#maybe the clicking thing isnt related to this but i think it is. also the clicking thing still affects me so. ye.

[rainerghost]

Google didn't give me any answers to my question (womp womp) sooo...

Question.

What's it called when you start thinking a sentence but then you have to start over because you didn't "think it right"?

[ratgingi]

hiii pls infodump about outis maybe??? i have been looking around ur blog for info about him but i havent found much 😔 /lh

HI HELLO im glad ur interested in the fish man...... hes lowkey criminally underdeveloped in a lot of ways but i do have a few things i havent shared before i think

1. some physical stuff about him is that i generally put him around adverage height (like 5'7"/5'8" or so) and hes pretty sturdy. it takes a lot to knock him around but he will usually let people lile drag/move him places if they want to

2. hes kinda strong (can generally lift people/heavy objects with ease) but also very gentle and will usually refuse to do so because he gets afraid he will drop them. he forgets hes holding things sometimes no matter how obvious and in his face the thing is. if you ask him to hold something he will put all his focus on remembering he is holding That Thing and blank out until its taken from him

3. hes had his turtles for a number of years (like before moving to dt, since hes lived with his parents) and he wanted to name them things relating to their scientific species names but his parents told him to be normal so they got named after ninja turtle colors instead

4. while the gentleness is partially because of his anxiety and his not wanting to upset anyone he is also just generally a gentle guy. hes very conscious of other peoples (and animals) feelings and boundaries and the last thing he wants to do is accidentally hurt somebody. hes very niceys

5. he will give literally everybody benefit of the doubt. he believes that generally most people are just trying their best and its pretty much impossible to get him to snap at anyone. even in his route, when the player would be able to be mean to him, he would always respond kindly no matter what they said or did. if a person genuinely irks him he just doesnt hang around them anymore hed rather die than get on someones case about something

6. despite it all i wouldnt really call him a push over, more just. hopelessly optimistic about the world around him. his brain is constantly telling him that everything and everyone is scary and wants him to explode so he has to tell himself that isnt true in order to function, even if that results in worse situations for himself sometimes

7. in his route you would in fact get to meet his turtles and the fish in his fishtank. you would also give him the opportunity to introduce you to each one via name, species, natural habitat, and more if you so choose

8. i Think ive mentioned it before but he is in fact a bit hard of hearing. because of this he talks a little louder. its also why he misses information sometimes, because he gets too scared of asking people to repeat themselves for him. a little sad when one of his favorite activities when around someone hes comfy with is listening to them talk

9. he can come off a bit ditzy but he is genuinely pretty intelligent, he just doesnt really use his braincells for things that dont actively interest him in some way

10. he picked his name because he went through a phase when he was just kinda messing around with his identity where he was interested in mythology (starting with more water-based things and growing from there), he clicked with the name and asked some of his friends to start calling him by that and it just stuck. if you directly asked him anything about mythology nowadays he probably wouldnt have much to say but if it just randomly comes up in a convo he will probably infodump about it some without really thinking abt it

11. speaking of his name he has a little script memorized of how its spelled where it comes from and what it means because hes used to having to explain it to friends/family

12. he mostly got top surgery for back related issues, hes generally pretty happy with his body. he would however give himself gills given the chance

13. he likes holding hands and hugging onto people but will only do it if you clearly tell him to his face that it is 100% okay to do so otherwise he will never touch you in a million years. there would probably be dialogue options in his route where the player can give him permission to do so and stuff implying theyre actively holding hands and stuff

14. there would be an option for the player to lie and tell him theyre a sea monster. he would think it was very cool and proceed to infodump about some of that water beast knowledge he knows

15. he does have a stutter, i wouldnt really say its Because of his anxiety but the anxiety certainly doesnt help. it mostly causes him to repeat words, but he also struggles with L's, Y's, and R's occasionally.

16. his font is harlow solid italic and his associated color is #FF8776

bonus have a doodle of him

[the-ark-awaits]

Hello all you may remember me from such bangers as 'show me the proxies in marble hornets' and 'and another thing'

oday um here to talk about how we've fucking regressed as a fandom since creepypasta and marble hornets on ao3 got. presumably merged as a fandom tags bc sorting for exclude crossovers still shows creepypasta fic. in fact doing that just now to confirm this, the very first fic on the list was creepypasta.

so obviously this is a huge pain in the ass for anyone who wants marble hornets fanfic and only marble hornets fanfic. you cant even remove creepypasta fics with exclude crossover, youd have to do it manually with filtering options not everyone knows how to use. and we shouldnt have to yknow? you should be able to go in your fandom tag on ao3 and find only that fandom and crossovers (which should be easily filtered out by exclude crossovers) same as here on tumblr crosstagging is a huge issue but the worst part of it is that the continuous crosstagging in recent years has caused the fandom tags to be merged (not fully as shown by the fact that the numbers for amount of fic in each tag is different) but enough that they're considered the same universe by ao3 which is. blatantly untrue.

creepypasta is a catchall term for internet short stories made by a community, marble hornets is one single webseries online. fuck the creepypasta fandom wouldnt be what it is without huge swaths of shit stolen from marble hornets (like yknow, the pages, the operator symbol, masky and hoodie) but that doesnt mean they are marble hornets fans that doesnt mean theyre making marble hornets content. that would be like saying that since fnaf and batim are kinda similar and the fans have an overlap that means theyre the same and should be tagged the same. they arent, and shouldnt be yknow?

also apologies this isnt the best post im kinda fried rn and im stuck on mobile

that not withstanding its fucking depressing. this did not used to be an issue. thr only fics tagged with both were generally easy to ignore or a real honest to god crossover, but now i swear you look at the mh tag on ao3 and the majority of the recent fics are crosstagged crp fics with giant tag lists that tack up the whole page and tag anyone who is so much as mentioned

and maybe this is a step too far here. but i really think this is bc of tiktok. the people crosstagging posts and fics seem to be the same type to complain avout the 'ao3/tumblr algorithm' not favoring them. but there is no algorithm, just annoyed fans who have to dig for their actual content because people dont have common decency anymore. theres an etiquette you need to follow for shit like this. like how would you feel if like. i dunno. fucking... genshin (just an example of a large fandom or whatever made a character cameo out of like jeff the killer and suddenly all the crp tags were filled with genshin posts not even related to or barely mentioning the character, just ti try and get more clicks?

youd be pretty fucking annoyed having to scroll past all that to find actual creepypasta content huh?

thats the same issue happening here, and honestly i think its a huge issue. for obvious reasons but also bc its so much harder to find mh content now that im sure its incredibly disheartening to be a creator in the fandom rn and foe the past few years. you work and make content for your rather small fandom and its buried under barely related shit, its gonna feel bad yknow? especially when that content gets more clicks bc. frankly theres more creepypasta fans than mh fans just bc of what creepypasta is format wise. its collectively made shortstories. you can like one or two and bc a crp fan, its not like that for mh

this is going kinda off my starting topic but anyways if theres any ao3 tag wrangles following me or who see this.

please for the love of god i beg of you to do anything you can to unmerge those tags i will do anything ill get receipts proving they're separate things please unmerge the tags im dying here

[mojaves]

For Alex:

🎻 VIOLIN — does your oc play any instruments? what is their skill level (beginner/intermediate/advanced/virtuoso/etc)?

💯 HUNDRED POINTS SYMBOL — share three random facts about your oc that others may not know.

🍸 COCKTAIL GLASS — what is your oc's favorite alcoholic drink, if they can drink?

For Ryan:

❤️ RED HEART — what are three of your oc's positive traits?

🐷 PIG FACE — what is your oc's favorite animal?

For Dev:

🤔 THINKING FACE — what are some of your oc's quirks/mannerisms?

🖊️ BALLPOINT PEN — does your oc have any tattoos? do they want any (more) tattoos?

💯 HUNDRED POINTS SYMBOL — share three random facts about your oc that others may not know.

🤓 SMILING FACE WITH GLASSES — is your oc chatty or quiet? are they at ease in social situations, or are they more shy?

For Dev's unnamed brother:

💍 RING — does your oc have any piercings? do they want any (more) piercings?

🤩 FACE WITH STARRY EYES — is your oc a planner, or are they more spontaneous in their actions?

Hope this isn't too much!

ALEX.

🎻 VIOLIN — does your oc play any instruments? what is their skill level (beginner/intermediate/advanced/virtuoso/etc)?

YES!!! he plays the guitar and the piano [: wouldnt necessarily say he is like. theee single most talented guy ever. but he's pretty good at what he does. it's more for fun than for like. the purpose of producing music/being in a band/etc. fun little side hobby that kept him busy when he was still alive,,, maybe he will pick them up again one day. who knows!!!

💯 HUNDRED POINTS SYMBOL — share three random facts about your oc that others may not know.

he is left handed. he does Not know how to swim. and the scar on his nose is from when he ran into a kitchen counter when he was younger [:

🍸 COCKTAIL GLASS — what is your oc's favorite alcoholic drink, if they can drink?

i have never had alcohol before in my life so i really Cannot think of anything for this one WHDGSHJGHJS he wouldve loved a strong drink from time to time though i think,,, they wouldnt do a single thing to him now though. he could drink gasoline and be completely unbothered.

RYAN.

❤️ RED HEART — what are three of your oc's positive traits?

wouldnt necessarily say it's optimism, but more of a very carefree attitude about things?? very much an "it is what it is" kind of person. things happen. it sucks!!! you move on. of course it isnt always that easy but this outlook has helped her get through life relatively unscathed, and also helps her keep calm in stressful situations, which tends to help others around her stay calm too. her self confidence also helps with that 10000% you can insult her all you want but she knows she is better than you and is not afraid to tell you.

🐷 PIG FACE — what is your oc's favorite animal?

she LOVES a good frog. fascinating little slimy specimens, as she likes to call them. she has made so many earrings and tshirts with frogs on them that she wears almost every day.

DEV.

🤔 THINKING FACE — what are some of your oc's quirks/mannerisms?

she has a tendency to click her tongue a lot before starting a sentence. it's like. an on switch for her brain. the second she stops talking it's off again until next time she has something to say.

🖊️ BALLPOINT PEN — does your oc have any tattoos? do they want any (more) tattoos?

that is something im gonna have to spin around So much more to get a better description but like. what i have in mind for her so far is mostly very fine linework, lots of suns + moons. very ethereal. some tarot related,,, little lines and stars on her hands/fingers. are you seeing my vision.

💯 HUNDRED POINTS SYMBOL — share three random facts about your oc that others may not know.

she's allergic to cats,, she worked at a funeral home for a day and immediately quit the next day, and she absolutely LOVES eating sunflower seeds.

🤓 SMILING FACE WITH GLASSES — is your oc chatty or quiet? are they at ease in social situations, or are they more shy?

on account of having talked to ghosts most of her life, it's really helped her be more confident and easy going + VERY easy to talk to. she can strike up a conversation with pretty much anybody these days.

THE BROTHER! WHO STILL HAS NO NAME. SORRY.

💍 RING — does your oc have any piercings? do they want any (more) piercings?

he has two earrings in each ear and a nostril piercing [: he wants more, but it is very much against his better judgement bc he almost passed out after he got every single one of those piercings.

🤩 FACE WITH STARRY EYES — is your oc a planner, or are they more spontaneous in their actions?

much like his sister, he also sees ghosts but it's way less fun for him, they're more of a nuisance and are VERY annoying, to the point where he cannot sleep or even think sometimes. and because of that, he tends to act without thinking, which does lead to some problems, but it at least makes everything quiet for a little while.

[mydemonsdrivealimo]

Idk if you've talked about it before but what's Ethan and Jensen relationship like in your HC?

i really havent talked about it ngl (aka this is going to be long af)

jensen respects ethans professional opinions, but i think some of that started to fade when he came to edenbrook and actually got to work with him. his sour demeanor towards colleagues, the occasional outbursts about work, the clear favoritism in the competition—jensen didnt appreciate any of it. they're already working in one of the most stressful careers out there, and ethans inability to work with the majority of his colleagues was a big problem for jensen. even though the favoritism was towards jensen, that was another thing that he felt had no place in a professional space. there were good moments, yes, but ethan was the definition of Too Much for jensen.

listen, jensen isnt a ray of sunshine either, but he tries, especially in the beginning. yes, interns are interns, but most of them are still trying their best under a lot of pressure. jensen wouldnt ask to give them a pass, of course, but a little compassion goes a long way. he would never tell ethan to change—its none of his business, frankly—but keeping the unnecessarily annoyed and bothered comments to himself would be appreciated (theres a big difference between thinking something and saying it).

jensens job wasnt to make him pleasant, personable, or likable for his colleagues, and it never will be. ethan was cold, obnoxious, and honestly pretty rude in the beginning, to the point where jensen never wanted to get to know him better. sure, he could get through a day of work with him, but he needed time outside of it to find him tolerable for the next. he never expected him to become nice overnight, but for someone so smart, he would think he'd know better, more conducive ways to turning out good doctors.

also, on a more personal level, jensen couldnt relate to him in any way. ethans hobbies are coffee and the opera, neither of which jensen is interested in nor are they casual/cheap things available to people living on a budget. jensen grew up with the least amount of money you can, and was damn lucky to even get to college or all the way through high school, and ethans lifestyle in no way leaves room for that. if they wouldve talked more im sure they couldve related on some level with ethans mom leaving, but both of their stubbornness put together was never going to let that happen.

on some level, ethan also made jensen uncomfortable with that. i cant think of a time throughout the books where jensen ever wouldve felt safe talking to ethan about how he grew up. maybe a vague couple comments when ethans mom came around, but not the extent of true, valuable details. another piece of my hc is that, during the competition when landry was sabotaging mc, he dragged up a few articles from when jensen was arrested when he was younger and sent them to ethan. ethan showed them to harper and they called jensen in to practically interrogate him about it and why he "hid them" in his application. they didnt bother looking into it more than that where they wouldve seen that it had been sealed. it put jensen off severly because they immediately assumed the worst of him.

some of its jensens fault, some of its ethans, but either way they never click as well as many mcs do. i actually think ethan really liked jensen once he got over the initial mistrust just from him being an intern, but by then he had already spoiled any chance at them being friends. (i havent really decided if ethan was ever romantically interested in jensen, but im not ruling it out)

[schizopositivity]

Hi there. First, I love your blog and have been finding it very helpful lately. Second, I just wanted some insight on what I'm currently going through. A traumatic event happened to me recently and I'm still dealing with the aftermath, it feels like it's made all my symptoms get worse and caused some old ones to resurface again, and I'm scared of things getting worse. The most convenient counseling available to me (in terms of the location and price) doesn't deal with more severe mental health conditions. They told me not to go back to them because they could only handle things like mild circumstantial depression and stress. So now I am trying to get back into long term therapy with a professional who'd be more equipped to handle cases like mine, but in the meantime, what coping mechanisms do you suggest just to keep me afloat for a while until I can access a professional again?

I don't want to get too detailed and unintentionally trigger anyone, but basically my intrusive thoughts have gotten especially bad (in all senses - frequency, intensity, how graphic/detailed they get), my "unhealthy beliefs" are becoming more obvious to the people around me and it's been interfering with my daily functioning, some other stuff has been going on that's hard to put into words tbh and overall it feels like my brain never gets a break from itself since it's so damn "loud" and it feels like the thoughts won't shut off. Sorry since I realize this is kind of a heavy topic, please don't feel pressured but if you have any resources or just advice from your own experience about how to cope with this for a while, I'd appreciate it a lot, please. I'm currently not a danger to myself or others because I do have family with me and they watch after me (check in on me, monitor my meds, etc.) but there is still that "divide" between me and them where they don't fully grasp what I'm going through and it just feels like hell inside of my own brain. Thank you.

first off im really sorry you went through something traumatic recently. you didnt deserve that or the after effects you got from it. i went through something traumatic earlier this year and it also made my symptoms worse, so youre not alone in that.

heres one resrouce, you can click on "what should i do if i experienced a traumatic event?"

as for dealing with intrusive thoughts, one thing i do is right after they happen i think to myself "obviously thats not what im thinking" or "clearly thats not my real conscious thoughts" as a way to dismess them as just intrusive thoughts and not anything to do with how i really feel. to discredit them and not give them any deeper meaning.

id also encourage you to talk more to your family and friends, to really open up and tell them the truth and how youre feeling and what youre thinking. most people want to know whats really going on with their loved ones. plus you never know what kind of advice and support they could offer until you open up. and maybe if talking isnt an easy way to show your emotions maybe do it through drawings or poetry, or even showing them a song or movie you relate to right now.

i wish you luck on getting the professional help you deserve. and if its possible, dont settle for someone you dont feel comfortable talking to or someone that isnt equipted to handle your problems. you wont offend a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist by changing to a different one, its their job to help you and if they cant its totatally normal and appropraite to switch to someone else, they dont take it personally.

[unidentifiedfuckingthing]

not trying to start anything but genuinely curious, what do you define as proana? maybe i have an older definition but what i have learned is that proana was short for pro anorexia acceptance, and was used by people who were anorexic mostly to label forums where one could talk abt their experiences and relate to others in the same place, this was usually very gatekept so people who wanted to cause problems or people who arent anorexic wouldn't get wrapped up in the community.

I've heard that its being used now by some to be more like in favor of and encouraging anorexia. but that also seems like term hijacking.

just looking for some clarity on your perspective.

also i found u by accidentally clicking on a rb while i was scrolling through the rbs for the post abt clit negligence in gynecology.

my experience with those kinds of spaces is that theres a very specific culture, at least here on tumblr, that beautifies the suffering central to building your entire lifestyle around trying to lose weight at any cost. you could call it a coping method but it makes it very difficult to avoid or to grow out of because that's admitting that you ARE the fat and ugly thing that you were dieting to avoid, and you DO have the cowardice and lack of will that allows everyone else to endure short term hardship for long term gain. obviously, all of this is untrue and gross thinking. so like, i do think it's different than your definition, just from my experience.

the other part though is that even if it was just productive discussion of how to deal with eating disorders, it's really impolite to put that in the notes of other people who can see it and who have the same capacity for a complicated relationship with eating. and its WAY worse when it isnt neutral discussion, and i see people with horrible degrading urls in my notes, with cw: gw: ugw: as the first line in their bios, and comments and tags in my activity feed on the posts that i reblog as my own reference in my own struggle that use my posts as a tool to reinforce their convictions about the weakness of eating regularly, or make degrading comments about eating or weight or gaining weight, that i also have to see, and know they feel that way about a body like mine. people DO talk about and vent about their eating disorders all the time in a way that isnt this inane dick measuring contest about who can endure the most suffering and gain the right to call everyone else a sick disgusting pig, and i have no problem with that, and i participate, but i havent really seen it from blogs whose entire presence is talking about eating disorders because i think that kind of self selects for people who allot wayyy too much of their life to it and so have all the problems youd expect from someone who is hardcore sunk cost fallacy-ing into making yourself miserable and physically incredibly unwell for a perceived payoff of being allowed to finally be One Of The Good Ones. ymmv

[strangerstilinski]

You may have received this message 3x because I typed it out the first time and RIP computer crashed then the second I clicked send and by God Tumblr crashed and so if it crashes a 3rd time you will never see this message but maybe you have it in your inbox like a bazillion times.

Basically the first part is yea I get small towns but a lot of the urban legend and crimes weren't talked about openly because a lot of churches in small towns Indiana. Also because people were superstitious as fuck and like there's a lot of Masons near my small town Indiana so you didn't want to say anything that could somehow be related to them...

Anyways more lore and infodump about Indiana because I already said some things and now my brain is itching to tell more: which also the majority of these was read in a book when I was a preteen about weird and creepy things in Indiana (and again this is the 3rd time trying to send this message so things aren't in the same order)

There's The Fox Hollow Farm murders about another SK like Eyler. I have seen podcasts do an ep on this but briefly listened and never finished.

Claypool murders. It was a hotel and in 1940s a woman got murdered never found the killer. Another woman got murdered in the 1950s, but they did find their murderer. Place may or may not have been haunted but it is torn down today. I've heard this one on a podcast somewhere idk where...

The ghost Diana at the Dunes. Dont ask me the lore because my family had more interesting urban legend. Because its common for people to go missing or fall into the dunes, well my dad told me the rumor he heard was that the dunes moved creating air pockets- but WHY did they move? And some people who "fell" into these air pockets said it felt like something grabbed them...there's something living in the dunes that causes the sand to shift.

There's 100 steps cemetery i think in southwest Indiana. There are so many different legends the one I remember is you have to count each step, or you'll die in so many days. But also you'll see a premonition of your death?

Vincennes is just a haunted town, everyone i know who isnt local who has gone there has seen or heard something especially on some of those bridges.

There's catacombs under Indy that may or may not be haunted.

Bigfoot. So many stories and legends about Bigfoot in the state park. Speaking of state parks, one is called Shades state park. I went one time because I had a goal to hit as many different state parks in Indiana...never again because there were ladders you had to climb. But it was called Shades of Death in like the 70s or 80s because of people going missing.

There's some small town that had a Wolfman. He like defected from a war or something and then got adopted by a pack of wolves and lost his humanity and became like them. I only remember reading this one because the townsfolk turned on him and locked him in the cave by blowing up the exits and left him to die and I thought that was horrific because I'm terrified of caves.

Which there is the Indiana caverns. Thats its own thing snd there are rumors im sure

One of the bigger cities near me has a lot where a murder took place and the house was insanely haunted. Like every person who lived there after saw things and went insane or got killed there. They tore the house down and rebuilt on that lot and it continued to happen. Now its just an empty lot.

Mermaids. Don't ask me how or why a landlocked state has mermaids in the few ponds and lakes it has. I say mermaids loosely because yeah there's the river creature sea serpent loch ness monster type of creature in one of the lakes but there is also the mermaids as the town called it that were a mix between actual mythology of Selkies and Sirens.

Also there's supposedly a turtle cryptid somewhere in Indiana and I just think that's funny compared to the rest

this was wild from start to finish 🤯 thank you endlessly for fighting tumblr by sending this in a third time, because this was the only version of this message that i received and i am soooo grateful (i was not joking when i said i wanted to search for creepy podcasts hehehehe)

also u easily saved the best for last bc a turtle cryptid???

[goodfully]

oh goodness, okay i just finished reading steppenwolf and i just have so many thoughts flying through my head...!!!

okay first of all, it was written in this sort of... endless prose, stream of consciousness way? so it was a bit difficult to read through. but!!! i do love books that feel like a very long train of thought, if that makes sense. it was a whole lot of stuff without pause, and i dont think the actual message of the book clicked until the very end of it (ofc i could also be misinterpreting! but this was just what i got out of it).

hghfjg anyway. it made all the sense the moment i got to the part where mozart was telling harry that what was required of him was "to live and to learn to laugh". if he hadnt said this twice on the same page, i might have not gotten it (i wish i was big brained). ahhghhh thats it!!!!! thats all!!!!!! oh god. learn to let go, learn to not take everything so seriously, learn to take it easy... oh my goodness, literally learn to live laugh love. "how can you say that youve raken any trouble to live when you wont even dance?" maybe its bc i know i tend to live more in my head than i do in real life, but i really appreciated the book.

ngl im a bit confused at whether everything we've read about harry and his self torment and torture and existential crises in the book was really just an illusion or a dream, just like the magic theatre was. like everything we know of harry and what we learned of him could just be something all in harrys head. i think thats what pablo meant by harry misusing the magic theatre and confounding it with reality. the magic theatre, like our mind or subconscious, is... just there. and letting it overwhelm and overshadow our reality... i think that was what harry realized at the very end of the book. that the source of all his pain and suffering was in him all along, not bc of his disconnection from society (and the very upsetting need to participate in that society in order to survive), and he accepts trying over and over to understand himself. most of the book was of how harry felt alienated from mainstream society. but the world could be rearranged in so many ways and so many times, and youll still be you. learn the limitations you put on yourself and... dont be afraid ig.

thats the other big thing from the book, like not to be afraid of yourself and the countless number of selves you have. ive yet to read more of hesse's works, but i think this theme of the multiplicity of the self or how we all have multiple souls is present in a lot of his books. harry was so focused on the two "souls" of his, that were violently against each other. the constant resisting and suppressing of the self isnt ever healthy, and at least i think this book was trying to get at saying to allow yourself to do what you want to do and not be afraid of intensity or of the extremes.

agrhr okay, actually as i read through the book, i was reminded so much of 18-20 year old me. they would have related a lot to harry i think.. haha... its a little frustrating, and honestly emotionally tiring, but i suppose its at least nice knowing ive somewhat grown in the more recent years. it might have just been bc of the circumstances at the time, but agh i lived and thought so much like harry and thought i really knew everything, that life was meaningless and loveless, that id always be doomed to be imprisoned in my flesh, forever empty and unbelonging anywhere as long as i was alive. its embarrassing thinking about it now, how angry i was at the world for how corrupt and unlivable it was and at myself for being too scared to die, despite how badly i wanted to kms. i thought i could never feel at home in reality, and hhh harry saying something about having "an intense longing sometimes to turn to and do something real for once, to be srsly and responsibly active instead of occupying myself forever with nothing but esthetics and intellectual and artistic pursuits." ahghhfh screams i am not harry haller!!!!! but my god, i was, and i was so insufferable.

oh this was very early on in the book but that one paragraph in the treatise about suicides??? "those souls that found the aim of life not in the perfecting and molding of the self, but in liberating themselves by going back to the mother, back to god, back to the all... for they see death and not life as the releaser. they are ready to cast themselves away in surrender and to be extinguished and to go back to the beginning." ahhhghh!!!!!! bashing my head into a wall, why would you say that!!!!!! hesse why are you in my brain hhh

this is pretty insignificant but with how much harry idolized mozart throughout the book, my love for classical music has been rekindled and im honestly having such a good time relistening to my favorite chopin ballades and ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!

alright i think ill end here... ive really enjoyed all the books by hesse that ive read so far (besides steppenwolf, just demian and siddhartha so far) and i really hope ill find a copy of narcissus and goldmund someday!!! honestly i think that anytime now i think "uhm well lol! maybe ill just go kms!" after a minor inconvenience, i will probably suddenly remember steppenwolf hahaha

[strifesolution]

No no keep talking- I’m specifically interested by the implications of martyn, having one of his friends go missing after tinkering with blood magic, ending up relying on something related, or at least spookily similar, down the line and well, dying. Do you think he hesitated when killing Ren, not only out of loyalty, but out of fear of history repeating?

context: this post

see, this is interesting because it depends on your idea of what happened at the end of blood and chaos (admittedly i'm not really following solutions in order, but i am aware it confirmed parvis as "not dead")

...but more in terms of how it effected the rest of the server. we know other characters knew about the blackrock nuke going off, so presumably the castle explosion was server wide news at some point. and what martyn's relationship with parvis post heros of mine's last episode. did he see parvis again after that?

personally i think he did- at first. but as the weeks went by, turned to months, he saw parvis less and less, even when he was looking for him. and when martyn did see him, he was different every time. bandaged hands, wild eyes. lost, but also on track for destruction. his emotions perhaps comparable to bloodlust.

in episode 26, when discussing who broke his ritual, we get this exchange.

Parvis: Has Martyn caught on... to...my plan to kill him? Is that it?" Strife: I'll add him to the list. With a question mark.

which does imply they've interacted after parv got into blood magic, enough for him to think martyn knows whats up.

and who could forget the magic police, martyn becomes an ars magica mage, of course he'd interact with them. he visits their base, sees the undesirable. sees the Parvis The Bloody statue, and everything clicks.

come to think of it, we never really get a reason to why martyn has a distaste for blood magic. it's all very "we just don't do that kind of magic here, evil magic" but taking into account that martyn's "voices" were going to try to get him to betray ren and wanted him to win the game...how long have these "onlookers" been a thing for martyn? has he had a deity of sorts watching over him for his whole lifetime, one that would make him distrustful of blood magic? that is woken up again when 3rd Life happens? maybe it was a thing before yogs complete that martyn got rid of, but still avoids doing anything of the "evil" sort (murder, blood magic, you get the idea) as to not summon it again...

okay, off topic there, but the idea here is martyn knew parvis was going into the deep end of blood magic, something he knew was a bad idea from past experiences, but couldnt get close enough to stop him. he then hears about what happened to parvis. vaguely. his death isnt confirmed, he never even gets to see where it happens. whispers from lomadia, strife's neighbor, to nano, her friend, to lalna, to xephos, to martyn, in passing.

(did you hear what happened with parvis and strife? the blood mage got too greedy, too mad with power, and blew them up trying to mix the magics. i heard he's not himself anymore. i heard the place is tainted, i heard it's just destroyed. i heard it was that altar, whispering darkness in his ear. i heard it was his own conscious, dooming him from the start. i heard alex parvis died with william strife's blood on his hands)

martyn moves on, of course.

he didnt survive this long tying himself down. he didn't get wrapped up in wars on tekkit, him and toby stuck to themselves, building temporary shelter. he only sees his aunt and uncle over the holidays, if he stays too long he'll be dragged down into staying forever. forever is terrifying for martyn littlewood. he has to keep moving, lest his mistakes catch up with him, and swallow him up.

so he moves on. tucks away parvis' name as a friend he lost. no more, no less. lost, but not dead. lost, but not found. simply not there anymore. it stings, because it didnt teach him anything. there was no lesson to loosing parvis. he already knew blood magic was bad. he warned him, and failed. it simply becomes a bitter reminder of what that kind of darkness can do to a person, and martyn swears it won't happen again. to someone he cares about, or himself.

3rd Life happens, and ren asks him to kill him on blackheart altar.

it's familiar, somehow. familiar, like a name you heard once from a friend of a friend.

you knew someone who lost themselves like this, once. two tied souls dying on an altar from each other's own doing.

it's only because it's ren. it's the only reason he goes through with it. he trusts ren. (did parvis trust strife? isnt that what lead to his downfall? he never wouldve learned without his teachings)

the voices return. his overlookers, the callings from behind his eyes that crave victory. they want to win. they want blood. you killed ren once, you can do it again.

martyn resists them.

he knows what happened to someone who lost their way, let their mind drift, and let the urge for power take over. here, he doesn't need to know what really happened to parvis. all he needs to know is that with every death on the server, he is one step closer to following in his footsteps. he will not let i heard martyn littlewood died with rendog's blood on his hands be the next phrase whispered throughout minecraftia.

[gayspock]

worked myself up so terribly. ive been thinking the most frightening and all too scary extraterrestuation (extraterrestial situation) would be if, like, we just didn't click... didnt mesh.... the stars did not align with us. and well if we politely just did not like each other. etc. etc. etc.... like you know what i mean. because you see, its always proposed, you know- the frightening potential wherein they'd HATE!!!! our pussy so bad. and sure, oh i do get a little nervous of that too. dont get me wrong. and i know lots of other people do too- you see its been done so many times in books and in movies and its even on the telly. always some bloke who writes a story like "llalalala and then the funny guys with lots of body parts sort of adjacent to ours but green shot us in the fucking heads until we explodied" and when the blokes writes the story, he grins to himself and i think he writes a love heart above the i in apocalypse (he puts one in so he can do that) because he loves this little story of his when he imagines all the scary guys from outer space coming down to shoot us with guns and blood and slime. and like i think its a bit scary too like i said but im just ... i dont know... uhm well isnt this all embarassing to bare yourself like this, but also to bare yourself in a way where its like "oh fucking hell, we get it youre a relatable tumblr user" but sniff sniff dont you think it would just be a little worse off if they didnt even want to blow heads up goo style and they didnt even not DISlike us but maybe oh- oh gosh we make first contact remotely and we're all soooo excited but then we go through a whole palaver to get to one another and its like gassed up and there's like a big welcome party with balloons and confetti maybe at pizza hut so we get to use the ice cream machines there but then we all finally sit down and uhm... its just dead you know.... its just dead air between us. like a tinder date. like they dont even have a substantial reason to not really gel with us they just sort of get the ick and its one of those things you know where we dont all fall in love with everyone we meet and its a bittersweet fact that is, you know, that you dont truly purse your lips at until the taste is in your mouth and you have to really fucking demolish the coke zero you ordered to swish it out like all of this anticipation and for what and your alien bestie is just sort of fidgeting all uncomfortable like, kinda shredding the napkins and you dont even think you want to ask if theres a second date because youre not sure you want one either, that fleeting feeling of "ah, well theyre not it for me, babe" except it isnt even fleeting its sustained because unlike the words of comfort you can try to tide yourself over with, this truly might just be not just a once in a life time sort of chance but a once in a many lifetimes sort of venture and its sooooo awkward because its like its not like you guys can really even try or force it you know and its not like they did anything or you did anything like none of us went into here with sour intentions and the only mistake was the hopefulness we had but its like oh christ. oh fucking hell. they just dont really fancy spending the time with us i think im shaking...

[bunbun206]

more mlp au ideas bc im thinking of them:

so sunburst moves to ponyville and hes staying in twilight's castle. hes a little disoriented at first, but he gets to spend more time with twilight and starlight so that's nice. starlight especially is REALLY happy to have him there bc shes just obsessed with him lmao. anyway, its all fun and games, but sunburst is there for a reason and that is to learn about friendship.

hes REALLY shy and socially anxious, so initially he kinda avoids Actually doing the lessons? mostly he just hangs around with starlight or even twilight herself, until twi kinda calls him out on it and is like "hey shouldnt we get started on your lessons?"

he kinda tries to use the excuse that hanging out with those hes already friends with counts as him learning abt friendship but twilight retorts by going "nice fucking try but you still need to get out of your comfort zone." so he has no choice.

SO here are some things i think sunburst could do while hes twis student!

-for starters, having twilight acknowledge his insecurities and show him support would be really cute. i think having a conversation between them where he confesses how self conscious he feels and twilight kindly reassures him would be neat. those little moments of support are the sweetest to me.

-sunburst actually starts hanging out with both trixie and maud individually! i think those could be some of the first friendships he forms, since theyre already fond of each other. specifically, i can imagine a moment where sunburst and trixie have a convo abt feeling kinda selfconscious about not being all that magically skilled. like PRETEND this is an episode: sunburst lives with twilight and starlight, two of the most magically skilled individuals out there. that has to make him feel a little strange, right? it probably makes him feel a little jealous. so imagine a moment where he sees them both practicing magic and it makes him feel kinda shitty, maybe he even snaps at them out of bitterness and then he leaves and runs into trixie. wanting to forget what happened, he spends the day with her and they just go around being dorks. eventually it comes up in conversation what happened and trixie's like "yea i get it, i also feel kinda shitty about that." i think it would be a good way for sunburst to explore his feelings on magic and bond with someone over that. its about relating to others <3 ofc he'd eventually apologize to twi and star for being rude to them, but to get to that point he'd need to spend time with trixie first to feel better about himself.

-UM him and fluttershy. i have no idea how a meeting between them would go but i think having them interact would be really fun since theyre both introverted and again, having someone he can relate to would probably mean a lot to him since a big part of his issue is that he feels like he doesnt have much in common with others. i can see those two specifically bonding over their anxieties and liking each other bc they help each other feel calm. and i think it would be cool of fluttershy to help sunburst through some social anxiety he has to show how much shes grown from her own history with that! imagine an episode of sunburst feeling anxious abt something and flutters being the one to help him out of his shell.

-ok. here me out. stygian and him. kinda like trixie, stygian is another unicorn whos not all that magically capable, but unlike her he was more similar to sunburst in the sense that his longing for it was stronger. and i think it would be cool to revisit him since he legit just disappeared! maybe hes visiting twilight for some reason and then he meets sunburst and they click. pretending this is the actual show, i imagine an episode with those two would revolve mostly around learning about stygian himself and sunburst showing him that he isnt judgemental and instead relates to him. sunburst being the one to extend his friendship to someone else would be such a huge step.

-MOONDANCER!!! so lets imagine twilight is going to canterlot for some reason and sunburst joins her. twilight encourages him to go out and try and interact with others and so hes all alone and its kinda intimidating. but he eventually goes to the library and stumbles into moondancer, they have a small conversation over something nerdy or whatever and they IMMEDIATELY click. anyway, i think sunburst bonding with someone who was once as lonely as he was would be really cool and those two would just have great chemistry. and maybe seeing how moondancer managed to overcome her own social issues encourages him even more.

-DISCORD BABEY!! this is based on nothing other than me thinking that they would have a fun dynamic, but i do see it working out in terms of sunburst's "arc" or whatever. since we've already established that he befriends fluttershy, he would OF COURSE have to meet discord. i can see sunburst being very curious by discord's magic and discord would of course just LOVE the attention. they start to spend more time together, and maybe theres some conflict eventually because theyre both VERY different but they work it out. other than me thinking the idea of the nerdy wizard befriending a chaotic entity is kinda cool, i also think this would serve the purpose of teaching sunburst that he doesnt need to have much in common with others to befriend them, even if thats really nice. sometimes your bestie can be a chaos noodle and thats fine!

-him and starlight go on a lot of silly little adventures because now they get to spend more time together. i was always sad sunburst and starlight didnt get to hang out as much as trixie and starlight did, so lets fix that!! they go do stuff, and they have arguments and theyre BESTIES. and bc we've already established him and trixie are also friends lets just make them a whole fucking friend group!! i always wanted an episode that was just those three goofing around and was so sad we didnt get one.

also i think it would be cool if we kinda go back to The Old Ways and we bring back Sunburst reporting to Twilight whatever lesson he learned that day. Both because I miss when Twilight would do that, but also because I think its a neat little way to show shes slowly becoming more and more like Celestia in terms of her role, which is important because she will literally take over equestria in the future.

Awww these are all such good ideas! You should definitely write something based on these ideas!

[shortprince-cos]

The Woes Of An Emo

Summary: Tune in this week for Virgil thinking this is all a coincidence! And some Logicality pining. As a treat.

Warnings: Swearing, not having much money(?). I think thats about it? Tell me if I need to add anything else!

{Masterlist} {Previous}

Thanks to @irritating-lady-knight for beta reading this for me!!!

Chapter 5: Maybe This Is Fine?

~~~~~

Princey's date was called off?! How?! Who on earth wouldn't like him?! Virgil was furious, who the f**k says that they don't like someone until after they accept the date?!

...wait.

Virgil was such a hypocrite.

onthevirgeofananxietyattack: what?! What happened?! Who do i need to murder

princeofyourdreams: no one, im fine. he was just too nervous to say anything

Virgil wished he didn't relate so much to mystery guy, then maybe he would want to punch him.

onthevirgeofananxietyattack: well, are u ok?

princeofyourdreams: of course i am! I can conquer any challenge! Dont worry about me!

onthevirgeofananxietyattack: are u sure?

princeofyourdreams: seriously, anxiety, im ok. One disinterested boy isnt going to ruin me.

onthevirgeofananxietyattack: ok, good. Hes obviously not good enough for you anyway

princeofyourdreams: shut up haha

Well, Princey seemed to be doing ok. And maybe Virgil was a tad more excited then he should be, but can you blame him? He's had a crush on Princey for a year, and he might actually have a chance now!

Well, as much of a chance you could have when you've never even seen each other.

Now all Virgil had to do was go on this not-a-date date and live. Yay.

---

"Ok, now if you run out of money, ask him to pay for you."

"Dad!" Virgil scolded. "I'm not going to leech off my friends!"

Remy just chuckled. "C'mon Virge, live a little! It's not everyday you actually step outside. With a couple of boys no less."

Virgil turned red. "It's a friend date, Dad." He grumbled.

Remy turned to where Virgil was in the passenger seat and tilted down his shades to look him in the eyes. "Sure it is."

Virgil grumbled something as Remy pulled the car in front of the mall. "Here's your stop, babe."

Virgil rolled his eyes as his mouth betrayed him by smiling. "Whatever, I'll see you later."

"Love you." Remy added while Virgil stepped out of the car.

"Love you too, Dad."

Virgil eventually made his way over to the food court, where everyone was meeting.

Virgil was also questioning why he suggested this hang-out anyway. It was going to be so awkward! How was he going to have a good time with the guy he rejected, a nerd who could probably kill him, and a "friend" he only started talking to two days ago?

Why did he do this?

"Viiiiiirrrrrrrgiiiiiiiiiilllllllll!!!!!" Patton was suddenly running towards where Virgil was standing in the food court.

"Uh- wait-" Virgil got trapped in a bear hug (how? Patton is so small!) as soon as Patton reached him.

"Patton, try not to kill the poor fellow." Roman chuckled as he walked up to the trap that Virgil was caught in.

Patton eventually let Virgil breathe as he let go. "Sorry! I just got excited! I don't normally go many places!" He exclaimed.

"Well, we'll have to take you to more places then, Patton." Logan smirked as he approached the small group.

Roman chuckled again as Patton blushed and silently thanked him. "Well then!" Roman announced. "Where shall we go first?"

"Hot To-"

"No, Pumpkin King, we're not going to Hot Topic." Roman immediately interrupted.

"Then why did I even come?" Virgil whined playfully.

"C'mon, Roman! Hot Topic does have some really good Disney stuff~" Patton pushed in a teasing tone.

Roman let out a long, exaggerated groan. "Fiiiiiinnnnnneeeee. We can go."

"Yes!"

"Yay!"

"Satisfactory."

"Wow. Y'all are a bunch of nerds." Said Roman.

"Says the guy who cried when they changed Mickey Mouse's art style." Logan shot back.

"ListEN IT LOOKS LIKE ABSOLUTE CRAP AND ISN'T TRUE TO THE ORIGINAL!"

"Roman, please, I don't want to spend twenty minutes talking about-"

Roman quickly pulled out his phone and displayed two Mickey Mouse pictures with different art styles. "Look, Logan. Look at how they massacred my boy."

---

And after that debate, they made their way to the dark and ridiculously edgy Hot Topic, unfortunately located next to the very bright and pink Justice store.

"I must go, my people need me." Virgil joked as he walked through the doorway.

"Of course this is where your people are, where else could you find the emos?" Roman rolled his eyes playfully.

"Oh, do you know people here, Virgil?" Logan asked innocently, clearly not understanding the joke.

"No- it's- it's a meme."

"Don't even try, Angstintator, no one could ever teach Logan the way of memes." Roman announced, slowly drifting towards the Disney section.

"Well, they are nonsensical. They make zero sense most of the time!" Logan defended.

Patton suddenly gasped like a little kid in a candy store. "Vi, Ro, Lo, look!!!!!!"

They all looked to where Patton was pointing, and saw it.

They holy grail of cute things. Something that could almost (almost) rival Patton himself.

A Pusheen plush that was holding a cookie. It was beautiful (to Patton at least).

Patton squealed and grabbed the closest person (which happened to be Logan) and held his hand while dragging him towards the plush in excitement.

Logan immediately flushed and trailed after Patton helplessly.

Roman chuckled at that and returned to looking at the Disney merchandise, while Virgil made his way over to the band t-shirts.

"Look!!! Look at it!!!! It's so cuuuutttteeee!!!!!!" Patton fawned. He checked the tag for the price and immediately frowned. "Shoot..." He mumbled under his breath.

"What's wrong?" Logan asked, then checked the price. $39.98. Not too expensive, but expensive enough to be a pain.

"Ah. Not bring enough money?" Patton slowly nodded at the question, looking...guilty? Or maybe disappointed? Logan didn't really know, only that it was making Patton upset.

Logan frowned at that. Someone as bright and kind as Patton shouldn't be unhappy! Patton deserved to be happy at least 100% of the time, Logan thought.

"Logan!!! Come here!!! Look at this!" Roman called from behind a shelf somewhere, knocking Logan out of his thoughts.

"Uh- excuse me for a second Patton." Patton nodded with a small (was it sad, too?) smile as Logan went to find Roman.

Roman was located behind a shelf filled with more Disney merchandise. "What, Roman? I was kind of busy." He asked, clearly annoyed.

"Yeah, busy failing at wooing him." Roman rolled his eyes and scoffed. "Seriously Logan, how could you be so dense?"

"Do you want me to provide a list of examples and events that you were being 'dense' at?"

Roman simply groaned. "C'mon Logan, think for a second! Patton doesn't have enough money for the plush that makes him smile. A smile which you love seeing. Therefore, what do you do with that fat wallet of yours?"

It suddenly clicked in Logan's head. "Oh. Oh! Do you think he'll be happy about it?"

"Of course he will! He'll adore you!" Roman pushed Logan out from behind the shelf. "Now go gettem!"

Meanwhile, Patton was talking with Virgil.

"Hey, Virge! Did you find anything?"

All Virgil had to do to answer the question was look at Patton with the pile of shirts in his arms.

"Uh. Yeah." Virgil replied, thinking of how embarrassing this was.

Patton giggled a bit. "Do you need help carrying that?"

"Please." Virgil sighed.

Patton took some of the shirts and other clothing items (were those fishnets?!) out of Virgil's hands.

"So, are you doing ok?" Patton asked.

"O-oh. Yeah, I'm ok. I'm just worried about...if Roman is. Like, what if he's mad at me? I bet thats what he and Logan are talking about right now-"

"Slow down, Virgil." Patton interrupted. "I'm sure they aren't, and I really doubt that Roman's mad at you. If he was mad, he seems like the type to show it."

"That's...probably right." Virgil mumbled.

"Just calm down a bit, and have some fun! You are having fun, aren't you?"

Virgil smiled lightly. "Yeah. I am."

Patton smiled too. "Then let's go have more fun!"

And with that, Patton grabbed Virgil's hand and dragged him to the next shelf, looking through more cute things.

~~~~~

{Next}

Dear all of the people who thought Virgil would figure it out this chapter,

HA! Y'all thought WRONG! Virgil and Roman share the same brain cell, but neither of them use it!

Taglist in reblog

Reblogs are appreciated!💖

[spookypotato]

Hey! It's the 20th of January! Perfect time for me to finally post my secret santa fic I might have forgotten about right? Absolutely. So here it goes :)

This was and is still for megss (@charginger)

I also wrote her a poem and I thought I would include it :)

Your Secret Santa, it is I,

so okay, I would really lie,

if I were to tell you I would have guessed,

that you would be a bit more impressed.

Anyway this is the big reveal,

the time for my identity to unseal,

Hey, I'm Veronika, I hope you like what I made,

may it help the christmas cheer to not fade!

I had two assistants, I shall not forget,

@ninak803 and @marauderss-hp only because of them it's finally set.

there might be mistakes, at least so I worry,

my english isnt perfect, I am sorry.

Merry Christmas! you wonderful snowflake,

now read to find out what Sirius might bake!

cw: food

Hope's favourite cookies

"Hurry, Remus.", Sirius was running around in the kitchen, trying to find ingredients for their christmas cookies.

"I am, I am, although I dont think this is exacly an important task, right now."

"Remus, mon loup", he stilled for a short moment and placed a kiss on Remus' nose, "This will be my first christmas with your family. It needs to be perfect. They need to like me.", he stated, like it was obvious and began looking over the recipe, mumbling to himself.

"I'm pretty sure, you're like their favourite non-related person in the world-", realizing Sirius wasn't even listening and carefully pouring the exact amount of flour in the bowl they needed, Remus trailed off.

Walking over to his - way to stressed for this occasion - boyfriend and wrapping his arms around Sirius' waist, he told him, looking over his shoulder at the dough he'd made so far, "Baby. Please relax, alright? They already love you and it will be perfect."

When Sirius turned around in his arms Remus could see the doubt and stress on his boyfriend's face as two lines formed on his forehead. Going up to his toes, he kissed them away, like he had wanted to do for years. "Besides", Remus grabbed a bit of the dough and put it into his mouth, "not serving my mom's favourite cookies is definitely not on the bad-boyfriend-list."

Sirius finally looked a bit more relaxed. Then he suddenly narrowed his eyes at Remus, "There isn't actually a list, right?"

"'course there is", Remus answered and watched the fear as it seeped into the face in front of him. "I'm kidding, baby.", he gasped out after he couldnt hold his laughter back any longer, "Don't worry, okay? They love you and nothing will change that. Now put this dough in the fridge, there are more important things to do!"

~

They parked in front of the Dumais' house. Remus looked at the time displayed in Sirius car. "We're late. May be because of your obsessive need to achieve perfection, but at least we're finally done with everything right?", Remus leaned over and gave his boyfriend a kiss on the cheek.

Sirius smiled sheepishly, "Yeah, sorry. I'm just nervous, you know?"

"I promise you, the evening with our familys will be perfect. Now stop worrying, we're late.", with that Remus got out of the car leaving his boyfriend to shake out of his daze and follow.

Their arms piled with presents, they made their way to the front door, Remus using his foot to ring the doorbell, as if it was an everyday task.

The door opened with a "Bonjour!". Sirius could'nt see the other man, but recognized Pascal's voice behind the big present he was holding.

"Hey Dumo. How are you?", he heard Remus say as they walked into the living room, toeing of their shoes to not get the clean floors dirty.

"Good. Finally relaxed now that the presents are all done.", he added the last part as he moved closer to the couple, almost whispering.

It was that moment they all heard loud footsteps on the ceiling. Children running around to the direction of the staircase.

"Shit. Um-", Sirius almost threw the present into Dumos' arms, the gears in his head visibly clicking into place to find a solution for their poor time management, "Okay, Remus! Can you get the rest? I'll distract the kids."

Remus looked amused as he saw Sirius determination to not ruin the children's christmas with the shocking discovery that santa was in fact just their parents.

So he obediently got all the presents from the trunk of Sirius' car and brought them into the basement, so Pascal and Celeste could place them underneath the tree in the night.

Sirius having chased Marc up the stairs, could be heard as he probably tickled him mercilessly, if the shrieks and laughs from both boys were anything to go off of.

As his boyfriends was probably just waiting for some kind of sign from Remus, that he had stored the boxes away, he went up the stairs aswell, just catching Marc running off to his room, having escaped Sirius grasp. Sirius made a move to follow him, but stopped as he saw Remus.

"All set up?", he asked, putting his arms around Remus waist.

"Yes. Stored securely away from curious children's eyes. They probably know about Santa already, you know?", he leaned against his boyfriends chest.

Putting his chin on top of Remus head he replied, "Yeah, I know. I just don't want to risk it. I dont want to ruin their view of christmas."

"What about Santa?", came a small voice from their right. They hadn't noticed Katie's door opening. "Did you hear something from him?"

She looked a bit tired, but somehow also full of excitement for the evening and probably even more for tomorrow morning.

"Non, mon petit chat. But, usually that's a good sign.", he let go of Remus to lean down to her, "It just means that he's busy making and flying out presents. And that nothing went wrong, so let's hope we only hear from him tomorrow morning, eh?"

"Oh. Yeah, then I hope so too.", there was a short pause, but then the seven-year-old's energy came back. "Ooh, Sirius! Can you help me choose a dress for dinner?" She was jumping with excitement and how could anyone say no to that face.

He kissed Remus and smiled at him, before following Katie into her room.

"So, I have a green one, a pink one and a blue one. Which one should I wear?"

Sirius knowing she would look adorable in all of them actually couldn't decide. Her whole evening could depend on this choice. Okay, maybe he was being dramatic, but he wanted to choose a good one. Then he noticed her glancing over to the green one, again and again. So he told her that, he liked that one the best and was rewarded with a wide smile.

Kissing her head with a "See you downstairs in a bit.", he left her room to join the others in the kitchen.

Just as he wanted to enter, the door bell rang.

He went over, hearing Remus and Pascal trail behind him and opened the door.

"Merry Christmas Eve!", Hope said cheerfully and hugged Remus.

"Hi, mum. I missed you."

"You forgot about us, Re'?", he just saw Julian run up to them, from where he had still been at the car, jumping up to his brother.

Remus lifted him with ease, "Wait, who are you again?". At the shocked expression of his brother he cracked up, laughing and getting them both inside.

"Pascal.", he Lyall greeted, "Thank you so much for hosting us all this Christmas."

"We're happy to have you! You're Sirius' family, so you're mine! Now, come inside. It's way too cold out here and dinner is almost done."

They all went into the kitchen. The food smelled amazing, so it was pretty hard not to be drawn to Celeste's current working space. Even though she was clearly a bit stressed, she chipped into the conversation every once in a while.

Sirius looked around from where he was leaning against the counter, standing next to Remus, "So when will Reg be making an appearance? I didn't think he'd go out on Christmas Eve."

"Oh. He's not. He in the basement-"

Dumo was cut of by Sirius, who was now leaving the room with quick steps in the direction of the stairs, shouting, "In the- That little shit. It's Christmas, Reg!"

~

Finally everyone was sitting at the beautifully set table. There were candles and carefully set up evergreen twigs, next to the delicious Christmas feast (it could not be described as a dinner). From were the table was positioned, everyone also had a wonderful view of their Christmas tree. Decorated with red and gold ornaments and an angel on the very top.

As soon as they had all sat down to eat, the stress Sirius had piled onto himself was somehow gone. He held up easy conversations with everyone, even one on one with Lyall. He seemed like he'd known them for years. They talked about hockey and the ride here and Remus really enjoyed watching his boyfriend bond with his family.

Until his mum joined in again, having had a separate conversation with Pascal about their kids.

"You know, I have video of Remus and Julian on christmas, when we bought them each their first hockey equipment."

Remus knew exacly how that had gone so he was determined to not show any reaction and just move on to the next topic. Sirius however had exacly the opposite planned and he never despised his boyfriend more then in that moment.

"Hope. Please. With all that holy to me, I beg you to show me that video someday."

Okay, that could go alright. Someday. Maybe Sirius would have forgotten until someday.

~

Once they were all finished eating and the kids were already starting to go to bed, they thanked Dumo and Celeste again, not only for the beautiful atmosphere, but also for the amazing food that left them all more than full up to the point, they couldn't even eat Celeste's christmas cookies anymore. Of course they got a to-go package full of every flavour that she had made that year.

Afterwards they all left for Sirius' house.

"Please can I drive with you? Pleeeaaase?", Julian begged Remus, standing in front of Sirius' car.

"'course, Jules-", Remus barely finished before his brother said, "Thanks. Alright, shotgun!"

And that's how Remus got to watch his boyfriend and little brother from the backseat, while they were discussing what Jules might get for Christmas.

It was a rather short ride to their house, filled with a long string of "I won't tell you." 's and "Pleeeaaaase." 's, but when they arrived Julian jumped out of the car like it was on fire.

"Easy there. You won't get any gifts from us until mum and dad are here."

~

Now they were all settled onto Sirius' massive couch and Julian was jumping up and down, probably breaking the springs any moment.

"Alright, seeing as Jules is ready to burst from excitement we'll start with our gifts."

Sirius left to get the big red one they had hidden in their bedroom.

Meanwhile, Hope was leaning over and noting smugly, "our gift, huh? You two bought your gifts together?"

Remus looked at her a bit sheepishly. They had been dating for over a year now, it didn't feel wrong to give out gifts together.

His mum saw his worried face and simply said, "No, don't worry. It's sweet."

Just as Remus wanted to reply his boyfriend came back into the room with Julian's gift, placing it on the floor in front of him. It was nearly as tall as Julian himself.

He picked it up and shook it. He could hear something moving inside, but that didn't help him determine what it could be.

Remus tore his eyes away from his brother's excited face, to look at his equally excited boyfriend. He was on the tips of his toes until he broke, "Come on, Jules! I'm dying here. Just rip it open!"

Remus had to laugh at Sirius impatience and enthusiasm, but he also wanted to see his brother's reaction.

"No!", was the first thing they heard and it was Lyall's voice. Apparently he had already seen part of the gift.

Julian ripped the wrapping away completely and tore the box open, revealing a lions hockey stick and a jersey, both with his number and name printed on it.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love them!", running over to his brother and Sirius and hugged them both, almost making them fall over from his force. "My team is going fo freak out!"

"I'm glad you like them."

Sirius visibly relaxed, "Can't be a real Lion, if you don't have the proper gear."

"Well, now I can! Okay, okay. I have something for you, too."

Sirius and Remus sat down and waited for Julian to get Remus' gift from where they had left them in front of the door.

"Here. For when you miss us."

Remus carefully ripped the wrapping paper away to reveal a snow globe. He turned it around a saw landmarks from his home state. It was incredible.

Remus eyes became teary. "I love it. But hopefully you'll never be gone long enough for me to miss. Oh, come here."

Jules came over and hugged him, but then the younger jumped up and ran out the door again.

He came back with another gift. He walked over to Sirius. "For you.", Julian held out he gift.

"Jules! There was no need to-"

"Its nothing, really. It's just something small. You might not like it, but I made it and I wanted to give it to you.", Julian looked a bit embarrassed, now.

Sirius removed the wrapping from the rectangular object to reveal-

"It's a picture of my family.", Julian told him.

Sirius looked at the framed photo. It was after a game. The Lupins had come down to the lockerroom. It was Lyall with his arm around Hope. Julian in front of them, flashing his brightest smile. Remus standing next to them. And to his right Sirius. Holding Remus close, a hand on Julian's shoulder, smiling. Now it was Sirius' time for tears.

"Jules, Julian. This is the sweetest gift I've ever received, thank you." Sirius couldn't really put into words how much this meant to him. To not only be accepted, but welcomed into this new family.

"Oh, come on. I- I need a group hug, please."

They all piled onto Hope like they were on the ice. Sirius being the first, hugged her the tightest, not wanting to let go. He could feel all of Julian pressed to his side and Remus as he kissed his temple. He even felt Lyall's hand from the other side on his shoulder blade, pressing the group together.

Apparently, he really didn't need any cookie bribes, it seemed like he was fine just the way he was.

mon petit chat- my little cat

[uncloseted]

i related to effy an unhealthy amount when i was only 13 when i first watched it, but at the time i wasnt doing drugs, homewrecking, doing anything that young lol. however i was extremely mentally ill but undiagnosed, and so confused but i found solace in effys character because of how similar i felt to her. flashforward to being 20 now and im a nic addict/borderline drug and alcohol addict that forgets to take my prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics. i cant tell you how many events of effys life have mirrored mine now 7 years later, both the pretty but mostly the ugly. it all feels like a joke to me, and the thing is of course it wasnt effy the fictional character that did this to me, it was the fact that i was genetically and epically set up to do this to me for as long as i existed and i saw myself in her too young. everyone ive ever met and started to befriend has fallen in love with me, has found me beautiful, and then seen my flaws and hated me even if they didnt tell me to my face. ive been a horrible friend and partner and im flighty and unreliable and destructive. i never saw effy, or a person like effy, find a happy ending and im afraid even when im at my manic highs i will never find a lasting happiness and will always accidentally self sabotage until i die. what im trying to ask is, how can i save me? i know its dumb to ask a random tumblr user but ive been following this blog since i was 13-14 and since you know effy through and through, you might know a little about me. its a long shot. (i’d also like to say this isnt a cry for help and im safe/not actively suicidal so i dont want you to feel like theres any pressure like that, but i did use this ask box as a free therapy session.)

I'm a bit biased, but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a random Tumblr user at all. I'm happy to be a free therapy session when you need one, and I'm really touched that you've trusted me with your thoughts and feelings for so long. Hopefully I've been some help over the years 😆

Coping with mental illness can be really, really hard, but the good news is that with the right tools and support system, you can absolutely recover. It sounds like you already have a psychiatrist in your life, which is a great start. If you've having trouble remembering to take your medication, it might help to set calendar reminders on your phone, set up text prompts to remind you to take your pills, to link taking your pills with something else you do every day (like brushing your teeth or eating breakfast), or to reward yourself for taking your medication (for example, putting a piece of candy in your pill box that you can eat after taking your pill).

If you don't have one already, a therapist might also be a good idea. It can take a while to find the right therapist for you, so schedule a few appointments and see which therapist you "click" with. A therapist can help you work through any reluctance you might have towards taking you medications, as well as helping you come up with day to day strategies that help you achieve your goals and helping you work through the beliefs that you hold about yourself and the world that may be holding you back.

Moving on to talking about addiction for a bit. I strongly believe that addiction doesn't come from some type of inherent lack of willpower or moral failing, or even really the drug itself. It's the need to escape reality. And that's actually supported by scientific literature; most famously, the Rat Park experiment by Bruce K Alexander. Practically, we've seen that same thing in the aftermath of Portugal's decision to decriminalize all drugs. They took the money they were using to keep drug users in prison, and instead invested that money into reconnecting people who struggle with addiction to society. Their goal was to make sure that every person who struggles with addiction has a reason to get up in the morning and has a support system within the wider society. And it actually worked- injection drug use is down 50%, overdoses and HIV infections have massively decreased, and rates of addiction decreased as well. It's much easier to quit when you have something motivating you to keep going.

Why am I telling you all of this? I guess what I'm trying to get at is in order to recover from addiction, I think first people need to understand what the reality is that they're trying to escape. What can be done about those issues? Who's in your corner trying to support you, even if they're not doing the best job at it? Where else can you get the social support you might need? What are you passionate about? What would make it feel worth it to get up in the morning? I think instead of focusing on the drugs, or the alcohol, or the cigarettes, maybe we should focus on solving the root problems that make those attractive options. That's one of the reasons a therapist is a really good idea; they can help you figure out what those root problems are, and provide resources and tools to help you fix those problems.

In terms of practical, do it yourself advice for dealing with addiction, there are a couple things you might try. I did a whole post on evidence-based ways to set goals and follow through on them here, so I won't rehash it in this post, but basically:

Try to set goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound. For you, this might be something like "My goal is to have only one drink a day (measurable and achievable) for week (time bound) so that I can be more reliable for my friends (relevant)".

Instead of trying to quit something, replace it with something else. For example, "when I feel like smoking, I'm going to do ten minutes of learning Korean instead". Learning something new is easier and more exciting, and so new habits are easier to maintain that breaking old ones. Find a new hobby that you've always wanted to do or that's exciting to you, and try to focus your energies on that to distract yourself.

Identify any obstacles (such as environmental triggers) that you might run into, and develop contingency plans for working around them. This might be something like, "when I drink coffee in the morning, I want to smoke, so I'm going to switch to tea instead." If you can, get rid of all environmental triggers that might remind you of your addiction or trigger a craving.

Get someone else involved. Tell a friend about your goal and have them check up on you. Your fear of disappointing them will help you stay on track.

Put money on the line. Give money to a friend with the understanding that you'll get it back at a set date if you've achieved the goal you set. Tell your friend that if you fail, they should donate the money to a group or cause you really hate.

Write down the reasons you want to quit, and put them somewhere you know you'll see them. Whenever you want to engage in an addiction behavior, read through that list first.

For bonus points, add to that list your contingency plan for when you want to engage in an addiction behavior. These may include ways to redirect your attention or distract yourself until the craving passes.

76% of people who wrote down their goals, actions and provided weekly progress to a friend successfully achieved their goals.

You might also try an addiction recovery app, such as these, or doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worksheets on your own if you can't access a therapist right now.

There are also some things you can try in order to improve your mood. As much as I hate that this is true, consistent exercise has a huge impact on mood. If you can, try taking a 20 minute walk outside, 3 times a week. Other (boring) things, like making sure you're getting 7-9 hours of sleep a night and eating regularly, can also make a big difference in mood. Some of you might know that I'm a little bit obsessed with the free Coursera class "The Science of Well-Being". It has a lot of great evidence-based tips and tricks for how to build happiness, and I highly recommend it if you're trying to live a happier life. These include things like journaling, meditating, noting things that you're grateful for, helping other people, and having regular social interactions.

Finally, a few philosophical thoughts. One of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism is dukkha. Basically, this is the idea that suffering is an innate characteristic of existence in our world. When I was younger, I never liked this concept, but I think now I kind of get it. It's impossible to be happy 100% of the time, and that shouldn't be our goal. Suffering is the comparison by which our lives gain meaning. But we can do our best to minimize our suffering and the suffering of others, and ride the wave of suffering when it does come. And each time we ride that wave, we can learn techniques to manage it a little bit better, and to make it easier the next time. We will sometimes sabotage ourselves out of fear, but we can learn how to do it less frequently and for the consequences to be less dire. We can learn how to forgive ourselves for our flaws and what we've done in the past, and learn from those mistakes so we don't do them again in the future. It's also okay to backslide, to struggle even after you've made progress. You're never back where you started, because you've always learned more and experienced more.

I know I've thrown kind of a lot at you in this post, and I don't expect you to try all of it or for all of it to work, but hopefully something in there is helpful to you. You can get through this. You can save yourself, but please, also remember to let others help save you. You don't need to do this on your own. And just like I have been since you were 13, I'm always here to give a free therapy session and to lend my support ❤️❤️❤️

[herbal-apparatus]

OK im gonna expand on that last text post now that my computer is up and running lets GOOOOO

first of all fuckign point one. so the hand in game is usually open when not being used, and when you click/use the hand, it closes. neat! but also, did you know that there’s a (potentially) unused sprite where the hand is pointing?

(pictured: AssetStudioGUI is open with a list of textures off to the left. On the right is a picture of a hand pointing with the pointer finger and thumb out)

now i say potentially unused because i simply don’t recall it BEING used. though i could see it being used for either the jukebox, elevator buttons or button game and i simply just don’t remember it (lemme know if im wrong on this!). there’s also a gloved version:

(pictured: the same pose of hand but with the falconer’s glove on it)

now, slightly associated with that, there’s another sprite of the hand i don’t remember seeing in game: one where there is a Hummingbird in its palm.

(pictured: ASGUI again with the same list, but now the picture is of the gloved hand gently holding what looks to be a hummingbird)

i would think that this may be something related to borbra hence the glove and bird, perhaps a tutorial or previous quest related thing for her. or maybe it IS used and i just havent seen it! who knows. if youve seen it please lmk i want to know about the bird Q_Q (also to note: the bird has its own texture which i mean, i could post that too, but this already has a few pictures and i wanna go over other things too, so to save length im gonna skip it)

going onto more unrelated stuff, something that makes sense but is still interesting is the internal names for the slideshow room on the terrace. the slideshow room is referred to as CursedRoom, identifiable by its outside UV texture:

(pictured: ASGUI with a new list. The selected texture is called UV-CursedRoomOutside, and the texture shows, assumingly, the outside of a simple room. On one of the sections of the texture, the shadow habit with multiple eyes and triangles is seen, which in game is shown on the back of the outside of the slideshow room. This identifies that CursedRoom is, in fact, the slideshow room.)

which, the name makes sense honestly. related, those listings of “trauma00″ through “trauma07″ are the pictures inside the slideshow:

(pictured: ASGUI, same list as the previous picture. “trauma01″ is selected, showing the picture of boris as a child, happy and holding his potted lily.)

so, in case anyone DIDNT think it was traumatic, the files sure seem to assert that that whole situation was. (ive heard that in the past people debated on stuff like that...??? i dunno, and i sure HOPE not, but. i’d think it was pretty obvious that this was a Very Bad Event that could Definitely Cause Trauma, but i digress)

my original post about this stuff goes on to talk about audio/video segmenting, but im gonna focus on some audio stuff in general. first of all, it’s interesting to note a few things about the music. while i cant show you what the audio sounds like for obv reasons, i can show you something with the names!

(pictured: a segment of a list from ASGUI, listing a few AudioClip files)

from here, we can see three things: one, dr. habit’s theme and the apartments music have a specific “intro” audio, separate from the main songs. this is likely for looping purposes, i’d think. (also habit’s theme is a “fight”????? it definitely SOUNDS like one but i wouldnt consider the event itself a fight, lol) also, something interesting to note is the listing at the top: “falling asleep ambience 1″. there are no other ambiences (i.e. no 2 or 3), so it does seem to imply that others were going to be considered, maybe switched out for different purposes? not sure, but as someone who gets a little spooked by the sounds, it makes me go 8);;;

some other interesting audios include the following (IDs/names of each AudioClip in parenthesis below each picture)

(horror_splat_with_juicy_squish, which seems to be the sound used when you put the mask on putunia. this one’s more interesting due to the name)

(dish_breaking, which i think seems to go unused?? it sounds like, predictably, a ceramic(?) plate breaking)

and my personal favorite

(bees, which ... sounds like... a child sneezing????? this one also seems to go unused)

yeah i dont get that last one. DJKBGSDKFGJNDS

anyways long post is long, but here’s some more stuff for yall in better detail! i hope u like it! i might make another one soon but i wanna go back to focusing on getting the lines finished. maybe ill post about unused/alternate lines after i get it done :D (for example, there seems to be a line that isnt used/was replaced by another line where lulia mentions that she has, specifically, “87 TV appearences to schedule”! what a busy gal)