a vendetta over Dora and Sam than Danny.

Hotep Ra - Was a backstabbing advisor who tried to takeover world.

Vortex , Undergrowth, Nocturn - All three are powerful elemental: weather (Vortex), earth (Undergrowth), and dreams (Nocturn) that connect not just the human world but the ghost world as well. In each of their appearance all three were able to takeout Amity Park in a short amount of time and gave Team Phantom a run for their money, until they learned a new skill to defeat them. Seeing how the Observants had Vortex on trial it's obvious he is super powerful! I wish there was a special episode where all three combined like Skulltech 9.9 to see what kind of damage they could do.

Pariah Dark - Guy was a tyrant king who ruled with an iron fist and was so powerful that a group of ancient ghosts had to imprison him in the Sarcophagus of Forever Sleep to stop his reign of terror. He doesn't care if you're human, ghost, or halfa in his eyes he's above all. The guy transported Amity Park into the Ghost Zone and lead an army that could've destroy everyone and the world! Heck, Skulker didn't want to confront him, SKULKER, that really says something! Hopefully, no one will be stupid enough to wake him up again.

Dan Phantom/ Dark Danny - He has no humanity in him, destroyed most of Amity Park (and most of the world), committed two thousand evil deeds, and even tried to kill his family and friends. Dan Phantom has no redeeming qualities and seeing how the observants couldn't take him out without Clockworks assistance shows how powerful he is. Inever believed Danny's ghost side was bad; Danny is Danny whether he's Phantom of Fenton. I believe the guilt and stress of losing everyone he loved and the fusion with Vlad was what form Dan Phantom. Heck! If it were reversed and Danny killed his ghost half, he would've been Dan Fenton human serial killer. For everyone's sake he needs to stay in the Fenton Thermos forever!

Master's Blasters - Okay, we all know season three and the last episode were to put it lightly -something. But I have to ask: where did Vlad find these guys? I mean honestly, a trio of ghost hunters pop out of nowhere, are better hunters than Valerie and Danny, the second they arrive Amity Park just eats them up and are willing to pay for being saved despite how they feel about the GIW, seriously? If it weren't for the cancelation, I would've built them up that Vlad staged their hunting/ rescues to make them look better than Phantom. As Danny slowly doubts himself as a hero the Master Blasters start charging for the rescues. At this point of time Phantom and Red huntress are nowhere to be found so the citizens of Amity Park have no choice, but to pay. Skip forward to the ending (minus Danny and Vlad revealed to be halfas) where the Fentons, Phantom, and Red Huntress team up to protect Amity Park from both ghost and human threats it's revealed that Master's Blasters aren't as good as they appeared without Vlad's trickery. They most like vow revenge on Team Phantom and try to outdo them only to fall flat.

Vlad Masters/ Plasmius - Where to begin with, Vlad? Oh, wait, I know! Vlad had this whole scheme to keep Maddie to himself, make Danny and Jazz see him as their father, created clones to make a new family, take over Amity Park, and tried to kill/humiliate Jack on a number of occasions. Even in the alternate timeline when he finally marries Maddie he is crazy controlling of her. He's doomed Amity Park/ the world numerous times for power, attempted to kill Danny, Jazz, Sam, Tucker, and Dani who are children (would've killed Valerie too if he knew about her finding out his secret), has tried to discredit Danny, taken over Amity Park via cheating, used his ghost powers to gain his wealthy, the list goes on. Vlad does seem to have some regret which is something most of the villains of the show don't seem to grasp. His older self in 'The Ultimate Enemy' realized the error of his ways and helped Danny return to his timeline (Vlad did state that he could've killed Danny instead but choose to do the right thing). And judging from the end of 'Phantom Planet' and the cover of the book ' A Glitch in Time' he seemed remorseful. He's done many things that have endangered both ghost and human life just to mess with Team Phantom, only time can tell if he deserves redemption.

[kaddyssammlung]

ED - Related Sleep Token lyrics Part Two

Part one klick here

TW : ED (and yes it gets a bit graphic and also I mention my alcohol addiction and also SH; but I just mention it)

Sugar:

“Believe that though we never eat”

Again...maybe he means eating as an analogy for something else. Maybe being with Sleep?

But the lyrics have multiple layers and to me this just means starving yourself.

“We still know how to feed”

This reminds me of starvation and that strange need to kind of feed others. To cook for them or bake or buy food for them and never have anything yourself. That need to surround yourself with food.

The same lines together

“Believe that though we never eat We still know how to feed We still know how to bleed”

Eating, throwing it back up to the point where you start throwing up blood.

Things have happened...but it was again due to my drinking problem.

I guess the reason why I was not bulimic is because I hated throwing up because I did that anyway so often because of being hungover. Idk.

It's just something that occurred to me while writing this.

“Sugar I've developed a taste for you now”

I will never forget how I high I was on sugar. It was the moment I was not able to starve myself any more and I began stuffing my face my sugary foods. Foods that I had not eaten in over a year.

“Let my wrap the chains addicted to the pain”

The pain of starvation. But you can do more, right? At least that's what the ED tells you.

“Do you wanna see how far it goes? Do you want to test me now my love?”

Being tempted by food but being able to not give into the temptation.

And also my love...some have a tendency to see their ED as their partner and even give it an name. I never was like that but I can totally feel that.

“Things we buried low comin' to the surface now, my love”

Throwing up.

“You must be crazy if you think that I will give up the game”

Giving up on the ED.

Drag me Under:

“Drag me under Deep into your love”

Just wanting to be thin, wanting to be ED ed and having a romantic way of seeing this disorder.

Sometimes anorexia still comes knocking at my door and is like “don't you miss me? Don't you just miss it? How do you like your period, when you had me you were don't bothered by that stuff? Don't you want me back?

NO!

Bloodsport:

“I made loving you a blood sport I can't win”

I spent so many years in online communities with other humans who also had an ED. We also met in real life a few times. I travelled half across the country to the meet ups. Whatever.

Many that I know who had an ED also self-harmed.

so...”loving you” = holding on to that ED ; “made a blood sport” = made me self-harm. Often for punishment.

“You are still my weapon of choosing”

Holding on to this behaviour even thou you know that it does not serve you.

“I wanna choke up chunks of my own sins”

Again..that feeling of having eaten too much and seeking relief.

Shelter:

“And when you can't swallow your demons, you become starving”

Emotional pain can make you do many things. I can lead to believe that when you starve yourself your problems go away but they don't. You just add another problem to your already existing problems.

“Laughing at perfect death then you change, suddenly hollow you become starving”

It makes me think about someone who struggled with an ED for such a long time that she decided to end everything in 2016. You know what I mean.... And also it takes a lot of self-hatred to want to starve yourself to death.

[goat-shoe]

ok, i Rant time

ive been reading this fic Knowing itd be a mess and im just... ive had it with this characterization! aimless rant below ^^;;;

tw for bullying, harassment, abuse, homophobia

so a lot of highschool AUs are just..... Bad? like LOL sorry :x but. youre taking away everything interesting about the miraculous holders, And youre trying to make Fully Grown Adults into children. ??????

n e ways, i found this highschool dropout au,,, im Sure you can guess how i feel abt dugout and tiderdrop together, but personal biases aside (its Icky to me and someday ill figure out why)..... lets read this fic.

(to prove i am Not taking things out of context, heres the whole fic)

FIRST of all, youre ognna notice that the prose is Boring, written in long and uninspired runon sentences. i dont wanna just bash on an inexperienced writer, but if youre gonna be this lazy about it.. who is it for :x

second, headcanoning mariquitas name as the Only spanish name you can think of that starts with "mari"? is just uninspired. mariquita wouldnt Choose a hero name so obviously close to her Real Name.. again im not an unmasker, but this headcanon is ridiculous....

finally, and most importantly.... "he sighs wearily". umm, No actually. he Doesnt. you dont even get an insight into dugouts thoughts other than "im nervous about school >m<"

Needless to say, this and his whiny, whimpering demeanor is incredibly infantilizing,. Furthermore in this context, all it does is plays into the ""yaoi"" trope of a big buff bad big boy x boy who says uwaaah! (i hope it goes without saying, this is Not a condemnation of boys who say uwahh, yall are doing gods work and ily)

cramming tigerdrop and dugout into this trope comes off as (and actually is) incredibly homophobic and harmful. need i remind you, these are real people. i wouldnt be surprised if this author was a fujoshi or something too :x

anyways.

im a dugout fan Because hes reserved, but in this fic, thats being watered down to him just being sad and whiny.

its just so insulting to be written shrugging every 3 sentences. dugout im so sorry theyre doing this to you ;;;

guhh. ill give them points for this cute relationship with mariquita...

but again, the prose is just.. clumsy. and again, all dugout does is whine about change. its not even a realistic portrayal of adjustment disorder :x

speaking of disorders Lol,

we Know how i feel abt tigerdrop, but i tend to actually like fanfic portrayals of him.

but this one is just... Confusing...

(also we have mandatory "describe their entire outfit in vapid detail" LOL i should have made this a bingo)

i havent really been talking about the plot, but heres what it took the author two chapters to get through:

dugout it new in town, hes nervous about the changes. (we dont even know why he misses home??? just, make it up i guess, god forbid a fanfiction Make That part up!!!!!!)

tigerdrop has lived in new york all his life, and he appears to be pretty bored with life (ex: pushes pipsqueak over just because he thought itd be funny, no doubt an allusion to the canal street incident last july)

his characterization is actually really confusing and i think its supposed to be like, Alluring??? but its just disconcerting :x

thats It. Two established characters and empty conversations with others (the mariquita mischaracterization especially drives me up the wall ever since i confirmed my kin with her)

they meet in math class when dugout unknowingly sits in tigerdrops seat..... girl, Literally no one in high school acts like this.

at this point, this fic is no better than glee and the millions of other incorrect and careless portrayals of highschoolers. tigerdrop has some weird banter with the faceless teacher (yet Another reason i hate most highschool fics)

:/ i Kinda saw it coming, but....

tigerdrop apologizing and not meaning it? In character. But, hes just acting like a greaser, and its Weird

dugout wouldnt care! he would not look like "a deer in the Headphones."

i Realize the author doesnt have a beta reader but :x that doesnt excuse pawning off lazy work btw, in case anyone was wondering....

last but probably Most important: this is setting up such a toxic dynamic. tigerdrop is actively pushing the message that dugout is taking up too much space and he doesnt belong. its alienating and shitty. and this is a fic Shipping Them :x

but i Clicked on a dropout fic, so.... should i be surprised :/

like i said. dugout is Already afraid of him.. his body is reacting just to the sound of his voice, not unlike trauma in PTSD victims!

like. guh. this is literally so toxic. also..

take a shot every time you see the word "smirks"

lips ghosting his nose And ear? Lol.....

likely The Worst way to incorporate their miraculous personas :x reading this literally made me nauseous.

anyways.... thats all of the fic thats been posted so far. so to summarize: this is just Icky. its even worse, setting this kind of relationship in their high school years :x imagine if someone treated you this way! youre Not gonna grow up and marry them.

i Cant even.

~ ty for reading <3 ~

[starocean]

not to be an asshole or a whiner but i have been stressed and need to rant a little to let it out so please feel free to ignore, it’s just work related stuff

(technically they’re all my coworkers, but i don’t wanna use names so i just refer to them like this)

so, coworker got into an accident and she’ll be out for the next four days. no big deal, i can push my vacation back even if i am the tiniest bit sad i can’t take it rn. i won’t even lie about that. but i’m not at mad at her at all. 

but i am upset that my manager didn’t even offer to let me take next weekend off. she just told me we’d talk about me taking vacation time. and that kind of set me off and i spent like a whole hour crying because i’m just. so tired. i work six days a week. in the last three to four months, i have worked multiple 9 to 13 day “weeks” without a single day off. i rarely ever ask for time off, and what time off i do get is usually interrupted by work for some reason or other, even during vacation. i have an autoimmune disorder that makes me physically weaker than i used to be. just a few days ago, i had to stop doing stock because my shoulders were causing me so much pain i was almost nauseated and fighting back tears.

i’m not like the asm, who bitches and bitches and bitches and bitches when she can’t take time off (who, by the way, spent most of last year trying to get out of work and almost got let go for being a liability bc she kept getting injured at work and filing for worker’s comp. which seems unfair but these injuries were all extremely minor, so minor that a doctor wouldn’t even give her more than a day off work bc it wasn’t necessary, and all happened in less than six months. and when you’re the only one getting injured but your coworkers aren’t and none of the customers are reporting anything hazardous, HR starts getting suspicious. they told her they were going to start investigating her if she reported another injury too soon, and guess what? she stops getting hurt. amazing. she only wanted the worker’s comp bc it would get her more time off work while giving her a paycheck, but that’s not the point. 

and she also had the fuckin’ audacity to lie about my performance to the sm, and yes i am still upset about that bc i’ve actually done way more than the asm has and the sm’s even said so herself, like fuck the asm for real i cannot stand her) 

she’s gotten mad at me before for requesting vacation time before she puts her request in, and even angry at me for getting the rare satuday off bc she thinks she’s the only one who deserves a saturday off, apparently. i don’t get weekend days off much. like 99% of my off-days are during the week. she also acts like she’s the only one to work 9 to 13 days in a row without time off, and she hates being contracted on all of the above. i’ve had to show her our schedules before and go back month by month showing her what days she worked and had off compared to what i did. as you can guess, she was not happy about the physical proof being put in front of her lmao.

(and let me get this off my chest real quick because this one really fuckin pissed me off. this fuckin cunt tried to get me to come in on a day off that i specifically requested and was granted to be able to take care of my mother after her surgery. one of the newbies quit, and she sends me a text saying, “so-and-so quit, i need you come in and work tonight.” and of course i told her sorry ass no, that i had to be there for my mother. not sorry at all, my family and their health takes priority over work, especially since that was scheduled time off approved by the sm. the fucking disregard you have to demand i come in despite knowing i’m watching over my mother’s health. cover the damn shift yourself, asshole.)

the only time i have ever spoken up about not having certain days off is when i’d been given a saturday off and the sm tried to take it from me without even attempting to communicate with me about it. and then she tried to guilt trip me for that by saying she would have to pull a double, and i had to hold myself back from saying something snarky about how it’s literally her job, as per corporate policy, to fill in for an employee who cannot make their scheduled shift if no other employee can cover it. i was also miffed she didn’t even bother asking if i was okay with that. like, she didn’t say shit to me about it. no text message, no phone call, nothing from any other employee. nada. she got the next day off anyways, so idk why she was bitching. maaayybee she should have had the courtesy to, oh i dunno, ask me if i could cover? but she didn’t, so no i don’t feel bad about her pulling that double shift. ANYWAYS, not the point. i mean, sort of.

anyways, kind of tying back into the first part: coworker got hurt, and i volunteered to coworker directly that if she needed me to give up my vacation to cover her shifts, i would. we don’t always get along, but we definitely get along better than the asm and I do. maybe this is petty, atp i don’t really care, but the asm thanked me for volunteering. and i had to fight not to tell her to fuck off, that i wasn’t doing it for her, i was doing it for my coworker. it was the right thing to do, and if coworker had wanted to, she could’ve called it a favor for switching days with me once when i’d gotten too sick to attend work a few months ago. and i knew damn well that the asm wouldn’t give up any of her time off to fill in, bc she’d outright rejected mine and other coworkers’ requests for us to switch shifts when we’d been too sick or hurt to come in, and has often refused to cover shifts for employees who quit. obvious pattern of behavior there.

basically i’m just, like. bummed out. and burned out. i have dedicated so much time to this job with nothing to show. a shitty wage that i can’t even get a raise on bc i’ve apparently “hit the cap” for my position (bunch of fucking bullshit honestly), and my physical and mental health deteriorating by the minute. (which, i know that seems stupid to say after having a possible opportunity to get a different job, but all the research i put into that one (which i should’ve done first. hindsight is 20/20) showed it wouldn’t be much better than my current job. who knows. if i get desperate enough, i may just try my shot with them again.) and little time off. 

i just want decent time off. to just sit at home and relax, and not be bothered by something work related unless it’s an emergency. 

i’ll delete this later

[sunflower-selkie]

hey this is pretty personal and heavy account of recent mental health and some poor patterns of behavior.

trigger warning: disordered eating, depression, unhealthy coping, discussion of past child abuse (no retelling of specific events)

I'm past the height of the crisis and have finally started reaching out again. im not wanting to hurt myself and noone is hurting me to be clear

if you are a caregiver in your private life I highly recommend you take an honest look at your quality of life and how much you are really asking of yourself. you deserve life as much as your loved ones do. Learn about compassion fatigue and find ways to keep charging yourself up or you'll run out of help to give sooner than anyone expects and hurt yourself and everyone else in the process.

going through an emotional breakdown over this past week. i think I've started turning the corner, letting myself feel some things I could not admit to myself and starting to finally accept that believing it's my responsibility to prevent my responsibility to protect even my loved ones n matter what is just too much for a human. i can't push past my limit every chance I get at the drop of a hat because I have to live with those consequences. i have to accept I'm disabled and that means i have to establish firm boundarie to allow myself some time when I'm not waiting for the next crisis whether I like it or not or everything about my life will literally fall to pieces till i can't eat or speak or think without feeling like I'm going to make everyone shatter to pieces if i accidentally make a request and i just can't live like that.

Part of what is going wrong is food restriction, and i cannot stress strongly enough that having gone through this I don't think serious diets, even for medical reasons, are something one should attempt if you're not in a good mental health space, especially without any form of professional support. every choice you make feels like it's being judged and punished by your own body.... yes the physical pain and suffering is slightly less if you do everything right in my case, at least some days, but it's not worth agonizing over risking a tiny piece of food i haven't prepared myself from ingredients i havent checked and then feeling like i just punched a baby or something for eating a thin slice or two of avocado on accident.

But this is the biggie: i need to really believe that I'm worth loving and not just because of how useful I've made myself to those i love. it only makes my relationships worse and ends up leaving me with noone except those who most desperately need me that i feel like I can keep up communication with, because if i just cut out enjoying or taking care of myself as one of my real goals and turning it into something I do just to recover for my next foray against the horrors of the world for those who keep reaching out and asking…. it felt like that way i can meet someone's needs and meeting others needs is the only way I have to feel like I deserve to keep living and I'm trying really hard to break free of that.

caregiving is serious business and you need strategies and support networks to make sure you can keep giving healthily, recharging rather than putting yourself on a death marchvin the name of love. the people i care for really love me too, even when I'm letting a need go unmet in a moment because i just can't always be available. it hurts. it sucks. it makes me hate myself.... but if I just get it right this time, of i just don't give up and give everything they ask maybe when I die I'll deserve their love. that's what I'd basically been telling myself - that i was slowly dying for love.... and it kept me going to think that, because at least now I'm really living up to what I believe in. at least now people will forgive me for being less than psychic,less than a trained mental health professional, less capable as a housewife than any of the women who raised me.... not that I ever took the time to really learn from them. but I need to forgive myself for not being the daughter i feel i should have been to my mother with the situation she was in too. kids can't protect their parents and I never even realized that wasn't just normal and women weren't superhuman on some level because my dad sure never treated my mom like her feelings might have been more important than his convenience and I guess I just really learned that lesson all too well, and here we are with me living the consequences and hurting all my friendships and romances and my own body because of my fucking "daddy issues" and trying to br the only kind of daughter i could all those years ago if i wasn't going to be beat like he constantly threatened or like he did when my brother refused to back down and refused to pretend to be perfect for them.... not gonna lie I'm glad he's dead now, but I would have much rather he healed and unlearned some of the horrible lessons he himself was taught by life about what being a man or a woman means and what the consequences are if you don't comply.

in short I'm ready to forgive mysel and apologize to myself in his place now, i just need to figure out exactly what changed behavior that apology needs to entail, and do the work on my mental health he sadly never started until way too far down the road. And I'm ready to forgive men. they're just as much victims in all this even of they are the assigned enforcers of these horrible roles we're told to play to make sure real solidarity never happens. if we could just accept we're all equals even starting at home and in ourselves it'd be way too obvious how badly we're all being exploited by those who just happen to be on top of the current hierarchy insisting that it is only natural that some of us are less people than others and that it's okay actually that the people freezing on the streets will die, otherwise the rich might have to share.

i play at some of these very things in my kink amongst others in an attempt to process them and to give myself permission to say no, but I guess that might have been why I felt i had to give up that role - i couldn't let it just be a game anymore if my whole self worth really revolved around being Good.

[bratty-people]

Patrick Metcalf of Undone Productions - Adulting Gone WRONG

What young adult doesn't love the word adulting. It's about becoming an adult and doing grown up things in the real world. And as a result you feel like a grown up, not a little kid. You get to succeed in the real world, and maybe look good doing it too.

Well, here is a real-life story about a adulting gone wrong. The main character is real person named Patrick Metcalf, a supposed graduate of Northwest University who basically cannot make it in the real world and has exponentially failed at adulting. He is also the founder of Undone Productions.

Who Am I

Who am I? I live in the building next to his. I and other tenants have had to endure years of listening to his purposeful and repetitive door slammings about 6 or 7 years now. He will literally slam the outer metal front door of his unit on purpose as a signal to let neighbors know that he is powerful, or angry. He confuses his sense of self with what us neighbors think.

Sick of Living Next to a Sicko

Also, I am not some hater, hating on someone for NO REASON. I am super busy. But what I DO hate is having to even spend time writing this post or investing ANY of my time dealing with the deliberate nuisance this person is responsible for on a regular basis here. I think years of suffering is NOT fair to anyone. Things have been done to get this person to stop and it is STILL going on.

The police, his manager, the Housing Department of Los Angeles and also the LAPD have all been contacted. Being a nuisance is illegal. But nothing has been done. The LAPD doesn't even do much about all these burglaries in Los Angeles, let alone just some annoying noise. I hope this will change.

This behavior of his began around 2016 or 2017. And at worst, the door slammings have occurred as much as 15 times a day! His landlord has been contacted. All of this is a TOTAL violation of California's nuisance law.

We as renters have the right to the quiet enjoyment of our dwelling. And Patrick is not only bothering us with this noise, but also engaging in all kinds of non-consensual signaling.

We do not give a damn that he wants to feel powerful, that he is angry, that he needs to let us know that he will never give up.

Adulting Gone WRONG

Patrick doesn't seem to have professional life or any life whatsoever. i mean, if he did why does he continue to communicate with us neighbors that he will not give up the purposeful door smacking. Even if he has done stuff for UNDONE, it kind of doesn't matter if your mind is preoccupied with asserting your power and dominance with your neighbors. I would actually feel better if he was busy doing productive things and not bothering us.

The entertainment business is round-the-clock work. Even the Kardashians have to work hard, get up, pitch things, sell things, find new opportunities, network etc.

This person has no self-control or ability to discipline himself. As a result, has failed at adulting and cannot take care of himself or his career. He wants everyone to think he is a winner by exerting power over all us neighbors by smacking his front door on purpose. Often, there is no one leaving or entering his unit.

This shit has gone on for YEARS. And they message he is conveying as he STILL does this is that he will never give up. Giving up would maybe be a sign of defeat, and he certainly will not let this happen.

Many people here believe that Patrick suffers from a personality disorder called narcissism.

This is an important cautionary societal story about selfishness, entitlement and petty competition to the extreme. Who knows if he will escalate to something more violent or damaging to people and/or property?

Most people are familar with media articles and videos about how selfish, entitled, lazy and incapable millennials are when it comes to self care and hacking it in the real world, according to Simon Sinek. Some individuals in our generation will never grow out of these character flaws. And Patrick's story is the perfect example of how these types of people fare in the end.

Seeking Attention and Power

All the door slammings/smackings are done purely for attention and power. It is VERY annoying, especially since the neighbors are not doing anything wrong and the perpetrator refuses to take responsibility for where he is in life, venting all his pent up issues onto us for years and years. No one should be expected to have to move. It is a LOT of trouble, time, energy and effort over such an irresponsible, catty human being.

Neighbors report that these incidences started around 2016 or 2017. Since about the end of 2020, Patrick has been living like a recluse, making up contrived (loudly audible and badly acted) phone stories with his girlfriend, Brianna, hoping people would believe they bought a condo and is now living in it.

The reality is that there is a LOT of evidence that he is still living in that same apartment. Brianna is no longer here, but why is Patrick still in that apartment?

We continue to hear LOUD door smacks/ slamming for NO reason with no one really entering or leaving the apartment.

Who In Their Right Mind Feels Entitled Enough to Smack Their Front Door On Purpose And Never Stop

Patrick tried to make it seem like he moved into a condo back at the end of 2020. Brianna moved out. And a new roommate, a heavy male named Phillip Clum moved in.

Contrived, Fabricated Scenarios - Trying to Make Neighbors Think They Made It BIG

At the end of 2020, Patrick and the girl who was living with him (Brianna) made up these weird story schemes as a result of them caring too much about what other people think about them.

For about maybe a week or two (can't remember) they would hold loud and fake phone conversations sitting right by their open living room window phone so that all the neighbors in our area (their building and ours) could literally hear every word.

These conversations revolved around their (fake) story that implied they made it big in Los Angeles with so much money to the point where they could afford to buy a condo.

I understand that, everyone has to make phone calls but NO ONE sits right by their open window and speaks in such a loud and obvious tone of voice trying to make every word known.

Then at the end of 2020, there was a month of silence. Patrick and his girlfriend tried to make it seem like they moved. But ironically, there was no movement of furniture and possessions. No movers, nothing.

Instead of smacking his door like usual (because obviously he had moved into his condo..lol) he would thump his foot as hard as possible on his floor when he heard his neighbors waking up early in the morning, and basically signaling every time he heard them cleaning their unit, or doing something positive and constructive. This type of thing would drive him CRAZY. Why? Because he is not the type of person who can wake up early and do legitimate positive things with his life.

His girlfriend had not been seen in that building since, but a new roommate named Phillip moved in around that December/following January 2021.

Door Smacks Continue in 2023

Once neighbors complained to the building manager about the continued door smacks in 2023, Phillip started acting like he is the one making these purposeful noises and would actually leave to go somewhere. Phillip was NOT doing this before these complaints.

But there are still, of course, incidents where no one enters or leaves. They just slam/smack the door as hard as possible to piss people off and to express some kind of unmet need for power and control….that they will NOT give up.

The loudness of the door slamming is not a weird, unintentional fluke.

It actually is quite deliberate because no one in his building else makes these types of noises.

Also, both Patrick and Phillip have shown that they ARE quite capable of closing their door at a normal volume. If they can shut their door in a normal fashion, then why are they smacking their door as loud as possible? The obvious answer, as noted earlier, is to piss people off and communicate that they will not give up or be defeated.

Hateful, Jealous Catty and Overly Competitive....Not A Nice Neighborly Attitude

Patrick's overall set of behaviors tell the story of an individual who is pathologically competitive over the pettiest things, completely lacking in self-awareness, a sense of self and character. It's like a five-year-old in an adult body. According to psychologists, this is what narcissists are (underdeveloped in their grown-up body).

Years ago, when this whole thing first started, he was doing this during the daytime hours.

Then it started happening at 5 or 6 in the morning. He was not even leaving or entering his apartment, just walking over to his door (has an outer metal door) to smack it as hard as possible.

He was basically all the tenants around here know that he is UP and not sleeping…that he got up early, like a big boy, and felt so empowered that he HAD to let us know...because we are all losers who did not get up this early.

Who wants to live with ankle-biting neighbors who are this competitive to the extreme? Would you? It is annoying.

Later, he got into a phrase where he would purposely hit the button of his juicer/blender in a really contrived way like he was showing off his morning routine which involved the healthy habit of juicing.

On several evenings in the past, (and in recent history )he would stomp downstairs in dress shoes on purpose, making as much noise as possible like at 10pm -1 am at night.

He wasn't walking like a normal person would, but lifting his leg to really make stomping noises, emphasizing that he was out somewhere formal and fancy, trying to let all of us know how important he is, all dressed up with somewhere to go.

When other neighbors come home late at night, whether dressed or not, they try to sneak in as quietly as possible to not wake people up.

Several times, he even followed one neighbor to their car on several occasions as they were leaving for work. They would leave here about 8:30am. When they started doing this, he would then copy this exact departure time (what a coincidence!) and act like he was going to a job that also required him leaving his building at 8:30am as well. The LAPD was contacted but could not do anything.

Again the theme here is ass holery competition by a narcissist.

Many neighbors here are scared because people who are obsessed like this often tend to escalate their behaviors to something worse.

Desperate Attempts to Cover Up Being A Real Loser

In reality, almost everything in this dude's life is a fake show. This person is totally incapable of getting up in the morning. People who do get up early out of habit don't think twice about it. There is not need to show off.

It is highly probable that Patrick cannot write a resume that sells. Otherwise he would be busy going to work and engrossed in his career.

His LinkedIn mentions that he is the founder of Undone Productions, a film/TV production company. On Google, his You Tube video shows up about winning an award for WGA. But things are not adding up. I could be missing something. Why would he even think to be competing with his neighbors as someone who is serious about his craft? This makes no sense.

Also, I have lived in LA for a long time. I am NOT impressed with fame/celebrities/the hollywood industry etc. I am not even impressed with You Tube bloggers. Many of these people have dark skeletons hiding in their closet. Everything is all about image and the people I have met or learned about online have almost all been a big disappointment when it comes to reality.

Patrick seems like one of those people who looks one way on screen. And the reality is a scary, deranged individual.

Think Ellen Degeneres, Kendell Jenner, Johnny Depp, Amber Heard and a lot of other celebrities out there.

The entertainment business is hard with a lot of competition in Los Angeles. I've known people here doing similar things. It's not easy. Again, the entertainment business is tough. Your work has to bring in money. This part is hard.

Again, you have to network and pitch constantly. You also have to work on new projects and work on keep getting better. You would not have enough time to think about smacking and slamming the door as a regular routine.

People are upset that his roommate Phillip, is now starting to engage in similar behaviors. As they say, birds of a feather flock together. But also, they are trying to cover up that Patrick is still living in that building.

They want to live the fantasy image held by millenials (as portrayed by You Tube lifestyle influencers) energized by their perfect morning routine, going to work in a fancy company office, well dressed and making it in the real world.

Patrick and Phillip are obviously not smart enough to understand that people can see through all of their fake and contrived shows for attention.

Advertising Being a Moron

Most of this, again, started with Patrick. His behavior basically advertises his real character, an individual who really lives the life of a loser behind closed doors. The term moron in the subtitle is not mean or unfair.

Again, the main issue here is that he is bothering and harassing other people on purpose. If he wasn't, he can do whatever he wants in the privacy of his own home...no judgment.

Patrick cannot take care of himself or his home and is deeply insecure about who he is and his habits.

These kinds of people got away for years thinking that it is ok to live uncivilized behind closed doors because no one is watching.

For them it is a big deal, like they feel like they are on top of the world, when they are finally cleaning up after themselves and living like real adults. It feels fancy to them.

Still Communicating Being a BIG BOY?

For example, for years now, since about the 2016/2017 time frame till now, we often hear Patrick using a wooden cooking spoon and deliberately hitting the side of a cooking pot (in the front of his unit) and making a lot of unnatural, contrived noises in his kitchen, which faces our building.

It literally sounds like a purposeful (one-two-three) hitting, not like someone who happens to be using their kitchen, because they need to.

Threatened By Other Young Adults

This often happens when he hears or sees another young adult, maybe coming home from work, or grocery shopping, or hearing them making their own meal in their kitchen.

All this showmanship is the result of him feeling threatened. I know there are young guys in my building, maybe about his age, or younger who are living their LA apartment dream life and have real jobs, the type that Patrick envisions as being enviable to himself and others of our generation.

Sometimes they leave their doors open and talk on their phones. We think that this triggers him. But they are not doing this on purpose. And now they feel like they have to remember to keep their doors shut and speak on their phones inside, not outside in the hallway.

Instead of being responsible and taking accountability for his shortcomings, by working on himself, Patrick tries to exert maniacal superiority over everyone else to mask his weak flawed character.

He literally feels entitled to bother everyone by slamming his door and engaging in non-verbal communication and signaling all the time, for years, without anyone's consent. This is harassment.

Listening to Other People's Lives and Letting Them Know

Another pet peeve is that Patrick is basically listening to everyone's lives and signaling to them that he is doing this.

After years of observing all of this, Patrick cannot do ANYTHING of his own accord. All these behaviors are a reaction to feeling threatened by someone else doing what they are supposed to.

Again, normal people are not obsessed with what everyone else thinks of them. Patrick appears a classic narcissist. This guy has no sense of self. Narcs think that their sense of self is basically equivalent to what other people think of them.

Living Like a Recluse -the Evidence

Also, since the time of those fake phone conversations, Patrick has not been seen walking around the building. He is trying to make it seem like he no longer lives in that apartment. But he is. This is evidenced by the following:

continued defiant door smacking (as hard as fricking possible to communicate all his inner hate and anger). Again, no one in my building or his does this. It is not normal, but a deliberate attempt to convey power.

deliberate foot stomping as hard as possible in response to hearing neighbors living their normal lives, doing productive normal things that us younger generations hate and are considered spoiled as a result.

same weird yawning with a vocalization that suggests an I don't give a fuck about anything attitude. Thiscan still be heard by neighbors in the adjacent buildings, to this very day in 2023.

Same laughter - sounds like part Kermit the Frog and part human

5) same nose blowing into a tissue can also still be heard. This behavior was exhibited by Patrick before the fake phone conversations. Again, this is audible towards the front of the unit.

6) Foot thumping/ signaling has also be heard in that unit even when Phillip the roommate is not home.

7) Patrick sleeps in the livingroom (facing our building)- we can hear him blowing his nose and his recognizable yawn...We .hear this at night or early in the morning. If Patrick is sleeping in the living room, Phillip is probably in the bedroom.

These are way too many factors to be deemed a fluke or a coincidence. C'mon, same yawning, foot stomping, laughing, nose blowing, and door smacking? These things cannot logically be attributed to his new roommate.

And also where is that girl who was living with Patrick? People found their supposed wedding photo in an online Northwestern University magazine about alum who got married. Most likely this also is a total scam, unless something legitimate here is missing. She clearly does NOT live with him. Or if it was not a scam, maybe she divorced him right away. Who wouldn't?

Now in 2023 a visitor of a neighbor reports that Patrick continues to get rattled whenever he hears other neighbors waking up early, using the sink in the morning, cooking, cleaning etc.

People ( think the guy below and the older couple next to him) hear a loud thump on the floor in response to something they did. Or they hear them smacking their kitchen cabinet doors loudly to let their neighbors know that they are listening.

These actions are always contingent on what the other person is doing. They are NOT coincidences. All of this is a total invasion of privacy. Who can live like this?

Frankly, no one can believe that people such as this exist in our world. Society expresses all kinds of shock with so many weird individuals in younger generations (i.e. self identifying as moons, animals, lack of potty training into elementary school etc.) This is one of those stories.

Boomers and Gen-X are stunned by many younger adults with no inner conviction, or no sense of doing positive things for themselves and their future, young adults who try to one-up other people who are living their lives well with responsibility and personal accountability.

It's like both Phillip and Patrick are the types of people who get on an inner power trip when they do wash their dishes, clean their apartment or wake up early for once and they have to broadcast all of this to everyone around here.

Instead, they are basically telling us all that they are really just lazy and immature kids behind closed doors and cannot do anything of their own accord until they feel threatened by other people.

I mean, we all have weaknesses and our lazy moments. But to be putting on all these obnoxious, deliberately loud and aggressive (contrived) shows just for the sake of attention-seeking, with the intent of showing off to the other tenants around here is really, really disgusting.

This shit has been going on for years, despite all the complaints to the city and the owner of Patrick's building about the door slamming and the California nuisance law violations.

The media stories about lazy and entitled millennials are now a vivid and living and everyday nightmare for all these people who live in Patrick's building, in my building, and the other one on the other side.

An Unfair Situation

This whole situation has not been fair to me or any of the neighbors affected by this ongoing nuisance. The non-stop door smacking is loud and alarming.

If any of you were to experience and witness this for yourselves, you would be absolutely disgusted at how much anger and vitriol is invested into these actions.

It is also blatantly wrong to let these two continue to live like this. Patrick has a major mental problem.

And for people to allow him to dwell recluse in a small apartment building, not really seeing the light of day ( due to mental problems) is inhumane.

His family should be aware of what is happening to him and do something to help him get on his feet and live a normal life. This is only fair to the rest of us as this whole ordeal has been nothing short of an illegal nuisance, and abuse at its worst.

As annoyed as I feel in writing all of this, I am bothered, not just for my own sake by also by the inhumanity of this continued situation, someone living like a prisoner in an apartment for years and years and years with no resolution and no help to live a healthy and normal life?

As upset as I am, I will humbly say that I do hope that this post will raise awareness and somehow Patrick Metcalf does get the help he needs in a way that is fair to the residents here.

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