#meanwhile wheres blondie?

[honeyedlashton]

Beg him to dress up every year, and this year we got 2 costumes! Oh we are so back

[jjwantsme]

trouble is my middle name

j.m

pairing: jj maybank x girlfriend!pogue!reader

summary: in which y/n decides to leave her boyfriend alone for just a few minutes, and it results in nothing but chaos.

warnings: psychical fighting, an angry but HOT jj, bestfriend!sarah, cussing, mentions of sex, fem reader, let me know if i missed anything!

authors note: jj is so boyfriend for this. you’re welcome

masterlist

“Dude,” JJ laughed, an arm tight around y/n’s waist as he laughed at something pope said, “you’re so full of shit!”

“No, i’m not! What makes you think I can’t do a backflip?” Pope argued back as he rested his forearms on his knees.

“Uh, you were on the math team?!” The blondie laughed in the other boys face, getting distracted when he felt his girlfriend move away from his arm.

He was always like this at parties, always keeping an arm around her or a hand holding hers.

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust her when she wasn’t around him, of course he trusted her- more than he’s ever trusted anyone before.

He just knew that there were weird people out there, perverted people. And he didn’t want his honey to become a victim to their perverted ways.

“Hey, babe, where you going?” JJ quickly asked y/n before she could get too far. “Oh! I was gonna go hang out with sarah, she texted me and told me to meet her in the bathroom. Is that okay?” She smiled up at him with her sweet eyes, wrapping one of her hands around his.

JJ returned the sweet smile, “of course, baby.”

He leaned in to give her a lingering goodbye kiss, y/n humming lightly into it when she could taste the beer on his lips.

She giggled as she pulled away, “on second thought , maybe i shouldn’t leave you alone. You’ve obviously had too much to drink…”

JJ immediately scoffed, “Pft, I’m fine. Go have fun, pretty girl.”

Y/n grinned and gave him one last peck on his red lips, before walking towards where she knew sarah would be.

JJ smiled as he watched her go, just admiring his little angel. He still couldn’t believe she let him start dating her.

In his mind, y/n was 𝗯𝗲𝘆𝗼𝗻𝗱 out of his league.

She was too pretty, too smart. He was sure she would be valedictorian by the end of the school year- she was the most intelligent person he’d ever met, outdoing pope by miles.

It’s not like JJ was an insecure person, he was definitely over confident. Before he fell for y/n, people described him as a player, being able to kill with his looks.

He just knew a good thing when he got it, and y/n was one of those things.

His state of admiration was cut short when he heard a whistle from behind him, one that he hoped wasn’t towards his girlfriend.

“Damn, look at that ass!”

JJ’s face became red with rage, steam practically coming out of his ears as he turned around.

“Oh, shit.” Pope mumbled, preparing to call y/n back as he knew a fight was about to happen.

Typical party with JJ.

JJ grabbed the ignorant kook by the collar of his shirt, gripping it tight, “What the fuck did you just say about my girlfriend?!”

“Chill, man, i was just saying, it’s a nice-“

He didn’t even get to finish his crude sentence before JJ clocked him right in the face.

Meanwhile, y/n stood in the bathroom doing sarah’s hair, still oblivious to the perverted comment that was previously made towards her.

“Hey, do you hear that? Sounds like a fight…” sarah spoke as she heard commotion from the other side of the door, making y/n pause her movements.

Oh, fuck.

“Goddamn it, J,” y/n mumbled before heading out already knowing the fight would somehow involve her drunk boyfriend.

And she was right, immediately seeing her boyfriend getting separated from some random kook as he spit out blood from his mouth.

For a mere second, as John B and pope held him back, he caught her eye and smiled at her; making her weak in the knees, despite the fact she was mad at his aggressive mannerisms.

“2 minutes,” y/n spoke sternly as she wiped off blood from JJ’s chin with a makeup wipe, “I left you alone for 2 minutes, JJ!”

JJ probably shouldn’t admit this, but man, did it turn him on to see his girlfriend get all feisty on him like this.

“Look, baby, I’m sorry, okay?” JJ sighed, “But i don’t regret what i did! He was being a total jackass.”

“I don’t care what he did, JJ, violence isn’t-“

“He talked about you! In a…weird way. Like, about your body.”

“Oh.” Y/n’s eyes softened as she bit her lip, “you got into a fight over me?”

JJ scoffed, “Damn right, and I’ll do it again!”

Now, y/n probably shouldn’t admit 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀, but knowing her boyfriend gave someone a bloody nose for her, was definitely turning her on.

She didn’t need to admit it, though, instead she just kissed him, making him wrap his arms around her waist.

Boy, were they in for a long night.

[feistypazzi]

CORE MEMORY

ONE SHOT STORY

Pairing: Paige Bueckers x Azzi Fudd

Disclaimer: Fiction only! Pure writers delusion. (Excuse the grammatically errors/ idk what I'm thinking while writing this)

TW(?): just adorable except for the slight swearing.

Summary: Paige and Azzi watched women's sports together to show their support as an athletes as well, the couple have so much fun time together together with Paige's lil brother drew. Enjoy! 💗💗💗

After they showed on Kayla's live, the couple goes back to their apartment, as they walk Paige arm wrapped around her girlfriend waist. When they arrived to the apartment Paige continue to do her homework and Azzi start to packed their clothes while blabbering random thing to Blondie.

As the time passed by, Paige stood to her feet, walk closer to her girlfriend grabbed her by the waist and stare deeply into her roundy dark brown eyes. The room filled with silence.

"You're so pretty" Paige spoke, she stroke a strand of curly hair from azzi's face.

Azzi's cheeks turned red, "So sudden baby, what got into you?", in a shy tone.

"Just want to remind how beautiful my girlfriend is, can't I?" she said sarcastically, smirk on her face, she let her hand inside of azzi's grey shirt to feel her warmth, her hand start to move gently inside against her body.

While Blondie exploring her body, she feel a sudden burn inside her, "B-babe" she whispered stuttering, the tension start to build up between the two. Paige start peppering kisses to her neck, she can feel her breath touched her skin.

Her arm are now wrapped around Paige's neck while they're having a passionate time together, Azzi is letting out a silent moan. Paige proceed to brunette's lips, then pressed a gentle kiss. Suddenly someone knocked on the door, "Paigeee! azzii!! you guys theree" the voice yells coming from the other side of the door. The two stopped on what they were doing but they didn't respond right away, just hugged each other tightly, Azzi notice paige's unsatisfied look before burying her face against her shoulder but she just giggle. "It's not funny", she whispered rolling her eyes and that made Azzi burst out laughing.

"Yooohoo!" the person behind the door knocked once again. Azzi kiss Blondie's forehead gently cup her cheeks, before they open the door.

"Am I interrupting?" Paige rolled her eyes to Jana after opening the door.

"Isn't it obvious" sarcastically, Azzi elbowed her, raising her eyebrows. "No it's not" Azzi said giving Jana a awkward smile. "What can we do for you?" she added.

Jana's eyes widen seeing those kiss marks on azzi's neck, then the couple realized, "U-uhm i-it's just a mosquito bite" defensive, Azzi cover it immediately then give Paige a look. "Yeah, mosquito named P Bueckers" jokingly, that made Paige grin proudly while Azzi felt so shy, and pinch Paige stomach.

"Stop you two, what you need Jana?" she said, crossing her arms.

"Yeah what you need jj?" Paige butt in.

"Just want to barrow azzi's charger" wicked smile on her face, Azzi and Paige's jaw drop with disbelief. "Nvm I'll just borrow Aubrey's, you two continue" she teased, then ran laughing before the two respond. They just shook her head and let out a deep sigh.

After a long long day, the couple ended up cuddling in bed, making the most of the time till they fell asleep on each other's arm.

****

They arrived at LVACES vs WMYSTICS game to support their former teamate Aaliyah Edwards. They didn't get a chance to sit together, Azzi is sitting in front row side of the court, meanwhile Paige sitting across the where her girlfriend is sitting with her lil brother and dad. She tried to settle herself where she's sitting but she really want the seat next to her goddamn girlfriend. She didn't pay much attention to the game because all she do is stare at her girlfriend's direction craving for her touch or check her phone if Azzi response to her message. When the teams made point, everyone's head turn to the rim meanwhile Blondie is not even bother, her eyes can't keep away from her girlfriend.

The half time ends, WMYSTICS is leading the scores. Azzi went where paige is, checking up for her girlfriend who can't get enough of her. They minimizing their movement cause one clingy move they'll be caught, their relationship isn't our yet publicly, they keeping it private but not a secret tho many fans already taking a hints about what's going on between them.

Second half will start within a minute, Azzi whispered, "See you later baby, love you" smile on her dimpled face, before returning to her seat leaving Paige blushing and speechless.

The game ends well Aces won, LVACES made WMYSTICS pay in last quarter. Paige went down to the court instantly after the game, however when she's just four feet apart from azzi, a glimpse of tall blonde girl already arms wrapped around her girlfriend and that made her heart ache, she can't see the face nor the jersey cause fans are gathering on court side one by one.

"What's her deal? Why is she on my girlfriend. What the fuck" she thought, Paige is sharing is caring kind of person but she really is possessive when it comes to her girlfriend. Yet she shove those thoughts, calming herself down. She let out a deep sigh before continue walking to azzi's direction, as she got closer she realized who's that blonde was.

"Oh it's Kate Money Martin" on her mind, her mood shifted right away. When Kate and Azzi waved goodbye to each other, brunette notice Paige standing besides her, crossed arms. She also want to hug her girlfriend but cameras/media are everywhere so she didn't do it.

"What took you so long P?" azzi asked lowering her tone, staring deeply to Blondie.

"Uhm fans take flicks w/me all the way here" she responded.

"Btw have you met Kate Martin?" excitedly, her dimples start to appear on her face, seeing that smile made Paige's heart so fulfilled with joy, her mood lifted.

"No, personally" she responded while admiring her girlfriend's smile.

"Babe, There's camera around us" she whispered, while looking around.

"What I didn't do anything" with tease smile.

Lili finally saw the both of them, "You guys are fighting??" she spoke as she notice the commotion between the two.

"Lili!" simultaneously, they greet Lili with open arms.

"I miss y'all" lili's excitement can't explain, seeing the two of her former teamates supporting her is the sweetest.

"We miss you too at UConn Lili" cheerfully, Paige agrees to what Azzi said.

"Bruh those layups never disappoint" she spoke, offering a hype high five to Lili and Lili give her abruptly, "Yeaahhh! learn from the best" then shrugged her shoulder, full of themselves. Paige never beat the 'Hype woman allegation', Azzi just shook her head with delight.

The three of them are catching up, talking bout their lives and laughing with each other like there is just the three of them, while media's are taking photos of them. Their conversation ends with goodbye hug, when Lili left fans start to ask Paige and azzi for picture and autographs.

One of the media interview the two of them, during the interview Azzi can't take off her eyes from her girlfriend, but Paige can't even look at her girlfriend directly or else her knees will weaken.

Soon after, the couple proceed to WSPIRIT football game. Finally they're now sitting next to each other with drew, and their seat is far from crowded part of the stadium they can move freely than earlier.

Azzi got a bucket hat with LGBTQ flag design, "Babe, how was it?" she asked wearing the bucket hat, Paige smiled ear to ear seeing her girlfriend.

"It fits on you so well babe, you look stunning" she compliment.

Meanwhile drew on the other side pissing paige, "You look pretty pookie" grinning. Paige glare at him hearing those words.

"Thankyou drew" she smile at drew, then they both notice how Paige mood change.

"How about me? no thankyou? tss" rolling her eyes to azzi, crossing her arm. But both of her girlfriend and lil brother just laugh, exchanging high five in front of Paige face.

"You guys aren't funny" giving them an attitude.

"I'm just kidding baby, right drew?" she spoke giggling.

"Yeah, yeah" drew agreed.

"I'm your only pookie right?" she's facing Azzi with pout face and puppy eyes.

"Of course baby" then hold Paige's hand, squeezing it and smile at her softly. "Jealous baby" patting her Blondie's head, Paige smiled at her like a kid as a respond.

"Azzi still my pookie" drew spoke proudly. Paige almost turn to him again thankfully Azzi pull her. During the game Azzi is like a mother with her two children watching a sports, cause drew and Paige are like a cat and dog the whole time.

Later on, the game ends. The three of them went down, many people are surprised seeing them because Paige and Azzi are known as phenomenal college women's basketball players in a nation. They join the chants after the game, people are hyped, then they give a message for supporting women's sport.

Time passed, they are now on their way going to Fudd's house, sitting at the back seat, drew sleeping between the two girlies, it doesn't took long Azzi and Paige fell asleep as well, brunette leaning against Drew's head meanwhile Paige leaning against azzi's head.

Paige woke up suddenly then pressed a kiss on azzi's head, then go back to sleep. Mr and Mrs Fudd in front seat, doesn't mind what just happened, instead they're so proud of their girlies.

It is really a long tiring fun day for them, the couple call it a day.

===============================

Ps: special shout out to that anon that give me the idea of fic about what happened yesterday, the pazzi crumbs are giving. Thankyou! (Feel free for fic ideas and feedback. To those other ideas I'm working with it alr)

- Lovingly yours 💗

[supercorpkid]

Set It Up

Supergirl. Kara Danvers x Reader.

Word Count: 3440.

Notes: Totally inspired by the movie Set it Up. But I changed some stuff to fit better. Part 2 coming soon.

Kara stares out the window as another workday ends for the lucky ones. For her, escaping the office seems more unlikely by the second. She glances at Cat Grant, who is busy typing on her computer, and sighs. She wishes she could be at home watching an old movie with her sister, but she's not one of the lucky ones.

"Kiera, where is my dinner? Are you trying to starve me to death?"

"Oh, I didn't know-–" Kara adjusts her glasses and begins writing down. "What should I order, Ms. Grant?"

"I don't care. Anything. As long as it has a cheeseburger in it."

"So, a cheeseburger?"

"Kiera." Cat shoots her a disapproving look. "Don't make me do your job, that's what I pay you for."

"Of course, Ms. Grant." Kara leaves the office and immediately calls the nearest restaurant to get the food delivered as quickly as possible.

Meanwhile, on the lower level of the building, your boss yells at you because he too wants dinner, even though he said half an hour ago that he wouldn't be eating at his desk tonight.

"I'm on it!" You dash downstairs, grateful for an excuse to leave the office for a few minutes. You've been cooped up so long, the office smell is starting to make you sick.

You rush through the lobby and overhear a heated argument between a blonde girl and a food delivery guy. Food! You need food!

"Come on! I order from you guys every day. I just don't have cash this one time, but look, I have three credit cards."

"If you order from us every day, you know we only accept cash."

You step closer. "Whose food is that?"

The delivery guy doesn't miss a beat, "Yours, if you have 40 bucks to pay for it."

"Oh, I have cash! I have so much cash!" You pull your boss's wallet from your pocket and pay for the food with a grin. The delivery guy leaves in a hurry, and you head back to the elevator. This was easy, except…

"No. No, wait." The blonde girl runs after you. "That's my boss's food and if I'm not upstairs with it in two minutes, she'll fire me, right after she kills me!"

"No, she won't. Just look at you. You just have to charm her with a smile and skip around the office and she'll give you a promotion." You say, the blonde girl looks at you in disbelief. "Just do some tricks!"

"Some tricks? What am I, a monkey?"

"I don't know what you are." You stare at her button-up shirt, tight blue cardigan showing off her muscles. Why does Blondie here have so many muscles? "Some kind of superhero?" Her eyes widen at you and she adjusts her glasses. "That is dumb enough to forget you need cash to pay for food."

"Hey!" You turn your back to her, satisfied with the bag of food in your hand. "Okay, look. There are two dinners there. One for me and one for my boss. What if we share?"

You raise your eyebrows. Why share when you just paid for it? Granted, it was her food first, but it's not your fault she didn't have cash. The food would’ve just gone back to the restaurant anyway.

"I'll get the burger and you get the pasta. That way none of us get fired!"

You sigh. The last thing you want is to get fired, and no matter how hungry you are, you also don't want to be responsible for someone else getting fired today.

"Fine, but you owe me money." You get into the elevator, and watch the blonde girl clinging to the meal you handed her. "Hope you don't get fired!"

Your boss doesn't eat. He makes you almost get someone fired and then, out of the blue, he gets up from his chair while you're only halfway through with mouth-watering pasta and says he's going home.

You drag yourself back to your desk, eat the pasta alone, then finally make your way out of the office. One more long day, in a very extensive list of long days.

It's late at night again and everyone from the office has already left. You're making copies for a presentation. Even though everything is digital these days, your boss insists on being in the Stone Age, probably single-handedly killing a hundred trees at a time.

"Here." You hear a voice and almost jump out of your skin. Then, you feel money being shoved into your hand. "I'm paying off my debt."

You check your watch; it's so late, why is Blondie still here? "What are you doing here? Are you like a janitor or something?"

She blinks at you. "I'm not a janitor." Obviously, a janitor wouldn’t have such a big collection of button-ups. "I'm Kara Danvers. I'm Cat Grant's assistant, that's why I'm always the last one here."

"No, you're not. 'Cause I'm always the last one here." You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding and raise your hand to her at the same time, "Y/N."

"So, do you work at a newspaper? Magazine?" You shake your head. "Why are you wasting so much paper?"

"Because my boss is a buffoon who loves to make me copy things and then shred them." You roll your eyes. "I swear he is driving me up the fucking wall!"

Kara winces at your curse word, and you wonder why you're telling her this. Actually, you know why. Goldilocks here is the first human you've interacted with all week who isn't 1) your boss, 2) someone your boss made you yell at over the phone, or 3) coworkers who are smiling through the pain, like you.

"Well," She doesn’t stop following you to your desk, even though the business between you two is resolved. "Why don't you quit?"

"And survive on what? Breaking into little bears' houses and eating their food?" You ask, and Kara looks at you confused. Right, she doesn’t know you’ve been secretly calling her Blondie and Goldilocks. "I mean, I need the money. Besides, the company is huge. If I survive his ire long enough, maybe I can change positions and be something else."

"Yeah." She lets out a breath, like she understands completely, pulls up a chair—without an invitation—and sits in front of you. "I just want to be promoted to a reporter."

"See, you get it. You're still here in the building too!"

She looks at her watch, "Except my boss is taking a nap and I have to wake her up in 30 minutes. You know who doesn’t get to nap? Me!"

You laugh, opening up to someone you barely know it's weird, but it's like she gets you. She understands better than your friends, really. "The only thing I don’t want is to be 24 and still an assistant. That’s just sad."

She pouts. "I'm 24 and I'm an assistant."

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry." You smirk. "For you. That’s really sad for you."

Kara grins at you. The office falls silent except for the occasional yells through the walls. She looks at his door, puzzled. "Who is he talking to, this late at night?"

"Not his family, no. Because he doesn't have one. Which is not surprising since he never leaves this office." You put your hands on your face, "I'll die here, won’t I?"

"Yeah, Ms. Grant never leaves either. And she has two children. I swear, I have no idea how she does it."

"She doesn’t." You raise your head at Kara. "You do it. You organize her schedule, you wake her up from naps, you order her food, you're basically in charge of her life and oh my God, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

She isn't. Blondie is blinking at you cluelessly.

"Let’s lock them in a room together so they can have sex." You say with a maniac smile, and Kara rolls her eyes. "Just think about it. While they're boning, we're free!"

"This is ridiculous." She makes her way out of the office as you yell, "byeeee."

There’s an emergency, and Kara urgently needs to put on her cape and fly out the window, but Cat won’t stop talking. Despite Kara’s repeated assurances of 'yes, Ms. Grant, I understand', Cat keeps repeating herself, leaving no room for error on Kara’s part.

But Kara will mess this up—she has to. There’s a fire in a hospital, and every second spent here increases the casualties, all of which she’ll blame on herself. Kara is in desperate need of flexibility at work. Desperate! 

This is what she tells herself, when after putting out the fire in the hospital, she decides to look for you through your work corridors, instead of going back to CatCo and doing what her boss asked. 

“I’m in,” Kara says, appearing behind you. You jump, but your excitement quickly overrides your surprise. "I'm in on your scheme."

"We need a meet-cute," you start, mind so far off you don't notice if Kara is following you. But she is. "You know, an interesting situation that is kind of humorous but also romantic and then –"

"Yeah, I—" Kara interrupts you, and you look back at Blondie adjusting her glasses. "I've seen enough romantic comedies to know what a meet-cute is."

Goldilocks is well versatile in romantic movies, so it isn't hard for you two to set up a few ideas in motion so that both of your bosses can get stuck somewhere together. Options are: elevator, office, airplane, charity event. The last one sounds unlikely given your boss is an asshole and would be caught dead helping people, but Kara guarantees he would go to a charity event if Supergirl was there, and somehow she can tell you exactly when Supergirl will attend one. Nerd alert!

Kara makes friends with the building administrator, which isn't shocking at all to you. Blondie has that blissful little vibe around her. She's kind, overly excited, and always ready to talk about any subject. So, when she guides you to the lower level of the building, to a moldy, smelly, never-ending room, you can't help but wonder if she isn't part of a cult and you're the sacrifice.

"You're not gonna kill me down here, are you?" Your voice comes out nasally as you cover your nose against the smell.

"Why would I kill you?"

"I don't know. You're blonde, pretty, chatty, kind. No one would suspect you." You look around the empty space. "But it would be such a bummer to die in this building. Please, if you ever think about killing me, just do it anywhere but here."

"I'll keep that in mind next time I need to satisfy my bloodlust."

"See! You are kind, Kara Danvers." You touch her arm for effect and are met with rock-solid biceps. Oh wow, you were not expecting this. "They'll never catch you."

"Okay, time to actually do what we're here for." She points at the screens, and you see both you and her boss waiting for the elevator. You sit on the chair in front of it, glad she made friends with the building manager so there's no one around, and make the elevator stop at CatCo.

"Wait, wait. Where is she going?" you ask Kara when Cat Grant doesn't get inside.

"Oh, I forgot —" You look up with questioning eyes. "She has her own elevator."

You close your eyes to avoid rolling them. "Great," you say, defeated. "Excellent plan."

"Sorry." The apology comes in a whisper from above, so heartbroken you can't be mad anymore.

"It's okay. To be fair, it felt a little dirty doing that. Maybe we should just schedule a meeting or something." You're up and making your way to the flat of stairs in no time, while Kara promptly follows you. You can't wait to get out of this smelly place. 

"What would your boss even have to say to Cat Grant? No offense, but he is a basic finance guy." 

"I'm not offended, I wish I was a basic finance guy. I would be getting paid a lot more money and wouldn't it be easier to just be a guy?" She nods affirmatively. "Alright then, I'm here for whatever crazy ideas you might have."

"Cat is a confident, independent woman. I'm having a time seeing why she would even need a man." 

You raise one eyebrow at her. "What planet are you from?"

"Uh, this—this one." She adjusts the glasses on her face, and you bite back a smile from the answer to your rhetorical question.

"Kara, I know there are many sex toys these days," Her entire face gets bright red in a split second. "but sometimes people want the real thing." You master your most innocent eyes, even though she can't look at your face from embarrassment. "You know, I bet you'd rather do it with your boyfriend."

Her jaw unclenches just enough so she can say, "I don't have a boyfriend or—or anyone."

"Yeah, I get it. Who has time to go out and flirt when your boss wants your head on a stick, right?" When you open the door to the outside world, you smile at the sun and the absence of smell. "Okay, time to get to work. Text me any ideas!"

You spend the day texting. In fact, you spend the week talking to Kara. Between texting each other from the minute you wake up to when you go to sleep; joining coffee runs; and 15-minute lunch breaks taken at the same time, you two come up with a plan. Everyone knows who Cat Grant is. She might as well have a secret admirer. 

You send her flowers imitating your boss's handwriting. Cat smirks to herself when Kara waltzes in her office with a pretty bouquet, "But of course he is impressed with me, Kiera. I'm an impressive woman."

"You are, Ms. Grant! Should I send anything back as a thank you?" Kara tries and receives an eyebrow raise. "Or just an acknowledgment. You know, I read somewhere his company is well known in the finance world. Having someone like him as a source someday…"

"Send him something. Anything." She goes back to her computer and mutters to herself. "I might need him eventually."

"Great idea, Ms. Grant." Kara smiles even though she knows it was all her.

"Of course it's a great idea, I thought of it. Now go Kiera, you've distracted me enough with this nonsense."

Kara almost floats out of her office, and sets the second part of the plan in motion. 

It is definitely not hard to convince your boss that someone like Cat Grant knows him. Men always think the world revolves around them, and this one is particularly full of himself. 

You coordinate your schedules and send them to the same restaurant for different meetings. You and Kara find a place outside of it where you can spy on them with your binoculars. Kara doesn't have any spy attire, but still can do a perfect lip read of their conversation.

"They are trying to set up a date." She informs you, and you move your binoculars to their lips to figure out how she is doing this so perfectly, when you can barely see them right. "Can't agree on a place."

"Maybe we should pick for them."

"Uh," She complains. "Cat is getting angry. He is not letting her choose. Oh, she just called him a caveman."

"He is." You agree, then raise your head up. "That's not good, we have to fix this. Think!"

"They both like Noonan's. We always pick their coffee from that place. Maybe they need to think about coffee instead of dinner."

"Wait," You grab your phone and look at his agenda. Then shoot him a text. "Just canceled one of his meetings for later, and told him he'll have time during his usual coffee run."

You two watch him look at the phone, then raises his head at Cat. Kara repeats his words to you, "How about coffee?"

"I like —"

"Noonan's." They say unison and you look at Kara with a smile. Yep, you two are good!

Later that day, Kara receives a, "Kiera, I'm going out for my own coffee. I want to see if they can't make the coffee the way I like it, or if it's due to your incompetence that it is either impressively cold or burning hot when you give them to me."

At the same time you get a, "Hold everything off for the rest of the day. I'm going for coffee with a woman and it might turn into something else. If you know what I mean."

Gross.

You and Kara follow them to the coffee shop, but keep your distance and a few newspapers up to cover your faces.

The date does not go well. Cat is indeed a strong independent woman, and your boss is indeed a buffoon who doesn't think women should be either strong nor independent. You and Kara leave the place before it all blows up on your faces.

"Ok, it seems that getting them together is not enough. We'll have to actually Cyrano them."

You nod your head the slightest. "Mhm, yeah. Totally."

She quirks an eyebrow at you. "You know what that means right?"

"Yeah. Two assistants getting their bosses together and—"

"What? No. I've texted you so many times by now!" She laughs at you. "We coach them. Like when a nerdy boy in a movie feeds the hot guy the lines, so he can get the nice girl."

"Oh, is that what you think we're doing?" Kara shakes her head in agreement. "Absolutely not. We're Parent Trapping them."

"What? It's not the Parent Trap! We didn't switch places."

"Yeah, cause we're not twins. I think Cat would notice if we switched an almost-superhero with a clown."

Kara looks so offended, "I'm no clown!"

You furrow your eyes at her. Blondie really is a special kind of girl, isn't she?

So back at the board you go. And that does not involve an actual board, Goldilocks! It's just an expression.

"I read in a book that there are two types of compliments to give to a woman," Kara starts, and you nod, writing it down. "The things she already knows about herself that she needs confirmed, and the things she doesn't think anybody else notices about her." You raise your eyes at her. 

"I see. So the first would be like," She turns to you focusing her attention. "How you have expressive baby blue eyes and I can tell what you're thinking even before you say it." She opens her mouth a few times, but no words come out. "And the second would be like, how sometimes you're so hyperfocus that only one of your eyes blink."

"That's —" Kara gets so flushed that even the points of her ears turn a shade of red. "I -– Yeah — Sure -– I guess."

"Oh, or how you turn into a stumbling mess when you get complimented?" You raise your eyes at her as her cheeks get even a darker shade of red, blush crippling down her neck. She smooths her hand over her cardigan. "Yeah, that one too!" You point at her hand. "You fix your glasses and then smooth your hand over your clothes when you're nervous. Or sometimes you turn your hands into fists and –" 

"Ok, yeah!" Kara stops you, face so red you wonder where else her blush has reached. "You — You got it!" She whispers to herself. "You definitely got it."

You smile to yourself knowing that what you really accomplished was getting under her skin. And you think you love that even more than you love the fact that getting your bosses together is giving you more free time.

"Alright then, how about this as a card, 'I like how independent you are, and I love how effortless you make it seem." You start writing down trying to nail his handwriting. 

"I think you did that better with me."

"Yeah well, I haven't been spending all my time with Cat Grant. Thank God." You show her the card. "Look, this will be fine. He also hasn't spent a lot of time with her, it would be weird if he had noticed the different ways she blinks her eyes and what they all mean."

Kara first raises her eyebrows in shock, but then she agrees to your prerogative with a nod, unable to form a sentence. 

And just like that, they have another date.

[victimcentral]

John's second victim

This is written super quickly and might be kind of long but bare with me! I think I found something regarding Mikoto's case! Theory under cut :D

Ever since the trial 2 ending video I been thinking non stop about the fact that seemingly it confirmed the theory that John was a serial killer, for context ever since Double released I was in the belief that John only killed one person (the blonde guy we see in MeMe) and that his memories were just fragmented (since he was still forming during the events of the murder) leaving him to believe he killed multiple people (especially considering how dismissive and well how he doesn't seem to recall much about it, only remembering the fact that he wanted to protect Mikoto). Of course now we know that Milgram basically told us Mikoto is one of the people in Milgram with one of the most kills (idk why they translated to “the most kills” when Shidou is right there, but in jp it’s more like “one of the most”). 

This led me to question, how and who. For John’s blonde victim who for now I will call Blondie, I had a pretty good idea on how the murder and everything happened, I won't get into detail since it would take a lot of time to cover, my oomfie made a post that I agree with. Tldr Annoying coworker Mikoto was not very fond of, pent up rage for this person led to John killing him to get rid of this “stress” that was causing Mikoto (maybe someday I will go more in depth with this idea). But then there was the problem that, ever since the trial end video, I started to notice that MeMe in fact does show two victims, Blondie (the train murder), and… another person. 

From the framing of everything, John wearing the same clothes during both murders, and that it’s shown that it happened on the same night, I concluded John killed two people in the same event, but… my main question was, who was this second victim, I had a pretty solid theory on who Blondie guy, but this second person was a complete mystery to me, I reread everything to try and see if there were other clues but really I had nothing, we don’t even have a design for this person, but we know it exists because of the Undercover crime location, it matches up pretty well with where we see John kill this second person.

(Especially the wires)  Meanwhile we know Blondie died by the train, so no doubt about it. (I mean he died in a sort of tunnel place, where we can see here clearly they are more in the open, we can see the sky..!)

While talking to my friends about it this night, rewatching MeMe on loop to try and see something, I spotted something interesting: In the scene that we see Blondie crawling away, the screen has like the same effect on the edges as when we see a person walking towards Kayano at the start of MeMe, this effect is supposed to resemble the inside of an eye, as if we are seeing from the point of view of a person.

In both of these scenes we can see that the “screen” blinks, making it obvious we are seeing from the perspective of a person. 

And it’s not just some visual effect of the scene, as we can see when the scene zooms in, the effect is nowhere to be found.

But look, during the murder, this eye like effect is on full display

This person is no other than the second victim. And this shows that victim two witnessed the murder of Blondie, they saw John kill, and once John noticed he killed them to keep away from anyone knowing. Basically victim two is just a witness who saw the first murder, ran away, and got killed. We can tell they ran away since the crime location in MeMe is noticeably somewhat close to where the train station is. (Credits to Doctor Bunny, I wouldn't have been able to notice this haha)

in here I will lay out how I think the events happened, because my wording probably doesn’t make any sense lolll

also this could explain all the imagery of Mikoto feeling “observed” in both MeMe and Double images here

(in fact, we even see the same effect on the edges as the victim two pov in here lol)

(All the eyes… he is being observed)

And to add last, it would make sense of John’s statement of “killing whoever was passing by”, because truth be told, that second victim truly was just a random person that was passing by, who just happened to witness the murder. 

Thx for reading! This probably makes no sense since I literally just noticed this and wanted to talk about it! In the future I may rewrite this honestly… this is prolly written like shit LMAOO, just wanted to spread the idea around :D! And if someone came up with it before and I never noticed it, let it be known :o !! Sorry if that’s the case haha ^^’ And if I explained somth awfully and want me to elaborate let me know pls!! I love rambling bout Milgram haha

[antialiasis]

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly: all of my thoughts (part 2)

Once again, this is me watching my way through The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966) and commenting on everything that comes to mind as I go. Where we last left off in part 1, Blondie and Tuco had just each learned half of the secret to a the location of a cache of Confederate gold, forcing two men in a thoroughly adversarial relationship to collaborate. This time, we get to see the two of them begin to bond, in the most delightful, complicated, bonkers sort of way.

The checkpoint

Another Extended Cut scene. Sad Hill Media's blog post on the Extended Cut scenes suggests the only conceivable purpose of this scene is to establish Tuco wants to go to the San Antonio monastery and that it's entirely needless because we can just figure he knew it was nearby. I do think there's a little more to it than that: this checkpoint is presumably why Tuco and Blondie actually dress up in Confederate uniforms, which is otherwise a pretty random thing for them to do (and is an important plot point a couple scenes later); it's where Tuco presumably gets the idea of actually pretending to be Bill Carson (without this scene, he's just using Carson's eyepatch randomly when they get to the monastery for unclear reasons); and more specifically it establishes that Tuco knew the monastery existed but was kind of surprised to learn they were in the vicinity of it, which adds some context to why Tuco hasn't visited his brother before in those nine years -- he hasn't been in the area before, just vaguely knew of it being near Apache Canyon. But it is undeniably a very functional sort of scene with not a lot else going on, other than Tuco's amusing assertion that "If I were a Yankee you wouldn't have time to ask me that!" to a whole encampment of Confederate soldiers, as if he'd have just taken them all out single-handedly.

Speaking of dressing up in Confederate uniforms, either Blondie was conscious enough at some point to change into the uniform or Tuco dressed his unconscious self in it to sell that he's a dying soldier to these guys. I suspect the latter.

The monastery

Tuco asks for his brother right at the start, but unknown to Tuco he's already gone to visit their dying father. Big, painful dramatic irony there on a rewatch.

Once again, we have wounded soldiers, many with lost limbs, filling up the monastery -- and once again it is a mere backdrop to our protagonists.

Tuco of course acts like Blondie is a very dear friend, like a brother to him, specifically when the monks are within earshot and then immediately drops it when they aren't. What a guy.

(He asks frantically if Blondie has said anything -- mainly thinking of if he said anything about the name on the grave, of course, but also, Blondie could theoretically tell them any number of things about Tuco that might get him kicked out of there.)

Meanwhile, even though nobody's looking (he checks!), Tuco gets down on his knees to pray. Totally sincere in his religion, praying that God will let this man live so Tuco can have his $200,000. I love this fascinating plot-irrelevant character trait.

Once the priest has told him Blondie will recover, he's thinking for a bit about next steps before he goes into the room. Everything would be easiest if he could just get Blondie to tell him what the name on the grave was, and then he can just kill him, or at least ditch him -- he's not too keen on actually having to haul Blondie around to find the treasure, after all.

Tuco starts off by telling Blondie, "The old father tells me you'll be up and around in a few days!" and then this hilarious thing of "You were very lucky to have me so close when it happened!" Ah, yes, when "it happened", this mysterious thing that caused Blondie to nearly die in the desert, how lucky that Tuco just happened to be there. Clearly this is going to work on Blondie himself. (Maybe Tuco could be banking on the possibility Blondie might not have a clear memory of the whole thing, but honestly it's perfectly in character to do this nonsense either way, because Tuco is Tuco.)

He goes on with this approach about how they're all alone in the world and have only got each other, suggesting he doesn't have any family. This is of course a blatant lie, as we'll learn in a bit -- Tuco believes he still has both parents and a brother, even if he hasn't seen them in a long time -- but right now it seems convenient to pretend he has absolutely nothing and no one, in case it will help him earn Blondie's sympathy and trust, so all alone in the world it is.

But then he changes tack again! Come to think of it, maybe it'd be easier to convince him to tell if he thought he was dying. So nah, now he's sad, devastated, that Blondie's dying and it's all his fault. :'((( (He looks around first to make sure none of the monks are around to contradict this, but he already contradicted it when he himself told Blondie just earlier that he'd be up and around in a few days. Tuco just does not keep track of his lies, at all.)

Love the shot where he's looking through his fingers, trying to gauge if this is working at all, and then turns it into wiping the definitely real tears from his eyes. He's trying so hard.

In Blondie's place, he would tell about the gold! (He would not tell about the gold.)

If he gets his hands on the $200,000, he'll always honor Blondie's memory! (He will not.)

Oh, Tuco, totally buying it when Blondie beckons him closer only to get coffee in his face because of course. The combination of absolute unrepentant lying and swindling and naïveté is so endearing, in a terrible way.

Blondie is so smug about "I'll sleep better knowing my good friend is by my side to protect me" while Tuco is pointing a gun at him (upside-down) and it's great. Tuco having him at gunpoint is simply not a threat anymore, because Tuco now wants him to live more than anything! He will protect him! Just in his best interests that Blondie survives!

(And the funny thing is Blondie can probably entirely legitimately sleep a little better with someone else actively invested in his survival than he normally does as a lone wolf drifter, even though the guy actively invested in his survival now also happens to hate his guts. We see him later being a very light sleeper who keeps his hand on his gun, suggesting he's kind of used to expecting someone might attempt to kill him in his sleep; Tuco would never let anyone kill him in his sleep, not while he's the only one who knows the name on the grave.)

Notably, Blondie isn't angry in this scene, as much as he has every right to be when Tuco's being an absolutely shameless little shit about trying to manipulate him, after a lengthy bout of straight-up torture. Instead, Blondie seems more amused by his utter ridiculousness, now that Tuco is harmless and in fact warpedly helpful to him. He's enjoying every minute of the reversal of fortunes here, and in the process Tuco's Tuco-ness has just become kind of entertaining. This is an important little development for how their relationship evolves from here.

After the non-obvious timeskip, Tuco's fetching water for Blondie, grumbling all the while about if I get that name from you I'll give you water, and calls him a dirty skunk, kicking his foot -- notably, not keeping up the pretense of being his friend even a little bit unless the monks are around anymore. Presumably, in the time we skipped over, they've had some talks about how they'll proceed -- Blondie naturally not even considering telling Tuco the name but agreeing to accompany him so they can find the treasure together, Tuco reluctantly figuring yeah, fine, they'll do that, but he doesn't have to be happy about it. He feels free to be an ass to Blondie, even though he can't lose him, because Blondie also needs him to get the money, and at least to Tuco it's unthinkable he would just skip out on $200,000, so it probably has not crossed his mind at all that Blondie could just decide once again to ditch him if he got fed up with him.

Most of the analyses I've read on this movie emphasize that all three main characters are motivated by greed in their pursuit of the gold. But Blondie has never actually felt all that invested in the gold per se to me. Throughout the movie he's mostly being pulled along on this treasure quest by either Tuco or Angel Eyes; I don't think he ever even mentions the gold in any context that's not about how it's something the others desire, and he doesn't take much of any active action to facilitate finding it, other than being along for the ride as the quiet inevitable kingmaker. Instead, whenever it's actually Blondie's choices driving what's happening (which isn't too often, mind; he spends a lot of time quietly going along with the others and biding his time), his motivations are distinctly about something else, as far as I can tell. My overall read on him is that his chief priority is his own survival, and while the treasure hunt has his interest piqued it's almost more for the interesting puzzle of how he's going to come out on top at the end of this than out of desire for the money, though the money certainly doesn't hurt. I think I read something somewhere about the never-produced sequel proposal involving Blondie having given his share of the gold to the monastery, and honestly, I don't know if that's true or if I'm remembering right what I read, but that checks out to me.

At any rate, what I'm saying is I think Blondie is not so invested in the gold that he has to stick with Tuco for it, the way Tuco has to stick with Blondie; Blondie has all the leverage and is enjoying it, and he almost certainly did give some thought to whether he should just try to get out of there if he gets the chance. But ditching Tuco would inevitably mean Tuco just comes to track him back down again, even more fiercely, after already finding him once -- and Blondie is almost certainly already sketching out a plan for when they've reached the cemetery. Tuco is probably planning to try to kill him as soon as he shows him the grave, after all, and Blondie is going to have to make sure he's fully in control of the situation before he reveals anything. And then he's going to make Tuco put his head in a noose.

Tuco mentions the wounded are just pouring into the monastery so they'd better get the hell out of here -- that war sure is still intensifying in the background, and the main characters still want no part of it!

Blondie silently hands Tuco his still-lit cigar here just as Tuco's been insulting him; Tuco just drops it on the floor and steps on it, not keen on sharing. Again, we see how Blondie, when he has this leverage, is completely unruffled by Tuco's toothless hostility, and in fact is just having fun being friendly in an ironic sort of way in return, knowing this annoys Tuco. This is a very fun little contrast to a little later, when Blondie gives him a cigar with a more genuine sense of sympathy, and Tuco actually accepts it. I didn't actually even notice this bit for the longest time, but yes, good.

When Tuco learns Pablo is back, he just tells Blondie that This is something I have to look into, not wanting to tell him anything about his family -- though of course, it wouldn't be hard to guess that "Father Ramirez" is related to Tuco Ramirez. And while Blondie probably does muse on how he could just go out and grab the wagon that's already ready to go (though he would probably ultimately dismiss that either way as discussed above), he must be curious -- and also realize that understanding more about how Tuco ticks might be useful later.

This whole sequence is quite funny, showing off a lot of Tuco being Tuco, while we get a good look at the fundamentally changed dynamic between Tuco and Blondie now that Tuco needs Blondie alive. So far, it looks like Blondie having great fun rubbing in the leverage that he has, completely and unshakably confident that Tuco won't touch him now, while once Tuco understands he's not about to convince Blondie to give up the name, he's nakedly hostile -- but Blondie just finds his hostility amusing now that it doesn't actually represent a threat. We don't spend a whole lot of time on this stage of the dynamic, but it's still pretty important that this is where it has resolved to at this point.

Tuco and Pablo

Tuco is initially obviously wary and nervous about approaching Pablo but then puts on a cheerful smile before he says anything. He probably knows Pablo might not be super happy to see him, but he's going to live in his best world and doggedly pretend this is a normal cheerful family reunion.

Initially the smile falters when Pablo turns around without acknowledging him, but he forces it back up again. "Don't you recognize me? It's me, Tuco!" Surely it's just because he didn't recognize him with the eyepatch, right?

He goes in for a hug. Pablo folds his arms. Tuco decides this is totally just because maybe that's not appropriate with a monk - "I don't know the right thing!" he says before getting down on his knees and kissing the knot of his rope instead. It is Definitely Not that Pablo just does not want to hug him, nope.

Pablo's fed-up eyeroll on "I wonder if my brother remembers his brother" is very good. I can't believe these actors were each speaking a language the other didn't understand and just waiting for the other to pause to say their next line (Eli Wallach brings this up specifically as a really tough scene because of this). Talk about acting with a handicap. I take every hat off for how well they absolutely pulled it off -- this is honestly one of the best scenes in the movie.

"Did I do wrong?" he asks, like he's almost considering whether maybe Pablo thinks it was wrong of him to come here, but then nah, it doesn't matter! He's very happy!

"You have seen me, Tuco." Ouch. Implied, so goodbye. Tuco chooses not to take it that way!

All in all, Tuco's face for this whole thing is great, the genuine awkward reactions always dissolving into undaunted cheerful smiles as he keeps going, insistently trying to make this interaction normal. Eli Wallach is so good.

Pablo just stares him up and down after "I'm very glad I came!" "Oh, my uniform! It's a long story!" Yup, definitely just wondering about the uniform.

Tuco's trying so, so hard to bring back some long-lost brotherly dynamic that they used to have, sometime. "Let's talk about you, it's more important! You look well! A little thin, perhaps, but you were always thin, eh, Pablito?"

And then he asks about their parents. "Only now do you think of them." Pablo's so cold about it -- even though really Tuco hasn't mentioned them until now because he's been trying so hard to connect with Pablo! This is probably part of why Pablo's been so cold for this whole conversation; it's got to sting extra hard for him that Tuco's there playing up this cheerfulness when both their parents are now dead and he wasn't there.

Tuco is still trying hard to salvage this and be cheerful about it after Pablo tells him it's been nine years and it aches. Nine years! How time flies, ha-ha!

Instead Pablo tells him their mother's been dead for a long time, and also Tuco only just missed the death of his father, who had specifically asked for him. I'm pretty sure the implication is they've been at the monastery longer than the few days since his father's death, so theoretically he could probably have made it, if he'd known. Instead he's been here, grumbling about having to fetch things for Blondie. Oof.

Finally Tuco's resolve to be cheerful and normal about this is broken. I like how we don't really see him cry, just him turning away at the wall and the slight movement of his shoulder and tensing in his neck and the sound of his breathing. Any open display of emotion from Tuco would come across as pretty suspect, but it's precisely the fact he's hiding his reaction that drives home that it's 100% real.

When he finally turns away from the wall, it's to tell Pablo, voice cracking, that he didn't just have one wife, he had lots. He can find them wherever! He's doing great! (Normal people who are doing great definitely have lots of different wives they've run off from.)

He dares Pablo to preach him a sermon about it, but Pablo doesn't take the bait. Tuco wants to hear him do his usual thing of judging and condemning him so he can throw it back in his face right now.

Instead, Pablo goes, "The Lord have mercy on your soul," and Tuco responds that while he's waiting for the Lord to remember him he'll tell him something. Another great little bit that's effective because we've seen him being sincerely religious in his own Tuco sort of way, but of course really this extremely down-on-his-luck bandit feels pretty forgotten by God, even if he's only properly voicing it when he's just learned both his parents died in his absence.

In response to being judged and disdained for his (genuinely bad) choices all the time, Tuco has built up this whole defensive self-image of how really he took the harder path and Pablo's just a coward, and I love that a lot.

Pablo left to become a priest, while ten-or-twelve-year-old Tuco was left alone with his parents; the way he emphasizes that he stayed suggests that he felt he was there for them where Pablo had simply abandoned them. And yet, "I tried, but it was no good." The banditry probably originated out of desperation as a way to earn money to support his parents, or at least support himself without burdening them. And yet he ended up alienated from all of them as a result (of course he did, he's a wanted criminal). Oof.

Kind of fun how these two brothers hitting each other in the heat of the moment are actually possibly the most convincing physical strikes in the movie.

We only see Blondie watching now; we don't know exactly how long he was watching or how much he saw, whether he heard Tuco's whole backstory. But he definitely saw them come to blows, which is the really important bit about him watching.

The way Tuco helps Pablo up and then immediately turns away before Pablo can say anything more or make eye contact is a really good, painful acting choice.

Pablo saying his name, and Tuco stopping for a moment, starting to turn around, and then tossing his hand behind him and leaving anyway is also a really good, painful choice. They almost got to have what might have been a more reconciliatory conversation (Pablo says, "Please forgive me, brother," after he's gone), but Tuco was just expecting more judgement and hostility and decided not to bother.

This scene is so good. Tuco was already the most colorful character in this movie, but there's a huge amount of depth added via this conversation with Pablo -- not just some token effort in the form of the fact his parents are dead and he's sad about it, or the explicit exposition about him growing up in poverty and becoming a bandit because the only ways out were banditry or the priesthood, but all the little nuances and implications and Eli Wallach's performance of it all. Tuco's insistent way of looking for alternative explanations for Pablo's coldness at the start; his dogged, desperate efforts to lighten the mood; the particular genuineness of his reaction to the news about his parents and the way he then deflects all those feelings into anger at Pablo and at God; the painful, painful way that they part. It's such excellent character work, and it makes Tuco really, properly sympathetic, where he's been serving a pretty villainous role so far.

Nothing like a good cigar

Tuco silently joins Blondie on the wagon, obviously in a pretty sour mood, and Blondie doesn't say anything either as they set off. I expect at this point Blondie is fully intending to just not comment on what he saw. (Tuco, of course, doesn't realize he saw anything at all.)

But after a moment, Tuco decides to live in his best world. His brother is so great! He was just having soup with him! He never wants Tuco to leave when he visits! Earlier he expressly didn't want to let Blondie know he was going to see his brother, but now he says casually that oh yeah, his brother's the one in charge there, like he just sort of happened not to mention it before. His brother's very important and also crazy about him, and the great thing about having him is he'll always be there for him to give him a bowl of soup if he needs it. This is definitely what actually happened and not a bald-faced lie-slash-fantasy in which Tuco's fine and loved and appreciated and has a robust support network. (This lie, of course, very directly contradicts Tuco's previous lie to Blondie about how he's all alone in this world. He's so consistently shameless about not being remotely consistent with his own lies.)

(And, notably, the way Tuco's treating Blondie has abruptly shifted, too, even though no one's watching -- he's just having a casual chat, smiling, lightly bumping his shoulder at "Bring your friend, too!" Tuco is feeling shunned and rejected and needs a friend right now, and Blondie's the one guy he's got, who has been acting basically friendly to him, not returning his hostility -- so Tuco's just choosing to at least for a moment live in the world where yeah, sure, they're the best of friends and always have been.)

We may not know exactly how much Blondie heard, but he knows at minimum that actually they were not having soup, that Tuco's brother slapped him, and that he punched him in return. So he knows exactly how bullshit all of this is. And yet, he actually has a little smile at it and chooses not to contradict him, but instead to actively play along with the lie by telling him, "Well, after a meal, there's nothing like a good cigar." (There was no meal, after all, and Blondie knows it; he could have offered him a cigar without actively playing along with that bit, but he specifically chooses to do so.) In spite of all Tuco has done, Blondie hears his pathetic bullshitting about his brother and it actually endears him to him, makes him human.

It's very possible he heard more of Tuco's backstory, too, and perhaps developed some sympathy for him based on that, the way we have -- but the particular reaction he's having right now, the smile and the cigar, is a reaction to Tuco telling him this. It's such a blatant, pointless, specific lie, delivered with such a bizarre change of attitude, and all by itself it says so much about Tuco: that he craves positive relationships he doesn't have, that he was hurt enough by this encounter he doesn't want to admit or sit with how it really went, that he uses lying as a coping mechanism, that he lies to himself too, that ultimately he loves his brother and would rather talk him up and lie that they're tight than just complain about him, that he really needs a friend right now and Blondie is all he's got so he's just discarding the hostility to do this. It's pretty sad, and it really is very endearing. Look at this miserable little man and his pathetic, absurd ways of coping.

And the reason this works is Blondie was already honestly a little endeared to Tuco, in a strange way. Tuco had stopped representing a threat, and his Tuco-ness had become entertaining -- initially because Blondie was just having fun rubbing it in and watching him flail in his unique way. But it's not that far from there to seeing his humanity, and this bit of more obviously desperate Tuco-ness will do it. Tuco still tortured him, and Blondie has not and cannot forget that -- but alongside it he's starting to get him, a little bit, and it makes him sympathize with him.

(Blondie doesn't look at him while offering the cigar, though. Not getting too sentimental about it.)

Tuco looks at him for a long moment after taking the cigar, perhaps realizing Blondie might have seen or heard something (even Tuco suspects it's not that he just genuinely bought all that and wants to give him his cigar because it's good after a meal; this looks suspiciously like a gesture of sympathy). But then he just puts it in his mouth, and shares another brief look with Blondie, and then we can see this great progression on his face as he actively psyches himself up into one of his normal grins (love Eli Wallach so much, what a great actor who makes this film), just as we shift from the somber Father Ramirez music back to the upbeat main theme. Tuco is fine! Blondie is living in Tuco's best world where they're friends too! Everything is great!

This is another great, fascinating little character interaction. Tuco has a great need to create his own reality and act fine at all times (unless acting otherwise serves some other goal he has, of course), because actually his life kind of sucks, and lying and pretending, to himself and others, is just how he copes with everything. He didn't need to say anything to Blondie at all -- he didn't ask what Tuco was up to in there and wouldn't have asked -- but it just makes himself feel better about it to go rewrite reality into what he wants it to be and then affirm it by telling somebody else about it and acting like they're totally friends. And out of it comes this weirdly cute little bonding moment where Blondie's beginning to understand Tuco, and feel kind of sorry for him, despite everything. I love them.

The map

One more brief Italian/Extended Cut bit. Tuco's reading the map, looking at where they're going; Blondie asks about where they're headed, and Tuco catches himself and tells him he'll tell him when they get there. Dead soldiers are lying around; Blondie notes they're not worried about anything anymore and asks again about where they're going because they might get caught up in the war as they go on. Tuco, defensive, says they're going towards $200,000.

This mostly serves as the first ambiguous sign that Blondie has some sympathy for the dying soldiers, even though he's mentioning them briefly in the service of making a different point, while showing Tuco's still wary of telling Blondie anything that would render him unnecessary, afraid that then Blondie would just kill or ditch him and go for the gold himself. It's not a very important moment and the film wouldn't lose much without it, though I don't think I agree with the idea that Blondie's expressed sympathy for the soldiers here is too much for where we're at -- it's not exactly an outpouring of sentiment, just an observation about why the situation is dangerous that happens to involve him noticing the dead soldiers, and it certainly worked as a part of his character progression for me, though I also think it would work without it, with the prison camp being the first thing to spark his sympathy.

The one thing Blondie does do in the movie that sort of seems like he's invested in claiming the gold for himself is these intermittent moments where he asks Tuco about where they're going. But I'm not sure that's actually what's going on in these moments either. They're very casual and understated and, especially as the movie goes on, grow to feel more like he's trying to catch him out for his own amusement than any serious hope that it will work. And in the end, when Tuco does tell him the name of the cemetery, Blondie then does not in fact ditch or kill him to get the gold first, even though he easily could have. So all in all, it doesn't actually sound like he really hoped to learn the name of the cemetery so he could go find the gold himself without Tuco, even though Tuco obviously fears that.

So I think his stated reason for asking at this point is basically genuine. He's agreed to accompany Tuco, but they could be about to get themselves into danger, and it really might be less dangerous if they both know where they're headed. It's very understandable why Tuco won't, though -- Blondie's not telling Tuco anything for the same reason, after all -- so ultimately he can't insist too hard.

How do you do fellow Confederates

When Tuco spots troops he wakes up Blondie and is preparing to just take off his uniform immediately -- it's Blondie who asks if they're blue or gray (Tuco looks at his own uniform for a moment like he needs to double-check which arbitrary uniforms they have again before he looks off at the soldiers, enjoy that), and that's when Tuco figures well, okay, they're gray so I guess we don't need to. In other words, this is actually Blondie's fault, inadvertently; Tuco by default would have played it safe and gone with being civilians. (Though obviously Tuco's ridiculous over-the-top yelling did not help.)

"God's not on our side, 'cause he hates idiots also." Blondie is calling them collectively idiots. Blondie is a very smart guy but I enjoy how willing he is to include himself in that.

All in all, this silly scene is great because it's hilarious, but also just very fun about how utterly arbitrary the Civil War is to the main characters. It's just blue versus gray, yell out support for whichever color they're looking at while unclear on what the generals' names even are, whatever. Tuco obviously doesn't really know or care what the whole thing is about at all. Blondie is probably a little more familiar -- at least he knows what the generals are called -- but still only really invested in keeping himself out of it.

Of course, they sure do get caught up in it anyway. Off to prison camp!

Batterville

Time for the war to start to get a lot more prominent!

The wide shot of the camp as they're marched in shows gallows in the background, just where the framing draws the eye, with a man still hanging from a noose. We don't see any executions happening at the camp but we're sure incidentally shown that those also happen.

Love that moment of Wallace reading out "Bill Carson" and Angel Eyes turning around to reveal his face. We had no idea he'd be here, but the moment he shows up, it's what we've been waiting for all this time, and then he goes on to deliver by being magnificently striking in the whole camp sequence. Angel Eyes is somewhat underused in the movie overall, in terms of screentime and development, but half of the bits he does feature in just go so hard.

Kind of insane that he's a Union sergeant now; presumably he got promoted quickly for being amazingly competent, I guess (and I suppose once again it's very hard to actually get a grasp on the timespans involved).

Tuco, again, clearly has a bit of ambiguous history with Angel Eyes, compared to how Blondie and Angel Eyes are only really indicated to know of each other. I kind of enjoy that the movie doesn't get into exactly how any of these guys know each other at all and just leaves it up to implication and the viewer's imagination.

Tuco doesn't seem to have noticed and pointed out Angel Eyes until after he's turned around, so they probably have no reason to think Angel Eyes knows anything about Bill Carson. So when Blondie then suggests Tuco be Bill Carson, I think what he's thinking is that the guards are trying to identify who the prisoners are for purposes of arranging prisoner exchanges later, and that their best shot at getting out of here is to be identified as actual soldiers that might be exchanged -- obviously the Confederacy is hardly going to actually choose to exchange prisoners for people who were not actually soldiers. Bill Carson is the one name they know that's definitely not going to turn out to be somebody else present (and Tuco's already wearing his eyepatch while Blondie could never pass for him if there were any kind of physical description involved), so Tuco had better pretend to be him, and Blondie will cross his fingers for a different name coming up on the manifest later that no one else responds to that he can assume.

The other possibility for what's going on here, though, is that they do catch Angel Eyes reacting to Bill Carson specifically, and Blondie is gambling that Angel Eyes taking an interest could be a ticket out of here for both of them. That's a very interesting possibility, but I can't get it to make quite as much sense -- surely, if Blondie knows anything about Angel Eyes, he would probably know that being somebody Angel Eyes is looking for is probably a bad thing, and if he and Tuco know each other, then Angel Eyes presumably knows Tuco is not actually the Bill Carson he's looking for, so pretending to be Bill Carson doesn't seem like a super productive idea in that case. I can still see it being the intended reading, though -- notably, Blondie doesn't actually suggest Tuco be Bill Carson until after Tuco points out Angel Eyes even though Wallace had read out the name several times, which is the main evidence in favor of this, but that could also just be due to taking a moment to think and evaluate.

Either way, we cut briefly to Angel Eyes smirking at Wallace punching Tuco in the stomach for not saying "Present." Whatever sympathy he might have had for the soldiers back at the fort, it definitely does not extend to Tuco even a little bit. I think their ambiguous history might have something to do with that smirk.

On the other hand, he does then tell Wallace that that's enough when he's getting ready to beat on Tuco some more; probably he wants to save it for the actual interrogation. Angel Eyes enjoys violence but only really employs it in the service of his agenda, rather than pointlessly for the hell of it, as the plainly sadistic Wallace does.

(Blondie looks rankled at Wallace's abusiveness, and smiles a little as Tuco fires back at him.)

Tuco sounding earnestly excited about Angel Eyes saying they should get "good treatment" is painful. Blondie is decidedly less excited about it, and when Tuco sees that his expression changes as well -- enjoy him taking that cue from Blondie.

Angel Eyes justifies his treatment of the prisoners to the commandant first by saying there are too many prisoners and he needs to have respect and then by saying well, our men aren't treated well at Andersonville camp. I doubt either of these things actually has much to do with it; really he's probably torturing prisoners mostly because he wants info on Bill Carson and the treasure, and is obviously robbing them simply for monetary gain, but to his superiors he'll coolly rationalize all this with something that sounds less self-serving. I went down a bit of a Wikipedia rabbit hole about Civil War prison camps, and it sounds like "Confederate prison camps keep prisoners in terrible conditions, so we should be equally cruel" was genuinely an argument used to push for abusive treatment of PoWs in the North.

The poor gangrenous Union commandant is such a good, decent guy, bless him -- "I don't give a God damn what they do in Andersonville." Most genuinely moral person in the movie, probably. Unfortunately, though, although he is nominally in a position of power, he's basically confined to his room, and all he can really do about the malicious takeover of the camp by Angel Eyes and his abusive cronies is giving him stern talks that he blithely ignores.

When he says the prisoners are not to be tortured or cheated or murdered, Angel Eyes just says, "That an accusation?" Obviously he's been doing all that, but he knows the commandant can't prove it. Technically he just takes prisoners into his cabin while the band plays some lovely music! Maybe the injuries they walk out with are because they just happened to have a fall.

"But as long as I'm the commandant I won't permit any such trickery. Am I clear?" "Yes, sir. Just as long as you're the commandant." A lot of people seem to interpret this as Angel Eyes planning to kill him, but the way I read it is that he's making an oblique reference to how the commandant is not really commanding anything at this point; Angel Eyes is already, for all intents and purposes, running things. He doesn't need to kill him. I think that aligns with the fact we then see Angel Eyes just wish him luck on proving his abuses (God, he's such a smug bastard), leave, and then tell his men to lay low for a few days -- just don't give the commandant the chance to find the evidence he's hoping for, the gangrene will take him eventually anyway, and then probably Angel Eyes might get to officially take over after him, without all the potential complications of actually murdering him.

Angel Eyes truly marks his return to the story in style. Him being effectively in charge of the camp, and thus having absolute power over our now-imprisoned protagonists, while Tuco's blissfully impersonating the very man Angel Eyes has been after, is just such a delicious, exhilarating development and creates an enormous amount of dread and tension for this whole sequence.

Tuco's interrogation

Tuco's clearly nervous being brought in to Angel Eyes' cabin. Then Angel Eyes is being friendly, just offers him food -- so he excitedly sits down and brings a spoonful to his mouth, only to stop, suddenly worried that it's poisoned. So Angel Eyes spoons some off his plate and eats it himself, and Tuco smiles and laughs, going, "I knew it! I knew it!" We may never learn exactly in what capacity the two of them knew each other, but this progression tells a lot, delightfully: Tuco thinks Angel Eyes is somebody who might poison his food, but also goes "I knew it!" when he's shown he didn't, as if he'd never had any doubts. Odds are Tuco does have good reason to be distrustful of Angel Eyes, but once again he likes to live in his best world where people actually like him, so if Angel Eyes is acting friendly, and hasn't poisoned his food, then sure, Tuco will act as if they are the best of friends and he trusted him completely all along. Enjoy this being established implicitly via Tuco's reactions, without having to exposit anything.

The minute he saw him, he said to himself that Angel Eyes never forgets a friend! (He plainly did not say this to himself the minute he saw him.)

"It's good to see old friends again. Especially when they've come from so far away and have so much to talk about. And you do have a lot to talk about, haven't you?" I love the way Angel Eyes does these pre-interrogations, so surface-level friendly yet distinctly threatening. Tuco has a lot to talk about, doesn't he? If he talks enough, Angel Eyes might even not torture him. (But he'd probably still send him to be executed. No reason not to claim that $3000 bounty!)

Tuco smiles and chuckles about how hard it was crossing the desert, especially with nothing to drink. It sure was a hard time for somebody but it wasn't you, Tuco.

Tuco deflects the question about why he's using the name Bill Carson into simply a general rule of not using your own name, which is funny when Tuco is the one main character here who does explicitly go by his actual legal name and also routinely refers to himself in third person.

Enjoy Angel Eyes clapping his back just a bit too hard, as the tiniest taste of what is to come. At this point Tuco's definitely starting to have some creeping doubts about where this is going; we see his eyes flick to the side at it.

Tuco's eyes also shift distinctly back and forth after saying music's very good for the digestion. Definitely catching on that Angel Eyes is driving at something very different and trying to work out what, for all that he answers in a friendly and cheerful way. (Tuco started to question this a little bit when Angel Eyes asked why he's using the name Bill Carson, then a bit more so at the back-clap, then this.)

Once again, once Tuco starts actively refusing to answer Angel Eyes' questions, that's when he casually shifts into torture-mode, stands up to signal for the music to start, and then offers him tobacco only to clamp down on his fingers. The very smooth shift, without much of a real change in demeanor, is part of what makes Angel Eyes so striking as a villain. What a memorably fucked-up guy.

Tuco tries admirably to fight back against Wallace at the start, even with the disadvantage of being handcuffed to a chair the whole time. When Blondie was being tortured he was very calculated about quietly going along and taking it until he believed he had an opportunity; Tuco being tortured is so much messier, full of screaming and struggling, though as it goes on he becomes less able to fight back.

I love the buildup of this scene: the timing of the music swelling before Tuco's first scream; the way you gather the music is to drown out the noise, but the distraught looks of the musicians gain new meaning when the old man tells Blondie how so many of them have had a session in there; the violin player on the verge of tears suddenly cutting out and looking away and being snapped at to continue; all intercut with the movie's bloodiest scene. And, of course, the dissonance of the song they're singing itself, which sounds almost like a lullaby (only if you actually read the mostly-unintelligible lyrics, it's actually about war and all the pointless death involved: Loud roar the cannons till ruin remains / Blue grass and cotton burnt and forgotten / All hope seems gone, so soldier, march on to die; There in the distance a flag I can see / Scorched and in ribbons, but whose can it be? / How ends the story, whose is the glory? / Ask if we dare our comrades out there who sleep). This whole scene is so striking and so good; lots of movies have torture scenes, but the way the band is used makes this one so much more memorable.

(Blondie is silent as ever, but doesn't seem super comfortable there lined up on the other side of the walls staring over towards the cabins, gathering Tuco is probably being tortured in there, that other prisoners already have been, that he might be next.)

Angel Eyes smiling and leaning in as Wallace puts his thumbs on Tuco's eyes is such a touch of sadistic bastardry. (Interestingly, this footage is apparently not in the Italian version, and we instead cut back to Tuco there and actually watch him with Wallace's thumbs on his eyes screaming that he'll talk -- it was reedited to be slightly less violent for the international market, and the Extended Cut kept the international theatrical version of this scene because the only available Italian prints had weird abrupt cuts in the music that presumably resulted from the original version of the scene there getting cut down post-music placement. I do always enjoy more torture, and it's a shame they felt the need to censor it, but I think this shot of how much Angel Eyes is enjoying this is actually very good and effective.)

The two instances of Angel Eyes torturing people for information (first Maria and now Tuco) both end with them giving truthful information, though in neither case is it obviously a violation of the character's deeply held principles or anything (we don't really know much about Maria or her relationship with Bill, but as much as Tuco wants the money, he has every legitimate reason to be more invested in keeping his eyeballs). On the other hand, in order to facilitate this, Angel Eyes kind of just magically knows exactly when they've told all they know and their "I don't know" has become genuine (we can see on his face that he can tell immediately that Tuco means it this time). In real life, torturers generally have no actual idea when their victims are lying even if they think they do, which is one of the several reasons torture is a terrible way to obtain information. But I suppose I will file this with other instances of Angel Eyes being implausibly competent to make him scarier.

Tuco keeps muttering Blondie's name in a bit of a choked-up way after giving him up, which gives the sense that he feels a bit guilty at this point for condemning Blondie to what he assumes is the same fate -- though he's not going to show it later, of course, filing it away where he probably locks all other times he might have felt kind of bad for a thing.

All in all, what a good, brutal, memorable torture scene, A+. The whump as whump is one thing and not necessarily my favorite whump ever or anything (many of the strikes here don't look super convincing, for instance), but as a scene it's just such effective filmmaking, and the particular bloody brutality of it compared to all the sanitized gunshots we've had is such a stark and evocative contrast.

The war is over for you

I love the cut to Blondie being shoved in there just after Tuco has given him up (though alas, he will not be tortured this time), and then the bundle of clothes getting thrown at him from offscreen. The old prisoner told Blondie what goes on in the shack, so as he was sent in there he was fully expecting to be about to get beaten bloody for several minutes. Instead he's… being told to put on some clothes? Huh.

Blondie is amused when Angel Eyes announces he knows the name of the cemetery now and Blondie knows the name of the grave. Here we go again! I think initially he assumes maybe Tuco had just freely told him after all, looped him in on the treasure in exchange for letting them go. After all, Angel Eyes does not seem inclined to torture him at all, they couldn't hear much of anything over the band, and it gets implied later that at some point Tuco told Blondie he and Angel Eyes were old friends, which Blondie obviously would not have put any stock in initially but might seem to check out now…

…But then, as he's taken his hat off, getting ready to just shrug and comply, he eyes the blood on the floor, verifies with his foot that it's still fresh. An uncomfortable confirmation that no, Tuco did not in fact just casually spill the beans.

He asks, "You're not gonna give me the same treatment?", because that seems genuinely odd. If Angel Eyes did get the cemetery out of Tuco by force, why isn't he trying to get the grave out of Blondie? But he's noticeably feeling a bit for Tuco and what he implicitly suffered here; the lingering on the blood on the floor and his expression are pretty telling.

Angel Eyes notes that he figured Blondie wouldn't talk, not because he's tougher than Tuco but because he's smart enough to know that talking won't save him. Very true -- Blondie's calculated enough to figure once he gives up the information he's given up his only leverage, and by that point Angel Eyes would have zero reason to keep him alive anyway. Tuco, though, isn't quite as stupid as Angel Eyes thinks -- he does in fact end up both living and keeping his eyes, simply because talking when he did ultimately paid off by buying him time and opportunity to get free and kill Wallace later (though at the ostensible cost of giving up the money and probably getting Blondie tortured too, of course). Tuco couldn't have known that was likely to work out for him, but while he's there in agony and Wallace is threatening to put his eyes out, he'll take that chance, play it by ear and see what happens. That's not really how Blondie operates: he figures the information is the one thing what makes him valuable and if he wants to survive he needs to safeguard it at absolutely any cost. Angel Eyes understands that, and so he doesn't bother with trying to beat it out of him and just skips straight to the taking him along -- once again, his violence is in the service of his agenda, so if it wouldn't accomplish anything, why try?

(Of course, Blondie being smart enough to know talking won't save him is also why Blondie's smart enough not to lead them to the correct grave later. Foreshadowing!)

Blondie asks if Tuco's dead, hesitant, stopping before the last word. Perhaps this is the moment he realizes he actually hopes he's not.

Angel Eyes is in friendly mode with Blondie. It'll be easier with two of them! Even gives him back his gun -- Angel Eyes presumably figures he's not in danger from Blondie because, with Tuco gone, Blondie needs Angel Eyes to get the money, and obviously he wouldn't just squander that opportunity for no reason, right? Even so, when Blondie unholsters his gun, Angel Eyes slows down as he's putting on his jacket, watching him, probably prepared to react if Blondie were to point it anywhere unexpected.

But he doesn't, of course. Blondie is always one to wait for the best possible chance; if he were to shoot Angel Eyes in the middle of the prison camp he runs, it'd just alert the guards and get him killed. And of course, usually he wouldn't do it until such a time as Angel Eyes is getting ready to shoot him.

(Angel Eyes insists he's not greedy and only taking half, as an incentive for Blondie to actually come along and guide him to the correct grave, but once they do get to the grave, he of course just pulls a gun on Blondie -- he never actually intended to keep that promise.)

When someone at the train station (another injured soldier, missing an arm) asks where Wallace is taking Tuco, and Wallace says to Hell with a rope around his neck and a price on his head, Tuco adds, "Yeah. $3000, friend! That's a lot of money for a head. I bet they didn't even pay you a penny for your arm." It's extremely Tuco that as he's being taken to be hanged, with no Blondie to shoot him down, he's choosing to live in the world where this just makes him impressive and important.

Man, Wallace is so pointlessly violent with Tuco even when he's not even being ordered to torture him specifically. Very understandable how much utter loathing Tuco has for him in particular.

Wallace calls Tuco lucky compared to the Confederate spy who has been tied to the front of a train, because at least he's going to go relatively quickly. Jeez. Striking background elements.

Wallace also makes a quip about how there isn't any partner this time to shoot Tuco down -- he must've heard about the con he ran with Blondie from Angel Eyes, who witnessed them doing it together that one time during the second hanging.

All in all, we've just had yet another shift in the situation! Angel Eyes is now taking Blondie along with him towards the cemetery, while Tuco has been sent off to be executed. We've still got two guys who each know half of the secret -- but at this point, we're all rooting for Tuco to escape, aren't we. We've also got some very important signals here about Blondie's growing empathy for Tuco: the lingering look at the blood on the floor, how he hesitates asking if Tuco's dead. One way or another, he's grown to care for the guy, in spite of everything.

The perfect number

Blondie sleeps with his hand by his pistol, of course he does.

We see his eyes flick open briefly at the sound of footsteps, then he closes them again, and then a few seconds later after the camera has panned back to his hand, when the footsteps have already gone quiet, he suddenly grabs the gun and shoots. This suggests he wakes up at the noise but only decides to fire a bit later, after pretending he's still asleep for a bit. Initially I took it he'd just shot basically on reflex after hearing something in his sleep and then put together that it's someone Angel Eyes instructed to follow them, but on a closer look it doesn't actually look like that's what's going on. Instead, presumably Angel Eyes had told his guys to stay hidden, and this guy only stepped out into the open because Blondie was asleep -- only Blondie is a light sleeper, noticed, took a moment to think, and then decided to go for it.

I think his thought process must be essentially this: first he deduces this guy must be working for Angel Eyes -- either recognizing him from Batterville or just noting that he seems totally unsurprised to see him and Angel Eyes sleeping there. And while traveling to the cemetery along with one guy gives Blondie a pretty good chance of making it out of this alive, Angel Eyes having hidden cronies following them in the shadows is plainly designed to stack the deck hopelessly against him. Blondie is never going to survive this if there's going to be a hidden assassin or more lying in wait (obviously he's not buying that Angel Eyes is doing this just to fairly split the gold with Blondie and then let him go). So he makes a snap judgement to take down at least this one and call Angel Eyes out, knowing once again that because he knows the grave he's too valuable to kill right now.

(This is definitely the most unprompted murder Blondie does in the movie, though -- this guy definitely wasn't drawing his gun, just existing as a future threat to Blondie. RIP.)

Either way, "If your friends stay out in the damp, they're liable to catch a cold, aren't they? …Or a bullet," is a fun one-liner. Blondie shooting them is just something unfortunate that might happen, the way catching a cold happens. (But really, he's warning Angel Eyes that he's on to him with the hidden assassins and he will shoot if he catches any more sneaking around.)

Angel Eyes just looks amused and impressed that Blondie just killed one of his men. Normal reactions that normal people have.

Presumably Angel Eyes tells his men to come out because Blondie just threatened to kill them if they stay hidden, hoping to pacify him. But Blondie still has his leverage, so he just as good as announces airily that he's still planning to kill them all. Angel Eyes may laugh, and be willing to call his bluff as far as his own self is concerned due to the Blondie also can't get the money without him thing, but his poor lackeys must be sweating -- Blondie is running around with a gun, he's just promised to kill them all, and Angel Eyes almost certainly wants the money, and thus Blondie alive, more than he cares about the lives of any of them.

I guess the lackeys aren't too keen on their prospects if they were to attempt to disarm Blondie right now, and if anyone actually dared to shoot him before Angel Eyes' say-so, they could expect his wrath. It's sort of surprising none of them attempt to just get the hell out of there at this point, though -- everyone just shrugging after this while Blondie is there with his gun and a designated bullet for each of them sure is something.

Blondie may in fact have been going for trying to scare off the lackeys. He does not actually think he has much of a chance alone against six men -- hence why he doesn't in fact make a move until he manages to team back up with Tuco later.

He does also say, "Since we're all going in the same direction, might as well go together," which vaguely suggests he's not planning to murder them all right now or anything -- which gives them a bit of time to desert Angel Eyes, if they're going to.

Sometimes the phrasing of lines in the English dub is kind of funny or off, and I just write it off because it's a live-action dub trying its best to vaguely match the lip flaps (sometimes pretty successfully, sometimes a lot less so). But Blondie explicitly spelling out that six is the perfect number because it's the number of bullets in his gun is one instance where I feel like the writing itself is legitimately just kind of clunky in a distracting way. The line about six being the perfect number is good and fun, if the audience is trusted to infer what he means; the spelling-out is unnecessary and exacerbates the sense that Angel Eyes and his men are kind of idiot balling here (you mean to tell me that Angel Eyes, the picture of hypercompetence and master of threatening insinuations, heard him go, "Six. Perfect number :)))", just after shooting one guy and then reloading his revolver with another bullet, and couldn't tell what he meant?).

(Also, why does Blondie say he has six more bullets in his gun. That would imply it's six in addition to the one he's just fired, but no, the one he fired left him with five and that's why he just had to replace that one. Surely the sensible line would be to just say he has six bullets in his gun, no more.)

Incidentally, six really is what is called a perfect number in mathematics (it equals the sum of its integer divisors). Obviously this is not what either Blondie or Angel Eyes is talking about. It might have made at least somewhat more sense if Angel Eyes had said something about the actual concept called a perfect number of which six is genuinely an example (it would still be implying Angel Eyes is somehow enough of a nerd about math, and thinks Blondie is enough of a nerd about math, to think of that first, but at least it would be an explanation for him taking it to be anything other than a reference to the number of bullets in a revolver), but no, saying three is the perfect number rules out that Angel Eyes knows about perfect numbers, because three is not a perfect number. Terrible.

All in all, "Isn't three the perfect number?" "Yeah. But I got six more bullets in my gun," is definitively by far the worst bit of dialogue in this movie on several different levels, thank you for coming to my TED talk.

This one's another Italian/Extended Cut scene, and while it has a couple of fun lines, and fun implications about Blondie's normal paranoid existence, I think it kind of raises more questions than it answers. I suppose the reason it's there originally is that without it, Angel Eyes explicitly says to Blondie that there's going to be two of them at Batterville only to have five additional guys there next time we see them with no comment; we can pretty easily infer that these are the same crooks he was working with for the smuggling operation at the camp either way (that bit isn't even mentioned in this scene anyway!), but the explicit presentation of it initially as a two-person operation becomes a little strange if a bunch more people then appear for it with no explanation at all. That's a valid concern, I suppose, but meanwhile this scene has that straight-up bad bit of dialogue, and while its implications for the metaphorical chess match between Blondie and Angel Eyes and his men are interesting (I kind of enjoy how confidently both Blondie and Angel Eyes call each other's bluffs here), they're a little nuts, and the movie is probably more coherent if we skip this scene and are left to assume Blondie's simply biding his time and Angel Eyes and his men fully assumed he was willingly cooperating and on board with accompanying them all to the cemetery, even if Blondie's initial reaction to Angel Eyes going, "Oh, by the way, these five guys are coming along too," somewhere offscreen is left to the imagination.

Tuco escapes

This is another bit of Tuco being very resourceful and thinking on his feet. Originally he was trying to reach for the gun in Wallace's holster, but when Wallace catches him he immediately comes up with wanting to take a leak. Gun doesn't work to shoot the chain? Try using it as a hammer, and then a different rock, and then try using a train as a bolt cutter, and then jump onto the train while he's at it.

Wallace already looks unconscious by the time they've rolled down the hill away from the train -- Tuco's just making sure he's very, very dead. The smashing his head into a visibly pointed rock several times is very brutal and also kind of drives home all that Wallace has done to him, which is clearly fueling Tuco in his fervor here.

I enjoy that Tuco briefly looks at the blood on his hand after doing it and then just dries it in the sand. I wonder if he's killed anyone quite so directly with his own two hands before. Either way, though, he is not one to linger on it.

"You made a lot of noise, my friend, huh?" he says, calling back to his little seething remark from the first scene where Wallace beat on him about liking how big, fat men like him make more noise when they fall and sometimes they never stand up -- another little bit tying it more directly back to Wallace's abuse.

I enjoy how Tuco is tangibly pretty scared to be up there so close to the moving train, but he sure is still doing it.

Most brutal fate in this movie is definitely Wallace. Pulled out of a moving train, head bashed several times into a pointy rock, then laid down on a train track where he gets dragged along the track for a bit. Eeesh. Certainly a very conscious choice that he's the most violently sadistic character here; Angel Eyes, again, may be an evil bastard, but all of his violence is serving some purpose for him, whereas Wallace has constantly been pointlessly violent just to be cruel.

The ghost town

This movie being very striking even in an incidental scene: the guy made to carry his own coffin to his execution. His crime is explicitly, according to the sign he's also been made to carry, just that he's a thief. What a horrid, awful little background event.

(In this movie, there are six different scenes involving executions or something resembling them in some form, legal or extrajudicial: Tuco's two hangings, Tuco trying to hang Blondie, Shorty's hanging, this guy being executed by firing squad, and Blondie hanging Tuco at the end. In addition to all this, there's how Tuco is going to be hanged when he escapes, and then there's the background gallows at the prison camp. As someone with a thing for executions in fiction, I am truly, shamelessly feasting here. There are many, many other reasons I enjoy this movie, 30k+ words' worth as I am currently demonstrating, but "several hangings and a firing squad" definitely does not hurt.)

Tuco has new clothes here, so clearly we've had some time in between where he managed to get new ones -- he didn't just step off that train he caught or anything. Very reasonably, I assume he ditched the Confederate uniform as soon as possible after what that got them into.

Man, this town really is shot to hell and back. Very tangible sense of how the war has just utterly destroyed it. And yet, once again it's not the main characters' biggest concern, really. It's just a place they're passing through.

Tuco, choosing to just casually use someone else's abandoned bathwater and pour the entire contents of several jars of different bath salts into it. Likewise with the multiple times he licks soap. What a madman.

I love that the purpose of the one-armed bounty hunter is just to be somebody for Tuco to shoot in this town so that Blondie can recognize the sound of his gun and come find him. That's literally all this means for the plot, but they just make a hilarious little sequence and continuity gag out of it, with Tuco being his delightful self with the "When you have to shoot, shoot, don't talk!" line, and that's an iconic choice.

(Tuco, as ever, applies pretty different standards to himself -- he sure could've just shot Blondie on multiple occasions if he really wanted to, but first wanted elaborate revenge, then hesitated, took the time to say goodbye, and then ultimately got interupted. But it's all very personal with Blondie. Random bounty hunter #3? He's just shooting. Bet it was very personal on random bounty hunter #3's end too, though.)

Likewise, Blondie has befriended a tiny stray kitten, who probably just happened to wander into his hat, and calls the kitten 'large one'. It's adorable, and instantly makes Blondie 500% more charming, and also its actual purpose is that there is no way Blondie would explain out loud for the benefit of the audience here why he's standing up to find Tuco unless he had someone to say it to who isn't Angel Eyes' men. Solution? He says it to a random kitten who's there now. A completely shameless approach that totally serves its purpose and adds to the characterization in the process: like Tuco's religiosity, it doesn't mean anything for the plot per se that Blondie is somebody who would see a stray kitten climbing into his hat, gently lift it and pet the kitten and address it by a cute ironic moniker and tell it what he's thinking, but it just adds a little bit of charming extra dimension to him. (And it reinforces the capacity for empathy that he has but has been very quiet about showing so far.)

(Incidentally, even though he was genuinely speaking English on set, you can tell Clint Eastwood's lips aren't totally in sync here, and I gather the Italian line here is just something closer to, "Every gun makes its own sound, and I recognize that one." Is "large one" a product of Mickey Knox doing a rewrite but trying to match it to the lip flaps of a line that originally ended in "that one"? If so, truly the best dubbing choice of all time. The kitten is already adorable, but Blondie calling them large one, my heart.)

That's not to say they couldn't possibly have conveyed that point in a different way, mind. We could see Blondie look up silently and walk away and then tell Tuco when he shows up that he followed the sound of his gun (definitely wouldn't be unreasonable or out of character for Tuco to ask about that). It would have been a little awkward, though, since the actual trigger for him silently getting up would have been taking place a little before the cut to him doing so (and we can't cut straight after the gunshots, because then we would lose "When you have to shoot, shoot, don't talk!", which we definitely cannot). Instead, kitten. Excellent.

(On the other hand, I am very sad for this stray kitten wandering around a ghost town as all the people are leaving. Noooooo please tell me Large One is okay)

(If Tuco has the same gun as before, that must mean Wallace had and was carrying Tuco's gun, and then he took it with him before catching the train, after initially throwing it away in frustration? I don't know guns well enough to tell if it's genuinely all the same gun.)

Angel Eyes sending only one guy after Blondie really makes considerably less sense with Blondie having explicitly threatened to kill all of them in the perfect number scene, doesn't it. Without that scene, it checks out that Angel Eyes wants to keep an eye on Blondie but doesn't immediately have any particular reason to think he's about to betray them or liable to attack anyone; with it, it's a wonder Clem doesn't protest.

RIP Clem. Blondie may jump him when he turns a corner, but even he has his hand on his gun before Blondie actually shoots him, though he freezes and stops drawing it before Blondie actually shoots. (Would he have even gone on to actually shoot Blondie if he'd gotten the chance? Well, Angel Eyes still wants him alive… but perhaps Clem might have tried to shoot him somewhere debilitating but not fatal, which is a thing that generally never happens onscreen in this movie but is clearly something that hypothetically can happen, what with all the injured soldiers with lost limbs.)

Things were once again looking pretty bleak for Blondie here. It was always extremely unlikely he could take out six men on his own, even if he did threaten to do so. He could create an opportunity with Clem, because Angel Eyes sent one guy after him, but it's doubtful he'd ever have been able to pull that more than once; all in all, all roads seem to lead to inescapably getting killed at the cemetery while outnumbered. But then he recognizes Tuco's gun. And if there were two of them, maybe they would have a chance at whittling down Angel Eyes' men. Regardless of anything else, he can easily assume that Tuco will agree to join him: that gets Tuco back in the race for the money.

So why was hearing Tuco's gun perfect timing, anyway? I'm enjoying the thought that Blondie was actually starting to consider attempting something foolish on his own by the time those shots rang out. If what I think I read about the Italian line is accurate, perfect timing is an English dub only thing, but it does create some fun potential implications.

Reunion

Love Tuco playing with the bubbles in the bath; what a ridiculous lovable problem man. Sometimes he's not only naïve but outright childlike.

"Just give me a little time to get dressed and I'll open up!" says Tuco, presumably assuming it's more people here to kill him and hoping he can get the jump on them if they think he's oblivious and are expecting to wait. Instead, it's Blondie on the other side of the room, pointing a gun at him, having distracted Tuco with the front door while coming in from the back -- much like Tuco did to him back at the inn. Parallels!

Blondie opens by telling him to put his drawers on and take his gun off. Instead, Tuco takes his gun off but then gets distracted by wait, how is he here, so he just stands there stark naked for this whole bit and Blondie just takes it in stride without comment. Amazing.

Presumably, Tuco's assumption here was that after Wallace took him away from Batterville, Angel Eyes would have had Blondie tortured as well, and then either killed him too or just kept him locked up. (Naturally, though he seemed to be feeling a bit of guilt about giving up Blondie in the wake of the torture, by now he has suppressed any sense of guilt or regret for this.) Blondie instead being seemingly alive and unscathed and out of there is suspicious.

Blondie says he's here with "your old friend, Angel Eyes". We didn't actually see Tuco talk to Blondie about Angel Eyes on-screen, only "Hey, Blondie, isn't that Angel Eyes?", but it tracks that Tuco would have told him they were old friends, because of course he did because they were definitely friends, and of course Blondie makes a little ironic jab at it now, after Angel Eyes cold-bloodedly had Tuco tortured.

Tuco sounds legitimately angry at the thought that Blondie talked, despite that he himself talked, and gave up Blondie specifically. Very Tuco moment. As ever, he just applies very different standards to himself, who will just do whatever he needs to do, than to others. And I think he legitimately hadn't expected Blondie to talk. How dare he give Angel Eyes the secret when he wouldn't give it to him?!

Blondie could so easily make at least a bit of a jab at the fact Tuco not only talked but obviously gave up Blondie specifically, too. But instead he chooses to completely ignore that bit and just say nah, he didn't talk, and I love that. Blondie does not want to get on his case for whatever he said under torture, and the blatant hypocrisy is just Tuco being Tuco, something that he understands and expects and tunes out by now.

Tuco is so happy when he realizes Blondie is the only one who knows his half of the secret and he's choosing Tuco, and it kind of breaks my heart. In his naïve way, he just figures Blondie wanted to find the treasure with him rather than Angel Eyes, and he's just over the moon about it -- Blondie likes him! Actually went out of his way to come find him!

I love "I get dressed, I kill him, be right back." Obviously if Blondie came here with Angel Eyes and then ditched him and came to Tuco instead, Angel Eyes has got to be seeing red and looking for Blondie right now, and he's a loose end generally, and in Tuco's elation about being Blondie's preferred partner, going out and casually killing Angel Eyes just seems like a simple no-big-deal task! He'll be right back!

When Blondie says there's five of them, Tuco's face falls, because oh, that's not quite a simple no-big-deal task even in his current state of inflated confidence. And then, when Blondie confirms… his eyes narrow a bit. "So that's why you came to Tuco." In other words, not because he just likes Tuco better and wants to share the treasure with him instead, but because if Blondie tells them or shows them the correct grave, he is absolutely 100% dead if he's up against five guys. It's a practical calculus after all, when Tuco so plainly wanted it to be because Blondie just likes him better.

But then he just goes, "It doesn't matter! I'll kill them all!" He's going to prove his worth to Blondie, by singlehandedly killing those five dudes, and thus render himself irreplaceable again. He can totally do that. Definitely.

This may be one of my favorite scenes? I love Tuco playing in the bath, Blondie sneaking up on him in the same way as Tuco snuck up on him at the inn, the way Tuco starts at the sound of his gun cocking, the delightful comic energy of Tuco forgetting that he's still standing there naked for this whole conversation, Blondie quietly choosing to let "You traitor, you talked!" go, Tuco's emotional progression and Eli Wallach just being an absolute joy in his portrayal of him as usual. It's so revealing how thrilled Tuco is about thinking Blondie would just rather find the treasure with him and how he shifts when he realizes that's not actually why -- but Blondie genuinely does kind of like this ridiculous man in spite of himself, even though there are cold, practical reasons behind why teaming up with Tuco again is his best bet. I love this complicated, fucked-up, utterly fascinating character dynamic and how we're still adding more delightful layers to it two thirds in.

Two against five

Angel Eyes is still maintaining he wants Blondie alive to his men, but they're free to kill Tuco.

Blondie lets Tuco go out there, determined to do this on his own, before actually joining him. When Tuco notices him, he's watching him there and just smiling, marveling at this guy. Tuco really is fully planning to just go and singlehandedly confront Angel Eyes and four other men. Plainly something Blondie himself would have been too methodical and careful to even attempt under most any circumstances (which is indeed why he came to Tuco), and yet Tuco's just unquestioningly doing it, choosing to live in the world where this isn't almost certainly going to get him killed.

"Were you gonna die alone?" is just cute. Blondie really wasn't expecting him to go do it alone -- the whole point was they'd have a chance if it was the two of them together. It's pretty likely that they'll die anyway, but they really do have the best shot working in tandem.

I enjoy how you can see how it takes a moment for Tuco to even parse what he means, but then comes that cautious bit of a smile and the theme music kicks in, and awww yeah! Look at them, working together!

Tuco gets the first guy before Blondie notices him, and Blondie gives him this slightly impressed look, and Tuco crosses himself because of course he does and then moves on, and we see Blondie smile a little bit at that too before they continue. Just Tuco things. Blondie's missed him a bit, hasn't he.

I can't believe the two guys who are behind them with a pretty clear line of sight but don't shoot, and then a rogue cannonball kicks up dust so they can't see and then Blondie and Tuco take them out in succession by drawing their attention and then shooting. I guess they were too distracted hearing the cannonball falling by the time the camera made them fully visible.

Tuco's little wink after that one is a delight. He's just having fun.

In terms of the actual action, this sequence isn't that interesting -- Angel Eyes' men are not really characters and don't feel very competent or threatening at all, there's never a real sense that Blondie and Tuco are in serious danger, they barely even actually get shot at, and every time they shoot they just instantly kill the other guy, with not much real tension about it. But really it's a sequence about Blondie and Tuco genuinely working well together. First Tuco kills one Blondie didn't notice, then they each get one in a coordinated effort, then Blondie gets one Tuco didn't notice. They make equal contributions, compensating for each other's weaknesses, and it all works out smoothly, where they cover each other and enhance each other's skills rather than getting in one another's way.

Tuco says Angel Eyes is his and Blondie just says, "All right," a little sign of respect. Angel Eyes did have Tuco tortured, so it seems only right. (Later, though, when it really matters, he will absolutely not leave Angel Eyes to Tuco -- too careful.)

Love Tuco stumbling over reading the word "idiots". He grew up in poverty and probably had zero formal education; he's obviously learned the alphabet and can theoretically read, but for anything but the most common words it clearly takes him a bit of trying to sound things out. Another character trait that's not necessary for anything but it's just fun and adds even more flavor and texture to him, like his religiosity.

Blondie reading it for him and then going "It's for you" and handing it to him is a great gag and also reads fully as good-natured ribbing at this point and it's great -- Tuco doesn't even react to him making that joke, just tears up the piece of paper.

(On the other hand, the Doylist reason he doesn't react is that, as Christopher Frayling's commentary points out, you can tell from Clint Eastwood's lips that on set he said, "It's for us." Again, I love "It's for you"; it's definitely a funnier line, and the comic timing with Blondie handing Tuco the paper is perfect, and the sense of friendly ribbing is great. But what I do enjoy about "It's for us" is that it calls back to the other time Blondie called the two of them collectively idiots, namely, "God's not on our side, 'cause he hates idiots also," and I really do enjoy Blondie calling them both idiots as a pair being not just a somewhat ambiguous one-off thing but a habit. I will take on board the fun implications about his character while considering "It's for you" canon.)

One sequence and the movie has successfully sold us on Blondie and Tuco collaborating in a perfectly genuine way. Last time, we ended on the delightful moment where these two guys who hate each other are going to have to set it aside and work together anyway; by now, an hour later, I was sincerely rooting for them to both make it out of this alive and actually split the treasure together, and that's a marvel after how the entire first half of this movie went. It's just an all-around delight and their dynamic is so much fun. I love them.

(Concluded in part three! Thanks for reading if you have been.)

[curioushappenstance]

fic title: do you like my dress? it's got pockets [chapter 2]

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Summary: 9:19 Dragon – Varric Tethras loses his virginity to a pretty dwarf girl at the bar. 9:41 Dragon - The consequence walks through the gates of Skyhold. - In my childish fantasies, I used to dream of being the Champion; going places, meeting people, loving them and being loved in return, never discarded nor kicked nor beaten; love, in perpetuity, the likes of which a girl under the heavy and forceful hand of a mother could not begin to dream of, because she could not dream at all. - aka, the fic where varric has a daughter that he didn't know about until five minutes ago.

“I’m seein’ doubles.”

Varric squinted and un-squinted his eyes at the wall of the infirmary, a beaten-down overfull hovel with soldiers desperate for care groaning in dissonance with the moan of creaking wood. One healer—a bald elf—deligated himself to sighing heavily, shaking his head, and grumbling under his breath as he stitched and dressed Varric’s wound.

Varric, meanwhile, had a sheepish, pained grin the whole time.

“I am hardly surprised,” the elf sighed, again, his gaze briefly passing over me, entirely placid yet simultaneously scrutinising. I sunk into my seat, hiding under my blanket, heavy and warm against the world. “Somehow, when there is trouble, it is always you at the centre of it.”

“Ack. You know me, Chuckles. I can’t help it.”

“Indeed.”

Between disgruntled jokes and forced laughs, there was a permeating silence that made me shrink further and further under my blanket.

Varric didn’t look at me at all.

Apprehension, dislike, fear… I couldn’t say, and I didn’t want to. I didn’t need his approval or his care, but to watch my last attempt at normalcy stream into the drain like the floodwaters on the streets… and to know it was my fault?

“You’re not to—Varric. Varric?”

“Huh?”

“You’re not to sleep until the symptoms pass.”

Varric scoffed. “As if I could anyway.” The elf slapped his hand away from the dressing when he attempted to poke at it. “Why are you even down here? Why aren’t you, I dunno, reading, or dreaming, or… whatever it is you do.”

“I would be remiss not to lend my services as a mage to the returning soldiers.” The elf lent him an accusing stare. “Why are you cavorting in taverns and being assaulted by dwarven women?”

“Aw, Chuckles, it’s like you don’t even know me. Being assaulted by women is my favourite pastime.” Under his breath, he grumbled, “Just ask the Seeker.”

The blanket covered up to my nose now, and my voice was muffled and high-pitched. “Is that what she was apologising for?”

He finally looked at me.

Beady brown eyes, still slightly red, raked over my half-concealed face, so suddenly focused he didn’t flinch at the elf applying elfroot paste to his dressing.

“Huh. I forgot you were there for that.”

“Most people do,” I said. “Is it…” I squinted over the blanket. The elf squinted at Varric’s head. “Is it bad?”

“Huh, the wound? Nah, it—” he did flinch this time, “—it probably looks a lot worse than it actually is.”

I nodded. He continued.

“That’s usually how it goes. They bleed, and they bleed… one time, Hawke and I were—” he faltered, humming then continuing, “drunk. And he got startled so easily, you know? Some poor kid bumped into him on the street, and before he knew it, kid was on the ground, wailing, because Hawke’d lit his hair on fire… so, you know, as far as things go, the mug wasn’t so bad.”

I stared. “Was the boy alright?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, ‘course. Blondie doused him. Didn’t even leave a scar. A physical one, anyway.”

“And ‘Blondie’ was blond?”

“He told everyone he was ginger! I had to set him straight somehow.”

“I suppose it’s a better nickname than Rocky.”

“ Most nicknames are better than Rocky,” the elf said. “I’m finished. Do not touch the—look at me, Child of the Stone, do not touch the dressing. ”

“But my wandering hands!’

“Varric.”

“Fine, yeah, whatever. I can go now?”

“No drinking.”

“You have my word, Chuckles.”

The elf grunted. The nickname seemed a bit ironic. “I would not trust your word as far as I could throw you.”

A smart man.

Varric stood, slowly, swaying slightly, using the wall behind him as a support. “Give yourself more credit. That huge staff you swing around has to be at least as heavy as some dwarves.”

“Some, certainly. Not you.”

“Ouch. You could lift me. On your shoulders, maybe?”

“No.” The elf gestured to the door in a plea for us to leave.

“Hmph.” Varric dragged his feet, and me after him. He gazed straight past me. “I’ll just ask Tiny.”

“You will absolutely not. ”

The door closed behind us.

The cold air, the way the breeze hit my skin—it wasn’t a reprieve from how he looked at me now. Distant, a little. Glazed, unfocused, and so, so, so large.

He dug something out of his pocket.

“It’s—” He fumbled with it, mother’s letter, in trembling hands. “Isana, right? Am I pronouncing…”

“Ee-sah-nah.”

“Isana. Isana. Kinda sounds—”

“It’s dwarven.” I held the blanket closer around my shoulders. “It means lyrium.”

He made a gargled, choking noise. “ ‘Course it does. Shit. Are you—” another noise, but different this time, apprehensive and maybe even afraid. “Are you sure?”

“Sure?”

“That you—that you’re—”

“Mother was sure.”

“Right.” He looked down at the letter again. Spindly words, just out of reach… I still didn’t know what it said, but he was shaking. “Your mother.”

“She’s dead.”

“Yeah.”

Yeah.

Not ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘my condolences’... just acknowledge, and move on? I clenched and unclenched my fists under the blanbket. “The Carta killed her.”

His eyes darted up. “The Carta?”

“They’re after me too. Kirkwall isn’t safe, so I’ll go back for her funeral, and then I’m gone, I suppose.”

His jaw was clenched and his eyebrows were sad. “Where’ll you go?”

I didn’t know. “Starkhaven?”

“Nah. That’s crawling with Carta. You’ll need to—” He made a frustrated noise. “You got coin?”

“A few coppers. I spent my remaining silver on passage and I think the captain swindled me.”

He grumbled, folded the letter into his pocket, and adjusted his coat collar. Why wear a coat at all if he was going to flash his whole chest like that? “Let’s talk somewhere else.”

‘Somewhere else’ meant his private quarters, which sat in a tower up too many flights of stairs. Huffing, he sighed with exasperation and relief when he finally unlocked his door.

“I’ll figure something out for you. I have contacts in the Carta, I’m sure I can…”

“What, talk to them?”

“Eh, it’s what I’m good at.” He grinned lopsidedly, tossing his keys onto an ink-stained, parchment-covered desk. It looked like a hurricane had ripped through it, but peering closer, I could make vague send of some sort of—admittedly insane—organisation system.

“So I heard.”

“You heard?”

“From varying people.” I sighed. The room was cold, and dark, and a little bit musty, but I didn’t think it was his fault. Such were old castle ruins, decaying after centuries of disrepair. A dishevelled bed have been shoved into one corner, its blankets askew and the pillow stained. He sat down on it.

“Yeah?”

“From mother, merchants, back-alley backstabbers, drunkards—”

“I get the picture.”

“—a few noble ladies, once, but I don’t think they cared so much about your words, more your mouth.”

He chuckled. “Noble ladies, huh?”

“Human. Your type?”

“Usually not.”

I reclined into his desk chair—made for a human, but he’d shortened it by chopping the legs down. I folded the blanket into my lap. He eyed it. Or eyed me. I couldn’t tell, with how the dark room shrouded his gaze.

His bed creaked as he crossed his legs. “Can you fight?”

I considered this. I knew how to stab, but not where. I couldn’t throw a punch or aim an arrow or a bolt; the daggers on my belt had never been used for anything other than cutting rope.

He sensed my hesitation. “If someone came at you with a knife…”

Could I defend myself? Could I defend someone else? Had I defended mother?

“No.”

He blew out a breath through his teeth so it sounded more like a hiss. I felt I could read his thoughts from his expression; waste of time, stupid mistake. He kicked his heels against the bedframe in a rhythmic tapping, like water from a stalactite, before breathing in again.

“Okay,” he said. “You need to stay here.”

“No.”

The tapping stopped, started, then stopped again. “No?”

“I can’t. I’m leaving tomorrow.”

“Kid—” He clutched his hands together, the tapping faster. “There’s nowhere you can go that the Carta won’t find you, except right here, in Skyhold.”

“Are you saying there's no Carta here?”

“Not… exactly. But the Nightingale vets everyone who walks through those gates, even you. If there’s Carta, she knows, and if they’re the type to cause trouble, she knows that too. You’re safe. Why are they after you, anyway?”

I stood and crossed the room. The blanket thudded to the floor. I picked up a stray vase, chipped on the rim, completely empty aside from some dry algae at the bottom from when there used to be flowers. What kinds, I wondered? Could flowers grow in the snow?

“Will you be angry?”

A brief pause. “I—I can’t see why I would be?”

I looked at him, then the vase again. Sometimes flowers grew between the cracks in the tiles in Lowtown. Small daisies in the aftermath of hurricanes, nothing fancy or beautiful, but it was a picture of nature that, as a child, was everything to me. A reprieve from the ire of the world. The beauty after the storm.

Varric didn’t seem the flowers type.

I thumbed at the chip in the vase. “There was a human.”

He grunted. “Tends to be.”

“He treated me kindly, so I trusted him.”

“Okay.”

“I told him about you. About me in relation to you, I mean, but… but the Carta offered him coin.”

Varric swore. I looked up briefly enough to watch him drag a hand through his hair and then pull on it. Hard.

“What, to, to get to me? Because they thought—”

“Thought I mattered to you?”

He looked down then away. Shame, guilt, things I knew all too well, and in the pit of my chest I was glad to see him suffer them too. I rejoiced in the hunch of his shoulders and the nervous tap, tap, tapping, a rhythm that faltered when his breath stuttered.

“This human,” he finally grumbled, “used to be a friend?”

I hesitated. “Something of the sort.”

“Uh… a lover?”

I clutched the vase tighter. I choked the neck of it. “Sometimes.”

“Name? Description?”

“Already dead.” Cold and blue. “I—” I let go of a deep breath. “The Carta killed him.”

Varric poked at his dressing in subconscious motions. Constant shifting, unable to be still, be silent. Did he like the sound of his own voice, or was it painful to stop?

He sighed. “Alright. Ultimatum. Stay here long enough for me to figure something out. It’ll be a good distraction for me anyway, so no loss, right?”

I knew nothing and no one. I had no employable skills, nothing to give, and no reason for people to want me to stay. In what world was that safe?

And beyond that—there were qunari here. I was glad when the last of the oxmen were driven out of Kirkwall, when the provisional viscount expelled the remaining remnants from the city. Sleepless nights had been spent under the cover of my blanket, shivering and staring out the window, waiting for a pair of pointed horns to block the light of the moon, and I couldn’t—

I couldn’t do that again.

“The qunari in the bar…” I murmured.

“You mean Tiny?” Varric sounded amused. “He’s a lot, but you get used to him.”

I wouldn’t. I knew I wouldn’t.

I put the vase down.

“Who do I talk to about lodging?”

-

“I––I know it’s short notice, Ruffles, but maybe something comfortable for her?”

I wasn’t sure what to expect from the Lady Ambassador. Someone stern, hard and harsh enough to handle sleazy nobles without insulting or disrespecting them, but following Varric into her office and being overcome by coffee, floral perfume, and a frilly, preppy Antivan; I didn’t know how I could’ve expected anything different.

“I’m sure something can be arranged…” She scribbled something down, serious furrowed eyebrows contrasted against the ‘everything else’ about her. “We are short on rooms, but I believe there is a new vacancy above the gardens.”

“Those rooms barely have proper locks. I checked.”

“You mean, you broke in?”

He shrugged. “When we arrived. Is there anything with more security?”

The Ambassador looked at me and hummed. Varric hadn’t given her the specifics, or told her about our relation; just that there was Carta, and I needed safety. She probably assumed I was a whistleblower. I was okay to let her believe it.

“Mm, I’m afraid not. Unless––ah, no.”

“Unless…?” Varric gestured expectantly with his hands.

She lifted her head from her parchment and thinned her lips into a fierce line. “There is… a new vacancy. Although… some things shall have to be moved…”

“Spit it out, Ruffles.”

There was something suspiciously skittish about her face, and Varric saw it too. His frown was deep, and her eyes were avoiding his.

“ If you do not mind, the room across from yours…”

“What, Hawke’s––?”

His face fell and his shoulders dropped. He looked at the wall, jaw clenched, and then back up at the Ambassador again like nothing had changed.

Hawke? Was he here?

“Yeah, sure,” Varric rasped. “Good to keep her close, anyway.”

“Then I will make the arrangements.”

He nodded tersely and dismissed himself without another word. I watched him for a moment before figuring I should follow, but the Ambassador stopped me.

“Miss Isana, was it?” She smiled sweetly just as the door behind me clanked closed. I liked the way her accent pronounced my name. “The situation sounds precarious. Perhaps you would consider speaking to Sister Leliana?”

I cleared my throat. “A Chantry sister?”

“Ah, forgive me. Leliana is our spymaster.”

Oh. The Nightingale, she meant. “It’s a dwarven matter. And personal.”

“I quite understand. Regardless, I do hope you enjoy your stay in Skyhold.”

She smiled again then turned away, something I took as my signal to leave. Varric was leaning on the wall outside the door when I emerged, and looked up at me with eyes glinting in the torchlight in a way that reminded me of the lost children in Darktown. The illusion was swept away the moment he stood and, the mask falling over him again, he grinned.

“Good?”

“Considering the circumstances…”

“I know the feeling. Let’s go.”

Hawke’s old quarters were quiet in that unnerving, desolate way I’d come to know from abandoned estates. A cold sensation crept from all corners of the room, oppressive, suffocating, and smelling of wet mabari fur. A smashed mirror lay face-down on the wood. The shards cracked under Varric’s boots. He made a show of dusting off a set of drawers that didn’t need dusting.

The room couldn’t have been abandoned for long, and all of his belongings were still here. If he was coming back, why give the room to me?

“Sorry, kid, I know it’s not much.”

“It’s better than what I’m used to.” I hesitated, struggling to form the right words. “But I’m confused.”

“Yeah?” He’d turned away to rummage inside the drawer. His ponytail had come loose, nearly completely undone.

“Where is he?”

The sounds of rummaging stopped. Even with his back turned, I could still see how his chest heaved with heavy, unsteady breaths. It was a long breadth of silence broken only by the distant murmuring of conversation halfway down the hall outside. One of them said something funny. The other laughed. Varric was still silent.

Was it the wrong question?

“Will he be coming back for his things?” I tried.

He closed the drawer and gripped the edge with white-knuckled force.

“No.”

I’d done something wrong, and I didn't know what. The sensation wasn’t new to me, and yet, nausea settled in my gut. A spider’s web dangled above Varric’s head.

“Okay,” I said. He relaxed. When he faced me again, it was like nothing happened at all.

“Need help unpacking your shit?”

“Oh. Not really. Everything I own is in my pack.”

“Okay. Sure. Then I should,”––he swung his arms––“get back to what I was doing.”

“I was sorry to disturb you,” I said, meaning it this time. “And about the mug.”

“Nah. You’re good.” He smiled. “Harding’ll come check on you. If that’s––can I––should––” He flushed bright red. Stumbling over his words didn’t seem like a common occurrence for him. “Can I tell her?”

I gazed out the one window in the room. It overlooked the courtyard and the gate, where the group of refugees I rode in with were still sitting, an hour later.

“I couldn’t stop you.”

“That sounds like a no.”

I grimaced. “I’m sorry.”

“My lips are sealed, kid.”

“Thank you.”

After unpacking, I sat on my new bed. I’d a whole fortress to explore now, and yet, staring out the window, listening to the birds, the conversation, the wind; I felt trapped.

For now, this was my home. Why shouldn’t I look around? But my legs wouldn’t move. The cold dread of the room hadn’t left, and the little brown spider in its pale white web seemed to mock me. It must feel so tall, I thought. So big.

“Are you my roommate?” I asked it. It didn’t reply. I stood on a chair to look at it better, then fetched a broom to swipe it away, but stopped. “If I let you live, you catch flies for me. Yes?”

Instead I corralled the broken mirror shards into one large pile. The mirror was hefty, but I lifted it, realigned it, and stared into the shattered reflection.

Ancestors, but I was a mess. It was no wonder Harding took pity on me, the frightened little girl shivering out in the cold. She offered warmth and shelter, just like Hawke had done, and now I was in his room, with no sight of him. Had he and Varric fought?

I reclined into the bed with my sketchbook on a fresh page. I sketched a vague impression of Varric’s face, and then stopped, my charcoal hovering above the parchment. How did I normally draw him? Grinning, teeth bare, youthful and cocky.

That wasn’t who I saw today.

I chewed on my bottom lip. What did I see? An old man. A tired old man, freckled with rosacea, something that was left out of his official portraits. A scar across his nose, which was crooked, and watery, red-rimmed eyes that widened when he saw me.

Who did I see?

A tired old man who was very afraid and very alone.

Sighing, I put away my charcoal, wrapped myself up in my blanket, and slept until sundown.

[hopeless-ronantic]

i’ve recently come to the realization that i think my favorite fics to read are the ones where nancy and/or steve struggle to accept their bisexuality.

maybe nancy is like

“😡😡😡 robin is so annoying”

and then is like

“but maybe…?”

and then she finally can’t take it anymore & just has to be sure about what she’s feeling, so she kisses robin and everything makes sense finally

and of course the whole time robin can’t figure out what nancy’s problem is, and thinks that maybe she really is just a prissy know-it-all, but of course that doesn’t stop her from wanting to spend time around nancy any chance she gets

so when nancy finally kisses her, robin realizes nancy’s problem was never with robin, it was with her feelings for robin.

& maybe nancy realizes she had a crush on barb at some point or that maybe her love for blondie goes a little beyond just liking their music. but when she’s kissing robin, everything makes sense and everything just feels right

or maybe nancy and robin get along great (which is kinda weird for steve at first, but he’s got eddie & he and nancy are back on good terms now)

and robin has a crush on nancy but vows to never act on it or do anything to risk losing nancy’s friendship because that’s more important to her than some dumb unrequited crush

but secretly nancy is trying to pinpoint the exact feeling she gets around robin because she’s always so excited to hang out with her & she can’t tell why. because she’s never been that excited to hang out with any of her other friends before, so why does she get so giddy when it’s robin?

and one night, they decide to have a sleepover with makeovers & chinese takeout & maybe a couple wine coolers that nancy stole from karen (or maybe robin convinced steve to buy them some).

and nancy is so excited robin agreed to the makeovers part because it means that robin gets to play with her hair but again can’t tell why that excites her so much

(meanwhile robin is trying so hard to be as “normal” as she can while braiding nancy’s hair, because all she can think about through the light fog from the 2 wine coolers she’s had, is leaning down and placing light kisses on nancy’s exposed shoulders & she’s terrified that nancy might somehow read her mind or that she might not be able to stop herself & in turn ruin the only real friendship she’s had with a girl since barb)

and when they move on to makeup and nancy is applying lipgloss to robin, she is finally able to put a name to the feelings she’s been having: want, desire, longing. staring at robins freshly glossed lips, she realizes there’s nothing she wants more in the world than to know what they’d feel like on hers.

and because she’s nancy (and possibly slightly tipsy). she decides, screw it, and she just goes for it. and robin, surprised at first, quickly realizes she isn’t dreaming and kisses nancy back and it’s more magical than either girl could’ve ever imagined

i lose my fucking mind over that shit!!!

or like steve is confused because why does his heart beat like that when eddie is around? why does his stomach do little flips when eddie calls him pet names, those little flips like it used to when nancy would laugh at his jokes, or when she’d affectionately call him an idiot?

he can’t quite figure it out, because it can’t be that he likes eddie because he’s never felt this way about another man before, and he is certain he likes girls. and you can’t like both, right? right??

and he goes to robin in a panic because she’s really the most qualified to give advice in this situation (but also because there’s nobody he’s ever trusted to not judge him as much as her). and robin laughs and has to explain to steve that he can like both & that just because he hasn’t felt this way before doesn’t make it any less real or valid.

& maybe steve has to sit with that for a little bit, so he spends the weekend in his bed just staring at the ceiling, thinking. and eddie is convinced he pissed steve off because he won’t answer the phone, so he goes over sunday night to apologize for whatever he did because the thought of losing steve makes his heart ache

& when eddie knocks on steve’s open door and peeks his head in with an apologetic smile, steve looks into eddie’s big brown eyes, and everything clicks into place. all the thoughts and questions that were running through his head all weekend finally stop & all he can think is “kiss him” so he does & nothing has felt more right in his life

and eddie can’t believe this is really happening, because he thought one day the ache in his heart would kill him, the ache from knowing steve would never feel the same way eddie did. the ache that eddie would have to live the rest of his life as nothing more to steve harrington than a friend, and he’d have to be okay with that.

and i just really need more of these in my life, especially ronance because there just really isn’t enough content out there for them.. okay that’s all, thanks for listening to my ramblings.

[miamochi-writes]

Hi it's me! Absolutely love your Vash stories ^^!! if i may, I'd like to request a little fic sort of like sunshine! Vash x Grumpy! reader but in this case its vash getting them to laugh out loud for the first time hehe vv Maybe a little bit of angst but ultimately very sweet and funny <3

i love polar opposite dynamics and thats why i loved The Only Time I Feel Safe <3!! Thank you!! You're doing great!!

A/n: oh my gosh! I was kicking, screaming, and giggling at this idea! You have no idea how fast I started writing the minute you suggested this! 💖 Hope you like this @usuallynana !

The Way You Laugh

You had yet to learn why the universe works in mysterious ways. But it paired you with the most chaotic group of people you could imagine. It was another typical morning as you sat with Meryl and Wolfwood, where they were bickering about some minuscule topic. Roberto was finishing his breakfast with a sip from his flask. Meanwhile, you enjoyed the warm cup of coffee as much as possible and braced yourself for what today would throw at you. You traveled wherever the wind blew and wanted to see the world outside your hometown. You had seen too many things growing up and needed to escape the crime, abuse, and chaos the police inflicted on your small town. After a rough couple days of traveling under the hot sun through the desert, you tagged along with this group after they found you. Thankfully everyone was nice enough to let you travel and gave you much needed space.

"Morning! Y/n! Want to hear what the coffee said to the other coffee before their night out?" All but one person exactly.

"Morning Vash, and what did they say?" you asked.

"Let's stir up some trouble!" Vash answered as you heard a collective groan and some dry chuckles from the group. You stared at Vash with his goofy grin as you took a deep sip of your coffee.

"Interesting," you told him flatly as he chuckled at his joke. I mean someone had to.

For some reason, the universe decided to put Vash into your life. Since you offered to help buy supplies, cook meals, and fend off enemies for the group, the group enjoyed having you. That also meant Vash would stay by your side as he wanted to know more about you. He was such a ray of sunshine and practically made it his mission to spread that warmth and joy to others. Meanwhile, you were reserved, aloof, and put people at arm's length after growing up in such a harsh environment.

You had a heart, but with how rough No Man's Land was you had to be cautious. Yet, you managed to attract someone like Vash who always kept coming back to you no matter how much you pushed him away. In fact, despite how much you closed people off, you bonded with Vash one night after telling him about your troubling past. After the both of you shared some personal stories, you managed to crack a smile at him that he will never forget. If anything, he made it his personal mission to know you better and make you laugh after that night.

"Come on blondie, enough with the jokes. It's been a week already," Roberto begged.

"No can do! I'm just getting started!" Vash replied. Although Vash threw some of the corniest jokes you've heard, it didn't bother you. You wanted to see how far he would go to make you laugh. Plus, each joke he told after the 3rd day was getting better.

After breakfast, your group traveled through the desert to the next city. You sat in the middle of Vash and Wolfwood while Meryl drove with Roberto in the passenger seat. It was going to be another long drive of watching endless sand and dunes.

"Hey Y/n, want to hear a desert joke?" Vash asked you as you looked at him.

"Vash no!" Roberto begged, but you gestured at Vash to continue.

"Nah, you're right. It's too dry," he replied as you rolled your eyes at the joke. Another collective groan was let out while Meryl laughed.

"Okay, I got a better one!" Vash chimed in. This time you turned around to face Vash with an amused smirk. Meanwhile, Wolfwood turned to look out the window.

"What did one sand dune say to the other sand dune?" he asked. You pondered the question as you tried to figure out what kind of pun this would be.

"I will never desert you," he replied. Okay that one wasn't too bad compared to the other one. Even Wolfwood didn't groan this time as he raised an eyebrow.

"Not bad," you told Vash. You could see in his blue eyes that he was determined to find a joke that would get you to laugh. Meanwhile, Roberto threatened to stop the van if Vash continued.

Once you entered the city, you all agreed to split up. Roberto and Wolfwood would rest at the bar, Meryl would look into places to stay, while you and Vash would look around to gather supplies. Thankfully the city didn't have too many people or police wandering around.

As you were walking, one paper caught your eye. It was a wanted poster but it looked cartoonish. You couldn’t make out the name as it was torn from the top, but it looked silly. Nonetheless, you had to show this to Vash.

"Hey Vash, take a look at this!" The blonde perked up at his name and walked towards you. Once he saw the poster, he cringed.

"Are they seriously still using this picture of me?!" he asked as you stared back at the picture.

"Wait, you mean to tell me this is you? This looks nothing like you," you pointed at the poster.

"Funny story about that," he began, but before he could explain, he stopped midway. It looked like he hatched an idea as his glasses glinted at the sun's rays.

"Hey Y/n, you want to know how Meryl, Roberto, and I met?" he asked. You had no idea where this was going but you nodded your head. He then grabbed your hand and flashed you a smirk.

"Follow me," he replied a smirk.

~*~

Vash dragged you to the bar and told you to wait outside. Half of you was curious about what Vash was scheming, while the other half was afraid to find out. Eventually, Meryl came out from the bar and looked at you.

"I can't believe I'm doing this," she muttered, motioning you to follow her. She took you to a place near the outskirts of the city. What you saw next gave you a mini heart attack. You saw some makeshift metal heap where Roberto seemed to be tying up Vash upside down.

“What the heck is going on?!” You asked, bewildered at the sight before you.

“He’s the one that asked for it. I’m just following his weird orders. Besides, you wanted to know how we met him. Well, there you have it,” Roberto explained as he finished securing the rope and left. You were beyond confused at what was happening. How could Vash let Roberto do that to him? Was this some kind of sick joke? Why wasn't anyone helping him down?

Next thing you knew, Vash let out the most absurd evil laugh you've ever heard. The way his glasses glinted to where you couldn't see his eyes made him look cartoonishly mischievous. The way he slowly turned as he laughed added another layer to this odd side of your companion. Then it hit you, all this was because you mentioned that poster. You held the ripped paper up and compared it to Vash once more. He practically matched the cartoonish picture on the poster. From the "comically evil" looking face, glasses, and hair, he nailed the look perfectly. The more you looked at him, the more you snickered.

Pffft!

You were trying to stifle your laugh with your hand, but every time you looked at Vash the harder it was to control it. Finally, you burst into fits of laughter as you held your sides. How Vash looked and laughed was the funniest thing you've seen in a long time. You knew Vash was silly, but this was another level of him being over the top. Every time you snuck a glance at him, you couldn't help but laugh once more.

AHAHAHAHA!

Vash immediately stopped laughing as he heard the sound of laughter fill his ears. Did his ears deceive him? He looked at Meryl who was just as shocked at what she was witnessing. Vash begged her to turn him around so he could see what was happening. He needed to know if what he was hearing was true. Once she did, his eyes started to gleam once his eyes landed at the figure before him. The breath he was holding in was finally let go as Vash stared in awe at you. His blue eyes widened and his eyebrows were raised at you laughing your guts out. Slowly but surely, a huge smile crept on his face as he felt a huge sense of accomplishment. Maybe it was the blood rushing to his head, but Vash was giddy with joy. Finally, all that hard work of throwing jokes at you paid off.

"You're laughing," Vash stated instead of asked. He wanted to see if you would deny this, but you happily nodded at him.

"Of course I am! The way you look, and your laugh, it's hilarious! I can't believe this is how you met Meryl and Roberto," you tried to answer mid-laugh. Vash couldn't help but chuckle at your answer as he understood what finally got you to laugh. Meryl on the other hand was just confused at what she witnessed.

"Both of you are such weirdos. I'm outta here," Meryl commented as she took her leave.

"Wait! Don't leave me hanging here again friend!" Vash begged. You then laughed even harder at his comment. The desperation and hysteria in his voice made you laugh harder. On top of it all, his facial expression was priceless. If he kept it up, your face was going to hurt from laughing this hard.

"Need a hand space cowboy?" you asked as you managed to calm your hearty laugh into small giggles.

“Pretty please?” He replied. You simply grinned as his eyes widened at what you asked him.

“Wait...did you? You cracked a joke!” He pointed out as you freed him from being tied up.

"Yeah, you're not the only one who can crack jokes too you know?" you smirked after helping Vash stand up. After making sure Vash could walk and stand on his own, you took a step back and kept smirking at him as Vash had multiple questions for you.

"So, you think my jokes are funny?" he asked with a curious smile. The way his blue eyes sparkled with admiration like a puppy was priceless.

"Of course, doesn't matter how cheesy they are," you answered. Then Vash furrowed his eyebrows.

"So why didn't you laugh at them?" he questioned further.

"I did, you just weren't listening hard enough," you replied. You then demonstrated with your silent but quick exhale. Vash looked at you dumbfounded and then pouted.

"That's not a laugh Y/N!" he argued with a comical face, as you chuckled. Then he did the unthinkable, he tickled your sides and you roared with laughter

"Stop! My face and sides already hurt from earlier. I promise I'll laugh to where you can hear me next time," you begged mid-laugh.

"Okay, I'll hold you to it," Vash grinned as he stopped tickling you. You managed to breathe again and regain your compsosure.

"I guess you can say I take your breath away," Vash added as you snorted this time.

"Sure Vash, now come one let's get back to the group," you offered just smiling at his antics. The universe worked in mysterious ways and put random people into your life. But after today, you didn't mind having Vash in your life. In fact, he was starting to grow on you a little. But that's for another day for him to hear at the campfire. For now, you appreciated how much he was willing to make you smile and laugh. In fact, he gave you hope in humanity every time he was with you and that was something you learned to appreciate.

[talesfrommedinastation]

My redneck neighbor Doug on 'Tribe'

When not turning his home into a giant light hazard for Jesus's Birthday or getting into yelling fights in the alley with Bobby Lee (another redneck neighbor who is a DIE HARD 'Bama fan) about SEC football, Doug's been randomly texting me things about the Jedi.

I'll update y'all on that soon enough. (Plo Koon = Sexy Shrimp Daddy?!)

Meanwhile, here is his review of his favorite episode of Season 2 of The Bad Batch...TRIBE, or as Doug calls it 'Chewbacca Junior and the Weed Business'.

Yes, a random fetch quest one in which Clone Force 99 helps out a random Wookiee kid. His favorite. Don't ask.

Need a Doug refresher? Check it out under Doug Talks Star Wars here.

TW: Doug Doug's as is his Doug-like wont. Hold onto your butts. A little calmer since Daddy Warcrimes is MIA in this one.

-----------------------------------------------------------

So we got Daddy Rambo and the gang making counterfeit licenses for underage drinkers or whatever. You gotta do what you gotta do, I guess, and Daddy Rambo will do a lot of things, but obtaining gainful employment ain’t one of them. 

Ryan-from-Accounting is smug as hell about his counterfeiting operation. You’re so smart, Ryan-from-Accounting, why don’t you go to law school and start practicing corporate licensing? At least you can get equity there, ya dingaling.

And Little Orphan Blondie runs away because she’s embarrassed to be seen around them. I get it, kid.

Woah, it’s Chewbacca Junior! Are the lizard and robot people trying to sell him to the circus or something? Oh, he’s a Jedi?! When did this happen, this is awesome! I loved Chewbacca! I love Wookiees! AWESOME!!!

And Little Orphan Blondie is protecting him, go Little Orphan Blondie, go! 

I hope they adopt Chewbacca Junior and get him a collar and a nice bed on the floor of the HMS Search Warrant. They need a pet. Little Orphan Blondie can brush him and put bows in his hair! Do you think he uses a litter box?

They’re taking him home, and look! Little Orphan Blondie is giving him her Lunchables. I’m proud of the Dad Batch, they’re teaching Little Orphan Blondie good morals. Oh, poor wee Chewbacca Junior, he has no family and when he talks it sounds like Jimmers when he’s treed a squirrel*.

But Ryan-from-Accounting can understand him! Ya know, I wonder if his helmet can translate Bitch and that’s how Ryan-from-Accounting talks to his Bitch Wife Laura. 

It would be awesome if they adopt Chewbacca Junior and he attacks people with his lightsaber. He’s like a pet version of an MR-15! Imagine the DAMAGE his furry ass would do on the battlefield! 

Ooh, they made it to Wookieeland! Ya know, it always reminded me of where Jenny and I used to camp in northern California. I wonder if there’s a brewery nearby? I bet Toaster Strudel needs to throw back, that man needs a beer and a restraining order from Daddy Rambo. 

Oh SHIT, looks like the bugs from Klendathu made their way down to Wookieeland. Somebody call the Starship Troopers! Oh, wait, they can talk to those things like Dougie Houser did? Woah. Neat. 

Looks like the Empire found the Wookiee weed farm and torched it. Poor Wookiees, they’re just trying to make an honest living growing herb. Leave ‘em alone!

Which planet makes meth, my money’s on Tatooine, it looks like New Mexico and that place is meth Disneyland, there was a whole TV show about it. 

(Above is...Tatooine?! - Dr Meat Muffin)

Oh man it’s Houma-BBQ-Bitch’s shitty brothers and they’re burning the whole weed operation to the ground. Guess they work for the DEA.

Kick their asses, Wookiees! Now they want Chewbacca Junior, but the Dad Batch is saying FUCK YOU! 

Go Dad Batch go! Fire ‘em up! Destroy the tanks! GO JULIO GO! It’s like Apocalypse Now with Bigfoot!

More Wookiees! And they’re riding giant monkey-cats! AWESOME. Man, I feel stoned just watching this episode. Why can't I stop giggling.

Granny Wookiee says come on in and have some weed! Oh, shit, are they doing ayahuasca? Toaster Strudel ain’t having it, but Julio’s down. Julio’s down for anything, he’s probably gonna stick around, use his pipe laying skills, and get some free ganga out of the deal. Man, we all need a Julio in our life. Love him. 

Oh, poor Chewbacca Junior can’t find a home. Come on, Granny Wookiee, just let him crash with you guys! He can clip weed on the side, he’s got that lightsaber, let ��em have it. But first, let’s talk to the trees! Did they take mushrooms before this scene, Jesus Christ this really does take place in Humboldt County, doesn’t it.

Ah, nevermind, the gators that run the DEA are here. With Stormtroopers. Oh shit, are the gators wearing Wookiee pelts while fighting Wookiees? That’s some Silence of the Lambs shit right there.

Welp, time for fire fights, Smokey the Bear does not approve of this episode, especially as one of the lizard men chases Chewbacca Junior and Little Orphan Blondie into the woods with a flamethrower. 

Oh shit, there are the bugs! Shit, am I actually cheering on the bugs from Starship Troopers? What is going on here, I’m so confused. Whelp, they’re eating Houma-BBQ-Bitch’s brother, good for them.

Back to Granny Wookiee’s Pot Palace, where Toaster Strudel and Julio throw back her questionable moonshine and smile at each other. If they end up with Wookiee girlfriends, it will be weird, but I will be happy for them. 

And Little Orphan Blondie and Chewbacca Junior are talking to the trees, again. Just watching this episode makes me wanna go back to Electric Forest. Except I don’t think Oceana County has wookiees, but it does have crazy people in the woods I guess. 

*=Jimmers is Doug’s extremely handsome poodle mix dog. His full name is Jimmers Jimothy Jimerson III and they found him as a stray when he was eating trash behind a bowling alley in Nacogdoches. 

Where my Doug fans at? @amalthiaph @eyecandyeoz @merkitty49 @sued134 are the biggest, but let me know if ya wanna be tagged in the next installment!

[onlyyours2love]

How “A Tale of Two Sisters” (Tangled the Series) and “Promise” (She-Ra) are literally the same episode

¡¡¡SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

I literally made this post on Twitter but it got no traction and I was looking to get a discussion going but I will just repeat what I said there and paste it here because I can’t get over this

Angry Lesbians = Cassandra & Catra

Team Blondie = Adora & Rapunzel

Parallel #1: Close Proximity

It’s funny how the premise of both episodes is that the sworn rivals (lovers) are put in a position in which they are stuck and cannot find an exit. In TTS, Cassunzel is stuck in a cave with poisonous gas and Catradora is trapped in that weird chamber thingy with the First Ones tech.

Parallel #2: Dangerous Setting

Additionally not only are they trapped together, but they are trapped specifically in a dangerous environment that is hostile impartially to both parties which leads onto my next point...

Parallel #3: Enemy x Enemy Teamwork

Literally the designated Angry Lesbians (Catra & Cass) hate their counterparts' guts. They literally wanna kill them,

In fact, the reason why in both of these cases they ended up in that very same dangerous setting was because the designated angry lesbians decided to attack Team Blondie (Adora & Rapunzel) and got them stuck there IN THE FIRST PLACE !!!! ARGGHH !!

And now since they're stuck in a hostile environment that is way too distracting to kill Team Blondie -& that also threatens their lives as well- they're forced to put a pin on that whole "i need to kill my wife" plan so that they themselves don't die, which forces them to ✨work together✨

Parallel #4: Facing the Past Pt. 1

This teamwork leads both parties to reminisce about their ex friendship. It’s actually funny to notice that these two share the same trope (aka friends to enemies to lovers [ok I know Cassunzel isn’t canon but the lesbians ship them idc]) AND since these two both have a past of being friends earlier in life they both get back into that groove that they easily slip back into while they’re trying to survive.

ie. Rapunzel and Cass reminiscing the memories they made during the trip to the dark kingdom & Catra and Adora just goofing around during that chamber after a while

Parallel #5 villain/hero enemies to lovers dynamic

This kinda goes hand in hand with Parallel #4

The designated Angry Lesbians (who are also the show’s labeled villains) are in constant turmoil about the way they feel about Team Blondie and its fucking hilarious because they’re so down bad for Team Blondie & you get these moments where they’re softening slowly throughout the episode // meanwhile Team Blondie (the show’s designated heroes) are just trying the whole time to get through their girlfriends and realize that they’re on the wrong side

AND THIS RESULTS IN A LOT OF GAY RIVAL TENSION MOMENTS !!!!

Parallel #6: Facing the past Pt. 2 + Resentment

This one is super important because it really brings perspective to the rivalry and the motives behind why Cassandra and Catra are doing what they are doing and brings a depth and complexity to both Cassunzel and Catradora.

Facing the past also includes looking back into childhood memories and learning about a specific mother figure and the way this mother figure shaped the entire view in which they see themselves- whether it’s conscious or unconscious.

For Catra and Adora, it meant exploring Catra’s relationship with Shadow Weaver and how that influenced her own self worth during childhood and how she was always outshined by Adora, who was able to gain Shadow Weaver’s affections with ease thanks to her specialness as she’s a First One’s decendant.

For Cassandra and Rapunzel, it meant realizing that Gothel was a selfish person who never really loved either of them, and that Gothel only chose Rapunzel (and consequently, abandon Cassandra) for her magic hair. That is until Cassandra finds the broken mirror that shows Gothels apparent “love” for Cass.

Parallel #7: the mother figures that traumatized our angry lesbians

This also kinda goes hand in hand with parallel #5 because these two women are the very root of why our angry lesbians are traumatized and on the ‘evil side’ of the story.

These women created all the insecurities that our angry lesbians cling onto & project onto Team Blondie by making them feel as if they were not enough or loved & made them feel inferior to their counterparts

In Catra’s case, it was shadow weaver

For Cassandra, it was Gothel

It was both of these women who actively made the decision to choose Adora/Rapunzel due to being “special” & treated Cass/Catra like shit

Parallel #8: The end + presumed death

this one makes me SCREAM

At the end of both episodes SOMETHING -and by something I mean a childhood memory is triggered- that makes the angry lesbians lash out and any hope that they return to the good side just vanishes.

Also they both leave Team Blondie out to die and walk away thinking they killed them.

But ofc team blondie never dies.

I kept obsessing over this and thank god for tumblr for having unlimited character count because I could’ve not made my point thoroughly on twitter

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk

[scattered-dreamers]

Oh…. Okay… Right. I just got through Mag 104 - Sneak Preview.

Tim’s interaction with Elias, Tim’s reasoning for being at the Institute—finding his brother.

There’s no way he isn’t going to be Desolation touched in my fix-it fanfic.

There are certain parallels between Tim and Michael that I am most now seeing.

Tim is what Michael might have been like if he had the knowledge of the Fears and other goings-on, if Gertrude had been up front with him about everything.

Instead we have a trusting golden Labrador who has walked, unknowingly, into danger. Now he’s twisted in a Spiral and is an angry boy.

So in the fix-it fic, he will survive the Distortion leaving him, but Oh Boy will there be changes—He’s feisty, bright colors and loud patterns physically hurt him now, he changes his clothing style, he’s angry to the point he wants to cause mayhem and destruction just to see the pain that inflicted on him cause others pain as well.

He doesn’t want the Unknowing to win but he doesn’t want the Archives to win either. Michael turns into a jaded bastard but he’s not entirely heartless.* He doesn’t want to be like Gertrude.

Tim goes in to destroy the Unknowing and comes out Desolation touched, but a Stranger Avatar. He makes it back to the Archives at some point way later—months after Jon is out of his coma—but he doesn’t know how he survived. [Jon doesn’t have the heart to tell him, not yet.]

Sasha ends up back at the Archives too and it takes Melanie seeing her again and confirming that it’s actually Sasha for Jon and Martin to trust her. [She doesn’t remember how she made it back to the archives. Last she fully remembers is being in the Artefact Storage Room. But she always vaguely remembers the wax museum and lots of blonde hair.*]

Meanwhile, at this point, they still think Tim is dead because he hasn’t returned yet. But he returns months*, no memory of what happened or where he was—aside from avoiding the Institute because he didn’t want to go back right away.

He’s cold now though, always cold to the touch. So is Sasha. Neither of them understand why. They don’t even understand how they’re back, but they are. They didn’t die—or maybe the way did, but they’re here now.

Tim doesn’t trust Sasha. They’re further apart than they ever were now. Melanie tries to reason with him, but he doesn’t trust her. He doesn’t even trust himself.

He doesn’t need food now. Neither does she. She eats. He finds he physically can’t and that fact makes his stomach churn.

They’re back all right, but they’re wrong. They’re different. Are they even still human? Sasha thinks Tim is overreacting, but he knows the last place he was. He remembers the circus, he remembers the Stranger. He stopped the Unknowing but it was always meant to be like this. He was always touched—in the Stranger’s sight since he went to save his brother.

*Michael’s jaded, but he’s not heartless. He finds Sasha and he finds Tim and he does his best to help them. He quietly helps them get back to the Institute.

But then there’s the fact that Michael doesn’t have a home anymore and he’s living on the streets, as opposed to going back to the Institute—He’d rather burn it to the ground.

So he goes and plops at a cafe where he meets Mike Crew—Mike recognizes him, calls him Blondie Locks. Mike recognizes him, knows who he is. He invites Michael to stay with him and gets him a job at the cafe.

[pamsimmerstories]

lou is just a good soul ♥

transcription

[meanwhile in moonwood mill…] [she fell on the ground when she felt a presence behind her] lou: you’re a vampire! what are you doing here? [daisy]: are you a werewolf? i… please, kill me? lou: kill you? that’s new offers hand [daisy]: i don’t wanna be a vampire… werewolves kill vampires, right? lou: that depends. you seem harmless, though. [daisy]: i’m not. i’m a newborn… that’s what she says… i have no self control lou: and who’s she? [daisy]: i think her name is victoria… she has a beautiful black hair, she’s hipnotizingly gorgeous… lou: chuckles man, are you in love with her or what? [daisy]: of course not! i hate her! maybe i just… she was the one who made me. it’s hard to not be compelled by her [daisy]: she’s turning people against their will… she said she would train me, but i prefer death other than live like this lou: and where’s she? [daisy]: why do you wanna know? lou: hey, look at me. i just wanna know [daisy]: are you doing after her? [daisy]: it’s dangerous… that town… is full of them… of… us lou: i know, blondie. don’t worry about me. i’m stronger than i look. [daisy]: why are you doing this for me? lou: i’m not doing this for you. i’m a werewolf and i hate your kind. and if there’s is someone making a lot of them… i need to do something, don’t you think? [daisy]: hugs him thank you. lou: uncomfortable uh… you know… there’s a cure for vampires and werewolves… if you look into it, you might have your life back. [daisy]: are you sure? lou: yes. just go home and maybe start figure out about glimmerbrook. i bet the witches know more about this. [daisy]: thank you…

[lou]: lou [daisy]: thank you, lou. lou: anytime, blondie.

[iamafanofcartoons]

Weiss:…Really, Yang? Really? Ruby: Sis, this is not the time or place! Blake: Just because you can, does not mean you should! Yang: Hey, if it works! Right guys? (Waves at the villains they’re supposed to be fighting). Hazel: I’m asexual, the only thing I’m passionate about is vengeance against OZZZZPINNNN! (Everyone jumps back) Hazel: But he’s not here right now. Tyrian:  My only interest is defending the beauty of our Goddess! Watts: I’m Sapiosexual. Mercury: Meaning? Emerald: Oh I know this one! It means he’s only sexually attracted to people based on intelligence. Tyrian: So her majesty then. Watts: Wait what? Tyrian: Are you saying that our Queen is not a glorious and brilliant ruler?! Watts: No wait, she certainly is, I would never acknowledge Her Grace as anything less! Tyrian: So you do have an attraction to her Majesty! Watts: So do you! Tyrian:  At least I’m not hiding it. Emerald:  Can we focus? Watts: Yes, Cinder fan-girl, do stop. Emerald: Wait, what are you saying? Mercury: He’s saying you’re into Cinder the same way Stabby Tail is into Cinder’s boss. Emerald: You wanna go, Dildo-legs? Hazel: ENOUGH! (Quirky Mini-Boss squad stops comedic bickering to listen to the serious guy) Hazel: In case you forgot, our targets are…wait, where they’d go? BEEP (X5) Watts: Oh Dear. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

_____________________________________________________________________________________ Salem (Does the Gendo Ikari Hand Gesture): You knew their fighting abilities, you had fought with them before, you had them outnumbered, you even knew the environment… (Competent and semi-competent minions remain silent, Tyrian crying at disappointing Mommy Salami) Mercury raises his hand Salem:  I’m.Not.Done.Boi. Mercury lowers his hand. Salem: Now I’d like to know just how it was possible for all of you to fail like this? Not even Haven was like this. Hazel takes a breath. Salem:  Hazel Rainart, I hope for your sake you do not plan to do another “Take one for the team” attempt that tries to cover up for what the team did. Or do you enjoy being bound up by my tentacles? Hazel, stops, considers…Then takes an even deeper breath. Mercury: It was Boobs. (Ackward silence.) Salem: Excuse me? Mercury: You know how Team RWBY gained that transforming ability? Salem: That leaves them wide open for you to kick-shoot them up in the face? Mercury: Blondie’s shout-phrase was “Big titties” Salem: And? Mercury: That started a conversation that- (Crippled Psychopathic Assassin shut up by fancy pistol from Jock-Nerd and Mecha-Tail from Psycho Fan-Boi covering his mouth) Tyrian: Let’s not sweat the small stuff. Watts: Basically we were distracted. Salem: By boobs? Seriously?  My greatest operatives….distracted by a woman’s chest? And what happened next may I ask? Hazel:  They took advantage of our distraction to throw explosives and explosive dust rounds around, and brought the warehouse down on us. Angry Boss “Lady?”:….. Evil minions who need focus on hormones 2nd, mission priorities first:…. Salem waves her hand and the door opens… Multiple tentacled grimm appear. Salem: Now I am not a therapist or a counselor, but we have got to work on your hormones before I send you any missions….this will be your price for failure. (The following content is flagged NC-17 for tentacles, and too many other tags to count...let's use our imagination) Meanwhile, elsewhere… Cinder receives shivers down her spine, nearly lighting herself on fire to get rid of the chills. Evil Mute Cutie hides a smile looking at evil Ms. Eyepatch on High-Heels getting Random Spooks.

Artist is DebzTheNaught

https://twitter.com/DebzTheNaught/status/1290307790183870475

[parti-poppers]

what are your fav fukalen headcannons that you have?

Oh lord you don’t even know

I have far too many and I physically can’t pick favorites, so I present you; Pop’s Fukalen Headcanon Masterlist (that hasn’t been updated in a good while)

-They get into dumb stupid trouble a lot, Len cuz he’s overly confident, stubborn and stupid, and Fukase because he’s an agent of chaos

-They casually bully (not really, just tease) each other a lot

-They don’t really need to communicate to cause havoc, they just sorta catch each others dumbass brain waves

-Though Luka is the main English tutor for the Kagamines, Fukase also helps Len with his English a lot

-After Fukase has helped Len with English so much, it became a habit for Fukase to speak English to Len so that he could hear it more and learn, so though it’s not actually necessary it has become natural for them to have conversations where Len speaks Japanese and Fukase speaks English

-Fukase’s kinda jealous of Len’s dance skills but refuses to admit it, instead just saying Len’s a show off (he’s not wrong)

-They’re both gamers and play together a lot, though Fukase leans more towards shooters and Len’s a bit of a rhythm game fanatic

-They played Portal 2 together which consisted of Fukase carrying and Len fucking around bc he wasn’t built for puzzle games

-Fukase says project diva is dumb and not even a good game because he generally doesn’t like rhythm games as he tends to suck at them, but he’s secretly a hardcore project diva fan and plays it a lot

-Similarly, he complains about Sekai being cashgrab trash and just another shitty gacha game but he’s mildly addicted

-Oh and his fave module is Len’s Trickster one because then they have a matching cane and hat vibe goin’ on

-Sometimes when they’re in group chat with friends Fukase and Len will argue, and Fukase will say something like “shut up bb”, earning something like a “lmao you calling him baby that’s kinda gay” from the others, and the response is usually something along the lines of “YOU ALL KNOW ITS SHORT FOR BANANA BOY SHUT THE HELL UP”

-Len makes fun of Fukase’s overly complicated design a lot but had an edgy phase where he thought it was the peek of fashion and secretly wanted to look like him

-Len really likes Fukase’s lower range (especially when paired with his softer voice), but keeps that secret locked up and kept away from everyone and anyone

-Len assumed for ages that Fukase wore eyeliner until he did his makeup once and told him to take it off and Fukase was like “what eyeliner” and Len was like “you’re not wearing eyeliner???”

-Fukase gets super easily cold which is why he wears so many layers, meanwhile Len is that kid that walks around in a t-shirt and shorts all year around, a bit of a living heater if you will. It can either be optimal for cuddling or make it impossible, depends

-They use a lot of different nicknames for each other depending on context- usually Fukase might call Len “Banana Boy”, “Blondie”, “Twink” or “Dumbass” and Len might call Fukase “Clown” “Fuckass” “Fuka” or “Kase”. You’ll probably never catch Fukase saying “Babe” (Banana Boy > BB > Baby/Babe)or Len saying “Fukafuka” (fluffy/soft) out in the open tho

-Fukase and Flower are best friends, and Flower has a habit of giving people nicknames based on flowers. Fukase sorta picked up on this, occasionally calling Len “Buttercup”

-Every time someone asks Fukase how his face got scarred he comes up with the most wild and shocking story he can think of on the spot to get a reaction out of whoever is asking, but none of these manage to shock Len anymore because he’s heard every single one Fukase has managed to conjure up

-Fukase has multiple sorted reference, meme, quote, and random picture folders so he can send whatever he deems perfect in any given situation at any given time. Depending on context Len will more often than not know “oh this person said this, so Fuka is gonna send/show this specific thing in three, two, one- there it is”

-Whenever Len comes over to Fukase he will prioritize saying hi to Point before Fukase. Fukase‘s kinda accepted that Len likes Point more than him

-The way Len treats Point compared to the way Fukase does is night and day- Len holds it like a newborn child talking to the it like it’s a puppy, while Fuka be out here dragging it by a limb sayin “ya stinky”

-Point is their unofficial child probably

-Len likes a lot of Fukase’s original English songs, but knows his own English isn’t the best, at least not compared to Fukase’s, so he only ever jams to them and sings along in private

-Though he makes fun of it a lot, Fukase thinks Len’s English is kinda endearing, but he keeps that to himself

-Fukase has the weird ability to making insults sound like compliments, and compliments sound like insults, and Len is sick of it cuz it makes him very confused and annoyed

-Fukase speaks fluent sarcasm, meanwhile Len’s brain sometimes just short circuits and he can’t pick up on sarcasm whatsoever

-Fukase is a smartass with dumbass energy and Len is a dumbass who tries to have smartass energy (in contrast to Rin, who fully embraces her dumbassness and dumbass energy and thinks Len should too. He insists he isn’t as dumb as her and she’s like “bro you’re literally my reflection”)

-Len legit has a big ego (some describe him as mildly narcissistic) while, Fukase is just great at faking confidence and actually doesn’t think very highly of himself, though Len insists he absolutely should

-Fukase likes cracking self deprecating jokes. He does that more than your average person due to his secretly low confidence

-Len, due to his higher than average confidence, usually doesn’t find self deprecating jokes funny cuz he doesn’t relate to them, and it often takes him a second to get them. Sometimes, if he notices his friends making a lot of them, he’ll get kinda worried and be like “damn you need therapy or smthn?”

-Len sometimes aggressively delivers compliments to Fukase, or whoever he thinks needs them

-Fukase’s terrible at accepting compliments

-Len straight up started giving Fukase self love classes to teach him real confidence

-He also gives Fukase dance lessons, but Fukase usually doesn’t learn much because Len’s too busy showing off. They have fun tho

-Fukase really like when Len has his hair down

-Len’s kind of a mess in the kitchen, so when they have to prepare something themselves Fukase usually does it for the both of them

-When they’re out together they like to get milkshakes/smoothies. If both are almost broke and they gotta share, they compromise and get the banana and strawberry drink. While their fave flavors in general are banana for Len and strawberry for Fukase, they both have come to enjoy the banana and strawberry combo. Sometimes they lie to each other abt being broke just to order it and share

-Len says Wi-Fi Imagination Wild Boy is “their song” but Fukase likes to pretend it doesn’t exist and never happened out of embarrassment

-Len likes having one hand on each side of Fukase’s face because the difference in skin texture on each side feels funny. Fukase says it’s weird that he likes doing that, but doesn’t stop him from squishing his face

-Fukase always ponders how the Cryptons have perfect skin, or well, at least he knows Len does- perfect nails too, great for head scratches

-While Fuka is normally not the biggest fan of surprise physical contact, it’s kinda become a habit of Len to just randomly scratch his head or run his hand through his hair. This is an exception. If you comment on it tho, Fukase will suddenly start acting annoyed by it and smack Len’s hand away. Len teases him a bit for liking it

-Len absolutely adores how fluffy and messy Fukase’s hair is

-Fukase has his reasons for keeping his arm bandages, maybe health, convenience, not wanting to freak people out- but one is because he has a habit of picking at the skin there, which Len is trying to get him to stop doing

-Fukase’s arm picking worries Len, so sometimes he changes Fukase’s bandages for him just to make sure he won’t do it

-Len’s a trans guy and Fukase is one of the few people Len’s comfortable not binding his chest in front of, other than the other Cryptons and Piko (bc Piko’s his best friend)

-Fuka barely needs any sleep getting like 4 hours on average, while is a professional honk mimimier who likes getting his 8 hours of beauty sleep

-Because of Len’s habit of sleeping like a baby and the fact that he’s usually busy as fuck, Fukase always lets him sleep in when they have sleepovers at his place, not having the heart to wake him up

-When they have sleepovers they always end up having an argument a little while after Len starts showing signs of being tired. These basically consist of Len saying “if I go to bed now I know you’re just gonna stay up all night, get your ass to bed now or I’m staying up and annoying you while sleep deprived” and Fukase saying “you look like you’re gonna pass out and you know damn well I won’t be able to sleep for a while, go to bed or I’m carrying your sleepy ass over there“. Which of them wins varies

-Though they both frequently tease each other and are okay with teasing/being teased about pretty much anything, they also know exactly when they’re crossing a line or pushing certain buttons. Sometimes they’ll push the others buttons just a little or see how far they can go, but they always know when to stop and when the other isn’t cool with it anymore

-Fukase adores the horror genre as a whole, while Len’s more easily freaked out but pretends like he has no fear- so, when they’re for example picking out a movie to watch, Fukase might wanna watch a horror movie and Len will be like “Pft of course no problem I’m not a wimp” but then later in the middle of the movie they’ll have to pause and chill together for a bit because Fukase’s like “dude you look like you’re gonna cry maybe let’s not, want some hot coco?”

-Fukase and Len once started talking about some English tv show and after it came up in conversation Len confessed that he had a hard time following without Japanese subtitles, especially when he wants to sing along to the songs. This lead Fuka to say he could help him if there was anything he needed clarified when watching it, which lead to them watching the show together. Now they’ve developed a habit of watching stuff together so Fukase can help translate and clarify, even though Len doesn’t need it much anymore

-While Len loves doing concerts and performances, he gets very homesick and missed his friends since he’s so social. He’ll text people non stop, though he’s sometimes worried that it gets a little annoying- but Fukase doesn’t mind at all. Len always somehow gives him the ability to watch them live from his home and tells him about how it is and that he misses him, and since Fukase doesn’t have a sleep schedule it usually works wherever Len is. Len also hooked him up with some real nice glowsticks that he furiously waved around when watching

-Since Fukase and especially Len are both pretty dang successful and feel like can’t really comfortably talk about their insecurities or negative feelings regarding their loid status in front of less successful loids, like Piko or Lui, they kinda just talk about it to each other. They bond over it- knowing Piko has it worse, Fuka isn’t as bothered much by his licensing, but is ashamed that his VP doesn’t care for him. And Len, tho almost always feeling like he’s the best he could be, sometimes feels inferior to Rin when remembering that he’s just kind of an add on to her

-Len has little to no insecurities regarding his looks, though he spent like his eye color very much, partially bc he’s often made to wear brighter green or blue contacts for promo stuff. Fukase thinks this is bullshit and Len’s eyes are pretty as hell

-Fukase is disabled, hence the cane, and doesn’t typically mind it too much because it lets him skip out on a lot of stuff in PE and other such things. His one complaint is that he can’t really carry Len bc of his balance, but Len insists it’s ok

-While being a bit of a twig and not a fan of exercise, but he does have a bit of upper body mass because he plays drums and has used crutches/wheelchairs at several points in life. Len’s the more athletic of the two tho and likes to brag about

-Len has dog energy and Fukase has cat energy

-Len bought Fukase a pair of those headphones with cat ears on them. Fukase said it was stupid, asked why he spent money on them and claimed he’d never wear them, but he often uses them at home

-They’ve faked a proposal for free food

-Len kinda doesn’t really know what exactly Fukase is or how he works but also doesn’t really care

-Fukase loves showing Len games that are actually horror games but don’t seem like it at first. Len always gets suspicion and Fukase always goes “nonono this ones’s fine it’s not scary at all I promise” and Len always falls for it

-After Len complained about it enough he finally manages to get Fukase to eat three meals a day (or at least try to). Fukase forgets to every now and again but Len’s usually there to remind him

-Despite the fact that nothing seems to make Len insecure ever, there was one time his perfect skin had a pimple and he refused to come out of his room for almost anything. Fukase had to sit outside his room and convince him it really wasn’t that bad on three separate occasions

-One time when Len and Rin were hanging out with Miku and some popular friends after a concert Fukase borrowed Flower’s motorbike to pick Len up so he’d seem cool. Was very effective on Len but the others were like “lmao you two are dorks” and “Wait is Fukase even allowed to drive that”

-Their friends were genuinely very surprised to find out that they liked each other because they both had this very tsundere-esque, mean, teasing and pulling no punches way of interacting so everyone figured they really disliked each other (both of them were surprised to find that the other liked them back too)

-When Fukase and Moke, who were the last members to join the friend group, first met Len, Fukase really disliked him while Moke adored him. This was in big part because Fukase knew Len’s celebrity image as an arrogant, self obsessed, annoying asshole, and Moke, being very into otaku culture, was a big fan who idolizes him and found his celebrity image to be talented and charming. However, when they actually got to know him, the script completely flipped and Fukase now finds him dumb, but charming, while Moke just finds him unbearable

[yowyowyaoi]

*Deidara wakes up and finds Hidan and Itachi sitting at the end of his bed*

Deidara: What the fuck?!

Hidan: Happy birthday, blondie!

Itachi: *leans over and puts a party hat on him* We wanted to be the first to wish you a Happy Birthday.

Deidara: This is ... nice, hm. But where's Danna? On my birthday he always wakes me up with flowers and breakfast in bed.

Hidan: Leader sent puppet-dick on a mission super early this morning. So we made ya breakfast instead!

Itachi: *goes to end table and picks up a plate* I made you eggs. Sunny-side up. They're perfect.

Hidan: They're just eggs, Uchicha. They're not --

Itachi: *flashes sharingan* I said they're PERFECT.

**meanwhile Konan's in the kitchen wondering why the counter is covered with plates of sunny-side up eggs; they were imperfect**

Hidan: And I made ya lemonade! *hands him a glass*

Deidara: *takes a sip of the lemonade and his face scrunches up* Hidan .. did you add sugar to this?

Hidan: Are you supposed to?

Zetsu, coming into the room: I picked you flowers. *hands him an uprooted cluster of daffodils, dirt-covered roots and all*

Deidara:

Deidara: T-thank you guys, hm. Er, do you mind if I take a few minutes to get dressed?

*everyone leaves*

Deidara, sighing, to himself: They tried, hm, but ... the best gift of all would have been Sasori being here with me ...

Deidara: Oh, well, no use pouting about it. Better get dressed and try to make the most out of today.

Sasori, hiding in Deidara's closet, with balloons: Hope you like surprises, brat.