#me when i start missing people before theyre even gone

[justthingsiwrote]

it feels, to me, that things can only become this intensely beautiful just before they end.

[pepprs]

like at some point i have ti admit it to myself. it’s a 2am delirious ramble after a hard sad day. but i don’t think i like my job very much actually. i mean i do i love it and it was made for me and i made it for me too. but how come something that i love and was made for me and that i made hurts so bad and so primally? how can i like something that brings me so much stress and grief and despair so regularly?

[godmadeaterribleerror]

I Skip My Pride - No Love Lost Bonus Chapter

Series Masterlist

Read on A03!

Author's Note: What an amazing opportunity to use that gif. Takes place in Chapter 22. Title from Lay All Your Love On Me by ABBA.

Word Count: 1.3k

Summary/Warnings: You share some music with Ben over text. Usual warnings.

Tags: Soldier Boy/Supe!Female Reader, canon divergence, fluff

whjt is empty v 

What? 

annie and mm are talkinng avout empty v. wat is it. Ben frowned at his phone, watching the little bubbles appear and disappear, and added theyre foghting about something calld a reeahna  

The bubbles disappeared for half a second, and then-��

Ask MM how to spell that. 

Ben ahead of him, where MM and Annie were locked in an argument about something that sounded fucking stupid. 

“How the fuck do you spell that.” 

MM twisted, frowning at him. “Spell what.”

“That weird fucking word you said. The reeahna.” 

“Do you,” Annie paused, exchanging a weird fucking look with MM. “Do you mean Rihanna?” 

“Sure. How the fuck do you spell it.” 

Ben listened as Annie sounded every letter out—slowly, like he was fucking stupid—and entered them into the phone carefully. 

rihanna. 

The response was immediate. Jesus fucking Christ, Ben. 

wat 

She’s a singer. And you’re thinking of MTV. 

whats mtv 

MTV was launched in the 80s. You should know what MTV is. 

Ben paused, then typed, cabel channel 

Good work. I’m proud of you. 

shutt up. why is that shit still aroond 

People love music, celebrities, and drama, and MTV provides all three. 

od they still do thw msuic show 

VMAs?  

sure 

Yes, they do.  

music goood 

What???? 

is musac still good 

I’d say it is, but it’s an incredibly subjective medium. 

wat music do u liek tha most 

Ben knew what music She liked. He’d spent hours listening to all her fucking songs, over and over while she was gone. But the variety had almost killed him with whiplash, and he didn’t have the goddamn time to comb through the infinite amount of songs she seemed to enjoy. If She’d just spell out the best ones, he’d memorize them because he loved Her, and not bother with shit that wasn’t necessary.

The little bubbles had started up again, appearing and disappearing for several seconds before- 

Did you listen to the playlist? 

dont knoww how

Do you want help?

He sighed, glancing up at Annie and MM to ensure they wouldn’t reach back and grab his fucking phone from his hand, and looked back down. yes 

Yes… Please? 

dont puush it 

I’m not helping you if you don’t say please, Benjamin. 

Ben scowled at the screen. pleas 

Thank you. Open the app, go to playlists, and hit the one labeled Benjamin Music Education Initiative. 

Ben rolled his eyes, but followed Her instructions, returning to the messages when he was done. now wat 

Listen to the music, dummy.  

i dont know theese songs 

That’s the point. There was a brief pause—Ben was really starting to hate these stupid fucking bubbles—before, There’s four songs per decade you missed. Three that are important for you to know, and one that I like. I also added some more familiar stuff that I thought you’d like, so you don’t listen to Toxic and explode.  

stuf i like 

Hughie said you like Steely Dan, so I went off of that. Ben grinned at the screen, even as the next message came through. Old fucking man music, by the way. You’re not doing yourself any favors in the “I’m not a goddamn dinosaur, Sunshine” department. 

He wasn’t a fucking dinosaur. Normally, Ben would’ve immediately typed that into the phone with a glare, but something in his chest was making him all fucking soft and fucking happy. He loved Her so fucking much, and it was making him a pussy, but Christ, he couldn’t bring himself to give a flying pig’s fuck. He could picture Her perfect face in a mock frown, almost hear Her voice dropped into that dogshit fucking impression of him as he read her words, and he did like Steely Dan. He had absolutely no memory of telling Hughie that, but Ben didn’t really fucking care if he’d mentioned it and forgotten, because now She knew. And She’d added a few of their songs to the stupid playlist, mixed in with a bunch of shit Ben didn’t recognize. 

doo i have to listeen now 

Do you not want to? 

i dont want to stoop talking to u 

There was a pause, and then, You can do both. They aren’t mutually exclusive. 

why 

Because two apps can run at once.  

Ben blinked, and went back to the playlist, hitting the button labeled play and almost dropping his phone as the music blasted through the car. 

“Shit!” MM turned around the glare at Ben as he smashed his thumb onto the screen, trying to stop the guitar splitting filling up the air. “Use fucking headphones, you asshole, not all of us want to listen to Nirvana right now!” 

“Nobody gave me headphone, you dicksack-“ 

“Here,” Annie threw a pair of thin white wires at Ben’s face, shrugging. “Those are my backups, they were like fifteen dollars. You can keep them.” 

Ben scowled at the alleged headphones. “This is fucking string.” 

“Goddammit,” MM muttered, snatching Ben’s phone and the wires from his hand and chucking them back into his lap, now somehow connected together. “You’re welcome, motherfucker. Go back to sulking about your separation anxiety and use those if you want to listen to music.” 

Ben didn’t know how to use them to listen to music. Headphones were big, and they went over your ears. These couldn’t go over fucking shit. 

how do u use wiires as headpones 

What? 

annie gav me string and said to use is to musicc 

Oh. Those are earbuds, you put them in your ears.  

Ben glanced down at the wires. There were little pieces on the end that looked bigger, and could maybe fit in his ears. 

They did. It felt really goddamn weird, but when he shook his head they didn’t fall out, and when he pressed play again it was like the music was being pushed into his brain.  

i got it 

Good work. 

shut the fhck up 

Rude. Do you like the music? 

its ok. loud 

I’ll take okay and loud. I did start with grunge, so it’ll get quieter.  

its not baad. didnt fuckinng expect it tho 

I have so many old man jokes. 

Ben rolled his eyes. brat 

Cunt. Wait until you get to the 2010s, you’re going to hate it. 

He might. Ben didn’t understand half the pop culture shit in the modern world, but She did, and he trusted her. He wasn’t listening to his music for himself, it was all for her. To find out what fucking music she deemed worthy of showing him, what stuff she loved, so he could love Her better. Maybe manage to understand her insane, genius fucking brain a little more. And he hadn’t been lying, the music wasn’t bad. A lot of it was weird as shit, but none of it made him want to rip off his ears.  

And it was making something inside of Ben all fucking soft and gooey, that She’d successfully figured out what music he liked. That she’d taken the time to do this, just for him. It was the Benjamin Music Education Initiative. This was for Ben, from Her. He fucking loved Her, and she cared about him enough to do this. He was going to memorize every single fucking song on this list, and maybe she’d do it again.  

He’d love Her no matter what. Even when she made old man jokes and called him a cunt, Ben would keep loving Her until it killed him. 

i thogt u hated romeo an juilet 

I do. Why? 

song 

Well, this version has a happy ending, and it’s an excellent fucking song. 

its fine 

It’s amazing. Do not disrespect that song, Pretty Boy. It’s blasphemy.

i said its fuckig fine 

I’m going to make you listen to the whole album. The entire discography. 

He could live with that. If it kept Her at his side, Ben would easily put up with listening to this twangy guitar for a million goddamn years. If it made Her smile, all the fucking better. wahtever 

Don’t test me. I’ll do it.

i no 

Know. 

fuckk off

No. You’re stuck with me. 

Ben could live with that as well.

End Note: Do you guys think Ben would be a swiftie. I feel like he would but he'd be like, angry about it.

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Taglist

@manicjk @lordofthunderthr @artemys-ackles @brtodd

[applecore6]

cw: use of she/her

“Do you think if we went to high school together we’d be together? Like high school sweethearts?”

“Hm?—” Her head perks up at the sound of his voice before processing the question. “—Oh we did go to high school together.”

“Hah?” Kuroo’s caught off guard by her matter-fact tone—as if it was common knowledge.

“Mhm. You went to Nekoma, right? I do recall hearing about the volleyball team. Weren’t you guys like really good?” She’s being way too nonchalant about this..

“Good is an understatement— What do you mean we went to high school together?”

“I mean we both attended the same educational facility??”

“No I mean, why have you never told me?”

She hums a sound as if saying I don’t know

“I’m not really one to come up to people and say “Hey, I recognize you. Did we go to school together?” that’s just breeding grounds for embarrassment.” She continues tapping on the screen in her hands, playing the mindless mobile game that just finished downloading. “Plus high school was a horrible time for me. I try not to dwell on it.”

“Horrible?” He tries not to pry. Tries.

“Yeah. Horrible.”

They had only been dating a couple months. A group assignment in their biology class marks the first interaction they ever had. He thinks about what she said a little.

“So.. if you hated high school so much, what drew you to me,” he vocalizes.

“The eccentric hairdo,” she replies curtly. “No but— I don’t know I’m not the best with words at the top of my head, but you really.. opened me up(?) not in a weird way. I just would’ve never voluntarily gotten to know a guy like you, but we started—y’know— being with each other a little more, and I thought, woah this guy is not what I expected at all.”

The words coming out of her flow out into the air straight into Kuroo’s brain. He feels the entirety of his face heat up at such a vulnerable confession from her.

“Umm.. back to the original question,” he mumbles out.

“Huh— oh yeah. No I don’t think we would’ve dated in high school. I was waayy too cynical. I probably grouped you with the rest of the jocks. At least now I know you’re a harmless little shit.”

Despite the lighthearted atmosphere, Kuroo couldn’t help but feel a little let down(?).

She hums out a sound at the sight of his face. If he had cat ears they’d definitely be pointed down.

“Hey. What’s with the face, don’t tell me you’re hurt little 17 year old me didn’t wanna date 17 year old Kuroo,” she teases him, but she can’t help the little bubble of pride she felt in her chest.

“I don’t know you’re just, you know, you. You’re really cool, and to be honest I’m kinda-what’s the word- I don’t know like. You’re telling me I could’ve known you even longer, spent even more time with you, maybe even know you a little better.” The words on his mind spilling out his mouth faster than he realizes.

It’s silent. She feels her chest tighten a little, and the feeling drops down to her stomach, spreading throughout her body. If this were a dumb 90s cartoon, she would’ve definitely gone comically red with hearts floating around her head like birds.

“Don’t worry you didn’t miss much—”she pauses thinking of the right way to word what she’s thinking “—I don’t remember much from high school if I’m being honest, but I remember the first time we met, I remember getting to know you, and I remember it felt good. I understood what people meant when they talked about young love, it feels like life before meeting you was kinda blurry, sometimes I forget that I’m a full fledged adult that’s lived years before this.”

It’s buzzing in both his ears. He doesn’t know what to say except—

“I love you, too”

Maybe they didn’t take the first chance they had together, but they’re with each other now. And they know they’ll be with each other tomorrow.

my writing is very bland and dialogue heavy, but i’m trying to get into it which is why im just vomiting into my tumblr drafts rn. forcing myself to write so i can get better T_T. theyre also very dialogue heavy cuz i dont rly have many ppl to yap to so in my head im having yap sessions with these characters.

this is kinda inspired by troy and annie from community with little crumbs of myself. (i fear im projecting myself onto the reader too much, but who cares this is my outlet)

[marloree]

hii could u do more hyuka pieces where theyre bffs and the reader isnt aware of his feelings/ cute confession stuff? hehe i love reading those slight angst + fluff pices :33 ty tyy

𝙸 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚠𝚎’𝚛𝚎 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚍𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 ‘𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎’ 𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘𝚘?

Pairing: bff! Huening Kai × Reader

Genre: fluff, romance, friends to lovers, slight angst if you squint, attempt at comedy/crack (?)

Word count: 0.94 k

A/N: thank you so so much for being my first request, whoever you are dear nonnie!! May your life be filled with love and happiness and may all your dreams come true ahh (sorry if I come off as a bit too excited hehe), and feel free to request more in the future if you want to! I hope this matches your expectations <33

Taglist: @babymochibeargyu (feel free to leave an ask/DM me to be added!)

You have been friends with Hyuka since elementary school. Maturing was difficult for both of you, but, despite being in numerous different friend groups and developing opposite interests, you stayed by each other's side through all these years.

Year by year, your bond grew only stronger. Both of you have gone through many hardships during the time, but it only drew you closer. You deemed each other as your comfort person. It really was true: you could vent and tell all your worries to Kai, just as he could do the same.

But, most importantly, you shared your happy moments, too. It was safe to say you two made what people call true friendship.

Or, so you thought it was only a friendship. Hyuka, unbeknownst to you, developed feelings far stronger and more intimate to be considered as just a friend's. A little crush he had on you in elementary now turned into something much bigger.

In Kai's eyes you were a perfect friend, a perfect person, everything he could ever dream of. But, would you feel the same way? The thought always was in the back of Huening's brain. And he, as any lover, wasn't so sure about this. The poor boy definitely didn't want to lose your friendship, but he couldn't completely shut down and bottle up his feelings, either. Especially since you didn't have a partner and, maybe, just maybe, you would feel the same way? Hyuka, despite his attempts to be realistic, always held that tiny hope.

What could be a better way to test the waters than try and gift you something? Of course, as your dear best friend, he would frequently make you presents for special occasions, but he hoped that a little extra gift here and there wouldn't hurt.

A pack of your favourite candies, a new set of pens since he always knew you lose yours, your favourite snack when you would feel down - such little gifts soon turned into another part of your friendship. You weren't completely oblivious to it, but Hyuka always was such a gentle and caring friend, there obviously were no other motives except his sweet and kind nature, or so you thought.

At first, Kai was even glad that you didn't catch on the reason for his gifts. But, as time went by, he couldn't help but wonder, were you really so clueless or was it your way of telling him you're not interested?

Well, you definitely were a little oblivious, even in Hyuka's opinion. You both were rather air-headed, so he couldn't blame you for the trait he himself possessed.

If not for you absent-mindedness, would you get to experience the fun of running as fast as you could to not get late to class since someone forgot to turn on their alarm or mixed the time, or doing the homework 5 minutes before the start of the class because someone was too busy dreaming in class to listen to the teacher?

You definitely would miss many hilarious and ridiculous moments if you both, or at least one out of you, were, or was, a bit more collected. In the end of the day, this is also something that drew you closer.

Hyuka now was in a quite difficult situation, not knowing whether he should cry or laugh at your obliviousness.

As the optimist he was, Huening tried his best to not lose hope and to do something useful instead. Since you were so clueless to gifts, Hyuka, gathering all his courage, decided to actually tell you about his feelings.

The next day, Kai dressed up and prepared some flowers specially for you. You both agreed to meet up at your usual spot. As Hyuka was wiping his sweaty hands with a handkerchief for the millionth time since his arrival, he finally saw you approaching.

Walking closer, you noticed the flowers, but the thought that these were for you never even crossed your mind. What a truly clueless creature you were...

Once you got close enough, Kai got up from the bench, stuffing the wet handkerchief in one of the pockets.

"Hi, Y/N...", his usually cheerful voice now sounded a bit quieter, carrying a certain amount of nervousness.

"Hii, Kai!!", you greeted back, happy to see him. But then something finally clicked in your head, making you realize the presence of the flowers and nervousness that was hanging in the air.

Your smile dropped, a hint of worry visible on your face. "Hey, Hyuka, did something happen? Did you have a bad date? Why do you look so out of the ordinary??"

Your sudden outburst of questions made the poor guy raise an eyebrow. "Sorry, what?" Kai looked so confused.

"Well, you've got these flowers and you look a bit upset, I thought maybe you had a date with someone (why wouldn't you tell me, though?) that didn't end well..."

"What!? Oh my, how could you even think of that," your explanation made Hyuka burst into uncontrollable laughter. "I wanted to confess to you, you silly clueless thing."

"What??" Now it was your turn to ask the question, your lips immediately parting in surprise. "Oh, as in..."

"As in I love you, silly."

It took you a good minute to process this new information; after realizing your mistake, you couldn't help but let out a giggle as well. "I actually love you, too. But how have I never noticed you feel the same way..."

"How have you noticed anything at all, that is the question", Kai chuckled, finally gifting you the flowers you initially thought were from a failed date.

[salmonight]

Fred Weasley x Hermione Granger x George Weasley Fic recs

(Mainly Fremione tho)

Fred & Hermione & George

Escapism: Hermione parents die when she is little and she gets placed with her abusive uncle. One day she runs off to find her own adventure and meets the twins in the woods. They instantly become besties. Adorable thing.

fun will be made if it is fun that is craved: Ex prankster Hermione plans a prank to deal with umibitch at the same time as a gift for the twins for the valentine's secret gift exchange

Fred/Hermione/George

Banned Books: Harry and Ron get mione banned from the library for two weeks and she is pissed. The twins cant miss out on the fun of helping her spirit a bunch of books away from the library and getting revenge on those two

Fred/Hermione

All One World: I rly adore the characterizations in this fic. Enterily Fred pov. He got insecurities about everyone thinking him stupid and that he can only ever be a comic relife. He also hates how they always talk as if he and George are one person, not different people no matter how similiar. Hermione wears his rule abiding rigid front as a defensive mask. She got more then one and theyre so perfect even Fred in the know sometimes forgets thats what theyre are. She is also sarcastic and witty and very caring and observant. She never fails to identify him right or know the right thing to put him at ease and he does the same for her pulling her out of her flunks.

Band Tees (You're Fucked.): Very bittersweet it literally made me fucking cry by the end. Fred had loved Hermione since the yule ball and he is the only one who knows about her love of grunge punk. They both share their love of punk music. It's just theirs.

Methods: Fred starts a playful flirty banter that Hermione decides to indulge him with joining in. Thats the first time she startles him. She is deadpan and sarcastic and all for teasing him and startling him. They keep up a fluid flirty banter no heed for the audience

A Charming Fairy Godprince: After Ron's mess up before the Yule ball Fred & George takes it into their own hands to cheer Hermione up and be her magical godfathers like Cinderella's. They rewamp her dress and enlist Ginny for her hair. Of course it cant go without over the top very obvious flirting (on Fred's part) and various compliments.

By the Common Room Fire: Fred is sick but still with the usual drama and flair lays across Hermione's lap and demans head scratches like a cat.

Destiny and Chicken: Hermione is sick so Fred brings her soup, tea and potions.

Exploding Potions and Accidental Revelations: Amortia explodes over Hermione in potions class so she smells like what everyone is attracted to. Fred commits social suicide by announcing she smelled the same as usual before knowing what is going on.

Favourite Weasley: The twins invite Hermione out to the Quidditch match. Who's her favorite Weasley? Wrong answers only.

It Looks Better On Me: The twins accidentally soak Hermione and it’s laundry day so Fred throws his jumper at her to wear. Then Fred is sick so he ain’t playing but out to watch the match so Hermione pulls her hat over his head. Later when he is better he flaunt it around so Hermione decides to steal another of his stuff in retaliation. It sparks an all out war.

While You Were Gone: Ron and Harry leave cuz they need a break after the war leaving mione behind which brakes her and the twins take it into their own hands. They basically adopt her as their third. Its rly fluffy and wholesome, warm and fricking hilarious . It also gonna make u wanna murder Ron and Harry :)

A Small Change: Fred got such a good grades in OWLs they thought he cheated but he didn', he is panicked about doing so well and wanna actually try in school so he writes to Hermione and she helps him. They become rly good friends from then and start to exchange letters and meet up a few times. Theyre rly wholesome and his anxiety about school and his family's reaction is just so real

don't you know you've got the best of me?: Hermione meets the twins and their friend group on the train and they meet again at the sorting. She ends up talking with the twins a few more times and they end up adopting her into their friend group. She aint rly that close with Harry and Ron and she befriended them much later. Most of her friends are all of the twins' year. She is the closest with Fred and theyre best friends, he is also very protective and possessive of her.

Whole New Meaning to "Mooning" Over Someone: When you throw something during the full moon your soulmate 'catches' i. Aka a frustrated Hermione throws her book during the full moon which consequently smashes into a poor sleeping Fred's face.

i wanted to see you again, so please be gentle: Soulmates and modern au with under caffeinated disaster Hermione bulldozing over the interaction not even realizing she met her soulmate. Absolutely hilarious first liner.

Straight Into My Arms: Every year since he was five fred asked for his soulmate from santa till one day they literally fell out of the sky and landed in their arms

George/Hermione

Fancy a night in?: Post-war. George finds any excuse to go over to Hermione's and make her smile.

To be updated...

[seaslugdisco]

nuzi is not a proship, i understand the confusion of the unclear timeline, but this is my understanding and how it places n and uzi at similar ages:

this theory has two versions, depending on the gap in the timeline of events between the core collapse and the disassembly drones arrival. first, the larger amount of time between these two events. the core of copper-9 collapses, nuclear winter ensues, all humans on the planet die, etc. etc. khan is one of the worker drones who defect from humans and begins to try to start his own life. nori, after being trapped in cavin fever labs and being experimented on and gaining the absolute solver, escapes with yeva. they meet as camp 98.7, fall in love, and move into a deserted human bunker with some other families and start a sort of civilization. they have uzi, but nori begins getting visions of the future- khans line in episode 4 about nori at the beginning, "she was always all: 'build doors against the coming sky demons!' 'the singularity awakens.' 'look at this cool s i can draw!'." nori tells khan to build doors, as in, on the existing bunker, not build the bunker.

uzi grows up to be about 19-20 when the events of the series play out, (the ages of kids her age from other bunkers on missing posters in episode 3 at the very beginning) you know the rest. this probably means that living under the ice in the bunker is just how she grew up, but the disassembly drones are a threat that appeared in her lifetime and killed her mother, presumably before she was a fully functional worker drone and still one of the smaller round baby drones (??? i dunno what to call them) this WOULD explain why she doesnt remember nori much but this always confused me because theyre robots??? they literally cannot forget unless they manually delete something from themselves??? actually thats probably a lore thing. whatever it doesnt matter for this theory. ANYWAYS, a big thing that i see people miss is that if disassembly drones have been alive long enough to kill nori, they have really barely gone through changes like the workers do as they "grow up". its understandable that they were just made to kill and didnt really need it, but this still places them at a much younger age than they look or are in the series. this means that uzi and n can be very close to the same age, even if they dont look it. im not sure if n v and j were just like actually pretty short because in the pilot opening sequence we never see the disassembly and worker drones in a same frame good enough to compare or if there was to change at all.

just really short disassembly drones is kinda a funny thought though lol

option two, which i find less likely but also more interesting, is very similar, but instead of after the core collapse, nori and khan meet BEFORE it. maybe khan defects from the company??? nori and yeva are able to escape??? idk if that could even happen or where i was going with this everything else is basically the same but uhh its a cool thought right

in conclusion: people who think nuzi is a proship what the fuck are you doing

thank you for coming to my tedtalk

[ultimateloserboy]

I’ve been holding back this ramble forever but the food episode makes me tear up and i NEED to talk about it.

The food episode was the only episode I really couldn’t watch as a kid. I remember being horrified by it. to this day i still feel uneasy thinking about it, even though it doesn’t scare me in the slightest anymore. the reason i feel uneasy now isnt because im scared, its because to me its the saddest episode of the whole series and makes me want to punch walls. when i was younger i didnt notice a lot of the things ive noticed now, and every time i watch the episode i notice even more.

a lot of people talk about this episode as if red guy ran away and wants nothing to do with the house, that he’s trying to save the other two by bringing them to his world. while i dont think this is a wrong or bad interpretation, considering it’s understandable, id like to talk about my own interpretation. i dont think red guy even knew how he left. keep in mind he just exploded and then woke up in an office. there’s absolutely nothing suggesting he ran away on purpose. all he wanted was for colin to shut up, he wasnt intending to find the room he found. this itself isnt an interpretation, its a fact, BUT how he feels about it and what he does in the red guy world is completely up to interpretation! mine is that he wants to go home instead of trying to get the other two out of it. lemme explain ok hear me out:

throughout the entire food episode red guy is constantly popping up in the background somewhere. hes drawn behind windows and his head is in the microwave in one shot. when duck knocks the camera over for a split second you can even see his legs as it falls. the leg thing is what really got me, because most other times he was simply drawn. but those were his actual legs standing in the kitchen. to me it represents the fact that he isnt actually there but is “haunting” the other two. they dont really remember him but they can see him out of the corners of their eyes. hes blurry and far away but they KNOW someone is there (or WAS there, i should say). but on his end i think it could represent how hes still there in his head, how hes still singing songs and shit like that despite being out of that world. he says he hated that world, that hes allergic to music, but now that hes gone from it its stuck in his head. he misses the music. he misses his friends. hes still there in spirit.

before i continue id just like to say that, no, the main three INCLUDING RED GUY dont always want to leave the house. especially when they have to leave the others behind. whenever theyre off somewhere they usually want to go back home, yellow guy even said “i want to go home” word for word once. but he also said “no more songs” these things can exist at the same time guys. they can not want to drown in oil but still want to live in their house, yall realize that right? thats a huge theme in the show, that the house and the main three have a very complicated relationship. they dont want to leave their home they just want it to, yaknow, NOT EAT THEM. so i think red guy wanting to come home isnt at all out of character. and he doesnt like the red guy world anyway, why would he take his friends there when theyre wacky as shit and wouldnt fit in there or enjoy it at all? also id like to make the point that he doesnt know what’s happening in the house (at least not the seriousness of it) until he sees the machine. so him trying to save the other two from getting munched makes no sense to me personally. AGAIN THO THIS IS JUST MY INTERPRETATION!! YOURS IS VALID TOO AND I LOVE YOU!!!

But anyway continuing on, ducks reaction especially makes me insane. whenever i see how duck acts in episodes like “jobs” when he starts freaking out and trying to get the first aid kit for yellow guy im reminded of this episode. duck really does love his friends at heart. he doesnt want to leave the house, he sees no point, but to me the reason he doesnt want to leave is BECAUSE of his friends (or at least one of the reasons). in the tv series duck has a whole argument with red guy about leaving, and while some people say this duck is different than webseries duck i have to disagree. i think duck wouldve always argued about staying, but i also think hed always want to leave if red guy did. duck always switches up as soon as something is “wrong”. he always wants to stay until one of his friends is acting weird/hurt/missing and then suddenly the world isnt right and he doesnt want to be there. not only that but he will do everything in his power to fight against the things keeping him from his friends or hurting them, even if it means risking his own life. he knew some weird shit was going on every time he answered the phone, but despite that he continued answering anyway. he interrupted the songs and pushed things away and kept running to the phone, being disobedient and not giving a damn. this isnt unusual for duck, but it makes me especially ill, because he acts very confused as well. hes very upset, not mad like he usually is but genuinely upset and worried. most likely because of how hazy his memory is. my favorite scene of the series is when he pushes over the camera and says “i dont want to do this anymore” it rips my heart apart hes just like me fr. it also comes back to the transport episode, where hes like “well the song wasnt that great but at least it was funny. nobody gets TOO hurt by these songs and stuff so who cares? why leave?” i think hes always thought this way, the reason he says “i dont want to do this ANYMORE” is because suddenly the world has shifted. suddenly things are much more sinister and make even less sense. suddenly he is in genuine danger, and he isnt coming back this time. things have gone too far now, and he tries tearing down reality itself to get out, but unfortunately hes just not strong enough.

i also like to think that the food is singing about red guy the whole time, not actually food, and how he deserves punishment, and if you end up like him youll be punished too (which is exactly what happens to duck for answering the phone) “the bad, not-healthy foods are very rude! and must leave through the catflap!” isnt that what red guy did? he wandered too far and saw what he shouldnt have so he was sent away. also the steak says “you need to know whats right from wrong” which doesnt go with the rest of the song at all and seems to be directed at duck specifically. it seems more like theyre trying to keep duck and yellow guy in line rather than teach them about food. when they say “you shouldnt eat food from a strangers plate” considering the previous lyrics and the context before the chanting i think theyre talking about not believing what youre told by “strangers” (aka the non-teacher characters) theyre saying not to listen to whatever red guy is trying to say, to not answer the phone, to not end up like him. or at least thats what i think anyway.

lastly, the ending. yellow guy sitting in the kitchen alone, in the dark, covered in blood while the phone loudly rings is probably the most haunting part of the series to me. remember what i said about not being scared? well i LIED. this scene specifically still scares the fuck out of me. it fills me with genuinely painful dread. the scene where he looks over at the phone, hearing it but not getting up to answer it and letting it ring until red guy gives up is heartbreaking. im not sure if yellow guy even knows what’s happening in this scene, but hes been taught by now to NOT ANSWER THE PHONE. so he doesnt. and the teachers leave him alone with the phone because theyre confident he wont answer it. and theyre right. it breaks my heart just looking at it. in the next episode he ends up fighting back just like duck did, but just like duck, he cant truly do anything. it really puts into perspective how powerless all three of them are. god it ruins me. all they wanted was to know what the biggest thing in the world was, and now theyve been torn apart for wandering too far. cries and sobs

[devondespresso]

i was reading a scoops era steddie au where eddie visits scoops often and one thing i noticed i alway want but have yet to see (bear in mind my fic pallette is basically just shit i see on Tumblr and occasionally reading every fic a certain author has written) is a specific scene of eddie noticing stobins missing when he goes to visit them at scoops the day theyre stuck in the bunker. cause they entered the bunker after a shift one night and didn't get out until at the soonest the next afternoon right before the mall closes so if either or both of them were scheduled to work then they'd be just... gone.

and how characters around them handle that depends on how soon (if at all) they're declared missing. did robin think they'd be in-and-out in their snooping and tell her parents shes be back a little late or did she think they'd be out kinda late fucking around and just lied to her parents telling them shes sleeping over at a friend's like how we know tina was going to cover for erica? did mrs Henderson freak out when Dustin didn't bike back home (knowing what happened with will) or did she know he was with steve and trusted that they were goofing off or something?

and usually i see Steve's parents not being home but what if they were?? they could panic because steve always has some sort of excuse for why hes gone or maybe just his mom starts worrying because while his dad never really asks about him she does and she knows hes probably not at some girls house right now because he at least would have told her. or maybe mrs harrington doesn't know her son as well as she thinks she does and assumes he is out at some girls house and is relieved hes finally getting to be more like himself.

maybe just one or two people in scoops troop are reported missing that night and maybe the search started for them is enough for the other's parents or friends to realize they're all missing. maybe none of them are because they each already had a coverup with the people who'd notice. maybe they spent a good few hours in that elevator regretting lying about where they'd be because now no one knows they're in danger and by the time they start looking it could be too late (obviously erica didn't seem to grasp this yet but shes literally 10 and it's definitely her fist severely traumatic life or death experience. for the others tho it could definitely be on their minds and i have seen a few fics where robin wonders about how steve and Dustin are reacting like they've done scary shit like this before together)

then morning comes and id give it until lunch with no calls or anything before parents who believed their kids were sleeping over to start worrying seriously. maybe they call the friend their child's supposedly with and get a confused parent saying they haven't seen them or maybe they get the friend picking up and confirming they're fine (like tina). but if Mrs Henderson gets worried and calls steve she'll either get the harringtons saying he isn't home right now or she won't be able to reach him. and knowing steves like a big brother and a best friend to dustin knows that if steve missing too he's probably at least missing with him and goes to the station worried about them both

and then theres the fact that scoops has to open in the morning, probably sometime around 10am. maybe steve and robin were scheduled to both work again and as 10am comes and passes scoops ahoy hasn't been touched. maybe some mall manager calls the scoops manager (forgive me ive never worked in a mall but i do work in a store-within-a-store and we have our own manager plus the big store manager) and asks where their employees are. if missing persons reports were filed that last night then the manager would be really worried while frantically trying to find someone to cover for them. but maybe no one knows they're missing yet and their manager is grumbling about their no-shows, maybe considering firing them for both disappearing without even calling out. depending on how much they know and if the reports were filed, whoever has to cover their shifts is either worried about their coworkers (probably moreso robin than steve because of his reputation) or utterly pissed that they both didn't show and they have to open scoops ahoy with a few hours delay and probably a good few karens bitching about being closed. or maybe one or the other was scheduled and while their no-show is really inconvenient at least someone's there to open and ask for backup

and then theres steves car still parked in the back where it was the day before. a bike left behind at the mall is less eyebrow-raising but a fancy car? Steve Harrington's car? Steve Harrington who was scheduled to work today but somehow isn't in scoops right now? is he skipping work while simultaneously wandering around his workplace? and whats worse is despite evidence being there *no one can find him*. maybe thats what it takes for people to realize hes like actually missing. maybe they think he was kidnapped, hopefully he just went home with some girl and lost track of time.

and then theres eddie. eddie whos been stopping by scoops for a while now. maybe he still doesn't really like Harrington but likes teasing him with Buckley or maybe they've gotten pretty close. maybe they're already dating. maybe eddie walks up to scoops one morning to find it closed or to find that one or the other didn't show up for work this morning. maybe he hears from the worker that ones missing or maybe they get a rant about how pissed the worker is to be opening alone. maybe he's the one to go to a mall manager or security officer worried about scoops being closed because he *knows* the people that are supposed to be there right now and they don't just abandon work at the same time with no explanations.

or maybe eddie visits in the afternoons and learns they're missing from their coworkers or maybe hes there because he saw it on the news and went on his our hunt. either way it'd probably end with Eddie looking around the mall for them because he knows steve isn't going to just abandon his beemer in a busy public parking lot. maybe he finds them high out of their minds while checking the movie theatre (this one i do see a lot and am obsessed with its so good) or maybe he doesn't find them at all (its a big mall and they are actively hiding from Russians who know they escaped. sure stobin are not being very secretive while high but dustin and erica are at least keeping them in less-discoverable locations). maybe he goes home knowing hes looked everywhere in that damn mall and assumes they're probably kidnapped and taken somewhere else (if he did find them tho that opens a whole can of worms for if, how, and how much eddie gets involved and while my brains gone down sone of those rabbit holes i don't think i will today)

and then they see the news about the mall fire. and eddie knows damn well that he looked everywhere in that mall but didn't see a trace of his friends but there they are on the news and apparently in the fire. maybe eddie assumes he didn't look hard enough. but maybe he sees how steves the only one with more than a few bruises on his legs, how despite them claiming he was trapped in rumble that also allegedly killed billy hargrove he looks like hes carrying himself on adrenaline alone and hovering around robin and the kids like something more than falling support beams could get to them. maybe its the fact that he look as shit as he did but wasn't laying down on a hospital stretcher like he would be if he just got those wounds.

_._._._

hi if you saw any typos no you didn't UNLESS theyre funny or actually concerning then you should tell me and i can react appropriately

also i swear i feel like doctor strange looking through every possible reality when i go on tangents like this. idk whenever i come up with little fics in my head or come up with different ways my favorite unfinished fics could end im always exploring as many different versions of the same scenario as i can and coming up with as many what-ifs as i can.

also i pressed the poll button by accident while making this and idk how to make it go away to we're trying just ignoring it and not writing anything in it to see if it goes away

actually fuck that it probably wont work so im adding a poll question as a treat for the people who read this far

[alstroemerian-dragon]

izuru is so interesting to me conceptually. like i know in canon he’s kind of nothing unfortunately. at least in game canon, he shows up right at the end, says some eugenics-y shit, voices hajimes intrusive thoughts, and then hes gone, but. the concept of him, as hajime, but with everything that made him Hajime Hinata stripped away and buried under so much conditioning and bullshit that he cant reach it, is so. its SO. yknow.

its the whole argument about what makes us the people we are, right? if you take a person, and then erase literally all the memories they have of their own identity, are they still that person? have you taken away everything that makes them Them and made them a completely different one? how does that change, and pardon the philosophical question, their soul?

and the thing about izuru is that you can not tell me the memory repression was perfect. you can not tell me that hopes peak academy perfected the art of lobotomy so well that they completely erased every speck of hajime hinata that existed inside izuru kamukura. that boy felt what was missing he knew there was a hole the size of the fucking ocean in his head and he felt every centimeter of it. did he care? up for debate. izuru didnt seem to care about anything, really (which… i have some thoughts about his eugenics conditioning by the academy in regards to that but thats maybe another post). but i definitely think given enough time, some of that would have started to come back. maybe even after the events of the first game, when the school was open again, and junko was dead, and izuru was able to actually explore the place he was held and experimented in and look at the files, and discover his old name. something like that would definitely trigger some memory recovery, or at least a moderate breakdown of some kind.

i dont know. people have said before that izuru is kind of an interesting metaphor for depression if you think about it, and theyre right, he is. he doesnt care enough about anything in life, he doesnt care about hygiene, nothing is going to catch and hold his attention because he thinks he knows how everything in the world works so whats the point in even trying? but he isnt just a metaphor. thats who hajime was during that time. now im definitely one of the people who thinks hajime was a pretty depressed kid anyway, unable to fulfill what he thought he needed to be, constantly pressured to be something he wasnt and couldnt be. but izuru was so much worse. they gave that boy fucking. ultimate depression. super high school level depression. i definitely think the only reason izuru didnt ever do anything drastic about how utterly miserable he was is because. a lot of it was background noise to him? his brain was just blocked off so those triggers were unable to fire? and because. to be honest. thats truly so much work. especially with the reflexes and instincts and empowerment the experiments gave him. and junko’s despair was just intriguing enough to keep him moving

its just something i think about. if someone had been willing or able to just. talk to izuru and offer him a hand. understand that he was hurting and that he didnt have to be. that just because there were holes in his identity didnt mean he couldnt create his own pieces to fit into them. i truly think that if he’d had that kind of presence during the tragedy his brain would have unlocked itself. maybe not all the memories would come back, but he’d be able to feel stuff again at least. and thats… something.

[spicygambles]

can't stop thinking abt ur doc and beef comparison... they really are like opposites. Also ik u said the herding dog x lamb x wolf was more for grumdoc dynamic but i think it could apply to the beef, doc, mumby one as well. Especially cause one would assume beef is the herding dog and doc the wolf - only to be quite caught of guard that theyre wrong when beef gets his hands on mumby ehehe.. :3

Okay... I'm ready

Anon, you know me, I like my cheerful bubbly men to have that certain pinch of danger, that touch of obsessive, I mean- how many is it now? With Scar and Impulse, Grian, to a certain degree and they're just the specifically cheerful ones (Xisuma doesn't count, not yet). But Beef? VintageBeef himself?

I do write him as someone with a lil something slithering beneath his handsome, beaming smile, but when you categorized it as hunger, anon I have to say, it all started to make sense.

It's easy, I think, to look at Beef at a distance, see his charming smile, the excitable way he talks, his bouncy bubbly personality and take that as face value. Just as easy to disregard the sharpness of his canines and that look in his eyes, everything he's buried under the heavy layers of restraint and self control.

He knows himself, knows what he's capable of and only a handful of people have scratched the surface of it. But he loves his friends y'know, from the past and all through the present and he knows himself, what he's capable of and he's spent so much time reigning himself in, moulding himself until the danger is all but gone and love's the only thing he's capable of offering.

That doesn't mean his teeth aren't sharp though.

So! The herding dog and the wolf are friends and they spent a good chunk of the past together and they know- eh I'd say most of each others capabilities. Where does our lovely lamb fit in?

Well, Mumbo has a certain... magnetism around him, even with how aloof he was in the beginning, how rare his interactions were (we've talked about this before and will do in the future), but its in both Beef and Doc's nature to be drawn to him.

It only really started during season 5, just... surface-level stuff, a budding curiosity. It felt like both of them were at the cusp of something significant. But there were many other distractions, a lot more games, and they both left early so it didn't really go anywhere in the end.

Season 6 came and Grian did his thing, now Mumbo was a little less avoidant and a little more present. Doc was there, his eyes now looking at Mumbo, rapidly growing fonder, but Beef wasn't and Doc had let his guard down.

Season 7 and Beef was back! Doc, caught in the joy of the reunion didn't even think to put his guard back up and honestly? He didn't really need to at this point. Beef had spent the season away further dulling his claws after all.

But again, that damn curiosity, not to mention the fact that Doc had already sated his.

During the welcome back party Doc had taken it upon himself to catch him up to things he missed, talking his ear off as he eagerly listened. But as the night wore on and their supply of alcohol dwindled, Doc's tongue got looser and looser and the man is talkative when he's drunk.

Who knows how their conversation steered towards Mumbo as they huddled closer and closer, Etho and Bdubs already conked out for the night, maybe Doc just recognized his past hunger brimming on the edges of Beef's cordial smile, but he spared no detail and that made that age old curiosity burn.

Beef would then find himself subconsciously stalking Mumbo, keeping his eyes pinned on him like he was prey. Time passed, the honeymoon happens and maybe this is why Beef was like that, so sure of himself, so... in the know. Maybe the honeymoon wasn't as spontaneous as it could've been even... who knows.

I just think it's funny that the wolf only got to the lamb because the herding dog barked when he wasn't supposed to.

[nii-chans-rabiddogs]

Weird Doctor

TWs: drugged character, restraints, muzzle. It's extra long, but I'm not sure where to cut it so I haven't. lemme know if i need to add any other TWs if theyre missing, please. Have fun <3

@cupcakes-and-pain @maracujatangerine

It feels like I’m floating in syrup, cuz everything is nice and quiet and slow, but it’s also too cold to go back to sleep. I wriggled around until realizing that I’m not on a bed and there is no blanket, sadly. I opened my eyes enough to figure out that the cement I’m laying on isn’t covered by anything. Why would I sleep on cement? It’s not warm or comfy at all, and I always trip over the cracks and skin my hands or knees, it's the worst. Wait, there’s a blanket, but it's on the other side of the room and I don’t wanna get up. I stared sadly at it for a bit, letting my brain melt away. Eventually I got too cold and tried to get up, but my arms shook and everything started spinning just a little bit so I laid back down. I huffed, and tried to remember what happened but I kept getting distracted by how cold it was. Why would anyone ever make it so cold? Why would you torture yourself like that? It has to be at least 71 degrees for me to feel comfortable and even then I hide under the blankets. It definitely isn’t that warm in here, and I wanna leave but the only way out is a weird door with a flap at the bottom. 

Actually, the door looks like those ones in movies, yknow? The ones for cells to hold the prisoners, all steel and whatever metal doors are made of. It looks really heavy though, and the room is pretty dark. I can see alright, but there’s no light coming in anywhere. There’s also a ring in the center of the room, which is a trip hazard. You shouldn’t put things out in the middle of the room with no light source, someone’s gonna break the ankle tripping on it. I wouldn’t though, cuz I never trip ever and anyone who says I do is lying and should be banished from my kingdom. Wait, I don't have a kingdom. Do I? Oh well. It would be nice to have a kingdom, just relaxing all day getting to eat all the chocolates and not having to do anything. Maybe I should start my own kingdom, but people say it’s hard. All you gotta do is declare yourself king though, so I don’t understand what they think is hard about that. Maybe they can’t make themselves king? I could make all the people kings, but only if they promised to leave my kingdom alone and give me chocolates.

Suddenly, the door was shoved open, and I closed my eyes against the very bright light that came with it. That was scary, it dragged on the ground and made a really loud noise that hurt my ears. I opened my eyes to glare at it, so it wouldn’t do that again. Oh hey, when they get here? There was someone standing in the door, with a weird thing in their hands. 

“Oh good, you’re awake. Let’s get this on you, I need to take you down to the medbay. You lost quite a bit of blood, and we need to fix that. Getting more is a pain, by the way, so if you lose any more I will drain you dry myself, understood?” They said, walking up to me with the weird thing.

I tried to say something but it hurt and I started coughing, which hurt more. I huffed, cuz I couldn't do anything else. The guy crouched down, setting the weird thing on the floor nearby. He unfolded the weird thing, which had other things inside. He grabbed what looked like one of those shock collars for dogs, but without the spikes on the inside. She- wait, is she a guy or a girl? I can’t tell. Oh well. They slid it under my neck before pulling it tight and clicking it together. Rude, I’m not a dog. I’m not even an animal, everyone can see that. Maybe they need glasses? The weird person was wearing a doctor trench coat, which is even weirder than a normal trench coat, actually. The weird doctor pulled another thing from the little pile that was already mostly gone, and it looked like an odd fabric mask.

He lifted my head up and placed the cold metal part under my chin, and pulling the top metal piece over the bridge of my nose. I tried to watch, but my eyes went cross eyed and made me dizzy, so I just stared at the weird doctor again. They tugged on it before clipping the two back straps together around the back of my head, and then making it really tight somehow. I winced and tried to move away but the weird doctor just yanked my head back and told me to stay still or else, so I stopped wiggling and glared at them. They started pulling on something on the side of the mask thingie, and then that side was really tight and I couldn't open my mouth at all. They started doing the same for the other side, and I tried to move again but it was hard and really slow, so the weird doctor just shoved me back onto the floor.

He yanked my hands behind my back and click-clacked super handcuffs onto my wrists, right over the cuts from before. I tried to pull on them, but it just made my wrists hurt really really bad so I just laid there while the weird doctor went out past the door. It was still cold, but now it was worse cuz i can’t move and everything hurts. Weird Doctor dragged in a moving bed, like the ones in hospitals for patients. Weird, a doctor would never let it get this cold. I’ve never seen a doctor before so I’m not sure. Or a hospital. Movies show them all the time, and they always seem really loud with everyone yelling and weird machines beeping or screaming. Maybe Weird Doctor is a worker for a quiet hospital? Quiet hospitals seem like they would be more secret-ier, so they have to be super secret and make sure nobody tells.

“Alright, runt. I’m going to lift you and if you kick me, I will break your ankle. Behave.” 

That was the only warning I got before Weird Doctor lifted me up in the princess carry and set me down on the moving bed. I wanted to kick him but it felt like I was gonna throw up and I didn't wanna do that. I can’t even open my mouth at all, and I didn't wanna have to swallow puke. That’d be really gross and icky. I jerked when my wrists got crushed under me, and it felt like someone lit them on fire so I rolled onto my side. I took a deep breath, but it didn’t make me feel any better, and nothing made any more sense. Hopefully Weird Doctor could fix my wrists, and maybe give me some chocolate. I’m really hungry, but I can't ask for anything cuz my throat hurts, and the mask keeps my mouth clamped shut. 

Weird doctor started pushing the moving bed out of the dark room, and out into the hallway. I didn’t look very different, but there are lights which is nice. No one will trip, cuz now they can see the ground. Unless they’re distracted, like the one time Detective walked into a door while reading a case paper. He dropped like he was shot too, which was funny cuz he cussed like a sailor, whatever that means. I heard Ms. Secretary say that to someone, but I'm not sure what it means. He did cuss a lot though, and he said I shouldn’t repeat any of it to anyone who looked like a reporter.

We passed by some other rooms, but they all had the same type of door, so I couldn’t see in. I heard something whimpering in one of them, maybe a dog? That makes me sad cuz doggies are really nice and fun to play with, they shouldn’t be hurt. Maybe if I ask really nicely, Weird Doctor will help them too? We passed more doors, and I could hear yelling from some of them, which was scary. I don’t like when people yell, cuz they get really loud and mean and scary. Weird Doctor just kept pushing the moving bed along, and the yelling went away. Weird Doctor is kinda nice, but I don’t like the super-cuffs cuz they hurt my wrists more, or the mask cuz i cant open my mouth at all, or it’ll pull on my nose and make that hurt too. Maybe if I was good, Weird Doctor would get rid of them? And, and maybe if i was really super good i’d get chocolates and something to drink. My throat felt really dry and scratchy, and that was worse than it hurting cuz I can’t scratch my throat. 

Weird Doctor walked us around a corner, and suddenly there was an old elevator, like the ones in the scary movies. It looked a little different though, cuz there’s red blotches everywhere and I thought rust was orange. Maybe rust gets darker the longer it's there? The elevator jerked, and suddenly it felt like I was climbing but without actually doing anything. It was cool, but also made me feel sick again, so I ignored it and listened to the music that was playing from somewhere. IT was really nice and calming and made me feel sleepy again, but I don’t think Weird Doctor would like it if I fell asleep again. The elevator dinged, and Weird Doctor pushed the moving bed out of the doors. The walls were really bright, and they were white. I was right, this is a hospital! But it's a quiet hospital, cuz I don't hear anyone yelling, and nothing is beeping. It’s really nice. They pushed the moving bed really, really close to another bed, and lifted me onto that one instead. Why would they do that? The other bed was just fine. Probably a Quiet hospital thing. Weird Doctor undid the super-cuffs, but then they rolled me onto my back just to strap my wrists down to the bed. This is a little unnecessary, I couldn’t do anything before, so what’s the difference? They walked off, so I just laid on my back and rolled my head to watch them. Weird Doctor pulled out a tall, rolling thingie and hooked a red bag to it. 

They dragged it over to me, and shoved a needle into my arm. I huffed at the prick, but then the tube it was connected to started to fill with the red stuff. It looked really super familiar but I can’t remember. It was definitely a hospital thing though, but usually the bags are clear. Maybe I get to have a special bag cuz I'm a special boy. I’m the specialiest of boys, so that makes sense. Weird Doctor kept walking around and grabbing things and setting them on the table right next to the bed. I didn’t see that, maybe it's to hold all the chocolates and medicine things Weird Doctor is setting down. They need to make sure to leave enough room for the chocolates, though, or else I’ll have to beat them up. Chocolates are the most important-y things ever. 

I blinked slowly as Weird Doctor started filling needles with something, but it’s getting hard to stay awake cuz it's warm. The heat made me tired, and I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Hopefully Weird Doctor wouldn’t be mad at me, but they also never said anything about not falling asleep, I think. They’ve been nice so far though, cuz they haven’t yelled at me at all. Still don’t like the mask thing, so he’s not the nicest but he’s nice enough. I rolled my head over t o look at the ceiling. It was a pretty grey color, and I stared at it while falling asleep. Blue would be prettier though, I think.

[swiftly-skywalker]

10 songs, 10 people (part 2!!)

okay when i did this a while ago I said i wanted to do it again so now i am :P this round's way more chaotic so buckle in bitches my caps lock was working hard tonight

lets get started

@justadmiringanakin (i know i already tagged you in the last one but you have top tier music taste so im bringing u back) @emilysmidnights (come back...be here) @karmaismyb0yfriend um idk anyone else to tag so open tag?

You're Losing Me | Taylor Swift - bro this song. so devastating but also such a period slay??? miss blondie i just love you so so much you will always be awesome

firearm | Lizzy McAlpine - "what a joke?!?!" "WHAT A FUCKED UP REALITY SHOW?!?!?!?" "YOU HAD ME CONVINCED THAT YOU LOOOOOOVEDDDD MEEEEE???????????????????" i have no other words. lizzy i love you so so much as well you're so cool

in my head | Ariana Grande - this one's partly for ch 18 of ffm. I- rfobsVKfobalAbalbgrushf I love this song so much. The lyrics? the production?? the high notes??? perfection. ALSO GO READ FALL FOR ME PLEASE BY @justadmiringanakin DO IT

The Alcott | The National and Taylor Swift - the parts where they sing like at each other??? AMAZING. i never fail to scream out tay tay's parts-- DID MY LOVE AID AND ABET YOU SHRED MY EVENING GOWNNNNNNN

Easier to Cry | TV Girl - and she just wanted to die but it was easier, it was easier to ADFFJSKBF:IURCSVG CRYYYYYYYY

What You Wish For | Guster - okay where my hayden girlies at cus theres a story to this one. I've always loved Guster since I was a baby, theyre my mom's fave. The movie Life As A House (EMO HAYDEN) came out about 4, 4.5 months after I was born. The directer of LaaH is a HUGE Guster fan. Their songs are in all of his movie soundtracks. This, along with the song Rainy Day of the same album (Lost and Gone Forever 1999), were featured in Life as a House. My mom met the director of this movie at a Guster concert when I was unfortunately only like 2 and too young to go. She also loved Hayden-i guess the obsession is a gene lol. thank u for coming to my ted talk

Thinkin Bout Me | Morgan Wallen - before I begin, if you're thinking of hating on country music, do not interact please. it's unnecessary. I'm unashamed for my interests. anyways this song is so GOOD morgy is absolutely SAVAGE songwriter and i loveeee him for it.

NYMPHOLOGY | Melanie Martinez - this song is also so amazingly savage. I love both Melanies, old and new. Angry songs are my PASSION and this song hits so hard for me

Someday You Will Be Loved | Death Cab for Cutie - "DO IT FOR BEN GIBBARD"-my friend i was talking to making this as i told her idk if i should put death cab on here -> this is my fave song by death cab (postal service and solo gibbard not included) for inexplicable reasons

and finally....

WILD UNCHARTED WATERS BY JONAH HAUER-KING yes i felt the need to yell that one at you guys this barbie just saw the little mermaid and is officially obsessed. IT WAS SO GOOD!!!!! the music? the storytelling?? the casting???? PERFECT. Everyone was soooo good in it and i encourage you ALL to go see it or watch somewhere. i condone illegals to see this movie. anyway Jonah Hauer-King was GORGEOUS and sang SO WELL and I LOVE HIM and OMG. ive listened to this song on heavy repeat in the last few days. like my spotify is having a stroke actually

[snaileo]

gonna write this post to reflect upon things before the year ends - it will be long

i dont know how to start this - or how to even express my thoughts. but this year was hard - very hard and i wish i could remember what i was doing last year. last new years eve, but i cant remember. i wish i could tell my past self, that in a few days time, you would learn that your mom's cancer came back and then 8 months after that, on the dot, she'd pass away. obviously i cant. this last month has been especially hard, not that i was excited for christmas anyway, but it was my first one without her. one thing id do every year is check everyday for xmas music to come on the radio, which i did excitedly??? this year, and on nov 10th, it started and my excitement was cut abruptly when i realized i was alone in the apartment, without her to exclaim it too. it hit me all over again. its so hard to go into her room even though i have too bc the washer and dryer are in that particular closet, and it still feels like shes there. its eerie. its hard for me to associate this absence of her with being gone because this is just what her room looked like when she kept having week long hospital stays every month since may - so it was no different right? but i gotta keep telling myself that it is, that shes not coming home. Well she *is* home but not how I knew her.

both my dad and i felt this time was different, long before the complications began. i remember having that conversation with him, anxiety gripping every part of my being, something just felt different about all this - and it wasnt until months later that our fears would be confirmed. one of the things i struggle with most is guilt. feeling like i couldve done more, that i shouldve done more, that i was her caretaker and she died - i feel like i let her down, i feel like maybe if i had done this or that, it would be different, that she would still be here. i try to tell myself i did all i could but its difficult. i simply feel like i failed. i failed her. she deserved better than what she got -

she had seemed so invincible to me, with all that she had survived in her life, the way she carried herself with each thing she overcame - but in that final week, the one she spent in the ICU till she passed - i saw her slowly break down, her body slowly give in - i was really hoping she would Bounce Back, like she always did, so many close calls in her life, but she always came back - i was anticipating the next week when she would be out of the ICU, back at the apartment, talking about how she survived yet again -- but that didnt happen.

i completely broke after her passing, and had a solid month of feeling, disassociated from myself - deep within an existential crisis and grief - really truly grappling with what death is - and it took a while to realign myself. im still not okay - but im better than i was then. im still very lonely. the amount i spoke to my mom, daily, was something i never even realized until after she passed. i cant talk to my dad the way i talked to her - she had a near photographic memory and could recount stories and tell them in such an engaging way that i hate that i do not have a single fucking recording of her telling any story. that i no longer will hear her recount her life to me, tell me as if it happened yesterday.

im finding new things everyday that i didnt even realize i'll miss.

she believed in an afterlife, in spirits and heaven, and i hope, for the sake of the terrible hand she was dealt, that there is an afterlife, that she gets the happiness and peace she deserved. i found a lot of comfort in reading people's stories about seeing deceased loved ones in dreams, ones that feel like a visit, whether or not theyre truly a visit or just what the heart needed - it was comforting. one thing i didnt foresee was how painful the dreams she appears in would be. how painful to see her or hear her, or just knowing shes there - and then i wake up. reality hits. one odd thing to note is the first time i had dreamt about her after her passing, i wasnt allowed to look at her, i knew she was there, somewhat in my peripheral but there was a voice telling me "do not look at her, dont look at her" it was a strange feeling, it was so vivid. most of my dreams now that consist of her are typical dreams, tho a portion of them have me baffled that shes even there and i try to ask her How??? i thought you were dead, and she would come up with some excuse or some way how she survived. its a strange feeling. dreams are strange.

realizing this is getting too long. if you stuck with reading this whole post thank you i guess. this was meant for me to vent and reflect. especially since my mom was born in the year of the dragon, and 2024 will be the year of the dragon.i dont know how to end this post.

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

life's been okay. nothing special. days just keep on going. ive had a job for bout 2 weeks. ig thats not really an achievement tbh.

before this, that work from home place i was barely working, prolly 5-10 hours a week. and i'd slither out of those where possible anyway. this one week i worked a whopping 2 hours within 2 weeks. I was planning on killing myself and occasionally tried to all throughout having those jobs so i wasn't really worried about the consequences

before that the only other in person job i had was for my ex best friend. she worked there so i applied and got a job o work with her. only for her to quit 2 weeks after i got in whiich lead me to quit prolly a week n a half later cause i finally got fed up with the manager.

so now, even tho it ain't the longest ive held down a place, its the first that i really cared to put in effort to hold a job.

im semi celebrating but im honestly miserable. my feet hurt so fucking bad so it literally doesnt matter how good my hours are i never want to leave my bed. the people up there are so cliquey and on my 2nd day out of training one of my coworkers went off on me for going too slow and "not putting in my part". theyre starting to give me longer and longer shifts. i went from working 3-4 8 hour shifts per week to working 3 doubles just like that. they sooo generously give an hour and a half break in between the 6:30-3 and 4:30-8 shift but.. who in their right mind is even leaving atp? i live too far for that. i'd be home for at most an hour. waste of gas.

and to me what's worse, this whole situation is exactly what i've been avoiding. i knew it'd come down to this someday. but what alternative do i have?

HA. you know as a kid, i never understood addiction. I never thought I'd have to deal with it. By the time I was 8 I knew I'd kill myself someday. if i ever felt bad, that'd be what i'd do. no need to force myself to do something i didnt really wanna do. but now it seems so easy. i don't know what i wanna do from here. i hate my job. i hate my home life. i dont like to talk to my friends anymore. im bored of games. im bored of music. bored of tv.

whisking the days away doing what i have to would be a lot easier if i didnt have to be fully present for all of this. just something to pass the time until i have a better handle on what's the next move. right now, the only thing i can do is save up money. i have shit to pay off if i wanna keep a good credit score and i have things i need to buy. what's me hating every second gonna change?

though i know it's a slippery slope. abusing shit aint gon work out as smooth as I wish it would. I'll get addicted and then I'll get used to feeling that way so it'll take more for me not to get annoyed. then it'll turn back to me immediately running back to it for every minor situation. and honestly with the job i got i'd just have to hope i would be able to push through it without it being noticeable

i'm not happy i stopped. i feel like had i still been on dph i would've known for a fact how to make myself look normal. i could be gone out my mind but long as i get the shit right i could just daze through the days. but ya know. now. i ratted myself out

and now im stuck.

nothing more for me to do. nothing else i could be doing. nothing else i should be worried about other than making money

I never understood why adults always told me i'd miss being a kid since i was always struggling so bad. all they ever said is that my problems then were gonna feel like nothing once i was an adult. but they were wrong. i guess for now. but all i wish now is that i used all that freetime back when nooo one woulda suspected anything if i was away for a lil while. back when i wasnt ful grown and it'd prolly take a whooole lot less to finish the job

but here we are. forced to keep going and doing what i can to suppress what i really wanna do

ah speaking of which... i got pissed the other day and i tossed one of my drawers and broke it. then broke my bottle for my vitamins by throwing it to the ground. then i accidentally knocked over this container of beads and instead of just sweeping it back into the thing and reducing the mess, i just kicked it as hard as i could and tore the container apart. there's still beads everywhere

that is something i can't force myself to contain anymore. everything else i've been dealing with fine but when im pissed im pissed. i gotta get that under control too

[my-lunaberg]

I came up with that AU the other day thats like, what if Wilbur approached Tubbo to make drugs first which leads to Tubbo becoming his right hand man instead of Tommy, but I had some issues properly developing it because if their personalities and goals stay the same and its just that one change then nothing is really different after the Manberg/Pogtopia war because Tommy would still reject the presidency for his discs and Tubbo wouldnt get himself exiled and even if he did something exile-worthy, Dream wouldnt double down the way he did in canon, because he cares about Tommy and his discs and not Tubbo. However, Im rewatching Tommys exile vods and he keeps going on about "if the roles were reversed and Tubbo was exiled" and it gave me some ideas

So, I still dont really know how Tubbo would get himself exiled, so Im not even gonna talk about it

First, I do think Tommy would want to visit him even if they had an argument before the exile and I definitely think Dream would be spending a lot of time with him in order to prevent it (and yknow, for manipulation reasons). Tommy would probably be a lot less suceptible to Dreams emotional manipulation attempts since he has more of a support system in Lmanberg, so I feel like Dream might try to influence the way he runs Lmanberg instead. I think Tommy would struggle quite a lot with being the president and it would make him feel bad on top of missing Tubbo, so Dream could maybe exploit that idk

I dont really know if Tubbo would actually have more visitors like Tommy is saying because yeah, Tommy was pretty destructive and some people didnt like him but he did have friends who (aside from Tubbo kinda) really had no reason not to stop by. Idk, I'd say he would get as many visitors as Tommy in canon, he just would actively push them away because he doesnt have the mindset of "oh theyre just doing this out of pity and I dont like it" (although thats something that could develop over the course of his exile)

Back when the exile arc was still on-going, there were speculations that Tommy would join Dream and become a protegee of sorts and nothing close to that ended up happening BUT I feel like Tubbo would be more likely to join Dream if he was put in that situation. Like, Tommy has said multiple times that the disc are the most important thing to himand I feel like that already kinda got to him but if he was isolated with Dream manipulating him, I think it could convince him to join him. And then we could have a really interesting conflict between Tommy and Tubbo and really confront the fact that he seems to care more about his discs than literally anything else. I think there would also be some good internal conflict from Tubbo because yknow, siding with Dream has historically gone bad for former presidents of Lmanberg. ALSO maybe he would think a lot about that thing Wilbur told him during the festival that was like "youre just a yes-man" and reflect on that or something

This would be the point where the AU starts diverting more and more from canon since Tubbo doesnt move in with Techno n Phil and all that doesnt happen because hes still just with Dream, but i dont really know how exactly it would divert rn. Maybe I'll come up with that as Im watching idk