justthingsiwrote

[justthingsiwrote]

god feels like a cruel joke to play on lonely people.

[justthingsiwrote]

the breakup depression feels so stupid to me because like. I am sobbing uncontrollably and a lifeless husk of a woman over a BOY???? it's like girl.... get up.... except the girl is me and i cannot get up I just want to disintegrate

[justthingsiwrote]

i feel like im in some intermediate space between girl and woman. ive sinned too much to be a girl, too heavy with guilt to be a woman. i dont know where to go with what i have. what i am.

[justthingsiwrote]

has anyone else only been able to make it to like 12pm before the melancholy hits them like a truck recently or should i see someone

[justthingsiwrote]

[justthingsiwrote]

on that night, as the clouds fractured and lay spilling around the moon, on the night the smoke drifted through the streets and under the cars and beyond the graveyard, on that night i was being chased. i was being chased by something large and unyielding, something almost dutiful in it's pursuit, something that could smell my fear. yet i did not run. i had been running for so long that all i could do was pray it would catch me before i sat down in the smoking circle, finish its duty before i would have to confront all that had been rushing through my mind those last few nights, the thoughts that had been forcing their way between my teeth and into my nostrils and down my throat. perhaps it had been sent as a mercy.

[justthingsiwrote]

i really don't know what to do with this sudden tenderness.

[justthingsiwrote]

i really want to start writing my diaries in this style again, it felt super fun to be dramatic and tbh its one of the only things i dont cringe at on reading again.

The hotel was an ancient, crumbling thing, constantly under some kind of construction. Everything here was old and slow, the elevators, the water heaters, the staff. The hallways, dingy and narrow, made you feel overwhelmingly temporary. The floorboards were cracked and the walls were peeling, but the view was wonderful. Large, open kitchen windows that faced the ocean, the date palms swaying slowly in the breeze. Through the other windows, a graveyard, with colourful tombstones surrounded by huge, ominous-looking trees. The furniture and panelling was all made of the same kind of wood, warm and brown and comforting against the white walls. Being here felt like a brief respite from time. I spent my mornings half heartedly studying and sending countless emails to the elusive Sarah, who I was rapidly losing faith in hearing from. In the evenings we went to the beach, walking for hours along the shore and looking at the dying starfish in the sand. There were always a couple of oil fires in the distance, tall and bright, giving the impression of giant accusing eyes. I saw accusations everywhere those days, in the glances of strangers, in the soft rush of the sea, in the silence of my friends. 

[justthingsiwrote]

on duty

he's been on duty since the beginning of time. always providing just about enough, always saying just about the right thing. never letting the mask slip. never knowing where the mask ends or if there is a mask or if it is all one and the same. he has always been a father and never a person. i remember him crying only twice in my life: once at his own fathers funeral, and once when i told him the tv was too loud. he let a single tear fall, and i saw it. his greatest and only failure. i know now that it wasnt about the tv, but i was just a child and so confused, what could i have done, how could i have hurt him, and now i am afraid every step i take is a knife to his chest. i would take a thousand tears, a thousand knives, anything to learn how to heal him, even just to know how he is broken. he will never tell me if he is hurting and i will never ask. when i fail i fail not only myself but him and a thousand men before him who smile but never laugh, never cry, never betray anything less than perfect parental duty. i wonder if he has ever had room for joy of his own. i could never doubt he loved me, but i am convinced he would like me more if i had been anyone else. we were crafted together. i to disappoint, and him to love despite.

[justthingsiwrote]

it feels, to me, that things can only become this intensely beautiful just before they end.

[justthingsiwrote]

god the audacity of men shocks me every day

[justthingsiwrote]

there is something here. out of sight but within earshot. of this i am certain. maybe its god. maybe its my mind breaking because i cant accept that im alone. but whatever it is. its here.

[justthingsiwrote]

feeling melancholic. but in a sweet way. i am still being crushed but gently and lovingly with a mortar and pestle. i am still feeling suffocated but by a big thick blanket. sadness is not disguising itself as kindness, it simply is kind. right now. tonight it will probably be violent again. i feel like i am being held. by something i cannot comprehend.

[justthingsiwrote]

to have the last parts of you slip through my fingers like sand, never looking back and never coming back. i cant take this. i gave you my future and my heart and my effort and now all i can do is lean against your cold, empty, remorseless absence. build castles in the clouds just to get me through the day and stuff my brain with cotton to get me throught the night. you would never try for me. i see that now.

[justthingsiwrote]

my sins swirl at my feet and seep deeper, deeper, into the soil, i might be getting washed away with them. what is left of me when it is all drained will have to put herself together as best she can. but i do not care. i am being absolved.

[justthingsiwrote]

someday he will be sleeping beside me for real, his skin smooth and warm under my fingers. his breath felt throughout my body as i try to match it. he starts in his sleep and i will pull him closer and whisper our love into his ear. through the night we melt into each other. together we build protection from what awaits. they do not find us in the morning.

[justthingsiwrote]

abba was so right. somehow i WOULD be doing all right. if it wasnt for the nights!!!!